All language subtitles for Bobs Burgers s09e13 Bed, Bob and Beyond.eng

[??]

(Linda scoffs)

(mumbling)

Valentine's Day?

- Uh, Lin, are you saying something?
- No.

Uh, just something
in my throat.

I can't believe they've been
acting like this all day.

This is the weirdest
Valentine's Day ever.

I don't even understand
what exactly happened.

I saw the whole thing.
It was awful.

Aw.
Good morning, my baby Bobby.

Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh!

Bob, I just tripped over a
pile of your dirty laundry.

Oh, uh, uh, sorry.

Maybe, uh,
just walk around it?

No, I'm not gonna walk
around it.

Why is it even there?

Well, you have your
pile of dirty laundry.

Well, it's Valentine's Day,
so,

you know, maybe you
could just... move it.

Or we could ignore it.
That's romantic.

Well, if this is your
idea of being romantic,

it's not working on me.

On a scale of this to
Michael Bolton, this is this.

You don't have to
bring up Michael Bolton

- every Valentine's Day.
- Oh, here we go.

I'm never gonna be
your Michael Bolton!

You don't even try to be him,
Bob!

BOB: I grew my hair
long once!

Wow.
That is dumb.

And now Mom's weird idea
that we all go

on this family Valentine's
date is even weirder.

Ugh. I'm just worried
they're still gonna be

in a bad mood when
they find out about...

the bed.

(Tina groaning)

ALL (chanting): Jumping on Gene's bed!

- Jumping on Gene's bed!
- Aah! Aah!

LINDA: Kids, let's go.

We're leaving
for the theater now.

Looks fine.

Well, hopefully, this
movie will soften them up.

Mom's a sucker
for romantic comedies.

Yeah. She would watch
Four Hundred Weddings

and a Thousand Funerals
if she could.

And Dad pretends
he doesn't like them,

but every time
he sees one, he dad-cries,

and then downloads
the soundtrack.

When this movie is over,
they won't care about a broken bed.

They'll be too busy making
awful middle-aged love.

Aw.

MAN (British accent):
On your left, you'll see the,

um, uh, well, uh, the,
uh, famous London Tube.

And on your right,
you'll see, uh, well, uh, Big Ben.

And up ahead, you'll see
the, uh, um, uh, eh, the...

the Royal Garden where
the princess enjoys,

uh, tea with her,

- um, family.
- He puts the glamor in stammer.

(British accent): Enjoys
tea with her family?

Who could enjoy anything
with those stuffy bores?

Crap. Mom and Dad
still look mad.

Give it a second.

I think we're almost
at the romantic part.

Are you guys seeing all
these Whoppers on the floor?

I'm gonna pick 'em up
just to throw them away.

I, um, hope you enjoyed
the, uh, uh, tour,

Your Highness.

- (gasps) Shh!
- Aha!

I knew you were the princess!

(whispering): How did
you know it was me?

I recognized your, um, famously,

uh, slightly large nose.

It's a fake one.
It's my disguise.

Oh! Oh, my God.
I'm-I'm so sorry.

(laughs) I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

It's my own nose. S
ee? Look.

Honk-honk. (laughs)

I love this.

I-I just wanted one normal day

outside the palace.
Please don't tell anyone.

It's a, um, uh, uh, deal.

- Brilliant. Brilliant.
- Brilliant. Brilliant.

- Brilliant.
- Brilliant.

- Brilliant. -Brilliant.
- Here it comes.

Bring us home, Rom-com.

- Wha...? What's going on?
- What the hell?

That's it? Rom-com,
thank you, Mom?

No, kids, the movie's not over.

There must be
some kind of problem.

Uh, hi, everyone.

It seems we have a small
fire, popcorn-related.

Anyway, since I'm not
allowed to scream "fire"

in a crowded theater,
I'll just say it calmly.

Fire.

(muttering): Mm, stupid...

(muttering): Of course there's a fire...

Well, that was a bust.

At least we got a
voucher for a free movie.

