Original subtitles

CONNIE: Douglas, I've been thinking about leaving.

I think our marriage might be over. We should still go on holiday.

Do the grand tour, for Albie's sake as much as anything...

Not just Albie's sake.

No, for all our sakes.

Hotel Bontemps. Literally GoodTimes Hotel.

RHYTHMIC CREAKING, MOANING Is that what I think it is?

I hope it is just two of them.

Hi! I'm Kat.

Are you accusing me of stealing? He didn't say stealing.

Well, at least someone's having a worse holiday than us.

Agh! Ow!

I just feel like I'm losing you both.

Well, I don't want us to go home.

Amsterdam, then.

OK. Are you ready?

Let's give a Petersen family bonjour to Belgium in three, two, one...

..now!

See? Belgium.

The Benelux. Belgium, Netherlands, Luxembourg.

So...

..this is Belgium.

Hello, Belgium!

TANNOY CHIMES

Mesdames and messieurs, ladies and gentlemen,

in a few minutes we will enter Belgium.

Dans quelques instants nous entrerons en Belgique...

Hmm, I'm not sure that's right.

In wenigen Augenblicken wenn wir nach Belgien einreisen...

Albie, I've just realised, it's the Ardennes over there.

The Battle of the Ardennes, where your great-grandfather died.

Look, just here, see?

OK. German counterattack against the Allies.

Awful, terrible battle.

He's buried somewhere there.

We could have gone to the cemetery.

We could have got off at Brussels and rented a car. Hm.

Well, don't sound too keen, will you? No. I am.

It's just...it's history, isn't it?

Well, yes.

Your family's history.

It's like a school trip, except just me and two teachers.

Thank you, Albie! I thought you'd be interested.

No, sure, it's just sort of

difficult to make an emotional connection to stuff that happened

so long ago. "Emotional connection".

It's not about emotion, it's about my father's father, Albie.

Two generations ago, we'd have been dive-bombed by Stukas by now!

Keep your voices down, please.

No-one's being dive-bombed by Stukas.

Do you always have to take his side? I'm not taking sides!

I don't even understand what you're arguing about.

He thinks I don't care enough about the war. You don't!

I know the history. You're making me out to be ignorant. I'm not.

I just don't think it's healthy to fixate on.

You don't think about what that's like, to be called up for the Army,

standing in the middle of a Belgian forest,

dead of winter, scared half to death.

No phone to play with back then, Albie!

You OK? Sorry. I'm fine.

I AM trying. You can't expect him to have the same interests as you

because he's your son.

World War II is not passed down on the father's side.

Not the same interests - one interest, one thing,

one single shared point of view or opinion.

But why?

You want to get to know him.

This is what he's like.

PHONE MESSAGE SWOOSH

Ah, there you are.

I've just walked all the way from Brussels!

Sorry about that.

We can go to the war cemetery if you want. No.

We've got too many other things planned.

Do you want something from the buffet?

It's a bit early in the day for Pringles, but...

..Kinder Bueno?

I'm not nine, Dad. No.

I'm very much aware of that.

You have to be careful of the bikes because they have right of way.

BIKE BELLS DING

No point spending money on a cab, we'll walk. It's not far.

Now, we're staying in the Grachtengordel,

which is literally "the girdle of canals".

Like concentric - nice word - concentric horseshoes.

Prinsengracht, Herengracht and Keizersgracht.

Or is it Herengracht first?

Oh, look at the map!

I don't need the map.

Herengracht, then Keizersgracht, then Prinsengracht.

Oh, you know it so well.

Well, I did a conference here.

Any wild stories?

Yeah, any wild stories, Douglas?

What happens at conference stays at conference.

CONNIE AND ALBIE: Woohoo!

Let's just say it was a very productive exchange of ideas.

It doesn't have to be a party city, it's also a conference city,

a perfectly civilised place.

Are you going to spend the whole holiday walking 12 steps ahead?

Now...here we are, four stars.

Best behaviour, please.

