Original subtitles

(FIRE ENGINE WAILING)

(ADAM AND CHRISTINE LAUGHING)

CHRISTINE: Come on, put it in! ADAM: I can't, I can't do it.

CHRISTINE: Don't, you're dropping me. ADAM: Argh!

(LAUGHS) I've got it, I've got it.

ADAM: Argh! CHRISTINE: Ah...

Ah... (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHING)

Is that a proper fireman's lift?

I... I dunno. I'm, I'm not a proper fireman.

Ah, have you got something to drink?

Probably, have a look in the fridge.

(LAUGHING)

Oh, don't touch anything with "Fung" on it.

ADAM: What?

She's my flatmate. She labels everything.

ADAM: Fung? What's that, is it Chinese?

Shh, don't say her name, she might appear. (CHUCKLES)

Been in bed since 9:00.

Oh, well they have a different New Year to us, don't they?

Yeah, she won't be out till February.

Is that when it is?

Year of the dog, apparently.

Oh, I've seen worse.

'Oi! _0w!

- Sorry. (LAUGHING) -(LAUGHING)

I thought you you were, um, going home with john Lennon, anyway?

He wasn't john Lennon, he was Harry Potter.

Mmm, Harry Potter, was he?

Yeah, well, I think so.

He was just a pair of round glasses though, weren't he?

Did he show you his wand?

No, because I told him I wanted to see the fireman's pole.

I'm Adam. My name's Adam, by the way.

- (CH UCKLES) - If you're interested.

- Sorry. I'm Eve. - Really?

No, I just wanted to say that.

I'm Chrissie. (LAUGHING) Happy New Year.

Happy New Year. Where's your toilet?

- It's down the corridor. - Right.

I'm going to go and...

Uh... Unravel my hosepipe.

Oh, ho-ho. Don't have it on sprinkle.

-(BOTH LAUGHING) -(FIREMAN'S HAT BEEPING)

(PHONE RINGING)

Um.

Ooh. (LAUGHS)

- Hello? (CHUCKLES) - ADAM: H1} sexy.

Did you get my Valentine's card?

No, not yet, but the post hasn't been. Did you get mine?

Yes, probably somewhere in this pile here.

Ha-ha.

What time are you picking me up?

Uh, 7:00-ish? Do you want sex then meal or meal then sex?

Uh, how about sex, meal, sex? (GIGGLES)

That depends, is The Grudge going to be in?

Uh, I'm not sure. I'll get back to you with that information.

- Is she there? - Yes.

All right, I'll call you later. Bye-bye.

(CHUCKLES)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

Hey, Fun';-.

Good morning.

(CLEARS THROAT) What have you got on today?

I have a seminar this morning and another seminar this afternoon.

- More maths? - Mmm.

- Continuous quantity, yes. - Oh.

- Sounds complicated. (LAUGHS) - Not necessarily.

Well, it depends on your approach to measurable magnitudes.

Right.

Like, you have been going out with Adam

-for 13 months. - Mmm.

Which is one year and one month.

Now this is referred to as a portable vector...

Oh, my God, how weird.

Well, not really, it's number theory.

No...

I've been... I've been sent a Valentine's card from my ex-boyfriend.

Well, maybe he still likes you?

I haven't seen him since I was 12. I barely remember him.

"Roses are red, violets are blue. What is that smell, I need a poo."

His sense of humour hasn't changed much.

I wonder how he got my address?

Right, I need to go to my seminar.

I won't be back until 7:30 if you want to have sex with Adam.

Oh... Thank you.

Do you remember your teddy, Christine? I'll bring it along next time.

Oh, she had a lovely peachy bottom, Adam.

- Look at that. - Ah. Her lovely peachy bottom.

Yeah, Mum, stop now. You're embarrassing Adam.

No, love, I'm embarrassing you. Right, well, shall I be Mother?

Yes, why not? It is Mother's Day.

Oh. (LAUGHS) Who's that?

Yes, that was, uh, Christine's first boyfriend.

Such a shame, he died when he was just sixteen.

Did he?

Yes! He got...

(WHISPERS) Leukaemia.

Oh, she's got a memory like a sieve,

but she's done well with you, Adam.

You're smashing.

Though you could do with getting a hair cut.

- Mum! - So, when are you going to marry her?

(SNORTS)

Um...

Oh, my God.

Well, you've been courting for two years.

