All language subtitles for (2014)Naughty&Nice[ING]

[Bells Jingling]

[Man] Good morning,
Southern California.

7:51 on the
Pepper and Spice Show.

Fifteen days till Christmas,

And we're talkin' about
who you want to see on
Santa's naughty list.

[Woman]
Let's see. We've got a tweet
here from Jamarco.

"How about those
Salvation Army bell ringers?"

[Man]
Oh, constant clanging
in the month of December.

[Woman]
Shame on you, Jamarco.

I think what you need
is a good spanking.

[Man]
I was just going to
send him a T-shirt.

Gloria from Pasadena
wants to see her husband Alex
on the naughty list.

Well, tell me, Gloria,
what has Alex done...

To get himself in hot water
with you and Santa?

-[Gloria On Phone]
He cheated on me.
-[Alarm Wailing]

Uh-oh. Sounds like Alex
has been a very naughty boy.

Now, listen, the naughty list
is a pretty serious thing.

I mean, you can't just say
your husband's cheating on you.

We're gonna need
to see some proof.

Okay, people.
On your toes.

I don't want this
getting away from us.
I want a tight leash on him.

[Gloria] For starters,
how 'bout a million text
messages on his work phone...

From some skank named Wanda?

And last night,
he comes in at 4:00
in the morning,

And says he was out
Christmas shopping.

In all fairness, I mean,

Most stores do have
holiday extended hours.

Ah, come on.
Until 4:00 in the morning?

What about all
those text messages?

I mean, what can you
really tell about someone
from a text message?

What's this?
What are they doing?
What's going on?

Hello, Wanda.
I wonder if you might
do us a small favor.

For all we know,
Wanda could be, like,
some shut-in, you know,

That needs someone
to talk to.

And Alex, well, Alex,
maybe he's a secret Santa...

Out at all hours
of the night,

Going to orphanages
and shelters.

Or maybe he's
a complete schmuck.

Let's get him on the line
and find out.

No, no, no, no.
We don't have clearance
for that. No, no. Hang up.

[Alex On Phone]
Yeah, hello?

[High-pitched Voice]
Hi, Alex.

Yeah, speaking.
Who's this?

Alex, this is Murray,
the elf from the North Pole,
calling.

Okay. Why not?
I got nothing better to do
than sit in traffic.

What can I do for you,
Murray?

As you know,
this is the time of the year
when we're going over our list,

And we're checkin' it twice,
and it appears you're
on the naughty list.

Oh, that's too bad.
What did I do, leave
the toilet seat up again?

Well, I think it's a little
more serious than that.

You see, when Santa comes
down your chimney in the wee
hours of the morning,

He's bringing
divorce papers!

Wait a minute.
Who is this?

You happen to know
anyone named Wanda?

Did my nut-job wife
put you up to this?

[Gloria]
I'm here,
you bimbo-chasing lowlife.

What's her I.Q., like 60?

[Alex]
I think you're getting mixed up
with your dress size, honey.

Now, now. Let's be good,
for goodness' sake.

[Gloria]
Hey, you better lawyer up, pal,

Because I'm coming after
your skinny little lying...

Unfortunately, that's all
the time we have today.

You've been listening
to Pepper and Spice
in the Morning.

And I'd like to give
a big shout-out to all
those overpaid folks...

Who make this show go.

And remember, ladies,
no matter how hot
you might be,

You can always use
a little Pepper in your life.

And I'm gone.

[Man]
And we're out.

- Killed it.
- Yes.

[Man]
My friends invite me over, but
I just can't seem to get there.

Not yet anyway.
Not since Lucille died.

It's been 19 months.

I just don't know
what to do?

You know, Ross, it is
perfectly normal to feel...

Intense feelings of loss
at Christmas.

You know, there's this
expectation of loved ones
getting together,

And, sadly,
your loved one is gone.

Do you mind if I ask
how long you and Lucille
were together?

Let's see.
Got her used in '98.

But I swapped engines
four or five years ago.

Wait. I'm sorry.
Was, uh, Lucille a car?

You kidding?
Try a two-ton truck.

Why? What'd you think she was?

You know,
on second thought,

I think 18 months
is probably plenty of time
to grieve.

And if you have friends
still willing
to invite you over,

I would walk...
no, I would probably run there
as fast as I could.

You're listening to
Dr. Love in the Morning.

And we'll be back
with more of your calls
right after this.

- I mean...
- [Phone Rings]

Dr. Love.
What's your problem?

Hey. Guy grieving
a pickup truck?

Is that
the best we got?

[Laughing]
Seriously?

You expect me
to put that on the air?

No. No. No, sir.
A crisis is bad radio,

Which is what you're
describing right now.

Call back
when you got real problems.

Geez.

- Would it kill you
to be nicer to callers?
- What?

I'm saving them
from you.

- Me? What did I do?
- You baby them.

Oh, it's natural
to have feelings of loss.

Seriously.
Give me an hour on the mike,
I'll show you how it's done.

Welcome to the octagon.
This is Dr. Tough Love.
Get over it! Aah!

Okay. Okay.
So, how 'bout,
hands down,

You are the worst
call screener
in all of radio.

Better. Yeah.
That had some real bite.

- Did it? Did it hurt?
- Felt it right here.

- You're back on in 10.
- Okay.

- And, uh, Cole wants
to see you after the show.
- Wait, what? Why?

Is it about ratings?

No, it's our improper
workplace romance.

How the heck do I know?

In three, two...

Greetings. And welcome back
to Dr. Love in the Morning.

I'm doing what I can.
Yes, I will talk to them again,
for the hundredth time.

Yeah, sure.

So I have courtside seats
to the Lakers...

Right next to Nicholson.

Thanks, but I'll pass.

Come on.
You love basketball.

No, actually, I hated it.

I only went along
to be with you.

Oh, well, that's perfect.
Just come along with me then.

It was a college thing,
sweetie.

A long time ago.

Ouch.

Pepper.
In my office, now.

Do me a favor,
and hold him off for me?

For old times' sake.
Thank you.

Pepper had to scoot.
Anything I can help you
with, Mr. Harper?

Okay. That show-off thinks
he can get away with
whatever he wants.

Well, this time,
not gonna happen.

Ah, Morris, my man.

Courtside seats
for you and the kid.

Here you go.
Just make sure and use 'em.

Spent a lot of money
on those.

Seriously?

Yeah, it's the least
I can do for my agent, right?

Pepper, I gave these to you
for your last birthday.

And my birthday wish
is to bring a little joy
to you and your son.

- Daughter.
- That's what I meant.

Look, where have you been
hiding? I've been looking
for you all afternoon.

I've just been laying low, man,
till Harper calms down.

Well, he hasn't,
and you've been suspended.

What? What are you
talking about?

Corporate called an hour ago.
They are taking you off the air
until further notice.

Uh, off the air? No.
They... Why?

The little stunt you pulled
this morning.

You know, the naughty list.
Murray the elf.

Yeah. Dude, that was funny.

Yeah, well, not
to Alex King.

That's the guy you threw
under the bus.

The TV guy.
Oh! That was him?

Alex King,
the Kong of Big Screens.

The station's
biggest advertiser.

Okay, okay.
So, I'll apologize.

I'll buy one of those
planet-sized TVs of his
for the staff. We'll be good.

Alex King
can buy and sell you.

He does not want your money.
He wants your head
on a stick, man.

[Stammers]

Okay. All right.
Maybe we can
make this work.

Let me try to milk
the controversy.

I'll stir up some press.

You go away for a couple
of weeks, come back
to even bigger numbers.

