All language subtitles for Stephen Colbert 2020 09 24 Rep Katie Porter WEB h264 WEBTUBE_track3_eng

>> WITH JUST 40 DAYS TO GO UNTIL
ELECTION DAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP

REFUSING TO COMMIT TO A PEACEFUL
TRANSITION OF POWER SHOULD HE

LOSE REELECTION.

>> WILL YOU COMMIT TO MAKING
SURE THAT THERE IS A PEACEFUL

TRANSFERAL OF POWER AFTER THE
ELECTION?

>> WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO
SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN
COMPLAINING VERY STRONGLY ABOUT

THE BALLOTS, AND THE BALLOTS ARE
A DISASTER.

♪ ♪ ♪
(TIRES SCREECH )

>> DO YOU HAVE A PEST THAT YOU
CAN'T GET RID OF?

DO YOU HEAR STRANGE PITTER-
PATTERING AT NIGHT?

OR HAVE YOU FOUND DROPPINGS IN
THE LINCOLN BEDROOM?

THEN CALL US, SECOND TERM-INIX,
THE EXPERTS IN PRESIDENTIAL PEST

CONTROL.

WE'LL INVESTIGATE, TRACK IT DOWN
AND DETERMINE THE BEST WAY TO

REMOVE IT.

WHETHER IT'S BAITING, GLUE
BOARD, OR HUMANE CATCH AND

RELEASE, WE'LL SEND THAT
UNWANTED PEST PACKING.

SO, CALL SECOND TERM-INIX TODAY.

♪ WHEN YOU GOT A PRES WHO WON'T
CONCEDE, SECOND TERM-INIX IS

♪ WHAT YOU NEED ♪
>> BUT FIRST YOU GOTTA VOTE!

♪ ♪ ♪
>> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW"

WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!

TONIGHT, THE ART OF THE STEAL.

PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES
CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER, AND

TONY ROMO, FEATURING JON BATISTE
AND "STAY HOMIN."

AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED
SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK

CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," I'M
STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A
BIT OF A DARK PATCH IN YOUR

NATION'S HISTORY WHEN THE
PRESIDENT NOT ENDORSING THE

PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER IS
THE "FEEL-GOOD" STORY

OF THE DAY.

BECAUSE, LAST NIGHT, ALL ACROSS
THE COUNTRY, THOUSANDS OF

AMERICANS TOOK TO THE STREETS
TO PROTEST YESTERDAY'S DECISION

OUT OF LOUISVILLE THAT IN THE
END, NO OFFICERS WOULD BE

CHARGED FOR THE KILLING OF
BREONNA TAYLOR.

EVEN BEFORE THE PROTESTS
STARTED, AUTHORITIES KNEW THIS

WOULDN'T GO OVER WELL.

BECAUSE A WHOLE DAY BEFORE THE
ANNOUNCEMENT, LOUISVILLE POLICE

DECLARED A STATE OF EMERGENCY.

SO THEY KNEW AHEAD OF TIME.

WHAT TIPPED THEM OFF THAT
JUSTICE WOULDN'T BE SERVED FOR A

BLACK AMERICAN?

THEY MUST HAVE A SOURCE
SOMEWHERE IN THE LAST 500 YEARS.

PEOPLE WERE UPSET ALL OVER THE
COUNTRY.

MUSIC LEGEND STEVIE WONDER
HELPED PROCESS THE FEELINGS:

>> YOU SAY YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED
OF US PROTESTING.

I SAY, NOT TIRED ENOUGH TO MAKE
A CHANGE.

YOU SAY YOU BELIEVE THAT ALL
LIVES MATTER.

HA!

I SAY I DON'T BELIEVE THE
(BLEEP) YOU DO.

>> STEPHEN: THAT IS AN INTENSE
"CARPOOL KARAOKE."

LOOKS LIKE STEVIE'S READY TO
RELEASE A NEW SINGLE:

"I JUST CALLED TO SAY, GO
(BLEEP) YOURSELF."

STILL SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL WHEN HE
DOES IT, THOUGH.

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WANT ANSWERS--
WHICH THEY'RE NOT GOING TO GET

FROM TRUMP.

HERE HE IS WITH REPORTERS
YESTERDAY AFTER THE RULING.

>> MR. PRESIDENT ONE MORE
QUESTION ABOUT BREONNA TAYLOR IF

I CAN.

>> SO, I'LL BE BACK.

I'M GOING TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

A BIG DAY.

>> MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU CAN JUST
ONE MORE QUESTION ON BREONNA

TAYLOR.

>> 'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME.

>> WE'RE AT A TIME RIGHT NOW
WHERE AMERICANS FEEL LIKE--

>> WHO'S THE CALLER?

>> SAY IT?

>> WE ARE ON THIS CAROUSEL--
>> WHO'S THE CALLER?

>> I HAVE A BIG CALL.

A VERY BIG CALL.

>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP)
"SORRY, GOTTA GO, I HAVE A BIG

CALL.

BRRING, BRRRING-- HELLO?

IT'S IVANA... IVANA GET OUT OF
HERE BEFORE YOU ASK ME ANOTHER

QUESTION ABOUT BREONNA TAYLOR."

THIS DECISION YET AGAIN
UNDERMINES MANY AMERICANS' FAITH

IN OUR SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT.

AND CLEARLY, TRUMP IS JEALOUS
BECAUSE THAT'S KINDA HIS THING.

CASE IN POINT, WE JUST FOUND OUT
THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS ACTIVELY

DISCUSSING RADICAL MEASURES TO
BYPASS THE ELECTION RESULTS.

OKAY, THAT'S CHILLING.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE WORDS
"RADICAL" OR "BYPASS" CONNECTED

TO YOUR HEART, OR YOUR
DEMOCRACY.

BUT, ACCORDING TO A TRUMP
CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP

LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN
IS CONSIDERING ASKING

"LEGISLATORS IN BATTLEGROUND
STATES WHERE THE REPUBLICANS

HAVE A LEGISLATIVE MAJORITY TO
BYPASS THE STATE'S POPULAR VOTE"

AND TO CHOOSE ELECTORS LOYAL TO
THE G.O.P. AND THE SITTING

PRESIDENT.

WELL, LIKE LINCOLN SAID AT
GETTYSBURG, "A GOVERNMENT OF THE

PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE
PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM

THIS EARTH.

UNLESS I LOSE.

IN WHICH CASE, I'M KING NOW.

BOW BEFORE LINCOLN!"
WHAT I DON'T GET IS WHY THEY

WOULD TELL US.

ARE THEY TRYING TO RAISE THE
IDEA NOW, SO IT SEEMS LESS

SHOCKING WHEN THEY BRING IT UP
FOR REAL?

"HEY, HONEY, WOULDN'T IT BE SO
RANDOM IF WE HAD A THREESOME?

