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S01E01
Into The Great Beyond Beyond

sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com

Thrust drive up 23%, Captain.

Engine variant down 4.85
millicycles, Captain.

Course bearing 12 degrees
starboard into quadrant B-48.

Should we compensate, Captain?

Captain?

Oh, yeah, compensate 6.9%.

Also, I had some hot dogs
generated for you guys.

You know, it's just my
way of saying thanks.

About to exit asteroid field.

Good.

Once we're clear, it's hot dog time.

No exceptions Kyle.

I don't wanna hear about that cleanse.

I'm kidding Kyle.

We're really happy you're
fighting your obesity.

Unidentified object coming towards
us at 1,000 parsecs from C quadrant.

Increase shields, activate
projection analysis.

Negative shields, sir.

We're showing a power drain of 85%.

Oh crap, it's an ion asteroid.

Activate evasive protocol 124.

Ten seconds to impact, there's
no time to get around it.

Run a spent fuel clean out burst
through the forward venting tubes.

That could destroy the ship.

Good to know.
Do it.

Yes.

Impressive, Lipinski.

That was highly unorthodox.

No one's ever thought to do a clean
out burst in all the years we've done

this simulation.
How did you think to do that?

I have allergies.

And I'm also lactose intolerant so

you know sometimes I have
these explosive sneezes.

It's like a fart sneeze combo.

And so, I thought you know
what if the ship fart sneezed.

You guys think I'm an idiot, don't you?

You're making me captain of my own ship?

Chairman Woolworth things having
a fresh faced young captain

might get the public
interest in it up again.

Wait, has the public lost interest?

You know, you only discover rocks and

dust in 50 years of mapping the universe.

And suddenly you're stuck with warehouses
full of unsold mugs and t-shirts.

I tried to buy as many
as I could, I'm sorry.

I told all my friends to.

We'll get the public back.

Attitudes change every day.

You know there was a time where all
men wore long pieces of fabric around

their necks and called them ties?

Yeah. Can you imagine a guy
not wearing collar balls now?

Oh. Sorry I'm late, everybody.

I had to wash my balls.

May I present Zalian, your engineer.

He will show you around your ship.

Zalian Fletcher.

You mean I'm getting
command of the Cruiser?

I had a model of it when I was a
kid, I even had your action figure.

You're a legend.

I had your action figure when I was a kid.

What? He's absorbed his share of
engine radiation over the years.

But, at our price level, he's
still the best in the business.

Oh my God, this day is amazing.

The Cruiser?

Somebody pinch me.

Okay. Not really though I bruise fast.

Wait, how did my sister do on the test?

Incredible.

You and she are the first cadets in
ten years to pass simulation A-19.

Oh thank god, so she's
getting her own ship.

No way.

We're all terrified of her.

So we're making her your second in command.

Oh, no.

Stewart.

What are you doing here?

We were just telling Stewart
that he's gonna be the captain of

his own ship.

And you are gonna be his second in command,

reporting directly to your younger brother.

Isn't that gonna be fun?

Congratulations, Stewart.

Huh?

Thank you?

One hour until departure.

All unauthorized personnel, please exit.

Look at me, Captain.

All hands on deck.

Fire the lasers.

Readying lasers, Captain.

Oh, no, no, no, undo
command, I was just kidding.

I don't wanna fire any lasers.

Just doing a bit, you
know, abusing my power.

Oh, greetings Captain.

My name's Natasha.

I'm programmed to monitor
all ship functions,

communicate with command vessels.

And provide data analyses
and reference databases.

Are my breasts and buttocks to your liking?

Wh... what's that?

Oh, well optimally I'd
be attractive enough for

you to want to perform well in front of me.

But not so attractive that you'd
fantasize about having sex with me.

So?

We're good in the north and the south?

Sure. Yeah, yeah.

This good?

Oh that's enough.

Good, okay. Thank you, excuse me.

Your not going to forget
about me while I'm gone right?

Tina, of course not.

Look, with a communicator
we can talk every night.

I even installed an upgraded
sensation software so

that our screen kisses will taste
and feel just like the real thing.

See?

