Original subtitles

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What do you think? I'm a mink.

Just a jiff...

- Pinkie? - Yes?

Did I hear Dame Beatrice come in?

No, it was the maid - Lily.

Oh.

If you're going to be a debutante, you must get that curtsy right.

- Who's in there? Miss Pinkerton? - Yes, and stop rattling, Major.

It's 1831 hours.

You are scheduled to evacuate the ablutions at 1830.

Surely you could wait 20 minutes?

No! It's the scheduled time for my tub! You know the roster.

- Bother that. This isn't a barrack. - Sabotage!

Now look what you made me do!

Major, really!

- Are you mad?! Do you think... - Lily, he's invaded me...

What's going on? How can I instruct a debutante with this din?

The Major just attacked Miss Pinkerton.

I just kicked the door in...

- by accident. - Good grief!

- Lily! - Hark at the poor beast.

1830 is my scheduled bath time.

- What's 'appened, Miss Parry? - Nothing, Miss Golding.

With that accent, how can she hope to come out successfully?

- She's halfway out already. - Same time tomorrow.

Meantime, read that little book of etiquette.

Practice refinement and above all that curtsy.

Righto.

Very good!

Intolerable! Something has to be done about Miss Pinkerton. No discipline.

You can have too much of that.

Nonsense. As my old chief Monty used to say,

discipline underlies civilian life as it does military life.

Monty? I thought you were in the Mobile Bath Unit.

Well, even so...

I bet he was allowed to have a good old soaking without you breaking in!

- Mobile Bath Unit. - We did a perfectly splendid job!

- Oh? - We kept the army clean.

I know. You won the war with soap and water.

We were often in the thick of it.

It was a long time ago now, Major. Why do you keep harking back on it?

Why? Because they were the happiest years of my life.

Six years of doing something, being somebody. Look at me now.

Holed up here with a lot of dotty females.

No job, no future. Nothing to look forward to.

Right! Lodgers out of the drawing room. Dame will be back soon.

Dame Beatrice has asked you not to refer to us as lodgers.

- We're guests. - Lodgers, squatters, guests...

I don't care, so long as the room's cleared. Evacuated, Major.

That'll be the Dame.

Yes.

Lily! Come and help me up with some things.

Right. OK!

Off you go. Scram. Back to your quarters.

- Why does she walk like that? - Can't think.

Thank you.

- Your name's Lily, isn't it? - That's right.

You, er... work for that old crackpot next door, don't you?

I'll tell you what, the wife and I are looking for a new girl.

I'll pay you a couple of quid a week more than she gives you.

Oh, now, wait a minute, you don't want to decide too quickly.

There might be, er... other perks, if we get on well together.

I don't think we would, Mr. Spanager.

I'd rather work for Dame Beatrice for nothing.

Now kindly move before I use my knee.

- Dora? - Here!

- How was Birmingham? - Oh, business was fair.

I've, er, bought you a little present.

Breath of Spring mink. First quality.

Thanks.

Have you gone crazy?!

Birmingham on business! Brighton on funny business!

- Oh, Dora! - I don't want conscience presents.

This cost a thousand quid!

All you think about is money! Well, you can't buy me!

- Come on. Put it on. - Give it to your Brighton date.

- I'd rather throw it away. - Well, throw it away!

All right! I ruddy well will!

Done! Satisfied? Now say all I care about is money.

- I don't care what you think about! - Oh, Dora, leave me alone!

Oh, Lily...

Oh, you do look down in the dumps, Dame Bea.

I feel old and useless.

Useless? With all the good you do?

Did. I've finished with charity work this afternoon.

You scrimp and save, beg and borrow,

and where does half the money go?

Down the throats of the organizing committee.

I'm finished. But I did enjoy it so.

Now I've got nothing to look forward to

but getting as old and moth-eaten as this wretched thing.

Never mind, Dame. You never know what's round the corner, do you?

Dora! There's nothing to get excited about!

- Me get excited? - I'm not excited!

Ha! Trying to buy me back with a blasted fur!

I've chucked the ruddy thing away!

I'm chucking you away! I'm leaving you!

Oh, sweetie, be reasonable!

Dame Beatrice, I wish to lodge a complaint.

- Again? - Lily's been at my fishing rod.

Oh, rubbish, Major. That Lily should go fishing in a London flat?

- What could she catch? - I caught her putting it back.

- Now, my girl, perhaps... - All right, Major. Leave Lily to me.

I don't know what you've been doing with the Major's fishing rod

and I don't want to know, but don't do it again.

All right. I won't.

- What's this? - A present.

- From you? - From me and, um, providence.

Oh, Lily.

You know, I... I've always wanted to give you something good.

But why?

You were the only person to give me a break when I came out of jail.

Well, it made no difference to me that...

that your last post was with Her Majesty.

What's this?!

Well, where did this come from?

Never you mind where. You just be glad it come.

You can't produce a valuable mink

and say it doesn't matter where it came from.

Well, the lady it was given to didn't want it,

so the so-and-so who gave it to her threw it away.

- Lily, did you steal this? - Oh, no!

- I just retrieved it, that's all. - Oh, Lily, Lily.

That'll be the police! Without doubt, the police!

I'll answer it.

- Er, Dame Beatrice Appleby? - Yes...

No... Well, yes. She's in there.

Well, er... may I?

Excuse me. Thank you.

Dame Beatrice Appleby?

Yes. But it was an unfortunate accident.

- It's been going on for some time. - Oh, no!

Well, you are the owner of car number EPB863?

Well, I haven't looked at it for some time,

but what has that got to do?

Well, it's been involved in a series of "avoidable mishaps" lately.

Nothing serious. Just a hit here and a scratch there.

Oh! Oh, I see!

Oh!

Your fur?

Er, no... Oh, yes!

