Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ This is the way we shine our shoes ♪

♪ Shine our shoes, shine our shoes ♪

♪ This is the way we shine our shoes ♪

♪ Every Sunday morning ♪

♪ Oh, this is the way we shine our-- ♪

Ed, how many times have I told you

not to use my shoeshine kit?

Oh, about 80 or 90. Why?

That's very funny.

I don't like you using my stuff.

But we're buddies, Wilbur. We ought to share.

That sharing--

and look at this.

I don't mind you reading the magazines, Ed,

but at least you could leave the place tidy.

You want a horse or a house maid?

One thing I don't want is a pig.

Neither do I.

They eat like horses.

Who gave you permission to use my sunlamp?

I was only toasting some hay.

Toasting hay?

With sliced carrots, it makes a delicious sandwich.

Stop being such a clown.

And look, Ed. I don't want you messing up my office.

Now, you get in your stall and stay there.

Come on, in your stall.

[Mister Ed groans]

Funny guy.

Wilbur, you're always picking on me.

Some day I'm going to run away and join the Folies Bergère.

You mean the Foreign Legion.

You join what you want--

[together] ...and I'll join what I want.

[Mister Ed groans]

[mock groans]

Ed, all I want out of you is silence.

I have a little work to do on these Holbrook sketches,

very important, you know.

- [phone rings] - [Mister Ed] I'll get it.

[Wilbur] Thank you.

Hello. Oh, yes, Carol.

Yeah, I'll be right in.

If the phone rings, will you take the messages, please?

Ed?

Ed, I'm waiting for an answer.

You called me a pig, and pigs can't talk.

What I say still goes.

Stay out of my office.

Insults after insults.

Someday I'm going to have to let that man go.

Roger, does that lie detector machine really work?

Does it? I tried it on Kay

and found out how much she paid for her new hat.

Oh, really, Kay?

That darn thing does everything

but beat you with a rubber hose.

What's so important?

What have you got here, Rog?

A simplified lie detector.

A professor I know at UCLA invented it,

and he wants us to put some money in it.

- Us? - You know when I have a good thing, I always let you in.

Yeah, we always lose money, and you never let me out.

- Does it work? - Does it?

I had to take an hysterical hat back to Mayfair's this morning.

Wilbur, this thing is so simple.

You just put this on your arm.

When you tell the truth, a bell rings.

When you lie, it buzzes.

- Here, let me try it on you. - Now, just a minute, Rog.

@Oh, honey, let him.

You have nothing to hide from me, have you?

Me? Put it on, Rog.

My life is an open book.

Don't miss chapter 3. It's a pip.

[Addison] Here we are. We're all ready.

Partner, you and I

are going to make a fortune with this invention.

Look, Rog, I think you better count me out of the deal.

You see, I'm a little short of cash right now.

[machine buzzes]

Uh, well-- well, I mean I can only spare a couple of hundred.

[buzzes]

Keep lying, Wilbur. Keep lying.

It's working beautifully.

I am not lying.

[buzzes]

Tell the truth just once. I want to hear it ring.

Oh, well, I--

I love my wife.

Rog, if you have to beat the truth out of it, forget it.

[machine rings]

See? I do love you.

You'll never know how close you came

to sleeping in the barn tonight.

This thing is so good, it kind of frightens me.

Would you mind taking this off?

- All right. - Oh, no, wait. Wait.

I want to ask Wilbur a few questions.

Don't do it, doll.

I only lost a hat.

You can lose a husband.

I have nothing to hide from my little wife.

- [buzzes] - Take it off, Rog.

Wilbur, are you a happily married man?

Of course I am.

[rings]

See?

Did you ever love any other woman?

Of course not.

[buzzes]

- Just my mother. - [buzzes]

- My sister. - [buzzes]

- Try your horse. - No.

Take this off, Rog. It isn't working right.

Don't blame the machine, Wilbur.

- Blame your past. - What was her name?

Who?

Oh-- Oh, some girl that I met at college,

just a casual acquaintance.

[buzzes]

- Warm friend. - [buzzes]

Look, I can't even remember her name.

- [buzzes] - It was Gladys Hodges.

[rings]

Wilbur, I wouldn't say another word without a lawyer.

