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1
00:00:02,415 --> 00:00:05,725
# They say I might as well face the truth
2
00:00:05,895 --> 00:00:09,205
# That I am just too long in the tooth
3
00:00:09,375 --> 00:00:12,731
# So I'm an OAP and weak-kneed
4
00:00:12,895 --> 00:00:16,171
# But I have not yet quite gone to seed
5
00:00:16,335 --> 00:00:20,248
# I may be over the hill now that I have retired
6
00:00:20,415 --> 00:00:23,566
# Fading away, but I'm not yet expired
7
00:00:23,735 --> 00:00:27,728
# Clapped out, run down, too old to save
8
00:00:27,895 --> 00:00:30,204
# One foot in the grave #
9
00:00:45,535 --> 00:00:48,129
Try counting something.
10
00:00:48,295 --> 00:00:50,092
Yes.
11
00:00:50,255 --> 00:00:52,849
I'll try counting my blessings.
12
00:00:53,975 --> 00:00:56,569
well, that didn't take very long.
13
00:00:58,615 --> 00:01:02,403
Bloody fitted sheets. They never stay put.
14
00:01:02,575 --> 00:01:07,774
Look at this. Three times I've wiped my nose
in this, thinking it was a handkerchief.
15
00:01:09,415 --> 00:01:12,612
If make the bed tomorrow, I'll use a staple gun.
16
00:01:17,695 --> 00:01:20,493
I've got a stomach ache now.
17
00:01:20,655 --> 00:01:24,443
- whereabouts?
- whereabouts? In my left earlobe (!)
18
00:01:25,655 --> 00:01:28,374
And I feel sick into the bargain.
19
00:01:28,535 --> 00:01:30,924
I know what that is.
20
00:01:31,095 --> 00:01:35,088
It'll be that dodgy pasta
we had at your mother's last night.
21
00:01:35,255 --> 00:01:38,053
we knew we were in for a voyage of adventure
22
00:01:38,215 --> 00:01:42,208
when she phoned up and told us
to bring a decent pair of secateurs.
23
00:01:43,255 --> 00:01:45,849
She doesn't speak a word of Italian.
24
00:01:46,015 --> 00:01:50,805
working from that old magazine cutting
with a list of ingredients.
25
00:01:50,975 --> 00:01:54,570
Turned out to be the cast list
of ''The Godfather''.
26
00:01:56,495 --> 00:01:59,885
I shudder to think what she must have put in it.
27
00:02:00,975 --> 00:02:05,366
Parmesan cheese and a horse's head,
judging by the taste.
28
00:02:06,975 --> 00:02:10,331
Spaghetti Al Pacino. Ugh!
29
00:02:10,495 --> 00:02:13,453
Give your brain a rest
30
00:02:13,615 --> 00:02:16,607
and then perhaps you might drift off.
31
00:02:16,775 --> 00:02:20,370
Make your mind a complete blank.
32
00:02:20,535 --> 00:02:22,526
I suppose.
33
00:02:29,175 --> 00:02:31,973
what's that film where, when you go to sleep,
34
00:02:32,135 --> 00:02:37,129
a man with spiky fingers comes through the wall
and starts slashing your face to bits?
35
00:02:37,295 --> 00:02:39,604
''A Bridge Too Far''.
36
00:02:39,775 --> 00:02:41,572
Is it?
37
00:02:41,735 --> 00:02:45,523
- No, more recent than that.
- Hardy Kruger.
38
00:02:47,095 --> 00:02:48,687
Oh.
39
00:02:56,775 --> 00:02:59,084
(wHISPERS) Are you asleep?
40
00:03:01,895 --> 00:03:04,204
Are you asleep?
41
00:03:05,495 --> 00:03:07,963
Margaret!
42
00:03:11,375 --> 00:03:14,367
I'll buy one of those sweaters
that Noel Edmonds wears.
43
00:03:14,535 --> 00:03:16,924
You do, and I'll kill myself.
44
00:03:17,095 --> 00:03:19,689
- (TwANG)
- what was that?
45
00:03:19,855 --> 00:03:22,449
- Did you hear that?
- what?
46
00:03:22,615 --> 00:03:25,004
That strange hooting sound.
47
00:03:25,175 --> 00:03:28,008
Probably Mrs Stebbings down the corner.
48
00:03:32,375 --> 00:03:38,291
No, it's that baby owl I told you about
the other night, perched on the telephone wires.
49
00:03:38,455 --> 00:03:41,413
Look at him, perched right over my car roof.
