Original subtitles

(SHRIEKS)

What's going on? Who are you?

Oh, for God's sake! You scared the living crap out of me then!

- Jesus! - You all right?

Oh, I just need to sit down for a second.

Oh, shit!

- Oh! - Sorry, I didn't mean to startle you.

That's all right.

Oh, you've haven't got a towel, have you?

Urn, yes.

Thanks. It's wetter than a nun's cucumber out there tonight.

Thanks.

Can you, Um,

-can you put the gun down, please? -of course.

It's not loaded.

It was just a prop from a student production of The Seagull.

Can I ask what you're doing in my rooms?

I presume you didn't break in for a towel.

Well, I didn't break in.

Well, not technically.

My boyfriend told me that all professors

keep a key above their glory hole,

so I, sort of, just let myself in.

It was a stupid thing to do, I'm...

- I'm so sorry. - And you are?

Nina.

Nina Noonah.

Nina Noonah.

Well, not really, obviously,

but I don't wanna get in any trouble.

You're not gonna call the police, are you?

It's all right, Miss Noonah, my bark is worse than my bite.

Just tell me why you're here.

It's just Simon, my boyfriend,

he studies at King's College

and he's properly clever.

He's got a bike and scarf

and all the Harry Potter shit

and he's sort of obsessed with doing the crossword.

And I don't mean the quick ones you get

with a picture of Vanessa Feltz in the middle in Chat Magazine.

I mean the cryptic.

I see.

And I try to help him sometimes and I,

I look at the clues and I feel like such a div

cos I can't make head nor tale of them.

They may as well be written in Chinese.

In Mandarin, yes.

And you're a student, also?

Oh, God, no.

No. I work at Greggs.

I'm what you call, um, emotionally intelligent.

Ah, well, sadly that won't help you with the cryptic.

Sorry.

Yeah, tell me about it.

Anyway, Simon reckons you're the Sphinx or something.

Do you write the crossword in the student paper?

MAN: That's correct!

Crossword setters traditionally use

a pseudonym, a made-up name.

- What, like Nina Noonah? - Yes.

And I am known as

The Sphinx.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

It's not exactly a secret, especially here on campus.

Anyway, I just thought that if I could maybe

see the answers to this week's crossword

then I could sit with Simon and be like,

"Oh, 18 down, do you think that's

"parachute"? And he'd be like, "Yeah,

"wow, you're so clever" and...

It was only meant to be a joke. I'm really sorry.

No, no, no. I quite understand.

We all crave approbation on some level.

Tell me, what does your boyfriend study, Miss Noonah?

Architecture.

Architecture.

(SMACKS LIPS) Well, I teach.

Yeah, I know. I didn't think you were a student.

Simon says you teach classics.

Is that like Gone with the Wind

and Pretty Woman and that?

I teach wild creature without hospital building.

- Sorry, what? - I teach

wild creature

without hospital building.

- Twelve letters. - Oh,

it's a clue!

Yes. Not a very good one,

I admit, since you put me on the spot.

So, a cryptic clue always offers up two means of solution.

The beginning or the end of the sentence

gives you the definition of the word.

Much as you might get in a standard vanilla crossword.

And the rest of the clue is the word play,

if you like, which is a kind of riddle.

Like on Catchphrase?

Yes, in a manner of speaking.

So, here we have a 12-letter word meaning

"I teach" or "building".

Now here, we have the word "wild"

which is what we refer to as an anagram indicator.

It suggests the letters can bejumbled up and rearranged,

so, anything such as "upset",

-"excited", "insane"... -"Mashed-up".

- Yes, if you like. -"Wankered".

That type of thing.

It's telling us to mix up the letters.

So, if we take the words "I teach"

and "creature" and make them "wild"

we might come up with a solution.

Okay, but that's too many letters.

Yes, very good.

We're two letters over. So, we look here,

"without hospital."

Now, in terms of letters what could hospital be?

H?

Yeah, but we need two letters, remember.

If you were to have an accident,

if I'd shot you here in the dark...

What, with an empty gun? Good luck.

But if I had, you'd head straight for which department?

- A&E? - Excellent!

So, if we remove A and E

from "creature", i.e.,

"creature without hospital"

and mix it up with "I teach"

then we get an anagram of 12 letters

meaning "building" which is...