SUPER WEIRD, RIGHT?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE HAVE YOUR
FRIEND DORIS OVER ANYMORE?"

( LAUGHTER )
A LITTLE LAUGHTER FROM MY WIFE

OVER THERE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE CRAZY?

WOULDN'T THAT BE SO WEIRD, HON?

SO WEIRD!

DO YOU EVER SEE DORIS ANYMORE?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

( LAUGHTER )
WHEN WE WROTE THAT JOKE, BY THE

WAY, I DID NOT THINK YOU WOULD
BE IN THAT CHAIR.

( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: TRUMP'S PLAN

HINGES ON
DELEGITIMIZING MAIL-IN AND

PROVISIONAL BALLOTS AND ANY
OTHER VOTES THAT ARE NOT

COUNTED BY THE END OF ELECTION
DAY.

TRUMP DOESN'T TRUST ANYTHING
THAT COMES IN THE MAIL, UNLESS

IT'S A BRIDE.

(AS TRUMP)
"YOU GOTTA REMEMBER TO POKE THE

AIR-HOLES THOUGH.

THAT'S HOW I LOST IVANA TWO."

ONE TRUMP LEGAL ADVISOR
EXPLAINED THE PUSH FOR NEW

ELECTORS "WOULD BE FRAMED IN
TERMS OF PROTECTING THE

PEOPLE'S WILL" AND THAT STATE
LEGISLATURES SHOULD SAY, "WE'VE

BEEN GIVEN THIS CONSTITUTIONAL
POWER.

WE DON'T THINK THE RESULTS OF
OUR OWN STATE ARE ACCURATE, SO

HERE'S OUR SLATE OF ELECTORS
THAT WE THINK PROPERLY REFLECT

THE RESULTS OF OUR STATE."

TRUMP'S LIKE AMERICA'S
GASLIGHTING BOYFRIEND.

"PENNSYLVANIA, SWEETIE, YOU'RE
CONFUSED.

YOU'RE SO EMOTIONAL, I THINK YOU
FILLED OUT ALL THESE BALLOTS AND

FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME.

LET'S THROW THESE AWAY AND WATCH
A MOVIE ON NETFLIX, OKAY?

YOU GET TO PICK: IT'S
'GOODFELLAS.'"

NOW, THIS IS, WHAT'S THE WORD,
(BLEEP) BALLS CRAZY.

FOR OVER 244 YEARS, WE'VE ALWAYS
HAD A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF

POWER FOLLOWING ELECTIONS.

IT'S KIND OF THE THING THAT
MAKES US, US.

BUT WHEN ASKED ABOUT KEEPING
WITH THIS TRADITION, TRUMP

FIRMLY COMMITTED TO NOTHING.

>> WILL YOU COMMIT TO MAKING
SURE THERE IS A PEACEFUL

TRANSFER OF POWER AFTER THE
ELECTION?

>> WELL WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEE
WHAT HAPPENS.

>> STEPHEN: SO, THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES WON'T COMMIT

TO LEAVING OFFICE IF HE LOSES
THE ELECTION.

AH, YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

I THINK I LEFT THE STOVE ON IN
NEW ZEALAND, AND I'D LIKE TO

STICK MY HEAD IN IT.

I'M KIDDING, OF COURSE.

NEW ZEALAND WON'T LET OUR PLANES
LAND THERE.

WHEN PRESSED ON THE ISSUE, TRUMP
DID NOT BACK DOWN.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT PEOPLE
ARE RIOTING.

DO YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE
THERE'S A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER?

>> I KNOW.

NOPE.

GET RID OF THE BALLOTS AND
YOU'LL HAVE A VERY PEACEFUL,

THERE WON'T BE A TRANSFER
FRANKLY.

THERE'LL BE A CONTINUATION.

>> STEPHEN: WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE
BALLOTS!

YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE
BALLOTS!

AN ELECTION WITHOUT BALLOTS IS
JUST A BUNCH OF ADULTS WHO TOOK

OFF WORK ON TUESDAY BECAUSE THEY
LIKED STICKERS.

OF COURSE, REFUSING A PEACEFUL
TRANSITION IMPLIES A VIOLENT

TRANSITION.

I DON'T WANT THAT.

I MAJORED IN THEATRE.

THE ONLY FIGHTING EXPERIENCE I
HAVE IS STAGE COMBAT.

I DO HAVE A BLACK BELT IN
PRETENDING TO PUNCH YOU.

TRUMP'S THREATS TO DISREGARD THE
RESULTS OF THE ELECTION ALARMED

TOP DEMOCRATS, WHO SWIFTLY
UNLEASHED THEIR MOST POWERFUL

WEAPON: STERN TWEETING.

CHUCK SCHUMER POSTED, "PRESIDENT
TRUMP: YOU ARE NOT A DICTATOR

AND AMERICA WILL NOT PERMIT YOU
TO BE ONE."

OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THE
SENTIMENT, BUT DICTATORS DON'T

GENERALLY ASK PERMISSION.

OTHERWISE, GERMANS IN 1933 WOULD
HAVE RECEIVED THIS LETTER:

(GERMAN ACCENT)
"DEAR CITIZEN, THE NEW

CHANCELLOR SEEKS PERMISSION TO
BURN DOWN THE REICHSTAG.

PLEASE SIGN THIS SLIP AND RETURN
IT SO WE CAN THROW IT IN THE

FIRE.

P.S. WE ALSO NEED CHAPERONES FOR
DER SPRING FLING."

DER SPRING FLING.

DER SPRING FLING.

WE ALSO GOT A RESPONSE FROM JOE
BIDEN:

>> COULD YOU TALK A LITTLE
BIT ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S

COMMENTS TODAY THAT HE DID NOT
COMMIT TO A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER IF HE LOSES THE ELECTION?

>> WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?

I'M BEING FACETIOUS.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE
BEING FACETIOUS, BUT IF YOUR

OPPONENTS MAIN LINE OF ATTACK IS
THAT YOU'RE LOSIN' IT, MAYBE

DON'T START WITH, "WHAT COUNTRY
ARE WE IN?"

(AS BIDEN)
"WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?

WHERE AM I?

I SMELL TOAST!"
BUT I ACTUALLY LIKED JOE'S

HONEST REACTION:
>> I SAID, WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE

IN?

LOOK, HE SAYS THE MOST
IRRATIONAL THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO
THAT.

BUT IT'S NOT SURPRISING.

>> STEPHEN: TRUE.

IT'S NOT SURPRISING.

BECAUSE -- AND I'M NOT PUTTING
IT PAST TRUMP TO BARRICADE THE

WHITE HOUSE GATES, AND PUT ERIC
IN A BABY BJORN AND USE HIM AS A

HUMAN SHIELD, BUT WHAT HE REALLY
WANTS IS TO UNDERMINE YOUR FAITH

IN THE ELECTION.