I was married with a daughter by then.

Yeah, well, we're not all like you, Mum. I have my career to think about.

Career? (SCOFFS)

Measuring feet in Clarks is hardly a career, Christine.

Thank you very much, Mum.

All I'm saying is your father would like to walk you down the aisle,

while he still can.

Would anybody like a biscuit?

- Yes, please. - No, thanks.

OK.

- Mum, just stop it, all right? - Look, there's nothing wrong

-with getting married. - Shh...

Your generation seems to think it's old fashioned. It's not.

- It's a commitment. - We don't even live together yet.

Exactly! That would be a start.

Look, it's not going to happen, so stop going on about it.

OK? I don't even know if Adam's really...

Chrissie? Where shall I put my (IDs?

Uh, here?

My... So much stuff.

- Yeah, there's plenty more. -(CHUCKLES)

You're not regretting it, are you?

- No. - Sure?

Fung's moved out now,

-so someone's got to pay the rent. - Ah.

- So... - So...

- Right... - Don't be long.

I've got a surprise for you when you get back.

- ADAM: Ooh. -(GIGGLES)

Well...

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(GIGGLING)

Uh!

Shit! Adam?

Adam, what are you doing?

This isn't funny, Adam.

(GAS PS)

(SIGHS)

(TEARING SOU N D)

(GAS PS)

I'm sorry.

- (GAS PI N G) - Wha't? What?

- No... Oh... Horrible dream. - Ah.

-(ALARM CLOCK BEEPING) - Oh, get the alarm would you?

Yeah.

Oh, come on, darling. You're gonna be late for work.

- It's bank holiday, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.

But I'll have a cup of tea now you're up.

(GIGGLES) 0l

Ooh. What shall we do today?

Um, insert groove dowel-pins into B1 and B2.

I thought... I don't know what they are.

(MUMBLING) They look like that, they look like little maggots.

Right, um...

-(SIGHS) -ol

Uh...

Then what?

Align sliding panel AB alongside bar EF.

We've already done that.

OK. Insert rod into top pole until base connects.

(PANTING) Isn't that what got us into this mess in the first place?

- (CRYING) _ I-| ey, hey, hey.

Hey, don't cry. What... What are you worried about?

(SOBBING) I don't know, I just...

What?

I don't want the baby to spoil everything.

Well, it's not going to do that.

How would it do that?

(BABY WAILING)

- No. - No...

(CHUCKLES)

ADAM: (OVER MONITOR) Hey. Hey, hey, hey. (SHUSHING)

What's this noise? What's all this noise?

# Time to say goodbye #

(VOCALISING)

MAN: Come on, little man.

Let's get you out of there...

jack! Adam? Adam!

Someone's taken jack!

-(GASPING) - What are you doing?

Wha... I heard somebody talking.

Yeah. Yeah, it was me.

- I know... - I'm trying to get him to sleep.

- It wasn't you. I... - Shh. Calm down, calm down.

- You'll set him off again. -(SOBS)

Hey, come on. Hey... Oh, there we go.

All right? You're just over-tired.

- Come with me. -(CRYING)

MARION: Open your eyes!

ALL: Surprise!

-(MARION LAUGHING) - One big puff.

Oh.

-(CHUCKLES) - Ah! Happy birthday!

Thank you.

Oh, my God. Hi, Dad!

Oh, he's been so excited all week. Haven't you, Ernie?

Well, he did know he was coming,

but I think it's gone again.

I shouldn't have brought him, really.

No, I'm glad he's here.

He wouldn't want you to remember him like this.

Happy birthday, dear. Bet you can't guess what these are.

But they didn't have them in my size.

Well, someone rang Ipswich and got them DHL'd.

Oh, my God, you shouldn't have!

Aw, thank you so much!

Two words, "staff discount".

(LAUGHS)

Where's Adam?

I don't know actually. Mum, where's Adam?

I'm not sure. He said he'd be here.

Hi, darling. Happy birthday!

Ah, hi, Zara.

Happy birthday, Chrissie. You look...fab.

Ah, I don't, but thanks anyway.

No, I'm sure you've lost a bit. Yeah, turn round.

Yeah, you definitely have.

It's only baby fat. It'll be gone soon enough.

Well, he's hardly a baby. He's two now.

Where is he?

Uh, he'sjust having a nap. How was your work do?

