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1
00:00:22,989 --> 00:00:26,061
Big day today.
It's our grand re-re-re-opening.
2
00:00:26,159 --> 00:00:29,402
It's Labor Day Weekend, and it looks like
Wonder Wharf is getting mobbed...
3
00:00:29,496 --> 00:00:32,067
- so we have to-
- Big day for another reason too!
4
00:00:32,165 --> 00:00:33,769
Linda, I'm in the middle of my pep talk.
5
00:00:33,867 --> 00:00:35,710
Go ahead. Sorry. Go ahead, do your pep.
6
00:00:35,802 --> 00:00:37,941
So we have to sell some burgers.
7
00:00:38,038 --> 00:00:40,712
- Every year, this weekend makes or breaks us.
- [Blatting]
8
00:00:40,807 --> 00:00:43,583
- Who's farting?
- It's Gene's sound effects thing.
9
00:00:43,676 --> 00:00:45,053
I thought that made you
sound like a robot.
10
00:00:45,145 --> 00:00:46,624
[Distorted]
It does robot voice-
11
00:00:46,713 --> 00:00:48,192
- laser sound-
- [Electronic Whine]
12
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:50,124
- And fart noise.
- [Blatting]
13
00:00:50,216 --> 00:00:53,925
Oh, God. Listen. Your mother and I have to
go downstairs and grind the meat.
14
00:00:54,020 --> 00:00:56,466
You kids know where you're supposed
to be While we�re gone, right?
15
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,627
- Tina, you're on the grill.
- My crotch is itchy.
16
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,534
- [Both Groan]
- Okay.
17
00:01:00,627 --> 00:01:03,233
Are you telling me as my daughter,
or as my grill cook?
18
00:01:03,329 --> 00:01:07,505
- Um, as-
- Because my grill cook would never tell me that.
19
00:01:07,600 --> 00:01:09,307
- Oh.
- Also, my daughter...
20
00:01:09,402 --> 00:01:11,245
should probably not say
anything like that to me.
21
00:01:11,337 --> 00:01:12,714
Tell her. Tell your mom.
22
00:01:12,806 --> 00:01:14,808
- My crotch is itchy.
- Come here, let me see.
23
00:01:14,908 --> 00:01:16,012
Linda. Not now.
24
00:01:16,109 --> 00:01:17,679
- No, let's all see it.
- No.
25
00:01:17,777 --> 00:01:20,087
I'm just not sure
if I'll be any good on the grill...
26
00:01:20,180 --> 00:01:22,285
with just one free hand.
27
00:01:22,382 --> 00:01:24,589
Okay, I'm just going to keep moving here.
28
00:01:24,684 --> 00:01:26,163
Louise, you're working the counter.
29
00:01:26,252 --> 00:01:27,856
I put your little step stool back here.
30
00:01:27,954 --> 00:01:30,298
But do not alter anything
on the chalkboard.
31
00:01:30,390 --> 00:01:32,336
What if I think of something better-
32
00:01:32,425 --> 00:01:34,871
which would be
almost impossible not to do.
33
00:01:34,961 --> 00:01:38,374
You will not think of something better,
because �New Bacon-ings� is perfect.
34
00:01:38,465 --> 00:01:40,604
It's hilarious. Right?
35
00:01:40,700 --> 00:01:42,179
You know what? I'm taking the chalk.
36
00:01:42,268 --> 00:01:43,872
[Whispering]
Like I don't have chalk.
37
00:01:43,970 --> 00:01:46,951
Gene, you're outside, nicely offering
people a free sample, all right?
38
00:01:47,040 --> 00:01:49,714
- I'm on it!
- But people coming out of the crematorium next door...
39
00:01:49,809 --> 00:01:52,415
- people obviously in mourning-
- Yeah?
40
00:01:52,512 --> 00:01:54,185
Don't offer them samples.
41
00:01:54,280 --> 00:01:57,955
Dad, when I'm in character
out there, I get in a zone!
42
00:01:58,051 --> 00:02:00,622
I can't keep track
of who's in mourning and who isn't.
43
00:02:00,720 --> 00:02:02,563
Just- Anyone with an urn-
44
00:02:02,655 --> 00:02:04,134
- Yeah?
- Leave 'em alone!
45
00:02:04,224 --> 00:02:06,261
I know you think
it's the Gene show out there...
46
00:02:06,359 --> 00:02:08,669
but there's a line between
entertaining and annoying.
47
00:02:08,761 --> 00:02:10,331
No! That's a myth.
48
00:02:10,430 --> 00:02:12,273
[Electronic Whining]
49
00:02:12,365 --> 00:02:15,346
[Blatting]
50
00:02:18,738 --> 00:02:21,810
All right, listen.
You're my children and I love you.
51
00:02:21,908 --> 00:02:25,685
But you're all terrible
at What you do here...
52
00:02:25,778 --> 00:02:27,257
and I feel like I should tell you...
53
00:02:27,347 --> 00:02:28,826
I'd fire all of you if I could.
54
00:02:28,915 --> 00:02:30,394
- Bob!
- All right, hands in.
55
00:02:30,483 --> 00:02:32,292
- Don't- Tina, don't put your hand in.
- What-
56
00:02:32,385 --> 00:02:34,456
All right, sell some burgers!
57
00:02:34,554 --> 00:02:37,000
[Together, Weakly]
Sell some burgers.
58
00:02:37,090 --> 00:02:38,569
[Weeping]
59
00:02:40,793 --> 00:02:42,272
Bob's Burgers!
60
00:02:42,362 --> 00:02:44,706
[Distorted]
Free samples! Come and get it.
61
00:02:44,797 --> 00:02:46,276
[Blats 1
62
00:02:47,700 --> 00:02:49,179
- [Groans]
- Aaah!
63
00:02:49,269 --> 00:02:51,840
I don't like leaving
the kids alone up there for this long.