SO YOU'LL GO "WHAT'S THE POINT
OF VOTING?"

THE POINT IS: YOU VOTE, HE GOES.

REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE TRIES.

WE JUST NEED TO BURY HIM UNDER A
MOUNTAIN OF VOTES.

BECAUSE HE'LL TRY ANYTHING.

HE'S ALREADY PLANNING ON
FIGHTING IT ALL THE WAY TO THE

SUPREME COURT.

HE ADMITTED THAT THIS WEEK WHEN
HE SAID WHEN HE'D BE ANNOUNCING

HIS NOMINEE.

>> I THINK THIS IS VERY
IMPORTANT.

I THINK THIS WILL END UP IN THE
SUPREME COURT AND I THINK IT'S

VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE
NINE JUSTICES.

>> STEPHEN: HE THINKS THEY'LL BE
ON HIS SIDE.

IF HE APPOINTED THEM.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE JOB
INTERVIEW.

(AS TRUMP)
"I'M CONSIDERING YOU FOR A

LIFETIME APPOINTMENT TO ONE OF
THE MOST POWERFUL POSITIONS IN

AMERICA, BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO DO
US A FAVOR, THOUGH."

IN A RELATED STORY, TRUMP
VISITED THE SUPREME COURT, WHERE

RUTH BADER GINSBURG WAS LYING
IN REPOSE.

NOW, HE DID WEAR A MASK, WHICH
IS GOOD.

PROTECTS PEOPLE AROUND HIM FROM
SEEING HIS FACE.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE CROWD
STILL RECOGNIZED HIM.

SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THE EXACT
MOMENT THEY NOTICED HE WAS

THERE.

(BOOING)
>> VOTE HIM OUT!

VOTE HIM OUT!

VOTE HIM OUT!

>> STEPHEN: ONCE AGAIN, GINSBURG
DELIVERING A FIERY DISSENT.

NOW, REPUBLICANS GET OUTRAGED
WHEN YOU SAY THAT ALL THEIR

ENTIRE POLITICAL STRATEGY IS
VOTER SUPPRESSION.

THEY GET EVEN MORE OUTRAGED WHEN
YOU STOP THEM.

TAKE FLORIDA.

IN 2018, FLORIDA VOTERS
OVERWHELMING APPROVED AMENDMENT

FOUR, WHICH RESTORED VOTING
RIGHTS TO FELONS WHO HAD

COMPLETED THEIR SENTENCES.

MAKES SENSE.

PAY YOUR DEBT TO SOCIETY, YOU
GET TO VOTE.

BUT THE REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED
LEGISLATURE AND GOVERNOR THEN

PASSED A LAW DENYING THOSE
RIGHTS TO ANYONE WHO STILL OWED

MONEY FOR OLD FINES.

DENYING THEM A FUNDAMENTAL
DEMOCRATIC RIGHT BECAUSE THEY

OWE A FINE IS PRETTY SEVERE.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING AN OVERDUE
LIBRARY BOOK SO THE LIBRARIAN

NEUTERS YOU.

IRONICALLY, THE BOOK WAS "A
SEPARATE PIECE."

ENTER FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR, AND
LAWN GNOME WHOSE HAT WAS JUST

TAKEN BY A SQUIRREL, MIKE
BLOOMBERG.

BLOOMBERG HELPED RAISE MORE THAN
$20 MILLION SO THAT FELONS WHO

COMPLETED THEIR PRISON SENTENCES
CAN VOTE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL

ELECTION, THEREBY
RE-ENFRANCHISING ABOUT 31,000

PEOPLE.

HELL YEAH, WE'VE GOT A RICH GUY
ON OUR SIDE!

HE'S MAKING IT RAIN DEMOCRACY!

CHECK HIS COUCH CUSHIONS-- MAYBE
WE CAN BAIL OUT THE POST OFFICE!

BLOOMBERG DIDN'T DO IT ALONE.

OTHER DONORS INCLUDED, JOHN
LEGEND, MICHAEL JORDAN, AND

LEBRON JAMES.

IN FACT, BLOOMBERG MADE THE
ANNOUNCEMENT WITH LEBRON.

(AS BLOOMBERG)
"THANK YOU, MR. KING JAMES.

NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TOMAHAWK
DUNK USING THIS WALNUT.

HIIIYAH."

( LAUGHTER )
>> Stephen: SERIOUSLY, THANK

YOU FOR DOING THAT, MAYOR.

SO 31,000 MORE FLORIDIANS ARE
GOING TO BE ABLE TO VOTE THIS

ELECTION.

YOU'D IMAGINE THEIR
DEMOCRATICALLY-ELECTED OFFICIALS

WOULD BE THRILLED.

YOU'D BE WRONG.

ENTER FLORIDA ATTORNEY GENERAL,
AND WOMAN WATCHING A BAG OF

PUPPIES BEING LOWERED INTO THE
RIVER, ASHLEY MOODY.

YESTERDAY, MOODY SENT LETTERS TO
THE FLORIDA DEPARTMENT OF LAW

ENFORCEMENT AND THE F.B.I.,
ASKING THEM TO REVIEW

ALLEGATIONS THAT BLOOMBERG AND
THE FLORIDA RIGHTS RESTORATION

COALITION HAD VIOLATED THE LAW
BY OFFERING INCENTIVES FOR

VOTING.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN INCENTIVE TO
VOTE: IF YOU DON'T, THE

PRESIDENT SAYS HE'S GOING TO
STEAL THE ELECTION.

F.B.I., YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK
INTO THAT.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

MY GUESTS ARE CALIFORNIA
REPRESENTATIVE KATIE PORTER AND

DALLAS COWBOYS GREAT TONY ROMO.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!"
STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,
EVERYBODY.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND
JON BATISTE.

JON, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Jon: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO BE
SEEN AND GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Stephen: A LOT OF PEOPLE
GET TO SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND

BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING FARM AID,
RIGHT?

TELL ME ABOUT THE CONCERT.

>> Jon: FARM AID STARTED BY
WILLIE NELSON, JOHN MELLENCAMP,

NEIL YOUNG.

WHAT THEY'RE DOING SIN CREDIBLE,
HELPING THE COUNTRY'S FIRST

FARMERS, INDIGENOUS PEOPLE,
BLACK FARMERS KEEP THEIR LAND

AND BATTLE AGAINST THE CORPORATE
POWER STRUCTURE, THAT IS TRYING

TO CHANGE TO COURSE OF HOW WE
EAT AND LIVE.

>> Stephen: DOES YOUR FAMILY
HAVE A FARM, JOHN?

>> Jon: MY FAMILY GOES BACK
SEVEN GENERATIONS OF FARMERS IN

CLAYTON COUNTY, GEORGIA, AND
EVENTUALLY NEW ORLEANS.

AND MY GRANDFATHER WAS THE FIRST
NONFARMER.

