Original subtitles

>> WITH JUST 40 DAYS TO GO UNTIL ELECTION DAY, PRESIDENT TRUMP

REFUSING TO COMMIT TO A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER SHOULD HE

LOSE REELECTION.

>> WILL YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THAT THERE IS A PEACEFUL

TRANSFERAL OF POWER AFTER THE ELECTION?

>> WELL, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

YOU KNOW THAT I'VE BEEN COMPLAINING VERY STRONGLY ABOUT

THE BALLOTS, AND THE BALLOTS ARE A DISASTER.

♪ ♪ ♪ (TIRES SCREECH )

>> DO YOU HAVE A PEST THAT YOU CAN'T GET RID OF?

DO YOU HEAR STRANGE PITTER- PATTERING AT NIGHT?

OR HAVE YOU FOUND DROPPINGS IN THE LINCOLN BEDROOM?

THEN CALL US, SECOND TERM-INIX, THE EXPERTS IN PRESIDENTIAL PEST

CONTROL.

WE'LL INVESTIGATE, TRACK IT DOWN AND DETERMINE THE BEST WAY TO

REMOVE IT.

WHETHER IT'S BAITING, GLUE BOARD, OR HUMANE CATCH AND

RELEASE, WE'LL SEND THAT UNWANTED PEST PACKING.

SO, CALL SECOND TERM-INIX TODAY.

♪ WHEN YOU GOT A PRES WHO WON'T CONCEDE, SECOND TERM-INIX IS

♪ WHAT YOU NEED ♪ >> BUT FIRST YOU GOTTA VOTE!

♪ ♪ ♪ >> Announcer: IT'S "A LATE SHOW"

WITH STEPHEN COLBERT!

TONIGHT, THE ART OF THE STEAL.

PLUS STEPHEN WELCOMES CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER, AND

TONY ROMO, FEATURING JON BATISTE AND "STAY HOMIN."

AND NOW LIVE ON TAPE FROM THE ED SULLIVAN THEATER IN NEW YORK

CITY, IT'S STEPHEN COLBERT!

>> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," I'M STEPHEN COLBERT.

YOU KNOW YOU'RE GOING THROUGH A BIT OF A DARK PATCH IN YOUR

NATION'S HISTORY WHEN THE PRESIDENT NOT ENDORSING THE

PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF POWER IS THE "FEEL-GOOD" STORY

OF THE DAY.

BECAUSE, LAST NIGHT, ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY, THOUSANDS OF

AMERICANS TOOK TO THE STREETS TO PROTEST YESTERDAY'S DECISION

OUT OF LOUISVILLE THAT IN THE END, NO OFFICERS WOULD BE

CHARGED FOR THE KILLING OF BREONNA TAYLOR.

EVEN BEFORE THE PROTESTS STARTED, AUTHORITIES KNEW THIS

WOULDN'T GO OVER WELL.

BECAUSE A WHOLE DAY BEFORE THE ANNOUNCEMENT, LOUISVILLE POLICE

DECLARED A STATE OF EMERGENCY.

SO THEY KNEW AHEAD OF TIME.

WHAT TIPPED THEM OFF THAT JUSTICE WOULDN'T BE SERVED FOR A

BLACK AMERICAN?

THEY MUST HAVE A SOURCE SOMEWHERE IN THE LAST 500 YEARS.

PEOPLE WERE UPSET ALL OVER THE COUNTRY.

MUSIC LEGEND STEVIE WONDER HELPED PROCESS THE FEELINGS:

>> YOU SAY YOU'RE SICK AND TIRED OF US PROTESTING.

I SAY, NOT TIRED ENOUGH TO MAKE A CHANGE.

YOU SAY YOU BELIEVE THAT ALL LIVES MATTER.

HA!

I SAY I DON'T BELIEVE THE (BLEEP) YOU DO.

>> STEPHEN: THAT IS AN INTENSE "CARPOOL KARAOKE."

LOOKS LIKE STEVIE'S READY TO RELEASE A NEW SINGLE:

"I JUST CALLED TO SAY, GO (BLEEP) YOURSELF."

STILL SOUNDS BEAUTIFUL WHEN HE DOES IT, THOUGH.

PEOPLE EVERYWHERE WANT ANSWERS-- WHICH THEY'RE NOT GOING TO GET

FROM TRUMP.

HERE HE IS WITH REPORTERS YESTERDAY AFTER THE RULING.

>> MR. PRESIDENT ONE MORE QUESTION ABOUT BREONNA TAYLOR IF

I CAN.

>> SO, I'LL BE BACK.

I'M GOING TO SEE YOU TOMORROW.

A BIG DAY.

>> MR. PRESIDENT IF YOU CAN JUST ONE MORE QUESTION ON BREONNA

TAYLOR.

>> 'SCUSE ME.

'SCUSE ME.

>> WE'RE AT A TIME RIGHT NOW WHERE AMERICANS FEEL LIKE--

>> WHO'S THE CALLER?

>> SAY IT?

>> WE ARE ON THIS CAROUSEL-- >> WHO'S THE CALLER?

>> I HAVE A BIG CALL.

A VERY BIG CALL.

>> STEPHEN: (AS TRUMP) "SORRY, GOTTA GO, I HAVE A BIG

CALL.

BRRING, BRRRING-- HELLO?

IT'S IVANA... IVANA GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE YOU ASK ME ANOTHER

QUESTION ABOUT BREONNA TAYLOR."

THIS DECISION YET AGAIN UNDERMINES MANY AMERICANS' FAITH

IN OUR SYSTEM OF GOVERNMENT.

AND CLEARLY, TRUMP IS JEALOUS BECAUSE THAT'S KINDA HIS THING.

CASE IN POINT, WE JUST FOUND OUT THE TRUMP CAMPAIGN IS ACTIVELY

DISCUSSING RADICAL MEASURES TO BYPASS THE ELECTION RESULTS.

OKAY, THAT'S CHILLING.

YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THE WORDS "RADICAL" OR "BYPASS" CONNECTED

TO YOUR HEART, OR YOUR DEMOCRACY.

BUT, ACCORDING TO A TRUMP CAMPAIGN LEGAL ADVISOR, IF TRUMP

LOSES THE ELECTION, HIS CAMPAIGN IS CONSIDERING ASKING

"LEGISLATORS IN BATTLEGROUND STATES WHERE THE REPUBLICANS

HAVE A LEGISLATIVE MAJORITY TO BYPASS THE STATE'S POPULAR VOTE"

AND TO CHOOSE ELECTORS LOYAL TO THE G.O.P. AND THE SITTING

PRESIDENT.

WELL, LIKE LINCOLN SAID AT GETTYSBURG, "A GOVERNMENT OF THE

PEOPLE, BY THE PEOPLE, FOR THE PEOPLE SHALL NOT PERISH FROM

THIS EARTH.

UNLESS I LOSE.

IN WHICH CASE, I'M KING NOW.

BOW BEFORE LINCOLN!" WHAT I DON'T GET IS WHY THEY

WOULD TELL US.

ARE THEY TRYING TO RAISE THE IDEA NOW, SO IT SEEMS LESS

SHOCKING WHEN THEY BRING IT UP FOR REAL?

"HEY, HONEY, WOULDN'T IT BE SO RANDOM IF WE HAD A THREESOME?

