Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:01:38,000 --> 00:01:41,000
- We shouldn't be doing this, Dex.
- Trust me. It's going to be over soon.
2
00:01:54,000 --> 00:01:56,000
There's Ed.
3
00:02:01,000 --> 00:02:03,000
Hey!
4
00:02:03,000 --> 00:02:07,000
- Bill, this is my wife, Beth.
- Nice to meet you.
5
00:02:07,000 --> 00:02:09,000
Dex, you remember Bill?
Back at the seminar?
6
00:02:09,000 --> 00:02:12,000
Yeah, yeah. Good to see you.
7
00:02:12,000 --> 00:02:14,000
Would you excuse me for a second?
8
00:02:14,000 --> 00:02:16,000
- Sure.
- Don't leave without saying good-bye.
9
00:02:16,000 --> 00:02:18,000
- I won't.
- All right.
10
00:02:35,000 --> 00:02:37,000
Chris?
11
00:02:39,000 --> 00:02:43,000
I almost didn't recognize you.
Looks like you put on one or two pounds.
12
00:02:43,000 --> 00:02:46,000
Yeah, one or two hundred.
13
00:02:46,000 --> 00:02:48,000
Wow.
14
00:02:48,000 --> 00:02:53,000
I think it's-- Wow.
It's cool that you became a priest.
15
00:02:53,000 --> 00:02:55,000
Do you mind?
16
00:02:55,000 --> 00:02:58,000
Oh, yeah, sorry, man.
17
00:02:58,000 --> 00:03:01,000
I thought about being a priest.
Maybe not Catholic, like Episcopalian.
18
00:03:01,000 --> 00:03:03,000
They can have sex.
19
00:03:03,000 --> 00:03:07,000
I'm really not comfortable
talking here.
20
00:03:07,000 --> 00:03:11,000
Right. I want to say
that it's cool you get to...
21
00:03:11,000 --> 00:03:13,000
hang out with God all day.
22
00:03:13,000 --> 00:03:17,000
I don't exactly hang out with God.
23
00:03:17,000 --> 00:03:20,000
I teach. I counsel.
I work with the homeless.
24
00:03:20,000 --> 00:03:22,000
Yeah, absolutely.
25
00:03:23,000 --> 00:03:27,000
I think it's great that you do
God-related activity all day long.
26
00:03:32,000 --> 00:03:34,000
- Moral turpitude?
- Yeah.
27
00:03:34,000 --> 00:03:37,000
Would ever consider being a priest.
28
00:03:37,000 --> 00:03:40,000
Actually, I was accepted
to divinity school.
29
00:03:41,000 --> 00:03:42,000
Really? So what happened?
30
00:03:43,000 --> 00:03:45,000
Like St. Augustine said...
31
00:03:45,000 --> 00:03:49,000
" Lord, give me chastity and virtue,
but not just yet."
32
00:03:49,000 --> 00:03:52,000
I guess some people never change.
33
00:03:52,000 --> 00:03:55,000
- Take care.
- All right.
34
00:03:59,000 --> 00:04:01,000
Oh, my God.
35
00:04:01,000 --> 00:04:04,000
I can't believe how much weight
he's gained.
36
00:04:04,000 --> 00:04:06,000
I can't believe you went out with him.
37
00:04:06,000 --> 00:04:09,000
He wasn't fat then.
38
00:04:09,000 --> 00:04:12,000
He could be really nice sometimes.
39
00:04:13,000 --> 00:04:14,000
- Nice?
- Yeah.
40
00:04:14,000 --> 00:04:17,000
You slept with him, didn't you?
41
00:04:18,000 --> 00:04:20,000
I might have.
42
00:04:21,000 --> 00:04:24,000
I have a confession to make.
43
00:04:24,000 --> 00:04:27,000
- Oh, my God.
- You're kidding.
44
00:04:36,000 --> 00:04:39,000
- What are you doing?
- He's hiding.
45
00:04:39,000 --> 00:04:41,000
- From who?
- From everyone.
46
00:04:41,000 --> 00:04:46,000
Maggie, you were right.
No one noticed I gained any weight.
47
00:04:46,000 --> 00:04:49,000
Come on, Dex.
You were the King here.
48
00:04:49,000 --> 00:04:53,000
- You were Elvis.
- Yeah, well, now I'm fat Elvis.
49
00:04:53,000 --> 00:04:55,000
Hey, babe, what's goin' on?
50
00:04:55,000 --> 00:04:57,000
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
51
00:04:57,000 --> 00:04:58,000
You're welcome.
52
00:05:03,000 --> 00:05:05,000
- Long Island iced tea, please.
- Sure.
53
00:05:14,000 --> 00:05:16,000
All right. I have to confess.
54
00:05:17,000 --> 00:05:21,000
I don't know exactly what that is.
I'm not really a bartender.
55
00:05:21,000 --> 00:05:24,000
- I am actually a student here.
- Really? What are you studying?
56
00:05:24,000 --> 00:05:27,000
- Philosophy, religion.
- Cool. No problem.
57
00:05:27,000 --> 00:05:33,000
A Long Island iced tea is like
a survey course in world religions.
58
00:05:33,000 --> 00:05:34,000
We're starting with the Far East.
59
00:05:35,000 --> 00:05:38,000
You get Hinduism. You get Taoism.
60
00:05:38,000 --> 00:05:41,000
You get Buddhism, Confucianism.
61
00:05:41,000 --> 00:05:43,000
We get Zoroastrianism.
62
00:05:43,000 --> 00:05:45,000
Did you know Zoroastrians
consider dogs the equal of men?
63
00:05:45,000 --> 00:05:48,000
- I know I do.
- Good answer.
64
00:05:48,000 --> 00:05:51,000
Then you get Islam...
65
00:05:51,000 --> 00:05:55,000
and the sweet twins
of Judaism and Christianity.
66
00:05:55,000 --> 00:05:59,000
Then we come, voil�, to the lone
contribution of Western Civilization...
67
00:05:59,000 --> 00:06:02,000
the Coca-Cola.
68
00:06:02,000 --> 00:06:04,000
And bubble it altogether.
69
00:06:04,000 --> 00:06:07,000
Voil�. Long Island iced tea.
70
00:06:08,000 --> 00:06:11,000
So does this type of thing usually
work on young philosophy students?
71
00:06:11,000 --> 00:06:14,000
I don't know.
Did it work on you?
72
00:06:18,000 --> 00:06:21,000
Even though I try so hard
Try so hard, I do
73
00:06:21,000 --> 00:06:25,000
Even though I try so hard
Try so hard, I do
74
00:06:25,000 --> 00:06:29,000
If I could only wish
I make you rock harder
75
00:06:29,000 --> 00:06:33,000
If I could only wish
I make you rock harder
76
00:06:35,000 --> 00:06:37,000
It's something I hate
77
00:06:38,000 --> 00:06:42,000
You're so 1988
78
00:06:42,000 --> 00:06:45,000
It's always something I hate
79
00:06:45,000 --> 00:06:48,000
You're so 1988
80
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:53,000
So 1988, oh, yeah
81
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:00,000
- That was so great.
- Thanks.
82
00:07:00,000 --> 00:07:02,000
- That was so great.
- Thanks.
83
00:07:02,000 --> 00:07:05,000
Dex, do you know Syd?
Syd, this is Dex.
84
00:07:05,000 --> 00:07:07,000
Actually, no, we haven't met. Hey.
85
00:07:07,000 --> 00:07:10,000
Actually, we have.
86
00:07:11,000 --> 00:07:14,000
Really? Oh, yeah.
87
00:07:15,000 --> 00:07:16,000
Wait.
88
00:07:19,000 --> 00:07:22,000
We were in
Bennet's Kierkegaard class.
89
00:07:23,000 --> 00:07:25,000
- Are you sure?
- Pretty sure I was there.
90
00:07:25,000 --> 00:07:28,000
-Really?
-Must have made a big impression on you.
91
00:07:28,000 --> 00:07:32,000
I never listened to anybody
but myself in that class.
92
00:07:32,000 --> 00:07:35,000
- Man--
- Yeah, I remember that.
93
00:07:37,000 --> 00:07:39,000
- Hey, Jeremy!
- What's going on?
94
00:07:39,000 --> 00:07:42,000
- I wondered if you'd be here.
- I hoped you'd be here.
95
00:07:42,000 --> 00:07:46,000
Do you guys know Jeremy?
Maggie, Rick, Dex.
96
00:07:46,000 --> 00:07:48,000
- This is Dex.
- How are ya?
97
00:07:50,000 --> 00:07:52,000
I'm getting a refresher.
Anyone want anything?
98
00:07:52,000 --> 00:07:54,000
- I'm cool.
- Okay. Cool.
99
00:08:00,000 --> 00:08:04,000
Bye. Okay, I'll see you guys later.
100
00:08:05,000 --> 00:08:08,000
Torture's over. We're going.
101
00:08:08,000 --> 00:08:10,000
Thank God.
102
00:08:11,000 --> 00:08:13,000
- It wasn't so bad, was it?
- Oh, God.
103
00:08:13,000 --> 00:08:16,000
- You'll live to tell.
- Why did I come?
104
00:08:16,000 --> 00:08:20,000
I'm going to be here on the 25th.
I'm going to camp out for 15 and wait.
105
00:08:20,000 --> 00:08:24,000
- You're not making it 25 years.
- See you tomorrow.
106
00:08:26,000 --> 00:08:28,000
- Dex?
-Jill?
107
00:08:28,000 --> 00:08:30,000
Hey! What's up?
108
00:08:30,000 --> 00:08:35,000
- Tell me how you've been.
- I've been really good.
109
00:08:35,000 --> 00:08:36,000
- How have you been?
- Good.
110
00:08:36,000 --> 00:08:41,000
- Have you become the Speaker of the House yet?
- No actually, I'm a forensic anthropologist.
111
00:08:43,000 --> 00:08:44,000
- Whoa.
- Yeah.
112
00:08:50,000 --> 00:08:53,000
Peanut, peanut butter
113
00:08:53,000 --> 00:08:54,000
Now we jump up and down.
114
00:08:57,000 --> 00:09:00,000
Scream it out this time.
Peanut, peanut butter
115
00:09:00,000 --> 00:09:03,000
- You're fat.
- Oh, great.
116
00:09:03,000 --> 00:09:06,000
Thanks for noticing.
117
00:09:06,000 --> 00:09:08,000
Thank you.
118
00:09:57,000 --> 00:09:59,000
Yeah. Nice.
119
00:10:01,000 --> 00:10:04,000
Oh, yeah!
120
00:10:06,000 --> 00:10:09,000
That was beautiful!
121
00:10:10,000 --> 00:10:11,000
Great shot!
122
00:10:11,000 --> 00:10:13,000
You kissed that like
you kiss your mama.
123
00:10:13,000 --> 00:10:16,000
- Very Steve.
- Soft and sweet.
124
00:10:16,000 --> 00:10:18,000
Can I borrow your truck
for a few days?
125
00:10:18,000 --> 00:10:21,000
- What happened to your motorcycle?
- It's got a broken infarculator.
126
00:10:21,000 --> 00:10:23,000
Hate when that happens.
127
00:10:23,000 --> 00:10:26,000
They say it's going to take ten years
to get a new part.
128
00:10:26,000 --> 00:10:28,000
Can I borrow it or not?
129
00:10:28,000 --> 00:10:30,000
- I don't know.
- Why not?
130
00:10:30,000 --> 00:10:34,000
Syd's staying with us for a few weeks.
We said she could use the truck.
131
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:37,000
Syd? Wait. How am I
supposed to get to work?
132
00:10:37,000 --> 00:10:38,000
Walk.
133
00:10:38,000 --> 00:10:42,000
Yeah, man, you can walk.