Thank you so much. Well, won't you come in?

How clever of you to have run me to earth.

You don't deny that you've hit a few vehicles in passing, so to speak?

No, no. I'm sure you're right.

I have detected scraping noises, particularly when I was parking.

I do hope I haven't left a trail of damage behind me.

No, that's putting it a bit strong, but you have to come to the station

- and bring your license. - I shall be delighted.

But I can't promise to bring my license. I haven't seen it for years.

Well, so nice of you to have come.

Lily? Show the Inspector out.

Thank you so much.

Lily, I want to see you in a moment.

Thank you.

What a charming lady... Er, dame... Er, person.

- Look, this'll seem a little odd... - Odd?

Well, sudden. You've heard of police balls?

Well, there's one next month and I've got tickets

and I wondered if, er... if... Well, if you'd like to come with me?

- That's funny. - I know it's an awful cheek

but I don't know many people and, er...

Well, I'll call you tomorrow evening. The name's Benham.

Good day.

I hope that brought you to your senses.

- Well, where did you get it? - The Spanagers.

I yanked it off their balcony with the Major's fishing rod.

I'm telling Dame Beatrice! I'm sorry to disturb you.

- I must speak to you. - This is not a happy moment.

The Major's ruined one of my customer's teapots.

I merely turned the oven up to number 10 for my macaroni cheese.

You knew I had china baking.

Just look at the scorches along my joins.

China mending is my living and I ought to be allowed...

Stop! As if I hadn't enough trouble already.

Now look what you've done.

- Just leave me in peace. - Absolutely. Forget all about it.

- Oh, what a lovely fur. Is it yours? - Oh!

I say, Lily's howling her head off. What's happened?

It's dreadful. She had a seizure and stole Mrs. Spanager's stole.

You mean she's... reverted?

- Only momentarily. - Not at all.

She's been at my flies, too.

Look. One of my salmon flies is missing. I warned you about the girl.

- That doesn't help me now. - You'll have to inform the police.

Oh, no, no! She did it for me.

- A mad idea to give me a present. - Well, that's different.

If they find out, it'll mean jail for her again.

Well, we can't allow that.

- No, I suppose not. - No.

We must arrange a set of circumstances

and get the Spanagers out of their flat and the front door open.

Yes, that's possible, assuming that they haven't missed it yet.

Yes, this could be rather fun.

We'll have to plan a campaign on proper military lines.

- Oh, crikey. Must we? - Certainly.

Now, headings..."Information", "Enemy Mobilized in Flat 36",

"Enemy Strength." How many?

Just two. Mr. And Mrs. Spanager.

Secrecy is absolutely essential. We must send Lily on an errand.

- What for? - Oh, something without suspicion.

A tin of rice pudding.

Perhaps somebody will think of something sensible.

How are we going to set about it?

We could light a fire, then shout for help through their letterbox.

What about the lift?

The lift. Yes, that's a possibility.

Yes, it's always going wrong. The lift!

A spot of rum before going into action is always permissible.

- This is brandy. - Same effect.

- You? - Oh, no. No, thank you.

I'll have some of this nerve tonic.

- Field's clear. - Right! Action stations!

- Must you be so loud? - Ring for Lily.

Ah! I just thought - if the deaf porter's on duty, we're all right.

The short-sighted one might hear the screams and wreck everything.

- Hell! - Then, we must dispose of him.

- Dame Beatrice! - Well, I don't mean bump him off.

Don't worry. Leave the porter to Miss Parry and me.

- Ah, Lily. - Yes?

I'm going to bed, Lily, but I shan't get a wink... and you know why.

Pop round to Mrs. Richardson's and get one of her special sleeping pills.

If you're going to bed, why are you wearing your hat?

Don't ask silly questions, Lily. Run along.

What about the, um, you know what?

You can leave the "you know what" to me.

Right. Any questions?

Yes. How will we know when you've got the fur safely back?

- The signal you mentioned? - Why didn't someone remind me?

- I just did. - A police whistle!

Where the dickens will we find a police whistle at this hour?

- Of all the idiotic! - Wait.

I keep it in case of night intruders.

Night intruders? Some hope.

However, thanks.

I'll give a penetrating blast when I return safely.

Lily.

- Lily's gone. - Good. Right. Egg timer.

Thirty seconds to go. Everybody ready?

One moment. I don't think I'm quite ready.

- No, definitely not. - This won't take five minutes.

No, I must. I shan't be a moment. It's just...

If anyone's going to mess it up, she is. Stand by.

All right. First wave in. Good hunting.

Steady on!

By Jove, this is quite like old times.

Oh, they've gone.

Oh, my heart's pumping terribly.

I'll never go through with it!

I say, steady on! A tot, not the lot!

It's all right. It's the deaf one.

My throat's gone dry.

- I shan't be able to make a sound. - That's my department.

Press the red box. Open the gates.

- Ready? - Yes.

Help!

- Help! - Over the top.

Help! Help!

Help! Disaster!

All right, all right!

Come quickly! Dame Beatrice is rapped like a trat in the lift!

- What are you? - Quickly!

Help!

Psst! Lock the staircase and faint if anything goes wrong.

Go on. Push!

The fur... Ah.

Where's the fur? Blast!

Blast it! We're sunk!

Oh! Ooh!

Good evening, young man.

Are you the gentleman about the cistern?

Oh... Oh...

What shall I do? Oh, yes.

Mmm...

Right-ho.

- There we are. - Thank you!

A most unpleasant experience.

Thanks a million. Beastly contraption. Should be condemned.

- Why did you open the gates? - Don't ask me.

The whole thing's a blur. But I shall never forget your gallantry.

Oh, success! Magnificent!

- Major, your plan... - Was a flop.

- We failed. - Failed?!

Yes. Caught red-handed. Old woman in flat. Ran slap into her.