50
00:03:42,495 --> 00:03:45,009
You just dare, matey boy.
51
00:03:46,055 --> 00:03:48,444
He's thinking about it. You can tell.
52
00:03:48,615 --> 00:03:53,052
He will do if you keep staring at him.
You'll make him nervous.
53
00:03:53,215 --> 00:03:57,208
why don't they spatter someone else's car?
why is it always mine?
54
00:03:57,375 --> 00:04:02,768
He is going to, too. Look at him. He's getting
into position. He's shifting himself around.
55
00:04:03,815 --> 00:04:07,012
Any second now he's definitely going to...
56
00:04:07,175 --> 00:04:09,973
- There.
- (ALARM)
57
00:04:10,135 --> 00:04:11,648
Oh!
58
00:04:11,815 --> 00:04:14,409
I don't believe it!
59
00:04:14,575 --> 00:04:17,931
They're supposed to have fixed this thing.
60
00:04:18,095 --> 00:04:19,847
(ALARM OFF)
61
00:04:20,015 --> 00:04:24,008
That's twice I've had to take that back now
because it was too sensitive.
62
00:04:24,935 --> 00:04:28,132
Can't tell me there isn't
something wrong somewhere
63
00:04:28,295 --> 00:04:31,492
when your car alarm's set off
by a bird dropping.
64
00:04:33,135 --> 00:04:35,603
well, that's their rations finished with.
65
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:39,563
Any more stale pieces of toast
now go into the dustbin.
66
00:04:43,775 --> 00:04:47,563
- what's this packet of Bisto doing in here?
- what?
67
00:04:47,735 --> 00:04:51,523
what's this packet of Bisto
doing in the medicine cabinet?
68
00:04:51,695 --> 00:04:55,290
How do I know what it's doing?
I can't even see it.
69
00:04:56,775 --> 00:04:58,970
(FLUSHING)
70
00:04:59,975 --> 00:05:03,763
Ring that garage in the morning.
That'll be the first job.
71
00:05:03,935 --> 00:05:06,654
why is nothing in life ever simple?
72
00:05:07,615 --> 00:05:10,209
what is it that makes that last teaspoon
73
00:05:10,375 --> 00:05:14,573
cling for dear life to the bottom
of the washing-up bowl every night?
74
00:05:14,735 --> 00:05:19,126
when you pour the water away,
even if you haven't used a bloody teaspoon,
75
00:05:19,295 --> 00:05:21,763
there's always one appears from somewhere.
76
00:05:23,135 --> 00:05:25,330
will you just...
77
00:05:25,495 --> 00:05:27,690
go to sleep?
78
00:05:30,215 --> 00:05:32,729
Mysteries of the universe.
79
00:05:35,135 --> 00:05:37,444
Time and space.
80
00:05:39,495 --> 00:05:41,804
Life and death.
81
00:05:43,655 --> 00:05:48,206
Mike Hope and Albie Keen.
Never did hear any more about them.
82
00:05:50,415 --> 00:05:52,212
Time.
83
00:05:53,135 --> 00:05:55,603
when you think about it,
84
00:05:55,775 --> 00:05:58,573
nothing ever exists, in fact.
85
00:05:58,735 --> 00:06:04,731
I worked this out in the post office as I waited
for that woman to finish twanging elastic bands.
86
00:06:06,175 --> 00:06:09,690
The future doesn't exist
because it hasn't happened yet.
87
00:06:09,855 --> 00:06:13,165
The past doesn't exist
because it's already over.
88
00:06:13,335 --> 00:06:19,126
The present doesn't exist because as soon as
you think about it, it's already in the past...
89
00:06:20,695 --> 00:06:23,163
..which doesn't exist any more.
90
00:06:24,295 --> 00:06:30,291
Like that moment just then when I said that.
That's already in the past. Gone for ever.
91
00:06:33,255 --> 00:06:36,645
And so is that,
when I just said, ''Gone for ever.''
92
00:06:38,415 --> 00:06:43,409
And so is that, when I said, ''And so is that.''
That's gone for ever now as well.
93
00:06:46,735 --> 00:06:52,731
So is that. when I said, ''That's gone for ever
now as well,'' that's gone for ever now as well.
94
00:06:52,895 --> 00:06:55,614
Oh, for God's sake!
95
00:06:55,775 --> 00:06:58,972
will you shut up, Victor?
96
00:07:00,615 --> 00:07:05,211
Jabbering on there all the while
like a rabid parrot!
