Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Hi, Ed. How you doing?

I'm dying.

That's nice.

[sighs]

Ah. Boy, the plans for this Murdock house are coming along--

Dying?

You know that cold you caught last week?

Yeah?

I caught it this week.

Oh, now just a minute, Ed.

Don't you blame me.

A horse can't catch a cold from a human.

[Mister Ed sneezes]

Then why am I sneezing?

I'd better call the vet

and have him give you a shot, huh?

Oh, no.

Keep that trigger-happy quack away from me.

Wait a minute.

Look, Dr. Evans happens to be

one of the best men in town.

Then why didn't you go to him for your cold?

Because I go to my own doctor.

Okay. I'll go to him, too.

He doesn't treat horses.

Why not? Tell him it's your cold.

It just moved to a bigger location.

Ed, take it easy for a few days. You'll be fine.

Now, look, I've gotta finish those Murdock plans.

Then Carol and I are going to the ballet tonight with the Addisons.

Ah...

ah...ah-choo!

Uhh, gesundheit.

Well, let's face it, I'm sick as a dog.

Oh, and look at those watery eyes.

And that red nose.

Ahh...

I'm not long for this world.

[sighs]

Wilbur, feel my head.

I think I'm getting a fever.

You won't let me call a doctor.

What can I do?

Well, you could nurse me

back to health with your own loving hands.

Okay.

I'll go down to the drugstore

and see what cold remedies they have.

Ah, good.

Remember, you're fighting our germs.

Rog, I'm going to the drugstore. Can I get you--

Hey, is that your new camera?

- Yeah. Isn't that a beauty? - Mmm.

Wilbur, this lens is so powerful,

I can take a picture of a fly at a hundred feet.

Profile or full face?

With this beauty, I'm a cinch to win

my club's photography contest this year.

Well, I wish you good luck, Rog.

[whooping]

[chanting and drumming]

Ahhhh!

Ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh, ahh.

How.

Me Indian maid,

come pose for cheesecake picture.

She fell off a wagon train

when she was a papoose.

Roger, I think it's very nice

that Kay offered to help you out.

See? He wanted to go out

and hire one of those young models

to stand around the beach in a bikini.

So I said, "Why waste your wampum when you've got me?"

Well, he had to admit I was right.

Of course, she was holding a tomahawk over my head at the time.

Wilbur, I hope you don't mind me using your yard.

I'm trying to get some different backgrounds.

Oh, no. Help yourself. I gotta go to the drugstore.

Oh, you're not sick?

We've been looking forward to the ballet tonight.

No, I'm fine. It's Ed. He caught my cold.

What? Why, that's impossible.

Horses can't catch cold from humans.

Then why is he sneezing?

See you later.

All right, Minnehaha, stand over there

about 6, 7 feet away.

Shade your eyes and look off into the distance.

Make like an Indian.

All right, Great White Doll.

All right.

That's fine. Good. Good. Good.

Hold it.

What am I watching for?

Ohh...

White settlers. A herd of buffalo.

A traveling blanket salesman, anything.

Yeah. That's right, sir.

Okay. Goodbye.

Feeling better, Ed?

The man at the drugstore said this vaporizer

should clear your cold up immediately.

[shivering] It-- It-- It certainly did.

Ah-choo!

Take it away.

Okay.

This sunlamp feels good.

Am I getting a tan?

No. With your complexion, you'll probably just freckle.

I don't know. This stuff I got you should help.

You know what would really help me?

What?

A nice hot bath.

Ahh, we've already got a plug in our tub.

- [laughs] - I've got three feet in the grave,

and you're making jokes.

There isn't a tub in town that could hold you.

You know anybody who's got a heated pool?

Look, I got to get Mr. Murdock's plans out.

We're going to the ballet tonight.

Why don't you just close your eyes, relax,

and take a nice, little nap?

Shouldn't I be drinking lots of liquids?

Want me to get you some water?

No. No water.

My mother always said

hot carrot juice is the only thing for a cough.

What cough?

[long wheezing cough]

Ed, we haven't got any carrot juice.

I'd have to run clear into town for that, and I haven't got time.

[coughing]

Remember, Wilbur, I got this cold from you.

You know what your problem is?

You are a hypochondriac.