SUPER WEIRD, RIGHT?

HEY, WHY DON'T WE HAVE YOUR FRIEND DORIS OVER ANYMORE?"

( LAUGHTER ) A LITTLE LAUGHTER FROM MY WIFE

OVER THERE.

WOULDN'T THAT BE CRAZY?

WOULDN'T THAT BE SO WEIRD, HON?

SO WEIRD!

DO YOU EVER SEE DORIS ANYMORE?

>> NO.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

( LAUGHTER ) WHEN WE WROTE THAT JOKE, BY THE

WAY, I DID NOT THINK YOU WOULD BE IN THAT CHAIR.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: TRUMP'S PLAN

HINGES ON DELEGITIMIZING MAIL-IN AND

PROVISIONAL BALLOTS AND ANY OTHER VOTES THAT ARE NOT

COUNTED BY THE END OF ELECTION DAY.

TRUMP DOESN'T TRUST ANYTHING THAT COMES IN THE MAIL, UNLESS

IT'S A BRIDE.

(AS TRUMP) "YOU GOTTA REMEMBER TO POKE THE

AIR-HOLES THOUGH.

THAT'S HOW I LOST IVANA TWO."

ONE TRUMP LEGAL ADVISOR EXPLAINED THE PUSH FOR NEW

ELECTORS "WOULD BE FRAMED IN TERMS OF PROTECTING THE

PEOPLE'S WILL" AND THAT STATE LEGISLATURES SHOULD SAY, "WE'VE

BEEN GIVEN THIS CONSTITUTIONAL POWER.

WE DON'T THINK THE RESULTS OF OUR OWN STATE ARE ACCURATE, SO

HERE'S OUR SLATE OF ELECTORS THAT WE THINK PROPERLY REFLECT

THE RESULTS OF OUR STATE."

TRUMP'S LIKE AMERICA'S GASLIGHTING BOYFRIEND.

"PENNSYLVANIA, SWEETIE, YOU'RE CONFUSED.

YOU'RE SO EMOTIONAL, I THINK YOU FILLED OUT ALL THESE BALLOTS AND

FORGOT TO PUT MY NAME.

LET'S THROW THESE AWAY AND WATCH A MOVIE ON NETFLIX, OKAY?

YOU GET TO PICK: IT'S 'GOODFELLAS.'"

NOW, THIS IS, WHAT'S THE WORD, (BLEEP) BALLS CRAZY.

FOR OVER 244 YEARS, WE'VE ALWAYS HAD A PEACEFUL TRANSITION OF

POWER FOLLOWING ELECTIONS.

IT'S KIND OF THE THING THAT MAKES US, US.

BUT WHEN ASKED ABOUT KEEPING WITH THIS TRADITION, TRUMP

FIRMLY COMMITTED TO NOTHING.

>> WILL YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THERE IS A PEACEFUL

TRANSFER OF POWER AFTER THE ELECTION?

>> WELL WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

>> STEPHEN: SO, THE PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES WON'T COMMIT

TO LEAVING OFFICE IF HE LOSES THE ELECTION.

AH, YOU'LL HAVE TO EXCUSE ME.

I THINK I LEFT THE STOVE ON IN NEW ZEALAND, AND I'D LIKE TO

STICK MY HEAD IN IT.

I'M KIDDING, OF COURSE.

NEW ZEALAND WON'T LET OUR PLANES LAND THERE.

WHEN PRESSED ON THE ISSUE, TRUMP DID NOT BACK DOWN.

>> I UNDERSTAND THAT, BUT PEOPLE ARE RIOTING.

DO YOU COMMIT TO MAKING SURE THERE'S A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER?

>> I KNOW.

NOPE.

GET RID OF THE BALLOTS AND YOU'LL HAVE A VERY PEACEFUL,

THERE WON'T BE A TRANSFER FRANKLY.

THERE'LL BE A CONTINUATION.

>> STEPHEN: WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE BALLOTS!

YOU CAN'T GET RID OF THE BALLOTS!

AN ELECTION WITHOUT BALLOTS IS JUST A BUNCH OF ADULTS WHO TOOK

OFF WORK ON TUESDAY BECAUSE THEY LIKED STICKERS.

OF COURSE, REFUSING A PEACEFUL TRANSITION IMPLIES A VIOLENT

TRANSITION.

I DON'T WANT THAT.

I MAJORED IN THEATRE.

THE ONLY FIGHTING EXPERIENCE I HAVE IS STAGE COMBAT.

I DO HAVE A BLACK BELT IN PRETENDING TO PUNCH YOU.

TRUMP'S THREATS TO DISREGARD THE RESULTS OF THE ELECTION ALARMED

TOP DEMOCRATS, WHO SWIFTLY UNLEASHED THEIR MOST POWERFUL

WEAPON: STERN TWEETING.

CHUCK SCHUMER POSTED, "PRESIDENT TRUMP: YOU ARE NOT A DICTATOR

AND AMERICA WILL NOT PERMIT YOU TO BE ONE."

OKAY, I UNDERSTAND THE SENTIMENT, BUT DICTATORS DON'T

GENERALLY ASK PERMISSION.

OTHERWISE, GERMANS IN 1933 WOULD HAVE RECEIVED THIS LETTER:

(GERMAN ACCENT) "DEAR CITIZEN, THE NEW

CHANCELLOR SEEKS PERMISSION TO BURN DOWN THE REICHSTAG.

PLEASE SIGN THIS SLIP AND RETURN IT SO WE CAN THROW IT IN THE

FIRE.

P.S. WE ALSO NEED CHAPERONES FOR DER SPRING FLING."

DER SPRING FLING.

DER SPRING FLING.

WE ALSO GOT A RESPONSE FROM JOE BIDEN:

>> COULD YOU TALK A LITTLE BIT ABOUT PRESIDENT TRUMP'S

COMMENTS TODAY THAT HE DID NOT COMMIT TO A PEACEFUL TRANSFER OF

POWER IF HE LOSES THE ELECTION?

>> WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?

I'M BEING FACETIOUS.

>> STEPHEN: OKAY, I KNOW YOU'RE BEING FACETIOUS, BUT IF YOUR

OPPONENTS MAIN LINE OF ATTACK IS THAT YOU'RE LOSIN' IT, MAYBE

DON'T START WITH, "WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?"

(AS BIDEN) "WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE IN?

WHERE AM I?

I SMELL TOAST!" BUT I ACTUALLY LIKED JOE'S

HONEST REACTION: >> I SAID, WHAT COUNTRY ARE WE

IN?

LOOK, HE SAYS THE MOST IRRATIONAL THINGS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO THAT.

BUT IT'S NOT SURPRISING.

>> STEPHEN: TRUE.

IT'S NOT SURPRISING.

BECAUSE -- AND I'M NOT PUTTING IT PAST TRUMP TO BARRICADE THE

WHITE HOUSE GATES, AND PUT ERIC IN A BABY BJORN AND USE HIM AS A

HUMAN SHIELD, BUT WHAT HE REALLY WANTS IS TO UNDERMINE YOUR FAITH

IN THE ELECTION.

SO YOU'LL GO "WHAT'S THE POINT OF VOTING?"

THE POINT IS: YOU VOTE, HE GOES.

REGARDLESS OF WHAT HE TRIES.