97
00:07:09,935 --> 00:07:13,405
Now I'm wide awake. Thank you very much (!)
98
00:07:14,815 --> 00:07:18,694
what time is it?
Are we in the Single European Market yet?
99
00:07:22,695 --> 00:07:25,084
Quarter past three.
100
00:07:32,895 --> 00:07:36,490
Finish this crossword.
That usually sends me off.
101
00:07:39,815 --> 00:07:44,013
Saw an old friend of yours today.
Came into the shop with a wilting hibiscus.
102
00:07:44,175 --> 00:07:47,167
Charlie Masefield.
103
00:07:47,335 --> 00:07:49,132
Oh, yes.
104
00:07:49,295 --> 00:07:52,287
I haven't seen him in ages.
How's he getting on?
105
00:07:52,455 --> 00:07:55,049
- He's fine.
- Did he ask how I was?
106
00:07:55,215 --> 00:07:56,614
No.
107
00:07:58,655 --> 00:08:00,850
well, not as such.
108
00:08:01,015 --> 00:08:03,483
what do you mean, not as such?
109
00:08:04,975 --> 00:08:08,934
well, he seemed to be under the impression
you were dead.
110
00:08:12,495 --> 00:08:15,373
In fact, we had quite an argument about it.
111
00:08:17,255 --> 00:08:22,454
He was absolutely convinced you died last year,
during wimbledon fortnight.
112
00:08:22,615 --> 00:08:28,485
He said it was the same day Jimmy Connors
got knocked out, so he was doubly shocked.
113
00:08:28,655 --> 00:08:34,810
I said, ''No, you must be getting him mixed up
with someone else.'' But he wouldn't have it.
114
00:08:34,975 --> 00:08:39,969
People that age, they get something
into their head and they won't budge.
115
00:08:40,135 --> 00:08:45,573
He remembered you'd asked to have your ashes
scattered across the floor in Allied Carpets.
116
00:08:48,855 --> 00:08:51,050
Get your own back.
117
00:08:52,055 --> 00:08:56,367
To be honest, I think he's going a bit...
You know.
118
00:08:56,535 --> 00:08:59,049
So, just to keep the peace, I agreed with him.
119
00:08:59,215 --> 00:09:03,811
I said, ''Now you come to mention it,
you're right, he IS dead.''
120
00:09:03,975 --> 00:09:06,773
He went off then, happy as a sandboy.
121
00:09:08,655 --> 00:09:12,443
Oh, and then...
Talk about an afternoon for characters.
122
00:09:12,615 --> 00:09:16,688
we had Broad Maud come in just after lunch
with all her latest problems.
123
00:09:16,855 --> 00:09:21,645
Broad Maud? Is she the one that always
carries her own toilet seat about with her?
124
00:09:21,815 --> 00:09:24,204
In a Tesco's carrier bag.
125
00:09:24,375 --> 00:09:27,173
Frightened stiff of public lavatories.
126
00:09:27,335 --> 00:09:30,327
Frightened stiff of everything.
127
00:09:30,495 --> 00:09:34,966
Takes it all to heart, everything she reads
in the papers and sees on the news.
128
00:09:35,135 --> 00:09:38,332
Salmonella, listeria, poisonous algae,
129
00:09:38,495 --> 00:09:42,488
the man-eating fungus
that comes up through the drains.
130
00:09:42,655 --> 00:09:44,611
Man-eating fungus?
131
00:09:44,775 --> 00:09:48,973
She says she saw it on the news,
but I reckon it was ''Doctor who''.
132
00:09:49,135 --> 00:09:52,923
I think they all start to blur in her mind
in the end.
133
00:09:53,095 --> 00:09:57,088
It was her late husband
had that morbid fear of giant spiders.
134
00:09:57,255 --> 00:10:01,931
Every time he heard the cat flap go,
he used to break out into a cold sweat.
135
00:10:04,575 --> 00:10:09,695
Can you imagine carrying your own toilet seat
about everywhere with you?
136
00:10:09,855 --> 00:10:12,244
It must be a bit of a handicap.
137
00:10:13,335 --> 00:10:18,329
what does she do when she's got two bags
of shopping? wear it round her neck?
138
00:10:22,175 --> 00:10:24,484
well, that's that.
139
00:10:24,655 --> 00:10:27,169
And I'm still wide awake.
140
00:10:29,255 --> 00:10:32,452
Oh, perhaps I'll make a milky drink.
