Original subtitles

Tina, quick, Rorschach test, go.

Um, Greg Kinnear from As Good as It Gets?

Yes, wow.

Shh, shh, I'm on the phone with the bank.

Okay, so bounce the check to the power company,

bounce the check to the relish guy,

but make sure the beef supplier goes through.

Without beef, the whole system falls apart.

(laughing): Yeah, at least my bedroom beef supply is free.

Yeah.

Sheesh.

Thanks, Marci.

You're a lifesaver.

I'll talk to you later, honey.

God, I can't believe we're doing controlled bounces,

and I can't believe you talk that way to the bank.

Oh, what, with Marci?

It's okay. We don't have any secrets.

You know, her husband had to get recircumcised last year.

The first one grew back.

They don't grow back. Somehow it did.

They had to have an adult "brisk"; it was freaky.

It's not a brisk; it's a bris.

All this brisket talk is making me hungry.

And why do you do the books this way? Your system is crazy.

It's the only way to keep our heads above water, my love.

Well, then, we've got to find a way to cut down on expenses.

What can we live without?

Uh, probably Gene and Tina. That's a good start.

Huh, well, it makes the things

I was gonna cut irrelevant.

Good.

You know what? I could get a part-time job.

Huh, what?

No, Lin, it hasn't come to that yet.

Yeah, you're right.

Hey, maybe I'll start shopping

at that Fresh Feed place up the street.

I hear it's really cheap.

Oh, yeah, that's good.

They have those peanut butter mini donuts.

I prefer the yogurt-covered peanut butter mini donuts,

but, hey, I have a refined palette.

Refined? You lick your own armpits.

They're naturally spicy.

"People go nuts for our nuts."

(laughs) What a hoot. I love it.

"In a hurry for some curry?"

Hmm, kind of.

Mmm... mmm... mmm.

Hey, buddy, one sample per customer.

A serving size is four mini egg rolls.

Therefore, four pieces equals one sample.

Good day, sir.

(growls)

I think there's someone behind the milk.

Maybe it's a dairy fairy.

Or a stalker watching our every move

with their creepy frozen eyes.

Hi.

Look at these crazy low prices.

Excuse me, Greg.

Uh, hi, Greg.

Yeah, can you tell me where the wine is?

Ah, the grown-up grape juice.

Come with me to our vineyard.

Ooh, wine in a squeeze bottle.

Fun. (disco music playing)

Oh. Huh?

It's time for a disco minute.

How long's it last?

A minute.

It must be great working here.

Yup, we have fun.

It's kind of our thing.

I love it when a place has a thing.

And the hours are flexible,

which is fantastic for someone like me.

You never know when the perfect breeze

is going to blow. Huh?

I'm a semipro kite pilot.

A what? I don't understand.

What part do you not understand?

The words-- I don't understand them.

I'm a kite pilot.

Kite pilot.

Mm-hmm, my babies.

Okay.

Wow, that's great.

So there's flexible hours here, huh?

Hey, did this just become a job interview?

You interested?

Me? What? No.

No, I don't know, I couldn't-- no...

Guess who got a job at Fresh Feed.

Check it out.

That's what Mom will be doing at the checkout.

Yeah, paper or plastic, Mom?

Am I right? All right.

What, you got a job?

But it hasn't come to that yet, remember?

I think what Mom's trying to say is:

"Take this job and shove it, Bob!"

Yeah, I'm bringing home the bacon now. (laughs)

Oh, I forgot to get bacon.

We have to go back! (panting)

Lin, you really, uh, leapt out of bed this morning.

I couldn't wait!

Oh, I'm so freaking excited about my first day on the job!

Yeah, I heard you the first time,

when you were singing in the shower.

? I'm so freaking excited

? About my first day on the job. ?

Yeah! Ow, ow! Soap in my eye!

You finally got out, Mom. Don't look back.

It's only part-time. Don't be so dramatic.

It's just something I'm doing to save the family.

No big deal.

Hey, Greg! Hey, Linda.

Show me around. Give me the tour.

Okay. A little pushy there.

Ooh, is that a water cooler?

Oh, God, I'm gonna be gossiping around

a real water cooler like on TV!

I love it. Aw...