We have some good news here for you today, Mr and Mrs Petersen.

We have been able to upgrade you to the honeymoon suite!

Dad, did you book us into a brothel? Ha, it's not a brothel.

It does seem quite sexual. No. It's just a nice boutique hotel.

Now, you're in Delta of Venus

and we're in...

..Dangerous Liaisons.

The Honeymoon Suite.

Otherwise known as The Irony Suite.

Oh, I'd worry about baths in the bedroom - all that steam.

Except it's not just a bath.

JACUZZI CHURNS

Look at those lights - sexy!

Sexy and noisy!

Maybe later, fire this up, glass of champagne?

How do you have sex with your fingers in your ears?

What's that noise?

Your dad got us a Jacuzzi.

Dad, you dark horse.

I didn't ask for the Jacuzzi, we just look like Jacuzzi types.

Yeah, maybe it's for lower back pain, it's an orthopaedic thing.

Yeah, we probably won't use it.

Definitely a brothel.

Let's get some fresh air...

..and some penicillin.

MUSIC: Concerto For Lute, Two Violins And Continuo In D by Antonio Vivaldi

MUSIC CONTINUES

Nice milk!

Gets the physics of it just right, doesn't he?

Liquids in motion.

Could almost drink it.

Or is this too corny for you?

Course not.

I think I'd be quite good at art restoration.

What makes you say that?

I did that chest of drawers once.

Just give him a bottle of white spirit... Nice fat paintbrush.

SHE CHUCKLES

Albie seems happier. Having a good time.

The trick, when having a good time,

is not to draw attention to the good time. Hm.

And you? Are you having a good time?

CAMERA CLICKS

He keeps missing the pictures. Oh, shh!

You know about art and photos and stuff.

Is he any good? Will he be OK?

Oh, God, Douglas, I don't know.

He might, he might not, but it's what he's passionate about.

It's one thing being passionate about it, it's another thing

actually earning a living. Yes, I do know this.

He's only a kid. Give him time.

CAMERA CLICKS

He's taking a photo of his own shoe. Yes.

The Jewish Bride, it's called,

though Rembrandt didn't call it that. It's beautiful.

"One of the most touching depictions

"of sensual and spiritual love in all of art," it says here.

So look at it.

Well, yes, it is lovely.

He's getting a bit fresh, isn't he?

Dad! How do they know it's their wedding day?

Well, it's not the first date, is it?

Well, they could have been married a while. They're getting on a bit.

Maybe it's the...physicality of it.

CONNIE CHUCKLES

So it'sh a little bit cockney and a little bit shing-shong.

Sho, how did you enjoy your cheeshe toashtie?

That's very bad. We mustn't stay here too long.

Again, pleashe.

We mushn't shtay here too long.

That's amazing! That IS very good. Well, you know.

We can't go just yet. Seriously, though, we're due at the

Anne Frank House at five, so if you want to see the tuli...

Hello, Petersens!

Oh, Christ! Dad!

KAT LAUGHS Kat's here!

Well, that's a nice surprise.

You all right, Mr P? Clutching away at your heart there?

Albie thought it'd be fun to leap out on you.

Albie, you trickster. Very nice to see you, Kat.

I'm stalking you, Mr P.

Can I call you Mr P?

Well, no-one ever has, and I don't like it, but...

I said Kat could join us, just for two days.

OK, well, that might have been nice to... Albie says you've booked into

some sort of brothel. It's not a brothel.

It's a boutique hotel. Oh!

All the more reason to check out the buffet.

Look, big pockets, Mr P.

But I totally get that this is a family thing,

if you want it to be the three of you.

We're very happy to have you here. Yes!

Albie says there's a strict itinerary.

Where to next, Mr P? Tulips or something.

Quite touristy.

Well, we ARE tourists, so that's what we're going to do.

And then it's the Anne Frank House,

but I'm afraid I only bought three tickets, so...

I'm sure they can squeeze me in.

I don't think so. It's very small - that's the whole point.