HE MOVED FROM LAFAYETTE,
LOUISIANA, TO NEW ORLEANS.

>> Stephen: SUCKED IN BY THE
ALLURE OF THE BIG CITY.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE
BIG CITY OF NEW ORLEANS, AND THE

MUSIC IS SOMETHING.

THAT'S HOW WE GOT THE MUSIC
GOING.

>> Stephen: WELL, DO YOU HAVE
ANY FARM MUSIC FOR US?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: CAN WE GET A
LITTLE PREVIEW FOR THE WEEKEND?

>> Jon: HE TAUGHT ME THIS
LICK, ACTUALLY.

THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST
LICKS --

♪
♪

♪
IT'S LIKE ZYDECO FARMERS, THEY

HAVE ACCORDIANS ON THE FARM.

LAFAYETTE, THE HOME OF CLIFTON,
ZYDECO COUNTRY, BABY.

>> Stephen: LATCH A COUPLE OF
ACCORDIONS TO THE PLOW AND OFF

YOU GO.

( LAUGHTER )
>> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S HOW YOU

GOTTA GO 'DO IT.

THAT'S IT.

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

>> Jon: MUCH LOVE.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
MOST TO HAVE THE TIME, I

LOVE TO COLLECT ALL MY MOST
PRECIOUS NEWS MEMENTOS OF THE

DAY; THE MOST TOPICAL CRYSTAL
VASES, FABERGE EGGS, AND

HAND-TURNED BOWLS TO PUT ON
DISPLAY FOR YOU IN THE FINE OAK

HUTCH CABINET, WITH ACCENTED
DOWN-LIGHTING, THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE
TO GATHER UP SOME BUSTED OLD

BABY STROLLERS, BLOOD STAINED
SUITS, AND HAIRLESS DOLL HEADS,

AND SHOVE 'EM INTO THE DUSTY AND
TERRIFYING CRAWLSPACE OF NEWS

THAT IS MY SEGMENT:
"QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, DUE TO THE
ONGOING PANDEMIC, "THE NEW

YEAR'S EVE BALL DROP IN TIMES
SQUARE WILL BE VIRTUAL THIS

YEAR."

OH, NO, NOW I CAN'T GO TO TIMES
SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE LIKE I

WILL NEVER DO.

A TIMES SQUARE SPOKESMAN SAID
"ONE THING THAT WILL NEVER

CHANGE IS THE TICKING OF TIME
AND THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW YEAR

AT MIDNIGHT ON DECEMBER 31."

THANKS FOR THE PEP TALK, BUDDY.

HE ADDED, "AGE LAPS AT OUR HEELS
LIKE A HUNGERING WOLF, TIME'S

THIRST CANNOT BE SLAKED, WE ARE
ALL BORN ASTRIDE A GRAVE...

HAPPY NEW YEAR."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MAKERS OF
THE "GUNDAM" ANIME TV SERIES

HAVE JUST UNVEILED THIS
LIFE-SIZED, 59-FOOT, 25-TON,

MOVING GUNDAM AT THEIR FACTORY
IN YOKOHAMA JAPAN.

THAT IS AN AMAZING FEAT OF
TECHNOLOGY, A HUGE DRAW FOR THE

FANS, AND-- THIS BEING JAPAN--
SOMEONE'S DEFINITELY GONNA HAVE

SEX WITH IT.

WHAT'S EVEN MORE AMAZING IS THIS
BUILDING-SIZED ROBOT EVEN HAS

THE ABILITY TO KNEEL.

IN RESPONSE, THE N.F.L. HAS
BUILT A FIVE-STORY CHIEFS FAN TO

SCREAM AT THE GUNDAM FOR
DISRESPECTING THE FLAG.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE "WWE HAS
ANNOUNCED A NEW LINE OF WINES

FEATURING THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR,"
AND "THE UNDERTAKER."

AND IF YOU POUND ENOUGH WWE
WINE, YOU GET A CHANCE TO MEET

THE UNDERTAKER.

ACCORDING TO THE PRESS RELEASE
THE TAKER-THEMED WINE IS A

LIMITED EDITION CABERNET
SAUVIGNON, AND THE

WARRIOR-THEMED WINE IS A
ZINFANDEL.

MMM.

MMM.

I'M GETTING NOTES OF FOLDING
CHAIR AND SPANDEX CROTCH-SWEAT.

MM-MMM.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, TUESDAY MARKED
60 YEARS TO THE DAY THAT "A MAN

HAS KEPT RICHARD NIXON'S
HALF-EATEN SANDWICH" WHICH HE

KEEPS IN THIS JAR.

SOUNDS A LITTLE ODD BUT THERE'S
A FUN STORY BEHIND IT.

STEVE JENNY WAS A BOY SCOUT IN
ILLINOIS WHEN THEN PRESIDENT

NIXON STOPPED BY A COOKOUT AT A
LOCAL PARK.

NIXON TOOK A COUPLE OF BITES OF
A SANDWICH, SAID IT WAS GOOD,

AND THEN LEFT.

WHICH IS WHEN JENNE-- I WANT TO
SAY SPRANG?

--INTO ACTION.

>> ONCE HE LEFT, I JUST LOOKED
DOWN AT THE PICNIC TABLE AND

EVERYBODY ELSE WAS GONE, AND
THAT HALF-EATEN SANDWICH WAS

STILL ON THE PAPER PLATE.

I PICKED IT UP AND HOPPED ON MY
BICYCLE AND SPED HOME AND RAN IN

THE DOOR, I SAID, "MOM, I'VE GOT
A SANDWICH THAT NIXON TOOK A

COUPLE OF BITES OUT OF."

>> STEPHEN: TRULY, THESE ARE THE
MOMENTS IN HISTORY THAT MAKE ONE

PAUSE AND SAY, "ALL RIGHT."

( LAUGHTER )
OF COURSE, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY

TO BE SURE THIS IS REALLY
RICHARD NIXON'S SANDWICH.

SCIENTISTS MUST TEST THE
SANDWICH FOR NIXON'S D.N.A.,

THEN OBVIOUSLY, ONCE THEY HAVE
THE DNA, THEY HAVE TO CLONE

RICHARD
NIXON AND MAKE HIM FIGHT THAT

"GUNDAM" ROBOT.

( LAUGHTER )
QUARANTINE-WHILE, A POLL OF

1,000 SMARTPHONE USERS FOUND
THAT "40% OF AMERICANS WOULD

GIVE UP THEIR DOG FOR A MONTH TO
KEEP THEIR SMARTPHONE."

SOUNDS HEARTLESS, UNTIL YOU
REALIZE 100% OF DOGS WOULD GIVE

UP THEIR OWNER FOREVER FOR HALF
A RITZ CRACKER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH
CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER.

YOU KNOW BENNY WOULD JUST TURN
US IN.

