All language subtitles for Carter.2019.S02E09.HDTV.English

The first time I came to this place,
I wondered how a place so beautiful,

so perfect could make me so sad.

Eventually figured out it, it's because
I had no one to share it with.

I feel like I know you so well,
but I don't know you at all.

Tuesday can't come soon enough.

Drop it!

Oh my God. No!

Guy out with his metal detector
this morning found the body.

- Metal detector guy check out?
- Oh, yeah. Barn Phillips

he splits his leisure time between
metal detecting and blackout drinking.

Is he known to get violent
on his way to blackout?

Sir, the only thing that Barn
is murdering is his liver.

- Okay, Shaw...
- Yeah.

What's it going to take to get
you to stop calling me "sir"?

Well, you could step down,
make me the chief, that would do it.

I cannot, in good conscience,

turn over the reins to someone
who hasn't taken

their marksmanship recertification test.

- That this week?
- This week is the last week, yes.

There are slots Wednesday at six,
Thursday at eight.

Actually, I'm going in tonight at nine.

What times work for you?

Thursday at eight, you said,
and Wednesday at six, I mean, I--

come to think of it,
I could probably do tonight.

Yeah, I could, I can make that work. Yup.

Great. Tonight.

- I'll book us in.
- Great.

What do we got?

Male, mid-to-late twenties.

Initial examination shows evidence

of blunt force trauma
to the back of the head.

- Identification?
- Not yet.

We did find a cell phone a few feet away,

but we haven't been able to unlock it yet.

No other ID on him,

I did find something interesting, though.

More interesting than
a bubble-wrapped body?

About even, I'd say.

You know, some people
have this weird fetish

where they need to pop these things.

Not me, but some...

See, I can stop at one.

Wes?

I found this tucked into the waistband
of his jeans.

- Calling card?
- You think?

I don't know, but if it's calling card,
it could indicate more to come.

Yeah, more we haven't found yet.
Could we take a look?

I was just waiting for you two.
Little help?

Well, I don't recognize him.
We're gonna have to get into that phone.

I don't feel good about that one.

- You know what surprises me?
- What?

That we walked into a genuinely
interesting mystery

and there's no sign of Harley Carter.

Well, if it's as interesting
as you say it is,

he will be up to his neck in it
by the second act.

- Yeah, you're starting to talk like him.
- Oh, I know.

Hey, is that little girl still giving me
the stink eye?

- Oh, yeah. Big time.
- Yeah, well, tough.

I got to this horse first,

- I won it fair and square.
- Hey,

not that I don't love getting chicken pox,

but, is there a reason
why we're here right now?

I got a message last night
on one of the Call Carter message boards

from a potential client
saying to meet him here.

It was signed "Precocious Eight-year-old."

Could be any one of these people.

I'm thinking maybe
the red-haired kid back there.

- He looks a little suspicious.
- The one that's eating his snot?

- Are you kidding me? There's no way.
- Be cool.

Hey, did we just get "psst-ed" at?

- Hey, guys!
- It's Vijay!

Vijay, when did you get back into town?

- Yesterday!
- Why didn't you call us?

Hey, you can't do that!

Hey. I did, I sent you a note.

- I'm the Precocious eight-year-old.
- You're the client?

Yeah.

Hop on horse, man! Come on!

That's a very bad idea.

- Can you stop this?
- Sorry, buddy.

Harley paid for a whole hour.

- I'm just surprisingly unfit.
- Take my hand!

Why all the secrecy?

- It's bad. It's really bad.
- Well, how bad can it be?

Well, try Call Carter
episode 308 kind of bad.

You killed Jeff Probst
the host of Survivor?

Was that episode 308? No.

What was the one where Blake Shelton
falls in love online,

then is falsely accused of killing her?

You fell in love with someone
who's now dead?

No, and maybe.

You know how I monitor
the Call Carter message boards?

- Of course. Who doesn't?
- I don't.

Well, there was this one guy I was talking
to @jitterjuicejoe and that one night,

- well, it turned into two nights...
- Oh, you fell in love online.

