Original subtitles

♪♪

[ Fire crackles ]

Steve: We're gathered here today to release you to the universe,

to never come back in our lives again.

Channel that pain.

Channel that intensity.

Please bring out the corpse.

♪♪

I've been a lot of things in my life.

I've been a bank robber and a prisoner,

but being a shaman is my calling.

Ayahuasca is a Schedule 1 narcotic,

the same as heroin and LSD, but it's not a drug.

It's medicine, and in my church, it's a sacrament.

We can do in two days

what conventional therapy may take years to do,

but only if you are willing to step into the pain.

♪♪

Brewing ayahuasca is art.

[ Door squeaks ]

There's a lot of things that you got to know,

putting this brew together.

[ Clock ticking ]

♪♪

Ayahuasca is a portal to the divine.

[ Whirring ]

That's what DMT is. That's what's in ayahuasca.

There's other spirits and synergies

that go within our ayahuasca,

but the main kickoff point is DMT.

DMT is a Schedule 1 narcotic,

and it is the most powerful psychedelic known to man.

The effects are similar to LSD

in the fact that it is a hallucinogen.

It makes shadows stand out. Buildings appear to weave.

It amplifies your surroundings.

We have four components to our brew.

This is the acacia.

This acacia is harvested in an incredibly ethical way

on a farm in Hawaii.

This one here is the B. caapi vine.

A lot of the components of ayahuasca comes from this vine.

I love using Syrian rue, as well.

It's been used for thousands of years in ancient ceremonies

dating all the way back to Persia.

[ Grinder whirs ]

Then there is other things that I cannot reveal to you.

That's a shaman's secret.

Because a lot of people would try to make the brew,

and what they don't understand is that

if you don't brew it right, the tea can become toxic,

and the next thing you know, people are dead.

And we want to let it sit there,

and we want to let it slow‐cook for 24 hours.

And then after that, we will let it chill for 24 hours.

And then after that, we're gonna cook it again.

And then we'll let it set again, and this process will repeat ‐‐

be repeated over and over until the brew is perfectly correct.

It's been described to me as earthy, rooty, woody.

It's been described to me as pig shit.

Oh, wow. That's gross. [ Laughter ]

Steve: I call it my muddy water.

Whoa!

Steve: That's where Mother lives, in my muddy water.

I only bring in loving intentions into this room

to intermingle with Mother Aya as we're working our brew.

And I also bring in the intent

of the people I'm brewing this brew for

if I have some information about them

or know what they're coming for, like PTSD or child sexual abuse.

♪♪

One of the key components

I try to infuse into the brew is a forgiveness,

and Mother Aya brings that to the table wholeheartedly.

♪♪

[ Vehicles passing ]

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

Taylor: I had a lot of bad things happen to me in childhood.

Somebody close to me in my family, uh,

caused me a lot of harm when I was little,

and I didn't start remembering until I was in my early 20s.

[ Door closes ]

♪♪

I forgot a lot of things

because it was about my survival.

Once I started remembering parts of my childhood abuse,

my whole world fell apart.

♪♪

[ Keys jingle ]

I'm still harboring a lot of anger and rage,

probably ultimately a lot of sadness, too.

[ Trunk slams ]

It's my intention to try to deal with these things

using ayahuasca.

♪♪

Jules: When I was young,

I knew I didn't really fit in with the boys,

but the girls weren't really welcoming toward me either.

Since I was a kid, I've been trying to figure out

my whole gender identity.

♪♪

I have definitely had a lot of depression and anxiety

caused by having to push my emotions down

and learning a lot of unhealthy coping mechanisms.

It's weird wanting to be transgender

but not really thinking of yourself as transgender.

[ Laughs ] 'Cause, uh, no one really wants to be transgender.

I think my number‐one priority coming to Aya Quest

is to address my depression, anxiety head‐on

and, uh, come out of here stronger and, uh, more prepared.

‐Hello. ‐Hello, everyone.

‐How are you? ‐I'm well.

‐Good. ‐I'm Jules.

Teri: All right. If you all would like to grab your waters,

then we will proceed downstairs.

You all can come on in and find your beds.

We can go ahead and get those made, let you all get situated,

changed into some comfy clothes.