64
00:02:51,938 --> 00:02:54,509
- Something bad's gonna happen.
- Bob, they're fine.
65
00:02:54,607 --> 00:02:57,417
- Please, I asked you a question.
- Yes, What was the question?
66
00:02:57,510 --> 00:02:58,921
Do you remember our Wedding night?
67
00:02:59,012 --> 00:03:01,618
Yes. We worked 'cause we couldn't
afford not to. I remember.
68
00:03:01,714 --> 00:03:03,887
You know, you're grinding
too fast. Slow clown.
69
00:03:03,983 --> 00:03:05,360
- What was the date?
- The date?
70
00:03:05,451 --> 00:03:08,364
- Yes, the date of our wedding!
- I don't know.
71
00:03:08,454 --> 00:03:10,764
Oh, crap. ls it today?
72
00:03:10,857 --> 00:03:12,700
- Yes, Bob!
- Today's our anniversary. Okay.
73
00:03:12,792 --> 00:03:15,238
- Yes, it is!
- I'm sorry. Baby, I'm sorry.
74
00:03:15,328 --> 00:03:17,774
I'm not good with dates. You know that.
75
00:03:17,864 --> 00:03:20,538
- Today's your birthday?
- Yes, Bob!
76
00:03:20,633 --> 00:03:23,546
- Today's my birthday?
- Yes, Bob!
77
00:03:23,636 --> 00:03:26,549
- Your due date was today?
- Yes, Bob!
78
00:03:26,639 --> 00:03:28,983
- How'd it go?
- How do you think it-
79
00:03:29,075 --> 00:03:30,418
Good. It Went very well.
80
00:03:30,510 --> 00:03:31,989
That's good.
81
00:03:32,078 --> 00:03:33,921
Boy or girl?
82
00:03:34,013 --> 00:03:35,754
- Where you going?
- I'm done!
83
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:37,885
- I said I'm sorry.
- Bob, I'm done!
84
00:03:37,984 --> 00:03:40,897
Linda, come back.
We need to finish grinding the hamburger.
85
00:03:40,987 --> 00:03:42,967
[Child]
Oh, my God, gross.
86
00:03:43,056 --> 00:03:44,558
Thank you.
87
00:03:44,657 --> 00:03:47,661
- Free samples.
- Hey, you can't give out those samples.
88
00:03:47,760 --> 00:03:49,740
- You just dropped them on the ground.
- Shh!
89
00:03:49,829 --> 00:03:52,309
What are you,
the �dropping food on the ground police�?
90
00:03:52,398 --> 00:03:53,376
- Yes.
- Oh.
91
00:03:53,466 --> 00:03:54,740
- They have that?
- Yes.
92
00:03:54,834 --> 00:03:56,780
- I'm the health inspector.
- The what?
93
00:03:56,869 --> 00:03:58,906
[Distorted]
Health inspector. Off.
94
00:03:59,005 --> 00:04:00,985
- What?
- Health inspector!
95
00:04:01,074 --> 00:04:03,520
The burger joint�s natural enemy.
96
00:04:03,610 --> 00:04:05,283
[Ha wk Shrieks]
97
00:04:05,378 --> 00:04:06,288
[Rings]
98
00:04:06,379 --> 00:04:09,019
Hello. Welcome to Bob's Burgers.
99
00:04:09,115 --> 00:04:12,221
The burger of the day
is the Child Molester.
100
00:04:12,318 --> 00:04:14,764
It comes with candy.
[Chuckles] Get it?
101
00:04:14,854 --> 00:04:15,798
- Yes.
- No.
102
00:04:15,888 --> 00:04:16,866
'Cause sometimes...
103
00:04:16,956 --> 00:04:18,765
they use candy to lure their victims-
104
00:04:18,858 --> 00:04:19,962
- Yes, we get it.
- Oh!
105
00:04:20,059 --> 00:04:22,039
Is this your parents' place?
106
00:04:22,128 --> 00:04:24,472
Yes. They're down in the basement
grinding the meat right now.
107
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,601
- Uh-huh.
- That's not a euphemism.
108
00:04:26,699 --> 00:04:28,872
They're really grinding the meat.
109
00:04:28,968 --> 00:04:30,606
Show us the kitchen, please.
110
00:04:30,703 --> 00:04:33,309
I'm just saying, it's easy
to remember our anniversary.
111
00:04:33,406 --> 00:04:35,249
It's September third. 9/3.
112
00:04:35,341 --> 00:04:38,049
- Nine is divisible by three.
- What?
113
00:04:38,144 --> 00:04:40,590
That's not-
A lot of numbers are divisible by three.
114
00:04:40,680 --> 00:04:42,660
- Don't argue with me.
- All right, you're right.
115
00:04:42,749 --> 00:04:44,854
Nine is divisible by three,
and now I'll remember.
116
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,124
[Gasps]
Oh, my God.
117
00:04:47,220 --> 00:04:49,325
Are you messing with me?
118
00:04:49,422 --> 00:04:52,596
- What? What are you- No.
- You are. You are!
119
00:04:52,692 --> 00:04:55,138
Lin, I forgot. I am sorry.
I said I'm sorry.
120
00:04:55,228 --> 00:04:56,866
And I'm going to make it up to you.
121
00:04:56,963 --> 00:05:00,206
- I can see you smiling.
- I'm not smiling!
122
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:02,041
You're smiling with your eyes.
123
00:05:02,135 --> 00:05:03,614
- What is it?
- What are you doing?
124
00:05:03,703 --> 00:05:05,182
- A party?
- Why are you doing this?
125
00:05:05,271 --> 00:05:06,579
Is it a party upstairs?
126
00:05:06,673 --> 00:05:08,277
No, Linda, can you please
just finish this?
127
00:05:08,374 --> 00:05:09,853
I gotta get back up there.
128
00:05:09,942 --> 00:05:11,683
- To get everything ready for the party?
- No!