WE JUST NEED TO BURY HIM UNDER A MOUNTAIN OF VOTES.

BECAUSE HE'LL TRY ANYTHING.

HE'S ALREADY PLANNING ON FIGHTING IT ALL THE WAY TO THE

SUPREME COURT.

HE ADMITTED THAT THIS WEEK WHEN HE SAID WHEN HE'D BE ANNOUNCING

HIS NOMINEE.

>> I THINK THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

I THINK THIS WILL END UP IN THE SUPREME COURT AND I THINK IT'S

VERY IMPORTANT THAT WE HAVE NINE JUSTICES.

>> STEPHEN: HE THINKS THEY'LL BE ON HIS SIDE.

IF HE APPOINTED THEM.

I'D LIKE TO HEAR THE JOB INTERVIEW.

(AS TRUMP) "I'M CONSIDERING YOU FOR A

LIFETIME APPOINTMENT TO ONE OF THE MOST POWERFUL POSITIONS IN

AMERICA, BUT I'D LIKE YOU TO DO US A FAVOR, THOUGH."

IN A RELATED STORY, TRUMP VISITED THE SUPREME COURT, WHERE

RUTH BADER GINSBURG WAS LYING IN REPOSE.

NOW, HE DID WEAR A MASK, WHICH IS GOOD.

PROTECTS PEOPLE AROUND HIM FROM SEEING HIS FACE.

BUT, UNFORTUNATELY, THE CROWD STILL RECOGNIZED HIM.

SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THE EXACT MOMENT THEY NOTICED HE WAS

THERE.

(BOOING) >> VOTE HIM OUT!

VOTE HIM OUT!

VOTE HIM OUT!

>> STEPHEN: ONCE AGAIN, GINSBURG DELIVERING A FIERY DISSENT.

NOW, REPUBLICANS GET OUTRAGED WHEN YOU SAY THAT ALL THEIR

ENTIRE POLITICAL STRATEGY IS VOTER SUPPRESSION.

THEY GET EVEN MORE OUTRAGED WHEN YOU STOP THEM.

TAKE FLORIDA.

IN 2018, FLORIDA VOTERS OVERWHELMING APPROVED AMENDMENT

FOUR, WHICH RESTORED VOTING RIGHTS TO FELONS WHO HAD

COMPLETED THEIR SENTENCES.

MAKES SENSE.

PAY YOUR DEBT TO SOCIETY, YOU GET TO VOTE.

BUT THE REPUBLICAN-CONTROLLED LEGISLATURE AND GOVERNOR THEN

PASSED A LAW DENYING THOSE RIGHTS TO ANYONE WHO STILL OWED

MONEY FOR OLD FINES.

DENYING THEM A FUNDAMENTAL DEMOCRATIC RIGHT BECAUSE THEY

OWE A FINE IS PRETTY SEVERE.

THAT'S LIKE HAVING AN OVERDUE LIBRARY BOOK SO THE LIBRARIAN

NEUTERS YOU.

IRONICALLY, THE BOOK WAS "A SEPARATE PIECE."

ENTER FORMER NEW YORK MAYOR, AND LAWN GNOME WHOSE HAT WAS JUST

TAKEN BY A SQUIRREL, MIKE BLOOMBERG.

BLOOMBERG HELPED RAISE MORE THAN $20 MILLION SO THAT FELONS WHO

COMPLETED THEIR PRISON SENTENCES CAN VOTE IN THE PRESIDENTIAL

ELECTION, THEREBY RE-ENFRANCHISING ABOUT 31,000

PEOPLE.

HELL YEAH, WE'VE GOT A RICH GUY ON OUR SIDE!

HE'S MAKING IT RAIN DEMOCRACY!

CHECK HIS COUCH CUSHIONS-- MAYBE WE CAN BAIL OUT THE POST OFFICE!

BLOOMBERG DIDN'T DO IT ALONE.

OTHER DONORS INCLUDED, JOHN LEGEND, MICHAEL JORDAN, AND

LEBRON JAMES.

IN FACT, BLOOMBERG MADE THE ANNOUNCEMENT WITH LEBRON.

(AS BLOOMBERG) "THANK YOU, MR. KING JAMES.

NOW I WOULD LIKE TO TOMAHAWK DUNK USING THIS WALNUT.

HIIIYAH."

( LAUGHTER ) >> Stephen: SERIOUSLY, THANK

YOU FOR DOING THAT, MAYOR.

SO 31,000 MORE FLORIDIANS ARE GOING TO BE ABLE TO VOTE THIS

ELECTION.

YOU'D IMAGINE THEIR DEMOCRATICALLY-ELECTED OFFICIALS

WOULD BE THRILLED.

YOU'D BE WRONG.

ENTER FLORIDA ATTORNEY GENERAL, AND WOMAN WATCHING A BAG OF

PUPPIES BEING LOWERED INTO THE RIVER, ASHLEY MOODY.

YESTERDAY, MOODY SENT LETTERS TO THE FLORIDA DEPARTMENT OF LAW

ENFORCEMENT AND THE F.B.I., ASKING THEM TO REVIEW

ALLEGATIONS THAT BLOOMBERG AND THE FLORIDA RIGHTS RESTORATION

COALITION HAD VIOLATED THE LAW BY OFFERING INCENTIVES FOR

VOTING.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN INCENTIVE TO VOTE: IF YOU DON'T, THE

PRESIDENT SAYS HE'S GOING TO STEAL THE ELECTION.

F.B.I., YOU MIGHT WANT TO LOOK INTO THAT.

WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.

MY GUESTS ARE CALIFORNIA REPRESENTATIVE KATIE PORTER AND

DALLAS COWBOYS GREAT TONY ROMO.

BUT WHEN WE RETURN, "MEANWHILE!" STICK AROUND.

>> Stephen: WELCOME BACK, EVERYBODY.

LET'S SAY HELLO TO OUR FRIEND JON BATISTE.

JON, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Jon: IT'S ALWAYS GOOD TO BE SEEN AND GOOD TO SEE YOU.

>> Stephen: A LOT OF PEOPLE GET TO SEE YOU THIS WEEKEND

BECAUSE YOU'RE DOING FARM AID, RIGHT?

TELL ME ABOUT THE CONCERT.

>> Jon: FARM AID STARTED BY WILLIE NELSON, JOHN MELLENCAMP,

NEIL YOUNG.

WHAT THEY'RE DOING SIN CREDIBLE, HELPING THE COUNTRY'S FIRST

FARMERS, INDIGENOUS PEOPLE, BLACK FARMERS KEEP THEIR LAND

AND BATTLE AGAINST THE CORPORATE POWER STRUCTURE, THAT IS TRYING

TO CHANGE TO COURSE OF HOW WE EAT AND LIVE.

>> Stephen: DOES YOUR FAMILY HAVE A FARM, JOHN?

>> Jon: MY FAMILY GOES BACK SEVEN GENERATIONS OF FARMERS IN

CLAYTON COUNTY, GEORGIA, AND EVENTUALLY NEW ORLEANS.

AND MY GRANDFATHER WAS THE FIRST NONFARMER.

HE MOVED FROM LAFAYETTE, LOUISIANA, TO NEW ORLEANS.

>> Stephen: SUCKED IN BY THE ALLURE OF THE BIG CITY.

