Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ A pretty little filly with a ponytail ♪

[clears throat]

And now my latest hit,

"When You Galloped Out Of My Life,

You Left Hoofprints On My Heart."

[clears throat]

♪ Well-- ♪

Ed, how many times have I told you

to stop fooling around with my tape recorder?

One of these days, somebody's going to catch you talking,

and your secret will be out.

No, it won't.

I'll just tell them I swallowed a parrot.

Will you stop making those awful wise cracks?

Why are you so grouchy today?

I'm sorry, Ed.

I'm just in a bad mood.

I haven't slept for three nights.

It's that new neighbor who moved in behind us.

Boy, the noise. It's a wonder you haven't heard it.

No, I haven't, but you know me--

I sleep like a horse.

Oh, boy. Well, it's been going on for three nights now.

Television set blaring away, hi-fi going.

[yawns]

Some people have no consideration for others, you know.

Boy, I'm beat.

I think I'll take a little snooze.

Maybe I'll hit the hay myself.

Whoops, I forgot. I ate it.

[phone rings]

I'll get it.

Thanks.

Hello?

Oh, hi, honey.

Yeah, I was just going to rest a while.

All right, I'll be right in.

There goes my nap.

Soon as I get comfortable,

my wife finds something for me to do.

That's why you'll never see a horse with a wedding ring.

Carol, did you want me?

Oh, Wilbur, I got the most wonderful idea

from The Decorator's Journal on how to rearrange

all the furniture in our living room.

Oh, my aching back.

Honey, would you please move that couch over here

so it'll face the fireplace?

Carol, Carol, please--

Look, I haven't slept for three nights. I am worn out.

Well, if you don't want to help me, just say so.

Okay, I don't want to help you.

Oh, just a minute. You're not getting out of it that fast.

Honey, it'll only take a minute.

Okay.

Never see a horse wearing a wedding ring.

Hmm?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Carol?

Hi, Paul.

Hi, sweetie pie, how are you?

Where's Wilbur? Is he out in his office?

What?

Oh, isn't that interesting?

She's using Wilbur for a doily.

It's very original, but I don't think he matches the drapes.

Wilbur.

I think he matches the rug much better, don't you, sis?

Yes, but he clashes with the wallpaper.

Oh.

Oh, I must have dozed off there.

It's those noisy neighbors we have.

I haven't slept for three nights.

Neither has anybody else in this neighborhood.

I came down here to spend a quiet weekend with my sister,

and it's like living in a penny arcade.

I'll help you, Carol.

Wilbur, I've drawn up this petition so we can do something about it.

- Here, sign it. - All right.

At the bottom.

At the bottom. Yeah.

This is a pleasure, you know. Boy, they have some nerve.

We-- Oh, you've got more signatures here

than there are people in the neighborhood.

Some of the people are so mad, they signed it twice.

Smart idea.

If there's anything I can't stand,

it's neighbors who are thoughtless.

Neither can I, so give me back my pen.

Sorry. I'm so sleepy, I don't know what I'm doing.

On account of those neighbors,

I haven't done a bit of work all day.

Boy, I'd like to tell them off.

Give me that petition.

I am going to deliver this personally right now.

That's the old pepper in there.

Now, Wilbur, don't do anything rash.

I should have done this after the first night.

You know, you can only push me so far, and then watch out.

Somebody should go along with him.

He might get into a fight.

Hey, that's a great idea.

I'll do the dishes while you're gone, you tiger you.

Oh, come, Paul. You're such a fool.

Go on, brother dear. Go on.

Wilbur--

Don't lose your temper.

After all, we hardly know anything about these people.

- We know they're noisy. - Oh.

I don't know why you're backing down so suddenly.

This whole petition was your idea.

Yes, but it was your idea

to deliver the petition in person.

I've got a better idea.

Why don't we just slip it under the door and run?

If you're scared, get behind me.

Scared? Who, me? Oh.

[rings doorbell]

Yes?

How do you do?

I represent a committee for--

We have-- It's a committee--

We have a--

Aren't you Zsa Zsa Gabor?

Yes. Why?

Oh, allow me to introduce myself.

I'm Paul Fenton, a neighbor of yours.

How do you do?

- And I'm Wilbur Post, also a neighbor. - Hello.

As a matter of fact,

our backyards touch each other.

