Original subtitles

(TYRES SCREECHING)

just pulling in now.

What number was it?

Who called it in?

Oh, God. Doesn't sound too good, does it?

Hope I'm not too late.

Hello there. Through here, is it?

CAROL: (SCREAMING) Please! We need help! Please!

(BIRDS CHIRPING)

(VACUUM CLEAN ER WHIRRING)

Jim!

Jim, have you sorted out the music like I asked you to?

Something appropriate this time, not the soundtrack to The Mission.

I want it to be like a party, not an advert for British Airways.

Jim!

Useless.

Oh, my God!

Katie, what have you been doing?

What?

This mess. It's like a bomb site.

Well, it's just a book.

You've... You've knocked over all the tassels.

Are you trying to drive me mad?

I've only just tidied up in here.

Well, it is tidy.

I'm just doing my homework.

Well, you'll have to do it upstairs.

I can't have it looking like Vietnam.

You know it's your Nana's party today.

Where's your father? Is he upstairs?

Dunno. What time are they coming?

Any minute.

(SIGHS) If he's in that deckhouse watching his Countdown videos,

I'll kill him. (BREATHES HEAVILY)

Have you signed your Nana's card?

No. I made her one with loads of glue and glitter.

(EXCLAIMS) What?

Oh, Katie, it's not funny. Are you trying to give me a stroke?

Oh, 79. I just wish it was the 80th, then we could have it all done.

That's nice.

Well, you know what I mean. It's a lot of work.

Can you go and see if he's in the deckhouse, please, Katie?

Do you mean the shed?

And can you bring me in some of those sausage rolls from the freezer?

I don't want to be caught short.

Right...

The plates, napkins, crisps for Carol...

No, that's not right.

_B°°! “Oh!

Heh, hey! That got you didn't it?

What the bloody hell are you doing?

You'd better not have cut a hole in that table.

No, the middle leaf slides out...

(SIGHS)

So...

What do you think?

About what?

I'm gonna be under there when Pat arrives with your mother.

You get him to move the cake, he'll get the shock of his life.

Why?

Oh, come on, Angela. You know what he's like.

You were furious when he put cling film over the downstairs toilet.

Yeah, and what about the time he put wallpaper paste in the birdbath?

Oh, don't. I still see that one-legged tit.

Exactly. He needs a taste of his own medicine.

But not on my mother's birthday.

You can do it in your own time.

And what are we gonna do for a cake now?

Oh...

He thinks I haven't got a sense of humour.

He's unable to engage with me on an intellectual level,

so he has to resort to puerile, practicaljokes.

Well, you've just cut a hole in my second-best table cloth,

so I think the joke's on me.

What time are they arriving?

Any minute. Can you just please straighten those tassels?

They are literally driving me mad.

I'm not happy about this, Jim.

Pat's got enough on his plate

without you turning intojustin Bieber.

Who?

You know, the little man with the beard,

plays tricks on people.

Jeremy Beadle?

Well, whoever he was.

Pat's got the Carol situation to think about.

What's happening with that now? Is it still bad?

It's worse. According to Pat,

it's white wine in a coffee mug at 9:30 in the morning, apparently.

Mind you, if I were married to Pat, I think I'd be driven to drink.

Now, it's important you don't light the candles, Ange.

The exterior is all sugar paste icing, but it's just cardboard underneath.

1 don"c want to end up as pan of Arc.

Don't tell me, I'm not getting involved.

Oh, come on, Angela.

You're always saying I'm boring, I've got no sense of humour.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, do you have to? I'm going to my room.

Could you just try and be nice? just for my mother's sake?

I'm always nice.

I just want my revenge.

-(HORN HONKING) - Oh, my God. They're here.

I've got one marigold inside out.

What am I supposed to do again?

Just get Pat to move the cake.

And don't let him plug in his mobile phone.

All he ever wants to do is steal our electricity.

Hello! Happy birthday, Mum. Come in.

I need to spend a penny first.

- Is it this one? - Yeah.

And you've no need to lock it this time, Mum.

(LOCKS DOOR)

We'll never get her out now. Hiya, Carol.

Hiya, love. You all right?

- This is nice. - Oh, catalogue. Don't tell Pat.

