Original subtitles

PAT: OK. Thank you, Lady B.

Right, for me, it's a nice day,

so I would go for my tracky Bs, my tracky T and my white Hi-Tecs.

ALL: - Ooh! - Trendy.

- Robin? - Eh...

..Apollo A7L spacesuit.

You've got liquid cooling, portable life-support system,

locking cuff, go, "Kshhh..."

- Spaceman. Yeah, really cool.

- It is cool. - Julian?

- Trousers. - Right, any sort of...?

- No, any kind of trousers.

It's funny, you don't miss them till they're gone.

- No. Kitty?

- Blue jeans...and a green jumper.

- Like Alison?

- Oh, gosh. Yes!

We'd be like twins. - Captain?

- This.

- You're kidding. - No. - We're saying you get up in the morning

and you can wear whatever you like.

Thomas is wearing double denim with aviators!

- So...? - And Mary

is wearing a dress made out of seashells.

- With a simple lobster hat.

- Still wouldn't change a thing. - All right.

Well, that's it for What I Would Wear If I Could Today...today.

Don't forget, later, Julian will be giving a speech

at 6pm sharp, on the art of spin.

- Is that off spin or leg spin? Because...

- No, no. Different kind of spin. It's a political tactic, coined in the...

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's save it for later.

- Yeah, OK, yeah, OK. - Cool, cool.

- Look at all these bits I found out there. Could be valuable.

- ALL: - Ooh... - That's interesting. - That might be worth something.

Is that Queen Victoria? - Oh, that's Elizabeth II.

- Which one's that?

- Our one. - Oh, I despair!

- Hmm. There might be something else worth something.

There's an old pipe and whatever this is.

- Ah, looks like a musket ball.

- Yes, I think it is. - They think it's a musket ball.

- It is.

- Thomas, you don't think that it's the one that...?

- I know it.

- HE GASPS SHARPLY

- Oh, God.

Oh, God, it burns!

- CRYING: - Mock me no more, cruel world!

- It is a musket ball.

- UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYS SOFTLY

- Are you sure you want me to come?

- Everyone's bringing partners. - Yeah, but it's your reunion.

I didn't even go to your school. I'll just be like a lemon.

- Obi's going to be there. You can talk to him.

- Is that Kevin guy going?

- Kevin McMahan?

- You know who I'm talking about.

The one you dumped when you met me.

- I don't know. Maybe.

- Is his partner going to be there? - I don't know.

I don't know if he has one.

- Right. OK.

Yeah, cool. - Are you OK? - Yep. Cool.

- OK. - Cool.

Cool, cool, cool. I am cool.

- THOMAS CLEARS HIS THROAT

- Thomas.

- I wanted to apologise for my outburst earlier today.

- Which one? - You are kind to make light of it.

It must've been a shock to see me so ruled by my emotions.

- Erm... - You see, I was overcome with the memory of it all.

- Come in. - 'Tis not a pleasant thing to contemplate, as you can imagine.

- Hmm.

- Perhaps I can give you account of the unhappy events

of that fateful day.

- Oh, you don't have to.

- October 10th, 1824.

- OK. - A crisp, autumnal afternoon.

- SPRIGHTLY HARPSICHORD PLAYS

- My cousin and I had accepted invitation

to a gathering at Higham House,

as it was then known.

- FRANCIS: What a place. Imagine inheriting this!

- It's pleasant enough to visit.

I wouldn't want to live here!

- FRANCIS CHUCKLES

- The day's proceedings were to feature recitals

of both music and poetry.

Try not to embarrass me, cousin.

I looked forward to unveiling my new work, but most of all,

I looked forward to seeing once again Lord Higham's daughter...

..my beloved Isabelle.

Oh, my heart is aflutter, cousin.

- She is fine indeed.

Shall we speak to the girl?

- Nay! Nay, nay, nay, nay.

She is with her father.

He does not know we have an attachment - we cannot speak openly.

Though I long to know that her feelings are unchanged.

- Write her a note, then.

I will deliver it. I will be your Cupid.

