Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

GERRI: Which one of these is the frumpiest?

Hmm?

GERRI: I'm meant to be choosing my outfit for this audition.

She's meant to be a frumpy spinster.

Uh... Well, what you're wearing now is good.

I haven't changed yet. I meant out of these two.

Oh. Uh... The blue one.

Really? Not this one?

Well... Whichever. What are you auditioning for?

D-Day Doris. Ha!

What?

Thought you said "D-Day Doris. ...

I did say D-Day Doris. It's a play about land girls.

It sounds like the kind of shit they tour 'round to old people's homes.

It is. I haven't worked for five months, Tom. Beggars can't be choosers.

Yeah... Speaking of which, have you seen that tramp down there?

Where?

There. Between the parked cars, down there. Look.

I can't see anything. Well, exactly...

What kind of place is that to be begging if no one can see him?

Well, he might not be begging.

He might be waiting for somebody. Of course he's begging.

He's got a polystyrene cup in front of him.

GERRI: Could be a pavement artist. Uh, piss artist, more like.

Yes, well, there but for the grace of God...

What? Saying I could be a tramp?

Don't use that word, Tom! What? Tramp?

Yes! It's insulting. It's like Gypsy or half-caste. You can't say it.

Well, whatever it is, I don't like it. It's weird.

Do you want me to walk you to the Tube?

No. I'll be all right. He's hardly going to attack a spinster named Doris, is he?

How you getting on with your marking? Uh, it's all right.

I'm giving them all a "Wow" stamp

and every fifth one gets a "Brilliant".

Mmm, I think you should be truthful. It matters what you write.

I remember teachers' comments.

If I read all these and marked them all properly, I'd be here all night.

And what would you rather be doing? Staring out the window at your little...

What?

Indigent.

See, you don't know what to call him either, do you?

Tramp's a tramp. I've got to go.

Right. I'm going to walk you to the Tube.

You don't have to. I am!

I love you, Tom.

I need some milk anyway. (SCOFFS)

Hah. Okay, not to worry. Ring me when you get home.

All right? (DOOR BUZZER)

Right, I've gotta go, think my pizza's arrived. Okay.

Yup. Love you. Speak later. Bye!

Hello? MAN: I've got your wallet.

Pardon'? I think I've got your wallet.

I found it outside. Uh...

Okay. Come up.

(BUZZING)

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Sorry, I just found it.

Oh, where was it?

By the shops. Oh. Didn't even know I'd lost it.

It's all there. I didn't take anything.

Oh, no, no, it's just... I've got some dry cleaning in.

And you know what it's like when you can't find your ticket.

I don't do much dry cleaning.

(CHUCKLES) Oh... No.

Uh, well, look. Erm... Thank you. And I want to give you something...

Oh, you don't have to! No, no, I'd like to.

I've only got 205.

Haven't got any change, have you?

I might have a little bit in my cup.

Nah. Nowhere never enough. Uh...

All right, look. I'm gonna give you two 205.

No, that's too much!

Yeah, it is. Ideally, I'd give you 30, but, erm...

Well, you saved me a lot of hassle, canceling cards and...

So, thanks. I'm Migg.

Sorry? My name is

Mick? No, Migg.

Two Gs.

Steady on. I just gave you two 205.

Sorry, do you want them back?

No! I was making a joke about the Gs being like grands.

Anyway, need to close this door because it's freezing outside.

Yeah. Yeah. I know it is.

Of course you do.

Well...

Thanks.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Hello?

Oh. Hi, Tom. It's Migg.

Uh, sorry, who is it?

Migg! I found your wallet.

What, again? No, before. Can I come in?

Uh... I've just got out the shower.

I've brought you a present.

Just, uh, wait a minute!

Uh, how did you get in?

The door was open. Oh.

Here.

I used the money you gave me.

I did have a little nip. I'm sorry.

It's bitter out there tonight.

Oh, is it?

(STAMMERS) Well, I just wanted to say thank you.

What for? I haven't done anything.

It's just nice to talk to a fellow human.

Makes me feel like I exist.

See you, then.

Uh, look... Uh, do you want a quick drink?

Sorry?

Just one for the road. One.

Oh! I suppose so!

Come in.

Thanks.

Oh! Should I take my shoes off?

Uh, if you don't mind.

Uh, actually, fuck it. Leave them on.

That's fine. (LAUGHS) Thank you.

Right. Well, I'll get us some glasses, shall I?

I... Uh... Afraid I haven't got any ice.

Oh, that's all right. I'm cold enough. (CHUCKLES)

(WHISPERS) Yeah. So you keep saying.