>> Jon: YEAH, YOU KNOW, THE BIG CITY OF NEW ORLEANS, AND THE

MUSIC IS SOMETHING.

THAT'S HOW WE GOT THE MUSIC GOING.

>> Stephen: WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANY FARM MUSIC FOR US?

>> Jon: OH, YEAH.

>> Stephen: CAN WE GET A LITTLE PREVIEW FOR THE WEEKEND?

>> Jon: HE TAUGHT ME THIS LICK, ACTUALLY.

THIS IS ONE OF THE FIRST LICKS --

♪ ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE ZYDECO FARMERS, THEY

HAVE ACCORDIANS ON THE FARM.

LAFAYETTE, THE HOME OF CLIFTON, ZYDECO COUNTRY, BABY.

>> Stephen: LATCH A COUPLE OF ACCORDIONS TO THE PLOW AND OFF

YOU GO.

( LAUGHTER ) >> Jon: YEAH, THAT'S HOW YOU

GOTTA GO 'DO IT.

THAT'S IT.

JON BATISTE, EVERYBODY.

>> Jon: MUCH LOVE.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW, FOLKS, MOST TO HAVE THE TIME, I

LOVE TO COLLECT ALL MY MOST PRECIOUS NEWS MEMENTOS OF THE

DAY; THE MOST TOPICAL CRYSTAL VASES, FABERGE EGGS, AND

HAND-TURNED BOWLS TO PUT ON DISPLAY FOR YOU IN THE FINE OAK

HUTCH CABINET, WITH ACCENTED DOWN-LIGHTING, THAT IS MY

MONOLOGUE. BUT SOMETIMES I LIKE TO GATHER UP SOME BUSTED OLD

BABY STROLLERS, BLOOD STAINED SUITS, AND HAIRLESS DOLL HEADS,

AND SHOVE 'EM INTO THE DUSTY AND TERRIFYING CRAWLSPACE OF NEWS

THAT IS MY SEGMENT: "QUARANTINE-WHILE!"

QUARANTINE-WHILE, DUE TO THE ONGOING PANDEMIC, "THE NEW

YEAR'S EVE BALL DROP IN TIMES SQUARE WILL BE VIRTUAL THIS

YEAR."

OH, NO, NOW I CAN'T GO TO TIMES SQUARE ON NEW YEAR'S EVE LIKE I

WILL NEVER DO.

A TIMES SQUARE SPOKESMAN SAID "ONE THING THAT WILL NEVER

CHANGE IS THE TICKING OF TIME AND THE ARRIVAL OF A NEW YEAR

AT MIDNIGHT ON DECEMBER 31."

THANKS FOR THE PEP TALK, BUDDY.

HE ADDED, "AGE LAPS AT OUR HEELS LIKE A HUNGERING WOLF, TIME'S

THIRST CANNOT BE SLAKED, WE ARE ALL BORN ASTRIDE A GRAVE...

HAPPY NEW YEAR."

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE MAKERS OF THE "GUNDAM" ANIME TV SERIES

HAVE JUST UNVEILED THIS LIFE-SIZED, 59-FOOT, 25-TON,

MOVING GUNDAM AT THEIR FACTORY IN YOKOHAMA JAPAN.

THAT IS AN AMAZING FEAT OF TECHNOLOGY, A HUGE DRAW FOR THE

FANS, AND-- THIS BEING JAPAN-- SOMEONE'S DEFINITELY GONNA HAVE

SEX WITH IT.

WHAT'S EVEN MORE AMAZING IS THIS BUILDING-SIZED ROBOT EVEN HAS

THE ABILITY TO KNEEL.

IN RESPONSE, THE N.F.L. HAS BUILT A FIVE-STORY CHIEFS FAN TO

SCREAM AT THE GUNDAM FOR DISRESPECTING THE FLAG.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, THE "WWE HAS ANNOUNCED A NEW LINE OF WINES

FEATURING THE ULTIMATE WARRIOR," AND "THE UNDERTAKER."

AND IF YOU POUND ENOUGH WWE WINE, YOU GET A CHANCE TO MEET

THE UNDERTAKER.

ACCORDING TO THE PRESS RELEASE THE TAKER-THEMED WINE IS A

LIMITED EDITION CABERNET SAUVIGNON, AND THE

WARRIOR-THEMED WINE IS A ZINFANDEL.

MMM.

MMM.

I'M GETTING NOTES OF FOLDING CHAIR AND SPANDEX CROTCH-SWEAT.

MM-MMM.

QUARANTINE-WHILE, TUESDAY MARKED 60 YEARS TO THE DAY THAT "A MAN

HAS KEPT RICHARD NIXON'S HALF-EATEN SANDWICH" WHICH HE

KEEPS IN THIS JAR.

SOUNDS A LITTLE ODD BUT THERE'S A FUN STORY BEHIND IT.

STEVE JENNY WAS A BOY SCOUT IN ILLINOIS WHEN THEN PRESIDENT

NIXON STOPPED BY A COOKOUT AT A LOCAL PARK.

NIXON TOOK A COUPLE OF BITES OF A SANDWICH, SAID IT WAS GOOD,

AND THEN LEFT.

WHICH IS WHEN JENNE-- I WANT TO SAY SPRANG?

--INTO ACTION.

>> ONCE HE LEFT, I JUST LOOKED DOWN AT THE PICNIC TABLE AND

EVERYBODY ELSE WAS GONE, AND THAT HALF-EATEN SANDWICH WAS

STILL ON THE PAPER PLATE.

I PICKED IT UP AND HOPPED ON MY BICYCLE AND SPED HOME AND RAN IN

THE DOOR, I SAID, "MOM, I'VE GOT A SANDWICH THAT NIXON TOOK A

COUPLE OF BITES OUT OF."

>> STEPHEN: TRULY, THESE ARE THE MOMENTS IN HISTORY THAT MAKE ONE

PAUSE AND SAY, "ALL RIGHT."

( LAUGHTER ) OF COURSE, THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY

TO BE SURE THIS IS REALLY RICHARD NIXON'S SANDWICH.

SCIENTISTS MUST TEST THE SANDWICH FOR NIXON'S D.N.A.,

THEN OBVIOUSLY, ONCE THEY HAVE THE DNA, THEY HAVE TO CLONE

RICHARD NIXON AND MAKE HIM FIGHT THAT

"GUNDAM" ROBOT.

( LAUGHTER ) QUARANTINE-WHILE, A POLL OF

1,000 SMARTPHONE USERS FOUND THAT "40% OF AMERICANS WOULD

GIVE UP THEIR DOG FOR A MONTH TO KEEP THEIR SMARTPHONE."

SOUNDS HEARTLESS, UNTIL YOU REALIZE 100% OF DOGS WOULD GIVE

UP THEIR OWNER FOREVER FOR HALF A RITZ CRACKER.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER.

YOU KNOW BENNY WOULD JUST TURN US IN.

>> STEPHEN: WELCOME BACK.

MY FIRST GUEST IS A CONGRESSWOMAN FROM CALIFORNIA

KNOWN FOR HER TOUGH QUESTIONING IN CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS.

YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE A FEW OF THESE MOMENTS.

>> DO YOU KNOW WHAT AN OREO IS?

AAN OREO?