Or...I could show you the real Amsterdam.

No, no, we don't have time for the

real Amsterdam, we're seeing this one.

Museums are great, but this is such a party city.

Yes, it doesn't have to be a party city. Besides, I've prebooked, so...

Actually, Kat says there's this coffee shop she really likes,

so we might do that instead, if that's OK?

When we say "coffee shop", Mr P... Yes, Kat, I know. You mean drugs.

There's your itinerary, of course,

but you'd be totally welcome to join us.

No, thanks, I don't think so... OK. Let's do that.

Yes! Connie! Oh, God, really?

Well, we've been all day in a museum.

Let's have fun together and go tomorrow. And you, Mr P?

I'm paranoid and anxious enough, thanks, Kat.

How do you know until you try?

Albie, you didn't invent these things.

Now, look, if we're going to get to the Anne Frank House in time...

Oh, Christ, Dad, even the Gestapo weren't this keen.

Oh, shut up, Albie, please!

Give us a minute, would you?

I think this is an opportunity to join in and have fun.

Be fun! What, by encouraging him to smoke drugs?

He's barely cogent half the time as it is. Oh, Douglas!

I just want him to have a clean, sharp mind and a clear head.

He's a teenage boy in Amsterdam,

I'd be more worried if he didn't want to.

You don't have to sanction it! "Sanction" is a bit over the top.

We'd just be there to keep an eye on him. Oh, you're doing it for

safety reasons? You're not just playing the cool parent.

I'm not playing anything!

Isn't it more sensible to watch over them than not?

We might even have fun.

Fine.

Please stop making me out to be some sort of killjoy.

I'm just being careful.

It's not caution, it's care.

I know what it is.

OK, you go. I'll rearrange the tickets. No.

He might want you to come.

Don't be ridiculous.

Your father is very kindly going to rearrange

the booking for tomorrow. Oh, Mr P, you absolute star.

Yeah, well, just be sensible.

Don't eat the cookies, you can't control the dose.

I tried that once and had a massive whitey.

"Massive whitey". You're sure you don't want to come? No.

You'll have more fun without me.

OK.

Is it down here? Yeah, bottom of the street.

Come on. LAUGHTER

LOUD DANCE MUSIC

INDISTINCT CHATTER

So, what are you working on?

Oh, I'm not an artist.

I'm actually a biochemist!

A chemist! A BIOCHEMIST!

I need a piss. Do you know where the toilet is?

The toilet, yeah, I thought so.

Every time I tell somebody what I do,

they suddenly need to go to the toilet.

What? It's like I'm a human diuretic!

What?

Doesn't matter. We're going on somewhere.

I said we'd meet them... I think I might head home.

OK! Shall I come? No, you stay.

You'll have more fun without me. What?

I said, "You'll have more fun without me!"

OK.

See you later.

Well, you could contradict me.

OK. Is that why you said it - as a test?

No. Then why don't you stay?

HE GRUNTS

Douglas, if you don't tell me what's wrong, I'll just have to guess.

Why do we never go out with your friends?

We are LITERALLY out with my friends!

And all those other times, all those parties?

I would love for you to come out but I don't think you'd enjoy it!

Pff! I'd spoil your fun.

You wouldn't have fun, which means I wouldn't have fun.

Hey, I come back every night to you, because I love it, the two of us.

So you're not even the tiniest bit embarrassed?

To be with you? That's ridiculous.

I'm not remotely embarrassed, I love you.

Well...

..that was a first.

Yeah, it just sort of slipped out.

So...

..do you want to go home or stay and have fun?

CHATTER, LAUGHTER

Thanks.

IMITATES DUTCH ACCENT: Sho I checked the guide book, and it

turns out it is a party shity after all and...

DROPS ACCENT ..I don't really want to be on my own,

so let's go wild, within reason.

Um, call me or text me or...

Ugh, the problem with this city is

there too many fucking bikes. Um...

..just let me know where you are, OK?

Oh, get off! Hey, hey, hey, hey!

