Original subtitles

- Me and your mom wannna talk to you.

- Here it comes.

Better brace yourself. - We are...

- Please God, no. - ...staying here.

- [screams] My life is over.

You and Dad need to get it together!

- You better hold me... whoa!

- Boy, if you had talked to me like that,

I'da hooked you to death.

- I know you're having a hard time.

If we have to move here, I'm all for it.

- Man, you just go with the flow.

- Is his... ass crying? - No!

- Your father feels really bad that he can't provide for us.

This could be a second chance for him.

- Fine, I'll stay here.

- My girl! Yah!

- Wow. Baby?

- Huh? - [chuckles]

It's gonna cost a arm... [laughs]

...and a leg to get this place open.

- Don't. Don't say that. - Arm and a leg.

What? It's true!

- Baby, that's just, like, in poor taste, okay?

- Alright, whatever. My bad.

- So?

How much we talkin'?

- [sighs] If my estimates are right,

it's gonna be probably, like, 40 thou.

- W-w-w-hat?

- Yeah, we could burn this ...down for less than that.

- What? - Yeah, and guess what?

We don't have that.

- But, I mean, you know, maybe we can, um...

- I don't know what you thinking,

but I'm not shaking my ass around here to make no money.

- Ahh, we can get our... you can get your Magic Mike on, boy.

Let me see. Go on, do the thing right there.

Ooh, ooh!

- That's just for you. - Oh, okay.

[laughs] Oh!

Okay, so, I mean, maybe we can take on a partner.

- Ain't nobody investing in this raggedy-ass place.

Look at this.

- Um, maybe we can, um, ask somebody from the church.

- Like who? - Maybe Deacon Brown.

He used to have an old folks home.

- Nah, nah, uh-uh, nah. - No? Baby, why not?

- No. - Why?

- He didn't have no old folks home.

He had seven people living with him.

That ain't no retirement home.

- Kind of like the same thing. I mean, it worked.

I mean, should we call him?

- Mmm, he's just so...

- What? - He's a Bama.

- Baby, you need to be careful. - He's country. He's country.

You know that. He's a bumpkin.

- You know we in the country.

Talkin' about these people.

- Yeah, but do you really think he has that kind of money?

- I mean, I don't know, but I can call him.

- What you mean, call him?

- I mean, call... - You got his number?

- No, mm-mm.

I'm... Imma call his daughter, Cora.

That's who Imma call.

- Yeah, way to clean that up.

- Okay.

Yup, Imma call her. [giggles]

I mean, it won't hurt to ask her, right?

You know?

- Alright, fine.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

But... you think we doin' the right thing?

- Yes.

- You say that so quickly.

- 'Cause I mean it.

- Thank you.

- For?

Mm. - For loving me.

- Mm.

I love you too, baby.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Well, guess what? - Hm?

- If we don't get this place up and running real quick,

we gon' be loving each other in the streets.

- Oof! - Mm-hmm.

But you do like doing it outside, though, so, you know?

- You know I'm a old exhibitionist, honey.

- You so... you so nasty.

- But my knees can't handle the concrete like they used to.

- BOTH: [laughing]

- Ah.

- You can do this, baby. Right?

You can make this work. It's gon' be a success, watch.

- From your lips... to God's ears.

- A-a-amen. Oh, oh!

Come on, somebody! Ooh!

He coming on! Ooh!

{n8} - ?

{n8}? No matter what you do, I love you ?

{n8} ? No matter where you go

{n8} ? I'm behind you for sure

{n8}? Always remember, Blood ain't ever water ?

{n8}? We'll make it if we stay together ??

- ?

- Man, I didn't realize this sofa was so nice.

Maybe I need to put plastic on my stuff at home.

[sighs]

- VINNY: [chuckles]

Damn, boy, what you doin'?

- Cleaning up.

- Well, I can see that, but why?

- What do you mean, why?

- I mean, uh, why you doin' it by yourself?

- Well, FYI, I like the quiet time.

- [laughs] Boy, that's bullshit.

- What? - Look at here, boy.

This is too much damn work for one person.

- Oh, well, I'm glad you up. You can help.

- Shit!

My back hurt.

Why don't you get them, ah... them, ah...

- My kids? - VINNY: Yeah.

What, uh... yeah, them little bastards?

Get them up and make them help you.

- Grandpa, It's 6 a.m.

- Man, what the hell that mean?

Boy, when I was them kids' age a long time ago,

we did more before 6 a.m. than most people did all day.