- I penned a note, thanked my cousin...

Thank you, Cousin.

..and waited, breath bated, for the...

- RATTLING

- Oh, where is that thing?

I am listening.

Carry on.

- Snickers? - Yes.

- What's wrong with Marathon?

Snickers just sounds like, "It's knickers".

'S'knickers. 'S'knickers.

- Well, is that a bad thing?

- Well, no, I suppose not, but what does it mean? I mean, the word.

It doesn't make any bloody sense, does it?

- Am I early? - As usual!

You and Lady B are always the first.

- What?

- I was just saying, you're always the first.

You could set a clock by you two.

- Well, there's nothing wrong with being punctual.

- Anyway, it's not six yet, so...

..let's talk amongst ourselves, shall we?

KEYBOARD TAPS

- So. your cousin gave her your letter?

- Yes. - Oh, my...!

- In the meantime, the day's entertainments had begun...

- Oh.

- AEROSOL SPRAYS

SINGING FINISHES

- And soon it came my turn to enthral.

- And now, esteemed guests,

we are honoured by a recital from our greatest living poet,

Thomas Thorne.

- APPLAUSE

THOMAS CLEARS HIS THROAT

- Summer hath aroused

the twilight of life in the hay

Shadows long and dark

Time has passed since the honeymoon of May

And held aloft by rosy buds

Whose nectar sweet forbade...

- VOICEOVER: - How I longed to read her words.

But Hermione And Roger is an epic poem,

and I could not cheat my rapt audience.

Upon the banks of the rushing Ouse

Sits there a poor man...

Oh, welcome, Death...

Two hours later, I finally reached the climax of the piece.

On this Earth, we are but lodger

For she was his Hermione

And he...always...

..her Roger!

- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

- Bravo! - Bravo!

- The man's a genius!

- Oh, God!

Oh, thank you.

- Pray silence for Lady Isabelle.

- ISABELLE CLEARS HER THROAT

Her letter, cousin.

- "Dear Mr Thorne.

"I'm sorry, but I do not love you.

"Perhaps you misinterpreted my words or actions when last we met."

- Might you have done?

I mean, you do maybe have the tendency to, you know,

get the wrong idea.

- Are you saying what I think you're saying?

- Almost definitely not.

And again, not. - No.

- Hmm.

- HE TUTS

- Mm.

- HE EXHALES

HE GROANS

- Nah, bruv.

- CLEARS THROAT AWKWARDLY

I was just thinking the other day...

DOOR BELL CLANGS

- There you go.

They're late.

- Always the same ones. - Well...

- Well, what else have they got to do? - I know.

Not stuck in traffic, are they? Or washing their hair.

- Let's play a game to pass the time.

How about Grandma Went To The Shops And Bought An Apple?

JULIAN SIGHS

- Oh, not this! - Sake!

- SOLEMN HARPSICHORD PLAYS

THOMAS: - As my sweetheart played on, I was racked with confusion.

I cannot fathom it.

Her affections were so clear before.

- Poor cousin.

- Perhaps her father has discovered us and forbidden the match.

I must know.

Let her tell me to my face, at least. - Have a care, cousin.

I wouldn't want you further hurt in this.

MUSIC FINISHES, APPLAUSE

Shall we take our leave? - Stand aside, cousin. Excuse me.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

- Isabelle Higham?

Ha! The girl's unbearable.

Ugly and untalented.

- Unbearable, you say?!

Untalented, you say?!

Damn your eyes, I say!

Damn your head, shoulders, knees and toes, sir!

- And what concern is it of yours?

- I happen to love that woman of whom you speak.

And I demand satisfaction.

- SCATTERED GASPS

- If her father thought me unworthy before,

he certainly thought me worthy now.

- Very well.

- Good luck, cousin.

- The evening air was cold.

Those of steady stomach came to witness my bravery.

- Now count your paces.

- WHISPERS: - Four, five, six...

..11, 12...

- GUNSHOT

ISABELLE GASPS

CONFUSED MURMURS

- Good God.

- Thomas! - Cousin!

