Original subtitles

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

? On the shore by the sea ?

? By the way, by tomorrow by this time we'll be ?

? On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ?

? We will walk in a dream ?

? On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ?

? Life will be peaches and cream ?

Are we leavin' on time tonight, Pee-Wee?

There's your change. There's your mints.

Gee, thanks. Would you give this to our waitress please?

- Yeah, sure. No problem. - Thank you very much. Come on sweetheart.

Can we have the check?

Okay. Just a sec, miss.

? Down on the old New Jersey shore ?

Mighty good java. Hey, could you top it off, please, honey?

Sure.

? By this time we'll be ?

? On the boardwalk in Atlantic City ?

? La da-da da-da-da-da ?

? In romantic, enchanted, Atlantic City ?

? Down on the old New Jersey shore ?

Here. Let me get that door for you.

Thank you, Tina.

[ Toilet Flushes ]

Lois, you're gonna have to come in in the mornin'.

In? Here?

No, Buckingham Palace. You're serving tea to the queen.

Yeah, here. You have to open up in the morning.

And don't leave those dishes in the sink overnight.

They'll stink the place up to high heaven.

Don't forget to take out the garbage. Let's go, honey.

But tomorrow is my day off.

Tina, you work tomorrow, right?

Tina's ain't coming in. Her sister's in town.

They're gonna go to the boardwalk and play the slots.

But-But-But tomorrow's my anniversary, Leo.

Herbert and I have been married for 10 years.

So bring Herbie in and have a slab of meat loaf on me, huh?

I can't do it.

I just can't.

Well, maybe you don't need this job.

Yeah, why don't you quit, Lois?

I hear they're hiring exotic dancers at Caesar's Palace.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Man ] Last call for New York.

[ Woman ] We're still waiting for the check.

The bus is leaving.

[ Sighs ] I'll be right there.

So, you coming in or what?

I'll be in.

All right. Don't forget to take out the garbage.

- [ Cat Yowls ] - [ Dog Barks ]

Hi, Lo.

Herbert, what are you doing up so late?

Oh, Mr. Eines made me take some work home.

I gotta get General Custer's head fixed and back on his shoulders...

before the museum opens in the morning.

Oh.

- What time is it? - Oh, midnight.

- [ Sighs ] - Herbie, I have something for you.

Come on.

- What? What? - Now wait right here.

- What is it? - Open it.

It's your anniversary present.

Tonight?

I thought it was tomorrow.

Oh.

Lois, I didn't...

uh, bring your present home.

- [ Sighs ] - I was going to give it to you tomorrow night after dinner.

- Leo's making me work. - But we had plans!

I tried to talk him out of it, and he was gonna fire me.

That louse.

Well, never mind about him now. Just open your present.

"To Herbert, the world's greatest husband.

Happy Tenth Anniversary."

Oh.

Come on, honey. It's our anniversary.

I know.

Don't you find me attractive anymore?

Of course I do, Herbie. [ Chuckles ]

I'm just so darn tired. Aren't you?

No! I'm wide awake.

I'd love to make love to you.

What about General Custer's head?

He can watch.

But my hair smells like cheeseburgers,

and my hands are like pine cones,

and my feet are swollen bigger than basketballs.

Excuses, excuses.

Don't you think it's important for us both to be in the mood?

Don't worry about it, I got enough mood to go around.

Oh, Herbert, I gotta go to sleep.

On second thought, I better get Custer's eyeballs in.

[ Gargling, Spits ]

I really mean what it says on that trophy, Herbert.

[ Herbert ] I'm at my wit's end, Blaze.

Lois gave me this really great trophy.

She's so sweet. If I could just afford something nice for her.

Get her posies. Women go berserk for posies.

Believe me. I know.

Yeah, but good flowers cost a bundle these days.

Not if you time it right.

Pop over to the cemetery after work.

Wait until some poor, grieving sucker drops a bushel of daisies...

on their dear departed.

Then snatch 'em up and take them home to the missus.

I guarantee you, the dead guy ain't gonna mind.

Pass.

Suit yourself. But it worked for me.

I once brought this belle of mine...

a beautiful horseshoe made out of roses.

And boy, was she grateful. [ Whistles ]

[ Blaze Whistles ]

[ Gasps ]

[ Squeals ]

Herbert, a wedding ring!

A last, my own ring! It's all I've ever dreamed of.

Oh, Herbert!

How could you afford such a gorgeous thing?

That's my little secret.

Happy anniversary, babe.

Do you like it?

Like it? I love it!

Would you?

[ Gasps, Giggles ]

[ Moans ]

[ Moans ]

[ Growls ]

[ Grunting, Gasping ]

Wow.

That's only the beginning, lover boy.

You, me-- bedroom,

five minutes.

Be there.

[ Panting ]

You're a maniac.

I know.

So don't desert me now, you towering inferno.

Lois, please, have mercy on me, will ya?

I'm gonna come, and I'm gonna get you!

No, no.

[ Groaning ]

More...

more...

more.

[ Snores ]

More, mor-- [ Snores ]

More.

[ Man's Voice ] You, the faint of heart, beware.

You may pass through this portal, but you may never return.

[ Blaze ] Mr. Eines, I can't find that ring anywhere.

I looked high and low. I'm really sorry.

Good morning, Herbert. Give us a hand with the lady.