Couple of weeks? What?
Man, are you crazy?

That's like a million years
in radio time. Everyone's
gonna think I'm dead.

Well, that is better
than actually being dead,
which is what Alex King wants.

Okay. What about remotes?

I'll just keep my name
out there by calling in
from some exotic place...

Like, uh, Tahiti?

[Laughing]

Pepper, I'm sure management
wants to send you
quite a few places,

But Tahiti
is not one of them.

Here.
What's this?

Airline ticket.
Corporate took the liberty
of reassigning you...

To a sister station
until further notice.

They can do that?

Read your contract, Pepper.

They own you.

You leave
on a red-eye tonight.

Where the heck
is Idyllwild, Colorado?

Beats me, but, uh,
you might want to
pack your Snuggies.

- [Knocks]
- Hey.

Sandy, come in.
Have a seat.

Uh, do you want water
or something?

Um, no. No, I'm okay.
Thank you.

Well, let's talk
about your show.

Okay. Cool.
Look, I know what
you're gonna say.

The ratings... they haven't
been what they should be,
and I agree with you,

But I feel like
if you just give us
a little time...

- Sandy...
- No one knew who Dr. Laura was
for, like 15 years.

- Now she has a huge career.
- I'm not canceling your show.

You're not?

No.

You're the best show we have,
and you're right... it takes time
to build an audience.

But I think I have
a way to help.

Pepper Sterling,
one of the hottest
radio jocks in L.A.

This could be big for you.
The network that owns us
thinks he's gonna be huge.

That's great for him,

But unless he's
moving here to Whoville,
how does this help us?

That's exactly what he's doing.
And not voluntarily.

Apparently, he ticked off
some big-shot advertiser,

So they need to put him on ice
till things blow over.

Mmm. So we get
to babysit him.

Not "we." You.

Say hello
to your new cohost.

What? No. No.
No, no, no, no, no.
I don't want a cohost.

I mean, what does this guy
even know about psychotherapy?

- Anything?
- It doesn't matter.
That's your job.

If he gives us
a bump in the ratings,
that's what you need.

Do I have any say
in this?

[Sighs]
Corporate wants to
park him here,

So we're gonna be good soldiers
and make the best of it.

If he brings
a little attention
to the best thing on radio,

Not to mention
the most beautiful,

Even better.

Okay. So, when does
this Pepper Sterling guy
get here?

Tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow?

And I want you to pick him up
from the airport.

It'll give you guys a chance
to hang out before the show.

You owe me so big.

Fine. What about dinner
at my place?

Tomorrow night
after the show?

How 'bout dinner,
no your place?

You're drivin' me crazy.
You know that.

Well, maybe you should call
that radio shrink.

I heard
she's really good.

Final boarding call for
flight 371 service to Boulder,
gate two.

Mr. Sterling. Hi.

Sandra Love.
Welcome to Idyllwild.

Thanks.
It's just one bag.

[Chuckles]
I... I think there's been
a little misunderstanding.

You're the car service, right,
from the radio station?

No. Um, I'm your new cohost.
Actually, technically, you're
my new cohost, but...

You know, you're here
helping with my show.

- Oh, your show?
- That's right.

Okay, look, I...
[Sighs]

I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

Sandy Love.
Welcome to Idyllwild.

I'm guessing it's not
a heavy metal show.

[Sandy]
No, no. It's more
like a help line.

You know, people call in
with problems,

Usually relationship issues,
things like that.

Sounds like
a barrel of fun.

Okay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What?

Look, I'll slum it
on your touchy-feely
radio show if I have to,

But shopping...
No fricking way.

There's only so much torture
I can take.

Will you relax?
I promise it won't
be painful.

[Door Hinges Squeaking]

Come on.

[Sighs]

Oh, hey.

What do you think?

I think you look
just like one of us.

Yeah, that's what
I'm afraid of.

Come on. We got
a lot of work to do.

Welcome to your
new place of employment.

You gotta be kidding me.

Here we are.

KZJJ, 99.6.

Home of Dr. Love
in the Morning.

Geez.
For a minute there,

I thought you were leading me
into a top-secret division
of the C.I.A.

Hey. Pepper, I'm Cole,
station manager.

And prison warden.

Oh, come on.

Cheer up. It's not that bad,
once you get used to it.

You want to give him
the 25-cent tour?

Sure. Which won't take long
because we only have
one studio.

This is true.

- Okay.
- So...

Most of our content comes
from the network feed.

And any live programming we do
happens right here.

It's probably not exactly
what you're used to.

That's okay.
You can't have caviar
all the time, right?

Sometimes you gotta
take a step back.

Way back.
Is that a sundial?

Uh, no, no, no.
That's actually my seat.
We have you set up right here.

[Pepper] Okay.

[Whimpering]

[Whimpering Continues]

Pepper Sterling.

Pepper Sterling.
[Laughs]

This is Jonah.
He's our engineer.
He's like a puppy.

Once he smells you,
he'll settle down.

You, sir, are a god.

I am such a huge fan.

You know, I stream
every single one
of your shows,

And I just want to say
that if it wasn't for
my crappy salary,

I would totally build
a shrine to you.

Thanks.

Okay. Well, um,
it's about show time.

So, leave you to it.
Welcome aboard.

Yeah. Oh, yeah.
Okay. Um...

Hey, if you need anything
at all while you're here,
you just come to me, okay?

And I mean
anything at all.

Okay. Great.
Have a good show.

You're awesome, dude.

Okay. So I know it's hard
coming in cold.

I took the liberty
of putting together some
production notes for you.

Look at that.
Proper online form
and everything.

Even a little staple
in the corner. Cute.

Well, a disciplined show
is a good show.

And a motto too.

Okay, look,

I know that you
don't wanna be here.

Okay? And I'm not really
that thrilled to share
my show with you either.

But I feel like
if we just show each other
a little respect...

And show my show
some respect,

That we'll be just fine.

Respect. Your show.

Yeah.

Got it.

Thank you.

- [Jonah] Live in 10.
- Ha! Hoo! Hah!

What are you doing?

Vocal exercises.

You know, just
limbering up the cords.

Uh, live in three.

[Loud Laughing]

- What are you doing?
- Old deejay trick. Happy face,
happy voice, right?

No, not happy face.
Scary face. You look
like the Joker.

Hi. Uh, greetings.
And welcome to Dr. Love
in the Morning.

Today we have
a very special guest.

In from our sister station
in Los Angeles, please welcome
Pepper Sterling.

Hey there, Idyllwild.
You guys ready to get wild
and crazy?

Actually, Pepper,
our long-time listeners
will tell you...

We don't use
the word "crazy"
around here...

Because we feel like
it stereotypes people
with real issues.

Okay. Well, how about
uptight and controlling?

Good? No good?

With that, let's take
our first caller.

Kenny, hi.
Where are you calling from?

[Kenny]
Uh, a telephone.

Good answer.
What can I help you
with today?

Uh, this girl
in my high school class.

I kind of want to ask her
to the Christmas formal,

But she's sort of
out of my league.

Oh, Kenny, look, it's dating,
it's not football.

There's no leagues.
Women don't think like that.

- Okay.
- That's right, Kenny.

And I flew all the way here
on a magic unicorn.

[Kenny Chuckles]

Women value
thoughtfulness...

Even more than they do
physical attraction.

If you want her
to go out with you,

Don't just go up to her locker
and ask her out.

Be brave, you know?
Be bold.

Really sweep her
off her feet.

All right then.

Kenny, if I may
offer my opinion...

No, you may not.
Jonah, who's our next caller?

