All language subtitles for Carter.2019.S02E06.HDTV.English

Hey, partner.
Got you these butter cookies.

- I can't accept those.
- Why not?

I saw you take those off Rafalski's desk.

Oh, did I?

I swung by your place last night
after the Chinese restaurant takedown.

- Why?
- You weren't there.

How do you know I wasn't asleep?

Because...

I can't finish this sentence
without admitting I peeked

inside of your rhymes
with "red-room bin-dow."

- I was worried.
- I couldn't sleep,

so I came back here, boxed a bit,

- then crashed on the break room couch.
- Why couldn't you sleep?

Why'd you go to my house at late o'clock?

I should...

The Lomba case, it's a big one,
and I'm kind of taking the lead on it.

I don't want to disappoint Boyle.

Of course.

Boyle. Yeah.

Don't be side-tracked by the uncle.

It's his uni-brow
that makes him look suspicious.

Yeah. I told you that. I'll let you know.

Yeah. I have a big day, too.
Got a meeting with a new client.

Could be big case. Don't know.

It's a big day for both of us.

- Good for you.
- Yeah.

- Keep me posted.
- Will do...friend!

Rafalski...

I got you these.

Why were you touching my cookies?
I'm sorry.

Boyle dragged me in here
at the crack of dawn this morning.

Between you and me,
I think he spent the night here.

Hi.

Harley Carter.

Phoebe Tessamoré.

Thank you for the directions.

This is your office?

Yeah. Best cheeseburgers in Bishop.

I don't eat cheeseburgers.

No. Of course you don't.

You sounded pretty stressed out
on the phone.

- What's going on?
- I think my fiancé was murdered.

- You think?
- The coroner says heart attack,

but Rick was in perfect health.

Well, heart disease is the silent killer.

No, Rick was a triathlete.

He had just had a physical,
a full stress test.

- Everything was perfect.
- So, what happened?

It was morning. We had just had sex.

You know, the kind that you dream about.

Oh, it was the best sex we've ever had,
and my God,

we've just, we've had some amazing sex.

And when I came out of the shower,
he was dead.

- Are you okay?
- No. Yeah.

I just take notes, you know.

Sex, shower, and then dead.

Yeah. Okay. I got that. Continue.

I need time to prove
that it wasn't a heart attack,

but his executor is saying the funeral
has to be tomorrow.

- Why the hurry?
- Suspicious, isn't it?

Maybe. What else can you tell me?

It's a very safe community we live in.
There has never been a murder.

But recently, I've had this feeling
like I'm being watched.

I also received this.

"You and Rick will be reunited one day.

That day may come sooner than you think.
Love never dies."

- Who would do that?
- I don't know.

Your fiancé seemed like the romantic type.

Yeah. He had a surprise planned
for our wedding day,

and now, I'll never know what it was.

Tell me about this community.

Happy Harbour. It's three hours away.

Well, you caught me on a good day
to be three hours away.

I will take the case.

Should we talk about money?

I never charge, unless my client
turns out to be the bad guy.

Then I charge time and a half.

Word is, you're a good man, Mr. Carter.

I guess I'm about to find out how good.

I feel like I'm in your show.

Miss Tessamoré,
you are this week's guest star.

Carter

I can't wait any longer.
You and Sam. Spill it. Let's go.

There is no me and Sam.

Oh, my God. She shot you down?

I took your advice last night,
and I went to her house.

She wasn't there.
She spent the night at the station.

So? She's done that before.

Boyle spent the night there, too.

- And you think something happened.
- I don't know.

What if she's falling
for this bad boy act?

Which, by the way, is not an act.

Alright. Now, I understand
this whole road trip thing.

You need to put some distance
between you and Sam.

This is a legitimate case!

The mysterious case
of the awkwardly-phrased condolence.

Supes legit.

Beautiful woman walks into my office,

tells me that her fiancé's death
was no accident.

That is a classic trip to mystery-land.

No way it ends in anything
but awesomeness and most likely, murder.

Get in the car.

There's something you don't see every day.

I'm guessing you do here.

