Original subtitles

TOSH.O FEATURES VIDEOS FROM

THE INTERNET AND FOR A AUDIENCE.

ENJOY.

[

♪

A REVERSE NASSAR.

THAT IS WHEN THE PATIENT GETS TO

SEXUALLY ASSAULT THE DOCTOR.

I'VE MISSED HAVING US ON AIR

TOO.

WELCOME FELLOW COVID-19

SURVIVORS.

I'VE DECIDED TO LET YOU INTO THE

TOSH.O BUBBLE FOR ONE HALF HOUR.

SINCE I CREATED THE SEASON OF

MORNING BACK IN JANUARY, I NEVER

IMAGINED WE'D CELEBRATE A

MILLION DEATHS WORLDWIDE.

WAY TO PUT A MOUTH ON IT DANIEL.

TONIGHT YOU PROGRESSIVES WILL BE

HAPPY TO KNOW THE FIRST EVER WEB

LEGEND IS BLACK.

IT SOMETHING IN YOUR HOUSE CAKE.

THE ANSWER MAY SURPRISE YOU.

AND THIS WEEK'S LUCKY SON OF A

BITCH.

NOW LET'S WATCH HER PUT THE HO

IN COVID.

WOULD I LOVE AN AGGRESSIVE DRY

HANDY.

WE SHOULD TREAT ALL OF OUR

FRONTLINE WORKERS WITH THIS

LEVEL OF GOD DAMN RESPECT.

IT IS BETTER TO ASK ALLAH FOR

PERMISSION.

YOU WEARING A MARK ON TOP OF

YOUR BURQA OR UNDERNEATH IT.

BAD NEWS, WE HAVE TO RECEIVER

YOUR HAND FOR DISHONORING YOUR

HUSBAND.

AS SOMEONE WHO GETS TESTED FIVE

TIMES A DAY I KNOW HOW

UNCOMFORTABLE IT CAN BE.

SORRY, I'M JUST SCARED.

I'M JUST CHECKING YOUR

TEMPERATURE.

NURSE/PATIENT CONFIDENTIALITY.

YOU'RE GOOD.

NO FEVER.

YOU APPEAR TO BE RUNNING HOT

TODAY IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

THAT IS RON JEREMY'S PERSONAL

PHYSICIAN SO HE'S USED TO IT.

MOVING ON.

NOBODY WANTS TO TOUCH ANYTHING

THESE DAYS.

IT IS SO LIGHT.

LIKE WE DON'T --

YEP, THE CREPT CDC RECOMMENDS

USING JAZZ HANDS.

THAT IS SO HEAVY.

ROLLING LUGGAGE, HE'D BE DEAD

RIGHT NOW.

IT IS LIKE FINDING A [ BLEEP ]

EARLY IN QUARANTINE.

YOU CAN'T HESITATE.

HE WAS PRESCRIBED OPIOIDS AND

NOW HIS LIFE IS A RESOLVING DARE

OF HEROIN RELAPSES.

IRONY.

I'M A HUGE GERMOPHOBE AND I'VE

PERFECTED OPENING DOORS WITHOUT

USING MY HANDS.

AND JUST LIKE THAT I'VE BEEN

BANNED FROM THE OFFICE OF CHRIS

McCARTHY.

I'M JOKING.

I'VE NEVER MET THE MAN.

I HEAR GREAT THINGS.

OKAY, NO SOCKS, WHITE CROCKS,

YOU KNOW THIS GUY [ BLEEP ].

ARE YOU READY?

IT IS CALLED A DRIVEWAY.

ELIN NORDEGREN DESIGNED THIS

COURSE.

THIS MUST BE ONE OF THE CREEPY

GENDER REVEAL PARTIES WHERE WE

FIND OUT THE SEX OF THE DEAD

BABY IF THE BACKSEAT.

TOO FAR FOR EVEN A LAUGH TRACK.

I SAID CREEPY.

LET'S TAKE ANOTHER LOOK ON THE

KONICA MINOLTA SWING VISION.