Sorry, what?

-"Architectu re!" - (TH U N DER CRACKING)

See?

Not so hard, was it?

Is that in this week's crossword then?

No, no, no. I haven't parsed it properly.

I buried the anagram indicator in the fodder, but,

it was simply an illustration.

What, Pictionary? You can draw it?

No.

No, I was...

I was just showing off.

Trying to give you some insight.

I'm sorry.

Okay, then, Professor.

Sorry I woke you.

It's Nigel.

Nina.

Night.

If you like, I can

show you the clues to tomorrow's crossword.

See if any of them make sense.

You'd teach me?

Yes.

"I teach wild creature?"

It's not quite Pygmalion, but

I can give you some pointers.

Here.

Have a look.

The answers all go in this grid.

Have a look at one across.

And I'll make us some tea.

NINA: "To wound and wander destitute.

"4' 3' 3-"

So, is this another nanagram?

Mm m, possibly.

Look for a verb or an adjective that suggests movement.

-"Wander"? - Bingo!

So, how many of these have you done?

Crosswords? Four or five hundred.

Wow!

You must have a very devious mind.

It has been said.

The Sphinx is a mythical creature

of Greek legend.

A woman's head on a lion's body.

She guarded the gates of the ancient city of Thebes,

and any traveller wishing to pass through

had first to solve her riddle.

If they failed the test she would kill them

by means of asphyxiation and then

-eat the remains. -(THUNDER CRACKING)

- No pressure then. -(TEA KETTLE WHISTLING)

She was devious and deadly,

perfect for a cryptic crossword setter.

"Down and out" meaning "destitute".

Excellent! "By Jove, she's got it!"

Well, put it up on the grid.

Is that what all the cups are for?

- Sorry? - In the cabinet.

Ah, yes, The Cambridge Cruciverbalist Club,

the CCC.

Much like the KKK only slightly less benevolent.

Oh, is this,

is this your wife?

Monica, yes.

NINA: Does she do the crossword?

NIGEL: She did. She died last year.

NINA: Oh, sorry.

- Did you have kids? - No, no.

"There is no more sombre enemy of good art

"than the pram in the hall." (CHUCKLES)

Well, you've certainly won a lot.

It's not exactly the boat race, though, is it?

How'd you mean?

Well, you can't beat someone at a crossword, can you?

I don't know, competitive solving can be quite

combative, believe me.

Blood has been spilt,

metaphorically, of course.

What's black and white and red all over?

- The Cambridge Crossword Competition. -(BOTH CHUCKLING)

Or a nun chewing a razor blade.

- Or a penguin with sunburn. -(LAUGHS)

Oh, I've got one. But it's quite rude, though.

I teach Catullus, dear, I'm hardly a prude.

What's long and hard and full of semen?

- A submarine. -(BOTH LAUGHING)

Very good.

And what's pink and hard in the mornings?

- The... - A cock?

...Financial Times crossword.

Have a look at two down.

"This cover sounds like a 50 Cent song."

Is that like a cover version?

"Sounds like" indicates a homophone.

Do you know what a homophone is?

Is it an app for gays like Grindr?

No, it's two words

which sound the same but which are spelt differently.

Like "their" and "there".

- Where? - Think of a four-letter word meaning

"to cover" which sounds like a type of song.

Beginning with W.

- Wrap! - Correct!

That's two in two minutes!

You'll be challenging for the cup before long.

And of course, one down,

Indian national product of French-Italian agreement

is simply "of" in French

followed by an Italian form of agreement,

making "Desi", a person from India.

Why do you use such difficult words?

Every word is chosen for its letters, Nina.

For example, have a look

at 18 across.

"Eighteen across.

"Tory leader on board for English flower."

So, that's a five-letter word for Tory leader.

NIGEL: Or...

English flower?

- Poppy?

- Daisy! - Don't guess,

Nina dear. Deduct,

and don't take anything for granted.

Now,

what could Tory leader be?

- Boris? - No.

Look at the word!

- NINA: T! - That's right!

The leader of Tory is T.

So, put T onto a four-letter word for "board"...

- Plank! - Yea h, four letters.

Wood. Tweed'.!

NIGEL: A board has more than one meaning, remember.

- Fed-up? - No.