Oh, yes. Mrs. Spanager's mother is staying a few days.

You clot!

- Why didn't you tell me before? - Well, I forgot.

Well, you never asked me.

Only one course of action. Clean breast.

Throw ourselves on their mercy.

I wonder if I could have a tiny sip of his brandy.

I feel rather faint.

- Yes? - Yes, um...

Well, I've come to make a confession, actually.

Eh? Oh, you'd better come inside.

Thank you. Well, it's like this...

Good evening. Aren't you the gentleman from the waterworks?

Now, Mother...

Why don't you leave things where you ruddy well find 'em?

- My mother-in-law. - What's going on now?

- That fur... - You haven't seen it.

- I can assure you... - You haven't seen it!

He's come about the cistern again.

Wants a new ball cock, that's what it wants.

Why don't you put her to sleep?

I mean, take her to bed.

Come along, dear. Beddy-byes.

Sorry about my mother-in-law. She, er, imagines things.

- Does she? - She's a bit barmy.

Oh, is she?

What's this about a confession?

Confession? Well, now you're imagining things.

Came to apologize for the confusion. Everybody's frightfully grateful.

Thank you.

Bye.

No, I think we've all had enough.

Oh, have you?

You can relax. They haven't a clue.

You're a marvel. What did you do?

Successful commanders never reveal their strategy.

- Just be thankful I was around, eh? - Oh, we are.

Three cheers for the Major. Hip! Hip! Hoorah! Good show, chum.

- I've never been so excited! - Nor I.

I feel like I've given �1,000 to charity.

I feel re-enlisted.

Fancy going back to mending chipped china after this.

Or teaching manners to morons.

And the dullness of the teatime of life.

Well, I wouldn't mind doing the whole thing again.

We'd do a better job after our baptism of fire.

- What a gang we'd make. - I say...

What about pinching furs instead of putting them back?

By Jove, what a wizard idea!

A specialized task force run on military lines.

Under your command, Major.

- Yes! - And the proceeds for my charities.

So, madam, this is a wonderful bargain.

Sable-dyed Russian Kolinski mit mink workings.

You see the narrow paneling.

�500.

�500 pounds for that?! It's daylight robbery.

I don't know what madam wants. I have been showing everything.

The best capes, from 300 to 3,000 guineas inclusive.

What is it you want?

Well, I wondered if you had anything around the three-guinea mark.

Three guineas?

What kind of a place do you take me for? A junk shop?

- Goodbye, please. - Goodbye, please to you...

So, clear this stock away, Gertrude, please.

Don't just standing there. It's getting on my vick!

- Bongo. - Bongo.

Return to base via yellow route and rendezvous soonest.

"What you want?"

- Hello. - Hello.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I've got some bad news.

Several of the chaps are sick

and they've shoved me on duty this afternoon.

- Oh, well. Never mind. - I've got the tickets for the dance.

Is something the matter?

I don't think I'll be able to come to the dance, Jim.

And I think it'll be very much better if we don't see each other any more.

- Why? - I've got my reason.

- Oh, is there someone else? - Oh, no.

Well, what, then?

- I'm just not right for you. - Well, can't I be the judge of that?

Been better judges than you, Jim. Not so nice, perhaps, but better.

Well... I'm not giving you up until I know the reason.

All right. You've got your career to think about and I wouldn't help it.

- But, Lily... - No, I've got a record, Jim.

- I've been inside. - Yes?

- Is that all you've got to say? - Is that all you've got to say?

- I know about your record. - You do?

Mm.

Look... When I was a kid, I pinched a bicycle bell from a shop.

Only I was lucky. I didn't get caught.

Come on. That's in the past. We're both on the straight and narrow now.

Oh, Jim. I'm so lucky.

It was Dame Bea who gave me my chance.

She's the sweetest, kindest, most honest person in the whole world.

But how shall we steal it?

- Capture, Dame Bea, not steal. - Hear, hear.

Intention: To capture one Kolinski fur coat from Madame Spolinski's.

- Wait a minute. Why not two? - I've planned the operation for one.

- Besides, who'd capture the second? - Pinkie.

- Oh, no! - Oh, no!

There you are. She doesn't want to do it.

Oh, I'd do it. I'm just not sure whether I could.

But if you use her, bang goes our mobile reserve.

I don't want to be mobile reserve.

That's just your way of giving me nothing to do.

Very well, but remember it was your idea.

No point going through these headings...

"Method", "Medical", "Veterinary"...

- Veterinary? - Horse transport. Not applicable.

"Dress." We'd better discuss dress.

Disguise is essential. Dame Bea, have you studied this?

Yes. Give me half a minute and I'll show you.

I've got a gorgeous idea for a disguise, too.

Oh! I'm so thrilled to be in the shock troops again.

Who's going to get the shock, I wonder?

Don't be too much of a diehard.

She'll show her paces with training.

You talk as if she was a horse instead of an ass.

Ignore the wastepaper basket. It indicates a rather flowery hat.

How's that?

How's that? Out!

- Where did you get that patch? - Out of a cracker.

Crackers is the word. And you, Hunchback of Notre Dame.

- I only thought... - This isn't a fancy dress dance.

We have two enemies to deceive - Madame Spolinski and her assistant.

- Who's a half-wit. - A half-wit would smell a rat here.

It's essential that neither of them can give a good description of you.

Now, Dame, you wear an exaggerated hat.

You, Pinkerton, you have a veil and...

yes, a false bosom!

How dare you discuss!

- Am I interrupting anything? - Gertrude, what are you doing here?

The name is Lily, if you remember.

Of course I remember. Don't be impertinent.

Why aren't you having your half day on... off?

- Well, my boyfriend was busy. - That's no excuse for creeping in

while we're... playing charades.

- Go and make us tea. - Yes, all right.

