Original subtitles

Get ready to match the stars -

jerry ferrara...

Constance zimmer...

Chris sullivan...

Caroline rhea...

Ross mathews...

And dascha polanco --

as we play our special star-studded

58th episode celebration of "match game."

and here's the host of "match game" for 58 episods

and counting, alec baldwin!

[ cheers and applause ]

♪

[ noisemakers blowing ]

thank you. I'm your host, alec baldwin, and welcome to our

58th episode extravaganza!

[ cheers and applause ]

that's right. It's our great 58th.

And tonight's celebration is being broadcast across

all 58 states...

[ laughter ]

...And being watched by all 58 of our viewers

across america.

Our lovely new york skyline ladies have a special gift

for our panelists... Oh.

...That I'm sure that you'll all cherish for the next 58 minutes.

[ laughter ]

the ladies -- don't the ladies look amazing?

[ cheers and applause ] oh, thank you.

-I've never worn a sash. -Thank you so much.

-How do you put it on? -Aah!

-Thank you so much. -We were going to have someone

dressed as the new york city subway,

but she broke down in queens.

[ laughter, applause ]

happy 58th, everybody. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much.

[ cheers and applause ]

let's say hello to our celebrities.

Caroline rhea is here!

[ cheers and applause ]

no!

[ noisemaker blows ]

oh.

I got you a little gift.

It's kind of a wand, and it's kind of a microphone.

It has my picture on it. I love it.

I love it.

Wow! [ laughs ]

I'm gonna use both mics today.

Ross mathews is here! Hi!

[ cheers and applause ]

hi, everybody.

Mwah. You know, alec,

I've actually used two mics at once, too.

[ laughter ]

yes, ross! Yes!

You're a judge on "rupaul's drag race."

mm-hmm. Yes, I am. Yes, let's hear it.

[ cheers and applause ]

what should we do if a cat fight breaks out

among these drama queens?

Uh, jerry, caroline -- lip sync for their lives

right here, right now.

That's what we do. Fantastic.

The lovely dascha polanco is here.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ noisemakers blow ]

dascha, so happy to have you

on our 58th episode extravaganza.

I found out that, before acting, you were studying nursing.

Yes. Can I rely on you

to give me cpr at any time during the show?

Standing or on the floor?

Oh! Constance: Oh!

Hey!

Let's party on and meet tonight's players.

I want to have a party just so you can be the life of it.

[ cheers and applause ]

julie and john.

I can't believe it!

Hi!

Awesome!

John, what do you do for work?

Alec, I retired from

the new york city fire department.

I did 21 years in the fire department.

[ cheers and applause ]

thank you.

[ new york accent ] fantastic. Yeah.

And my main job now is I watch my grandson,

who lives right up the block.

And every day I see him, I'm so blessed.

I always say, "I can't believe it!"

'cause he's the best thing that ever happened to me.

[ normal voice ] fantastic. That's fantastic.

Oh, my god. That's so sweet.

Now, which requires more fortitude --

scaling a burning building or chasing after a 3-year-old?

Stop. I already know the answer.

Yes, you do. Yes, you do.

Julie, tell me about yourself.

I come from a big family. My dad is one of eight.

And when my grandparents -- when they were done

raising all of those kids,

they actually moved to a nudist colony.

So going to visit them was like a crazy safari.

And, you know, the men would be in

football jerseys and no pants,

and the women would be in just shawls.

And, yeah, it was pretty awesome.

Walking around in a football jersey

with no pants on -- I call that Thursday, julie.

[ laughter ]

now let's play the 58th episode of "match game."

let's do it! [ cheers and applause ]

each of you...

Do you want me to hold my wand?

No, you hold my wand.

Each of you will get two questions to try

to match as many of our six stars as possible.

Whoever matches more goes on to play super match,

for a chance to win more than $25,000.

[ cheers and applause ]

julie, we'll start with you. Do you want question a or b?

Let's go with b.

B. Okay.

Solid choice.

This is a monitor match.

There's a new lingerie store

for women with three boobs called ménage à bra.

-Wow. Wow. -Wow.

Even women with two boobs love the three-cup bras

because it gives them a place to keep their blank.

Ooh.

There's a new lingerie store for women

with three boobs called ménage à bra.

Exhibit a over here.

Even women with two boobs love the three-cup bras

because it gives them a place to keep their blank.

Thanks for addressing me.

No. I -- no.

Even women with two boobs.

Even. Even.

Who's in? Everybody's in.

[ cheers and applause ] alright.