Thank you for coming so quickly.

It's what I do.

Sit across from clients on a couch,
talk about the case,

get a feel for the case,
take in the big picture.

I'm going to need to see Rick's phone
that condolence card

you showed me back at the, at the diner,
back when you had clothes on.

I'm sorry.
When, when were you going to tell me

that you live in a nudist colony?

You didn't mention
that your office is a diner.

Yeah. Apples and naked oranges,
but here we are.

Does this change anything?

Oh, Harley?

Can I, talk to you for a second, please?

Hey, what's happening here?

- We're on a case.
- Oh. Is that what's happening?

Because this morning,
you were freaking out about Sam,

and now, we are miles away from Bishop,
and there are naked people everywhere!

- My package has arrived.
- Stop it. Stop that.

I just want to make sure
that your head is in the game.

Rude. You don't trust her
because she's attractive.

Look, the coroner said
that her fiancé died of a heart attack.

She could be playing you, man,
and I don't think you would even notice.

- He turned off his password.
- Great. Okay.

Dave, I need you to stay on Phoebe.

I mean, stay with Phoebe.
Stay near Phoebe.

If Phoebe does anything,
just stay near her.

Okay.

I don't need to...

People will open up if you're one of them.

Okay. Look, I only get naked
for two reasons,

and neither of them is a spectator sport.

- I got to go.
- Where are you going?

I got to see a body.

A different body.

- Hey!
- You're Harley Carter, aren't you?

Well, I woke up in his bed this morning,
so I better be.

You must be Russell, the medical examiner.

And piano teacher and dog walker.
It's a small community.

Oh, that's impressive.
Pretty cool morgue you got here.

Love to come here
for a nude basketball game.

I'm not sure I want to see any dribbling.

It's actually our community center gym.

We don't do a lot of autopsies here.

Or any, really.

But his fiancée insisted.

- Do you mind if I take a look?
- Sure.

Why wouldn't TV's Harley Carter
stop by to take a look at a body?

That makes perfect sense.

Just doing a favor,
trying to put his fiancée's mind at ease.

I'm just...having a little trouble
getting into character.

Oh, you know what?
You don't happen to have an extra

lab coat, do you? That'll help.

Thank you.

Okay, that's better.

Okay.

Male.

Deceased.

No abnormal bruising.

No injection sites. Atypical lividity.
Inexplicable discoloration.

This fella did not know when to fold 'em.

- Pardon me?
- It's from an episode of Call Carter.

- Kenny Rogers, the Kenny Rogers
- Oh, right.

played this killer crooning cop.

That's why I was saying
all the medical jargon.

And at the end of the episode, Kenny says,

"He didn't know when to walk away
or know when to run!" Boom!

He gets shot in the leg.
It was a great ep.

I saw that one!

You know,
you really are a wonderful actor.

How can you do that,
step into another person's skin like that?

Trade secrets.

Hey, Russell, why did you diagnose this
as a heart attack?

Well, there was,
necrotic tissue in the heart

and diffuse alveolar damage in the lungs.

This was absolutely a heart attack.

Unless you have reason
to believe that it wasn't.

Oh, my God. Is this a case?

- Am I in a murder case?
- No. I don't think it's a case...yet.

But you could do me one favor.

Could we delay this funeral,
just by a couple of days?

- Come up with an excuse.
- Oh, no.

That's not going to fly.

It's been made very clear to me
that Rick gets buried tomorrow.

Do you know
who the executor of the will is?

Lorraine Tovey.

She's going to be my next visit.
Thank you.

Good luck! And do not cross her.

If this isn't official
Bishop police business,

then that means that this is a favor.

And that means
that you will owe me a favor,

and my mom's coming to town soon, so--

Okay. Do this, and I'll schmooze your mom.

Who said anything about schmoozing her?

You haven't even schmoozed me yet.

You're going to have to schmooze
through me to get to her.

Not sure you know what "schmooze" means.

- Delilah, could you look at the pictures?
- Alright.

What have we got here?

Official story is, he dropped dead
after coitus with his fiancée.