- I say. That was a dicey do. - Quick thinking about the charades.

Let's hope her boyfriend isn't busy next Thursday

otherwise we shall be properly in the fertilizer.

I think they're off.

- They're away. - Was it that young guardsman?

No, new fellow. Shifty-looking customer.

I hope she's not getting into dishonest company.

Right. Where on earth's Pinkerton?

Now we're all here we'll have a final check of equipment.

White handkerchief for signaling? Good show. Key of car?

- Here. - Pennies for telephone?

- Here. - Oh, that reminds me,

if you've any little jobs to do, now's the time.

- I think I'm all right. - Good. Stop fiddling with that...

- It's uncomfortable. - Nonsense. It's a vast improvement.

Proceed to action station via red route. Good hunting.

- Goodbye. - Good luck.

Wish I had more confidence in Pinkerton.

She'll be all right. Polished off a bottle of nerve tonic before lunch.

Egg timer...

Oh, dear. My mind's a blank. I can't remember our false names.

- Relax. - I've forgotten what to collect.

Am I Mrs. Kilweed or the Duchess of Pilverton?

For the umpteenth time, you are Mrs. Kilweed.

You're collecting a wild mink. Mine will be a Kolinski.

We decided I look more like a duchess than you do.

- Oh, it's so confusing. - It's too late now. Watch the shop.

Oh! Over there. Get on!

Bongo.

Gertrude, ten minutes you have been arranging this coat

und that is all you have achieved?

A 500-guinea ocelot? Looks like a sloppy Joe.

Oh, und this telephone. Always when one wants to go to lunch.

And don't scrumple the coat up. The lining will get squinched.

- Hello? - Hello?

Sergeant Major Ockers here, of the bomb disposal squad.

- Is that Madame Splisonchi? - Madame Spolinski!

We've found an unexploded bomb under your domicile.

Mein Gott. 16 years the war has been over

und just under my house, they must find a bomp.

How did it get there, this bomp?

We don't know how it got there. We just get rid of 'em.

- We don't put 'em there. - 'I shall be with you immediately.'

Gertrude, get my coat und hat.

Hello? I shall be with you in 20 minutes. Mein Gott!

Taxi! Taxi!

Hello. Come here. No! Stop there.

I come to you. Montague House, Montague Way.

Red Group to HQ. Bongo.

Fox out of cover. Four-ten.

Ten-four, not four-ten! However, good show. Bongo and out.

Everything going to plan. Phase Three coming up. Over to you.

Hello, Gertrude. Here is Madame Spolinski...

Spolinski...

- Number's engaged. - Blast!

If Pinkerton goes in before you phone, we're sunk.

No, the old cow's out.

Oh, something about a bomb in her cellar.

I hope it don't go off till she gets there.

Oh, Al!

Customer. Must go. Bye-bye!

- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

I'm the Duchess of Pilverton. I've called to collect my Spolinski coat.

- Spolinski? - Kolinski. So sorry.

The name's so confusing. The Kolinski I'm to take away.

- You know. - No, I don't.

- And Madame isn't here. - I know that. Er... I mean, really?

But she telephoned, didn't she? To say I could take it?

- No. - Oh, but she must have. I...

I saw you answer it. I mean, the Major...

But it's all arranged. I mean, I...

Excuse me.

Hello?

'Here is Madame Spolinski.

- 'Are you with me, Gertrude? ' - Oh, yes.

In my rushing, I am forgetting two things.

Are coming to the shop two very important clients.

'One, the Duchess from Pilverton und the other Mrs. Kilweed.'

One for the Kolinski und the other for the wild mink.

They may want to take the stuff away. Just get receipts.

I've got it. One of them's here now.

It's all right. That was Madame.

Oh... Thank goodness.

This'll be it. It's our only Kolinski.

No need to wrap it up. I'll eat it here...

Er, take it here... away...

- Just sign a receipt. - Yes, of course.

Oh, sorry.

- Good afternoon. - Good afternoon.

- Where is Madame Spolinski? - She had to go out.

Oh, how tiresome. Well, doubtless she left a message for me.

I am the Duchess of Pilverton

and I've come to collect my Kolinski coat.

What?!

Why do you say "what", girl? Didn't I make myself clear?

But... she's just been in and took it.

Oh, the fool!

Oh... how foolish of me!

Well, I shall forget my own name next.

In fact, I did.

It was meeting the Duchess in the doorway.

We're old school friends.

I am Mrs. Kilweed. And I have come to collect my wild mink.

- Oh... - Ooh, I think this must be it.

Ooh, yes, undoubtedly this is it.

Now, don't trouble to do it up. I shall wear it away. Yes...

Doubtless you'd like a receipt. One can't be too careful these days.

Yes. Thank you, m'lady... madam. I can't...

I don't understand...

What?

You said that was the Duchess of Pilverton.

Yes.

Well, she's signed herself in your name - Kilweed.

Really? She's the most dreadful practical joker.

Just wait till I get hold of her.

She knew I was coming in, of course.

I'll sign as the Duchess of Pilverton then your records will be straight.

- But that's... - Don't worry.

If Madame Spolinski blows you up, I'll explain.

Well, I don't know.

Pinkerton's overdue. Three minutes overdue.

- Traffic. - No, we allowed for that.

She must have stopped for the usual reasons.

She ought to see a doctor.

There she is. Dame Bea!

Where is she? I'm going to strangle her!

- She's not back. - What happened?

- It's a miracle we're not in jail! - Well, she is for a cert.

Tra-la! The return of the warrior.

- What happened to you? - The taxi got stuck in traffic,

so I slipped out without the driver seeing me.

I left the fare on the seat.

Never mind the fare. Where's the fur?

I left that on the seat, too!

Oh!

This is very civil of you, Dame Bea.

- Well, here's to crime. - Good luck, Major.