Oh, sorry. Should I not sit here? Do you want me to move?

No, no. It's fine, you've done it now.

Best to just contain it.

Ah, here you go. Thanks.

Cheers!

Cheers!

Doing your homework? Yeah. Marking.

Ancient Egypt's come 'round again.

(CHUCKLES)

I've actually got an assembly tomorrow, so I can't stay up too long.

Oh, of course.

MIGG: Mmm...

It must be a rewarding job, though?

Hmm. It's all right.

It's not really what I want to do.

What do you want to do?

Uh... Well, I'm writing a novel, actually.

Really? What's it about?

Well, it's like an English Charles Bukowski.

You wouldn't have heard of him.

I... I know Charles.

Oh, yeah? Which one have you read?

No. I mean I know him. Well, I knew him.

I met him in New York.

Really? Because he was a...

One of you. For a while. (LAUGHS) Yeah.

He took a bit of a shine to me.

I spent a few weeks with him while he was writing his last book. Um...

Pulp? Yeah. That's the one!

Do you know, I've actually never read it?

Well, I've got a copy of it here.

(CHUCKLES)

So...

What was he like?

C.B.? (CHUCKLES) He was an amazing man.

Do you know, he told me such stories.

Such stories.

Tom!

What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at work?

What time is it? It's twenty past ten.

Thought you had an assembly.

Oh, shit. Twelve missed calls.

What have you been doing?

It was Migg. Who?

You know, the guy from across the road.

What? The tramp? Yeah. Don't call him that!

He's met Charles Bukowski. Has he been in the flat?

He's still here, I think. Migg! Don't!

(WHISPERS) I can't believe this.

You invited a tramp in off the street and got pissed with him.

No, it wasn't like that!

He found my wallet, he was being kind.

He's really good anyway,

he's given me loads of really good ideas for the novel.

You wait till you meet him!

I don't want to meet him. Get rid of him!

You better call the school and make your apologies.

You need that job. You're not a writer yet.

Well, at least I've got a job, DJ Doris!

Thank you very much. I got offered the job, so piss off, Tom.

And it's D-Day Doris, actually!

Gerri!

Good morning, Tom! Hope you don't mind, I had a bath.

No. That's fine.

I left the water in, if you want to...

Uh, no, you're all right, thanks.

I'm late for work. I've got to get going.

I'm not being funny, Tom, but is that wise?

I mean it's one thing missing your assembly.

But you might make it worse, if you turn up stinking of booze.

I'd phone in sick if I were you.

Uh, yeah, all right. Well, I'll tell 'em I'll go in just for the afternoon.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

So, who's Gerri? Is he your flatmate?

No, it's my girlfriend. Gerri with an

Ah, the mad actress.

Eh?

That's what you were calling her last night.

Oh, God, I don't remember. Let me make you some breakfast.

I need five eggs and some liver.

Listen, Migg. I think maybe you better be making a move, I...

I've got a lot of marking to do, and Gerri's going to be back later on, so...

Yeah, that's fine, Tom, but I haven't got any clothes.

What?

You put 'em all in a bin bag and threw'em out last night.

Did 1? Yeah...

You said you'd give me some of your clothes,

so I didn't look like such an incident?

I meant indigent. All right, I'll sort some stuff out for you.

There's no rush! Sit down. I'll make us that breakfast, shall I?

MIGG: Right! (SCATTING)

Yeah. I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Right. Three on Kamchatka.

What? Where the hell's Kamchatka?

There. I can bring my infantry over from Alaska.

How? There's a sea lane across the Pacific.

(SCOFFS) What have I got now?

Erm, New Guinea and Iceland.

Yeah. Okay, you know what? You win.

Do you not want to see it through to the end?

It doesn't end. It never ends!

Do you want to play The Settlers of Catan?

No!

I just want to have a bath,

get something to eat, and get ready for school tomorrow.

It's Saturday tomorrow! (LAUGHS) Oh, piss off! You even win the days!

(CHUCKLES)

(MOBILE BEEPS) Mm...

(SIGHS)

I wish Gerri would phone!

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have no messages.

I'd like to meet this Gerri. Yeah. You'd like her.

Tom and Gerri!

Her last boyfriend was called Ben.

I don't get it. Ice cream.

Never mind.

I might get some, actually. Bit peckish. Want anything?

A couple of bottles of red wouldn't go amiss.

Oh, and we're running out of cigarettes.

Ah, all right. Well, I'll see you in a minute.

Okay. Thanks, Tom!

I really appreciate it.

(PHONE RINGING)

(BEEPS)

Hi, this is Tom. Can't get to the phone. Please leave a message.

