Original subtitles

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[SOUNDS OF BATTLE]

[LAUGHING]

MAN: Eric!

MAN: Down. Down here.

[GROANING]

MAN: Honor my deeds when I'm gone.

MAN: Let my soul rest with the treasure.

[GOSPEL MUSIC PLAYING]

ERIC: Jann the Bold.

We honor your life.

And return your soul to Valhalla.

[FIRE CRACKLING]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPS]

NIGEL: It was great the temp agency could have you fill in

for Claudia on such short notice.

By the way...

I wanted to thank you, that Chinese restaurant you recommended,

excellent!

Sure thing.

[PHONE RINGING]

Ancient studies?

She's kinda busy actually. Can I take a message?

LYNETTE: Mil...

Milton...

Mor...

LYNETTE: Morris.

That's the president of the college!

President Morris, Nigel Bailey.

Sorry for the confusion, she's temping.

We're not busy at all.

Well, that is to say we're not not busy.

We're always busying ourselves. Striving to be busy.

But never too busy to take your call.

Yes, I have a pen. Fire away.

I have a message.

Not done yet.

You're gonna want to hear this.

[BELL RINGING]

Okay.

Ah...

There's a visiting professor from the University

of Northeastern South Africa on his way to see you right now.

[SMOOTH MUSIC PLAYING]

Why?

NIGEL: Ah. The University promised your services.

You're to help him find the runestone

of King Jann the 1st or Norway.

NIGEL: Uh, there's more.

This is the bit that might not sit so well.

The, erm, professor, is...

Stewie?

Sweet cheeks!

[LAUGHS]

SYDNEY: I don't care how much money you've donated to this

university, Stewie. I'm not helping you find anything.

Look, Sydney, I need you. You're the best in the business.

Syd, this could also be a very exciting historical find.

University of Northeastern South Africa?

It's an hour outside Wastumbia.

They're the only people that had the wisdom enough to accredit me.

You bribed them.

I gave them a donation.

Look, Syd, I know what you're thinking, but

I've changed, I mean I cleaned up my act.

I'm a different guy. And it's all because of you!

Me?

Well, yeah. I mean, that last experience that we shared

in the belly of the Buddha?

I mean, it forced me to take a real hard look at myself.

And quite frankly, I didn't like what I saw.

I don't blame you!

Yeah. And then when you sent me that very expensive ancient coin

as a gift?

It was a mistake.

But still it struck a very, very deep, deep chord inside of me.

LYNETTE: Professor Fox, there's those files you asked for.

Oh, who's the new pork chop?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

NIGEL: It is possible that he's turned over a new leaf, isn't it?

No.

Even the commonest of criminals can be rehabilitated.

We're talking about Stewie here.

You think the president will understand?

He's gonna have to, there is no way I'm going to Sweden with Stewie Harper.

When you come back, do you think you can bring me a rhinestone, too?

That's rune stone, Lynette.

Rune stone? What's a rune stone?

In medieval times, it's how people wrote messages, notes.

They used to chisel it out in stone.

Ohh, sort of like a Post-It.

BOTH: Sort of.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

WAITRESS: Hello. Welcome to the Viking Cafe. How are you today?

Very well, thank you.

All of our grand platters are served on scaled-down versions of oar boats.

Authentic viking ships.

And you'll notice your steak knives are modeled after

broadswords from the Anders the Great's dynasty.

The Celtic cross found its way into the crust after he

conquered county Donner in southern Ireland.

It's very clever, isn't it, Sydney?

Could I have a Coke?

Me too.

Hi. Sorry, I had to make an important phone call.

Can I get you something?

[CLEARING THROAT]

Yeah, I'll have a bottle of your breast beer, please.

I mean best breast. I mean...

Yeah, thanks.

Great place, huh?

[LAUGHS]

Listen.

I just want you to know...

It is so nice to be working with each other,

as opposed to against each other, huh?

[LAUGHS]

You know, we really are of the same ilk, Syd.

We are not of the same ilk.

Sure we are.

Stewie, whatever ilk you're from, I'm from a different one.

Syd' I've got something very, very important I want you

to take a look at.

