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TAJ: The legendary Van Wilderwas my mentor.
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00:00:19,924 --> 00:00:22,722
He enabled me to become the king of coolat Coolidge College.
3
00:00:22,827 --> 00:00:26,092
Thanks to his many insightful life lessons,like, "Two's company,
4
00:00:26,197 --> 00:00:29,030
"and three is only goodif there's no class the next day. "
5
00:00:29,134 --> 00:00:32,695
I'm now going to England to take the pathof another great man, my father,
6
00:00:32,804 --> 00:00:36,331
and continue my academic studiesat Camford University.
7
00:00:36,441 --> 00:00:36,541
After pursuing my degree in history,
I'll go ahead
8
00:00:36,541 --> 00:00:40,409
After pursuing my degree in history,
I'll go ahead
9
00:00:40,512 --> 00:00:44,312
and get a minor in major muff-munching.
10
00:00:44,416 --> 00:00:47,283
You're not listening to anything
I'm saying, are you?
11
00:00:47,385 --> 00:00:52,914
Not a word,
Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching.
12
00:00:53,591 --> 00:00:57,027
- FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?
- Yes, I'll have the chicken, please.
13
00:00:57,395 --> 00:00:58,987
Enjoy your meal.
14
00:01:00,131 --> 00:01:02,725
- Thank you very much.
- You're welcome.
15
00:01:02,934 --> 00:01:04,231
All right.
16
00:01:04,335 --> 00:01:06,360
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish?
MAN: Chicken.
17
00:01:07,872 --> 00:01:09,339
- Excuse me.
- Yes?
18
00:01:09,441 --> 00:01:12,171
Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade
Bombay Hot Sauce?
19
00:01:12,544 --> 00:01:13,704
No way, you know it?
20
00:01:14,245 --> 00:01:17,373
Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed
with lime juice, vinegar, onions and salt.
21
00:01:17,482 --> 00:01:19,245
From the great Calcutta Salt Lake?
22
00:01:19,984 --> 00:01:21,008
Would you like some?
23
00:01:23,855 --> 00:01:25,049
Sorry. I'm so clumsy.
24
00:01:26,024 --> 00:01:27,355
(MOANING)
25
00:01:33,932 --> 00:01:37,800
Sorry. I have this thing for spices.
26
00:01:38,570 --> 00:01:40,561
(STAMMERING) You have "a thing"?
27
00:01:42,974 --> 00:01:44,032
Well...
28
00:01:50,782 --> 00:01:53,751
You want some of this, don't you,
you dirty little whore?
29
00:01:55,820 --> 00:01:56,980
(MOANING)
30
00:01:58,990 --> 00:01:59,957
Come and get it.
31
00:02:04,562 --> 00:02:06,029
(GROANING)
32
00:02:07,565 --> 00:02:08,896
Don't stop.
33
00:02:12,737 --> 00:02:13,931
Don't stop.
34
00:02:18,643 --> 00:02:19,940
Don't stop.
35
00:02:22,680 --> 00:02:23,942
(UNZIPPING)
36
00:02:27,118 --> 00:02:29,678
- I said, "Don't stop."
- Okay, okay.
37
00:02:29,787 --> 00:02:31,084
Not stopping.
38
00:02:33,224 --> 00:02:36,751
Oh, yeah? Yeah?
You like hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie?
39
00:02:38,997 --> 00:02:41,522
Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot.
40
00:02:42,367 --> 00:02:44,062
Oh, that's actually...
41
00:02:44,169 --> 00:02:45,568
(SCREAMING)
42
00:02:50,642 --> 00:02:52,633
(BOYS WILL BE BOYS PLAYING)
43
00:03:29,047 --> 00:03:31,481
Smell that, Balzac?
44
00:03:31,583 --> 00:03:34,416
That is the aroma of higher education.
45
00:03:35,353 --> 00:03:39,619
The aroma of young minds
absorbing knowledge. The aromas...
46
00:03:40,391 --> 00:03:41,415
Yes.
47
00:03:42,060 --> 00:03:43,925
The aroma of that, too.
48
00:03:44,996 --> 00:03:47,191
Let us make haste, my friend,
49
00:03:47,532 --> 00:03:50,968
to the fraternal house
where my family name became legend.
50
00:03:51,069 --> 00:03:52,263
Come on.
51
00:03:52,704 --> 00:03:55,264
(BOYS WILL BE BOYS
CONTINUES PLAYING)
52
00:04:13,658 --> 00:04:15,683
"May driving on the wrong side
of the road,
53
00:04:15,793 --> 00:04:17,454
"lead you down the right path.
54
00:04:17,795 --> 00:04:19,626
"Write that down. Van."
55
00:04:48,226 --> 00:04:50,194
Well, well, well. What do we have here?
56
00:04:50,428 --> 00:04:52,293
- Percy?
- 2:30...
57
00:04:53,331 --> 00:04:54,457
Taj Mahal
58
00:04:56,501 --> 00:04:57,661
Badalandabad.
59
00:04:58,536 --> 00:04:59,662
Wow.
60
00:05:00,772 --> 00:05:02,637
It's even more magnificent
than I imagined it.
61
00:05:03,508 --> 00:05:04,770
Isn't that right, Balzac?
62
00:05:05,476 --> 00:05:06,465
Balzac?
63
00:05:07,211 --> 00:05:10,442
Oh, shit! Balzac, that's no way
to make a first impression.
64
00:05:10,715 --> 00:05:11,739
Lick it up.
65
00:05:14,819 --> 00:05:17,686
- Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
- Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.
66
00:05:38,076 --> 00:05:39,566
Good afternoon.
67
00:05:40,278 --> 00:05:43,111
Pip Everett, Earl of Grey. How do you do?
68
00:05:43,214 --> 00:05:45,205
I do very well, thank you.
69
00:05:45,350 --> 00:05:47,580
Splendid. How may we help you?
70
00:05:47,819 --> 00:05:51,255
My name is Taj Mahal Badalandabad,
your newest and proudest member.
71
00:05:51,356 --> 00:05:53,415
Fantastic. Fantastic.
72
00:05:53,891 --> 00:05:54,859
- Come and meet the guys.
- Sure.
73
00:05:54,859 --> 00:05:56,087
- Come and meet the guys.
- Sure.
74
00:05:57,195 --> 00:05:58,526
This is incredible.
75
00:05:58,629 --> 00:06:01,757
The oldest and finest fraternal guild
in all of England.
76
00:06:01,866 --> 00:06:04,096
You know, I've been dreaming of this day
since I was a boy.
77
00:06:04,202 --> 00:06:05,669
- Champagne?
- Thank you.
78
00:06:05,770 --> 00:06:08,796
Since my father, Dilip,
who was known by his fellow Hounds
79
00:06:08,906 --> 00:06:10,931
as the Womb Broom Badalandabad,
80
00:06:11,042 --> 00:06:12,100
(MEN LAUGHING)
81
00:06:12,210 --> 00:06:15,577
Would tell me stories about his time here
during the swinging '60s.
82
00:06:21,119 --> 00:06:22,780
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
83
00:06:24,088 --> 00:06:27,319
Quiet. Quiet, quiet, please.
84
00:06:27,759 --> 00:06:31,058
Now, it has been enjoyable
85
00:06:31,496 --> 00:06:33,396
shagging all of you groovy chicks.
86
00:06:33,498 --> 00:06:37,628
But the further spreading
of my baby gravy
87
00:06:37,802 --> 00:06:39,633
will have to wait.
88
00:06:39,737 --> 00:06:41,204
(GIRLS SCREAMING)
89
00:06:41,305 --> 00:06:42,670
Good show. Good show.
90
00:06:42,774 --> 00:06:44,867
And we're equally excited
to have you as one of our members.
91
00:06:44,976 --> 00:06:46,000
Welcome.
92
00:06:46,110 --> 00:06:47,270
Ladies, perhaps you could show
93
00:06:47,378 --> 00:06:50,643
Sir Womb Broom the Second
to his new room.
94
00:06:50,748 --> 00:06:52,010
- Our pleasure.
- Our pleasure.
95
00:06:52,116 --> 00:06:53,777
Thank you, ladies.
96
00:06:55,720 --> 00:06:59,713
You know,
something about you reminds me of you.
97
00:06:59,824 --> 00:07:00,916
Why?
98
00:07:01,025 --> 00:07:03,425
- PIP: Mr. Badalandabad?
- Yes?
99
00:07:03,694 --> 00:07:06,754
- Might I see your acceptance letter?
- Sure.
100
00:07:10,001 --> 00:07:11,298
Thank you.
101
00:07:11,903 --> 00:07:14,463
Usually put them
in the scrapbook or something?
102
00:07:15,006 --> 00:07:16,598
No. Not usually.
103
00:07:17,108 --> 00:07:18,405
- Oh, dear.
- What's wrong?
104
00:07:18,509 --> 00:07:20,272
This is very awkward.
105
00:07:20,378 --> 00:07:22,278
There seems to have been
a terrible mistake.
106
00:07:23,114 --> 00:07:24,979
Typographical, you see.
