Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

How time flies. A year ago today,

I became Wilbur's horse.

Hope he hasn't forgotten our anniversary.

So far, not even a card.

Good morning, Ed.

[humming]

Beautiful morning, isn't it?

The 12th of this month will always be beautiful to me.

You know, I think I'd better call Mr. Winslow

and ask for some more time on these plans for his house.

Why will the 12th of this month always be beautiful, Ed?

Because, Wilbur, it's our anniversary.

By golly, that's right.

It was a year ago today that we became man and horse.

Happy Anniversary, buddy boy.

Happy Anniversary, Ed.

And now let's dry our tears

and start handing out the gifts.

I forgot.

The stores are open late tonight.

Okay. Anything special you'd like?

Just a token.

Say, a color television set.

All right. Excuse me now.

I gotta call Mr. Winslow.

[Carol] I found the best new beauty parlor in the whole neighborhood.

And there's a new operator there. His name is Pierre.

And if you can get him to do your hair, oh, you'll just be so happy.

She's been on that phone for 20 minutes.

I gotta catch my client before he leaves his house.

You could call him from the television store

while you're getting my gift.

Ed, do you know how much a color TV set costs?

Money's never any object when you buy Carol a present.

She is my wife.

So? I'm your horse.

All right. All right.

I'll treat you the same way I would treat Carol.

Tonight we'll have dinner at the Grove, and at midnight,

we'll dance the Anniversary Waltz.

And there's a new operator there. His name is--

I've got to get her off that phone.

Oh, your gelatin salad will look so lovely.

That new operator I was telling you about-- Pierre--

well, he gave me the recipe. Now, don't forget.

Don't let them talk you into Andre

because he's much too slow.

Of course, they do have two other operators,

a manicurist--

- One telephone. - One tele--

I'll call you back later, Marge.

Someone just came in.

Hi, honey. I guess you want your lunch now, huh?

When you started that conversation, I wanted my breakfast.

Oh, I'm sorry, darling, but you know how Marge loves to gab.

Honey, when she calls up, why don't you tell her you're busy?

Because I called her.

Look, from now on, these phone conversations are gonna be short and to the point.

Hello. Nice talking to you. Goodbye. This phone is also my office phone.

- But, Wilbur-- - No more hour-long conversations.

Short. Hello. Nice talking to you. Goodbye.

- [Roger] Wilbur, are you home? - Be right with you, Rog.

I'd like my lunch now, dear, please.

Yes, Your Highness.

Wilbur?

Hey, I've been calling you all morning.

Your phone's been tied up.

Tied up? It's been strangled.

Carol's been gabbing away on the phone.

But I really laid the law down.

I said, from now on, those calls are gonna be short and to the point.

You really told your wife

to cut down on the telephone calls?

That's right.

An act of raw courage.

In England, you'd be knighted for that.

Oh, it was nothing, Roger.

I happen to have a very understanding wife.

That's one thing about Carol--

when she's wrong, she's the first one to admit it.

Wilbur, you can sit down. Your lunch is ready.

Thanks, hon. See, Rog?

No hard feelings. She's a great little sport.

- Sit down, Rog. - Oh, thanks.

My, that looks yummy.

Oh, she's just kidding, Rog.

I mean, we're always making little jokes like that.

You know? I mean, a sense of humor--

it's the oil in the troubled waters of matrimony.

- Then why aren't you laughing? - Because it's not funny.

Excuse me, Rog.

Honey, I think it's time we had a little chat.

Hello. Nice talking to you. Goodbye.

That's all I'm allowed to say.

Carol, I don't think I'm being unreasonable about this telephone.

Hmph!

Honey, I think I know what your problem is.

You see, you don't realize fully the value of a dollar.

If you had to work and earn money to pay these bills,

you might show a little more consideration.

Oh, you want me to go to work, is that it?

- I didn't say that. - Very well. I'll pay my way.

I don't want to be a burden here.

I'll earn my keep.

Carol, nobody is asking you to go to work.

I mean, even if you wanted to go to work,

there's nothing you could do.

Oh, you think not?

Why, there are a dozen jobs I could handle.

Maybe it would be a good idea if I got a job.

Then we wouldn't have these money arguments.

I think I'll start job hunting today.

Okay, honey.

What?

I'm very proud of you, dear.

Good luck.

Oh, sorry, Rog. I didn't know you were listening.

My boy, I'm proud of you.

- You handled her beautifully. - You gotta call their bluff.

I mean, can you imagine Carol,

the darling of the beauty shops, going to work?