141
00:10:32,615 --> 00:10:37,211
- Do you want one?
- Oh, I suppose so. Might as well. Try anything.
142
00:10:43,215 --> 00:10:45,854
Put a drop of rum in it!
143
00:10:51,375 --> 00:10:53,172
Oh, God.
144
00:10:56,295 --> 00:10:59,605
Perhaps if I read something, that would help.
145
00:11:03,615 --> 00:11:05,924
what have we got?
146
00:11:06,895 --> 00:11:09,693
''A Brief History Of Time''.
147
00:11:09,855 --> 00:11:12,653
Or the autobiography of Reg Varney.
148
00:11:14,135 --> 00:11:16,524
Bloody book clubs.
149
00:11:25,255 --> 00:11:27,450
I know what I could do.
150
00:11:27,615 --> 00:11:32,484
I could open last year's Christmas present
from Ronnie and Mildred.
151
00:11:40,735 --> 00:11:44,728
''To dearest Victor, just a little something
to wish you a merry Christmas
152
00:11:44,895 --> 00:11:48,683
''and a prosperous 1990,
from Ronnie and Mildred.''
153
00:11:48,855 --> 00:11:51,244
No, I'm not that bored yet.
154
00:11:54,575 --> 00:11:56,167
Ohhhh...
155
00:12:11,175 --> 00:12:13,689
No, still not straight.
156
00:12:19,015 --> 00:12:21,609
That's got it. That's straight.
157
00:12:21,775 --> 00:12:24,164
(PHONE)
158
00:12:29,135 --> 00:12:31,126
4291.
159
00:12:31,295 --> 00:12:33,286
what?
160
00:12:33,455 --> 00:12:35,764
Yes, it IS straight.
161
00:12:36,775 --> 00:12:40,654
what do you mean,
not from where you're standing?
162
00:12:41,655 --> 00:12:44,294
You can't see from right across the road.
163
00:12:44,455 --> 00:12:47,447
Anyway, what are you doing up
at this time of...?
164
00:12:47,615 --> 00:12:49,651
Oh, can't you?
165
00:12:50,655 --> 00:12:56,446
Yes, I'm sorry about that. They were supposed
to have fixed it, but you know garages.
166
00:12:56,615 --> 00:12:58,207
Yes.
167
00:12:58,375 --> 00:13:01,367
Yes. Yes, I hope you do, too.
168
00:13:01,535 --> 00:13:03,412
Goodnight.
169
00:13:07,095 --> 00:13:12,010
The rest of that milk was off,
so I had to use powdered, and we're out of rum.
170
00:13:31,775 --> 00:13:34,243
God, this tastes revolting.
171
00:13:37,175 --> 00:13:40,167
I know. It came through the front door.
172
00:13:40,335 --> 00:13:44,328
There's several Olympic pole vaulters
supposed to swear by it.
173
00:13:53,055 --> 00:13:56,843
That shampoo makes my hair all dry.
I won't use that again.
174
00:13:57,015 --> 00:13:59,813
- which one's that?
- Another new one.
175
00:13:59,975 --> 00:14:03,172
That came through the front door as well.
176
00:14:04,655 --> 00:14:08,250
Just as well they don't have
a sales push on for motorcycles.
177
00:14:08,415 --> 00:14:11,407
A Harley Davidson
coming through the front door,
178
00:14:11,575 --> 00:14:15,568
mowing us all to the ground
when we came down for breakfast.
179
00:14:16,615 --> 00:14:22,008
The man from the pet shop was coming around
this morning with free trial offer chihuahuas.
180
00:14:23,135 --> 00:14:26,923
Hammering them through people's letter boxes
with a large mallet.
181
00:14:29,055 --> 00:14:31,615
I expect we'll get ours tomorrow.
182
00:14:31,775 --> 00:14:33,970
More than likely.
183
00:14:37,935 --> 00:14:41,530
- Is it all right if I put the light out now?
- Yes.
184
00:15:00,215 --> 00:15:03,013
Oh, God. My leg's started twitching now.
185
00:15:03,175 --> 00:15:05,973
I wondered when that was going to happen.
186
00:15:06,135 --> 00:15:12,131
Shaking about like a morris dancer. All you need
to do is put a couple of bells on the end of it.
187
00:15:12,295 --> 00:15:16,447
Oh! I can't stop it. It's always the same
when my muscles get tense.
188
00:15:16,615 --> 00:15:19,766
Here we go. Ministry of Silly walks.