FIRST THING YOU NOTICE IS THE

BIZARRE SPINE ANKLE.

THIS KID MIGHT HAVE SCOLIOSIS.

HE NEVER GOES PAST PARALLEL TO A

DANGEROUS DEGREE AT THE TOP AND

LETS HIS HIP FLIES OPEN SO IT

NEVER CATCHES UP WITH HIS HANDS

AND SHOULDERS.

STILL A PRETTIER SWING THAN

BRYSON DeCHAMBEAU.

MAKE SURE PEOPLE KEEP SIX FEET

AWAY FROM YOU.

THE SCONES ARE SO GOOD AT THAT

CAFE, NOT ONE MENTIONED THE GUY

IN THE SUIT CONSTANTLY FIRING A

PISTOL.

THIS IS FROM DAY TWO OF

QUARANTINE.

AND HE'S WHITE TO THE COPS GAVE

HIM A BOTTLE OF WATER AND THANKS

HIM FOR HIS HELP.

NOW THAT ALL MASS SHOOTINGS HAVE

BEEN POSTPONED UNTIL THE NEXT

YEAR.

UNO MAS.

GEEK SQUAD COMING IN HOT.

NOW LET'S WATCH A STUPID MAN TRY

TO STEAL A TV IN THIS WEEK'S

BREAKDOWN.

WELCOME TO BRAZIL, A PLACE I'D

NEVER GO.

HOW AWFUL IT IS IF GISELLE

PREFERRED TO WIN IN TAMPA BAY.

TAMPA IS A SHITHOLE.

DOESN'T HE RECOGNIZE YOU COULD

GET A 65 INCH VIZIO AT COSTCO

FOR $20.

YOU CAN'T RIGHTY TIGHTY, LEFTY

LOOSEY A TV OFF THE WALL.

HIS PARTNER JUST TRIED TO RUN

THROUGH THE WINDOW THAT WASN'T

BROKEN.

NOW THAT'S ON WIND EX FOR THE

STREAK FREE SHINE.

I ASSUME THEY'RE TRY TO BLAME

THIS ON BLM PROTESTERS FOR THE

PROPERTY DAMAGE.

EVERYTHING IS SO SLIPPERY.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE FLOOR HAS THAT

WOP.

A DAMAGED TV SPLIT THREE WAYS.

THIS MUST BE ELLEN'S CRISIS

RESPONSE TEAM.

YOU CAN'T REPLACE A TV HOST IF

THERE IS NO TVs.

WHO WANTS MY THOUGHTS ON ELLEN?

NO ONE.

I DON'T GIVE A SHIT.

NEED TO GET UP ON MY SOAP BOX.

YOU TELL ME ELLEN IS A BITCH.

WHO CARES.

TRY WORKING FOR ME, IF MY

EMPLOYEES COMPLAIN TO THE PRESS

ABOUT HOW MEAN I AM, I'D HAVE

FAMILIES KILLED.

SHE'S YOUR BOSS AND NOT YOUR

BEST FRIEND.

STOP LOOKING AT HER IN THE EYES.

HOUFRM CODDLING DO YOU NEED.

MOVE BACK TO OHIO AND GET A JOB

SELLING DONG RAMS OR SOMETHING.

MABELEN WOULD BE A LITTLE LESS

MOODY IF YOU WROTE BETTER BITS

AND DIDN'T FORCE A SENIOR

CITIZEN TO DANCE LIKE A MORON

FIVE DAYS A WEEK.

WHAT VIDEO WAS I TALKED ABOUT,

[ BLEEP ].

FIRST, LET'S CELEBRATE THE LAST

SUN BURN OF THE SEASON.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

[ APPLAUSE ]

[ APPLAUSE ]

♪

IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY, GOT TO GET

DOWN ON FRIDAY.

