Original subtitles

I don't know who you are, but thanks. I'm goin' this way.

You're comin' with us.

Calamity Jane.

All right, boys, wait outside.

Jane, I'm Governor Johnson.

This is commissioner of Indian Affairs, Mr. Emerson,

and his secretary, Mr. Martin.

I'll come right to the point.

We staged that jailbreak.

We wanted it to look as if your friends broke you out.

We have a job for you, Jane. A job which requires absolute secrecy.

How about that point you were comin' to?

A group of white renegades is smuggling guns to the Indians.

We've got to find out who they are

before we have an Indian war on our hands.

Six months ago we sent out two of our best agents.

Their bodies were found horribly mutilated.

We thought we'd send a woman...

A woman who can take care of herself.

Like me, for instance?

Yes, Jane. Like you. We need your help desperately.

What's the price tag on this?

Jane, you're facing a jail sentence of ten years.

You get those men for us,

and we'll give you a pardon... a full pardon.

Gentlemen, I'd like to go on record as saying we can't trust this... this...

Criminal? I think we can.

Here's proof of my confidence.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

Reach.

Thanks for the drink, Governor.

Jane, outside that window, there's no pardon.

Unless you help us, the West will be drenched with the blood of white settlers.

Thousands of lives. Women and children.

You could stand a little practice, son.

I'll take a look at that pardon.

Keep talkin'.

You'll take the stage tonight.

At Fort Deerfield, contact a lawyer named Jim Hunter.

There's a wagon train going west. You'll both join it.

Hunter will pose as your husband.

As man and wife, you'll be lost in the crowd on that wagon train.

You'll get further instructions from Hunter.

We're depending on you, Jane.

I'm depending on you.

And I wouldn't advise you to cross me up, gents.

So she finally agreed to go.

She'll be traveling as a lady, but she's a killer.

A dead shot.

I found that out. We'll get her.

But get her when you're sure she can't beat you to the draw.

Whoa.

Hey!

Mr. Hunter.

Mr. Hunter.

Take a seat over there, deary.

There'll be one ready in a minute.

Now we'll take... If you don't mind my telling you,

it's the one right over... Please. No clues.

You'll spoil all the fun. Pardon me.

"One can detect an ailing tooth by the dull sound when it is struck lightly by a hammer."

Hmm. That seems logical.

Well, here we go, please.

Ah!

Ah, that's it. There's the little doll right there.

Now we'll take... Uh...

Stand by.

"After discovering the ailing tooth,

drill away the decay."

Hmm.

Doesn't seem logical, but I'm game.

Well, now open. Open wide.

This won't hurt us a bit.

Where'd you go?

Ah, steady now. Wide.

Where's the guy who calls himself a painless dentist?

Hey, I've got a tooth that's killin' me.

Sit down. You're next.

I'll sit down.

That's what I say. You're next.

That'll be $2.00, please. Never mind the $2.00.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Hey. Hurry up!

Okay.

Open wide. Ah!

Yeah, that's a happy little dungeon.

Mmm. Mmm.

There's an echo in here.

Well, now... Never mind about that.

When a tooth's no good, pull it.

Please, I'm the dentist. I know what I'm doing.

You know, he's right.

All right. All right. Open wide. We...

Hey. Oh. That's all right.

We'll get right into the important stuff here.

Real wide now. Get something...

I thought you were gonna pull it.

Well, I have to dig a little toehold for the pliers.

This won't hurt us at all. Just...

Nnnnnnnn.

Please, no singing.

Oh. Got a tonsil. I'm sorry.

Ah!

Got hair on the inside too.

- There you are. Nothing to it at all.

Now we're starting to burn a little wood here.

Steady now.

We're getting warm.

There you are. There you are.

Now, if you'll just...

Wha...

Would you mind moving your tongue over a little?

I didn't think you were that tough. Let's see here.

Don't swallow it. Don't swallow it. Don't swallow it, please.

That's funny. I have one just like it. I...

You hungry little thing, you.

Well, so that's what Horace Greeley meant.

I'll be with you in a minute. You got just the kind of mouth I'd like to work on.

Listen, weasel.

I came here to get a tooth pulled. This one.

Oh! The one next to the gold one. Savvy?

I know. We'll find it. Don't worry about a thing.

We'll get to it sooner or later.

I'm a very sensitive man. Don't hurt me.

All right, just relax.

What's that? Oh, it's laughing gas.

That's why they call me Painless Potter.

Is it safe? Safest thing in the world.

Would you mind paying me now?

Come on! The one next to the gold one. Okay.