Uh, that would be no one.

Kenny, I don't know you,
but the fact that you're
calling in on this show...

Pretty much tells me
that you are no George Clooney.

So I'd say the chances
of you getting rejected...

Fall somewhere between
sure thing and stone-cold lock.

My advice: Take the money
you'd blow on a tux
and buy yourself an Xbox.

It'll never leave you
nor will it ever tell you
to share your feelings.

Unless, of course,
your feelings are,
"Take that, sucker!"

With that brilliant
piece of advice,
we'll be right back.

Listen here,
you overpaid twit.

I googled you last night,

And despite thousands
of tedious pages
I had to read through,

I didn't find
one redeeming quality.

You're smug and crude,

And you use people's lives
to get a cheap laugh.

We don't do that here
on my show, okay?

And that's right.
I said it.

My show. Mine, okay?

Mine, mine, mine.
You got it?

Or do I need to put
a Sticky Note on that
Cro-Magnon forehead of yours?

What are you
laughing about?

[Gasps]
Are we on the air?

And we'll be
right back, folks.

I think that went well.

I promise you
that will never, ever
happen again.

- That's too bad.
- And you have every right
to feel like that. I just...

I'm sorry.
What did you say?

We don't get hard numbers
till the end of the week,
but based on these,

You two are a hit.

We haven't got calls like this
in a long time.

- The phones lit up right
after your little episode.
- That was more of a conniption.

- Shut up.
- Whatever it was,
keep doing it.

People seem to eat it up.

Yeah, but, Cole,
these are all complaints.

Honestly, love you
or loathe you,

Just as long
as they keep listening.

You know what?
Maybe she's right.

Maybe this was just
a bad idea.

If I were you,
I'd call the network,

I'd tell them this
is all a disaster,

Send my sorry butt
on the next plane
out of here.

- That's what I would do.
Let me call 'em for you.
- Nice try.

You're both adults.
Figure it out.

Now if you'll excuse us,
Pepper. Sandy and I have
a dinner engagement.

Jonah will take you
to your motel.

I'll pick you up out front.
Meet you there.

- [Snorts]
- What?

[Kissing]

[Scoffs]
Grow up.

[Laughing]

Can you believe it?
The village idiot in there
has you down for next Christmas.

I mean, what kind of moron
books a place a year in advance?

That's all right.
Maybe it's here
on the reservation.

Look, no, no, no.

Okay. Look, man.
It's no big deal.

We'll just go
to another place.

Dude, this is
the only game in town,

So unless you have
some long-lost cousin
here in Hicksville,

- you're hosed.
- You're kidding.

I mean, this is Colorado.
There's gotta be, like,
some ski chalet or something.

Absolutely, yeah.
Tons of 'em right up
the road in Aspen.

- Perfect.
- Which is about
six hours from here.

Great.
That's just great.

Despair not, my friend.
I got a solution. Come on.

Uh... Oh, man.

You're gonna love
this place.

Uh, there's only one place
good enough for my boy,
Pepper Sterling.

Here we go.

[Laughing]

Welcome to the broadcasters'
bachelor pad!

- Your garage apartment.
- No, no, no.

Combination boudoir
and radio museum.

See, uh...

Oh! You know, one day,
you are gonna be up
on that wall of fame.

I just know it.

But you're gonna die first.
[Laughing]

I'm not kidding about that,
by the way.

Look, Jonah, I appreciate
your hospitality,

But I don't wanna
put you out.

No, no, no, no, no.
It will be my honor,
good sir.

But I do have one question
for you... FM or AM?

- What?
- Firm mattress
or air mattress?

- FM it is.
- All right.

Cool. Well, you're
probably pretty wiped
from the flight,

So why don't you
just kick back, relax?

I'm gonna go inside.
My mom's heating up
some pigs in a blanket.

And, uh,
I'll be right back.

And, uh, Pepper,
just so you know,

I'm never washing
that sheet again.

Ever.

You know, I don't think
I actually ever have, so...

Okay.

Hey, Mom!
Preheat those piggies,
will ya?

[Groans]

Hmm.

[Exhales]

Okay. Here you go.

I feel like an idiot.

Well, you look adorable.

Are you sure
this will work?

I mean,
what if she already has a date
to the Christmas formal?

No, look, Kenny,
that's not the point.

It kind of is.

No, the point is
for her to notice you,

For her to wake up
and realize...

That you could be
the greatest guy she's ever met
in her whole life.

Santa?

No. You.

Okay? Now, stick to the plan.
Go get on that curb
and keep your phone close by.

- And here's your hat.
- Okay.

You can do this.
You're gonna be great.

[Exhales]

Right there.

- [Laughing]
- [Phone Rings]

Oh, hold on, hold on.

Hey, Pepper.
How was your flight?

It crashed
in the Twilight Zone.

Come on.
It cannot be that bad.

Man, yesterday
I have a hit show,
I'm living like a rock star.

Today I'm a has-been.
I'm living in a garage.

It's like I've turned
into a TV movie, man.

Will you stop being
so melodramatic?

It hasn't even been
24 hours yet.

You gotta fix this.

If I stay here much longer,
I'm gonna go crazy.

I'm workin' on it.
Oh, and thank you
for regifting those tickets.

Yeah. I'm just having
a little pregame cocktail.

Hold on.
Somebody wants to say hi.

Hi, Pepper.
How's it going?

Are you kidding me?

Bye.
[Laughing]

- Cheers.
- He is not happy.

He is not happy.

[Phone Rings]

[Sandy]
Rudolph to Big Red.

The goose is approaching
the oven.

- Do you copy?
- What?

- No, it means she's on her way.
- Why didn't you just
tell me that?

Just get moving.

[Knocking]

- What are you doing here?
- Give it to me straight.

Are you really a radio deejay,
or is this just a cover
for your spy gig?

Get in the car.

You gonna tell me
what's going on?

Okay. Remember
that high school kid
who called into the show?

Kenny, that loser you almost
got to humiliate himself? Yeah.

First of all,
he's not a loser.

And second,
he's about to get a date
with the girl of his dreams.

Please tell me
you did not get involved.

Oh, I shouldn't be
getting involved,

But it's okay for you
to turn people
into a punch line...

And toss them away
whenever you're done?

We're entertainers.
That's what we do. Come on.

Ho, ho, ho.
Well, if it isn't
little Annie Nibough.

Hi, Santa.

What you got
in the bag?

Oh! Let's take a look.

Must be something in here
with your name on it.

Well, son of a gun.

[Gasps]
Thank you.

They're really pretty.

[Chuckles]

Wait! Uh...

Ho-ho-hold on. Almost forgot
the most important part.

Well, go on. Open it.

Well?

Let me think about it.

- Ka-boom.
- [Sandy] Oh, no.

No. I feel so bad.

[Pepper]
Oh, hold on.

Wait. Wait, wait. Look.

Hey, Kenny.

- Yes?
- Yes.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Oh, yes!

Sorry, sucker.

Oh, they're so cute.

[Gasps]
Yes.

[Sandy]
Well, we are coming up
on 12:00,

And we have time
to take one more caller
before we have a little break.

Katrina, you've
been holding a while.

What can I help you with
today, Katrina?

[Snoring]

Hello. You're on
with Dr. Love.

[Boy]
I want to talk to Santa.

Does your mommy know
you're on the phone?

She fell asleep.
And she's making funny noises.

She certainly
does sound asleep.

Well, you know, Santa
doesn't live here.

He's... He's... more
of a North Pole kind of guy.

Ho, ho, ho.

