All language subtitles for Bobs Burgers s03e12 Broadcast Wagstaff School News.eng

Lookie, lookie.

My green blazer from when I had

jury duty on Saint Patrick's Day.

What's the blazer for?

Tina's gonna wear it
at her audition tomorrow

for the school news channel.

I want to be serious newswoman,

like Holly Hunter in Broadcast News.

"It must be great being
right all the time.

No, it's terrible."

Aw.

I need to practice being
a television journalist.

Dad, can I interview you?

Um, okay.

Don't look directly
into the camera, Dad.

I got it.

So, tell me, why burgers?

Well, my dad got me started...

Do you see this as a stepping stone

- to a real restaurant?
- It... is a real restaurant.

Mm, slop shop.

Can you cook anything
other than burgers?

Yes, lots of things.

- Like?
- Like, um...

like, paella.

Paella... tell me how you make that.

Well, I'd have to look
up the recipe, but, uh...

So you don't know how to make paella?

No, I could make...

Okay, I'm confused, because a minute ago

you were an expert.

Dad needs media coaching.

Look, I randomly said "paella."

I didn't mean to.

Ah, I'm going in tight.

Bob, get off paella.

All right, interview's over.

Get that camera out of my face.

I think we got what we need.

You look amazing, sweetie.

And you're gonna look
even better on camera.

You inherited my strong chin.

Where's your strong chin, Mom?

I can't see it.

Keep looking, you'll find it.

What did I inherit from you, Mom?

You got my zest for life.

And my extra long pinky toe.

And I got your birthing hips.

Actually, Gene, you take
more after your father.

No, hips don't lie.

Look at this.

I forgot that I went
through a Judd Nelson phase.

That's your father when he was your age.

He looked just like you.

(groans) Wait, does that
mean when I'm his age,

I'm gonna look just like him?

Spoiler alert!

No!

Hey, you could do worse.

I don't see how!

At least you know your
shoulders won't go bald.

Gene, it's starting.

I found this on your pillow!

Ah! Oh, my God!

Quick, come me over! Trump me!

- Louise...
- What?

You're not going bald, Gene.

Apologize, Louise.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. (scissors snipping)

It's okay.

What's the point of clinging to this,

if I'm doomed to be that?

- Huh. I don't know.
- Lin.

Why wait? Let's do it now.

I want the whole Bob.

- Male-pattern
baldness. - Hmm.

- Stoop shoulders.
- Stop.

- Paunch.
- Please.

And the push broom on my lip.

This is incredibly insulting.

Think about how I feel.

You really let myself go.

Go to school.

- We're going.
- Bye.

Remember, kids, this is just
the student news, no pressure.

I'll only be going back frame by frame

and critiquing you on eye contact,

presentation and how cool you are.

You really want to do this?

(sighs)

Okay, first up to the green screen,

Zeke with sports.

Comin' at ya, Mr. Grant!

That game was tighter
than a tater in a tailpipe.

It was like two babies
climbin' on the same boob.

Then we lost.

Wow, Zeke, I feel like I was there.

Next up, auditioning
for field reporters,

Andy and Ollie.

Back to you, Andy.

Back to you, Ollie.

- Back to you, Andy.
- Back to you, Ollie.

If only you two were Siamese twins.

We can do that.

Oh, great! (grunting)

That'd be super helpful if
you could figure that out.

It looks like it's working.

We did it!

So sweet.

And, next up, for the
coveted anchor spot, Tammy.

Good luck, Tammy.

Uh, I was born lucky, Tina.

'Cause I was born me and not you.

And I'm a blonde now, so
I'm better than you. (scoffs)

I don't like what you say, but
I admire the way you say it.

Wow, it's Tammy with the news!

Whoo! ? News...

News.

Tam, slam, thank you, ma'am.

Next up, Tina.

Oh, hey, Tina, little tip:

You're a super fast
talker, so talk really slow.

Thanks, Tammy.

Whoa!

That's still way too fast.

Mr. Grant, I'm here because
I have a nose for news.

Great. Now about that green jacket...

I'm Tina with...

- (whispers): Tina.
- ... with... the...

