Original subtitles

(JINGLES)

HIVES: This way, please. Thank you for being prompt.

Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.

- Thanks. Sorry. - Erm, what is it you do, if I may ask?

I work in a phone shop.

Ah, from one line of communication to another.

HIVES: Er, may I ask, have you ever made contact before?

At the phone shop?

Through mediumship.

Oh, sorry. I'm a bit nervous.

No, my sister recommended Miss... Madam Talbot,

but I've never been to anything like this before.

Let me take your coat.

Would you care for a glass of water?

No, I'm fine, thank you.

Please take a seat.

May I request if you do have a mobile telephone, you switch it off now.

And I will tell Madam Talbot that you're ready.

(MUSIC BOX PLAYING)

(LIGHTS FLICKERING)

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN)

(BUZZING)

Tina, please, may you stand?

Yes, sorry.

May I present Madam Talbot.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

You may be seated.

(IN EERIE VOICE) Why have you come here, my child?

My sister saw you after she lost her husband.

I haven't actually lost anyone recently, but...

I understand.

The curious are often drawn here,

for a glimpse of Summerland.

What's Summerland?

Good question. It means the Astral plane.

Let us see who may be waiting for you there.

Hives, Mary is sleeping now.

(WINDING)

(PLAYING HYMN)

All is ready.

(TINA GASPS)

Let us link hands.

Sorry, sweaty palms.

Now let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer.

(MADAM TALBOT GROANING)

If there are indeed any Astrals here today...

(MOANING)

HIVES: ...please let yourselves be known to us.

-($HRIEl '(JINGLING)

Do not break the circle, Tina.

The circle is our protection.

Oh!

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Who calls?

HIVES: Please indulge us here on this earthly plane.

May we ask your name?

(HOWLING DEMONICALLY)

Oh, God! I don't like it!

Keep looking, Tina. What is your name?

Is there anyone amongst us here known to you?

Tina!

Oh, shit!

Talk to it, Tina. Ask it who it is.

- I don't want to. - You must!

Who are you?

(RECORD SKIPPING)

(BABY CRYING)

I am in pain, Tina! Help me!

What do you want me to do?

I will come to you...

Oh, don't like it! I don't like it!

- I'm here! - No!

Tina!

(SCREAMING)

Do not break the circle, Tina!

(CONTINUES SCREAMING)

(BABY CRYING)

Tina, you have to stop it!

I can't!

You have to!

I don't know how!

There's only one way!

H Ow?

By smiling at the camera and saying, "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam"!

What?

Oh, my God. It's you.

That's right. Look through there.

Give us a wave

and say "Hi, I'm on Scaredy Cam“.!

I used to be such a massive fan. I can't believe...

Just say it!

"Hi, my name's Tina and I'm on Scaredy Cam“.!

All right, we got that, Terry, thanks.

John, did you hear we had a "shit" at 10:02?

Do you think we can get away with that?

A "shit" for two "bloody's".

Seems fair enough...

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

Right. Oh...

GEMMA: (ON INTERCOM) Terry, while you're there,

can I get you to do the link into part two please?

Yeah, could I get a cold Diet Coke please, Gemma?

Sure.

Yeah, I'd like a Diet Coke as well please, Gemma.

So, am I actually going to be on telly?

Yeah, you'll be part of a montage.

We do it a few times to get the best reactions.

Brilliant, cos I thought they cancelled it.

They did, but it's back now.

On ITV?

No. I'm ready.

GEMMA". Yeah, we're rolling.

So, join us after the break and we'll be counting down our top 10 terrors...

And we reveal which prank you voted as our funniest-ever fright.

Don't you dare go away!

Could you not move around when I'm recording, please?

Incredibly distracting.

And there was a bear on the records. Can someone shift it before we go again?

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

I'll need to do checks on Anne before we go again.

And the little... What is his name?

Erm, I'm not sure.

My favourite one was with you as the gorilla and there was a child...

Yes, I know. I was there, I did it.

Gemma, could you...

Oh, yes, sorry. Tina, do you want to come through with me?

Just get you to sign some release forms.

Can I get a water please, Gemma? I'm parched.

Sure.

ANNE: (IN NORMAL VOICE) Terry, darling,

could you leave more of a gap before coming in with the,

"Let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer" bit.

I wanted to get on with the heavy breathing trancy stuff

and I just felt it all got a bit trampled over.

Yes, Anne, no problem.

It's only a beat, but I think it's more dramatic, don't you?

Absolutely.

(MUTTERING) It's a hidden-camera show, not the fucking National Theatre.

And could someone bring me a footstool, please?

My ankles are swelling.

Could you try doing it without maybe sweating quite so much?

Well, it's very hot in there.

I don't know why I have to be blue, anyway.

It's just in the script, wasn't it?

Blue Demon Dwarf. How's the nails?