EVERYBODY IS LOOKING FORWARD TO

THE WEEKEND ♪

♪ IT WAS THURSDAY, TODAY IS

FRIDAY, FRIDAY

♪ PARTY AND PARTY, AND FUN, FUN

FUN, FUN, LOOKING FORWARD TO THE

WEEKEND.

PERSONALLY I'M MORE OF A

TUESDAY GUY.

NO, YOU'RE NOT WATCHING A RERUN.

IT IS 2020 AND REBECCA BLACK

LIVES MATTER.

SOME ARTIST WORK FOREVER TO GET

IN THE SPOTLIGHT AND OTHERS HAVE

THEIR MOM PAY A SHADY PRODUCER 4

GRAND FOR THEIR DAUGHTER.

WE FEATURED FRIDAY A DECADE AGO

AND IT SPREAD QUICKER THAN JERRY

FALWELL'S CABANA BOY WHILE THAT

CLN WATCHED.

AND GUESS WHAT REBECCA BLACK

BLAMES FOR IT.

ANTIFA?

NO.

YOURS TRULY.

IT IS HARD BEING A 13-YEAR-OLD

GIRL AND EVEN HARDER WHETHER

MIDDLE AGES MEN CALL YOU SHITNEY

SPEARS.

SOMETIMES I'M THE RUN WHO NEEDS

REDEEMING.

BUT WHILE MOST CHILD STARS TURNS

TO DRUG AND ALCOHOL, MY GAL

REBECCA GOT HERS THE RIGHT WAY.

IT IS MEANT TO BE ENJOYED LIKE

THE TORONTO RAPTOR OR CHIPOLTE.

AND NOW THIS FEELS EXACTLY THE

SAME.

WE NEED REBECCA TO REMIND US IF

IT IS FRIDAY, TOMORROW IS

SATURDAY AND SUNDAY COMES AFTER

WORDS.

AND SINCE COMEDY CENTRAL IS

REBOOTING ANYTHING DECADES AGO,

I THOUGHT IF WOULD BE FUN, FUN,

FUN, FUN, TO INVITE REBECCA

BLACK TO BE THE FIRST EVER WEB

LEGEND.

[ APPLAUSE ]

♪

BIG THANK YOU TO ED SHEERAN.

CHEERS MATE.

UP NEXT IN OUR CONCERT SERIES

IS AMERICA'S VIRAL SWEETHEART,

PLEASE WELCOME MISS REBECCA

BLACK.

ARE WE SUPPOSED TO BEG PEOPLE

FOR MONEY WHEN WE HAVE A CONCERT

GOING ON EVERY TWO SECONDS.

HEY.

[ DRUMS ]

TAKE IT DOWN A FEW NOTCHES

YOU BIG GORILLA.

MY APOLOGIES THE TINY DESK

OFFICE BAND IS AMPED TO SEE YOU.

HELLO.

HI.

LET'S START OFF WITH ONE OF

YOUR SONGS, HOW ABOUT CALL ME

MAYBE.

THAT IS CARLY RAE JEPSON.

GINGHAM STYLE.

NO.

HARLEM SHAKE.

WHAT DOES THE FOX SAY, SHALLOW.

YES, THAT WAS ME AND BRADLEY

COOPER.

NO, I'M THE GIRL WHO SANG

FRIDAY.

OH, NOT A FAN.

DO YOU HAVE ANY MUSIC.

YES, I DO.

I JUST PUT OUT A NEW SONG IT IS

CALLED SELF SABOTAGE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR IT.

THAT IS WHAT WE'RE HERE FOR.

♪ WHY DO I GIVE GOOD [ BLEEP ]

THINGS UP RUNNING FROM THE ONES

I LOVE MOST

♪ I STILL SABOTAGE, I SELF

SABOTAGE EVERY LITTLE THING

♪

THAT IS LOVELY.

WHAT ADVICE DO YOU HAVE TO

PEOPLE THAT LISTEN TO SOMEONE

SING?

I ALWAYS GET UNCOMFORTABLE.

