Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Yes. Thank you.

Thank you, sir. Bye.

[chuckles] Guess who that was.

Imagine, an alligator bag for only $22.

Mr. Canfield.

[Carol] I wonder if that bag is genuine alligator.

He says that I'm one of the smartest architects

he's ever had working for him.

What did you say, dear?

The main thing is never to wear an alligator bag

with lizard shoes and a turtleneck sweater,

or you're liable to get snapped to death.

Typical American scene-- busy wife, dizzy husband.

- Hello, Roger. How about some coffee? - No, thanks.

Kay's going shopping. She wants to know if you'd like to join her.

Oh, good. I'll hurry and get dressed.

Oh, honey, they're running a sale at Mayfair's

on alligator bags for only $22.

At those prices, you're probably getting the slow swimmers.

Excuse me. See you later, boys.

What were you two prattling about before I came in?

Oh, I don't know. I guess wives are all the same, Rog.

But when Carol gets into that paper, somehow she won't listen.

Even if the house were on fire, she'd--

- Rog? - I heard you. The house is on fire.

You thinking of getting an alligator bag, too?

What? Oh. Oh. I'm sorry.

I hate to tell Carol not to spend money,

but, gee, lately I've been getting

some big bills, you know?

Wilbur, your troubles are over.

How would you like to make $25,000?

I'd love to, but Carol won't let me marry a rich widow.

That your answer? No, no. Really. I'm serious. Just listen to this.

"Entertainer seeks new talent for Las Vegas.

"George Burns offers $25,000 for a novelty act

that has never been seen before."

You can play the bagpipes.

You call that a novelty act?

If you play them underwater, yeah.

I could sure use that money. Hmm.

I wish I were Houdini. There was a great act.

You know, I saw a novelty act once. Really a great one.

Oh, this was a long time ago. Had everybody fooled.

Thought I had a talking dog.

- A talking dog. - Yeah, a German police dog.

But it talked with such a heavy accent,

nobody could understand him.

A talking animal.

Yeah, the act broke up, though, in 1929,

when they found out the fella was a ventriloquist.

- Who squealed? - His dog.

A talking animal. That would be a real novelty, wouldn't it?

George Burns would pay $25,000 for it in a minute,

if there were such a thing.

Well, I'll see you later.

Goodbye, Carol.

I have $25,000 right in my barn.

[Woman] Now, students,

to conclude our first French lesson,

repeat after me.

Je vois Marie.

I see Marie.

Uh, joo vwah Marie.

I see Marie.

Tu vois Marie.

You see Marie.

Too vwah Marie.

You see Marie.

- Remember, that is the familiar. - [laughs]

If we all see Marie, she sure is. Ha ha!

- Il voit Marie. - Ed, wait till you hear this.

He sees Marie.

- [radio off] - Guess what.

Turn that radio back on, Wilbur.

I can't cut class the first day.

George Burns is offering $25,000

for a novelty act for his new show in Las Vegas.

- So? - So have a lump of sugar.

And what's the catch?

You are the new novelty act.

Me, a novelty act?

What do I do that's different?

You're the only horse in the world who talks.

For pleasure, not for money.

Look, Ed, forget yourself once, will you?

Forget yourself. Think about me.

Wouldn't you like to help me.

Wouldn't you like to see me free from all money worries?

Believe me, Wilbur, too much money only ruins people.

So ruin me, Ed. Ruin me.

Look, I've never asked you for a favor before,

have I, old friend?

Won't you talk to George Burns, please?

For me?

Excuse me.

I hate to see a man cry.

Look, don't you turn your back on me.

Ed, I know how you feel,

but surely we can sit down

and talk this over like two grown--

like a grown man and a stubborn horse.

Sorry, Wilbur.

If I start talking to other people,

I'll just be another freak.

And that's your final decision?

Put yourself in my place.

Never mind. I asked you to do me a favor.

You won't do it? Okay. Okay.

Now at least I know where I stand.

I'm not gonna beg you. I'm not gonna beg you, Ed.

A horse isn't born that will see

Wilbur Post down on his knees.

Oh, I'm begging you, Ed,

won't you please talk to George Burns?

Sorry. Mother taught us kids

never to talk to strangers.

- [chattering] - Welcome home.

- Well, hiya, doll. - Hi, Roger.

- Did you girls buy the alligator bags? - Oh, no.

But Kay got something.

Guess what you bought me for my birthday, doll.

Your birthday? That's three months away.

Oh, but not the Mayfair sale.

