Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Gee, I love to play football.

The crowd is tense.

A field goal will put our team ahead.

Here goes 3 big points.

Ooh.

Nice block, Wilbur.

Ed, will you stop fooling around?

This is my office, not a football field.

My, aren't we grumpy today?

Well, I've got a perfect right to be.

I just found out there's some man walking

around the neighborhood with a petition.

I've got to find some way of stopping him.

But why?

The right to petition is our American heritage.

Ed, you don't understand.

This is a republic, Wilbur.

The Declaration of Independence was a petition.

Ed--

You should support this fine American.

What's he petitioning for?

Not to have horses in the neighborhood.

Well, let's kill the bum.

Ed, this is serious.

See, if this fellow Ainsworth

can get 150 signatures on his petition,

why, they can rezone the whole area.

And you know what that means?

No more horses.

Uh, well, how about dogs? Just call me Rover.

[barking]

Ed, stop fooling and go and get in your stall, will you?

Well, I ain't fooling.

The only chance we got is to get rid of Ainsworth.

But how? I don't know how.

Well, we're going to have to figure out something.

Here's the mail, honey.

Hmm? Oh, thanks, dear.

Listen, there's a man called Ainsworth

going around the neighborhood with a petition.

- Yes, he was just here. - He was, huh?

What did you think of that petition?

Well, it made sense to me, so I signed it.

Carol, do you know what that petition was for?

Well, of course. Mr. Ainsworth said that it was

to improve the neighborhood, to keep property values up--

To get rid of horses.

Get rid of horses?

Honey, with one stroke of the pen,

you have turned our horse into an orphan.

But Mr. Ainsworth didn't say anything about horses.

But why didn't you read the thing before you signed it?

Well, it was so long, and I was on the phone with Kay.

I had something very important to tell her.

What?

To be sure and sign the petition.

Because of you...

he will cry himself to sleep tonight.

Well, I certainly am for neighborhood improvement.

May I borrow your pen, Mr. Ainsworth.

Of course.

Thank you.

- Roger. - Huh?

Don't sign that.

I don't know what this man's been telling you,

but under all that doubletalk, this petition is a move

to get rid of all the horses in the neighborhood.

And about time.

Just a minute, Rog.

Why, if he gets enough signatures on this,

I've got to get rid of Ed.

May I sign for my wife, too?

Roger, will you use your head?

Why, if they rezone this neighborhood,

it'll change completely. There'll be bowling allies,

parking lots, apartment buildings.

He's right. I'd better give this some thought.

Mr. Post forgot to mention that rezoning the area

could double the value of your property.

Maybe even triple it.

I think I've given it enough thought.

Roger, let me put it to you this way--

If Ed goes, I go, too.

And you know who I sell my house to?

Who?

You mother-in-law.

That's what I like about you, Wilbur.

You fight as dirty as I do.

Thanks, Rog.

Never mind, Mr. Addison.

I'll have more signatures than I'll need

after my television appearance tomorrow.

Mr. Ainsworth, you're going on television?

Yes, to explain my case to the people.

Oh, now that doesn't seem fair.

I mean, the people should hear the other side of the question.

Hey, he's right.

Maybe you better give equal time to some horse.

I'd be glad to if you know of a talking horse.

[all chuckle]

Oh, it just so happens that I have--

I have a horse who would love to have me talk for him.

If you wish to challenge me

to a television debate, Mr. Post, I accept.

Fine.

Oh, Wilbur, don't do it.

Why not?

Well, so far it's only horses.

When you get through talking,

they'll be throwing people out of the neighborhood.

I'll call the station manager

and make all the arrangements for our debate.

Shall we meet at WPXQ at 10:00 sharp?

That will be great.

Splendid.

Mr. Ainsworth,

I think it only fair to tell you

that I was captain of the debating team at college.

Good boy.

There's nothing worthwhile on this page.

Hi, Ed. What are you doing?

Looking for a new home.

Oh, Ed, the fight isn't over yet.

Tomorrow Ainsworth and I are going to debate the issue on television.

You on television?

That's right. And I personally

am presenting your side of argument to the people.

And you know what a convincing speaker I am.

Uh, yeah.

"Greenview Stables-- every stall with a window."

That is hardly what I would call a show of confidence.

In four years of college debating,

I never lost an argument.

And in two years of marriage, you never won any.

I'll win this one.

I got a whole strategy planned out.

Let me tell you, the whole trick of this, Ed,

is to get the audience on your side.