107
00:07:25,383 --> 00:07:28,477
This letter's supposed to say
that you've not been accepted.
108
00:07:29,086 --> 00:07:30,610
- What?
- I'm very sorry.
109
00:07:31,122 --> 00:07:33,283
But please do pop in any time
and say hello.
110
00:07:33,391 --> 00:07:35,552
But my father went here. I'm a legacy.
111
00:07:35,660 --> 00:07:37,150
Where else would you expect me to go?
112
00:07:37,261 --> 00:07:39,422
Well, I do see your quandary, old boy.
113
00:07:39,730 --> 00:07:43,666
I do know of one opportunity,
but it's only eligible for dongs.
114
00:07:43,801 --> 00:07:45,632
Perhaps they'll consider a Taj.
115
00:07:45,736 --> 00:07:49,399
Dongs are what you Americans
so eloquently call teaching assistants.
116
00:07:49,507 --> 00:07:51,600
Yes. Well, I am a teaching assistant.
117
00:07:51,709 --> 00:07:53,267
Yes. Here it is.
118
00:07:53,911 --> 00:07:56,209
- What is it?
- You'd be a head of house of sorts,
119
00:07:56,314 --> 00:07:59,681
for a very elite group of students
in a dwelling called the Barn.
120
00:07:59,984 --> 00:08:01,508
- The Barn?
- An architectural wonder.
121
00:08:01,619 --> 00:08:03,314
- The Barn?
- One of the oldest buildings on campus.
122
00:08:03,421 --> 00:08:04,410
- Is it red?
- No.
123
00:08:04,522 --> 00:08:06,490
- Then it's not a barn.
- Yes, but it's steeped in history.
124
00:08:07,925 --> 00:08:09,222
Good luck, then.
125
00:08:10,962 --> 00:08:12,224
You, too.
126
00:08:13,664 --> 00:08:16,394
Come on, Balzac. �ndale.
127
00:08:22,740 --> 00:08:24,230
Christ, he's got monkey nuts.
128
00:08:25,176 --> 00:08:26,837
- Did you see his face?
- The Barn?
129
00:08:26,944 --> 00:08:29,071
I do believe that was the best one yet.
130
00:08:29,614 --> 00:08:31,343
- You were wonderful.
- That was a classic, Pip.
131
00:08:31,449 --> 00:08:33,747
- Brilliant.
- Don't you boys ever get tired
132
00:08:33,851 --> 00:08:36,183
of playing that same
crass, demeaning joke?
133
00:08:36,687 --> 00:08:37,881
- No.
- No.
134
00:08:39,657 --> 00:08:43,593
Another jolly good show.
I must say, it is so much fun being me.
135
00:08:44,362 --> 00:08:45,659
Is that...
136
00:08:45,763 --> 00:08:46,730
(SQUISHING)
137
00:08:47,365 --> 00:08:49,299
Could someone please get me
some Tidy Wipes?
138
00:08:50,201 --> 00:08:52,192
(GET UP, GETON PLAYING)
139
00:09:37,949 --> 00:09:40,918
Well, Balzac, as Mr. Van Wilder would say,
140
00:09:41,018 --> 00:09:43,748
it's not the building that matters,
it's the people inside.
141
00:09:45,990 --> 00:09:47,184
Come on.
142
00:10:03,074 --> 00:10:06,771
Excuse me.
I'm looking for the Barn residence hall.
143
00:10:06,877 --> 00:10:08,640
- The Barn.
- Piss off.
144
00:10:09,714 --> 00:10:11,477
Pin-headed squirrelly-Iooking bastard.
145
00:10:11,582 --> 00:10:16,042
Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed
dipso Paddy headbanger.
146
00:10:16,787 --> 00:10:19,915
Hey, you're speaking the local lingo
right and proper.
147
00:10:20,024 --> 00:10:21,753
What did you say your name was again?
148
00:10:21,859 --> 00:10:23,884
Taj Badalandabad,
your new head of house.
149
00:10:23,995 --> 00:10:26,987
Taj Badalandabad,
that's quite a tongue-twister.
150
00:10:27,098 --> 00:10:28,622
It's not that hard to say. You got it right.
151
00:10:28,733 --> 00:10:32,169
Yeah, but I've been drinking all day.
You want some?
152
00:10:32,269 --> 00:10:35,102
No, I'm okay, actually.
You enjoy your backwash.
153
00:10:36,874 --> 00:10:38,808
- Hi.
- Hi, you look funny.
154
00:10:39,443 --> 00:10:41,308
- I'm Gethin.
- Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,
155
00:10:41,412 --> 00:10:43,403
your new resident advisor.
156
00:10:45,783 --> 00:10:48,308
Oh, I'm so sorry, sir.
The house is such a mess.
157
00:10:48,419 --> 00:10:49,852
I feel so ashamed.
158
00:10:49,954 --> 00:10:52,286
Please stop.
Don't call me sir and don't be formal.
159
00:10:52,390 --> 00:10:54,790
This is a very informal setting
and, Gethin, stand up straight.
160
00:10:54,892 --> 00:10:57,087
A man always looks more confident
when he's erect.
161
00:10:57,995 --> 00:10:59,121
Now, what's all this?
162
00:11:00,264 --> 00:11:02,232
I'm a dual major.
163
00:11:02,333 --> 00:11:03,994
Maths/ quantum physics.
164
00:11:04,802 --> 00:11:07,066
Following the tradition of
the great Stephen Hawking, huh?
165
00:11:08,105 --> 00:11:11,905
Not exactly. Numbers geeks
don't have the hottest social life,
166
00:11:12,009 --> 00:11:16,537
so I did a sexual statistics compatibility
survey with all the colleges in England.
167
00:11:16,714 --> 00:11:20,707
Camford came up with the highest
nerd-per-willing-chick probability ratio.
168
00:11:21,118 --> 00:11:22,745
The pursuit of the pink taco.
169
00:11:23,688 --> 00:11:27,385
Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits
in the search for the vertical smile.
170
00:11:27,792 --> 00:11:30,158
- The what, sir?
- The vertical smile.
171
00:11:30,294 --> 00:11:32,421
You know,
the scrambled eggs between the legs...
172
00:11:32,530 --> 00:11:33,588
I don't know what that is.
173
00:11:33,698 --> 00:11:34,995
...the sunny-side-up
on the way to the butt.
174
00:11:35,099 --> 00:11:36,066
GETHIN: Say again?
175
00:11:38,169 --> 00:11:40,137
Hello. What's your name?
176
00:11:42,440 --> 00:11:44,533
- Hello?
- Simon doesn't like to talk.
177
00:11:45,543 --> 00:11:46,669
Simon?
178
00:11:46,977 --> 00:11:48,342
It's a pleasure to meet you regardless,
179
00:11:48,446 --> 00:11:49,743
and I look forward to hearing from you
180
00:11:49,847 --> 00:11:52,441
when you have something
that you would like to say.
181
00:11:53,017 --> 00:11:54,484
How about you, Balzac?
182
00:11:55,019 --> 00:11:57,351
Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody?
183
00:11:57,455 --> 00:11:59,218
Hey, what's up with the mutt?
184
00:11:59,490 --> 00:12:01,424
Looks like it's dragging
a pair of soccer balls.
185
00:12:01,525 --> 00:12:03,186
He's a purebred English bulldog.
186
00:12:04,161 --> 00:12:06,857
It's English, is it?
That's why it's such an ugly little bastard.
187
00:12:08,499 --> 00:12:10,262
- He can hear you.
- I don't care.
188
00:12:10,367 --> 00:12:11,891
Why do you have
all that pent-up aggression?
189
00:12:12,002 --> 00:12:14,368
I'm Irish and the English
have been giving us the shaft
190
00:12:14,472 --> 00:12:15,803
for over 500 years and counting.
191
00:12:15,906 --> 00:12:18,306
Well, time out for a second. I'm Indian.
192
00:12:18,409 --> 00:12:20,900
And England invaded India in the 1700s,
193
00:12:21,011 --> 00:12:23,502
and didn't leave
until less than 60 years ago.
194
00:12:23,714 --> 00:12:27,650
Until then, we were just another one of its
colonies, not unlike your Northern Ireland.
195
00:12:27,752 --> 00:12:29,049
- Really?
- Yeah.
196
00:12:29,220 --> 00:12:31,085
That makes us brothers.
197
00:12:31,188 --> 00:12:32,485
(BOTH GRUNTING)
198
00:12:34,692 --> 00:12:35,954
I'm dead.
199
00:12:39,196 --> 00:12:41,323
So I assume those are real.
200
00:12:43,968 --> 00:12:45,128
You all right?
201
00:12:49,140 --> 00:12:51,301
I'm sorry I lobbed you in the face, mate.
202
00:12:51,408 --> 00:12:52,500
Fancy a sneaky quick one?
203
00:12:52,610 --> 00:12:55,841
No. No, no, I think you've given me enough
sneaky quick ones for the day.
204
00:12:55,946 --> 00:12:57,243
Thank you, Seamus.
205
00:12:57,348 --> 00:13:00,681
Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad,
our new head of house.