134
00:10:42,000 --> 00:10:44,000
So, Dave, I hear you got a honey
lined up this weekend.
135
00:10:44,000 --> 00:10:48,000
Bro, I'm so full on amped
about this chick, man.
136
00:10:48,000 --> 00:10:51,000
- You're already dead in the water.
- He's right.
137
00:10:51,000 --> 00:10:55,000
- You're roadkill.
- What are you guys talking about?
138
00:10:55,000 --> 00:10:58,000
- Do you want to have sex with her?
- Definitely.
139
00:10:59,000 --> 00:11:01,000
Then you're violating
the first rule of being Steve.
140
00:11:01,000 --> 00:11:04,000
- Who?
- Learn to eliminate your desire.
141
00:11:05,000 --> 00:11:07,000
- It's Buddhist.
- I think the Taoists said it first.
142
00:11:07,000 --> 00:11:10,000
Are we going to have a seminar,
or are we going to play golf?
143
00:11:10,000 --> 00:11:12,000
Just a short seminar on
the elimination of desire, okay?
144
00:11:12,000 --> 00:11:16,000
If you're out with this girl and even
think about getting laid, you're finished.
145
00:11:16,000 --> 00:11:19,000
'cause women can smell an agenda
like shit on a shoe.
146
00:11:19,000 --> 00:11:24,000
Are you saying I have a better chance of
getting laid if I try not to get laid?
147
00:11:24,000 --> 00:11:27,000
It's kind of like a Zen koan.
148
00:11:31,000 --> 00:11:33,000
What's a Zen koan?
149
00:11:33,000 --> 00:11:36,000
I'm serious. What's a Zen koan?
150
00:11:37,000 --> 00:11:38,000
Look at me, okay?
151
00:11:38,000 --> 00:11:40,000
Technically I shouldn't be
getting laid, but I do.
152
00:11:40,000 --> 00:11:42,000
Do you know why, Dave?
153
00:11:42,000 --> 00:11:46,000
Because when I'm hanging out with a woman,
that's all I'm doing is hanging out...
154
00:11:46,000 --> 00:11:47,000
talkin', listenin'.
155
00:11:47,000 --> 00:11:50,000
I'm not thinking about
how to get in bed with her.
156
00:11:50,000 --> 00:11:53,000
This completely confuses them,
because they're saying...
157
00:11:53,000 --> 00:11:58,000
"Wait a minute . I'm so much better looking
than this guy. Isn't he attracted to me?"
158
00:11:58,000 --> 00:12:02,000
The basic principle: We pursue that
which retreats from us.
159
00:12:02,000 --> 00:12:05,000
- It's from Heidegger.
- Groucho Marx said the same thing.
160
00:12:05,000 --> 00:12:10,000
Act like a woman can't join your club,
and she'll do almost anything to get in.
161
00:12:19,000 --> 00:12:21,000
You've got so many great books.
162
00:12:21,000 --> 00:12:24,000
Better to seduce you with.
163
00:12:24,000 --> 00:12:26,000
What?
164
00:12:26,000 --> 00:12:29,000
All the better
to deduce the truth with.
165
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:35,000
Those were great margaritas.
166
00:12:35,000 --> 00:12:38,000
My last date we had pizza
and a six-pack.
167
00:12:38,000 --> 00:12:41,000
Whoa, Julie, I don't know
if I'd call this a date.
168
00:12:41,000 --> 00:12:42,000
Really?
169
00:12:42,000 --> 00:12:46,000
Dating is so tricky. That's all.
I mean, you're really cool.
170
00:12:46,000 --> 00:12:49,000
You have a great personality.
I just don't want to--
171
00:12:49,000 --> 00:12:51,000
I just don't want to mess up
our friendship.
172
00:12:51,000 --> 00:12:54,000
Friendship? We just met.
173
00:12:54,000 --> 00:12:57,000
Better safe than sorry.
174
00:14:10,000 --> 00:14:14,000
- What are you doing?
- Gluing.
175
00:14:16,000 --> 00:14:20,000
Okay. What are you gluing?
176
00:14:23,000 --> 00:14:25,000
I'm going to have
to go with cardboard.
177
00:14:25,000 --> 00:14:29,000
Do the glue and cardboard
together have a larger purpose?
178
00:14:29,000 --> 00:14:31,000
Do they need to have
a larger purpose?
179
00:14:32,000 --> 00:14:34,000
Maybe I need them
to have a larger purpose.
180
00:14:34,000 --> 00:14:37,000
Okay, then for you,
it's a model of a set I'm doing.
181
00:14:38,000 --> 00:14:40,000
Okay. A set of steak knives?
182
00:14:40,000 --> 00:14:44,000
A set of Julie Andrews plates
on the Bradford Exchange?
183
00:14:44,000 --> 00:14:48,000
Set, as in stage, job, opera.
184
00:14:48,000 --> 00:14:51,000
Oh, my God. I get it!
You're the set designer for the opera!
185
00:14:51,000 --> 00:14:53,000
You're good.
186
00:14:53,000 --> 00:14:56,000
We've got to talk about that truck.
187
00:14:56,000 --> 00:14:59,000
Oh, yeah, actually,
I made a schedule on my computer.
188
00:14:59,000 --> 00:15:02,000
- Oh, well, how Marcia Brady of you.
- Oh, thank you.
189
00:15:04,000 --> 00:15:07,000
I think I should get the car on Tuesdays and Thursdays
since you don't work those days.
190
00:15:07,000 --> 00:15:10,000
- I do other things.
- I'm sure you do.
191
00:15:10,000 --> 00:15:15,000
Anyway, you go to work at 7:45
and get off at 3:00, correct?
192
00:15:15,000 --> 00:15:17,000
- Aye, Captain.
- Okay.
193
00:15:17,000 --> 00:15:20,000
I go to work at 8:00
and get off at 4:00.
194
00:15:20,000 --> 00:15:23,000
So either you drop me off at 7:30,
so you can get to school on time...
195
00:15:23,000 --> 00:15:25,000
in which case I have to wait around
for half an hour or--
196
00:15:25,000 --> 00:15:29,000
Or you drop me off at 7:45, meaning
I have to wait around for an hour.
197
00:15:29,000 --> 00:15:31,000
I suggest we alternate
every other day to be fair.
198
00:15:32,000 --> 00:15:35,000
We should really alternate
every second day to be fair...
199
00:15:35,000 --> 00:15:38,000
because you only wait half an hour
and I have to wait for a full hour.
200
00:15:44,000 --> 00:15:47,000
Or every other day is cool.
201
00:15:47,000 --> 00:15:49,000
Great.
202
00:15:50,000 --> 00:15:53,000
Great, now that's settled--
203
00:15:57,000 --> 00:16:01,000
I wanted to say that...
204
00:16:01,000 --> 00:16:04,000
I'm really sorry I didn't
recognize you at the reunion.
205
00:16:04,000 --> 00:16:06,000
Don't worry about it.
206
00:16:06,000 --> 00:16:10,000
So when did you start banging
on the old skins?
207
00:16:10,000 --> 00:16:12,000
When I was nine.
208
00:16:12,000 --> 00:16:15,000
I wanted to be one of
Josie and the Pussycats.
209
00:16:15,000 --> 00:16:17,000
Josie and the who?
210
00:16:17,000 --> 00:16:18,000
Oh, my God.
211
00:16:18,000 --> 00:16:21,000
You're kidding, right?
212
00:16:24,000 --> 00:16:28,000
Tricked you. I had Josie and
the Pussycats stickers on my lunch box.
213
00:16:28,000 --> 00:16:30,000
- No way. Me too.
- Hold on.
214
00:16:30,000 --> 00:16:34,000
- I bet you don't remember the Bugaloos.
- Oh, my God!
215
00:16:35,000 --> 00:16:38,000
I'm sorry. It's just that nobody I know
remembers the Bugaloos. I love them!
216
00:16:39,000 --> 00:16:42,000
How can you not love a British rock band
consisting of four teenage bumblebees?
217
00:16:45,000 --> 00:16:49,000
- What's this?
- Well, Dex is cooking us dinner.
218
00:16:49,000 --> 00:16:50,000
Oh, yeah?
219
00:16:52,000 --> 00:16:55,000
- Mango mahimahi?
- How'd you know?
220
00:16:57,000 --> 00:17:00,000
- Can I talk to you a second?
- I'm blanching the butter.
221
00:17:00,000 --> 00:17:02,000
Okay, Martha Stewart,
when you're done.
222
00:17:05,000 --> 00:17:07,000
Will someone please
watch the butter for me?
223
00:17:14,000 --> 00:17:18,000
- Mango mahimahi?
- What about it?
224
00:17:18,000 --> 00:17:20,000
Your life isn't complicated enough,
sleeping with a married woman?
225
00:17:20,000 --> 00:17:23,000
Now you got to start
hitting on my wife's friend?
226
00:17:23,000 --> 00:17:26,000
I mean, she's staying
at my house, guy.
227
00:17:26,000 --> 00:17:30,000
So this is about you
and your comfort level?
228
00:17:30,000 --> 00:17:34,000
I'm sorry.
You're not here to hit on Syd?
229
00:17:34,000 --> 00:17:37,000
Dude, I came over to make a schedule.
230
00:17:39,000 --> 00:17:44,000
All right, look.
Just don't pull a Steve on Syd.
231
00:17:44,000 --> 00:17:47,000
Don't worry about it, man.
232
00:17:47,000 --> 00:17:48,000
All right.
233
00:17:49,000 --> 00:17:53,000
But I think seriously most people
want a composite of the opposite sex.
234
00:17:53,000 --> 00:17:56,000
You gals aren't ever going
to find Antonio Banderas...
235
00:17:56,000 --> 00:17:58,000
with the personality
of Fred MacMurray.
236
00:17:59,000 --> 00:18:02,000
I'm never going to get Raquel Welch
with the personality of Lucille Ball.
237
00:18:02,000 --> 00:18:06,000
- What's wrong with just Lucille Ball?
- What's wrong with just Raquel Welch?
238
00:18:06,000 --> 00:18:10,000
Amen! My biggest fear is that
I'm going to marry the woman...
239
00:18:10,000 --> 00:18:13,000
I want to hang out with
and talk to in my golden years...
240
00:18:13,000 --> 00:18:15,000
but I'd die in some fiery car crash
when I'm 40...
241
00:18:16,000 --> 00:18:18,000
and then I miss all those good years
of having sex.
242
00:18:18,000 --> 00:18:20,000
So don't get married.
243
00:18:20,000 --> 00:18:23,000
Barring some terrific advance
in medical science...
244
00:18:23,000 --> 00:18:26,000
that would allow you to splice
Lucille Ball with Raquel Welch...
245
00:18:26,000 --> 00:18:28,000
what do you look for in a woman?
246
00:18:28,000 --> 00:18:30,000
Low standards.
247
00:18:30,000 --> 00:18:33,000
- She'd have to be thin.
- You wouldn't date a heavy woman?
248
00:18:33,000 --> 00:18:36,000
- No way.
- I am a faddist. I admit it.
249
00:18:36,000 --> 00:18:40,000
I'm the worst kind of faddist.
I'm a fat faddist.
250
00:18:40,000 --> 00:18:41,000
Scandalous.
251
00:18:41,000 --> 00:18:43,000
Would you ever date a fat guy?
252
00:18:44,000 --> 00:18:45,000
Sure, I would.
253
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:47,000
Have you?
254
00:18:50,000 --> 00:18:54,000
- No.
- I rest my case.
255
00:18:54,000 --> 00:18:57,000
But you've never been happy
with any women you've dated.
256
00:18:57,000 --> 00:18:59,000
That's male insanity syndrome.
257
00:18:59,000 --> 00:19:03,000
You're with a woman
and no matter how cool she is...