For this ceremony, we have Taylor,

we have Jules, and we have Emily.

I cannot remember a time that I was not sad.

I'm diagnosed with bipolar disorder,

and I don't know who I am without depression.

It crosses my mind how much easier that it would be

if I wasn't here.

I know that ayahuasca's pretty intense,

but I came here prepared to face what I need to face.

And I'm here, and I'm ready to do it.

Steve: I want to thank each and every one of you

for the trust you have shown us.

We know this is not an easy thing.

I remember when I poured my first cup

and it was sitting in front of me,

and I was wondering how well I knew the guy

who had sent it to me all the way from Peru.

So I understand the courage it takes

to lay yourself on the altar of self‐discovery.

We're not here to throw you off a cliff.

We're here to let you get some confidence within the medicine

so you can go really deep tomorrow night.

Now, during this evening,

your journey's gonna come in waves, like this.

Sometimes it's gonna be down here,

and you're gonna say, "Whew, it's over."

No, it ain't over, but that's when most people go,

"Can I have some more?"

And we're gonna give you some more,

but it ain't a drinking game.

‐No. ‐It ain't nothing like that.

I've seen a 78‐year‐old lady drink more than a 200‐pound man.

You know, it just depends on what you need

and how the medicine works with your system.

Jules: I'm mostly afraid that I'll hold on to things

and not let go and just experience

what ayahuasca has to offer.

Taylor: I fear not being able to take care of myself during ceremony,

'cause it's a very vulnerable state to be in.

And I'm gonna do a shot with you

just to let you know there's nothing in this

that I don't put in my body on a weekly basis.

♪♪

You coming and holding that cup,

and the butterflies that hit your stomach

because you know when you tip that cup back ‐‐

One, it's not gonna be pleasant.

Two, you're along for the ride from that moment on.

This is part of the sacrifice. The only answer is to submit.

♪♪

Ayahuasca's a hallucinogenic tea

made with plants from the Amazon,

and it is the strongest psychedelic known to man.

But this isn't like LSD.

Ayahuasca is a portal to your inner self,

your subconscious, and through that portal,

you're gonna meet a goddess we call Mother Aya.

When your journey first takes off,

you may feel euphoria until ‐‐

Boom!

The spike hits, and the purge begins.

You may laugh, you may cry,

and you may do both at the same time.

You may puke or shit, but each of those purges

are a physical manifestation of an emotional release.

That's when you truly find healing.

♪♪

Jules: I feel like I've micro‐dosed LSD,

'cause I've done that specifically.

Teri: Once you get into it, it's nothing like acid.

You can't maintain, and you can't control.

Oh, okay. Yeah.

The best you can do is just accept and allow

and flow along.

Jules is the first transgender person that, um,

we have worked with.

I am genuinely excited

to see what Mother Aya has to offer her.

My hat's off to people to who are transgender.

It's not ever easy being yourself,

but when you feel like you're trapped

in a body that's not yours,

and to come out and say, you know,

"Look, this is not who I am"...

But they're brave.

Definitely feel a little... a little something.

Okay. It's probably just now start working through you

'cause you're about getting close to an hour in

from your first cup.

[ Burps ]

'Cause I'm even feeling that little cup I did,

so I know it's working through.

I don't know how to describe it, but the room feels less square.

I feel you. Right.

‐I got you. ‐Like, close to the healing...

‐The space is shifting. ‐Yes.

♪♪

Jules: I started to transition just over five years ago.

Medically, I started hormones two years ago.

My mom has strong convictions about her religious beliefs.

I think my transition was very hard on her, emotionally.

She's never really gotten past that.

It's hard. I respect my mom a lot.

Um... She's sort of my hero.

I want to tell my mother that I miss our old relationship,

and, uh...I miss, you know, being a part of her life,

and her being a part of mine.

♪♪

But, uh...

♪♪

[ Exhales ] I don't know how to, uh, explain to someone that ‐‐

who believes you're, like, possessed by a demon ‐‐

that, um... that I'm still just me.

I'm just not a son. I'm a daughter.

♪♪

Taylor: I started remembering a lot of things from my childhood.

I was terrified.

♪♪

♪♪ ♪♪

♪♪

Steve: I'm not a doctor. I'm not a therapist.