Well, you'll have the four-legged crowd pulling for you.

Yes, well, I got a couple of new techniques, Ed.

I want to try them out on you. See which one you like the best.

First of all, you got the shy, folksy approach, you know.

Howdy, folks.

Reckon you know why I'm here.

I reckon you know what I'm going to say.

I reckon that you'll feel pretty much the same as I reckon I feel.

How does that sound?

Like a one-man reckon crew.

A little corny, huh?

You'll be getting fan letters from crows.

Well, of course, I can always use the humorous approach.

You know, get them laughing.

Hello, friends.

My name is Wilbur Post,

and that is a post you people can lean on.

Oh, brother.

Nothing?

Nothing.

Friends, my opponent, Mr. Ainsworth--

Oh, no.

You're not going to wear that suit on television?

Well, of course.

I'd look pretty silly debating in my shorts.

Oh, but-- but, honey, it's too formal.

I'll get your plaid sport jacket.

Friends, my opponent, Mr. Ainsworth, has alleged--

[Kay] Hello, anybody home?

We're up here in the bedroom, Kay. Come on up.

Now, this will give you that nice casual air.

Yeah?

Oh, there. That's much better.

And remember to smile, honey.

- Smile. - Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Hi.

Oh, no.

Wilbur, you're not going to wear that on television?

Well, what's wrong?

A striped tie with plaid jacket?

You'll look like a test pattern.

She's right. I'll get your dark blue one.

Friends, my opponent--

My opponent, Mr. Ainsworth, has alleged--

Uh, no, no, doll, not full-faced.

Your right profile's the best side.

Keep that in the camera.

Here, dear.

- Friends-- - Smile.

Friends--

Oh, no.

You're not wearing that on television?

Which? The tie or the jacket?

The shirt. It's white.

And with your pasty complexion,

you'll look like a bottle of milk with pants on.

He's right. They always wear blue shirts on television.

I'll get one.

Friends, my Ainsworth--

Get your hands out of your pockets, Wilbur.

Use them for significant gestures.

Mr. Ainsworth, my opponent and friends, we are--

- Smile. - Yeah, the right profile.

Let's hear your speech, Wilbur. Come on, come on.

Yes, um, Mr. Ainsworth has alleged

that property values would go up.

Well, we have to study this situation very seriously.

Smile.

Friends, let us all put our thinking caps on.

And put your arms through the sleeves.

And put your arms through the sleeves and--

Holy smoke, look at the time. I'm going to be late.

I better finish this dressing down at the studio.

Wilbur. Wilbur, your tie.

Oh, I forgot.

Wilbur, your jacket.

Oh, thank you.

And-- And don't be so nervous.

Who's nervous? I'm not nervous.

Goodbye, dear.

Don't forget, smile.

Use your hands.

Right profile.

Poor Wilbur. He's a nervous wreck.

I wouldn't want to be in his shoes.

His shoes.

Wilbur, your shoes!

Oh, Wilbur, don't forget your shoes!

Wilbur, don't forget your shoes!

Your shoes!

Oh, Charlie, bring both those chairs

down to the front marks.

How's that for you, Ernie?

Fine, Russ, fine.

Can you reach it with that boom, Gordon?

Yes, it's fine. Perfect.

Uh, excuse me.

I'll be with you in a second.

Just take a chair and sit down.

Make sure that key light hits Mr. Ainsworth.

A little more.

Kick it up a little bit.

Yeah, the lights look fine.

I got to check my opening introduction.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

I didn't know these things slipped off so easily, Mr., uh--

Mr., uh-- That's Mr. Fuller, is it?

Who are you?

Wilbur Post. I'm in the debate.

I'm the negative.

Why don't you come back when you're developed?

Very funny. That's a good joke.

May I help you up, Mr., uh--

Well, hello, Mr. Ainsworth.

Oh, Mr. Ainsworth, don't you look fine?

Good to see you.

Hello, Tony. Got that big old spotlight polished up?

Elsa.

My favorite script girl, don't you look pretty?

Hello, Gordon. How's Mr. big ears?

Fine. Fine, thank you.

That's the boy.

Ernie, how's the boy?

- How's your little boy? - Oh, fine.

Nice of you to remember his birthday.

I hope he like the electric train set.

Oh, he sure does.

My Tommy's looking forward to that picnic at Ferndale Park.

So am I, Gordon. So am I, and I'll pick him up right after the show.

It's my ple--

Hello, Post.

Oh, hello, Mr. Ainsworth.

