Original subtitles

(cool jazz music)

MARK: John Hunchman and David Purefoy.

How you boys been?

Man, oh, man, look at you guys.

Hunchman, you still got

that backpack with pink stripes?

You know, the one from the eighth grade?

‐Uh‐huh. ‐Remember that one?

As I've told you before, no, I do not.

(laughs)

We used to kill him over that backpack, huh, Dave?

‐(chuckles) ‐Right?

Damn, pink stripes, you kidding me?

‐On a backpack? ‐Yeah.

Those pink stripes were pretty bad.

Hey, what's new with you, Pure‐if?

‐What's up? ‐You know, I'm chilling.

I got a cool thing going with a lady.

Oh, prithee do tell, young lad.

Ugh, prithee no thank you.

Casual, hot, don't have to spend money on her.

‐Don't have to spend the night. ‐Real chivalrous, David.

And she's a total freak too.

She had me take one of those big, blue ceramic dogs‐‐

‐Hey, old man. ‐Uh‐‐

No one wants to hear about your sex life

with your droopy balls.

Wait, who are you again?

I'm Lance, and don't you forget the name.

It's Lance.

Uh, Lance is my client. He's the reason y'all are here.

I pay y'all by the hour, right?

So stop wasting my time with this bullshit

about pink backpacks and whatever skank

this old‐ass loser's hooking up with.

Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, she's not a skank.

Uh, she's with you, right? So she's a skank.

Okay, okay, settle down, Lance. Just relax.

Uh, look, Lance, why don't you explain your situation

to our colleagues.

Pay attention.

Me and my mom live alone. Someone's harassing us.

It happens at night.

(wood crashes)

Furniture crashing.

(floor creaking)

Creaky floor.

Drippy faucet even though I turned that shit off.

(ghostly moan)

Creepy moaning. ‐Uh‐huh.

You know, it sounds like it could be a‐‐

A ghost? Yeah, no duh.

It's a ghost. ‐I was gonna say your mom.

What'd you say about my mom?

DAVID: No, I don't mean it like that.

You think my mom is a ghost?

No, I'm just saying‐‐

She works two jobs just to provide for me.

Keep talking 'bout my mom. See what happens.

Oh, okay, easy, son, easy.

Damn, we got a live one here, boys.

(chuckles)

I'll straight murk you, you Angela Lansbury,

old‐ass looking bitch.

Okay, okay, let's focus please.

Uh, Taggy, what do you want us to do?

Well, serve papers like always.

Well, okay, but to whom are we serving these papers?

To the ghost. Damn, y'all are dense.

What, seriously?

My mom says it's a ghost, and I always protect my mom,

so I'm suing it.

First ever ghost lawsuit‐‐ lawyer hall of fame, me.

♪♪ ♪♪

Okay.

You know Kendra at Skull and Sage?

Yeah, the dumb new age shop where dog food city used to be.

Oh, don't say "new age" around Kendra.

She'll put a hex on your ass.

Anyway, Kendra's got one of them thingamajigs

for texting with ghosts and witches and whatnot.

You're talking about a Woojoo board?

MARK: Yeah, that's it.

(chuckles) This is ridiculous.

‐What'd you say? ‐Um, nothing.

All right, here's the summons.

Lance'll take you boys to his house

once it's dark out. Kendra will meet you there.

Use her Woojoo board to contact the ghost, then serve him

and tell that undead, see‐through son of a gun

I'll be seeing him in court. What could go wrong?

(thunder crashes)

(dramatic music)

♪♪ ♪♪

So, Lance, what grade are you in?

You know what sucks about this ghost?

I can't physically beat the shit out of it

because it's mist or some shit.

Oh, I would love to just wail on this motherfucker.

Dude, I hear you. It's just‐‐

‐Man, shut up. ‐Okay.

Wish I still had my butterfly knife.

I don't.

‐Take a right here. ‐Okay.

Last house on the left.

(owl hoots)

♪♪ ♪♪

Uh, are you sure this is it, Lance?

(chuckles) Yes, I'm sure.

It's my damn house where I live,

you stupid fucking piece of shit.

There's Kendra. Let's go.

John, I gotta tell you something.

No, David, not now. Let's just get this over with.

It's bad. It's gonna be bad.

David, relax. It's gonna be fine.

Hey, y'all. I'm Kendra.

You ready for your Woojoo session?

Ah, well, if we said no,

"Woojoo" hold it against us, Kendra?

(chuckles)

Please don't joke.

Humor is a sign of spiritual weakness.

(groans quietly)

We wanna have a successful session.

Come on, attic's upstairs.

(spooky music)

Ooh, I wanna go home.

♪♪ ♪♪

(thunder cracks)

So tonight we'll be using this Woojoo board

made from sustainably forested cedar.

Sure.

It's paired with these hematite crystals

and this locally sourced goat's blood.

‐All right, that's disgusting. ‐Whoa.

This is to purify our intention.

‐What is this exactly? ‐Fairy pus.

‐Oh! ‐Ugh, okay.

Don't worry. It's organic.

That's not my concern.

‐Place your fingers like this. ‐JOHN: Ugh.

Remember, don't move it. The spirit does.

‐Empty your intention. ‐Okay.