I'm a shaman.

I'm part of that mortar between the bricks.

I'm the person who's gonna sit here and try to set you up

so Mother Aya can do her best for you.

Teri: How you doing, baby?

‐I'm all right. ‐Cool.

Emily: I'm liking just laying here like this.

Teri: That's the best thing to do.

The more you can just relax... ‐Yeah.

Teri: ...and make your mind, like, this vast sea of nothingness,

the easier it will be for everything... ‐Yeah.

...to just kind of work its way in

and just kind of suck you down the rabbit hole,

so to speak.

Emily: Once I drank the first cup, within about 30‐ish minutes,

I just felt, like, my muscles and my body relax.

My first boyfriend when I was 13 years old, multiple times,

the sex that we had was unconsensual.

[ Voice breaking ] I felt dirty.

And after he did all of that, he told me, you know,

that nobody would ever want me again because I was dirty.

And [Sniffles] I still feel that way,

and those feelings have lingered, um, for years,

and that's something that I still really

haven't been able to deal with.

[ Sniffles ]

[ Sighs ] That's what I came here for, though.

♪♪

Ayahuasca is a sacred plant. It's a sacred journey inward.

It's like someone is there with you,

helping you endure hardness, endure struggles,

and it doesn't matter how bad they are.

She will come and give you a hand

or show you how to get out of the place that you are.

♪♪

Has Taylor taken any more since he had purged, or no?

‐What's that? ‐I might have another cup

in a little while. ‐Good deal.

I just didn't want you left out over there.

[ Sighs ]

Steve: Taylor, the first night, was resistant.

He wanted to do his own thing.

You could tell the walls were still up.

The fortress was still locked down.

But this is what I also knew ‐‐ his house of sand was crumbling.

The water was melting it, and the foundation was being

washed away in the river of ayahuasca.

Taylor: I just kind of slowly became more aware of my body

and how it was heating up.

And then I started seeing things immediately.

There was a woman.

We were just, like, walking into this stairwell

of psychedelic madness,

and I started remembering a lot of things from my childhood

that I guess were in some fissure inside me, and...

I was terrified. [ Water dripping ]

And I think it got too overwhelming for me.

I passed out and just slipped into some kind of void.

♪♪

Teri: We're gonna take you with us.

When we work with people, we use all kinds of different means.

Sometimes it's just, you know,

as simple as setting down and talking to them.

I can relate to a lot of these people

'cause I've been through a lot of shit in my life.

You all right, sweetie?

How are you gonna understand

or tell somebody things that might help them

if you've never been through it?

It's like trying to explain to a man

exactly what it's like to give birth.

[ Rain splashing ]

♪♪

Steve: On a scale of 1 to 10, how much pain are you in?

It depends on the day, but, I mean, there's not a day

that goes by that I'm not sad.

I ‐‐ I don't really even know my personality

without my depression, and... [ Sniffles ]

[ Voice breaking ] It's scary to not know who you are.

Steve: I understand.

I understand, and I appreciate your bravery for sharing this.

But understand, by touching these things

while Mother Aya is just now starting to work through you,

it's gonna allow her to go to the core of these issues.

The first person that I ever dated,

the first sexual encounter...

Well, there was many that weren't consensual,

and that still bothers me.

‐How old were you? ‐13.

How long did you stay with this person?

Till I was, like, 14 1/2,

which kind of makes it conflicting for me.

[ Voice breaking ] Doesn't make sense to me that I did that, but, you know...

Steve: I understand. I understand.

Emily: I just view sex differently.

I just don't view it as love at all.

And that's gonna create for you

a very shallow life at the end of the day,

and I think you kind of know that,

and you kind of want something deeper in a relationship.

Give yourself the gift of not

placing things that have happened to you

onto your relationships

and forgive yourself because you were a child.

If a 13‐year‐old little girl looked at you right now

and said, "Emily, me and my boyfriend,

you know, we were kind of messing around,

and things got a little further than I wanted.

I said no, but he did it anyway."

Are you gonna look at her and go, "Feel guilty"?

That's what you're doing to yourself. [ Sniffles ]

That's what you're doing to yourself.

You're holding yourself responsible.

[ Whispering ] Sorry.