NO AN REO.

WOULD YOU COMMIT TO THE C.D.C.

USING THE EXISTING AUTHORITY TO PAY FOR DIAGNOSTIC B TESTING

FREE TO EVERY AMERICAN REGARDLESS OF INSURANCE?

>> WE'RE GOING TO MAKE EVERYTHING EVERYBODY CAN DO --

>> NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

WHAT IS THE COST OF A FIRST CLASS POSTAGE STAMP.

>> 55 CENTS.

JUST WANTED TO CHECK.

HOW ABOUT TO MAIL A POSTCARD?

>> I DON'T KNOW.

>> Stephen: WELCOME CONGRESSWOMAN PORTER.

THANKS SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

I HAVE TO WATCH THE CONGRESSIONAL HEARINGS JUST TO

SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

OFTEN I HAVE IT ON MUTE.

>> YOU'RE NOT MISSING MUCH.

>> Stephen: WHEN I SEE IT'S YOU, I TAKE IT OFF MUTE BECAUSE

I KNOW THAT YOU USUALLY HAVE A CLEAR POINT OF VIEW AND YOU

DON'T TAKE ANY B.S.

WHEN YOU KNOW SOMEBODY HAS BEEN OBFUSCATING, ARE YOU JUST

SALIVATING TO GET YOUR QUESTIONS OUT?

>> WELL, I MEAN, I THINK IT'S OFTEN NOT SO MUCH THAT THEY ARE

UNTRUTHFUL IS THEY'RE BEING INCOMPETENT AND I THINK THAT'S

WHERE YEARS OF TEACHING STUDENTS REALLY COMES IN HANDY.

I REALLY APPRECIATE ALL THE STUDENTS WHO CAME IN HUNG OVER,

UNPREPARED, DIDN'T DO THEIR HOMEWORK BECAUSE THAT'S AN AWFUL

LOT LIKE QUESTIONING TRUMP ADMINISTRATION OFFICIALS.

WHEN I WAS TALKING WITH SECRETARY BEN CARSON, YOU KNOW,

I AM NO STRANGER TO PEOPLE NODDING ALONG AS IF THEY'RE

FOLLOWING ME AND HAVING NO IDEA AND THAT'S PRETTY CLEAR WHAT HE

WAS DOING.

>> Stephen: SOMETIMES YOUR QUESTIONING ACTUALLY SEEMS LIKE

A TEACHER, AND I THINK YOU MIGHT HAVE LEARNED IT -- CORRECT ME IF

I'M WRONG -- FROM YOUR MENTOR, ELIZABETH WARREN, SEEN HERE.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE BEING PRESENTED A MEDAL OF EXCELLENCE OF SOME

KIND BY ELIZABETH WARREN.

>> THE HIGHLY COVETED BANKRUPTCY MEDAL OF EXCELLENCE.

>> Stephen: THIS IS IN LAW SCHOOL AND NOT IN BANKRUPTCY

COURT?

>> CORRECT, IN HARVARD LAW SCHOOL.

SHE WAS MY PROFESSOR FOR BANKRUPTCY CLASS.

I RECEIVED THE MEDAL BEATING OUT THE STUDENT WHO ACTUALLY

RECEIVED THE A PLUS.

I THINK I WAS HER FAVORITE BECAUSE I GOT THE MEDAL.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE BEST ADVICE SHE'S GIVEN YOU THEN AND

NOW THAT YOU'RE IN CONGRESS?

>> THE VERY BEST ADVICE SHE'S EVER GIVEN ME AS I'VE GONE

THROUGH MY CAREER THERE HAVE BEEN THINGS I HAVE WANTED TO DO

THAT HAVE NOT BEEN POSSIBLE AND SHE ALWAYS SAID DOORS ARE GOING

TO CLOSE AND OTHERS WILL OPEN, IT'S YOUR JOB TO BE WATCHING FOR

THEM OPENING AND YOU HAVE TO DECIDE IF YOU WANT TO WALK

THROUGH.

BUT SHE HAS THIS CONCEPT THAT IS ONE OPPORTUNITY IS GONE, ANOTHER

ONE WILL COME FORWARD, SO NOT TO SPEND ANY TIME LAMENTING THE

PAST AND JUST BEING LOOKING FOR THE NEXT DOOR TO WALK THROUGH.

>> Stephen: YOU ARE KNOWN TO BE AND IT'S SOMETHING THAT'S

VERY UNIQUE, YOU'RE THE ONLY SINGLE MOM IN CONGRESS RIGHT

NOW, AND WHAT IS IT -- YOU HAVE THREE KIDS, RIGHT?

>> YEAH, I THINK SO.

I MEAN -- >> Stephen: IT VARIES FROM DAY

TO DAY?

>> NO, IT REALLY DOES.

I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOLER, MIDDLE SCHOOLER AND AN ELEMENTARY

SCHOOLER.

TODAY WAS THEIR FIRST DAY OF IN-PERSON EDUCATION, AND THE

HIGH SCHOOLER I TOOK, AND THE HIGH SCHOOLER CALLED ME FIVE

MINUTES LATER AND SAID COME GET HIM, YOU'RE HERET AT THE WRONG

DAY, WRONG TIME, WRONG PLACE, ALL THOSE THINGS.

MY MIDDLE SCHOOLER STARTED WALKING TO SCHOOL AND GOT LOST

DESPITE THE FACT HE'S GONE TO THAT SCHOOL SIX YEARS, AND I

HAVEN'T SEEN MIMI ELEMENTARY SCHOOLER SO I ASSUME SHE'S RUN

OFF TO MEXICO.

>> Stephen: YOU SEEM VERY RELAXED ABOUT IT.

>> THEY'RE LIKELY SUPERVISED CHILDREN.

>> Stephen: FREE RANGED.

LIGHTLY BUTTERED, LIKE HOW WE ALL THINK WE HAVE OUR TOAST.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S HARDER, WORKING IN CONGRESS OR BEING A

SINGLE MOM OF THREE BECAUSE I IMAGINE CONGRESS IS A LITTLE

HARD TO CONTROL AS WELL.

>> THE THREE CHILDREN WITH DEFINITELY TOUGHER.

THEY'RE TOUGHER ON ME.

I HAVE NEVER ENCOUNTERED A WITNESS THAT THE AS CLOSE TO AS

DIFFICULT AS ANY ONE OF MY CHILDREN WHEN THEY'RE BEHAVING.

>> Stephen: DO YOUR CHILDREN DEBATE YOU?

MINE DO.

>> THEY TROLL ME!

MY SON HAS A SIGN ON HIS DOOR THAT SAYS ZERO EMISSIONS 2030 OR

DO NOT ENTER.

>> Stephen: NICE.

NICE.

NOW YOU ARE SPONSORING A NEW BILL IN CONGRESS THAT

STRENGTHENED CONGRESS' POWER TO CHECK THE EXECUTIVE BRANCH AND

PREVENTS ABUSES OF POWER BY THE PRESIDENT.

IS THAT INSPIRED BY ANYONE IN PARTICULAR, MA'AM?

>> NO, NO, JUST MY GENERAL CONCERN ABOUT EXECUTIVE POWER.

I MEAN, OF COURSE, IT'S INSPIRED BY TRUMP.

