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1
00:00:46,600 --> 00:00:47,726
(JINGLES)
2
00:00:51,640 --> 00:00:55,281
HIVES: This way, please.
Thank you for being prompt.
3
00:00:55,640 --> 00:00:58,405
Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.
4
00:00:58,480 --> 00:01:02,246
- Thanks. Sorry.
- Erm, what is it you do, if I may ask?
5
00:01:02,520 --> 00:01:03,646
I work in a phone shop.
6
00:01:03,720 --> 00:01:06,564
Ah, from one line of
communication to another.
7
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HIVES: Er, may I ask,
have you ever made contact before?
8
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At the phone shop?
9
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Through mediumship.
10
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Oh, sorry. I'm a bit nervous.
11
00:01:18,040 --> 00:01:21,169
No, my sister recommended Miss...
Madam Talbot,
12
00:01:21,240 --> 00:01:23,322
but I've never been to anything
like this before.
13
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Let me take your coat.
14
00:01:25,680 --> 00:01:28,206
Would you care for a glass of water?
15
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No, I'm fine, thank you.
16
00:01:30,520 --> 00:01:31,965
Please take a seat.
17
00:01:32,040 --> 00:01:36,011
May I request if you do have a mobile
telephone, you switch it off now.
18
00:01:36,080 --> 00:01:39,323
And I will tell Madam Talbot
that you're ready.
19
00:02:01,320 --> 00:02:03,607
(MUSIC BOX PLAYING)
20
00:02:06,920 --> 00:02:08,763
(LIGHTS FLICKERING)
21
00:02:10,520 --> 00:02:11,851
(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)
22
00:02:19,160 --> 00:02:20,491
(BUZZING)
23
00:02:25,040 --> 00:02:27,520
Tina, please, may you stand?
24
00:02:28,080 --> 00:02:29,366
Yes, sorry.
25
00:02:31,240 --> 00:02:34,403
May I present Madam Talbot.
26
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(BREATHING HEAVILY)
27
00:03:03,800 --> 00:03:05,006
You may be seated.
28
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:20,487
(IN EERIE VOICE)
Why have you come here, my child?
29
00:03:21,360 --> 00:03:23,601
My sister saw you
after she lost her husband.
30
00:03:23,840 --> 00:03:26,241
I haven't actually lost
anyone recently, but...
31
00:03:26,320 --> 00:03:28,288
I understand.
32
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The curious are often drawn here,
33
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for a glimpse of Summerland.
34
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What's Summerland?
35
00:03:38,080 --> 00:03:40,651
Good question.
It means the Astral plane.
36
00:03:41,120 --> 00:03:44,841
Let us see who may be
waiting for you there.
37
00:03:45,880 --> 00:03:49,487
Hives, Mary is sleeping now.
38
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(WINDING)
39
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(PLAYING HYMN)
40
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All is ready.
41
00:04:39,840 --> 00:04:40,921
(TINA GASPS)
42
00:04:48,360 --> 00:04:50,488
Let us link hands.
43
00:04:53,760 --> 00:04:55,569
Sorry, sweaty palms.
44
00:04:58,880 --> 00:05:01,611
Now let us bow our heads
in meditation and prayer.
45
00:05:01,680 --> 00:05:03,409
(MADAM TALBOT GROANING)
46
00:05:04,720 --> 00:05:07,121
If there are indeed
any Astrals here today...
47
00:05:07,240 --> 00:05:08,241
(MOANING)
48
00:05:08,320 --> 00:05:10,641
HIVES: ...please let yourselves
be known to us.
49
00:05:14,320 --> 00:05:15,560
-($HRIEl 00:05:19,208
Do not break the circle, Tina.
51
00:05:19,280 --> 00:05:20,645
The circle is our protection.
52
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Oh!
53
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(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Who calls?
54
00:05:28,560 --> 00:05:31,291
HIVES: Please indulge us here
on this earthly plane.
55
00:05:31,920 --> 00:05:33,160
May we ask your name?
56
00:05:33,840 --> 00:05:35,888
(HOWLING DEMONICALLY)
57
00:05:37,200 --> 00:05:38,804
Oh, God! I don't like it!
58
00:05:40,120 --> 00:05:42,726
Keep looking, Tina. What is your name?
59
00:05:43,480 --> 00:05:45,608
Is there anyone amongst us here
known to you?
60
00:05:46,160 --> 00:05:47,685
Tina!
61
00:05:48,600 --> 00:05:49,806
Oh, shit!
62
00:05:49,880 --> 00:05:52,167
Talk to it, Tina. Ask it who it is.
63
00:05:54,080 --> 00:05:55,650
- I don't want to.
- You must!
64
00:05:55,720 --> 00:05:56,926
Who are you?
65
00:05:57,320 --> 00:05:58,810
(RECORD SKIPPING)
66
00:06:00,160 --> 00:06:01,366
(BABY CRYING)
67
00:06:04,440 --> 00:06:09,651
I am in pain, Tina! Help me!
68
00:06:09,720 --> 00:06:11,563
What do you want me to do?
69
00:06:12,240 --> 00:06:15,369
I will come to you...
70
00:06:15,440 --> 00:06:16,805
Oh, don't like it! I don't like it!
71
00:06:18,080 --> 00:06:20,924
- I'm here!
- No!
72
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:22,001
Tina!
73
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(SCREAMING)
74
00:06:23,920 --> 00:06:25,729
Do not break the circle, Tina!
75
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(CONTINUES SCREAMING)
76
00:06:29,160 --> 00:06:30,650
(BABY CRYING)
77
00:06:34,800 --> 00:06:36,325
Tina, you have to stop it!
78
00:06:36,400 --> 00:06:37,401
I can't!
79
00:06:39,280 --> 00:06:40,566
You have to!