You know, you're
never gonna believe
who just walked in.

- It's him.
- Hello, Santa.

It's me, Dex.

What? The little dude
with a mother who snores
like a chainsaw?

- Yeah!
- All right.

Well, I don't have all night.
The reindeers are
gettin' restless.

Neigh! Neigh!

Which makes them
sound like horses.

- Santa?
- Well, for goodness' sake,
what is it now?

I love you.

And with that,
we take our first break.

What?

No snarky comeback?

Don't tell me
you're getting soft
on me now.

With kids,
it's different.

All right, people. Chop, chop.
We got two minutes to check
the sizes on these things.

What things?

Hello! Costumes!

The client sent them over
for your big public appearance
tonight.

No one told me
about a public appearance.
That was not cleared with me.

Okay, princess,
don't go all diva on me.

You got a hit show.
People wanna press the flesh.
Now try 'em on.

Pepper, you're gonna look great
in this Joseph thing here.

I think you're gonna
look fabulous as Mary.

Yeah?

Okay.

No.

This is it.
My career is officially dead.

Look, I know that it's
a little goofy, okay?

It's not
the Hollywood Bowl, but,

You know, here,
this means a lot.

People look forward
to this.

Why don't you just
shut your mouth and not
be cynical for once?

Whatever.

* [Horns: Fanfare]

[Cheering]

Whoo!

There were shepherds
in the fields, keeping watch
over their flock by night.

The angel of the Lord
came upon them,

And the glory of the Lord
shone round about them,

And they were
sore afraid.

Hey, kid, you okay?

- What are you doing?
He's supposed to be afraid.
- Oh.

- Pay attention.
- Sorry.

Carry on.

Unto you was born this day,
in the city of David,

A Savior
which is Christ the Lord.

And this shall be
a sign unto you...

I think I know the story.
Need some help?

And there shalt be a sign
and ye shall find a baby
wrapped in swaddling clothes,

Lying in a manger.

And suddenly,
there was with the angel,

A multitude
of heavenly hosts
praising God...

And saying...

Think you got it
from here?

Glory to God in the highest,
and on earth peace,
good will towards men.

Whoo! Yeah!
[Laughing]
All right!

- Whoo! Good job.
- [Applauding Continues]

So am I done?

Nope. Next you're
the bartender
at the reception.

Of course.

Hi.

There she is.

Well, someone turned out
to be the star of the show.

Nah, she was the star.
I just had enough sense
to upstage her.

You really
took me by surprise.

How did you know
all that stuff?

What, you think cynics
didn't go to Sunday school?

Here.

Have some
unnaturally green punch.

Yikes. It looks like
the Grinch died in here.

You're gonna need something
to wash down...
the dough balls with.

- No, thanks.
- You don't want
salmonella?

You know, I actually had
something a little stronger
in mind.

Yeah?

Do you think
you can handle it?

Rise up, shepherd,
and follow.

Come on.

- I gotta admit,
you had me fooled.
- Oh, yeah? How?

I just didn't think
you were the type...

To stash a bottle of booze
in the office.

No. It's way better
than that.

Aw. Decaf tea bags?

No, I put that on
to ward off intruders.

A.k.a. Jonah?

Look inside.

Ah. Christmas cookies.

With red and green sprinkles.
My mom makes 'em.

- Try one.
- All right.

Mmm. Wow.
That's really good.

-[Laughing]
I know.
- Oh, my God.

- Good, right?
- I haven't had anything
like this since I moved to L.A.

What?
What are you talking about?
L.A.'s like food heaven.

Yeah, with little pastries
made by some guy named Pierre.

I mean, seriously,
there's no way I could get
a sugar rush like this.

- I'd have to eat, like,
a thousand of those.
- Really?

So, how did you make it
out there anyway?

Mmm. It's a pretty
sad story actually.

Please.
Big six-figure salary
just for being a goofball?

My heart bleeds for you.

- You should not
have said that.
- Why?

'Cause now you're
just gonna feel bad
when I tell you the story.

Yeah, right. Try me.

All right.
You asked for it.

So, it's four years ago,

And I'm like a semester away
from graduating college.

And the whole time I have
this campus radio show, right?

Long hours, no pay.

Just me and another guy
doing all the work
because we love it.

Except in this case,
the other guy...

Is a girl.

Is a girl.

Carrie Spicer.

Sugar and spice
and everything nice.

Oh! In unspeakable ways.

Oh, wait.
Too much information.

All right.
Moving on.

For three years,
we spent pretty much
all of our time...

In the station,

And senior year
rolls around,

And I start making plans.

- I buy a ring.
- Wait. This is gonna be
a heartbreak story?

Oh, no, no.
I don't wanna hear
a sad story.

I compensate by overeating.

Too late.
You can't chicken out.

- You gotta listen
to the whole story.
- Oh. Okay.

So, I make
elaborate plans...

To ask her
to marry me.

- Stop.
- Live and on air.

- What?
- Yup.

So the day comes.
She's back in the booth
when a request comes in.

She signals line two.
I think she signals
line three.

So, I pick up,
and there's Carrie...

On line three,
telling her new guy...

How she plans
to leave me.

Yikes.

Yeah.

What did you do?

Well, I did what any seasoned
radio professional would do.

I freaked out
and I went off on her
like a raging lunatic.

Did I mention
the mike was still hot?

No! Oh, that is not good.

Yup. I managed to lose
the love of my life...

And get kicked out of school
all on the same day.

Want to know
the worst part?

No. Hold on.

Okay. Go.

It was Christmas.

That is the saddest story
I've ever heard.

Ah, not really.
The rant went viral.

And I'm an immediate
Internet sensation.

And the next thing you know,
I got a six-figure salary...

For just being...
What was it
that you called me?

A goofball?

[Laughing]
I hate you.

You know
I'm still eating this.
Dare me?

It's all yours.

Ah! [Laughing]
The whole bite.

- That is the biggest bite
I've ever seen.
- Mmm.

Listen, I've answered
enough questions.

It's your turn.

Fair enough.

Fire away.

- Scared.
- All right.

So, the whole
Dr. Love thing.

Is that real,
or is it just
a radio deal?

Ph.D. in psychology
from Northwestern.

Go, big purple.

So you clearly cheated.

I did not.

I actually graduated
with distinction, so...

Okay. Well,
if you're so smart,

Why you hanging out here
with me, freezing your
butt off in Idyllwild?

That is a good question.

Um, I had a practice
in Chicago,

And then my dad got sick,

So I moved back here
to be with him and my mom.

And he died
eight months ago.

Mmm.
[Clicks Tongue]

What?

Can we just take it back
a few seconds right before
I shoved my foot in my mouth?

It's fine.

- I'm sorry.
- Really, no, it's okay.

Um, so why don't you just
open up another practice?

Because this here
is mountain country, son,

And, well, we folks,
we don't talk about
our feelings.

Plus, I don't know.

The radio's
become my practice.

So what do you make
of me, Doc?

- You?
- Yeah.

Ah, you're easy.

Oh, yeah?

Guy who got
his heart broken,

Who now hides
behind a microphone...

'Cause he's scared
of getting hurt again.

Right?

Or maybe I'm just
being cautious.

You know,
like mature people do.

Well, your time's up.

This is my car, so...

So, what do I
owe you, Doc?

Oh, you can't afford me.

You know you're talking
to the second biggest radio star
in Idyllwild, right?

Oh, yeah? Okay.

Well, why don't you
make it snow?

'Cause it's just not
the same around here
without it.

That's a heck of a co-pay.

I told you,
I'm not cheap.

