All language subtitles for 2x06 - Warrior... Princess... Tramp

She'll make a great
Queen one day

as you will,
very soon, Diana.

Papa, please
don't talk like that.

You're gonna get better;
I know it.

You must be strong.

I fear my time
is very near,

and it's important that

the transition between

my rule and yours go smoothly.

I'm ready to do whatever's
needed of me.

I've sent for Xena.

In difficult times like these,

it's good to have mighty
friends close at hand.

And who's mightier than Xena?

I was the one chosen
to fight Callisto

because if there's anyone
mightier than Xena,

it's Joxer the Magnificent.

So, I challenged Callisto to pit
her strength against mine.

She was a little hesitant
at first understandably.

But then she came at me.

And I parried, dodged, dodged,
thrust, parried, parried!

And I spun around to, to...
Hi, Gaby.

Go ahead I'd love
to hear the rest.

To, call Xena to dispatch
the villaness,

which she did
while I held off

the other members
of Callisto's gang.

You know, I don't
remember it that way.

Well, that's because you
were tied up at the time.

So were you.

What are you doing here?

I heard that King
Lias was dying,

and he sent fo Xena.

So I thought I might
be of some help.

I don't think so,

but I'll be sure to ask
her when I see her.

I already talked to her.

She's heading
to the castle.

She told me to give her

a little time to settle in,

and that I should follow.

What are you
talking about?

Xena's in Thebes.

The message she
sent to me said

that she wouldn't be
her till tomorrow.

Wrong!
She was here an hour ago.

Now, how could she
get here so fast?

I don't know.

But she was definitely here.

I guess I better hurry up
to catch up with her.

Yeah, and tell her
not to worry.

I could tell when we parted
company this morning,

that she was gonna
miss my affections.

What'd you do that for?

That's Xena's reputation
you're playing with.

And that's going too far.

So anyway, there I was,
on the parapet.

Xena.

Diana.

Welcome.

Thank you for coming.

We didn't expect you so soon.

Well, I made good time.

I want you to meet Agis,

He was once the advisor to
King Cabnus of Thebes.

I trust him completely

He'll be a great help to us
all in these difficult times

If Xena trusts you,
I trust you.

Welcome, sir.

I'm honored,
your Highness.

How's the King?

He's not well, Xena.

Oh, well, I'm sorry
to hear that.

We'll get through
this together.

Hello, Princess.

Gabrielle, welcome.

I'll have rooms
prepared for you all.

Guard, stay with Xena.

Her commands are
to be obeyed as

though they came
from the King himself.

Yes, your Highness.

We need to work on
communication here.

I thought you said

we were gonna meet at
the tavern tomorrow

And what hapened with Joxer

to make him think you
were in love with him?

You have to watch
what you say to this guy.

He's a little crazy.

He had this whole bar thinking

you were some kind
of low-life tramp.

Guard!

Throw this big-mouthed
idiot in the dungeon!

Big-mouthed idiot?
Xena, Xena, Xena!

In a time of ancient gods...

...warlords...

...and kings...

A land in turmoil
cried out for a hero...

She was Xena...

a mighty princess,
forged in the heat of battle...

...The power...

...The passion...

...The danger...

Her courage will
change the world...

Warrior... Princess... Tramp

Ain't you ever heard of knockin?

Hey, that's no way to
treat a Warrior Princess.

Let me remind
you of reality, Meg.

You're a filthy tramp that
I fished out of the gutter

because you look like
Xena and Diana.

You're useful to me only

if you're a convincing Thespian.

You never said nothing
about no kinky stuff.

Besides, I pulled it
off so far today.

Oh, not quite.

You ordered Xena's best friend

thrown into a dungeon.

that the irritating blonde?

I can't see how Xena
can put up with her.

Don't worry, I'll fix it.

Yes, you will.

Because you're going to
do exactly what I say.

Fine.

This place is nice.

But I bet Diana has
a real comfy set-up.

When do I get to be her?

When it's apporpriate to make
the switch very soon.

I want you acting as
the Princess when Lias dies.

That way you can turn
the control of

the army over to me right away.