THIS IS A MAN WHO, YOU KNOW, I THINK, WHEN YOU HAVE PEOPLE

EXPANDING THE ROLE OF EXECUTIVE POWER BUT THEY'RE USING IT

RELATIVELY COMPETENTLY, IT SEEMS OKAY, BUT HERE WE HAVE SOMEONE

EXPANDING THE ROLE OF EXECUTIVE POWER AND MAKING A MESS OF IT.

I REALLY DO THINK THERE IS A POINT HERE THAT'S NOT JUST ABOUT

DONALD TRUMP, BUT IT'S REALLY ABOUT THE ROLE OF CONGRESS IN

THE FEDERAL GOVERNMENT, AND SOME OF MY COLLEAGUES WILL SAY WE'RE

THREE CO-EQUAL BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.

MALARKEY, WE ARE NOT THREE CO-EQUAL BRANCHES OF GOVERNMENT.

THE LEGISLATIVE BRANCH IS THE PREEMINENT BRANCH OF GOVERNMENT

AND THOSE OTHER PEOPLE, THE PRESIDENT, THE SUPREME COURT,

THEY ARE SUBSERVIENT TO US BECAUSE WE ARE THE BRANCH THAT

ARE CLOSEST TO THE PEOPLE, AND THAT'S EXACTLY THOUSAND THE

FOUNDERS INTENDED IT TO BE.

OR MAYBE I TELL MYSELF THAT BECAUSE I'M A LOWLY HOUSE MEMBER

BUT IT WORKS FOR ME.

>> Stephen: SURE, MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER.

BUT FOR YOUR BILL TO HAVE EFFECT, A PRESIDENT HAS TO SIGN

IT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK THE ODDS ARE DONALD TRUMP WOULD SIGN THE BILL

LIMITING HIS OWN POWER?

>> NONE.

>> Stephen: WHAT ABOUT JOE BIDEN?

DO YOU THINK JOE BIDEN WOULD SIGN A BILL LIKE THIS?

BECAUSE I HAVE ASKED JOE BIDEN.

I ASKED OTHER PEOPLE WHO ARE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT, NOT ONLY

THIS TIME BUT MRS. CLINTON AND THEN BACK IN 2008 WOULD YOU GIVE

UP ANY POWER ESTABLISHED BY THE PREVIOUS PRESIDENT OR GRABBED OR

ACCUMULATED BY THE PRESIDENT, NO ONE EVER NAMED THE THING THEY

WOULD GIVE UP.

>> NO, BECAUSE IF YOU ASK SOMEBODY, HI, CAN I HAVE HALF

YOUR OREOS, THEY WILL SAY THE SAME THING, NO, I WANT THEM ALL.

SO IT'S NOT ABOUT ASKING THE PRESIDENT.

IT'S ABOUT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE DEMANDING RESPONSIVE GOVERNMENT,

AND THAT MEANS REALLOCATING AND MAKING SURE THINGS LIKE THE

POWER TO DECLARE WAR, THE POWER OF THE PURSE, THAT THESE THINGS

ARE APPROPRIATELY CONGRESSIONAL POWERS, SO THE PEOPLE NEED TO

BRING THE PRESSURE ON THE PRESIDENT.

I DON'T THINK ANY PRESIDENT WOULD WILLFULLY CHOOSE TO GIVE

UP POWER.

BUT THAT'S NOT THEIR CHOICE.

IT'S OUR DECISION ABOUT HOW TO ALLOCATE THIS POWER, THE

AMERICAN PEOPLE'S DECISION.

>> Stephen: DO YOU THINK CONGRESS DOESN'T FLEX HIS

MUSCLES ENOUGH?

>> I THINK OUR MUSCLES ARE DOWNRIGHT FLABBY.

I THINK IT'S REALLY, REALLY BEEN ILL LOSILLUSTRATIVE FOR THE AMEN

PEOPLE.

THEY SEE THESE TWEETS AND THEY ALL SAY DO SOMETHING.

DON'T TELL ME WHAT DONALD TRUMP IS DOING WRONG DO, SOMETHING

ABOUT IT.

TBUT THE TRUTH IS WE'VE ALLOCATD SO MUCH POWER TO THE EXECUTIVE

IT'S HARD FOR US TO TAKE ACTION.

SOME OF IT THE PRESIDENT'S USURPED AND SOME OF IT CONGRESS

HAS GIVEN AWAY, SO IT'S HARD TO BALANCE.

>> Stephen: WHAT'S THE FIRST POWER YOU SAY I DON'T NEED THIS

ONE, IF YOU GET TO SIT IN THE CHAIR.

>> I THINK WE NEED TO ALLOCATE MORE POWER TO CONGRESS AWAY FROM

THE PRESIDENT.

I DON'T THINK IT'S SOMETHING WE OUGHT TO HAVE SOLELY A NATIONAL

SECURITY FRAME OF, SO I THINK THAT'S SOMETHING WHERE THE

DIVERSITY OF THE COUNTRY DEBATING THE ISSUE WILL GET US

TO A BETTER BALANCE THAN ONE PERSON MAKING THOSE DECISIONS

BECAUSE THEY NIGHT BRING, SAY, RACISM OR MAYBE XENOPHOBIA INTO

THEIR DECISION-MAKING.

>> Stephen: WELL, CONGRESSWOMAN PORTER, THANK YOU

SO MUCH FOR BEING HERE.

>> ABSOLUTELY.

>> Stephen: AND, PLEASE, CONTINUE TO GIVE THEM THE MOST

REASONABLE HELL.

CONGRESSWOMAN KATIE PORTER, EVERYBODY.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH CBS SPORTS STAR TONY ROMO.

♪ >> Stephen: WELCOME BACK,

SPORTS FANS.

MY NEXT GUEST SPENT 14 SEASONS IN THE N.F.L. AS A QUARTERBACK

FOR THE DALLAS COWBOYS.

HE IS NOW A SPORTS ANALYST RIGHT HERE ON CBS.

PLEASE WELCOME TO "A LATE SHOW," TONY ROMO!

TONY, THANKS FOR BEING HERE.

HOW ARE YA?

>> I'M DOING GOOD.

HOW ARE YOU DOING?

>> Stephen: FINE.

NOT COMPLAINING.

I'M LUCKY.

WE'VE BOTH GOT JOBS AND WE GET TO DO WHAT WE LOVE TO DO WHEN A

LOT OF PEOPLE CAN'T.

I HAVE TO ASK ABOUT YOUR JOB, YOU'VE SPENT 14 YEARS IN THE

N.F.L. AND YOU NOW HAVE THIS JOB THAT PAYS HANDSOMELY.

YOU TO A GREAT JOB AT IT AND THERE AREN'T 300-POUND MEN

RUSHING AT YOU TRYING TO PULVERIZE YOUR FUMER.

DID IT OCCUR TO YOU THAT YOU JUST SHOULD HAVE SWITCHED OVER

SOONER?

>> THE FACT THAT YOU SAID FEMUR YOU LOST ME BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO

UNDERSTAND I DON'T KNOW THESE BIG WORDS YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

>> Stephen: YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A FEMUR PLOW THE FIELD?

>> THAT'S GOOD.

YOU KNOW A LITTLE ABOUT FOOTBALL.

>> Stephen: I KNOW YOU'RE NOT ROGER STAUBACH.