No, I mean it was a bust
because we need the movie

to soften them up,
remember?

What are you kids
talking about?

Yeah. What's with all the
sister-whisper back there?

We were just talking about
what a super romantic ending

that movie probably had.

And, uh... Gene is gonna
tell you all about it.

Yeah. Sure.

Here's... what happens.

The queen finds out that
her daughter, the princess,

whose name is... Paula... McCartney...

- Paula McCartney?
- Yep. Princess Paula McCartney.

- Good, good. Moving on.
- Has escaped the palace!

- And the queen's like...
- Boy, am I mad

at my slightly
big-nosed daughter.

I'm the queen!

So she calls for her best beefeater
to track down the princess.

- He says...
- Righty-O.

I'll just finish up
this spot of beef,

and I'll have a looky
for her royal heinie.

So the Princess Paula
McCartney and the tour guide

are being chased through
the streets, but they still

had time to bond
and be charming.

By the way, we haven't
been properly introduced.

My name is Scott...
Jon... Dan... Steve.

Wait. What?
That's his name?

Yeah. The character's name...
Scottjon Dansteve.

Oh.

- Well, Mr. Dansteve...
- Please call me Scottjon.

Move over. I'm driving.

GENE: Scottjon Dansteve decides

to call his best mate for some help,

a soccer hooligan named...

Johnny Nottinghill!

- GENE: Johnny's like...
- I'm watching footie

on the telly in the
pubby where the beer is.

You coming down or not, Scottjon?

No! But I do need your help!

GENE: Meanwhile, the beefeater
is gaining on the bus.

Just as he's closing in,
he's bombarded by soccer balls!

From... guess who.

- LINDA: The hooligan!
- That's right! Johnny Hooligan!

LINDA: I thought his name
was Johnny Nottinghill.

GENE: Right. Shush. The
beefeater jumps on the bus,

- and he's like...
- Princess Paula McCartney,

there's an exploding scone
somewhere on this bus.

If the bus goes under 50 miles
per hour, it will explode.

Don't English people say "kilograms"?

- Kilometers.
- Actually, no, they use miles.

- We studied it in school.
- Nerd.

- What?
- Oh, okay.

(sighs) If the bus goes
under 50 miles per hour,

it will explode!

I guess you could say
we're in a bit of a jam.

'Cause of the scone.

So, wait. There's an
exploding scone on the bus?

Is that...? Wh-Why?

Do you not know how scones work?
They're incredibly dense!

There's all kinds of scones,
Bob.

I know there are all
kinds of scones, Lin.

I'm just saying,
why is it on a bus?

There can't be a scone
on a bus? God!

Forget it. You're right. Fine.

Well, at least they're
actually talking now.

Yeah, but they're
still fighting.

We got to soften them up
more than this

before we get home and
they see the broken bed.

Gene, try to put some
romance in your story.

Got it. Anyway...

the beefeater tells Scottjon

and Princess Paula
McCartney that the person

who planted the scone was
none other than... Big Ben.

- I should have known.
- Who's Big Ben?

My arch-rival.
He's always been jealous

that I'm the best
tour guide in the city.

Now he's found
a way to destroy me...

and everything I love.

Are you talking about the bus?

Yes. And you.

- Watch out for that tube!
- GENE: Princess Paula McCartney

- looks up to see...
- (gasps)

that they are headed
right into a giant tube!

(all screaming)

Gene, you know the London Tube
isn't an actual tube, right?

And also, Big Ben is
a clock, not a person.

- Okay, Professor Dumbledore.
- Hmm.

GENE: They miss the tube just barely,

but they still don't know how

they're going to get off that bus!

What are we going to do, Scottjon?

I have an idea. Turn left up here

where David Bowie and Mick
Jagger danced in the street.

Then turn right up here where
Sir Ian McKellen once farted.

Wow. You really are the
best tour guide in the city.

- Look out!
- (gasps)

GENE: They're headed
straight for a giant pile

of dirty laundry.

