Original subtitles

-Paulo, 33, actor. -Yes.

-This is your material? -Yes.

What have you worked on? Theatre? TV?

-So far, nothing. -Nothing.

-You've never acted? -No.

-So you're starting now? -No, I started a while ago.

-How long ago? Eight years. -Eight years ago.

-Eight years, but never acted? -Exactly.

Yeah, but... What did you do in the meantime?

Just acting. I focused on that

-and decided to dedicate myself. -Dedicate...

You dedicated yourself, but never acted.

-Why? -Cause I didn't have the chance.

-Didn't have the chance. -Got it, Paulo.

Thank you for coming.

Unfortunately this role has already been cast,

-but we'll keep in touch. -That's right.

-We'll keep in touch. -It was nice meeting you.

Okay, see you next time.

Now we're screwed, there's no one else.

-What are we gonna do? -Casting session?

-Yes, come on in. -Excuse me.

-And... who are you? -Huh?

-Your name? -Augusto Ferreira.

Augusto Ferreira.

-May I ask a question? -Sure.

Is this a couch test casting?

No biggie, just want to start with everything out in the open.

I'm available. If it is, I'm down.

-No problem. -What is that?

No, it's not a couch test casting.

Actually, is just a regular test casting, but by coincidence, there's a couch.

I saw a bunch of people wearing rubber outfits,

some come out kinda sad and I thought: "I know that face."

But I'm up for a couch test,

-not a problem. -No, it's for the S&M scene.

-Excuse me? -S&M.

Don't worry.

-Well, let's read the lines really quick? -Sure.

You'll read Oséas and you, Renato. Go sit next to him.

-I read Oséas. -Yes.

Every time I see Oséas I read?

-Exactly, Oséas. -Okay.

Okay, let's do it. Action.

Hi, Oséas. How are you?

You look so strong. Have you been working out?

No, these are my natural muscles. I eat well

and like to practice

aerobic exercises

and that keeps me healthy

and with...

With what? With good...

metabolism.

-Did you wave to the camera? -No, to the people watching.

You can't do that. You have to pretend the camera doesn't exist.

I can't even look at the camera?

That's it for me. I'm just gonna talk to him really quick.

Just a second, okay?

He is the worst actor.

He might be the worst actor in the world.

I feel sorry for him,

because we don't even know if he's actually bad

cause no one ever gave him a chance

to prove he's bad and now we gave him a chance and he proved it.

But we don't have anyone else. Here's the deal, send him home,

-I'm gonna check if there's anyone else. -Okay.

It can't be.

It can't be, man.

It can't be.

Okay, so we'll be in touch if we need you.

The problem is that I had to sell my phone to pay the rent.

So you can give me your e-mail address,

-and we'll send you an e-mail. -That won't work,

because some drag queens broke into my house and took everything,

including the computer, so I can't reply to e-mails.

Drag queens robbed you?

It wasn't exactly a robbery, it was more that they wanted to...

settle a score, you know? Long story.

This story gave me a lot of headache.

So how can we reach you?

You can call The Labour Department, I work there renting out places in line.

There are two girls who work there: Selma...

and I forgot the other one's name. But they work until 2pm.

You can call and say you want to talk to Augusto.

They go grab me at the line, they know me. Everybody knows me, Augusto...

Ferreira. Ferreirinha, Ferreira. And if you guys need anything

in the Labour Department, you can talk to me that I get you in.

Oh, thank you.

You're welcome. I know everybody.

-Augusto, right? -Augusto Ferreira.

-Congratulations, the role is yours. -Fuck!

Welcome.

Fuck.

Give me your credit card, Rosana.

I don't get why Sônia wrote this script, it's disgusting.

-Who's gonna watch this, Erasmo? -Did you know

this is responsible for than more than 70% of online searches?

No, people research sex, not this.

Don't be naive, sweetheart. That's what the media wants you to think.