You'll have to forgive her or none of us will get a wink of sleep.

- Hear that caterwauling? - Poor old trout.

Tell her to report to me immediately.

- Must I put it quite like that? - Put it any way you like.

Major wants you to report.

Not to worry.

I warned you she'd mess things up.

Poor Pinkie. She's so fond of you. Sees you as a sort of Robin Hood.

As long as she doesn't see herself as Maid Marian.

She's coming.

Pillow's sopping.

Well, Pinkerton, you put up a stinking show this afternoon.

- Absolutely stinking. - Major...

However, it was my fault for allowing you to do it at all,

so have a glass of fizz and cheer up, eh?

Oh, thank you. So kind.

I just want to say, I'm dreadfully sorry. I seemed to forget everything.

There's no excuse to forget anything.

Hear, hear.

Major, I'm sure you've thought of it.

You can't sell a fur anywhere.

Criminals have their means, but where did you plan to sell it?

I, er... Well, I...

You forgot that, didn't you, Major?

I didn't forget. I didn't think about it.

Don't criminals have a thing called a hedge or something?

- Oh, you mean a fence? - That's it. A fence.

We'd better find one sharpish.

- Good night. - Good night.

Lily!

Clearing act!

Bea!

Here, take this.

...and there on the window sill, the sweetest pair of Jenny wrens.

Cheep, cheep!

- Ah, Lily. - Do you want anything before I go?

No. No, thank you. Had a nice day?

Yes, thank you.

- Well, good night, all. - Good night.

Go on about those vultures on your window sill...

That girl's becoming a ruddy menace.

Wait! Lily. She can help. She's been inside.

I've had an idea. I want to speak to Lily alone, so off you go.

- Dame Bea, I may need your pearls. - Why?

Never mind. Miss Parry, tell Lily to come in here and see me.

- Do you want me? - Come in, Lily.

Close the door.

- Glass of champagne? - Hmm? No, thank you.

What's going on? Where is everybody?

Look, never mind the others.

- Lily, I wanted to get you alone. - Hmm?

- Lily... I have a surprise for you. - Look, Major, please...

Don't... don't rush me. You...

Lily, I want to take you into my confidence.

I've heard that one before!

- Tell me, aren't you cold? - Hmm?

I'm writing a book.

- You are? - Yes. I Was A Teenage Delinquent.

- Oh, you weren't! - No, of course not.

It's purely fictional, but I was wondering if you could help me.

Suppose someone stole something and wanted to sell it.

- A fence? - That's it. Yes.

- How would you go about that? - I wasn't a professional crook.

- No, of course you weren't. - But there was a place by the docks.

A caf� where the boys made contact with fences.

- Do you remember what it was called? - Shanghai Harry's.

Shanghai... Thank you, Lily. If there's anything I can do for you...

Well, you could let me have my hand back.

Your?

- Oh, so sorry. - Thank you.

Shanghai Harry...

- Yes? - Coffee. Black.

Got a light, guv?

- Interested? - What in?

- Fencing. - What? Swords and suchlike?

That was quick thinking. I didn't see him coming. Congratas.

I'm interested in a fence.

- Buying or selling? - Selling, naturally.

- Well? - You're wasting your time, mate.

Nobody round here's got a garden.

Got a?! No, not that...

Silly clot!

S'pass ze sorcery soz.

Do you speak English?

He said, "Would you pass the Worcester sauce?"

Would I?

- Thank you. - Taken?

No.

Oh! Take your hands off them!

- Here you are! - Wait a minute!

- Here you are, sir. - I got another one.

Here's a couple.

I got... I got...

- Are you in the Salvation Army? - Yes.

Well, where's your ruddy bonnet?

Shh! Quiet!

Help! Burglary!

- What on earth? - I didn't do anything.

Honest, I won't hurt you.

- There's a man under my bed! - A man under your bed?

Got you! Somebody get my revolver! Bedside table drawer!

- What do you think you're doing? - No violence intended, sir.

Nothing like that. I'm a pre-war burglar, I am.

I would never have touched the lady.

I can well believe that.

Oh! Steady on. It's loaded!

Oh, out the way, then. Put your hands up!

One false move and I'll fill you full of lead,

- spread you all over the room! - Careful. It might go off.

- Phone the police. - Hold it. Lily, back to your room.

- Now, then, rat... - Please give me another chance.

We'll give you chance... on one condition.

Anything, ma'am. Anything.

We want the address of a nice, honest fence.

I hope that bearded wonder didn't let us down.

Would a fence live in a respectable place like this?

- We can but try. Give me the box. - Don't rush your fences.

- Will you be long, sir? - About six months.

Er... six minutes. I'm sorry. We shan't be long.

Good morning.

I brought some stamps to be valued.

A lady to see you about some stamps... Yes...

No, somewhat unusual type... Right.

Would you go in, please?

Good morn...

- Good grief! Aunt Bea! - Freddie!

Freddie Warrington! I didn't expect to find you here.

What did you expect to find, Aunt Bea?

Well, I heard there was a stamp dealer here.

- I was selling my collection... - Pretty bulky one. May I?

I've changed my mind.

Well, this is a nice surprise. Give my kind regards to your dear father.

- He's well, I hope. - He's flourishing, thanks.

The door's locked. A precautionary measure.

- Is that customary in stamp dealing? - "Stamps" is the password this week.

- How did you get it, Aunt Bea? - Don't you "Aunt Bea" me.

A boy I dangled on my knee a common fence!

The son of one of my oldest, closest...

Yes, I often wondered about you and Dad.

- I shall write to him about it. - Hardly wise in the circumstances.

What have you been up to, you naughty old dame.

Open this door at once!

Well, well!

Congratulations. Very nice, too.

I see I shall have to tell you everything.

Yes. Yes, you must.

Tell me everything. Take your time.