(screams) Paranormal activity!

(screams)

Oh, my God, I'm anchor! Yes! Yes!

? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ?

(sings guitar riff) Whoo!

I am anchor!

I'm staff intern?

But I already had a sign-off.

"Good-bye, audience."

Well, maybe you could change it to

"Does anyone need juice?"

Does anyone need juice?

Hmm. Maybe it'll work better
when you have some juice.

So, what does the staff intern do?

Besides go on juice box runs?

Yeah. Oh, lots of things.

You know, hand out the juice,

make sure people are
happy with their juice,

clean up all the empty juice boxes.

Okay. Isn't there any other important

behind-the-scenes stuff
I could do to help?

Well, there's editing music, effects.

That stuff is a blast. Great.

But I do those.

I mean, if you did
them, what would I do?

Be the teacher?

Yeah, right, Tina, that sounds great.

I'll just teach. (sighs)

Little more off the top.

Sprinkle on the back and the ears.

A little more glue.

? Buh, buh, buh, buh

Show me, show me!

Voil�? !

It's perfect!

I've been tarred and Bobbed.

I don't know how I got that arm hair

to look so sad, but I did it.

Can I get in here? I need to...

Oh, my God!

It's like looking in a mirror!

No, it isn't, Gene. Who's Gene?

I already can't tell who's who.

Take that stuff off.

Lin, get in here and settle this!

Don't call your mother Lin.

What? Oh!

Wha... h-hey! Whoa,
travel-size Bob.

Aw.

Linda, you're encouraging him.

I need the bathroom.

Oh. Wow, this is confusing.

No, it's not.

You're my family and I love you,

but you're terrible.
You're all terrible.

- I don't say that.
- Well, that's all you say.

You do. You kind of do.

BOB and GENE: Unbelievable.

- Gene.
- Bob.

All right, enough. Enough.

I'm not doing this. Yes, you are.

No, I'm... oh, my God. Oh, God.

He's really good. He's good.

- He's not good, Lin. He's not good, Lin.
- He's good.

- Gene!
- What, Bob?!

Lin! Lin!

- What?
- Gene!

Lin! Lin!

- Gene!
- I'm leaving!

Aw, he's so cute.

Stop following me!

Stop following me in front!

Hi, Mr. Branca.

Careful, Tina. Slippery.

(gasps) Did Mrs. Persky's water break?

I may have won the baby pool.

Worse. Someone dragged in a dog turd.

And this isn't the first time, either.

You have great stories, Mr. Branca.

I ever tell you you're,
like, my best friend?

Oh. Thank you.

Look, this news show competes
for students' attention

with cell phones, gossip
and bathroom graffiti.

We need to be faster,
meaner, and graffiti-er!

So, what I'm...

I have a cran-apple,
two grapes and a bunch

of kiwi-strawberry.

Here's the crazy straw
you asked for, Zeke.

Extra crazy, just how you like it.

Could be crazier.

Now, who knows the
five W's of school news?

Oh, "who, what, where,
when and sometimes why."

Or, is that vowels?

No! They're "wow, woo-hoo,

way hot, weird and what the mmm."

Every story we do should have all five.

I got one: New kid nip slips!

Way hot, Zeke!

Oh, whose parents are poor?

Woo-hoo, Tammy! I've got one.

The custodian says someone
is tracking in dog poo.

What the huh?

Less caca, more gaga, Tina.

Anyone else?

I hear there's a
45-year-old fourth grader

with a mustache walking around school.

Now that's pretty "what the ah"!

Go with that.

ZEKE: This is WSN, the news you need

from the students you like.

In your face!

I'm Tammy Larson and these
are the breaking stories.

What's up with Brenda?

I mean, right?

Jimmy Pesto Junior previews dance moves

the principal won't
allow at winter prom.

This one's out.

Can't do this.

Forget about this one. (grunts)

I love it, but it's not news.

Now, to our top story:

Lenny Destefano... is there
enough of him to go around,

and how can we ration our passion?

Jocelyn, who's Lenny

going to the winter prom with?

No one knows. He's going out with Julie,

but he's been texting

the entire drill team and me.

