Original subtitles

(INTERCOM CHIMES)

(TRAIN AN NOUNCER SPEAKING FRENCH)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(GRUNTS AND PARTS)

(SPEAKS GERMAN)

(GRUNTING)

(coucamwe)

(GRUNTS)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

- Could you close the window, please? - Huh?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(SNIFFS)

(goueus)

(RATTLING NOISILY)

(MOBILE CHIMES)

(SNIFFS)

(WOMAN MOANING ON MOBILE)

(CHUCKLES)

(MUTTERING)

(FARTING)

(BLOWS AIR)

(jORG GROANS)

(jORG SNORING)

KATH: Oh, it's here, look. LES: Where?

KATH: Here. Number 9.

(WHISPERING) Oh, God, there's people in here already.

LES: So?

- They're asleep. - It's a sleeper train.

What do you expect them to be doing? Playing Ping-Pong?

Keep your voice down. Sorry.

- Er, I'lljust put these away. - Well, what about these?

Don't want them all creased up for the wedding.

Well, hang them up. Find the ticket, see which ones are ours.

- All right. - Yeah.

(GRUNTS)

(u NZIP5)

(UNZIPPING SLOWLY)

just get on with it, would you? I'm trying to sleep.

Yeah, sorry.

(u NZIP5)

Here, they've got sinks for brushing your teeth, but the water's brown.

I don't trust it. Which ones are ours?

- I can't see. - I'll put the big light on.

_Les! “Oh!

I think it's these top two, but there's someone in that one.

Oh, you're joking.

Well, it's all right, we'lljust take these two.

- No, I wanna go on the top. - Les, you're not six!

It's the only thing I was looking forward to.

What, more than your daughter's wedding?

- Let's just wake him up. - No!

I've already disturbed this gentleman.

We'll both go in this one if you're that fussed. Be an adventure.

It's not the Crystal Maze, you know.

Why did she wanna get married in France for anyway?

Could have had the back room at the Cheese for free.

(SCOFFS) Because she wanted to wake up in the French mountains, Les,

not in a pub garden in Bury.

LES: They'd have put on a good spread.

And they'd have an artist on at the night do.

They'll do a good spread here.

You're in France. Cuisine capital of the world.

Yeah, well, I'm not eating frogs' legs.

Oh, shut up about that. You have crabs' dicks.

- What? - You eat crabs' dicks in the pub.

That's crab sticks, you idiot. What's a crab's dick?

Well, I don't know. I thought they were big.

Would you be quiet, please?

Sorry, love, we're just sorting ourselves out.

Yeah. No.

Oh, me too, babe. I absolutely stink.

Haven't had a shower since Prague. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, fuck knows. (CHUCKLES) Hold on.

Awesome. Excuse me, does anyone know what country we're in?

Oh, you're in France, love.

(SNICKERS) Oh, my God, we're in France.

What happened to Austria? (SNICKERS) Yeah, right.

(SNICKERING)

Hold on, hold on. I'm gonna go out in the corridor.

Yeah, I'm in the, er, couchette.

No, it's like a room. Yeah.

Basically a hostel on wheels, it's so fucked. (SNICKERS) No...

Can you close the door, please? Excuse me! Excuse me!

(SNICKERING)

Ridiculous!

(WHISPERING) Come on, let's get undressed.

Ah, yeah. (GRUNTS)

KATH: Ow!

(BOTH GRUNTING)

(BUMPS) Oh!

(BUMPS) Ow!

You... What you doing? You're gonna rip it. I can't...

- Shh! - Well, I'm just trying to help!

Shh.

(LES GRUNTING)

KATH: What are you doing? Get your head out.

(LES BREATHING HEAVILY)

Sorry, but we're gonna have to wake him up.

- No! - There's no room!

Hey, excuse me.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

- Er, you're in our bed. - Huh?

Er, you are in my wife's bed.

- Ja. -ja. Is that OK?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Oh, no, no, no, no, not with you. You have to go down.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Don't give him any ideas. No, er, here...

Er... Er, 9D.

9D.

(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)

We've started World War III here.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Hey, watch those suits, pal.

- The suits! Ignorant. - Les!

Well, look at him. Barbapapa.

Thank you, sir. We don't mean to cause a fuss,

but it's better to get it sorted, isn't it?

Look, I have a very important interview tomorrow morning.

We have 8 hours and 42 minutes

before we arrive in Bourg Saint Maurice.

I should like to spend the majority of that time sleeping!

Yeah, so would we. Sorry. (WHISPERING) Go on, Les, shift yourself.

Oh, why do I have to go in, it's all sweaty and horrible.

The gentleman'sjust told you he's trying to get some sleep.

Oh, but I'm gonna hang these suits up first, aren't I?

Hey, hey, hey. These are for our daughter's wedding.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

'(FARTS)

Oh, please!