I need anything that says
this guy didn't die of natural causes,

and I need it before the evidence
goes six feet under.

Right, but I'm supposed to be working
on the Lomba case.

Delilah, I need to know
if I'm looking at a murder

or if I'm just hanging out
with a few hundred naked people.

- Harley?
- No, this not Harley!

You called the pizza place for the pizza.

You want the pizza? Pepperoni?
Okay. Goodbye.

They make great pizza.

So, is "a few hundred naked people"
code for something?

Harley's at a nudist colony.

Tell me everything.

Ms. Tovey, I am here in my capacity

as a private investigator
on behalf of my client, Phoebe Tessamoré.

She would like to hit pause
on the burial of her fiancé.

And I would like to hit pause
on my boobs migrating south.

I'm just fulfilling my client's wishes.

At this point,
unless someone has a very good reason

why his body shouldn't go into the ground,
I will carry out my duties as executor.

She believes he was murdered.

Well, she's the only one who thinks that.

Sometimes, people just drop dead.

And why are you asking me?

Is this about the kiss?
Did Russell speak with you?

Oh, I thought that
little marshmallow saw us.

It was just one little kiss.

Sometimes,
one little kiss can change everything.

Believe me.

Phoebe is obviously upset. You get it.

You're married.
Nice wedding photo, by the way.

Thank you.

We were married in Paris, actually.

April 16, 2016.

The weather was a balmy 72 degrees
with a slight breeze.

We had a picnic under the cherry blossoms
at Parc Monceau.

And later, we enjoyed a quartet
at the Jazz Club Etoile.

Nice use of the word "balmy."

Now, about that burial--

Rick Murray's body
goes in the ground tomorrow.

- How was your afternoon?
- Weird.

I literally octupled the number
of naked people I've seen in my life.

And Phoebe was right.

No one's going to get too chatty
with a Clothe-y.

They call us Clothe-ys?

Yeah. You got to put a little bit more
of a sneer in your voice when you say it.

- Clothe-y.
- Clothe-y.

- Clothe-y.
- Clothe-y.

- Why are we doing accents?
- Clothe-y.

What did you find out?

Lorraine Tovey, Rick's lawyer.

Real piece of work.
Definitely hiding something.

She cannot wait to get Rick
into the ground.

I'm waiting for Delilah to get back to me
with a reason to not bury Rick.

So far, nothing.

Oh, sorry. Go.

No, I, go.

Go. I'm sorry.

There's no hurry, but I do have
Rick's effects in a box in my car.

Whenever's good for you.

Of course, this is not the time.

And once again, I'd like to apologize
for misplacing Rick's watch.

- But I'm sure it'll turn up.
- No worries, Russell.

And thank you for the casserole.

Of course. You can keep the Tupperware.
For a while.

I know why you're here, Mr. Carter.

You think the murderer's
going to show up at the funeral.

I pledge to keep my eyes peeled.

- Thank you.
- Peeled.

Thanks.

Does it make me awful

if I say I want to punch the next person
who asks me if I need anything?

You need your fiancé back.

I'll settle for getting his killer.

Anyone unexpected here?
Any surprise mourners?

No.

The only strangers here are you two.

But I'm grateful that you're here.

I know that you'll solve this.

We will.

Alright. If there's nobody else,
we can move along to the cemetery.

No.

- Quick. Give me something to work with.
- Like what?

Just Rick's favorite hobby, sport, food.

Just the first thing
that comes to your mind.

He loved triathlon, geocaching.
He loved Doritos.

Triathlons. Geocaching.

Doritos. I can work with that. Excuse me!

I would like to say something about Rick.
Thank you.

Everyone may not know this,
but Rick and I, we go way back,

all the way back to my first triathlon.

When we weren't cycling or,
swimming or...wrestling...

we were geocaching
or scarfing down Doritos.

Rick, old Rick.

You know, in a lot of cultures,

it's considered a sin
to bury the dead too quickly.

In Estonia, for example,

in the city of Kresnikast,

you honor the dead by putting them
in a motorcycle sidecar

and parading them up and down the streets.

It's a whole...thing.