- I heard that, pardon. - Hiya, Pat.

I used to be a werewolf, but I'm all right now... (HOWLS)

Do you need a hand with anything?

No, I've only got the one bag, you've met my wife, Carol.

Take that mask off, you daft sod.

You take yours off first.

- Thanking you. - Thank you.

- Right, please go through. - Mmm...

- Oh, you've got it lovely, Ange. - Oh. (LAUGHS)

- Take your shoes off. - Why?

Do you remember last time when you shuffled all that muck in,

-she went mad. - Well, it's their own fault.

Who owns a white carpet now, except for Elton john?

Right, make yourselves at home.

Sorry, I've told him to take his shoes off.

Oh, there's no need. Although I mightjust...

Er, straighten...

There... Right, what can I get you to drink?

Er, she'll have a tea, won't you?

I can answer for myself.

Yeah, I'll have tea.

And you've got your own, Pat?

Yes, I'll er, pop them in the fridge, if I may?

Ooh.

Where'sjimbo?

Oh, he's around somewhere.

Deckhouse probably.

Oh, Countdown omnibus?

Who knows?

Right, well, we'lljust wait for mother to come out of the loo

and then we'll do the cake, all right?

Oh, well, let her get settled first, eh?

Is Katie not here?

No, no, she's up in her room doing her homework.

We hardly see her since we got her that tablet.

Oh, did you hear that, Pat? They got her a tablet.

Hmm. Bit young to be on the pill, isn't she?

It's a computer device.

No, he knows what it is.

Right, it's not flushed. I can't make it flush.

Well, you push it, I showed you last time.

I did push it, nothing happened.

It's all right, Mum, I'll do it.

Here, take this.

Oh, don't be horrible.

At least you didn't put that tin foil over it again.

Cling film.

Did your pedestal mat come out all right, Angela?

We disposed of it, it's fine. Come through, Mother.

(SIGHING)

You still on that diet, Pat?

Yes, I'm on a seafood diet.

If I see food, I eat it. (LAUGHING)

Well, there's plenty of sa lady stuff anyway.

Oh, Angela, read this card that he got for me,

it's a scream.

You mind if I charge my phone for an hour, Ange?

- It's running a bit low. - No, of course not.

- Down here is it? - Oh, no, no.

Just a minute, I'll put it in up here, Pat.

"Forget about the past, you can't change it.

"Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

"Forget about the present, I didn't get you one."

(LAUGHING) Isn't that a scream?

Courtesy of Mr H. Allmark.

Did you hear it, Angela?

Yes, Mother. It's very funny.

Well, shall we move this cake and make some room, Pat?

- Could you? - Wait a minute.

I want to take a picture of the spread.

I told your cousin Ann I'd show it to her.

Now, where's my camera?

Pat, have you seen my camera?

It's in the car, Maggie. I'll be back in two shakes.

Don't be long.

(EXCLAIMS)

(SIGHS)

You used too much paper, Mum. It's all right, it's gone now.

Oh, thanks, Carol love.

Come and have a look at our Angela's spread.

She's done a prawn ring.

Oh, yeah. You can get them quite cheap now, can't ya?

It's all Marks' actually.

Apart from the ham, which I got from the local batchers.

From the what?

Fro m the batch e rs.

The batchers? What's the batchers?

Leave her alone. I like her talking posh.

It's not posh, Mother, it's proper.

(LAUGHING) Oh, we're not proper, Mum.

I wanted both my girls to talk nice.

That's why I sent you for electrocution lessons.

You should say batcher, Carol.

That's how ya get on.

All right, so what are we having for afters, summer pudding?

Well, I did make a trifle,

but it's got quite a bit of sherry in it, so...

Kettle's boiled.

(WHISPERS) Go.

I'll give you a hand.

Marks is dear though, isn't it, Angela?

They sell carrots, peeled.

(FARTING)

Get down.

-(CLEARS THROAT) -jlM: Oh, Jesus Christ.

(SIGHS) Here we go, Maggie May. You're ready for your close-up?

Oh, yeah. Go on.

Get the spread in.

00f, that meat's off.

No, it's fresh from the batchers.