189
00:15:27,175 --> 00:15:30,565
It's no laughing matter
if you had to put up with it.
190
00:15:32,455 --> 00:15:36,243
You don't take enough exercise,
that's your problem.
191
00:15:36,415 --> 00:15:39,009
Too much sitting around all day.
192
00:15:40,055 --> 00:15:43,843
Sitting around,
fretting about everything under the sun.
193
00:15:44,815 --> 00:15:47,409
No wonder you end up all on edge.
194
00:15:49,855 --> 00:15:52,164
(FLUSHING)
195
00:15:54,335 --> 00:15:57,930
Can't so much as suck a Polo
without crunching it.
196
00:15:58,975 --> 00:16:02,172
- who can't?
- Go right through the entire packet
197
00:16:02,335 --> 00:16:05,327
like a beaver in one of those old cartoons.
198
00:16:07,295 --> 00:16:10,765
I think if I stick it in the air...
199
00:16:11,735 --> 00:16:14,727
Stretch it and stop the trembling.
200
00:16:16,335 --> 00:16:18,326
(SIGHS)
201
00:16:18,495 --> 00:16:20,486
That's better.
202
00:16:32,615 --> 00:16:34,606
(SNORING)
203
00:16:40,215 --> 00:16:42,206
(ALARM)
204
00:16:43,855 --> 00:16:48,849
- Haven't you got your key ready?
- Bloody thing again! what the hell's going on?
205
00:16:52,055 --> 00:16:55,047
It's that cat sitting on the front bonnet.
206
00:16:55,215 --> 00:17:00,414
- Shoo! Go away! Haven't you found it yet?
- It won't switch it off. what's wrong with it?
207
00:17:00,575 --> 00:17:03,373
- The battery's gone.
- we can't leave it.
208
00:17:03,535 --> 00:17:09,531
- we'll wake the whole of the south of England.
- There's a key under the bonnet. My slippers.
209
00:17:09,695 --> 00:17:12,687
(BEEPING CONTINUES)
210
00:17:23,615 --> 00:17:25,810
(BEEPING STOPS)
211
00:17:43,655 --> 00:17:47,443
I'll have words with that garage tomorrow.
You see if I don't.
212
00:17:47,615 --> 00:17:50,766
Leave your car in for three days
and they do nothing.
213
00:17:50,935 --> 00:17:53,733
Probably using it to go about joyriding in.
214
00:17:53,895 --> 00:17:57,683
I swear I could smell seaweed
from that air filter.
215
00:17:57,855 --> 00:17:59,493
Victor...
216
00:17:59,655 --> 00:18:03,045
- what's that you've got on your foot?
- where?
217
00:18:03,215 --> 00:18:05,012
Aaaaagh!
218
00:18:06,655 --> 00:18:09,727
You've got your foot in a rotting hedgehog!
219
00:18:11,055 --> 00:18:13,250
Oh, God!
220
00:18:13,415 --> 00:18:16,213
It must have been when my slipper came off.
221
00:18:16,375 --> 00:18:19,014
Ugh! I thought it was a bit soggy.
222
00:18:19,175 --> 00:18:21,564
I thought it was just perspiration.
223
00:18:21,735 --> 00:18:24,533
Steady, what are you doing? Give it to me.
224
00:18:24,695 --> 00:18:26,890
- Ugh!
- Eugh!
225
00:18:27,055 --> 00:18:29,250
Oh, there it is.
226
00:18:29,415 --> 00:18:32,407
Oh, ruddy thing! where do they come from?
227
00:18:34,775 --> 00:18:36,766
(MIAOw)
228
00:18:36,935 --> 00:18:39,529
Serves you right for sitting on my car!
229
00:18:44,335 --> 00:18:46,326
Come here.
230
00:18:50,015 --> 00:18:54,611
Oh, look. You've got all these little needles
stuck in your foot.
231
00:18:56,335 --> 00:19:01,329
Oh, I've had it for one night, Margaret. I have
straight. I was just getting off then, as well.
232
00:19:01,495 --> 00:19:04,089
Just getting to sleep and dreaming.
233
00:19:04,255 --> 00:19:06,849
Dreaming this really strange dream.
234
00:19:07,855 --> 00:19:13,054
They'd emptied all the water out of Loch Ness
to see if there was any monsters.
235
00:19:13,215 --> 00:19:16,924
when the lake was completely empty,
there, lying in the mud,
236
00:19:17,095 --> 00:19:19,893
was this giant 60-foot-long teaspoon.