HE SPEAKS DUTCH

Sorry. I'm sorry, I didn't realise it was your bike...

HE SPEAKS DUTCH So sorry.

There are just so many bikes...

Ja, and this one is my bike! Yeah, sorry, you speak very good English.

Yeah, I speak English. Fucking tourist! Um...

HE SPEAKS DUTCH

Dipshit.

VOICEMAIL: Hi, this is Albie, I can't get to the phone right now,

but leave a message and I'll text you back, or whatever.

Albie! Just to say, I am very, very

keen to get this party started.

So, call me, doesn't matter how late.

CHEERING AND LAUGHTER

"Fucking bikes. Sorry. Call me, text me,

"let me know where you are and I'll find you."

Your dad wants to know where we are. I got that, too.

He's keen to "get this party started."

Well, we should tell him.

Oh, he's making an effort, Albie.

I know you can see the veins pulsing in his forehead,

but he's doing his best.

Fine. I'll do it.

Oh, would you? I'd love that.

He'd love that, too.

UPBEAT MUSIC

CHATTER

Um...

..I wonder, do you have anything that might help me just relax?

WATER BUBBLES

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

DOOR OPENS

Hey. Don't let me wake you up.

HE MUMBLES Go back to sleep.

You woke me up to tell me to go back to sleep?

I thought you'd be pleased to see me. Hm.

Open your eyes. Hm.

Open. Hm.

Open. There!

Was the party fun? Nah.

Too old for that stuff on a weekday. Or a weekend.

Prefer it here. Let's never go anywhere again.

You too, by the way. Me too what?

That thing you said earlier.

Oh? Go on.

Well, you too.

No! What do you mean, "No"?

"You too" is not the same, you have to say the words.

You can't make me. I can. It's easy.

Take it one word at a time. No.

Go on. Start with I...

I...

..am going to sleep. No.

L. Make the L sound. Night.

Go on. Say it. Say it.

I love you.

DOOR CLOSES Hey.

Hey! Don't wake up.

Go back to sleep.

Oh! SHE LAUGHS

Why do they have so many pillows?

Fun?

Oh, in a teenage kind of way. You should have been there.

We went to a club, we danced.

I thought I was too old for that stuff.

Did you get my messages? Mm.

Albie texted you back.

Maybe, you know, Europe.

Yeah, that'll be it.

What did you get up to?

Drank alone,

smashed up a stranger's bike,

got stoned, then Jacuzzi.

SHE CHUCKLES

I did miss you, both of you.

You were right, I should have come.

Maybe if I'd been more spontaneous.

I know I'm not supposed to talk about this,

but maybe if we'd done more things together, gone out more,

all of us, over the years...

..instead of being too tired or too busy.

You asleep?

Connie?

It probably wouldn't make any difference,

but I do regret not being more...

..light-hearted.

And I do love you.

Can I still say that?

Whatever happens, I do.

The both of you.

You're asleep.

It's OK.

Na-night.

The moment I crack that egg, I will throw up.

I know. My own fault.

..and then Charlie, he starts waving his cash in his face and he

says, "But it's the law! You've got to take us! It's the law!"

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER Who talks that loudly

at this time of the morning?

Oh, here he is.

Go easy, please.

Sorry we're a little late. No, it's fine.

It's just we're due at the Van Gogh Museum in ten minutes.

PLATES CLATTER

LAUGHTER

I'll go get started.

Hey, hey, what are you going to do about this?

Thanks for letting me know where you were last night.

Albie sent a text.

Maybe it got lost.

Yeah, probably. Europe.

That's no good. That's dirty. Here.

It's a suit, it needs dry-cleaning.

Don't be an arsehole, man. I beg your pardon?

I think perhaps it might be worth having a conversation about Kat.

Do we have to do this now? I think we do.

She's a lovely bright girl... KAT: It was an accident.

..but this was meant to be our holiday - the three of us.

Who knows when it will happen again?

Now, I am being very calm.