(BEEPS)

Hi Tom, it's Stevie.

I'm just checking to see you're okay, Jacqui said you'd phoned in sick.

Shame you missed the assembly. They did you proud.

Except instead of saying Tutankhamun, Dylan said "Tooting Common".

(CHUCKLES) Which got a good laugh.

Little Mandy Smith had to run out fora wee during Walking on Sunshine.

Everyone sends their love. I hope you're okay.

I know it's not been easy. Call me, will you?

Anyway, hope to see you Monday. Take care, bye.

Oh, he wasn't in...

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Play message.

Hi Tom, it's Stevie... (BEEPS)

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: Message deleted. You have no messages.

(SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

Well, look who it is!

D-Day Doris finally emerges from the bomb shelter.

Well, he's changed the title. To what?

Lucy Land Girl.

Much stronger.

Can you close the door, please? It's freezing.

Is it true? What?

Stevie said that you've resigned from your job.

Yeah. It was a waste of time. I find it childish.

You're a primary school teacher. Yeah, well, I was.

I'm a writer now. I create things.

Can I open the window, please? It stinks of pumps.

Shoe pumps or bottom pumps?

Both. Look, you can just turn up here

after one week and start running my life for me!

I told you I've been rehearsing in Portsmouth all week.

No, you didn't! Tom, I left you half a dozen messages!

Well, I lost my phone. That's not my fault, is it?

(SIGHS) Look...

I spoke to Stevie. He said that if you go in and speak to Mr. Patterson...

I don't want to speak to Mr. Patterson!

I don't want to work, okay?

Migg's gone to the dole office, gonna get the signing-on forms...

Migg? You mean the tramp?

He's not a tramp. Yeah. Well, he's not now, is he? No.

He's got himself a nice little flat. He's using you, Tom...

Oh, are you jealous 'cause he's nicked your idea?

"Ooh, I'm doing pub theater. I'm doing Lucy Lana' Girl.

"Haven't got much money this week. Can I stay over at yours?

"Oh, can I borrow fifty quid?"

Nice.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Fucking hell.

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have no messages.

Uh, sorry. What was that?

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have no messages.

Oh. No post either. They on strike, you think?

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have no messages.

Hm. Waiting for my giro to come through. Running out of money.

Oh, have I got any messages?

AUTOMATED FEMALE VOICE: You have no messages.

Yeah. Thought not.

(CLINKING)

(SIGHS) My birthday today.

Happy birthday!

Didn't get a single card.

Aw.

Grandma normally sends me one recorded delivery three weeks in advance.

Could have done with that tenner.

Maybe it's in the second post.

Everyone's forgotten about me. I've dropped out of society.

"Pot." Five. (CHUCKLES)

Have a beer! Don't want one.

Well, why don't you do the washing up?

I beg your pardon? If you're so bored...

It's been sitting there for two or three days.

Whose flat is this? I'm only sayin'...

Well, don't say! Twenty nine.

I do do it anyway! With respect, Tom, you don't.

Putting it in some warm water and leaving it

does not constitute doing the washing up.

It has to soak. Not for a fortnight!

At some stage you should take the things out of the mucky, teabag-stained water

and put them on the draining board to dry!

That way... There's no such word as that.

That way, you don't have to start using

your collection of Easter egg mugs from years back

just "cause there's no clean cups left.

Well, why don't you do it, then?

Or are you still using your little polystyrene tramp cup?

There's no need for that! There's every need!

You stank when you first came in here.

You stank like a dirty bag of wet washing.

How much washing up did you do then, Nanette Fucking Newman?

Don't judge me, Tom.

You have no right to judge me.

La? What's "La?"

A note to follow "Soh."

Uh, fuck this!

Aw, thank you, Grandma!

(THEME MUSIC TO THIS MORNING PLAYING)

(DOOR BUZZER)

Hello? MAN: Avon calling.

Can you buzz me in?

Torn! What is that? Designer stubble?

What do you want, Stevie? It's not a good time.

No, I know it's not. I know it's not.

That's why I come bearing Krispy Kremes. And you and I is going to have a chat.

Hm. The life of grime.

So, how are you, Tom?

Haven't seen you in weeks. Bearing up?

Yeah, I'm all right, um...

Not being a Nosey Parker, brackets am, but...

How are you getting on for money?

Well, I just don't want to think about it.

Well, a few of us at the school have had a whip round.

Now, not everyone took part. Naming no names. Linda Price.

And it was up to me to get you something, so I thought,

"What would he rather have, cash or Body Shop vouchers?"

So, I got you...

Cash.

No. Body Shop vouchers.

Oh.

Well, I'll just leave them there.