And me, also. JOCELYN: Oh.

Now to Zeke with dodgeball highlights.

Thanks, Tammy!

Here's a kid getting it
in the muchachos. Ooh!

Here's another dude,
right in the Easter eggs.

Boing!

Watch this geezer
with a 'stache get his.

(grunts) It's okay, I've had my kids.

Hey, Tina, I saw the news.

Is that true about
Lenny and the drill team?

Julie deserves better.

The school deserves better news.

Well, I just got back from the library.

More shoe poopy got dragged in up there.

All the way to the reference section.

Talk about Encyclopedia Brown.

(laughs)

I... I don't get it.

Wait, that's a pretty long way to track

something in on a shoe.

I'm gonna poke around.

Something doesn't smell right.

That's this.

Oh, yeah.

So it is applesauce, but try to find it

in the sauce aisle at the supermarket.

You'll be sorely disappointed.

Anyway, I was looking for chutney.

Uh, is this a long story, Teddy?

I mean, it has been
long, but is it longer?

I haven't gotten to the story part yet.

Gene, I need you behind the counter.

Just stand here and I'll be right back.

I'm not sure I appreciate

being foisted off like this, Bob.

So, anyway, I end up

in the ethnic food section. Mm-hmm.

- It was like a whole new
world opened up. - Mm-hmm.

I bought baby food from India.

Those babies are tough.

No joke on those slices.

That's fascinating, Teddy.

Little Bob is great.

Yeah, I guess I'll keep him.

(laughs) Lin, stop.

You stop. No, stop, Lin.

No, you stop, little Bobby.

Mm-hmm, stop. Bobby, stop.

Look at you two, you're
like an old married couple.

We put up with each other.

All right, enough, Gene.

Gene, get back to the kitchen.

How could dog poop make it all the way

up two flights of stairs
and into the library

on a shoe without being wiped off?

Tele-poop-tation?

Let's experiment.

We need something

the exact same size and texture as poop.

How about Dad's burger?

It's even the same color!

Great idea.

(both making fart noises)

What the hell are you kids doing?

Walking on one of Dad's burgers

to see how much like dog doo it is.

Oh, science.

It's clean. That can
mean only one thing:

The poos must have come
from inside the school.

Which means, they're probably human!

I knew there was a story there.

We're looking at a serial pooper.

Oh, my God.

Is it you, Louise?

I've dabbled in the area,

but I don't get enough
food to be a serial pooper.

I, uh, probably only poop once a week.

I think I'll call the
culprit the Mad Pooper.

Ooh, I got a better one.

The Butt-ler. Get it?

I get it. It's got "butt" in it.

(laughs, makes fart noise) Butt.

Whatever we call him or
her, it's definitely news.

MR. GRANT: That's
toilet journalism, Tina.

We do gutter journalism.

But there's a Mad Pooper
loose in the school.

It's the job of the news
to inform the public.

It's worth it, even if
we save just one shoe.

Yuck.

Well said, Tammy.

(sighs)

The Mad Pooper story is ten times bigger

than Lenny Destefano's love life.

And less disgusting.

He'll put his lips on
anything with pom-poms.

But I can't get it out there.

WSN has a news monopoly.

So do your own newscast.

My own newscast?

You think I could do that?

Who's the one yammering
about her nose for news?

Me? Yeah, this nose right here!

Ow!

Get it sniffing! Snort
some news up there!

I can't snort 'cause
you're holding my nose.

There's gonna be lots of things

holding you back!

- Okay.
- Snort it up!

Come on, Cronkite, snort!

It's for the good of the people!

Let me know when you got something.

(girl screams)

My diorama... got diarrheaed.

I think I just snorted a story.

Dad's old camcorder,
a VCR and a videotape?

Say hello to your
state-of-the-art studio.

But, this is Gene's birth.

There's a lot of crowning stuff

that can just be taped over.

Looks like an angry softball

trying to get out of a coin purse.

Hmm, okay.

Listen, princess,

I don't even know what
you're talking about,

but you can do anything
you set your mind to.

And, no matter what,

your mother and I will always love you.

He's good.

That kid just fathered
the crap out of you.