Ah. That's good.

There you are.

Is it coming through? Yes.

Feel anything?

Must be a leak around here.

There you are.

Is it doing it to you?

Huh?

Bye-bye.

Come on, deary. You're next.

What do you know. I pulled the wrong tooth.

Got the one with the nugget in it.

So you pulled the wrong tooth.

How about that?

I'm gonna give you just 15 minutes to get out of town.

Last town they gave me 20 minutes.

That scooped-nose quack pulled the wrong tooth.

She can't take a bath with her guns on. Come on.

Will somebody come in here and scrub my back!

Put it in number four, Bessie.

Oh!

This is the ladies' side. Come on. Get out of here.

Ooh!

You lookin' for someone?

Who did the shootin'?

Who are they? Never saw them before.

They must be strangers. Look out. Look out.

I wonder who did the shooting.

It's Lance. He's still alive.

- Anybody got any whiskey? - Dad's got some.

Yeah, here. Lance.

Doc, get up. Get up! I must be running out of customers.

I'm pulling my own teeth. Oh, get up, Doc. Hurry.

There's shootin' upstairs. Huh?

Come on and do something. Shootin'?

I'll do something, all right. I'm clearing outta here.

I'm going back East where men may not be men, but they're not corpses either.

I've had enough.

Don't give your right names.

Warm up, kids. We're movin' again.

Federal agent...

joinin'...

wagon train.

Buffalo Flats.

Giddyap. Get me out of this.

Yah!

Wait. I've been chased by women before, but not while I was awake.

I'll take over now. Yeah, you drive a while. Who wants to watch the road?

I'm gonna join that wagon train. Come on!

Head 'em any way you like. What am I sayin'? That's Indian country out there.

You're not afraid of a few Indians, are you?

It's not the Indians I'm afraid of. It's their attitude. They're hatchet happy.

I'm headin' back home. Washington, D.C.

I'm gonna join that wagon train.

Yeah? You can't join 'em without a wagon.

Make up your mind. Are you going with me?

You got yourself a travelin' companion.

Keep traveling.

Boy, can you kiss. Ooh-ooh.

Sorry I had to do that, son, but this is a big job.

There's a wagon train going west.

You'll both join it. Hunter will pose as your husband.

It's not speed that we're interested in. It's secrecy.

As man and wife, you'll be lost in the crowd on that wagon train.

You wouldn't let a girl go on a wagon train alone, would you?

Painless, you're just the man I've been hoping to meet.

Painless, there's something about you that appeals to me.

Wake up, stupid. I'm proposing to you.

I'm in love with you.

I said I'm in love with you.

And I wanna marry you.

What's going on?

Well, sure I'll marry you, dear.

Huh?

I knew the moment your lips touched mine

that we were meant for each other.

Oh, you did? Uh-huh.

Let me hear you say it again. Tell me you'll marry me.

Me?

Tell me you'll marry me.

Oh. The way you kiss, how can I refuse?

I now pronounce you man and wife.

The ring, please.

The wedding ring is a token of the solemn vows you have just taken.

This ring is a symbol of your affection, sincerity and fidelity.

Ah. At last.

And now the kiss.

Not me, you fool! Her!

Well, howdy, folks. Welcome. Uh, what's your handle?

Potter Mr and Mrs painless peter potter I'm Mister ..

Glad to have you with us. Yeah, just make yourselves to home, folks.

Oh, thank you.

I'll unhitch the horses and then we can, uh, talk.

Well, I'll unhitch the horses.

Come on. Let's play hide-and-seek.

Hey, Jimmy, where are you?

Here I am!

Look.

What are you tryin' to do, blow yourself up?

You little... Shut up!

Go on, you kids. Get out of here.

I told you to keep that canvas lashed down tight.

It's a good thing he didn't see it.

Aha. Just as I thought.

That wisdom tooth has got to come out.

He don't look like no federal agent to me.

But that's the wagon that left town right after the killin'.

I can see you 10:30, Tuesday.

Painless.

That's my wife. Filly to you.

From now on I probably won't have a minute to myself.

Painless! Yes?

Oh, what are you doing to that poor girl? You glorious beast.

Yes, darling? Would you loosen my stays a little, honey?

Well, it's not my regular work, but I...

Maybe I can work it out better this way.

Now, you can't do it like that.

Well, it was an idea.

Say, they're rugged, aren't they?

Made of whalebone. Just call me Moby-Dick.

It's a funny thing. We've been married two hours

and this is the closest I've gotten to you.

Well, you're so strong, silent and unapproachable.

You wanna bet?