Right, hang on a minute, Mum. Let me get them candles lit.

- No. - Eh?

No, don't... Don't do it yet, jim'll want to see it.

Oh, he won't mind. You can always light them again.

Mmm, there's a special setting on here for candles.

Come on, then, everyone bunch in.

I want both my daughters.

Three generations.

Oh, where's your Katie?

She's upstairs doing her homework. just take it, Pat...

They've got her a tablet.

- A what? - A computer.

She's 14.

Oh, Angela, they don't need computers at 14.

They do if they want to get into St Catherine's.

Just take it, Pat.

Right, then, say "cheesy wotsits".

Cheesy wotsits.

Hi, Nana! Happy birthday.

Ah, Katie. You're here.

Just get in this and then I'll have all my girls.

Hiya, darling.

Hi, Auntie Carol. (LAUGHING)

Hi, Uncle Pat.

Bloody hell, who's this? You've shot up, haven't you?

A proper little madam.

Come on, then, let's get this photo taken.

Three generations.

Just let me refocus.

Oh, come on David Bailey, hurry up.

One, two, three...

- Wait. - What?

I didn't show Katie the card.

Oh, show her after, Mum.

No, I want to show her now.

Listen to this, Katie.

"Forget about the past, you can't change it."

- Can we just... -" Forget about the future,

"you can't predict it."

Mother, you can do that in a minute.

"Forget about the present, I didn't get you one."

(LAUGHING)

CAROL: It tickled you, that, hasn't it?

Oh, it has and I don't know where he gets them from.

Mr H. Allmark.

Well, it's funny, Nana.

Can you just blow the bloody candles out?

Oh, hang on. I have to make my wish.

- Hey! - Mum! It's Nana's cake.

She took my wish.

Pat, could you move the cake now, please?

Ah, no. Battery's run out.

I'lljust nip and get the charger from the car.

You don't mind, do you, Ange?

No, you can plug it in next to your mobile.

Thanking you.

Well, erm, I've got to get on with my homework now, Nana. So...

Right. Well, er, I'lljust nip to the loo, top myself up.

Where's my bag?

Katie,

tell me about this tablet.

Is it a computer?

I have 23 tablets a day, imagine that.

Well, that went well, didn't it?

Is this all of it?

Mmm, it's thin.

Is it magnetic?

You know, I bought your mum one of these.

You had to drag iron filings onto a man's face

and make little beards and funny hair.

- Can yours do that? - I don't know.

Hers did. There's nothing new.

Well, you can play games on it as well, Nana, look...

Oh, lovely colours.

Hello, is this the Princess Palace?

Oh, no. You've taken them all down!

Oh, you used to have all the princesses, didn't you?

Oh, Snow White, Cinderella,

the Chinese one, what was she called now, not Chinkerbell...

Auntie Carol! You can't say that.

Yeah, I know. Cos she wasn't a proper princess, she was a fairy.

I've always thought it.

They try and bundle them all together, it's a rip-off.

So, party in your room, is it? Eh?

Well, erm, I've got to get on with my homework.

Eh?

Oh, there's time for work, Katie. It's your Nana's birthday.

I'm building a path on my island,

I don't know why.

You know your problem? You're like your dad.

Too much in your head.

Oh, there's a whole world out there, Katie.

Just... just have fun

because it goes by so fast.

Will you let me do your nails, please?

I've just got to get on with my maths.

I'll tell you maths, shall I?

One takes away from one and you're left with nothing.

Do you think I'd make a good mum, Katie?

Be honest.

Yeah.

Correct. Mmm...

Right, I'm going toilet.

Yeah. (SIGHS)

Eh, have I shown you this?

This is my block.

Ah. "Apply liberally for 24-hour protection."

(LAUGHING)

You won't get that. I do.

Oh, just have fun.

(SIGHING)

Now, how do I get back to main menu, Katie?

I want to attack that village.

I thinkjust leave it now, Jim.

It didn't work. It's too late.

It's not too late.

You get under there and I'll get him to move the cake.

- I'm not doing it. - Come on, he'll be back soon.

Oh, Jim. Is it worth it?

Yes! It's just a laugh, OK?

- Now, get under the table. - Well, make it quick.

