Original subtitles

What the...

Thank you.

No, I mean it. Thank you.

Great.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! What are you doing with that?

Just watchin' the sunlight hit it.

That is for tomorrow.

But I'm hungry. I'm just gonna take a leg.

Doug, we are having guests for Thanksgiving,

and I am not serving them a one-legged Turkey.

Oh, what a Turkey can't be handicapped?

What, you got some kind of problem?

Come on, I will find you something in there that is good, ok?

Here we go. Let's see...

Ok, you can't have that. Mashed potatoes, no.

Yams, no. Pie, no.

Ok, you know what? You name one more thing I can't have,

and I'm gonna bukaw you!

Call it.

I'm sorry. I don't think there's anything in here that you can have.

How about stuffing? A little stuffing.

Come on, I love you.

No.

It's stuffing. You can't tell if stuffing's missing.

I'll remold it, I'll even it out.

Hey, look at me. No one has to know.

Ah, ah, ah, look--look it here.

I found something that you can have.

Oh, lunchables. Oh, this is-- this is great.

You know why? 'Cause it's like lunch,

only a lot smaller. This is-- this is going to be perfect.

Thank you very much.

There we go. Hmm.

Mmm.

I'm stuffed!

♪ My eyes are gettin' weary ♪

♪ my back is gettin' tight

♪ I'm sittin' here in traffic ♪

♪ on the queensboro bridge tonight ♪

♪ but I don't care, 'cause all I want to do ♪

♪ is cash my check and drive right home to you ♪

♪ 'cause, baby, all my life

♪ I will be drivin' home to you ♪

Uh, I, for one, am stuffed.

[Yawns]

[Whoops]

Thanksgiving, man. Not a good day to be my pants.

There aren't a lot of real good days.

That's nice, very nice, after we just fed you.

Carrie, the food was unbelievable. Oh, excellent.

(Kelly) Yes, honey, it was delicious. Thank you.

Oh, don't thank me. Thank the good folks at "holiday in a box."

Yeah, but who went and picked it up?

Actually, they--they dropped it off.

Well, come on, girl, who re-heated it?

That's true, I did. Ok, ok, pride is back.

Ah, you know the food is good

when it knocks a man out cold.

Hey, you wanna stick his hand in warm water,

see if we can make him pee?

Yeah.

It'll be nice to be on the other end of that for once.

Even if it does work,

aren't you just going to be ruining your own couch?

A good point, good point.

Let's see here.

Oh, this is perfect. This is great.

[Doug chuckling]

Oh, man. Shh!

[Snickering] I'm sorry.

It's funny, right?

[Laughing]

Actually, my kid could look exactly like that.

Doug, what the hell are you doing to him?

We're just dressin' him up like a big baby, relax.

Stop it!

Just killin' time till dessert.

Doug, it's Thanksgiving. Could you be nice?

I think I have a right to mess with him on Thanksgiving.

Dessert's up.

What are you talking about?

Are you kidding me? Remember how he tortured me

the first Thanksgiving I met him?

My god, it was hell.

I remember Thanksgiving very well. It was a great day.

It was the first time I--I got the nerve up to tell you "I love you."

Got the nerve up?

It wasn't so hard after I told you.

What? You think you told me first?

Si, senorita.

Uh, I think I told you first, senor.

Ok, you know what? Don't go Spanish. I went Spanish.

Spanish?

That got you up?

You know what? Dad will know.

Dad, do you remember meeting, uh, Doug

for the first time on Thanksgiving?

Of course I remember meeting Doug.

I believe it was Thanksgiving.

Daddy, we're going to the Thanksgiving party now.

Have fun, sweetheart.

Hey!

You touch one hair on her head,

I'll gut you like a fish. Now scram!

Dad, that was Donny peacock, and we were 8 years old.

And he ran out of the house crying.

I am talking about meeting Doug on Thanksgiving.

You don't remember?

I'll take the Thanksgiving special, kimiko.

Yes, Arthur-San.

No, that couldn't be the one.

Dad, 1993, I had been dating Doug a few months,

you were still married to Lily. You remember?

[Exclaims]

[Both laugh]

Here you go, a little taste of what's coming.

Delicious, as are you, my lady.

Ah.

[Moaning]

Guys, guys, guys, guys!

My boyfriend's gonna be here any minute,

and we're not close to ready. Any chance we can get dinner going

before you guys get to 3rd base?

You heard her, get off.

So, uh, who is this, uh, happerman fellow?

Heffernan, dad, Doug Heffernan.

He's the guy I've been dating for 6 months.

Any relation to Lou Heffernan?

I don't know. Uh, where's the ladle?

Oh, wouldn't that be funny if they were related, huh?

Yes, that would be very, very funny, Lily.

Listen, um, by the way, you guys,

I took down your naked poster of John and yoko.

Please don't fight me on that.

So, what is this young man's line of work, anyway?

Uh, he's training to be a driver at I.P.S.

Whoa, boy.

Dad, it's a good job.

Yeah, it's a swell job, until they invent a machine to do it.

Come on, who are you to talk?

You Polish bowling balls for a living.