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

MY FIRST GUEST IS A
CONGRESSWOMAN FROM CALIFORNIA

KNOWN FOR HER TOUGH QUESTIONING
IN CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS.

YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE A FEW OF
THESE MOMENTS.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN OREO IS?

AAN OREO?

NO AN REO.

WOULD YOU COMMIT TO THE C.D.C.

USING THE EXISTING AUTHORITY TO
PAY FOR DIAGNOSTIC B TESTING

FREE TO EVERY AMERICAN
REGARDLESS OF INSURANCE?

>> WE'RE GOING TO MAKE
EVERYTHING EVERYBODY CAN DO --

>> NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WHAT IS THE COST OF A FIRST
CLASS POSTAGE STAMP.

>> 55 CENTS.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK.

HOW ABOUT TO MAIL A POSTCARD?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: WELCOME
CONGRESSWOMAN PORTER.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

I HAVE TO WATCH THE
CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS JUST TO

SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

OFTEN I HAVE IT ON MUTE.

>> YOU'RE NOT MISSING MUCH.

>> Stephen: WHEN I SEE IT'S
YOU, I TAKE IT OFF MUTE BECAUSE

I KNOW THAT YOU USUALLY HAVE A
CLEAR POINT OF VIEW AND YOU

DON'T TAKE ANY B.S.

WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEBODY HAS BEEN
OBFUSCATING, ARE YOU JUST

SALIVATING TO GET YOUR QUESTIONS
OUT?

>> WELL, I MEAN, I THINK IT'S
OFTEN NOT SO MUCH THAT THEY ARE

UNTRUTHFUL IS THEY'RE BEING
INCOMPETENT AND I THINK THAT'S

WHERE YEARS OF TEACHING STUDENTS
REALLY COMES IN HANDY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE
STUDENTS WHO CAME IN HUNG OVER,

UNPREPARED, DIDN'T DO THEIR
HOMEWORK BECAUSE THAT'S AN AWFUL

LOT LIKE QUESTIONING TRUMP
ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS.

WHEN I WAS TALKING WITH
SECRETARY BEN CARSON, YOU KNOW,

I AM NO STRANGER TO PEOPLE
NODDING ALONG AS IF THEY'RE

FOLLOWING ME AND HAVING NO IDEA
AND THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR WHAT HE

WAS DOING.

>> Stephen: SOMETIMES YOUR
QUESTIONING ACTUALLY SEEMS LIKE

A TEACHER, AND I THINK YOU MIGHT
HAVE LEARNED IT -- CORRECT ME IF

I'M WRONG -- FROM YOUR MENTOR,
ELIZABETH WARREN, SEEN HERE.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE BEING PRESENTED
A MEDAL OF EXCELLENCE OF SOME

KIND BY ELIZABETH WARREN.

>> THE HIGHLY COVETED BANKRUPTCY
MEDAL OF EXCELLENCE.

>> Stephen: THIS IS IN LAW
SCHOOL AND NOT IN BANKRUPTCY

COURT?

>> CORRECT, IN HARVARD LAW
SCHOOL.

SHE WAS MY PROFESSOR FOR
BANKRUPTCY CLASS.

I RECEIVED THE MEDAL BEATING OUT
THE STUDENT WHO ACTUALLY

RECEIVED THE A PLUS.

I THINK I WAS HER FAVORITE
BECAUSE I GOT THE MEDAL.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE BEST
ADVICE SHE'S GIVEN YOU THEN AND

NOW THAT YOU'RE IN CONGRESS?

>> THE VERY BEST ADVICE SHE'S
EVER GIVEN ME AS I'VE GONE

THROUGH MY CAREER THERE HAVE
BEEN THINGS I HAVE WANTED TO DO

THAT HAVE NOT BEEN POSSIBLE AND
SHE ALWAYS SAID DOORS ARE GOING

TO CLOSE AND OTHERS WILL OPEN,
IT'S YOUR JOB TO BE WATCHING FOR

THEM OPENING AND YOU HAVE TO
DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO WALK

THROUGH.

BUT SHE HAS THIS CONCEPT THAT IS
ONE OPPORTUNITY IS GONE, ANOTHER

ONE WILL COME FORWARD, SO NOT TO
SPEND ANY TIME LAMENTING THE

PAST AND JUST BEING LOOKING FOR
THE NEXT DOOR TO WALK THROUGH.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE KNOWN TO
BE AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT'S

VERY UNIQUE, YOU'RE THE ONLY
SINGLE MOM IN CONGRESS RIGHT

NOW, AND WHAT IS IT -- YOU HAVE
THREE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> YEAH, I THINK SO.

I MEAN --
>> Stephen: IT VARIES FROM DAY

TO DAY?

>> NO, IT REALLY DOES.

I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOLER, MIDDLE
SCHOOLER AND AN ELEMENTARY

SCHOOLER.

TODAY WAS THEIR FIRST DAY OF
IN-PERSON EDUCATION, AND THE

HIGH SCHOOLER I TOOK, AND THE
HIGH SCHOOLER CALLED ME FIVE

MINUTES LATER AND SAID COME GET
HIM, YOU'RE HERET AT THE WRONG

DAY, WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE,
ALL THOSE THINGS.

MY MIDDLE SCHOOLER STARTED
WALKING TO SCHOOL AND GOT LOST

DESPITE THE FACT HE'S GONE TO
THAT SCHOOL SIX YEARS, AND I

HAVEN'T SEEN MIMI ELEMENTARY
SCHOOLER SO I ASSUME SHE'S RUN

OFF TO MEXICO.

>> Stephen: YOU SEEM VERY
RELAXED ABOUT IT.

>> THEY'RE LIKELY SUPERVISED
CHILDREN.

>> Stephen: FREE RANGED.

LIGHTLY BUTTERED, LIKE HOW WE
ALL THINK WE HAVE OUR TOAST.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S HARDER,
WORKING IN CONGRESS OR BEING A

SINGLE MOM OF THREE BECAUSE I
IMAGINE CONGRESS IS A LITTLE

HARD TO CONTROL AS WELL.

>> THE THREE CHILDREN WITH
DEFINITELY TOUGHER.

THEY'RE TOUGHER ON ME.

I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED A
WITNESS THAT THE AS CLOSE TO AS

DIFFICULT AS ANY ONE OF MY
CHILDREN WHEN THEY'RE BEHAVING.

>> Stephen: DO YOUR CHILDREN
DEBATE YOU?

MINE DO.

>> THEY TROLL ME!

MY SON HAS A SIGN ON HIS DOOR
THAT SAYS ZERO EMISSIONS 2030 OR

DO NOT ENTER.

>> Stephen: NICE.

NICE.

NOW YOU ARE SPONSORING A NEW
BILL IN CONGRESS THAT

STRENGTHENED CONGRESS' POWER TO
CHECK THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND

PREVENTS ABUSES OF POWER BY THE
PRESIDENT.