What's going on? It's OK, just go sit down.

Stay the fuck out of it. And, you, clean my suit!

Oh, no, no!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Let's all calm... Just calm...

Dad, I am calm. He's the one who started it. I'm sure whatever...

You're not listening! Why don't you listen?!

Because you're behaving like an idiot!

Uh, I'm sorry, everyone. I'd like to apologise for my son.

Uh, I have no idea why he's being so stupid. Um, I'm sorry.

We, uh... Can we, uh...

I'll, uh... Sorry.

Albie... Yeah, go on, fuck off out of here.

Any word? No!

I'm sure he'll turn up. We'll see him at the hotel.

We must hurry. We'll be late!

How could you do that? What?

Call our son an idiot! I did not.

I heard you! Everyone heard you.

I meant that his behaviour was idiotic, and it was.

Why did you apologise? Sorry?

To those awful men, you said, "I'd like to apologise for our son."

Because he was throwing orange juice... He was sticking up

for Kat and he was sticking up for that poor waitress,

and you acted like you were embarrassed. I WAS embarrassed!

He was trying to start a fight...

You held his arms! I did not!

I was trying to calm him down.

You should have stood up for him. I did!

No, you said, and I quote, "I would like to apologise for my son."

So? He's always acting as if I embarrass him!

Because he's 17 years old!

And even if he was in the wrong, when that guy went for Albie,

you should've stood up for him,

you should've punched him in the face! Oh, yes! You're right!

I should have fought them all! All three of them! Yes!

They could have kicked the shit out

of you and I would have wanted to kiss you,

but you saw the suit and tie and then you apologised for your own son

when he was doing the right thing!

Fine. Point taken.

Now, can we get on? No!

I can't do this journey any more. It's unbearable.

It was your idea!

And I was wrong and you were right.

Is that what you wanted to hear?

I was wrong, wrong, wrong! Happy now?

So why did you suggest it? I don't know.

Maybe I thought... Maybe I thought, "He can change, clearly he wants to.

"Maybe we can find some spark, some flicker of life or fun

"or empathy or imagination or passion. Maybe I'll recognise

"some tiny trace element of the man I fell in love with."

That is exactly what I am trying to show you!

But it's gone, Douglas. It's out. I've tried, I swear.

The reason I can't love you is, because it's you!

I'll see you when we check out.

DOOR OPENS

Um, clearly...

..it's taking me a while to settle into the holiday rhythm.

But...still, I don't think we should give up just yet.

Douglas, it's too late.

No, hear me out... No, I mean...

..it's too late.

"Dear Mum, dear Dad, I appreciate the money and the effort,

"but I feel like the grand tour

"isn't quite working out, so I've gone.

"I'm sorry if I've let you down,

"but I feel at the moment I can't do anything right,

"and that's not much of a holiday for me. I can't face going

"home either, so I've decided to head off with Kat for a while.

"We're not sure where - somewhere in Europe.

"Please don't worry. Like you said, I'm old enough to do what I want.

"Maybe you two can carry on the tour. I don't know what's

"going on, but clearly you need some time together.

"The one thing I do ask is, please don't try and get in touch.

"I won't answer. Just give me time to think and work things out.

"I might stay with Kat, I might not.

"I'll be back in touch when the time is right."

Ah, buongiorno, my name is Mr Petersen.

We have a reservation at your hotel, but our plans have changed...

"Mum, don't worry.

"And, Dad, I'm sorry if I disappoint you.

"See you whenever. Albie."

PHONE PINGS

He's probably on a train somewhere.

Or making plans with friends.

He's got a little money, he can always busk.

That doesn't reassure me.

Look, we should wait on the platform.

Let's keep going.

We'll worry just as well in Munich as at home.

Maybe he'll come back and we'll finish the tour.

No. It was a mistake. Let's get back and get on with it.

Going home. I don't think I could bear it.

Well, what's your plan, then?

Would the two of us just keep getting on trains,

roaming round Europe and avoiding the truth for the rest of our lives?