129
00:05:11,778 --> 00:05:13,985
To get everything ready
for lunch, in our restaurant-
130
00:05:14,080 --> 00:05:15,889
the one we�re trying to save, remember?
131
00:05:15,982 --> 00:05:18,929
Go ahead. Go.
Call me to come up when it's all ready.
132
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,497
I'll act surprised, like this-
133
00:05:20,586 --> 00:05:22,964
- [Gasps] Bah! Oh!
- That's-
134
00:05:23,056 --> 00:05:26,037
- I almost had a heart attack.
- That's scared, that's not surprised.
135
00:05:26,125 --> 00:05:28,071
Aaah!
136
00:05:28,161 --> 00:05:29,731
That's like you hurt yourself.
137
00:05:29,829 --> 00:05:31,706
- Ahhh, aaah!
- That's good.
138
00:05:31,798 --> 00:05:34,039
Smell this.
Doesn't it smell like strawberries?
139
00:05:34,133 --> 00:05:35,737
[Sniffs]
Ugh!
140
00:05:35,835 --> 00:05:38,111
Gotcha. it's spoiled milk, dummy.
141
00:05:38,204 --> 00:05:39,979
- So you're the health inspector?
- Yes.
142
00:05:40,073 --> 00:05:42,075
'Cause I think I have
some kind of rash or something.
143
00:05:42,175 --> 00:05:44,451
I'm hot that kind of health inspector.
144
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:47,184
�Rashy grill cook."
145
00:05:47,280 --> 00:05:49,760
[Toilet Flushes]
146
00:05:50,950 --> 00:05:54,363
You have no idea
What I've just been through.
147
00:05:54,454 --> 00:05:57,060
- Do I have any toilet paper stuck to my buns?
- [Blats]
148
00:05:57,156 --> 00:05:58,794
Where are the grown-ups?
149
00:05:58,891 --> 00:06:00,598
- [Door Opens]
- Aha!
150
00:06:00,693 --> 00:06:02,263
- You must be Bob.
- Uh, who are you?
151
00:06:02,362 --> 00:06:04,308
We're from
the Health inspector's office.
152
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,172
I'm Hugo, this is my partner Ron.
153
00:06:06,265 --> 00:06:07,938
I don't have a badge yet.
I just started.
154
00:06:08,034 --> 00:06:09,513
- [Blats]
- Give me that.
155
00:06:09,602 --> 00:06:12,139
- Come on.
- Bob, this is my violations notebook.
156
00:06:12,238 --> 00:06:14,775
I just filled it.
It took five minutes in your kitchen.
157
00:06:14,874 --> 00:06:17,047
- Uh, that sounds bad.
- It's a record.
158
00:06:17,143 --> 00:06:18,622
- [Cheering]
- Shut up.
159
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:20,622
Not to mention
child labor law violations...
160
00:06:20,713 --> 00:06:24,490
- public decency violations-
- Public decency? What are you talking about?
161
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:27,724
The Child Molester?
I thought this was a family restaurant.
162
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:29,424
Uh, what's the Child Molester?
163
00:06:29,522 --> 00:06:31,399
- It's the burger of the day.
- No, it's not.
164
00:06:31,491 --> 00:06:34,233
For a limited time only-
Till you came back upstairs.
165
00:06:34,327 --> 00:06:35,601
- Did someone actually order this?
- Yeah.
166
00:06:35,695 --> 00:06:36,765
- Who?
- Him.
167
00:06:36,863 --> 00:06:39,104
[Bob]
Mmm. He looks like a child molester.
168
00:06:39,198 --> 00:06:41,804
- Louise, don't serve him. Let Gene bring it.
- Uh, Bob-
169
00:06:41,901 --> 00:06:44,575
- Why do I have to get molested?
- Because he's not gonna molest you.
170
00:06:44,670 --> 00:06:46,047
- Why?
- Because you're heavy.
171
00:06:46,139 --> 00:06:47,117
- Bob-
- Yeah, hold on.
172
00:06:47,206 --> 00:06:48,742
Heavy kids can get molested!
173
00:06:48,841 --> 00:06:51,344
Yeah, who wouldn�t want
to molest this face?
174
00:06:51,444 --> 00:06:52,752
- That's enough.
- Bob-
175
00:06:52,845 --> 00:06:54,324
it's not that.
I mean, Gene, 'cause you're older.
176
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:56,155
Tina's the oldest. Make her do it.
177
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,923
- Yeah, but Tina's not good with the customers.
- Bob-
178
00:06:59,018 --> 00:07:01,294
- I'm good with the customers.
- Mmm, not really.
179
00:07:01,387 --> 00:07:03,333
- I'm great with the customers.
- Mm-mmm.
180
00:07:03,423 --> 00:07:06,427
- She's autistic. She can't help it.
- Yeah, I'm autistic.
181
00:07:06,526 --> 00:07:07,630
- Bob-
- Just a sec.
182
00:07:07,727 --> 00:07:09,206
No, you're not autistic, Tina.
183
00:07:09,295 --> 00:07:12,242
- How many toothpicks on the ground?
- Don't play this game again.
184
00:07:12,331 --> 00:07:13,810
- Come on. How many toothpicks?
- No.
185
00:07:13,900 --> 00:07:15,880
It just involves
me cleaning up toothpicks.
186
00:07:15,968 --> 00:07:17,641
- A hundred?
- No.
187
00:07:17,737 --> 00:07:19,717
- A hundred? There's three.
- [Chuckling] it's three!
188
00:07:19,806 --> 00:07:21,547
- Okay, okay. How many now?
- [Hugo] Bob!
189
00:07:21,641 --> 00:07:23,211
- [Tina] Three.
- [Gene, Bob] No!
190
00:07:23,309 --> 00:07:26,347
- Ugh, you're the worst kind of autistic.
- You can't even count.
191
00:07:26,446 --> 00:07:28,255
Bob! You want to know why we�re here?
