Original subtitles

- I had no idea so much went into a wedding.

- Speaking as your wife, that was clear.

- Hmm. - CAPTAIN: - Five boxes...

..six, seven, eight...in here.

And ten in the lobby. Excellent.

Right. Lift from the knees! Trust me, you don't want a hernia.

- Head! - What?

- ...chog.

Hedgehog. Sorry.

I thought I saw a hedgehog. - Where?

- Did you? - Mm-mm.

- No. Ah.

HUMPHREY: - Chase it out with a broom. They'll leave fleas in the rug!

- Now, the other bit. I have you down for night lookout this evening.

- Again? Can't he do it? I mean...

..me do it? - Hardly.

There's a lot of valuable ordnance on base, and, while your counterpart here

is very dextrous, observation is not his strong suit.

- OK. Fine. Pick me up at six. Literally.

- HUMPHREY CHUCKLES

- Very good.

- Oh, no, no, no! I know you're on a budget,

but where are the oyster forks?

- They're not having oysters. - What?!

- How much? To hire knives and forks?!

- It's wedding silver, Mike. It's got to be top quality.

Don't try to bend them!

- That's just what I heard. - No, don't be daft.

Course it ain't haunted.

Just act natural.

If anyone asks, we're couriers who got lost in the grounds

while looking for a toilet, cos you needed to go urgently

due to a recent operation to remove a small section of bowel.

- That's a lot of detail, Vin.

- That's what makes it believable.

Now, Pete says this place has been getting deliveries all week

for some big wedding bash.

Silverware, furniture, PA system - all quality stuff.

- So, what's the plan?

- So we case the joint, find a way in... - Uh-huh.

- ..then come back when they're asleep...

..and nick it.

- # I'll make love to you

# If you want me to

# And I'll hold you tight

# Baby, all through the night... #

- I don't want him to!

- # I'll make... # - OK!

- Great. They're doing Music Club... Well, they're busy.

They won't even know I'm out.

- You haven't told them?

- It would just become some whole big thing

and it's better if I just sneak out.

They won't bother you. - Hmm.

- You've been on your own with them before.

- Yeah, not at night, with the house all dark and creepy

and them all dead and weird.

- You still can come with us, you know?

- Nah. You go.

They're your friends, really. I'll be fine,

with the...dead people.

- Thanks for waiting. - No problem.

- This is perfect. They're going out.

Come on, now's our chance.

- But I've still got the thighs.

- God, you eat slowly.

- Well, I have got that bowel thing.

- No, you haven't.

- Oh, yeah.

- MIKE: - Yeah, no, that's cool.

No, no, no. No reason. I just thought,

if you wanted to pop round, play a bit of Xbox or something,

but it's fine - another time. Yep.

All right, say hello to...

- BEEP

- Hello?

Ah!

- HE SIGHS

TV: - Coming up tonight in The Love Nest...

- WOMAN: - I like ya and I love ya, but I don't like ya - know what I mean?

- MAN: Yeah. I mean, no.

- I just don't think you've shown me the real you.

- I have. You touched it.

- That's not what I mean. I just think you're a bit...

- TV OFF

- Right. I know you can hear me...

- HIGH-PITCHED: - # Amazing Kitty, so... #

- Now, I'm going to stay in here, OK?

And you stay...anywhere else.

- # Hurray for Kitty! #

- I don't want any trouble.

I just want to watch my show,

and eat my trifle, and go to sleep...

Not that I will sleep.

Haunted house. On my own. In the middle of nowh...

- HE SNORES

VAN APPROACHES

- Oh.

Oh, visitors!

Intruders?

Intruders.

Intruders!

- # Rum tuka-tum, rum tuka-tum Rum tuka-tum... #

Snare drum! # Pom pom pom

# Pom-pom pa-rum-pum pa-dum

# Ba ba ba... #

- Intruders!

- # Ba ba ba-dum ba pom pom pom pom... #

- Anyone?

- # Ba ba ba-dum dum ba-dum

# Ba ba ba ba ba

# Ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba-dum ba ba

# Oh, ba, ba

# Rum, rum, rum! #

- HE SNORES

TO THE TUNE OF IT'S A LONG WAY TO TIPPERARY: - # Ba ba ba ba

# Ba-ba-ba ba ba

# Ba ba ba ba

# Ba ba... #

Horn section!

# Brum ba-rum bum bum bum... #

Piccolo! # Bum bum ba ba

# Bum bum ba ba

# Daddle-addle-ah

# Bum bum ba ba bum bum bum bum

# Baaa-nup

# Ba ba ba doof!

# Ba ba... #

- PIANO KEYS CLASH

- Sh!