Looks like futhark.

Around the eleventh century.

Or the tenth.

NIGEL: Yeah.

I can't decipher this.

Looks like we're gonna need a translator.

This is fantastic.

I, I've never seen anything like this before.

What does it say?

It's futhark, a very primitive form, erm, gotkurk.

Runic.

It's erm, it refers to a runestone.

We know that part! Tell us something we don't know!

Yes, erm.

Something about it being the cornerstone of

a great holy place.

A sacred temple where the,

the axes cross the line of the great arrow.

STEWIE: What the hell does that mean?

Is there anything else, Lars?

Not without the rest.

The rest?

LARS: Well, this parchment was torn from a book,

a text written by a viking shaman.

Listen, forget about that part. Get back to the part about

the axes that cross the line of the sacred arrow. What the hell does that mean?

I don't know, I have no idea.

You don't know?

I'm a translator. I, I don't have a degree in mythology.

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Tenth-century Stockholm. I had Lars make me a copy.

Great.

What?

You wouldn't be hiding something from us, would you?

What could I possibly be hiding?

Lars mentioned a book.

A text written by a viking shaman?

Same book that this page was torn out of.

You know, I am so offended by this distrust in me.

This is the new me!

Why are you acting so weird?

That's the old me.

All right. Let's get back to the clues.

Now, the runestone is in a holy place where the axes

cross the line of the great arrow.

Now, the axes in translation refers

to the clan of Anders the Great, also known as Anders the Axe.

Now, their village was here.

STEWIE: What does the great arrow mean?

Perfect timing.

Hello, again. You, you guys eating a lot?

We really love the service.

NIGEL: Erm, I was wondering...

The historical bits that you tell the customers,

interesting as they are,

are they at all accurate or are they just made up?

Completely accurate.

Would you know anything about the meaning of the great arrow?

Oh yes, Thursday's lunch special, Swedish meatballs...

Oh no, actually, I'm sorry, I, I meant historically.

Oh, ja.

The great arrow,

was a large, wooden structure, built in the forest,

pointing travelers directly north, right here.

All right. If your waitress is correct,

the great arrow would be here.

Now, Anders' clan's village is here.

Well, where does the axe cross the line of the great arrow?

The village was built about a mile inland from where they kept

their ships, which meant they would have to travel every day

to the village. Now, if we continue a line north

going in the same direction as the great arrow,

that should put our runestone in a holy place,

somewhere in this vicinity.

Yeah, but wait a minute, now, this is a tenth-century map.

Where is this vicinity?

We get a present-day map and lay it over this.

It should only be a few miles to cover.

[AMUSING MUSIC PLAYING]

NIGEL: There's one more place to check out after this.

It's a church, built in 1925.

SYDNEY: Still, the monument could be inside.

Let's check this place out first.

NIGEL: Well, looks like it could a monastery,

or a nunnery. It's at least a hundred years old.

STEWIE: Well, it's a holy place, ain't it?

Hey, wait a minute. What about this?

Oh great, it's in Swedish.

Well, we are in Sweden, Stewie.

Ja , we are.

This, I can translate.

Holy dwellings have occupied this site for over 900 years.

This present building is a former home of the Sisters of Magdalene monastery.

Erected on the grounds is a monument

using stones from the original viking temple.

That's it! It's got to be here!

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

NIGEL: I wonder what kind of holy place it is today.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Can I help you?

Boy! Leave it to the Swedes, huh?

This is a spa?

That's right.

[BUZZING]

Ahh, a clothing-optional spa?

No.

Oh! Thank God.

A nude-only spa.

I'm not going in there!

There's a chance the runestone is in the monument.

Sydney, they're, they're letting it all hang out.

Nige, that's what they're doing.

Look, if we're gonna find that runestone we gotta go in there,

suck it up, suck it in,

and do the nasty thing that's gotta be done.

I don't think so. Why, what's the matter?

If I go in there with you, I'm liable to end up in jail,

or at the very least, uncontrollably nauseous.

Nigel and I will take care of this.

Why don't you take a walk and cool it off?

Are you sure Stewie can't be any use to you

in there, I mean after all, he is a changed man.