Did you have Sloppy Joes?

Yeah.

I don't wanna go. Did you just burp?

I'm sorry, baby.

I don't even know why they
picked me for this thing,

I wasn't the top of my class,

I don't know who made
me the stupid navigator!

Hey!

Tina.

Oh, I'm so glad you made it.

This is so exciting, isn't it?

Oh. Oh, Ted control says they need you.

Apparently they need you right now,
so stop kissing her, they're saying.

- I'm on my way.
- Okay.

Make me proud Turkey.

God, he couldn't even say I love you.

I mean, how hard is that?

Three words, I love you.

Oh, it's so gross when you say it.

We'll, we'll work on that.

You're out of your mind, right?

Hey! Hi.

I think you're supposed to
salute me before you speak to me.

But we'll let it go this time.

Your first decision as captain and
you made your crush the navigator?

No, I also signed off on the
computer's boob and butt size.

I'm gonna make your life a living hell and

you're gonna wish you never
set foot in that academy.

Well you do that and I'll tell mom.

Captain Michael Newman
reporting from Jupiter.

First mate Lipinski and I have just landed.

I'll always be your little
helper, Captain Michael.

You're the best babysitter ever!

Thanks, Stewart.

You can be my second-in-command anytime.

We thought Jupiter was a solid mass.

We were dumb asses, weren't we?

Greetings sir and

may I just say that it's an
honor to be serving under you.

Easy on the sirs.

Okay, I'm still the kid you
used to babysit remember?

Yeah.

Oh, how much do I love this guy?

About as much as I love
being your second in command.

Actually they gave second to Karen.

So you're going to be my third in command.

Hope that's okay.

You smell nice.

All right.

- Thank you.
- All right.

Mm.

Can I help you?

You're wearing a captain's shirt.

Hello captain, I'm Kent Woolworth
your new science officer.

Woolworth, as in Helen
Woolworth the chairwoman?

She is my mother.

And yes, I am here as part
of your crew due to nepotism,

much to my chagrin.

I couldn't be less pleased to be here.

However, my mother needed my
sleeping chamber at home as her

Pilates studio.

She's trying to tone her
body so that she can seduce.

Okay I'm gonna stop you right there.

Thank you for your honesty.

Lying is not a skill that I possess.

You have a stray nose hair, sir.

UMP cruiser, you are good to go.

Initiating departure sequence control.

I can't tell you how excited all of
us here on the bridge are to finally

get going.

Isn't that right gang?

I'm not detecting any verbal
verification on the bridge captain.

My preliminary reading is that
people are not in fact excited.

Okay, that's fine,
that's enough, thank you.

Thank you.

Come on you guys.

Michael.

We're excited on the bridge, right?

Oh, yes, sir.

Captain Stewart, sir, very excited.

This worked out exactly
the way we all wanted sir.

Oh, it's time.

I'd like everyone's attention.

It's time to say something I have
been waiting my whole life to say.

Oh, don't do it.

Past the moon, past Mars.

Do you guys not know the motto?

- Yeah, we know it, it's just that...
- All right, great, let's do it!

Let us sail to the stars!

Stars, stars, stars.

Okay, activate front view.

There it is.

There's space.

We are on our way.

Good times.

Okay, everyone, I know we got
off on the wrong foot today but

that's only because we haven't
had time to gel as a team.

It's funny you know.

They're sending us out into the stars, but

I'm seeing a lot of stars right in here.

So, on this, our very first night together,

I thought we'd have a
little celebratory meal.

Who wants turkey?

Stewart, this is Grandma's dressing.

Turkey was Ted's favorite.

He used to call me turkey.

He's hilarious.

I can't eat tryptophan.

It makes blood come out my ears.

- What?
- Okay guys, come on.

Let's raise a fork to our new family.

We're in this together.

Okay.

Okay.

Sis, come on.

For grandma.

All right.

Think that's a yes.

Okay.

Mm.

Jesus Christ, this tastes like grandma.

I hope no-one swallowed that.

I actually swallowed mine, sir.

Gross.

Oh, Natasha, how old is this food tank?