- (shrieks)
- GENE: Big Ben had

strategically placed piles

of dirty laundry all around the city,

making it almost impossible to drive.

Piles of dirty laundry?

Are you talking about
the movie or... or me?

Sometimes stories are so
universal, it feels like

- they're speaking directly to all of us.
- Mm.

GENE: Scottjon Dansteve

and Princess Paula
McCartney find themselves

headed straight for...
the London Bridge,

which everyone knows
is falling down,

because there's a hit song about it.

Um, I think you mean Tower Bridge.

That's the famous one, but whatever.

Don't bridge-splain me, Father!

This was your idea,
Scottjon? The Tower Bridge?

I didn't realize there was
a gap in the middle of it!

(sighs) You know what we have to
do, right?

Yes.

Uh, let me guess.
Does she say, "Mind the gap"?

Nuh. I don't know what that is.

Mind the gap.
It's-it's what they say on the...

Are you saying "mine" or "mind"?

- Mind.
- Why would you mind a gap?

- You... don't worry about it.
- As I was saying...

You know
what we have to do, right?

Yes. Jump the gap.

That's exactly right.
We have to jump the gap.

- BOB: Oh, my God.
- GENE: Reminiscent of, but not at all

plagiarizing Speed, the
bus launches off the bridge.

(all screaming)

- (whoops)
- We did it!

GENE: They make the jump,

but
dot-dot-dot...

The bus's brakes don't work.

GENE: Luckily,
at the end of the road

was a giant pile of...
broken beds.

The bed factory! Of course.

Maybe we can use them
to absorb the impact.

Yes. Broken beds are
incredibly good and great.

GENE: The bus slams into
the pile of broken beds.

The princess and Scottjon ride
the beefeater out of the bus

as if he was a toboggan,

- just as the scone explodes...
- (screaming)

and dirty piles of
laundry fly everywhere!

On the ground, they
lie on the beefeater,

being super romantic,
and he's cool with it.

Let's get married, have kids
and never, ever get mad at them.

GENE: The princess is like...

- Yep!
- GENE: And they kiss.

And that's the movie.

The end. Roll credits.

What are you feeling?
What are you thinking?

Wow. I don't know about you
guys, but I need a moment.

Mom, Dad, you guys must be feeling
pretty Valentine-y now, huh?

Uh, what was the deal
with the broken beds?

- Why were they there?
- Beds break, okay?

- It's part of life. Grow up.
- Whoa. Okay, Tina.

Well, thank you for
finishing it for us, Gene.

- It was... it was very exciting.
- Yeah.

Too bad life isn't like a
movie and people disappoint you.

Mm-hmm, yeah, and
sometimes people are clumsy,

and they trip on things that
are perfectly fine to be there.

- (Linda scoffs)
- Um, actually, I-I don't think.

Gene finished the movie.

Uh, I-I mean, great start,
but, uh, there's more.

Scottjon Dansteve and
Princess Paula McCartney

survive the exploding scone,

but that's just the
beginning of their problems.

They're kissing like crazy
on top of the beefeater,

but he's got something
to tell them. He says...

Beg your pardon, Your Highness.
I've been sent to remind you

that you're expected to attend
the royal wedding this evening.

I completely forgot. Wait.

Scottjon, why don't you come
as my date to this silly affair?

Uh, I-I'd love to.
Uh, the-the problem is,

only nobility and fancy people
can attend a royal wedding.

I'm just a humble commoner.

Well, then let's get noble.

- Nobility makeover!
- Yay.

TINA: Princess Paula
McCartney gets to work

teaching Scottjon Dansteve how to fit in

with fancy royal people.

First, she teaches him how
to cross his legs at the knee.

Then at the thigh, then at the butt.

Let's practice that one more
time, just the... butt thing.

Once more. And again.

Once more, please. Again.

- Oh, all right, Tina. We get it.
- And after all that preparation,

there was only one thing left to do:

teach Scottjon Dansteve
how to speak.