206
00:13:00,785 --> 00:13:03,481
All right, me old mucker. Have a shake,
then, I ain't got the clap or nothing.
207
00:13:03,921 --> 00:13:05,582
- What?
- She means handshake.
208
00:13:05,689 --> 00:13:07,384
Right. Of course. Of course, hi.
209
00:13:07,491 --> 00:13:08,753
Sadie is a cockney.
210
00:13:08,859 --> 00:13:12,420
Takes time to understand her.
Words fit in her mouth funny.
211
00:13:12,530 --> 00:13:13,895
Lucky words.
212
00:13:14,031 --> 00:13:15,965
You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?
213
00:13:16,066 --> 00:13:18,796
Yeah, it's all right.
Blokes are a bit stuffy here, though.
214
00:13:18,903 --> 00:13:20,530
I mean, I never thought
it would be so hard
215
00:13:20,638 --> 00:13:22,538
to find someone worth
slurping the old panhandle.
216
00:13:23,674 --> 00:13:25,369
You know, giving a blow job.
217
00:13:25,476 --> 00:13:27,307
Nothing like getting your tongue
around a nice fat one.
218
00:13:27,411 --> 00:13:28,844
Sliding it in and out.
219
00:13:29,013 --> 00:13:32,176
In and out. In and out. In and out.
220
00:13:32,283 --> 00:13:35,047
Milking it like a cow until it explodes
into the back of your mouth.
221
00:13:36,287 --> 00:13:38,050
I must have an amazing ear for dialects.
222
00:13:38,155 --> 00:13:39,986
I understood
everything that she said perfectly.
223
00:13:40,090 --> 00:13:43,548
So, how long will you be staying with us
before you move to a better house, then,
224
00:13:43,661 --> 00:13:45,288
Mr. Badalandabad?
225
00:13:45,963 --> 00:13:48,557
- I don't follow.
- It's all right, sir.
226
00:13:48,666 --> 00:13:49,724
We all know we're losers.
227
00:13:50,935 --> 00:13:52,630
SADIE: Well, round here in this campus
228
00:13:52,736 --> 00:13:55,637
we're like crusty brown sheep dung
off an old work boot.
229
00:13:55,739 --> 00:13:57,707
That's painting too pretty a picture,
if you ask me.
230
00:13:57,808 --> 00:14:00,208
Hey, time out, guys.
231
00:14:00,744 --> 00:14:03,577
You know, a few years ago,
I was exactly where you guys were.
232
00:14:04,381 --> 00:14:05,541
Almost.
233
00:14:06,650 --> 00:14:07,742
Not really at all, actually.
234
00:14:07,852 --> 00:14:10,320
But look, the point is
that there's potential, okay?
235
00:14:10,421 --> 00:14:12,719
There's potential here. That's what I see.
236
00:14:12,823 --> 00:14:16,623
You know, sometimes it just takes a while
to cultivate one's own personal greatness.
237
00:14:17,027 --> 00:14:19,461
- It's okay, sir.
- People always say nice things.
238
00:14:19,597 --> 00:14:21,326
And then they leave.
239
00:14:27,905 --> 00:14:31,466
Balzac, I don't think I will succeed
as the sultan of snatch in this place.
240
00:14:33,210 --> 00:14:37,306
All I wanted to do was spread a little
Badalandabad butter on an English muffin.
241
00:14:39,116 --> 00:14:41,311
Well, Van, what would you do?
242
00:14:43,254 --> 00:14:44,881
(WOMAN MOANING)
243
00:14:47,958 --> 00:14:49,152
TAJ: Oh, yeah. That's nice.
244
00:14:54,198 --> 00:14:55,995
(WOMAN GRUNTING)
245
00:15:11,749 --> 00:15:12,875
WOMAN: Yeah.
246
00:15:13,317 --> 00:15:15,649
You like that long one, don't you,
Miss Nude America?
247
00:15:15,920 --> 00:15:16,887
Yeah, you do.
248
00:15:17,888 --> 00:15:20,186
Miss Nevada likes it hard.
249
00:15:20,424 --> 00:15:21,652
TAJ: Yeah, scream a bit louder
for more points.
250
00:15:21,759 --> 00:15:23,727
Crazy room.
Will you take a look at this place?
251
00:15:24,061 --> 00:15:25,323
Hey, good morning, guys.
252
00:15:25,429 --> 00:15:27,624
Bloody hell. This must have cost a fortune.
253
00:15:27,731 --> 00:15:29,130
It's an investment.
254
00:15:29,233 --> 00:15:31,963
The coolest, most confident kids
on campus are living here.
255
00:15:32,102 --> 00:15:34,468
- Who's moving in?
- The new you, Gethin.
256
00:15:35,005 --> 00:15:36,097
The new all of you.
257
00:15:36,273 --> 00:15:41,404
And to celebrate, I got us an invitation
to the campus-wide inaugural ball tonight.
258
00:15:41,578 --> 00:15:43,443
Black tie only. When should we leave? Oi!
259
00:15:44,715 --> 00:15:45,977
Where are you going?
260
00:15:46,250 --> 00:15:49,947
It's being tossed by that royal chutney
ferret and his chorus of nancy boys.
261
00:15:50,054 --> 00:15:51,180
Yeah, translation?
262
00:15:51,789 --> 00:15:55,691
Pip Everett is the Earl of Grey,
14 spots removed from the Queen herself.
263
00:15:55,926 --> 00:15:57,689
He also happens to be head
of the Fox and Hounds,
264
00:15:57,795 --> 00:15:59,057
who are sponsoring the ball.
265
00:15:59,163 --> 00:16:02,030
Yes, I've met Pip
and I really wouldn't be concerned.
266
00:16:02,132 --> 00:16:04,532
No, sir. You don't understand.
267
00:16:05,436 --> 00:16:08,269
Each one of us were invited
into the Fox and Hounds,
268
00:16:08,372 --> 00:16:11,398
only to be told when we arrived
that there had been some sort of
269
00:16:11,508 --> 00:16:13,601
"typographical error"
in our acceptance letters.
270
00:16:13,711 --> 00:16:16,646
Bloody right.
Supposedly the bastards do it every year.
271
00:16:16,747 --> 00:16:19,545
- Just for their jollies.
- This happened to all of you?
272
00:16:21,418 --> 00:16:23,318
Well, you guys must be livid.
273
00:16:23,420 --> 00:16:26,287
No. It's pretty much the story of our lives.
274
00:16:26,390 --> 00:16:29,518
The story of...
I don't believe what I'm hearing.
275
00:16:29,927 --> 00:16:32,725
Those Fox and Hounds douche bags.
276
00:16:32,830 --> 00:16:37,392
Those pubic-hair tooth flossers
have no right to tell us what to do.
277
00:16:37,501 --> 00:16:39,799
We're going to show them... No.
278
00:16:40,637 --> 00:16:43,902
We're going show ourselves
that we can go wherever we want,
279
00:16:44,008 --> 00:16:45,339
whenever we want.
280
00:16:46,110 --> 00:16:48,704
Now, we're going to this party
and we're going to look hot.
281
00:16:49,546 --> 00:16:51,912
(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)
282
00:17:11,668 --> 00:17:14,694
So they're rich, powerful and beautiful.
283
00:17:15,039 --> 00:17:18,031
Take away their good looks,
their money and their superior attitudes,
284
00:17:18,142 --> 00:17:20,201
- and what do you have?
- Us?
285
00:17:21,578 --> 00:17:25,344
My point, Gethin,
is that they're no better than us.
286
00:17:25,749 --> 00:17:27,683
Have some courage, guys.
287
00:17:28,218 --> 00:17:31,984
There's an old saying. "Jumping off a cliff
only hurts if you forget how to fly."
288
00:17:32,089 --> 00:17:34,080
Excuse me, sir.
I think the actual saying is that...
289
00:17:34,191 --> 00:17:36,989
Well, it doesn't matter
what the actual saying is, Gethin.
290
00:17:37,094 --> 00:17:38,561
It's the intent.
291
00:17:38,662 --> 00:17:40,289
Stand up straight.
292
00:17:40,497 --> 00:17:41,521
Now, where is Simon?
293
00:17:41,632 --> 00:17:44,294
He said he'd be here when he was done
fussing with his bow tie.
294
00:17:44,401 --> 00:17:48,360
All right. Well, go, guys. Have fun.
Go, my little sparrows.
295
00:17:50,074 --> 00:17:51,837
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
296
00:18:21,472 --> 00:18:24,236
Would you like to dance?
Would you like to dance?
297
00:18:24,341 --> 00:18:26,275
Would you like to dance?
Do you like to dance?
298
00:18:26,376 --> 00:18:30,403
I'd love to dance with you.
299
00:18:31,315 --> 00:18:34,716
So lean, so strong.
300
00:18:34,852 --> 00:18:37,150
So virile.
301
00:18:37,254 --> 00:18:38,915
(LAD Y MULGROVE GASPING)
302
00:18:41,058 --> 00:18:45,085
Do you know I'm not wearing any...
303
00:18:45,362 --> 00:18:49,560
Lady Mulgrove, I believe Lord Mulgrove
was looking for you over there.