I don't know.
I've never done anything like this before

and he was special.
Yeah, and he was from Bishop,

unlike the fakes and flakes in Hollywood.
So, yeah, I got my hopes up.

And I hopped on a plane yesterday
and we were supposed to meet last night,

but, he didn't show up.

- And then, you found him dead?
- No, I didn't find him at all!

I don't know his name.
He was @jitterjuicejoe

and I was always @BrownSugar.

If anything happened to him,
@BrownSugar's gonna be all over his phone.

No, not exactly.

When we finally got around
to exchanging photos,

I sent him a photo of you and I
at Mo Better Meaty Meat Burgers.

You know, the one where
I had perfect hair.

I remember it. You looked amazing.
What's your point?

Well, he looked at the picture
and got confused.

Oh my God. He thought he was flirting
with Harley Carter

- on the message boards.
- Yeah.

You tricked someone
into falling in love with me?

- 'Cause that's Harley's job.
- I liked him so much,

I didn't want to tell him the truth.

If you like someone that much,

that's exactly when you're supposed
to tell them the truth.

I know. And now he's gonna hate me.

And either he's dead or not,

I don't know,
but I'm gonna be accused of murder

and I don't know what to do!
I'm freaking out right now, Harley!

Just calm down, Vijay. Calm down.

Yeah. Okay, can I be this guy?

Do you think maybe it's possible

that this is just a case of he's just not
that into you and you got ghosted?

- Oh, Dave, come on.
- What?

The guy thought he was meeting me.
Of course he's gonna show up.

Come back when you have something
that's useful.

Vijay, don't worry.
We'll find this guy and he'll be fine.

- Really?
- Yeah.

You think we're gonna let anything happen
to the man who loves me?

Carter

Hey, Dot, Vijay's gonna crash
with us for a little while.

- He's gonna sleep on the couch.
- Or I could get your old crib.

Well, I'm taller than you.

I'm only three feet tall,
so I wouldn't sound so proud.

Dave Leigh, I need to speak
to you for a second.

Oh, Dave's in trouble.

Nah, she's all bark.

- David! Now!
- Okay.

All right, Vijay, tell me whether you know
about @jitterjuicejoe,

and don't say he's wonderful
'cause there's a million Mr. Wonderfuls

out there, no one's ever gonna hook up
with them.

- Job?
- Yes, but I don't know what it is.

- Okay. Family?
- I know he has a mom.

Thank you. That narrows it down
to the entire human race.

- What did you two talk about?
- Everything.

Yeah, I know his favourite song
it's "Mr. Blue Sky."

I know he loves his dad,
but doesn't know whether he likes him.

I know he wants to make his mark
on the world,

but also hates that he wants
to make his mark on the world.

- I know tons!
- Come on, I need real clues here.

Think.

He sent me a video from his apartment.

Let's go.

Hey, can you keep the cops out of this?

- Why?
- Because if something did happen,

I'd be the number one suspect.

No. I would be the number one suspect.
Thank you for that.

Yeah, for like two seconds,
then it'd be all Vijay, all the time.

And then, the agency will find out
I'm not in Aspen,

pitching Topher Grace
and they will fire me.

You have to promise no police,
a Harley Carter promise.

- I promise.
- Okay.

All right, let's see this.

It isn't much, but it's home.

I haven't let anyone inside since Mark,
but I think I'm ready, so come over.

I'll buy you a cup of coffee.

Bye.

Who's Mark?

His last boyfriend.
Yeah, he broke Jitterjuicejoe's heart.

You didn't think last boyfriend
was more important than "Mr. Blue Sky"?

Now, we watch it again.

It isn't much, but...

Yeah, I'd be happy to drive you into town,
but what's wrong with your car?

I might need a getaway driver.

We're not robbing any banks, are we?
'Cause fool me once...

I just need someone
and it can't be Harley.

- Will you do it?
- Yeah, of course.

But you didn't say
we're not robbing any banks.

Hey, where are you going?

I don't answer to you!

Sam?

They unlocked this phone
we found near the crime scene.