Did you love her very much, Wilbur?

- Of course not. - [ring]

See?

- [phone rings] - That was the telephone.

Oh. Excuse me.

[ring]

Hello?

Oh, yes, Mr. Holbrook.

Well, as a matter of fact I'm, uh--

I'm working on your plans right now.

[machine buzzes]

Yes, well, I'll bring them over tomorrow.

- Rog. - [Addison] Hm?

Will you please get this thing off me? It's stuck.

Okay, I've got a pair of pliers in my toolbox.

Isn't this a fabulous machine, Wilbur?

And believe me, there's a tremendous market for it.

Yeah? well, I just think it's a gadget.

A gadget? This thing is going to make us a mint of money.

- Believe me. - I don't know.

Well, I don't know how much money it will make for them,

but it sure could boom business in Reno.

Gladys Hodges.

I wonder if Wilbur married me on the rebound.

Where are they hiding that crossword puzzle today?

Uh-oh, I just flooded four rooms in the Holbrook house.

I'd better try to clean it up.

[Wilbur whistling]

Uh-oh, it's Wilbur.

How can I have so much bad luck with four horseshoes?

[whistling]

[stops whistling]

My-- My plans.

Ed. Ed!

[yawning] Hi, buddy-boy.

Don't you buddy-boy me.

I warned you to stay out of my office.

I did, Wilbur. You did, huh?

Then who spilled the ink all over my plans?

Uh-- wha-- It was a cat.

A cat. A cat.

Are you sure it wasn't a horse?

I'm sure.

As soon as he said meow, he gave himself away.

Oh, you claim you're not lying, huh?

That is my claim, sir.

Well, we'll soon find out, sir.

Now, what did he mean by that?

Now, Ed.

What are you doing, Wilbur?

What is this thingamajig?

That is a lie detector.

A lie detector?

Yeah. Going to find out if you are telling the truth.

What are you going to do next,

shave my head and slap a helmet on me?

No, I'm not going to hurt you,

just want to get the truth out of you.

But I told you, Wilbur. I never spilled the ink over your plans.

[machine buzzing]

What was that?

That buzz means that you told a lie.

Hm, why don't we try it on the cat?

Ed, you know very well there was no cat.

Oh, but there was, Wilbur,

this great big black cat with long claws--

- [machine buzzes] - You shut up.

Ed, thanks to your disobedience,

I have to stay up the whole night tracing those plans.

Wilbur, would you forgive me

if I admitted I spilled the ink?

I would not.

- Then it was the cat. - [buzzes]

I'm going to punish you, Ed.

For the next week, you are confined to quarters.

You will remain in that stall. Do you understand?

You mean I've got to stay in for a whole week?

That's right.

Gee. Locking me up like some kind of animal.

Ed, I hate being this strict with you,

but you've just got to learn to follow my orders.

As long as you're living under my roof,

you must realize that my word is law,

so you're going to have to stay in your stall for a week.

Wilbur.

Why did you have that lie detector on your horse?

Uh, well, it-- it's animal-- animal psychology.

I-- It was a little experiment.

To find out if your horse was telling the truth?

Yeah. No! No.

A lie detector on a horse.

[Addison sighs]

Your poor wife.

All she can do is pray for a miracle drug.

Ed--

- Ed-- - Gee, it's a lovely day, Wilbur.

How about taking me for a ride in the park?

I'll let my top down.

Not a chance.

I meant what I said, Ed.

You're going to stay in this stall for a week.

[moaning] You'll drive me away from home yet.

[sniveling]

You and those phony tears.

[Mister Ed groans]

That'll hold you in.

- Wilbur. - I hate to do this to you, Ed.

Believe me, this hurts me more than it does you.

You want to bet?

- [knock on door] - Come in.

- Hi. - Hi.

What are you doing, sweetie?

Oh, just looking through some of Wilbur's old college yearbooks,

just for laughs.

Oh? When I want laughs,

I go through some of Addison's old checkbooks.

He calls it strolling down memory lane.

- Gladys Hodges. - Oh, now, sweetie.

Don't take that lie detector seriously.

I am surprised at you,

being jealous over your husband's old girlfriend.

You're right, Kay.

I guess I was being childish, worrying about Wilbur's past.