- Ain't that the slogan for the Navy?

- Yeah, well, they... they... They stole it from me.

Bastards.

- Alright, okay, fine. I'll get 'em up.

- No, hold up. I'll get their ass up.

No, don't worry about it. No, no, no, no...

- Hold... hold on. Hold on, man. Hold on.

I want to talk to you. - About what?

- Well, I did a little math.

- Oh, hell. - What?

- Everybody know your ass can't count.

- Look, man. I did some math,

and I'm thinking it's gonna cost about 40,000

to get this place fixed up.

- Bullshit!

Dollars? - Yeah.

- Well, you ain't gonna get it from me.

- Man, what are you talking about?

- Look, boy, we can do all this work myself.

I can do everything in here, man.

- You don't have no contractor's license.

- Well, I don't need a contractor's license.

I'm a rebel!

- Look, if you gonna be in this business,

you need to get a license.

- I don't have a driver's license,

been driving for 42 years.

All of a sudden I need a license?

Man, I'm a rebel. Power to the people.

- Okay, alright. Well, the people have spoken,

and we gotta fix this place the right way.

And the plumbing is a mess.

- Oh, oh, oh, I got a problem with that.

We can solve that. We can solve that problem.

Bucket, bitches!

- [gulps] - VINNY: [laughs]

- You know, you cannot be serious, man.

- No, I'm very serious. Here's how it works.

Y'all use it and them kids get up and dump it out.

- That... that...

You know that's disgusting, right?

I see, ah... I see there's no talking to you.

- No, there's no talking to them lazy-ass kids of yours.

- Look, look, will you just let my kids sleep?

- No, Imma wake their ass up.

- But... hey, what are you doing?

- I'm fittin' pull... I'm... I'm fittin' pull this fire alarm.

That'll get their ass up. - No, don't do that.

- No, no, no, too late! Look! Look, look, look!

- Look, it don't even work.

- Well, I'll be damned. - Mm-hmm.

- Hey, hey! There's a fire! Fire!

And... and fire! Fire!

Hey, you bitches! Wake your ass up!

Your old ass wanna burn up?

- Look, Grandpa, if you're trying to use your hands

as a megaphone...

you need two hands.

- Well, the sound go on that side anyway.

- JEREMY: And... and either way, that's electrical issues, man.

I plugged up the refrigerator and the damn dishwasher came on.

- You got to do 'em one at a time, son.

- And half the lights ain't workin' in the room.

- Okay, problem solved.

Check it out, check it out, check it out.

Look at here.

Candles. Ha, ha!

- Yo, you gotta be kidding me. - No, boy.

Add a little ambiance to the place.

Make this place sexy for the seniors.

[chuckles]

- Uh, well, you know what?

That sound like a hot mess to me.

- Yeah, it is.

Ain't nothin' like some old hot sex.

[chuckles] - Stop it!

- It's sloppy, but it works.

- We are not using candles for light.

- Boy, there you go.

Doin' every damn thing by the book.

- We gotta get that fixed.

- Alright, but you must have a lot of money.

- That's what I want to talk to you about.

- What? - We gon' need more money.

- Well, then, what we need to do

is sell some of this weed in the backyard, boy.

- We are not selling drugs.

- Well, then how in the hell we gonna raise 40 stacks?

Boom, boom, boom.

- Leah knows somebody at the church...

- Oh hell no. - What?

- No, I'm not going to visit nobody at the church!

I ain't going in business with no damn Christian!

- Well... you do realize that me and my wife are Christians.

- You know what? I have reached my quota.

- Will you stop it?

- Look, boy, let me tell you something.

The last thing, the very last thing you wanna do in life

is go into business with a damn Christian.

- Will you stop it?

We do business with Christians all the time.

- And I bet they mess everything up, don't they?

- Not the ones I worked with. They had great integrity.

- Well, the ones I worked with had no integrity.

You must've been working with the one who put the "Christ"

in "Christians."

- Okay, so what happened with the ones you worked with?

- Okay, let me tell you what happened.

I tell ya...

I... I called on the phone, right?

Said she could do everything. Do it all.

She did it all. No problem.

"Can you?" "Yeah." "Can you?" "Yeah."

"Can you?" "Yeah, I can do that."

When she got over here, all she could do was missionary.

- Man, what... what is wrong with you, man?

You are nuts! - VINNY: [chuckles]

- What are you talking about?