192
00:07:28,347 --> 00:07:30,224
Because I'll tell you,
it's not for a routine inspection.
193
00:07:30,316 --> 00:07:33,820
- It's not?
- No. We're investigating a very disturbing rumor.
194
00:07:33,920 --> 00:07:36,992
There's a rumor you make your burgers
with human remains...
195
00:07:37,089 --> 00:07:39,399
from the crematorium next door!
196
00:07:40,660 --> 00:07:44,039
Hmm. I wonder how a rumor
like that gets started.
197
00:07:44,130 --> 00:07:47,907
It's made with human remains
from the crematorium next door.
198
00:07:48,000 --> 00:07:49,479
[All Gasp]
199
00:07:49,569 --> 00:07:51,378
Who knows? Kids say crazy stuff.
200
00:07:51,471 --> 00:07:53,747
Here's what's gonna happen.
We'll test your meat.
201
00:07:53,840 --> 00:07:57,947
If it contains human flesh- anything above
the four percent allowable by the F.D.A.-
202
00:07:58,044 --> 00:08:00,183
then your restaurant will be closed...
203
00:08:00,279 --> 00:08:03,021
and you, sir, will be going to jail.
204
00:08:03,115 --> 00:08:06,961
- [Door Opens]
- Oh, a party for me!
205
00:08:07,053 --> 00:08:08,657
Oh. Hugo?
206
00:08:08,754 --> 00:08:10,563
- Linda?
- What are you doing here?
207
00:08:10,656 --> 00:08:13,637
- I'm the health inspector. I just transferred here.
- [Gasps]
208
00:08:13,726 --> 00:08:16,935
- What are you doing here?
- This is our restaurant. We own it.
209
00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:19,942
- You're married to him?
- How do you two know each other?
210
00:08:20,032 --> 00:08:23,172
I thought you ran off with Bob
the hotshot restauranteur.
211
00:08:23,269 --> 00:08:24,907
I did.
212
00:08:25,004 --> 00:08:26,847
- Oh, God.
- [Scoffing] You did?
213
00:08:26,939 --> 00:08:28,213
- I'm on it.
- [Whooshes]
214
00:08:28,307 --> 00:08:30,309
- Yeah, I don't think so!
- [Whooshes]
215
00:08:30,409 --> 00:08:32,821
- I can't believe-
- [Whooshes]
216
00:08:32,912 --> 00:08:34,391
I can't-
217
00:08:36,449 --> 00:08:37,928
I-
218
00:08:38,017 --> 00:08:40,190
I can't believe you left me for him!
219
00:08:40,286 --> 00:08:43,062
- You left someone for me?
- Ugh! He doesn't even know?
220
00:08:43,155 --> 00:08:45,226
We were- We were briefly engaged
221
00:08:45,324 --> 00:08:47,031
[All Gasp]
222
00:08:47,126 --> 00:08:49,732
I still remember the day I heard
you were getting married.
223
00:08:49,829 --> 00:08:52,400
Oh, my God. ls today your anniversary?
224
00:08:52,498 --> 00:08:54,705
Yes! How do you remember that?
225
00:08:54,800 --> 00:08:57,280
It's 9/3. Nine is divisible by three.
226
00:08:57,370 --> 00:09:00,544
That doesn't make sense!
A lot of numbers are divisible by three.
227
00:09:00,640 --> 00:09:02,779
Well, happy anniversary.
228
00:09:04,176 --> 00:09:06,213
- Human flesh?
- Wait, wait, wait, wait.
229
00:09:06,312 --> 00:09:07,791
This is one of our biggest weekends.
230
00:09:07,880 --> 00:09:10,326
You can't put that up.
Nobody will eat here.
231
00:09:10,416 --> 00:09:13,795
- Prominently displayed.
- Well, then just do your tests, pal, because it's beef.
232
00:09:13,886 --> 00:09:16,059
Sorry! The lab's closed till Monday.
233
00:09:16,155 --> 00:09:17,828
You'll get your test results then.
234
00:09:17,924 --> 00:09:20,495
Consider yourself health inspected!
235
00:09:20,593 --> 00:09:22,573
[Screams]
236
00:09:22,662 --> 00:09:25,939
I'd-I'd try it. There's no wait.
237
00:09:29,535 --> 00:09:31,776
Hello. How are you?
Come in and have a burger.
238
00:09:31,871 --> 00:09:34,078
- A perfectly normal burger.
- Best burger in town.
239
00:09:34,173 --> 00:09:35,948
[Screams]
240
00:09:36,042 --> 00:09:40,491
- Did your father say anything about an anniversary present?
- [Together] No.
241
00:09:40,580 --> 00:09:43,584
Nothing? Like maybe hiding
a necklace in a hamburger...
242
00:09:43,683 --> 00:09:45,685
or hiding some earrings down the drain...
243
00:09:45,785 --> 00:09:48,163
or something romantic like that?
244
00:09:48,254 --> 00:09:50,165
- That's romantic?
- Yeah!
245
00:09:50,256 --> 00:09:52,497
Did you check the toilet
or in the garbage?
246
00:09:52,592 --> 00:09:54,299
- Ah.
- [Bob] Gene, get off.
247
00:09:54,393 --> 00:09:56,134
You're choking me. You're choking me!
248
00:09:56,228 --> 00:09:57,707
[Screams]
249
00:09:57,797 --> 00:10:01,108
So is Hugo going to put Dad in jail
because you dumped him?
250
00:10:01,200 --> 00:10:03,578
No. Hugo is going to
put your father in jail...
251
00:10:03,669 --> 00:10:06,980
because your sister told her class
that we serve human flesh.
252
00:10:07,073 --> 00:10:09,952
Now why would you do something
like that, honey? Why?
253
00:10:10,042 --> 00:10:11,953
I'll tell you why, Morn
254
00:10:12,044 --> 00:10:14,923
Anita Vasquez's uncle
is a matador in Spain.