IS THAT INSPIRED BY ANYONE IN
PARTICULAR, MA'AM?

>> NO, NO, JUST MY GENERAL
CONCERN ABOUT EXECUTIVE POWER.

I MEAN, OF COURSE, IT'S INSPIRED
BY TRUMP.

THIS IS A MAN WHO, YOU KNOW, I
THINK, WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE

EXPANDING THE ROLE OF EXECUTIVE
POWER BUT THEY'RE USING IT

RELATIVELY COMPETENTLY, IT SEEMS
OKAY, BUT HERE WE HAVE SOMEONE

EXPANDING THE ROLE OF EXECUTIVE
POWER AND MAKING A MESS OF IT.

I REALLY DO THINK THERE IS A
POINT HERE THAT'S NOT JUST ABOUT

DONALD TRUMP, BUT IT'S REALLY
ABOUT THE ROLE OF CONGRESS IN

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, AND SOME
OF MY COLLEAGUES WILL SAY WE'RE

THREE CO-EQUAL BRANCHES OF
GOVERNMENT.

MALARKEY, WE ARE NOT THREE
CO-EQUAL BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.

THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH IS THE
PREEMINENT BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT

AND THOSE OTHER PEOPLE, THE
PRESIDENT, THE SUPREME COURT,

THEY ARE SUBSERVIENT TO US
BECAUSE WE ARE THE BRANCH THAT

ARE CLOSEST TO THE PEOPLE, AND
THAT'S EXACTLY THOUSAND THE

FOUNDERS INTENDED IT TO BE.

OR MAYBE I TELL MYSELF THAT
BECAUSE I'M A LOWLY HOUSE MEMBER

BUT IT WORKS FOR ME.

>> Stephen: SURE, MAKES YOU
FEEL BETTER.

BUT FOR YOUR BILL TO HAVE
EFFECT, A PRESIDENT HAS TO SIGN

IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE ODDS ARE
DONALD TRUMP WOULD SIGN THE BILL

LIMITING HIS OWN POWER?

>> NONE.

>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT JOE
BIDEN?

DO YOU THINK JOE BIDEN WOULD
SIGN A BILL LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE I HAVE ASKED JOE BIDEN.

I ASKED OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE
RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, NOT ONLY

THIS TIME BUT MRS. CLINTON AND
THEN BACK IN 2008 WOULD YOU GIVE

UP ANY POWER ESTABLISHED BY THE
PREVIOUS PRESIDENT OR GRABBED OR

ACCUMULATED BY THE PRESIDENT, NO
ONE EVER NAMED THE THING THEY

WOULD GIVE UP.

>> NO, BECAUSE IF YOU ASK
SOMEBODY, HI, CAN I HAVE HALF

YOUR OREOS, THEY WILL SAY THE
SAME THING, NO, I WANT THEM ALL.

SO IT'S NOT ABOUT ASKING THE
PRESIDENT.

IT'S ABOUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
DEMANDING RESPONSIVE GOVERNMENT,

AND THAT MEANS REALLOCATING AND
MAKING SURE THINGS LIKE THE

POWER TO DECLARE WAR, THE POWER
OF THE PURSE, THAT THESE THINGS

ARE APPROPRIATELY CONGRESSIONAL
POWERS, SO THE PEOPLE NEED TO

BRING THE PRESSURE ON THE
PRESIDENT.

I DON'T THINK ANY PRESIDENT
WOULD WILLFULLY CHOOSE TO GIVE

UP POWER.

BUT THAT'S NOT THEIR CHOICE.

IT'S OUR DECISION ABOUT HOW TO
ALLOCATE THIS POWER, THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE'S DECISION.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK
CONGRESS DOESN'T FLEX HIS

MUSCLES ENOUGH?

>> I THINK OUR MUSCLES ARE
DOWNRIGHT FLABBY.

I THINK IT'S REALLY, REALLY BEEN
ILL LOSILLUSTRATIVE FOR THE AMEN

PEOPLE.

THEY SEE THESE TWEETS AND THEY
ALL SAY DO SOMETHING.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT DONALD TRUMP
IS DOING WRONG DO, SOMETHING

ABOUT IT.

TBUT THE TRUTH IS WE'VE ALLOCATD
SO MUCH POWER TO THE EXECUTIVE

IT'S HARD FOR US TO TAKE ACTION.

SOME OF IT THE PRESIDENT'S
USURPED AND SOME OF IT CONGRESS

HAS GIVEN AWAY, SO IT'S HARD TO
BALANCE.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE FIRST
POWER YOU SAY I DON'T NEED THIS

ONE, IF YOU GET TO SIT IN THE
CHAIR.

>> I THINK WE NEED TO ALLOCATE
MORE POWER TO CONGRESS AWAY FROM

THE PRESIDENT.

I DON'T THINK IT'S SOMETHING WE
OUGHT TO HAVE SOLELY A NATIONAL

SECURITY FRAME OF, SO I THINK
THAT'S SOMETHING WHERE THE

DIVERSITY OF THE COUNTRY
DEBATING THE ISSUE WILL GET US

TO A BETTER BALANCE THAN ONE
PERSON MAKING THOSE DECISIONS

BECAUSE THEY NIGHT BRING, SAY,
RACISM OR MAYBE XENOPHOBIA INTO

THEIR DECISION-MAKING.

>> Stephen: WELL,
CONGRESSWOMAN PORTER, THANK YOU

SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: AND, PLEASE,
CONTINUE TO GIVE THEM THE MOST

REASONABLE HELL.

CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER,
EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CBS
SPORTS STAR TONY ROMO.

♪
>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

SPORTS FANS.

MY NEXT GUEST SPENT 14 SEASONS
IN THE N.F.L. AS A QUARTERBACK

FOR THE DALLAS COWBOYS.

HE IS NOW A SPORTS ANALYST RIGHT
HERE ON CBS.

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW,"
TONY ROMO!

TONY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

HOW ARE YA?

>> I'M DOING GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> Stephen: FINE.

NOT COMPLAINING.

I'M LUCKY.

WE'VE BOTH GOT JOBS AND WE GET
TO DO WHAT WE LOVE TO DO WHEN A

LOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T.

I HAVE TO ASK ABOUT YOUR JOB,
YOU'VE SPENT 14 YEARS IN THE

N.F.L. AND YOU NOW HAVE THIS JOB
THAT PAYS HANDSOMELY.

YOU TO A GREAT JOB AT IT AND
THERE AREN'T 300-POUND MEN

RUSHING AT YOU TRYING TO
PULVERIZE YOUR FUMER.

DID IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT YOU
JUST SHOULD HAVE SWITCHED OVER

SOONER?

>> THE FACT THAT YOU SAID FEMUR
YOU LOST ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO

UNDERSTAND I DON'T KNOW THESE
BIG WORDS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

>> Stephen: YOU'VE NEVER SEEN
A FEMUR PLOW THE FIELD?