There's a new lingerie store for women with three boobs

called ménage à bra.

Even women with two boobs love the three-cup bras

because it gives them a place to keep their...

Makeup.

Makeup. Makeup.

Makeup.

Jerry?

What's going in that third cup, jerry?

[ laughter ] well...

I thought it would be a really good moment for

social media if you had three boobs, so the phone.

The phone. Put your phone in there.

Oh, alright. Yeah.

-The phone. -Post the selfies.

Constance.

I, too, felt like this is something

that a three-boobed girl cannot be without.

A phone. Phone. Yeah, a phone.

[ buzzer ]

chris.

You know, at first, I thought, depending on,

uh, biological size,

that it'd be a good place for a sack lunch.

A sack lunch? But...

But what I said was cellphone.

[ buzzer ] phone.

I didn't think of that.

Caroline rhea.

I have up to six boobs depending on the bra.

[ laughter ] and...

But I said phone.

Phone. Phone.

-I didn't think of it. -Phone. Phone. Phone.

We're looking for makeup, ross.

You got a three-cup bra.

What are you putting in that third cup, ross?

I mean, I'm not exactly a boob man,

so I don't...

[ laughter ] I don't know.

I said keys.

Keys. Keys. Sorry. Keys.

Dascha, what are you putting in your third bra cup?

What we all want to put in there.

Cash.

Cash. Hello!

Cash. [ buzzer ]

that's actually really smart.

That's zero for you, julie. I'm very sorry.

Alright, john, it's your turn.

Thank you.

This is also a monitor match.

Move over, "breakfast at tiffany's."

there's a new romantic comedy called "breakfast at timothy's."

[ laughter ]

the lead character doesn't just find true love.

He also finds blank at the bottom of the bathtub.

[ audience "ohh"s ]

move over, "breakfast at tiffany's."

there's a new romantic comedy called "breakfast at timothy's."

the lead character, who I assume is

this idiotic-looking fellow over here,

just doesn't find true love.

He also finds blank at the bottom of the tub.

And who's in? Who's not in?

Jerry's in. Constance.

Oh, it's just --

what's always at the bottom of the tub, constance?

Come on.

I mean, at my house?

Yeah, here we go. Ready? Everybody's in?

Okay, great. Now, john, move over, "breakfast at tiffany's."

there's a new romantic comedy called "breakfast at timothy's."

the lead character doesn't just find true love.

He also finds blank at the bottom of the tub.

Well, looking at that picture, I'm going with milk.

Milk? Yes, sir.

Milk. Milk.

I was gonna say a third boob.

[ laughter ]

what's at the bottom of the tub, jerry?

[ sighs ] that's a good answer.

I went with marshmallows. Marshmallows.

Your answer's way better, by the way.

We're looking for milk. We're looking for milk.

Constance.

I mean, this could turn into milk,

but it's poop.

Poop. Ooh.

[ buzzer ] poop?!

How could that turn into milk?

Chocolate milk!

It could become. [ gags ]

-chris. -Yeah, the only reason to eat

those cereals is to get to the sweet, sweet cereal milk.

Milk! Wow!

Finally!

Alec: John.

[ new york accent ] that was [slide whistle] fantastic, john.

[ laughter ]

do you have milk, caroline?

I have a lovely toy surprise,

which is in a bowl of cereal.

[ normal voice ] a toy surprise?

[ buzzer ] okay.

Ross. I don't like this picture.

This guy looks like a serial killer.

[ laughter ]

-oh, no! -Stop!

That was good. That was good.

-Very dark! -Wow.

I couldn't even get it out.

Milk, of course.

I was thinking about the prize

at the bottom of the cereal box.

The prize. The prize, yeah.

We ate cereal. Yeah.

Yeah. What do you got?

I'm gonna show you what I got.

-Oh. -The prize.

Yeah, but guess what?

This is what happens when you copy.

This was my first answer!

[ audience "aw"s ] that was your first answer.

Alec: Alright. John, you have 1.

Julie, you have none.

We have to pause our 58th episode celebration

for something even more important.

It could be pretty much anything.

We'll be right back.

I totally would have had prize. I put prize, too.

At first, I said milk because obviously he was eating.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

[ noisemaker blows ]

welcome back.

[ noisemaker blows ]

audience, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 58.

What is it?

All: 58!

God, you're good.

It's our 58th episode celebration of "match game."

[ cheers and applause ] yes!

Because, hey, you always remember your 58th,

you know what I'm saying?

Let's have a quick note about our melting ice sculpture.

[ laughter ] yeah.