258
00:19:03,000 --> 00:19:06,000
you're always thinking,
"Maybe I could do a little better."
259
00:19:06,000 --> 00:19:08,000
- Maybe I could trade up somehow.
- Trade up?
260
00:19:10,000 --> 00:19:13,000
Don't look at me. I think you're
the sun, the moon and the stars.
261
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:15,000
Dex is just bitter
because he's never been in love.
262
00:19:15,000 --> 00:19:18,000
I love my dog.
263
00:19:18,000 --> 00:19:20,000
Very moving.
Very happy for you.
264
00:19:22,000 --> 00:19:26,000
- Hi, guys. Am I early?
- We should get going. We'll be late.
265
00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:31,000
- Where are you going?
- To hear friends of mine in a band.
266
00:19:31,000 --> 00:19:34,000
Don't forget tomorrow, 7:30,
I'll pick you up.
267
00:19:34,000 --> 00:19:36,000
7:30 sharp.
268
00:19:37,000 --> 00:19:39,000
Bye. See you guys.
269
00:19:41,000 --> 00:19:43,000
- See you later.
- Bye.
270
00:19:53,000 --> 00:19:55,000
Hey!
271
00:19:55,000 --> 00:19:57,000
Clearly I'm going
to need my own transportation.
272
00:19:57,000 --> 00:20:00,000
I'm almost ready. Come on in.
273
00:20:04,000 --> 00:20:08,000
- Oh, guys. Matt, this is Syd.
- Hi.
274
00:20:08,000 --> 00:20:09,000
Chris, Syd.
275
00:20:09,000 --> 00:20:12,000
- Dave, Syd.
- Hi.
276
00:20:12,000 --> 00:20:15,000
Come kick back in here.
I'm just going to change real quick.
277
00:20:22,000 --> 00:20:25,000
Astro, this is Syd.
278
00:20:25,000 --> 00:20:28,000
Astro, you want the ball?
Want the ball?
279
00:20:28,000 --> 00:20:31,000
- Go get the ball.
- Cute.
280
00:20:31,000 --> 00:20:33,000
One second.
281
00:20:52,000 --> 00:20:55,000
Would you describe this
as a typical morning for you?
282
00:20:56,000 --> 00:21:01,000
Hell no. Usually I spend
this time cross training.
283
00:21:02,000 --> 00:21:04,000
So you smoke pot for breakfast.
284
00:21:05,000 --> 00:21:08,000
You work part-time and you--
285
00:21:08,000 --> 00:21:10,000
Have limited potential?
286
00:21:10,000 --> 00:21:15,000
No, just the opposite.
You were the smartest guy in school.
287
00:21:15,000 --> 00:21:18,000
Oh, yeah, but now?
288
00:21:18,000 --> 00:21:22,000
- I don't know. Don't you ever--
- What? Don't I ever what?
289
00:21:22,000 --> 00:21:26,000
- Nothing. It's none of my business.
- Really. Whatever. Don't I ever what?
290
00:21:28,000 --> 00:21:32,000
Don't you ever want
to do more with your life?
291
00:21:32,000 --> 00:21:36,000
Like climb a tree,
learn a foreign language?
292
00:21:37,000 --> 00:21:40,000
Or-- I don't know--
get a full-time job?
293
00:21:41,000 --> 00:21:44,000
Doing stuff is overrated.
Like Hitler, he did a lot.
294
00:21:44,000 --> 00:21:46,000
But don't we all wish he would have
just stayed home and gotten stoned?
295
00:21:46,000 --> 00:21:50,000
I see. So your only options
are to get stoned or commit genocide?
296
00:21:51,000 --> 00:21:56,000
Lao-tzu said, "The sage, because
he does nothing, never ruins anything. "
297
00:21:56,000 --> 00:21:59,000
That sounds like a life
full of passion and excitement.
298
00:21:59,000 --> 00:22:04,000
Buddha said, "Passionlessness
is the best of virtues."
299
00:22:04,000 --> 00:22:08,000
And the Pillsbury Doughboy said,
"Eat me when you're ready."
300
00:22:08,000 --> 00:22:09,000
Did he really?
301
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,000
I wanted to see
if you were listening...
302
00:22:11,000 --> 00:22:13,000
or if you were giving me
bullshit slacker routine.
303
00:22:13,000 --> 00:22:16,000
Why is it that the good
old-fashioned America slacker...
304
00:22:16,000 --> 00:22:19,000
gets no respect for his detachment,
but the Buddhist monk does?
305
00:22:19,000 --> 00:22:22,000
Somehow I don't think your detachment
is the same self-willed...
306
00:22:22,000 --> 00:22:24,000
self-disciplined detachment
of the Buddhist monk.
307
00:22:24,000 --> 00:22:28,000
What do you think? You think all
Buddhist monks are like the Dalai Lama?
308
00:22:29,000 --> 00:22:32,000
You don't think there are guys in Nepal
who are, like, "What should I do?
309
00:22:32,000 --> 00:22:36,000
Should I carry packs of heavy shit for
Westerners to the top of the base camp of Everest?
310
00:22:36,000 --> 00:22:41,000
Or should I stay down here in Kathmandu and chant all day
and check out chicks and pretend to be holy?"
311
00:22:41,000 --> 00:22:45,000
Why is everything cooler
when it happens in a foreign country?
312
00:22:45,000 --> 00:22:47,000
- Why, Zach, why?
- Because!
313
00:22:47,000 --> 00:22:51,000
Because. Because. Period.
The face of the Buddha.
314
00:22:52,000 --> 00:22:55,000
The Buddha belly.
Would you like to rub the belly?
315
00:22:56,000 --> 00:22:58,000
No! God! Don't rub.
You'll hit. Okay.
316
00:22:58,000 --> 00:23:02,000
- So I'll pick you up around 4:30?
- No, I have a ride today.
317
00:23:02,000 --> 00:23:05,000
So don't worry about it.
Today's cool.
318
00:23:34,000 --> 00:23:37,000
Do you want to make love?
319
00:23:41,000 --> 00:23:44,000
- What's wrong?
- Nothing. It's--
320
00:23:47,000 --> 00:23:49,000
I'm sorry. It's just that phrase.
321
00:23:49,000 --> 00:23:51,000
What? What phrase, making love?
322
00:23:51,000 --> 00:23:54,000
It just reminds me of that...
323
00:23:54,000 --> 00:23:58,000
incense you buy at convenience stores
with this airbrushed couple.
324
00:23:58,000 --> 00:24:01,000
I mean, I'm sorry.
325
00:24:03,000 --> 00:24:05,000
What?
326
00:24:05,000 --> 00:24:08,000
If I wasn't married,
would you still be with me?
327
00:24:09,000 --> 00:24:12,000
- But you're married.
- Yes, but let's say I was single.
328
00:24:12,000 --> 00:24:16,000
- You're not single.
- I've been thinking about leaving Ed.
329
00:24:17,000 --> 00:24:19,000
But I, you know, I, I--
330
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:23,000
I just don't get it. I've been
hanging out with girls my whole life.
331
00:24:23,000 --> 00:24:26,000
You'd think I'd understand them
by now, right?
332
00:24:27,000 --> 00:24:31,000
- Your sisters don't count.
- Very funny, man.
333
00:24:33,000 --> 00:24:38,000
I'm serious, if you hang out with women as friends,
you're doing your research in the wrong library.
334
00:24:38,000 --> 00:24:40,000
What's wrong with being friends
with women?
335
00:24:40,000 --> 00:24:45,000
Nothing! But getting out of that category of friend
is harder than getting out of Alcatraz.
336
00:24:45,000 --> 00:24:48,000
You told me not to be lustful.
337
00:24:50,000 --> 00:24:51,000
Yeah.
338
00:24:53,000 --> 00:24:57,000
It doesn't make any sense. I'm not
supposed to come on to a girl, right?
339
00:24:57,000 --> 00:24:59,000
But I'm not supposed
to be her friend either?
340
00:24:59,000 --> 00:25:04,000
Back up. In this particular instance,
were you desireless?
341
00:25:04,000 --> 00:25:07,000
Man, I tried,
but she was just so hot.
342
00:25:08,000 --> 00:25:11,000
Dude, you didn't make
a pass at her, did you?
343
00:25:11,000 --> 00:25:13,000
Sort of. I sort of made a move.
344
00:25:13,000 --> 00:25:16,000
I put my hand
over there or something.
345
00:25:16,000 --> 00:25:20,000
- What happened?
- She said she felt it was too soon.
346
00:25:20,000 --> 00:25:24,000
of course she did! You've got
to learn to hang out with a woman...
347
00:25:24,000 --> 00:25:27,000
without groping her
within the first ten minutes.
348
00:25:27,000 --> 00:25:30,000
This takes us to the second rule
of being Steve.
349
00:25:30,000 --> 00:25:32,000
You have to do something excellent
in her presence...
350
00:25:32,000 --> 00:25:35,000
thus demonstrating
your sexual worthiness.
351
00:25:35,000 --> 00:25:38,000
Something excellent.
352
00:25:38,000 --> 00:25:42,000
Yeah, man. You can't just say,
"Hey, I'm Dave. I like smoking pot.
353
00:25:42,000 --> 00:25:45,000
I like reading the sports page
on the john. Want to have sex with me?"
354
00:25:45,000 --> 00:25:48,000
What if you're not excellent
at anything?
355
00:25:48,000 --> 00:25:51,000
-Then you got a bigger problem picking up women.
-Come on, I'm serious!
356
00:25:51,000 --> 00:25:54,000
I'm pretty serious too.
Everybody's good at something.
357
00:25:54,000 --> 00:25:56,000
Figure out what
you're excellent at.
358
00:25:57,000 --> 00:25:59,000
I'm an excellent camper!
359
00:25:59,000 --> 00:26:03,000
Wonderful, but you can't camp
in front of a chick.
360
00:26:04,000 --> 00:26:06,000
What are you excellent at?
361
00:26:11,000 --> 00:26:13,000
These cards-- These cards suck.
362
00:26:15,000 --> 00:26:17,000
But...
363
00:26:18,000 --> 00:26:21,000
I'm going to put in two crayons.
364
00:26:23,000 --> 00:26:25,000
Cool! I have an ace.
365
00:26:25,000 --> 00:26:30,000
How are you doing, buddy?
You got something up your sleeve, pal?
366
00:26:30,000 --> 00:26:32,000
- Now what?
- What now?
367
00:26:32,000 --> 00:26:38,000
Well, what now is that we show everybody
what we got and we see who wins.
368
00:26:38,000 --> 00:26:39,000
Cards down.
369
00:26:41,000 --> 00:26:45,000
That's good. That's very good.
You got two pair.
370
00:26:45,000 --> 00:26:49,000
And that's very good,
but I've got three kings.
371
00:26:50,000 --> 00:26:54,000
- Crayons! I win all the crayons!
- No, I win all the crayons.
372
00:26:54,000 --> 00:26:56,000
I win all the crayons!
373
00:26:56,000 --> 00:26:59,000
I hate people who gloat, but--
374
00:27:00,000 --> 00:27:02,000
The winner. I get your crayons
and your crayons and your crayons.
375
00:27:02,000 --> 00:27:05,000
There's a lady at the door.
376
00:27:05,000 --> 00:27:06,000
- Where?
- Right there.
377
00:27:06,000 --> 00:27:10,000
- Hi, lady at the door!
- Hi, lady at the door!
378
00:27:10,000 --> 00:27:11,000
Hi, guys.
379
00:27:11,000 --> 00:27:14,000
- Do you wanna play?
- Sure. Thanks.
380
00:27:15,000 --> 00:27:17,000
Well, come on down.
Bring your crayons.
381
00:27:22,000 --> 00:27:24,000
You sure you don't mind
giving Corey a ride?