I've got 24 sausage rolls to warm through.

(CHUCKLING)

Here he is, the man himself.

How are you,jimbo?

I'm all right, thanks, Pat.

Angela'sjust nipped out to get some more candles.

Hmm, I didn't see her. She didn't come past me.

No, she went out the back and through the gardens.

It's slightly quicker.

How is Angela these days? I thought she looks a bit tired.

You know, a little bit puffy-eyed and pale.

Er, she's all right. You know what she's like,

she's always got some project on the go.

Yes, I just wish Carol was like that.

Hmm. How is Carol these days?

Fine, fine.

Just need to get her a little job. She's ready now.

Good, good. Do you want to give me a hand moving this cake, Pat?

I just wanna make some more room.

Righty-ho. Oh, before I forget,

I've got that, er, Countdown video you lent me.

Don't worry about it.

No, no, I'm sure you'll want it back. I'lljust, er, pop and get it.

ANGELA: Jim. What's going on?

Nothing, he's just... He'll be back soon.

Where's he going? I'm starting to get a stiff neck.

All right, well, maybe we should leave it, then. Do you want to...

Here we go. Yes, quite a decent episode, I thought.

A lot happens.

I can't remember, to be honest.

Well, there are three scenarios.

The first one involves a blonde lady taking,

shall we say, two from the top and one in the bottom...

Pat! Let me get you a drink.

You must be thirsty after that long drive.

Have they still got those roadworks up at Long Croft?

No, they've moved onto Ash Lane now.

There's temporary traffic lights,

but unless you're doing the school run, it's not too bad.

Hmm, so, did you forgo the pleasures of the A352?

Yes, I tend to take that cut-through on Meadowbank now,

it's always quieter.

Oh, good, good.

So, about this cake...

If you could give me a hand, it is quite heavy.

Don't be leaving this lying around,jim.

Wouldn't want Katie putting it on by accident.

No, I'll, er, I'lljust put it somewhere safe.

You see, I'm like you, Jim.

I can't watch hardcore pornography on a computer.

Give me an old-fashioned video cassette any day of the week.

Oh, well, good for you.

Yeah, I particularly enjoyed this week's conundrum.

I might be returning to have another go at that one, if you don't mind.

Dunno what you mean.

Charlie's Anals,

starring Farrah Forced-It, Katy jacked-Off and Jaclyn Clit.

Where do they come up with these names, I ask you?

Well, I...

Oh, God. What are you two talking about?

Is he boring you, Jim?

No, we werejust, er, discussing an episode of Countdown.

Oh, weary.

Oh, let's get some music on, get some life into this house.

Where's our Angela?

Oh, shejust nipped out to get some more candles.

It's, er, a bit cold outside for sun-cream, isn't it, Carol?

Let me get you a nice, refreshing glass of Adam's Ale.

Piss off and leave me alone, you fat pig.

As you wish.

Oh, what the hell is this terrible music?

It's Ennio Morricone, Carol. The Mission.

Oh, my favourite position.

Mmm...

Your Katie's got a nice room, hasn't she?

Yes, she picked it all out herself.

She knows her own taste.

She's got a better bedroom than me. Huh, that's ironical, isn't it?

Who sang that...

# It's ironical #

I don't know.

She's got a lovely big bed.

Maybe we could christen it one afternoon?

That'd be nice, wouldn't it?

Come on, my angel, have a few sips on this.

- Come on, Jim, dance with me. - No.

No, I think perhaps I should go and put the sausage rolls in the oven.

Yeah, I wish you would.

Come on, Carol.

Drop dead.

I'lljust, erm, go and fetch a towel.

- I wanna tell him, Jim. - What?

I wanna tell Pat and what's it... Angela.

Oh, Carol, shush. Why are you saying all this?

Because you've made promises to me over the years.

- Years? What are you... - Now, I want them told today.

It's humiliating for me to have to come around here

and see all what she's got.

Why are you still with her, Jim?

You told me you couldn't stand the sight of her.

- No, that's not true, Ange... - Oh, I want this to be my house.

I want this spread to be my spread.

I want you to put your sausage rolls in my oven, bun assisted.