All right. Well, I guess
this is good night.

Um, are you sure
you don't want me
to drive you to Jonah's?

No, thanks.
I've gotta work off
all the cookies anyway.

Okay.

I'll see you tomorrow.

Drive safe.

Bye.

[Man On Phone]
I've asked her what
she wants for Christmas,

But she just says
she'll be happy with
whatever I get her.

Right. And everybody
who believes that,
raise your third hand.

No, I think what Tom's wife
is trying to say...

Is that it's the thought
that matters.

It's not
the gift itself.

Okay. Then why don't you
get her a thoughtful set
of snow tires...

And watch her light up
when you roll those babies in
on Christmas morning?

I'm sure that Tom is thinking
about something a little more
romantic than snow tires.

Right, Tom?

Tom?

Well, the radials
are kind of bald.

On that note, for calling in,
I'm gonna send you
a jewelry catalog.

That's all the time
we have for today, guys.

This is Dr. Love.

And I'm Pepper Sterling.

- And we are
signing off.
- Signing off.

That's what I'm talking about.
The banter between you two
needs to be more like that.

The raise your third hand?
And that jewelry catalog
comeback?

That was priceless.

What is this?
Armchair analysis?

Well, there's always room
for improvement.

Football coach dissects
game film every night, right?

And I dissected a frog
in biology class,

But I swore I'd never
do that again.

All I'm saying is the way
you two guys started,

I didn't know if this
was gonna work or not.

Well, even some
of the best marriages
get off to a rocky start.

I mean, not that we're
a couple or anything.

[High-pitched]
Awkward.

Sandy, I ordered some
of that takeout you love.

It's a nice day.
I thought we'd eat
out in the square.

Oh, um, yeah.
Yeah, sure. Thanks.

I'm such an idiot.
Pepper, you wanna join us?

I can order you something.
What do you like?

Nah, I can't do that.

Sure you can.
Why not?

I made plans already
for lunch.

You made plans?
With who?

With your trusty sidekick
in there.

You know what I think about
every time I eat one
of these bad boys?

A trip
to the emergency room.

No.
Little Lonnie Mills,
WNKW in Mississippi.

Soul beast
of the great Southeast.

Oh!
Moment of silence,
please.

He choked on a hot dog,
dropped dead right
in the middle of a show.

Dude's a legend.

What's going on
with those two?

What, you mean
dull and duller?

Best evidence yet
that there is, indeed,
a god.

Yeah? How's that?

Well, think about it.

The two most boring people
in the entire world...

Somehow managed
to find each other
in a place like this.

I mean, what are the odds?

If that's not
divine manipulation,
I don't know what is.

I don't know, man.
Maybe she's just having a tough
time after her dad died.

Maybe she just needs
a little bit of fun
in her life.

Forget it, man.
She was born without
the fun gene.

Oh, dude!
I just got the best idea.

Let's blow off work
and drive to Canada.

It's only, like,
14 hours.

I got a better idea.
Let's get back
to the hardware store.

How is that better
than Canada?

I got a call
from headquarters
this morning.

Oh, no. Who are they
unloading on us now?

Actually,
it was about me
this time.

They are considering me
for a job in Dallas.

What? Wow!

Cole, that's amazing.
Congratulations.

It's not a sure thing yet
and I'm sure they have
a lot of candidates,

But if it does happen,

I want you to think
about coming with me.

Wow. Um...

I don't know what to say.

I believe
in your talent.

Sandy,
I think you'd be a huge hit
in a market like Dallas.

And, yes,

The fact of the matter is
I would like to
keep seeing you.

I'm just asking you
to think about it.

Oh! Margaret!
I'm so sorry.

- That's okay.
- I'm sorry.

Okay. Sorry.

Oh, my gosh.
I have not been late
like this since college.

It's all right.
You still got 15 seconds.

Get your feet
out of my chair!

All right. Now that
the queen has arrived,
let's make some radio history.

- Live in five.
- Oh, I just gotta
catch my breath.

And now, your number one
talk radio show,

Dr. Love in the Mornings,
with special guest,
Pepper Sterling!

What's going on, Idyllwild?
Happy holidays.

We'll get to your calls
in a few minutes,

But first
here's a little something
to get you in the mood.

- [Deck the Halls plays]
- Wait. Wait, what?

I got a surprise for you
in your office.

Are you crazy?
We can't just walk out
on a show.

We can for three minutes
and 17 seconds,

Which is exactly how long
the song lasts.

- Come on.
- You know we're not
gonna make out.

It's not about that
this time. Follow me.

[Giggles]

Go ahead, open it.

[Sandy Laughing]

So, what do you think?

You filled my office
with packing peanuts.

[Laughs]

You said you wanted snow.

Well, now you got snow.

Well, I mean,
it is actually
kind of amazing.

[Both Shouting]

You're gonna pay for that.

[Scoffs]
Hey.

- Oh, my God.
- Get back here.

No! [Laughing]

[Muffled Laughing]

[Roars]
[Screams]

Take a good look
at your face.

See?
It's just like snow.

Yeah.

Let's tie it.

[Giggles]
Looks good.

- Oh...
- The show.

[Laughs]

[Sandy]
Ah!

And we're back.
I'm Dr. Sandra Love...

And I'm college dropout
Pepper Sterling.

Jonah,
who's our first caller?

[Jonah]
Up first we have "do that again
and I'll crush you both."

Go ahead, caller.
You're on with Dr. Love.

Oh, my God.
[Chuckles]

[Clears Throat]

[Laughs]
Well...

Looks like
you missed a peanut.

You don't mean snow?

Yeah, I mean snow.

I had fun today.

Yeah, yeah.
It was a good show.

All right, well, I'm gonna...
I'm gonna go.

[Chuckles]
All right.

If you're not
doing anything...

Other than rearranging
Jonah's sock drawer... nada.

Well, my mom and I
were gonna go pick out
our Christmas tree,

If you wanna come along.

Who, me? The overpaid
Cro-Magnon twit?

We need a little
caveman muscle.

Any opportunity to show off
these massive guns.

I'm in. Let's do this.

Go get in the car.

Hey, do me a favor
and be nice to my mom. Okay?

It's our first Christmas
without my Dad,
so she's a little fragile.

Yeah,
she seems real fragile.

- Katherine Love.
Call me Kate.
- Hi.

- Hi.
- I'm Pepper.

- You're that radio guy.
I like you. You're spunky.
- Yeah, that's me.

I hope you don't mind
that I invited him
to come cut a tree with us.

Yeah, that's great.
We could use the help.

- You got gloves?
- No.

Oh, well,
you'll need these.

All right. Be careful.

Let's go cut a tree.

-[Kate]
Come on.
-[Both Laughing]

[Pepper]
Aren't you guys freezing?

[Kate Scoffs]
You're not used
to the cold, huh?

Okay, you guys.
Let's pick it up.
We're losing light.

So, you kill
for your own food too?

Oh, yeah, absolutely.

I got a possum in the oven.
Hope you're hungry.

Hey, guys. That's it.
Right there.

[Kate]
Oh, that's pretty.
That's a good tree.

Do you approve of this one?

[Pepper]
It's so shiny.

Yeah. I made it.

It's cute.
I like it.

- It's pretty colorful.
- Thank you.

Hmm.
So, what do you think,

Little snowman thing
or baby's first Christmas?

I like both.
I say put both.

Yeah? All right.
You're the one who's
gotta live with it.

- Pepper?
- Yeah.

Um, where are you
spending Christmas?

I hadn't thought about it.
I wasn't sure how long
I was gonna be here.