Once I have command of the army,

I can launch an attack on Miridias

and sell their citizens
into slavery.

And that will only be the beginning

of a series of conquests.

Hey, Aggie, come here!

Look what the round thing does.

A chakram is a weapon, not a toy.

Well, what kind of damage

would a cheap wooden
thing do anyway?

Ah, look, you broke it!

Fix it, put it back on your belt,

and leave it there!

You need to visit
Xena's little friend.

Big-mouthed idiot.
Maybe it's a code.

Maybe it means something.

Maybe, I'm gonna kill her.

Open up.

You had better have a pretty

good explanation for this.

Gabrielle, it's all
part of the plan.

Well, will you tell me
what the plan is?

Can't.

Oh, so I'm just supposed to

accept being thrown into a dungeon,

and you won't tell me
what the plan is?

Gabrielle, have you ever had

burning splinters shoved
under your fingernails?

No.

I thought as much.

You see, the man
we're after is known

to extract information
using that method.

So the less you know,
the safer you'll be.

If he captures me,
he doesn't know

that I don't know anything.

He's still going to put splinters
under my fingernails.

All the more reason
why you should stay here.

You're less likely to fall
into his clutches that way.

I can take care of myself!

Now why are you
treating me like a kid?

I thought we were passed that.

Well, we're not and,

don't try to contact Diana.

You'll only put her in danger.

She'll stay quiet.

Good.

Hey, Aggie.

My name's Agis.

Well, what do we do

when the real Xena gets here?

She won't.

There she is.

How's about you and me
have some fun?

No, thanks.

Oh, so now you're
playing hard to get.

Have you seen a young woman,

carrying a staff, about this high?

She left yesterday.

But there's no reason
why you should be lonely,

when there's healthy
young men like us around.

Give us a kiss.

There she is!

Give me something strong.

Well, I take it you're not
looking for a kiss.

No, I want your heart.

You're not my type.

So, Xena, how's about
that kiss, huh?

The name's Xena;

that's Xena with a capital Z.

Are you all right?

Yes. I was, I was just
practicing my new punch.

I'm only gonna say
this one more time:

I'm a close personal
friend of Xena's.

Listen, road block, step aside!

You're not getting into this castle

So, be smart and walk away
while you still can.

You still don't know

who you're dealing with, do you?

Don't make me hurt you.

Guard.

It's all right,
he's with me.

You're a very lucky man.

Come in.

Have a seat.

What's the matter?

Listen, Xena,
I've been thinking

a lot about something
Gabrielle said to me.

What did that little brat say?

No, listen, Xena,

I've been sullying your
reputation around town.

What are you talking about?

Listen, Xena, I told a
bar-room full of guys

how intimate you and I got!

Well, there's nothing wrong
with a little publicity.

A little pub, no, no, Xena.
Listen. Listen! I...

I don't deserve you as a lover.

You're kidding, right?

Look, don't listen to
anything Gabrielle says

I'm seriously considering
having her executed.

What? No, no, listen, listen!

I'm wrecking one of
the great friendships!

Now, OK, OK, one of us
has to be strong and it's,

listen, so I'll be
outside your window,

should you need my
sword at your service.

I need your sword in
my service right now.

Sword, service...
Yes, Look!

What am I, nuts, going in there?!

What a lovely man.

OK, OK. Be strong. Wow.

Be strong.
You're Joxer.

You're Joxer the Magnificent.

You're Joxer. You're lost.

Oh, this is madness.

Do you really think
a different dress

will weaken my manly resolve?

You're right.

Xena's kind of unpredictable,
isn't she?

You're telling me.

How'd she get out here?

Diana, we have a
real problem, here.

I was attacked in a tavern
by a band of thugs.

Someone who obviously

didn't want me to get here.

Someone who wanted to

take advantage
of the king's illness.

- We have to
- Xena!

I just came from
seeing my father.

He's slipping away.

Can't we talk about this later?

Sure, I'll talk to Philemon about

making the castle secure.

I'll be here if you need me.

Hey, Aggie I thought you said

she wasn't gonna
make it to the party.