What else about Estonians?

They love their Ashton Kutcher.

Can't seem to get enough of that guy.

What else?

If you bury someone
too quickly in Estonia,

it's considered suspicious,
like you're trying to hide something.

Well...sorry, everyone!

There has been a legal hiccup.

Rick's burial is going to be postponed.

Murder.

I just can't wrap my head around this.

- A murder in Happy Harbour?
- It's looking that way.

Lilah told me to look
at Rick's fingernails.

Okay. Here we go.

Oh, yeah. There they are. Look.

Stripes.

- Stripes?
- Yeah.

There.

Oh, look. Pale white striations.

They're called Mees lines,
and they're a sure sign of--

Thallium poisoning. Come on, Russell.

You don't think you get all the good lines
in this scene, do you?

Delilah was right.

Thallium, common ingredient in rat poison.

Well, I'll need blood work
for this to stand up in court,

but yes, this could mean poisoning.

Funny, though.

Rick didn't show any signs
of pre-mortal nausea or diarrhea,

so I didn't even think toxicity.

- Unless--
- Low dosage, administered over time.

A slow poisoning.

Whoever murdered Rick had consistent
and regular access to him.

Right. So, we're looking for suspects
who had that.

Where do we start?

Hey, they're having a memorial brunch/wake

kind of thingy at Lorraine
and Don Tovey's house tomorrow.

His lawyer is hosting his memorial?

Yes. Is that suspicious?

Is Tovey our prime suspect?

There is no "our."
You just have to stay tuned.

Can you explain to me one more time
the reasoning behind me being naked?

I walk into a memorial naked,
and it's news.

You walk in there naked,
it's a lifestyle choice.

You're nobody,
and I would break the internet.

- You lost me at "You're a nobody."
- Good.

That means you heard most of it.

You know what? Why don't I just strip down
to my tight-y whities?

Hey, there is a killer
on the loose in this community.

Tight-y whities are not going to cut it!

Give it to me. I can't do that.

- I'm the one who bought it.
- Don't touch it.

- I'm the one who got it.
- Don't touch it.

- Let me give it to them.
- Please, this is mine.

Don't touch it. I need this.

You came! Oh, are you going to do
the big murderer reveal,

right here at the victim's memorial?

That's so Call Carter!

Hey, be cool.
We don't want to tip our hand.

Got it.

I'll meet you at the onion dip
in a half hour,

and we'll compare notes.

Keeping my eyes peeled.

This guy's going to get us killed,
isn't he?

At least they have onion dip.

I sell vitamin supplements, mostly.
Yeah. Protein powders, energy bars.

Most of the folks here are my clients.
Nudists are very health conscious.

I can tell from your wedding photo.

- You have very healthy nipples.
- Thanks.

Lorraine was telling me
about your honeymoon.

It sounded fantastic.

It was. Yeah. It was.

April 16th, 2016.

It was a balmy 72 degrees, slight wind.

We picnicked underneath
the cherry blossoms in Parc Monceau,

and that night, we enjoyed a quartet
at the Jazz Club Etoile.

Nice use of the word "balmy."

So, Dave?

- Hi.
- What do you do?

I am...a doctor.

I am a successful, full-time doctor.

"Doctor" is one of my magic words.

What's your specialty?

My specialty is...ophthalmology.

I am a doctor of ear, nose, and throat.

And eyes. Mostly the eyes, actually.

Ding, again.

- Did I say another magic word?
- Well, I have a dry-eye problem.

- Could you take a look?
- Actually, I can see from back here.

Don't worry. I'm not going to bite you.

Well, you know what? It looks pretty.

Your husband seems like a really cool guy.
Don? Is it Don?

Yeah. Don. He's a peach.

And are you married, Dave?

No. Yes. No and yes. It's complicated.

We're going through a thing right now.
Yeah. She died. In a fire.

But-- Oh, you know what?

It's okay,
because she was a horrible person.

- Serves her right, I guess.
- Yeah, okay.

Well, a bit harsh. Yeah.
But yeah, essentially.

So, that means that you are single.