Who researches sex is not online, is actually having sex.

-This is it. -Okay, what about...

What is...

-"cropophagia"? -Coprophagia.

Which is...

Remember when you told me about your biggest dream

that you wanted it to come true. What was it?

Oh, when I was talking about the chocolate factory, that I see myself

-in a Belgian chocolate river. -In a Belgian chocolate river.

Now imagine you had a very hard childhood,

that you're 47, obese and that you live in a studio apartment in Copacabana

and you watch your neighbors through the blinds.

-And where does the chocolate come in? -Where it comes out

-is what you have to ask. -Gross, Erasmo.

-That's right. -Let's do this.

Forniphilia.

That one... Forni... What is that?

Is when someone gets turned on

seeing someone dressed as a piece of furniture. Like a couch

or a coffee table.

That's Bianca, she lives in Flamengo, Carina's friend. She likes that.

Her nickname is Coffee Table, you can set a glass on her head that it doesn't fall.

I can't believe we're spending money to buy this shit.

Hello?

Hi, Carmen. How are ya? Erasmo.

How long will it take to deliver everything I ordered on the website?

You can't use my credit card for this.

One hour? Excellent. Just a sec.

It has to be on your card,

cause if I make one more purchase on mine I will be considered retailer.

Okay, you can have it delivered to the same address.

Let's start rehearsal, guys.

The scene is on an orgy.

It's pretty straight forward, you have to behave

like you would behave in an orgy.

-I've never done an orgy. -I've done a threesome. Is it the same?

I'm sorry, is this right? I look like a Mad Max extra.

Guys, it's a comedy, okay? It's make believe, you know?

Let's go. One, two, three, action.

-Gee, Marcondes, what's up? -What's up?

-This orgy is on fire! -I'm in the mood

-to get a bukake on my face. -Dude, I want the money shot.

I've found on Google the other day, you gotta see it...

-Fuck, my boss is coming. I'm fucked. -Guys,

I'm a little lost, is my first orgy...

May I watch you guys have sex?

Are you laughing?

This is too funny.

Yeah, but you can't laugh. Actors don't laugh.

-I'm not gonna laugh. -Right?

Hey, buddy.

Focus, buddy.

Unfortunately it didn't work out, another extra is gonna

-have to read his line. -It's okay, it's just one line, poor guy.

Poor guy?

I already feel sorry for myself, I can't feel sorry for him too.

You have to change that, otherwise the video is gonna suck.

Then you're gonna find someone to feel sorry for you, okay?

That's it, I'm done.

-You're super confident with this leotard. -Okay, that's it, enough.

Let's go, guys.

Hello?

Okay. The delivery guy is here. Can you go pick it up?

No. I'm gonna get there and the guy is gonna know it was me.

I don't even buy condoms at the pharmacy.

You want me to go downstairs with your card?

Do I look like Rosana to you?

I already had to pay for this shit, you could, at least, do the dirty work.

Hi. How are you?

Hi. Is everything okay?

I think so. Is the delivery for me?

Yeah, it could be, maybe it could be for you.

-Is there a problem here? -I don't know, is there, miss...

-Rosana, that's me. -Yes, and you ordered...

-May I take my order? -Yes, you may,

miss, but...

I just want to make it clear, if you are a cop,

we have a ruling that allows us to deliver all over Rio.

No.

No, I'm not a cop. Why?

Is there something that is wrong inside this box?

-What do you mean by wrong? -Illegal.

Illegal here in Brazil, or in places like

Canada, United States, Russia, Germany, Guatemala...

Sir, I wanna know if I can purchase this product without getting in trouble.

Sure, you just have to be of age.

-Obviously I'm over 18. -You have to be over 30.

Yep, ever since I became a delivery guy, I found out

things I wish I never had. Sign here.

Right here.

-Excuse me. How is it going? -I just wanna say

that the goods are no longer in my possession.