Scottjon, my dear, you know
I love your charming stammer,

but it simply will not do.

At least, not tonight when
you're giving your speech.

Speech? Um, uh, w-well,

I-I don't even know
whose wedding this is.

It's mine. I'm betrothed
to the Duke of Douchebury,

and I need a nobleman

to object to the marriage,
or I'm stuck with him.

TINA: If Scottjon Dansteve wants to be

with Princess Paula McCartney,

he has to give a speech
in front of the queen

without stammering.

Princess Paula McCartney,
I will not let you...

- um, uh, uh, down.
- That's crap, isn't it?

I can't believe Princess
Paula McCartney has to marry

the horrible Duke of Douchebury.

Oh, uh, hold on a minute, Lin.

You don't know anything
about this guy.

Just because his name is
Douchebury

doesn't mean he's a...
Wait a minute, never mind.

I-I don't know
why I'm saying anything.

(whispers): Go on with your story, Tina,

and do even more of
that lovey-dovey stuff.

On it. The royal wedding
was to be a river wedding

on board a cruise liner.

Ooh, a cruise liner. Fancy.

TINA: All the guests stroll down

to the docks, including
Scottjon Dansteve,

who now looks
as noble as the next guy.

He passes by his mate Johnny Nottinghill

outside the pubby.
Johnny Nottinghill's like,

"Hey, Scottjon, you want
to watch footie with me?"

Shh! I'm off to ruin
a, um, a-a posh wedding.

TINA: On the cruise liner,
the wedding gets underway,

and the queen herself is in attendance.

And she's waving, and she's waving.

When it comes time to ask if anyone

has any objections,
Scottjon Dansteve stands up.

- I object!
- TINA: The crowd gasps.

And the vicar says, "Right, then."

"Clearly by the way you
cross your legs at your butt

"even while you're standing,
you are of noble birth.

Please smoothly orate to us
the reason for your objection."

I object for the reason that...

um, that, uh...

Wh... uh, eh, wh... um...

TINA: But just then a huge boom
jolts the entire cruise liner.

Seamen spill out all over the deck.

Tina! Oh, wait. You mean sailors.

- Never mind. Go on.
- Wait, what?

- What did you think I meant?
- Nothing, nothing.

- It's fine. You're fine.
- Anyway,

there's a ton of seamen
all over the place.

- BOB: Oh, my God.
- TINA: One of them screams,

"It's a giant pile of dirty clothes

"floating in the river. Evacuate!

We've hit a laundry-berg!"

(gasps) A laundry-berg? No!

A laundry-berg? Really?

- That's what sunk the ship?
- Well, if you must know, Dad,

what really sunk the
ship was human arrogance.

Hmm.

TINA: Everyone starts
jumping into the water

as the ship sinks.

Luckily, floating nearby,
Princess Paula McCartney

finds a broken bed.

Thank God for this broken bed.

Broken beds are way
better than non-broken beds.

BOB: Wait, what's with
all the broken beds?

TINA: I know, right? It
probably means something cool.

Anyway, Scottjon Dansteve
stayed by the princess's side.

I'm here, Princess, and, uh, uh...

and I will never leave you.

TINA: Just then, a dinghy floats by

with the Duke of
Douchebury. He's like...

I knew I heard you stammering before.

You're a commoner.

Other dinghies full of royals float by,

and they start murmuring again.

Now, listen here, all of you.

Yes, this man is a commoner.

And yes, he's quite unkempt.

And yes, he probably has
to flush his own toilet.

And yes, he may be loaded with diseases

like rotten legs, pub penis,
ordinary skin syndrome...

- Uh, um...
- Sorry, sorry. My point is...

- Oh, oh! Wave!
- TINA: But at that moment,

a huge wave crashes on top of them,

sending Scottjon
Dansteve down the river.

No!

So, wait, there's a wave? In a river?

Oh, an exploding scone on a bus is fine,

but there can't be a wave in a river?

I'm just saying,
rivers don't have waves.

- Yeah, but the scone.
- Forget about the scone, Bob.