Tell me something about yourself.

You seem so mysterious.

All I know is that you came from Washington, D.C.

I'm sure there are a lot of things you haven't told me.

I'll unload a little information at a time.

That's the way to keep a girl interested.

Who tied these for you, a sailor?

And another thing.

You never told me why you left Fort Deerfield in such a hurry.

Well, I had a little trouble, but it's all cleared up now.

There. Hey, why worry about my past? Let's work out our future.

That's our man, all right.

Going west in a covered wagon. That's my kind of life.

Blazing new frontiers. Facing danger, privation and death.

Is that my kind of life?

Now, remember, Painless, you promised to love, honor and protect me.

Let's do it in the order named.

Get movin', folks. We'll get a good early start.

The sooner we get past that Indian country, the better.

Indian country. Do we have to go that way?

Now, Painless, I'll be with you.

You're not afraid, are you?

No. I can always get another scalp.

Let's go.

All right, folks. Let's get goin'.

Yahoo! Yahoo!

Yahoo!

Yahoo!

My husband.

We'll take this trail to the right.

Yeah, we better. That one leads deep into Indian country.

Well, let's get goin'. We got a long haul before night. Right.

All right, boys.

♪ A western ranch is just a branch ♪

♪ Of nowhere junction to me ♪

♪ Give me the city where living's pretty ♪

♪ And the gals wear finery ♪

♪ East is east and west is west ♪

♪ And the wrong one I have chose ♪

♪ Let's go where you'll keep on wearin' ♪

♪ Those frills and flowers and buttons and bows ♪

♪ Rings and things and buttons and bows ♪

♪ Don't bury me in this prairie ♪

♪ Take me where the cement grows ♪

♪ Let's move down to some big town ♪

♪ Where they love a gal by the cut o' her clothes ♪

♪ And you'll stand out in buttons and bows ♪

♪ I love you in buckskin ♪

♪ Or skirts that you've homespun ♪

♪ But I love you longer, stronger ♪

♪ Where your friends don't tote a gun ♪

♪ My bones denounce the buckboard bounce ♪

♪ And the cactus hurts my toes ♪

♪ Let's vamoose where gals keep usin' ♪

♪ Those silks and satins and linen that shows ♪

♪ And you're all mine in buttons and bows ♪

♪ Give me eastern trimmin' where women are women ♪

♪ In high silk hose and peekaboo clothes ♪

♪ And French perfume that rocks the room ♪

♪ And you're all mine ♪

♪ Bows ♪

♪ Buttons and bows ♪

♪ Buttons and bows ♪

♪ Buttons and bows ♪

Shh! Can't you see she's sleeping?

Come on. Come on. You're laggin' way behind.

Come on.

First chance I get I'm tradin' you in for a pair of turtles.

Giddyap, Stanislaus. Come on, Clifton.

All you had to do was follow the wagon in front of you.

I think we're going in the wrong direction.

Well, maybe this is a shortcut. Maybe we're way ahead of them. Oh, shut up.

Yes, ma'am.

Well, we can stay in this blockhouse for the night.

We'll get our bearings in the morning.

Night? Morning?

Yes, ma'am.

We're beddin' down here for the night. Take 'em back to the corral.

Hurry. Quickly. Bring your own blankets. Come on.

Come on, Gramps. We'll help you.

Look what I found, Ma.

Oh, Jimmy! Keep your hands off of things!

Hurry up. Get in.

Is it all right in there? It's pretty good.

You kids make up your own beds now.

Come on.

All right, it's the best we can do now.

Gee, it's dark in here. I'm scared.

Put that down, Johnny.

Must be the maid's day off. Hmm.

Looks like a likely spot, Joe.

Hey, kraut face. Ladies first. Then me.

Well, this looks like it.

Alley-oop.

Just think. Someday there'll be a sign on that door:

"Painless Potter slept here."

Well, don't put it up yet.

No, I've got my hands full now.

Tomorrow night you carry me.

Isn't the moonlight romantic?

Yeah. Light the candle. Yeah.

Candlelight's romantic too.

We don't want any dust to blow in.

Painless.

Yes?

Would you get me a drink of cold water, please?

Water? Cold?

Cold water. Well, that adds up.

All right. If I'm not back in three minutes, you'll know I fell in the well.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

It's your husband, darling.

Yoo-hoo!

I'm back, honey.

Got your cold water.

My, you're blushing right down to your little tootsies, aren't you?

Here you are, cuddles.

There you are. I'm sorry.

My, but you're an odd girl.

Gee, I'm glad I picked a wife with a sense of humor.