Well, I don't understand. What was that?

That guys is talking...

to that boy...

How are you? Borges is here, right?

That depends. What for?

-I thought they were filming here. -Oh, you're an extra.

I actually wanted to be an actor, but things didn't work out, now I'm an extra.

-With this outfit? -Well, as an extra

things didn't work out so well either, and I became a city inspector.

City inspector? That's unexpected, so you're

an extra and now you are...

-an inspector? -No.

Actually cause of being an extra I was discovered by a manager that invited me

to be a parte of an axé gospel band. That gave me certain fame, cause I became

a meme that exploded in 2006 on Facebook. Then I tried to run for city council,

but that also didn't work out, because it was in 2008 and there were other memes

that were more successful. So I met some people from the city and here I am.

Look at that! So at the end things...

Ended very badly.

-Gee, Marcondes, what's up? -What's up?

This orgy is on fire!

I'm in the mood to get a bukake

-on my face. -Dude, I want the money shot.

Fuck, my boss is coming. I'm fucked.

Hey. How are you? Oséas. Nice to meet you.

This is my first...

-orgy, I'm a little lost. -Nice to meet you.

-Marcondes. -How are you?

How does it work? Do we organize...

Do we organize... How does it work?

Do we organize the password?

-The pass... No, hold on. -The line is:

"Do we organize the dirty business our way or we get passwords?"

Do we organize the dirty business our way or we get passwords?

-That's right. Nice. Here we go. -What?

-Prize. Good job. One more time. -Just a second, please.

This is so good. So good.

-Are you messing with me? -Why?

You're turning the worst actor in the world into a trained poodle?

-If a trained poodle acts as bad as him. -He's doing his best.

Doing his... And you're giving him more lines, cause he had one now he has two.

Congrats, you're creating a monster.

-Ready? Nice to meet you, Marcondes. -Ready.

Do we organize the password or...

-I got it wrong, Sônia. -Fuck.

That's okay.

-Sônia, no. -Here's what I'm thinking of doing:

Do we organize the dirty business our way or we get passwords?

Nice.

Do you see what's happening? He's doing it wrong on purpose to get a cookie.

Do you? This is the beginning of a development of animal training.

And you're giving him a cookie, and he's making a mistake.

What is your problem, Pablo? Are you jealous?

Are you competing with him? Is that it? Is this an actor thing?

You think I'm jealous of this guy? I'm jealous

of a lot of people, but the only thing I feel for this guy is sorry.

You know why? Because he's one of the few people I'm not jealous of.

And that's why I feel sorry for him.

His situation is very sad. Sad for him.

-Who are waiting for? -You.

Sônia!

We have a nasty situation.

-Another one, actually. -What happened?

There's a guy outside who is gonna fuck everything up.

I'm glad he's here, he's late. He has to dress as torturer...

No, it's the city inspector that's downstairs.

-A real inspector. -We're fucked, we don't have a permit for

-what we're doing. -I don't think there is a permit

-for what is happening here. -But he can't see

that we are no longer an importer and that we are making videos here.

Otherwise we are gonna get a huge fine. Do you know many laws we are breaking?

No, you were supposed to check on that last month. How many?

-I'm asking, I don't know. -Oh, nice!

-The guy is downstairs, what do I do? -There's nothing we can do, we're fucked.

Fuck, can't you see? How are we going to explain

that a company this big only has four employees?

And a lot of actors, extras... How are we going to explain?

Unless we explain to them that we are fucked.

Tell the truth, we are bankrupt, we are trying to get back on our feet...

And it doesn't matter, it's not gonna end well. It's over.

-Hiding the people is not a problem. -No?

The problem is that we don't only have to proof we are still an importer,

we have to proof we don't produce online videos.

Rosana, we've been trying to prove to everyone we are a production company.

Rosana, I know! I had an idea!

Go downstairs and talk to him, stall. I know what we're gonna do.