IF YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OR WHERE TO STAIR AND YOU

CLOSE YOUR EYES AND I'M RELAXED

AND IF YOU OPEN YOUR EYES, WHERE

AM I SUPPOSED TO STAIR.

I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

WHERE DO YOU WANT ME TO LOOK.

I FEEL LIKE A GOOD MOVE IS A

DOWN AND TO THE RIGHT.

LIKE THIS.

NOW I'M LOOKING AT YOUR LEGS.

THAT IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

IT IS YOUR OWN PERSONAL

MOMENT.

I'M GOING TO LOOK AT YOUR

SHOULDER.

THAT IS BIZARRE.

LET'S TALK ABOUT YOUR BANGS.

ARE YOU OKAY, GIRL?

I'M OKAY.

I'M OKAY.

YOU JUST MADE A POST ON

INSTAGRAM THAT WENT VIRAL.

IT WAS THE NINE YEAR, NOT A BIG

ANNIVERSARY OF ANYTHING.

I POSTED IT.

WERE YOU SURPRISED THAT

BECAME SUCH A POPULAR POST?

YES.

HONESTLY I TRIED TO SAY

SOMETHING DIFFERENT.

DO YOU THINK THAT IS WHY IT

GOT POPULAR OR BECAUSE IT IS

LIKE HOLY SHIT, SHE'S HOT.

BUT FEEL HAVE SAID THAT THE

SAME FIVE YEARS, I HAD THE SAME

BOOKS WHEN I WAS 13.

BUT NOW I STILL DON'T.

WHAT IS YOUR ETHNICITY.

MY MOM IS FROM MEXICO AND I'M

WHITE.

MIXED PEOPLE ARE BETTER

LOOKING THAN EVERYONE ELSE.

YOU LOOK AROUND THIS ROOM, PURE

WHITE, PURE WHITE,UCK.

YOUR WHITE BUT THE SCARF IS A

BIT MUCH.

TAYLOR FANS CALL THEMSELVES

SWIFTYS, TO REBECCA FANS CALL

THEMSELVES BLACKY.

NO.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT IS?

NO.

I'M CURIOUS, WAS IT GOOD FOR

A 13-YEAR-OLD IT HAS TO BE HUGE.

BUY A CAR TYPE OF MONEY.

I DID.

NOT TO REHASH, WHAT WERE SOME

OF THE CRAZY THINGS THAT PEOPLE

WOULD WRITE OUT TO YOU.

EVERYTHING.

PEOPLE ARE REALLY GOOD AT

PINPOINTING THINGS THAT YOU

DON'T LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF THAT

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOU DON'T

LIKE ABOUT YOURSELF UNTIL

SOMEBODY SAID IT.

DO YOU BLAME ME MORE FAKING

PEOPLE AWARE OF THE VIDEO OR DO

YOU GIVE US CREDIT FOR MAKING --

DO GIVE YOU CREDIT.

ALL OF THE TIME.

WE WEREN'T LIKE OH, MY GOD,

THIS IS THE GREATEST SONG IN THE

WORLD.

WE'RE LIKE LOOK AT THIS.

THIS IS INSANITY.

AND SOME OF THE LYRICS ARE

SILLY.

YEAH.

♪

♪ GOT TO MAKE MY MIND UP

♪

SO YOU'RE STILL IN THE MUSIC

WORLD.

I AM WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD

YOU CONTINUE.

WHY NOT.

IF YOU HAVE SOMETHING YOU WANT

TO DO SINCE YOU WERE A BABY,

YOU'RE JUST GOING TO FIGURE IT

OUT FOR YOURSELF.

EVERYBODY HAS THAT, RIGHT.

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DOING

THIS SHOW?

A LONG TIME.

YES.

[ BLEEP ] BUT COMEDY IS

DIFFERENT.

IT IS BY FAR THE MOST

RIDICULOUS.

BECAUSE NO MATTER HOW GOOD YOU

ARE, IT STILL TAKES LUCK,

GATEKEEPERS, BLAH BLAH BLAH.