Thanks for the gift, angel.

You have such wonderful taste.

I'm glad you like it.

Well, do I get to see what I bought you,

or are you going to surprise me with it on your birthday?

Oh, wait till you see it, Addison.

It's a perfect gift.

Something I just never have bought for myself.

Don't let it worry you because I know the chump who's paying for it.

- Oh, thank you. - There.

Thanks, Carol. Look.

It's a Japanese ceremonial robe.

Pure silk. Well?

Doesn't she look like Madame Butterfly?

Yeah. When she was a caterpillar.

Oh, Roger.

Well, I'd better start Wilbur's dinner.

Oh, Carol, I'd like to talk to you about Wilbur.

- Why? Is anything wrong? - I'm very fond of Wilbur, Carol.

- Frankly, I'm worried about him. - Why?

I stopped by the barn this morning,

and, well, I found him talking to his horse again.

So what? Lots of people talk to their animals--

horses, dogs, cats, canaries.

True, but they don't expect them to answer back.

Oh, Roger. Wilbur doesn't expect Mister Ed to answer him.

Carol, I was standing there, and I heard him

begging that old plug to do him a favor.

- Favor? What favor? - Don't ask me.

All I know is that when he goes into that barn,

he enters the Twilight Zone.

He talks to that animal

as if it were human. And do you know why?

Because Mister Ed is really his brother.

Exactly.

Butterfly, one more crack like that,

and I'll reach for the net.

Why does Wilbur talk to Mister Ed so much?

Now, I don't want to offend you, Carol,

but I suspect it's because he feels he has no one else to confide in.

Oh, well, I'm his wife. He can confide in me.

I'm not so sure.

This morning at breakfast, he was trying to talk about

something that was very important to him,

and all you could talk about was alligator bag.

I hate to admit it, but I think Addison makes sense.

I think so, too.

Thank you very much, Roger.

From now on, when Wilbur talks to me, I'm going to listen.

I'm going to try and be an understanding wife.

- Good girl. - Bye-bye.

Bye.

There must be a way to make him talk.

Humans are smarter than animals.

There must be a way to keep him from pestering me.

Animals are smarter than humans.

I gotta make him talk to George Burns.

I'm not talking to George Burns.

Darling, I heard you mumbling.

Is anything bothering you?

Something I can help you with?

No, I have a problem. Only I can solve it.

Wilbur,

remember how we used to talk before we were married?

Who talked? We were always necking.

Darling, please share your problem with me.

All right.

Honey, if you wanted somebody to talk,

and he was acting stubborn,

how would you go about breaking him down?

Well, what is it you want him to say?

Anything. Lincoln's Gettysburg Address.

"How now brown cow. Hello, goodbye.

Thanks for the 25,000."

What 25,000?

I know what you're gonna say. Goad him into talking.

Tell him how stupid he's acting.

Tell him his IQ is the lowest.

Whose IQ?

That's it! Honey, you solved it.

Appeal to his pride. [laughs]

Oh.

Thank you, my sweetheart.

Ed, I'm sorry I tried to make you talk, old buddy boy.

- Huh? - I've just been reading this book

on animal psychology.

It says that horses have the lowest IQ of the animal kingdom.

All right. So I'm stupid. Get me a dunce cap.

Don't believe me, huh?

Just let me read you what it says here. [clears throat]

Uh, "Monkeys, dogs, cats, and cows

"are all smarter than the horse.

Even the lowly mule is a genius compared to the horse."

[chuckles] Name me one mule that ever won the Kentucky Derby.

Haven't you got any pride? Look. Listen to this.

"According to IQ tests, even a skunk

is more intelligent than a horse."

Then how come he doesn't take showers?

Excuse me.

Where are you hiding the carrots today?

I am not gonna tell you.

Ed, doesn't it bother you

that psychologists consider the horse stupid?

Aren't you gonna do something to prove that horses have some intelligence?

All right. You found them.

Stop showing off how smart you are.

A household hint, Wilbur--

store carrots in a cool, dark place

to keep them fresh.

Ed, if you'd talk on George Burns' show,

you'll be the idol of millions.

You'll be on TV and the movies.

There won't be a filly in the world

that'll be able to resist you.

[chuckles] I've got all I can handle right now.

So you're not gonna help me get the 25,000, huh?

I think that offer Burns made is a phony.

Ed, I'm gonna see Mr. Burns tomorrow

and tell him about you.

And if he agrees to put up the money,

whether you like it or not,

you are gonna talk.