Yeah, we... Well, we popped our heads in, didn't we?

Yeah.

Just to schmooze a few clients. (LAUGHS)

- Hi, Bobby. - Hi, Adam.

- Um... - Ah, this is Zara.

- She's just started under me. - Mmm, has she?

- Adam. My dad's here. - Yeah.

- Go and say hello. - Yeah, I'll.just get some drinks first.

Right, then, come on, Chrissie.

- It's that time. - No, Mum, please.

- No, no, it's tradition. - No, I...

Every birthday since she was six, we've played Blind Man's Buff (GIGGLES)

- No, not every birthday. - Yes, we have.

Though last year, it was more Blind Drunk Buff. (GIGGLES)

- Excuse me, I wasn't there. - She said "buff", not "puff".

Oh, she's always enjoyed party games, haven't you, love?

Now, the first person you catch

can give you your main present.

- Now, you come and spin her, Bobby. - Oh, my pleasure.

One, two, three, and off you go.

Ow! (CHUCKLES)

(SCREAMS)

Dad, sorry, sorry, sorry! Sorry, sorry.

(CHUCKLES)

(DISTANT ROCKING SOU N D)

Oh.

(PANTING)

I can't get the case to close. You're gonna have to take something out.

Well, you always pack the cases.

Uh, look, you don't need these shoes, do you?

No, they're my birthday shoes that

Bobby got me last year. I've barely worn those.

Well, we can't take all of these toys, then.

No, no, he won't sleep without them.

Well, just make him choose one.

- You're too soft on him. - It's his holiday, too.

- It wasn't meant to be... - Don't start.

It was supposed to bejust me and you.

A chance to get away from this miserable flat for a while.

- Well, I'm very sorry that my dad died. - Oh.

I couldn't get my mum to take him now, could I?

- I'm not saying that. - Then what are you saying?

I just wanted it to be fun, like it used to be.

Well, that's just life, Adam.

We're doing what other people do.

- We're going on holiday as a family. - Yeah?

Well, I can't fucking wait. Get the passports.

(GAS PS)

- CH RISTIN E: What day is it today, jack? - The first of September.

- And what's happening today? - I've got school.

Right. Come on, then.

Grandma's going to walk you down.

I want you to take me.

Um, I can't darling, Mummy's got to work.

But I'll be there when you finish, OK?

You are gonna have a brilliant day. I am so, so proud of you.

Ah, right.

Now, come on, don't let's be late for our first day.

All right. Come on. Are you going to show me the way?

Uh, yeah, now, come on, then.

Let's go and find this lovely new school.

This is gonna be fun.

Yes...

(EXHALES)

(SNIFFLES)

(CLEARS TH ROAT)

(CRYING)

Come on, Chrissie, don't upset yourself.

I just didn't...

I didn't think it would turn out like this.

Well, I never thought I'd end up

walking into the garden centre and peeing on the hydrangeas,

but there you go.

But you weren't well, it wasn't your fault.

And this isn't yours, darling girl.

Isn't it?

- Adam's left me, Jack's left me. - Only till 3:00.

I know but I'm, uh, 32, divorced

and working in a shoe shop with my gay best friend.

It's hardly the Cinderella story, is it?

Hey, come on, enough of that nonsense.

It's Jack's first day at school.

This is meant to be a happy memory.

I'm sorry, Dad, it just doesn't feel like that.

(DOORBELL RINGING)

Bobby, can you get that?

I can't. I'm putting my contacts in.

Oh... Oh!

Hi.

ADAM". It's me, can you buzz me in?

You're late.

Thanks.

Come on, Bobby. Come on, Adam's arrived.

- You ready? - What'd you think?

Are those the contacts or just your eyes?

- Contacts. - That's good.

What are you, a zombie waiter?

Oh, piss off, Chrissie! I'm meant to be a vampire!

All right!

Right, well, I'm turning it into a werewolf.

- I've got teeth here somewhere. -(CHUCKLES)

So, is your new fella gonna be there?

He's not my new fella. Be quiet.

You want him to be, though, don't you?

I've only seen his picture on a website.

It's fancy dress. How are you gonna know it's him?

He's going to have an alien bursting out of his chest.

And, uh, did you just say you're going as yourself?

- Ha-ha. -(DOOR CLOSES)

Jack's in his bedroom.

You got some explaining to do.