255
00:10:15,014 --> 00:10:16,823
She was showing everybody his cape.
256
00:10:16,916 --> 00:10:20,056
I had to up the ante, and What
do I have to show for show and tell?
257
00:10:20,152 --> 00:10:21,392
I got nothing, Mom!
258
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:22,989
- Calm down.
- There's nothing here to show!
259
00:10:23,089 --> 00:10:24,534
- Louise-
- What?
260
00:10:24,624 --> 00:10:27,298
- Tina, stop.
- [Man Screams]
261
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:30,465
Mom, you can get Hugo
to take down the sign.
262
00:10:30,563 --> 00:10:32,133
How am I supposed to do that?
263
00:10:32,231 --> 00:10:33,904
He's madly in love with you.
264
00:10:34,000 --> 00:10:35,673
- Work it, woman.
- Yeah.
265
00:10:35,768 --> 00:10:37,076
Mmm.
266
00:10:37,169 --> 00:10:39,240
[Hugo Sobbing]
267
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:43,114
- [Ringing]
- [Sniffles]
268
00:10:43,209 --> 00:10:45,189
Hello?
269
00:10:45,277 --> 00:10:46,756
Linda?
270
00:10:46,846 --> 00:10:48,951
- [Sizzling]
- [Bob] it's our big Weekend.
271
00:10:49,048 --> 00:10:52,052
I mean, this grill should be covered
with burgers right now.
272
00:10:52,151 --> 00:10:54,461
- Who's that for?
- Mort. He called in his order.
273
00:10:54,553 --> 00:10:57,796
He doesn't want to be seen here, so I'm
sending Gene over to the crematorium with it.
274
00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:59,198
- Great.
- [Dings]
275
00:10:59,291 --> 00:11:01,862
So... Hugo is coming over.
276
00:11:01,961 --> 00:11:03,668
To talk... to me.
277
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:05,333
- What?
- Don't be mad.
278
00:11:05,431 --> 00:11:07,741
I think I can talk him out of it,
all of this.
279
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:10,313
And when you say talk him out of it,
What does that mean?
280
00:11:10,403 --> 00:11:12,314
Is Hugo going to be our new dad?
281
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:14,316
- Oh, please.
- Just checking.
282
00:11:14,407 --> 00:11:15,977
Maybe I should help you set the mood.
283
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,919
- Put out some candles.
- Ooh, candles!
284
00:11:19,011 --> 00:11:20,490
Ugh, unbelievable.
285
00:11:20,579 --> 00:11:22,923
Bob's Burgers delivery service!
286
00:11:23,015 --> 00:11:26,189
Shh, shh, shh, shh! Quick!
287
00:11:26,285 --> 00:11:29,562
- Why'd you ever get engaged to that guy anyway?
- Aw, I was young.
288
00:11:29,655 --> 00:11:31,999
And my parents liked him
because he always did the dishes.
289
00:11:32,091 --> 00:11:35,766
- Yeah, I bet.
- [Chuckles] Also, he- he used to-
290
00:11:35,861 --> 00:11:37,568
What?
291
00:11:37,663 --> 00:11:40,371
He, uh- He happened
to be an excellent kisser.
292
00:11:40,466 --> 00:11:42,241
What- An excellent kisser?
293
00:11:42,334 --> 00:11:44,280
Yeah. He was very soft...
294
00:11:44,370 --> 00:11:46,509
and he didn't have a lot of moisture...
295
00:11:46,605 --> 00:11:49,848
- like some people.
- Like some people? You think I'm a bad kisser?
296
00:11:49,942 --> 00:11:52,479
- No.
- Oh, yeah? Well, how about this?
297
00:11:53,879 --> 00:11:55,358
Oh.
298
00:11:55,448 --> 00:11:57,724
- Are you sweating?
- Uh, no.
299
00:11:57,817 --> 00:12:00,764
- Is that my saliva?
- Don't be mad!
300
00:12:00,853 --> 00:12:02,799
Oh, no, I'm not. Not at all!
301
00:12:02,888 --> 00:12:04,367
- Bob!
- I better go, all right?
302
00:12:04,457 --> 00:12:08,496
I'd hate to get any saliva on you
and Mr. Perfect Moisture Mouth!
303
00:12:08,594 --> 00:12:11,541
I happen to produce
a lot of saliva, Linda!
304
00:12:14,467 --> 00:12:17,141
So! You're the health inspector, huh?
305
00:12:17,236 --> 00:12:19,443
- I want to read you this poem.
- How did that happen?
306
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:21,814
�Inspector of health, inspector of pain."
307
00:12:21,907 --> 00:12:22,977
Um-
308
00:12:23,075 --> 00:12:25,715
�I came in search of human remains...
309
00:12:25,811 --> 00:12:27,791
and I found a piece of human flesh...
310
00:12:27,880 --> 00:12:29,917
I thought I'd never see again-
311
00:12:30,015 --> 00:12:31,494
my heart."
312
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,063
Mm-hmm.
313
00:12:33,152 --> 00:12:34,927
Very nice!
314
00:12:35,020 --> 00:12:37,899
Uh, Hugo, you know
Bob's not a cannibal, right?
315
00:12:37,990 --> 00:12:40,402
- I don't know that.
- Don't do this.
316
00:12:40,493 --> 00:12:42,131
- I'm sorry I hurt you-
- Linda!
317
00:12:42,228 --> 00:12:45,732
- But What you're doing is-
- I can save you from all this!
318
00:12:45,831 --> 00:12:47,310
[Sprays]
319
00:12:48,334 --> 00:12:49,813
[Sprays]
320
00:12:50,903 --> 00:12:53,281
Wow! A candy coffin.
321
00:12:53,372 --> 00:12:56,979
Customized caskets and urns,
that's our specialty.
322
00:12:57,076 --> 00:13:00,546
That's Mr. Caffrey
of the Caffrey Toffee Company.