304
00:18:51,235 --> 00:18:52,293
Pity.
305
00:18:52,936 --> 00:18:54,563
(LAD Y MULGROVE CHUCKLES)
306
00:18:54,671 --> 00:18:57,196
Lady Mulgrove loves her sherry, I'm afraid.
307
00:18:57,307 --> 00:19:00,242
Well, you know, I've never been checked
for a hernia on the dance floor before.
308
00:19:00,344 --> 00:19:04,303
I have to say, the old lady's tremor
was actually mildly erotic.
309
00:19:06,650 --> 00:19:08,618
Would you like to dance?
310
00:19:10,587 --> 00:19:11,986
Well, actually I have a...
311
00:19:12,089 --> 00:19:13,989
A younger sister you could
hook me up with instead?
312
00:19:14,091 --> 00:19:15,058
Why did I say that?
313
00:19:15,159 --> 00:19:17,286
I'm gonna go slit my wrists
in the corner painfully now.
314
00:19:17,394 --> 00:19:18,827
- Thank you. Bye.
- Wait. Wait.
315
00:19:18,929 --> 00:19:19,987
Yes.
316
00:19:21,131 --> 00:19:23,725
- Why not?
- Great.
317
00:19:30,541 --> 00:19:33,032
- So, I've not seen you on campus before.
- Yes, I'm nude.
318
00:19:33,143 --> 00:19:35,873
New, I'm a new graduate student.
319
00:19:36,947 --> 00:19:38,938
- And how are you finding it?
- Great, actually.
320
00:19:39,049 --> 00:19:40,914
It's fantastic. Everyone's really nice,
321
00:19:41,018 --> 00:19:44,181
except for this royal jackass named Pip.
322
00:19:44,888 --> 00:19:46,355
- Pip?
- Yes. Pip Everett,
323
00:19:46,456 --> 00:19:49,857
the Earl of Grey, is a world-class jerk.
324
00:19:50,694 --> 00:19:52,787
- You didn't get on with him?
- No.
325
00:19:52,896 --> 00:19:53,954
You would detest him as well.
326
00:19:54,064 --> 00:19:56,032
I would imagine that
only another bubble-headed snob
327
00:19:56,133 --> 00:19:59,398
could stand to be in his company for
longer than it takes to suck on a Tic Tac.
328
00:19:59,503 --> 00:20:03,064
Charlie, there you are.
Oh, I see you've met Haj.
329
00:20:03,874 --> 00:20:05,136
Charlie?
330
00:20:05,242 --> 00:20:07,836
Or you can just call me
the bubble-headed snob.
331
00:20:09,413 --> 00:20:11,506
So, how are things working out
at the Barn?
332
00:20:11,615 --> 00:20:15,381
Very well, actually.
The residents are very special people.
333
00:20:15,719 --> 00:20:16,708
Special, indeed.
334
00:20:16,820 --> 00:20:19,152
Take it back! Say you like Irish whiskey.
335
00:20:19,289 --> 00:20:20,347
Excuse me.
336
00:20:20,457 --> 00:20:21,947
(GRUNTING)
337
00:20:23,860 --> 00:20:27,728
Oh, go on. A little heavy snoggin' with
your husband's all you've been wanting.
338
00:20:27,931 --> 00:20:29,421
I beg your pardon?
339
00:20:29,533 --> 00:20:32,991
You know what we ladies need, sweetie?
A good poke in the low whiskers.
340
00:20:33,103 --> 00:20:36,095
Yes, the lower whiskers,
right next to the Scottish Highlands,
341
00:20:36,206 --> 00:20:38,106
a favorite vacation spot. Excuse us.
342
00:20:38,242 --> 00:20:41,302
- No, Taj. I was talking about her vagina.
- Yes.
343
00:20:42,012 --> 00:20:44,105
(GLASS CLINKING)
344
00:20:44,915 --> 00:20:49,318
I would like to welcome everyone
to the official opening
345
00:20:49,419 --> 00:20:52,877
of the competition for the Hastings Cup.
346
00:20:52,990 --> 00:20:56,118
Why do they call it a competition
when we always win?
347
00:20:56,226 --> 00:21:00,162
The Hastings Cup represents
all that is best in a university.
348
00:21:00,631 --> 00:21:04,328
Camford's most gifted
have competed for 600 years.
349
00:21:04,768 --> 00:21:07,566
And now it gives me great pleasure
350
00:21:07,671 --> 00:21:11,505
to introduce the winners
of last year's competition,
351
00:21:11,608 --> 00:21:13,576
the Foxes and the Hounds.
352
00:21:20,050 --> 00:21:21,483
Thank you, sir.
353
00:21:21,585 --> 00:21:23,553
On behalf of my fellow members,
354
00:21:23,654 --> 00:21:26,020
I'd like to wish the other houses
the best of luck
355
00:21:26,223 --> 00:21:29,852
on this year's competition.
May the best lads win.
356
00:21:34,131 --> 00:21:36,156
(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)
357
00:21:38,201 --> 00:21:40,931
Don't let that little Indian fellow
put you down, Charlie.
358
00:21:41,038 --> 00:21:44,064
He's hardly worth putting a frown
on your beautiful face.
359
00:21:44,975 --> 00:21:46,567
Why was he upset with you?
360
00:21:47,311 --> 00:21:49,939
I think he was rejected
from the Fox and Hounds the other day.
361
00:21:50,147 --> 00:21:51,774
Poor bloke was devastated.
362
00:21:52,616 --> 00:21:55,847
You know, perhaps I'll have a word.
Cheer him up.
363
00:21:56,987 --> 00:21:58,420
You're sweet.
364
00:21:59,723 --> 00:22:01,953
It's all part of being an earl, my dear.
365
00:22:02,092 --> 00:22:03,525
Constructive criticism.
366
00:22:03,627 --> 00:22:05,754
Seamus, we need to work
on your anger management skills.
367
00:22:05,862 --> 00:22:06,920
Sadie, close your legs.
368
00:22:07,030 --> 00:22:08,827
We just need to figure out
exactly how much you can drink.
369
00:22:08,932 --> 00:22:10,456
And, Gethin...
370
00:22:12,602 --> 00:22:13,967
Oh, Gethin, sit up straight...
371
00:22:14,071 --> 00:22:15,231
PIP: Excuse me, Raji.
372
00:22:15,339 --> 00:22:17,170
- My name is Taj.
- I don't care.
373
00:22:17,274 --> 00:22:19,401
I just wanted to share
a little tidbit with you.
374
00:22:19,509 --> 00:22:22,103
When my great-great-grandfather,
Rupert Everett the Third,
375
00:22:22,212 --> 00:22:24,578
became the first governor
of the Indian colony,
376
00:22:24,681 --> 00:22:26,945
he also took on a band of pet monkeys.
377
00:22:27,050 --> 00:22:29,610
But he used to keep his outside.
There's the door.
378
00:22:29,786 --> 00:22:32,482
Please make sure it hits all of you
on the way out.
379
00:22:32,589 --> 00:22:33,988
- Oh, Poop?
- It's Pip.
380
00:22:34,091 --> 00:22:38,824
I know. A friend of mine used to say
that if you can't join them, beat them.
381
00:22:38,962 --> 00:22:40,987
You might want to write that down.
382
00:23:03,453 --> 00:23:07,355
Hi, ladies and gentlemen.
I am Taj Mahal Badalandabad
383
00:23:07,457 --> 00:23:08,890
- What the hell is he doing?
...and I have an important
384
00:23:08,992 --> 00:23:10,755
- Holy crap. He's gone bleeding mad.
...announcement.
385
00:23:10,894 --> 00:23:13,089
And in the spirit of the inaugural ball,
386
00:23:13,196 --> 00:23:17,599
I would like to announce the formation of
a new fraternal house, commencing now.
387
00:23:18,235 --> 00:23:23,036
Ladies and gentlemen, please get
your first look at the smart, the sexy,
388
00:23:23,907 --> 00:23:28,241
the very literal-minded,
wearing black tie only,
389
00:23:28,678 --> 00:23:30,202
Cock and Bulls.
390
00:23:30,313 --> 00:23:31,507
(PEOPLE GASPING)
391
00:23:31,615 --> 00:23:33,048
(PEOPLE LAUGHING)
392
00:23:44,494 --> 00:23:46,519
GETHIN: We'll never be able to show
our faces again.
393
00:23:46,630 --> 00:23:48,962
We're the laughingstock
of the whole bloody school.
394
00:23:49,065 --> 00:23:50,157
To hell with the lot of them.
395
00:23:50,267 --> 00:23:52,167
What is with the lack of self-image?
396
00:23:53,270 --> 00:23:55,966
You know, we have the potential
to be the best house on this campus.
397
00:23:56,072 --> 00:23:57,300
And I would go so far as to say
398
00:23:57,407 --> 00:23:59,272
that we could even win
the Hastings Cup this year.
399
00:23:59,376 --> 00:24:01,310
How the hell could we win the cup?