Please discard all packaging and turn over after fifteen minutes

when thejuices run clear... Or is that a chicken?

Stop it!

I waited for you, Jim.

- You promised me a baby. - Carol, stop it!

Katie, do you wanna know what your sister's name was gonna be?

Don't listen to her, she's drunk.

I love ya.

Oh, you'll have to get one of these for my 80th.

Hello, Jim love, are you all right?

Yes. Happy birthday, Maggie.

Hello, Katie. (LAUGHS)

Oh, here she is.

Katie, come and dance with me.

Where's Angela? I want to show her that I built a settlement.

Oh, she won't be long. She'sjust running an errand.

It's got pigs and everything.

I think I'd like a drink now, Jim.

Can I have a gin and tonic, please?

Yes, right, do you want ice?

Yes, but don't be putting willies in it.

- What? - Pat has these ice cubes

at his house in the shape of willies.

You fill the tray with water, put it in the freezer,

and out comes 24 little ice willies.

It's comical. Isn't it, Carol?

I'm just telling jim about Pat's willies.

I wouldn't know, I haven't seen it in years.

He keeps it hid.

I'll have a jim and tonic if you're making one, Jim?

Do you want one, Katie?

Erm, no. I've got to finish my maths.

Oh, Katie, live. Live while you're still young.

Don't let it pass you by.

-(SIGHS) Here you go, Maggie. - Ah, thank you.

Come on, Carol. I think you should go and have a lie down.

Oh, did you hear that, Katie? (LAUGHING)

Your dad's trying to get me into bed, what do you think about that?

- Right, that's enough. - Don't you touch me.

I'm bonding with Katie.

- If I'm gonna be her stepmum... - What?

For God's sake, Carol, shut your mouth!

Don't talk to her like that, Jim.

Come on, Carol, love.

(sesame)

Oh, you've ruined my makeup now.

I don't know why I bothered.

I don't know what's got into her.

It's all right, Jim, it's all under control.

- She just started ranting and raving... -jim.

I know.

All right.

I know.

Know what?

What is he talking about?

Where's Mum?

- She just... - Right everyone, I am making my wish.

- No! - I want a tablet.

(SCREAMS) Angela!

What?

I nip out for five minutes, all hell breaks loose.

Oh, thank God.

I'm sorry I spoilt your trick, Jim,

I just couldn't stay under there any longer, my knees were killing me.

Oh, it's all right. It was a stupid idea anyway.

I went and got Mum a proper cake.

I nipped out when you and Pat were in the kitchen.

Ah, so you missed all the drama, then?

Why, what's been happening?

Oh, nothing, just your sister acting up again.

- Mum. - Mmm?

I really need to speak to you.

WhY, What's going on?

(coucamwe)

Nana? She's choking!

Mother, what... What have you given her?

Gin and tonic.

It's the ice.

If she's choking on one of your willies...

Come on, Mother...

It's spiders. I put spiders in them, look.

Bloody idiot! Call an ambulance!

Nana.

Katie, your Auntie Carol's a little bit drunk, don't pay her any mind.

- What? - Where's my phone? Where's my phone?

Patrick! What have you done with this bloody soap?

Please, Katie, your mother wouldn't understand.

Come on, Mother, cough it up!

That'll be the ambulance. Go on, Katie, let them in.

We didn't call an ambulance...

You all right? Don't leave me, don't you leave me.

Please! We need help! Please!

Right, which one of you's Maggie?

- Here. -(COUGHING)

Right, stand back everyone.

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Pat, is this you?

Happy birthday, Maggie.

Oh, well, what a day.

I don't know what you're going to do for my 80th.

Yes, we'll have to see.

I'm going to keep this spider.

My lucky charm.

Where did our Angela get to?

She's upstairs with Katie. I don't know what they're talking about.

Do you think Pat'll be all right?

Yeah.

He's got Carol to look after him.

Yeah, they're a grand couple, aren't they?

Nice of him to have booked that lad for me,

he said he wasn't going to get me a present.

Oh, that reminds me.

I didn't read his card to you, did I?

Listen to this,

"Forget about the past, you can't change it.

"Forget about the future, you can't predict it.

"Forget about the present,

"I didn't get you one."

Isn't that a scream?