Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Hi, Ed.

What's this?

[chuckles] Wilbur, how do you like this trick?

Well, I didn't know you could balance a ball.

That's very good.

Take a bow, Ed.

You old phony. A ball on a string.

Well, sure. I'm a horse, not a seal.

[laughs]

What brought all this on, Ed?

The circus is in town.

Guess I got-- [hiccups]

...carried away.

You got the hiccups?

I'll live.

You know, ever since I was a pony,

I wanted to run away and join the circus.

With your big talent,

they'd grab you in a minute for the sideshow.

I can just see your billing now.

Ed The Talking Horse.

Yeah, that'd put me with the freaks.

Well, what do you want to be with the circus?

A trapeze artist.

A tr-- You?

Who'd catch you, an elephant?

Wilbur-- [hiccups]

...would you do me a favor?

Please take me to see the circus.

Oh, I can't do that.

It'd be half price.

I'm under 12.

Look, I'm going golfing with Addison this afternoon.

See, it's his birthday and I promised Carol and Kay

that I'd get him out of the house

while his present's being delivered.

It's a big surprise.

I'd like to give old lemon puss a gift.

9ó You would?

Yeah, a leaky skin diver outfit.

Ed, you should try to like Addison.

After all, he's our neighbor.

I would like him, Wilbur, except for one thing.

- What's that? - I hate him.

Ed, that is a very narrow-minded attitude.

[hiccups]

You know, a lot of this can be in your own thinking.

I feel that deep down inside,

Roger Addison does not dislike you.

Wilbur, once and for all,

I demand you sell that old plug.

- Happy Birthday, Rog. - Thank you.

This skid row animal of yours

sneaked into my backyard last night

and chewed some of the apples off my tree.

- Many happy returns. - Thank you.

There is a limit to how much even I can stand.

You don't look a day older than--

Who's asking you?

It is not fair of you to burst in here

and accuse Ed of eating your apples.

What proof do you have?

Proof? I don't need any proof.

I can tell by the guilty look on his face.

- [hiccups] - Ah, there's my proof.

Every time he eats my apples, he gets the hiccups.

Now, Wilbur, I think even you will admit

I have been very patient

with this gluttonous old nanny goat.

Rog, no name calling.

I mean, just because Ed hiccupped,

that doesn't mean he ate your apples.

You can't convict a horse on circumstantial evidence.

I saw his hoof prints in my yard.

Defense rests.

Well, it's not funny to me.

You better tie that nag up at night.

If he comes sneaking into my back yard again,

you and I are going to have trouble.

That mean our golf game is off?

Of course not.

You're supposed to keep me out of the house

so your wife and my wife

can surprise me with my birthday gift.

Right, but how did you find out about that?

That's all Carol and Kay have been gabbing about

on the phone for the last two weeks.

Have you got any idea what we're giving you?

No. I sure wish it was a new apple tree.

Well, I'll get my golf clubs

and meet you outside in a few minutes.

Okay, birthday boy.

Please sell him.

Holler, but don't hit.

Ed, I am ashamed of you.

You know how much Addison loves his backyard

and especially his apple tree.

How could you do it?

You ever get a yen for an apple at 3:00 in the morning?

You're not supposed to take things

that don't belong to you.

That's one of the rules of civilization.

I mean, what are we, animals?

- Well, speaking as a horse-- - Be quiet.

Yes, sir. [hiccups]

The next time I catch you going to Addison's backyard,

I'm going to tie you up.

Is that quite clear?

[hiccups] Darn those green apples.

I want your solemn word

you will not go into Addison's backyard again.

Oh, my little tummy hurts.

Ed, you're a faker. Do I have your solemn word?

[hiccups]

I never had my appendix out.

Ed, if I don't get your word,

you're going to have all your meals out.

Okay, you got my word, my word of honor.

I'll never take another apple.

All right.

[hiccups]

Oh, sweetie, Addison will flip

when he sees this gift you're giving him.

Oh, good.

For years he's wanted

a fishpond back here.

Then why didn't he buy one?

Well, you know my husband.

He hates to spend money on himself.

On anybody, come to think of it.

He liked that smoking jacket you got him, huh?

Loved it.

You know, I'd better warn you, sweetie.

Addison is very sentimental.

You know, when I gave him the jacket, he practically cried?

Oh, you're kidding me, Kay.

No, I'm not, sweetie.

He's just an old softy.

You should have seen him at our wedding.