Teri: You're fine, sweetie. Don't be sorry.

Sometimes we think we've cried all we can over things,

and then we find out that there's a lot more behind it.

And that's okay 'cause that's how we let go of it.

[ Sniffling ] I've just cried so much over my life

[ Laughing ] I don't even know how there's tears left in my eyes.

And I can completely understand.

[ Sniffling ]

Steve: At that "aha" moment,

that's where Teri hit the nail right on the head,

and she did it in such a way that it made her think.

It made her feel.

Mother Aya is gonna show her in no uncertain terms

that she is worthy of love, that she is worthy respect,

and not only is she worthy of these things, she deserves them.

♪♪

Teri: Lean your head back just a hair.

I want to warn you, it has an intense burning sensation.

♪♪

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

[ Vehicles passing ]

♪♪

Steve: Last night, I was really excited

because we really laid the foundation of trust

and we really laid a very strong foundation

of them getting comfortable within the medicine.

Tonight, before we go into our ayahuasca journey,

I have a little gift from Brazil called sananga drops.

These drops go into your eyes.

And we put these drops prior to the ceremony

because this has ibogaine alkaloids

that is going to increase the visions of the ayahuasca.

It also has a spiritual element all unto itself,

but combined with ayahuasca, it is incredibly powerful.

[ Splashing ]

The second night, we're getting them prepared

for a very intense experience.

We're gonna make symbols of the things

that have caused them the most trouble in their life,

and then we're gonna burn it with an effigy.

And that is gonna sear it into their subconscious mind,

while ayahuasca is taking effect,

of what that means to let go.

[ Birds chirping ]

We're about to do what's called negative sigils.

I'm gonna show you how to make symbols.

These symbols are gonna represent

everything that you want to leave behind

that ‐‐ that came through that door,

and they're gonna have another purpose later tonight.

Sigils that we will be using in pre‐ceremony tonight

is symbology at its simplest. We are gonna take sentences,

and we are gonna remove vowels and double consonants

and leave only the letters.

And from the letters left, we're gonna make symbols.

Going left to right, I got an "R."

I'm gonna put this "R" right there.

This ain't puppies and kittens.

This is about getting rid of this shit.

This is about putting it on paper

and putting it to the universe, and it is gone.

This is all the things I want to get rid of,

that when I burn in my ayahuasca ceremony,

when I let go of this symbol,

these things are leaving into the cosmos.

Jules: I put my codependency 'cause I'd like to be more independent.

I also put my tendency to withdraw socially.

I put a lot of my shame into my sigil.

It's something I've struggled with for a very long time.

I'm really wanting to let that go.

Steve: Who here would like to do sananga drops

before your ayahuasca ceremony?

Because this has ibogaine properties,

and it will increase your visions.

It's also very good for your eyes.

But those that want to do it,

I want to warn you because there is a price to pay,

and that is, in the beginning,

it has an intense burning sensation.

Why? Because pain creates energy

within the deepest realms of our minds,

and when we do it, we want you holding your symbol.

Think about what you're letting go.

Teri: Keep your eyes closed until I tell you to open them, okay?

Here's one...

There's two. Lean your head back just a hair.

Okay. Blink your eyes.

Open and blink. Blink blink blink blink blink.

♪♪

Steve: And all that fear and pain

went into that symbol that they were holding

when that sananga was burning

like a red‐hot coal in their pupil.

‐Doing good, doing good. ‐Hold your symbol.

‐Doing good, yep. ‐Focus on that symbol.

Steve: In through your nose, out through your mouth.

In through your nose, out through your mouth.

‐[ Exhales sharply ] ‐Breathe. There you go.

‐Accept and allow. It will pass. ‐Good job.

Steve: It really brought a seriousness to the sigils,

to what we were about to do.

♪♪

Tonight, I feel this group needs to be bonded

with a little bit of fear.

Nik and Tlawil, please bring out the corpse.

♪♪

The corpse, I used to bring home what we're doing.

We're working with life and death.

Teri: The corpse, for us, represents the old them ‐‐

that is, the them that they are letting go.

We're gonna pin the sigil to it,

and then, you know, when we light it on fire,

that part of them is gone.