323
00:13:00,646 --> 00:13:03,627
It's on the lift 'cause they're coming
to pick him up this afternoon.
324
00:13:03,716 --> 00:13:05,525
I need more condiments.
325
00:13:05,618 --> 00:13:08,792
Uh, don't touch anything
and don't press any buttons.
326
00:13:10,055 --> 00:13:13,059
- [Grunts]
- [whirring]
327
00:13:13,659 --> 00:13:15,138
[Chattering]
328
00:13:17,563 --> 00:13:20,203
Oh, my God! it's Bob's
anniversary present.
329
00:13:20,299 --> 00:13:21,903
He remembered!
330
00:13:22,001 --> 00:13:23,480
Aw!
331
00:13:23,569 --> 00:13:26,277
[Laughing]
This is so exciting.
332
00:13:26,372 --> 00:13:27,851
It's a dead body!
333
00:13:27,940 --> 00:13:29,783
Maybe the present�s underneath.
334
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:31,718
You're on a sinking ship, lady.
335
00:13:31,811 --> 00:13:34,917
And you better get off
before the ship sinks!
336
00:13:35,014 --> 00:13:37,153
Hello, the media!
337
00:13:42,121 --> 00:13:45,227
[All Shouting]
338
00:13:50,696 --> 00:13:52,801
Good job, everybody.
339
00:13:52,898 --> 00:13:57,677
An angry mob. That's just What we Wanted
outside our restaurant.
340
00:13:57,770 --> 00:14:00,683
They're over there in their little van...
341
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:02,719
inspecting themselves.
342
00:14:02,808 --> 00:14:05,721
Well, finding a corpse
on the premises on its way to the meat-
343
00:14:05,811 --> 00:14:07,791
Do you think I should change
where I part my hair?
344
00:14:07,880 --> 00:14:09,791
Uh, let me see.
345
00:14:09,882 --> 00:14:12,556
- Uh, yes?
- Can you open the Window a little more?
346
00:14:12,651 --> 00:14:14,858
I'm not going to assault you.
347
00:14:14,954 --> 00:14:16,194
[Groans]
Don't touch me!
348
00:14:16,288 --> 00:14:17,926
Sorry. That just came over me.
349
00:14:18,023 --> 00:14:20,299
Listen, I came out
to ask you to talk to this crowd.
350
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:22,201
I mean, you made
an angry mob here and-
351
00:14:22,294 --> 00:14:24,274
- Huh.
- Hey, what's all this stuff?
352
00:14:24,363 --> 00:14:26,240
You got a whole chemistry lab back there.
353
00:14:26,332 --> 00:14:28,812
Can't you do the test here,
instead of ruining my Weekend?
354
00:14:28,901 --> 00:14:30,505
Don't tell me how to do my job.
355
00:14:30,603 --> 00:14:32,241
I don't tell you how to grow your corpses.
356
00:14:32,338 --> 00:14:33,840
- Come here!
- [Groans] No.
357
00:14:33,939 --> 00:14:35,418
Let go of me!
358
00:14:35,507 --> 00:14:38,351
Good luck with the angry mob, Bob!
359
00:14:38,444 --> 00:14:41,254
Uh, how close am I to that car?
360
00:14:41,347 --> 00:14:43,486
You want me to help you
get out of your spot?
361
00:14:43,582 --> 00:14:46,085
Yeah! I can't see his bumper. Am I close?
362
00:14:46,185 --> 00:14:48,392
No, you got room.
363
00:14:48,487 --> 00:14:51,696
Keep coming. Keep coming. Stop.
364
00:14:51,790 --> 00:14:53,394
How am I doing in front?
365
00:14:53,492 --> 00:14:54,698
It's tight.
366
00:14:54,793 --> 00:14:56,204
Keep comin'.
367
00:14:56,295 --> 00:14:58,332
All right, out the Wheel. Cut the Wheel!
368
00:14:58,430 --> 00:14:59,909
I am. I am. I'm cutting it.
369
00:14:59,999 --> 00:15:03,412
You gotta out hard right when you-
Just get out, I'll do it.
370
00:15:04,336 --> 00:15:06,782
[Hugo]
Thank you, sucker!
371
00:15:06,872 --> 00:15:09,148
- [Shouting Continues]
- Oh, my God.
372
00:15:09,241 --> 00:15:10,720
Bob's confronting the crowd.
373
00:15:10,809 --> 00:15:13,289
I'm going out there. You kids stay inside.
374
00:15:13,379 --> 00:15:16,292
Hey, people! This is crazy.
375
00:15:16,382 --> 00:15:22,025
We're being smeared by an unstable
health inspector for personal reasons.
376
00:15:22,121 --> 00:15:24,499
We know you people, and you know us.
377
00:15:24,590 --> 00:15:26,797
You, you're the shoe repair guy.
378
00:15:26,892 --> 00:15:29,736
- Nope. Locksmith.
- I mean the locksmith, the locksmith.
379
00:15:29,828 --> 00:15:31,603
I had keys made by you.
380
00:15:31,697 --> 00:15:34,473
- So?
- That was great, right?
381
00:15:34,566 --> 00:15:35,977
Hmm. Fair.
382
00:15:36,068 --> 00:15:37,775
[Crowd Booing]
383
00:15:37,870 --> 00:15:39,349
No, no. No booing.
384
00:15:39,438 --> 00:15:41,577
No booing Mort. You know him too.
385
00:15:41,674 --> 00:15:42,812
He's one of us.
386
00:15:42,908 --> 00:15:44,410
This guy has been here forever.
387
00:15:44,510 --> 00:15:46,490
Ever since I got run out
of Bog Harbor.
388
00:15:46,578 --> 00:15:48,387
What? Why'd you get run out of Bog Harbor?
389
00:15:48,480 --> 00:15:50,357
For selling human flesh
to the restaurants.