80
00:06:41,120 --> 00:06:42,565
I don't know how!
81
00:06:44,040 --> 00:06:45,405
There's only one way!
82
00:06:45,640 --> 00:06:46,721
H Ow?
83
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By smiling at the camera and saying,
"Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam"!
84
00:06:52,840 --> 00:06:54,080
What?
85
00:07:01,280 --> 00:07:02,486
Oh, my God. It's you.
86
00:07:02,560 --> 00:07:04,608
That's right. Look through there.
87
00:07:07,680 --> 00:07:09,205
Give us a wave
88
00:07:10,280 --> 00:07:12,760
and say "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam“.!
89
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:14,410
I used to be such a massive fan.
I can't believe...
90
00:07:14,480 --> 00:07:15,606
Just say it!
91
00:07:17,680 --> 00:07:20,206
"Hi, my name's Tina
and I'm on Scaredy Cam“.!
92
00:07:20,880 --> 00:07:22,120
All right, we got that, Terry, thanks.
93
00:07:23,520 --> 00:07:25,841
John, did you hear we
had a "shit" at 10:02?
94
00:07:25,920 --> 00:07:27,490
Do you think we can get away with that?
95
00:07:27,880 --> 00:07:28,961
A "shit" for two "bloody's".
96
00:07:29,400 --> 00:07:30,481
Seems fair enough...
97
00:07:30,840 --> 00:07:32,001
(CHUCKLES) Thank you.
98
00:07:33,200 --> 00:07:35,043
Right. Oh...
99
00:07:35,480 --> 00:07:36,766
GEMMA: (ON INTERCOM)
Terry, while you're there,
100
00:07:36,840 --> 00:07:38,444
can I get you to do the link
into part two please?
101
00:07:38,520 --> 00:07:40,249
Yeah, could I get a cold Diet Coke
please, Gemma?
102
00:07:40,320 --> 00:07:41,321
Sure.
103
00:07:41,400 --> 00:07:43,243
Yeah, I'd like a Diet Coke
as well please, Gemma.
104
00:07:43,600 --> 00:07:45,489
So, am I actually going to be on telly?
105
00:07:45,560 --> 00:07:46,641
Yeah, you'll be part of a montage.
106
00:07:46,720 --> 00:07:48,290
We do it a few times
to get the best reactions.
107
00:07:48,360 --> 00:07:50,840
Brilliant, cos I thought
they cancelled it.
108
00:07:50,920 --> 00:07:52,160
They did, but it's back now.
109
00:07:52,240 --> 00:07:53,571
On ITV?
110
00:07:53,640 --> 00:07:55,324
No. I'm ready.
111
00:07:55,800 --> 00:07:57,006
GEMMA". Yeah, we're rolling.
112
00:07:57,080 --> 00:08:00,448
So, join us after the break and we'll be
counting down our top 10 terrors...
113
00:08:00,560 --> 00:08:03,803
And we reveal which prank
you voted as our funniest-ever fright.
114
00:08:03,880 --> 00:08:05,325
Don't you dare go away!
115
00:08:05,600 --> 00:08:07,682
Could you not move around
when I'm recording, please?
116
00:08:08,240 --> 00:08:09,765
Incredibly distracting.
117
00:08:10,440 --> 00:08:13,410
And there was a bear on the records.
Can someone shift it before we go again?
118
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(SIGHS)
119
00:08:14,000 --> 00:08:14,523
(SIGHS)
120
00:08:14,600 --> 00:08:17,171
I'll need to do checks on Anne
before we go again.
121
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:19,971
And the little... What is his name?
122
00:08:20,040 --> 00:08:22,247
Erm, I'm not sure.
123
00:08:23,400 --> 00:08:27,246
My favourite one was with you
as the gorilla and there was a child...
124
00:08:27,320 --> 00:08:29,243
Yes, I know. I was there, I did it.
125
00:08:29,320 --> 00:08:30,321
Gemma, could you...
126
00:08:30,400 --> 00:08:33,244
Oh, yes, sorry. Tina, do you want
to come through with me?
127
00:08:33,320 --> 00:08:34,765
Just get you to sign some release forms.
128
00:08:34,840 --> 00:08:37,127
Can I get a water please, Gemma?
I'm parched.
129
00:08:37,200 --> 00:08:38,201
Sure.
130
00:08:38,280 --> 00:08:39,441
ANNE: (IN NORMAL VOICE) Terry, darling,
131
00:08:39,520 --> 00:08:42,285
could you leave more
of a gap before coming in with the,
132
00:08:42,360 --> 00:08:44,761
"Let us bow our heads
in meditation and prayer" bit.
133
00:08:44,840 --> 00:08:47,525
I wanted to get on with
the heavy breathing trancy stuff
134
00:08:47,600 --> 00:08:50,206
and I just felt it all
got a bit trampled over.
135
00:08:50,280 --> 00:08:51,327
Yes, Anne, no problem.
136
00:08:51,400 --> 00:08:54,290
It's only a beat, but I think it's
more dramatic, don't you?
137
00:08:54,680 --> 00:08:55,727
Absolutely.
138
00:08:56,200 --> 00:08:58,646
(MUTTERING) It's a hidden-camera show,
not the fucking National Theatre.
139
00:08:58,720 --> 00:09:01,041
And could someone
bring me a footstool, please?
140
00:09:01,120 --> 00:09:03,282
My ankles are swelling.
141
00:09:05,280 --> 00:09:08,727
Could you try doing it without
maybe sweating quite so much?
142
00:09:08,800 --> 00:09:10,404
Well, it's very hot in there.
143
00:09:10,480 --> 00:09:12,608
I don't know why
I have to be blue, anyway.
144
00:09:12,680 --> 00:09:14,205
It's just in the script, wasn't it?
145
00:09:14,760 --> 00:09:16,762
Blue Demon Dwarf. How's the nails?