I am about to take these people on a near‐death experience

with a very thin tether,

to bring them back whole but different.

They got here over decades of [bleep]‐up inner dialogue,

abusive relationships,

and self‐esteems that were decimated.

Good job. Thank you so much.

Taylor: The words I chose for my list

were "shame," "rage," and "people that suck."

[ Rhythmic rattling ]

If I could literally leave something here

and not take it back with me, it would be those things.

Growing up, I was blocking a lot of stuff out,

but I was also doing that so I could have a relationship,

or somewhat of a relationship, with my family.

And then after I talked to them about the abuse or mentioned it,

I was immediately blacklisted and excommunicated.

I just felt like all those years

where I was blocking something out

so I could have a relationship with them was...

[ Groans ] It ‐‐ It wasn't worth it at all.

The sooner I can get rid of all this

harbored guilt and shame and...

or whatever you want to call it...

[sighing] the better.

[ Rattling continues ]

Steve: Now as we sit here in front of our corpse

of our negative internal dialogue,

we want to say a few final words.

We're gathered here today to release you to the universe,

to never come back in our lives again.

By them handing me their symbol after they drank ayahuasca

and been blessed by sage and rattle,

that symbol of pain, negativity, loathing, hatred, shame...

[ Fire crackling ]

...we gave it to the universe to never return.

[ Crackling continues ]

Emily: I really did do what Steve asked

and focused the pain with the sexual assault.

I felt like I could kind of put that

a little bit more to rest than it was, at least.

Jules: And it's hard when someone's not willing

to see you the way you want to be seen.

It ‐‐ It can fill you with things like shame

because you feel very unwanted.

[ Crackling continues ]

♪♪

Nik: Ooh, shit.

Got a little bit of red in there. You okay?

Taylor: I think it was a lot of things that I've hung on to

that was coming up to the surface ‐‐

rage that I've just held in my gut.

♪♪

Here, I gotcha. Thank you.

Here, give me a second. I'll get you another. Hope I'm done.

♪♪

[ Water running ]

Steve: Tonight, the ceremony we did with the sigils,

the burning of the corpse, the effigy ‐‐

all that combined was about them identifying and becoming aware

of what has really been their challenges in life,

what has held them back, so that mental terrain

is firmly seeded with what they need to move forward.

[ Exhales sharply ]

[ Sighs ] I'm trying to breathe.

I think I'm, like, breathing a little too fast,

which is making it worse.

‐Okay. ‐Yeah.

Emily: [ Wearily ] Really sit up, I just...

Steve: Yeah, kind of straighten up a little bit.

[ Breathes deeply ] [ Panting ]

I started feeling the, uh, nausea

and the sort of start to sweat a little bit type deal.

[ Door slams ] Then I got nervous and ended up,

you know, vomiting and stuff, but...

[ Coughing ] If there's a good puke,

it was a good puke, if that makes any sense. [ Laughs ]

I felt lighter when I walked away.

♪♪

[ Ringing ]

Tlawil: Music has a huge influence on your journey.

You will go with the songs, what it's telling you.

Open your heart, heal it,

and allow you to process way more stuff

through your subconscious mind.

♪♪

Steve: The second night with Taylor,

the medicine took him straight to bed.

Taylor came because he had been abused as a small child,

but he has to shift gears from his inner child

that's shut everything out

because that was safer than letting anything in.

I really do feel his breakthrough is coming.

The question will be, can Taylor process this rush of pain

when it's finally released?

Taylor: I just kind of fell into my head,

and that's when I started letting ayahuasca take effect.

I was a toddler.

I was small, and I was running through a house.

I saw white walls.

I saw white molding and hardwood floors.

I had to find hiding places around the house

where I couldn't really be accessed that easy.

[ Footsteps ] I was just rounding corners.

And, I mean, maybe it was something

that happened to me a long time ago,

but it was ‐‐ it was vivid enough to where it ‐‐

it was definitely coming from some kind of bank in my mind.

Parts of my childhood abuse did come up,

and that's when I started having physical feelings of anxiety.

And I was trying to put it all down inside,

and then it turned into vomit. [ Retching ]

I think it was a lot of fear and anxiety

that was coming up to the surface for me.

[ Spits, groans ]

Just things that I've hung on to for so long.