Uh, is everything all right?

My, but you're a muscular little thing, aren't you?

Those dresses are awfully deceiving.

Smooth. Smooth.

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to tickle you.

Isn't that sweet? You put your hair up in braids.

Oh, that's nice. Come on out, Mrs. Potter.

I know. You're modest. But it's all right.

I'll keep my eyes closed.

Come on, doll.

Oh!

Oh! Now come close to me, wifey.

Come close to me.

Boy, can you kiss.

Wake up.

Oh, good morning, honey. You got up early.

Start movin'. We gotta get out of here. Yeah?

Say, I don't know what happened last night, darling,

but thanks for a lovely evening.

Well, you're sure easy to please.

Boy, I can't get over your kisses.

Whoo-woo.

I think I married a mental case.

Huh.

Huh.

Huh. Must be a Virginia creeper.

Hmm.

Gotta make myself pretty. I owe it to the little woman.

Huh. I'm shaving too close.

Boy, I'm certainly a nervous wreck.

It's an arrow.

Someone had to shoot it. Who shoots arrows?

Cupid? No, it couldn't be Cupid.

William Tell?

No, that's silly. It couldn't be William Tell. No apple.

Huh. Indians.

Yeah. Ind... Could be.

Indians! Indians!

Oh! Wait.

Indians! Wait! Wait!

Fellas, let me in! Open up! Open up!

Look! It's me!

Oh! They wanna make a pincushion out of me! Open up!

Pick up those guns and take care of yourself. Let me in!

You're too young to be a widow! Take care of myself?

Look! There's a million Indians out here against one coward!

I hope they're loaded. I wish I was too.

I got him! I think.

It's a cinch.

There's a pile for you. Oh!

We was wrong about that dentist.

He's doin' some mighty fancy shootin'.

Bad bullet.

Let's keep it neat. Not...

They started it.

How come you got lost? What happened?

I'll tell you what happened! He saved the whole wagon train!

Yeah, he done it by himself. I never saw such shootin'.

Best shot in the West.

He knowed the Injuns was on your trail,

and he decoyed 'em away from the rest of the wagons.

I did? Oh, he's right. That's what I did. I did that.

You're a hero, son. Yeah?

You can have my rifle. Oh, thanks, Dad.

I'll knock off a couple of Indians for you.

Land sakes!

He's got eyes in the back of his head.

Why, darling,

you never said anything about being a dead shot.

I told you I'd give you a little information at a time.

Hey, son, on behalf of the wagon train,

thank you for what you've done.

You saved an awful lot of lives.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to say a few words.

Let's get out of here before them Redskins come back.

Those are the words. Well...

You lead the way, Doctor. Okay.

Nothin' to be scared of now.

You've got the courage of a lion, Doctor.

Brave men run in my family.

Bye! Hurry up, folks. We're off to Buffalo Flats!

Off to Buffalo Flats! Yahoo!

Off to Buffalo...

Our hero.

? Get a man, get a man, get a man

♪ Get a man, get a man, get a man ♪

♪ Get a man, get a man, get a man ♪

- Oh, Mr. Preston. - Come in, come in.

You come at a most inopportune time.

Boss, we've got some pretty important news. Oh, I'm sure you have.

Somehow I can always sense when one of my associates bungles a job.

What have you messed up this time?

There's a new federal agent coming in on the wagon train.

Why did you let him through?

Stranger, I like you.

And I like you, Red.

Pepper! There's Joe!

The next guy that messes around my gal gets the same thing.

Wagon train's here!

Eddie.

Drag the gentleman out.

What's all the excitement out in front?

They're giving a welcome to that guy we told you about.

All right, folks, the biggest hero that this west has ever seen!

- Yes, sir! - Hooray!

Hooray!

Please, please. It was nothing. Anyone could have done it.

Anyone who was strong, courageous and a dead shot.

Is that our fearless federal agent?

Don't let his looks fool you. He's a cold-blooded murderer.

Calls himself a dentist. Painless Potter. But that's just a front.

It ain't gonna be easy to put him away.

He's got eyes in the back of his head. But we can put him away.

Pepper, do you think you could learn to love a dentist?

A short romance? I don't think it'd be too difficult.

Hey, I'd like to be in his shoes.

I wonder what the cowards are doin'.

You and your high heels. May I please shake your hand?

My little boy wants to touch you! Oh, no, no.

Now, easy, girls. Easy. I'm tired.

I've been fighting Indians all day. Oh!

But I may give you a moment later. Don't give up.

You're so wonderful. Oh, he's so handsome.

And keep cheering.