- [door opens, closes] - There's only one thing worse

than a talking horse--

a talking man.

[sighs]

Oh, is Mr. Burns in, please?

- Yes. - Thank you.

[phone ringing]

Hello?

Yeah, this is George Burns.

Yep, that's true about the money.

But the act has gotta be a great novelty act.

What does your client do?

He sings "Melancholy Baby" while you shoot him out of a canon.

Where is he now? In Chicago?

Well, shoot him out here. I'd like to look at him.

And by the way, this is a long trip.

Have him learn two more songs. Goodbye.

This is murder.

Me and my ideas.

- Mr. Burns? - Yeah? What do you do?

Are you kidding? I'm your secretary.

I'm sorry, Mary. What a day.

I got rid of most of the acts in the reception room.

There's only two left.

Good. Is that man still out there

who dives 600 feet into a rain barrel?

Yes, sir.

Uh, but he says he wants you to give his wife

the money before he dives,

because he told me he never did the act before.

Well, uh, tell him I can't use him.

And if he ever does the act,

tell him to put lukewarm water in the rain barrel.

I wouldn't want a smart fellow like that to catch cold.

- [mutters] - Anybody else out there?

And I know I'm gonna be sorry I asked.

Yeah, some man who says he's got a talking horse.

Talking-- Is he sitting on our couch, or is he lying down?

He's sitting.

He's in the wrong position.

Yeah, I'll get rid of him.

Mary, send him in.

This one is on me.

- Will you come in? - Oh, thank you.

Mr. Burns, I'm Mr. Post.

So far, you're doing good.

I, uh-- I read your story in the paper about your novelty act,

and, uh, I have a horse that talks.

A shame.

You're such a young fella. Sit down, Mr. Post.

Thank you.

You, uh-- You say you, uh, have a horse that talks.

Yes, sir.

Uh, what-- what language does your horse talk?

Well, his native tongue is English.

But he's very intelligent.

And lately he's been studying French.

Nice to hear about your horse.

Let's get down to business.

I'm-- I'm looking for a novelty act.

Have you got anything like that?

Well, my horse.

He talks. I mean, he'd be a sensation.

Well, at least it hasn't been kicked.

It's a fresh idea. It might even be better

than Dean Martin and his pink elephants.

Mr. Burns, I don't think you believe me.

Now, what makes you say that?

Oh, you mean, you believe that my horse talks?

Of course. I've been married to Gracie Allen over 30 years.

- I'd believe anything. - Wonderful.

Would you talk to him on the phone?

Of course. Success hasn't gone to my head.

- I talk to anybody. - That's wonderful.

- Why are we smiling? - I don't know.

Oh.

Ed? Is that you?

Yeah.

Ed, I, uh-- I'm with Mr. George Burns.

He'd like to say a few words to you.

Well, okay.

But tell him to make it snappy.

Ricky Starr is on TV in a few minutes.

He's-- He's on the phone now, huh?

- My horse. - Yeah.

Hello, horse?

Hello, Burns.

You're a horse, and you talk, huh?

Yes, but not to you.

Goodbye.

[loud click]

I haven't hired him yet,

and success has gone to his head.

Honestly, that was my horse talking.

Excuse me.

- I must open the window. - Why?

I'm expecting somebody to fly in here from Chicago any minute.

I don't believe

that you believe that my horse talks.

- [intercom buzzes] - No, I don't.

- [door opens] - Did you buzz, Mr. Burns?

Yes. Will you show Mr. Post out?

He may have a little trouble finding it by himself.

I understand.

What if I find a witness?

Somebody who will testify that my horse really talks?

And I don't mean another horse.

Get a witness, and you got a deal.

Good.

Well, that should do it for the morning.

Oh, no, Mr. Burns.

There's a man who just came in

who says he hangs from a wire by his teeth and dances the twist.

That's no novelty.

Yeah, but he says he's tattooed all over,

and when he does it, you see moving pictures.

Get rid of him. I'd rather watch television.

Yes, sir.

- [door opens, closes] - Talking horse.

[laughing]

Oh, brother.

- Hi, Wilbur. - Rog.

Rog, you couldn't have come over

at a more opportune time.

- Rog, we're good friends, right? - Of course.

I mean, if I wanted you to do me a favor--

no questions asked-- you'd do it, right?

If you paid me back within the week, yeah.

It's not money. I want you to be a witness

when somebody talks in their sleep.

Do you think Carol will allow me in your bedroom?