Don't lose them among the debris. Right.

I'm getting the feeling now you'd rather have had the cash.

No, it's all right. I'll be fine once my benefits start coming through.

In fact Migg says I'll probably be better off.

Migg? Who's Migg?

He's just a friend.

Well, I've never heard of him. Mystic Migg.

What are your plans for tonight?

Uh, nothing.

In that case, why don't you

jump in the shower and I'll take us to Wagamama.

We'll have the chicken katsu curry and fuck the diet.

Me. Not you.

Yeah... I know... It's my treat.

I don't want to.

Well, I can see you're busy.

Promise me you'll phone if you want a chat and that?

Okay. EVE.

And don't forget about those Body Shop vouchers.

They might come in handy.

(IN DISTINCT VOICES)

Migg?

Gerri!

MAN: Hi, Mr. Farris, this is Brian from Eastway Electricity.

just to remind you that as your bill for £126.15 is still outstanding,

and as you haven't replied to any of our messages,

we will have to terminate your supply at 1800 hours.

(SOBBING)

Shit. What's going on?

Have we blown a fuse?

We've been cut off.

Ah, come on, Tom. Have you not paid the bill or something?

Where's my money, Migg?

You said my giro would come.

It will come.

It just takes a little bit of time to process.

Maybe I should take over the rent or the lease or something,

just till your housing benefit comes through.

H ow?

Started a new job today.

A new beginning. What are you doing?

I'm working with kids on an outreach program.

It's going to be so rewarding.

Here. Take this.

Oh, no. This is too much.

I'd like you to have it. You've done so much for me.

(WATER RUNNING)

Ah. You running me a bath?

How thoughtful.

Thanks, Tom.

Tom?

What are you doing sitting in the dark?

We've been cut off. I'm so sorry, Gerri.

I miss you so much. Everything's going wrong.

You can't carry on like this, Tom. I know. Please don't leave me.

I'm not going anywhere.

You need to sort your head out.

You're just in a slump. I know.

Migg says I'll be all right once my benefits start coming through.

Then I can get back to me writing. Tom.

Maybe I could write a play for you to be in. Migg says...

Torn. There is no Migg.

What?

Look around you. There's nobody else here.

Where are his things? (STAMMERS) I threw them out.

Torn. Migg doesn't exist.

It's just you. You've invented him to cope with what's been happening.

No. I haven't. Where is he then?

Show him to me.

He's in the bathroom.

Migg? Migg?

See? Tom, you've been depressed for a long, long time.

You just wanted to give yourself an excuse to leave your job

start drinking and drop out of this life you hated.

I don't! You're not Charles Bukowski.

You're just a primary school teacher who had a nervous breakdown.

I've got to go. I've to put my hair in a bun for D-Day Doris.

I thought it was Lucy [and Girl.

We changed it back.

We'll get through this, Torn.

You just have to be strong.

But Migg... No.

Get this Migg out of your head once and for all.

Love you.

Everything all right, Torn?

And instead of saying, "Bombs, barrage balloons and blackouts",

I came out with, "Bombs, blackout balloons and barrages".

(LAUGHS)

I don't know where it came from.

Tim just looked at me and I could tell he was going to go.

(LAUGHS)

(SIGHS)

Well, this is a transformation.

You look like a new man.

Well, I've got you to thank for that.

I don't know what I'd do without you.

(DOOR BUZZER)

(WHISPERS) Who's that?

Hello? Hi, it's Stevie.

Come up.

It's Stevie.

Hello, stranger!

I'm on a Costa run for my builders, so I thought I'd just scooch round.

You're looking well! Well, well, feel a lot better, thanks.

Ah, that Worzel Gummidge look was doing you no favors.

Now, we are all missing you still. Oh.

They've got that awful supply teacher in,

you know the one who can't say her Ss.

Thit up thraight. That's the one.

We're hoping you might reconsider.

Well, I just... I need a bit more time.

I know you've been through a lot and it hasn't been easy.

But it might do you good to get back to work.

Well, that's what Gerri's been telling me.

Aw...

Come on through, anyway. I'll tell her you're here. Gerri!

Gerri! Where's she gone?

Stevie's here!

Tom...

She was just here.

Gerri died, Tom.

Remember? In the car accident?

No, but I was only just talking to her a second ago.

We all said you came back to work too soon.

I know you loved her very much.

But it's time to let her go, Torn.

She saved me. She saved me from Migg.

(WHISPERS) I'll get you a tablet.

Tom!

Oh. my God!

What have you done?

Oh, that's just Migg.

He's not real.

Come and have a coffee.

Gerri's just putting the kettle on.