- Anything interesting?
- I'm gonna say yes.

It belongs to a guy named Ben Lyndecker.

Should I know that name?

- Maybe. Can I read you a text?
- Yeah.

"I can't swim,
but I'm ready to drown in you."

It's a little cheesy,
but the sentiments are lovely.

- Point, please?
- There's tons of these

and they're all...

from Harley Carter,

who sometimes calls himself

- @BrownSugar.
- What?

"You're a mystery
I look forward to solving."

Harley?

Are you messing with me?

- No.
- No.

Oh, well, that was just...

that was more graphic than I had expected.

- I know where @jitterjuicejoe lives.
- How?

You would know too,
if you weren't just pretending to be me.

You see, you watch this video
with only one of your senses.

I watched with all five of mine
and a sixth sense

that I haven't come up
with a cool name for yet.

Okay, first things first, that...

that's a garbage truck. By the timecode,

we can see this video was taken
on a Tuesday morning.

So, we look up
what neighborhoods in Bishop

that gets its garbage picked-up
on Tuesday morning.

Next up, you hear that?

- An elevator.
- Right.

So, what are we looking for?

Apartment building. Nice.

Now, look at the coffee mug.
It says "Phil's Fuels."

There are three Phil's Fuels in Bishop,

but one in a neighborhood
that gets its garbage picked up

on Tuesdays mornings.

- Okay. I'm impressed.
- I'm not done.

See the light coming through the window?

Now, this church steeple
across the street,

the light gets blocked
only on the first floors,

so, we're looking at the second floor,
but I already knew that.

What? How?

Look at your boy.

On the windowsill, right in back of him?

All right, let's go in
and see if anyone's home.

Wait. What if I'm wrong?

What if he found out I'm not you

and Dave's right
and I'm just being ghosted?

Vijay, whatever we find up there
is gonna to be the truth

or at least get us one step
closer to the truth,

and that's always a good thing.

No. That's easy for you to say
'cause you're you.

Being Harley Carter is only
two thirds amazing natural ability

and one third having the confidence
in that amazing natural ability.

You know what, Vijay?
Show me your confident walk.

Come on, do it.
Yes. Work. Supermodel walking.

Yes! Confidence, here we go. Keep going.

Vijay are you trying to seduce me?
'Cause it's working!

Sashay. Chante.

Vijay, come!

What?

Okay, now that we're in,
how do we get inside Ben's apartment?

Vijay, you mistake me
for a man with a plan.

That's Matt Leblanc.

I never go in prepared,
there's no fun in that.

Things and people always have
a way of revealing themselves.

Oh, hey. See what I'm talking about?

Ma'am...I am--

- Hi.
- Harley Carter, I know who you are,

and I know why you're here.

I know all about you
because Ben's told me all about you.

Oh. All good things I hope.

Otherwise, I hope you don't have a...

Twitter account. This is my good buddy.

- He may have killed someone.
- No.

Are you here to see Ben?
Because I haven't seen him lately.

Maybe for a couple days.
I'm the neighbour.

I'm Roz. I'm always around here.

I know, kind of like a character
in a TV show, huh?

No. Those character are always annoying,

you know, crazy,
statement jewelry that's not you.

Any idea where we might find Ben?

Well, I thought that he was with you

because he told me you had a date.

He's a good boy, so please don't play
with his heart.

Oh, yeah, I'll be kind to him.
I'm a very generous lover.

We were supposed to meet up,
but he never showed

and now I'm worried.

Well, tell you what,
I water his plants when he's away,

so I do have a key.

Whoa. It's perfect. Nice.

Feels so weird being in your potential
boyfriend's house

before you've met your actual boyfriend.

It's perfect.

What is that ungodly smell?

Yeah, and the beeping.

It's an alarm clock.

The lessons continue.
What does that tell us?

The snooze button's broken.

I don't know. Wait, where are you going?

I am following my nose

to the source of that remarkable smell.

This was in the sink.

Probably put in there to thaw.
I'd say it's a little past due.

This is the apartment of someone
who 100% was meant to come home.

