All language subtitles for Modern.Family.S05E22.720p.WEB-DL.DD5.1.H.264-HWD.en

Oh, New Yorker,
you've done it again.

- Jay, check out this cartoon.
- Does it have a talking dog?

- No, it's a commentary...
- I'm out!

Here you go,

one of my best efforts.

Have at it.

Mm, I can't eat that.

- Why not?
The pickle's touching it.

There.

The juice got on the bread and,
ew, what's that stuff?

- Spices.
- It looks like sea monkeys.

Have you ever really
examined a jar of pickles, Jay?

It's like a swamp in there.
I'll pass.

What happened?

I made him a beautiful sandwich,
and he won't eat it.

Yeah, 'cause it had pickles on it.

Joe is taking a nap.

I'm gonna go to the dry cleaners.

Well, if you're passing
a Sushi restaurant --

She's not.

I've never heard of anyone
not liking pickles.

Aw, big day for you, then.

I'm just gonna make myself
a grilled cheese.

I think I saw some guyere in it
Do we have any fig?

Sit down.

This whole persnickety thing
is not gonna fly in the world.

Never hand people another
reason to make fun of you.

You mean like all the cool kids

with their leather jackets
and their pickles?

Well, you're gonna sit there
until you at least try a pickle.

You're drunk with power.

You got that right.

www.facebook.com/gatonplay

www.facebook.com/gatonplay

- Oh, no.
- What?

The Tonys are coming.

Cam, this is exactly why
I don't want you watching them --

you're already so angry.

Not that Tonys --
Anthony Lamarque, Botox Tony.

They're coming to the wedding.

But, seriously, another
revival of "Anything Goes"?

Are we really doing this again?

I'm surprised that
they're coming,

because when I mentioned
the wedding to Tony,

he seemed completely
disinterested --

Oh, the Botox.

Oh, no.

Your cousin Pete,
all of his kids.

Everyone's accepting, Mitchell!

We haven't even gotten
the list from my dad yet.

And your dad's friends
drink like soldiers.

Because they were soldiers.

I mean, I am grateful
for their service,

but we are not gonna be able
to afford this wedding.

Okay, maybe we need
to pull back on a few things.

Like what?

Uh, the centerpieces?

Why even have a wedding?

I don't know, Cam.

Because we love and
respect each other

and we're raising
a child together?

Do you want to help or not? Ooh!

Maybe we could send un-vitations.
Is that a thing?

We've already made
a lot of people angry

by just being able
to get married.

Let's not alienate
the ones on our side.

All right.
Maybe we could sell something.

We're thousands over budget.

It would have to be
something great.

Here, you can sell
my diamond ring.

Oh, honey, that's candy.

I'm gonna kill that Jackson!

I do have something of value --

a "Spiderman vs.
Dr. Octopus" comic book.

Issue number 3, 1963,
near-mint condition.

It's worth 5 grand.

I traded a football for it
when I was 9 years old,

and my dad was mad

because the football
was signed by Dan Marino.

I said, "get it signed by Rita Moreno,
and I'll keep it."

Oh, no.

My nephews are flying in
from Tulsa -- the big ones.

The pie eaters?

That's it.
I got to sell my Wyatt Earp.

This here is a belt buckle once worn
by the great Wyatt Earp.

My grandpa gave it to me
when I was 7 years old,

and he said,"Son, this will
keep the bad guys away."

In my early 20s, I wore it
to a cowboys-and-indians disco party.

And let's just say it didn't.

No. I can't let you do that.

That means the world to you.

Cam, I will sell my "Spiderman."

Mitchell, my belt buckle was owned

by a legend of the old west.

I don't think your comic book

would even cover
our balloon budget.

Well, that's very offens--

Wait. What's the balloon budget?

Hey, mom, can we put
this stuff somewhere else?

It's cluttering up my room.

What is it?

Oh, just some mementos of mine.

A few of your dad's.

- Oh, Zima!
- Yeah.

What's Zima?

Just a party in a bottle.

Man, that reminds me
of some wild times.

Cranking the Bjork in my Saturn

before me and my buddies
snuck some "Z"

into "Sleepless in Seattle."