That's what you took away from that story.

Do...not...move.

Okay. Eyes up here.

I'm telling you, Harley.

I am not imagining it,

but Lorraine has been dressing me
with her eyes.

All is not normal
in Don and Lorraine land.

Did they tell you about their honeymoon?

Are you kidding me?
She's been too busy planning ours.

They said the exact same thing,
like they were reading from a script.

Could she be having an affair with Rick?

He tried to end it.
She doesn't take no for an answer.

I just overheard Wallace Rickard

tell someone that he could have
killed the guy

who cut in front of him
at the diner this morning.

I was watching his eyes when he said it.

It was like a light went out
and a killing light went on.

- That's good stuff. Stay on him.
- Stay on him.

I got Don. You get Lorraine.

No. Come on. Don't leave--

I feel sorry for Phoebe.

Well, I do, too,
but don't feel too bad for her.

I mean, she's about to inherit
all of Rick's estate.

- She'll be fine.
- Rick was rich?

Yeah, Rick came from money.
Not that she needs it.

She's still rolling in that
not-so-small fortune

that she got from her first husband.

- First husband?
- Yeah.

Died young.
Heart attack, same way as Rick.

Did you not know this?

Thanks.

- We need to talk.
- What's wrong?

Oh, I think you know.

I honestly don't,
and I do not appreciate your tone.

I don't appreciate being lied to.

You've been playing me since the diner.

You know what?
Let's just take this conversation private.

- What is your problem?
- My problem? Outside. Now.

Did you just order me outside?
Do I look like a cockapoo to you?

Do you have something you want
to get off your manly chest, huh?

- Why don't you just say it right here?
- Okay.

Because you can say it right now.

Why didn't you tell me
the two super-interesting facts,

A, you had a first husband,
and B, he died the same way as Rick?

My husband died of a heart attack,
and Rick was murdered.

Well, why didn't you tell me
your first husband was rich?

- Because I don't have to.
- Mr. Carter, I know you mean well,

but Phoebe?

You never saw them together, her and Rick.

She would never be the one to kill him.

You were right, Dave.

- I should have never trusted her.
- What? No.

No. All I said was, you're very pretty,
and he's having girl trouble.

- Oh, great! Tell every-- Yes!
- So, his head is--

I kissed my best friend, okay?
And it was a kiss that went wrong.

And then I ran to her house
like Hugh Grant in Notting Hill.

But when I got there, she wasn't there.

She was at the office all night long,
hitting the heavy bag,

most likely with her boss!

And you know what? Julia Roberts
could have never hit that heavy bag.

No, she would have had to use
a stunt person or a body double.

But not Sam, because Sam is amazing.
And Sam is perfect, and Sam is impossible.

- Harley.
- Sam.

Why is it that when I walk into a room
that you're in,

there is a 50/50 chance
that you will be causing a scene?

I just found out that my client
has been withholding information

that makes this suspiciously
look like a black widow situation.

Correction: double black widow.

- How dare you?
- Harley?

Outside. Now.

Are you aware that Delilah works
for the Town of Bishop?

Are you aware that I now have
to marry her mom? So, she's using me.

Why were you yelling
at a recently bereaved woman?

I just had the decency to look into Phoebe
before I started yelling "black widow."

Her husband had a congenital heart defect
that he absolutely died of.

That woman that you just had
a hissy fit in front

of was in the hospital
for two weeks after his death.

Does that sound like a black widow to you?

Not so much.

How's everything going
with the Llama case?

- Lomba.
- Are you sure?

Do you...even want my help?

Yes, I do. I'm...

I just thought things between us were...

You know,
what happened with us the other day...

I appreciate you coming. Thank you.

Okay.

You know what you have to do.

I'm sorry. I just think my buttons
are a little extra push-able today.

- And that's on me.
- Yeah. You're right.

You're damn right. That was ridiculous.

But to be fair,
I should have told you about my husband.

I know you're looking at me
out of the corner of your eye.

I am not. Not doing that.

No. Sam, listen. I get it.

You know,
if you were to ask me two hours ago,

I would have felt the same,
but right now...