BUT COMEDY, IF YOU'RE GOOD AT

COMEDY, YOU MIGHT NOT GET A TV

SHOW BUT YOU MAKE A LOT OF

MONEY.

BUT MUSIC IS NOT FAIR.

YOU COULD BE THE BEST BAND IN

THE WORLD AND NOTHING HAPPENS TO

YOU FOREVER.

UNFORTUNATELY MANY INDUSTRIES

ARE LIKE THAT.

NO, JUST MUSIC.

IT IS JUST MUSIC.

EVERY OTHER INDUSTRY IS

NORMAL-ISH.

YOU DIDN'T THINK CHRISTIAN BALE

WOULD GET WORK.

THE GUY IS AMAZING.

YOU WATCH HIM IN A MOVIE AND

YOU'RE LIKE OH, MAN, HE'S GOOD.

DO YOU LIKE CHRISTIAN BALE?

YEAH, YOU DO.

WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE COVER OF

FRIDAY.

I THINK JIMMY FALLON.

♪ YEAH FRIDAY

♪

I WOULD DO IT.

THAT IS WHAT I WOULD SAY TO HIM.

HE WOULDN'T REMEMBER.

HE'S TOO DRINK.

I'M TEASING.

YEAH, I'M NOT.

WHAT DO YOU FEEL WHEN YOU LISTEN

TO FRIDAY NOW?

IT'S CUTE.

YOU HAVE BEEN OUT AND PEOPLE

PLAY IT JUST TO TORTURE YOU.

I WAS IN THE GYM IN A WORK

OUT CLASS AND HE PLAYED FRIDAY

AND I WAS LIKE, PLEASE.

IT HAPPENS TO ME IN SPINS

CLASS.

I PUT ON MY COMEDY ALBUMS ON

SOUL CYCLE, I'M LIKE, COME ON

GUYS, PLAY THE NEXT TRACK, I

LIKE IT BETTER.

HOW COME FRIDAY'S THE RESTAURANT

NEVER GAVE YOU AN ENDORSEMENT.

THAT IS A GREAT QUESTION.

I'M NOT A BIG FAN SINCE THEY

SWITCHED FROM TGI FRIDAYS.

AND YOU KNOW WHY THEY TOOK IT

OUT --

BECAUSE OF GOD.

YEAH.

AND [ BLEEP ] STUPID IN THE

SOUTH.

IS THAT RESTAURANT USING GOD'S

NAME IN VAIN.

WE'RE GOING OVER TO BENIGGANS.

I UNDERSTAND YOU HAVEN'T

PERFORMED FRIDAY IN OVER 13

YEARS.

THAT IS NOT TRUE.

HERE TO PERFORM "FRIDAY",

LIVE OR NOT FIR TIME IN OVER 13

YEARS, TAKE IT A WAY REBECCA

BLACK.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

♪ IT'S FRIDAY, FRIDAY

♪ EVERYBODY IS LOOKING FORWARD

TO THE WEEKEND, PARTY AND PARTY

AND PARTY FUN, FUN, FUN, LOOKING

FORWARD TO THE WEEKEND

♪ YESTERDAY WAS THURSDAY.

TODAY IT IS FRIDAY

♪ WE'RE SO EXCITED.

WE'RE SO EXCITED, I DON'T WANT

THIS WEEKEND TO END ♪

[ DRUMS ]

♪

THANK YOU FOR COMING IN,

REBECCA.

SURE, .

SEE YOU AT THE BIG 19 YEAR

ANNIVERSARY.

SINCE WE SHOT THAT SHE

PUBLICLY CAME OUT.

GLAD I INSPIRED HER WITH MY

FLUID SEXUALITY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

BUT FIRST THERE IS ALWAYS

SOMETHING GROSS COMING OUT OF

CHINA.

[ APPLAUSE ]

♪

[ LAUGHTER ]

IF THIS PANDEMIC HAS TAUGHT

US ANYTHING, IT IS THAT BAKING

IS VERY EASY AND EVEN YOUR LAME

GIRLFRIEND CAN DO IT.