This is the bread aisle. There's Mitch.

He's in a Steve Miller Band cover band.

Hey, does anyone call you the Space Cowboy?

Yeah, but right now I'm the Gangster of Loaves.

Ooh...

Good one, Mitch! They get funnier every time.

It's a little buggy in produce.

Yeah, turns out flies like fruit.

Thanks for pointing that out, though.

MORT: How you gonna get by without Linda, Bob?

She's only working part-time. I'll be fine.

Did Linda show you how to work the thermostat?

It's the same as it always is.

No.

Linda accounts for outside temperature, grill temperature,

the number of customers in here.

Linda can play that thermostat like a violin.

Now that you mention it, I do feel a little shvitzy.

Oh, me, too. Shirt's coming off.

Fine, I'll turn it down.

That's not how Linda does it, Bobby.

You overshot it. Now we're all gonna freeze.

What are you talking about?

I moved it, like, two degrees, Teddy.

Two degrees is everything.

Two degrees killed the dinosaurs!

Fine! I'll move it back!

Too far again.

(groans) That's got to come off! Aah!

We're gonna start you off nice and easy today.

On the ten-items- or-less register.

If they have 11, ban 'em or scan 'em.

Your call.

Oh, my call! Okay. I'm in charge.

To a point.

Excuse me, did someone lose a monkey?

(both chuckle)

You're gonna do just fine here.

Hey, with Linda gone,

we can get into some raunchy locker room talk.

Hey, let's describe our testicles with a movie title.

(laughs) BOB: What?

The Wild Bunch!

Wait a minute. What are we doing?

One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.

(laughs) You have one testicle?

You knew that. (door opens)

Hey, Bob. Whoa. It's warm in here.

Yes, I know, Mike. Thanks.

Linda got a part-time job.

Teddy, you're looking good.

Uh... I don't know.

You got a lot of bills here.

It's all bills.

You guys should pay your bills.

Mike's smart. Yup.

Hey, we're doing locker room talk.

Tell us about your testicles. Good-bye.

? Linda stocked corn and she don't care ?

? Linda stocked corn and she don't care ?

? Linda stocked corn and she don't care... ?

? 'Cause she's also got diced tomatoes. ? Whoo!

Hey nice cans, lady.

Kids! You came to see Mommy at her new job?

Come on. I'll introduce my home family

to my new work family.

Hey, Jamie, these are my kids.

Kids, this is your new brother, Jamie.

Hey, what's up?

Go ahead with the tour, Mother.

I'm going to visit with James.

That's right, I'm part of the Fresh Feed family now,

so don't bother with the toothpicks.

They just slow me down.

(gobbling loudly)

Who wants a balloon?

Actually, I would like many balloons.

I'm gonna do something I should've done years ago.

I was hoping you could take me

on a tour of the dairy fridge.

Oh, yeah. Sure, honey. Yeah. Come on.

(humming)

Ooh! Go! Be free!

You'll float for a few days!

Maybe a week. Who knows?

But you'll live. You'll live!

Wow. It's like I'm backstage at a Broadway show...

about people who buy milk.

Ooh, I'd see that show-- sort of.

Hey, Linda, grab a mop, will you?

Aisle three's got a spill-a-roosh.

Will do-a-roosh. That's fun.

Okay, I'll be right back, honey.

No hurry.

What if I put that hand on that arm?

And those hips on those legs?

Come on, Tina, don't play God. It's dangerous.

Oh, that hand is so handsome.

BOY: What? What?

Is someone back there? Maybe. How'd you hurt your finger?

My turtle bit me. Oh, no.

Ah, I was being a jerk. He was just being a turtle.

How old are you?

I'm, um...

How old are you? Uh, you first.

We'll say it at the same time. One, two...

BOTH: Twenty-five.

BOTH: Really?

No, 13. No, 14.

Cool!

So... you like chocolate milk?

Yes. No.

But... yes.

You sound complicated.

Well, I like it, but my body doesn't like it.

So I'm trying to train my body to like it.

You're brave.

No. I'm lactose intolerant.

(sighs) Labels. (phone buzzes)

Ah. Mom's texting me. I got to go.

Wait! What's your name? Or number? Or measurements?