Obviously, something went wrong.

Well, you'd better be careful;

she looks tough.

How'd you like the tears?

Nice touch,

you know what to do with her.

Wait a minute.

So, Diana and Xena
are exact look alikes?

Right!

Oh, great! I insulted royalty.

I'm in big trouble.

But on the bright side,

Xena still has a thing for me.

Impossible!
No offense, Joxer,

but you're just not her type.

She was certainy making
do with my type.

Let me tell you what
we did in that tavern.

She gave me this.

That ain't all.

Ah- no! That's not necessary.

I wish I knew what
was wrong with her.

Well, it's simple, really.

She was struck by Cupid's arrow.

It's love, Gabrielle.

But, don't worry, I'm prepared

to do the honorable thing.

Leave?

No, marry her. We could all
travel around together.

Xena and I could be like a
father and mother to you.

Guards!

Please! Please! Please!

I've got to get out of here!

Xena told me all about the plan.

What is the plan?

Can't say, but, uh,
you'll have to stay here.

And she also explained that little

misunderstanding
between you and I.

Forgive me, you're Highness

I'm lower than rat droppings.

Oh, of course.

It was just an honest mistake.

Now, come with me.

Sorry, remember the plan?

Um, what is the plan?

I'll tell you out here.

Oh, good.

You're gonna tell Joxer,

but you're not gonna tell me?

Xena's orders.

She's very fond of him,
you know?

Uh, wait,
what's the plan?

That's the plan?

What do you think?

Good plan.

Your Highness!

Your Highness,

it is time for the baby's nap.

Now, you know
how she can't drift off

unless you sing a lullabye to her.

All right,
all right.

Just, go on up to
the nursery and

I'll catch up with you there.

Wait for me in my room;

I won't be long.

If one of those bottles
should happen to fall,

63 bottles of beer on the wall.

63 bottles of beer on the wall,

63 bottles of beer.

If one of those bottles
should happen to fall

43 bottles of beer on the wall.

You're mad, you devil.

Oh, Joxer,
why should you deny

yourself to these needy women?

Joxer?

What are you doing here?

I hate to tell you this, Xena,

but all right, I might
as well spit it out.

Princess Diana wants me.

She what?

Listen, I can see the pain
on your face but really,

there's plenty of me to go around.

And um, there's no reason

why we can't be adults about

this and have a little fun.

Are you suicidal?

Oh, don't worry, Xena.

I got just what you need, and

plenty of it, too.

You got some explaining

to do and you can start

by telling me where Gabrielle is.

In the dungeon,
where you put her!

What?

What's the gripe, Aggie?

I've done everything
just like you said.

And more try staying away
from that clown, Joxer.

I think he's cute.

You better not mess this up.

Look who's talking.

What does that mean?

You were supposed to keep

the real Xena away from here.

Last time I looked, she was
making herself quite at home.

You should hire
better people, Aggie.

Don't you talk to me that way.

A despiccable slag like you

should find it an honor to
work with a man like me.

And my name is Agis, not Aggie.

Take it easy now, Agis.

And you're gonna do exactly like

I say from now on, correct?

Exactly.

Good.

Well, don't just stand
there move it!

Come on,
Warrior Princess.

Take that!

I know what the plan is:

You're trying to drive me insane!

Let's go.

Now, wait a minute.

OK, I believe you when you say that

there's another look-alike here.

That would explain everything.

But how do I know that
you're the real Xena?

Yeah, how do we know
you're the real Xena?

Hello, Xena.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

Let's split up and
search the castle

they may have hidden Diana here.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait

How am I supposed to know

who the real Diana is?

Well, if you come across a woman,

and she looks exactly like me,

and she displays any
interest in you

whatsoever as a man,

that's the bad one.

She is bad,
real bad.

Alcibiades.

Meg?

Yeah, of course, it's me.

Look what I found.

We found her snooping around.

Agis wants you to
take her to the same

place you're hiding Diana.

And that way we'll have two cards

to play against Xena.

All right, hand me the rope.

Hey, I wanna come too.