237
00:19:22,615 --> 00:19:24,333
There.
238
00:19:24,495 --> 00:19:27,089
I think that's got the worst of it out.
239
00:19:27,255 --> 00:19:30,930
I should watch where you're treading
the next time.
240
00:19:34,975 --> 00:19:36,966
Oh, God.
241
00:19:37,135 --> 00:19:40,013
Am I not going to get any sleep tonight?
242
00:19:40,175 --> 00:19:44,726
- why don't you just bring the lavatory in here?
- Sorry?
243
00:19:44,895 --> 00:19:48,774
Go on like this,
you'll be as dehydrated as that hedgehog.
244
00:19:50,855 --> 00:19:54,643
Remember what happened
to the wicked witch of the west.
245
00:19:57,095 --> 00:19:59,086
(FLUSHING)
246
00:19:59,975 --> 00:20:04,765
Up all bloody night long. I might as well
have taken that job as a night watchman.
247
00:20:04,935 --> 00:20:08,894
I nearly did, if it hadn't been
for the pittance they were offering.
248
00:20:09,055 --> 00:20:11,649
what do they reckon you'd live on?
249
00:20:11,815 --> 00:20:16,809
I was thinking the other day that I might apply
for the job as the Duchess of York.
250
00:20:16,975 --> 00:20:20,968
Seems to be a profession
with a certain amount of security.
251
00:20:21,135 --> 00:20:25,651
Don't get made redundant.
Miners, steelworkers, you can do without.
252
00:20:25,815 --> 00:20:29,524
But you know that York
will always need a Duchess
253
00:20:29,695 --> 00:20:33,483
to stop it grinding to a complete standstill.
254
00:20:34,775 --> 00:20:37,414
One of the few certainties in life.
255
00:20:37,575 --> 00:20:41,170
I could always take
my City and Guilds in grinning.
256
00:20:46,135 --> 00:20:49,332
Do you remember the first time
we slept together?
257
00:20:49,495 --> 00:20:51,770
How could I forget?
258
00:20:52,975 --> 00:20:55,967
That bloody dripping tap.
259
00:20:56,135 --> 00:20:58,933
That kept us awake half the night, if you recall.
260
00:20:59,095 --> 00:21:01,529
You hogged the bed.
261
00:21:01,695 --> 00:21:06,689
- who did?
- You did, sleeping diagonally across the bed.
262
00:21:06,855 --> 00:21:11,645
I used to think it was romantic in those days,
having your right elbow up my nose.
263
00:21:11,815 --> 00:21:16,809
- why didn't you move me, then?
- I wasn't at the controls of a bulldozer.
264
00:21:18,215 --> 00:21:21,287
I did contemplate jabbing you with a hatpin,
265
00:21:21,455 --> 00:21:24,174
but I didn't want to wake the baby at No.43.
266
00:21:24,335 --> 00:21:26,895
I wouldn't think twice about it today.
267
00:21:27,055 --> 00:21:30,172
I don't remember ever hogging the bed.
268
00:21:30,335 --> 00:21:33,645
And you used to suck your thumb in your sleep.
269
00:21:33,815 --> 00:21:37,808
- when did I?
- For the first three years we were married.
270
00:21:37,975 --> 00:21:40,694
Some nights you used to suck MY thumb.
271
00:21:41,655 --> 00:21:47,446
- You've never told me about this before.
- Talk about a late developer. At the age of 26.
272
00:21:47,615 --> 00:21:52,405
If you've ever wondered why you've got
stumpy thumbs, now you know.
273
00:21:52,575 --> 00:21:56,568
And you used to cuddle the hot-water bottle,
pretending it was a teddy bear.
274
00:21:56,735 --> 00:21:59,124
I did nothing of the sort.
275
00:21:59,295 --> 00:22:04,892
- I remember it burst one night.
- You pressed it, trying to make it squeak.
276
00:22:05,055 --> 00:22:09,128
Look, do we have to go on about this?
And I do not have stumpy thumbs.
277
00:22:13,255 --> 00:22:17,328
And anyway, YOU used to talk in your sleep.
278
00:22:17,495 --> 00:22:20,089
You used to SING in your sleep.
279
00:22:20,255 --> 00:22:23,645
I'm lying there, just dozing off,
and what did I hear?
280
00:22:23,815 --> 00:22:27,205
''Ladies and gentlemen,
the voice of David whitfield,''
281
00:22:27,375 --> 00:22:30,173
and then three minutes of ''Cara Mia Mine''.