- I'll be quiet now. - Ahhh!

(SNIFFING)

Oh, it stinks!

- Night-night. - Night-night.

(LES GRUNTS)

(SNIFFS)

(EXHALES)

(ALARM BEEPING)

-(WHISPERING) Les! - I know, it's my travel alarm.

KATH: Turn it off.

It only lasts 30 seconds, be over soon.

(ALARM GROWS LOUDER)

(ALARM BEEPING RAPIDLY)

Not long now.

- Les! -(ALARM STOPS)

Told ya.

(WHISPERING) just down here.

Excellent.

This is actually much nicer than first class.

Seriously?

Yeah, it's a lot more real, if you know what I mean?

- Here. -(CAN FIZZES)

It actually reminds me of a hostel I stayed in out in Phuket.

- The toilets were disgusting. -(CHUCKLES) I love all that shit.

- Have you done India? - Oh, yeah, it was awesome.

- I got hepatitis. - Really? A or B?

- Only A. - Hmm.

Still, my friend Callum got typhoid in Mumbai.

His parents had to pay for an air ambulance to get him out.

It was like The Killing Fields.

- Shit. Was he OK? - Yeah, he lost, like, three stone.

He was really pleased. He was a bit of a blob.

So, erm, what are your impressions of Europe so far?

Oh, I just love all the history and buildings and stuff.

- Mmm, what have you seen? - Erm, what's the one in Belgium

of the little boy with his dick out?

Erm, Le Mannekin-Pis.

Er, designed by Hieronymus Duquesnoy in 1688, I think.

Yeah, I climbed over the railings and got a picture of it pissing in my mouth.

-(BOTH LAUGH) - Wow, you're so vile. I love you.

Well, if someone lends me their toilet paper, I'm anybody's.

There's plenty more where that came from.

-(BOTH LAUGH) -(jORG GRUNTING)

(WHISPERS) Oh, fuck, I keep forgetting there's other people in here.

- Shall we go to your carriage? - Er, no, actually it's better here.

Yeah. It's a right giggle.

It is now you're here.

Mmm, barbeque sauce.

So, erm, how have you found the men from country to country?

Not that I'm implying you're a slag or maybe you are. I don't know?

No, I am. You could say I've covered a lot of ground.

- Ah, OK. Who comes out on top? - Well, that depends,

whether we're in the marshy wetlands or the arid desert.

Can't actually think of a desert in Europe, other than Tabernas in Spain.

No, I meant up the shitter.

Right, good.

Are you much of an explorer?

Er, well, I, er... I can be quite adventurous.

Potholing in Derbyshire was properly intense.

So, you're used to going in pretty deep, then?

Ah, it depends how cavernous we're talking.

- Ooh. -(BOTH GIGGLING)

Fasten your seatbelts, it's gonna be a bumpy ride.

- Ooh. (LAUGHS) -(GASPS)

(YELL5)

- Oh, my God! - What's going on?

(YELLING) He's dead.

KATH: Someone put big light on.

What's going on? Who are you?

I... I was just having a nightcap with, erm, sorry, I forgot your name.

- Shona. - Shona.

When, er, this chap fell out of the sky.

Get out of my way. I'm a doctor.

(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)

I thought he was very quiet.

Is he all right, bud?

- He's dead. - Oh.

Shittington.

He appears to have some sort of lesion or blister on his face.

- Could be erysipelas... - Oh, God, sorry. No, that's, erm, mine.

I'lljust, er, take that for later.

Fingers crossed, eh?

- What do we do? - I'll go and find a guard.

Everyone, stay here. Don't let anyone in or out.

(goueus)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

- What's he say? - I don't know, something about Shrek.

I thought he looked a bit green.

Oh, it was awful. He was staring at me with these horrible glazed eyes.

Sorry, it's just my sex face.

Do you want to come up here, love, out of the way of it?

Yeah, thanks.

Right, well, I better be heading back to first class, so...

Oi, oi, hang on, pal. Hang on.

That fella said we've got to wait here till the guard comes.

Oh, I just didn't want to get... Shirley?

- Shona. - Shona. Shona into, er, any trouble.

Late night romps, etcetera.

Is that what you were doing? In a room full of people?

I'm sure you would have just slept through it.

- You know about that, Kath. -(BOTH LAUGH)

Hey, what's he doing? Hey, hey. What's the idea, pal?

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Here, get your fingers out of him.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Oh, he had grandkids, look.

His poor family. They don't even know yet.

Hey, it's like we're the kids in Stand By Me- Bags I River Phoenix.

Good film.

Couldn't find anybody. All the, er, carriages are closed.

Oh, they're never around when you need them, are they?

There has to be someone, it's not Runaway Train.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

What are you saying? Speak English.