- I-- - You unpacked the jewelry for this exhibit.

- Wasn't there a ring in the box? - A ring?

You mean like a little gold ring with designs?

No, no.

Be careful, Herbert.

Lift her up very gently.

She's some cute cookie.

Three times married. Three times a murderer.

She knocked them all off the same way.

She was as clever with her blades...

as Baryshnikov is with his toe shoes.

I got her jewelry. I couldn't get her knives.

Uh, Mr. Eines, you said that the jewelry on this wax figure--

Genuine article. Her very own things.

A collector from Philadelphia bought them at an estate sale.

The Black Widow.

She's not up there.

Well, then she's dead. I know Lois.

If she's not here and she hasn't called in yet, she's got to be dead.

Oh, well.

What's the matter? Lunch crowd got you down?

Where the hell have you been?

Better stay away from those french fries, honey.

Your hips are getting a tad lumpy.

- Leo! - What is with you?

- Get to work. - Not today.

Gee, it's hot in here.

[ Sighs ]

I just stopped by to say I quit.

You can't quit. You can't leave us here with all these customers.

Oh, Leo, you have such an amusing little mind.

I believe this is yours.

Ciao.

Whoa, ho, ho, ho, ho.

- Let's not be so hasty. - Maybe we could, uh, work something out.

Not this trip, big boy.

But I'll keep you in mind.

Bye, Tina. Don't let him work you too hard,

if you know what I mean.

Don't look now, but you're stepping on your tongue!

- What do you mean? - "Maybe we could work something out."

That's just business talk, baby!

- Just business talk! - Don't you ever touch me again.

Come on. Gimme a break, will ya, huh?

Daughter of an Italian fisherman--

Her second husband got a meat cleaver right between the eyes?

This woman is a major psycho.

My Lois isn't. She could never--

[ Gasps ] Oops. It slipped.

I'm sorry, poopy. I almost took your ear off.

Lemme kiss it and make it all better.

Lois, I thought you had to work tonight.

- I quit. - You quit?

Come on, honey.

Let's celebrate.

[ Panting ]

Lois, a-all these knives?

I don't know, Herbert. I woke up this morning,

and I had this incredible urge to go out and buy cutlery.

Aren't they beautiful?

Ta-da.

Herbie, I'm making up a special, sexy dinner tonight.

Sliced steak, scallions, red peppers and...

hot sauce, Herbie.

No, no, no! No-No passion. No kissing.

I mean, what's the rush?

I wouldn't want you to get tired of having me around.

Oh, don't be a goose, Herbert. I could never grow tired of you.

I adore you.

Sure, like your other husbands.

What other husbands, dearest?

Huh? I didn't say "other husbands."

I said, "I'd sure like some Hubbard squash."

- We're having zucchini tonight. - [ Gasps ]

Mmm.

Listen, Lois, take the ring off and give it to me.

You know what I forgot?

A special inscription.

Um, "To Lois with all my love, Herbert."

All that wouldn't fit on a ring, Herbie.

Then just "Love, Herbert" and the date.

Come on. Give it to me. The guy's waiting for it.

[ Clicks Tongue ] Herbert, I don't need an inscription.

I know you gave it to me with love.

And I never, ever want to take it off for as long as I live.

Fine for you, but what about me?

Oh, Herbert, we're gonna have a hot night tonight.

I am going to love you to death!

Oh, Herbie.

Herbie-Werbie.

Oh, my little ripe tomato.

[ Gasps ]

- [ Gasps ] - [ Grunts ]

Lover boy.

Lois, stay away from me.

You don't seem to trust me, Herbert.

You know what Mama always said.

Once the trust goes out of a relationship--

- Lois, no, no! - Send 'em to the worm farm!

Lois, Lois, Lois. It's this ring. There's a curse on it.

- Put a cork in it! - [ Herbert Gasps ]

[ Herbert Grunting ] No. No.

Herbie, remember your wedding vows.

You promised to love, honor and serve...

as a pin cushion!

[ Screams ] Lois! No. No. No.

[ Growls ]

Herbert, you're being a bore about this.

Stay back! No!

[ Speaks Italian ]

Lois, you're speaking Italian!

I'm gonna chop your head off.

Herbie, you're going to make such good steak tartar.

Herbie?

[ Groans ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Gasps ]

Herbert, what are we doing?

Lolo? Lolo.

[ Murmuring ] Oh.

It's-- It's this ring.

I didn't have an anniversary present for you,

so I stole it from the museum.

Look at what I'm wearing.

- Ooh! - Yeah, it's the ring.

It makes you very passionate,

and you wind up killing your mate.

[ Sighs ]

Look at me. Capri slacks!

This is so unlike me.

I feel like I'm someplace exotic...

like... Miami.

Oh, Herbert. Look at my hair. I love it!

It's very beautiful.

Do you really think so?

- I love you. - I love you too, Lolo.

[ Chuckles ]

Tickly feathers... and candles.

You think of everything.

Oh, you man.

We don't need this anymore.

[ Grunts ]

Well, hello there.

Mmm. This oughta shut her up.

For me? Really?

[ Chuckles ] Does this mean it's official?

Just gimme your hand.

[ Giggles ]

[ Leo Moans, Screams ]

We're not the only ones having fun tonight, Herb.

[ Giggles ]