How romantic.

You said you are from some kind of a committee?

Yes, it's a welcoming committee.

Oh, this is just an informal visit.

The cake and champagne will come later.

That's very sweet of you boys.

Wouldn't you come in, please?

Yes.

We can only stay an hour or two.

This paper, is that for me?

Yes. No!

Oh, no. This is a little speech we wrote,

but after seeing you,

what is there to say but welcome to the neighborhood?

How sweet you are both. Really.

When I rented this house,

I didn't know it's going to be such a mishmash.

And with my maid gone for a week,

I really don't know what I would have done without you boys.

Oh, we'd have been here sooner if we'd known your predicament.

Where do you want this, Zsa Zsa?

Well, darling, why don't you put it

right over there to the fireplace?

Okay.

I'm so lucky to have such wonderful neighbors.

Oh, Zsas, one human being helping another.

That's real togetherness.

That's right.

Darling, you missed that corner over there.

- Where? - Right there.

Oh. Oh, I could kill myself.

Are you sure you want it this way?

Kay, I'm worried.

They've been gone over an hour.

Something must have happened.

Oh, what could have happened?

There could have been a fight.

Not with Paul along. He's all mouth and no hands.

Wilbur was very angry when he left here.

I think I'll go over and see what's happened. Coming?

All right, but I'd better get some smelling salts first.

Smelling salts?

Yeah. If there was any trouble, my brother's in a dead faint.

Come on, dear, let's go. Quickly.

Kay, you're priceless.

Where do you want this, Zsas?

Is that too heavy to take it upstairs in my bedroom?

No. You say the word, I'll have it up on the roof.

Be careful, darling. Careful.

Matter of balance, you know.

Careful, darling.

Now that we're on the stairs, why, we're all right.

Oh, oh.

- [loud crash] - [doorbell rings]

I'll get it.

Paul Fenton, what are you doing?

I was just mopping the floor.

[Zsa Zsa] Paul! Darling!

Paul darling?

Hello.

Oh, Zsas-- I mean Zsa Zsa--

I mean Miss Gabor--

This is my, uh-- My, uh--

My, uh--

Sister, remember?

Oh, yes. My sister Kay.

Hello.

Zsa Zsa Gabor. What a surprise.

So you're our new neighbor.

Only temporarily. I took this place for a month or two.

I got it.

I got it, Zsas.

Hi, Carol.

Carol.

Willy, Willy, darling, are you hurt?

No, no, I'm all right, Zsas.

I mean, Zsa Zsa.

I mean--

Try noisy neighbor.

Miss Gabor, I'd like you to meet my wife Carol.

How do you do?

Carol, this is Miss Gabor.

And I'd like you to meet Paul's sister Kay.

Kay, this is Miss Gabor.

You've met Paul.

- Yes, of course. - Paul is Kay's brother.

And you met Carol.

Yes, thank you. Several times.

I think it's a wonderful idea, this welcoming committee.

Welcoming committee?

Yes.

[phone rings]

Excuse me, I'll be back.

She's kidding.

Hello?

Zsa Zsa, this is Jack Brady.

Have you changed your mind, sweetheart, about doing that movie for my company?

No, no, no.

Not if I have to ride a horse.

You know I'm deadly afraid of horses.

Look, I'll ride anything. I'll ride a train,

a hot rod, a yacht, a boat.

I only ride things with a motor inside of it.

Goodbye.

That silly man. I keep on telling him

I don't want to make his horse picture.

I'm not a cowgirl. I'm Zsa Zsa Gabor.

I'm not Wild Bill Buffalo.

That's too bad.

You know, if you had your own horse,

you'd grow to love them. They're great animals.

I used to feel the very same way you do,

until we got our Mister Ed.

He's smarter than most men.

Who cares about smart horses?

I feel much safer on a stupid yacht.

Oh, I don't want to sound personal, Miss Gabor,

but won't you be losing a lot of money

by turning down this picture?

Yes, but what else can I do?

Look, why don't you drop by the house and meet our horse?

I'd like to show you how gentle and friendly these animals can be.

Thank you very much, but I don't want

to put you both through too much trouble.

Oh, no. No trouble at all.

I mean, after all, what are welcoming committees for?

Hi, Ed.

Hi.

I'm going to spruce you up a little.