What happened to the band?

We're proud to have you as our guest, sir. Very happy to be here.

Mr. and Mrs. Painless Potter, with baggage.

Mr. and Mrs...

Would you like a boy?

Ooh.

Oh, yes, yes.

Boy. Yes, sir.

Boy? Will you unhitch my horses,

feed 'em some hay and have some for yourself, huh?

Thanks. I never touch the stuff. All right.

Here you are, sir. We're all set, honey.

Room with running water. They got a guy who'll run for it.

Painless, wait. You don't wanna leave all this.

Well, that's all right. I can wave to 'em from the window upstairs.

You're just too modest to understand.

You're a legend now, a hero, a man apart.

Yeah, and we've been apart too long. Come on, honey.

Look outside.

Once that was a forest.

Then it became a trail, then a town.

And some day it'll be a city.

Yeah, that's what I like... progress. And I'm not makin' any.

Some day it'll be a city

with a statue of a great man.

And do you know whose statue it'll be?

Yeah, the guy who invented keys. Let's use it. Come on. No, no.

It'll be a statue of Painless Potter.

Huh?

And under that statue it'll read,

"Painless Potter,

successor to Wild Bill Hickok and Buffalo Bill Cody,

the intrepid hero who saved an entire wagon train

by killing 11 Indians."

Twelve.

So you see, dear, that's why it wouldn't be fair

for me to take you away from these people

and not give them a chance to express their gratitude.

Yeah, I guess.

Hey, wait a minute. What's this all about?

Well, I might as well come clean, Painless.

Our marriage won't work.

You're a hero now, and I'm just a little nobody.

You belong to the people.

This is the end of the road.

We're through. Through?

Mm-hmm. What's going on? You and I just got together...

You might just as well face it, Painless. It's over, that's all.

Oh. Oh, this is great.

This... I give up my career.

I bring you out here on a wagon train and save your life

by killing 13 Indians,

and now you're gonna give me the kiss-off.

Oh!

Well, you're not the only dame.

There are a lot of other fish in the sea, and I'm going out and cast some bait.

Good-bye, Painless.

That's all right, if that's the way you feel.

But I promise you one thing. You'll come crawling back to me on your hands and knees,

and do you think I'll be there?

Good-bye.

I'll show her.

A fine hero. Through.

Hi. Hi.

Hiya. Hi.

Uh, how'd you like a little conversation with a hero?

Why, I'd be tickled to death.

Follow me.

You Hank Billings?

That's what the sign says.

Just came in on the wagon train.

Before I left Fort Deerfield, I saw a friend of yours, name of Hunter.

Jim Hunter.

Seems a shame a man like Hunter getting killed just so you can play cagey.

Hot trip from Fort Deerfield.

Come up and cool off.

Where'd I put my tobacco?

Now I know why they sent a woman.

Yep. You know what you're gettin' into?

You've landed smack-dab right in the middle

of the lowest-down skunk of a scheme

they ever smeared across the West.

Landed feet first too.

That's how you're gonna get carried out of it.

Just skip the big talk.

All right, gal, sit down.

Somebody's runnin' guns into the Indians.

Enough rifles to massacre every white man in the whole territory.

I can't understand why they ain't attacked already.

Maybe they're waiting for this.

Where'd ya get that dynamite?

Two loads came in on the wagon train.

Someone's gonna pick it up, and we gotta find out who.

What's your plan?

Whoever killed Jim Hunter,

found out there was a federal agent after 'em,

but they didn't know who it was.

I steered 'em onto the wrong party.

A husband I picked up in Fort Deerfield, name of Painless Potter.

They'll kill him, sure.

That's right.

They'll think the federal agent's dead.

Then I can operate.

Hi.

Where's the high life around here?

Right over at the Dirty Shame Saloon.

Spread out.

Isn't he a dandy?

He's a humdinger.

Here he comes, folks!

Welcome, welcome.

Gentlemen!

We have a celebrity in our midst.

It's a rare privilege to shake the hand

of the greatest Indian fighter west of the Mississippi.

You can include the East too, son.

Watch it. Watch it. It's my trigger finger.

I'd consider it an honor if you would join me.

Heard you, partner. Heard you.

You were sayin'?

What'll you have, my friend?

Never mind the chaser.

You going to be in town long? How about a dance?

We all want a chance.

Wait a minute. Don't fight over me, gals.

I'll be around a while. Good.

Take it slow. You know this could become habit-forming.

Move in, honey. Don't get shut out. Okay.

Yes, sir. Stand by. I may raffle myself off later.

For me?