- I'm talking about the hooker I hired.

- Hey, I'm done talking to you.

- No, no, no, no, wait. She was a Christian.

- Okay, well, then, she needs to check her walk with God,

'cause that don't sound right.

- You want me to call her? She'll do a two-fer.

- Will you... will you stop it?

We gonna meet with the man to see what he got to say.

He ran his own place, so we gon' see how it go.

How bad could it be?

- Okay, I'll tell ya how bad it can be.

All he gonna know how to do is missionary.

- Hey, honey. - LEAH: Hey.

- Uh, did you talk to him? - I did.

- Okay, and what did he say?

- Uh, he said he would be right up.

- Does he live near here?

- No, but he said he didn't mind driving, so...

- Okay. - Mm, uh... uh, who is this?

- Grandpa, I told you, I'm having somebody from the church

come over here today.

- Oh, no, you can't have no Christian come over here 'cause,

now... they gonna wanna send me to hell.

You know what I would tell 'em? You're damn right.

- Okay... - What?

- Yeah, that's what they wanna do.

As soon as they come over here and they see me,

they say, "You goin' to hell."

- Grandpa, well, you are sitting there in red

looking like the devil. - Mmm...

- You got a point there, son.

- Okay. - No, I'm telling you.

Christians... - Hey!

- What?

- We're Christians, Grandpa Vinny.

- VINNY: Well, you let me tell you something.

You might be a Christian, but his heathen ass

ain't never been to church in a long-ass time.

- Oh.

- The last time he been to church,

it was a strip club called The Church.

- Grandpa...

- Holy Poly.

- Oh.

- Grandpa! - What?

- I am a Christian.

- Yeah, well, let me say something to you, son.

Christians don't go around grabbing old men by the neck...

- [laughs]

-... cutting their hand off...

- Whoa.

- ...sewing it back on, picking him up,

and throwing their ass over the couch!

Where do you see that in the Bible?

- Why is he still talking about this?

Look, man, that was an accident, alright?

Stop! - You know what?

I should've let the police take your ass.

- JEREMY: Mm-hmm.

And I should've let them take you for that weed.

- Mm! - VINNY: Hey, hey, hey,

hey, hey! Boy, don't you say nothin'

about my plants in the backyard.

That is a gift from God.

- Uh... - Okay.

- That's the only thing that's keeping y'all alive.

- I'm just saying...

- And speaking of this, what is this "Christian"...

gonna say about my plants?

- Baby... baby, did he just do air quotes with a hook?

- Yeah, I think so. Mm-hmm.

- If he says anything about my plants in the backyard,

his ass is outta here.

- Look, you need the money. - Hm.

- How do you know that?

- Do you have $40,000?

- Shit, I ain't got $4.

- Exactly.

- Does he? - Yes.

- How the hell you know that?

- Babe, he got $40,000?

- I don't know. We didn't get that far.

- What do you mean, [indistinct mumbling]?

- I was gonna let him come over here and see this place first.

- You about to let a Jesus joker come up in here

and you don't know if he got the money?

- [grunts]

- I don't like this shit at all.

- And don't use that language when he comes over here, okay?

- I can't make no damn promises.

I don't change who the hell I am for nobody.

- Grandpa, well, it's either that

or you come up with the money. - Okay, he can come over here.

But if he says anything about these plants, his ass is...

- Hello!

- Oh, hell no!

- Why are you using such, uh... such bad language?

- Not this clown!

- Okay, who are you calling a clown?

And I don't know you.

- I'm calling you a clown.

- You don't call me... I don't know you like that.

You don't call me no clown. Who are you calling a clown?

Who... who are you?

- You don't remember me?

- Yes, I remember you. You the devil.

He going to hell. - What did I tell ya?

What did I tell ya? See, what I tell ya?

"Going to hell," soon as he came in here.

- I don't know you. Who are you?

- Just in case you want to know, I am Vinny.

- Well, I am Leroy D. Brown.

The "D" is for "Don't care."

Is... is he supposed to be famous or something?

- You the one that was messing around with my wife.

- What are you talking about? - Go ahead, tell her.

- Tell her what? I don't know you.

I don't know her. I don't know you,

I don't know you, and I don't know you.

- It was you I walked in on you, and you was kissing her.

- What? - VINNY: Yes.

It was at the county fair.

Uh, it was in... it was in Greenville.

And the year was 19... 40... no.

19... 30... no.

It was 1966!