It was installed on May 14th, 2070.

That was 35 years ago.

Why don't we have a new food tank?

Because no one replaced it.

Stewart, you didn't check the food tank?

It's not my job.

The ship's engineer is supposed to.

Oh, no, Zalian.

Oh man, I was.

Oh, I totally spaced it out.

Did you also space out how we're
supposed to survive a year on this ship

- with no food?
- Oh, food?

I got food here we can all use.

Oh.

Mm.

Oh, fudge me.

This is so cool.

But I don't think we
can eat fudge for a year.

Oh, suit yourself.
It's a superfood.

I haven't pee'd in a decade.

And does anybody else feel like
their head's about to explode?

Oh, that's just the radiation.

You'll get used to it.

In fact, it rots the part of
your brain that feels pain.

Well, I guess, we have to
turn back and get more food.

God, I'm gonna look like such an idiot.

Ow. Can't you see, I'm
dreaming of electric sheep here?

- Who are you?
- Hey, this is my buddy, Art.

He's the best.

I don't think I remember seeing
a robot on the crew manifest.

What function do you serve?

Oh. None whatsoever.

I'm riding the intergalactic
rails like the space hobos of yore.

So, you forgot to bring usable food, but
you managed to bring along a stowaway?

- Take us home, Tina.
- Oh, thank God.

I mean, yes sir.

Ow. Oh, god.

She really wants to get back to that
stupid Swedish boyfriend of hers.

Tina, go easy on the gas, please.

Dude, I didn't do that.

She's not kidding, my
engines didn't accelerate.

To the bridge.

Nothing's responding.

What's our speed?

0.15 mega knots increasing
by three clicks per second.

We're caught in a gravitational field.

It's probably because
that water Michael spilled.

I cleaned it up, I can
show you the towel, Captain.

No beverages in the bridge, Michael.

Run an escape protocol, Stewart.

Don't mom me.

Start escape protocol 159.

Oh my God, look.

- Reverse thrusters.
- We have no power.

I got you buddy.

Was anyone else just a baby?

Where are we?

Hello? New friends?

Hey, guys, who messed with the lights?

Jeez.

Reboot complete, updating wardrobe.

Natasha, what just happened?

Preliminary data shows that we
encountered a rupture between

our universe and some parallel entity.

I believe we hit a brane.

Brane is short for membrane.

Brane theory says that our universe
is like a large, flat jellyfish.

Floating on the water surrounded
by other universes doing the exact

same thing.

Sometimes, they bump into each other.

And every once in a while
they hit each other hard enough

that they open up a tear between each
other that can suck matter through.

Like turds down a toilet.

No. It's nothing like
a fecal disposal unit.

It's jellyfish.

So we discovered a
tunnel to a new universe?

Yay, us!

It's more of a toilet, but yes.

Tunnel implies permanence.

The tear we went through was
only open for 10.36 seconds.

So we're lost.

Entrapped, yes.

Possibly forever.

Probably even.

It's like we get flushed out, yeah.

You know what, it actually
is more like a toilet.

Told you.

All right, everybody just calm down.

Panicking is not gonna help.

We can't be worried about
how we only have fudge to eat.

Or how all our families are
probably going to think we're dead.

Or how UMP probably thinks that
we got vaporized by some asteroid.

They'll give us posthumous medals and
then bury empty coffins in our honor.

Michael.

Are you okay?

Didn't I just tell you to calm down?

Stewart and I just want you
guys to stop flipping out here.

We have to remain calm.

Oh.

Well, you know what?

Michael's right.

We do need a solution, and here it is.

Stewart Lipinski,

I am officially relieving you of
your duties as captain of this ship.

What? You can't do that.

- Oh, really?
- Mm-hm.

Section 3.0.5 of the Universal
Mapping Project Rules of Conduct

states the captain may be relieved of
duty by his second in command if his

actions are deemed to place the
lives of his crew in jeopardy.

Way to go, Nibs.

Nibs, huh.

Don't call me Nibs in front of the crew.

Nibs!

And this was a total accident, okay?

What could I have possibly done
to keep this from happening?