>> THAT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT
FOOTBALL.

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE NOT
ROGER STAUBACH.

>> AND YOU'RE NOT JOHNNY CARSON.

>> Stephen: WHOO!

I LOVE IT!

>> GREAT TO BE ON THE SHOW.

ALWAYS GOOD TO TALK TO YOU.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT
FOOTBALL IN THE TIME OF COVID.

LET'S TALK ABOUT FOOTBALL RIGHT
NOW.

YOU'RE CALLING THESE GAMES.

THERE'S NO N.F.L. CROWD THERE.

FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU FEEL
ABOUT PEOPLE PUMPING IN THE FAKE

CROWD NOISE OVER THE GAME?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT
QUESTION.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

I'M A GREAT HOST.

I'M NO JOHNNY CARSON, BUT I'M A
GREAT HOST.

YOU CAN TELL BY THE GREAT
QUESTIONS, TONY ROMO.

>> LET'S NOT GO CRAZY.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I WILL SAY IT IS A GOOD
QUESTION BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE

SAME THING, STEPHEN, WHEREAS
LIKE RIGHT NOW EVEN IF WE'RE

DOING THIS AND TALKING YOU'RE
USED TO HAVING SOMEBODY LAUGH

WHEN YOU MAKE A JOKE.

THAT'S RARE FOR YOU, I KNOW.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

WHEN SOMEONE ACTUALLY LAUGHS,
IT GIVES YOU FEEDBACK.

WHEN YOU'RE AN ANNOUNCER, YOU
CAN PLAY OFF THAT AND YOU CHANGE

AND ADJUST, AND I THINK IT'S A
HAIR DIFFERENT FROM THAT

PERSPECTIVE, BUT WHEN THEY PUMP
CROWD NOISE IN MY EAR I FEEL

IT'S THE SAME THING.

I MAKE JOKES ON THE AIR.

I'M, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE CROWD IS GOING CRAZY RIGHT
NOW!

THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

THESE GUYS CAN'T EVEN SIT IN
THEIR SEATS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> Stephen: LAST WEEK THE
EAGLES PUMPED IN BOOING.

IS THAT FAIR?

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THEY DID THAT.

>> Stephen: YES.

BECAUSE IT WAS TRULY AND EAGLES
CROWD.

THEY LOADED BATTERIES INTO A
T-SHIRT CANON AND STARTED FIRING

THEM AT THE FIELD.

>> THEY HAVE BEEN BOOING FOR
YEARS, ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS

THERE.

I'D WALK OUT AND THEY'D BOO AND
I'D THINK, THEY LOVE ME, THAT

HAS TO BE A GOOD THING.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU HEAR
FROM THE PLAYERS ABOUT HOW

DIFFERENT IT IS TO PLAY WITHOUT
A CROWD BECAUSE THE ENERGY HAS

TO HELP YOU.

>> IT DOES.

EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HOW
THEY NEED THAT ENERGY BUT,

REALLY, YOU'RE EVALUATED EVERY
DAY IN LIFE, SO IT'S LIKE WHEN

YOU PLAY IN THE N.F.L. ON
WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY,

YOU'RE AT PRACTICE, THE COACHES
WATCH THE TAPE, THE PLAYERS, AND

YOU CARE DEEPLY ABOUT HOW YOU'RE
PERCEIVED TO YOUR TEAMMATES AND

COACHES AND YOU'RE TRYING TO
HELP YOUR TEAM WIN AND ALL OF A

SUDDEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE AND
THE GAMES ARE A LOT LIKE THAT

WHERE IT'S LIKE, OKAY, THEY'RE
JUST GOING TO SHOW UP AND PLAY

AND HAVE TO DO THEIR JOB?

OF COURSE, THE FANS HELP
TREMENDOUSLY.

I MEAN, IT REALLY IS A BIG DEAL.

BUT IN THE N.F.L., IT'S FIGHT OR
FLIGHT.

WHEN YOU WALK OUT THERE, I
PROMISE YOU, YOU COULD GET HURT

IN TWO SECONDS.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A PLAY OFF, I
DON'T HAVE GREAT ENERGY TODAY --

WWHACK!

YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT.

>> Stephen: HERE'S ANOTHER
THING ABOUT FOOTBALL IN THE TIME

OF COVID, PEOPLE LOOK TO SPORTS
AS AN ESCAPE FOR THEIR WEEK,

WHATEVER THE TROUBLES OF THE AT
A ARE.

IT'S AN INCREASINGLY TROUBLED
COUNTRY NOW.

DO YOU THINK IT CAN STILL PLAY
THAT ROLE FOR PEOPLE BECAUSE

SOME PEOPLE WANT TO SEPARATE OUR
SPORTS FROM OUR POLITICS.

DO YOU THINK THEY CAN SURVIVE
THESE DAYS?

>> YEAH, A GREAT QUESTION.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD GET INTO
POLITICS AND TOUGH QUESTIONS.

>> Stephen: I'M ASKING YOU
ABOUT FOOTBALL.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PRESERVE
LIKE THAT ESCAPE QUALITY IT'S

ALWAYS HAD FOR US?

>> I THINK IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT
WAY.

I THINK IT WILL ALWAYS BE THAT
WAY.

I DO THINK THAT, YOU KNOW,
WHENEVER YOU'RE IN AN ELECTION

YEAR, STUFF ALWAYS IS GOING TO
BE COMMUNICATED AND TALKED ABOUT

A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTLY.

I THINK THAT'S ALWAYS THE CASE.

AND I ALSO WILL TELL YOU SPORTS,
YOU'RE TALKING TO A SPORTS GUY,

SO FOR ME IT'S LIKE, WHEN I GREW
UP, I NEVER WATCHED THE NEWS ONE

TIME.

I WATCHED ONLY JOHNNY CARSON AND
WHEN HE WAS GONE EVERYONE WAS

TERRIBLE.

>> Stephen: I TOTALLY AGREE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T WATCH
FOOTBALL ANYMORE, NO STAUBACH.

>> WELL, YOU PLAYED THAT ONE
PLAY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, THAT WAS

THE BIG THING.

YOU GOT THAT ONE SERIES?

>> Stephen: I PLAYED ONE DAY.

ONE DAY!

>> IT'S NOT CIRCLE.

THAT GIVES YOU CREDIBLE.

I LOVE SPORTS.

I LOVE IT WHEN IT'S ON.

I LOVE IT AND ALL I CAN TALK
ABOUT IS WHAT I THINK AND FEEL.

YOU'RE TRYING TO FEEL OTHER
PEOPLE AND --

>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A
BREAK.

WE SAY HALF TIME IN FOOTBALL.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE MR. TONY
ROMO.

♪
>> NEW YORK HAD THE HIGHEST

DEATH RATE IN THE WORLD.

HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY BE JUMPING
UP AND DOWN AND SAYING, OH,

GOVERNOR CUOMO DID A GREAT JOB.

>> YOU'VE MISCONSTRUED THAT
SENATOR AND YOU'VE DONE THAT

REPETITIVELY IN THE PAST.

>> DESPITE ALL THE THINGS WE'VE
DONE IN THE U.S., OUR DEATH RATE

IS ESSENTIALLY WORSE THAN
SWEDEN, BUT COMPARE SWEDEN'S

DEATH RATE TO OTHER COMPA
COMPARABLE --

>> UH, SCANDINAVIAN COUNTRIES,
IT'S WORSE.

>> OR THEY'VE DEVELOPED ENOUGH
COMMUNITY IMMUNITY THEY'RE NO

LONGER HAVING THE PANDEMIC.

>> IF YOU BELIEVE 22% IS HERD
IMMUNITY, I BELIEVE YOU'RE OWN

IN THAT.

>> THERE'S THOSE WHO HAVE CROSS
REACTIVITY.

>> A STUDY CAME OUT THAT SAID
PREEXISTING IMMUNITY TO

CORONAVIRUS IS THAT A COMMON
COLD DR. .

>> IS MAN CAPABLE OF ALTERING
THE COURSE OF AN INFECTIOUS

DISEASE --
♪

♪
>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WE'RE BACK WITH MR. TONY ROMO.

TONY, WHERE WE ALWAYS COME
TOGETHER AS A FAMILY IS

THANKSGIVING TO PLAY A GAME.

I'M NOT ALWAYS THE QUARTERBACK
OR NEVER THE QUARTERBACK, BUT

YOU GOT ANY -- COME ON, THESE
GUNS?

COME ON, THESE ROCKET LAUNCHERS?

YOU DON'T NEED A MICROSCOPE,
MAN.

THEY'RE THERE!

COME ON!

COME ON!

BOOM!

BOOM!

WELCOME TO THE -- LOOK A THAT.

LOOKT AT THAT.

CAN WE EDIT THIS OUT?

DO WE HAVE TO KEEP THIS?

IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.

WE CAN'T HAVE ANY AIRSTRIKE TIGS
NING ON BECAUSE OF COVID RIGHT

NOW SO --
>> WELL, YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB

FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY
TIPS FOR ME ON THANKSGIVING DAY?

IT'S TAG BUT IT'S SERIOUS.

>> THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, YOU
HAVE TO RELATE -- WHEN YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING TO
PEOPLE, YOU HAVE TO RELATE IT TO

THAT PERSON, THAT INDIVIDUAL.

FOR YOU, I WOULD SAY DON'T PLAY
BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOING TO END

WELL.

OTHER PEOPLE I WOULD SAY PLAY
BECAUSE IT'S ENJOYABLE.

BUT IT'S GOING TO BE POOR FOR
YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK
IS GOING TO GO FIRST, MY ANKLES

OR KNEES?

>> YOUR ARM PITS, I THINK.

>> Stephen: THE ARMS WILL JUST
SHEAR OFF BECAUSE THEY'RE SO

LUBRICATED?

THEY'LL JUST SNAP OFF?

( LAUGHTER )
>> NO, JUST --

>> Stephen: TEACH ME TO CALL A
PLAY TONY ROMO STYLE.

>> OKAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EASY ONE SO WE
DON'T GET TOO DEEP INTO THE PLAY

BOOK.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I'LL GO WITH I RIGHT.

>> Stephen: IS THAT I OR I.

HIFT TO I, I AS IN THE
LETTER I.

>> Stephen: SHIFT TO I.

GOT IT.

>> Z SHORT.

>> Stephen: Z SHORT.

ACT FOUR.

>> Stephen: ACT FOUR?

MM-HMM.

THE NUMBER FOUR.

>> Stephen: NOT AN I.V. BUT
THE NUMBER 4.

>> DEEP, YOU CAN MAKE IT SHORTER
AND SAY D.P.

>> Stephen: D.P.

EIGHT, 24.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST MAKING
STUFF UP NOW.

EIGHT, 24.

>> AND WE'LL GO WITH H DRAG.

>> Stephen: H DRAG?

ARE THESE THE LAUNCH CODES?

H DRAG.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S WHERE WE STOLE THEM
FROM, STEPHEN.

THAT'S WHERE THE APPLE STARTS.

>> Stephen: HERE WE GO.

SHIFT!

I RIGHT!

Z SHORT!

ACT FOUR!

D.P. EIGHT 24.

>> IT'S NOT D.P.

IT'S DEEP!

>> Stephen: YOU SAID I COULD
SAY D.P.!

>> YOU CAN SHORTEN IT SO YOU
KNOW IT'S DEEP, YOU JUST PUT

D.P. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS
THAT'S DEEP.

>> Stephen: WELL YOU SAID
DEEP.

>> WELL, WE SHORTEN WORDS --
>> Stephen: H DRAG!

THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE.

THAT SHOWS YOUR BACKGROUND.

THAT TIME YOU PLAYED IN MIDDLE
SCHOOL, THAT SHOWS WHY YOU'RE

TALENTED.

>> Stephen: WELL, TONY, THIS
HAS BEEN SUCH A PLEASURE TALKING

TO YOU.

>> IT'S BEEN ALL MY PLEASURE.

>> Stephen: HAS IT REALLY?

I'VE NEVER HAD TO TALK TO
FAST AND AGGRESSIVELY AND HAD TO

COME UP HUMOR SO QUICKLY BUT --
>> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO

HOST THE SHOW BECAUSE I'M
EXHAUSTED, OBVIOUSLY.

>> YOU DO A GREAT JOB.

>> Stephen: NO YOU DO!

DID YOU ENJOY -- DID YOU
ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING ON

THE SHOW, TONY ROMO?

>> NOT REALLY, BUT I REALLY LIKE
YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT,
IT'S GOOD THAT WE CAN BE HONEST

WITH EACH OTHER.

IT WAS NICE TO HAVE YOU ON ONCE.

>> THANK YOU.

I'LL BE BACK AGAIN IN A DECADE.

>> Stephen: I WILL NOT BE HERE
TEN YEARS FROM NOW BUT I HOPE

WHOEVER IS IN THE SEAT -- YOUR
WIFE MAYBE.

SHE IS SHE'S A BROADCASTER, WHY
NOT GIVE HER THE CHAIR?

>> BECAUSE I'M JUST IN TROUBLE
MORE THAN I AM.

>> Stephen: TONY ROMO, YOU CAN
CATCH HIS

N.F.L. ANALYSIS RIGHT HERE ON
CBS.

THANKS, TONY.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR "A
LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, BUT FIRST,
LET'S SAY GOOD NIGHT WITH SOME

MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE AND STAY
HUMAN.

♪
♪

♪
♪

♪
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♪

♪
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