She wouldn't make it to the first coffee break. [laughs]

- Shh! - Oh, yeah, yeah.

- [whispers] Outside. - Huh? Huh.

- Hi, sweetie. - Hi, Kay.

What are you doing? Looking for a sale?

- No, for a job. - A job?

Doesn't Wilbur like what he's doing?

It's a job for me, Kay. I've decided to go to work.

For you? Bite your tongue, sweetie.

Marriage is a partnership composed of a team--

the worker and the shirker.

And you know what team we're on.

rxA No, Kay. Wilbur made an issue of the telephone bill,

so I've decided to pay my own way.

Carol, a husband wants to support his darling little wife,

because, well, if he doesn't, we throw him in jail.

Now, throw away those want ads.

They're making me nervous.

No, Kay.

If I give up now, I'll never hear the end of it.

There must be some job I can handle.

Well, if you made up your mind, let's be logical.

Now, what are the things you do well?

Well, I'm a good cook.

A fair cook?

- Good enough. - Good enough to eat out.

- Next. - Well, I'm a real good dancer.

Why, that's right. You are.

Why, I bet a dance studio would hire you in a minute.

Yes, I could teach dancing, couldn't I?

Well, you taught Addison how to cha-cha,

and the only step he knew before that was the minuet.

I wonder what Wilbur will say if I do get a job.

Oh, well, I don't think he really wants you to work.

He'll make you quit after the first day.

That's what I'm counting on.

Come on. D for dancer.

All right.

So long, lucky.

Lucky? I beat you fair.

That's three more golf balls you owe me.

How could I concentrate on my game

with you in that rainbow outfit?

Green sweater, maroon shirt, blue pants.

Instead of a golf ball, I could see was spots in front of my eyes.

Why do you think I wore it? See you, boy.

Hi, Ed.

Get my TV set?

A color TV set would be wasted on you.

Everybody knows that all animals are color blind.

A rumor spread by the makers of black and white sets.

No, it is an established fact.

We learned in zoology

that all animals are color blind, unable to--

You shouldn't wear that green sweater with those blue slacks.

Don't interrupt.

Animals can only distinguish shades of gray.

Now, when you think you see a color, act--

That was just a wild guess.

You get a load of that maroon shirt.

You look like the Scarlet Pimpernel.

According to everything I've read,

horses aren't supposed to see color.

A horse isn't supposed to talk, either.

Anyway, you can't have a color TV set.

It's too expensive.

Honey, I'm off to work now.

Oh, I left some cold cuts and the potato salad

in the refrigerator for you.

Okay.

Wait a minute.

What's this about work?

Well, dear, I told you I was getting a job.

I've got to run now.

I'll tell you all about it when I get home tonight.

- If you're still awake. - Now, hold it.

What kind of a job do you have?

- Guess. - A welder?

I'm a dance instructor at Miss Irene's in Hollywood.

- A dance instructor? - That's right, honey.

Every evening from 5 to 10, Monday through Friday.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha. 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

I'll make more than enough to pay for the phone bills.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Hasta la vista.

Cha-cha-cha. 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha. 1, 2...

My wife got a job at a dance studio.

Yeah? Well, let's go down there tonight

and buy a dollar's worth of tickets.

I don't like this, Rog.

I'm not gonna have my wife dancing around

with a bunch of strange men.

Don't be foolish.

Why, you're playing right into her hand.

- That's what she expects you to do. - She does?

Why, of course. But you must fool her.

Let her work. Let her find out for herself

how hard it is to earn a dollar.

Yeah. Yeah.

Mark my words, she'll come crawling back to you

by the end of the week.

Yeah.

No chance she could crawl back by tomorrow, is there?

Just give her enough rope, my boy.

Let her realize how hard you have to work

to pay for those phone bills.

That's right. I mean, she thinks

being a dance instructress is an easy job,

but she'll find out.

I remember when I was single, I went to a dancing school

to take some lessons on how to rumba, you know?

There was this cute redheaded teacher,

and I drove her home after the third lesson--

And I'm gonna bring Carol back right now.

No, you're not.

You're gonna stick to your guns.

Now, we'll have dinner tonight, then we'll go bowling.

You're going to show her

you are not in the least bit concerned.

Cha-cha-cha.

Maybe I can get a job, too.

Buy my own color set.

Now, let's see.

"Help Wanted: Women."

"Help Wanted: Men."

No "Help Wanted: Horses."

Discrimination.

Hey, here's one.

"Sell real estate by phone."

[laughs] That's me,

the untraveling salesman.

Ohhh.

Was it really that tough, Carol?

It was awful. Six beginners.