I can't forget about the scone, Lin!

TINA: And though their
love will live on forever,

that's the last time
Princess Paula McCartney

ever sees Scottjon
Dansteve, 'cause he's dead.

Eventually, she moves to America,

has eight kids who she never
gets mad at, and grows old.

- (grunts)
- But every time she trips over a pile

of dirty laundry, she thinks of him.

The end.

Wait, what? That's the end?

Yeah, basically. Um,
anyway, what do you think?

It has everything, right?
Tragedy? Action? Passion?

Huh. I guess. Kinda.

I mean, I'm glad you finished it.

Also, it's perfect
timing, 'cause we're home.

Everyone go up.
I'll park the car.

Well, some Valentine's Day
that was.

Oh, God. We're back at
the scene of the crime,

and they're still in a bad mood.

We're gonna get grounded so hard.

I can't take it, man.
I can't take it.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, wait! Hold on.

We can't get out of the car yet.

- There's more to the movie.
- There is?

Yes. Gene and Tina forgot to tell you

the super exciting, crazy dramatic,

ultra-romantic finale
after the finale.

Uh, Louise, can you just
tell us when we get upstairs?

Or maybe just write it down
somewhere?

I have to tell you
before we go in the house.

It's super quick.

Let's all park the car together,

and we'll just let her
tell us, right, Bob?

(sighs) All right.

- Let's hear it.
- So, after being

tossed around in the
river, Scottjon Dansteve

washes up, coughing.

Turns out he's not dead, Tina,

- and he's happy to be alive.
- I'm alive.

LOUISE: But he's sad that he lost

his Princess Paula McCartney

to the Duke of Douchebury.

Luckily, he's really close to home,

which is a flat above
an English muffin shop,

which, if you're in England,
is just called a muffin shop.

He lived there
with his hooligan mate,

Johnny Nottinghill.

And it wasn't a great flat.

Pretty crappy, actually,

and full of little
piles of dirty laundry.

- I knew it.
- All right, Johnny,

- let's watch some footie.
- LOUISE: Suddenly,

there's a sound behind
him. He turns around.

Princess Paula McCartney is standing

in the doorway of his flat.

- Honk, honk.
- Princess Paula McCartney.

Hello, Scottjon Dansteve.

Oh, um, sorry. Uh, can I introduce you

to Johnny Something-face.

LOUISE: Johnny's like,
"Ello. Football to ya."

Scottjon, look, I was scared
of what my family would think,

but I realize now that it's all rubbish.

I'm just a girl standing
in front of a tour guide

next to his football friend
above an English muffin shop,

which is just a muffin shop,

holding in a toot, asking him to...

LOUISE: Just then, she
trips over something.

Scottjon, I've just tripped
over your pile of dirty laundry.

Oh, um, sorry.

Uh, perhaps just, uh,
walk around it?

"Just walk around it"?

Don't you have your own piles
of dirty laundry at the palace?

Yes, but perhaps you
could simply move it.

Or we could, um, ignore it?

Which I find equally romantic.

(exhales) If that's what you
fancy as romance, Scottjon,

then I want no part of it.

On a scale of one to Sir Michael Bolton,

I consider this... this.

LOUISE: It's the dumbest
argument ever.

But as they fight, something
strange starts to happen.

Piles of laundry

begin to rise up and swirl around them.

Scottjon and Princess Paula McCartney

are so wrapped up in their
argument that they don't see

that the laundry piles
have formed a twister

the size of a building.

So, it's a supernatural
twister of... laundry.

LOUISE: You know what?
You're right. Not believable.

Anyway, some other stuff happens.

You don't want to hear it.
Long day. We're home. The end.

Wait, wait, wait.
You can't stop there.

They end up together, right?

W-We do want to hear it.
Just tell us how it ends.

- Tell us.
- Okay, fine.

Scottjon and Princess Paula McCartney

don't realize that all their
negative energy is creating

a-a-a...

a laundry-nado!