>> AND YOU'RE NOT JOHNNY CARSON.

>> Stephen: WHOO!

I LOVE IT!

>> GREAT TO BE ON THE SHOW.

ALWAYS GOOD TO TALK TO YOU.

>> Stephen: LET'S TALK ABOUT FOOTBALL IN THE TIME OF COVID.

LET'S TALK ABOUT FOOTBALL RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE CALLING THESE GAMES.

THERE'S NO N.F.L. CROWD THERE.

FIRST OF ALL, HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT PEOPLE PUMPING IN THE FAKE

CROWD NOISE OVER THE GAME?

>> YOU KNOW, IT'S A GREAT QUESTION.

>> Stephen: THANK YOU.

I'M A GREAT HOST.

I'M NO JOHNNY CARSON, BUT I'M A GREAT HOST.

YOU CAN TELL BY THE GREAT QUESTIONS, TONY ROMO.

>> LET'S NOT GO CRAZY.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I WILL SAY IT IS A GOOD QUESTION BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE

SAME THING, STEPHEN, WHEREAS LIKE RIGHT NOW EVEN IF WE'RE

DOING THIS AND TALKING YOU'RE USED TO HAVING SOMEBODY LAUGH

WHEN YOU MAKE A JOKE.

THAT'S RARE FOR YOU, I KNOW.

>> Stephen: I UNDERSTAND.

WHEN SOMEONE ACTUALLY LAUGHS, IT GIVES YOU FEEDBACK.

WHEN YOU'RE AN ANNOUNCER, YOU CAN PLAY OFF THAT AND YOU CHANGE

AND ADJUST, AND I THINK IT'S A HAIR DIFFERENT FROM THAT

PERSPECTIVE, BUT WHEN THEY PUMP CROWD NOISE IN MY EAR I FEEL

IT'S THE SAME THING.

I MAKE JOKES ON THE AIR.

I'M, LIKE, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE CROWD IS GOING CRAZY RIGHT NOW!

THAT'S UNBELIEVABLE!

THESE GUYS CAN'T EVEN SIT IN THEIR SEATS.

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

>> Stephen: LAST WEEK THE EAGLES PUMPED IN BOOING.

IS THAT FAIR?

>> I DIDN'T KNOW THEY DID THAT.

>> Stephen: YES.

BECAUSE IT WAS TRULY AND EAGLES CROWD.

THEY LOADED BATTERIES INTO A T-SHIRT CANON AND STARTED FIRING

THEM AT THE FIELD.

>> THEY HAVE BEEN BOOING FOR YEARS, ESPECIALLY WHEN I WAS

THERE.

I'D WALK OUT AND THEY'D BOO AND I'D THINK, THEY LOVE ME, THAT

HAS TO BE A GOOD THING.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU HEAR FROM THE PLAYERS ABOUT HOW

DIFFERENT IT IS TO PLAY WITHOUT A CROWD BECAUSE THE ENERGY HAS

TO HELP YOU.

>> IT DOES.

EVERYONE WANTS TO TALK ABOUT HOW THEY NEED THAT ENERGY BUT,

REALLY, YOU'RE EVALUATED EVERY DAY IN LIFE, SO IT'S LIKE WHEN

YOU PLAY IN THE N.F.L. ON WEDNESDAY, THURSDAY, FRIDAY,

YOU'RE AT PRACTICE, THE COACHES WATCH THE TAPE, THE PLAYERS, AND

YOU CARE DEEPLY ABOUT HOW YOU'RE PERCEIVED TO YOUR TEAMMATES AND

COACHES AND YOU'RE TRYING TO HELP YOUR TEAM WIN AND ALL OF A

SUDDEN THERE'S NOBODY THERE AND THE GAMES ARE A LOT LIKE THAT

WHERE IT'S LIKE, OKAY, THEY'RE JUST GOING TO SHOW UP AND PLAY

AND HAVE TO DO THEIR JOB?

OF COURSE, THE FANS HELP TREMENDOUSLY.

I MEAN, IT REALLY IS A BIG DEAL.

BUT IN THE N.F.L., IT'S FIGHT OR FLIGHT.

WHEN YOU WALK OUT THERE, I PROMISE YOU, YOU COULD GET HURT

IN TWO SECONDS.

YOU WANT TO TAKE A PLAY OFF, I DON'T HAVE GREAT ENERGY TODAY --

WWHACK!

YOU'RE GOING TO GET HURT.

>> Stephen: HERE'S ANOTHER THING ABOUT FOOTBALL IN THE TIME

OF COVID, PEOPLE LOOK TO SPORTS AS AN ESCAPE FOR THEIR WEEK,

WHATEVER THE TROUBLES OF THE AT A ARE.

IT'S AN INCREASINGLY TROUBLED COUNTRY NOW.

DO YOU THINK IT CAN STILL PLAY THAT ROLE FOR PEOPLE BECAUSE

SOME PEOPLE WANT TO SEPARATE OUR SPORTS FROM OUR POLITICS.

DO YOU THINK THEY CAN SURVIVE THESE DAYS?

>> YEAH, A GREAT QUESTION.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD GET INTO POLITICS AND TOUGH QUESTIONS.

>> Stephen: I'M ASKING YOU ABOUT FOOTBALL.

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN PRESERVE LIKE THAT ESCAPE QUALITY IT'S

ALWAYS HAD FOR US?

>> I THINK IT'S ALWAYS BEEN THAT WAY.

I THINK IT WILL ALWAYS BE THAT WAY.

I DO THINK THAT, YOU KNOW, WHENEVER YOU'RE IN AN ELECTION

YEAR, STUFF ALWAYS IS GOING TO BE COMMUNICATED AND TALKED ABOUT

A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENTLY.

I THINK THAT'S ALWAYS THE CASE.

AND I ALSO WILL TELL YOU SPORTS, YOU'RE TALKING TO A SPORTS GUY,

SO FOR ME IT'S LIKE, WHEN I GREW UP, I NEVER WATCHED THE NEWS ONE

TIME.

I WATCHED ONLY JOHNNY CARSON AND WHEN HE WAS GONE EVERYONE WAS

TERRIBLE.

>> Stephen: I TOTALLY AGREE.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T WATCH FOOTBALL ANYMORE, NO STAUBACH.

>> WELL, YOU PLAYED THAT ONE PLAY IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, THAT WAS

THE BIG THING.

YOU GOT THAT ONE SERIES?

>> Stephen: I PLAYED ONE DAY.

ONE DAY!

>> IT'S NOT CIRCLE.

THAT GIVES YOU CREDIBLE.

I LOVE SPORTS.

I LOVE IT WHEN IT'S ON.

I LOVE IT AND ALL I CAN TALK ABOUT IS WHAT I THINK AND FEEL.

YOU'RE TRYING TO FEEL OTHER PEOPLE AND --

>> Stephen: WE HAVE TO TAKE A BREAK.

WE SAY HALF TIME IN FOOTBALL.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH MORE MR. TONY ROMO.

♪ >> NEW YORK HAD THE HIGHEST

DEATH RATE IN THE WORLD.

HOW COULD WE POSSIBLY BE JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND SAYING, OH,

GOVERNOR CUOMO DID A GREAT JOB.

>> YOU'VE MISCONSTRUED THAT SENATOR AND YOU'VE DONE THAT

REPETITIVELY IN THE PAST.