Zsa Zsa Gabor is coming over to see you.

Who's he?

It's not a he, it's a she.

With a capital she.

Miss Gabor is one of the most glamorous stars in Hollywood.

Pretty legs?

Uh-huh.

How many?

Two.

Not interested.

Ed, I want you to be

on your best behavior today.

See, Miss Gabor is deathly afraid of horses,

so I want you to be real friendly.

Okay, the minute she walks in, I'll jump in her arms.

[Carol] Wilbur, Miss Gabor is here.

Tell her to come right in, dear.

Look, I want you to be extra-nice.

Don't do anything that might make her nervous.

- Oh. - Hold still.

[grumbles]

Right in here, Miss Gabor.

That's Mister Ed, right in there.

[crunches]

Hi, Miss Gabor.

So this is Mister Ed.

Yeah. Won't you come and meet him?

No, thank you. If you don't mind,

I'll just stay here and wave at him.

Hello. Hello, horse.

Is he a natural blond?

Well, all palominos are.

Goodness gracious.

Most women spend a fortune at beauty shops

to get what he's born with.

May I take your coat?

- One minute, please. - Oh, yes.

Don't be afraid of him.

No, I'll try not to be.

Thank you.

Oh, my, what a beautiful mink.

I'd better take it inside and hang it before it gets dirty.

Be right back.

Thank you very much.

- Ah, there you are. - Thank you.

Now, the first thing is to let a horse know that you like him.

Won't you come a little bit closer?

Thank you.

Don't be afraid, Miss Gabor. He's all right.

Look at those great big brown eyes, huh?

Are you sure he's not going to bite me?

Oh, no, you'll never see a gentler horse than Ed.

You know, he reminds me very much of Prince Bandini.

He has the same type of nose,

except the Prince has a bump.

[nickers]

Ah! He growled at me.

No, no. That's just Ed's way of saying hello.

Watch how smart he is.

Ed, bow for the lady.

Bravo. He has wonderful manners.

You know, I don't seem to be so afraid of him.

Willy, I would like to ask you a favor.

You know it would mean a great deal to me if I could do that picture.

Well, what can I do for you?

Do you think it would be possible

for me to come over here a couple of afternoons

and sit on the horse, so I get accustomed to him?

Oh, of course.

And to make sure he's nice and soft,

before you get here, I'll stuff him with hay.

Now, don't make too much noise, anybody.

I don't want Mister Ed to be nervous

on his first day with me.

Come on, boys. Bring the ladder, please.

Helen, you hold his back end,

And, Marie, you hold his front end.

Thank you.

Now, Mister Ed, please behave yourself.

Just hold him quietly on both ends.

Oh.

Look, everybody. I'm sitting on a horse.

Thank you, thank you.

It's so nice up here.

Now come on, kids. What are we waiting for? Come on.

Eddie, that's my good, beautiful blond horse.

That's a good, beautiful horse.

There, my dear.

Thank you, dear. Now give one for Mister Eddie.

Well, now, what was the letter

I want to dictate to you this morning?

Oh, yes. It went to the Tiffany's Jewelers in New York.

Gentlemen darlings,

last month, an acquaintance of mine

sent me a beautiful pair of diamond earrings

for my birthday from your shop.

I would very much appreciate

if you would make up a matching necklace

for my next birthday--

Which will be, incidentally, in about two weeks.

[phone rings]

Hello?

One moment, please.

A transatlantic call from the Duke of Morovia.

Oh, the Duke.

Tell him to call me back when he's a king.

Marie, darling, the perfume, please.

There. Thank you.

I'm going to give a little perfume to Mister Ed.

Look at him. He's smiling.

He likes it.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Mr. Post?

This is Jack Brady at Brady Productions.

I want to thank you for all the help you've given Zsa Zsa.

She's really fallen in love with that horse of yours.

Oh, I was sure she would.

Well, no, no, I don't mind Zsa Zsa riding Ed in the picture.

What?

You're shooting the picture in Australia?

That's right. We'll be gone for at least six months.

Now, I'm willing to pay you $5,000 for that horse of yours.

Well, no, Mr. Brady. I couldn't do that.

I couldn't sell Ed.

Look, we're sailing tomorrow at 4:00,

and I've already promised Zsa Zsa we'd buy him.

$5,000. Please, think it over.