I didn't know you were so friendly with the crew.

Did I forget to tell you?

My brother-in-law is the station manager.

Max, you better get Mr. Ainsworth made up for the show.

Oh, yes, right this way, Mr. Ainsworth.

Yes, indeedy. Yes, indeed.

Add a little gray to sides. It'll get him more sympathy.

Right, Russ.

[Mr. Ainsworth] Are they going to know me at home

when you get through with me?

[Max laughs] Hard to say, Mr. Ainsworth.

Make me look like Rock Hudson.

I'll try, sir.

That's the boy.

Max, I'm Wilbur Post, the negative.

Could you add a touch of sympathy to me, too?

Well, I won't have time, Mr. Post.

All you need is a little base and some powder and lip rouge.

Just help yourself.

Thanks a lot.

- Can I take one? - Oh, yeah, sure. Fine.

Any coffee in this joint?

Yes, yes, we have some coffee.

I'll have some sent over for you.

George, coffee for Mr. Ainsworth.

[George] I know.

Hot.

You care for anything in it?

No, no, just black.

Uh, how do you put on this makeup?

Oh, here. Use a sponge, Mr. Post.

Don't forget, Ernie. Keep shifting the camera to Mr. Ainsworth.

We want to feature him.

My coat? What happened to my coat?

What's the matter, Post?

Well, my coat's gone. I hung it right there.

Oh, they'll get you another one from wardrobe.

You better finish your makeup, Mr. Post.

We go on in 40 seconds.

Yeah, that looks fine.

Is he on yet?

Not yet.

It'll only be a second.

There we are.

[applause]

Good morning, ladies and gentlemen.

Once again Station WPXQ presents Speak Your Piece,

a program dedicated to local problems.

Today, we're going to hear a debate

on the question of rezoning.

Speaking for this issue

is a man well-known for his civic-mindedness,

his dedication to the welfare

of the people of our community.

I present one of our leading citizens,

Mr. Harvey Ainsworth. Mr. Ainsworth?

[applause]

He looks so distinguished.

I don't remember his being so gray around the temples.

Hmm, don't worry. Just wait till you see my Wilbur.

And now speaking against rezoning,

uh, Wilbur Post.

[applause]

What's that?

That is Wilbur. Where did he get the coat?

Never mind that. Where did he get that face?

He looks like he was stamped out with a cookie cutter.

Oh, no.

I need Perry Mason to defend me,

and I get Bozo the Clown.

And so, fellow citizens, I repeat,

rezoning will enhance the value of your property

and put livestock where it belongs,

on the farm.

Thank you very much, Mr. Ainsworth.

Now, Mr. Post, do you have anything to say in answer to that?

Yes, I-- Yes, I have.

I feel that rezoning our property would destroy

the rural atmosphere and the rustic charm,

the very things that we were seeking

when we, uh, moved here.

Moreover, as a horse owner,

I have come to appreciate

the qualities of this noble animal.

Post?

Well, if you can't lick them, join them.

Did you want to see any more, Carol?

Oh, no. Poor Wilbur.

I doubt if history will record this

with the Lincoln-Douglas debate.

[Wilbur] As Mr. Ainsworth--

- I've seen all I can stand. - ...animal lovers,

knowing knowing their pets are not welcomed,

will sell their homes

and move to a neighborhood in which they are welcome.

Oh, here comes poor Wilbur now,

and, oh, Kay, he looks so sad.

Addison, don't you dare make fun of him.

Please, Rog. I don't know what happened out there,

but he must feel terrible.

Promise me you won't kid him.

Oh, what do you take me for?

Some kind of an inhuman monster? A person without feeling?

This is nothing to joke about.

Well, look who's here, Snow White.

Doll, why don't you crawl behind your mustache and get lost?

Honey, what happened?

Well, I felt I was in trouble

the minute Ainsworth walked in and knew the whole crew.

I even had to put my own makeup on.

I guess I didn't do a very good job.

Oh, I don't know.

I thought those rosebud lips made you look adorable.

[Roger laughs]

Addison, I don't think it's anything to laugh about.

You're right, Kay. Come on.

Help me home.

[laughing]

Now, honey, don't let Kay and Roger upset you.

Oh, they don't.

Not a bit.

I'm a man who can laugh at himself.

I just don't like other people doing it.

Wilbur, I'd still like to know what happened.

Oh, what difference does it make, honey?

Ainsworth is meeting with the city council,

and that rezoning amendment is sure to go through.

It just doesn't seem fair not allowing horses out here.