- We didn't get to 20.

I am shot.

- He cheated, the coward!

THOMAS PANTS

- I am done for.

May God welcome me to the heavens.

- ISABELLE: - My beloved!

My darling!

Oh, how foolish was I to believe Papa would not approve.

You are the best of men.

Kiss me...

..as the French do.

- Oh. Oh!

- ROBIN: That didn't happen.

- What? - It didn't happen!

I was there.

- Of course you were!

- Well, that's how I remembered it.

- Go on, Robin. - I remember that day.

- Great! - Are we really going to...? - Let's hear it.

- He come on horsey with pasty friend.

- It big, nice house.

- Nice to come. Me not want live here.

Oh, blast!

- ROBIN LAUGHS

After he clean poo from his lady shoes, he come inside.

Oh, what you got there?

Ta-da!

GUEST: - Look that.

- What so good?

No!

APPLAUSE

No, do it again. Do it again!

- And now, man called Thomas do poem.

- ROBIN GRUNTS

- Something 'bout flowers, or wine or girls, or something.

- HE GROANS

It was big boring, but outside, something happened.

Blink one for yes, two for no.

No!

Really?

Where?

VOICEOVER: Something was in grounds.

Ooh! There!

WOLF HOWLS

I have sixth sense, so I follow.

HE SNIFFS

HE PANTS

And then I see baby deer - dead.

What beast did this?

ALISON: - Robin?

- What creature...? - Robin?

- What demon...? - Robin! Robin.

It's a bit off topic. - But it just getting to a good bit.

- It's got nothing to do with how I died.

- Eh... - Oh, I remembers that!

- Oh, yes! - Not you two as well.

- This is amazing.

- OK, you're sure? Is he definitely going tonight?

- Well, I mean, the event page says he is.

- Grandma went to the shops and bought an apple,

a packet of Monster Crunch...

- Munch. - Munch,

a bottle of sherry...

..Playboy magazine...

..and...

- An Enfield No.2 standard-issue revolver. - Yes, that.

- You know he's a boxer now? - Yeah, he got into that in prison.

- Prison?

- ..a swingball, and a... - DISTANT: - ..big tank of a man.

- Oh, ah...

- Well, it's your go. It can be anything.

Come on, Fanny. - ..a-a-a lace brassiere!

- Ooh, saucy!

- What are you worried about anyway? - Alison dumped him when she met me.

- Oh. Did she?

- It was ages ago, wasn't it?

So, he'd be over it by now, wouldn't he?

- Hmm, probably, yeah, yeah.

- Mm...

- Mary, you must remember what happened.

- Oh, yeah.

THOMAS SIGHS

I remembers it well.

MARY: The room was full of dandies and wenches,

talking and all floating about the place.

They had wine coming out of their ears.

- It happens all the time. - The people all laughed and danced.

ALL SHOUT AND LAUGH

When Thomas came in, Lady Isabelle did look at him.

Said I to Annie...

Is he the man of which she spoke?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. Annie? Who's Annie?

- ALL MUMBLE IN SURPRISE

- Oh, did we never tell you?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, Annie ghosted here for 100 year or more.

A true friend to me.

- I see.

- Till she got sucked off.

- I'm sorry?

- SHE HUMS CELESTIAL TUNE

- Ah, like, moved on? - Oh, yeah. There's many that's been sucked off

in this house. - Moved on. - I used to dream of the day

that I would be sucked off. - Moved on.

- But I've long since given up hope of ever being sucked off.

- Moving on. - Anyways...

..Annie and I did watch, and Thomas said his poem...

- Summer hath aroused the twilights of lifes in the haze...

- ..and the people all turned to statues.

Honestly, I think they died of boredoms.

- Oh, come, now. This is a nonsense!

- I says it as I remembers I sees it, mate.

- Kitty, you must have been there, too. - Yes.

- HUMPHREY: And me!

- Good God, how long have you been there?! - Oh, the whole time.

Yeah, I remember it. So many beautiful shoes.

Some heeled, some flat, one pair of boots with lovely buckles.