Cardboard? Snowboard?

What kind of board do you pay?

The exam board!

No, rent!

- You pay to board somewhere. - Oh.

So put Tory leader "T" onto "rent"

-it gives you... -"Trent!"

- But that, that's not a flower. - Ah,

who said it was a flower?

- You did! - Ah, no.

You said flower.

What I actually wrote was

"flow-er."

Something that flows. In this instance

an English river called

the Trent.

Oh, my God, that is,

that's so clever.

I knew you were devious!

It's very satisfying, isn't it?

NIGEL: It is.

So, um, your boyfriend

is reading architecture at King's, is that correct?

- Yeah. - Is he studying under

Pugh or Fairbrother?

Uh, the first one.

And how's he getting on with old Pugh?

He likes him.

Gladys Pugh.

He likes her.

You do realise that Pugh and Fairbrother are

characters from the comedy series Hi-a'e-Hi?

I've, er, I've not seen it.

Well, lucky you.

So, Simon, if that's his real name,

isn't a student, at all.

He's a "muggle" just like you.

Why did you lie?

Cos I didn't think

you'd take me seriously otherwise.

Does he work in Greggs also?

Don't patronise me, Professor.

I only wanna learn.

Of course.

Nine across.

"Degas evacuated and bathed

"before putting big picture in bog".

Oh, for fuck's sake!

Patience, Nina dear.

Now, "Degas evacuated,"

if you evacuate something you clear it out,

so, we remove the middle letters

to leave " DS". With me?

"Bathed" is another word for swam,

so, "bathed before" means we put "swam"

in front of "DS".

And "putting big picture in".

We need to insert another word for a "big picture",

-a grand scheme, a... - Plan.

"Plan", precisely! So we put

plan between "swam" and "DS" to make

"swamplands" meaning "bog". Yes? Yes.

- Well, shouldn't it be "bogs"? - Not necessarily.

Well, cos you said it has to be precise.

Yes, it is precise. Not a word wasted.

Otherwise you'd be cheating, wouldn't you?

I never cheat. Never! (COUGHING)

Have... Have something to drink.

Let's, let's have a bash at

3 down, shall we? That should be easy.

"A disturbed setter concealed a tiny amount?

"Why, it's enough to take one's breath away."

Hmm, well,

the crossword setter is you, so,

have you concealed a tiny amount,

Mr Sphinx?

Maybe, so, it's

"A" followed by

an anagram of "Sphinx".

And "tiny amount" is

"IOTA", which is

also the ninth letter of the Greek alphabet,

which I'm sure you know, Professor Squires.

And "why?"

is a homophone of the letter "Y",

meaning

to take one's breath away.

It's rather prescient, don't you think?

I spotted it as soon as I saw the clues.

Some fairly easy ones this week, I thought.

A little bit vanilla

for King of the Cambridge Cruciverbalists.

"Dickens character undertakes to be a cabinet maker."

Well, that's obviously "Sowerberry" from Oliver Twist.

You'll be needing his services before long.

"Some smart-aleck, no wit allegedly."

"Know it all."

But you don't know it all, do you, Prof?

You didn't know, for example,

that I study Marine Biology.

And what's the porpoise of that, you might ask.

Well, for one,

I could get my hands on some tetrodotoxin

from the liver of a puffer fish.

Highly toxic,

as all the best sushi chefs know,

and if consumed,

in say, a cup of tea,

could lead to the gradual paralysis

of the internal organs, starting with the diaphragm.

Resulting in respiratory failure

and death by three down.

The asphyxiation of the Sphinx.

Simon was my brother.

He got to the final of the crossword competition

six years ago.

And he won,

he beat you fair and square!

But you challenged him on a word.

Do you remember? "Auteur", saying the first U looked more like a V.

And the committee found in your favour.

The old boys' network looking after their own

and Simon was disqualified.

Do you know what he did?

Do you, you pathetic old man?

He went to his room

and took off his belt

and hung himself.

I'm afraid that's incorrect, Miss Noonah.

Pictures can be hung, people are hanged.

He "hanged" himself is the correct conjugation

for which, of course, you have my deepest sympathy.

What the fuck? You're supposed to be dead.

On the contrary,

I am very much alive.

It's you who are dead.

Will you permit me?