400
00:24:01,411 --> 00:24:03,936
Seamus, winning the cup
is based on accumulating points
401
00:24:04,047 --> 00:24:06,641
in academics, athletics and social services.
402
00:24:06,750 --> 00:24:08,877
- Now, Gethin here excels...
- SEAMUS: Hold on, hold on, hold on.
403
00:24:08,985 --> 00:24:10,714
I'm a banged-up rugby player,
404
00:24:10,821 --> 00:24:12,755
she's a sausage jockey
for the price of a pint
405
00:24:12,856 --> 00:24:14,118
Oi! And dinner.
406
00:24:14,224 --> 00:24:16,660
...and he's got the bleeding personality
of a toaster oven.
407
00:24:16,660 --> 00:24:17,217
...and he's got the bleeding personality
of a toaster oven.
408
00:24:17,360 --> 00:24:21,319
So, you've decided to accept defeat
before you've even tried, huh?
409
00:24:21,431 --> 00:24:24,696
What if Columbus had done that
just because of a bout with seasickness?
410
00:24:24,801 --> 00:24:28,498
Or if Babe Ruth had decided to walk off
after his first rookie season
411
00:24:28,605 --> 00:24:30,596
just because of a little syphilis?
412
00:24:30,707 --> 00:24:33,642
Or what if Ravi Shankar had decided
to give up the sitar
413
00:24:33,743 --> 00:24:37,110
just because he knew he'd be able get
a lot more chooch playing the guitar?
414
00:24:38,348 --> 00:24:43,149
You guys, society has always stifled
those with great minds.
415
00:24:45,188 --> 00:24:46,177
I believe in you.
416
00:24:47,657 --> 00:24:49,386
And you should too.
417
00:24:50,560 --> 00:24:51,584
Now,
418
00:24:53,029 --> 00:24:54,155
to the Cock and Bulls.
419
00:24:56,633 --> 00:24:59,033
I said, to the Cock and Bulls.
420
00:25:00,670 --> 00:25:03,730
ALL: To the Cock and Bulls.
TAJ: To the Cock and Bulls.
421
00:25:03,874 --> 00:25:06,399
- To the Cock and Bulls.
- To the Cock and Bulls.
422
00:25:06,510 --> 00:25:07,875
To the Cock and Bulls!
423
00:25:07,978 --> 00:25:10,310
Why do you insist
on manipulating the table like that
424
00:25:10,614 --> 00:25:11,945
with the fist, coming down?
425
00:25:16,086 --> 00:25:18,213
- Morning.
- Morning.
426
00:25:19,356 --> 00:25:20,755
You know,
427
00:25:21,691 --> 00:25:23,852
I was rather wonderful last night, wasn't I?
428
00:25:23,960 --> 00:25:25,928
I was here, too, you know.
429
00:25:26,429 --> 00:25:29,921
No, not the sex, silly. I was talking
about our dinner with Lord Wrightwood.
430
00:25:30,033 --> 00:25:31,261
How do you think it went?
431
00:25:31,368 --> 00:25:33,836
Well, you fawned over his every word.
432
00:25:33,937 --> 00:25:36,997
I half expected you to get up
from the table and kiss his arse.
433
00:25:37,107 --> 00:25:38,574
I thought it went well, too.
434
00:25:38,675 --> 00:25:41,041
And after graduation,
I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige me
435
00:25:41,144 --> 00:25:43,874
with a recommendation
for a diplomatic position.
436
00:25:43,980 --> 00:25:46,847
Pip, class isn't for an hour.
Come back to bed for a bit.
437
00:25:46,950 --> 00:25:49,441
But I haven't done my exercises yet.
438
00:25:49,586 --> 00:25:52,384
- And I have to exfoliate.
- I can put a glow on your cheeks.
439
00:25:52,489 --> 00:25:55,049
Charlie, hello. We did it last night.
440
00:25:56,126 --> 00:25:58,959
Wednesday. Our night.
441
00:26:01,932 --> 00:26:05,299
I don't understand
why we have to have a night.
442
00:26:05,402 --> 00:26:07,199
Why can't we just do it
whenever we feel like it?
443
00:26:07,304 --> 00:26:09,204
Because we're British
and we control ourselves.
444
00:26:09,306 --> 00:26:11,035
Charlie, I have a busy schedule.
445
00:26:11,141 --> 00:26:12,904
And I'd rather not tell people
I have no energy
446
00:26:13,009 --> 00:26:14,943
because I was off fornicating all night.
447
00:26:15,412 --> 00:26:17,744
Now, which shirt do you like better?
448
00:26:18,582 --> 00:26:21,210
Mauve or turbot? I like the mauve.
449
00:26:21,685 --> 00:26:23,448
But it is difficult with my jaw line.
450
00:26:26,957 --> 00:26:29,448
TAJ: "We have this day given order
451
00:26:30,160 --> 00:26:34,893
"to our Chancellor of the United Kingdom
and our Chancellor of Ireland,
452
00:26:34,998 --> 00:26:38,092
"that they do respectively
upon notice here
453
00:26:38,201 --> 00:26:42,103
"of forewith issues of writ
effective immediately
454
00:26:42,205 --> 00:26:45,470
"that pigs and chickens
will no longer be tolerated
455
00:26:45,575 --> 00:26:47,509
"in the House of Commons."
456
00:26:47,711 --> 00:26:51,909
Would anyone like to comment
on the House of the Lords journal
457
00:26:52,015 --> 00:26:56,679
volume 64, August 1832?
458
00:26:58,555 --> 00:27:00,147
Yeah. Me, neither.
459
00:27:00,657 --> 00:27:02,420
God, this is boring.
460
00:27:07,330 --> 00:27:09,798
Everybody rip out page 32.
461
00:27:11,534 --> 00:27:13,263
- Sir?
- You heard me.
462
00:27:13,370 --> 00:27:15,804
Everybody rip out page 32.
463
00:27:16,339 --> 00:27:19,399
You've seen Dead Poets Society.
Rip out page 32.
464
00:27:19,909 --> 00:27:23,345
Come on, if you don't rip out page 32,
I'll fail all of you.
465
00:27:23,713 --> 00:27:24,737
Yes!
466
00:27:27,851 --> 00:27:30,752
God, these things are so old,
they're petrified.
467
00:27:30,854 --> 00:27:33,118
You know what, just throw
the whole damn thing out the window.
468
00:27:35,625 --> 00:27:37,183
I think he's plumb sauced, he is.
469
00:27:37,293 --> 00:27:40,023
Sir, I don't think throwing books out
is such a good idea.
470
00:27:40,997 --> 00:27:42,988
Yes, there you go, Seamus.
471
00:27:43,099 --> 00:27:44,327
See, everybody do that,
472
00:27:44,434 --> 00:27:46,925
and send these books back to the 1800s
where they belong.
473
00:27:57,647 --> 00:28:00,343
- Come on, Gethin.
- No, I can't.
474
00:28:00,450 --> 00:28:03,385
Haven't you ever heard of the expression
"in with the old, out with the new"?
475
00:28:03,486 --> 00:28:05,181
Yes, sir.
But I think the actual expression is...
476
00:28:05,288 --> 00:28:08,155
Oh, it doesn't matter
what the actual expression is, Gethin.
477
00:28:08,491 --> 00:28:10,755
Why are you thinking
when you should be throwing?
478
00:28:10,860 --> 00:28:12,088
Ejaculate your book.
479
00:28:12,195 --> 00:28:14,527
Yeah, go on, Gethie. Get over it.
480
00:28:14,631 --> 00:28:15,996
Give it a throw, limey.
481
00:28:16,099 --> 00:28:20,968
Come on, Gethin. Expunge 20 years
of oppression out the window.
482
00:28:28,878 --> 00:28:29,970
(EX CLAIMING)
483
00:28:30,080 --> 00:28:31,172
(GLASS SHATTERS)
484
00:28:31,815 --> 00:28:36,149
Mr. Badalandabad,
might I see you out in the hall?
485
00:28:36,252 --> 00:28:37,583
Certainly.
486
00:28:39,589 --> 00:28:41,181
Excuse me, class.
487
00:28:41,291 --> 00:28:43,987
Why don't you all read chapter two
while I'm gone?
488
00:28:46,129 --> 00:28:48,290
But we haven't got any books.
489
00:28:50,300 --> 00:28:53,133
Have you gone
completely and utterly mad?
490
00:28:53,236 --> 00:28:54,897
I don't know how you did things
at Coolidge College.
491
00:28:55,004 --> 00:28:57,837
- You've been checking on me.
- Yes. And, frankly, I'm concerned.
492
00:28:57,941 --> 00:29:00,341
And as your supervisor,
it's my job to make sure that there's...
493
00:29:00,443 --> 00:29:02,502
Wait, wait, wait. You're my supervisor?
494
00:29:03,646 --> 00:29:08,106
Well, I... Let me just say then that
I am so enthused to be under you.
495
00:29:08,885 --> 00:29:11,649
What I mean is that I'm extremely hard.
496
00:29:13,289 --> 00:29:14,756
Hard-pressed to...