GENE: Oh, laundry-Na-do you didn't.

Scottjon Dansteve and Princess
Paula McCartney's argument

threatens the whole town,
but they have no idea.

They're too busy
arguing like dumb idiots.

Like dumb, stupid, arguing idiots.

Okay, take it easy, Louise.

- SCOTTJON: Argue. Argue.
- PAULA: Argue.

- Argue, argue. Argue.
- Argue, argue. Argue.

LOUISE: A bed from the flat

is whipped up into the sky

and snapped like a twig.

BOB: Uh, let me guess.

Does the broken bed
somehow fix all of this?

No, it doesn't.

This time, not even a
broken bed could save them.

Although, that's a really good guess,

because broken beds
usually are great.

But no. They realize
that the laundry-nado

is making a noise.

LAUNDRY-NADO (booming voice): Sorry!

I-I think it's apologizing to us.

Uh, oh, okay. Apology accepted.

LAUNDRY-NADO: Not me! You!

You say sorry!

Geez.

LOUISE: In order to save the town,

Scottjon Dansteve and
Princess Paula McCartney

would have to do the unthinkable.

They would have to...
apologize to each other.

Oh. That's... a plot twist.

Does Scottjon apologize first?

'Cause he... should.

I've never seen this movie before,

but it feels like
Princess Paula McCartney

would probably apologize first.

Ugh. As long as the two lovers

refuse to say a simple
"I'm sorry" to each other,

the laundry-nado continues
to rip the town apart.

First the London Bridge falls down,

- which we all saw coming.
- BOB: Tower Bridge.

LOUISE: Then the royal
palace is wiped out.

And then Big Ben is swooped
up, the clock and the guy.

Finally, realizing
they're both being stupid,

stupid morons,
Scottjon Dansteve

and Princess Paula
McCartney agree to apologize

at the exact same time.

- One, two, three.
- One, two, three.

I'm sorry I got so angry
about the pile of laundry.

I was a real wanker
about the whole thing.

- I was just embarrassed
- I was just hoping

- about my dodgy flat.
- we could have a nice day

- I felt bad that you tripped
- together after my royal wedding

- on my dirty laundry.
- and the whole exploding scone thing.

LOUISE: The laundry-nado
immediately goes away.

Everything falls to the ground.

Scottjon and the princess

realize they're holding hands.

There's music and stuff.

Cut to Westminster Abbey
Road. I think that's a place.

They get married there.

As a wedding gift,
the queen gives them

a brand-new royal bed.
She says...

It was surprisingly affordable.

In fact, everyone should get
a new bed every once in a while

since they break pretty easily.

Then they have 15 kids,
who they never get mad at,

and they live happily ever after,

and that's how the movie ends.

Fade to black. Roll credits.

Lin, I-I want to say something.

No, Bob. Let me say it first.

- I'm sorry.
- I'm sorry.

No, you don't need to apologize.

I was the one who was
acting like a jerk.

Yeah, but I could have
been nicer about it.

So, is everyone feeling
less crappy, then?

Aw, my babies.

That was my favorite
movie I've never seen.

Yeah, it was pretty good.

- Are you crying, Dad?
- No. I...

My, uh, my ch-cheeks are
just sweaty.

Oh, Bobby.

I guess you could kind of say we
saved your Valentine's Day, huh?

Yeah, I guess you did.

By the way, can I sleep
in your bed tonight?

- Uh, wait. Why?
- Why?

Because we broke Gene's
bed jumping on it,

and now you probably
have to buy him a new one.

(laughs) Happy Valentine's Day.
Love you, guys. Bye.

TINA: Run, run, run!

Oh, my God.

? Jumping on the bed ?

? Jumping on the bed ?

? Don't fall and hit your head ?

? When you're jumping on the bed ?

? Jumping on the bed ?

? Jumping on the bed ?

? Don't fall and hit your head ?

? When you're jumping on the bed ?

? Jumping on the bed ?

? Jumping on the bed ?

? Don't fall... ?

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