- I feel great.
- Great.

Freer than I have ever felt.
I'm not the least bit self-conscious.

- Yeah.
- You know what?

I think I could actually make a go of it
here in this town.

Oh! As an ophthalmologist or...

Yeah. I might have to change that, though.

- I should've known better.
- Yeah.

I mean, the black widow
is a classic TV trope,

and she's always the red herring.

So, is the guy who's kneeling
over the body with blood on his hands

when the cops arrive
or anyone else who you think did it

in the first half of an episode.

So, again...I'm sorry.

Apology accepted.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, once we get Sam up to speed,

we are going to have to divide
and conquer.

Dave, you're going to be on Lorraine.

She seems to have taken a liking
to Au Naturel Dave,

and we need you to go in deep.

Interesting turn of phrase.

But if my theory is correct,
then Lorraine could be a killer,

which means you're pimping me out
to a killer?

No. You don't have to sleep with her.

Guys, isn't this great?
It's the three of us back together again!

One, two, and three.

Oh, we missing somebody? Yeah, Boyle.

Last time I checked,
he's not on the poster.

- What is it?
- I don't know.

But let's not forget
there is a killer out there,

and if they know
that we're looking for them...

They might be looking for us.

Can I get you anything else?

No. Tea's great. Thanks.

Harley was supposed to meet us. I'm sorry.

You and Harley, is that a current thing,

a used-to-be thing,
an here-it-comes thing?

I don't mean to pry. It's just...

Keeps my mind off me.

Harley, where are you?

Hey, Sam. I'm sorry.
I got caught up in some big-picture work.

Well, I have been through every lead
I can think of with Phoebe,

and I can't drink any more tea.

Do you believe that we know
when we're being watched?

I've been having that feeling for weeks.
I just...

The other night,
I was standing at my kitchen window,

and I was positive
someone was watching me.

And I spun around, and nobody was there.

It is driving me crazy.

I have had that feeling
since I came to this town.

Show me the window.

Oh, Rick was...lovable.

- In a golden retriever kind of way.
- Sure. Yeah.

I prefer huskies.

Big, beautiful, blue-eyed, furry huskies.

Okay. What if Don walks in? Is he home?

Don's got secrets of his own. Trust me.

Will you wait here for one minute?
Because I...

- I have a surprise.
- Oh, fun.

- A surprise.
- I-- You know what?

- I should probably--
- Just one minute.

A reverse strip tease. I get it. Okay.

- Oh, I-- Okay.
- Scootch over here, around this way.

Yes. Okay.

Little slappies. It's so soothing!

- You like what you're seeing?
- Sure I do. Yeah.

I'm so sorry.
I don't want to interrupt your flow.

There Pina Bausch, but,
can I use your little boy's room?

- It's right over there.
- Okay. Great. Thank you.

You...do not...want to miss...

- the blazer.
- No.

- You go get that blazer.
- In there.

- Is it in there? You go get that.
-The bedroom.

Okay. Bless this house.

- The breakdown.
- It's going to be great.

- Hey, Sam.
- Hey, I found a footprint

outside Phoebe's window.

The shoe looks like a Bruno Magli.

The OJ shoes?

Little on the nose. Hold on a sec.

I'm looking at a photo of Don,
Lorraine's husband,

and he is a Bruno Magli man.

Guess I got to go see a man
about some shoes.

- You do that.
- Alright.

- Dave, what's up?
- Oh, not much.

I just watched a grown woman
reverse-striptease for me,

and yet, I'm still naked.

But other than that, I feel great.
And I just found something.

I'm in Lorraine and Don's bathroom,

and there's a bunch
of prescription bottles here.

Most of them say "Don Tovey,"

but there's one that says
"Albert Sawchuk."

Actually, a few of them do.

Who is Albert Sawchuk?

No idea, but it's weird, right?

Okay. Find Sam.
Tell her about Albert Sawchuk.

I'm gonna follow my own lead.

Wait. How the hell am I supposed
to get out of here?

Talk to me, Rick.

Hey! I was just thinking about you.
What's up?