Yeah, I think I got a touch of that, too.

Do I get my carrot juice?

All right, I'll get you some carrot juice.

Oh, Wilbur,

no horse ever had a better mother.

I try, Ed.

Oh, honey, which dress should I wear to the ballet tonight?

Well, you'd look pretty in all of them.

Carol, I gotta run into town. I won't be long.

Oh, have you finished with the plans for Mr. Murdock?

No, not yet.

I, uh...uh, well, I gotta pick up a gallon of carrot juice.

Ed's getting worse.

Oh, Wilbur, honestly!

The way you spoil that horse is ridiculous.

You didn't pamper me that way

when I had my cold two weeks ago.

Well, you're not a dumb animal.

Neither is Mister Ed.

Ahh...ahh...

Uhh, it's still a little red.

All right, you germs in there,

I want you all out of this horse by sundown.

Honey, if you could hear

poor Ed sneezing and coughing, it would tear your heart out.

Wilbur,

you know I like Mister Ed.

But if he's so sick, why don't you call Dr. Evans?

- That trigger-happy quack? - What?

Honey, no. I mean, Dr. Evans,

he's too free and easy with that needle.

I didn't raise my horse to be a dartboard.

Oh, honey, when are you going to stop spoiling that animal?

Well, look, I better get going.

I want to get back before the freeway traffic gets heavy.

Now, don't forget, Wilbur, don't be late.

I've been counting on this ballet for weeks.

Honey, don't worry. I'll be back in time.

[Carol sighs]

Uh, Carol?

Honey, if you get a chance, look in on Ed, will you?

Oh, certainly.

And while I'm there, shall I tell him a bedtime story?

Yeah. I think he'd like that.

[siren blaring]

[turns off siren]

[sighs]

Traveling kinda fast, weren't you?

Yes, I'm, um, afraid I was, officer.

See, I'm in a hurry to get home.

There's a sickness in the family.

Your wife?

No, my horse.

Very funny.

May I see your driver's license, please?

Yeah. I wasn't trying to be funny, officer.

I mean, my horse really is sick.

He has, uh, he has a terrible cold.

See, my wife gave it to me, and I gave it to him.

Horses do not catch colds from human beings.

Then why is he sneezing?

Would you mind taking your driver's license

out of there, please?

Oh. Yeah.

Officer, I'm-- I'm afraid I'm in a terrible hurry.

See, we're, uh, we're going to the ballet tonight.

You and the horse?

No, no. My-- My wife and I.

And my horse doesn't like ballet.

How does he know?

Has he ever seen ballet?

Only on television.

Your horse watches TV?

Well, just when I watch television,

sometimes he watches with me.

Your horse lives in the house with you?

Oh, no, no.

I live in the barn with him.

I mean, I work in the barn.

The barn is where I do all of my, uh...

I'm-- I'm an architect.

Uh, what's in the jug?

Oh, that's the carrot juice.

I'd like to smell the jug.

Yeah. Just--

If we miss this ballet tonight,

my wife will be furious.

[pop]

[sloshing]

Smells kind of funny.

Well, that's-- that's straight carrot juice.

None of that cut stuff.

My horse would know the difference in a minute.

Would you mind stepping out of the car, please?

That is, if you can.

Well, office--

I'm all right.

Officer, you don't understand.

I mean, you're-- you're making

a very big mistake here, officer.

I mean, if-- if-- if we're late for--

I mean, if I miss this ballet tonight, I'll be in real trouble.

Would you mind blowing up the balloon, please?

Officer, I have not been drinking.

Start blowing.

You're making a terrible mis-- mistake.

Honey, you shouldn't be sitting there in the cold.

That's right.

I should be sitting at the ballet.

Honey, you-- you have every right in the world to be angry.

I guess you're wondering where I've been.

In jail.

In jail?

Well, it's, uh, it's a long story.

I passed the sobriety test with flying colors,

but I had a little bit of trouble

with the psychiatric examination.

Oh, Wilbur, I knew when you left the house today

something would happen.

Well, the Addisons have left, we've missed the ballet,

and I hope that precious horse of yours

enjoys his carrot juice!

[slam]

Negligee is very pretty.

Looks beautiful on you.

I'm sure you'd like it better if it were a horse blanket.