- Wait, did you just see shoes?

- Pretty much, yeah.

- Hmm. Kitty, what did you see?

- Oh, I don't know if I should say.

- Aren't you meant to be going out with Michael this evening?

We've already detained you long enough.

- No, but I want to hear what Kitty saw. Mike, I'll be five minutes.

- Take your time.

Great.

Perfect. Fantastic.

- Go on, Kitty. - All right.

Well, to start with, it was so exciting.

- SHE GIGGLES

- All sorts of interesting people coming to the house,

food laid out on a table.

- PAT: What kind of food?

- No, come one, come all!

The more, the merrier. We're only talking about my death!

- We were supposed to muster at 1800 hours in the common room

for Julian's talk. - Postpone it. You've literally got forever.

Carry on, Kitty.

- Where was I? - You were talking about a spread.

Now, was it like a buffet sort of thing?

You know, cheese and pineapple?

- Pineapple?!

Goodness, no. They were wealthy, but they weren't royalty.

I remember Thomas arriving, so in love with Lady Isabelle.

- MARY: Is he the man of which she spoke?

- Looks a silly arse.

- I remember his poem. - Welcome, Death!

Oh, sweetest sleep...

- I don't understand poetry very well, but it must have been funny

because people were giggling.

- And he always...

..her Roger!

- HE SNORTS

SCATTERED APPLAUSE

- The man's a penis.

- And I remember the argument - Thomas didn't like something he heard.

- What do you think of this Shelley woman I keep hearing about?

- Oh, she's unbearable.

Ugly and untalented.

- Shelley?

No, that can't be right. You've got that wrong.

- That's what I heard - Mary Shelley, the writer.

- Unbearable, you say?

Untalented, you say?

Damn your eyes, I say!

Damn your head...

..shoulders, knees and toes, sir.

- And what concern is it of yours?

- I happen to love that woman of whom you speak.

And I...

Sorry, does anybody have a glove?

Can I borrow your glove?

- No. - Fine.

Imagine the glove.

I demand satisfaction.

- Very well. - Really?

- Yes.

QUIET: - God... - ALOUD: - Good.

Good God.

- Lady Isabelle didn't see what Thomas had done.

- Why are they duelling? - Over Mary Shelley.

Apparently, the poet is in love with her.

- WHISPERS: - Seven, eight, nine, ten...

Ah!

- MACHINE-GUN FIRE

FANNY: Do you mind?!

Kitty was telling the story!

- You weren't even there!

- Well, it's what I would have done.

Close-quarter battle...

- THEY SHOUT OVER HIM

- Excuse me, but what shoes was he...?

- I don't know why that's relevant. - All I wanted to do was...

ALL TALK AT ONCE

- ..they're a low-model rifle.

- ALL ARGUE

- Alison.

- I just want to hear what... - Alison. - Yeah, hi. Hi, sorry. I'm going to be down in, like, one second.

Just... Shh! - You don't even know her!

- Shh-shh-shh! Just... - It looks like you've got something to deal with here. Maybe second thoughts about

the reunion? That's cool. We don't have to go. No problem.

- What? - I can just...go back to... - No, no.

We're still going to go. I just need to finish something real quick.

- Yeah, it's just that I actually... - Just really quickly.

Everyone, just let Kitty finish.

- OK. They marched away from each other.

I could hardly bear to watch.

Oh...

- WHISPERS: - Five, six...

..nine, ten...

..11, 12.

- HE MOUTHS

GUNSHOT

- Oh! - Good God!

GUNSHOT, BIRD SCREECHES

- Sorry.

- FRANCIS: Cousin!

- We didn't get to 20.

I am shot!

- He cheated, the coward!

- I know she doesn't love me but, please, fetch Isabelle,

that I might say goodbye to her.

- Of course.

THOMAS PANTS AND GROANS

- He waited...

..and waited...

..but she never came.

- KITTY GIGGLES

You OK?

- Fine, yeah. Just...something in my eye.

- HE CLEARS THROAT

- So now you know.

I wanted you to believe better of me, but the truth is...