No, it isn't Carol. It-- It's, uh, somebody else.

He always talks in his sleep after a heavy meal,

and I need a witness.

So if I phone you, would you rush right over?

- All right. Who is this? - Remember, Rog, no questions asked.

Good. I'll be waiting for your call.

And I understand everything except what you just told me.

- There we are, Ed. - Oh, brother.

Nothing like a nice, heavy meal just before you go to bed.

But this is my third bale of hay.

Eat. It'll put hair on your tail.

Why are you stuffing me tonight, Wilbur?

Stuffing? Who's stuffing you?

I'm so full of hay,

put some springs in me and you got a mattress.

Poor old Ed. You look so tired.

So sleepy.

[yawns] I'm glad you're not making me

talk to that Mr. Burns, Wilbur.

Ah. You just relax, Ed.

- [sighs] - There you are.

Just close those great big sleepy eyes

and drift off into the land of nod, huh?

[Mister Ed yawns]

Just relax.

Relax.

♪ Rock-a-bye horsey ♪

♪ In the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

♪ The cradle will rock ♪

♪ When the bough breaks ♪

♪ The cradle will fall ♪

♪ And down will come cradle ♪

♪ Horsey ♪

♪ And all ♪

[Mister Ed sighs]

Who you calling, Wilbur?

Uh, nobody, Ed.

Was he home?

Look, I-- I was just calling the newspaper for tomorrow's weather.

Why? Did you think they'd send it today?

Now, look, Ed, you are fighting sleep,

and I can't stay here all this time.

I've had a hard day, and I'm tired myself.

So, Ed, will you please go to sleep?

All right.

Then tell me a story.

Okay.

[grunts, sighs]

Which story you want to hear, Ed?

Uh, about Cinderella.

That kid with the glass slipper is a gas.

Well, once upon a time, Ed,

there was three sisters, see.

And the youngest of the sisters was called Cinderella.

And Cinderella had been working hard all day.

Yeah, but her stepmother

was very, very cruel to her.

- Yes. - Now, it happened

that one day a handsome prince

passed through their little town.

Yeah, that's right, Wilbur.

Have a nice sleep.

Happy, happy dreams.

♪ Rock-a-bye, ba-- Wilbur ♪

♪ In the treetop ♪

♪ When the wind blows ♪

♪ The cradle will rock ♪

Congratulations, Mister Ed.

You are the first horse to ever receive a sheepskin.

[laughs] It was nothing.

[clears throat]

Hello, Congressmen.

[coughing]

Cough drop, Senator?

Get lost, boy.

I'm introducing a new bill.

[clears throat]

Fellow Congressmen,

we're getting nowhere with people sense.

It's time now for a little horse sense.

So, that's about it.

Our boys just weren't able to break this code,

and we'll have to have your help again, Mister Ed.

Mister Ed?

I'm sorry, sir. Major Ed.

Proceed, Lieutenant.

Well, sir, if you could break this code,

we'd know just where to drop you over enemy territory.

Looks easy, but there's something I gotta do first.

- Private Post. - Yes, Major, sir.

Scratch my back.

[groans]

Oh, a carrot. Give me a carrot.

It's been three days.

Will you tell us your country's secrets, Major,

or do you starve?

Never. I have but one life.

- Should I give him the hose? - No.

He ate the first one.

You'd save us a lot of trouble, my friend,

if you'd just tell us what we ask you.

I have only one thing to say to you rats.

What is that?

Help!

The ASPCA boys will get you for this.

[Man] Firing squad, ready, aim,

fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire, fire.

Oh, no. Don't shoot. It's all my fault.

What's the matter, Wilbur?

Ed! Oh, Ed!

Oh, thank heaven you're alive.

Oh, what a terrible dream.

[chuckles] Funny. I eat three bales of hay,

and you get nightmares.

Ed, never again will I force you to talk to anybody.

Never.

How about all that money?

Oh, Ed, I'd rather have you than $25,000.

I'd rather have you than 25,000 carrots.

[laughs]

You crazy horse. [laughs]

One more lump, please.

Sorry, Ed. No more sugar.

Please, Wilbur, just one more lump.

Ed, I'm not gonna have a horse with cavities.

I promise to brush my teeth.

- I said no, Ed. - Aw.

Ah, what a secret for one man to keep.

Ed, you've got no idea what a miracle this is.

I mean, a horse talking.

I know. I didn't believe people talked

till I heard it myself.

[both laughing]

All right.

[laughing]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.