497
00:29:14,858 --> 00:29:16,826
Mr. Badalandabad,
it really doesn't even matter
498
00:29:16,926 --> 00:29:19,258
what you think of me or of the textbooks.
499
00:29:19,362 --> 00:29:21,455
Because if you wish to receive
your doctorate from this university,
500
00:29:21,564 --> 00:29:23,657
you'll have to follow the rules
set forth by...
501
00:29:23,767 --> 00:29:24,961
By men who what?
502
00:29:25,068 --> 00:29:30,062
Who wore funny boxer shorts
and garter belts and died decades ago?
503
00:29:30,173 --> 00:29:34,507
Who never saw a man walk on the moon
or listened to Lil' Kim on an MP3 player
504
00:29:34,611 --> 00:29:36,977
or watched muff-to-muff
triple-penetration cooch-munching
505
00:29:37,080 --> 00:29:38,809
- on the internet?
- What does that have to do with anything?
506
00:29:38,915 --> 00:29:40,678
Okay. Maybe, that was a bit much.
I'm sorry.
507
00:29:40,784 --> 00:29:42,479
But my point, Miss Higginson,
508
00:29:42,585 --> 00:29:45,110
is that there is more than one way
to skin a mongoose.
509
00:29:46,156 --> 00:29:50,115
History can be about so much more
than random dates and ancient artifacts.
510
00:29:50,226 --> 00:29:52,023
It can teach us about ourselves.
511
00:29:52,128 --> 00:29:55,325
About our flaws, our hopes,
even our dreams.
512
00:29:55,431 --> 00:29:58,229
And all I'm saying, Mr. Badalandabad,
513
00:29:58,334 --> 00:30:02,566
is that at this university,
there's only one way to skin a mongoose.
514
00:30:02,672 --> 00:30:03,639
And it's my way.
515
00:30:04,841 --> 00:30:06,274
Good day.
516
00:30:14,851 --> 00:30:16,478
ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,
517
00:30:16,586 --> 00:30:20,249
welcome to the opening eventof seven competitions
518
00:30:20,356 --> 00:30:24,520
between our five fraternal housesfor the Hastings Cup.
519
00:30:26,863 --> 00:30:28,831
They're bleeding huge.
520
00:30:29,265 --> 00:30:32,530
Guys, come on, it's badminton.
The game is played with a limp wrist.
521
00:30:32,635 --> 00:30:34,535
How hard could it be?
522
00:30:38,441 --> 00:30:39,738
(THUDDING)
523
00:30:40,109 --> 00:30:41,406
Simon.
524
00:30:41,711 --> 00:30:43,406
You were saying?
525
00:31:12,375 --> 00:31:15,902
Okay. It is probably safe to assume
526
00:31:16,012 --> 00:31:19,140
that we will probably not
emerge victorious from this match.
527
00:31:19,249 --> 00:31:23,242
However, it's very important
that we maintain our dignities.
528
00:31:24,020 --> 00:31:25,749
Gethin, just get the serve in.
529
00:31:25,855 --> 00:31:27,823
- Fine.
- I have an idea.
530
00:31:28,091 --> 00:31:29,058
Sadie...
531
00:31:29,492 --> 00:31:31,050
(INAUDIBLE)
532
00:31:49,445 --> 00:31:51,003
Simon, it's yours!
533
00:31:56,653 --> 00:31:59,019
ANNOUNCER: Game, Fox and Hounds.
534
00:31:59,122 --> 00:32:00,885
TAJ: It was not so bad.
535
00:32:02,425 --> 00:32:05,986
Okay, it was so bad, but why are you
refusing to look on the bright side?
536
00:32:06,095 --> 00:32:08,063
Oh, we're going to bleed to death
of internal injuries?
537
00:32:08,164 --> 00:32:10,632
No, we have made an impression.
538
00:32:10,867 --> 00:32:13,427
I mean, would you rather be
miserable and known,
539
00:32:13,536 --> 00:32:14,867
or miserable and anonymous?
540
00:32:14,971 --> 00:32:16,199
- Anonymous.
- Anonymous.
541
00:32:16,306 --> 00:32:17,739
Sir, I think we were fooling ourselves
542
00:32:17,840 --> 00:32:20,138
to believe we had
even the tiniest chance of winning this.
543
00:32:20,243 --> 00:32:22,370
We're on the board.
We're actually on the board.
544
00:32:22,478 --> 00:32:24,412
GETHIN: Yeah, but it doesn't
mean anything.
545
00:32:24,514 --> 00:32:27,915
Everybody gets a point for entering.
We're still 499 points away.
546
00:32:28,017 --> 00:32:31,885
Okay, Captain Optimistic, you are wrong.
This is a beginning.
547
00:32:31,988 --> 00:32:33,012
(HORN HONKING)
548
00:32:33,122 --> 00:32:34,680
Oh, by the by,
549
00:32:34,891 --> 00:32:37,382
just because you're making
a spectacle of yourselves,
550
00:32:37,493 --> 00:32:39,723
it doesn't mean you're not still invisible
to the rest of us.
551
00:32:40,029 --> 00:32:41,587
That's great, Pip,
552
00:32:41,698 --> 00:32:45,429
because it's very difficult
to beat something that you cannot see.
553
00:32:45,535 --> 00:32:49,494
Beat you? You and your sorry lot
aren't even worth spitting on.
554
00:32:49,839 --> 00:32:50,931
Diarrhea face.
555
00:32:51,040 --> 00:32:52,098
- Sorry, what did you just call me?
- What?
556
00:32:52,208 --> 00:32:54,506
- No, no, no, you definitely said something.
- No, I didn't say anything.
557
00:32:54,610 --> 00:32:55,634
- What was it?
- No, I didn't...
558
00:32:55,745 --> 00:32:58,737
- You called me diarrhea face.
- Really, did I?
559
00:33:01,017 --> 00:33:02,006
(WHISTLE BLOWS)
560
00:33:02,118 --> 00:33:04,586
TAJ: It seems there's a time and a placeto hit people.
561
00:33:04,687 --> 00:33:07,679
Yesterday was the wrong timeand today is the right place
562
00:33:07,790 --> 00:33:11,226
and here you can win pointstowards the Hastings Cup.
563
00:33:12,261 --> 00:33:14,855
Hey, Coach, you need another player?
564
00:33:15,031 --> 00:33:16,726
This guy? No way.
565
00:33:17,000 --> 00:33:18,433
Oh, really?
566
00:33:20,603 --> 00:33:22,628
That's one way to do it.
567
00:33:23,272 --> 00:33:24,569
Welcome.
568
00:33:25,274 --> 00:33:26,332
PIP: Ladies and gentlemen,
569
00:33:26,442 --> 00:33:30,310
I'm sure our palates were titillated
from the last selection,
570
00:33:30,413 --> 00:33:32,881
but I have an even finer vintage
to present to you now.
571
00:33:32,982 --> 00:33:37,646
I must hand it to you, Charlotte.
You've done an excellent job with the TAs.
572
00:33:38,488 --> 00:33:40,217
Thank you, Provost.
573
00:33:40,323 --> 00:33:41,347
It's always been my theory
574
00:33:41,457 --> 00:33:44,290
that as long as you're clear
with your rules and expectations,
575
00:33:44,394 --> 00:33:46,794
people generally will fall in...
576
00:33:51,034 --> 00:33:52,865
Excuse me one moment. Sorry.
577
00:33:52,969 --> 00:33:56,234
The next cognac you'll be tasting is from
a 1793 bottle from the Loire region...
578
00:33:56,339 --> 00:33:57,863
(INAUDIBLE)
579
00:33:59,609 --> 00:34:01,008
Of France. France.
580
00:34:01,944 --> 00:34:04,913
Of France. A fine vintage, as I was saying.
581
00:34:05,782 --> 00:34:06,976
TAJ: So, despite all of their money,
582
00:34:07,083 --> 00:34:09,176
all those statues
are actually completely worthless.
583
00:34:09,285 --> 00:34:10,616
What is going on?
584
00:34:10,753 --> 00:34:14,553
Field trip. We're observing
the double-breasted, blue-blooded snot.
585
00:34:14,657 --> 00:34:15,783
You're bird watching?
586
00:34:15,892 --> 00:34:19,157
No, no, no, we're observing
the behavior of British aristocracy.
587
00:34:19,729 --> 00:34:20,855
Now.
588
00:34:21,464 --> 00:34:22,692
BRB.
589
00:34:23,466 --> 00:34:25,798
I told you to stick
to the assigned curriculum.
590
00:34:25,902 --> 00:34:27,961
Yes, and as I explained to you,
the assigned curriculum was...
591
00:34:28,071 --> 00:34:29,902
Was something I felt very strongly about.
592
00:34:30,006 --> 00:34:32,167
Which is why I propose a challenge.
593
00:34:32,275 --> 00:34:34,106
- Pardon me?
- A challenge.
594
00:34:34,210 --> 00:34:35,404
You see, I believe
595
00:34:35,511 --> 00:34:38,207
that my students' academic achievements
are better enhanced
596
00:34:38,314 --> 00:34:39,542
through a series of field trips.
597
00:34:39,649 --> 00:34:40,877
Oh, you do, do you?