(DOOR SLAMS)

Do I look hairy enough?

- You look like Tony the Tiger. - Oh.

- Come here. I'll turn it into a cobweb. - Mmm.

Do you remember when I first moved in here

-ten years ago? - Mmm.

And I was living with that, what was her name, Fung?

Oh, my God, The Grudge. That would have been a good one.

(BOTH GIGGLE)

Do you remember we said that if neither of us met someone

in 10 years, we'd get married to each other?

Ah, you're not that desperate, are you, babe?

No, I was thinking, you know, it's funny how things turn out.

Ah...

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

Oh, trick or treaters.

Go on, give 'em a scare.

- Grr. -(LAUGHS)

You could have told me the lift was broken. I'm knackered!

(PANTING)

166k? jack!

I've got him, I've got him.

I've got him, but...

No, just get back here as quickly as you can, will ya?

OK, thanks.

Here you go, darling. Here...

Keep it there, OK? It's gonna sting a little bit

but just keep it under there. I'm just gonna ring Daddy.

- ADAM: Hello? -jack's had an accident.

What?

He's all right, but he's burnt his hand on a sparkler.

Ah, OK, OK. Um, well...

Can you just come round, please? I need you.

-0l(, I'm on my way. - Thanks. He's probably fine I'm just...

I'm overreacting. I've seen too many public information films.

- Oh, Christine. - He's in the bathroom.

My mum's here now anyway, so...

I'll be there in five minutes, OK?

-0 K. - Hang on...

I love you.

Mum! Mum, is he all right?

Yes, yes, he's fine.

There's not a mark on him. Look.

But, no, he was crying.

Well, you probably frightened him. jack. jack, go and watch the fireworks.

You can see them out of your window.

I saw him pick up a sparkler, he burnt his hand.

- I saw it. - But he can't have.

There's nothing wrong with him.

You did when you were his age.

Burnt right through your mittens. Do you remember?

Well, maybe you were thinking of that?

Let me get you a cup of tea.

I don't know what's wrong with me, Mum. I'm getting everything jumbled up.

Well, put your hat on, then.

What?

Put your hat on. Oh, that's better.

Right, why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

- Oh... - They always drop their needles.

-(LAUGHS) - Terrible.

Well, you never did have a sense of humour, did you, Ernie?

Oh, I don't know, I married you, didn't I?

(LAUGHS)

Dad, are you all right?

Yeah, yeah, I'm tickety-boo.

I had to be here for this, didn't I?

I wouldn't have missed it for the world.

Ah, are you all right, love?

Well done and all this, it looks gorgeous. just like you.

Well, I did the Brussels sprouts.

Yes and we'll be hearing from them later.

(ALL LAUGHING)

Where's jack?

Uh, he's just getting his outfit on for the nativity.

Aw, bless him.

Adam, are we back together?

Yeah. Course. You remember bonfire night last year?

- I think it's time for the present. - Oh!

No, I don't want the present.

Yeah, come on!

(LAUGHING)

This is from all of us.

We all contributed.

I hope you like it.

Oh, no. Is that me? (CHUCKLES)

- Yes! - Ah.

MARION: Ah.

Oh, gosh!

(CHUCKLES) Oh!

Oh, the cot! Do you remember that? We couldn't put it up, could we?

- Yeah, it took us three days. -(LAUGHING)

- Ah, look at... - Tony Tiger.

(LAUGHTER)

This is amazing. You've got everything.

(LAUGHS)

This is like my whole life is flashing...

(SNIFFLES)

(SIGHS)

Oh, I think I know what this is now.

(CARS CRASHING)

(FIRE ENGINE WAILING)

(CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

(CUTTING TOOL WHIRRING))

OK, Fire Brigade. Can you hear me?

(IN DISTINCT DISTORTED SPEECH)

CH RISTIN E: I don't know what's wrong with me, Mum.

I'm getting everything jumbled up.

MARION: She "s got a memory like a sieve.

He wouldn't want you to remember him like this.

CHRXSTXNE". Well, that's just life, Adam.

ERNIE: This is supposed to be a happy memory.

jack... Mummy's going now.

Oh, no, I don't want to.

It's my fault. I just stepped out into the road. I wasn't looking.

Um, I managed to get the kid out but I couldn't get to her.

Sorry...

Come on, jack.

It's time, Christine.

Goodbye, everyone.

I love you.