-It's so cool. -It's really cold back here.

Now, john, I'm told we got a zoom call.

The producers tell me we have someone who wants

to say hi to you.

Me?

All: Aww!

I can't believe it!

Hello. Say hi!

Hi, buddy! Say "hi, grandpa!"

ooh, daddy's got a nice shirt on you for a change.

[ laughter ]

he's not really that excited to see grandpa.

He's more excited to see the voice of boss baby.

[ laughter, applause ]

give him some boss baby.

What about grandpap? Forget about boss baby.

What about grandpap?

Can you see grandpa? Can you see him?

Can you wave?

Eh, he's done.

He doesn't give a [slide whistle]

okay, here we go.

[ laughter ]

take it easy, buddy. Thank you.

Awesome. Thank you.

[ cheers and applause ]

john, you're ahead by a score of 1 to 0.

I'm killing it.

[ laughter ]

you're killing it! [ laughs ]

you get to go first, 'cause in round 1, you matched with chris.

So for this question, you can match with everybody else.

Would you like question a or b?

I would love b.

B.

Alright, here we go.

There's a new catholic temp agency called

nun of your business.

[ laughter ] funny.

The sisters will fill in for any sinners that blow off work.

Just don't make it a "habit."

[ laughter ]

or they'll see you in blank.

There's a new catholic temp agency

called nun of your business.

The sisters will fill in for any sinners that blow off work.

Just don't make it a habit, or they'll see you in blank.

It's a temp agency, you see?

You see? Waiting on dascha.

Oh, you're waiting for me?

Sort of.

[ applause ]

I feel like this is...

Okay, here we go.

John... Yes, sir.

...Dazzle me, baby.

Dazzle me. I'm trying.

There's a new catholic temp agency called

nun of your business.

The sisters will fill in for any sinners that blow off work.

Just don't make it a habit, or they'll see you in...

Hell.

Hell.

[ cheers and applause ]

wow.

I thought of that, but it ended up

the sisters are going to hell.

-Yeah. -I don't like that thought.

Like, you're in hell, and you're like, "whoa. Sister."

[ laughter ]

oh.

Come on, jerry.

The sisters will fill in for any sinners that blow off work.

Just don't make it a habit, or they'll see you in...

Jerry?

I mean, after seeing your adorable grandson,

I felt a lot of pressure to match with you...

Hell! ...So I said hell.

[ cheers and applause ]

only on "match game" are the nuns going to hell.

Constance.

I mean, it felt really dark,

but I come from a dark place.

So I said hell. Hell!

[ cheers and applause ] yes!

[ new york accent ] forget about it, john.

John: Forget about it, alec.

[ normal voice ] caroline?

Hell. Hell!

-Yes! -Ross.

I said hell! Hell!

[ cheers and applause ]

dascha!

I grew up, and I thought it was confession.

Yeah, but, okay.

But you said hell!

[ cheers and applause ]

john! John!

Julie, john, beyond my wildest imagination,

has 6, and you have nothing. No.

In round 1, you matched with no one.

-Come on, julie! -Go, julie!

-Come on, guys! -Go, julie!

Julie! Julie!

Literal larry is so literal...

All: How literal is he?!

...When he heard you should always keep a jack in your car,

he stuffed jack blank in his trunk.

[ laughter ] oh, my god.

Literal larry is so literal,

when he heard you should always keep a jack in your car,

he stuffed jack blank in his trunk. I know...

I like this question. I like this a lot.

I get it. Chris gets it.

I get the joke. He gets it.

Aw, you're waiting for me again?!

[slide whistle]

dascha, we can wait for you forever, babe.

Thank you.

I'm worth the wait. Ross.

I never will say this to you, ross, but put it in.

[ laughter ]

everybody's in. Everybody's in.

[ cheers and applause ]

oh, julie, julie, julie.

It's like being at the top

of a black diamond ski run right now, isn't it?

Yeah, it's not exciting. You got to go all the way

to the bottom and not fall down once.

[ laughter ]

literal larry is so literal that when he heard you should always

keep a jack in your car,

he stuffed jack blank in his trunk.

Jack black in his trunk.

Jack black in his trunk.

[ cheers and applause ]

jack black.

Do you have a jack black in your trunk, jerry?

Stuffed in there, duct-taped and squealing?

You have to match all of them.

You're gonna have to match all of us,

but you're off to a good start!

Jack black!

You got one! I know!

Constance.

I would prefer jack daniel's in my trunk,

but I said jack black.

Black!

[ cheers and applause ]

chris. Chris. Chris. Chris.