Well, a friend of mine has gambling debts.

She's terrified lest her husband should find out.

This coat was smuggled in from Italy, so it's difficult to sell...

- I don't believe it. - It sounds incredible...

What have you got there?

"Confidence tricksters hoax furrier."

That has nothing to do with me.

Come off it. I recognize the fur from the description.

Since I'm in this embarrassing situation, perhaps we should proceed.

- How much? - 500.

Ridiculous! That coat's selling for 3,500.

- I shall go elsewhere. - Want some addresses?

I'll lay ten to one no one offers you more than four.

Don't you make special terms for regulars?

- You mean? - I'll keep my donations to charity

by hook or by crook.

- All right, a ten per cent bonus. - Done.

One, two, three, four,

five hundred... and fifty nicker.

One, two, three, four,

five hundred and fifty knickers...

Ahem, pounds, Matron, and I hope it's only the start.

Dame Beatrice, I don't know what to say. This is manna from heaven.

- Oh, please don't say that. - Children, our orphanage is saved

through the kindness and generosity of Dame Beatrice Appleby

and her little band of angels.

Cynthia?

Oh, thank you.

Thank you, darling.

Now... hip-hip hooray!

Hip-hip hooray!

Hip-hip hooray!

Hip-hip hooray!

Now, then, children. All together.

- Makes it worthwhile, doesn't it? - Yes.

But no resting on our laurels, Major. These aren't the only ones.

'Calling all cars in Area B. Calling all cars in Area B.'

The Apex Cold Storage Depot has just been raided.

The thieves took many valuable furs.

Repeat. The Apex Cold Storage Depot.

Trust Pinkerton to trap us in a deep freeze.

She couldn't help letting the door slam.

She won't thaw. I'm frightened of her cracking.

Oh, bung her in front of the fire.

Righty-ho.

Three hours of frozen misery because of that abominable snow-woman.

Yes, and we'd have still been there

if I hadn't squeezed through the air duct.

This is a ranch mink, madam.

Oh, that is beautiful, and so warm for this cold country.

- It's rather expensive, of course. - The price does not influence me.

My husband is rolling in rupees.

Bongo.

- Can I help you, madam? - Oh, no, thank you.

Just looking round for the moment.

This is a pastel mink, madam. We've reduced it in price.

Oh, it's lovely. Bongo.

- It is a lovely fur. - Yes, I'll say it is. Bongo!

Fire!

Fire!

- Ooh, a fire. - Oh!

Better call the fire brigade.

We must save all these lovely furs.

Officer, take these. I'll get some more.

Right.

Bongo, get cracking.

Hey, Sergeant! You trying to commit suicide?

Sorry, old boy. Didn't see.

- Wait! - Me?

- Yes. What division are you from? - The third. I mean C.

They went that way.

Something funny there. After him!

Oi! Keep a look out for a chap around here dressed like a sergeant.

- Dame! What on earth are you? - What are you doing here?

My boyfriend can't meet me till late.

You should change to somebody more reliable.

- Shh! Be quiet. - It's you!

Of course it's me.

- Oh, Lily... - Pinkerton! What on earth?

It's all right, really... Really.

Another dicey do.

All clear.

Right.

As chairman, I should like to open this first quarterly meeting

by paying tribute to your loyal services.

There have been mistakes...

but we've had jolly good hunting and knocked them for six.

Hear, hear.

However, one aspect of our activities has been neglected - the use of SA.

- Sex appeal? - Certainly not.

Spontaneous action. Targets of fleeting opportunity.

Oh, you mean we can steal a spur on the fur of the moment.

Yes, but we have to be very careful, especially you, Pinkerton.

- Right. Any complaints? - Yes, please.

I don't want to do any more trailing after dark in Piccadilly.

- Why not? - I've had unpleasant experiences.

Funny. I never have.

Well, Nan can take night duties.

- Oh, thank you. - Anything else? No?

Oh, Dame Bea, can you put these two furs in your bedroom?

The ottoman's absolutely chock-a.

- Lily... with a man! - Curse that girl!

Action stations, at the double! Put them behind there.

Bongo. Subterfuge commence.

Don't try that vulture lark.

Come in.

...and there in the grass was a teeny little crocus peeping up at me.

I'm sorry to keep popping in like this but I've got some news for you.

Yes, Lily? Good evening.

This is Jim Benham and, er... we're gonna get married.

Oh... this is a nice surprise.

- Congratas. Good show. - You lucky girl.

And what do you do?

- I'm a policeman. - And he knows about everything.

- What's that? - My past. Don't look so worried.

Oh. I think I must sit down. I feel a little faint.

I'd like a little brandy, please, Major.

Oh, so would I. We'll all have one. Make yourself comfortable.

- Put your coat down here. - Thank you, sir.

Hello, hello.

What's this on the floor?

That's no way to treat nice coats like these.

I always seem to be picking up your furs.

Yes. Thank you. They must have slipped down.

- Have a drink, old man. - No, thank you. Jim doesn't drink.

- I'll give you a cup of tea. - Aye...

Now, if you go on ahead, I'll join you later.

Yeah, well, er... righto.

Good night, everyone and, er... good night.

- So, that's it. - That's what, Lily?

You're this mad old gang who's been stealing furs all over London?

We work for charity. We're not real criminals.

You're telling me. You're blooming amateurs.

Amateurs?! What?

It's a wonder you're not all inside.

Look, I've known experts who've studied it all.

Fingerprints, dogs, burglar alarms, keys, locks, telephones,

habits, hobbies, holidays,

who's sleeping where... and even they get caught.

- What chance have you got? - Oh, she's right!

Look, please. Stop it now for the love of Mike.

Yes, we will. We will.

Yes, we will. Especially now you've found out.

We don't want you mixed up in this.