382
00:27:24,000 --> 00:27:26,000
Oh, God, don't be silly.
383
00:27:26,000 --> 00:27:31,000
Actually, I was thinking of going to Baskin-Robbins,
but you probably don't want to go.
384
00:27:31,000 --> 00:27:32,000
What?
385
00:27:32,000 --> 00:27:35,000
Baskin-Robbins! Ice cream!
386
00:27:38,000 --> 00:27:40,000
You know when
your mom makes sloppyjoes...
387
00:27:40,000 --> 00:27:43,000
and she puts all the sloppy stuff
in the middle of the bread...
388
00:27:43,000 --> 00:27:45,000
and it spills out everywhere?
389
00:27:45,000 --> 00:27:48,000
I feel like the sloppy stuff.
390
00:27:48,000 --> 00:27:49,000
Anybody want a kiss?
391
00:27:51,000 --> 00:27:53,000
An ice-cream kiss.
392
00:27:53,000 --> 00:27:55,000
- What's that?
- Let me show you.
393
00:27:58,000 --> 00:28:02,000
See. Now you can taste my ice cream,
and I can taste yours.
394
00:28:02,000 --> 00:28:04,000
- Chocolate.
- Cool.
395
00:28:04,000 --> 00:28:05,000
This is cool.
396
00:28:05,000 --> 00:28:09,000
Can I have a kiss?
397
00:28:11,000 --> 00:28:13,000
An ice-cream kiss!
398
00:28:16,000 --> 00:28:18,000
The Three Musketeers!
399
00:28:21,000 --> 00:28:23,000
- Bye!
- Bye, buddy.
400
00:28:25,000 --> 00:28:30,000
Shoot! I left some work at the opera.
Do you mind if we swing by so I can pick it up?
401
00:28:30,000 --> 00:28:32,000
- No problem.
- Okay.
402
00:28:40,000 --> 00:28:43,000
- Wow.
- It's pretty cool, huh?
403
00:28:43,000 --> 00:28:45,000
It's very cool.
404
00:28:49,000 --> 00:28:52,000
Sorry. Sorry. I got it.
405
00:29:02,000 --> 00:29:03,000
Avastye, walk the plank.
406
00:29:04,000 --> 00:29:06,000
Who is this, Cortez?
407
00:29:06,000 --> 00:29:09,000
That's Don Giovanni.
408
00:29:11,000 --> 00:29:13,000
Hence, the opera.
409
00:29:13,000 --> 00:29:16,000
Did you know Kierkegaard
was obsessed with Don Giovanni?
410
00:29:16,000 --> 00:29:18,000
- That makes sense.
- Really? Why?
411
00:29:19,000 --> 00:29:22,000
Because Don Giovanni
was this seducer.
412
00:29:22,000 --> 00:29:24,000
Kierkegaard wrote a lot
about seduction.
413
00:29:25,000 --> 00:29:26,000
He wrote Diary Of A Seducer.
414
00:29:27,000 --> 00:29:29,000
He wrote different essays
on things.
415
00:29:29,000 --> 00:29:34,000
He said philosophy was-- I'm trying
to sound smart now, so just stop me.
416
00:29:35,000 --> 00:29:37,000
- You do that a lot, don't you?
- Yes, I do.
417
00:29:37,000 --> 00:29:39,000
It usually works
with weak-minded women.
418
00:29:40,000 --> 00:29:44,000
But clearly a superior intellect
like yours doesn't fall for it.
419
00:29:44,000 --> 00:29:46,000
Okay.
420
00:29:46,000 --> 00:29:47,000
Bye.
421
00:29:50,000 --> 00:29:53,000
So what did Kierkegaard
have to say about Don Giovanni?
422
00:29:53,000 --> 00:29:55,000
He talked about faith.
423
00:29:55,000 --> 00:29:58,000
- In God?
- In other people.
424
00:29:58,000 --> 00:29:59,000
Elaborate.
425
00:30:00,000 --> 00:30:02,000
You know about his fianc�e, right?
426
00:30:02,000 --> 00:30:03,000
- Regine Olsen.
- Right.
427
00:30:03,000 --> 00:30:06,000
He was afraid once
she got to really know him...
428
00:30:06,000 --> 00:30:09,000
his whole dark side and everything
that she wouldn't love him anymore.
429
00:30:09,000 --> 00:30:11,000
That's where faith comes in,
because you've got to say...
430
00:30:11,000 --> 00:30:15,000
even though I'm afraid this person is
gonna hurt me, is going to reject me...
431
00:30:15,000 --> 00:30:19,000
I'm going to make a leap of faith
and love this person, but he couldn't do that.
432
00:30:19,000 --> 00:30:22,000
What does this have
to do with Don Giovanni?
433
00:30:22,000 --> 00:30:24,000
Don Giovanni slept with
thousands of women...
434
00:30:24,000 --> 00:30:27,000
because he was afraid
he wouldn't be loved by one.
435
00:30:46,000 --> 00:30:48,000
Here's a leap of faith for you.
436
00:30:48,000 --> 00:30:51,000
Do you want to go out sometime?
437
00:30:51,000 --> 00:30:53,000
My friend's having a pool party
this weekend.
438
00:30:55,000 --> 00:30:57,000
I don't think it's a good idea.
439
00:30:59,000 --> 00:31:01,000
Okay.
440
00:31:01,000 --> 00:31:03,000
Okay. All right. Bye.
441
00:31:59,000 --> 00:32:00,000
Hey.
442
00:32:00,000 --> 00:32:02,000
Could you make sure
Carmen sees these?
443
00:32:02,000 --> 00:32:05,000
Sure. What about the meeting
with Steve Ramsey?
444
00:32:05,000 --> 00:32:08,000
- Canceled. I'm going home.
- Good night.
445
00:32:43,000 --> 00:32:45,000
Are you hungry?
446
00:33:06,000 --> 00:33:08,000
- Shit.
- Is that him?
447
00:33:21,000 --> 00:33:22,000
Beth?
448
00:33:24,000 --> 00:33:26,000
I'll call you.
449
00:33:28,000 --> 00:33:32,000
- Sorry I'm late.
- Yeah, yeah. Just pay in, Steve.
450
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:36,000
Thanks, Steve.
All right. Thanks, guy.
451
00:33:36,000 --> 00:33:40,000
Why does he always get a "Hey, Steve,"
and all I get is a "Hey, guy"?
452
00:33:40,000 --> 00:33:42,000
What is this Steve shit anyway?
453
00:33:42,000 --> 00:33:46,000
It has to do with that stuff I was
telling you about picking up women.
454
00:33:46,000 --> 00:33:49,000
- Who's Steve?
- Steve.
455
00:33:49,000 --> 00:33:52,000
Steve is the prototypical
cool American male.
456
00:33:52,000 --> 00:33:57,000
Steve McGarrett, all right?
Steve Austin, Steve McQueen.
457
00:33:57,000 --> 00:34:00,000
He's the man on his horse,
the guy alone.
458
00:34:00,000 --> 00:34:03,000
He has his own code of honor,
his own ethics, his own rules of living.
459
00:34:03,000 --> 00:34:07,000
He never ever tries to impress
the women, but he always gets the girl.
460
00:34:08,000 --> 00:34:11,000
- So who is Steve McGarrett?
- Are you joking?
461
00:34:19,000 --> 00:34:22,000
Okay, man, okay.
462
00:34:22,000 --> 00:34:26,000
Hawaii Five-0, man. I get it.
Who's Steve Austin?
463
00:34:27,000 --> 00:34:32,000
Oscar, it's Steve!
She's breaking up!
464
00:34:37,000 --> 00:34:40,000
It's breaking up!
465
00:34:41,000 --> 00:34:44,000
Yeah, Six Million Dollar Man, okay.
466
00:34:44,000 --> 00:34:47,000
But the ultimate Steve
is Steve McQueen.
467
00:34:51,000 --> 00:34:53,000
Dude, The Great Escape, man.
The Great Escape.
468
00:34:53,000 --> 00:34:56,000
The Nazis are after him.
He's on the Bimmer, and he's--
469
00:34:56,000 --> 00:34:58,000
He looks up and he comes up
on the hill, and there's the big fence.
470
00:34:58,000 --> 00:35:01,000
The Nazis are going--
Come on, dude--
471
00:35:01,000 --> 00:35:04,000
So anybody who's
named Steve is a Steve.
472
00:35:04,000 --> 00:35:08,000
Steve's not a name.
Steve is a state of mind.
473
00:35:08,000 --> 00:35:12,000
It's a way of living.
Like James Bond is a Steve.
474
00:35:12,000 --> 00:35:15,000
Like Spider-Man is a Steve.
475
00:35:15,000 --> 00:35:19,000
- Michael Jordan is a Steve.
- Touch�, right?
476
00:35:19,000 --> 00:35:21,000
So if I'm not a Steve,
then what am I?
477
00:35:21,000 --> 00:35:23,000
You're a--
478
00:35:24,000 --> 00:35:27,000
You're a Stu.
479
00:35:29,000 --> 00:35:31,000
What's a Stu?
480
00:35:32,000 --> 00:35:33,000
No, come on. What's a Stu?
481
00:35:34,000 --> 00:35:36,000
Don't look at me, man.
482
00:35:36,000 --> 00:35:38,000
It's the opposite of Steve.
483
00:35:38,000 --> 00:35:41,000
Dex doesn't want to insult you.
He just can't help it.
484
00:35:41,000 --> 00:35:43,000
Just think Barney Fife,
Gomer Pyle.
485
00:35:43,000 --> 00:35:45,000
Jughead.
486
00:35:46,000 --> 00:35:49,000
I'm the opposite
of everything that's cool?
487
00:35:49,000 --> 00:35:52,000
- Don't take it personally.
- Fuck you, man!
488
00:35:52,000 --> 00:35:55,000
You guys are all Steves,
and I'm Gomer-fucking-Pyle, man!
489
00:35:55,000 --> 00:35:59,000
- Screw you guys. Screw you all.
- Come on, Dave.
490
00:35:59,000 --> 00:36:01,000
Go to hell, bro.
491
00:36:04,000 --> 00:36:06,000
He'll be all right.
492
00:36:23,000 --> 00:36:26,000
What's that piece of shit
right there?
493
00:36:26,000 --> 00:36:29,000
Syd's under the impression
it's a motorcycle.
494
00:36:32,000 --> 00:36:34,000
- Does it run?
- No.
495
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:37,000
But she still thinks
she's going to ride it to work.
496
00:36:37,000 --> 00:36:41,000
Wait. She'd rather ride that
than deal with me?
497
00:36:41,000 --> 00:36:43,000
Maybe she's sick of being late.
498
00:36:44,000 --> 00:36:48,000
- Do we have any plans Friday?
- No. Why?
499
00:36:48,000 --> 00:36:51,000
Syd just invited us
to her opening night.
500
00:36:53,000 --> 00:36:56,000
No offense, but guys--
501
00:36:56,000 --> 00:36:57,000
Guys don't do opera.
502
00:36:58,000 --> 00:37:00,000
Jeremy's going.
503
00:37:00,000 --> 00:37:03,000
Have you ever noticed how at
the beginning of a relationship...
504
00:37:03,000 --> 00:37:06,000
a guy will do just about anything
with his girlfriend because...
505
00:37:06,000 --> 00:37:10,000
the thought of seeing her naked gets him
excited about going to the opera.
506
00:37:10,000 --> 00:37:13,000
A, he's not my boyfriend,
and B, maybe he likes opera.
507
00:37:14,000 --> 00:37:19,000
I'm going to tell you two things.
A, he is, and B, he doesn't.
508
00:37:19,000 --> 00:37:21,000
- Let me tell you two things--
- Would you stop flirting?