♪ This town ain't big enough ♪

♪ The streets ain't long enough ♪

♪ For me to get away from you ♪

♪ Meet ya round the corner 'bout half-past eight ♪

♪ Oh, honey, what we'll do ♪

♪ The West ain't rough enough ♪

♪ The joints ain't tough enough ♪

♪ To keep me from the one I crave ♪

♪ Meet ya round the corner ♪

♪ Now, don't be late ♪

♪ You'll see how I behave ♪

♪ When we're alone, honey ♪

♪ You'll be possessin' ♪

♪ My best caressin' ♪

♪ I'll be your own honey ♪

♪ You're the kind ♪

♪ To make me lose my mind ♪

♪ One kiss ain't strong enough ♪

♪ A kiss ain't long enough ♪

♪ Got to kiss you night and day ♪

♪ Meet ya round the corner ♪

♪ Any old corner ♪

♪ Meet ya anytime you say ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Seein' as you're new here ♪

♪ Soon as I'm through here ♪

♪ I'll kiss ya in my own sweet way ♪

♪ Ho, ho, ho ♪

♪ Meet ya round the corner ♪

♪ Any old corner ♪

♪ Meet ya anytime you say? ♪

You got a cigar on ya, sister?

Come on, handsome. Let's dance.

Take me away.

- It's Joe! - It's Joe!

Don't do it, Joe. This guy's a killer.

What's the trouble, stranger?

I don't like nobody foolin' around my gal.

Yeah, well, I got news for you.

I ain't foolin'.

Now get.

You ain't scarin' nobody.

This town ain't big enough for you and me.

I'll give you till sundown to get out.

That's the usual time, ain't it?

At sundown I'll be out lookin' for you.

I'll be waitin'.

And I'll be lookin'!

He plumb riled me.

Four fingers of Red Eye.

I always feel like a drink before a killin'.

The thumb too.

Nothin' stronger, huh?

The sun's almost down, honey.

Yeah.

This little doll is just itchin' for another notch.

Here, wear this for good luck.

Yeah. But men don't wear these. Oh, yeah. Sure, kid.

Thanks.

Hey, listen. The man that's after you just killed my brother.

Here's a tip.

He draws from the left, so lean to the right.

Son, I'll let you in on somethin'.

Long towards sunset, there's a wind from the east,

so you better aim to the west.

He draws from the left, so lean to the right.

There's a wind from the east, so better aim to the west.

I know this Joe like a book.

He crouches when he shoots, so stand on your toes.

He draws from the left, so lean to the right.

There's a wind from the east, better aim to the west.

He crouches when he shoots, so stand on your toes.

Thanks.

Hey, Mrs. Potter, your husband's mixed up in a gun fight.

Well, that problem's taken care of.

He draws from the left, so stand on your toes.

There's a wind from the east, better lean to the right.

He crouches when he shoots, better aim to the west.

He draws from his toes, so lean towards the wind.

Ha, ha! I got it.

Watch it!

Watch it, watch it.

Better warm up a little.

The wind shifted.

Either way, he wins.

He draws from the wind, so lean when you stand.

No.

He stands on his crouch with his toes in the wind.

No.

Shh!

All right, Potter!

Hey, it's Peter Potter!

Hooray for Peter Potter!

How do ya like that! Tried to fool me. He didn't crouch with the wind.

What's the idea?

I nearly made a mistake.

When you're huntin' a mountain lion, stake out a goat.

Yeah, the lion gets the goat and...

We get the lion.

We'd better get rid of the dynamite.

Get a hold of Yellow Feather.

Now, you try and find out where they're hidin' that dynamite,

and I'll round up our goat.

I'd have got him sooner, but I tripped.

Have a little work for ya. Stick around and I'll make you wealthy.

Hurry, boys, I may have to pose for a statue.

Fooled you that time, didn't I?

I have to be a hero.

Oh, you great big, wonderful man!

I told you my garter would bring you good luck.

Oh, thanks. Lucky thing I had a gun too.

How about a great big smack for Pepper?

Well... It sounds like a good idea.

I don't want anybody foolin' with my man.

I've come back to you, darling.

What's that, stranger?

I didn't realize how much I loved you until I saw how brave you were.

Please forgive me.

Well, you didn't come crawling back on your hands and knees,

but I'll weaken.

You may kiss my cheek.

Shall we go to our room, dear?

That seems fair. My arm, Mrs. Potter.

Nah, over here.

That's my shootin' side.

Be right with you, honey.

There, that ought to take care of the tourists.

Gee, I never thought I'd find a girl who would fight over me.