282
00:22:31,335 --> 00:22:37,126
If you'd had a lump of cheese for your supper,
we used to get a selection from Eddie Calvert.
283
00:22:37,295 --> 00:22:41,493
''Cherry Blossom Pink''
being snored through a trumpet.
284
00:22:41,655 --> 00:22:44,567
Look, can we just drop this subject, please?
285
00:22:44,735 --> 00:22:48,330
- well, you brought it up.
- Yes, I'm sorry I did.
286
00:22:48,495 --> 00:22:50,804
''Cherry Blossom Pink'' (!)
287
00:22:50,975 --> 00:22:56,652
The lady next door came round one night to ask
if the cat had got his tail stuck in the mangle.
288
00:22:56,815 --> 00:22:59,204
I said, can we drop it?
289
00:23:07,295 --> 00:23:09,809
Oh, God...
290
00:23:09,975 --> 00:23:12,364
There it is. Can you hear it?
291
00:23:12,535 --> 00:23:15,049
The rattle of distant milk bottles.
292
00:23:16,415 --> 00:23:21,569
That's the beginning of the end now.
we might as well get up and put the kettle on.
293
00:23:24,495 --> 00:23:26,884
I saw that advert again today.
294
00:23:27,055 --> 00:23:32,448
''Buy the 'Daily Mail' because you can read it
without getting ink on your fingers.''
295
00:23:33,695 --> 00:23:39,292
By that token, you might as well have a cup
of bleach because it doesn't stain the teapot.
296
00:23:41,015 --> 00:23:44,644
Some papers these days!
Especially the one your mother reads.
297
00:23:44,815 --> 00:23:48,774
She says she likes it
because it's conservative with a small C.
298
00:23:48,935 --> 00:23:50,448
Yes.
299
00:23:50,615 --> 00:23:54,324
I believe Joseph Goebbels
was a Nazi with a small N.
300
00:23:55,975 --> 00:24:00,571
Imagine if the history books had been written
the same way as the newspapers.
301
00:24:00,735 --> 00:24:03,932
1215, King John signed the Magna Carta.
302
00:24:04,095 --> 00:24:09,886
1216, King John showed a shapely ankle
when the wind blew up his cloak at Runnymede,
303
00:24:10,055 --> 00:24:14,253
sparking off rumours that
he might be on a super new low-calorie diet.
304
00:24:15,255 --> 00:24:18,247
Potty Pankhurst at it again.
305
00:24:18,415 --> 00:24:23,409
The Slaughter of the Innocents -
no British babies believed to be involved.
306
00:24:30,335 --> 00:24:34,328
- I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.
- It's all right.
307
00:24:34,495 --> 00:24:38,693
The first thing that came into my head.
You don't know what you're saying.
308
00:24:38,855 --> 00:24:41,323
I know. I do it myself sometimes.
309
00:24:43,655 --> 00:24:47,250
I was thinking about him just this morning,
funnily enough,
310
00:24:47,415 --> 00:24:51,203
running into Glenys
outside the post office with Michael.
311
00:24:51,375 --> 00:24:56,972
She had him just four days before. She was
coming out of hospital just as I was going in.
312
00:24:58,415 --> 00:25:01,487
He's still working for that insurance company.
313
00:25:01,655 --> 00:25:06,570
They're talking about moving him
to his own branch up north somewhere.
314
00:25:06,735 --> 00:25:08,930
She'll miss him.
315
00:25:09,095 --> 00:25:11,484
She never had any others.
316
00:25:13,015 --> 00:25:18,214
He'd just bought his mum an ice cream,
then he was going to run her up the doctor's.
317
00:25:19,215 --> 00:25:23,413
It doesn't seem five minutes
since it was the other way round.
318
00:25:25,815 --> 00:25:28,613
I always think of Stuart when I see him.
319
00:25:29,815 --> 00:25:32,613
God, he's enormous now.
320
00:25:32,775 --> 00:25:36,165
His eldest girl's
just starting at the secondary.
321
00:25:39,055 --> 00:25:41,853
I wonder what he would have gone into.
322
00:25:42,015 --> 00:25:44,893
I wonder if he'd have gone into insurance.
323
00:25:45,055 --> 00:25:47,444
Not if I'd had my way.
324
00:25:48,295 --> 00:25:52,766
You make so many plans for your life
when you're young.
325
00:25:54,295 --> 00:25:58,493
I don't know what I imagined I'd be doing
when I was 55.