509
00:37:21,000 --> 00:37:24,000
- What are you talking about?
- We're not flirting! Yuck!
510
00:37:24,000 --> 00:37:27,000
This is really great and everything,
but we got to go, okay?
511
00:37:27,000 --> 00:37:29,000
Yeah, whatever, fine.
512
00:37:29,000 --> 00:37:31,000
Are we going to do any work?
513
00:37:38,000 --> 00:37:39,000
Hey!
514
00:37:39,000 --> 00:37:43,000
This came for you this morning.
I think it's your infarculator.
515
00:37:43,000 --> 00:37:47,000
Oh, hey. All right, yeah.
516
00:37:47,000 --> 00:37:50,000
Look, I wanted to say I'm sorry
about that whole Stu thing.
517
00:37:50,000 --> 00:37:53,000
Don't even worry about it, man.
518
00:37:53,000 --> 00:37:55,000
- I'm feeling pretty Steve today.
- Really?
519
00:37:55,000 --> 00:37:58,000
I had the best date
of my life last night.
520
00:37:58,000 --> 00:38:01,000
I think I'm in love.
521
00:38:02,000 --> 00:38:04,000
I hope you didn't tell her that.
522
00:38:05,000 --> 00:38:08,000
There's a certain order
you're supposed to do things in.
523
00:38:08,000 --> 00:38:11,000
Telling someone you love them
is definitely last in that order.
524
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:14,000
- When are you supposed to tell them?
- Your 40th wedding anniversary.
525
00:38:14,000 --> 00:38:16,000
I don't see a problem.
526
00:38:16,000 --> 00:38:18,000
I'm going to tell you this
one last time.
527
00:38:18,000 --> 00:38:22,000
You should tattoo it on your dick
so you don't forget.
528
00:38:22,000 --> 00:38:26,000
We pursue that
which retreats from us.
529
00:38:26,000 --> 00:38:28,000
I don't get
the whole retreating thing.
530
00:38:28,000 --> 00:38:33,000
Chicks are like hunters. They want to bag a
lion or a bear, something hard to catch.
531
00:38:33,000 --> 00:38:36,000
Along comes Dave, and you're like
this affectionate little puppy.
532
00:38:36,000 --> 00:38:40,000
You're cute, but you're way
too easy to catch. That bores them.
533
00:38:40,000 --> 00:38:43,000
With chicks, boredom equals death.
You can't bore them.
534
00:38:43,000 --> 00:38:45,000
So now I'm boring.
535
00:38:45,000 --> 00:38:48,000
Dogs don't chase a rock
that's just sitting on the ground.
536
00:38:48,000 --> 00:38:50,000
Maybe some dogs do.
537
00:38:50,000 --> 00:38:54,000
They like chasing rabbits
that dart in and out of bushes.
538
00:38:54,000 --> 00:38:56,000
So now I'm supposed
to be like a bunny?
539
00:38:56,000 --> 00:38:59,000
You're supposed to be
the thing that retreats.
540
00:38:59,000 --> 00:39:03,000
That takes us to part three
of the Tao of Steve.
541
00:39:03,000 --> 00:39:05,000
After you've eliminated
your desire...
542
00:39:05,000 --> 00:39:07,000
and after you've been excellent
in her presence...
543
00:39:07,000 --> 00:39:11,000
then you must retreat, okay?
544
00:39:11,000 --> 00:39:13,000
It's just too complicated.
545
00:39:13,000 --> 00:39:16,000
For great-looking guys,
they got no problem.
546
00:39:16,000 --> 00:39:17,000
They can slide by
on their appearance.
547
00:39:17,000 --> 00:39:20,000
But for guys like us--
548
00:39:20,000 --> 00:39:24,000
Successful hooking up with the ladies
requires a little work...
549
00:39:24,000 --> 00:39:27,000
and a lot of intelligence,
all right?
550
00:39:27,000 --> 00:39:30,000
Thanks for this thing, man.
It's gonna come in handy.
551
00:40:06,000 --> 00:40:08,000
Sorry.
552
00:40:08,000 --> 00:40:10,000
When's your stupid motorcycle
going to be fixed?
553
00:40:10,000 --> 00:40:12,000
When the stupid part
gets here, okay?
554
00:40:20,000 --> 00:40:23,000
I'm a fairy. Can you put
fairy sprinkles in my hair?
555
00:40:24,000 --> 00:40:26,000
Are you sure you're a fairy?
556
00:40:26,000 --> 00:40:29,000
These are very powerful sprinkles.
I made them myself.
557
00:40:36,000 --> 00:40:37,000
Okay?
558
00:40:41,000 --> 00:40:44,000
Do you have any glue
we can borrow?
559
00:40:44,000 --> 00:40:47,000
Sure. Yeah.
560
00:40:47,000 --> 00:40:49,000
Excuse me.
561
00:40:50,000 --> 00:40:52,000
- Here you go.
- What are you doing this weekend?
562
00:40:52,000 --> 00:40:54,000
I was--
563
00:40:54,000 --> 00:40:57,000
This friend of mine is house-sitting
at this big house.
564
00:40:57,000 --> 00:41:01,000
It's got this cool pool and views. We're
gonna have a pool party and barbecue.
565
00:41:01,000 --> 00:41:02,000
- Really?
- Yeah.
566
00:41:44,000 --> 00:41:48,000
Look, men try and achieve success
for one reason: to impress women, right?
567
00:41:48,000 --> 00:41:51,000
That's the only reason
they build companies, write books...
568
00:41:51,000 --> 00:41:53,000
or compete in sports and stuff.
569
00:41:53,000 --> 00:41:57,000
The problem is, if you figure out how
you could get laid without achieving anything...
570
00:41:57,000 --> 00:41:59,000
then you could lose
your motivation altogether.
571
00:41:59,000 --> 00:42:02,000
So there's no reason
to get off the couch.
572
00:42:03,000 --> 00:42:05,000
- You want a drink?
- No, thanks.
573
00:42:05,000 --> 00:42:06,000
I'm going to get one.
574
00:42:12,000 --> 00:42:15,000
Stop it. Don't.
575
00:43:20,000 --> 00:43:23,000
Couldn't resist my powerful
penetrating stare, could you?
576
00:43:23,000 --> 00:43:27,000
No, I wanted to tell you
you have guacamole on your shirt.
577
00:43:30,000 --> 00:43:33,000
Yeah, wouldn't want you to make
a bad impression on your date.
578
00:43:33,000 --> 00:43:35,000
She's--
579
00:43:40,000 --> 00:43:42,000
- Hi, Diane.
- Hi.
580
00:43:42,000 --> 00:43:44,000
Sorry it took so long.
I ran into this friend of mine...
581
00:43:44,000 --> 00:43:46,000
and she was really depressed.
582
00:43:46,000 --> 00:43:49,000
- Is she okay?
- You know.
583
00:43:49,000 --> 00:43:51,000
She will be or whatever, but--
584
00:43:52,000 --> 00:43:54,000
The thing was, I was going
through depression a long time ago...
585
00:43:55,000 --> 00:43:57,000
and she was really there for me.
586
00:43:57,000 --> 00:43:59,000
So I figured, payback time.
It's like a karma thing.
587
00:43:59,000 --> 00:44:03,000
- Did you want to go talk to her?
- I wanted to find you.
588
00:44:03,000 --> 00:44:06,000
I'm here with you.
You don't know anybody here.
589
00:44:06,000 --> 00:44:10,000
I'll be fine.
You should go talk to your friend.
590
00:44:20,000 --> 00:44:22,000
- How are you?
- Good.
591
00:44:22,000 --> 00:44:24,000
- How are you?
- Okay.
592
00:44:24,000 --> 00:44:27,000
- Who's this guy?
- It's a she. I just got her.
593
00:44:27,000 --> 00:44:29,000
- Hey, girl, how are you?
- Come on. Say hi.
594
00:44:30,000 --> 00:44:32,000
- Come here.
- Come here, sweetie.
595
00:44:32,000 --> 00:44:33,000
Hi, girl.
596
00:44:33,000 --> 00:44:35,000
How are you?
597
00:44:35,000 --> 00:44:39,000
Oh, my God! Hello!
What a little boodgie!
598
00:44:39,000 --> 00:44:42,000
- Cute, isn't she?
- Yeah. Is she yours?
599
00:44:42,000 --> 00:44:44,000
- Yeah.
- Do you know each other?
600
00:44:44,000 --> 00:44:46,000
- No, actually--
- Hi.
601
00:44:46,000 --> 00:44:49,000
- I'm Syd. Hi. Nice to meet you.
- Syd, Beth.
602
00:44:50,000 --> 00:44:54,000
I was looking for you guys.
Hey! Hey, Dex.
603
00:44:55,000 --> 00:44:58,000
Hey, dog. It's Beth's.
604
00:44:58,000 --> 00:45:01,000
I got some friends here from work
I'd like you to meet.
605
00:45:01,000 --> 00:45:03,000
- Sure.
- All right. Take care.
606
00:45:03,000 --> 00:45:04,000
- It was nice to meet you.
- You too.
607
00:45:04,000 --> 00:45:06,000
Talk to you.
608
00:45:06,000 --> 00:45:08,000
- You be around for a while?
- Sure. Bye.
609
00:45:15,000 --> 00:45:17,000
So, are you going to go swimming?
610
00:45:18,000 --> 00:45:23,000
Huh? Oh, no. I mean, I'm
a non-swimming, non-naked kind of guy.
611
00:45:24,000 --> 00:45:26,000
"Say no to nudity."
That's my motto.
612
00:45:26,000 --> 00:45:29,000
Really? 'Cause I would have
pegged you for, like, a naked person.
613
00:45:29,000 --> 00:45:31,000
Definitely not a naked person.
Are you kidding?
614
00:45:32,000 --> 00:45:34,000
I don't even let
my cats see me naked.
615
00:45:34,000 --> 00:45:35,000
- Really?
- Really.
616
00:45:35,000 --> 00:45:37,000
That's weird.
617
00:45:39,000 --> 00:45:40,000
What?
618
00:45:48,000 --> 00:45:51,000
Glitter from school.
We were doing collages yesterday...
619
00:45:52,000 --> 00:45:56,000
with feathers and glue and--
620
00:46:00,000 --> 00:46:03,000
This is really
a beautiful place.
621
00:46:03,000 --> 00:46:08,000
So I thought there's no way
she's going to be here today, so--
622
00:46:08,000 --> 00:46:11,000
I was going to swing by,
you know, but--
623
00:46:12,000 --> 00:46:14,000
You still got a little--
624
00:46:14,000 --> 00:46:16,000
Oh, that's dry.
625
00:46:16,000 --> 00:46:19,000
So, where's your friend?
626
00:46:20,000 --> 00:46:23,000
Huh? Oh, yeah. Well--
627
00:46:23,000 --> 00:46:26,000
I think I told her that
you were really depressed.
628
00:46:26,000 --> 00:46:29,000
- Why would you do that?
- So I could come and talk to you.
629
00:46:29,000 --> 00:46:33,000
Oh, my God.
Do you ever just tell the truth?
630
00:46:33,000 --> 00:46:35,000
Would it make me a better person
if I was to say to her...
631
00:46:35,000 --> 00:46:39,000
"I'd really like to blow you off 'cause there's
a woman here I'm falling in love with.
632
00:46:39,000 --> 00:46:42,000
- Can you find your own way home?"
- What did you just say?
633
00:46:42,000 --> 00:46:45,000
- Why don't you find your own way home?
- The other thing.
634
00:46:46,000 --> 00:46:49,000
That I'm falling in love with you?
635
00:46:49,000 --> 00:46:50,000
- You are not.
- I am too.
636
00:46:50,000 --> 00:46:51,000
- Are not!
- Am too.