390
00:15:50,449 --> 00:15:53,259
- [All Gasp]
- [Laughs] I'm kidding, people!
391
00:15:53,352 --> 00:15:55,491
- Come on.
- [Laughing]
392
00:15:55,587 --> 00:15:59,967
Hey, the subject of death
makes us all uncomfortable, except Mort.
393
00:16:00,059 --> 00:16:02,733
But What about how we treat the living?
394
00:16:02,828 --> 00:16:05,434
'Cause sometimes we end up
treating those bodies...
395
00:16:05,531 --> 00:16:07,943
better than we treat these bodies.
396
00:16:08,033 --> 00:16:09,910
We break each ether's hearts.
397
00:16:10,002 --> 00:16:11,982
We forget important dates.
398
00:16:12,071 --> 00:16:13,880
We write hurtful things on poster board.
399
00:16:13,973 --> 00:16:17,216
We mistreat the living,
and no one seems to care.
400
00:16:17,309 --> 00:16:18,947
But once that body's dead, it's-
401
00:16:19,044 --> 00:16:20,853
�Hey, don't mistreat the dead body!"
402
00:16:20,946 --> 00:16:22,926
�Hey, don't eat the dead body!"
403
00:16:23,015 --> 00:16:24,551
That's the ultimate crime, right?
404
00:16:24,650 --> 00:16:26,129
Murder? No big deal.
405
00:16:26,218 --> 00:16:27,891
Cannibal? Whoa!
406
00:16:27,987 --> 00:16:29,898
Is he defending cannibalism?
407
00:16:29,989 --> 00:16:31,866
- No, I'm just saying-
- Cannibal!
408
00:16:31,957 --> 00:16:33,937
- See, that's a knee jerk-
- You're a damn cannibal!
409
00:16:34,026 --> 00:16:36,438
- Folks, please, I'm trying- No.
- Cannibal!
410
00:16:36,528 --> 00:16:37,666
That's not What I meant!
411
00:16:37,763 --> 00:16:39,868
He's gonna eat us!
[Grunts]
412
00:16:46,038 --> 00:16:47,574
Oh, thank God it didn't break.
413
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:50,210
- Dad, Dad!
- [Window Cracking]
414
00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:51,788
Forget it. Never mind.
415
00:16:51,877 --> 00:16:53,948
Nada. No longer relevant.
416
00:16:54,046 --> 00:16:56,925
- [Man] Let's get outta here.
- [Man 2] I'll buy you a beer.
417
00:16:59,184 --> 00:17:01,186
He's right, isn't he?
418
00:17:01,286 --> 00:17:04,358
We can test this meat right here
in the mobile lab, can't we?
419
00:17:04,456 --> 00:17:06,129
We liquefy it, add the enzyme.
420
00:17:06,225 --> 00:17:07,898
If it's yella, salmonella...
421
00:17:07,993 --> 00:17:09,472
if it's chartreuse, it's a deuce...
422
00:17:09,561 --> 00:17:11,438
and if it's blue, it's your Aunt Sue.
423
00:17:11,530 --> 00:17:13,271
I know, Ron! I know the rhyme!
424
00:17:13,365 --> 00:17:15,242
Don't you think I know the rhyme?
425
00:17:15,334 --> 00:17:17,814
It doesn't matter.
Don't you see he's guilty?
426
00:17:17,903 --> 00:17:19,576
If it's not human flesh,
it's something else.
427
00:17:19,671 --> 00:17:22,515
It's dirty hand towels.
It's- it's something else!
428
00:17:22,608 --> 00:17:23,951
- Stealing your woman?
- [Groans]
429
00:17:24,043 --> 00:17:26,546
- [Groans]
- Shut up, shut up, shut up!
430
00:17:26,645 --> 00:17:28,647
- [Sobbing]
- Oh, okay. That's it, that's it.
431
00:17:28,747 --> 00:17:30,784
Let it out. Let it out.
432
00:17:32,451 --> 00:17:34,988
[Sighs]
You're a failure.
433
00:17:35,087 --> 00:17:36,657
You failed.
434
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:38,234
You fail at everything.
435
00:17:38,323 --> 00:17:41,463
You fail at marriage. You fail at family.
436
00:17:41,560 --> 00:17:43,767
Your kids are failures.
437
00:17:43,862 --> 00:17:46,240
And you're fat. You're not attractive.
438
00:17:46,331 --> 00:17:47,969
You never Were.
439
00:17:48,067 --> 00:17:51,844
Well, you were a little bit, when
you were a teenager, but then you got fat.
440
00:17:51,937 --> 00:17:53,473
What is he saying out there?
441
00:17:53,572 --> 00:17:55,711
He's talking to the restaurant, Mom.
442
00:17:55,808 --> 00:17:58,812
Bobby, stop talking
to the restaurant and come inside.
443
00:17:58,911 --> 00:18:02,256
- Leave me alone!
- Bob, come inside.
444
00:18:02,347 --> 00:18:04,224
- Come on. Bob, come on.
- [Groans]
445
00:18:04,316 --> 00:18:05,920
- Bobby.
- What's the use?
446
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,464
Dad? This is Louise, your daughter.
447
00:18:08,554 --> 00:18:10,158
Yes, Louise. What?
448
00:18:10,255 --> 00:18:14,761
I'm sorry that I told everyone
that we make burgers from human remains.
449
00:18:14,860 --> 00:18:16,931
[Sighs]
Okay, Louise. Thank you.
450
00:18:17,029 --> 00:18:19,270
- Dad, it's Gene.
- Yes, Gene, go ahead.
451
00:18:19,364 --> 00:18:21,105
- Dad?
' Yes!
452
00:18:21,200 --> 00:18:23,680
I think we have a bad connection.
I'll call you back.
453
00:18:23,769 --> 00:18:25,749
- Oh, my God.
- I want to talk to him too.