All right. Now you'd better get rid of all these furs, pronto.

"I Was A Teenage Delinquent"!

Thank you.

Well, you do all look down in the dumps today.

Do we, Lily?

You enjoyed the thrill of it all, didn't you, you old devils?

The fact that we have pasts now, like you, Lily,

doesn't permit you to call us old devils.

Afraid your past is gonna catch up with you?

Yes, hello?

Who's calling?

Just one moment, please.

All right, you can relax. It's a Mr. Callwell.

Hello? Dame Beatrice speaking.

We've been badly let down

over the promise of some funds, and I wondered if...

Oh, dear. I just decided to cease operations...

...to retire from charitable work.

- 'Hello? Are you there? - Yes. I'm still here.

Well, I'll ring you back in about half an hour.

A most moving appeal from the underprivileged children's home.

We gave our word to Lily that we...

I know, but can we in all conscience neglect our moral obligations?

I suggest that we all take an immediate vote

as to whether we shall make one last effort.

- Well spoken, Dame Bea. - Hear, hear.

Then will you all signify your approval in the usual way?

Dame Bea?

Dame Bea?

Dame Bea, where are you?

- Dame Bea? I've got it. - What?

Our next operation. An invitation to a shady gambling party.

You know, �1,000 on the turn of card.

Dozens of fur coats or I'll eat my hat.

- Oh, sorry. - I think you've got something.

Major, what do you think?

You've been accosted again.

- I've done a spontaneous action. - You've? Oh, yes?

I went into the Pink Parakeet for an egg flip

and there on the chair beside me was this cape.

Mole.

I know it isn't mink, but it was my first solo effort.

- And a ruddy waste of time. - But very brave, Pinkie.

Congratulations. Ah, hello, Nan.

- How's your Aunt Letty? - Got boils. Miserable day.

- Had my fur cape stolen. - I didn't know you had one.

I hadn't. Aunt Letty gave me hers.

Oh, rotten luck. Where did you lose it?

Of all places, the Pink Parakeet.

- Is this it? - Yes! What the blazes?

She stole it.

Oh, well... Cheer up. No harm done.

You must have been pretty quick. I only left the table for a minute.

Makes me feel such a Jackins.

Never mind that. I've got a plan. Nan, lock the door.

The bank is standing at �250.

- Who will say banco? - Banco.

Is this where they have the illegal gambling?

Yes, madam. Would you care to leave your wrap in there?

Right, the bank is standing at �500.

- Who says banco? - Banco.

What exactly does banco mean?

Anyone who says banco is betting to win all that's in the bank.

Hello, darling. Have we met?

I don't think so. This is my first visit.

How lovely to see you, darling.

- There's still a place. - No, I'll just watch, thank you.

Might I use the telephone in the bedroom?

I'm afraid the extension's out of order,

- but you can use the one over there. - Oh, yes. Thank you.

The bank is now standing at �1,000.

Who says banco?

Who says avec le table?

- Hello? - Hello.

Snake to HQ.

Five good fish.

- Ten-four. - Roger.

Stand by to synchronize watches...

Blast!

When I say bongo, it will be 2345.

The bank now stands at �1,900. Who says banco?

- Bongo. - Bongo.

The lady with the blue feather says banco.

You, madam.

- Voil, Madame, les cartes. - Oh, no. Thank you.

- No, I don't quite... - Take 'em.

Turn 'em over. Nine. Can't be beat!

Neuf.

Contre le sept.

- For me? - Take the lolly. Take it.

- You said banco, didn't you? - Oh, no! I didn't, I...

- How much is there there? - 1,900, Madame.

- Pounds? - Yes, Madame.

�1,900. Yes, well, then we needn't...

I mean, it's more than...

Thank you so much.

This is a police raid! Take me to the gambling room!

- There must be some mistake. - We'll see. Stay on duty here.

Come on, man. Jump to it.

I say. Lovely grub.

Do you want the money or a cheque?

This is a raid. Stay where you are!

Inspector, this is a private party for my friends.

We'll see. The building is surrounded, so don't try to escape.

Er, Inspector, might I have a word with you?

Not now! Later... madam.

Terribly sorry, folks. The game's a wash-out.

- No wins. No losses. - But what about this?

- Sorry. House rules. - You deserve everything you get.

Best haul yet. Shall we go?

What's that?

- More customers. - What?!

Don't panic. I'll bung 'em in with the rest.

What the devil?! Where did you come from?

- I, er... - Save it. Wait here. Come on.

It's a real raid. What spanking bad luck!

- Look in the kitchen. I smell gas. - My orders are to stay here, sir.

That's right. Always obey orders.

Oh, well... Emergency action!

General retreat! OC returning to base!

Every man for himself! Out!

- Are you all right, sir? - I think I'll get some fresh air.

"Every man for himself"!

Turn out your pockets and handbags and give your names and addresses,

then you will be formally charged.

- We'll be detained in jail? - No, madam.

After the charges have been made, you may go.

- Where's that inspector? - He just went out, sir.

- Behaving very strange, too. - I ordered him to...

I can't...

- Hey, where did you spring from? - Er... Up the fire escape.

Caught her trying to jump out of the window. Hysterical type. Come on.

"It was I who led these foolish women

"into the paths of crime.

"It is I alone who should be punished,

"and I now take the law

"Into my own hands for the last time.

"Albert Rayne, Major...

"deceased."

Oh, no.

Who goes there?

You?! You...

- You escaped? - Yes. No thanks to you.

No, you abandoned us. Left us to our fate.

Shame on you. I said shame.

And you even got away with three!

- I say, good show. - Don't suck up to us!

You're yellow, a coward and a deserter!

Come along, Pinkie. I think we deserve a drink.

Well, what else could I do?

It's army orders. When all is lost, an OC saves himself.

Honestly. It's not like the Navy.