I'm on my way.

Go back up?

- Hey.
- Hey, fellas.

Great day for a naked boat ride.

- Hey.
- Oh, man. We are working.

This is the workplace,
where we wear pants.

I don't care how free you are.

Did you get the pill bottle?

Where were you carrying this?

Sam, I think we've been made.

- Why is he running?
- Why aren't we?

- I can catch him!
- Whoa, wait, Dave! Don't bother!

What? Oh, yeah. I got it.

I'm just the accountant, I swear!

- What?
- Accountant?

We found some prints at the scene

that I'm pretty sure are going to match
the ones on your shoes!

- We know you did it!
- Of course you know I did it!

That's why Ronaldo sent you!

What? Who the hell is Ronaldo?

Get away from Tovey!

- Put the gun down!
- Put your guns down!

Lower your weapon!

I make it a point not do a damned thing
unidentified men with guns tell me to do.

We're with Witness Protection!

- Mr. Tovey is under our care!
- What?

Ronaldo is the crime boss
our guy is testifying about!

I can show you our logs,
which account for every minute

of his time for the last year!

Sound good to you, Detective Shaw?

How do you know my--

You were watching us,
weren't you, on the street?

- Why did he run?
- Because I thought Ronaldo sent you!

I testified last week,

and then I saw people in the bushes,
so of course I'm going to run!

His wedding story sounded fake
because it was a fake wedding story.

Is Lorraine even your wife?

Oh God, no! She's my handler!

Did you know that she has a nickname
for every single one of her freckles?

Delores, upper thigh.
Agnes, right butt cheek.

For the record, she's very unprofessional!

You're Albert Sawchuk!
Why were your footprints on Phoebe's lawn?

I think he likes to...
sneak a peek at Miss Tessamoré!

Okay, that's illegal!

You want to shoot him for that,
knock yourself out.

- No.
- But Albert Sawchuk didn't kill anybody.

Where did you say Harley was?

I didn't, because he didn't.

Damn it.

Hey. Thanks for coming so quickly.

I have found something pretty big.

Yeah. You sounded pretty giddy
on the phone.

Well, I was thinking what you
and Delilah were saying,

so I re-evaluated the organ functions,

and I found something
that I missed in the stomach.

Supplements, way too many supplements,
the same brand that Don Tovey sells.

And I also found traces of thallium,
just like Delilah said.

Don was slow-poisoning Rick.
He's your murderer.

Russell, you did it!
You got our killer! Oh, Russell!

You have really upped your game this time.

I'm going to go tell the troops back home,
and they are going to pin a medal on you!

Just one last thing...

Do you remember when you asked me
what it was like to be an actor,

getting into character?

How do I get into someone's skin?
Well, I start from the outside.

I start with wardrobe, like a lab coat
or accessories-- glasses, watch.

Nice watch.

I'm sorry I misplaced Rick's watch,
but I'm sure it'll turn up.

Didn't Rick have one just like it?

Small world, I guess.

You know, at first, I couldn't understand
why Rick shaved his legs.

Then I found out he's a triathlete,

and triathletes do that to cut down
on the resistance

when they're swimming,
running, and cycling.

Why do you shave your legs?

Are you training to be a triathlete?

No.

No. Yes.

Yes. Sure.

I figured it's never too late
to take it up.

Well, actually, in my case,
it is too late.

I recently took up Zumba.
It turns out it's difficult.

Hey, you know who loves the smooth legs?

The ladies.

Speaking of ladies,
let's introduce this week's guest star!

Ladies and gentlemen, Phoebe Tessamoré!

What's going on?

What is going on is,
we are about to stick the landing.

Let's talk to Phoebe
about means and opportunity.

Delilah said that whoever killed Rick
slow-poisoned him.

They had consistent
and regular access to him.

Are you accusing me of something?

Rick was a friend,
but consistent and regular access

was not something I ever had.

- Ask Phoebe.
- Easy, Russell, easy.

So, last night,
I was going through Rick's phone.

I also played some Fortnite.
That game is so addictive.

But then I got back to Rick's phone,
and I found...this.