But didn't.

No. Dude, don't answer that.

Hello?

This is Detective Sam Shaw
from Bishop P.D.

Am I speaking with Ben Lyndecker?

No, this is the Leif Gunterbloom.
I am a travel writer,

writing about the topiaries here
in Bishop.

Harley. What is going on?

Man! What gave me away?

Was it the topiaries? Little too quirky.

Why are you answering
Ben Lyndecker's phone? Put him on.

He's not home right now.

Then why are you doing in his apartment?

And Harley, that is the first
of many questions I have for you.

- Maybe I should come down.
- Maybe?

Okay, you can't tell her I'm here. Okay?
You made a promise.

I'll try to.
You stay here in case he shows up.

Wait, no. What if he does show up?

I don't know what to say!

Also, this is not the outfit
I pictured myself wearing.

We don't have time to buy you
a fireman's outfit right now.

We want him to show up,
it means he's alive.

I know, but I don't know what--Harley...

You're gonna do great.
Just don't touch anything.

Hi, Ben. Hey, Vijay here.

I know.

I know. I'd be disappointed too.

Oh, crap.

You think you can just drag me in here,

rake me over the coals and treat me like
I'm some two-bit hoodlum?

Like we haven't had a history, Sam?

Harley, you were the one
who insisted on doing this in here.

I was perfectly fine at my desk.

I just wanted to see what it was like
on this side of the table.

Wow, it's a whole different energy!
You know?

I never get cast as criminals.

I guess it's the dimples

Harley, Ben Lyndecker's phone

was found at a crime scene, near a body.

A body?

We're 100% sure it was not Ben's body?

Yes, but could be a connection between
that body and this phone.

- Can I see the body?
- No, but you can see the phone

because there are tons of gushingly
romantic texts from you.

"We haven't even met
and I feel like you know me

better than most of my so-called friends.

Like you see the real me,
the version that I hope to be."

- I didn't write that.
- I know.

I called Ben's work.
They haven't seen him in three days.

They are very worried.

There is clearly a connection

between the body at the beach
and your missing person.

So, Harley, no more games.

Your client could be that connection.

He isn't.

- I'm the client.
- Vijay, what--

what the hell is going on?

I'm @BrownSugar.

Well, technically, I am @BrownSugar

Ben Lyndecker and I
were sort of pre-dating online.

But there was some confusion
and he thought I was Harley.

And you didn't correct him.

I messed up, yes.

But we were supposed to meet up
and I was going to come clean,

but he never showed.

Well, his phone was found beside
a dead body.

Not Ben's body.

But we need to know everything
that you know.

Well, that's why I'm here.
I think I have a suspect.

I found this.

It's a restraining order filed
by Ben against a Mark Turner.

- The ex-boyfriend.
- Apparently,

but he never said anything
about a restraining order.

Okay. Well, I need to run this, find out

who and where this guy is.

This is good. Stay close.

This might be the break that we need.

Oh, Vijay, I'm glad you met someone.

Well, technically, I met someone,

but yeah, congrats, Vijay.

Hey, so, uh, what do we do now?

We don't do anything.
I am going back to the apartment.

You are going to my house to relax.

Relax? How?

Okay, we're here.

Now, can you tell me why?

You cannot tell this to Harley. Promise.

Okay. I promise.

I'm having coffee with a man.
Don't say anything!

It's too early. I can't do this. Drive.

Stop. This is ridiculous.

I'm a young woman,

and this is what Koji would have wanted.
He told me so.

I need adult, human conversation.

I can't sit at home,
listening to you and Harley

argue about Pizza Pockets
vs. Hot Pockets every night.

So, a person showed me
how to use an online dating service.

I was only on for one day
and someone asked me for a coffee

because, obviously, I'm hot stuff.

I let him dangle for two weeks,

but last night...

I said yes.

I think this is the right thing to do,

and then I think about Harley finding out

and I think it's the wrong thing to do.

Dot, it's just coffee! That's it.

You deserve to real conversation
and connecting with someone.

And...I'm proud of you for this.