Well, he's proposing we use the emergency stop.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Well, can I do that? I've always wanted to smash one of them.

- Oh, don't cut your hands. - No, I won't.

Cos I'm gonna use one of your shoes.

Eh, I got them from Next.

I haven't got a ticket!

- What? - Can't stop the train,

I don't have a ticket. I'm sort of a stowaway.

(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)

You told me you were in first class.

Sorry, I lied. I'm completely broke.

You bastard! So what, you just hang around the toilets

waiting for an Australian slapper to offer you a bed, is that it?

Yeah, pretty much.

Well, listen, I'm sorry, pal, I'm smashing it.

- Oh. - LES: We've got a dead body here.

Well, I have to declare an interest. Erm, tomorrow morning

I have an interview at the World Health Organization in Geneva.

- What do you want, a round of applause? - Well, if we stop the train,

there will be a major delay and I will miss my appointment,

an appointment that has taken me 18 months to arrange.

- What are you saying here? - Well, this man has been dead

for at least four hours, another three or four will not make any difference.

What, you want to just leave him there?

Well, I propose we put him back to bed, erm, continue the journey without delay

and have the guards find the poor gentleman first thing tomorrow morning.

Oh, that doesn't sound right.

Don't they have to examine the body like a Quincy?

Oh, exactly, yeah. They have to find out the cause of death.

Apparently, when you hang yourself, you get an erection.

Sorry, irrelevant.

Well, there's nothing we can do for him. It's probably a heart attack.

It really would mean the world to me

if we could just finish this journey without interruption.

Sorry, am I going mad here? Are you suggesting we all just bunk up

with a rotting corpse so you can make your interview in the morning?

Yeah, it's ridiculous. Smash the glass, Les.

Right, er...

We have got our Leanne's wedding tomorrow.

I mean, what if he's right and we end up late?

Well, the day-do's not until 12:00, we'll easily make that.

Will we, though? What if they don't let anyone off?

He rolled out of bed dead, it's not Murder on the Orient Express.

Oh, another good film.

I'm fairly confident that if we do alert the authorities,

we both will miss our respective engagements.

Exactly! Look, they'll find him in a couple of hours anyway.

We'll be gone and that's that.

I have to say I agree.

Good. Er, well, I'lljust explain the situation to our German friend

so we're all on the same page.

(GRUNTS)

Oh, come on, Kath. We've come all this way.

We don't wanna let our Leanne down.

Will you give us a minute, please, love?

Sure.

- Do you want a hand? - Are you still here?

Why don't you go back to first class?

Well, I thought now there's a spare bunk going

I might as well get my head down for a couple of hours.

- What? - Oh.

Unless you want to pick up from where we left off?

That's been on a dead man's face. Have some respect.

Sorry. Too soon.

I can't believe what I'm hearing, Les.

I don't know who you are? Who are ya?

Oh, look, I'm just a man

who wants to walk his daughter down the aisle on her wedding day.

Yeah, having slept with a dead body the night before.

Been doing that for the last 25 years. (CHUCKLES)

It was a joke.

Oh, come on, Kath, if that Aussie bird hadn't had screamed,

you'd have slept through it and been none the wiser.

We don't even know who the man is. It's no difference to us.

Imagine if that was you?

Slung in a corner and ignored because it's more convenient for everybody else.

Shame on you, Les Cook!

Yeah, do you not think you're overreacting?

No, I think I've just woken up.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

Is he all right?

Yes, just a little bit compacted, that's all.

Too much beer and bratwurst probably.

That should get him moving again.

Now, I really do think we ought to put the cadaver back where we found it.

Cadaver? He was a human being, you know.

Sorry?

He had a family, he's not a piece of meat.

Ah, yes, of course. Erm, would anyone like to say a few words?

Yeah, I would.

This man was a husband,

a father and a grandfather.

He always had a smile for everyone.

And he had a wicked sense of humour. (CHUCKLES)

Well, I mean, we don't actually know that.

- I'm going by the picture. - Right.

He loved sitting in his green chair, his family all around him.

Yeah, he loved to drink, who doesn't? (CHUCKLES)

But the main thing is...

He was a man.

That's it.

Great.

Ah, good. Well, er, shall we, erm...

(BOTH GRUNTING)

That's it.

Oh! Not my first time handling a stiff. Boarding school.

Oh.

There and that leaves 3 hours and 52 minutes.

Good. Er, could you, um, get the light, please, Mrs, erm...

LES: Cook.

Thank you. Well, good night.

- Shirley, did we decide to... - Fuck off!

OK, right.

(EXHALES)

Hope you don't mind a bit of spooning, pal?

(GRUNTING)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(WHISPERING) Night, Kath. Kath?

You all right?

(SNORING)

It's been a very moving service, even the wedding cake was in "tiers".