Lost one. Said I would, didn't I? Always happens.

Well, we'll have to find it, cos they're specially made.

So, erm, do you play a lot of demons?

No, why'd you say that?

Well, anyway, a part's a part, isn't it?

Doesn't matter if you're...

Dick Whittington's Cat in Darlington for three months or Hamlet.

Have you played Hamlet?

No. Love to.

- AN N E: Amanda, sweetie? - Yea h?

I need these contacts out before we go again.

I can't have red eyes, I'm on stage tonight.

Yes, sorry, Anne. I'll go and fetch the solution.

Keep pressing on that.

(SIGHING)

So, are you treading the boards at the moment, Anne?

Yes.

AnYthiflg good?

Not really. Director's useless.

Mmm, what's wrong?

He's a drunk, darling, shits the bed.

Right.

We had a tricky director on Wh/tt/ngton, actually.

Yeah, he sort of came from more of a physical theatre background

and so made me do lots of character...

ACTOR: ...work about the cats but I'm allergic so...

Gemma, could you put the warm prop back in its box, please?

It's pissing Anne off and I'll be getting calls from her agent again.

Er, sure, one second.

I don't know why I keep booking dwarves, they're always a pain in the arse.

Er, I don't think he's a dwarf, is he?

Course he is. Look at him.

How did that last one look, anyway? Was it all right?

Yeah, good. It was funny.

- Funny? - Er, and scary.

That girl was a bit dead-eyed, wasn't she?

I've seen road-kill with better reactions.

Sorry, would it be possible to get your autograph?

Yeah, course. No problem. What's your name?

Tina.

Erm, Terry, with this top 10 thing,

do you still want the scarecrow one at number one?

Yes, please. There you go.

Because I've been looking online and people seem to love the gorilla one.

Yeah, that's my favourite. With the little boy. It was so funny.

No, I don't want that one in the top 10.

When he wet himself.

Yeah, well it was live TV. We couldn't do anything about that.

Well, cos I was thinking, we could track the boy down, get him back...

No! It's a public vote.

Just stick to the one I chose, OK?

I'll get my own Diet Coke then, shall I?

He comes over much nicer on the telly.

It's all done in the edit.

Ah, oh, thank you, sweetie.

And could I have a tissue, please? I need to blow my nose.

I don't know why, but wearing contacts always makes me snotty.

I have that when I eat a curry.

GEMMA: Anne, could I get you to step off for a little bit?

The FX team needs to look at your ectoplasm pipe.

Yeah, there's an offer you can't refuse.

No, I just need five minutes without being fiddled with.

I've got a performance of Hedda Gablertonight

and I'm not doing it looking like Christopher Lee.

Did you want a chair to rest your ankles on, Anne?

No, thank you, I'm not an invalid.

GEMMA: Erm, right, can we get you into position, please, erm...

Mr Demon. (CHUCKLES)

Can I have some water first? It's so hot in there.

It's stifling, Gemma. We need air-con units,

I said this last week.

You would not have cattle in this heat.

It is warm.

I'm serious. You would not be allowed to keep cattle in this heat,

but actors... It's fine.

Amanda, could you get the artists some water?

GEMMA: OK, so can we get you... ACTOR: Terry, can I ask you something?

- Yes. - In the original script I got sent,

it said the character was "Spirit of Little Boy".

Yes. We changed it.

Can I ask why?

Because "Blue Demon Dwarf" is scarier.

But will it be in the credits as "Dwarf", because obviously...

- What? - I'm not a dwarf.

- Right. - Did you think I was?

No, course not.

Because I never would have taken the role if I'd known

it was all gonna be scary dwarf acting.

So what kind of acting do you normally do?

A variety, you know.

Like I did a short film a few years ago, where I played this guy in a park

who meets this really gorgeous girl with a dog.

And the dog keeps looking at me...

Yeah, one second and I do want to hear this... Gemma!

Could you just tell me I've got to go and put my moustache back on?

I don't want to get trapped with that, I can't bear it, OK?

Terry, you've got to go and put your moustache on.

Oh, OK. Will do. Sorry.

CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy!

Will someone mop up that water, please? That's how accidents happen.

Erm, I really do need you back in your hutch, I'm afraid.

Hutch? I'm not a gerbil!

Carl, all good?

Who wanted water?

ACTOR: Me! ANNE: Er, me, please!

Oh, yeah, Terry said we needed a mop.

Oh, never mind.

Um, can we get Anne's contacts back in as soon as possible, please?

There's too much fiddling on this.

I was in and out of a coma

for a BBC thing and it could have been a nightmare,

but it wasn't, because the prop guys were fantastic.

Can we check the lights?

ACTOR: Did my water come?

PROP GUY: (WHISPERING) Sorry!

OK, roll cameras and good luck, studio.

TERRY: This way, please. Thank you for being prompt.