-Go. -Go.

And here is the finance department.

It's empty because today the finance department is off.

And when will I see people working in there?

Have you ever been to an importer or no?

-No. -Yeah? So

you don't really know exactly how an importer works.

Not exactly.

Not exactly.

So I can assume if you saw a place with...

people... I don't know... wearing

leather outfits, would you think it's an importer?

-No, I don't think so. -No, right?

-No. -What if these people

were not wearing leather outfits, but were holding

whips and paddles on top of desks?

No, I think I can figure out it wouldn't be like that.

Yeah, that's right. So you want to come in

to see our importer.

-No quotes. -Are we gonna keep playing these games?

-What games? -I might be an inspector who got this job

because I became friends with people from the city while I was trying

to be a councilman, because I became a meme sensation cause an axé gospel band

while I was just enjoying life like an extra, but I'm not an idiot.

-And I know what's happening here. -I think you're too...

And here is the office...

-for the management. -What's up, Marcondes?

-What's up? -What's up? The management office

-is on fire! -Tell me about it. I brought

warm bukake...

of vegetables for lunch. How about you?

I bought money shot, man.

It's a food... Really quick.

...originally from the north. It's different kind of cheeses mixed

with seafood. It's really yummy, Marcondes.

It's really good.

-What kinda fucked up script is that? -I'm trying to adapt what we already had.

It was the best I could do.

Look, my boss is coming over. It's him.

What's up, boss? How is it going?

Hello. How is it going?

Oséas, nice to meet you. It's the first time I came into this office

of management. How do things work here?

I'm gonna go into a meeting with a middle aged guy

and a hot brunette in her twenties.

We are gonna have a warm talk between three people about imports.

If you want, you can watch.

-But don't touch. -Just talking about

imports, I get all...

-turned on. -Yes!

-Who is that? -He's...

the vice-president of...

partnership and endomarketing.

Your vice-president doesn't know how an import company works?

Of course he does, but importing is not like math.

Depends on market fluctuation, there are instabilities

with internacional policies. It's not a business so

-direct. -Guys, listen up.

I wanted your attention

to say a few words as vice-president of

endomarketing and partnerships of

Borges Imports. I wanted to say

that it might seen I didn't know...

Didn't know what imports were, but it was a test to see if you,

you knew. A round of applaud to everyone, because

you passed my test.

Open quotes,

"Say round of applause." Say round of applause!

Cheers!

-What are we gonna do? -Stop.

Today we have a gang-bang, you guys!

A new client

that I got. So let's get ready,

because this meeting is gonna last all night.

I wanna see everyone on top of him, we can't give it a rest.

Are you kidding me? Do you want

your trained poodle to destroy everything and ruin it for us?

He's trying to make a living like us.

He has a beautiful story of struggle, drive and

-very little talent. -Sônia, if you feel sorry for him,

take him home. Put him on a warm bed,

but don't give him a two minute monologue

to ruin everything cause you feel sorry.

So, did you like our management office?

This guy looks familiar to me.

Maybe it's from the many

companies he has worked for, he's so experienced.

You also inspect so many companies, maybe you...

-You've seen each other. -I remember him wearing a suit, but

there was something with like milk on his face.

I don't know why I keep thinking he had milk on his face.

Are we really gonna have milk on our faces?

She's always joking around.

Milk in the face? What do you mean? This is...

He's probably confused, right, Rosana? Milk in the face...

Bastard, I bet he's dirty.

Fuck, I can't believe it.

Son of a bitch! I knew it!

I knew it! He's an advertisement actor.

He pretends to suck, cause that's his strategy.

People feel sorry for him, give him more lines, bigger roles. That's it.

Excuse me?

-Are you talking to me? -Why would I be talking to myself?

I don't really know what's happening.

I'm just hiding here, because they lost the key to the lock to the mask.

We, from Borges Imports

are responsible for

transporting people's dreams

from one place to the next. What is your dream, Marcondes?