He cried so much,

I almost took pity on him and let him go.

Oh, don't you think that Roger would be--

Shh-shh. Here they come.

I still think you let me win because it's my birthday.

Hey, what's this?

Oh, Happy Birthday, doll.

- Happy Birthday, Rog. - Happy Birthday, Roger.

It's from Wilbur and Carol, sweetie.

Here come the rains.

I always wanted that fountain.

Oh, thank you, Carol.

You're welcome, Roger.

And thank you, Wilbur.

Just shake hands, Rog.

Wilbur, I'm very deeply touched.

I don't know what to say.

Well, just say you'll spend as much for me on my birthday.

What? 89.95?

How did you know what it costs?

I've been pricing this fountain for years.

Look. Goldfish, too.

Well, not exactly. They're just gold-plated.

The man at the store said

that you could start your collection with these.

Well, they've got some really expensive tropical fish,

but I wouldn't let them spend all that money.

Why not?

Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no, you've been more than generous.

They're beautiful.

They're just beautiful, and Wilbur,

I know exactly the kind of fish I want to add to those.

Do you want to come down to the store with me now?

Wait a minute, Rog.

Honey, did you get the other gift I asked you to pick up?

- Here it is, honey. - Thank you.

Rog, I hope this makes up

for Ed eating those apples last night.

Wilbur, you--

you shouldn't have gone to all the trouble to do this.

I-- I don't deserve it.

There's no reason in the world

why you should both be so generous.

Apple seeds?

Don't be ashamed, Rog.

If you feel like crying,

just let it go.

You sure went all out with these tropical fish, Rog.

$65. Wow.

Well, these fish are not ordinary.

These fish are very rare.

Personally, I like my fish well done.

You've got a morbid sense of humor.

Now, the important thing

is to get these little fellows

in their new home.

- Now, let me see. - Oh, yeah-- yeah.

These are the celestials-- 3.95 each.

Hey, wait a minute.

Wilbur, those fish that were already in there,

the ones you bought--

now, if I'm not too inquisitive,

how much did they cost you?

25 cents each.

Only 25 cents?

I wouldn't worry about it, Rog.

They know their place.

They won't swim in the 3.95 section.

Well, no offense, Wilbur,

isn't there a chance

that my expensive fish

might catch something from yours?

Oh, not a chance.

Mine have already had their shots.

Go ahead, dump them in.

Well, all right if you say so.

Dr. Evans, I'm-- [hiccups]

...calling about my horse.

He's had hiccups all night,

and I'm wondering what I should do for him.

You'll want to give him a shot?

Sorry. Wrong number.

[hiccups]

[groans]

Hi, Ed, you sleep well?

Terrible.

I can't get rid of these hiccups.

All night my head kept bouncing like a rubber ball.

[hiccups, groans]

That'll teach you to stay away from Addison's apples.

Well, if you ask me,

those weren't apples.

They were Mexican jumping beans.

Let's see if we can't do something to fxix you up, fella.

- [groans] - Ah, here we are.

- We'll take care of you, kid. - [groans]

I want you to take a long drink of water here

without breathing.

Okay, Ed?

Oh-- [hiccups]

...kay.

[slurping]

How do you feel?

Swell, Wilbur.

It's completely-- [hiccups]

...back again.

Well, what else can we do?

You know, a couple of months ago Carol got the hiccups,

and she cured them by breathing into a paper bag.

- No kidding. - Yeah.

This is the way it works.

When you breath into a paper bag,

you build up all the carbon dioxide in the body,

and that gets rid of the hiccups.

- Oh. - Sure, just put your head in there.

Atta boy.

Look, just breath normally, see? All right?

- [Mister Ed grunts] - Inhale the good air.

- [inhales] - Exhale the bad air.

[Mister Ed snorts]

- Inhale the good air. - [inhales]

- I mean, the bad air. - [snorts]

- Exhale the inhale. - [inhales and snorts]

Uh, the good air-- the bad-- bad air.

[Mister Ed groans]

You're mixing me up.

I'm forgetting how to breathe.

Look, it cured the hiccups.

Yeah, that's-- [hiccups]

...right.

[Mister Ed sighs]

Well, look, I'll try one more thing.

I want you to turn around and face the wall. Okay?

Oh-- [hiccups] ...kay.

Turn around-- and don't look back.

[Mister Ed sighs]

Don't turn around, Ed.

I won't.

[pops]

[Wilbur] How you feel?

I thought you shot me.