Madam Talbot doesn't enjoy latecomers.

What is it you do, if I may ask?

PETE: I'm really sorry, I think I've stood in some dog shit.

- Er, oh... - Have a look.

You got a tissue or something?

- Um... - It's everywhere. Fucking hell!

No, please, let me take your shoe.

Sorry about this.

Meant to be lucky, innit?

Or is that just if a bird shits on ya?

Yeah, it's just birds, I think. Yes.

Mate of mine was going out with this bird, yeah,

and she wanted him to lie under a glass coffee table...

I'lljust take this outside, I won't be a moment.

All right.

(SNIFFS)

UINGLING)

(SNIFFS)

What's he doing?

He's pulled it off.

Oh, God, we can't use any of this.

PETE: Shit! Oh fuck!

What the fuck's that doing there?

Shitting hell!

Fuck!

There...

This just stuck in my foot.

What is it?

Don't know, it looks like a black nail or something.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Maybe one of Madam Talbot's, I do apologise.

Erm, so have you ever made contact before?

No, mate. Don't really know what I'm doing here to be honest with ya.

My mates put me up to it. Ain't that bothered, truth be told.

Great.

Er, well, if you'd like to take a seat here.

May I request, that if you do have a mobile telephone

you switch it off now.

I will tell Madam Talbot you are ready.

PETE: All right, fella.

(PETE SNIFFS)

-(DIALLING) -(LIGHTS Fl_ICKERING)

Martin, it's me. I'm at the ghost woman's house.

This better not be a fucking wind-up.

Ring me back. Don't take me for a prick, yeah?

I've got better things to do.

We have to bleep all of this.

GEMMA: Cue Terry.

Peter, please, may you stand?

(BUZZING)

May I present Ma...

-(MOBILE RINGING) - Oh, hang on.

All right, that was quick. just left you a message.

Yeah.

Madam Talbot...

Fucking hell, here we go. She's here.

Yeah, I'll call you later. Cheers, buddy.

Bye.

(SNIFFS)

All right.

You may be seated.

(IN EERIE VOICE) Hives, Mary is sleeping now.

(SNICKERING)

PETE: Sorry. I didn't mean to laugh.

ANNE: Why have you come here, my child?

PETE: My mate Martin said I should.

He said you're like Derren Brown. He likes shit like that.

ANNE: The curious are often drawn here, for a glimpse of Summerland.

-(GRAMOPHONE PLAYING HYMN) - I'm not curious.

Good question. It means the Astral plane.

What?

Er, all is ready.

(WHISPERS) What's wrong with her eyes?

Madam Talbot suffers from cataracts, but she's only managed to get one done.

Let us link hands.

You're having a laugh, ain't ya?

Now, let us bow our head... Sorry.

(MOANING)

- CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy... - What?

CHILD'S VOICE: Where's Mummy?

Anne?

(STATIC)

(ANNE GROANING)

Now, let us bow our heads in meditation and prayer.

If there are indeed any Astrals here today,

we humbly ask you to give us a sign.

(GROANING)

Anything?

No?

Shit! Cue the dwarf!

(ANNE CONTINUES GROANING)

Is there anybody here known to you?

(IN DEMONIC VOICE) Tina!

No!

Peter!

Whoa!

(RECORD SKIPPING)

(BABY CRYING)

Talk to it, Peter. Ask it what it wants.

(RATTLING)

I'm here!

What do you want?

Peter!

- Ahhh! -(GROANS)

Shit!

ANNE: What has happened, Hives?

For I am blind and can only sense.

Yeah, all right, drop it, Anne.

What are you doing, you moron?

GEMMA: Peter, it's a prank. It's a prank.

What?

You're being filmed for Scaredy Cam.

What's Scaredy Cam?

Oh, fuck off, it's a hidden-camera show.

Gemma, where do you find these people?

And someone tell Pepe and his friend we've stopped.

Oh, Carl...

I'm sorry, I didn't... I...

Is he all right?

(IN NORMAL VOICE) He's bleeding.

Oh, no, not on the wig, I hope. It's a hire.

Are you OK? Oh, what is his name?

I never did hear it.

I want to say Tom for some reason,

but am I thinking of Tom Thumb?

Well, he'sjust "Blue Demon Dwarf" on the call sheet.

Who cares what his name is, just get him up.

Amanda, call an ambulance.

I told you there should have been a unit nurse. I said on day one.

Yeah, only because you wanted free Lemsips.

Excuse me, eight shows a week and a telly in the daytime.

You'd be wanting medication.

I'm sorry, I thought he was a monster.

He's an actor.

Broadly speaking.

I didn't mean to hurt him, I just panicked.

AMANDA: Yeah, uh, we've got a little person.

He's been involved in an accident.

No, no he's not a child, he's sort of a short...

Oh, for God's sake, you can say "dwarf"!