Well, if you're still here,

We'd love to have you
spend it with us.

Only if you cook up
another possum.

That thing was incredible.

Little secret...
It was brisket.

Aw, don't tell me that.

Makes me feel more manly
to think I ate a giant rat.

Okay, what happened here?

[Laughs]
You know, I love this one.

I made it in second grade.
It's a reindeer.

Maybe after he got hit
by a truck.

What?

All right, we're gonna
put this guy back here
so nobody sees him.

No, that is so mean.
He goes in the front.

No, this is for his own good.

- This way no one will
make fun of him. Okay?
- Stop being so controlling.

Oh, you're calling me
controlling?

- I mean...
- Wow.

- Yeah, you're a little...
- Excuse me, guys.
I'll be back in a minute.

I'm gonna go and check on her.
I'll be right back, okay?

Yeah.

Hey.
Mom, what's wrong?

Nothing. Really, I'm good.

I'm so sorry.

I never should have
brought him here
without asking you first.

Are you kidding me?
No, I'm glad that you did.

It's like spending Christmas
with your dad.

Mom, Pepper
is nothing like Dad.

[Scoffs]
Who are you kidding?

He is exactly like your dad.
No wonder you like him so much.

I never said that I like him.

You didn't have to.

Okay, Mom, look, he's funny
and he's fun to be around,

But... that's it.

He's not substantial.
He's not like Dad.

Trust me,
it's nothing serious.

You make your dad
sound so serious.

Well, what's wrong with that?

Nothing, as long
as you're not boring.

I don't think you remember
how silly Dad used to be
with us...

And how much he could
make us laugh.

You gotta remember
to have fun and let go.

Now you sound like Pepper.

Then you should
listen to him.

Okay, you've got a guest,
and I know it's time for me
to get lost.

Mom. I love you.

[Laughs]

Sorry.

Did I upset her?

No. No, on the contrary.
She...

She adores you.

You made her really happy.

And me too.
So, thank you.

Well, I have
a confession to make.

Oh, no.
What did you do now?

- Steal the family silver?
- Worse.

What?

So, that tree over there?

That's not the only thing I
cut down with a chainsaw today.

What is it with men
and power tools?

You guys, like,
turn into little boys.

Little boys that can't stop
thinking about little girls.

Are you mad at me
for cutting this down too?

I guess...
only if you waste it.

[Sandy]
Most often,
in situations like this,

My advice
would be to avoid...

- Stop that right now.
- No.

All, am... uh, you know...

-Ambiguous psychological
functioning...
-[Pops]

That would manifest itself
in our, um...

In our... our dream state.
[Whispers]
Stop.

How does that sound?

[Male Caller]
Like you're psychotic.

I just asked if I should tip
the trash guy at Christmas.

Well, I'm sure that...

It will make
a lot more sense...

Once you've
thought about it.

Jonah, who's
our next caller?

Oh, uh, up next we have
Buddy from the
Golden Acres Retirement Home.

Oh, um, it's always a pleasure
to welcome a senior
onto our show.

Uh, can I ask how old you are?
[Whispers]
Don't.

-[Buddy]
I'll be 93 in January.
-[Pops]

Wow, almost 93. That's...
Congratulations.

Um, what's on your mind today,
Buddy?

- [Buddy] Sex.
- Sex?

Sex?

Yeah, yeah. Sex.

Talk to me, caller.
What's going on?

Okay. Well, not too long ago
my wife talked me into...

Getting one of those
stint thingies.

You know, to open up the valve
in the old ticker?

I gotta say,
I feel like a new man.

And not just
in the heart department,
if you know what I mean.

Yes, yes. We...
We know what you mean.

Um, so I'm guessing
your question is if it's okay
to resume having sex?

Wouldn't you after 37 years?

In my professional opinion,
I think you should consult
your doctor...

And have a full work-up
before any vigorous activity...

Just to make sure
that your heart and...

Other parts
are working correctly.

Buddy, you're 92 years old.
Forget the work-up.

- What?
- Look, you're already playing
with house money.

Come on. Get moving.
Ticktock. Time's a wastin'.

I mean, what's the worst
that could happen. Right?

[Bell Tolls]

[Microphone Popping]

Um, hello?
[Clears Throat]

You know,
I barely knew Buddy,

But during one of
our most recent talks...

Okay, our only talk...

I got to see that Buddy
was a great person.

Somebody who loved life...

And loved the person
he shared it with.

And who can ask for anything
more than that?

Ma'am, I can't tell you
how incredibly sorry I am.

I just... I feel awful about
what happened to your husband.

Oh, it's okay, sweetie.

Buddy and I had
a wonderful life together.

And I want you to know
he died a very happy man.

[Both Chuckling]
Well, it's always good
to go out on a high note.

Mrs. Crutchfield,
now what would Buddy think?

Who cares? He's dead.

Like you say, at my age,
there's no time to waste.

All right, then.
So you wanna dance
with an old fart like me?

[Laughing]
Can you keep up?

[Pepper]
No, can you keep up?

I like your moves.

-[Cackling]
- Whoa, you're getting away
from me.

[Mrs. Crutchfield]
Whoo-whoo. Grandma nothin'.

Whoo-whee!

I got all kinds
of surprises, little boy.

-[Pepper]
One handed, huh? Oh!
- Just let me show you my stuff.

And here it comes.

Whoa.
[Laughing]

- Well, look what heaven
dropped into my lap.
- Shut up and dance.

All right.

I had no idea memorials
could be so much fun.

Wanna dance?

You sure you're up for it?

You probably ought to get
a full work-up before
any vigorous activities.

[Both Chuckling]

[Pepper]
I'm telling ya, that old lady
was pretty into me.

[Sandy]
You know,
she just lost her husband.

[Jonah]
Rebound relationship.
She's using you, man.

Well, here I am,
my blue-haired vixen.

Come and use me up.

-[Pepper] With the chess
pieces all in the punch.
-[Jonah Laughing]

- Hi.
- Hey. Looks like I missed
a heck of a party.

- Oh, you have no idea.
- The prune pudding was
the bomb diggity.

I can't even get that taste
out of my mouth.

Pepper, can I have you
come to my office for a second?

Just come on in
and close the door.

Ooh.

Yeah, sure.

Just Pepper.

- Oh, you didn't want
to see us?
- No.

Okay, all right.
Good luck, Pepper.

[Scoffs]

Love you.

So, what's up?

Headquarters called.
They want you back on the air.

- Since when?
- Since their ratings dropped
four percent.

So just like that,
I'm out of the penalty box?

Yeah. A dip in ad revenue
will do that.

They, uh... They're sending
a plane tomorrow.

They want you back
by Christmas Day.

Christmas Day? No.
I-I can't do that to Sandy.

I'm confused.
I thought you couldn't wait
to get out of here.

Yeah, no. Um...
Yeah, it's great.

Look, can you do me a favor
and just...

Not say anything
to Sandy?

I wanna tell her myself.

Pepper,
she means a lot to me.

Probably a lot more
than I mean to her.

Don't hurt her.

All right. Sandy and Pepper
in the Morning's promo,
take four.

This is KZJJ 99.6,

Home of Sandy and Pepper
in the Morning.

- How was that?
- Inspired.

Hey. What do you think?

What happened to
Dr. Love with special guest
Pepper Sterling?

I guess I'm getting
used to sharing.

We were just playing around
with a couple things,
seeing how stuff sounds.

We should have Pepper
do one.

I'll do one in a minute.

Um, Jonah,
can we get a second?

[Whispers]
Yeah.

Hey.
What happened in there?