I wish you'd covered
my ears for that.

Ooh, mom. Who's this hottie
with his arm around you?

Cute!

Oh, that's Bobby Nash,
my old boyfriend.

Why'd you break up with him?
For dad?

Let's just say he took his eye off
the ball and struck out.

So I stepped up to the plate

and nailed her
in the cheap seats.

Yeah, let's not say that.

Well, I'm off.

Oh, honey, I've got to stop
by the drug store.

Do you need anything?

No, thank you, my dear.

The Dunphy glands produce
all the drugs I need.

Except for, uh, foot spray.

Could you grab me some of that?

Sure.

Oh, wow, mom!

What a dork, right?

What were you thinking?

It was comfortable.
My dad didn't approve.

Enough said.

I know it's hard to believe,

but I was actually a bit
of a nerd back in the day.

And it was suggested that
I was out of my league

when I landed Claire.

By Jay, mostly.

And my friends.
A-and my parents.

And Claire.

What's this?

Oh, my gosh.

That is your father's answering
machine from college.

God, I sometimes forget
how old you guys are.

You've reached Phil's world!

Party time! Excellent!

Schwing!

He's so cute.

Hi, Phil.
This is Mitchell,

Uh, Pritchett, Claire's brother.

I just wanted to thank you
for setting me up with your cousin.

She was very nice.

Ooh. The only problem is
she lives kinda far, so...

That's the only problem?

Hey, Dunph-dog, it's Ling.

Grab your rollerblades and meet us
at the bike path, playa!

But I got to be done by 3:00,

'cause today's the day
I fly my new helicopter.

Phil, hey, it's Claire. Um...

I need to tell you something,

and I don't want to do it
on your machine.

It's really important --

- Oh, no, no, no.
- You know, life-and-death important.

- Come on. Come on.
- Not death, um, just life.

I mean...

I just -- oh, hell,
I'm pregnant!

Oh, sweet newlyweds!

Don't worry. You don't have
to marry me or anything.

Let's talk as soon as you can.

Why weren't we more careful?

Stupid Duran Duran concert.

All right!

That's enough.

I was conceived at
a Duran Duran concert?

Classy start to a classy life.

You were not conceived
at the concert.

It was after the concert.

Oh, wha-- in the car?!

It was a very nice car.

Listen, I am done.
Stop snooping. I'm going.

The seats folded
all the way back.

Oh, images.

I can't believe they kept it.

I have a name.

The answering machine.

You know, we could
have some fun with this.

I'm home!

Hi, mom.

Manny, what are you doing
sitting in front of a pickle?

Jay says I can't leave
until I taste it.

Why do you torture him like this?

'Cause he's too stuck
in his ways, Gloria.

This is good for him.

He'll taste the pickle,
he'll find that he likes it,

he'll try more things.

This is good parenting.

This is not going
to play well in my memoir.

You know, you're one to talk.

How many times
have I asked you

to try my mother's
blood sausages?

Totally different.
That's disgusting.

How do you know it's disgusting
if you've never tried it?

You've never tried grandma's
delicious blood sausage

that's right there in the freezer?

Oh, you're right.

We do have some left over.

Really? It hasn't been
all gobbled up yet?

Okay, Mr. Father of the Year,

time for you to show Manny
that you're not a hypocrite.

Looks like you're
in quite a conundrum.

You know, you could've said --

"A pickle"!
Dang it! It was right there.

Hello.

Hi. Can I help you?

Uh, yes.

Um, I have something
pretty special

that means the world to me,

yet I gladly part with it to prove
my love for my fiance?

- Cam, you don't have to --
- I do.

This is a belt buckle
that was once owned

by the legendary Wyatt Earp.

And when my grandfather
gave it to me

God rest his soul, he said:
"Son, this here is, um--

- Ok?
- I can't be here for this. You do it.

And get a price
on that divine lamp.

Um, anyway...

Look, I didn't want
to say anything

in front of your fiance?

But this is a cheap replica

given away by
a gas-station chain in the '60s.

There's tons of them out there.

It's worth about 20 bucks.

Are you sure?

Pretty sure.

That family loves
to dress up a story.

And a pig.

Well, how about
a first-edition number 3

"Spiderman vs. Dr. Octopus"
in near-mint condition?

Keep talking.

That...

Uh, uh, that's pretty much it.

Why isn't she calling?

Aren't you the doubter?

She'll call in three...

Two-o-o-o...

One! One's next!

Yeah.

Oh, oh! Shh, shh.
Press record.

Hi, mom.

Haley, honey,

did you mean to send
this text to your dad?

Text? What does it say?

"I hate to spoil your golf game, but..."

Uh, no, no.
I-I didn't send that.

Must have accidentally dictated
when you and dad were talking.

Okay. That's weird.

Well, while I have you
on the phone,

would you mind emptying
the dishwasher and doing --

Oh, you're breaking up.

Haley, can you hear me now?

Nope. Bye.

- Got it.
- Told you we'd get it.

Now just for a little
creative editing...

Your mind is so brilliant.

If you put this much effort
into your schoolwork,

there is no telling
the things you could --

Why do you have
to ruin everything?

I know, she's always
talking about my potential.

Fore!

Do you think I hit her?

Nah, she's fine.

Sorry I'm so distracted today.

What's wrong, buddy?

Let me ask you something.

Do -- do you ever get the sense

that your wife feels like
she could have done better?

God, no. Nah, she's
the luckiest woman on earth.

I mean, if anything,
I could've done better.

The noises that come out
of that woman at night?

It's like she's that black guy
from "Police Academy."

Oh, speak of the devil.

Message from my wife, not
the black guy from "Police Academy."

Oh, that'd be so awesome.

That would be neat.

Hey, it's Claire.

Um, I hate to spoil your golf game,
but... I'm pregnant!

What?

Let's talk as soon as you can.

I have to leave.

What?
We're in the middle of a game.

I have to be with Claire!

Oh -- my clubs!

My hat!

My sandwich!

- Hi
- Hey

I'm sorry I freaked out in there.

How -- how much did we get for it?

You know, here.
I couldn't do it.

- What?
- No.

This belt buckle means
so much to you.

I'm just gonna -- I am going
to sell my comic book instead.

Oh, Mitchell,
that is so sweet. You know --

the idea of me parting ways
with a belt buckle

that my grandfather
arm-wrestled Wyatt Earp for --

He arm-wrestled him?

Oh, yeah, but not
in a contentious way.

You know,
they were friends.

My grandfather saved his life
during a train robbery.

A -- a train robbery?
That's -- wow.

- Cam, wow!
- Yeah.

They had a real bond.

The great Wyatt Earp
and Honest Abe Tucker.

I have it, I'll store it,
and if I need to, I will use it.

You know what? I quit.

Pardon me for trying
to broaden his horizons.

No, no, no.
You're not quitting anything.

You're going to eat your sausage,

and you're going to eat your pickle.

I am tired of every day
cooking two different meals.

No tomatoes.
White meat only. Extra bacon.

He gets extra bacon?
What the hell?

Today is the day you two
are stopping this silliness!

Fine, we'll all conquer
something today.

What do I have to conquer?
I eat everything.

- Pet Stella's belly.
- What?

You won't touch Stella's belly.

Yeah, because it's
the creepiest thing ever.

Has like 30 nipples.

I'll eat the blood sausage,
Manny eats the pickles,

you pet her belly.

I'd rather eat the dog.

Don't be a hypocrite.

Nice and long,
like you mean it.

I want to see that leg shake.

Hey!

- Let me get these!
- What's happening?

- I'm just so happy!
- Really?

- Oh, did you finally get a hole in one?
- A hole in one.

I hope our baby has
your sense of humor.

- Our what?
- Why didn't I see it?

The drug store,
the bloated ankles,

you've been so moody lately...

What are you talking about?

There it is.

Phil, I am not pregnant.

- You're not?
- No.

Well, why'd you leave me
that message?

Didn't leave you a message.

Are you sure? You're very
forgetful when you're pregnant.

I think I would remember!

Then why have you
been so moody?

Maybe because you just
told me I have giant ankles!

Shh, I don't want him
to hear us fight like this.

Give me this.

Okay. This is gonna be
good for everybody,

so let's get it over with.

- Fine.
- Okay.

We'll go on the count of three.

One...

Two...

Three.

- Uh!
- Oh, no!

I'm gonna throw up!

Why so moist, Jay?! Why?!

Is this a bad time?

Sorry to barge in here like this.

I guess it's weird that, uh,
I'm still storing stuff here.

I just wish you would
have come in sooner

before I went
to second base with Stella.

All right, I'll be two minutes.

If you need money
for the wedding,

why sell something that you love?

Why don't you just ask Jay?

No.

Why not?
He's your father.

I don't feel right asking
my dad for money, okay?

I'm an adult,
and I have my comic book.

I hate to spoil your golf game,
but... I'm pregnant!

Let's talk as soon as you can.

Oh, they are good.

I can't believe they pulled
such an elaborate stunt.

I don't know whether
to be angry or impressed.

It's so diabolical.

- I don't know where they get that fr--
- Wait. Wait. Wait.

We could really have
some fun with this.

You know, it's funny,

I never saw you
as a comic-book guy.

Oh, no, I wasn't,
but I don't know.

Spiderman --

He -- he spoke to me.

I -- I think it's because
it's about this nerdy kid

who has this special
secret side of himself

that he can't share
with anybody, and --

and that's how I always felt.

Spiderman made me feel
like it was okay to be different.

And... It made me feel
tough enough to --

to get through the rough times.

Oh, Mitchell, that's so sweet.

I didn't know that.

Are you sure you want to sell it?

Yes, yes.

Because, like Spiderman
I am brave and strong.

Oh! Spider web! Spider web!
Mitchell.

It's in my mouth.

- Oh, Mitchell!
- What?! Oh!

No! No! Oh, no!

Give me a break, Phil!

What do you want from me?!

- Shh!
- I didn't say anything.

A little compassion when
you thought I was pregnant

would have been nice!

I'm sorry.
It was a knee-jerk reaction.

You got that half right!

Well, you're not pregnant,
anyway, so who cares?!

And what did I say
that was so terrible?!

Well, I believe
your exact words were,

"Great, another kid
that we can screw up."

Well, I'm sorry,
but we both know it's true.

Wait, are you saying that we never
should have had them in the first place?

Like you never said that!

This is awful. Is this what
you thought was gonna happen?

I can't think that far ahead.

I never do. You know that.

You should've stopped me!

You said this was
going to be fun!

Nobody is having fun!

Careful?! Please, Phil!

If you hadn't
gotten me pregnant,

I never would have
married you!

I would have married Bobby Nash!

- You would?!
- Oh, yeah!

And right now, I would be
on my 100-acre ranch in Aspen

with my strapping
6'4" hedge-fund husband!

You really wish
you'd married Bobby?

Oh, every single day!

No, Phil.

Dad, are you okay?

Yep.

That's what I am
to everyone around here.

- Mom...
- Just "okay."

- Phil!
- Hey, mom?

Not now. Phil!

You guys hear that?
We totally got them!

Quick!
We need a blow dryer!

Is this some sort
of gay emergency?

No, dad, it's not a gay emergency!
It's my comic book.

We need to -- ohh, God!

It's ruined.

Mitchell, it's okay.

It probably wasn't worth
that much anyway.

It was worth $5,000!
Your belt buckle is garbage.

It came from a gas station!

Your grandfather
never met Wyatt Earp!

I didn't hold on to that
for quite as long as I thought.

Hey, I'm sorry.

I -- I didn't mean
to blurt it out like that.

No, it's -- it's okay.

I -- I kinda suspected
the dates didn't line up.

Now I'm starting to think that
wasn't Amelia Earhart's compass.

I'm so sorry, but I am sure
that Jay can help you two out.

No, no, no, no, no.

We want to do this on our own.

Can I ask you a question?

Why are you having
such a big thing anyway?

Well, because we're only
getting married once.

I'm just saying, why do you need
to make into a spectacle?

A s-- a spectacle?

This could be the universe's
way of telling you

to bring it down a notch.

Invite your family,
your friend Pepper,

and, what's his name,
the -- the -- the flouncy one?

Uh, L'David.

I don't have a flouncy friend
named L'David, dad.

Do -- do you mean
L'Michael or J'Marcus?

I'm not sure who
you're referring to.

Whatever.

I'm just saying keep it small.

Why pay all that money
for people you barely know?

Oh, oh, you mean like
any of your friends?

Oh, please, you don't want
any of my friends there.

Really? Because I've --

I've been asking
for a list for months now.

So, so who doesn't
want them there --

me or you?

Why are you getting upset?

Because, dad, if --
if this was Claire's wedding,

you would be all over it.

You'd be wanting
to have it at your club.

You'd be inviting all your friends.

Oh, please!

I wasn't that thrilled when
Claire got married, either.

"Either"?
For God's sake, just stop talking.

Everybody back off.

I don't think I'm out of line

suggesting my friends
don't want to see

a father-son dance
at a big gay wedding.

There is no father-son dance, dad.

I don't know what
things go on there.

Do I walk you down the aisle?

Does someone throw a bouquet?

I mean, I'm just saying,
I don't know how this stuff plays out

with my guys from the club.

Oh, you mean the guys who
sit around the locker room

watching football naked?

No! No! See, this --
this isn't about them.

This is about you.

You are the one that's
uncomfortable here.

Fine. I admit it. This whole
wedding thing is weird to me.

Now, see, why
do you get to be you,

but I don't get to be me?

See, I didn't choose
to be uncomfortable.

I was born this way.

Are you really
throwing a gay anthem

in our face right now?

Oh, damn it.
Give me some credit.

You know how far I've come.

I mean, what more
do you want from me?

You know what, dad?
Y-you do.

You do get to be you.

If -- if it really makes you
that uncomfortable, then...

Don't come to the wedding.

Mitchell...

No! No, see?
We're scaling back already.

Phil, honey...

What happened down there?

You attacked me.

In a fun way.
We were both doing it.

I heard you this morning,

talking about your super-cute
boyfriend Bobby,

saying that I was
the "comfortable" choice,

that you only married me
because your dad hated it.

No, sweetheart.

I was not talking about you.

I was explaining to the girls

about an outfit that
I was wearing in a picture

that was the comfortable choice
that my dad hated.

Oh, honey.

You can't possibly think
that's why I married you.

Okay, I -- I get it
a-about your dad.

I -- I -- sometimes I do wonder,
you know,

if you hadn't gotten pregnant...

- Would we even be here right now?
- Yeah.

Well, I wonder the same thing, too.

You do?

Yes. All the time.

Just last week,

you and the kids were outside
washing the car,

and you got in that soap battle

and everybody was
running around laughing.

And I stood there
at the kitchen window,

and I was thinking
how lucky I am.

'Cause I would have
missed all of this

if I hadn't married you.

I knew you were watching.
That's why I dropped the sponge.

That's what got my attention
in the first place.

You really don't regret
not marrying Bobby Nash?

No.

He was cute,
but he was boring.

He never once
made me laugh.

You laugh at me all the time.

I do.

I liked how happy you were when
you thought I was pregnant.

Of course I was.

Do you think you could
pick that up for me?

I don't know.

It's so far down here.

Schwing!

See? I told you
they were gonna be fine.

- Door lock!
- Run!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Hey, Phil, it's Mitchell,
Claire's brother.

I heard about your and Claire's
whole pregnancy situation,

and I'm -- I'm sorry my dad
didn't have a better reaction.

Don't take it personally.

He's just like that.

He'll -- he'll come around.

And if not...

Well...

his loss.

Yeah, okay, anyway, uh,
now that we're gonna be family,

it's -- it's probably
a little weird for me

to date your cousin,

so maybe you could ask her
to stop paging me?

Wow, it's so crazy.

I know.
Uncle Mitchell with a pager.

No, Stella.
Okay? No!

Stella, I said no.

You...

Okay, but just this time, okay?

And you keep
your mouth shut about this.

Who's there?

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