I can hear him back there, oof.

[ vocalizing ]

jack black! Jack black!

[ cheers and applause ]

constance: Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

Caroline!

Now, everybody on the top row said black.

And what did all you geniuses on the bottom row have?

[ laughter ]

caroline rhea. Come on, caroline.

She needs an iron lung for her grandmother.

Oh, god!

[ laughter ]

julie...

I said jack daniel's. Daniel's.

[ buzzer ] [ audience "aw"s ]

congratulations, john.

You're our champion!

[ cheers and applause ]

julie, good effort.

We didn't have it, either.

You only lost by 58 iq points.

Bye, julie. Bye, julie!

Now our special 58th episode super match is next.

If john was answering that question, jack in the box.

He doesn't know who jack black is at all.

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ noisemakers blowing ]

whoo-hoo!

[ noisemaker blows ]

welcome back to our 58th episode spectacular.

It's amazing.

People are celebrating around the world.

Let's see what's happening in times square.

Yay!

[ cheers and applause ] oh!

-Wow. -Let's go to tokyo.

Ooh!

-Oh, wow! -Wow!

[ noisemaker blows ]

and australia!

Yeah -- oh!

[ cheers and applause ]

well, everybody celebrates in their own way.

It's time for super match.

John, you will have a shot at winning

58 jell-o shots or more than $25,000.

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo-whoo-whoo-whoo!

What are you gonna do with that kind of money, john?

Ooh, let me guess.

I have three kids, but I'm gonna put it in

my grandson's college fund.

[ cheers and applause ]

my kids are out.

[slide whistle] you, kids.

It's a generation-skipping trust, they call that, john.

Yes. Yes.

Okay, we're going to start with an audience match.

We recently polled the "match game" home audience

and got their most popular responses to this...

Blank blank.

[ laughter ]

it's like the writers were in the room,

and they were going [inhales]

"what about blank blank?"

[ laughter ] whoa.

Whoa.

If you can guess the third most popular answer,

you're gonna win $2,058.

[ cheers and applause ]

the second most popular answer gets you $3,058.

And the most popular answer gets you $5,058.

[ cheers and applause ]

to help you with suggestions,

you can enlist the aid of three of our celebrities.

John, who do you want?

Dascha. Dascha.

"orange is the new black."

I love it. Love it.

Good work. You did good work on there.

Thank you. Dascha, blank blank.

Space.

Blank space. Yes.

Blank space. Who's next?

Since chris got my first match...

Chris: That's right. ...We'll go with chris.

That's right. How about a blank check?

Blank check.

That's good, chris.

Now your third choice, john.

John: I'm gonna go with jerry

because he just looks so concentrated up there.

I think he's got a beautiful answer. Yeah.

Blank page. Blank page.

-Wow. -Blank page.

Okay. You have blank space, check, page.

You can choose one of their three answers

or give us one of your own, john.

What answer do you want to go with?

Well, I got nothing.

So I'm going with blank check.

-Blank check. -Yes.

[ cheers and applause ]

-alright. Alright. -Let's see how you've done.

The third most popular answer is...

Slate.

Oh, my god, I was gonna say that!

The $3,058 answer is...

Space. I'm on there!

-Come on, baby. -We got it, johnny boy!

And the $5,058 answer is -- we're looking for blank check.

Yes, we are.

[ groans ]

[ cheers and applause ]

yes! Yes!

Yes! We did it!

There you go!

I can't believe it!

I can't believe it! He can't believe it!

-Way to go, buddy! -Whoo!

I got to hug you. I got to hug you.

Ooh!

That's how we do it. We get on that board.

-Sorry. -John, leave yourself

somewhere to go in the hugging department.

[ laughter ]

you can't blow it all now, baby.

Let's hold on. You just won $5,058,

but now you have a chance to multiply that by five

with our celebrity head-to-head match.

If you can match one celebrity exactly,

you're gonna win $25,290.

[ cheers and applause ]

chris: Here we go.

[ laughter ]

which one of our six celebrities

would you like to try to match, john?

Head-to-head. I got to go with the big guy.

Chris! I got to go with chris!

Alright, john.

[ cheers and applause ]

dascha: Go, chris. I'm in your head, buddy.

To win $25,290, you must match chris exactly.

If you're ready, turn and face me, john,

and no help from the audience, please.

Chris, write down your answer to this.

Birthday blank. Oh.

Birthday blank.

They're all huddling.

They love you, john.

They want to give it their best.

Except constance, who's rather lazy this episode.

[ laughter ]

I like to be different.