- Whatever was that?

- It's the Coldstream Guards.

- No, no. It come from down stair.

- Now...

Ah, ah, ah!

- JULIAN: - Oh! I know what this is!

- A masked ball!

- No, no. We had this at the Bramptons'. It's, um...

- A burglary! - ..insurance fraud.

Oh, yes, I suppose it might actually be a burglary. Yeah.

- Good Lord, there's another one.

- Well, I can't see no cameras.

- Oh, it's you, Nev.

I didn't recognise you.

- I was just wearing a hat.

- Oh. Right.

Let's see what's worth nicking, shall we?

- All right. We have enemy insurgents.

Somebody warn Alison. Tell her to inform the authorities.

- Where is she?

- In bed, I think. - I'll go!

- In the meantime, we must NOT lose sight of them.

Fanny, keep eyes on the leader. - Right.

- Kitty, Mary - make a note of anything that they try to steal.

We'll need a full inventory.

- Ahem... - A list!

- Oh.

- And as for you...

- No! Leave this one to me.

I am placing you under a citizen's arrest.

You do not have to say anything, but anything you do say will be taken...

Wurgh! Ohhh!

Cheeky little blighter.

- Tray. One tray.

Silver tray.

How dare you!

- You contemptible, odious...

- Candlestick. One candlestick.

- No, no, no. Those come as a pair.

- Forks. - Just forks? You need a full canteen.

A dinner service requires a full canteen!

- He's taken nothing.

Still nothing. - Yes, thank you, Mary.

- Young man, you are heading down a dark path.

But it's not too late, you know.

You're yet to commit a serious offence...

- HE GASPS

- Borstal.

You're going to borstal. They're going to eat you alive.

- Nothing here.

- See?

- GROANS SHE

HE SNIFFS

VINNY: - Anything?

- NEV GASPS

Can you smell that? What is that?

HE SNIFFS

- What?

- I'm telling you - this place ain't right.

- You ain't right. Come on, I think I've found the DJ kit.

- Right. - DJ kit...

- She's not here! Alison! He's alone up there.

Maybe she's left him!

Or gone out? Probably just gone out.

- Gentlemen...

..we're on our own.

- Right. Box, 'nother box, bigger box.

And some worms.

- It is a lot to remember.

- No, it's only...

What did I just say?

- Oh! Alison taught me a clever way of remembering things

when I kept forgetting the colours in a rainbow.

You make a sentence with the same first letters.

So, it's Richard Of York

Gave Battle In Vain.

So that's red, orange, yellow...

..grey...

..blue... - Yeah?

- ..indigo...

..v-v-v...ery light blue.

A rainbow!

- Sounds right.

- So, candlesticks, cutlery

and silver tray could be...

- Cups? - Yes!

- Cups. And...

S-s-s-s-s...

...some more cups.

- Exactly!

- Oh, that muddles things. - Oh.

- ALL YELL

JULIAN YELLS

- Move it along, man! Push for the finish!

- CHEERING

RINGING TONE

- Emergency services. - ALL: Yes!

- What service do you require?

- The police, please! - The constabulary.

- Do you need fire, police or ambulance?

- We not think this through.

- Hello, is anyone there?

- Oh! The plague girl can be heard!

- Yes! - To the pantry!

- Hang on.

Was that always like that?

- Ghosts! It was definitely ghosts!

Or I might have knocked it. I do do that.

What? Do you think someone's here?

- Shouldn't be, but...

Let's be on the safe side.

Cut the phone line.

No - the main one.

No - the main one!

Outside.

- Come! Come! - This way. That's it.

- What? Who did that?

- JULIAN STRAINS

- Right, pay attention.

Just ask for the police. Tell them a burglary is in progress

at Button House, then give them the address. Got it?

- HE SHUDDERS

ALL CHEER

- Emergency services. What service do you require?

- Yes, please, Jemima.

- # Ring a ring o' roses

# Pocket full of posies... #

- Hello, is anyone there? - # A-tish-oo, a-tish-oo... #

- I think maybe that's all she does. - Honestly.

Why is no-one ever alive when you need them?

- Well...someone is.

- ELECTRICITY CRACKLES

ROBIN STRAINS

- Still nothing.

- Is he dead? - I wish.

No, I don't. Wait. Hang on...

- MIKE SNORES, ALL GASP

Scratch his head.

- Thatcher's dead?!

- No. Scratch his head. Or, like, jab him.

- Come on. I'm exhausted!

- Don't complain about it. It's a gift. - All right! Da-da-da-da!

Give me some space.