Carol, I'm sorry about tonight.

Gee, I tried to explain.

That horse always comes first.

He does not.

Sometimes I wish he were anot

Then I'd stand a chance.

Now, Carol, believe me...

Everything is for Mister Ed.

I just wish you cared one-tenth as much for me.

I do!

That is, you mean just as much to me as that horse.

More. More. More.

Look, sweetie, I'll make it up to you.

We'll go to the ballet tomorrow night, huh?

We'll eat out, and-- and then we'll go dancing.

Do a nightclub. Oh, we'll really live it up.

[chuckling] Oh, Wilbur.

But what if Mister Ed sneezes again?

Honey, if he's still got his cold tomorrow,

I send him to a vet.

Oh, thank you, darling.

[chuckles]

[phone rings]

Oh. Who could that be at this hour?

Hmm.

[ring]

Hello?

Wilbur.

Uh...

I'm cold.

I got chills.

Well, there's, uh...

there's nothing I can do about it now.

Bring me some blankets.

My teeth are chattering so loud, I can't sleep.

[clattering like castanets]

Okay. I'll take care of it right away.

Goodbye, Mr. Murdock.

Mr. Murdock? At this hour?

Yeah. Well, he, uh, he suddenly wants me

to add a fireplace to the master bedroom.

I think I better do it now.

Oh, darling.

How long will it take you?

Oh, just a couple of blankets-- uh, a couple of minutes.

I'll be back before you know it, dear.

There.

Ah, that's it, Ed.

Feel better now?

Yeah.

That chest rub really helped.

Good. Well, I'd better get back to Carol.

I told her I'd only be a few minutes.

Ohh...ohh...

Ed? What's the matter?

Now the chill has gone to my tail.

Well, maybe I'll give you some more nice, hot carrot juice, huh?

Yeah. The way I feel, I can use a stiff drink.

[chuckles] Ed.

[Mister Ed shivers]

There we go.

Okay, Ed.

Okay, Ed.

Bottoms up.

Uh, can I have my straw?

- Ah. - All right.

Thanks. [chuckles]

Mmm. [slurping]

[laughing] Good.

[sighing] Ahh...

Uh, now how about one for the road?

Oh, no. You've had enough. [chuckles]

You're feeling better, huh?

Yeah. Let me just take your temperature.

[Ed] Ooh...

Open up.

I hope Mr. Murdock's temperature is normal.

While I was here, Ed caught a chill.

Why don't you throw him over your shoulder and burp him?

Honey, I was just coming up to bed.

Don't bother!

You can snuggle up here with your sick friend.

[loud clomping]

Well, how do you like Addison's latest brainstorm?

Very cute, Kay.

You know, last year, a picture

of a Mexican dancer won first prize,

so he figures that foreign girls are the answer.

Oh.

Are you and Wilbur going on a trip?

No. We had a fight, and I'm going home to mother.

Oh, now, wait a minute, doll.

If you have a fight with your husband,

you don't go home to mother.

You bring your mother home to him.

No, Kay, I'm through.

I'm tired of playing second fiddle to a horse.

Say, Kay, I just got some news about--

Uh, just a minute, Addison.

There's a real domestic problem here.

Huh? Oh, now, Carol,

[chuckling] come on. I-- I know

you're upset about not going to the ballet last night,

but, well, you can't expect a husband to be perfect.

Mine isn't even normal.

She has a point there.

Now, sweetie, don't do anything rash.

You've only been married for a short while.

It takes years of living together

for a couple to really hate each other.

Well, if Wilbur wants me back,

he'll know where I am.

[humming]

What is this, Carol? Where are you going?

I'm going to visit Mother for a while.

Maybe a few weeks. Maybe a month.

Oh, now, that's being silly.

Oh. You spend the night soaking that horse's feet,

and I'm silly!

Well, he happens to be sick.

I'm sick, too-- sick of your treating your horse

better than you do your wife!

Now, just a moment, both of you.

What's needed here is a calm, cool head.

He's right. Where can we find one?

Carol, Wilbur, this whole thing

can be settled in a quiet, mature way.

Why don't you let some unbiased party hear both sides

and then have him tell you what he thinks?

Fine.

Okay with me.