146
00:09:17,240 --> 00:09:19,641
Lost one. Said I would, didn't I?
Always happens.
147
00:09:20,280 --> 00:09:23,090
Well, we'll have to find it,
cos they're specially made.
148
00:09:24,000 --> 00:09:27,288
So, erm, do you play a lot of demons?
149
00:09:27,360 --> 00:09:28,691
No, why'd you say that?
150
00:09:29,560 --> 00:09:31,085
Well, anyway, a part's a part, isn't it?
151
00:09:31,160 --> 00:09:32,400
Doesn't matter if you're...
152
00:09:32,480 --> 00:09:35,165
Dick Whittington's Cat in Darlington
for three months or Hamlet.
153
00:09:35,680 --> 00:09:36,966
Have you played Hamlet?
154
00:09:37,320 --> 00:09:39,209
No. Love to.
155
00:09:39,280 --> 00:09:40,805
- AN N E: Amanda, sweetie?
- Yea h?
156
00:09:40,880 --> 00:09:43,406
I need these contacts out
before we go again.
157
00:09:43,480 --> 00:09:46,211
I can't have red eyes,
I'm on stage tonight.
158
00:09:46,280 --> 00:09:48,521
Yes, sorry, Anne.
I'll go and fetch the solution.
159
00:09:48,600 --> 00:09:49,886
Keep pressing on that.
160
00:09:52,840 --> 00:09:53,841
(SIGHING)
161
00:09:56,280 --> 00:09:59,762
So, are you treading the boards
at the moment, Anne?
162
00:10:00,520 --> 00:10:01,885
Yes.
163
00:10:03,360 --> 00:10:04,646
AnYthiflg good?
164
00:10:04,720 --> 00:10:06,529
Not really. Director's useless.
165
00:10:06,640 --> 00:10:07,926
Mmm, what's wrong?
166
00:10:08,320 --> 00:10:10,084
He's a drunk, darling, shits the bed.
167
00:10:11,280 --> 00:10:12,281
Right.
168
00:10:13,360 --> 00:10:16,603
We had a tricky director
on Wh/tt/ngton, actually.
169
00:10:16,720 --> 00:10:20,008
Yeah, he sort of came from
more of a physical theatre background
170
00:10:20,280 --> 00:10:21,520
and so made me do lots of character...
171
00:10:21,600 --> 00:10:23,807
ACTOR: ...work about the cats
but I'm allergic so...
172
00:10:23,920 --> 00:10:26,048
Gemma, could you put the warm prop
back in its box, please?
173
00:10:26,120 --> 00:10:28,407
It's pissing Anne off and I'll be
getting calls from her agent again.
174
00:10:28,600 --> 00:10:29,965
Er, sure, one second.
175
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:32,646
I don't know why I keep booking dwarves,
they're always a pain in the arse.
176
00:10:32,720 --> 00:10:34,927
Er, I don't think he's a dwarf, is he?
177
00:10:35,000 --> 00:10:36,331
Course he is. Look at him.
178
00:10:36,400 --> 00:10:37,890
How did that last one look, anyway?
Was it all right?
179
00:10:37,960 --> 00:10:39,291
Yeah, good. It was funny.
180
00:10:39,360 --> 00:10:41,124
- Funny?
- Er, and scary.
181
00:10:41,800 --> 00:10:43,290
That girl was a bit dead-eyed,
wasn't she?
182
00:10:43,360 --> 00:10:45,124
I've seen road-kill
with better reactions.
183
00:10:47,960 --> 00:10:51,203
Sorry, would it be possible
to get your autograph?
184
00:10:51,760 --> 00:10:53,842
Yeah, course. No problem.
What's your name?
185
00:10:53,920 --> 00:10:54,921
Tina.
186
00:10:55,320 --> 00:10:57,129
Erm, Terry, with this top 10 thing,
187
00:10:57,200 --> 00:10:58,884
do you still want
the scarecrow one at number one?
188
00:10:58,960 --> 00:11:00,610
Yes, please. There you go.
189
00:11:00,680 --> 00:11:03,604
Because I've been looking online
and people seem to love the gorilla one.
190
00:11:03,680 --> 00:11:06,889
Yeah, that's my favourite.
With the little boy. It was so funny.
191
00:11:06,960 --> 00:11:08,291
No, I don't want
that one in the top 10.
192
00:11:08,360 --> 00:11:09,486
When he wet himself.
193
00:11:09,560 --> 00:11:11,449
Yeah, well it was live TV.
We couldn't do anything about that.
194
00:11:11,520 --> 00:11:13,966
Well, cos I was thinking, we could
track the boy down, get him back...
195
00:11:14,040 --> 00:11:15,166
No! It's a public vote.
196
00:11:15,240 --> 00:11:16,651
Just stick to the one I chose, OK?
197
00:11:17,320 --> 00:11:19,721
I'll get my own Diet Coke then, shall I?
198
00:11:23,360 --> 00:11:25,408
He comes over much nicer on the telly.
199
00:11:25,520 --> 00:11:26,726
It's all done in the edit.
200
00:11:27,360 --> 00:11:29,567
Ah, oh, thank you, sweetie.
201
00:11:29,760 --> 00:11:32,331
And could I have a tissue, please?
I need to blow my nose.
202
00:11:32,440 --> 00:11:35,683
I don't know why, but wearing contacts
always makes me snotty.
203
00:11:35,760 --> 00:11:37,649
I have that when I eat a curry.
204
00:11:37,760 --> 00:11:39,569
GEMMA: Anne, could I get you
to step off for a little bit?
205
00:11:39,640 --> 00:11:41,802
The FX team needs
to look at your ectoplasm pipe.
206
00:11:41,880 --> 00:11:43,609
Yeah, there's an offer you can't refuse.
207
00:11:43,680 --> 00:11:45,762
No, I just need five minutes
without being fiddled with.
208
00:11:45,840 --> 00:11:48,650
I've got a performance
of Hedda Gablertonight
209
00:11:48,960 --> 00:11:51,281
and I'm not doing it
looking like Christopher Lee.
210
00:11:51,560 --> 00:11:53,767
Did you want a chair
to rest your ankles on, Anne?
211
00:11:53,840 --> 00:11:55,683
No, thank you, I'm not an invalid.
212
00:11:55,760 --> 00:11:57,922
GEMMA: Erm, right, can we get you
into position, please, erm...
213
00:11:59,040 --> 00:12:00,451
Mr Demon. (CHUCKLES)
214
00:12:00,520 --> 00:12:02,841
Can I have some water first?
It's so hot in there.
215
00:12:02,920 --> 00:12:05,924
It's stifling, Gemma.
We need air-con units,
216
00:12:06,000 --> 00:12:07,161
I said this last week.
217
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:09,163
You would not have cattle in this heat.
218
00:12:09,240 --> 00:12:10,241
It is warm.
219
00:12:10,320 --> 00:12:14,166
I'm serious. You would not be allowed
to keep cattle in this heat,
220
00:12:14,240 --> 00:12:15,526
but actors... It's fine.
221
00:12:15,600 --> 00:12:17,045
Amanda, could you get
the artists some water?
222
00:12:17,120 --> 00:12:19,566
GEMMA: OK, so can we get you...
ACTOR: Terry, can I ask you something?
223
00:12:19,640 --> 00:12:22,610
- Yes.
- In the original script I got sent,
224
00:12:22,680 --> 00:12:25,604
it said the character
was "Spirit of Little Boy".
225
00:12:25,680 --> 00:12:26,886
Yes. We changed it.
226
00:12:27,560 --> 00:12:28,891
Can I ask why?
227
00:12:29,600 --> 00:12:31,648
Because "Blue Demon Dwarf" is scarier.
228
00:12:31,720 --> 00:12:35,645
But will it be in the credits
as "Dwarf", because obviously...
229
00:12:36,920 --> 00:12:38,888
- What?
- I'm not a dwarf.
230
00:12:40,560 --> 00:12:42,449
- Right.
- Did you think I was?
231
00:12:42,960 --> 00:12:44,166
No, course not.
232
00:12:44,600 --> 00:12:46,728
Because I never would have taken
the role if I'd known
233
00:12:46,800 --> 00:12:48,768
it was all gonna be scary dwarf acting.
234
00:12:49,120 --> 00:12:50,804
So what kind of acting
do you normally do?
235
00:12:51,240 --> 00:12:52,401
A variety, you know.
236
00:12:52,480 --> 00:12:55,529
Like I did a short film a few years ago,
where I played this guy in a park
237
00:12:55,600 --> 00:12:57,762
who meets this
really gorgeous girl with a dog.
238
00:12:57,840 --> 00:12:59,251
And the dog keeps looking at me...
239
00:12:59,320 --> 00:13:01,368
Yeah, one second and
I do want to hear this... Gemma!
240
00:13:01,440 --> 00:13:03,727
Could you just tell me I've got to go
and put my moustache back on?
241
00:13:03,840 --> 00:13:06,047
I don't want to get trapped with that,
I can't bear it, OK?
242
00:13:07,040 --> 00:13:08,963
Terry, you've got to go
and put your moustache on.
243
00:13:09,040 --> 00:13:10,724
Oh, OK. Will do. Sorry.
244
00:13:12,760 --> 00:13:13,921
CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy!
245
00:13:16,120 --> 00:13:18,930
Will someone mop up that water, please?
That's how accidents happen.
246
00:13:20,040 --> 00:13:22,646
Erm, I really do need you back
in your hutch, I'm afraid.
247
00:13:22,720 --> 00:13:24,802
Hutch? I'm not a gerbil!
248
00:13:24,880 --> 00:13:26,041
Carl, all good?
249
00:13:26,120 --> 00:13:27,406
Who wanted water?
250
00:13:27,480 --> 00:13:29,482
ACTOR: Me!
ANNE: Er, me, please!
251
00:13:29,920 --> 00:13:31,763
Oh, yeah, Terry said we needed a mop.
252
00:13:33,800 --> 00:13:35,040
Oh, never mind.
253
00:13:35,120 --> 00:13:37,600
Um, can we get Anne's contacts back in
as soon as possible, please?
254
00:13:38,920 --> 00:13:41,127
There's too much fiddling on this.
255
00:13:41,200 --> 00:13:42,770
I was in and out of a coma
256
00:13:42,840 --> 00:13:45,571
for a BBC thing and
it could have been a nightmare,
257
00:13:45,640 --> 00:13:48,325
but it wasn't,
because the prop guys were fantastic.
258
00:13:48,720 --> 00:13:50,529
Can we check the lights?
259
00:13:58,840 --> 00:14:00,808
ACTOR: Did my water come?
260
00:14:03,720 --> 00:14:05,245
PROP GUY: (WHISPERING) Sorry!
261
00:14:15,040 --> 00:14:17,407
OK, roll cameras
and good luck, studio.
262
00:14:21,720 --> 00:14:24,724
TERRY: This way, please.
Thank you for being prompt.
263
00:14:24,800 --> 00:14:27,280
Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.
264
00:14:27,760 --> 00:14:29,125
What is it you do, if I may ask?
265
00:14:29,200 --> 00:14:31,646
PETE: I'm really sorry, I think I've
stood in some dog shit.
266
00:14:31,720 --> 00:14:32,926
- Er, oh...
- Have a look.
267
00:14:33,000 --> 00:14:34,206
You got a tissue or something?
268
00:14:34,280 --> 00:14:36,442
- Um...
- It's everywhere. Fucking hell!
269
00:14:36,520 --> 00:14:38,602
No, please, let me take your shoe.
270
00:14:39,080 --> 00:14:40,206
Sorry about this.
271
00:14:41,200 --> 00:14:42,406
Meant to be lucky, innit?
272
00:14:42,480 --> 00:14:43,766
Or is that just if a bird shits on ya?
273
00:14:43,840 --> 00:14:45,569
Yeah, it's just birds, I think. Yes.
274
00:14:45,640 --> 00:14:47,369
Mate of mine was going
out with this bird, yeah,
275
00:14:47,440 --> 00:14:49,204
and she wanted him to lie
under a glass coffee table...
276
00:14:49,320 --> 00:14:51,846
I'lljust take this outside,
I won't be a moment.
277
00:14:51,920 --> 00:14:53,081
All right.
278
00:14:53,360 --> 00:14:54,361
(SNIFFS)
279
00:15:01,920 --> 00:15:03,490
UINGLING)
280
00:15:07,320 --> 00:15:08,321
(SNIFFS)
281
00:15:10,040 --> 00:15:11,201
What's he doing?
282
00:15:11,280 --> 00:15:12,645
He's pulled it off.
283
00:15:13,200 --> 00:15:15,328
Oh, God, we can't use any of this.
284
00:15:16,800 --> 00:15:20,043
PETE: Shit! Oh fuck!
285
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:23,249
What the fuck's that doing there?
286
00:15:23,320 --> 00:15:24,845
Shitting hell!
287
00:15:26,600 --> 00:15:28,170
Fuck!
288
00:15:28,520 --> 00:15:29,567
There...
289
00:15:30,120 --> 00:15:31,884
This just stuck in my foot.
290
00:15:32,200 --> 00:15:33,201
What is it?
291
00:15:33,280 --> 00:15:34,964
Don't know, it looks like a black nail
or something.
292
00:15:35,040 --> 00:15:36,201
Oh, I'm sorry.
293
00:15:36,280 --> 00:15:38,681
Maybe one of Madam Talbot's,
I do apologise.
294
00:15:39,040 --> 00:15:42,044
Erm, so have you ever
made contact before?
295
00:15:42,120 --> 00:15:45,090
No, mate. Don't really know what
I'm doing here to be honest with ya.
296
00:15:45,400 --> 00:15:47,926
My mates put me up to it.
Ain't that bothered, truth be told.
297
00:15:48,000 --> 00:15:49,126
Great.
298
00:15:49,200 --> 00:15:52,124
Er, well, if you'd like
to take a seat here.
299
00:15:52,200 --> 00:15:55,044
May I request, that if you do
have a mobile telephone
300
00:15:55,120 --> 00:15:56,360
you switch it off now.
301
00:15:56,960 --> 00:15:59,167
I will tell Madam Talbot you are ready.
302
00:16:00,520 --> 00:16:01,885
PETE: All right, fella.
303
00:16:04,680 --> 00:16:05,681
(PETE SNIFFS)
304
00:16:07,880 --> 00:16:09,245
-(DIALLING)
-(LIGHTS Fl_ICKERING)
305
00:16:11,800 --> 00:16:14,246
Martin, it's me.
I'm at the ghost woman's house.
306
00:16:14,960 --> 00:16:16,724
This better not be a fucking wind-up.
307
00:16:17,200 --> 00:16:19,009
Ring me back.
Don't take me for a prick, yeah?
308
00:16:19,440 --> 00:16:20,680
I've got better things to do.
309
00:16:20,760 --> 00:16:22,524
We have to bleep all of this.
310
00:16:22,920 --> 00:16:23,921
GEMMA: Cue Terry.
311
00:16:27,120 --> 00:16:29,327
Peter, please, may you stand?
312
00:16:33,520 --> 00:16:34,726
(BUZZING)
313
00:16:36,000 --> 00:16:37,889
May I present Ma...
314
00:16:37,960 --> 00:16:40,122
-(MOBILE RINGING)
- Oh, hang on.
315
00:16:40,920 --> 00:16:42,490
All right, that was quick.
just left you a message.
316
00:16:43,640 --> 00:16:44,926
Yeah.
317
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:46,001
Madam Talbot...
318
00:16:46,080 --> 00:16:47,730
Fucking hell, here we go. She's here.
319
00:16:48,320 --> 00:16:50,527
Yeah, I'll call you later.
Cheers, buddy.
320
00:16:50,600 --> 00:16:51,601
Bye.
321
00:16:52,240 --> 00:16:53,241
(SNIFFS)
322
00:16:53,600 --> 00:16:54,681
All right.
323
00:16:56,240 --> 00:16:57,810
You may be seated.
324
00:16:58,080 --> 00:17:01,880
(IN EERIE VOICE)
Hives, Mary is sleeping now.
325
00:17:01,960 --> 00:17:02,961
(SNICKERING)
326
00:17:05,040 --> 00:17:07,805
PETE: Sorry. I didn't mean to laugh.
327
00:17:09,160 --> 00:17:13,290
ANNE:
Why have you come here, my child?
328
00:17:13,360 --> 00:17:15,044
PETE: My mate Martin said I should.
329
00:17:15,120 --> 00:17:17,600
He said you're like Derren Brown.
He likes shit like that.
330
00:17:24,280 --> 00:17:29,411
ANNE: The curious are often drawn here,
for a glimpse of Summerland.
331
00:17:29,680 --> 00:17:31,444
-(GRAMOPHONE PLAYING HYMN)
- I'm not curious.
332
00:17:31,520 --> 00:17:34,490
Good question.
It means the Astral plane.
333
00:17:34,600 --> 00:17:35,840
What?
334
00:17:37,920 --> 00:17:39,331
Er, all is ready.
335
00:17:54,520 --> 00:17:56,010
(WHISPERS) What's wrong with her eyes?
336
00:17:56,800 --> 00:18:01,328
Madam Talbot suffers from cataracts,
but she's only managed to get one done.
337
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,601
Let us link hands.
338
00:18:05,120 --> 00:18:06,724
You're having a laugh, ain't ya?
339
00:18:10,520 --> 00:18:12,682
Now, let us bow our head... Sorry.
340
00:18:14,880 --> 00:18:16,325
(MOANING)
341
00:18:17,680 --> 00:18:19,523
- CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy...
- What?
342
00:18:20,680 --> 00:18:22,250
CHILD'S VOICE: Where's Mummy?
343
00:18:23,720 --> 00:18:25,006
Anne?
344
00:18:25,280 --> 00:18:26,566
(STATIC)
345
00:18:29,640 --> 00:18:31,722
(ANNE GROANING)
346
00:18:35,560 --> 00:18:38,325
Now, let us bow our heads
in meditation and prayer.
347
00:18:39,520 --> 00:18:41,841
If there are indeed
any Astrals here today,
348
00:18:41,920 --> 00:18:45,163
we humbly ask you to give us a sign.
349
00:18:49,400 --> 00:18:50,811
(GROANING)
350
00:18:55,960 --> 00:18:57,121
Anything?
351
00:18:58,120 --> 00:18:59,246
No?
352
00:18:59,800 --> 00:19:01,370
Shit! Cue the dwarf!
353
00:19:01,440 --> 00:19:02,726
(ANNE CONTINUES GROANING)
354
00:19:04,880 --> 00:19:06,848
Is there anybody here known to you?
355
00:19:07,600 --> 00:19:08,726
(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Tina!
356
00:19:08,800 --> 00:19:09,847
No!
357
00:19:09,920 --> 00:19:11,081
Peter!
358
00:19:11,440 --> 00:19:12,805
Whoa!
359
00:19:13,720 --> 00:19:14,721
(RECORD SKIPPING)
360
00:19:14,800 --> 00:19:15,801
(BABY CRYING)
361
00:19:16,000 --> 00:19:18,367
Talk to it, Peter. Ask it what it wants.
362
00:19:20,600 --> 00:19:21,806
(RATTLING)
363
00:19:24,800 --> 00:19:27,201
I'm here!
364
00:19:27,280 --> 00:19:28,964
What do you want?
365
00:19:29,040 --> 00:19:30,280
Peter!
366
00:19:30,360 --> 00:19:31,646
- Ahhh!
-(GROANS)
367
00:19:34,760 --> 00:19:36,125
Shit!
368
00:19:41,080 --> 00:19:43,082
ANNE: What has happened, Hives?
369
00:19:43,600 --> 00:19:46,365
For I am blind and can only sense.
370
00:19:46,440 --> 00:19:47,805
Yeah, all right, drop it, Anne.
371
00:19:48,200 --> 00:19:49,486
What are you doing, you moron?
372
00:19:49,920 --> 00:19:53,367
GEMMA: Peter, it's a prank.
It's a prank.
373
00:19:53,680 --> 00:19:54,681
What?
374
00:19:54,760 --> 00:19:56,046
You're being filmed for Scaredy Cam.
375
00:19:56,160 --> 00:19:57,321
What's Scaredy Cam?
376
00:19:57,400 --> 00:19:59,448
Oh, fuck off, it's a hidden-camera show.
377
00:19:59,520 --> 00:20:01,443
Gemma, where do you find these people?
378
00:20:01,520 --> 00:20:03,602
And someone tell Pepe
and his friend we've stopped.
379
00:20:04,880 --> 00:20:06,041
Oh, Carl...
380
00:20:07,320 --> 00:20:08,765
I'm sorry, I didn't... I...
381
00:20:08,840 --> 00:20:10,046
Is he all right?
382
00:20:10,120 --> 00:20:11,167
(IN NORMAL VOICE) He's bleeding.
383
00:20:11,240 --> 00:20:13,925
Oh, no, not on the wig, I hope.
It's a hire.
384
00:20:14,000 --> 00:20:16,207
Are you OK? Oh, what is his name?
385
00:20:16,360 --> 00:20:18,124
I never did hear it.
386
00:20:18,200 --> 00:20:20,362
I want to say Tom for some reason,
387
00:20:21,160 --> 00:20:22,525
but am I thinking of Tom Thumb?
388
00:20:22,600 --> 00:20:24,364
Well, he'sjust "Blue Demon Dwarf"
on the call sheet.
389
00:20:24,440 --> 00:20:26,442
Who cares what his name is,
just get him up.
390
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:27,646
Amanda, call an ambulance.
391
00:20:27,720 --> 00:20:31,008
I told you there should have been
a unit nurse. I said on day one.
392
00:20:31,080 --> 00:20:32,605
Yeah, only because
you wanted free Lemsips.
393
00:20:32,680 --> 00:20:36,162
Excuse me, eight shows a week
and a telly in the daytime.
394
00:20:36,240 --> 00:20:37,605
You'd be wanting medication.
395
00:20:37,920 --> 00:20:39,729
I'm sorry, I thought he was a monster.
396
00:20:39,800 --> 00:20:40,847
He's an actor.
397
00:20:40,920 --> 00:20:42,081
Broadly speaking.
398
00:20:42,160 --> 00:20:44,049
I didn't mean to hurt him,
I just panicked.
399
00:20:44,640 --> 00:20:47,928
AMANDA: Yeah, uh,
we've got a little person.
400
00:20:48,000 --> 00:20:50,048
He's been involved in an accident.
401
00:20:50,880 --> 00:20:53,645
No, no he's not a child,
he's sort of a short...
402
00:20:53,720 --> 00:20:55,768
Oh, for God's sake, you can say "dwarf"!