I Polish and engrave them.

Show me the machine that can do that.

Leave her alone, Arthur.

I'm glad she finally found a boy she's serious about.

Has he told you he loves you yet?

Oh, not yet. He's not the, uh,

say-I-love-you-out-loud type of guy.

Hmm.

Well, I know I'm not your mother, dear,

but may I still offer you a word of advice?

Oh, sure.

If you wanna make a sale,

you gotta let the customer sample the merchandise.

Absolutely. I will do him in his car tonight.

Leave her alone, Lily.

Just because you gave it away, doesn't mean she should.

Well, I wouldn't have if you hadn't been

so damn good at the mambo.

[Exclaims]

♪ [Both scatting]

Guys, guys, stop that.

Dad, ok, ok. Let me explain something here. Ok?

I--I really, really like this guy

and I've put off having him meet you for 6 months,

but at this point, I'm running out of excuses.

So if you two could,

I don't know, maybe, imitate normal people,

just for today, I would really appreciate it.

Because Doug is very, very special.

Gotcha. Damn.

Oh! It's worth the mini-puke to be the best.

See, that's where we're different.

I'm not that committed.

Hello, Douglas!

Hey, man! Hey, this is the guy

I was telling you about from work.

Uh, Deacon Palmer, Spence olchin.

At your service.

Word up, Spence.

Oh, most people call me "the spencenator."

So, Doug, are you nervous about meeting Carrie's family?

Yeah, I kind of am, you know?

I thought I would've met 'em sooner,

but, uh, apparently they spend a lot of time in the orient.

So you guys are startin' to get serious.

I think so. I think so.

Oh. Have you said the "I" word yet?

Not yet.

It's cocked and loaded, though.

Today could be the day.

You're gonna tell her you love her? Wow.

The only time I heard you use that word

was talking about pork snacks and mookie Wilson.

Well, Carrie's about to join that exclusive club.

Ho-ho-ho.

♪ Do-do-do-do

♪ Doug and Carrie

♪ can't touch them

ok, this baby is ready for action.

Good heavens, we've got a lot of food here.

Hope your Doug fellow likes to eat.

I think we're good.

Oh, Arthur, I told you, 2 hours ago, to clean up

all these boat brochures.

Well, I'm sorry,

but I'm right on the verge of a decision.

Stop it, Arthur.

We are not buying a boat.

Oh, come on, Lily darling.

I even have a name all picked out for her.

The Lily darling.

♪ [Music playing on car stereo]

♪ Know what I mean

Arthur, you are such a dreamer!

I am not. All I have to do is go to the bank, get a loan,

and 5 minutes later, I'm capt. Arty of the Lily darling.

It is not that simple to get a loan, Arthur.

Boats are very expensive.

Oh, I see.

So is this your way of rubbing the bankruptcy in my face?

[Birds chirping]

♪ Saw her picture in a magazine ♪

♪ Ba dum, dum

why don't you go back to the street corner where I found you?

I was waiting for the bus!

Whatever helps you sleep at night!

(Carrie) Dad, get out of the bathroom, now!

(Arthur) No! She's violent!

(Lily) He's a moron!

(Arthur) She shaves her lip!

(Lily) His nipples don't match!

(Carrie) You're insane!

(Arthur) I heard that!

(Carrie) Crap, he's here!

(Lily) I'll get it!

(Carrie) Don't get it!

(Lily) I have to get it!

The poor schmo is standing right on the porch!

Hi, you must be Doug.

One sec, hon.

(Lily) He's here! Now get out of the freakin' crapper!

Dad, will you just come out?

(Arthur) Not until she apologizes.

Lily, just apologize. You don't have to mean it,

just say the words.

All right. I'm sorry!

Did you hear that, daddy?

She said she's sorry. That's so sweet of her.

Now come on out.

(Arthur) Are we getting a boat?

Just say yes.

The second lie is always easier.

Yes! We can get a boat.

Ah! Do you hear that, dad?

You're gonna get your boat.

(Arthur) And a jet ski!

A jet ski!

Oh, god.

You're insane! You're not gonna get anything,

you little pain in the ass!

I hope you stay in that bathroom forever!

(Arthur) Maybe I will.

And by the way,

I am currently making a lewd gesture!

[Doorbell rings]

Oh, you, miserable old people!

I can't believe you're doing this to me!

[Pants]

[Car door slams]

[Car engine starting]

Carrie?

[Car engine accelerating]

Doug!

It's so nice to finally meet you.

Come in, please, will you?

So...

Yeah!

How are you enjoying the food, dear?

Oh. It's--it's great. Thanks.

Oh, thank you so much for bringing these buffalo wings.

They look delicious.

No problem. Uh, they're from, uh, Cooper's.

They're--they're famous for their wings.

Half of these are hot,

the other half are mild.

I didn't know what you guys liked.

I like hot.

I like mild.

Hey, that's-- that's what makes the world go round, huh?

[Both laugh]

Question for you: Is Carrie coming back at any point?

Oh, of course she is!

I think she's having a visit from her aunt flo.

So, how would you like a nice warm biscuit?

Ok. Yeah, sure.