637
00:46:51,000 --> 00:46:54,000
- Are not.
- I am too.
638
00:46:54,000 --> 00:46:58,000
So, if you're falling in love with me,
why are you with all these other women?
639
00:46:58,000 --> 00:47:00,000
Oh, come on.
640
00:47:00,000 --> 00:47:02,000
Am I supposed to remain
celibate while I bask...
641
00:47:02,000 --> 00:47:05,000
in the warm glow of
your annihilating contempt?
642
00:47:05,000 --> 00:47:09,000
- Am I supposed to find solace in that?
- No, you're right.
643
00:47:09,000 --> 00:47:12,000
Forget it. That was stupid.
Just forget it.
644
00:47:12,000 --> 00:47:15,000
What are you-- Are you mad?
645
00:47:19,000 --> 00:47:21,000
Syd, come on!
646
00:47:21,000 --> 00:47:23,000
You're joking.
647
00:47:25,000 --> 00:47:27,000
- Why are you mad at me?
- I'm not mad.
648
00:47:27,000 --> 00:47:30,000
You sure seem pissed.
649
00:47:30,000 --> 00:47:32,000
- Come on.
- I'm not mad.
650
00:47:33,000 --> 00:47:37,000
Are you pissed off because I didn't
recognize you at the reunion?
651
00:47:40,000 --> 00:47:43,000
Was I like a jerk to
one of your friends in college?
652
00:47:43,000 --> 00:47:46,000
Was I a dick to you in college?
653
00:47:46,000 --> 00:47:48,000
Not exactly.
654
00:47:48,000 --> 00:47:50,000
Did we, like, sleep together?
655
00:47:58,000 --> 00:48:00,000
No way. There's no way.
I would have remembered that.
656
00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:05,000
But you didn't.
657
00:48:08,000 --> 00:48:10,000
Pretty romantic, isn't it?
658
00:48:10,000 --> 00:48:12,000
I'm sorry if I hurt you.
659
00:48:12,000 --> 00:48:16,000
But for most of college
I was so drunk or stoned...
660
00:48:16,000 --> 00:48:19,000
I don't even remember
half of what happened.
661
00:48:19,000 --> 00:48:23,000
I know that's not a good excuse, but
look at me. Now I'm a fat fucking pig.
662
00:48:23,000 --> 00:48:26,000
The guy that did that to you
was a skinny arrogant prick.
663
00:48:26,000 --> 00:48:29,000
Just give me one more chance.
664
00:48:32,000 --> 00:48:34,000
You should go back to your date.
665
00:49:04,000 --> 00:49:05,000
What?
666
00:49:17,000 --> 00:49:19,000
Stop looking at me like that.
667
00:49:21,000 --> 00:49:24,000
You're acting like
a codependent girlfriend.
668
00:49:36,000 --> 00:49:38,000
That's the last time.
669
00:49:53,000 --> 00:49:54,000
What's up?
670
00:49:54,000 --> 00:49:59,000
I just want to tell you I'm not going to do
your stupid Tao of Steve thing anymore.
671
00:50:00,000 --> 00:50:02,000
Okay.
672
00:50:02,000 --> 00:50:07,000
It's just that it's phony,
dishonest, and it's not me.
673
00:50:07,000 --> 00:50:09,000
Oh, really?
674
00:50:09,000 --> 00:50:11,000
You think it's more honest
to pretend to listen to a woman...
675
00:50:11,000 --> 00:50:13,000
when you're just thinking
about getting laid?
676
00:50:13,000 --> 00:50:16,000
I think it's more honest than pretending
I don't want to get laid.
677
00:50:16,000 --> 00:50:20,000
That's the whole point. Don't pretend.
Just really let go of your desire.
678
00:50:21,000 --> 00:50:23,000
Okay, look.
679
00:50:23,000 --> 00:50:27,000
If I like a woman, I'm not going
to pretend that I don't like her.
680
00:50:27,000 --> 00:50:30,000
I'm not going
to pretend to be excellent.
681
00:50:30,000 --> 00:50:32,000
I'm not going
to pretend to retreat.
682
00:50:32,000 --> 00:50:36,000
I'm just going to be me.
I'm going to be honest and be me.
683
00:50:36,000 --> 00:50:38,000
That's exactly what I want you to be.
I want you to be honest.
684
00:50:38,000 --> 00:50:40,000
I want you to be you,
but the real you.
685
00:50:40,000 --> 00:50:43,000
You're so full of it, man.
686
00:50:43,000 --> 00:50:48,000
Lao-tzu said, When the foolish man
hears of the Tao, you know what he does?
687
00:50:48,000 --> 00:50:50,000
- What's that?
- He laughs out loud.
688
00:50:50,000 --> 00:50:53,000
I swear you just make this stuff up
as you go along, right?
689
00:50:55,000 --> 00:50:57,000
So you didn't make it up.
690
00:50:58,000 --> 00:51:00,000
You should read these.
691
00:51:00,000 --> 00:51:03,000
- Now you're going to give me homework?
- I'm trying to share knowledge.
692
00:51:04,000 --> 00:51:08,000
I really appreciate your help.
It's just this is all a little too hard.
693
00:51:08,000 --> 00:51:11,000
What is too hard?
Not coming on to women?
694
00:51:11,000 --> 00:51:13,000
Trying to be
an excellent human being?
695
00:51:13,000 --> 00:51:17,000
The Buddha left his family,
his fortune, his place in society.
696
00:51:17,000 --> 00:51:20,000
This guy was set, and he wandered down
the road of enlightenment.
697
00:51:20,000 --> 00:51:23,000
That's hard.
698
00:51:23,000 --> 00:51:27,000
I'm not looking for enlightenment.
I'm looking for a girlfriend. That's it.
699
00:51:27,000 --> 00:51:29,000
It's all connected.
700
00:52:14,000 --> 00:52:18,000
- I know what you're trying to do.
- What are you talking about?
701
00:52:18,000 --> 00:52:20,000
Just because you fixed my bike,
I'm not going to go out with you.
702
00:52:20,000 --> 00:52:24,000
I just wanted to say
that I was sorry.
703
00:52:24,000 --> 00:52:27,000
Are you sure
that's all you wanted?
704
00:52:27,000 --> 00:52:30,000
Let's just--
Let's forget about it, okay?
705
00:52:30,000 --> 00:52:32,000
Just forget about the whole thing.
706
00:52:32,000 --> 00:52:35,000
I guess forgetting
is what you're good at.
707
00:52:39,000 --> 00:52:42,000
Oh, my God.
I've just hurt your feelings.
708
00:52:42,000 --> 00:52:45,000
No, you didn't. Apparently I don't have
feelings, so how could they be hurt?
709
00:52:45,000 --> 00:52:48,000
I'm sorry. I just assume everything
you do has an ulterior motive.
710
00:52:48,000 --> 00:52:52,000
Oh, that makes me
feel really good. Okay.
711
00:52:52,000 --> 00:52:56,000
I'm sorry. That was terrible. I--
712
00:52:56,000 --> 00:52:58,000
Thank you for fixing my bike.
713
00:52:58,000 --> 00:53:01,000
You're welcome. You're welcome.
714
00:53:15,000 --> 00:53:20,000
We're going camping tomorrow.
I don't suppose you want to come?
715
00:53:26,000 --> 00:53:28,000
- There will be walking.
- Yeah.
716
00:53:30,000 --> 00:53:32,000
- And climbing.
- I know.
717
00:53:34,000 --> 00:53:36,000
- Outdoors.
- Shut the fuck up.
718
00:53:37,000 --> 00:53:38,000
Are you sure you want to do this?
719
00:53:39,000 --> 00:53:42,000
Yeah. I love camping.
720
00:54:25,000 --> 00:54:27,000
Are you okay?
721
00:54:27,000 --> 00:54:32,000
Yeah. I just stopped
to check out this conifer tree.
722
00:54:34,000 --> 00:54:36,000
Okay then.
723
00:54:36,000 --> 00:54:38,000
The tree.
724
00:55:02,000 --> 00:55:06,000
So, what's the deal
with you and Beth?
725
00:55:06,000 --> 00:55:08,000
No deal. We're just friends.
726
00:55:09,000 --> 00:55:12,000
I thought I sensed something.
727
00:55:12,000 --> 00:55:14,000
- At the party?
- Yeah.
728
00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:17,000
She was tense because...
729
00:55:17,000 --> 00:55:20,000
she got that puppy and--
730
00:55:21,000 --> 00:55:24,000
She went to the pound and got
this puppy, and Ed's not a dog person.
731
00:55:24,000 --> 00:55:27,000
Women like to save things,
and men like to draw boundaries.
732
00:55:28,000 --> 00:55:30,000
It's like Molly Brown
on the Titanic.
733
00:55:30,000 --> 00:55:32,000
She was saying,
"More people, more people."
734
00:55:32,000 --> 00:55:35,000
But the boat guy was, like, "No."
You know?
735
00:55:35,000 --> 00:55:37,000
It's just like puppies.
736
00:55:46,000 --> 00:55:50,000
Hey. I was totally
lying back there.
737
00:55:50,000 --> 00:55:53,000
- Boat guys do like puppies?
- I'm sure some do--
738
00:55:53,000 --> 00:55:56,000
But about me and Beth
just being friends.
739
00:55:56,000 --> 00:56:00,000
I knew it. I can't believe
you sold me all that puppy bullshit.
740
00:56:00,000 --> 00:56:02,000
Yeah, but I just admitted
I was lying.
741
00:56:02,000 --> 00:56:06,000
You want points for that?
Besides, isn't she married?
742
00:56:06,000 --> 00:56:10,000
Yeah, but it depends on
your definition of married.
743
00:56:10,000 --> 00:56:14,000
I don't have a lot of hang-ups,
but monogamy is one of them.
744
00:56:23,000 --> 00:56:27,000
Do you think we ought to leave
a trail of bread crumbs?
745
00:56:27,000 --> 00:56:31,000
- They'll be fine, Mags.
- All right.
746
00:56:45,000 --> 00:56:47,000
What took you so long?
747
00:57:30,000 --> 00:57:32,000
I feel so at home in nature.
748
00:57:35,000 --> 00:57:37,000
Never again.
749
00:57:50,000 --> 00:57:52,000
Do you guys ever worry
your marriage...
750
00:57:52,000 --> 00:57:55,000
is an obstacle to your
reaching enlightenment?
751
00:57:57,000 --> 00:58:01,000
Do you ever wonder if your philosophy
is an obstacle to having a life?
752
00:58:01,000 --> 00:58:04,000
Seriously, man. Because romantic love,
for a lot of people...
753
00:58:04,000 --> 00:58:07,000
becomes kind of a religion, you know?
754
00:58:07,000 --> 00:58:09,000
Face it, most people feel
that their personal relationships...
755
00:58:09,000 --> 00:58:11,000
are more important
than their relationship with God.
756
00:58:11,000 --> 00:58:15,000
We should just admit that
romantic love is our national religion.
757
00:58:15,000 --> 00:58:17,000
State religion of America.
758
00:58:17,000 --> 00:58:20,000
I mean, take you guys
for example, okay?
759
00:58:20,000 --> 00:58:24,000
Okay, no judgment, but, like,
what's more important to you...
760
00:58:24,000 --> 00:58:27,000
your relationship with God
or with each other?
761
00:58:30,000 --> 00:58:33,000
Seriously. I mean,
think about God right now.
762
00:58:33,000 --> 00:58:37,000
Who's snuggling up with God?
Who does He partner with?
763
00:58:37,000 --> 00:58:39,000
Who's putting their head
on His shoulder?
764
00:58:39,000 --> 00:58:42,000
I think He's like
the loneliest dude in the universe.
765
00:58:42,000 --> 00:58:45,000
Why would God be lonely? Millions
of people pray to God all the time.