Boy, when you hit her with that right.

Remember, honey, I'm on your side.

Why, of course, dear. I'm your wife.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot.

Yeah. Come.

Come close to me, wifey.

Oh, that was delightful. Let's try another one, huh?

You poor kid. I'm sorry I had to do that.

What's the matter with me? I must be gettin' soft.

Hank! Guns.

Dynamite.

Undertaker's parlor...

You'll find the men that...

Hank.

Painless.

Painless, wake up. Wake up. Come on.

He crouches when he shoots, so aim to the left.

J... Jane!

Painless, do you love me?

Oh, I'm... I'm yours, body and soul.

Will you do anything for me without asking questions? Naturally, darling.

Well, then, listen carefully.

There's dynamite hidden in the undertaker's parlor.

Someone's gonna come callin' for it tonight.

Go down there and find out who they are.

Easy, gal. Are you trying to get rid of me again?

Please, Painless. I can't tell you why now, but this is important.

You must go. I don't must anything.

Any other girl would be tickled pink to be alone

with a guy who's killed 14 Indians for her, but not you.

Every time we're alone, you try to give me the old heave-ho.

Twenty years of my life... our whole life together depends on this.

Will you go?

And what if I don't, what then?

Well, I couldn't blame you.

All I can say is, that I'm depending on you

more than I've depended on anyone else before ever.

Please.

All right, I'll go.

But it's the last time you'll make a monkey out of me.

You know that statue you told me about?

Well, tell 'em to carve on it, "Painless Potter. Shmo."

I'll be seeing you. You too.

Hey, look! Hey, what's that?

Some other guy you kissed? I'll explain later.

There's no time for questions now.

Please trust in me. Oh, but I don't understand this whole situation.

Please, please. All right, I'm goin'.

Don't get the idea that I'm scared or nervous.

Because I'm not... Wait!

Because I'm not!

Who...

Shh! Shh! Get out of here before I sic a mouse on you.

Shh!

Shh!

Hey, they got dynamite...

Joe.

Fool.

Whoa.

We've got to get this stuff out of here fast.

We're using the dentist's wagon in case there's a slip up.

Come on. Hurry it up.

Take it easy.

Reach, you varmints, or I'll tattoo you the hard way.

Aha! I know all about you and your dynamite.

You were gonna give it to the Indians, huh?

Well, now I'm gonna to take you down to the sheriff's office

and have a little talk about your future, if any.

Now get goin'!

Painless Potter rides again.

Whoo-hoo!

And then I found out that you were captured too.

I'd been meaning to tell you anyway,

and hearing those drums, I figured this was my last chance.

Then it wasn't me that shot all those Indians?

And I didn't even shoot Joe?

And any minute I could've been killed?

Now I worry.

Sayin' I'm sorry is like spittin' in your eye,

and I'm sayin' it.

Me, a hero.

Boy, I couldn't save a clam from a bowl of chowder.

I bet I handed you a lot of laughs.

What a sucker I've been. What a boob.

There ain't low enough words for what I've done to you painless.

There are now. I just thought of a couple of new ones.

All the time I thought you were about the finest thing that ever came into my life.

That's what sticks in my craw.

Painless...

What now?

There's one more thing I gotta tell you.

I gotta tell you that I love you.

What's this, another laugh?

No.

I think you're the kindest, bravest man I've ever known.

Oh, sure.

And I want to tell you this now, because we may not get out of this alive.

Yeah, well, if it hadn't been for you.

Hey. Well, what do you know.

What's the matter?

No stars. Oh!

Hiya! Hiya! Hiya!

Maybe he's...

Hey!

What's the matter, you tryin' to dirty my scalp,

even before you get it?

Whoa!

How.

Not so good.

Me Yellow Feather.

Me chief of tribe.

Me greet Paleface warrior.

Oh! Well, I think you got the wrong person.

She's the...

Yeah. Me very big Paleface warrior.

You strong here.

Yeah, heap big heap.

Paleface more brave than all white warriors.

Oh, thanks. Thanks a lot.

Yellow Feather know you kill 11 his best braves.

Fifteen!

Painless, tell him the truth.

Eleven. That's not what I mean.

Yellow Feather, he didn't have anything to do with this.

I got him into the whole thing.

Let her breathe.

Paleface warrior get much praise.

My tribe make big honor.

Fine!

Yellow Feather, please! No, not that! Not to him!

Huh? How.

Yeah, I'll let you know.

I don't know what he said, but it didn't sound like he was inviting me to a picnic.

What did he say?

I'd rather not talk about it.