She's like...

-Oh, boy. -Yeah.

-Okay. -If you get it wrong,

you're on your own.

[ laughter ]

chris is ready. John, what is your answer?

Birthday cake. Birthday cake.

Birthday cake.

Okay. Chris, for $25,290, what's your answer?

Yeah, birthday cake is a great answer.

Ugh. Ugh.

You would definitely have that...

At a birthday party. Party.

[ buzzer ] [ audience "aw"s ]

I'm sorry you didn't make the match, john,

but you still won $5,058.

We're halfway through our 58th episode.

You know what they say --

once you go 58, you never go back.

Trust me.

Stick around.

Thank you, brother. Anytime, man.

Your grandson's awesome.

We were split. I'm sorry.

I was either birthday cake or birthday candles.

So I would've -- yeah.

I would've been off anyway.

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

welcome back to our 58th episode celebration.

58 episodes now.

I don't want to pat myself on the back,

because I tried it once and I tore my rotator cuff.

[ laughter ]

earlier, somebody asked me why the 58th episode.

Because the 57th would be too damn predictable.

[ laughter ]

hey, party people. How's it going?

[ cheers and applause ] jerry ferrara is here.

Jerry! Hey, jerry!

Jerry, thank you for coming.

Not only are you celebrating our 58th episode,

but we found out that you're celebrating becoming a new dad.

Yes. A new dad.

Ross: Yes!

How many children does that make for you?

That's the first. One.

Okay. [ audience "aww"s ]

amateur. Um...

Constance zimmer is here!

[ cheers and applause ] hey!

Whatever. I cheer for myself.

It's embarrassing.

You got to start somewhere.

You've been part of the "match game" family

since the beginning.

How has knowing me changed your life?

[ laughter ]

I don't think I sleep as well at night.

[ laughter ]

from "this is us," it's chris sullivan.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ noisemaker blows ]

"this is us" and "match game" are so much alike

because I can't get through either show

without crying in the fetal position.

[ laughter ]

now, are you ready to talk me off the ledge if I need it?

Listen, I will be your emotional support animal.

Thank you. Thank you.

By the way, really, congratulations.

The show is fantastic. Thank you so much.

Fantastic. Congratulations.

That's amazing.

Let's keep this party going and meet tonight's players.

[ cheers and applause ]

nikkie and mark.

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Alec: Mark, what do you do for work?

I work all day at a computer store

and help people in crisis.

So if they drop their phone or they lost their term paper,

I'm there to help save the day.

Wow.

-Yes! -That's good. That's good.

I also help people in times of crisis.

These celebrities almost went a whole day

without getting any attention.

[ laughter ]

nikkie, tell me about yourself.

So, believe it or not, I used to weigh 500 pounds.

So, I found out I was allergic to everything under the sun.

I started cooking healthier.

I became a gluten-free baker, and I lost 200 pounds.

[ cheers and applause ] wow.

Go, nikkie!

Whoo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

[ laughter ]

nikkie! [ noisemaker blows ]

we're very proud of you, nikkie.

Not as proud as celebrating our 58th episode,

but we're like medium proud of you.

Okay, let's play "match game."

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Jerry: We're gonna win it!

Nikkie, we're gonna start with you.

Do you want question a or question b?

I want b.

You want b? Yes.

-Let's go. -Alright.

Ross mathews is so happy...

Ross: Oh, god. All: How happy is he?!

...He even keeps a smile on his face when he's getting a blank.

[ audience "ohh"s ]

we're gonna keep it clean today, aren't we, boys and girls?

Yes. I'm gonna keep it clean.

Ross mathews is so happy,

he even keeps a smile on his face

when he's getting a blank.

You see? Get it? Blank.

Okay, um...

Getting, not giving.

[ laughter ]

getting? We need clarification.

-Yeah. -What she meant.

We worked so hard.

But some people, they just never learn.

I'd like to file an official complaint.

He keeps a smile on his face when he's getting a blank.

-Okay. I did hear it, okay. -There you go.

Everybody's in, caroline, except you.

Dascha: We got this.

-Okay, here we go. -Oh.

Ross mathews is so happy, nikkie, he even keeps a smile

on his face when he's getting a blank.

A colonic.

A colonic.

A colonic. Good answer.

Thank you. It's not wrong.

It's not wrong.

[ laughter ]

they can be very healthy!

Me, I'm giggling the whole way through my colonic.

I'm like [squeals]

I love it.

Jerry...

Ross, he's smiling all the way through the what?

I went with root canal.

You got it, baby. Root canal.