I think I'd prefer that.

And when the money runs out? I don't know.

We could busk.

What do we tell people? Neighbours, people at work.

We're back three weeks early. We don't even have any photographs.

No-one wants to see our photographs.

But they might notice our son is missing.

I don't know, Douglas. Tell them the truth.

PHONE RINGS

0039. It's Italy. He can't be in Italy yet.

Hello? Buongiorno, Mr Petersen. Hotel San Bibiana...

Hotel confirmation. I'll tell them. Uh, si?

We spoke a moment ago? About the reservation.

I don't think so. About the possibility of moving it forward.

So...

PHONE RINGS Oh!

No, it's fine, I'll carry all the luggage myself.

Connie, I know where Albie is. What?

That phone call was from our hotel in Venice,

about moving the reservation. OK, so?

But I didn't call the hotel, so it must have been Albie.

He's on his way to Venice, so I'm going to go and find him.

You're not. The train's about to leave. Not to Munich.

I've still got the ticket.

I get in at dawn, I get the train to Italy, I'll be there at ten.

But he doesn't want to see you! He doesn't now, but he will do.

And clearly, we can't leave things as they stand.

But even if you find him, even if he is in Venice, Douglas...

Any mistakes I've made, I'm going to put them right

and I'm going to bring him back home. But think about it.

It isn't practical. I've got my passport, money -

I've got everything I need.

Just don't let on I'm coming. I want it to be a surprise.

Oh! Oh, well, it will be a surprise.

What am I supposed to tell everyone?

I suppose tell them the truth.

I'm looking for our son.

TAPPING ON GLASS

A moment of quiet, please, because I'd like

to pass you on to my wife.

WHOOPING AND CHEERING

Now, what can I say about Douglas Petersen?

Well, the first thing to say is that ever since I met him,

he's been a constant source of support and inspiration and love...

Aw! ..and jokes, too.

Often terrible jokes.

But he makes me laugh,

and there's no-one else I'd rather be with,

except perhaps this person here!

Wh...why am I saying person? It's a girl.

CHEERING

Are you happy now?

It's a girl! And I can't wait for it to be the three of us,

cos I know he is going to be an exceptional father, too.

So please raise your glasses to...

..my husband!

WHOOPING

♪ Open your eyes

♪ I see

♪ Your eyes are open... ♪

Hello, husband.

Hello, wife.

Feel any different?

Not particularly.

Trapped, confined, jaded, looking for a way out?

Hmm, sore feet, that's all.

Still...

..early days.

♪ Hold on to the night WHOOPING

♪ There will be no shame

♪ Always, I want to be with you

♪ And make believe with you

♪ And live in harmony, harmony, oh... ♪

Grazie.

You requested room 14. That's the one, yes.

And room 15 also. For my son, yes, when he comes.

I will get someone to help you with the luggage.

BELL DINGS

I have no luggage.

You must have luggage. No.

My journey's spontaneous.

Is there somewhere nearby for the immediate purchase

of clothes, shoes, underwear? Certainly.

Hello. Hi.

I can show you. I have a map...here.

You have no luggage, but you have a map.

It's a long story.

Would you like to, um...?

Oh. My key's stopped working. Room nine.

Thank you.

You're welcome. Grazie.

Just let me know if my son turns up.

If he phones again, tell him to come now,

but don't tell him that I'm here, too.

It's a surprise.

And if Miss Petersen arrives?

Oh, she had to return to England.

She wasn't feeling well.

CHURCH BELLS RING

So we're here...

..near the Arsenale, and we are going to walk this way,

to the Accademia Bridge,

then head east, along the Grand Canal.

You can't draw on a map!

It's a betrayal of everything you believe in.

Well, I'm glad you brought that up, Connie, because...

..this is a very special deluxe laminated, wipeable map.

God help me. See?

By what strange witchcraft...?

Too many of your possessions are wipeable.

Uh...

Oh.

Does it not come off?