Yeah, but I don't like surprises.

Am I gonna get shot by arrows? Burned at the stake?

Boiled in a pot?

Am I getting warm?

Painless, can you take it?

No, but tell me anyway.

Well, with Indians, the bigger hero you are, the greater the torture.

Yeah, but what can they do?

What's left?

Well...

Two trees.

They bend one tree down.

Then they bend the other tree down.

They tie one of your legs to this tree.

Mine?

Then, they tie your other leg to this tree.

Then they cut the ropes.

That's me?

If I were a chicken bone, I could make a wish.

At a time like this he has to be off-key.

Don't pull. You'll get your half.

Yeah, that's your story.

It's time I told you I'm not this brave.

Just think. I'll be traveling east and west at the same time.

Painless! Painless!

Oh, don't worry, honey. Maybe in the next world you'll meet two nice fellas.

Look close. They'll both be me.

Let's be fair.

Wapato, medicine bad.

Shame us with white squaw.

Go.

You not come back!

Oh!

Help!

Help. Help.

I better get goin'.

Jane!

She's still there, and it's up to me to save her.

Hold it, impulsive.

If those Indians grab you, you know what'll happen to you.

And we don't like that, do we?

What are you, a man or a mouse?

I'm not a mouse, and I'm not a man. I'm a dentist.

Yeah, but the girl loves you.

Yeah. Yeah, and I love her too.

But if they get me, my life won't be worth a plugged nickel.

What'll your life be worth without her?

Oh, now don't get sentimental with me.

Let's look at it logically.

If I go back there, those Indians'll part my hair clear down to my toes.

How can that help Jane?

Suit yourself. If you think you can spend those long evenings

just thinkin' about how you might have saved her, it's all right with me.

Aw, stop. Stop. I'll go.

But don't forget I'll always hate you for bein' so stubborn.

Besides, I have to pick up my other boot.

Oh!

How.

Now, would you like to trade?

Clothes? Me take those, huh?

Like that?

Why, you!

I got 'im. I got 'im. Ya-hoo-hoo-hoo!

How. How.

How.

Well, Chief, this completes our part of the bargain.

You bring long rifles, dynamite?

An ample supply. All is in order.

You low-down stinkin' little coyote.

So you're the one I've been lookin' for! Hold her! Hold her!

Well,

that's your federal agent.

What are you gonna to do with her? Burn.

It'll take more than a governor's pardon to save you now.

Rat!

Come. We talk.

Hubby, hubby.

Hubby, hubby.

♪ East is east Please don't crack ♪

♪ This is your hubby Painless ♪

Hubby, hubby.

Medicine Man come back.

Burn him. Burn him with White Squaw.

Hey!

Yeah! Ho-ho.

You don't know what you're doing.

Don't worry. I'll save you.

Who they gonna burn over there? The Medicine Man.

Serves him right for practicing without a license.

Yahoo!

I got 'em fooled, all right.

Yeah, they think you're the Medicine Man they're gonna burn at the stake.

Ya... Ya... Ya...

Me?

Don't move. I'll try to lead 'em away.

Something might work out.

What's the matter with you?

- Why, you crazy Indian! - We're too strong.

Sorry, ma'am.

How.

Didn't I tell you I'd save you?

Boy, it smells like somebody's been cooking cauliflower in here.

Come on. Get out of here.

I'll see you around.

Hey, fellas, wait for me.

Grab a rifle and start shootin'!

Yeah.

Give me one of those guns!

Yes, ma'am.

Take any size you want, honey.

Why, we'll get... Get back. It's not safe.

Yes, ma'am.

They're walkin' right into our trap.

A billiard!

Pretty tricky, those foreigners.

Where's my rifle?

They wanted dynamite, huh? Well, I'll give it to 'em.

Must've been a dud.

Hey, faster! They're gaining on us!

Hey, get up in front!

You're supposed to be pullin'!

Hey!

Jump, Painless! Jump!

If I jump, I'll get killed!

But the dynamite!

Rigor mortis, here I come! Ooh!

Get Martin off that wagon!

That's the last of 'em.

Darn it! There goes my dental diploma.

Here they come now!

Don't get excited. I'll be back in a year or so. Don't worry.

Our hero.

Oh, I'm sorry, Mrs. Potter.

Silly girl.

You gotta expect this kind of thing.

Let's not overdo it. I know I deserve it. But steady, men.

Take it out of the bags, fellas.

Honey, I'll drive. Yeah, you drive and I'll watch.

Finally going on your honeymoon? Am I! Yahoo!

What do you want? A happy ending?