After that appearance of mine on television,

they may not allow horses on racetracks.

Poor Mister Ed.

Hi, Ed.

I suppose you saw me on television.

Yeah.

I was kind of hoping the set would be broken.

It is now.

It wasn't much of a debate, was it?

It was more of a farewell address

to the horses of America.

I just don't understand this fellow Ainsworth.

You know, he seems to be a decent sort of guy.

Today, he's taking some Boy Scouts into Ferndale Park.

He is civic-minded,

but he just has this one blind spot against horses.

Wilbur, what's going to happen to me now?

Ed, I have an idea.

If we were to go into Ferndale Park and see him,

and you were to plead your case personally--

Me? You know I talk only to you.

Why, Ed?

Because inside, you're all horse.

I mean, Ed, you could break him down.

Well, there isn't a man in the world

who could stand the sight of a crying horse.

Sorry, Wilbur, I don't kneel to anyone.

Well, I'll go over to the park and try him once more.

You want to come along?

Not especially, but I'll go along for the ride.

Great. I'll go change my clothes, Ed.

Mr. Ainsworth, if you'll just listen to me--

Post, you're wasting your time.

I've got all the signatures,

and the petition goes to the council Monday.

But why, Mr. Ainsworth?

What do you have against animals?

All right, I'll tell you.

I've been bitten by a dog, scratched by a cat,

kicked by a mule, and chased by a bull.

But have you ever been loved by a horse?

What?

Oh, Mr. Ainsworth,

there's nothing like walking into your barn

after a hard day's work

and seeing those big brown eyes light up,

as if to say "Welcome home, master. I've missed you."

Post, you're drunk.

Give him the old push. That's the stuff.

I mean it, Mr. Ainsworth.

- My horse really loves me. - Uh-huh.

Yeah, really.

Every night he fetches my slippers.

In your condition, you couldn't bend down and pick them up.

All right, fellows. Come on. We're going home. Day's all over.

- [Boys] Aww. - Don't give me that "aww" business.

Pick up the chairs, will you?

Like good boys and put them in the station wagon.

1, 2, 3--

Where's Bobby?

Dennis?

Dennis, where's Bobby?

I don't know, Mr. Ainsworth.

What do you mean you don't know? Weren't you playing with him?

For a little while, then he went off somewhere.

He's never done this before. How long ago was that?

- I don't know, Mr. Ainsworth. - Okay, thanks. Good boy.

Of course, he's wandered off into the hills someplace.

Well, I better find him before it gets dark.

He can't have gotten very far, Mr. Ainsworth.

Look, why don't you cover this side of the hill?

- I'll take it up there. - Yeah, good idea.

You boys, wait right here.

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby?

Bobby!

Did you find him, Mr. Ainsworth?

No.

No, not a sign okúf him.

Well, I couldn't find him.

I looked through the hills and the underbrush.

It's beginning to get dark. I better call the rangers.

He'd be frightened and very cold.

I'll do that.

There's a telephone in the snack stand where I--

Look! There's Bobby!

- Bobby! - Bobby!

Bobby. Bobby, are you all right?

What are you doing up on that horse?

Oh, gee whiz, son.

You scared the life out of me.

Oh.

He found me, and I was really lost, too.

He came along, and I started to follow him.

But then I got tired,

so he sat down and I got on his back.

[laughs]

Good boy.

Good boy.

That, uh-- That's your horse, isn't it, Mr. Post?

Yes, Mr. Ainsworth.

Well, I'm sure glad Bobby's back.

See you, fellows.

Well, come on, Ed.

Uh, Mr. Post.

Are you, uh--

You can forget about that petition.

Thank you.

Hey, he's quite a horse, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

My, my. How do you suppose he ever found Bobby?

Oh, uh, he watches a lot of detective shows.

Come on, Ed. Bye, fellows.

Watches detective shows?

[chuckles]

Ed, you awake?

Yeah, I am now.

[yawns]

How was dinner at the Ainsworths'?

Oh, just fine, Ed.

They're very nice people.

But you should've heard the wild story little Bobby told about getting lost.

Ah, a wild story?

Yeah, he said the reason he wandered off into the hills

is because somebody was calling him.

No kidding?

Yeah. Ed, it's certainly lucky you found him.

Lucky I called him, too.

Ed, you didn't.

Well, if I depended on your debates,

I'd be sleeping on a park bench tonight.

Good night, Wilbur.

Good night, Ed.

[Mister Ed snoring]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.