Shwa-da!

- HE SNORES

Oh, man!

Eeny meeny miny...

Main one.

BANG, HE SCREAMS

JULIAN STRAINS

- You could try prodding his...

- No!

- No?

- PHONE: - Hello? Can you hear me?

- TO THE TUNE OF RING A RING O' ROSES: - # Burglary in progress! #

- If you can hear me, all you have to do is...

- CONTINUOUS TONE

HE SIGHS DEEPLY

Hmm.

Did you cut the wrong cable?

- It's possible.

- HE SIGHS

What d'ya reckon?

- Well, it's a fine piece. Look at the brushwork.

- Dunno.

- Oh, you "dunno". How are things at Sotheby's?

- The frame's all cracked.

- Well, forget the frame, just cut out the canvas!

Ugh!

- Trust me, it'll work.

- Well, look, I just... I don't feel comfortable...

- Oh, not still asleep?

- I HAVE been trying!

- But we need his help. He's our only hope.

- Star Wars!

- Well, I've done my bit. Good luck with it all.

- Wait!

In case of emergency...

..break glass!

JULIAN SIGHS

- Fine.

But if I get RSI, I'm suing.

- Come along.

- Shammo!

Mi-wadi-wadi-wadi...

- Push that! Push!

ALL GROAN

- Ah, good quality.

- TOGETHER: Ooh!

- Ah! Made in Britain.

- Right.

- CLATTERING, MIKE GASPS

Shhh!

- Vin!

- WHISPERED: Maybe someone is in here.

- Or some-THING. - Shut up, Nev.

Grab that candlestick.

- Right.

- Not that. That!

- I thought this WAS a candlestick.

- That's just a candle.

- But it's in the shape of a stick.

- Yes, it's the shape of a stick, but...

Look, just grab that!

SWITCH CLICKS

- All right, this isn't funny.

Stop messing about. Seriously.

- He's up.

- Yes, but how do we communicate with him?

SNAPS FINGERS

- Morse code!

- Will he know Morse code?

- BOTH: Everyone knows Morse code.

- Fine. I'll try.

But something light! Getting crampy.

- FAINT CLICKING

CLICKING CONTINUES

CLICKING SPEEDS UP

HE SCREAMS

- Eh... Ah. - Yes, probably not the best choice.

- Hmm.

- DANCE MUSIC

They've... They've gone what?

Mike, I can barely hear you.

- Rogue! They've gone rogue! The ghosts.

- He on phone!

- Robin?

- Ooh! It Alison!

- ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

- Alison! There are insurgents!

- I don't know why, but they've wrecked the joint

and broke the lights and blown the power

and I don't know what I'm going to do. - Mike!

Mike. Sorry, can you stop talking? Can you open the wardrobe door?

- What makes you think I'm in the wardrobe?

- Are you? - Yes.

- Yes.

- Shush up! Shush up! One at a time.

Alison, there is a burglary in progress.

The authorities must be notified at once!

- Oh, my... - Over.

- Mike! Mike, there are burglars in the house.

- What?!

- Can you just hang up, and stay where you are and call the police?

I'm on my way! - Right.

- Oh, no.

- Oh, come on!

- VINNY: Anything?

- Nope. No-one here.

Yeah, well, I definitely heard something.

- Come on. Let's finish up and get out of here.

- Right, if you can hear me, knock three times.

- Why THREE times?

- HE STRAINS

KNOCK

KNOCK

HE YELLS

KNOCK

- Yes! Well done.

- Well, yeah, you know.

- Right. OK. Where are the burglars now?

- Well, how the hell am I supposed to answer that?

- No, that doesn't... Um...

- What DOES she see in him?

- Right, OK...

What weapons have they got?

No. How many burglars are there?

- Ah, yes, can do that.

- And where are they?

- ALL SIGH

- Oh, this is futile.

- Are they bigger than me? No...

Or smaller?

- PAT: Oh, I think I've had an idea!

- Me? Again?

God! I haven't worked this hard since that animal welfare bill.

- YOU had an animal welfare bill?

- No, no. I was lobbying against it.

Balls to animals.

- This way, everyone.

To the bog! - Knock twice if you're still here.

- TAP SQUEAKS

JULIAN YELLS

- That's it.

- Oh.

- Very good. - Good, good.

- Very good. - Yes, yes.

Ooh! - OK, Robin.

- Every time.

There we go.

- OK...

..how many burglars are there?

- Ah. - All right. - Here we go.

- HE STRAINS

- Come on.

- Two.

20?

I need to get out of here!

- What are you doing? There's not 20!

- No, I was writing, "2 of them."