[ buzzer ] root canal.

We'll get there, though. We're gonna get there.

That's all right. We will.

Colonic is like an ice cream cone compared to a root canal.

True.

Constance zimmer.

I...Should've said colonic,

because I-I knew how to spell that.

Yeah. But instead, I went for

the more difficult choice, which was colonoscopy.

Colonoscopy.

[ buzzer ] it's not the same thing!

[ audience "aw"s ]

-it is the same thing! -It's the same thing!

Alec: No, wait. No, no, no, no, no.

Let me just say this.

A colonoscopy, by the way, is an examination where they put

a probe up your butt.

[ laughter ]

and a colonic is kind of a medicinal thing where they,

like, squeeze some herbs up your butt.

[ laughter ]

chris, you and I know that.

A little bit of coffee. Yeah, a little bit of coffee.

Yeah.

Um, I didn't hear the "a" at the end of the question,

so I said ross is even happy when he's getting...

Arrested.

Arrested.

[ buzzer ] I like that.

I like that. That's a good answer.

Caroline, you pain in the ass, rhea.

[ laughter ]

my full christian name.

I wish this was a piña colonic.

Okay. I, uh...

[ laughter ]

alec: Has a smile on his face when he's getting a...

I said root canal, 'cause I thought it was

a really good answer. Root canal.

[ buzzer ] that's okay.

That's a good answer.

Ross, you're giggling,

and you're just tittering your way through what?

Well, I tried to think of, like, the worst thing

that could happen to me is a bad haircut.

But I didn't write that down because

I wanted her to get a point.

So I said operation.

An operation. Operation.

An operation.

[ buzzer ] operation.

It's okay. Yeah.

And you spelled it in hebrew, I see.

No, that's my --

you are talented and charming,

and your handwriting is dreadful.

I understand. I understand. That's something I do.

Next question, it'll improve.

Dascha. We're looking for colonic.

And I did not say colonic.

I said a wrinkled suit. A wrinkled suit.

[ buzzer ] okay. Okay.

I wouldn't be happy with that.

-It's okay. -So, nikkie,

you've got no matches, dear.

As it should be, nikkie.

And now, mark, it's your turn.

Six flags has a new ride called the emotional roller coaster.

There are ups, there are downs,

and at the end, instead of a photo, you get a blank.

[ audience "ohh"s ] oh.

It's a very complex question.

Seriously, everybody, hurry up.

[ laughter ]

six flags has a new ride called the emotional roller coaster.

There are ups, there are downs,

and at the end, instead of a photo, you get a...

♪

are you thinking, mark?

You're a crisis manager.

[ laughter ]

I can see you on your headset.

You're like, "so you dropped your phone? In the toilet?

Okay, is there anything else in the toilet?"

[ laughter ]

constance.

I'm gonna...

Constance is in. Okay, great.

Mark, six flags has a new ride

called the emotional roller coaster.

There are ups, there are downs,

and at the end, instead of a photo, you get a...

Break-up.

A break-up. A break-up. Okay.

Yeah.

I bet nikkie loved that answer.

[ laughter ]

a very millennial answer, I might add.

All about love and you and me.

This could kind of follow, I guess, the break-up,

is a xanax.

A xanax. Yes.

[ buzzer ] yes.

Xanax. Sorry.

We'll get there. Constance.

Yes, I went for this.

A cocktail.

A cocktail. Yeah, a cocktail.

[ buzzer ]

caroline: That's pretty good. Relax you.

It's all in the delivery, alex.

My name is alec.

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Chris.

I don't know how to spell it, but I think I've done it.

You want one of these. You want a...

Xanax. Xanax.

[ buzzer ] xanax. Yeah.

Constance: That's the generic.

You spelled it wrong, but you're on a hit show, so who cares?

[ laughter ]

caroline.

First of all, you're adorable and you're stylish.

Focus on the positive.

[ laughter ]

a hug. Alec: A hug.

That seems like... Wow.

-That's so sweet. -That's lovely.

-Aww! -Ross.

With impeccable penmanship, wrote sedative.

Yes. Yes. Yes. How's that?

Yes. Yes.

[ audience "aw"s ] yes?

"impeccable" is not the word that comes to mind.

Give that back to me.

[ laughter ]

dascha.

And... A drink, she said.

A drink.

[ buzzer ] aw. Okay.

Nikkie, you have nothing. Mark, you have nothing.

We have to take a break. I don't know about you,

but grandpa needs to conserve his 58th episode energy.

We'll be right back.