I mean, after all, what if she was a beautiful girl?

That's all over with now.

Maybe he thinks of her occasionally.

Maybe he even writes to her now and then.

Maybe he phones her once in a while.

Maybe he sneaks off and takes her to lunch occasionally.

I'll kill her.

- Help me. - Yeah. There you go.

Oh, I'll find her.

- You found her. - Bingo.

Yup, here's where Wilbur did his browsing

before he bought your store.

[Kay] Read what it says about her.

"Phi Beta Kappa, Captain of Debating Team,

"President of Literary Honorary Society,

Winner of Socrates Award, School of Philosophy."

I thought so-- just a dumb blonde.

Whoops, sorry.

I wonder what they talked about

when Wilbur took her out on dates.

Oh, probably nuclear physics,

Plato's dialogues, the theory of relativity.

What do you two talk about?

My hairdresser, holes in his socks,

bills from the plumber,

whether we should have fish or meatballs for dinner.

Do you think that's an intellectual conversation, Kay?

Only if it's in Latin.

Oh, doll, stop trying to compete

with that great brain from Wilbur's past.

I'm sure Wilbur misses those cultural moments he shared with her.

I wish I could fill that void in his life.

The way you fill that dress is all you need.

No, Kay.

Something new is going to be added.

[mouthing]

Gosh, that Aristotle sure had a great mind, didn't he?

Uh-huh.

Just like Plato.

He thought of the universe as an ideal world,

an interrelated organic system of--

eternal, unchangeable forms.

Wilbur.

If you want it, honey, you go buy it.

Wilbur.

Hm? Oh, I'm sorry.

What are you reading, Carol?

Aristotle's Metaphysics, Rhetoric, and Poetics.

You ought to read it, honey.

No, I'll wait until they make it into a movie.

Frank Sinatra should be great as Aristotle.

Wilbur, do you know why they called Aristotle's school the Peripatetic?

Hm?

Do you know why they called Aristotle's school the Peripatetic?

Look, what am I having here, lunch or a final exam?

You just don't want to discuss anything intellectual with me.

You don't think I'm on your level.

Carol, what are you so upset about?

All you think I can talk about

is whether we have fish or meatballs for dinner

or holes in your socks.

Holes in my socks for dinner?

Who can understand women.

Hello, is this J.P. Allen the locksmith?

Good. I've got a stall door that's jammed.

Would you bring a blowtorch over?

Forget it. the warden just came in.

I heard that, Ed,

and it's not going to do you any good.

You will stay locked in that stall.

- Like a prisoner? - Like a prisoner.

If I'm going to wear stripes, I might as well be a zebra.

You're acting like a jackass.

So now you're bringing my relatives into this.

Oh, Wilbur, how about a pardon?

No, Ed.

Thanks to you I was up all night copying Mr. Holbrook's plans.

Now, Wilbur, you know I love you like a brother.

When you punish me, you're only hurting yourself,

and I hate to hurt you, so let me out.

Sorry, Ed.

Okay, then you'll have to do it the hard way.

Sunday you'll go horseback riding without a horse.

You ever hear of renting a horse, Ed?

Oh, now, that's dirty pool.

If your wife was locked up in the house for a week,

you wouldn't go out and rent another wife, would you?

Well, I'll cross that bridge when I come to it.

- [Mister Ed groans] - I've got to deliver Mr. Holbrook's plans now.

Wilbur, I'm going to give you one more chance.

- What? - Unlock the door!

- Goodbye, Ed. - I hope you're happy with your rented horse.

It'll be a change to be with an animal

that doesn't talk back to me.

- [Addison] Oh, Wilbur. - Rog.

Wilbur, I'm returning this lie detector.

Do you want to ride downtown with me?

No, I've got to deliver these plans, Rog.

Did you decide to invest in this electric stool pigeon?

No. No, I couldn't make a deal with the inventor.

What did you offer him?

20% of the profits.

Now, how could a man turn down a proposition like that?

Maybe he was sober.

That was a cruel remark,

but just what you'd expect from a man who is mean to his wife.

What are you talking about?

Carol telephoned Kay and told her the whole story.

Your wife was just trying to emulate

that blonde encyclopedia

you used to date at college,

and you made fun of her.