- So you mean to tell me at your old age,

you can remember way back like that?

- Yes, I can.

- Grandpa, that was over 50 years ago.

How do you even remember that, huh?

- That's easy. I smoke weed.

- I told y'all he on that narcotic.

He on that PPP.

- I don't want nothin' from you.

- And I don't want nothin' from you!

- And I don't want nothin' from you!

- And I didn't want nothin' from you!

- She had on a red lace dress, uh, uh, uh... and... and... and, uh,

you had on a... a yellow... A yellow cowboy hat!

And... and you had on some tight-ass jeans.

Before you started wearing that stuff there.

And you had on cowboy... Them boots right there!

Them the boots!

Those are the boots!

- A yellow cowboy hat?

- Nuh-uh.

First of all, I ain't got no yellow cowboy hat.

- Mmm. - Uh-uh.

- And you had a belt buckle.

Yeah, you had a belt buckle that said, uh, "Hug me, Jesus."

Um, "Ride me around or something, Jesus."

Uh, take me to the... "Drop kick me, Jesus"!

- That's my...

It was sharp!

I had it gold.

And I had cross on it, and Jesus was like this...

Just like that, yeah. - Oh, I bet that was nice.

- It was you!

- Wait. - Yeah.

You remember now.

- Oh lord, heavens, uh...

- What? What? What?

- Are you talking about, uh, Louie...

Luann? Louie? Lou... Lou...

- Louise. - Louise?

- Yes.

Yeah, that's him. Imma kill him.

- Oh, no.

- Okay, man, look, Imma tell you.

You got to let that go!

- I ain't got to let a damn thing go.

- Okay, look!

That was over 50 years ago!

- And I said to myself, "Hey, self, if you ever see him again,

kick his ass!"

- And I said to myself... And my self said, "Huh?"

I said, "You ain't finna kick my...

beep!"

- I'm gonna kick your beep!

And your beep, too!

- Okay, I tell y'all what. Y'all better get him,

'cause he ain't finna kick none of mine.

- Ain't nobody gotta get me.

- Calm down. - No, no, no, no.

I ain't even calmed up yet.

- Baby, would you please get your grandfather!

- Get your grandfather! - Grandpa! Grandpa, stop it!

- No, I want his ass outta here.

- Mis-Mis-Mister Brown? - Go on and get out of here.

He's a homewrecker.

- Well, fine! - VINNY: Fine!

- Good! - Good!

- Bye! - Bye bye!

- Well, bye, bye, bye!

- What am I listening to? An NSYNC concert or something?

- Well, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye! - LEAH: Oh!

- Talk to the hook! Poof, be gone!

- Well, you know what?

I'll leave as soon as my daughter get here.

I done drove all the way down here and I'm not leaving 'til

my daughter get here.

- Your daughter? - Yes, my daughter.

- Your daughter? - Yeah, my daughter.

- VINNY: Your daughter? - Yeah, my daughter!

- You ain't gotta wait for no damn body.

- Well, you know what? - Get your ass on out of here.

- Well, I'll get myself out of here 'cause I've been kicked out

of better trash than this! - [screams]

- [stutters] Mr. Brown, please, okay? Don't go.

Please?

- He started with me. - He started with me.

- Well, he started with me first.

- Mr. Brown?

- That's alright.

That's... that's alright, that's alright.

? That's alright - LEAH: Oh!

That's alright,

'cause that's the night I got even with you anyway.

- What?

- Oh. - What are you talking about?

- Ye-e-e-ah.

You remember that big-old tall tree stripper

you was messin' around with?

About yay wide, yay tall?

Six-foot six all the way around.

- Ain't nobody like that but Mabel.

- That's her name.

Mabel Molasses.

Molasses for a reason.

- LEAH: Oh. - 'Cause she sticky.

- Eww. - [gasps]

- That's right, I got even.

You kissed my girl and I slept with yours.

That's right, I was spanking, spanking, spanking...

- Hey, would y'all please stop?

Man, y'all sound like two children.

- Well, he started with me.

And what night you talkin' about?

- That's the night you remember. You remember.

- Oh, lord, are you...

You talking about the night... the prom?

Right after the prom, y'all...

- What are we talking about?

- You know what? A few months later,

Madea came and told me she was pregnant!

- Oh, hell no!

- And you look just like Cora!

- No, I don't!

- You know I can see you! - No, you can't!

- Okay, by a show of hand, who can see him?

- Oh, that's low. That's low.

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