It was making me sad. [ Scoffs ]

And I felt like I was throwing up stuff

that was making me really unhealthy ‐‐

just, like, rage that I've just held in my gut.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

[ Knocking ] Taylor: Yeah?

Nik: Uh, just letting you know

I'm out here with a fresh bucket and a paper towel, so...

‐Can you come in please? ‐Huh?

Taylor: I need ‐‐ I would like a fresh bucket.

‐Uh, are you decent? ‐Yep.

[ Door squeaks ]

‐Ooh, shit. ‐What?

Nik: Got a little bit of red in there. You okay?

It sounded like you were getting it

pretty rough in here, trying to...

Sounded like something was trying to come up...

‐That's what was happening. ‐...which is fine.

‐[ Sighing heavily ] [Bleep]

Nik: With Taylor, you could really tell

that this was something very crucial.

He was releasing the emotions built up,

because there is a lot of things that he's been through.

Ugh. I don't know what's gonna happen, but... [ Sighs ]

We've kind of set something up outside,

and I'd like you to trust us.

Jules was gonna have to take a courageous and brave step.

♪♪

[ Rhythmic drumming ]

♪♪

[ Groans ]

♪♪

With Jules, you could tell that after she drank that first cup,

Mother Aya, her tentacles

were already starting to work through her.

But I also knew Jules was gonna have to take

a very, very courageous and brave step.

We share a lot of similarities.

We really do. ‐Yeah.

Because we know what it is to feel like an outcast.

I'm a convicted felon. ‐Right.

Teri's a convicted felon.

We know what it is to have a secret

that we can't share openly. ‐Right.

You know, we know what it is to feel shame.

It's something I've struggled with for a long time.

Now, do you and your mother still interact, or...

We, um... We ‐‐ It's very limited.

‐Okay. ‐Um, she wanted to cut all s‐‐

all contact, after she learned about my gender transition.

♪♪

And I didn't feel like I'd ever be acceptable at that point.

♪♪

I had tried cutting my wrists in the bathtub.

Thankfully, a close friend of mine had intervened. ‐Thankfully, yes.

Like, he was bursting down a door.

‐To get to you. ‐To get to me.

Steve: That tells me somebody loved you.

‐Yeah. ‐Right?

Jules: And I've had a lot of support since coming out.

I've got a daughter now and...

Steve: Wow. How does that feel?

[ Laughs ] It's beautiful.

She's amazing.

Now, we've kind of set something up outside,

and I'd like you to trust us for a little longer.

Do you trust us now?

‐I trust you, Steve and Teri. ‐Well, good.

Thank you, because we got your best interests at heart.

Under ayahuasca, our subconscious

is wide‐open and raw.

As a modern shaman, it's important

that we plow the road of their mind

while Mother Aya courses through their veins.

I have created an arena of reflection for Jules.

It's made up of mirrors and lights.

Everywhere she looks, she will see herself

in beautiful, feminine form.

‐[ Sighing ] Okay. ‐And remember what I told you ‐‐ if it gets too intense,

I want you to close your eyes for a little bit,

kind of take a breath.

In fact, right now, kind of look around.

I want you to get comfortable in your surroundings.

Get comfortable with you from every angle.

You're a beautiful woman. You should take that in.

I want you to think about, what is your best attribute?

Look at that person in that mirror right now,

and I want you to have that mental conversation.

I want you to laugh with her,

and I want you to fully embrace her

because she's been through a lot of shit,

and she has taken a lot of shit. [ Laughs, sniffles ]

And five years ago, she was ready to end all that shit.

And that person sitting in that chair would not have been here,

would not have held her daughter,

would not have been the role model,

and look at how you're feeling now looking at yourself.

You're laughing.

You're fully aware and engaged and smiling,

and you're doing this all in front of strangers.

You're not withdrawn.

You're reaching out, and all of this is wonderful,

and all this is really causing you

to move forward from this day forth.

All that other crap was burned on that corpse

that we set fire to, and your sigil...

...that was all yours and no one else's,

that you chose to let go ‐‐ shame.

You chose to let go social withdrawal.

And what was the third thing you chose to let go?

Not allowing myself to, you know...

...fully love myself.

Are you closer to fully loving yourself now?