Twenty-two down, "What is a frankfurter's number one bun?

"Don't start!" Well,

if we don't start "one" or "bun"

we get "neun", which is a number

if you happen to come from Frankfurt.

And twenty-three down,

"The origins of a Species

"popularised savage serpents".

Origins telling us to take the first letters of

"A species popularised savage",

giving us the serpents.

So?

So, there it is,

hiding in plain sight.

I...

...swapped...

...cups.

Very prescient as you say, but,

the individual's urge for self-preservation is a strong one.

- You bastard! - Oh, please.

No unnecessary violence.

(GAGGING)

It's me.

Yes, she is. Your services will soon be required.

That was Dr Tyler,

your personal tutor and confidant.

He's on his way over now with the vaccine.

- He told you? - Yes.

He, he wouldn't do that.

Oh, I'm afraid he felt it was his duty.

A brilliant student midway through a master's degree

in Marine Biology, but driven

by a dark desire for revenge.

You needed his expertise to extract

the poison from the po/ssan

and he came straight 'round to tell me.

We go back a long way, Tyler and I.

(GASPING)

Here, let me help you.

(WEAKLY) Oh. Why, why didn't you call the police?

- Sorry, what was that? - Why didn't you call the police?

Well, why call the police,

when we can have a little bit of fun with the crossword?

It's these kinds of challenges that keep one's mind active.

Let's have a crack at five down.

"Knocked back beer and wine,

"then put on one French undergarment."

AW thoughts? Hmm?

Well, "knocked back" is telling us

to write something in reverse.

In this instance, a type of beer, "Pils",

and a type of wine, "red".

Then, if we put on "one" in French which is "un",

we get our undergarment.

See?

"Un-der-slip."

Do young women still wear underslips, I wonder?

I always found it quite sexy,

having an extra layer to tackle.

Made the game rather more interesting.

Mmm.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

nature calls.

(noon OPENS)

(noon OPENS)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Chaflotte,

you hang on in there, okay?

Won't be long now.

Ooh, crossword.

"I hear American poet solved the riddle

"of the pseudo hotel patron."

NIGEL: The American poet is Edgar Guest,

Mr E Guest.

A riddle solved is a mystery guessed

and a pseudo hotel patron is a...

"Mystery Quest-n

Very clever.

Where have you been? You said you'd be waiting outside.

TYLER: I had to go via my office,

to pick up some things.

A bit bloody dangerous leaving me alone with a girl in this condition.

It was all I could do not to slip her one.

Oh, no, I don't think that would be appropriate.

I'm a red-blooded mammal, Tyler,

not like those bloody molluscs

you spend half your time with.

She's still breathing, I take it?

Yes.

The body can survive in this state

for up to six hours.

She can still see and feel

and hear everything, shejust

can't move.

- It's horrible. - Yes,

well, let's not feel too sorry for her.

That's what she wanted to do to me, remember?

Well, go on, then.

Sorry?

Give her the antidote.

Oh, there is no antidote.

- What? - For tetrodotoxin poisoning.

She needs her stomach pumped,

some aggressive airway management

and an intravenous drip as soon as possible

otherwise she'll be dead within half an hour.

But, but you said six hours!

Only with hospital treatment.

Shit!

Right, well, let's do it then.

TYLER: No.

There's something I want you to do first.

Is that going in this week's Varsity?

What?

- The crossword? - Yes.

But, what, what's going on?

What are you doing?

I want you to eat her.

Not all of her, of course.

Just a sliver. just enough that you can say you

devoured your victim.

Jacob, what...

Have you lost your mind?

When the Sphinx posed her riddle to the Thebans,

she strangled and ate

anyone who failed to answer correctly.

That's right, isn't it, I haven't misremembered it?

- Yes. - What was the riddle again?

I won't do this, Jacob.

"What creature walks on four legs in the morning,

"two at noon and three in the evening?"

It's like something out of a Christmas cracker

rather than a Greek tragedy, isn't it?

And, it was Oedipus who

gave the correct answer, "man".

He crawls as a baby, then walks on two legs,

before needing a stick in his old age.

A bit like you, Nigel.

So,

do you prefer leg or breast?

Right, that's it, I'm calling the police.

Oh, and tell them what exactly?

That you're the victim of a student prank?