454
00:18:25,838 --> 00:18:27,715
I can hear you. it's just glass
455
00:18:27,806 --> 00:18:30,878
Oh. Now my rash smells like bacon...
456
00:18:30,976 --> 00:18:32,614
and it doesn't itch anymore.
457
00:18:32,711 --> 00:18:34,384
I think we�re going to be okay.
458
00:18:34,480 --> 00:18:36,016
Okay, Tina, thank you.
459
00:18:36,115 --> 00:18:38,322
Dad, is the restaurant gonna close?
460
00:18:38,417 --> 00:18:41,591
[Sighs]
I don't know, Louise. We're almost broke.
461
00:18:41,687 --> 00:18:45,157
The whole town thinks we�re cannibals,
and I forgot our anniversary.
462
00:18:45,257 --> 00:18:47,328
You'd have been better off
with Hugo, Linda.
463
00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:49,633
- Bob, please.
- No, it's true.
464
00:18:49,728 --> 00:18:51,867
I can't even satisfy you with my kisses.
465
00:18:51,964 --> 00:18:54,501
- Sorry, kids.
- No problem. Thanks for the info.
466
00:18:54,600 --> 00:18:57,706
Oh, Bobby! Now you listen to me.
467
00:18:57,803 --> 00:19:03,151
I would rather be married to a suspected
cannibal with a dream, like you...
468
00:19:03,242 --> 00:19:06,815
than a soft-lipped guy
who never had a dream in the first place.
469
00:19:06,912 --> 00:19:08,914
- You Would?
- No question.
470
00:19:09,014 --> 00:19:11,688
You're a hero to your kids and to me.
471
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:13,262
Now come inside.
472
00:19:13,352 --> 00:19:15,423
Come inside and make us some food.
We're hungry.
473
00:19:15,521 --> 00:19:17,000
On, Lin.
474
00:19:18,624 --> 00:19:20,103
I'm comin' in.
475
00:19:21,126 --> 00:19:22,605
' [Clicks]
' [All Laughing]
476
00:19:22,694 --> 00:19:24,731
Open the door. Ha, ha. Open the door.
477
00:19:24,830 --> 00:19:26,832
- [Louise Snickering]
- Seriously, open the door!
478
00:19:26,932 --> 00:19:29,708
[Linda] Kids, let your father
in the restaurant, please.
479
00:19:29,801 --> 00:19:30,779
Let me in!
480
00:19:30,869 --> 00:19:33,281
- Still sewing human flesh?
- No.
481
00:19:33,372 --> 00:19:34,942
' Yes!
- No!
482
00:19:35,040 --> 00:19:37,316
We have kind of
an adventurous eaters club.
483
00:19:37,409 --> 00:19:39,355
We like to try new things.
484
00:19:39,444 --> 00:19:41,253
Can you seat 25 people?
485
00:19:41,346 --> 00:19:47,627
Oh, uh, well, we might have some more
human meat, but ifs, uh, $50 a burger.
486
00:19:47,719 --> 00:19:50,632
- That's a deal.
- Real- What? Really? Great.
487
00:19:50,722 --> 00:19:52,895
[Chuckles]
Let's do it.
488
00:19:52,991 --> 00:19:54,732
Hello. Welcome.
489
00:19:54,826 --> 00:19:56,066
Human flesh right this way.
490
00:19:56,161 --> 00:19:57,139
Uh, hi.
491
00:19:57,229 --> 00:19:59,869
Uh, Hugo Wanted to give you this.
492
00:19:59,965 --> 00:20:03,276
- It states clearly that there was ho human flesh in-
- Shh!
493
00:20:03,368 --> 00:20:05,075
Yes, yes. Thank you. Thanks.
494
00:20:05,170 --> 00:20:07,377
We were able to expedite the tests...
495
00:20:07,472 --> 00:20:10,351
- and, uh, we found 100% grade-A beef-
- Shh, shh!
496
00:20:10,442 --> 00:20:11,750
Ron!
497
00:20:11,843 --> 00:20:13,550
- I'm just sorry it got blown out of pro-
- Shut up!
498
00:20:13,645 --> 00:20:15,181
- Shut up.
- Okay.
499
00:20:15,280 --> 00:20:17,260
Hi. Welcome.
500
00:20:17,349 --> 00:20:18,828
[Laughing Chattering]
501
00:20:18,917 --> 00:20:20,521
Lin, I can't believe how
much money we just made.
502
00:20:20,619 --> 00:20:22,997
This turned into a great Weekend.
503
00:20:23,088 --> 00:20:25,659
Oh, Bob, it's gorgeous.
504
00:20:25,757 --> 00:20:28,465
Hmm. We seem to have stopped.
505
00:20:29,595 --> 00:20:33,168
Bobby! You've been practicing.
506
00:20:33,265 --> 00:20:35,939
Yeah. I went online, got some tips
507
00:20:36,034 --> 00:20:37,672
They have kissing tips online?
508
00:20:37,769 --> 00:20:40,113
I learned a few moves. Check this one out.
509
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:42,242
This one is your anniversary gift.
510
00:20:42,341 --> 00:20:45,254
- [Muttering]
- [Giggles]
511
00:20:45,344 --> 00:20:47,483
Oh, Bobby!
512
00:20:47,579 --> 00:20:49,650
Go, Bob!
513
00:20:49,748 --> 00:20:51,921
Ugh! Unbelievable.
514
00:20:53,352 --> 00:20:55,889
- Aw, sick!
- Mom's really handsy.
515
00:20:55,988 --> 00:20:57,524
You're a couple of sluts!
516
00:20:57,623 --> 00:20:58,624
I think it's nice.
517
00:20:58,724 --> 00:21:00,863
Hey! Get this thing movin'!
518
00:21:00,959 --> 00:21:03,530
I'm getting scarred for life up here!
519
00:21:35,494 --> 00:21:36,472
By Jeffreyalca
520
00:21:36,522 --> 00:21:41,072
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