766
00:58:45,000 --> 00:58:47,000
It's either gratitude
or groveling, like...
767
00:58:47,000 --> 00:58:50,000
" Hey, God, could You
help me win the lotto?"
768
00:58:50,000 --> 00:58:53,000
Or "God, if You get me out of this
situation, I'll go to church forever."
769
00:58:54,000 --> 00:58:57,000
No one ever says,
"Hey, God, how was Your day?
770
00:58:57,000 --> 00:59:00,000
What can I do for You, God?"
771
00:59:00,000 --> 00:59:02,000
Or, " Hey, God, did you catch
Letterman last night?"
772
00:59:02,000 --> 00:59:06,000
- I suppose you talk to God like that.
- Always. All the time.
773
00:59:06,000 --> 00:59:10,000
- And what does God say?
- He said "I saw Letterman, and it sucked."
774
00:59:23,000 --> 00:59:25,000
Good night, Rick.
775
00:59:26,000 --> 00:59:28,000
Good night, Dex.
776
00:59:29,000 --> 00:59:32,000
Good night, Maggie.
777
00:59:32,000 --> 00:59:34,000
Good night, John Boy.
778
00:59:35,000 --> 00:59:37,000
Good night, Syd.
779
00:59:37,000 --> 00:59:40,000
Oh, my God.
Do you ever stop talking?
780
00:59:51,000 --> 00:59:52,000
Jesus!
781
00:59:53,000 --> 00:59:55,000
Die!
782
01:00:14,000 --> 01:00:17,000
There was a spider!
There was a big--
783
01:00:17,000 --> 01:00:21,000
I swear there was a big,
hairy spider in my tent.
784
01:00:30,000 --> 01:00:33,000
What are you looking at?
785
01:00:34,000 --> 01:00:37,000
No. No way.
786
01:00:45,000 --> 01:00:49,000
If any part of you touches
any part of me, I have a knife.
787
01:00:50,000 --> 01:00:54,000
Listen. Apparently, we've been in this
position before, so we might as well--
788
01:00:54,000 --> 01:00:58,000
You cannot talk about that thing
that you have no memory of.
789
01:00:58,000 --> 01:01:00,000
- Okay?
- Okay, okay.
790
01:01:00,000 --> 01:01:04,000
Message received.
Zero distortion.
791
01:01:11,000 --> 01:01:13,000
So, this is camping.
792
01:01:13,000 --> 01:01:15,000
Please, I'm trying to pretend
like you're not here.
793
01:01:15,000 --> 01:01:18,000
- Why are you so mad?
- You lied about the spider.
794
01:01:18,000 --> 01:01:21,000
You lied about the puppy thing,
and you're having an affair.
795
01:01:21,000 --> 01:01:23,000
- I did not lie about the spider.
- Did too!
796
01:01:23,000 --> 01:01:26,000
- I did not!
- Shut up!
797
01:01:26,000 --> 01:01:29,000
Oh, you couldn't think
of a better lie?
798
01:01:29,000 --> 01:01:31,000
Why in the world
would I lie about a spider?
799
01:01:31,000 --> 01:01:36,000
You lied about the spider
so you could get in my tent, so--
800
01:01:36,000 --> 01:01:40,000
- So what?
- So you could...
801
01:01:40,000 --> 01:01:42,000
make a move on me.
802
01:01:44,000 --> 01:01:48,000
You are such a self-aggrandizing,
solipsistic ego queen.
803
01:01:48,000 --> 01:01:52,000
- You don't even know you're--
- Did you say solipsistic?
804
01:01:52,000 --> 01:01:54,000
- I most certainly did.
- I love that word.
805
01:01:54,000 --> 01:01:56,000
I do too.
806
01:01:58,000 --> 01:02:00,000
Don't even think about it.
807
01:02:10,000 --> 01:02:12,000
Solipsistic.
808
01:02:38,000 --> 01:02:42,000
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, I'm all right. Thank you.
809
01:02:42,000 --> 01:02:46,000
- You sure?
- I'm all right. Yeah, I'm okay.
810
01:02:46,000 --> 01:02:48,000
- All right, then.
- Yeah. Wait.
811
01:02:50,000 --> 01:02:52,000
I think I'm having a heart attack.
812
01:02:52,000 --> 01:02:54,000
- Is this a trick?
- A trick?
813
01:02:54,000 --> 01:02:57,000
Yeah, like the spider in your tent.
814
01:02:57,000 --> 01:02:59,000
There was a spider in my tent.
815
01:03:03,000 --> 01:03:05,000
Maggie! Rick!
816
01:03:10,000 --> 01:03:12,000
Okay, you didn't have
a heart attack.
817
01:03:12,000 --> 01:03:14,000
Good.
818
01:03:14,000 --> 01:03:18,000
But you do suffer from
gastroesophageal reflux disease.
819
01:03:18,000 --> 01:03:20,000
Wow!
820
01:03:20,000 --> 01:03:24,000
Otherwise known as heartburn.
821
01:03:24,000 --> 01:03:28,000
That's it? That's cool.
So I could just, you know, change and--
822
01:03:28,000 --> 01:03:31,000
No, no, no, it's not cool.
It's not great.
823
01:03:32,000 --> 01:03:35,000
- Why? Do I have a tumor or something?
- No, you don't have a tumor...
824
01:03:35,000 --> 01:03:37,000
but you're obese.
825
01:03:37,000 --> 01:03:41,000
It's a serious risk factor for high
blood pressure, heart disease, diabetes.
826
01:03:41,000 --> 01:03:43,000
Please, be candid.
827
01:03:43,000 --> 01:03:45,000
Do you smoke?
828
01:03:46,000 --> 01:03:48,000
You know, I'll have the occasional
pack a day or so, yeah.
829
01:03:48,000 --> 01:03:50,000
These are serious problems.
830
01:03:50,000 --> 01:03:54,000
You better quit smoking.
You've gotta go on a diet.
831
01:03:54,000 --> 01:03:55,000
That's easy.
832
01:03:55,000 --> 01:03:58,000
I didn't say that changing
your life would be easy.
833
01:03:58,000 --> 01:04:01,000
But your life does depend on it.
834
01:04:02,000 --> 01:04:03,000
All right.
835
01:04:04,000 --> 01:04:06,000
Thank you.
836
01:04:14,000 --> 01:04:18,000
Guy, you're not gonna lose weight
eating peanut butter sandwiches.
837
01:04:18,000 --> 01:04:22,000
- What are you talking about? It's whole wheat bread.
- Dude, it's peanut butter.
838
01:04:22,000 --> 01:04:25,000
I lost 25 pounds on my pizza diet.
This'll be much easier.
839
01:04:25,000 --> 01:04:29,000
- Why?
- More protein.
840
01:04:29,000 --> 01:04:32,000
That's almost as ridiculous
as your sleeping diet.
841
01:04:32,000 --> 01:04:35,000
- That time I lost 30 pounds.
- You also lost your job.
842
01:04:35,000 --> 01:04:37,000
Did the diet work or not?
843
01:04:39,000 --> 01:04:41,000
Hey, Beth.
844
01:04:41,000 --> 01:04:44,000
Yeah, yeah, I'm good.
845
01:04:44,000 --> 01:04:49,000
Listen, I don't think it's a good idea
that we see each other anymore.
846
01:04:51,000 --> 01:04:55,000
-Just tell me why.
- Hello! You're married! Okay?
847
01:04:55,000 --> 01:04:58,000
And I want to have a relationship where
the person I'm dating is dating me...
848
01:04:59,000 --> 01:05:03,000
just for me and there's no marriage
involved and neither of us is married.
849
01:05:03,000 --> 01:05:06,000
You're right. You're absolutely right.
This is all wrong.
850
01:05:06,000 --> 01:05:09,000
Right, yeah.
Could you slow down a little, please.
851
01:05:10,000 --> 01:05:14,000
If I left Ed, we could have
a normal relationship.
852
01:05:14,000 --> 01:05:16,000
We could never have
a normal relationship, Beth.
853
01:05:16,000 --> 01:05:19,000
Why not?
It's Syd, isn't it?
854
01:05:20,000 --> 01:05:23,000
- Syd who?
- Go to hell.
855
01:05:28,000 --> 01:05:29,000
Does this side have an air bag?
856
01:05:36,000 --> 01:05:37,000
Asshole!
857
01:05:39,000 --> 01:05:42,000
- What's all that about?
- Don't ask, dudes.
858
01:05:42,000 --> 01:05:44,000
Don't ask.
859
01:05:59,000 --> 01:06:02,000
I'm going out with that chick
from Kinko's for drinks tonight.
860
01:06:02,000 --> 01:06:05,000
And I know, I know I've gotta
not have sex with her.
861
01:06:05,000 --> 01:06:07,000
No, man. You've gotta not
want to have sex with her.
862
01:06:07,000 --> 01:06:10,000
Having sex with her is the whole point.
863
01:06:10,000 --> 01:06:13,000
I've gotta not want
to have sex with her.
864
01:06:13,000 --> 01:06:16,000
Right, right. Remember, okay,
both men and women want to have sex...
865
01:06:16,000 --> 01:06:19,000
It's natural,
except we're on different timetables.
866
01:06:19,000 --> 01:06:22,000
Women want to have sex,
like, 15 minutes after us.
867
01:06:22,000 --> 01:06:26,000
All right, if you hold out for 20,
she'll be chasing you for five.
868
01:06:26,000 --> 01:06:29,000
I don't know if I could
hold out for that long.
869
01:06:29,000 --> 01:06:31,000
Dude, you gotta
ask yourself, man...
870
01:06:31,000 --> 01:06:34,000
do you want to be a Stu,
or do you want to be a Steve?
871
01:06:48,000 --> 01:06:50,000
Good morning, ladies.
872
01:06:50,000 --> 01:06:53,000
Hello, Cynthia.
How are you?
873
01:06:54,000 --> 01:06:57,000
How's your day starting out?
874
01:07:03,000 --> 01:07:05,000
What's up?
875
01:07:40,000 --> 01:07:43,000
- Who is it?
- It's Syd.
876
01:07:47,000 --> 01:07:51,000
- What do you want?
- I wanted to see how you were feeling.
877
01:07:51,000 --> 01:07:53,000
Oh, I'm fine, thank you.
I'm great.
878
01:07:53,000 --> 01:07:56,000
Do you need anything?
879
01:07:56,000 --> 01:07:58,000
No. No, I'm okay.
880
01:07:58,000 --> 01:08:01,000
Look, this is ridiculous.
Can I just come in?
881
01:08:07,000 --> 01:08:10,000
Okay. All right, great.
Come on in. Fine.
882
01:08:13,000 --> 01:08:15,000
Oh, my God.
Are you okay?
883
01:08:19,000 --> 01:08:22,000
I'd rather not talk about it.
884
01:08:23,000 --> 01:08:24,000
- Fine.
- Fine.
885
01:08:26,000 --> 01:08:28,000
Did somebody hit you?
886
01:08:29,000 --> 01:08:31,000
Yes. Yes, okay?
887
01:08:33,000 --> 01:08:37,000
Someone hit me. Ed hit me.
All right? Ed hit me.
888
01:08:37,000 --> 01:08:41,000
- You happy?
- No. I'm really sorry that it happened.
889
01:08:41,000 --> 01:08:44,000
Really? I thought you'd be really happy
because God's punishing me.
890
01:08:45,000 --> 01:08:48,000
- I don't want God to punish you.
- Okay.
891
01:08:48,000 --> 01:08:50,000
I want to punish you.
892
01:08:54,000 --> 01:08:57,000
Just kidding.
I really am sorry.
893
01:08:57,000 --> 01:08:59,000
It's okay.
894
01:09:13,000 --> 01:09:15,000
Did you just kiss my boo-boo?