Xena's figured this
whole thing out

I don't want to be
around her any more.

I'm terrified of
that warrior witch.

And you know,
maybe if you take me along,

then we can relax
a little later on.

Ah, sorry,

had to make sure
you weren't Xena.

Bring her along.

Hey, boys!

All right!

How're you doing, Princess?

Not well.
I'll probably be dead soon.

Why's that?

Well, I've been sitting on

this cold ground
almost the entire day

Who could survive that?

A cold bottom isn't fatal.

Says you.

No, but if I have to listen
to you two blabber any more,

somebody's gonna
end up seriously dead.

Hey, boys, let's toy
with the brat a while.

If we can put Meg on the throne,

we will control the most
powerful army in Boecia.

Conquests you never dreamed
of are in our grasp.

And you lead Xena
directly to our hideout.

What are we going
to do about Xena?

Now, that she has Diana,

there's nothing stopping
her from coming after you.

There's still one
card left to play.

My baby!

They took my baby!

This chamber is known
only to the royal family.

Good.

I want you
and Philemon to stay here

until we can find your baby.

You can't expect me
just to wait down here,

when my child's life is in danger.

Your life is in danger, too.

Philemon,

I am asking you to
have faith in me.

This plan is our only
way to save your child.

Then we'll stay down here.

Philemon, we have to
trust Xena now.

She's our only hope.

Gabrielle,

I want you to find Meg

and keep her in one place

- I'll do the rest.
- Right

Got you, sweety!

Hi, Xena.

Sorry, Joxer just a habit.

That's OK.

I've been keeping an eye

out for you for the fake Diana.

Her name's Meg.

Meg, huh?
That's a pretty name.

You're not falling
for her, are you?

Well, I've seen a
different side of her.

I bet you have.

Hey, listen, I think she's just

a victim of circumstance.

She'll be a victim of
some more circumstances

when I get my hands on her.

And don't bother keeping
an eye on her anymore.

I've got Gabrielle on that.

Oh, you think she can do
a better job than I can.

This is not a competition.

You think that I'm a
complete joke, don't you?

Princess,
may I talk to you, please?

Can't it wait?

No, it can't.

a little more cleavage
couldn't hurt.

Get out of my way.

Over my dead body.

That can be arranged.

Eat some fruit, baby!

Mercy, mercy, please.

Tears are no good with me!

Look at you looking down at me.

Ah, that's all right.

I'm used to it.

Snotty brats like you
always hate girls like me.

What do you expect with
what you've been doing?

What was I supposed to do?

Agis said that he'd kill me

if I didn't do everything he said.

I suppose none of
this is your fault, is it?

I didn't say that.

It's all my fault.

My whole stinkin' life's my fault.

You know, I shouldn't feel
for you, but you just,

you look so much
like my best friend.

I don't want your pity.

I've been on my own
since I was 10 years old.

I'm tougher inside
than you'll ever be.

Since you were 10?

My father died in childbirth.

Your father died in childbirth?

he got drunk and fell off the roof

when I was being born.

I always wondered what it

would be like to have a father.

Bet you had a good father.

I, I guess I did.

But what about your mother?

One of her boyfriends
liked me too much.

So I ran away from home.

And then I found out
the next year that,

that she had died and,

and I was real sorry that

I hadn't gone back to say goodbye.

She was a rotten mother,
you know?

She was fun.

Anyways, I loved her.

God, I hate it when
I get like this.

This is not a party!

Will you get that into your head

while it's still attached
to your shoulders?!

Now that Diana's on the loose,

there's only one thing to do.

What's that?

Kill the King.

You can't assume the
throne until he's dead.

As long as we have the baby,

Diana and Xena
won't do anything.

Lias is still surrounded
by loyal palace guards.

I want you to take
him some poison.

- No.
- What?

No, I mean, uh, poison is too slow.

You can never be sure

if it's going to do the job.

I should-- I should stab him.

I could hide the knife under
the baby's blanket and pretend

I was taking the little tyke
to see the old buzzard.

That's good I like that.
Go get the baby.

Are you all right?