Nigel...

I can't. You can.

I can't! It's just a body.

It's my body and your body and ...

What's the matter? You've got a nice body.

Yeah? Oh, yeah.

But there's all those other bodies!

Nigel, if it makes you feel any better, I won't look.

I promise I won't look.

You won't look, I won't look, we just won't look.

We won't look at anything but stones. Stones that look

like runestones. All right?

[NERVOUS NOD]

Okay, good.

Stay out of the cold water.

Right.

[SURF ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

We should split up.

Why don't you go this way? I'll go that way.

Alone? Like this?

Yes.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Syd. Psst! Syd!

Come here.

You...

Please.

Hi. How are you? Nice to see you.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Hey, Mister.

Oops! Sorry! Sorry.

Sydney! I'm sorry. I, I didn't see a thing. Did you peek?

No, I did not peek, Nigel. But I do think I've found it.

There.

Great.

It looks like the stones are constructed in a free-form manner. No mortar,

just piled one on top of each other. It's got to be

one of the smaller stones near the foundation.

If it's there, we should be able to just wedge it out.

One problem though.

What?

Her.

Aye, I see your point. We can't just go pulling out stones

in front of her.

Well, we'll just have to ask her to move.

How?

I'll leave that in your capable hands.

Me?

Excuse me, miss?

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

I was just thinking maybe, maybe you should move your chair.

Why?

Why.

Why indeed, erm.

The sun, it's in the wrong position for optimal tanning.

Ja. Ja , I do get burned sometimes.

Your cheeks are a bit red.

No, I didn't mean those cheeks. I mean, I wasn't looking at

those cheeks. I mean, not that I wouldn't want to

look at those, I mean, I'm sure they're very nice cheeks ...

[STAMMERS]

Well, I mean, what do you expect? I mean ...

You're naked. I'm naked.

We're all...

... naked.

Ouch!

This is it. Yeah.

See the engraving?

[BOTH GRUNTING]

It's moving. Pull it out!

[GRUNTS]

[LAUGHS]

NIGEL: One stone, nobody will ever miss it.

Yeah, but how are we going to get it out of here?

What do you mean?

We're not exactly wearing pockets.

Right.

[STEALTHY MUSIC PLAYING]

[RUMBLING NOISE]

[LOUD NOISE OF ROCKS FALLING]

STEWIE: Oh you guys have been so great.

And I really mean that. But listen, I better get this thing

back to university, as quickly as I can.

Oh, Syd, thank you so much. You're the best.

Nige! [LAUGHS] Love ya.

All right, listen, I'm going to grab a cab and I'll go straight

to the airport, and I'll call you from Africa.

Stewie? Yeah.

Can we see it?

See what?

The runestone?

You already saw it.

We were kind of in a rush at the time. Just let me see it!

Syd, I'm going to miss my cab to the airport,

I better get going. Stewie.

Well, it is what he said. King Jann's runestone, amazing.

Yeah.

Wait a minute. You said it was King Jann the 1st.

I can't read the futhark, but this is definitely the crest of

Jann the 2nd.

This is King Jann the 2nd's runestone.

Well, first or second, what difference does it make, really?

King Jann the 2nd was also known as Jann the Bold,

who plundered vast fortunes from across Europe.

Which nobody ever found.

No kidding. Well, I didn't know that.

I'll make sure they put that on the plaque because I don't want them to get that wr...

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[FIGHTING GRUNTS]

[PAINFUL GROANS]

Syd, careful with the runestone!

[MEN GROANING IN PAIN]

[NERVOUS WHINING]

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Way to go, Syd. Way to go. Ha!

I can't believe we got mugged in Sweden!

Those guys weren't muggers.

I wonder what they wanted from us.

Good question.

SYDNEY: The engravings are futhark, like the parchment.

I guess we're going to be visiting our friend the translator again.

I wonder what this eight- legged horse means?

WAITRESS: Sleipnir. Odin's horse.

You must really like the service here. Back three times.

Yes, erm, we do.

Boy, here we go again.

[CLEARING THROAT] Listen, about this horse,

modem, is that what you said?

Odin, main god of the vikings.