895
01:09:16,000 --> 01:09:17,000
Did it help?
896
01:09:18,000 --> 01:09:21,000
A little.
You might have to do it again.
897
01:10:22,000 --> 01:10:23,000
What are you doing?
898
01:10:23,000 --> 01:10:25,000
I'm going in.
899
01:10:25,000 --> 01:10:26,000
Wanna come?
900
01:10:27,000 --> 01:10:30,000
Lest you forget, I'm a
"just say no to nudity" kind of person.
901
01:10:30,000 --> 01:10:34,000
That's cool, 'cause I got
a non-nudity kind of idea.
902
01:11:06,000 --> 01:11:09,000
You know what this
totally reminds me of?
903
01:11:16,000 --> 01:11:18,000
One time--
904
01:11:33,000 --> 01:11:35,000
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
905
01:11:35,000 --> 01:11:38,000
Whoa. Whoa, Speed Racer.
906
01:11:41,000 --> 01:11:45,000
You know, eventually you're gonna
have to take your clothes off.
907
01:11:47,000 --> 01:11:50,000
I know.
I'm grappling with that moment.
908
01:11:53,000 --> 01:11:54,000
Excuse me.
909
01:12:06,000 --> 01:12:07,000
Is that okay?
910
01:12:08,000 --> 01:12:10,000
It's nice.
911
01:13:17,000 --> 01:13:20,000
Oh, God.
912
01:13:20,000 --> 01:13:22,000
Did I drool or something?
913
01:13:22,000 --> 01:13:24,000
I don't think so.
914
01:13:24,000 --> 01:13:27,000
Oh, good.
Not that I drool or anything.
915
01:13:27,000 --> 01:13:29,000
I just--
916
01:13:36,000 --> 01:13:39,000
Do you want coffee
or Cocoa Puffs or anything?
917
01:13:39,000 --> 01:13:42,000
- I can make some real quick.
- Sure.
918
01:14:04,000 --> 01:14:07,000
- What's wrong?
- Nothing.
919
01:14:09,000 --> 01:14:11,000
I was just thinking.
920
01:14:11,000 --> 01:14:12,000
About?
921
01:14:13,000 --> 01:14:17,000
- I'm supposed to leave in three days.
- Yeah.
922
01:14:17,000 --> 01:14:19,000
You knew I was leaving, right?
923
01:14:19,000 --> 01:14:21,000
I guess I kind of repressed it.
924
01:14:23,000 --> 01:14:26,000
Oh. Okay.
925
01:14:26,000 --> 01:14:30,000
Maybe you can stay in town
for a little while longer.
926
01:14:30,000 --> 01:14:33,000
I can't.
I've got another job in New York.
927
01:14:33,000 --> 01:14:35,000
Maybe you could come
to New York.
928
01:14:46,000 --> 01:14:49,000
Hey, Dex, this is Julie.
What's up?
929
01:14:49,000 --> 01:14:53,000
- I haven't heard from you in a while--
- Hey. Hey, you.
930
01:14:53,000 --> 01:14:54,000
How's it going?
Yeah, sorry.
931
01:14:55,000 --> 01:14:57,000
Sorry about that.
I've been real busy lately.
932
01:14:57,000 --> 01:15:00,000
No, I mean,
not too busy for you.
933
01:15:00,000 --> 01:15:03,000
I know I said I'd--
Yeah, I did. I did. I meant to.
934
01:15:03,000 --> 01:15:06,000
I mean, I meant it at the time, but I--
935
01:15:06,000 --> 01:15:09,000
No, it's not like
I don't mean that, I mean--
936
01:15:09,000 --> 01:15:14,000
It's just sort of complicated,
and I can't really explain.
937
01:15:14,000 --> 01:15:16,000
I mean, I wish I-- No.
938
01:15:16,000 --> 01:15:19,000
Hey, hey, I'm a Taoist!
939
01:15:19,000 --> 01:15:22,000
- A what?
- I've gotta go. I'll call you later.
940
01:15:22,000 --> 01:15:25,000
You're the man!
It totally works!
941
01:15:25,000 --> 01:15:27,000
Could we have breakfast somewhere else?
You want to--
942
01:15:27,000 --> 01:15:30,000
- What works?
- The tao of Steve, Dex's rules for picking up chicks.
943
01:15:30,000 --> 01:15:33,000
Dex's rules for picking up chicks?
944
01:15:33,000 --> 01:15:37,000
- I made a sheet so I wouldn't forget.
- This I gotta hear.
945
01:15:38,000 --> 01:15:39,000
Oh, God.
946
01:15:40,000 --> 01:15:45,000
Be desireless, be excellent
and be gone.
947
01:15:55,000 --> 01:15:59,000
So, you have different rules
for different women?
948
01:16:00,000 --> 01:16:05,000
Are you still thinking about that?
No. What?
949
01:16:07,000 --> 01:16:11,000
So does that mean
women are all the same?
950
01:16:13,000 --> 01:16:17,000
This whole thing is like
a universal maxim kind of behavior.
951
01:16:17,000 --> 01:16:19,000
- It's-- You know.
- Dex?
952
01:16:23,000 --> 01:16:24,000
How are you doing?
953
01:16:24,000 --> 01:16:28,000
Syd, this is Cindy.
954
01:16:28,000 --> 01:16:32,000
- Kelly.
- Kelly, right.
955
01:16:32,000 --> 01:16:34,000
Syd, Kelly. Kelly, Syd.
956
01:16:37,000 --> 01:16:41,000
- You guys ready to order?
- I just need a sec.
957
01:16:41,000 --> 01:16:43,000
What's the special of the day?
958
01:16:44,000 --> 01:16:46,000
Just a sec.
959
01:16:52,000 --> 01:16:55,000
Oh, my God.
I'm the special of the day.
960
01:16:55,000 --> 01:16:59,000
What are you talking about?
Are you huevos rancheros or something?
961
01:16:59,000 --> 01:17:03,000
Well, what makes me different?
962
01:17:03,000 --> 01:17:07,000
I mean, what makes me different from
any other woman that you've been with?
963
01:17:07,000 --> 01:17:10,000
Lots of things.
Everything.
964
01:17:10,000 --> 01:17:12,000
Why should I believe you?
965
01:17:12,000 --> 01:17:16,000
I don't know. Why shouldn't you?
I mean, fine, don't believe me.
966
01:17:16,000 --> 01:17:19,000
I'm sure you probably tell
every woman the same thing.
967
01:17:19,000 --> 01:17:24,000
Okay, that pretty much limits the
"What can I say now" option I once had.
968
01:17:24,000 --> 01:17:26,000
So I might as well--
You know what I'm gonna say...
969
01:17:26,000 --> 01:17:29,000
or you already
assigned it this kind of--
970
01:17:32,000 --> 01:17:36,000
Well, you know,
actions speak louder than words.
971
01:17:37,000 --> 01:17:40,000
What's that mean? I mean, what is--
What's that supposed to mean?
972
01:17:41,000 --> 01:17:44,000
It means there's nothing
you can say.
973
01:17:47,000 --> 01:17:49,000
I'm gonna go.
974
01:17:50,000 --> 01:17:51,000
Why?
975
01:17:57,000 --> 01:17:59,000
- Aces over eights.
- Shit!
976
01:17:59,000 --> 01:18:03,000
- Hurts so good.
- You been kicking our asses all night.
977
01:18:03,000 --> 01:18:07,000
- He's butter. He's on a friggin' roll.
- You guys have no idea.
978
01:18:07,000 --> 01:18:10,000
- All right, Dave, what happened?
- Nothing.
979
01:18:11,000 --> 01:18:13,000
I think Gomer got laid.
980
01:18:13,000 --> 01:18:16,000
Is this a fucking card game
or a goddamn sewing circle?
981
01:18:16,000 --> 01:18:18,000
Cool your jets.
982
01:18:18,000 --> 01:18:20,000
What's your problem?
983
01:18:20,000 --> 01:18:22,000
Syd left today.
984
01:18:24,000 --> 01:18:27,000
Hey, didn't Lao-tzu say
something like...
985
01:18:27,000 --> 01:18:30,000
"If you're attached to nothing,
you lose nothing"?
986
01:18:30,000 --> 01:18:32,000
Why don't you give it a rest?
987
01:18:32,000 --> 01:18:34,000
Sorry.
988
01:18:35,000 --> 01:18:38,000
Five draw, suicide kings wild.
989
01:19:04,000 --> 01:19:05,000
I left Ed.
990
01:19:07,000 --> 01:19:09,000
I see.
991
01:19:23,000 --> 01:19:26,000
I can't. I can't, I can't.
992
01:19:26,000 --> 01:19:28,000
I can't. I just--
993
01:19:29,000 --> 01:19:32,000
I can't, I can't,
I can't do this anymore.
994
01:19:43,000 --> 01:19:46,000
Hey, what's up, Beth?
995
01:20:09,000 --> 01:20:12,000
- What's up? What are you looking for?
- Do you have any beer?
996
01:20:13,000 --> 01:20:15,000
Check the lower vegetable thing.
997
01:20:18,000 --> 01:20:20,000
Hey, so is Beth
upset about something?
998
01:20:21,000 --> 01:20:23,000
She left her husband.
999
01:20:38,000 --> 01:20:40,000
What?
1000
01:20:42,000 --> 01:20:44,000
What's up?
1001
01:20:44,000 --> 01:20:47,000
I was wondering
if I could have her number.
1002
01:20:47,000 --> 01:20:50,000
- Whose number?
- Beth's.
1003
01:20:50,000 --> 01:20:52,000
Are you joking?
1004
01:20:56,000 --> 01:20:59,000
Yeah. I'm sorry, bro.
1005
01:20:59,000 --> 01:21:02,000
I'm sorry.
1006
01:21:15,000 --> 01:21:17,000
- Hey.
- Hey, what's up?
1007
01:21:17,000 --> 01:21:19,000
You know all that stuff
I've been telling you?
1008
01:21:19,000 --> 01:21:21,000
- Yeah.
- Forget it.
1009
01:21:22,000 --> 01:21:24,000
The Tao of Steve isn't
about picking up lots of women.
1010
01:21:24,000 --> 01:21:28,000
It's about being the best person
you can be, and I'm not.
1011
01:21:28,000 --> 01:21:32,000
-What are you talking about?
-I've been trying to turn you into me...
1012
01:21:32,000 --> 01:21:35,000
and I'm not sure
I even want to be me anymore.
1013
01:21:37,000 --> 01:21:40,000
Astro.
Astro, come on.
1014
01:22:15,000 --> 01:22:17,000
Hey, Dex, it's Syd.
1015
01:22:17,000 --> 01:22:22,000
I am just calling from New York
to say hi and--
1016
01:22:22,000 --> 01:22:24,000
Actually, I'm not calling to say hi.
1017
01:22:25,000 --> 01:22:28,000
I'm calling because-- You know
that thing that happened in college?
1018
01:22:28,000 --> 01:22:31,000
I just left it hanging
for ten years.
1019
01:22:31,000 --> 01:22:35,000
And the thing is, I don't want to leave
what happened the other day hanging...
1020
01:22:35,000 --> 01:22:37,000
so unresolved...
1021
01:22:37,000 --> 01:22:39,000
and everything, so--
1022
01:22:42,000 --> 01:22:45,000
So, anyway, I just--
I don't know.
1023
01:22:45,000 --> 01:22:47,000
We should talk.
1024
01:22:50,000 --> 01:22:51,000
Sorry. Sorry.
1025
01:22:51,000 --> 01:22:53,000
Sorry. Sorry.
1026
01:22:59,000 --> 01:23:01,000
Just--
1027
01:23:07,000 --> 01:23:09,000
Actually, never mind.
81439
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.