[ cheers and applause ]

that was a good round. That was good.

Except for constance, that was a good round.

[ noisemakers blowing ]

constance: It was part of the joke!

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

whoo-hoo!

Welcome back to our "match game" 58th episode extravaganza.

Do you know what that means?

That's eight more shows than 50.

All: [ chanting ] 58! 58! 58!

[ noisemaker blows ] alec: Okay.

It's an exciting nail-biter at 0-0.

[ cheers and applause ]

it's anyone's game.

We have two intense geniuses who are just tearing it up here.

[ laughter ]

mark, you get to go first.

In round 1, you matched with no one, so for this question,

you can match with everybody.

-Yes! -Yeah! Come on!

A or b, mark?

I'm gonna go with a.

A. You're gonna go with a.

[ cheers and applause ]

did you hear?

The burger king and the dairy queen

got married in a white castle.

They said their honeymoon night was just like their food --

hot, fast, and blank.

[ audience "ohh"s ]

did you hear?

The burger king and the dairy queen

got married in a white castle.

They said their honeymoon night was just like their food --

hot, fast, and blank.

[ laughter ]

trepidation.

Geez louise.

Who's in?

Top row, nobody's in. Ross is in.

In.

Aah. Chris is in.

Constance?

Okay, here we go.

Did you hear that the burger king

and dairy queen got married in a white castle?

They said their honeymoon night was just like their food --

hot, fast, and blank.

Fatty.

Fatty?

Fatty. Fatty.

Fatty!

[ laughter ]

okay. Jerry...

When was the last time you had fatty sex, jerry?

[ laughter ]

I mean, yeah, sure.

Can I just say my answer and we just...?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just go.

I really thought we were gonna break the tie,

but, unfortunately, I went with tasty.

Tasty. Tasty. Mark: Ah.

Tasty.

Constance.

Yes. I also went for tasty.

Tasty. Tasty.

Tasty.

Fast food is tasty.

Yeah, I know they got married,

but not everyone wants to start a family right away.

So I said they, uh, bagged it up.

[ laughter ]

no?

[ buzzer ]

[ cheers and applause ]

it's about responsibility!

You have to bag it up, yeah. Alec: Caroline.

If you ask me when the last time I had fatty sex was,

I'll kill you.

I -- no. [ laughter ]

with my hands.

Okay?

Saucy.

Saucy. It was saucy sex.

Saucy.

[ buzzer ] like a burger.

-Ross. -I actually have had

fatty sex... Me too!

...And it's not that bad.

Don't knock it till you've tried it.

But I didn't write that down.

I said delicious.

Delicious, yeah. Delicious.

Yeah.

Dascha.

I went with...

Tasty. Tasty.

Constance: Oh, see?

[ buzzer ]

it's tasty!

Alright, nikkie.

Yes. The score is 0-0, okay?

You need just one to win... Come on. Let's do this!

...For a chance at $25,000.

[ cheers and applause ]

let's go, team! Let's go, team!

[ cheers and applause ]

in round 1, you also matched with no one.

So for this question, you can match with everyone.

It's time for your second question.

Back in the day, I starred on the soap opera "knots landing."

now that I'm married and a father of many,

they gave me a new show called "not blanking."

[ audience "ohh"s ]

"not blanking."

before you were even born, I was on tv.

Okay.

On "knots landing."

and now that I'm married and I'm a father of many,

they gave me a new show called "not blanking."

jerry, chris -- he's in.

Ross.

Locked. Loaded. He's in.

Dascha.

I'm almost there.

That's what she said.

[ laughter ]

constance.

Do I want to be different,

or do I want to be the same?

Just let it rip.

I'm in.

I feel bad for mark.

I'm gonna put my phone in my water, just to make him...

[ laughter ]

[ cheers and applause ]

back in the day, I starred on the soap opera "knots landing."

now that I'm married and a father of many --

and I do mean many --

they gave me a new show called "not blanking."

sleeping.

Not sleeping.

Yes!

My god! Good answer.

We might have one.

Good answer. Dascha: Yes!

Now, mark, if these panelists are as bad at this as you are...

[ laughter ]

...We may still have a tie game.

Jerry, you just had a baby.

You know what I'm talking about, baby.

I do. Uh... [ groans ]

there's so many ways you could kind of go with this answer,

but I went with the one that's affecting me the most.

Not sleeping! Sleeping!

The tie is broken! Congratulations, nikkie.

You're our champion.

Mark, you weren't our number-one player tonight...

Or even our 58th.

Our special 58th episode super match is next.