I was pushed, stepped on, bumped and dragged around.

I feel like I've just survived a buffalo stampede.

Well, remember, sweetie,

Wilbur is suffering much more than you are.

Oh, sure. Mm-hmm.

Right now, he's bowling his little heart out.

When I got home a few minutes ago,

all I found was a note and some corn plasters.

Oh, Kay, I think I'll quit my job.

You can't quit.

I was against this, honey, but, well, if you give up now,

Wilbur will never let you hear the end of it.

- I know, but I... - [car doors closing]

Here they come.

Remember what a nasty laugh Wilbur has.

- Put these on. Quick. - Oh.

Hey, Wilbur, you know, Carol is gonna be exhausted.

I wouldn't rub it in too much.

Oh, why not? When you got them down,

make them crawl. [laughs]

Gee, you've got a nasty laugh.

- Rog. - Huh?

Come on in. Help me carry my exhausted little breadwinner up to bed.

All right.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha. 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Oh, Kay, I wish you'd been there.

It would've been so much fun with you. You would've loved it.

Oh, Addison hasn't taken me dancing in a thousand years.

- I'll have to teach him. - She doesn't look like

she's ready to be carried to bed, does she?

- 1, 2, cha-cha-cha. - No. But you do.

- Don't look so worried. Smile. - 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha. 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Honey, we're home.

Oh, hi, boys. Oh, what a night.

- You're worn out, huh? - Oh, no, Wilbur.

Oh, I never knew work could be so much fun.

Imagine being paid for doing something you just-- you just love.

- Isn't that swell? - 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

1, 2, cha-cha-cha. 1, 2, cha-cha-cha.

Uh, Carol tells me she's been booked

for the next five weeks.

Five weeks?

[Carol] That's right, honey.

You won't have to worry about that telephone bill anymore.

Honey, about the phone and this job--

A great little wife you've got there, Wilbur.

Not many women would be willing to share the expenses.

Oh, that's right.

Oh, this kid is all heart. Come on, doll.

Let's fix some coffee for the boys. They look tired.

Come on, Kay. 1, 2, 3, la conga.

[together] 1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la conga.

1, 2, 3, la-- Whoop!

[groans]

Rog, a $40 phone bill isn't too bad.

If you give in now, she'll never let you forget it.

She'll laugh at you for the rest of your life.

And her laugh's nearly as nasty as mine is.

You mark my words. In two weeks, she'll come begging.

Two weeks? Before, you said two days.

Ah, but remember, my boy,

the longer the fight, the sweeter the victory.

Oh, fine.

I'm fighting, and she's dancing.

Good afternoon, sir.

I represent the Golden Acres Real Estate Company.

The breathtaking beauty of Death Valley

can now be yours.

Get in on the newest

and most exciting land offering in the West.

[door closes]

I'll have to call you back, sir.

Hello, blue eyes.

Say, I like that yellow sweater with a turquoise shirt.

Okay, so you're not color blind.

You're still not gonna get that TV set.

And this is not turquoise. It happens to be baby blue.

Well, snap my rompers.

You're right.

Look, I've been having trouble with Carol the last few days.

One nag in the family is enough.

What if I paid for the set with my own money?

Oh, you want to go to work, too, like Carol?

- I might. - Hmm.

Maybe I should call Miss Irene's

and see if they need another dance instructor.

No. I've got four left feet.

Maybe you'd like to be a waiter at the Turf Club.

Just, uh, don't be surprised if I earn that money.

I wouldn't be surprised at anything anymore.

I gotta get some of my own work done.

Where are those Winslow sketches?

Oh, Wilbur, I just saw Carol.

She told me to tell you that she was going to the dance studio

in just a few minutes, and she left a turkey in the icebox.

Oh, fine. While she's dancing with some hot Latin,

I'll be snuggling up with a cold turkey.

I'm gonna make her quit.

Don't weaken, my boy. Don't weaken. As I told you,

it's just a matter of two or three months--

- Months? - Wilbur, when have I ever advised you wrong?

Whe-- Well, let's see.

We moved next door to you on the 12th of April.

I'd say since the 12th of April.

All right. Fine. Fine. Don't listen to me.

Go in there on you hands and knees. Beg her to quit.

Give her free rein on the phone. Humble yourself.

Wave the white flag.

Good thinking, General.

That is the worst thing he could possibly do.

Now he's got me talking to this dumb animal.

[laughs] Someday I'm gonna answer him,

and he'll drop dead.

Carol, you still here?

Just leaving, honey.

How do you like my new outfit?

I picked it up at Mayfair's this morning.