403
00:20:56,120 --> 00:20:58,168
ACTOR: (MUMBLING) I'm not a dwarf!
404
00:20:58,240 --> 00:21:00,208
He's come to. Can you hear me?
405
00:21:00,280 --> 00:21:03,124
AMANDA: Well, he is blue at the moment,
but he might not be underneath.
406
00:21:03,200 --> 00:21:04,565
Would you take that
outside please, Amanda?
407
00:21:06,400 --> 00:21:08,926
Look, nobody bite my head off,
408
00:21:09,000 --> 00:21:12,083
but might I be permitted
to take my slap off and go?
409
00:21:12,360 --> 00:21:15,170
I just can't do three hours
of Ibsen on an empty stomach
410
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:17,720
and I did spy a Yo! Sushi on the corner.
411
00:21:17,800 --> 00:21:18,801
Oh, shut up will you, Anne!
412
00:21:20,080 --> 00:21:22,401
- I beg your pardon?
- I said shut up, I'm trying to think.
413
00:21:22,640 --> 00:21:23,766
How dare you!
414
00:21:24,520 --> 00:21:26,443
No-one has ever spoken
to me like that before
415
00:21:26,520 --> 00:21:28,284
and I've done Shoestring.
416
00:21:28,640 --> 00:21:29,846
Oh, my God! He's stopped breathing.
417
00:21:29,920 --> 00:21:30,967
Oh, brilliant!
418
00:21:31,440 --> 00:21:32,441
TERRY:
This show got cancelled last time,
419
00:21:32,520 --> 00:21:34,887
cos a little boy
pissed his pants on live TV.
420
00:21:35,360 --> 00:21:37,886
We got 97 complaints and
I ended up doing bingo adverts.
421
00:21:37,960 --> 00:21:40,008
I'm not going back there, Gemma.
Do you understand me?
422
00:21:44,080 --> 00:21:45,286
He's dead!
423
00:21:46,760 --> 00:21:47,841
Oh, God!
424
00:21:48,240 --> 00:21:50,402
Oh, the... We'd better ring the police.
425
00:21:51,240 --> 00:21:52,287
Oh, fucks sake!
426
00:21:56,200 --> 00:21:57,565
"Good night, sweet prince,
427
00:21:58,320 --> 00:22:00,971
"and flights of angels sing
thee to thy rest".
428
00:22:02,000 --> 00:22:04,526
I'm not too old for Gertrude, am I?
429
00:22:07,720 --> 00:22:09,529
Ambulance is on its way.
430
00:22:09,600 --> 00:22:11,523
He's dead. He died.
431
00:22:12,280 --> 00:22:16,365
Oh, can I pop back in and grab
the teeth, then? They cost a fortune.
432
00:22:16,440 --> 00:22:18,920
I wouldn't touch him if I were you.
The police want to talk to us all.
433
00:22:19,080 --> 00:22:20,411
I haven't done anything.
434
00:22:20,480 --> 00:22:22,448
I've just been sitting
on my make-up box the whole time.
435
00:22:23,120 --> 00:22:24,167
Yeah.
436
00:22:24,920 --> 00:22:27,287
Just go and wait in the green room.
They'll be here soon enough.
437
00:22:28,880 --> 00:22:30,325
Why's it always me?
438
00:22:31,840 --> 00:22:34,844
I will need that wig, though.
It needs to go back into storage.
439
00:22:43,160 --> 00:22:44,571
ACTOR". Peter!
PETE: Ahhh!
440
00:22:46,560 --> 00:22:48,369
What a shame. It's fucking funny.
441
00:22:50,000 --> 00:22:51,604
(REWINDING)
442
00:22:51,960 --> 00:22:55,362
Where's Amanda? I need this contact out,
I look like Columbo.
443
00:22:55,440 --> 00:22:56,930
She's in the green room.
444
00:22:57,000 --> 00:22:59,685
Oh, fine.
I'll de-rig myself then, shall I?
445
00:22:59,760 --> 00:23:03,242
All hands to the pump.
It's like doing a profit-share.
446
00:23:04,960 --> 00:23:05,961
(SIGHING)
447
00:23:06,400 --> 00:23:07,526
Police are on their way.
448
00:23:07,600 --> 00:23:08,647
Well, I hope you didn't mention me.
449
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,245
I did. They've never heard of you.
450
00:23:11,080 --> 00:23:12,525
What do you think'll happen?
451
00:23:12,600 --> 00:23:15,683
Probably cancel the series, again.
Er, stop any repeats.
452
00:23:15,760 --> 00:23:18,240
My contract won't be renewed and
I'll be blacklisted from the channel.
453
00:23:18,600 --> 00:23:20,682
No, I meant what do you
think will happen to me?
454
00:23:21,280 --> 00:23:23,009
I dunno?
Probably end up as a clip on YouTube.
455
00:23:23,240 --> 00:23:25,607
Three million hits that pissing boy got,
I didn't see a penny of it.
456
00:23:26,960 --> 00:23:28,405
I'm sorry for spoiling your programme.
457
00:23:28,480 --> 00:23:31,086
Oh, no, it's fine.
You were swearing too much, anyway.
458
00:23:31,160 --> 00:23:32,650
And that was before
you murdered a dwarf.
459
00:23:32,720 --> 00:23:33,801
I didn't murder him.
460
00:23:33,880 --> 00:23:36,963
No, of course you didn't.
And if anything it was his fault.
461
00:23:37,800 --> 00:23:38,881
Whose fault?
462
00:23:38,960 --> 00:23:41,327
Little What's-His-Face.
He missed his cue.
463
00:23:41,400 --> 00:23:43,402
And what were you saying, anyway?
"Where's Mummy?"
464
00:23:43,480 --> 00:23:44,766
What was all that about?