Gladys Hodges.

Oh, so that explains this Aristotle.

You know, you and this lie detector started the whole thing.

Wilbur, you've got a very unhappy wife.

If I were you, I'd go in and tell her

that she was the only woman in your life,

that you love only her.

Okay.

[door closes]

Oh, honey, don't worry about Gladys Hodges.

I didn't want to marry brains.

I wanted you.

W-What I mean is

brains don't make a marriage.

Honey, when I married you, I knew what I was getting.

I was getting a sweet, loveable, adorable--

- Village idiot. - Vi--

No. No.

I love nobody but you.

Wilbur, admit it.

You haven't forgotten Gladys.

There are still some warm memories.

Well, if they're warm, it's because you're sitting on them.

[laughs]

Aw, sweetie,

look, I never got close enough to Gladys

to fog her glasses.

- Really? - Sure, who wants a girl like that?

She's got spindly legs.

Does she really have spindly legs?

Toothpicks.

Come on, sweetie,

I'm going to take you out tonight, white tie.

We're going to go dancing, nightclubbing, the works.

- Okay? - Okay.

We'll take Aristotle with us. We'll have a ball.

Ed, I want you to take--

[Mister Ed's voice] They haven't made the stable that can hold this horse.

I hope you're happy with that rented plug.

And don't look for me at the Union Truck Terminal.

P.S. Whatever it cost to fix the door

you can take out of my allowance.

Oh, that crazy horse.

Honey, I'm all ready.

Oh, we're going to have a wonderful evening.

Wait for me, Carol.

Where are you going?

Uh-- uh, I've got to see a truck about a horse.

[Man] Get up! Come on, get up, now.

Get up!

Come on, get up, now.

[continues spurring]

Moo.

Hey, what are you doing here?

Moo.

[Man] Charlie, come here.

What are you doing with a horse here?

This truck is for cows.

Well, he mooed.

Who mooed?

The horse mooed.

The horse mooed?

Honest, I'm standing there, checking off the cows,

and this horse walks up to me, looks me straight in the puss,

and says "Moo."

Look, Charlie, I've talked to you before about hitting the bottle on the job.

Honest, boss, I'm standing there checking off the cows.

Along comes this horse, looks me straight in the puss,

and says "Moo."

All right, take it easy, Charlie.

Go get yourself some black coffee.

- I'll finish checking them off. - Now, look, boss.

Like I told you, honest, I'm standing there checking off the cows--

Beat it, Charlie.

When this horse comes along, looks me in the puss,

and says "Moo."

Moo.

Hey, what's going on here?

Want some black coffee, Joe?

Wh-- Who's is this anyway?

He says moo. Maybe it's one of them cow ponies that grow'ed up.

Come on, go on. Go on, get out of here.

Go ahead. Come on, we don't need any horses here.

Geez.

Charlie, I know you heard it,

and I heard it,

but I still don't believe it.

You may think I'm some kind of a nut,

but 5 will get you 10 that horse gives milk.

Uh-oh, here comes Wilbur.

Beat it, sister.

You can't walk around here

this time of night in a bikini.

[clamoring]

[chuckles]

- Ed. - Why, Wilbur, what a surprise.

How did you know I was here?

Come on home, Ed.

I'm not letting you run off like this.

[whimpers] Please, Wilbur,

don't make a scene.

Maybe I was a little hard on you, Ed,

but I promise I'll never lock you up again, okay?

Okay.

Ed, why are you crying?

Uh, I got scared.

I thought you'd never get here.

Oh, boy. Ah... Yeah, real fresh.

- Good morning, Ed. - Morning.

Ah. [chuckles]

I see you got your own breakfast, huh?

Yeah. It's great to have my kitchen privileges back again.

It's great to have a happy family again, Ed.

Carol and I had a great time last night.

Good to see my horse smiling again.

That's America, Wilbur-- togetherness.

What you working on, buddy-boy?

Mr. Holbrook has a little change

he wants to make in his house,

wants to move the fireplace from there over to here.

Where?

Wha--

Oops. Well, back to solitary.

♪ Send all my mail ♪

♪ To the Birmingham jail ♪

♪ Send all my laundry ♪

♪ To the Birmingham jail ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.