326
00:26:00,095 --> 00:26:04,088
Seemed like so far in the future,
it would never happen.
327
00:26:05,055 --> 00:26:08,570
A year was an eternity when you were a child.
328
00:26:09,975 --> 00:26:13,047
The time between one Christmas and the next.
329
00:26:13,215 --> 00:26:16,013
Yes, about two months now.
330
00:26:16,175 --> 00:26:19,963
They'll be draping tinsel over the Easter eggs
before long.
331
00:26:21,215 --> 00:26:25,003
why can't they let you live your life
at your own speed?
332
00:26:27,255 --> 00:26:29,132
Oh, God!
333
00:26:29,295 --> 00:26:32,287
I knew it wouldn't be long before he started.
334
00:26:32,455 --> 00:26:35,253
- who?
- That bloody sparrow.
335
00:26:36,375 --> 00:26:39,765
what's he got to be up so early for? Shut up!
336
00:26:39,935 --> 00:26:45,931
One day I'm going to sneak up to his nest
when he's asleep with a welsh male voice choir.
337
00:26:46,095 --> 00:26:51,533
Three choruses of ''Men Of Harlech'' would
have him laughing the other side of his beak.
338
00:26:52,735 --> 00:26:57,525
God! Hardly worth coming to bed,
for all the rest I've had.
339
00:26:57,695 --> 00:27:00,289
I mean, what's the point of it?
340
00:27:00,455 --> 00:27:05,529
Get in each night feeling as right as rain.
when I get up, I feel absolutely terrible.
341
00:27:07,735 --> 00:27:10,124
Pure ritual.
342
00:27:10,295 --> 00:27:12,889
It's like life, I suppose.
343
00:27:14,215 --> 00:27:16,809
I wonder what the point is in living.
344
00:27:16,975 --> 00:27:19,773
Doesn't seem to get you anywhere, does it?
345
00:27:19,935 --> 00:27:23,325
Oh, I don't know.
Ask that sparrow. He seems happy enough.
346
00:27:23,495 --> 00:27:26,885
All he ever does
is eat bits of burnt toast and worms.
347
00:27:27,055 --> 00:27:29,774
He's still got plenty to sing about, obviously.
348
00:27:29,935 --> 00:27:31,653
Yes.
349
00:27:32,655 --> 00:27:35,249
I wonder what his secret is.
350
00:27:36,255 --> 00:27:38,644
Perhaps it is his diet.
351
00:27:45,855 --> 00:27:50,292
You won't be able to have porridge
for your breakfast. we're out of milk.
352
00:27:50,455 --> 00:27:54,050
- I'll have powdered.
- we're also out of porridge.
353
00:27:55,695 --> 00:27:58,892
Ah. well, I'll have something different.
354
00:27:59,055 --> 00:28:00,852
what?
355
00:28:01,015 --> 00:28:03,370
Hmm...
356
00:28:03,535 --> 00:28:05,924
I think I might try
357
00:28:06,095 --> 00:28:08,848
worms on toast for a change.
358
00:28:11,735 --> 00:28:14,203
we'll open a new can in the morning.
359
00:28:17,375 --> 00:28:19,764
Yes, we always seem to.
360
00:28:24,015 --> 00:28:27,644
# They say I might as well face the truth
361
00:28:27,815 --> 00:28:30,727
# That I am just too long in the tooth
362
00:28:30,895 --> 00:28:34,126
# I've started to deteriorate
363
00:28:34,295 --> 00:28:37,731
# And now I've passed my own sell-by date
364
00:28:37,895 --> 00:28:41,570
# Oh, I am no spring chicken, it 's true
365
00:28:41,735 --> 00:28:45,045
# I have to pop my teeth in to chew
366
00:28:45,215 --> 00:28:48,332
# And my old knees have started to knock
367
00:28:48,495 --> 00:28:51,692
# I've just got too many miles on the clock
368
00:28:51,855 --> 00:28:55,643
# Oh, I'm a wrinkly, crinkly, set in my ways
369
00:28:55,815 --> 00:28:59,569
# It's true that my body has seen better days
370
00:28:59,735 --> 00:29:03,330
# But give me half a chanceand I can still misbehave
371
00:29:03,495 --> 00:29:05,690
# One foot in the grave
372
00:29:06,735 --> 00:29:09,124
# One foot in the grave
373
00:29:10,335 --> 00:29:12,724
# One foot in the grave #
31435
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