Please.

All right, but I won't change my mind.

Ed is not for sale.

Goodbye.

$5,000 is a lot of money.

I can't let him turn it down.

How do you like that, Paul?

Zsa Zsa's producer wanted to buy Ed.

Of course, I turned him down.

Naturally. How much did he offer?

$5,000.

$5,000? And you turned him down?

Ed's like one of the family.

Well, so is Addison,

but for $5,000, I'd send him to Australia.

Wilbur, don't be a fool.

You call up that producer and grab that money

before he sobers up.

I couldn't do that to Ed.

Will, what's the matter with you?

Think of your wife.

For $5,000, you could buy her

that mink coat she's been talking about.

I know Carol wants a mink coat,

and I'm going to get her one.

On my own.

And in time.

And on time.

I'll get her one when I can afford it.

By that time, you can get her a silver gray one,

to match her hair.

Ed, what are you doing?

Packing my gear and extra shoes.

- I'm leaving. - Where you going?

Well, Zsa Zsa wants me to go to Australia with her.

Zsa--

To Australia?

Well, Ed, do you want to go--

I mean, and leave me?

If I don't hitch my wagon to a star,

somebody hitches a wagon to me.

Well, if that's the way you feel about it--

That's the way I feel.

Well, Ed, then I guess this is goodbye.

But you'll be seeing me soon, Wilbur--

On that big screen in glorious color.

Well, Ed, let me help you.

Honey?

Mr. Brady's check just came in.

Special delivery.

Swell, swell.

We'll look at some mink coats tonight.

You really miss Mister Ed, don't you?

I suppose I'll miss him the first couple of days.

Honey, why didn't you ask me before you sold Mister Ed?

I knew how much you wanted a mink coat.

A mink coat doesn't mean that much to me,

not as much as losing Mister Ed means to you.

I'm going to send this check right back.

Carol, it's too late.

No, it's not.

It's an hour before the boat sails.

Honey, you're being very sweet, but--

/gIt's hard to explain, but I have the feeling

that Ed really wanted to go.

Honey.

Oh, I sure miss you, Ed.

Well, at least I can still listen to your voice.

Nobody sang "Pretty Little Filly" the way you did.

[Mister Ed] Hi, Wilbur.

By the time you hear this,

I'll be on my way to Australia.

I didn't really want to leave you, buddy boy,

but $5,000 is a lot of money, and I know you can use it.

[sniffles] I hope Carol likes the mink coat.

I'll never forget you.

Your old stablemate, Ed.

[ship's horn blows]

Miss Gabor, we can't possibly put this horse in a stateroom.

Please, this is not a horse. This is my co-star.

Zsa Zsa, it's regulations.

All livestock has to travel in the hold.

Not my Mister Eddie.

I won't let them treat you like an animal.

If he travels in the hold, I travel in the hold,

and I refuse to travel in the hold.

Miss Gabor, please be reasonable.

I am being reasonable.

Look, I'm not asking you

to put him up at the captain's table.

All I want him to have a comfortable cabin

so he can live like a human being.

Forgetting rules, Miss Gabor,

we don't have any accommodations.

Then he's going to sleep with Mr. Brady.

Now, just a minute, Zsa Zsa.

Mr. Brady, here's your check.

I'm taking Ed back.

What are you talking about? We made a deal.

Well, I've changed my mind.

You see, I thought my wife wanted a mink coat,

but she'd rather have Ed.

Listen, I've got a fortune sunk in this picture.

Zsa Zsa says she won't make it without your horse.

If you pull him out now, I'll sue you for every penny you've got, I promise you.

Who says I won't make the picture without this horse?

You said it.

Oh, if you listen to me, you'll go crazy.

I can ride any horse in Australia,

and if it has to be, I'll ride a kangaroo.

Goodbye, Mr. Wilbur,

and goodbye, my sweet, darling Mr. Ed.

I have a secret for you.

You are much sweeter than my prince.

It isn't difficult, either.

- Goodbye, Miss Gabor. Bon voyage. - Goodbye.

Merci.

Come on, Jack. Let us go.

Come on, Ed.

Well, you really cured her fear of horses.

Yeah, and she cured my fear of Hungarians.

Come on home, Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

Miss Gabor's clothes by Maxwell Shieff of Beverly Hills.

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.