Transport a box full of things from one place to the next.

Well, we can make your dream come true.

And yours, Jaqueline?

My dream is an interracial.

I meant international. Internacional import.

I don't know if I can do this for much longer.

Yes, Jaqueline, we also do

international imports. We all have

dreams to transport things

to other places. And it is in this atmosphere of relaxation

and with all the permits necessaries

and taxes paid off that I sent

you all to a second

lunch time. Open quotes

"Point to the door."

Excellent. Very good.

I loved your little play, but there's a problem.

You can be anything, except an import company

and I'm gonna give you a fine. That's the most ridiculous

thing I have seen in two years as an inspector.

And the third most ridiculous in the axé gospel band.

And this guy? He's clueless.

This is the worst actor in the history of the performing arts.

And I know what I'm saying, I was also an actor.

I know what's bad, I knew I was bad.

My friends knew they were bad, but this guy

is clueless, he's weak, he's constricted,

mediocre. I'm sorry, buddy.

Quit, this is not for you. You're very bad.

I'm sorry, I think there is a misunderstanding.

First of all, I don't think we were formally introduced.

Nice to meet you, Oséas.

I'm the vice-president of endomarketing and partnership.

I apologize in advance if there was any miscommunication.

I just got back from a trip.

I didn't even go home to see my family. I came straight to work.

We are readjusting certain things.

Do you have a warrant of inspection?

So someone here has a problem and it isn't me.

According to the IRS guidelines, you need a warrant

granted and issued by a judge of law.

-But I thought... -You thought wrong.

So I kindly ask that you request this document and come back

on a more appropriate date. And we would be totally available to talk about this.

Always with the professionalism and the respect that made

Borges Imports one of the biggest names

in global cargo transportation and interracial imports.

Respecting the diversity between our employees

and our cargo. Now I would like a round of applause

for the inspector Camilo Fonseca for the excellent work done

for the law of our country.

Wonderful. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna be in my office.

Okay? Jaqueline, please call the headquarters in Atlanta.

I need to speak to the shareholders. Marcondes,

congrats on the sale with the Chinese.

-No problem. A lot of interracial

and internacional transactions.

Guys, I'm sorry about the misunderstanding.

Have a good day at work. I'm gonna go.

We have a fraud here, you guys.

I bet you thought I wasn't going to find out, right?

Who is Brazil's most awarded advertisement actor?

How is that possible, Erasmo? I'm gonna explain.

Why does he have so many awards? Because he lies.

He pretends to be bad and what happens?

People feel sorry for him. Poor guy!

Let's give him more characters, let's give him more lines.

Right, Sônia? More lines!

And who is this awarded actor because he lies?

Augusto Ferreira.

The fraud.

Buddy, were you saying he's an actor?

An actor, man. That's what I'm saying.

What happened, guys?

Let me explain.

This is a guy we hired. A vice-president of endomarketing

to work here at Borges Imports.

And after we found out

he's an actor pretending to be vice-president. And that's something...

People are capable of anything. But there he is, eight hours a day, three years.

And he was doing a good job, so he stayed.

When the work is good, we let it fly.

And... No one says anything, just me.

Oh, geez.

-Gee, Marcondes, what's up? -What's up?

-This orgy is on fire! -Amazing, right?

So good. Hey!

Look who's coming. My boss!

How are you. Oséas, nice to meet you.

This is my first orgy, I'm a little lost. How does it work?

You're kidding!

Should I talk to them?

Are you crazy?

I don't know how it is here in Venezuela, but in Brazil

if you're in the woods and two armed men show up, you hide.

They don't even have to be armed and you don't have to be in the woods.

But here they are our only option.

But I don't know if they are drug dealers.

-What do you mean? -They could be cops.

Duck.

They could be hunters too.

You're not helping. Listen,

these drug dealers as a sport,

they shoot to kill.