598
00:34:40,983 --> 00:34:42,473
Yes, and given the fact
599
00:34:42,585 --> 00:34:45,486
that we have a philosophical difference
in our teaching methods,
600
00:34:45,588 --> 00:34:49,524
I suggest that we settle our disputes
through a challenge of some sort.
601
00:34:49,625 --> 00:34:51,786
That way, if I win,
I can continue as planned, and if...
602
00:34:51,894 --> 00:34:54,795
No! There will be no challenges.
603
00:34:55,398 --> 00:34:57,992
This isn't a grade school playground,
Mr. Badalandabad.
604
00:34:58,768 --> 00:35:01,669
If you wish to receive your doctorate
from this university,
605
00:35:01,771 --> 00:35:04,763
you'll have to follow
the assigned curriculum. Good night.
606
00:35:06,109 --> 00:35:08,407
I figured you might be scared.
607
00:35:08,845 --> 00:35:12,178
The last thing I am in this world
is scared of you.
608
00:35:12,849 --> 00:35:16,945
I accept your challenge,
which means I get to choose the weapons.
609
00:35:17,053 --> 00:35:19,453
Great. The weapons?
610
00:35:23,426 --> 00:35:25,656
Charlotte, is it just me,
or do these absurd paintings
611
00:35:25,761 --> 00:35:28,696
bear a striking resemblance
to your absurd boyfriend?
612
00:35:28,831 --> 00:35:30,355
We are in Everett Hall.
613
00:35:30,466 --> 00:35:31,990
Everett Hall.
614
00:35:34,937 --> 00:35:38,065
Oh, please tell me it's Earl of Grey tea
contained in this.
615
00:35:38,174 --> 00:35:41,041
The ashes of six generations of Everetts
are contained here.
616
00:35:41,144 --> 00:35:43,374
Well, when it's Pip's turn,
they're going to have to build a new hall
617
00:35:43,479 --> 00:35:45,106
just to contain his ego.
618
00:35:45,214 --> 00:35:46,806
Shall we begin?
619
00:35:48,384 --> 00:35:50,477
Begin? Yes, let's begin.
620
00:35:55,791 --> 00:35:58,817
Not bad, Miss Higginson,
but you should know
621
00:35:58,928 --> 00:36:02,364
that I extensively studied fencing
at the university.
622
00:36:06,869 --> 00:36:09,804
University fencing champion.
Twice in a row.
623
00:36:09,906 --> 00:36:13,069
I was planning on showing you
some mercy, but...
624
00:36:20,716 --> 00:36:22,149
(EX CLAIMS)
625
00:36:27,123 --> 00:36:28,920
What the hell was that?
626
00:36:29,025 --> 00:36:31,892
It's the Rathbone.
My fencing teacher taught it to me.
627
00:36:31,994 --> 00:36:33,393
He's quite a good swordsman.
628
00:36:33,496 --> 00:36:36,829
Ah, yes.
I've had a few ladies tell me that myself.
629
00:36:37,300 --> 00:36:40,633
Miss Higginson,
have you ever seen the movie Zorro?
630
00:36:42,238 --> 00:36:43,500
I have.
631
00:36:45,041 --> 00:36:46,440
Six times.
632
00:36:47,777 --> 00:36:49,142
(GRUNTING)
633
00:36:51,514 --> 00:36:52,708
(SHOUTS)
634
00:36:53,182 --> 00:36:54,444
Nine times.
635
00:37:04,827 --> 00:37:06,226
(COINS CLATTERING)
636
00:37:08,931 --> 00:37:11,229
Count yourself lucky
the only thing you lost were your pants.
637
00:37:14,837 --> 00:37:17,237
It's a shame, Miss Higginson.
You would have enjoyed the trip.
638
00:37:18,074 --> 00:37:20,634
- I'll be on that field trip.
- Will you?
639
00:37:20,743 --> 00:37:25,146
That way, when I have you replaced,
I'll be able to explain my reasons.
640
00:37:25,881 --> 00:37:27,314
Good night.
641
00:37:28,618 --> 00:37:30,609
(SHINEPLAYING)
642
00:37:35,992 --> 00:37:38,927
On the right
is the famous Tower of London,
643
00:37:39,028 --> 00:37:45,160
where Queen Elizabeth I imprisoned
her explorer boyfriend, Sir Walter Raleigh,
644
00:37:45,268 --> 00:37:47,793
after he was found doing the freaky-deaky
645
00:37:47,903 --> 00:37:49,871
with one of her ladies-in-waiting.
646
00:37:49,972 --> 00:37:53,169
Presently people line up outside
the tower to see the crown jewels,
647
00:37:53,276 --> 00:37:57,372
which were stolen during
the brutal British occupation of India.
648
00:37:57,780 --> 00:38:00,248
The crown jewels are actually
quite magnificent.
649
00:38:00,349 --> 00:38:03,477
I don't think anyone's ever waited
an hour and a half online to see mine.
650
00:38:04,320 --> 00:38:06,345
Actually, there was that one time
at Coolidge.
651
00:38:06,522 --> 00:38:08,513
(SHINE CONTINUES PLAYING)
652
00:38:16,499 --> 00:38:17,830
Now, this is the area
653
00:38:17,933 --> 00:38:23,132
where Charles Dickens used to observe
the injustices of London's class system.
654
00:38:23,472 --> 00:38:26,441
"It was the best of times,
it was the worst of times."
655
00:38:26,542 --> 00:38:28,203
Write that down.
656
00:38:29,145 --> 00:38:32,581
Come on, guys, let's go.
Don't stop to stare, it's just an old church.
657
00:38:32,715 --> 00:38:33,977
(SHINE CONTINUES PLAYING)
658
00:38:34,116 --> 00:38:35,913
(INAUDIBLE)
659
00:38:45,528 --> 00:38:50,158
On the left, in Trafalgar Square,
is a statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson,
660
00:38:50,266 --> 00:38:52,291
Britain's most famous war hero.
661
00:38:52,401 --> 00:38:57,805
Nelson lost an arm, an eye, an ear
and a leg in various battles.
662
00:38:58,140 --> 00:38:59,869
Towards the end, the poor guy
was nothing more
663
00:38:59,975 --> 00:39:02,068
than a broomstick
with a cute little admiral's hat on.
664
00:39:10,319 --> 00:39:11,547
Oh, God.
665
00:39:12,254 --> 00:39:14,722
That four-eyed geek's staring at us.
666
00:39:14,857 --> 00:39:17,325
No, I believe he's staring at me.
667
00:39:19,895 --> 00:39:21,522
Hi, is this seat taken?
668
00:39:22,631 --> 00:39:23,723
What do I do?
669
00:39:23,833 --> 00:39:26,324
Open your cakehole, you bleeding idiot,
and tell her how you feel.
670
00:39:30,406 --> 00:39:34,206
You are the most beautiful woman
I've ever seen in my life
671
00:39:34,443 --> 00:39:37,071
and I'd give two years' tuition
to sleep with you.
672
00:39:37,747 --> 00:39:39,715
That's being a bit too honest, mate.
673
00:39:39,815 --> 00:39:42,648
You're sweet.
You're like a horny little Care Bear.
674
00:39:43,619 --> 00:39:45,450
Okay, I think.
675
00:39:57,933 --> 00:39:59,764
What's so special about this place?
676
00:39:59,869 --> 00:40:02,861
The best fish and chips in all of London.
Come on.
677
00:40:02,972 --> 00:40:07,966
And then, Winnie looked up,
gazed at me over his glasses and said,
678
00:40:08,844 --> 00:40:12,143
"I see you're adept at running numbers,
679
00:40:12,248 --> 00:40:15,513
"but how good are you at cracking code?"
680
00:40:16,786 --> 00:40:20,586
And that, children, is how I saved England.
681
00:40:21,056 --> 00:40:26,187
Wait a minute. Winnie? You?
You knew Winston Churchill?
682
00:40:26,429 --> 00:40:31,765
Well, I'm not talking
about Winnie the bleeding Pooh, am I?
683
00:40:33,235 --> 00:40:36,762
- Jackie, where's that pint?
- JACKIE: Coming right up.
684
00:40:36,872 --> 00:40:38,305
I owe you an apology.
685
00:40:38,407 --> 00:40:41,808
I completely underestimated you.
You're a wonderful teacher.
686
00:40:41,911 --> 00:40:43,173
Thank you.
687
00:40:43,279 --> 00:40:44,473
So, I take it you had fun today.
688
00:40:44,580 --> 00:40:47,048
Are you kidding me? I had a ball.
689
00:40:47,650 --> 00:40:50,483
Oh, my God, the ball.
690
00:40:51,620 --> 00:40:53,178
The House of Lords is still debating
691
00:40:53,289 --> 00:40:55,280
the proposal
on the West End theater project,
692
00:40:55,391 --> 00:40:57,359
but I think
that we have to come together on this
693
00:40:57,460 --> 00:40:59,860
to find a viable way and move forward.
694
00:40:59,962 --> 00:41:01,589
Bloody bastard!
695
00:41:03,199 --> 00:41:05,633
Okay, just one man's opinion.