(CHUCKLES)

Er, yes, er, Leanne has known Phil for 14 years now,

which is funny because I don't remember her breaking two mirrors.

- Shh! - Oh, soz, mate, soz.

I'm, er, practising me speech.

(BREATHES DEEPLY) Oh, getting a bit nervous.

Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine.

Big day for both of us, eh? What's your interview for?

Pharmaceutical development.

Oh, right.

WHO are offering a sizeable grant

for research into the degenerative effects of angina.

If my bid is chosen, it could be life-changing.

Yeah, that's exactly like me and my decorating.

When I give a quote for, well, back bedrooms, say, I've gotta think,

you know, "What's the other fella coming in at and how can I undercut him

"without looking like a twat?" Do you know what I mean?

Yes, it's similar.

Yeah, well, good luck, pal, I hope you get it.

I'm optimistic.

My Aunty Gladys had acute angina.

Her tits weren't bad either. (LAUGHING)

Hey, do you remember that, Kath? Kath? Where's she gone?

-(BRAKES SCREECHING) -(HORN HONKING)

(GAS PS) Ah h h!

(jORG SPEAKING GERMAN)

-(GRU NTS AND FARTS) - You OK?

Has anyone seen our Kath? She's just disappeared.

- Get him off me! -(SPEAKING GERMAN)

(GRUNTS)

- Er, sorry, love, have you seen me wife? - No, what's happened?

If she stopped this train...

LES: She wouldn't do that.

- What are you doing? -(SPEAKING GERMAN)

- Do you need the toilet? - Someone get him some paper.

Ah, ne/n! (FARTING AND GRUNTING)

- Hold on! - There's something on the tracks.

- Hey, that's our Kath's shoe box. - What is it?

- I can't... Looks like a body. - What? Who?

Is she's jumped, we'll be here for hours.

-(FARTING) - God,no!

- It... It's not her, is it? - I can't see.

Of course it's her. The stupid cow's cost me my job!

Shut up, you! This is all your fault!

OK, keep still. Here it comes.

(DEFECATING)

(GAGGING)

- Stay away from me! - I can see they're bringing it out.

Try and aim away from the dead man's face!

- I can see blood! - So can I!

- Oh, ya bastard! - Leave me alone!

(GROANING)

- We're gonna need a bigger box! - It's... It's a deer.

Les, what's happening?

And what is that smell?

You might need to get some new shoes.

Well, that was just a 32-minute delay. Not too bad at all.

Try saying that to all the little fawns who have just lost their mother.

I'm sorry, I don't speak deer. I'm not Doctor Dolittle.

Well, you are to me.

- Is he OK? - Yeah, he'sjust hosing himself down.

God, that was pretty traumatic.

- Yeah, he must be mortified. - No, I meant for me.

I felt like Augustus Gloop.

- Thanks for lending me the t-shirt. - No worries.

I don't know how I'm gonna get it back to you.

Well, where are you headed to next?

I thought I'd lost you there, Kath.

Don't be daft. I'm not gonna kill myself on day of me daughter's wedding, am I?

You're feeling better about it now?

We've robbed that man of dignity in his final moments

and for that, I will never forgive myself.

You're not gonna say anything, are you?

No. But, after the wedding, I want you to find out who that man was,

where his family live and we're gonna go to the funeral.

- That's what I want. - Right.

Who's paying for that?

Right, well, we're off. Enjoy the wedding.

Oh, thanks, love. Hey, it's at the Pavillion Hotel in Vallandry

if you wanted to pop in for a drink?

Ah, no, I think we're gonna go exploring, aren't we?

Yeah, can't wait to see those valleys.

Is someone going to...

Yes, I'll, er, inform the guard. Nice to meet you.

(INTERCOM CHIMES)

(TRAIN AN NOUNCER SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, er, good luck with your interview.

- Oh, thank you. - I hope you get it.

- Yes. - Yeah.

And if you ever need any decorating doing...

- Ah, yes, I have your card. -(CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello?

- Come on, Les. - Yes.

- MAN: This is Dr Maxwell? - Yes, this is Dr Maxwell.

I'm your driver. I'm at the car park.

Ah, yes, er, we're just pulling into the station now.

Sorry about the delay.

We're also waiting for the other candidate, a Dr Meyer.

He's on the same train.

Really? Oh, well, I'll keep my eye open for him.

See you shortly.

I'm terribly sorry about all this, but there really could ever be

one candidate for this grant. Goodbye, Dr Meyer.

NR6: ja?

(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)

No, no, Dr Meyer was in 9B.

Neun B, I checked.

(CONVERSING IN GERMAN)

Yes, so do I.

Ah, Dr Maxwell! Sehrgut/ (LAUGHS)

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

-/Q_

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

May the best man win! (LAUGHING)