CALL ME ON OLD-FASHIONED RACIST

BUT I THINK A CAKE SHOULD LOOK

LIKE A CAKE.

LET'S SETTLE IT WITH A GAME OF

IS IT CAKE?

AH.

AH.

AH.

THAT IS A BIG CAKE.

MUST BE SOMEBODY'S WEDDING

TODAY.

WHY IS THIS CAKE SO THIN?

THAT'S MY PAYCHECK.

NICE TRY.

WANT A SLICE?

AH.

OKAY, THIS TIRE IS DEFINITELY

CAKE.

NOT REAL LIKE THE OTHER THREE.

GET BACK HERE CAKE.

DAMN, THAT IS A FAST CAKE.

THERE HAS GOT TO BE CAKE IN

THERE.

OBVIOUSLY THE OUTER SHELL ISN'T

CAKE.

BUT IF I COULD GET THIS DEEP

ENOUGH, I THINK I'LL HIT CAKE.

FINALLY SOME REAL CAKE.

APPLE PIE!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANY

MORE.

AM I CAKE?

I'M SAD TO REPORT, I AM NOT A

CAKE.

BUT I AM A CERTIFIED SNACK.

IT IS NOT JUST BAKING.

EVERYONE IS DOING A LOT MORE

COOKING AT HOME THESE DAYS SO

HERE IS THE TOSH.O QUARANTINE

KITCHEN TIP OF THE WEEK.

♪

WHAT?

AH.

MY CORN HOLES THAT A SPIRALIZER

IN IT.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH MORE

TOSH.O ON COMEDY CENTRAL.

[ APPLAUSE ]

WELCOME BACK TO THE ONLY TV

SHOW THAT PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE

BEEN ON THE AIR THIS WHOLE TIME.

NEXT WEEK, I SOIL MYSELF WITH

THIS GORGEOUS GARDNER.

NOT WHETHER YOU WATER YOUR

PLANT ROTATE, LIKE YOU ROTATE ON

THAT DICK TO GET EVEN SUNLIGHT

AND IS IT DOESN'T GROW IN ONE

DIRECTION OR LEAN TO THE SIDE.

THAT IS YOUR TIP FOR THE WEEK.

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK ON GARDENING,

BITCH.

I CAN'T WAIT TO USE MY

HILARIOUS HORTICULTURE JOKES NOT

TO BE CONFUSED WITH MY BOTANY

MATERIAL.

FOLLOW ME ON THE FOUR MAJORS OF

SOCIAL MEDIA.

THESE ARE FINAL EPISODES ON

COMEDY CENTRAL AND JUST BECAUSE

I MAY BE MOVING ON TO ANOTHER

NETWORK DOES NOT MEAN I DON'T

LOVE CC.

AND TO PROVE IT, WE'RE GOING TO

PAY TRIBUTE TO SOME OF MY

FAVORITE EXECUTIVES THAT HAVE

MADE TOSH.O THE LONGEST RUNNING

WEEKLY LIVE ACTION SHOW IN

NETWORK HISTORY.

FIRST UP, KENT ALTERMAN, THE

BARACK OBAMA OF COMEDY CENTRAL.

I LOVE THIS GUY.

JUST GETS COMEDY.

OKAY.

HAS A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH

TALENT.

ONE TIME HE LOST A BUNCH OF

WEIGHT IN A MONTH AND WE ALL

THOUGHT HE HAD AIDS.

BUT REALLY HE JUST STARTED

BIKING TO WORK.

THANKS FOR EVERYTHING, KENT.

NOW THIS WEEK'S LUCKY SON OF A

BITCH.

OH, MOM WAS A SHOE STRING

AWAY FROM FINDING OUT HOW MUCH A

3 FOOT CASKET COST.

THIS KID IS ONE LUCKY SON OF A

BITCH.

HOLOGRAM, DISENGAGE.

GOOD NIGHT.

♪

♪