He did... okay.

I did great.

Little preachy.

You got a lot of shine on you, Tina.

(coughing)

How did you get equal
time on the school network?

I told Principal Spoors I had

incriminating pictures of him.

Because I drew some incriminating

pictures of him.

Great, let's do this.

These halls are calm now.

But on Wednesday, it
was a different story.

I left my shoebox diorama for a minute

and someone pooped in it.

It was about the Industrial Revolution.

(crying)

Some call him the Mad Pooper.

My mom calls him the Butt-ler.

By any name, these brown thumbtacks

tell a tale of terror.

Excuse me, can I go get my medicine

at the nurse's office?

Shh. I'm watching this.

Oh. Oh, no.

Who would do such a thing?

We turn to an expert, Mr. Frond.

It's someone trying to communicate.

Likely, a foreign
- exchange student.

He or she has something inside them

they desperately want to get out.

- Rage?
- Poo.

And what do Wagstaff students think?

My message to the Mad Pooper is:

Grow up! I did.

Whoever the Mad Pooper is, he or she

is probably not finished.

And if they're not, I'm not.

In the hall, I'm Tina Belcher.

LOUISE: And we're clear.

Yes, I did it.

Take that, Tammy.

And Holly Hunter.

LOUISE: I lied, we're not clear.

Okay, now we're clear.

I'll just edit that part out.

Oh, okay, good.

?

(blowing air)

(dull splat)

Ah, damn it, we got poop-scooped!

Tina's story is all
anyone's talking about.

Tammy, what happened?

Well, you said gaga, not caca.

This caca is gaga!

Now get me that story.

I don't know how.

Do it, or I'll replace
you with the weird twins.

Back to you, Andy! Back to you, Ollie!

Whoa, okay, no, no, no! Forget it.

Hey, Tina, great Mad Pooper reporting.

Thanks.

Can I copy you like I do in math class?

Real news isn't about copying.

And you shouldn't copy me in math.

Yeah, well, you should get a tutor,

'cause I got a "C."

You got a "C"? Wait, I got a "D."

You know what? I'll do my own story.

And it'll be way better
than yours, you lame-pon.

Good, I hope it is. It will be.

Because then we'll have more information

about the Mad Pooper...

Tina, we're trash-talking;
Stop turning it into

a normal conversation.

Oh. Sorry. Um, skank?

That's much better!

Uh, I hate your new hair color.

Give it to me!

Your eye shadow is a little much.

In the face! My face!

Our top story: Is Tina the Mad Pooper?

What if actual
surveillance footage existed

showing Tina in the act?

Let's go to a reenactment
of what that footage

might look like.

She was always so quiet.
Yeah, she kept to herself.

Yeah, she did. She did.

So, did Tina create the
very story she reported on?

Mr. Grant is here to comment.

When Tina auditioned, frankly,

I was physically afraid of her ambition.

She would've done anything to get on TV.

And now, apparently, she has.

Ah. And what if WSN had an
exclusive video confession?

Me... Tina... are... Mad... Pooper.

You don't believe that

just because it was on TV, right?

Got it. Tina?

Principal's office, now.

(kids gasping, murmuring)

I didn't do it.

Follow the money.

I'll take a poop detector test.

Poop on me once, shame on you.

Poop on me twice, we're
not best friends anymore!

It's not me, it was a reenactment.

If it didn't happen, then
how could they reenact it?

Huh. Uh, yeah.

Oh, you should be a teacher
instead of secretary,

Ms. Schnur. I know.

Louise, why are you here?

Tammy didn't frame you.

Unrelated charge.

And now we wait.

At least you're guilty of something.

I got framed.

Cry to Principal
Spoors when he gets back

from the anti-smoking assembly.

(gasps) Oh, my God, the assembly!

The whole school is there.

Can you think of a better place

for the Mad Pooper to strike?

The Super Bowl, American Idol,

Westminster Dog Show,
upside-down roller coaster,

International Space Station,

yoga retreat, inside a T-shirt gun...

If I could just get out of here,

I could clear my name.

I'll take care of Ms. Schnur.