And everybody knows
it's all about the Hot Pockets, okay?

End of debate. Now, go. Get out of here.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Wait for a minute
just in case he's a psycho.

Like you can't handle a psycho.

True. Go.

Yeah. Okay.

- Oh.
- Hey.

Something's really happening
and you're investigating,

and I know exactly what you're thinking.

I'd love to know what I'm thinking.

You're thinking, "Oh, yeah, here she is,

the nosy neighbour, huh, pretending
to ask all the innocent questions,

but really she knows something

and she's asking questions
to figure out what you know."

I honestly wasn't thinking that.

But now you are. And the longer I talk,
the more suspicious it seems.

And now, if I say I don't know anything,

it's really going to look like
I know something.

And, hey, how 'bout me having the key
to Ben's apartment at the ready?

Huh? You think I did it, don't you?

- Did what?
- Whatever it is you think I did.

Hey.

Remember when you said

you're like the neighbour down
the hall in all those TV shows?

Not true.
You've already had way too many lines.

Those people don't never get
this much screen time.

Thank you.

- Hello?
- Hey, Vijay, when you were here,

you didn't happen to leave a gun
on the table, did you?

Gun? What? No. Of course not.

And I would tell you.

Did you take a bath in my tub?

You told me to relax!
And how did you know?

Either swapped faces with John Travolta

or you're wearing
my Brazilian mahogany nut

skin conditioning mask.

You know how expensive those things are?

Okay, now that is crazy.
How could you possibly--

Because I'm a detective
and the way you said the word "relax",

it sounded like your face was in a vice.
Can you tell me what I'm doing right now?

No, you can't,
because you only have five senses!

Hey.

- I know who you are.
- Harley Carter.

You're in that root beer commercial,
right?

Roobidoo's Root Beer.

- The Cadillac of root beers.
- Cadillac of root beers, yeah.

Who are you?

Dennis.

Dennis. I'm a real old friend of Ben's.

And I heard he might be in trouble,

so I wanted to come by,
see if I could help.

Yeah, same here.

This is great.
Two heads are better than one.

You search that side of the apartment
I'll search this side.

Sure.

- Thanks, Mark.
- Yep.

Oh. Made you look.

Are you under the impression

that I walked into your trap?

Okay. Hey.

Take it easy, okay?

I'm not much of a shot,

but six feet isn't much of a distance.

Yeah, but what would you say if I told you
there are no bullets in that gun?

I would ask you why--

why did you bring a gun
that didn't have bullets?

Because I was trying to scare you.

Away from Ben.

- I'm trying to help Ben.
- By getting into his pants?

I have zero interest

- in the contents of Ben's slacks.
- Hey, listen, man.

Easy. I have a sixth sense, okay?

I call it my "Harley Sense-o-Rama."

I guess there were bullets in that gun.

Damn you, Sense-o-Rama!

What have you done with Ben?

- What have I done with Ben?
- Oh my!

- What have you done with Ben?
- Did I get him?

You gotta stop kicking me!

Oh, well, I don't think
I like that tone very much.

I'm trying to help you, Harley.
But you know what?

I have taken self defence classes.
You just gotta meet me halfway!

Oh, I think I did get you there.
Sorry, Harley.

He's biting me!

That's exactly what
I learned in self defence.

- Just call the cops, please!
- Oh, yeah.

Come on.

Look, I'm no Dr. Phil, but a restraining
order is a very clear signal

- that the relationship is over.
- Where were you Saturday night?

Oh, you mean when Harley Carter's
goons kidnapped Ben?

- I'm sorry?
- Yeah, I was at the lake that night.

- Stalking Ben.
- I was protecting Ben,

because I knew he got involved

with this Hollywood sleazoid guy.
And to be honest with you,

- I'm the one who loves Ben.
- Let's get back to these goons.

Two guys.

It was dark, okay, I couldn't hear them,
but I heard Ben scream.

- And then, I heard a scuffle.
- And you didn't even try to stop them

from taking the man you "love"?

Excuse me? It all happened so fast. Okay?