>> DESPITE ALL THE THINGS WE'VE DONE IN THE U.S., OUR DEATH RATE

IS ESSENTIALLY WORSE THAN SWEDEN, BUT COMPARE SWEDEN'S

DEATH RATE TO OTHER COMPA COMPARABLE --

>> UH, SCANDINAVIAN COUNTRIES, IT'S WORSE.

>> OR THEY'VE DEVELOPED ENOUGH COMMUNITY IMMUNITY THEY'RE NO

LONGER HAVING THE PANDEMIC.

>> IF YOU BELIEVE 22% IS HERD IMMUNITY, I BELIEVE YOU'RE OWN

IN THAT.

>> THERE'S THOSE WHO HAVE CROSS REACTIVITY.

>> A STUDY CAME OUT THAT SAID PREEXISTING IMMUNITY TO

CORONAVIRUS IS THAT A COMMON COLD DR. .

>> IS MAN CAPABLE OF ALTERING THE COURSE OF AN INFECTIOUS

DISEASE -- ♪

♪ >> Stephen: HEY, EVERYBODY!

WE'RE BACK WITH MR. TONY ROMO.

TONY, WHERE WE ALWAYS COME TOGETHER AS A FAMILY IS

THANKSGIVING TO PLAY A GAME.

I'M NOT ALWAYS THE QUARTERBACK OR NEVER THE QUARTERBACK, BUT

YOU GOT ANY -- COME ON, THESE GUNS?

COME ON, THESE ROCKET LAUNCHERS?

YOU DON'T NEED A MICROSCOPE, MAN.

THEY'RE THERE!

COME ON!

COME ON!

BOOM!

BOOM!

WELCOME TO THE -- LOOK A THAT.

LOOKT AT THAT.

CAN WE EDIT THIS OUT?

DO WE HAVE TO KEEP THIS?

IT'S REALLY HOT IN HERE.

WE CAN'T HAVE ANY AIRSTRIKE TIGS NING ON BECAUSE OF COVID RIGHT

NOW SO -- >> WELL, YOU'RE DOING A GOOD JOB

FOR THE ENVIRONMENT.

I'M PROUD OF YOU.

>> Stephen: DO YOU HAVE ANY TIPS FOR ME ON THANKSGIVING DAY?

IT'S TAG BUT IT'S SERIOUS.

>> THE MOST IMPORTANT THING, YOU HAVE TO RELATE -- WHEN YOU'RE

TALKING ABOUT THANKSGIVING TO PEOPLE, YOU HAVE TO RELATE IT TO

THAT PERSON, THAT INDIVIDUAL.

FOR YOU, I WOULD SAY DON'T PLAY BECAUSE IT'S NOT GOING TO END

WELL.

OTHER PEOPLE I WOULD SAY PLAY BECAUSE IT'S ENJOYABLE.

BUT IT'S GOING TO BE POOR FOR YOU.

>> Stephen: WHAT DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO GO FIRST, MY ANKLES

OR KNEES?

>> YOUR ARM PITS, I THINK.

>> Stephen: THE ARMS WILL JUST SHEAR OFF BECAUSE THEY'RE SO

LUBRICATED?

THEY'LL JUST SNAP OFF?

( LAUGHTER ) >> NO, JUST --

>> Stephen: TEACH ME TO CALL A PLAY TONY ROMO STYLE.

>> OKAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EASY ONE SO WE DON'T GET TOO DEEP INTO THE PLAY

BOOK.

>> Stephen: OKAY.

I'LL GO WITH I RIGHT.

>> Stephen: IS THAT I OR I.

HIFT TO I, I AS IN THE LETTER I.

>> Stephen: SHIFT TO I.

GOT IT.

>> Z SHORT.

>> Stephen: Z SHORT.

ACT FOUR.

>> Stephen: ACT FOUR?

MM-HMM.

THE NUMBER FOUR.

>> Stephen: NOT AN I.V. BUT THE NUMBER 4.

>> DEEP, YOU CAN MAKE IT SHORTER AND SAY D.P.

>> Stephen: D.P.

EIGHT, 24.

>> Stephen: YOU'RE JUST MAKING STUFF UP NOW.

EIGHT, 24.

>> AND WE'LL GO WITH H DRAG.

>> Stephen: H DRAG?

ARE THESE THE LAUNCH CODES?

H DRAG.

ALL RIGHT.

>> THAT'S WHERE WE STOLE THEM FROM, STEPHEN.

THAT'S WHERE THE APPLE STARTS.

>> Stephen: HERE WE GO.

SHIFT!

I RIGHT!

Z SHORT!

ACT FOUR!

D.P. EIGHT 24.

>> IT'S NOT D.P.

IT'S DEEP!

>> Stephen: YOU SAID I COULD SAY D.P.!

>> YOU CAN SHORTEN IT SO YOU KNOW IT'S DEEP, YOU JUST PUT

D.P. BECAUSE EVERYONE KNOWS THAT'S DEEP.

>> Stephen: WELL YOU SAID DEEP.

>> WELL, WE SHORTEN WORDS -- >> Stephen: H DRAG!

THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE.

THAT SHOWS YOUR BACKGROUND.

THAT TIME YOU PLAYED IN MIDDLE SCHOOL, THAT SHOWS WHY YOU'RE

TALENTED.

>> Stephen: WELL, TONY, THIS HAS BEEN SUCH A PLEASURE TALKING

TO YOU.

>> IT'S BEEN ALL MY PLEASURE.

>> Stephen: HAS IT REALLY?

I'VE NEVER HAD TO TALK TO FAST AND AGGRESSIVELY AND HAD TO

COME UP HUMOR SO QUICKLY BUT -- >> Stephen: DO YOU WANT TO

HOST THE SHOW BECAUSE I'M EXHAUSTED, OBVIOUSLY.

>> YOU DO A GREAT JOB.

>> Stephen: NO YOU DO!

DID YOU ENJOY -- DID YOU ENJOY THE EXPERIENCE OF BEING ON

THE SHOW, TONY ROMO?

>> NOT REALLY, BUT I REALLY LIKE YOU.

>> Stephen: YOU KNOW WHAT, IT'S GOOD THAT WE CAN BE HONEST

WITH EACH OTHER.

IT WAS NICE TO HAVE YOU ON ONCE.

>> THANK YOU.

I'LL BE BACK AGAIN IN A DECADE.

>> Stephen: I WILL NOT BE HERE TEN YEARS FROM NOW BUT I HOPE

WHOEVER IS IN THE SEAT -- YOUR WIFE MAYBE.

SHE IS SHE'S A BROADCASTER, WHY NOT GIVE HER THE CHAIR?

>> BECAUSE I'M JUST IN TROUBLE MORE THAN I AM.

>> Stephen: TONY ROMO, YOU CAN CATCH HIS

N.F.L. ANALYSIS RIGHT HERE ON CBS.

THANKS, TONY.

>> STEPHEN: THAT'S IT FOR "A LATE SHOW," EVERYBODY.

JAMES CORDEN IS NEXT, BUT FIRST, LET'S SAY GOOD NIGHT WITH SOME

MUSIC FROM JON BATISTE AND STAY HUMAN.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

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Captioned by Media Access Group at WGBH

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