465
00:23:44,840 --> 00:23:47,684
I don't remember. I must have dried.
466
00:23:47,760 --> 00:23:49,683
Same thing happened to me in
A Taste of Honey
467
00:23:49,760 --> 00:23:51,046
at the Royal Exchange.
468
00:23:51,120 --> 00:23:53,930
I suddenly went into a recipe
for banana bread.
469
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:55,240
Audience never clocked.
470
00:23:55,720 --> 00:23:59,042
Right. I'm going to get changed
before the police get here.
471
00:23:59,800 --> 00:24:01,484
Do you know, I was very nearly Marple.
472
00:24:02,640 --> 00:24:04,404
They said I wasn't sweet enough.
473
00:24:04,480 --> 00:24:05,606
Fuckers!
474
00:24:07,080 --> 00:24:09,003
Look, it was an accident.
475
00:24:09,120 --> 00:24:11,691
- You can't predict these things.
- Thanks.
476
00:24:14,000 --> 00:24:15,490
Can I get my shoe back?
477
00:24:15,560 --> 00:24:17,961
Oh, sure, er, it's in the corridor.
Yeah.
478
00:24:18,320 --> 00:24:20,322
Don't worry. It'll be fine.
479
00:24:24,800 --> 00:24:26,086
Can we run a background check on him?
480
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,889
See if there's any history
of mental illness.
481
00:24:27,960 --> 00:24:29,007
What do you mean?
482
00:24:29,080 --> 00:24:31,287
Well, then it's all his fault isn't it?
We can pin it all on him.
483
00:24:31,360 --> 00:24:33,283
Terry, that's the last thing
on my mind at the moment.
484
00:24:33,360 --> 00:24:34,930
Oh, I'm sorry,
I'm just trying to save the programme.
485
00:24:35,000 --> 00:24:36,001
Don't you want a career?
486
00:24:36,080 --> 00:24:37,241
Well, not if it means
treating people like shit!
487
00:24:37,320 --> 00:24:38,845
Oh, well, you're in the wrong job, then.
488
00:24:40,040 --> 00:24:41,565
Yeah, maybe I am.
489
00:24:41,640 --> 00:24:43,085
Good luck with your bingo adverts.
490
00:24:43,160 --> 00:24:44,889
Yeah, well, Les Dennis
is doing them now so...
491
00:24:44,960 --> 00:24:46,007
(DOOR SLAMS)
492
00:24:55,240 --> 00:24:56,366
CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy!
493
00:24:56,440 --> 00:24:57,441
(STATIC)
494
00:24:59,680 --> 00:25:01,409
Oh, thank Christ!
495
00:25:08,600 --> 00:25:09,647
Hello.
496
00:25:11,600 --> 00:25:12,647
Are you all right?
497
00:25:16,800 --> 00:25:18,609
You had us all worried
there for a minute.
498
00:25:19,800 --> 00:25:21,450
Sorry, I don't know your name.
499
00:25:21,560 --> 00:25:23,847
ACTOR: (IN EERIE VOICE)
Spirit of Little Boy.
500
00:25:24,920 --> 00:25:26,843
Er, no we changed that. Remember?
501
00:25:27,600 --> 00:25:29,045
ACTOR: I'm sad.
502
00:25:30,520 --> 00:25:32,648
Yes. Sorry about that.
503
00:25:33,400 --> 00:25:34,890
Um, well, at least you're all right now.
504
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:36,729
I didn't like it.
505
00:25:37,200 --> 00:25:41,000
No. No, but, er, we're going to do
everything in our power
506
00:25:41,080 --> 00:25:42,844
to make sure that guy gets prosecuted.
507
00:25:42,920 --> 00:25:45,651
I didn't like it when you
were the gorilla.
508
00:25:46,280 --> 00:25:47,441
(TEARFULLY) 1 was scared.
509
00:25:48,560 --> 00:25:49,800
Gorilla?
510
00:25:51,600 --> 00:25:53,409
(IN EERIE VOICE)
They all laughed at me.
511
00:25:54,080 --> 00:25:56,811
It was easier to jump in the river.
512
00:25:58,840 --> 00:26:00,171
What?
513
00:26:00,320 --> 00:26:02,687
(TEARFU LLY) Mummy didn't see.
514
00:26:03,800 --> 00:26:06,280
It was cold in the water.
515
00:26:08,120 --> 00:26:11,283
Tom-Tom didn't like it.
516
00:26:12,920 --> 00:26:14,206
I'm sorry.
517
00:26:15,160 --> 00:26:18,004
Er, I... I didn't know.
518
00:26:20,200 --> 00:26:21,804
It was just a stupid bit of telly.
519
00:26:23,400 --> 00:26:24,731
I didn't think...
520
00:26:27,760 --> 00:26:29,000
Oh, hang on.
521
00:26:30,240 --> 00:26:31,605
Oh, very funny.
522
00:26:31,720 --> 00:26:32,721
(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)
523
00:26:33,280 --> 00:26:36,966
Er, yeah, well done, guys.
Very elaborate.
524
00:26:37,960 --> 00:26:41,169
(LAUGHS) You nearly had me for a minute.
Yeah, hello.
525
00:26:41,240 --> 00:26:42,241
(STATIC)
526
00:26:45,720 --> 00:26:46,846
I've got to hand it to you, fella,
527
00:26:46,920 --> 00:26:49,400
you're a much better actor
than I first...
528
00:26:51,440 --> 00:26:55,206
CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy! Where's Mummy?
529
00:27:11,720 --> 00:27:15,486
Terry, the police are he...
Oh, he must be in the other room.
530
00:27:22,080 --> 00:27:23,809
Terry, what's happened?
531
00:27:27,800 --> 00:27:29,404
Tm on Scaredy Cam.
532
00:27:36,480 --> 00:27:38,244
(SNARLS)
39180
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