696
00:41:07,002 --> 00:41:10,062
Oh, not you, Lord Wrightwood.
My apologies.
697
00:41:11,407 --> 00:41:12,465
Please excuse me.
698
00:41:15,377 --> 00:41:17,743
What the hell is he doing here?
699
00:41:17,913 --> 00:41:20,507
Taj is a friend and guest, Pip.
700
00:41:21,083 --> 00:41:23,517
And I'd appreciate you making him feel
part of this evening.
701
00:41:25,421 --> 00:41:28,857
You know, Charlotte, you're right.
I didn't mean to be rude.
702
00:41:28,958 --> 00:41:30,425
Thanks, Pip.
703
00:41:30,993 --> 00:41:33,928
"And the fire that breaks from thee then,
704
00:41:34,430 --> 00:41:36,557
"a billion times lovelier,
705
00:41:37,433 --> 00:41:39,094
"more dangerous,
706
00:41:39,535 --> 00:41:42,333
"O, my chevalier!
707
00:41:43,105 --> 00:41:49,442
"No wonder of it.
Shine, and blue-bleak embers, my dear,
708
00:41:50,613 --> 00:41:53,377
"Fall, gall themselves,
709
00:41:54,450 --> 00:41:58,079
"and gash gold-vermillion."
710
00:42:03,959 --> 00:42:07,019
Thank you, Sir Wilfred,
that was a real treat.
711
00:42:08,831 --> 00:42:12,232
Now, as is tradition in the literary ball,
712
00:42:12,501 --> 00:42:15,470
I'd like to call on
a member of our visiting faculty
713
00:42:15,571 --> 00:42:19,302
to share with us his favorite British poet.
714
00:42:20,843 --> 00:42:22,538
Taj Badalandabad.
715
00:42:24,680 --> 00:42:26,614
To the podium, please.
716
00:42:33,589 --> 00:42:36,080
Pip, this certainly comes as a surprise.
717
00:42:36,191 --> 00:42:41,151
I think that it's important a visiting
foreign instructor like Mr. Badalandabad
718
00:42:41,330 --> 00:42:45,234
have an appreciation for the heritage
and culture with which he hopes to teach.
719
00:42:46,068 --> 00:42:48,229
- Have fun, Raji.
- Thank you.
720
00:43:00,215 --> 00:43:01,842
"There's a lady,
721
00:43:02,885 --> 00:43:07,515
"who is sure that all that glitters is gold,
722
00:43:09,024 --> 00:43:12,289
"because she's buying
a stairway in Hampstead."
723
00:43:15,531 --> 00:43:19,763
Now, she can't get no satisfaction.
724
00:43:20,302 --> 00:43:23,897
No. No, no, no. No, she can't get
no satisfaction, none at all,
725
00:43:24,974 --> 00:43:29,411
even when she's driving in her smart car
726
00:43:29,511 --> 00:43:32,378
or listening on the radio.
727
00:43:33,315 --> 00:43:37,445
Or even when she's pleading with Roxanne
to turn on the red light.
728
00:43:37,720 --> 00:43:39,984
Damn it, Roxanne, turn on that red light,
729
00:43:40,089 --> 00:43:44,219
or Maxwell's Silver Hammer will come
smashing down upon your head.
730
00:43:44,526 --> 00:43:47,256
Turn on that red light, you bitch, Roxanne,
731
00:43:47,363 --> 00:43:51,231
or we'll all end up in a big white house
with black curtains at the station.
732
00:43:52,568 --> 00:43:56,060
Or would you rather live
along the watchtower? No.
733
00:43:56,372 --> 00:43:58,272
Then turn on the red light, Roxanne,
734
00:43:58,374 --> 00:44:01,571
or I'll have my 19th nervous breakdown
for real.
735
00:44:02,277 --> 00:44:04,108
It's the real thing.
736
00:44:04,680 --> 00:44:06,272
It's even better than the real thing.
737
00:44:08,050 --> 00:44:10,917
I really want you all to want me.
738
00:44:11,687 --> 00:44:16,750
I really want to take all of you higher,
trust me.
739
00:44:18,494 --> 00:44:21,292
Do I look like an American idiot to you?
740
00:44:23,832 --> 00:44:24,924
No.
741
00:44:26,301 --> 00:44:31,136
Which is why I wish you all
the time of your life.
742
00:44:43,485 --> 00:44:44,747
Thanks.
743
00:44:46,922 --> 00:44:48,583
Jolly good show.
744
00:44:49,925 --> 00:44:51,586
- You liked it?
- Absolutely.
745
00:44:51,694 --> 00:44:52,991
That young man's presentation
746
00:44:53,095 --> 00:44:56,087
strung together the words
of the poets of the street.
747
00:44:56,198 --> 00:44:59,497
Not unlike the American rapper, Eminem,
whom I rather dig.
748
00:45:05,441 --> 00:45:07,375
TAJ: You know,
I love the British limerick as well.
749
00:45:07,476 --> 00:45:10,070
In fact, I read one at Kensington station
just last week.
750
00:45:10,179 --> 00:45:11,510
Tell me if you know it.
751
00:45:11,613 --> 00:45:13,547
"There once was a woman from Heath,
752
00:45:13,649 --> 00:45:15,549
"who circumcised men with her teeth."
753
00:45:16,585 --> 00:45:17,711
Taj.
754
00:45:18,854 --> 00:45:22,051
I'd like you to meet my parents,
Martha and Richard.
755
00:45:22,524 --> 00:45:24,151
And of course you know Sir Wilfred.
756
00:45:24,259 --> 00:45:25,920
Hello, it's a pleasure to meet both of you.
757
00:45:26,028 --> 00:45:28,690
I can certainly see
where Charlotte gets her
758
00:45:30,299 --> 00:45:31,664
sense of seriousness from.
759
00:45:35,304 --> 00:45:37,465
You put on a very impressive exhibition
tonight, young man.
760
00:45:37,573 --> 00:45:38,767
You should be congratulated.
761
00:45:38,874 --> 00:45:41,536
Thank you very much. I actually owe it all
to my good friend Pip here,
762
00:45:41,643 --> 00:45:45,545
who encouraged when others
would have discouraged. Thanks, Pip.
763
00:45:45,647 --> 00:45:48,912
Young man, I want you
to have a drink with me.
764
00:45:49,251 --> 00:45:50,980
Sure. Excuse me.
765
00:45:53,021 --> 00:45:54,784
He's quite clever, isn't he?
766
00:45:54,890 --> 00:45:58,155
I think I need a drink myself.
Martha, would you care to join me?
767
00:45:58,260 --> 00:45:59,386
Yes.
768
00:46:01,096 --> 00:46:03,189
This Raj fellow...
769
00:46:03,398 --> 00:46:04,763
Taj, his name is Taj.
770
00:46:04,867 --> 00:46:06,391
Right, Taj, then.
771
00:46:06,502 --> 00:46:10,029
I believe he's been creating
quite a scuttlebutt at school as well.
772
00:46:10,139 --> 00:46:13,302
Oh, he just has an original way
of doing things.
773
00:46:13,442 --> 00:46:15,501
Charles, you're more than old enough
to make your own friends,
774
00:46:15,611 --> 00:46:18,705
but it would be a pity
to jeopardize your relationship with Pip.
775
00:46:19,481 --> 00:46:21,813
The Everetts are a very important family.
776
00:46:21,917 --> 00:46:26,013
Yes, I know, Daddy.
Pip's reminded me many times.
777
00:46:26,121 --> 00:46:27,850
All I'm saying is,
778
00:46:28,056 --> 00:46:31,617
it's not every girl that gets the opportunity
to become the wife of an earl.
779
00:46:32,194 --> 00:46:33,627
I'm sure you'll make the right decision.
780
00:46:36,431 --> 00:46:38,023
(JIG MUSIC PLA YING ON STEREO)
781
00:46:38,500 --> 00:46:40,365
(PEOPLE CHEERING)
782
00:46:49,545 --> 00:46:51,137
Are you sure we get points for this?
783
00:46:51,246 --> 00:46:53,806
Seventy-five, Gethin. Winner take all.
784
00:47:03,258 --> 00:47:04,418
I've run a few numbers, sir.
785
00:47:04,526 --> 00:47:07,654
Their beer gut intake
is almost incalculably large.
786
00:47:07,763 --> 00:47:11,221
Have some faith, Gethin.
There are forces of nature at work here.
787
00:47:15,871 --> 00:47:18,863
Stop staring at her tits, they're fake.
788
00:47:20,008 --> 00:47:21,805
(BURPING)
789
00:47:30,552 --> 00:47:32,611
ROGER: They've actually moved up
in the standings.
790
00:47:32,721 --> 00:47:34,313
Do you think that's cause for concern?
791
00:47:34,423 --> 00:47:35,913
With that lot?
792
00:47:36,024 --> 00:47:37,286
The only things we've got to worry about
793
00:47:37,392 --> 00:47:40,190
are communicable diseases
and fashion faux pas.
794
00:47:40,295 --> 00:47:41,728
I mean, really.
63329
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