And to be honest with you,
that is exactly why I bought a gun,

'cause I could rescue Ben.

His story stinks. Your story stinks, Mark.

We know something happened at the lake

and my money is on you being
in the middle of it. Refalski!

I want you to take this guy away

and let him think about
the error of his ways.

We'll talk to him again
when he's got his story straight.

You can't do that
because I actually didn't do anything.

Are you kidding me?
Illegal possession of a firearm.

- Violation of a restraining order.
- And you messed with someone on my list.

You do not get to walk away from that.

- Get him out of here.
- You don't know love!

Sorry.

It's hard for me to maintain my neutral
with that guy.

Yeah, well, I'll, uh,

make sure that I don't mess
with anyone on your list.

What makes you think
you're not on my list?

- Hey.
- Hey.

You heard all that?

- I don't think he did it.
- Mark?

He's insane, but his insane logic tracks.

When we were fighting
he was convinced that I had Ben.

So, we have just two mystery voices.

Not just. Wes just texted.
He's got a lead on the bubble wrap

from your body by the lake.

What were they doing in a box factory?

They actually wrapped the body
in a clue to the crime scene.

Yeah, I think we can eliminate criminal
masterminds off of our suspect list.

They jimmied the back door,
so they knew this place was abandoned.

Oh! Bubble wrap.

Ah, Sam, you remember this place?

Oh, yeah.

We used to have all our marching band
after parties here.

Don't do that.

You were in a marching band?

Yeah. It was a thing.

Nobody parties like a marching band.
The parties.

Full disclosure--
and this doesn't leave this room--

three years of figure skating.

Mom had a dream. So...

if you need a grown ass black man
to do a triple Lutz, I'm your guy.

Chief Yamaguchi.

Anyone here play Texas Hold'em?

I will play with you,
I just won't play with her.

Once in a while I get lucky.

Yeah, well I'm not too shabby myself.

I will gladly lose $500
to watch you lose $500.

Shaw, what do you see?

I see, these two folded early...

Serious pot and why wouldn't it be?

Got a two and three
of diamonds on the flop.

Six of diamonds on the river.

Anybody with a diamond
is riding this one down.

Well, this guy was bluffing hard.

This would be the dealer...

Two pair. Jacks over fours.

All these diamonds floating
around on the table,

and he's sticking in it with two pair?

Here it is. Four of diamonds.

Harley, the body that we found
had a five of diamonds on it.

What?

Sorry, I just wanted to do that
for dramatic effect.

So, the guy has a five
of diamonds in his pocket

hoping to draw a straight flush?

Nah, that's a one in a million shot.

But if the dealer is cheating,
he palms the five of diamonds

to keep the straight flush
out of the opponent's hand.

- Nice!
- I told you I played cards.

- And figure skated.
- And I am a detective.

Try playing one on TV.

Except the cheater got caught cheating.

This guy reached across the table,
knocking over this beer bottle.

Drunken shoving dude smatch ensues.

Dealer dies from blunt force trauma
to the head.

How does this tie to Ben Lyndecker?

I mean, yeah, on a Saturday,
but it can't be a coincidence.

Yeah, well, maybe the prints in here
will turn up something.

So, what's our next move?

I'm gonna go take another look
at Ben Lyndecker's phone.

My Harley Sense-o-Rama is tingling.

I feel like I know you so well,
but I don't know you at all.

Tuesday cannot come soon enough.

What's your sixth sense saying?

Telling you to let me concentrate on this.

Why didn't you tell me you
were single ready to mingle?

I--because I didn't think you cared.

I know a guy who likes guys like you.

Oh, he likes Indian guys.

No, he likes guys he can lift up.

You know, like a doll.

Button up for a sec,

'cause I think I just found something
that's gonna crack this case wide open!

This is the last selfie that Ben took.

- So?
- No.

He's alive. Well, I mean,
the photo is live.

I present to you
our missing poker players.

We were looking for a connection
when there wasn't one.

Ben was just in the wrong place
at the wrong time.

He saw them with the dead dealer.

So, they grabbed him.