He's gone...

(sniffs) but not forgotten.

I'm going to use this to find him.

I'm looking for a boy with a turtle bite

on his index finger.

Isn't every woman?

So, did, uh... did your mom mention

anything about missing the restaurant?

No, she seems happy at Fresh Feed.

But maybe I just think that

because she kept saying how happy she is.

Let her live a little, Dad.

She's only been off leash one day.

Yeah, give the woman some breathing room,

needy-saurus rex.

? Look at me

? I'm wrangling these carts on my own ?

? Look at me

? I'm chopping up this lettuce alone ?

? I'm at work

? And you can hear me sing

BOTH: ? This is working, this is working ?

(humming)

? Grind, grind, grind, grind ? ? Look at me

? I'm sitting in this thing ? ? Grind, grind, grind, grind ?

? Grind, grind, grind, grind ? ? Is it on?

? La la la la la ? Look at me

? I've barely even noticed that she's gone ? ? La la la la la

? Mommy is a-working ? Someone threw up

? In the bathroom sink ? You can hear me sing

BOTH: ? This is working, this is working. ?

Kids, listen. Your mom...

she wants to be here, right?

Oh, yeah. Of course. Yeah, sure.

It's so great here.

Uh, yeah, I think so.

Hello, my family. Oh, God, it's hot.

Guess who aced her first performance review!

Listen, Lin, uh, I want to say something.

Are you gonna say

that I got all A's on my report card?

In all Fresh Feed areas?

Report cards at work? Really?

Yeah, I aced my first week. They want me to go full-time.

Shift manager.

You're not gonna take it, right?

No, it's just nice that they appreciate me there.

That's all. Oh, come on, Lin.

You're feeling underappreciated here?

A little bit.

What, do you want me

to give you a performance review?

That would be a nice start, Bob.

(laughing): Hold on, hold on, let me get comfy.

And... evaluate your wife.

Okay. Uh, Linda, you clean the bathroom well.

Okay. And you know how

to restock a napkin dispenser. All right.

But you're on the phone sometimes when you shouldn't be.

Ooh.

And you don't wear a hairnet

and you hair falls out a lot.

What?!

And you're always sneaking pickles!

But you are, um... Come on, Dad.

You've got this, Dad.

You're sometimes friendly to people.

Oh! Mom, huh?! Yeah.

That's nice. Not enjoying this.

Uh, but you're... Anything else?

...your hands are often dirty.

So, you get an eight out of ten.

Well, maybe a 7.5. What?!

No, eight. Definitely an eight out of ten.

Eight out of ten?! Well, Fresh Feed loves me!

They gave me a locker. A locker, Bob!

Maybe I should go full-time!

Great. Have fun with your locker and your report cards

and your Steve Miller Band cover bands.

They have a name! The Abracadabblers.

I will have fun! Because it's fun there!

Then go ahead, Lin.

If you don't want to be here, then don't be here!

We'll be fine without you! Okay, I will!

I'm a full-time Fresh Feeder!

And here's a review for you!

(blowing raspberries)

Uh, Dad's gonna need your gun and your badge, too, Mom.

I get her apron because it still smells like her and I like it

because I'm 11 and I still like Mom.

(blowing raspberries)

Okay, kids, I'll see you tonight.

I'm working a full day today.

Bye, Mom. I'll probably see you later

when I swing by to hang out in the milk fridge.

Sorry, kids. You can't go to Fresh Feed.

I need you here.

No!

Your father's right, my babies.

You better stay here.

'Cause he's a disaster without me.

No, I'm not.

I'm kidding. You're not.

No...

Yes, you are! BOB: I didn't...

I... (grunts)

All right, Linda,

here are the keys to the kingdom.

Oof. Ten pounds of keys.

Ten pounds of fun!

You all set for your first day as shift manager?

You bet! I've got my shift together.

Great! If you need me, I'll be in Bog Harbor

with my fellow kiters.

And I just mighters see you tonighters.

Hey, Greg, go fly a kite.

(laughs) I'm kidding. That's what he does.

That's his hobby. Uh, I need quarters.

I'll just use my manager key. 'Cause I'm the manager.