Be back in a jiff.

(Arthur) Is the bitch gone?

Did someone-- someone... hello?

(Arthur) Is she gone?

Uh, yeah, she's in the kitchen.

Arthur spooner. I'm Carrie's father.

Oh, hi. Doug Heffernan.

So, you're with I.P.S., huh?

Yeah, I.P.S., yeah.

Aren't you concerned about losing your job to a machine?

Not really, no. I, uh...

See, I drive to a lot of people's houses

and--and deliver packages to them.

I, uh, don't know really how a machine would do that.

Oh, it's gonna happen, my friend.

They're working on it even as we speak.

[Oven timer dings]

(Lily) They're ready.

I was never here!

Here you go. Piping hot.

Ooh! Let me freshen up that orangina.

Give me a drumstick!

Drumstick! Now!

Thank you.

There you go, sweetheart.

Where's the other drumstick?

I don't, um, I, uh...

I think this one started out with one.

Arthur! Give me back that drumstick!

(Arthur) You'll have to pry it out of my dead, cold hands!

Excuse me, where-- where's the bathroom?

The psycho is in it.

Arthur, Doug has to go to the bathroom!

Now, get out!

(Arthur) No. He can come in if he wants, but I'm staying.

Son, what do you have, number 1 or number 2?

So, you've been dating my daughter for quite a while now.

Huh?

Yes, about, uh, 6 months now, sir.

So, pretty serious?

Oh, yes. She-- she's a-- she's a great girl.

And, uh, you are planning to get the weight off?

Absolutely. I'm on it.

Problem with the plumbing, son?

No, no. You know, I'm just havin' a hard time

going with you in here.

Oh, why didn't you say so?

By all means, I'll give you some privacy.

Oh, well, thank you.

(Arthur) So, where're you from?

Regal park.

Oh, wonderful area.

You must know my friend Stan.

Runs the shoe-shine joint down by the dunkin' donuts.

Nah, you know what? Nope. Don't know him.

Sure you do.

I'm sorry, don't know, Mr. spooner.

For god's sake, son, Stan!

Stan!

Shoe-shine Stan!

Oh, shoe...

Shoe-shine st-- yes, oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah, he did rub my shoes. Yep, yeah.

There you go.

Ok, you know what?

I'm not havin' any luck with this.

I'm just gonna go up to the mobile station on the corner.

They're gonna make you buy something.

Ok.

(Lily) You out, Doug?

Want some pie?

Oh, sweet freedom!

You're here?

Well, were you here the whole time?

No. I drove down to the 7-11

to get a pack of capris.

Oh, did you? Oh, that's nice.

Do you mind if I...?

You don't smoke.

That's right, I don't smoke!

Why did you leave?

Because I...

I--I didn't wanna be there for the moment

when you realized I come from a crazy farm!

You know what? I would love to hear this, but I--I gotta pee.

Yeah, ok. You gotta pee. You know what?

Why don't you call me in 6 months when you're done peeing.

Ok? We'll have a cup of coffee.

6-- what are you talking about? "6 months."

I gotta pee, I'm serious.

Look, if you wanna just go, go!

My--my--my whole life's been a freak show, I don't even blame you.

What are you doing?

(Carrie) Bye!

I was gonna tell you I love you today, dumb ass!

I'm really gonna burst.

(Arthur) Douglas!

Oh, god! Now I'm locked up.

(Arthur) Douglas, over here!

Yeah, Mr. spooner?

Listen, I couldn't help but overhear your little argument.

Uh, yeah. Do you think it's possible

that you could send Carrie out?

She's too upset.

You can't talk to her when she's like this.

Listen, you seem like a good kid.

Wait here, and I'll go talk to her.

Try to patch things up.

No promises, but I'll see what I can do.

[Sighs]

Sorry, son. No go.

Really?

Believe me, I tried.

But she didn't wanna hear a word of it.

Anyway, it was a pleasure to meet you.

Maybe someday, when this blows over,

we'll sit on my boat and have a good laugh.

If you still have to pee,

feel free to go on the azaleas. They're hers.

Doug?

Yes?

Did you just say you were gonna tell me you loved me?

Yes. Yes, I did.

Did you just pee in our bushes?

Yes. Yes, I did.

I love you.

I love you, too.

(Arthur) Where you going?

Carrie, come back!

He's got no future!

I'm tellin' you, the two of you

will be livin' in my house within 5 years!

Carrie!

And we drove off. End of story.

I said "I love you" first, right after you peed.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Are you even listening to your own story?

Way before that, I said, "I love you, dumb ass."

No, no. You said,

"'I was gonna say I love you, dumb ass.'"

but you didn't actually say it.

And by the way, "dumb ass" kind of killed it anyway.

Now you're punchin' wild. You know it's the same thing.

It's not the same thing. If you say you're gonna take the garbage out,

but you don't actually take the garbage out,

is the garbage out?

I don't know where the garbage is--

look, the point is, the words "I love you"

were never said until I said them.

Well, I said "I wanna have sex" first.

That was all you, yeah.

What's that?

It's the new engraving and buffing machine.