We pulled a ton of prints
from the poker game.

No matches.
These guys might be first timers.

If they're not stone cold killers,
it means there's still a chance,

just a chance that Ben
is more than just a live photo.

Sam, I've got the tiniest
little bell ringing in my head.

- Do you recognize them?
- Something is on the tip of my brain.

Who are you guys?

You killed him
and we were wasted at the time.

So, let's get wasted and do it again.

My boyfriend is looking for me.

Let him look. Last I checked,
it's a big world.

My boyfriend is Harley Carter.

- Do you know who Harley Carter is?
- Yeah. We know Harley Carter.

Yeah, he's one of the world's
greatest detectives.

- We aren't fans.
- Well, he is real

- and he is coming for me.
- You know what's real?

Is that Harley Carter
is the richest detective in the world.

Ted.

Ted. Harley Carter probably has, like,

fifty grand in his pants pocket
at all times.

We get that money
and we don't have to kill anybody.

We could just take off to, uh...

Vegas, huh? Penthouse suite at Caesar's?

Vegas. Oh, man, just make
the reservation right now.

- And if that doesn't work.
- Yeah?

Well, then we'll kill him.

No. this whole Topher Grace
thing is news to me.

Yeah. No, I never noticed his ears.

But, look, I, yeah,
I'm just sticking around here to

develop a movie idea.

Yeah, with Harley.
It's very modern, very Catfish-ey.

We are hoping for a happy ending, but...

You're not Harley Carter.

No. I'm his agent.

Perfect. We want you
to negotiate a deal for us.

I think we can do it
the easy way or the hard way.

What's the hard way, Dougie?

- I hit him?
- No.

Dot came home, found the door open
and the place like this.

Your friend put up a real fight.

There's blood here.

Not much, but all things considered.

Not much is too much.

What's this?

"If you ever want to see your agent

or your boyfriend again,
get eight hundred thousand dollars cash

together by end of day tomorrow.
We'll be in touch."

You will find Vijay,
you will rescue Vijay,

and then you will be
best man at his wedding.

This is really hard.

Okay.

Yes. Okay.

Who are you?

I'm Vijay Gill! I'm here to rescue you.

Oh, Carter sent you?

No, not exactly.

Okay, I'm just gonna come out with it.

I'm Harley Carter.

Well, I'm your Harley Carter.

I'm obviously not
the Harley Carter, but okay,

you know, online, on the message boards?

That's me. Not Harley. Me. Vijay Gill.

Okay, it feels so good to make that clear.

Okay.

I know you think
that made sense but it didn't.

- I'm @BrownSugar.
- No. Harley Carter is @BrownSugar.

No. When we were exchanging photos,
you and I,

I sent you a photo of me
with Harley Carter,

but you thought it was Harley Carter

and I didn't correct you because
I liked what was happening

and I didn't want it to end.

So, all of this was you.
Never Harley Carter?

I'm sorry.

Why would you do this? Huh?
Why wouldn't you say anything?

Because would you have
talked to me if I did?

So, Harley's not coming to rescue me?

- No, he is. We just have to help him.
- How?

By using my sixth sense. My Vijay-vision.

Your…What?

The desktop!

Okay, can send Harley a flare
through the message boards.

Okay.

Okay, we just gotta.

Okay, great. Yes, okay.

Just come on.

Yes, team! Okay. Now,

we just have to hunt and peck a message.

- I can't get my hands free.
- No, we have to peck with our beaks.

Huh? Okay?

Okay. I almost got it. Almost got it.

Okay, got it. Okay, now, just type in C.

Okay. A.

Okay. R.

Okay. T.

He just typed everything that he saw.

"Hootie and the Blowfish poster."
Not helpful.

"Singing fish."
That's every other house up here.

- "Some pants?" Come on, Vijay!
- Some pants?

"T-shirt with rogs '97 and yellow eyes."

- That's it!
- That's what?

Dot! Hey, Dot.
Where is our yearbook from '97?

Refalski!

Refalski, why are you reading
our yearbook?

I was just dusting it for prints.