That's right. His horse's name was Sleipnir.

It had eight legs so it would never tire.

With all the walking around on this trip, I could do with

another set of legs myself.

Nigel, we should probably head to the translator's office now.

I'm a relic hunter too.

[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]

Hello?

Lars?

Anybody home?

There doesn't seem to be anybody here.

Strange. Why don't you leave him a note, have him call us.

Right.

[SINISTER MUSIC PLAYING]

Well, ixnay on the note.

Either Lars was in the wrong place at the wrong time,

or he discovered something he wasn't supposed to.

Like what?

I have a pretty good idea.

Sydney, look.

There are ash marks on Lars' fingers.

Photograph, recently burned.

Looks like he wanted to get rid of it in a hurry before someone came after him.

Look at that, above the address.

NIGEL: Odin's horse.

SYDNEY: 7070, Ringvägen.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Get the feeling it's not a Bible study?

[METAL GATES CREAKING]

[OMINOUS CEREMONIAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[EERIE CHOIR SINGING]

Isn't that Bjorn, the other translator?

That's him.

Lars must have discovered their secret cult.

So they killed him.

[METAL CLANGS]

Brothers.

There's a filth among us.

There's one, so wretched in his obscenity,

that he would take our great book, and sell it

to the outside world.

MAN: Let me tell you, brothers,

[FOOTSTEPS]

we, we are diligent in our security.

And though we practice the ways of the ancients,

we do not ignore the ways of technology.

Your sale of our book is known!

But it will be recovered.

So that once more, it rests alongside the star of Odin!

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

MAN: The star of Odin,

our key to unlocking the secret of Jann the Bold's treasure.

So brother, you will have time indeed to reflect

upon your actions.

In Hell!

[SLASHING SOUND]

[SHUFFLING]

[MEN SPEAKING SWEDISH]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[MAN YELLING IN SWEDISH]

[FIGHTING SOUNDS]

[SWEDISH YELL]

[MEN SHOUTING IN SWEDISH]

STEWIE: Get that door! SYDNEY: Come on!

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Well, I guess we took care of those guys, huh?

Not so fast, professor. I want the truth, and I want it now.

What's the story with this book?

What do you mean by story?

You know what I mean. Look, can't we talk later?

There's twenty bloodthirsty vikings about to get in here.

I'll throw you to them if you don't come clean.

All right, look, but can't we talk about it somewhere else?

[LOUD BANGING]

Oh great, it's locked!

I can get us out, but first you tell me what's going on.

Ah jeez. Okay, look, I got a line on this rogue viking,

a really weird dude. You know, like these other choirboys?

He told me he stole the book, and he contacted me on my website.

Your website?

Yeah. You don't have one?

Go on! The lock?

Anyway, I bought the book from him, we did it all by e-mail,

I never even met the guy. So where's the book?

Safe and sound.

The whole book?

The whole book and nothing but it. [LAUGHS]

You didn't show us the rest of it because we'd know it

was for Jann the Bold and we wouldn't help you. You'd have

all the treasure for yourself. What are you, teacher's pet?

So, the book got us to the runestone.

That's right. And now,

we've got the key to Jann the Bold's treasure.

Star of Odin? You took the Star of Odin?

Uh-huh. Now we have everything we need to find Jann the Bold's secret loot.

Except a translator.

BJORN: D-d-don't kill me please.

Did Lars plead with you for his life, too?

I didn't kill Lars.

I, I only told the leader that he knew about us.

T-t-the leader had him killed.

BJORN: It's the truth.

I'll do anything. Yes. Please, take the knife away.

BJORN: The tablet refers to a sacred field,

the house of souls.

Where?

I don't know. I don't.

But... But what?

If you do find it, according to the runestone, it's cursed.

What kind of curse?

It says Jann the Bold quenched his thirst for riches...

...where dead men rest.

And all those who search for his treasure...

...will sleep among them.

Well, a fat lot of good this is gonna do us.

We don't know what or where this house is,

and at this hour who are we gonna find out from?

[POP MUSIC PLAYING]

Hello.

Hello again.

You're not coming here just for the food, are you?