- Just write, "2."

- Well, you know, hindsight is a wonderful thing, isn't it?

- Moron!

- Hi. Do you have a car?

- 30 minutes. - Could it be 20?

- It could be 40.

- I'm sorry, are you haggling with...time?

Look, it's an hour, love - take it or leave it.

- What are you doing? Oi! What the...?

- CAPTAIN: - Well, that's just wonderful, isn't it?

Michael's gone AWOL, Alison is off-base, and we have absolutely no way

of contacting the authorities. We have to do something. Any ideas?

- Uh... - Ooh!

- Yes, please, Robin.

Oh, that's very helpful, isn't it? A deserter!

I could have you shot for that, you know!

- Ooh...

- Well...

- NEV: - Do you think this is gold?

- VINNY: No, it's silver.

FLOORBOARDS CREAK

- How do you know? - Because it's silver.

Just put it in the bag.

- Hyah!

- CLATTERING

- Why is everything so old?

- NEV: - Who's there?

- Me, you moron. - Oh, sorry, Vin.

- Well, swaddle them in something!

If they crack, they're worth nothing.

- # Cut glass decanters! #

- Caused Godwin's dog...

- # Three pewter tankards! #

- ..to puke up...turnip?

- # Ju-u-ugs! #

- Juice!

- I think putting it to music helped.

- To be honest, I think I was nailing it anyways.

- ROBIN PANTS

SHE SIGHS

Hello.

- Hello.

Were you murdered while hitch-hiking, too?

- Huh?

Oh, no. Oh...

No. Er, no. I was...

I've got to go. I...

NEV: - Anything else?

- VINNY: - Pete said there's disco lights.

- HE HOWLS

DOGS BARK

- Oh, what's got into them?

Burglars?

Stay there, Bunny.

They'll rue the day!

- Hi. Hello?

Hi. Sorry, um, I know this is a long shot,

but I need to get home urgently...

GIRLS SHRIEK

GIRL: - Oh, look! Hi!

- Hi.

# I will survive

# Oh, as long as I know how to love I know I'll stay alive... #

DOGS BARK

- What? Out there? In the garden?

- DOGS BARK

- Who goes there?

- HOWLS

DOGS YELP

HE SIGHS

Bitches!

- No, no, no. Those were only pewter.

Save that space, and go back for the champagne!

- Just here, driver!

- # Go on, now, go! # - Can you drop me...?

I can jump off at the turning.

GIRLS: - Bye! - Bye!

- I reckon that's it.

- You've made your bed.

Don't come crying to me when you bend over in the shower

and someone puts drugs in your bottom!

I watched a film about borstal.

Bits of it.

- Well, mission very much NOT accomplished.

At least, tell me you got an inventory.

- KITTY HUMS

- Caused...

- # Two... #

- ..Godwin's dog to... - # Three...

# ..one... # - ..to puke up...

- # Drink... # - ..turnips...

Cups.

- And a rainbow!

- VINNY: Just give them here. NEV: - What?

- Let's get out of here.

What?

CLANKING

- Oh, my God, it's a ghost! I told you!

- CREAKING

MIKE SCREAMS

Get in the van, Nev.

MIKE: - Yeah, run away. Go on...

- Oh, just leaving the witness alive, are we?

Not even a threat of violence?

At least, take some identification

and say you'll be back if he contacts the authori...

What have I become?

- SHE PANTS

NEV: - I can't believe we got away with it.

- See? Absolute piece of...

VINNY YELLS

CRASH

DOGS BARK

- Ah!

- Don't bally move!

- I've got a problem with my bowel!

- Move an inch and you will have.

- Good girls. Good girls!

- Ah! Annabel!

- SHE PANTS

Alison.

- ..pivots in the middle.

- HUMPHREY YELLS

- Ow! - I fought in an actual battle...

- There are burglars!

But you know that.

- POLICE RADIO CHATTER

- As a pivotal member of the local neighbourhood watch,

I was keeping my usual vigil over the surrounding estates...

- The operator thought she heard a child,

so we traced the number and got the address.

- What?

- But we'd have been too late if it weren't for your friend here.

- Thank you.

- No, no. Least I could do.

- No-one to blame but yourself, Neville.

You mark my words. They're going throw the book at you, son.

- What do you reckon? - No previous. Probably probation.

- You what?!

- I mean, they do still freak me out. But, well...they did good tonight.

- Yeah, they properly saved our skins.

And to think, when I first met them, they seemed so selfish.

TAP GUSHES

SPLUTTERS

- Well, close the door, then!

I've had a hell of a day.

- HE EXHALES DEEPLY