Oh, I don't know, Stewart,
maybe hire a real navigator.

Hey, that's mean.

Oh sorry, Tina, but we
all know why you're here.

Well how do we know why any
of us are even here in life?

Why am I here?

The only reason you're here is
because I think you're highly skilled.

- Oh come on.
- Despite your taste in men.

Despite your taste in men.

What does one thing have
to do with the other?

It's just a, it's a thing, it's a factor.

And what about the cruiser, Stewart?

The UMP loser.

If you had demanded a newer ship we
would have had enough engine power to

escape that hole.

Hey, the cruiser rocks.

Oh, shut up you fudge eating
hippie long hair went out in 2083.

It, did, you know I've been
meaning to tell you about that.

I'm detecting high levels
of personal tension.

Initiating a light ribbing
protocol to facilitate camaraderie.

Hey Michael, did your mother
buy that shirt for you?

And then there's Natasha.

Nice body.
Who designed it, a 13 year old boy?

Stewart, it's over.

Michael, get up, take
Stewart back to his quarters,

you're second in command now.

I'm taking control of this ship.

Did you hear her?

I'm second in command now.

All right, all right, excellent.

What the hell?

This was all just a simulation?

This is the final test we give
to all our potential captains.

The only way to truly know how a
person will do in a crisis is to make

everyone involved believe it's real.

Stewart, we put you,

the inferior sibling, in charge to
see how your sister would handle it.

And she has exceeded our expectations.

Congratulations, Captain.

You tricked us?

No offense, but not cool, General.

You're right.

Deception, though sometimes
necessary, is never cool.

You know Michael, you're
right about a lot of things.

People really should listen to you.

Mother.

I can't believe this.

Everything seems so real.

Oh, nice.

Tuna fish.

Art, I recently won these
incline chains in a poker game.

They'd allow you to
climb very gentle hills.

- I'll give them to you for $50.
- Deal.

They're worth 70 on eBay.

In your face.

No, no, Natasha, run a diagnostic.

And the Nobel prize for
excellence in physics and

rocking hot bod goes to Natasha.

Brought to you by.
Bogo Jean.

Congratulations.

- Thank you. I'd like to thank Bogo Jean.
- How is this possible?

Because I'm in love with you.

I've had a huge crush on you ever since
we started at the academy together.

What about Ted?

No. I don't even really like Ted.

I, I just was worried about
telling you cause I thought

maybe you wouldn't like me back, or.

Oh my God no, Tina.
Oh my God.

I have loved you more than I've
ever loved anyone in my whole life.

Really?

- Yeah.
- Let's hold hands.

Okay. And let's screw all night.

- All night?
- That's fine.

And, okay?
I wanna play board games with you.

I wanna have dinner with your parents.

My mom made you a dress.

Tell me about Spider Man.

Hey, Turkey.
Wanna get married?

It's expensive as hell.

Oh, yes.

Yes!

Yes! Yes!

Captain Lipinski, let's open
the airlocks and go celebrate.

The drinks are on me.

I hereby declare this mission over.

Oh my god, Karen no.

Stewart, what are you doing!

The idea that this is not real is not real.

The simulation is simulated.

It's not that complicated.

What are you talking about?

It's a trap.

They're trying to get us to open airlock so
that we get sucked out into space.

- Who's trying?
- I don't know.

Don't be a sore loser.

Karen, what happened to us
in the time warp was real.

This simulation program is more
advanced than anything you've ever

experienced.
Of course, it felt real.

Captain, open the air locks.

No.

Stewart, you are not
gonna blow this for me.

Get away from the button.

Get, get away, get away, aah!

No, no, no, no. Karen,
you're gonna kill us all.

Karen.

Tina just told me that
she's in love with me.

You said that, that would
never happen in a million years.

A million years.

Your brother's a fool.

Now, open the airlocks and I'll
explain everything Admiral Lipinski.

Look!

Increase the shields!

What the hell was that?

I don't know.

So that was fake?

People taking me seriously.

Ted?

My mothers love.

What happened to my sandwich?

Stewart, can I come in?

- Activate door lock.
- Override.

- Override override.
- Override override override.