Poor beast.

Bet he never got nearer a battle than the bottom of a bath.

Nan, look.

Nan! Pinkie! You're safe.

- Must stop him shooting himself. - Yes... What?!

Major!

Major!

- Yes? - Oh, thank heavens!

Oh, sorry and all that. I read your note.

Would you care to join us for a celebration drink?

Oh, that's kind of you.

Well, we're all safe, though it was a narrow squeak.

Much narrower than you think. Who took the cartridges out of this?

I did. All five of them.

Five? There ought to be six.

Silly clot!

You've been at it again.

- Lily, we, er... - I don't want to hear any excuses.

I'll leave in the morning. That's final.

None of the papers connect it with us.

- Not yet. - Let's keep our fingers crossed.

- That was our last coup, wasn't it? - Better be.

- I've come to say goodbye. - Oh, Lily.

I'm not going to answer it. I've left.

Well, come on, Pinkerton. Answer the telephone.

- Hello? - 'Detective Inspector Pape... '

What is it? What's the matter?

P-P-Police.

Dame Beatrice speaking. What do you want?

'There's been a complaint about a lost fur.'

Fur? What fur? I made no complaint.

'I'll be round in five minutes. Thank you.'

He's coming here! He knows!

Oh, I think you'd better go, Lily.

We don't want you involved in this.

I suppose the only course is to make a clean breast of it.

Yes... Yes... I shall plead guilty but insane.

It's far better that one of us takes the blame and it should be me.

It's no good. I can't leave you in the lurch.

It's like leaving a lot of drowning kids.

- Now, Lily, I will not... - I'll help, but on one condition.

A solemn promise not to touch so much as one mink tail again.

- Yes, yes! I swear, I swear! - Cross my heart.

You have my word as an officer and a gentleman.

All right. But how can you help?

Look, you don't know how much they know,

so pretend to be old or dumb or stupid -

that shouldn't be very difficult - but don't blab.

- What about the furs? - What furs?

These three from last night.

Oh, my!

It's a police car with a bubble on top!

Give me the furs. I'll try and hide them while you talk to them.

Wait. I don't see why you should stick your neck out.

Don't you?

Good morning. Dame Beatrice is expecting me. Inspector Pape.

Oh, yes, sir. Would you like to come in?

If you'd care to come this way.

- Inspector Pape and, um... - Good morning.

Dame Beatrice?

There, sir.

All right, Benham. Leave this to me.

CAREFUL! My old war wound.

- What did you say? - Nearly hit my bad leg.

Ooh, bad egg?

Ooh, how terrible. Looks quite nice.

- Dame Beatrice, the police... - Fore!

Out of the way, old boy.

Oh!

- Our investigations have led us... - Oh, I... I say!

Are you one of the Shropshire Papes?

No, sir. I'm from Scotland Yard.

Ooh, you don't look Scottish at all.

I once knew a dustman in Paddington called Pape. Any relation?

- How do you spell the name? - P-A...

- The police... - You'll have to speak up.

The old girl's as deaf as a post.

- I have come to see you because... - Oh, how very, very kind of you.

Yes, we don't have many visitors.

This is not a social call.

Ah, it's him!

- It's that man! Take him away! - It's all right. He won't hurt you.

- He's the brute who attacked me! - Madam, I assure you...

What's Pinkie laughing at? It must be a splendid joke.

He came up behind me and pounced.

I have never pounced on anyone, except in the course of duty.

Do you call that duty? What regiment were you in?

I am in the police. I have always been in the police.

What? Even during the war?

- Benham, tell them who I am. - See? He tried to strike me.

Oh, for heaven's sake! Please!

I've done everything you asked, Dame. Is there anything else?

Just a moment, please. I'm having great trouble here.

You seem to be a sensible girl,

- perhaps you can help me. - Me?

There have been several unusual fur robberies lately. Probably one gang.

This address came up in connection with a missing fur...

Oh!

Oh, he knows!

- Would you be the lady concerned? - Oh, I can't go on! I did my best!

I'm only fit for mending cracked china!

Cracked china?

I can't bear this cat and mouse any longer! Tell him the truth!

All right. Inspector, I am the one to be charged.

- No, I am. - We're all to blame.

- That's torn it. - One at a time, please.

Just answer my questions.

Who reported a theft at the Pink Parakeet yesterday?

A mole wrap lined with coffee crepe?

Oh, that was me.

But it wasn't stolen. Actually, Miss Pinkerton found it.

Suppose I ought to have told you, really.

It would have helped, yes.

- But is that what you've come about? - I've been trying to say so.

Well, why the? Why didn't you say it?

- Good morning. - Thank goodness.

We were afraid you thought we were fur thieves.

Fur thieves. The police aren't quite so stupid, you know?

No, I'm sure. I mean, yes...

Oh, well, er... good morning.

- Come on, Benham. - Excuse me, sir.

Could I have a private word with Dame Beatrice?

You're welcome... and the best of luck.

Thank you.

Er, Dame Beatrice, on the quiet, I've heard about what you do from Lily.

- Oh, dear. - For charity.

The police orphanage is in low water for funds at the moment,

- and with Christmas coming... - Leave it to me, dear boy.

- Well, we'll all be very grateful. - Don't you worry. Goodbye.

Goodbye and thanks.

Well, we can't let an appeal like that go unanswered.

But Dame Beatrice...

We gave our solemn pledge we wouldn't touch another fur.

Yes, but Major, there are other things besides furs.

Takes your breath away, doesn't it?

No, not mine, it doesn't.

I'd rather have this than all those Crown Jewels put together.

Oh, Jim, I'm so happy. Shall I tell you something?

I'm never gonna laugh at fairy stories again.

They really do come true.

What's the matter?

I could have sworn that...

It couldn't be. Let's go and have some tea.

Good show!

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