Oh, no, look, they're towing
a high-mileage, smallish car

with a bumper sticker

about a personal passion maybe?

"My other car's a cat"?

That's the one!

No!

I hope Ms. Schnur's car's okay.

Go, Tina!

Oh, yeah.

All right, missy, this better be good.

Louise, where's your sister?

Tina's not here, Gene.
Don't you sass me!

Hey, I don't even let
Dad talk to me like that.

(panting): We got here
as soon as we could.

Gene, what are you doing here?

They called me! No, they called me.

I can't believe my
daughter is the Butt-ler.

I have no daughter!

Oh, don't say that, Gene.

Yes, he should say that.

Come on, she's down at the assembly

trying to clear her name.

(sighs) Our lives were so much
simpler before the rug rats.

We use to see movies...

Lin!

Sorry, but it's true.

(applause)

Cigarettes are the real devil sticks.

Nicotine is a bad scene.

You're here somewhere, Mad Pooper.

Let's stay focused;
We got to find Tin...

Ooh, jugglers!

Hey, can I get a light?

Sure, smoke 'em if you got 'em.

This is kind of a weird message.

I really want a cigarette.

I really want to juggle.

- No sign?
- Nothing.

Oh, my God, look. The Pooper.

I need to get up there. But how?

You could use that

hydraulic scissor lift.

Perfect. I'll sneak up on him.

I'll be as quiet as a mouse.

Kelly Mathis and Jocelyn are
wearing the same scrunchie.

But Jocelyn is definitely
wearing it better.

Mr. Grant, look.

It's Tina.

What's she doing up there?

Maybe she is the Mad Pooper.

Hey, we're better than we thought.

Let's get that camera.

Yeah, catch her in the act.

On the big screen!

That's a big load of news.

Look, everyone!

It's the Mad Pooper!

(screams) Ah, it's Tina!

Tina, what are you doing? Get down!

(crowd gasps)

Oh, my God!

Come out of the shadows, Mad Pooper.

(crowd gasps)

- Zeke?
- Surprised?

Zeke's the Butt-ler!

Why'd you do it, Zeke?

Well, the first time was an accident.

But the second time was for fun.

Then accident, fun, fun,

another accident, three funs in a row,

then after that, I was
doing it for you, Tina.

- Aw.
- Aw.

But now it's over.

It's not over.

I got one left! Zeke, no.

(chanting): Poop! Poop! Poop!

CROWD (chanting): Poop!
Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!

Stupid kids, listen to
them. Poop's not funny.

I mean, it is a little, but
what sort of message are we...

I can't stand it! I
want to see him poop!

I want to be a kid again!

Poop! Poop! Poop!

Oh, thank God. He's back.

Aw, I'll miss my Muppet Baby Bobby.

You don't have to do this.

Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!

Here we go. (grunts)

This isn't an accident!

No, it is, it is.

(grunting): Oh, God. Oh, boy.

It's taking a long time.

It's a girl!

Uh, no, it's a boy!

I guess we're really watching this.

Bobby, hold my hand.

Get out of there!

No! (sighs)

Tammy, look out!

(slow-motion): No...!

Our top story: The Mad
Pooper almost nails me.

I'm joined by the
girl who saved my hair.

Louise, it was so close.

I thought it was going to be

a lot closer, Tammy, to be honest.

But I miscalculated.

Wind, maybe.

I was scared there was gonna
be poop right into my mouth.

Let's go to the Mad
Pooper himself, Zeke,

who, incredibly, is not in trouble.

Let's find out why.

My family moves around a lot.

His family moves around a lot.

Uh, WSN would like to apologize for any

inadvertent suggestion that Tina Belcher

was the Mad Pooper.

Our bad.

And now, a new WSN
feature: The Tina Table.

Is it getting hot in here?

One study shows the
school nurse's thermometer

is off by one degree.

She's here to discuss it.

Later, I'll talk to students
about trading snacks at lunch.

Is it insider trading?

No, it isn't.

Look at my news girl,

her pretty head floating like a balloon.

Is it just me, or does Tina
look great without a torso?

Wonder how'd she look with
a mustache and a bald spot?

Oh, I just remembered
how to make paella.

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