[Wilbur chuckles]

I wouldn't hurt you.

Nobody's ever going to hurt you, Ed.

I'll shoot that horse. I'll kill him.

Wait a minute, Rog. What happened?

That blasted nanny goat of yours

ate up all my tropical fish.

Oh, no. When did this happen?

During the night. He does all his dirty work at night.

Now, look, Rog, I can't believe this.

I mean, Ed might eat apples, but fish?

That horse will eat anything.

Come on. I'll show you.

I should've stood in bed today.

Kay, I don't think Mister Ed could've eaten those fish.

Well, I don't know, sweetie.

First the apples, and now this.

Maybe Ed thinks we're running an all-night cafeteria.

It just doesn't seem possible.

There you are. Look for yourself.

Now do you believe me?

There's only two fish left.

Yours. Your horse left only the cheap ones.

Rog, I'm sorry. I don't know what to say.

I've got a suggestion.

Say, "Roger, here's your $65 back."

Now, wait a minute. We don't have any proof.

Proof? When your horse ate my apples,

he got the hiccups.

What do you expect him to do now, swim upstream?

- Oh, Addison-- - Keep out of this, Kay.

Now, Wilbur, this is the last straw.

Either you sell that horse,

or don't bother to come around here anymore.

Well, I'm sorry, Rog,

but I am not selling Ed.

Goodbye, Wilbur.

Come, Carol.

But--

Carol.

[Mister Ed] Oh, why so busy? Why so busy?

[grunts] What is this, a lynching party?

Fine thing putting your best friend on a leash.

I just lost a good neighbor because you broke your word.

But I didn't, Wilbur.

I didn't eat the fish.

I don't like fish.

Sorry, Ed. I don't believe you.

I didn't eat the fish. I didn't eat the fish.

[hiccups]

That's apples.

[groans]

Oh, I wish the boys would make up.

Wilbur's trying to pretend that he doesn't care,

but I know he just feels awful.

Yeah, my doll, too.

You know, Wilbur's the closest friend Addison has had

since I've known him,

and that includes me.

I wish there was something we could do to bring them together.

Hm, let's face it, sweetie.

As long as Wilbur keeps Mister Ed,

Addison won't budge.

Where is he now?

He said he was going to the lumber yard.

The lumber yard? What for?

I don't know, sweetie.

Maybe he's going to build a fortress around his fishpond.

Building a fence, huh?

No, a swimming pool.

I want to tell you something, Rog.

I'm an architect, but I've never seen anybody

putting pickets this straight,

and the way you've got these cross pieces put in,

it's a work of art.

I want to congratulate you, Rog.

Shake.

I am not talking to you.

No, but I'm talking to you, and I always say,

half a conversation is better than none.

What do you say, Rog?

You know, the boys at the club always say,

"What does Roger Addison do for a living?

"He's always so well dressed,

so intellectual, so charming."

I never know what to answer them,

but now I know what to tell them.

He's a fence builder.

I'm glad you didn't say anything, Rog.

That shows character.

I'm proud of you, neighbor.

Shake.

Again. Again, you didn't talk.

They say silence is golden,

and you are the Fort Knox of our neighborhood.

Yes, sir.

And the way you can paint on one knee.

You know, Van Gogh had to stand up.

Michelangelo used a ladder, but you?

You do it on one knee.

Shake.

What a beautiful job.

Nobody can paint a hand like you.

This hand should be hanging in the Louvre.

Would you sign this?

All right, all right, you've had your laugh. You've had your joke.

You've had your fun, but as long as you keep that horse,

this fence stays,

and you and I are not talking.

Look, Rog, all joking aside,

I want to keep you as my friend.

Now, I've tied Ed up.

He can't possibly bother you anymore.

I'm not taking any chances.

I've just restocked my fishpond,

and I don't intend it to be a snack bar

for your horse.

Then this fence stays?

The fence stays.

In that case I have a sad story for you, Rog.

You see that little marker behind you?

That marks the boundary between our two houses,

and this fence is on my property.

What?

And as for you being a great fence builder--

[chuckles]

They never tied the knot that this horse can't untie.

Yeah.

And just where do you think you are going?

I'm running away

to join the circus.

You are, huh?

I'm going to tie you up

so you will never get loose.

I don't want to stay where people don't take my word.

Still denying that you ate Addison's fish?

What do I have to do, establish an alibi?

- Yeah. - Okay.

The night of the crime,

I was out shooting pool with Jackie Gleason.