- That's Rick playing.
- Rick didn't play piano.

- Like that Russell?
- Much better, Rick.

Very close.

Russell, you're being so encouraging.

Phoebe, Rick was learning how to play
your favorite song as a wedding gift.

He was planning a surprise
for our wedding day.

Now, I'll never know what it was.

And who does he go to?

The local dog walker, medical examiner,
and piano teacher, Russell.

I'd say that's consistent
and regular access.

I'm also guessing those lessons
came with a complimentary cookie.

Chocolate chip with thallium?

Phoebe, do you remember
that card you showed me in the diner?

- The threat.
- Yeah.

"You and Rick will be reunited one day.
That day may come sooner than you think.

Love never dies."

You wrote this, didn't you, Russell?

At first, Phoebe and I thought
it was a threat, but what if it wasn't?

What if it was a promise
that Rick 2.0 was on his way,

with his watch and his shaved legs
and his tri-athletics?

But what if this isn't about
being Rick but about being...with Phoebe?

What's happening?

The climax.

This is insane. Sure, I like Phoebe.

Like, who doesn't?

Do I want to be with her?
Yeah, I'll give you that, too.

But-- but kill Rick?

That's crazy. I'm a doctor.

Yeah, you're a doctor,

which gives you the perfect built-in
excuse to get away with murder.

The only signature that's required to say
that Rick died of a heart attack

and put him in the ground is yours.

I know I've been around
a lot of naked people lately,

but please tell me that's a gun
you're touching me with.

You son of a bitch.

Not really sure I'd pull
the "son of a bitch" card right now.

You ruined everything.

Well, realistically,
your plan did have some flaws,

the first of which being,
Rick was a golden god.

- I know I'm not Rick. I'm not crazy.
- Well...

And I know there's something between us,

something that would never be
as long as Rick was around.

And I got to tell you something.

He wasn't perfect.
I saw him flirt with Lorraine Tovey.

- He kissed her!
- She kissed him!

Rick told me everything.

Also, Rick was a real man.

Okay. Russell is a real man
with a real gun.

He doesn't have the balls.

He does, literally does. I can see them.

Hey, Russell!

That long-winded wrap-up wasn't
just a salute to my man Columbo!

I was also stalling!

- Thank you.
- I got him.

- Yeah. Just hold him.
- Please, sir, stop squirming.

I did not think this through.
Oh, we got a hotdog-in-the-bun situation.

- Alright.
- Please release your clench.

- Do I have your permission to--
- Oh, God!

No! Sam!

- You brushed it, Sam. You brushed it.
- Sorry.

- You saved my life...again.
- Girl's got to have a hobby.

So, did you get everything you needed?

- Did you figure it out?
- Yeah.

It's a bizarre love triangle,

something I seem to be
becoming an expert at lately.

I need to talk to you about something.

I was going to go grab Dave
a pair of pants, but yeah, shoot.

I was with Boyle the other night
at the station, all night,

and I need to try to explain it to you.

No, Sam.
You don't have to explain anything to me.

Come on. I get it.

- It was, like--
- All we did was talk.

I mean, we actually have a lot in common.

You know, we're kind of allies down
at the station.

Nothing happened.

- Something happened.
- No. I'm telling you, nothing.

Something is happening.

I don't know. I'm confused, Harl.
I mean, he's my boss.

Neither of us would ever act on it,

even if there was something--
which there probably isn't.

So I don't-- I just-- I--

I--

The funny thing is,
you are my best friend,

and you are the first person
that I would go running to,

to tell all this stuff to.

But why is it weird?

Sometimes, things are just weird.

Are we okay...after...you know?

Oh, look at Dave.

He's like a little baby
who just discovered his body.

Please, get that baby some pants.

Yes. Hi.
Is this the 52nd precinct in Manhattan?

Yeah. Hi. My name is Dave Leigh.
I'm calling from Bishop, Canada.

I'm trying to get in touch
with a Detective Marco Ciccone.

He used to be partners
with Detective Joyce Boyle.

Can I leave him a message?
I have a few questions for him.