No. Actually, erm...

I just have a quick question.

Have you ever heard of a house of souls?

Other than an appetizer or a dinner special, that is.

Oh, yes. The house of souls...

This is one of the most revered legends in all viking history.

WAITRESS: The house of souls was a very holy place.

Only the bravest warriors were allowed to enter.

Many never returned.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[NOCTURNAL BIRD SOUNDS]

Sydney! Stewie!

[PANTING]

SYDNEY: The runestone translation, I quench my thirst

where dead men sleep.

Quenching his thirst!

NIGEL: He was talking about a well.

Here, help me get this off. Yeah, let me hold this.

Thanks.

Oh yeah. This is it! This has got to be it.

Well, don't just stand there, go down and get it.

Stewie, make yourself useful and give us some light.

[DRIPPING SOUNDS]

STEWIE: [DISGUSTED SIGH] Oh, boy. This is not good.

Now what are we gonna do?

Maybe we should go down there, have a look around.

Climb down the walls?

Stewie, give me the light.

I'll hold it, you go down.

Give me the light. I want to hold the light.

[ARGUING] No!

[STRANGE EXPLOSION]

Did what I think just happened, happen?

I guess we're going down.

All of us.

You, you got me? Yeah.

STEWIE: Don't just drop me.

Stewie!

Thanks, Nige.

SYDNEY: The eight-legged horse will show us the way.

[GROANS]

Is this it?

Well, you've helped us, Bjorn.

So I'm going to spare you.

Thank you.

Call the others.

I don't want him to live to see another sunrise.

It looks kind of small.

I think a rat like you would feel right at home in there.

[NIGEL GRINNING]

Sleipnir...

[HEROIC MUSIC PLAYING]

This has got to be it.

[SWOOSHING AND SLASHING SOUNDS]

[TITTERS] Thanks. Thanks.

[OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

A viking burial ground.

Jann the Bold? Yeah. Where's the treasure?

Give me the star of Odin.

STEWIE: Yes!

[SOUND OF ROCKS MOVING]

NIGEL: Watch it!

STEWIE: Woah!

[LAUGHS]

[TRIUMPHANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[LAUGHS] Look at this.

Oh, my goodness.

We're gonna have to come back for the rest of the stuff later.

This isn't ours, Stewie. Yeah, right.

These are priceless artifacts that belong in a museum.

Museum, shmuseum. Who's gonna stop us? The viking police?

MAN: That's right.

I've been waiting a long time for this.

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[FIGHTING SOUNDS]

Go get him, Nige.

[FIGHTING IN THE BACKGROUND]

Should've brought a bigger bag. Why didn't I bring a bigger bag?

I'll be right with you.

[STRUGGLING]

[LOUD SLAPPING SOUND]

[LAUGHS]

See? It's not so bad when we work together, huh, Syd?

Listen, Sydney. Take 20% of the loot, I'll take the rest.

Every penny of this is going to a museum, Stewie.

Thirty percent. Every penny.

Forty-four?

You know what? You're right, Stewie.

It's not so bad when we work together.

[SCHOOL BELLS RINGING]

[ELECTRONIC NOISES]

[DOOR OPENING AND CLOSING]

Claudia, you're back.

How was the, huh, root canal?

Nothing I couldn't handle.

Why are you so happy?

Oh, just a friend coming over from Sweden on work study

for a few weeks.

What, some bimbo you met in a Swedish bar?

She is not a bimbo, and it was a restaurant as a matter of fact.

Pfft!

Where's Lynette? We don't need her.

But we already hired her to finish off the week.

She completely messed up the filing system.

I mean, Limp Bizkit in the acid jazz section?

What is she thinking?

Right.

CLAUDIA: I wouldn't go in there if I were you.

She's in a totally evil mood.

Why?

Don't know. She got some invitation...

They're dedicating a new wing in the museum to some guy...

Who?

Some professor from the University of Northeastern South Africa?

"Please join us for a dedication ceremony.

NIGEL: "Unveiling a new wing at the museum,

"the Harper wing...

"Honoring professor Stewie Harper, scholar, philantropist,

and generous donor." [BELL NOISE]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]