(disco music starts playing over the PA)

Oh, disco minute!

(g nting)

Hey, Linda, I'm supposed to be writing funny signs,

but I'm just not feeling it.

You think I could switch to the frozen aisle?

Uh, okay. What do you say

we take a look at the shift board, huh?

Shift board, shift board... where are you?

There you go. Okay, I'll, uh...

you know what, I'll just take care of it.

MITCH: Ah, thanks, Linda.

You rock. Oh, hey,

nobody ever said I rock at my old job,

and I was sleeping with the boss. (laughs)

Oh, no, you must be bad at sex.

Same boat. Keep trying.

Hey, Linda, I need to pick up my kids

at school or something.

Can I cut out for the day?

Of course! Family first, right?

Also, I think I'm gonna be sick tomorrow.

Huh? What?

Nothing. I'll call you tomorrow.

(sighs) How can I find my dream boy

if I can't find him?

Hey, buck up, little fella.

This guy is findable.

Let's post this "missed connections" flyer around town.

"Me: a freak in the fridge.

"You: a freak with a freaked-up finger.

"If you want to see where this can go,

"come to Bob's Burgers Wednesday between 3:00 and 5:00 p.m.

Freak to be you and me?"

It's perfect.

Okay, let's hang these up.

You sure you don't want to add "dead or alive"?

Ooh, good point. Just so we're clear,

you want the whole boy or just his hand?

TINA: Whatever I can get.

(groans) Jamie!

Oh, thank God you're here.

Listen, grab these shopping carts.

I need to jump on a register.

Is it cool if I grab a nap instead?

I just ate a meat loaf and drank a beer,

and I am wiped out.

Grab a nap? No!

MITCH: Manager Linda?

We got a shipment in the delivery bay.

You need to sign. Whoo, whoo!

Okay, I'm coming, coming. No nap!

Just a little one. No nap!

Just a little rest for the eyes.

See you in 20. No nap!

TINA: I'll find you.

Until then, avoid infection.

?

Hey, Linda, cover for me?

I got to fly like an eagle out of here

for a Steve Miller Band cover band rehearsal.

Time keeps on slippin', slippin', slippin'.

Well, I'm sorry, sorry, sorry, but I can't

because I'm covering for someone... (gags)

Thanks!

(glass breaking)

Did I give everyone the day off?

Oh, God, I got to call Greg.

Yeah!

(phone buzzes)

(phone rings) Bob's Burgers.

This is Tina. Are you him?

Tina, sweetie!

Uh, you want to come hang out with Mommy?

There's yummy samples.

You're allowing us back at Fresh Feed?

Can I go in the milk fridge? Yeah. Yeah, sure.

Yeah, the milk fridge. You can restock and...

You're all out of shopping carts.

Well, then just buy what you can hold, honey!

Oh, and, uh... bring your brother and sister.

I love them.

? This is working, this is working... ?

GENE: Hey, Mom.

Where's this new batch of samples?

Are they savory or are they crave-ory?

Oh, forget about the samples.

You get to help Mommy bag, okay?

Ah, man. You tricked us.

If we wanted to work, we would have just stayed home.

Yeah, if we lived here,

we'd be at work by now.

I'll help in the dairy fridge.

Louise, uh...

grab that pricing gun and-and price those tuna cans.

$1.29. Okay, come on, here we go.

All I heard was "grab that pricing gun."

Hey, Dmitri. My check bounced?

Uh, you know, we're a little strapped this week.

Is it okay if we get it to you next week?

Little strapped?

Bob, you said you were, like, double overdrawn.

Little strapped!

Teddy, shush! Shh, yeah, right.

(dial tone) Oh, he hung up.

Guess that means no meat, huh?

Big day for fries. Right?

(sighs) Linda has this crazy system for our finances.

I forgot to make the deposit,

and we got checks out all over the place.

Including the power company.

Doesn't matter. You don't have any food.

You know, this kind of makes me want to loot you.

What? Never mind.

This isn't working.

I'm gonna go get Linda. I'm closing.

You got to go, Teddy. What? Why?

It's dark. There's no food.

There's nothing here for you.

That's okay. Go on! Scat!

Bob-a-do, bob-a-do, bob-a-do, bop bop bop...