Well, at least that dress has a nice high neckline.

What do you think?

You could rent out some of this space in back for advertising.

Oh, honey, don't be so old-fashioned.

This is the latest style.

But shouldn't you wear something over it, like a dress?

Now, Wilbur, in my work,

it's important that I look attractive.

Honey, I feel that one worker in the family is enough.

Oh, well, darling, if you want to quit your job, go ahead.

- [phone ringing] - Excuse me, honey.

Hello? Yes, this is Mrs. Post.

Oh, how much is our telephone bill up to yesterday?

What? $148?

- Oh, but there must be some mistake. - [mouths words]

Hello. This is Mr. Post.

What was that amount again?

$148.

Oh, the telephone's been in constant use, huh?

Thank you very much.

But, Wilbur, I did cut down on my phone calls.

Of course. And that big bill--

that was me making phone calls in my sleep.

No, you never take my word for anything.

[cries]

- [doorbell rings] - [door slams]

Well, Mr. Reeves, come on in.

Thank you.

My goodness, we haven't seen you

since you sold us the house.

Yes, it's been almost a year.

You know, since then, I've been made vice president

of the Golden Acres Real Estate Corporation.

Well, congratulations.

Thank you.

Say, is Mister Ed Post your father?

Is-- Um-- My father? Yeah.

Yes, yes. He gave me this address.

Well, he does live here. Yes.

Oh, wonderful.

Well, I came over personally

to give him this commission check,

and to thank him for the bang-up job he's done for us.

He's been selling real estate?

By telephone.

Oh, he's got such a smooth line.

He even talked three long-distance operators

into buying our property.

So he's been selling on the telephone, huh?

Oh, your father's the greatest.

Why, we've got customers coming from San Diego,

Oakland, Phoenix, Tucson.

There's no telling how many people he's called.

$148 worth.

Well, he's not here right now,

but if you want, I'll give him this commission check.

Oh, fine, fine.

Ooh, would you have your father give me a ring when he comes in?

I'd like to offer him a job training our sales personnel.

You know, put him behind the desk?

You're gonna have a little trouble with his chair.

I mean, he's the outdoor type.

I'll tell him.

Well, fine. Thank you, thank you.

And goodbye, Mr. Post.

Mice to have seen you again.

Hope it isn't another year.

Well, thank you. I hope not.

- Goodbye. - Goodbye.

Is this the Tijuana operator?

Buenos días, chiquita.

I'm calling Pablo Chaves.

His number is...

dos, quatro, cinco, seis--

¿Cómo está, amigo?

Ed, do you know that my phone bill

up to today is $148?

Well, this is my business phone.

It's deductible.

Do you know you caused a fight between me and my wife?

I've been blaming her for your phone calls.

[laughs] Imagine that.

She'll forgive you once she sees

we've got a color TV set in here.

Oh, so that's it, huh?

Well, a Mr. Reeves from the Golden Acres Real Estate

left this commission check for you.

Oh, swell.

Well, how much is it?

$3.00 less than our phone bill.

Now, Wilbur, I didn't go to work to pay your debts.

Listen, you touch that telephone once more,

and you'll be playing the lead in Death of A Salesman.

Just a second, honey.

What do you want?

Honey, I'm sure you didn't make those phone calls.

I mean, if you say you didn't,

I believe you.

You didn't believe me a few minutes ago.

You yelled at me.

Honey, I didn't mean anything.

I haven't been myself ever since you started to work.

Well, if you told me to quit, I'd have to.

Afterall, a wife should do what a husband wants.

I want you to quit.

A woman's place is on the phone.

I mean in the home.

Why don't you call the dance studio

and tell them you retired?

I already have.

Well, then where are you going in that bikini evening dress?

[chuckles]

You knew I'd make you quit.

Well, I had the feeling you would.

Buit just to make sure, I resigned.

Well, how about the last dance, teacher?

Ooh, excuse me, honey.

I've got to call Marge before she gets to the hairdresser.

I want to make sure that she gets Andre instead of Pierre.

Last week she got Pierre. He did terrible job.

Oh, just terrible.

Hello. Marge?

Listen, the reason you got Andre instead of Pierre

is because Tuesday is Pierre's day off...

Ed, I got you a little anniversary gift.

Oh, you shouldn't have.

But better late than never.

I'll give you three guesses what it is.

Does it have to be hooked up?

Yeah.

Is it color?

Yeah.

A TV set?

No.

A green muzzle.

Ohh.

That ought to cut down your sales pitch a little.

[muffled] Very funny.

Very funny.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.