Nothing. Um, I'm fine.

It's just...

I think there's something
we need to talk about.

What is it?

- Um...
- Pepper, just say it.

Well...

Yeah. I just...

I was wondering if you wanted
to go to the company Christmas
party with me.

I mean, sure, but we don't...

We don't have
a company Christmas party.

I'm talking about the one
on Sunday in California.

Wait, are you kidding? L.A.?

- Are you kidding?
- No, I mean, I know
it's short notice...

And you probably have some,
like, trees to chop down
or something...

No, shut up.
I mean, what about the show?

Well, we can have
a company plane pick us up
right after the show,

And then we'll be back
in time the next morning.

Wait, wait, wait.
Are you joking?

I mean,
L.A. and a private plane?

There's one catch.

What?

You gotta be my date.

- [Squealing, Laughing]
- Yeah?

[Kisses]

I guess that means
you'll think about it?

- It's an experience.
- [Shrieks]

[Shutter Clicks]

Thanks.

[Shutter Clicks]

- And one point... Pepper.
- [Shouts]

Can we take a picture?

Aw, sure, why not?

[Shutter Clicks]

Whoa.

-[Sandy]
This mansion is your house?
-[Engine Off]

Yep.
[Chuckles]

- Show me.
- There's nothing
to see.

It's just a bunch
of empty rooms.

- Jimmy.
- Welcome home, Mr. Sterling.

Hey. Hey, can you throw that
in the back for us?

Sure thing.

- Thanks.
- There you go.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- I'll see you
in a little bit.
- Okay.

- Okay, who was that?
- Ah, that's Jimmy,
my house manager.

Are there any other
people in the entourage
I need to know about?

That's it.

So, are you gonna tell me
what's in that basket?

Now, now,
have a little patience.
You'll see.

- Let's put our stuff
right here.
- Okay.

So, do you always have
your minions pack you
a nice little picnic?

Oh, this isn't a picnic.
It's way better than that.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yep.

We're gonna
make a snowman.

L.A.-style.

Uh, what are we gonna
use for snow?

We're gonna use sand.

[Pepper]
Voilà.

[Giggling]

What else do you have in here?

Yeah, we got
some shovels for ya.

Yeah, instead of it melting,
the high tide just washes it
back out to sea.

- Can I ask you something?
- What?

Why on earth would someone
as incredible as you...

Stick around
in Idyllwild, Colorado?

Well, you know,
my mom's cookies are
a big selling point.

Okay.

Come on.
I'm being serious.

What? I mean, I told you.

I moved home to be with my mom
when my dad got sick.

Nope. I don't buy it.

Your mom can
take care of herself.

Who said anything about
taking care of her?

I said, "being with her."

You know, breathing
the same air as her.

Sharing the same space.

It's what you do when
you love someone else.

You want to be around them
all the time.

[Sighs]
We need to talk about
the Christmas party.

You know, I think
he's missing something.

I'll be right back.
Hold on.

Sandy, what...

Wait a sec.

Pepper?
Pepper.

Man, why didn't you call me?
I would've picked you up
at the airport, brother.

Look, we got a lot
to talk about.

Yeah, yeah, I know. I just...

I got a friend in town and
I'm just showing her around.

It's her first
time here, so...

Oh, nice.

You tell her her tour guide
is about to become
the king of L.A.

[Scoffs]
What are you talking about?

Ratings have been so bad
since you left...

That they are desperate
to get you back on the air, man.

Look, have you seen these?

What?

They are blanketing
the whole city with those...

Billboards, bus stops,
everything.

Wow, I guess they really
did miss me, huh?

I mean, they never spent
this kind of money before.

That, my friend,
is what I call "leverage,"

And my two favorite words
in the whole English language...

Are "re" and "negotiation."

-[Laughs]
- Turning lemons
into lemonade, huh?

It's what I do, baby.

I'll call you tomorrow.
All right?

Hey. Who was that?

Oh, that's my buddy,
Morris.

All right. There.

Perfect.

Yeah, I guess it is,
isn't it?

It's sort of sad that this
is all gonna be washed away
by tomorrow, isn't it?

Are you okay?

This is her, right?

Your girlfriend?

- Your make-out buddy?
- Okay, it's not
like that.

I promise,
it's not like that.

Why did you even
bring me here?

I think you should
let me explain.

There's no need to.
That... That says it all.

- Congratulations.
You're back.
- Sandy...

No, now you get to
go back to real life.

When were you gonna tell me
about this?

At the party, or...

Wait...

There...
There is a party, right?

No.

I feel so stupid.

I was gonna tell you.
In fact, I tried...

Has anything that
you've said been true?

You know what?
It doesn't even matter now.

Because, you know, I'm not
one of your callers, right?

Like, you know you can't just
use me for entertainment

And then disconnect from me
whenever you're done.

You knew this
was gonna happen. Come on.

I mean, now... a month from now...
at some point, they were gonna
bring me back here.

So then why do all this
with me?

What do you want me
to say?

I have a deal with these people.

Okay?
I made a commitment.

You may have a deal
with these people,

But you know nothing
about commitment.

Sandy.

Sandy, I'm sorry.

Where are you even gonna go?

[Sighs]

[Carrie]
Welcome back to Pepper
and Spice in the Morning.

We would like to thank
our special guest Rat Mutants...

For stopping by
on Christmas Day.

The final show of Rat Mutants'
Merry Metal Christmas Tour...

Is tonight, and I'm told
you guys have got some
surprises up your sleeve.

Yeah, I'm performing
a special mash-up...

Of "Jingle Bells"
and "Putrefied Maggots."

Can't get more Christmassy
than that, right?

[No Audible Dialogue]

So, um, I've got to tell you...

When Pepper and I
were in college,

We absolutely loved
your first album.

Especially the third track.
I, uh, I can't remember
the name of it,

But I do know that we
made out to it...

For 12 minutes
and 11 seconds.

I get that a lot.

Apparently that tune
helped breed us...

A whole new generation of fans.

Well, I bet you Pepper
remembers the name of the track.

- Pepper?
- Just a college
thing, sweetie.

Long time ago.

Talk to me, Morris.
What's going on here?

Uh, he's just a little
out of sync.

- He'll get it back.
- Yeah, well, he better.

You know, we didn't
double his salary for this.

And that's going to wrap
things up for today.

I'm Carrie.

And I'm outta here.

[Carrie]
And we'll be back tomorrow...

With more Pepper
and Spice in the Morning.

And we're out.

Will somebody please tell me
what's going on?

Okay, you tell him
that I want to see him
in my office, now.

No worries.
I'll talk to him.

Pepper!

[Sighs]

What are you trying
to do, man. Huh?

Get yourself kicked off
the air again?

Back off.

I just... I can't think
straight right now.

Oh, clearly.

Look, I'll get it together.
I promise.

[Sighs]
Okay.

Come on, Sandy.
Answer.

[Ringing]

[Sandy: Recording]
Hi, you've reached Sandy's
cell phone. Leave a message.

Okay, this is a special one
for you.

- Mom!
- But it... Oh, turn it
like that.

It's no big deal.
You'll see.

What did you
get me?

Hmm.

Oh...
[Laughs]
It's my little reindeer.

[Kate]
Pepper was right.
Poor thing was falling apart...

And there's no way
I could ever get rid of that.

Thank you.

Look, I know you're
going through so much
right now,

And I'm so sorry.

Oh, Mom.
[Laughing, Crying]

Oh.

I'm gonna go make us
a pot of coffee,
and we're gonna talk.

- Okay?
- Okay.