MUSIC: Cessate, omai cessate by Antonio Vivaldi

PHONE RINGS AND VIBRATES

Hello, Connie? Have you found him?

No, no, not yet.

I just wanted to say I'd arrived safely, in case you were interested.

It'd be nice to be in Venice.

Really? Cos yesterday you said the idea was unbearable.

I just mean... Oh, let's not do that.

How is it there? Well, it's very quiet.

I've decided to go into hiding from the neighbours.

I'm eating weird things from the back of the freezer.

Are you having more fun without me there?

Oh, I see. You DO want to do that.

No-one holding you back, or suffocating you,

no limits, no restrictions?

Is that why you called? No.

No, I'm just very tired.

Well...go to bed. We'll talk tomorrow.

But tell me, were you... Were you always looking for a way out?

Was that what the marriage was for you -

just 20 years of waiting to jump?

No. I know I'm not the most...

What is it? ..emotionally intelligent, but it never

seemed like that to me.

Because it wasn't.

So when did that start?

I can't provide a date and time.

Was it being a parent? Did we...did I...

..do something wrong?

Things change.

Look, we're tired. You're angry. Let's not talk about this now.

I hope you find him.

Hmm! We should get back. Can you walk?

Do you think we're going to be any good at it? What?

Being parents.

I don't see why not. HE SCOFFS

Frankly, when you see some of the idiots that get away with it...

Exactly.

How hard can it be?

I think we're going to be all right.

Strict but fair.

Except not at all strict.

Well...a little strict.

Sometimes.

Douglas. Douglas? Mm?

Can you feel that? It's happening.

My waters have broken.

No, it can't be. It's too soon.

Can we agree, in this situation at least, that I might be right?

Here!

I know.

It's too soon. No, it's not too soon, it's just a little bit early.

It's fine.

OK. I have a folder here,

it has all the information, there's a birth plan, the letters and scans.

CONNIE MOANS

There's a CD of relaxing music in there. Ooh, fucking, fucking hell!

She's at 34 weeks but she's having contractions...

Oh, here comes another one! ..every seven minutes.

That's every seven minutes. Oh, Douglas, fucking hell!

Did I swear at you? You did.

A lot.

So much for that CD.

Yeah, that was a waste of time.

I think even the midwives were taken aback.

Don't take it personally.

She's so tiny. You were excited to come out, weren't you?

Yeah, she wanted to get on with things.

Get started.

CHURCH BELLS CHIME

Another early bird.

Do you mind if I...? No, of course. I'm sorry.

Miles away.

Cake or cheese?

Italian food is marvellous,

but I can't help thinking they've never quite mastered breakfast.

Well, look at that.

That's quite a map you've got there.

Well, if ever a city demanded a good map, it is Venice.

You heart Venice. Hm?

You heart Venice.

I'm sorry, I don't know what that...

Oh, this.

It's all I could find yesterday.

It is awful, isn't it? No.

So, have you been here before?

20 years ago.

Ah, it must have changed a great deal in that time.

Yeah.

Excuse me?

All the new developments.

The skyscrapers. Oh. I see, yes.

HE ENUNCIATES CLEARLY: Back then, it was not even flooded...

May I say something? Mm.

You don't have to talk like that.

I will understand if you just speak normally.

I'm sorry. Oh. Of course.

Your English is beautiful.

So, did you have the...? Well, I must go...

No, sorry, you were saying.

I've just got a lot of ground to cover. Ah. So...

Bye-bye.

Thank you, I appreciate it.

Um, and if you see him here...

We will call you.

But make sure you don't...

Tell him you are here. It's a surprise.

I understand.

Thank you.

MUSIC: Cello Suite No 1, Prelude, by Johann Sebastian Bach

Er, scusi, I'm looking for this person...

MUSIC OVER DIALOGUE

It's quite normal to get lost here. In fact, you're meant to.

Oh, hello.

I'm Freja.

I'm Douglas.

Yes, I'm not actually lost.

It's a very long story.