I am.

Steve: Do you really see your worth?

I think so, yes.

Steve: And how could you ever kill that

and deprive the world of that gift?

♪♪

I can't.

Steve: You can't.

And that's why your daughter loves you

and you are her goddess.

Well, how we feeling right now?

Because this is ‐‐ this is intense.

I'm feeling a lot of peace.

Steve: My heart was really full of joy for her.

I knew right there we just watched

a very intense breakthrough.

This arena of love, this arena of self‐respect,

and this arena of courage,

and you are dead‐set in the middle of it all.

That's a beautiful way to start a journey.

♪♪

Jules: I started meditating on things like, you know,

how ‐‐ how can I make this world a better place?

And I saw what I felt like the future of humanity

might look like

and perhaps journeying out into the stars

and creating something much larger than ourselves.

And the visions sort of started.

It was sort of as if I had become, um, a goddess.

I saw a beautiful woman who has gone through so much

and who has faced, you know, a lifetime of soul‐searching,

only to arrive at this moment.

And I felt very complete.

♪♪

[ Birds chirping ] ♪♪

[ Birds chirping ]

♪♪

[ Strumming guitar ]

♪♪

[ Strumming stops ]

Emily: I feel like, with my depression and anxiety, like...

I don't want someone to fix it. I'm not asking for a savior.

I'm asking for somebody to put their arm around me and tell me,

"It's gonna be okay."

I'm never gonna accept anything less than that again.

I am so proud of you. Thank you.

It is so great, what you did last night.

I ‐‐ I feel amazing today.

Um, yeah, last night was, uh...

[ laughing ] an experience, to say the least.

Well, I feel like I'm glowing. [ Laughs ]

I don't know how to describe that, but, um... yeah.

Feel like I c‐‐ I could do anything.

Mother Aya put you all back together, a little bit.

A lot of bit, I'd say.

You look like a completely different person today

than the one that walked in. It's strange.

I feel like the same person, but I feel so much lighter...

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐...so much more connected.

Today, I feel very content in myself,

and I feel very complete, like I don't need

that validation of others or anything.

Jules was radiant today,

and I'm talking the energy that was coming from her

was nothing but pure self‐acceptance

for the first time in a long time.

That's Mother Aya at her best.

It doesn't always take ayahuasca,

but it always takes Mother Aya.

I am very proud of each and every one of you here.

It took great bravery and courage for each of you

to go through the ordeals that we have put you through.

As you're re‐entering the world, I want you to remember

you're leaving here as different individuals as you walked in.

But the world has not changed,

and the little puddles of poo that you left at home

or wherever you came from is still waiting for you

when you get back.

But hopefully, through this,

you have gained a different perspective

and will choose a different reaction

when confronted with your old way of life.

♪♪

Come here, Taylor. Thank you so much.

Taylor: I would do ayahuasca again.

This is pretty good. I feel taken care of right now.

That's it. That's all I got.

I can't tell you any more than that. It's too many emotions.

[ Laughs, sighs ]

‐Thank you, guys. ‐Be safe.

‐All right. You guys, too. ‐Thank you.

Emily: Leaving Aya Quest, I just feel, like, empowered.

I feel like a badass.

[ Laughing ] I don't know, you know?

Feels good.

Jules: When I came to Aya Quest, I was feeling very depressed,

feeling like a burden on the lives of the people around me,

and feeling like I weighed people down.

But you know, setting out, I feel like I'm more complete,

and I'd like to say to the, you know, transgender,

nonbinary, and queer community that things can get better

and that they will.

Um, there are people out there who will love you

and that you are enough

and that you are amazing just the way you are.

Steve: I have the most beautiful, blessed, peaceful existence

that any human being ‐‐

much less retired bank robber, convict, thief ‐‐

could ever hope to be.

And I hope anybody who sees this thinks this world is unfair

when a piece of shit like me

can enjoy the existence that I do now,

and I hope it makes you get the [bleep] off the couch

and do something.

♪♪

♪♪

I have a more positive outlook on life.

I feel like I know myself better.

I feel like I have more of a personality.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Jules: I'm doing quite well.

Uh, this has been a very good summer for me.

I don't know. It's an exciting time.

[ Static ]