[Vibrates]

[Knocking On Door]

Merry Christmas.

Cole. Hi.

Merry Christmas.

Yeah, something tells me
I'm not who you were
hoping for.

No, no.
It's nothing like that.

Come in.

I just dropped by
to bring you this.

You didn't have
to get me a gift.

Well, just open it.

Okay.

- Cowboy boots.
- [Both Laughing]

Wow.

You know, I think this might be
the first time...

Anyone's every given me
a pair of these.

Okay, but they're
sort of symbolic.

I got a call
from the network last night,

And they want me in Dallas
tomorrow night.

You got the job. That's...
That's fantastic.

And I still, uh,
mean what I said.

I hope you come with me.

Cole, h-how can you mean that?

After what happened.

Look, whatever happened
between you and Pepper,

It doesn't change the fact that
you're great at what you do.

And, uh, the truth is...

I still want a chance
to make us work.

I'm gonna leave
after the show tomorrow.

And I really hope you're
in the car with me.

[Sandy: Recording]
No, you don't get your wife
sexy lingerie for Christmas.

[Pepper: Recording]
Why not? It's kind of
a his-and-hers gift.

[Sandy]
Please. The last thing that I
want in the middle of winter

Is fishnet underwear, okay?

I like my p.j.'s flannel
and preferably with feet.

[Pepper]
Which explains why
you're still single.

[Laughing]
See? It's funny, right?

Yeah, it is.

But it's about as soft
as a bag of marshmallows.

You're wrong.
You're wrong, man.

People love this stuff.

Yeah, maybe back in Weedpatch
or wherever you were.

But this is L.A.
Nobody's gonna want
to hear that, man,

Especially not
coming out of you.

How do you know?
Man, come on.
Give me an hour.

Middle of the night.
I don't care.
I'll do it for free.

And if it flops,
I'll let it go.
I promise.

Pepper, it's not you.
Huh?

You're all about edge.
Getting crazy.

Being unpredictable.
That's your brand.

What if I want
a different brand.

Then you will be walking away
from a ton of money...

And a very successful career.

[Sighs]
Look, my advice to you...

Is to just let her go, man.

- Hey.
- Hi.

You going somewhere?

I haven't decided yet.

You know, Cole wants me
to go with him to Dallas.

Wow.

What do you want to do?

I want
what I can't have.

Honey.

I don't know.
Part of me thinks
I should just go.

You know, give myself
a chance to start over.

And Cole? Is he someone
that you want to be with?

I don't know. I...
Maybe someday.

Well, then maybe someday
you should go to Dallas.

- But not now.
- I can't stay here.

Every time I look
at that empty microphone,

I think about Pepper.

I don't think I could
get through a show without
completely falling apart.

Yes, you can.

It gets better.

I can't tell you how much
I used to feel that same way...

Every time I'd be in bed...

And I'd look
at Dad's empty pillow.

Mom.

But it does get better.

You do what you need to do.

I love you.

I love you too.

Hey, Mr. Sterling.

Nice day, huh?

What's nice about it?

Well, my friends back east
are bragging about the snow
they got for the holidays.

I just think it's great
to be in California
at Christmas.

Depends on who you're with,
I guess.

Yeah. I, uh...
I know what you mean.

You know, my grandparents
felt the same way.

They were, uh,
married for 43 years.

God bless 'em.

Didn't matter where they were,
as long as they were together.

You know?
That was the, uh...

That was the greatest place
on earth.

Thanks, Jimmy.
I needed that.

Sure thing, sir.

Hey, Jimmy.

Something wrong, sir?

[Chuckles]
No.

Something's right.

Something's very right.
You know what?

I'm gonna need to get
those keys from you.

I'll see you.

Drive safe.

Here. Keep the change.

Hey, Kate. Is Sandy around?

Pepper, what are you
doing here?

I came to tell her
what an idiot I am.

Couldn't you have done that
on the phone?

No, I've realized it
and I need to show her.

- Is she upstairs?
- No, she's at work.

But her show is
in the morning.

No, it's
a special broadcast today.

She's saying good-bye.

Good-bye?
What are you talking about?

To her listeners.
Didn't she call you?

No.

She's going to Dallas with Cole.

No.
No, she can't do that.

I gotta go.
I gotta go.

Thank you, Kate.
Thank you.

Hey, come back! Wait!

I'm gonna need to borrow
that car of yours.

Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure.

Hey, do you know
how to drive a stick?

Of course.

-[Engine Revving]
-[Pepper]
Come on. Stupid truck.

Come on, let's go.
[Grunts]

Come on!

[Woman Caller]
He's obsessed with sports.

He says he'll do better
right after bowl season,

Or the NFL play-offs.

For sure
before spring training.

- What do you think?
Should I believe him?
-[Pops]

Unfortunately it sounds like
you're in a relationship
with someone...

Who doesn't want
the same things as you.

So, you have a choice to make.

You either spend
the rest of your life
wishing it were different,

Or... you move on.

Um, let's take our final break.

You're listening to a special
farewell broadcast of Dr. Love.

[Pops]

Aww, man.

[Honks]

Move! Come on!

- Watch where you're going!
- All right, already!

- Go!
- Kill yourself!

- You got it?
- Yeah.

[Sandy Laughing]
Okay.

- One more.
- Yeah.

[Sighs]

[Grunting,
Panting]

[Groans]

Pepper?

Pepper!

Oh. Oh, man.
Oh, I am so glad
to have you back.

It's like a morgue in there.

I'm starting to play funeral
music between the breaks.

Yeah, well, let it go.
I'm not coming back.

Well...
[Chuckles]

What do you mean
you're not coming back?

You belong here, man.
Come on.

Now get down out of that thing
and do something totally epic.

Give it up, Jonah.
Okay?

Go find another hero.

I don't even give a damn about
the radio show anymore, man.

I'm not what you think I am.

I'm just another guy.

Who said anything
about the radio show?

I'm talking about Sandy.

She loves you, dude.

I mean, even a nimrod
like me can see that.

You know what? Maybe, uh...
Maybe you're right.

Maybe you're
just another guy.

And she deserves a lot
better than that.

[Sandy]
Okay. That'll wrap things up
for me today.

On a personal note, I...

I just want to tell you all
how special you've made me feel.

And how grateful I am that
you've let me into your lives.

So... from the bottom
of my heart, thank you.

[Phone Rings]

Dr. Love. Uh, you are caller
number too late.

She just hung up on
her last victim. So...

- This is Dr. Sandra Love
and you've been listening to...
- Uh, hold the phone, Doc.

What?

Uh, it looks like we have
just one more caller...

Who could really use
a little help.

Uh, okay.
So, um, yeah.

I guess we have time
for one more quick call.

Who am I speaking with?

An overpaid, rock-headed,
Cro-Magnon twit...

Who'd rather die than let
the love of his life slip away.

He finally understands
what's missing in his life.

And even though it may seem
like he has it all,

He realizes that he's got
nothing without her.

Uh, I-I can definitely hear...

The regret in your voice,

But I think you might have
waited too long.

Not if she gives me
another chance.

I just don't know
if that's possible.

- Good-bye, caller.
- Wait. Can I just say
one more thing?

What else is there to say?

[Sighs]

I don't think I can express it
over the phone.

Maybe you should come outside
and see for yourself.

You're here?

This is crazy.
I can't just walk out
on my listeners like that.

I don't think you have
to worry about that.

'Cause they're all out here
with me.

All right,
this is it.

Now.

[Cheering, Clapping]

- Look, it's snowing.
- Oh. [Laughing]

[Both Laughing]