So imagine you've got two mice in a maze

wandering around separately, random, left and right.

And it's not a regular maze - it's got narrow alleys and dead ends

and wide spaces, and it's big, proportionally big as, well, Venice,

and you want the mice to meet.

Now, is it better for one of the mice to sit still

and hope that the other passes by,

or for both to wander at random?

I think it would be best to wander, but not at random.

Exactly! Random is never random anyway.

Cities are like supermarkets or art galleries,

and there's a natural route.

You don't go down the back alley that smells of wee,

you go past the bakery that smells of fresh bread... That's true.

..and so does everyone else, and you follow the herd.

Now, it takes about 90 minutes to do the most popular circuit,

so if I go round and round...

All day?

..about six or seven times, I stand a chance of finding the other mouse.

Or...one mouse could phone the other and arrange to meet.

Unfortunately, that's not an option.

Oh, I'm sorry, I-I didn't mean to pry.

Oh, it's fine. The whole thing's so eccentric.

The more I think about it, the more impossible it seems.

Except I bumped into you.

You did.

Are you here with anyone?

Me? No, erm, by myself.

Just sightseeing, celebrating my divorce.

I'm sorry. No, it was best for both of us. It's...

Ah, that's the cliche, isn't it?

Your wife?

Oh, she had to return early.

Family reasons.

Well, I should carry on.

Yes, I am off to the Accademia, so...

Can I get this? No, my treat.

Good luck with your quest. Well, thank you.

No time to lose.

Excuse me?

MUSIC OVER DIALOGUE

I've sent e-mails, I've sent texts,

"Please call, we're not angry, we just need to know you're OK,

"just send a word or two for our peace of mind."

It's almost as if he deliberately wants me to feel bad.

I know. Imagine.

Nothing on his Facebook page either.

I thought he kept you out of that.

Albie2001.

What's that?

His password. I'm his mother.

Ah, it looks like my feet have exploded inside my shoes.

Connie, you're not letting the dog sit on the sofa, are you?

Of course not.

Cos he'll get into the habit. What's the hotel like?

HE CHUCKLES

I didn't want to tell you.

It's the one we went to on our honeymoon.

SHE CHUCKLES

Yeah, I remember.

Very gloomy. All that old furniture.

Even the towels are the same.

Same cake for breakfast?

Cake or cheese!

What a stupid idea that was.

Sentimental, I suppose.

It's OK to come home.

He's definitely here, Connie.

Oh, how do you know?

I can feel it.

Well, that's because you want it.

What's that called? Confirmation bias.

Do you think I've gone mad?

Yeah, a little bit mad.

I think you might be right.

Not sure if it's a nervous breakdown or a midlife crisis,

or an intriguing cocktail of the two.

Well...

I miss you.

You, too.

VOICEOVER: You've got to face the truth.

Anyone can paint, Albie, anyone can take a photograph.

The whole world is a photographer now,

and the environment you're going into, the work environment...

Well, I just want you to be a success.

Well, Mum thinks I can be a success! My teacher says...

Well, of course Mike says that - he doesn't have to pay the fees!

The problem with telling people they can do whatever they want

is that it isn't true!

Wanting something doesn't work!

Life has limits, it just does!

Christ!

Success comes to people who work hard at things that are difficult!

And I want you to be a success.

Like you?

Would that be so bad?

The future is frightening, Albie.

It is so frightening,

and I want you to have skills that will help you survive,

and...colouring in, taking your snaps...

..it's not going to do it!

So, basically, I should be scared?

Albie... Base everything I do on fear because I have no talent?

I just think it's a mistake to believe that you're special.

HE BREATHES RAGGEDLY

PLAINTIVE MUSIC OVER DIALOGUE

I was there!

I walked past there six times yesterday!

Ma moglie e cosi bella. No, grazie.

Says you have a beautiful wife.

Didn't you get my message?

He's gone, Douglas.

He's already moved on.

No, no, this is no good!

My bag! My bag is on the train!

Fuck!