In 25 minutes you'll have a dead girl

in your rooms in the middle of the night.

You found out who she was, she threatened you, so you killed her.

No, I'll tell them the truth.

I'll say it was an accident.

Well, then, how do you explain this?

You compiled this crossword two days ago.

It proves premeditation.

The "know it all"

received a "mystery guest"

at number "nine"

and before long

there's an "asphyxiation".

What's seven down?

"Catch a train before a poisonous bite?"

Well, "catch"

usually stands for fish, I know that much.

"A train before" could be

"puffer".

So, yeah,

"Puffer

"fish".

You even concealed the murder weapon.

I knew you wouldn't be able to resist.

This was just a bit of fun, I was trying to teach the girl!

You're publishing this in the student paper

for everyone to see. It's classic psychopathic behaviour.

Tomorrow morning, it'll be in every cubby hole in Cambridge

and on the inside back page

is your confession.

And when a "Down and out"

finds the girl "wrapped"

in her "under slip"

floating in the "swamplands".

Well, the police won't have to look very far for the culprit, will they?

- That isn't what happened! - No, but it could do.

Little drive out to the Fens, acquaint our

brilliant student with some of the marine life she loves so much.

You see, you're not in charge of this situation.

You can't fit it all neatly

into a fifteen-squared grid.

This is messy

and illogical and out of control.

This is my revenge, Nigel.

So, sit down

whilst I prepare your food.

But she's your student, for God's sake!

I think I'll take a bit off the rump.

(THUNDER RUMBLING)

Why don't you tell Nina the story?

I bet she'd like to hear it.

Keep her mind active

as her body seizes up.

Jacob and I were

students here,

almost thirty years ago.

We roomed together for a while,

and then he met Monica,

a physicist from Keble.

They were madly in love.

They were madly in love. They...

...married, they even had two children, twins.

But, Monica and I...

We began an affair.

I didn't mean for it to end up the way it did!

I was about to begin my doctorate,

which probably would have led to

a teaching post,

a room of my own, very much like this one.

But, instead, I...

...divorced my wife,

took my babies away

to bring them up by myself

in the Brecon Beacons.

Here. I haven't seasoned it.

I didn't want to take away from the...

...natural flavour.

Jacob, this is,

this is preposterous!

Eat it

or else I let the girl die

and you rot in prison.

It tastes like chicken, apparently,

but then, doesn't everything?

(GAGGING)

And so, the mighty Sphinx

consumes the flesh of his conquest.

(THUNDER CRACKING)

I always hated cryptic crosswords.

Why can't people just say what they mean rather than

trying to trick you all the time?

It's when my son started getting into them, I wasn't happy.

He became obsessed with entering the stupid

Cambridge Crossword competition.

Perhaps he thought he could

re-earn his mother's love by

beating her new husband, I don't know.

Simon was your son?

He entered the competition under a pseudonym,

you knew him as Rex.

After "Oedipus Rex", the play by Sophocles.

But you cheated him out of his victory.

But that means...

Charlotte and I, we hatched our revenge plan, didn't we?

We said we would bring down that cheating Professor Squires

if it was the last thing we did.

And it may well be,

at least for her.

- She's your daughter. - TYLER: Mmm.

It's crazy, isn't it, what the unhinged mind is capable of.

But she came here tonight to kill me,

to poison me.

That was the plan.

So, why did you tell me about it?

Just so I'd do the crossword?

Pretty much, yes, I needed leverage.

You sacrificed your only daughterjust to get at me?

Well,

that's the thing, you see.

When Simon died, there was an autopsy.

Quite a thorough investigation.

It turns out they're not my kids.

They're yours.

I always suspected that affair started

before you said it did.

Oh, God!

So, there I was.

I'd given up everything.

My wife,

my home, my job,

my entire life.

All for a lie.

So, I'm sure you understand, Nigel,

why I had to seek my revenge.

Help me get her to a hospital, please!

Oh, I think we're past that now.

You just enjoy the time you have left together.

A little present for you there, Nigel.

You know what Anton said.

"Never show a gun in act one

"if you're not going to fire it by act five."

Otherwise people feel cheated.

Isn't your middle name Hector, by the way?

Yes.

How funny.

-(GUNSHOT) -(BODY THUDS)