I was looking for embarrassing pictures
to sell online.

Vijay could only see part of the T-shirt.
Bullfrogs '97. Big yellow eye.

Bishop Bullfrogs.

- Our high school football team.
- '97? We went to school with these guys?

Oh, my God. There it is.
The marching band.

- You played clarinet?
- Yeah, well,

you were a figure skater.

Yeah, we're gonna need
to see those pictures.

Hey, do you remember
why we partied at that old plant?

Ted Greesly's dad owned
the place and Ted had a key.

Yeah. Okay. There's Dave
with no facial hair, there's Sam.

Look, it's so cute.
There's me. I still got it.

- And there is Ted Greesly.
- So?

Who was that guy Ted always hung out with?

Dougie Lasseter.

We're gonna need to get an address on him.

- On it.
- I'll alert tactical.

Come on, Vijay. Hang in there.

Mrs. Lasseter? Hi. Harley Carter.

I went to high school with your son.
Is he home?

Harley Carter! How tall you've gotten.

You used to be heavier
and you had amazing dimples.

Well, I still got the dimples.
It's why I never play bad guys.

Dougie's in the,
in the garage with his friend Ted.

- Should I let them know you're here?
- Oh, no.

Is it okay if we surprise them?

Oh, sure, yes. Dougie loves surprises!

Not sure how he's going
to feel about this one.

We are go! Go.

Oh, should I show them
where Dougie's playroom is?

You know what? If they get lost,
I'm sure they'll ask.

- Clear.
- Clear.

Clear.

Hey, Dougie. Ted.

Go Bullfrogs.

You guys look really good.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

So, you guys are into murder now.

Hey, uh, Harley?

Oh, look who it is. Ben Lyndecker.

What an honour to meet you.
I am Harley Carter.

Oh, it's nice to meet you, too.

Oh, actually, you might also know me
as Blanco Azucar,

aka, White Sugar.

Yeah, Vijay explained
the whole thing to me.

- The whole lie.
- I know. I messed up,

Okay? But I'm very glad
that you're okay, and...

Vijay didn't mean to trick you.
Look, he's a socially awkward

leprechaun of a man,
but he is one of six people

I would trust to have
my back anytime, anywhere.

Plus, he fought for you.
I mean, literally fought--

Forgetting about the Harley Carter thing
for just a minute,

because I was already in
before that photo.

That face, that body,

- that was just bonus.
- Yeah, thank you.

I've been hitting the gym a lot lately,
just trying

to maintain, although my calf raises
are yielding diminishing returns.

Jesus, how into yourself are you?

I'm pretty into myself.

- Yeah, Vijay?
- Yeah?

How much of what you wrote
was actually true?

All of it. Every word.

Dot.

- I know about your date with Terrence.
- Dave Leigh caved on me?

Dave didn't say anything.
I don't know if you've noticed,

but I am a bona fide P.I. now,
but the real reason is you.

You've changed.

I mean, yes, you still have perma-scowl,
and everyone in town is afraid of you,

but you seem happier.

- You really like this Terrence dude, huh?
- He's okay.

He has a daughter who lives in New Orleans
that he visits at Christmas.

One date and he invited you
to New Orleans?

I invited myself.

You're not the only one
with a very smart gut.

And besides, I like crawfish.

Alright, Dot. I approve.

Oh, sorry.

We have an unknown number of perps
and an officer down.

You ready for this?

Go!

Three perps!

Two perps!

Take cover.

Man down.

Two at your twelve.

Time.

How'd I do?

Adequate.

- Did I beat you?
- Hey, it's not a competition.

I see you've been putting in your hours,

- haven't you?
- No. This is my first time.

I'm a natural.

Yeah.

Yeah, that you are.

And you are wasted here.

I bet you say that to all the girls
who hand you your ass on the range.

You do remember that I'm your boss, right?

Yeah, we've gone over
that, like, two or three hundred times.

So, is it safe to say
that I'm reading the signals right?

You're a really slow reader.

I should go home.

Yeah.

Yeah, I think you should.

Open wide, say "ah".