No.

Why haven't you been to see me?

Sorry, father,
I've been bothered by some things.

Well, nothing can give the
last few days of my life more

worth than to be
able to comfort you.

I don't think you'd understand.

Ah, my sweet,
we've always shared

our hopes,
our dreams, our pains.

Don't draw away from me now.

If your soul has been darkened,

let my love bring
some light to you.

Here it is.

Hah! Xena!
Let's take the baby!

Get the baby out of here.

The baby!
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, oh!

Hey Meg!
He thinks you're Xena.

Kill the idiot!

No! No, no!

I brought your sword.

Come on, idiot!

The name's Joxer.

Come on!
This way!

It's quicker!

What are you doing?
It's me, Meg.

Then prove it;
kill him.

Do it! Go on! Do it!

You heard me.
Kill him,

you slag!
Do it!

No, and neither will you.

How dare you?

Xena!

Duck!

Missed me!
Missed me again!

Well.

You're not my daughter,
are you?

Not officially.

You're not Xena, either.

No.

Amazing.

You're on your own now, Pops.

Your little friend
just kicked my butt.

What chance do you think
I stand against you?

Why don't you just kill me?

Go on, get it over
and done with.

No, because I want
you to stay here

and take care of the king.

No. No, see, you must not
have been paying attention.

I'm no good.

You got the king to safety,
I saw you.

well that was my one
good deed for the year.

Believe me, you don't
want to be leaving

anybody's life in my hands.

I'm a low-life.

I don't care what
you've done in your past.

Do good now
and you are good.

Lock the door behind
me when I leave,

and cover him up.

A chill now could kill him.

You look so like my daughter;

it's remarkable.

Yes, three women
who look so much alike,

and yet inside, so different.

One's a warrior,
and one's a Princess.

One's a tramp.

Wait, no!

And then I lived in
Athens for a while.

I actually did some
honest work there.

I was a cook.
And you know,

I have quite a touch
when it comes to spices.

You like spicy foods, Kingy?

King Lias? King Lias!

Put a rope up on that chandelier!

Tie the basket.

Hold it right there!

I'm coming to get that baby.

And anyone who tries to stop me

is going to eat my sword.

But wait!

I still have my
round killing thing.

It's Diana!

Get her.

Run that basket up on the rope!

Just give me back my baby

and then you can go in peace!

Tie it off.

Now, we'll see if she gives us

what we need.

Hold it, right there!

In the blink of an eye I can split

the skull of anyone

who moves with my trusty

shamrock.

Grab her;
it's Meg!

Guess which one I am.

Give me that.

What's going on?

Stay down.

I'm glad that's over.

Gab, the baby!

Hey, Princess!

I just came from
seeing your father.

Which one are you?

I'm Xena.

Diana?

Oh, Papa!

I sure hope he pulls through.

He's a good man.

I might even write him from jail.
If I knew how to write.

Well, if it were up to me,

I'd give you another chance.

I'd set you free.

you're a softy.

He's going to be fine;

he may live on for years, yet.

Meg, he wants to talk to you.

They told me about the
plot you were mixed up in.

You were right.

You've done some very bad things.

Well, I told you;
I'm trash.

Stop it.

I don't ever want to hear
anyone say things

like that about
my personal cook.

You're not kidding me,
are you, Kingy?

Not at all. Oh, by the way,
I do like spices.

Well, I'm about as
spicy as you can get!

Thanks, King Lias.

I won't let you down.

So, so long Xena.

Goodbye, Meg.

It was fun being you for a while.

Just don't do it again in a hurry.

Hey, Meg!

Learn to read so
I can write to you.

maybe I'll just do that.

Get, get going, get going.

Well, um, so long, Meg.

So long, Joxer.

Ditch the broads and double back

I'll leave the kitchen
door open for you.

Right.

Hey, Xena, Gabrielle, wait up!

I, listen! I got some
things to, attend to.

Fine.

So, I won't be able to join you.

That's OK.

You sure?

'Cause I know
how much you need a real

warrior to watch your back,
you know?

Joxer, she won't wait forever.