[ cheers and applause ]

nikkie: Yeah!

[ noisemakers blowing ]

whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Well done! Well done!

Whoo! Okay!

[ noisemakers blowing ]

[ cheers and applause ]

welcome back to our 58th episode spectacular,

and we couldn't be more excited.

[ cheers and applause ]

it's time for super match.

[ cheers and applause ]

alright!

Nikkie, you're gonna celebrate 58 ways till Sunday,

because you have a shot at winning over $25,000.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

what are you gonna do with all that money?

Since I lost those 200 pounds, baby,

I'm gonna stick all of this in a new wardrobe.

Yes, indeed.

-Yes! Yes! Yes! -I love it.

-Great. -Love it.

We're gonna start with an audience match.

We recently polled the "match game" home audience

and got their most popular responses to this...

Screw blank.

Screw blank. [ laughs ]

if you can guess the third most popular answer,

you're gonna win $2,058.

[ cheers and applause ]

the second most popular answer gets you $3,058.

And the most popular answer gets you $5,058.

[ cheers and applause ]

to help with suggestions,

you can enlist the aid of three of our celebrities.

And who do you want?

So, I want ross, because I've been watching him,

and he is, like, awesome.

Love you! Mwah.

-Oh, my gosh. -Thank you, baby.

I'm gonna say screwdriver.

Screwdriver. Okay. Who's next?

Miss caroline.

Oh, I wish it was an easier question.

A screwball. Like a screwball comedy.

Screwball. Yeah.

And who's your third choice?

Constance!

Aah!

Um, how about screw you?

Screw you.

[ cheers and applause ]

screw you.

Oh, snap.

Okay, you've had driver, ball, you.

You can choose one of their three answers

or give us one of your own.

What answer do you want to go with?

I'm gonna go with driver.

Screwdriver.

That is the one!

Let's see how you've done.

For $2,058, the third most popular answer is...

You.

-Wow. -I'm on the board.

I'm on the board. The $3,058 answer is...

Up.

Screw up.

Didn't think of that.

We're looking for driver.

-You got it. Come on. -Hold my hands. Hold my hands.

This is your last chance to match.

The $5,058 answer is...

[ cheers and applause ]

we got this!

[ noisemakers blow ]

you've won $5,058. Whoo!

[ cheers and applause ]

but now you have the chance to multiply that

by five with our celebrity head-to-head match.

If you can match one celebrity exactly, you'll win $25,290.

[ cheers and applause ]

which one of our six celebrities would you like to go with?

My fabulous ross.

Over the pressure, baby.

Ross. We have a connection.

Yes. Okay.

We both fabulous, honey. Yes.

Well, you do -- she makes a good point.

She does make a good point. Yes. I agree.

To win $25,290, you must match ross exactly.

If you're ready, turn and face me, nikkie.

And no help from the audience, please.

Ross, write down your answer to this.

Blank reunion.

[ audience "ooh"s ] blank reunion.

Ross isn't even waiting for the other celebrities to come and counsel him.

-Ross. -It's not the second one

you're thinking, it's the first one.

Hold on. I'm gonna write two, and then --

and then we're gonna have a collected vote.

-Two -I say this one.

What do you think? That's a tough call.

Okay, this is our show.

No pressure. $25,000.

She's trusting you, ross.

It's okay.

Are you in, ross?

If I had a nickel...

Okay?

I wouldn't have any nickels.

[ laughter ]

[ ding ]

wow.

Okay, ross is ready.

Nikkie, what is your answer?

Family reunion.

Family reunion.

Family reunion. Yes, sir.

Okay, turn and face ross.

For $25,290, ross, what's your answer?

I had two possible answers.

-It's okay. -High school or family.

And I had to choose.

[ sighs ]

I chose family!

[ cheers and applause ]

yeah!

[ dinging ]

yes! Oh, my god!

Congratulations.

You just won $25,290.

Thanks to our celebrities.

Thanks for watching.

That's it for the 58th episode special.

Join us in 63 more episodes for our 121st episode.

Good night.

[ cheers and applause ]

[ all speaking indistinctly ]

alec: Congratulations.

-Thank you so much. -Congratulations.

Thank you. I love you.

You did good. Congratulations.

-Thank you. -Aah!

That, please.

A new wardrobe for you, baby.

Thank you.

Constance: You did it, ross. You did it.

Caroline: Oh, my god! What are you gonna do?!

I'm getting a wardrobe. I'm gonna travel.

I'm gonna just enjoy my life.

I was like, "go, nikkie!"

[ cheers and applause ]