ACTOR: (MUMBLING) I'm not a dwarf!

He's come to. Can you hear me?

AMANDA: Well, he is blue at the moment, but he might not be underneath.

Would you take that outside please, Amanda?

Look, nobody bite my head off,

but might I be permitted to take my slap off and go?

I just can't do three hours of Ibsen on an empty stomach

and I did spy a Yo! Sushi on the corner.

Oh, shut up will you, Anne!

- I beg your pardon? - I said shut up, I'm trying to think.

How dare you!

No-one has ever spoken to me like that before

and I've done Shoestring.

Oh, my God! He's stopped breathing.

Oh, brilliant!

TERRY: This show got cancelled last time,

cos a little boy pissed his pants on live TV.

We got 97 complaints and I ended up doing bingo adverts.

I'm not going back there, Gemma. Do you understand me?

He's dead!

Oh, God!

Oh, the... We'd better ring the police.

Oh, fucks sake!

"Good night, sweet prince,

"and flights of angels sing thee to thy rest".

I'm not too old for Gertrude, am I?

Ambulance is on its way.

He's dead. He died.

Oh, can I pop back in and grab the teeth, then? They cost a fortune.

I wouldn't touch him if I were you. The police want to talk to us all.

I haven't done anything.

I've just been sitting on my make-up box the whole time.

Yeah.

Just go and wait in the green room. They'll be here soon enough.

Why's it always me?

I will need that wig, though. It needs to go back into storage.

ACTOR". Peter! PETE: Ahhh!

What a shame. It's fucking funny.

(REWINDING)

Where's Amanda? I need this contact out, I look like Columbo.

She's in the green room.

Oh, fine. I'll de-rig myself then, shall I?

All hands to the pump. It's like doing a profit-share.

(SIGHING)

Police are on their way.

Well, I hope you didn't mention me.

I did. They've never heard of you.

What do you think'll happen?

Probably cancel the series, again. Er, stop any repeats.

My contract won't be renewed and I'll be blacklisted from the channel.

No, I meant what do you think will happen to me?

I dunno? Probably end up as a clip on YouTube.

Three million hits that pissing boy got, I didn't see a penny of it.

I'm sorry for spoiling your programme.

Oh, no, it's fine. You were swearing too much, anyway.

And that was before you murdered a dwarf.

I didn't murder him.

No, of course you didn't. And if anything it was his fault.

Whose fault?

Little What's-His-Face. He missed his cue.

And what were you saying, anyway? "Where's Mummy?"

What was all that about?

I don't remember. I must have dried.

Same thing happened to me in A Taste of Honey

at the Royal Exchange.

I suddenly went into a recipe for banana bread.

Audience never clocked.

Right. I'm going to get changed before the police get here.

Do you know, I was very nearly Marple.

They said I wasn't sweet enough.

Fuckers!

Look, it was an accident.

- You can't predict these things. - Thanks.

Can I get my shoe back?

Oh, sure, er, it's in the corridor. Yeah.

Don't worry. It'll be fine.

Can we run a background check on him?

See if there's any history of mental illness.

What do you mean?

Well, then it's all his fault isn't it? We can pin it all on him.

Terry, that's the last thing on my mind at the moment.

Oh, I'm sorry, I'm just trying to save the programme.

Don't you want a career?

Well, not if it means treating people like shit!

Oh, well, you're in the wrong job, then.

Yeah, maybe I am.

Good luck with your bingo adverts.

Yeah, well, Les Dennis is doing them now so...

(DOOR SLAMS)

CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy!

(STATIC)

Oh, thank Christ!

Hello.

Are you all right?

You had us all worried there for a minute.

Sorry, I don't know your name.

ACTOR: (IN EERIE VOICE) Spirit of Little Boy.

Er, no we changed that. Remember?

ACTOR: I'm sad.

Yes. Sorry about that.

Um, well, at least you're all right now.

I didn't like it.

No. No, but, er, we're going to do everything in our power

to make sure that guy gets prosecuted.

I didn't like it when you were the gorilla.

(TEARFULLY) 1 was scared.

Gorilla?

(IN EERIE VOICE) They all laughed at me.

It was easier to jump in the river.

What?

(TEARFU LLY) Mummy didn't see.

It was cold in the water.

Tom-Tom didn't like it.

I'm sorry.

Er, I... I didn't know.

It was just a stupid bit of telly.

I didn't think...

Oh, hang on.

Oh, very funny.

(LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY)

Er, yeah, well done, guys. Very elaborate.

(LAUGHS) You nearly had me for a minute. Yeah, hello.

(STATIC)

I've got to hand it to you, fella,

you're a much better actor than I first...

CHILD'S VOICE: Mummy! Where's Mummy?

Terry, the police are he... Oh, he must be in the other room.

Terry, what's happened?

Tm on Scaredy Cam.

(SNARLS)