‐Sure. ‐Done.

No, hang on, I haven't emptied my intention yet, David.

‐Come on, hurry up. ‐Wait, please.

How hard is it not to think about anything?

Just empty your goddamn... ‐Stop.

‐Intention! ‐Stop interrupting.

‐Let's go! ‐I wanna do it right.

Just wait for me. (chuckles)

And there we go. Now it's empty.

Such a dick.

(sighs) Do you feel it?

‐Feel what? ‐Feel what?

The sacred portal opening. Begin.

‐May I please speak to the‐‐ ‐Please don't yell.

‐Oh. ‐Please don't yell.

‐Excuse me. ‐Thank you.

Um, may I please speak to the entity

residing at the home of Lance DeLuca?

Hello? Oh, whoa.

I am

the g‐gho‐‐

ghost.

I am the ghost?

‐Good Lord, it worked. ‐Told you.

Okay, uh, ghost, you've been served.

You should hire a lawyer.

Boom!

How you like that, ghost?

(scream)

(wood creaking)

♪♪ ♪♪

Babe, I'm home!

(gasps) That's my mom!

We're up here, Mommy.

‐Dude, it was me. ‐What?

I am the ghost.

I recognized the house when we pulled up.

Lance's mom is the lady I've been hooking up with.

Oh, you‐‐you were moving the Wooj‐‐‐

‐DAVID: Yes. ‐JOHN: Oh, oh, okay, wow.

The furniture crashing‐‐

DAVID: It's probably when we had coitus

in this old, wooden chair. He must have heard it.

JOHN: Creaky floor?

DAVID: It's probably me walking

to the bathroom after coitus.

JOHN: Drippy faucet even though‐‐

DAVID: I probably didn't turn off the water after coitus.

Okay, and the creepy moaning? That was you during coitus?

Uh, no, actually, it's me moaning

when Tracey said no cuddling and kicked me out

and said I had to go home.

But I thought you were just using her for sex and‐‐

It's more complicated than that.

‐I don't‐‐ ‐Oh, okay.

Look, the point is, Lance already hates me.

If he finds out I've been screwing his mommy‐‐

‐Ugh. ‐I gotta go.

Lance, honey, what are you doing up here?

Shh, shh, everything's gonna be okay.

We had a séance. No more ghosts.

‐Jesus, what is that? ‐What?

(gasps) It's him!

(thunder cracks)

Stand back, people. (cracks knuckles)

I'm 'bout to beat up a ghost.

Lance, no! ‐TRACEY: Oh, Lance, baby, no.

Not again. DAVID: Ow!

TRACEY: Lance, no, no, no. ‐(grunts)

‐DAVID: (moaning) ‐Wait, who is this?

ALL: (gasp) David Purefoy!

Fuck!

‐Hi, Tracey. ‐What is going on?

Well, you told me all those noises I was hearing

at night were from a ghost.

I wanted to protect you, so I sued it.

‐Sued who now? ‐The ghost.

‐Duh, Mommy. ‐Oh...wow.

Wait a second. How do you know this pervert?

Well, now, it's complicated.

(sighs) Do you guys have some ice?

‐Hold up. ‐Ow.

Somebody tell me what the fuck is going on.

Okay, honey, you remember when Mommy

was crying by herself in the bathroom

about two weeks ago?

Huh, and to think there was a brief, stupid moment

where I actually believed in ghosts.

Oh, you're too cool to believe in the occult.

No, I believe in human stupidity.

Exhibit A. Case closed.

Well, then you won't mind if I put

a berserker avenging spell on your anus.

(chuckles) Oh, no.

Knock yourself out.

Herper. Done.

‐That's the whole spell? ‐Yeah.

You're in for a long night.

You don't wanna give me a little bit more,

I mean, do a little show?

LANCE: Wait a second.

You have been fucking my mommy?

(cool jazz music)

Getting punched by a teenager is a total bummer.

Oh, well, come on, David. It's not that bad.

Tracey literally told Lance I was a ghost

rather than acknowledging me as a person

because she was, like, ashamed of me.

Yeah, it must be very hard for you.

And I really liked her too. (growls)

It's like all I have to look forward to now

is, like, getting older and older

and meeting divorced ladies and getting a crush on 'em

and then getting wailed on by their children?

Like, I'm just gonna keep doing this

until I'm 200 years old, and then I'm an actual ghost,

and then no one's gonna wanna fuck me

'cause it's, like, fucking a ghost

is like fucking the stuff that comes out of a humidifier?

Like, what? This is my life?

Uh‐huh, even though she treated you exactly

the same way you bragged about treating her.

(chuckles) This must be very hard for you.

Dude, what is your problem?

I can't stand it! My ass itches so bad.

(laughs)

‐I'm literally butthurt. ‐Yes.

I know why‐‐because a witch said she was gonna put

a berserker revenging spell on your anus.

I probably ate something spicy is all.

You know what?

I'm glad that I'm not the only one hurting

on this houseboat deck. Thank you.

Oh, I'm glad I could cheer you up with my ass itching.

Bro, you're a true friend.

And thank your anus too. Your butt is a true friend.

Uh, David, will you please go get the cream from my bathroom?

No.