..I was a fool.

A fool who died alone and unloved.

- Hang on. Your cousin, he wasn't wearing boots

with bronze buckles, was he?

- We've finished now, Humphrey.

- Yes. Why?

- Well, who was he writing letters to?

- What?

- Well, he wrote two letters.

On the stairs, where I was.

- Why would he...?

Please, fetch Isabelle, that I might say goodbye.

- Of course.

- No!

- What a place.

Imagine inheriting this.

- My heart is aflutter, cousin.

- She is fine indeed.

Write her a note, then. I will deliver it.

I will be your Cupid.

- Thank you, cousin.

- ISABELLE READS: - "Please understand,

"I do not love you.

"Thomas Thorne."

- SHE GASPS

- And held aloft by rosy buds.

- But how could his feelings have cooled so quickly?

- You deserve better. My cousin... How can I say this?

..has many fancies.

A typical poet.

- Nectar sweet forbade...

- THOMAS READS: - "Dear Mr Thorne, I'm sorry, but I do not love you."

I must know!

Let her tell me to my face, please.

- Have a care, cousin.

I would not want you further hurt in this.

- Come to think of it, it was Francis who told me about the officer.

Excuse me.

- Say, what do you think of this Shelley woman I keep hearing about?

- Oh, she's unbearable.

Ugly and untalented.

- He called Isabelle unbearable and untalented.

- Damn your eyes, I say!

- Very well.

- 20 paces, cousin.

- 20?

- WHISPERS: - 11, 12...

- HE MOUTHS

GUNSHOT

BIRD SCREECHES

- We didn't get to 20!

- ISABELLE: - Thomas! - FRANCIS: Cousin!

- I am shot!

- He cheated, the coward!

- Please, fetch Isabelle, that I might say goodbye.

- Of course.

HE PANTS AND GROANS

- Mm.

- But he didn't fetch her.

ISABELLE: - He was taken too soon!

- He is gone. He is gone, and there's nothing we can do.

SOBBING: - Oh, God, Thomas! - Oh, you poor thing.

Oh, what he's put you through, it is not fair.

Let me lend you some comfort. - Oh, you are kind.

Forgive me. I...

..I don't even know your name.

- Button. Francis Button.

- Button?!

- Yes. They got married.

It was their son who returned here to live.

- My George's grandfather.

- This letter...

..is a lie.

I thought it was not her usual hand.

- And her name is misspelt. - I just thought

she'd written it in a hurry.

- Mm. - All those years

I thought I'd been spurned when, really...

..she did love me.

- Does that make you feel any better?

- No, it's worse!

- Mm.

Wait, hold on. Button? So...

..that means we're related. - Yes!

- Yeah. - No.

I mean, very distantly related. Our children would be fine.

- We're probably all related, if you go back far enough.

- Yeah, you all come from me.

And my sister.

- Mm?

- Heh-heh, joking!

- Right, that's quite enough of this nonsense.

Shall we go and listen to Julian's talk? It's only 43 minutes late.

- MARY: - What be it about?

- The art of spin -

how the same fact or story can be told in different ways to, you know,

promote a particular bias.

- Well, I think we've covered that.

- Well done, Humphrey.

- Not just a pretty face.

Well, I am. KITTY: - Yes, I suppose you are.

- Right, shall we hit the road?

- I don't want to go.

- What? - I don't want to go,

because Kevin, right, you dumped him for me,

and I looked him up, and he's a boxer.

He fights people. And Obi says he's done time, so if he's not over you,

I don't want to go because... - He dumped me.

- What?

- He dumped me.

I told you that I dumped him because

I thought it made it sound better.

And I wanted to make you think that I was choosing you.

Which I...which I was. - So...

- No, I was choosing you. - So I was a rebound?

- No!

Well, kind of. At first.

Look, he's not going to be angry at you, because he dumped me.

And I'm glad he did.

- Come on, then. Let's go.

- Of course, I don't know what you're worried about,

because you're a black belt in taekwondo.

- Yeah...

..I did say that.

- YELLS: - Fie!