No, not...I mean... Scatty batty batty boop bop...

I meant "go," not "scat."

Go! Go! No!

Where am I supposed to go?

Shoo! (groans)

Get out, Teddy! (growls)

Aah! Aah! (growls)

Get out! So I should go?

LINDA: H-How are you?

Nice day? Find everything all right?

Good, good. Okay.

Fresh Feed? More like Long Wait.

Get it? Okay, here's your receipt.

Next in line! Next!

Hey, careful with the eggs, huh?

This is careful.

Want to see loosey-goosey?

Um, a pyramid of grapefruits fell on a lady.

I think she's trapped. What?

Uh, Gene, you've just been promoted to register!

Uh... My first promotion!

Watch out, glass ceiling!

What are we looking at here?

Mmm... bananas. What is that, chicken?

Let's just say 30 bucks.

30 bucks? Okay, five bucks.

Sorry. Guh.

Next!

Ooh, someone likes pasta.

(humming)

Dollar whiskey, dollar scotch,

dollar bourbon, dollar crotch.

Hey!

Great prices! Wish I still drank!

(loud chatter)

What the hell is going on here?

Gene, where's your mother?

She's... around here somewhere.

Might want to check poultry.

(people shouting, grunting)

Does this thing work?

I don't know. It's my first day here.

Linda? It's Bob.

Wh-What?

Listen, Lin, I'm sorry

I acted like I didn't need you.

Of course I need you.

I can't run the restaurant by myself.

Hey, can you ring me up?

No, I don't work here.

So, Linda, listen...

Come on. I have one item. Just take it.

Hey, this guy's letting us take stuff!

Free aisle!

All right, I'm going on break.

So, what I really want to tell you is...

you make it fun to work at the restaurant.

I'd rather be scraping by together

than have extra money and be apart.

But I understand if you want to try this new life out.

I mean... I don't really see the appeal--

it's a pretty nasty market--

but if it makes you happy, then it makes me happy.

Hey, come on. That's too much.

Oh, Bob, it's awful here.

This is just a job.

Everyone who works here just wants to leave.

I hate it, and I hate the customers.

I'm sorry. I know you people can hear me.

I just hate it.

Yeah, it's called a microphone.

She told me she hates you the most. What?

Bobby, I want to come back to the restaurant. Oh, Lin...

Meet me at register five.

I'm on my way!

Oh, Linda.

Oh, Bob.

Oh! Oof, shrimp.

(gags, coughs) It's happening!

What? Louise, what did you do?

I made it rain shrimp.

What'd you ever do?

Get underneath them! They're self-dipping!

TINA: Give up, Tina.a.

You're cold and lonely.

And you shouldn't have drank that gallon of milk.

(gasps)

Hi. I'm Tina from the fridge.

Can I see your index finger? Nothing weird.

It fits. Is it you?

Did you come back?

I did. Every day this week.

For me or the milk?

For both. I can't stop thinking about you.

I want to meet face-to-face.

I-I don't know.

What if we ruin what we have?

Shh, shh. Don't say that.

I can't reach. Here.

Shh. Thank you.

Take a chance for once in your life.

If it doesn't work out, we'll always have the milk.

I'm coming out. (grunts)

(grunts)

I'm stuck.

I know you can't see the other half of me,

but trust me, it's there.

(chanting): Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!

(sighs)

Wow.

I'm Josh. Joshua...

BOB: What's Tina doing?

Tina, stop kissing strange boys in the dairy fridge.

We're going home!

I have to go.

Here's a bunch of numbers.

They may look random, but they're my phone number.

Cool. They look like they're in a good order.

Oh, hey, Linda. (chuckles)

The strings were tight today, boy.

Everything good here?

Hi, Greg.

Thanks for taking a chance on me.

I quit, but don't let that influence hiring

other pre-middle-age mothers.

Okay, thanks, bye.

What? I...

(gasps)

GREG: Hey!

Well, I guess, now that

I don't work at Fresh Feed anymore,

we're back to scrimping and saving.

Maybe we can find other ways to make some extra money.

LOUISE: If there's one thing I know, it's that sex sells.

So all we have to do is find some sex and sell it.

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