Oh, that's very funny.

Well, you don't believe the truth.

Yeah, I know, Ed.

At the time of the fish caper,

you were standing here in the barn,

minding your own business.

That's true.

I gave you my word of honor.

I think your story is fishier than the caper.

Wilbur, you know why you're the only human I ever talk to?

Why?

Because you love animals.

You trust them.

At least I thought you did.

Yeah. Well, I'll talk to you later, Ed.

No, you won't, Wilbur.

I'm never talking to you again.

Well...

suit yourself, Ed.

[sniveling]

[snorts, sniveling]

Kay, how do I look?

Well, Addison, you're not going to wear

your birthday present to bed.

No, no, no, of course not.

Just trying it on.

How do I look?

Like a well-dressed zebra.

You thinking of Wilbur?

I am not.

He's the furthest thing from my mind.

You know, doll, Wilbur will never let his horse go.

If you feel like putting up your fence, put it up,

but don't stop talking to Wilbur.

[cat meows]

I know what I'm doing.

I just will not have that horse

making nightly raids on my property.

[cat growls]

Those darn cats.

That is all I needed,

just to have those cats out there.

- Oh, Addison, please. - Things aren't bad enough around here.

[Kay] Oh, honestly.

[meows]

[Addison] My tropical fish.

Scram. Beat it.

Go away. Go on.

Come on, cats, out of here.

Oh, you devils, go away.

Addison will kill you.

- Oh. - Did they get many, doll?

I don't know.

Th-Th-There's my $4.00 fish.

There's my 3.99 fish.

Hey, what do you know?

They got one of Wilbur's 25-cent fish.

Isn't that wonderful?

Speaking of Wilbur,

wouldn't you say you owe him an apology?

An apology? What for--

Oh, you mean for blaming it on his horse?

Yes, I mean for blaming it on his horse.

Now, come along with Mother, doll.

No, no, no no, I'll talk to him tomorrow.

I'm not dressed.

You'll talk to him now

if we have to have a pajama party.

- Huh? - Come on, sweetie.

Honey, you haven't touched your sandwich.

If he won't talk to me anymore,

I won't have the heart to go in that barn.

What does Roger have to do with the barn?

Hm? Uh, that's right. Who needs him in the barn?

Who needs who in the barn?

That's exactly the way I feel.

I don't need anybody in the barn

now that I got you.

[door opens]

We're in the kitchen, Kay.

Come on in and have a sandwich.

Whatever's missing, Ed didn't take it

because he's tied up in the barn, and I'm his witness.

Wilbur, Addison has something to say to you.

Me?

Wilbur, it seems there were some cats in my backyard--

Now, just a minute.

Apples he'll eat. Fish, maybe, but cats, never.

Wilbur, I owe you an apology.

Hi, fella.

Look, Addison just found out that some cats ate his fish.

I'm-- I'm sorry I didn't take your word.

Ed, I know you said you'd never talk to me again,

and, well, I--

Look, I-- I really can't blame you.

I mean, you gave me your word,

and I should have believed you.

Well, like I said, I--

I got it coming to me, Ed.

I only hope that some day maybe you'll forgive me

and start talking to me again.

Wilbur.

Ed, you talked.

What is it, Ed. What do you want?

I'll forgive you if you--

if you do me a great favor.

Well, anything, Ed, just name it. Anything.

Well, come closer.

[muttering]

[Man] You have plenty of time to-- Thank you, sir.

You have plenty of time

to stop here and see the sideshow,

and, ladies and gentlemen, the admission price

is 25 cents.

- Two tickets, please. - Two tickets. Yes, sir.

And thank you very much, sir.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, the price of admission is 25 cents.

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

let me call your attention to these talking cats.

- Two tickets, please. - These--

- How many, sir? - Two.

Yeah--

Two tickets?

Please.

You know, I'm sure glad you decided

not to build that fence, Rog.

[chuckles] That is one thing about me, Wilbur.

Whenever I'm wrong,

I'm the first to admit it.

True?

Well, let's say you're among the first.

- [phone ringing] - Excuse me, Rog.

Hello.

Wilbur, they're-- [hiccups]

...back again.

Well, did you try drinking a large bucket of water?

Did you try breathing into a paper bag?

Couldn't get the bag over your face, huh?

Well, I'll be right over.

- Right back, Rog. - Where you going?

Well, I've got to frighten a friend.

Strange man.

Strange man.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.