How's the crew?

Depressed.

What a mess.

Hm.

Tina doesn't love me.

All we have to eat is fudge.

Something is trying to kill
us and I have no idea how to

get us out of here and on top
of everything, you hate me.

I don't hate you.

Your fantasy is literally me getting fired.

Why do you have to be such a jerk?

Because I'm tired of busting my ass
to get things that just fall into

your lap.

What's that supposed to mean?

I studied debate for
three and a half years and

then you just wandered in there
and got team captain over me.

You got to the anti gravity society
even though you never even floated.

You even beat me out
for Juliet in drama club.

You played the nurse,
that's an important part.

Oh, you.

- I'm sorry.
- Stewart.

I just tried to stage a
coup against you, okay?

You don't apologize to me.

You're right.

I'm sorry. Hm.

I didn't say it.
I didn't say it.

The reason that you succeed
is because you are...

good.

You've been captain for a day and
you've already put down a mutiny and

saved all of our lives.

I mean, you're a better
captain than I could ever be.

Hell, you're a better
Juliet than I could ever be.

- I was really good, huh?
- Yeah.

Are you recording this?

This is a special moment
you're gonna want to remember.

Because you were opening up
yourself! You son of a bitch.

Give it to me.

My nails. Stop digging into me.

Ow, ow, ow.

Ow.

Okay.

So what happens now?

Well UMP regulations on
mutiny are pretty clear.

- Yeah.
- Suppose to relieve you of your duties.

- So...
- Yep.

Yep.

Well, I understand.

You, you, und...

understand?

Thanks for stopping me
from killing us, captain.

So your number one fantasy is to find
a tuna fish sandwich on the ground?

It doesn't have to be on the ground.

Hey guys, how's the vibe out here?

Everyone's super sad.

Yeah, that's what I figured.

I was just in my room feeling the same
way,

but then I did something crazy.

I looked out the window.

No one on Earth has seen any of this.

We can name it whatever we want.

Michael, what would you name that planet?

Michael.

Wow.

Tina, I bet you always
wanted to name a solar system.

Solar System One.

That's an option.

Kent?

Crispin's Wharf.

Milky way.

Tater dog.

Yeah, okay. That's enough.

We all went to the academy
because we loved outer space.

We wanted adventure.

Well guess what?

We're in a whole other space.

This isn't school.

It isn't fake and it looks like it's
got a whole lot of adventure to me.

We're gonna see things that no one
on earth could've ever dreamed of.

We'll be known as the greatest
explorers that ever lived.

Oh no, I had a C minus
average and I cheated a lot.

I was programmed to deal blackjack.

Oh, I very much want to
kiss my mother on the lips.

Well I'm delightful, but
I'm not a crew member, and

I believe Curly Sue has now
joined me in unemployment.

That's right.

According to UMP regulations,
I have to fire Karen and

promote Michael to first officer.

But here's why I'm not gonna do that.

Because forget what people think back home.

Forget about bad grades and red tape.

Forget about all the mean
things people say about you.

Forget what your stupid programming says.

Very well, captain.

Initiating self deletion protocol in

- three, two...
- No,

no, no, no, no, no, no.

I was on a roll.
Don't delete yourself.

Point is, it's just us out here.

Clean start, total do-over.

And as far as I'm concerned, that's plenty.

Now, let's go find us some
dinner in this crazy new universe.

Your captain just gave you an order.

Aye, aye, Captain.

What do I think captain means?

Nobody asked you that.

Captain's just a title, really.

You know, it's just a word.

We all have captain potential
if you think about it.

But I take it super seriously.

I mean, you guys are the best
and I will not let you down.

With me in charge, none of you
are ever gonna feel anything but

safe and protected.

Hey guys.

Chad.

Chad from auxiliary deck.

I forgot to go down and update
you on everything that's happened.

What's up?

Let's take a walk.

Okay so imagine a toilet.

And, and we are in the toilet.

Big old screw-up by Stewart.

That had to feel good.

Are you disrespecting your
captain, Second Officer Newman?

Just kidding.
I love that.

sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com

Yahoo!