All right. Now, Carol, as I see it,

you hate that four-legged bindle stiff out there,

a feeling which I share with you completely.

Oh, I want a lawyer.

Roger, I don't hate Mister Ed.

I'm very fond of him.

What I object to is the way Wilbur pampers him.

Surely as his wife,

I'm entitled to a little attention.

Certainly, my dear.

Don't you want to hear my side of the story?

No. In my opinion,

Carol is absolutely right.

You should be ashamed of yourself,

the way you treat this girl in such a shabby manner.

In my book, you're guilty.

And I'll help you carry your bags to the station.

I can't say I haven't had a fair trial.

Wilbur, if you are wise,

you will stop pampering your horse

and start pampering your wife

and be kind and gentle and sweet.

Come on, Kay. You've meddled in these kids' affairs enough.

I've meddled?

Honey.

Well, I'm sorry, dear. You're right. I--

I have been spoiling Ed, and...

I promise I'll stop.

Okay?

Do you mean it?

[chuckles] Word of honor.

Can I take these back upstairs?

- Uh-huh. - [chuckles]

[Carol laughs] Ohh, honey.

Lead the way.

I handled that rather nicely, don't you think?

My strategy worked perfectly.

Oh, very good, doll, but why don't you

ever take the wife's side when we have a fight?

My dear, we never have fights.

Our life is one long Cold War.

Come on. You'd better take my picture

while I'm still speaking to you.

My dear, there has been a slight change of plans.

I've just learned that Charlie Morton

is going to judge this contest.

And his taste tends more to animal pictures.

Okay. Find a tree and get me a banana.

[door closes]

Hi, Ed.

How do you feel?

I think I'm losing the cold.

Good.

But I'm getting pneumonia.

Pneumonia?

Maybe you'd better fly me to the Mayo Clinic.

Look. I nearly lost Carol.

She nearly left me.

And I'm gonna stop pampering you.

If you're really sick, I'll call a doctor.

No. No, I'll-- I'll fight our germs alone.

You know, Ed, you're working too much.

I got over my cold in a couple of days, and so can you.

How did you do it, Wilbur?

I just got into bed, and I stayed there.

Okay, get me a bed.

Ed, you are a hypochondriac.

[door opens, closes]

Yeah. A bed.

I think it's a good idea.

Hello, operator.

Ed, we're finally off to the ballet.

[chuckles]

Ed?

Ed.

Where did this come from?

Oh, this feels good.

I think I'll have breakfast in bed tomorrow.

But, Ed, if Carol sees this, she'll leave me for sure!

Feel this sheet, Wilbur.

Genuine silk.

This bed has got to go!

- Come on! - Please, Wilbur!

I'm not wearing pajamas.

What am I gonna do with this animal?

No!

[Addison] Wilbur. Are you in there?

Not one peep outta you.

[snoring]

[exhales whistling]

Wilbur. The animal picture I just thought of

- has got to win first prize. - What picture?

I'm going to have Kay stand on Mister Ed's back.

- It'll make a terrific shot. - But-- But, Roger--

Honey, it'll only take a few seconds.

You see, Wilbur, the beauty of this shot

is that it combines the girl--

Oh. Well, pardon me, sir. I'm sorry.

Carol, start packing.

Ohh...

[sighs]

Wilbur, goodbye.

I'll drive you to the airport.

You're sick, Wilbur.

Very sick.

Just a minute!

You've been talking all day long

- about getting in a great animal picture. Right? - Yeah?

Hmm. I've gone to all this trouble,

and this-- this is the thanks I get!

You mean this is just for the contest?

That's right.

Wilbur, this is a stroke of genius!

This can't miss! This has got to take first prize!

I'm gonna get in this picture if it kills me.

Move over, Ed.

Honey, we'll be late for the ballet.

Oh, darling...

- Oh. Roger. - Yeah?

When you finish with that, would you mind

putting a couple of hot water bottles next to his feet?

Right.

What?

Hi, Ed. How do you feel today?

In the pink, Wilbur.

It's good to be on my feet again.

Mmm. How do you like your new bed?

Oh, what a night.

When I was covered, my tail wasn't.

And when my tail was covered, I wasn't.

Then you didn't like the bed, huh?

No. But the mattress was delicious.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA