Original subtitles

TAJ: The legendary Van Wilder was my mentor.

He enabled me to become the king of cool at Coolidge College.

Thanks to his many insightful life lessons, like, "Two's company,

"and three is only good if there's no class the next day. "

I'm now going to England to take the path of another great man, my father,

and continue my academic studies at Camford University.

After pursuing my degree in history, I'll go ahead

After pursuing my degree in history, I'll go ahead

and get a minor in major muff-munching.

You're not listening to anything I'm saying, are you?

Not a word, Mr. Minor-in-Major-Muff-Munching.

- FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish? - Yes, I'll have the chicken, please.

Enjoy your meal.

- Thank you very much. - You're welcome.

All right.

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Chicken or fish? MAN: Chicken.

- Excuse me. - Yes?

Is that Madame Mandira's Homemade Bombay Hot Sauce?

No way, you know it?

Habanero and cayenne peppers mixed with lime juice, vinegar, onions and salt.

From the great Calcutta Salt Lake?

Would you like some?

Sorry. I'm so clumsy.

(MOANING)

Sorry. I have this thing for spices.

(STAMMERING) You have "a thing"?

Well...

You want some of this, don't you, you dirty little whore?

(MOANING)

Come and get it.

(GROANING)

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

Don't stop.

(UNZIPPING)

- I said, "Don't stop." - Okay, okay.

Not stopping.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? You like hot sauce on your kebabs, cookie?

Oh, that's hot. Oh, that's hot.

Oh, that's actually...

(SCREAMING)

(BOYS WILL BE BOYS PLAYING)

Smell that, Balzac?

That is the aroma of higher education.

The aroma of young minds absorbing knowledge. The aromas...

Yes.

The aroma of that, too.

Let us make haste, my friend,

to the fraternal house where my family name became legend.

Come on.

(BOYS WILL BE BOYS CONTINUES PLAYING)

"May driving on the wrong side of the road,

"lead you down the right path.

"Write that down. Van."

Well, well, well. What do we have here?

- Percy? - 2:30...

Taj Mahal

Badalandabad.

Wow.

It's even more magnificent than I imagined it.

Isn't that right, Balzac?

Balzac?

Oh, shit! Balzac, that's no way to make a first impression.

Lick it up.

- Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds. - Welcome to the house of Fox and Hounds.

Good afternoon.

Pip Everett, Earl of Grey. How do you do?

I do very well, thank you.

Splendid. How may we help you?

My name is Taj Mahal Badalandabad, your newest and proudest member.

Fantastic. Fantastic.

- Come and meet the guys. - Sure.

- Come and meet the guys. - Sure.

This is incredible.

The oldest and finest fraternal guild in all of England.

You know, I've been dreaming of this day since I was a boy.

- Champagne? - Thank you.

Since my father, Dilip, who was known by his fellow Hounds

as the Womb Broom Badalandabad,

(MEN LAUGHING)

Would tell me stories about his time here during the swinging '60s.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Quiet. Quiet, quiet, please.

Now, it has been enjoyable

shagging all of you groovy chicks.

But the further spreading of my baby gravy

will have to wait.

(GIRLS SCREAMING)

Good show. Good show.

And we're equally excited to have you as one of our members.

Welcome.

Ladies, perhaps you could show

Sir Womb Broom the Second to his new room.

- Our pleasure. - Our pleasure.

Thank you, ladies.

You know, something about you reminds me of you.

Why?

- PIP: Mr. Badalandabad? - Yes?

- Might I see your acceptance letter? - Sure.

Thank you.

Usually put them in the scrapbook or something?

No. Not usually.

- Oh, dear. - What's wrong?

This is very awkward.

There seems to have been a terrible mistake.

Typographical, you see.

This letter's supposed to say that you've not been accepted.

- What? - I'm very sorry.

But please do pop in any time and say hello.

But my father went here. I'm a legacy.

Where else would you expect me to go?

Well, I do see your quandary, old boy.

I do know of one opportunity, but it's only eligible for dongs.

Perhaps they'll consider a Taj.

Dongs are what you Americans so eloquently call teaching assistants.

Yes. Well, I am a teaching assistant.

Yes. Here it is.

- What is it? - You'd be a head of house of sorts,

for a very elite group of students in a dwelling called the Barn.

- The Barn? - An architectural wonder.

- The Barn? - One of the oldest buildings on campus.

- Is it red? - No.

- Then it's not a barn. - Yes, but it's steeped in history.

Good luck, then.

You, too.

Come on, Balzac. �ndale.

Christ, he's got monkey nuts.

- Did you see his face? - The Barn?

I do believe that was the best one yet.

- You were wonderful. - That was a classic, Pip.

- Brilliant. - Don't you boys ever get tired

of playing that same crass, demeaning joke?

- No. - No.

Another jolly good show. I must say, it is so much fun being me.

Is that...

(SQUISHING)

Could someone please get me some Tidy Wipes?

(GET UP, GETON PLAYING)

Well, Balzac, as Mr. Van Wilder would say,

it's not the building that matters, it's the people inside.

Come on.

Excuse me. I'm looking for the Barn residence hall.

- The Barn. - Piss off.

Pin-headed squirrelly-Iooking bastard.

Sorry for the intrusion, you hairy-arsed dipso Paddy headbanger.

Hey, you're speaking the local lingo right and proper.

What did you say your name was again?

Taj Badalandabad, your new head of house.

Taj Badalandabad, that's quite a tongue-twister.

It's not that hard to say. You got it right.

Yeah, but I've been drinking all day. You want some?

No, I'm okay, actually. You enjoy your backwash.

- Hi. - Hi, you look funny.

- I'm Gethin. - Hi, Gethin, I'm Taj,

your new resident advisor.

Oh, I'm so sorry, sir. The house is such a mess.

I feel so ashamed.

Please stop. Don't call me sir and don't be formal.

This is a very informal setting and, Gethin, stand up straight.

A man always looks more confident when he's erect.

Now, what's all this?

I'm a dual major.

Maths/ quantum physics.

Following the tradition of the great Stephen Hawking, huh?

Not exactly. Numbers geeks don't have the hottest social life,

so I did a sexual statistics compatibility survey with all the colleges in England.

Camford came up with the highest nerd-per-willing-chick probability ratio.

The pursuit of the pink taco.

Gethin, I think you and I are kindred spirits in the search for the vertical smile.

- The what, sir? - The vertical smile.

You know, the scrambled eggs between the legs...

I don't know what that is.

...the sunny-side-up on the way to the butt.

GETHIN: Say again?

Hello. What's your name?

- Hello? - Simon doesn't like to talk.

Simon?

It's a pleasure to meet you regardless,

and I look forward to hearing from you

when you have something that you would like to say.

How about you, Balzac?

Hey, buddy. Did you meet everybody?

Hey, what's up with the mutt?

Looks like it's dragging a pair of soccer balls.

He's a purebred English bulldog.

It's English, is it? That's why it's such an ugly little bastard.

- He can hear you. - I don't care.

Why do you have all that pent-up aggression?

I'm Irish and the English have been giving us the shaft

for over 500 years and counting.

Well, time out for a second. I'm Indian.

And England invaded India in the 1700s,

and didn't leave until less than 60 years ago.

Until then, we were just another one of its colonies, not unlike your Northern Ireland.

- Really? - Yeah.

That makes us brothers.

(BOTH GRUNTING)

I'm dead.

So I assume those are real.

You all right?

I'm sorry I lobbed you in the face, mate.

Fancy a sneaky quick one?

No. No, no, I think you've given me enough sneaky quick ones for the day.

Thank you, Seamus.

Sadie, this is Taj Badalandabad, our new head of house.

All right, me old mucker. Have a shake, then, I ain't got the clap or nothing.

- What? - She means handshake.

Right. Of course. Of course, hi.

Sadie is a cockney.

Takes time to understand her. Words fit in her mouth funny.

Lucky words.

You enjoying your time at Camford, Sadie?

Yeah, it's all right. Blokes are a bit stuffy here, though.

I mean, I never thought it would be so hard

to find someone worth slurping the old panhandle.

You know, giving a blow job.

Nothing like getting your tongue around a nice fat one.

Sliding it in and out.

In and out. In and out. In and out.

Milking it like a cow until it explodes into the back of your mouth.

I must have an amazing ear for dialects.

I understood everything that she said perfectly.

So, how long will you be staying with us before you move to a better house, then,

Mr. Badalandabad?

- I don't follow. - It's all right, sir.

We all know we're losers.

SADIE: Well, round here in this campus

we're like crusty brown sheep dung off an old work boot.

That's painting too pretty a picture, if you ask me.

Hey, time out, guys.

You know, a few years ago, I was exactly where you guys were.

Almost.

Not really at all, actually.

But look, the point is that there's potential, okay?

There's potential here. That's what I see.

You know, sometimes it just takes a while to cultivate one's own personal greatness.

- It's okay, sir. - People always say nice things.

And then they leave.

Balzac, I don't think I will succeed as the sultan of snatch in this place.

All I wanted to do was spread a little Badalandabad butter on an English muffin.

Well, Van, what would you do?

(WOMAN MOANING)

TAJ: Oh, yeah. That's nice.

(WOMAN GRUNTING)

WOMAN: Yeah.

You like that long one, don't you, Miss Nude America?

Yeah, you do.

Miss Nevada likes it hard.

TAJ: Yeah, scream a bit louder for more points.

Crazy room. Will you take a look at this place?

Hey, good morning, guys.

Bloody hell. This must have cost a fortune.

It's an investment.

The coolest, most confident kids on campus are living here.

- Who's moving in? - The new you, Gethin.

The new all of you.

And to celebrate, I got us an invitation to the campus-wide inaugural ball tonight.

Black tie only. When should we leave? Oi!

Where are you going?

It's being tossed by that royal chutney ferret and his chorus of nancy boys.

Yeah, translation?

Pip Everett is the Earl of Grey, 14 spots removed from the Queen herself.

He also happens to be head of the Fox and Hounds,

who are sponsoring the ball.

Yes, I've met Pip and I really wouldn't be concerned.

No, sir. You don't understand.

Each one of us were invited into the Fox and Hounds,

only to be told when we arrived that there had been some sort of

"typographical error" in our acceptance letters.

Bloody right. Supposedly the bastards do it every year.

- Just for their jollies. - This happened to all of you?

Well, you guys must be livid.

No. It's pretty much the story of our lives.

The story of... I don't believe what I'm hearing.

Those Fox and Hounds douche bags.

Those pubic-hair tooth flossers have no right to tell us what to do.

We're going to show them... No.

We're going show ourselves that we can go wherever we want,

whenever we want.

Now, we're going to this party and we're going to look hot.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

So they're rich, powerful and beautiful.

Take away their good looks, their money and their superior attitudes,

- and what do you have? - Us?

My point, Gethin, is that they're no better than us.

Have some courage, guys.

There's an old saying. "Jumping off a cliff only hurts if you forget how to fly."

Excuse me, sir. I think the actual saying is that...

Well, it doesn't matter what the actual saying is, Gethin.

It's the intent.

Stand up straight.

Now, where is Simon?

He said he'd be here when he was done fussing with his bow tie.

All right. Well, go, guys. Have fun. Go, my little sparrows.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Would you like to dance? Would you like to dance?

Would you like to dance? Do you like to dance?

I'd love to dance with you.

So lean, so strong.

So virile.

(LAD Y MULGROVE GASPING)

Do you know I'm not wearing any...

Lady Mulgrove, I believe Lord Mulgrove was looking for you over there.

Pity.

(LAD Y MULGROVE CHUCKLES)

Lady Mulgrove loves her sherry, I'm afraid.

Well, you know, I've never been checked for a hernia on the dance floor before.

I have to say, the old lady's tremor was actually mildly erotic.

Would you like to dance?

Well, actually I have a...

A younger sister you could hook me up with instead?

Why did I say that?

I'm gonna go slit my wrists in the corner painfully now.

- Thank you. Bye. - Wait. Wait.

Yes.

- Why not? - Great.

- So, I've not seen you on campus before. - Yes, I'm nude.

New, I'm a new graduate student.

- And how are you finding it? - Great, actually.

It's fantastic. Everyone's really nice,

except for this royal jackass named Pip.

- Pip? - Yes. Pip Everett,

the Earl of Grey, is a world-class jerk.

- You didn't get on with him? - No.

You would detest him as well.

I would imagine that only another bubble-headed snob

could stand to be in his company for longer than it takes to suck on a Tic Tac.

Charlie, there you are. Oh, I see you've met Haj.

Charlie?

Or you can just call me the bubble-headed snob.

So, how are things working out at the Barn?

Very well, actually. The residents are very special people.

Special, indeed.

Take it back! Say you like Irish whiskey.

Excuse me.

(GRUNTING)

Oh, go on. A little heavy snoggin' with your husband's all you've been wanting.

I beg your pardon?

You know what we ladies need, sweetie? A good poke in the low whiskers.

Yes, the lower whiskers, right next to the Scottish Highlands,

a favorite vacation spot. Excuse us.

- No, Taj. I was talking about her vagina. - Yes.

(GLASS CLINKING)

I would like to welcome everyone to the official opening

of the competition for the Hastings Cup.

Why do they call it a competition when we always win?

The Hastings Cup represents all that is best in a university.

Camford's most gifted have competed for 600 years.

And now it gives me great pleasure

to introduce the winners of last year's competition,

the Foxes and the Hounds.

Thank you, sir.

On behalf of my fellow members,

I'd like to wish the other houses the best of luck

on this year's competition. May the best lads win.

(JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING)

Don't let that little Indian fellow put you down, Charlie.

He's hardly worth putting a frown on your beautiful face.

Why was he upset with you?

I think he was rejected from the Fox and Hounds the other day.

Poor bloke was devastated.

You know, perhaps I'll have a word. Cheer him up.

You're sweet.

It's all part of being an earl, my dear.

Constructive criticism.

Seamus, we need to work on your anger management skills.

Sadie, close your legs.

We just need to figure out exactly how much you can drink.

And, Gethin...

Oh, Gethin, sit up straight...

PIP: Excuse me, Raji.

- My name is Taj. - I don't care.

I just wanted to share a little tidbit with you.

When my great-great-grandfather, Rupert Everett the Third,

became the first governor of the Indian colony,

he also took on a band of pet monkeys.

But he used to keep his outside. There's the door.

Please make sure it hits all of you on the way out.

- Oh, Poop? - It's Pip.

I know. A friend of mine used to say that if you can't join them, beat them.

You might want to write that down.

Hi, ladies and gentlemen. I am Taj Mahal Badalandabad

- What the hell is he doing? ...and I have an important

- Holy crap. He's gone bleeding mad. ...announcement.

And in the spirit of the inaugural ball,

I would like to announce the formation of a new fraternal house, commencing now.

Ladies and gentlemen, please get your first look at the smart, the sexy,

the very literal-minded, wearing black tie only,

Cock and Bulls.

(PEOPLE GASPING)

(PEOPLE LAUGHING)

GETHIN: We'll never be able to show our faces again.

We're the laughingstock of the whole bloody school.

To hell with the lot of them.

What is with the lack of self-image?

You know, we have the potential to be the best house on this campus.

And I would go so far as to say

that we could even win the Hastings Cup this year.

How the hell could we win the cup?

Seamus, winning the cup is based on accumulating points

in academics, athletics and social services.

- Now, Gethin here excels... - SEAMUS: Hold on, hold on, hold on.

I'm a banged-up rugby player,

she's a sausage jockey for the price of a pint

Oi! And dinner.

...and he's got the bleeding personality of a toaster oven.

...and he's got the bleeding personality of a toaster oven.

So, you've decided to accept defeat before you've even tried, huh?

What if Columbus had done that just because of a bout with seasickness?

Or if Babe Ruth had decided to walk off after his first rookie season

just because of a little syphilis?

Or what if Ravi Shankar had decided to give up the sitar

just because he knew he'd be able get a lot more chooch playing the guitar?

You guys, society has always stifled those with great minds.

I believe in you.

And you should too.

Now,

to the Cock and Bulls.

I said, to the Cock and Bulls.

ALL: To the Cock and Bulls. TAJ: To the Cock and Bulls.

- To the Cock and Bulls. - To the Cock and Bulls.

To the Cock and Bulls!

Why do you insist on manipulating the table like that

with the fist, coming down?

- Morning. - Morning.

You know,

I was rather wonderful last night, wasn't I?

I was here, too, you know.

No, not the sex, silly. I was talking about our dinner with Lord Wrightwood.

How do you think it went?

Well, you fawned over his every word.

I half expected you to get up from the table and kiss his arse.

I thought it went well, too.

And after graduation, I'm sure he'll be happy to oblige me

with a recommendation for a diplomatic position.

Pip, class isn't for an hour. Come back to bed for a bit.

But I haven't done my exercises yet.

- And I have to exfoliate. - I can put a glow on your cheeks.

Charlie, hello. We did it last night.

Wednesday. Our night.

I don't understand why we have to have a night.

Why can't we just do it whenever we feel like it?

Because we're British and we control ourselves.

Charlie, I have a busy schedule.

And I'd rather not tell people I have no energy

because I was off fornicating all night.

Now, which shirt do you like better?

Mauve or turbot? I like the mauve.

But it is difficult with my jaw line.

TAJ: "We have this day given order

"to our Chancellor of the United Kingdom and our Chancellor of Ireland,

"that they do respectively upon notice here

"of forewith issues of writ effective immediately

"that pigs and chickens will no longer be tolerated

"in the House of Commons."

Would anyone like to comment on the House of the Lords journal

volume 64, August 1832?

Yeah. Me, neither.

God, this is boring.

Everybody rip out page 32.

- Sir? - You heard me.

Everybody rip out page 32.

You've seen Dead Poets Society. Rip out page 32.

Come on, if you don't rip out page 32, I'll fail all of you.

Yes!

God, these things are so old, they're petrified.

You know what, just throw the whole damn thing out the window.

I think he's plumb sauced, he is.

Sir, I don't think throwing books out is such a good idea.

Yes, there you go, Seamus.

See, everybody do that,

and send these books back to the 1800s where they belong.

- Come on, Gethin. - No, I can't.

Haven't you ever heard of the expression "in with the old, out with the new"?

Yes, sir. But I think the actual expression is...

Oh, it doesn't matter what the actual expression is, Gethin.

Why are you thinking when you should be throwing?

Ejaculate your book.

Yeah, go on, Gethie. Get over it.

Give it a throw, limey.

Come on, Gethin. Expunge 20 years of oppression out the window.

(EX CLAIMING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Mr. Badalandabad, might I see you out in the hall?

Certainly.

Excuse me, class.

Why don't you all read chapter two while I'm gone?

But we haven't got any books.

Have you gone completely and utterly mad?

I don't know how you did things at Coolidge College.

- You've been checking on me. - Yes. And, frankly, I'm concerned.

And as your supervisor, it's my job to make sure that there's...

Wait, wait, wait. You're my supervisor?

Well, I... Let me just say then that I am so enthused to be under you.

What I mean is that I'm extremely hard.

Hard-pressed to...

Mr. Badalandabad, it really doesn't even matter

what you think of me or of the textbooks.

Because if you wish to receive your doctorate from this university,

you'll have to follow the rules set forth by...

By men who what?

Who wore funny boxer shorts and garter belts and died decades ago?

Who never saw a man walk on the moon or listened to Lil' Kim on an MP3 player

or watched muff-to-muff triple-penetration cooch-munching

- on the internet? - What does that have to do with anything?

Okay. Maybe, that was a bit much. I'm sorry.

But my point, Miss Higginson,

is that there is more than one way to skin a mongoose.

History can be about so much more than random dates and ancient artifacts.

It can teach us about ourselves.

About our flaws, our hopes, even our dreams.

And all I'm saying, Mr. Badalandabad,

is that at this university, there's only one way to skin a mongoose.

And it's my way.

Good day.

ANNOUNCER: Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to the opening event of seven competitions

between our five fraternal houses for the Hastings Cup.

They're bleeding huge.

Guys, come on, it's badminton. The game is played with a limp wrist.

How hard could it be?

(THUDDING)

Simon.

You were saying?

Okay. It is probably safe to assume

that we will probably not emerge victorious from this match.

However, it's very important that we maintain our dignities.

Gethin, just get the serve in.

- Fine. - I have an idea.

Sadie...

(INAUDIBLE)

Simon, it's yours!

ANNOUNCER: Game, Fox and Hounds.

TAJ: It was not so bad.

Okay, it was so bad, but why are you refusing to look on the bright side?

Oh, we're going to bleed to death of internal injuries?

No, we have made an impression.

I mean, would you rather be miserable and known,

or miserable and anonymous?

- Anonymous. - Anonymous.

Sir, I think we were fooling ourselves

to believe we had even the tiniest chance of winning this.

We're on the board. We're actually on the board.

GETHIN: Yeah, but it doesn't mean anything.

Everybody gets a point for entering. We're still 499 points away.

Okay, Captain Optimistic, you are wrong. This is a beginning.

(HORN HONKING)

Oh, by the by,

just because you're making a spectacle of yourselves,

it doesn't mean you're not still invisible to the rest of us.

That's great, Pip,

because it's very difficult to beat something that you cannot see.

Beat you? You and your sorry lot aren't even worth spitting on.

Diarrhea face.

- Sorry, what did you just call me? - What?

- No, no, no, you definitely said something. - No, I didn't say anything.

- What was it? - No, I didn't...

- You called me diarrhea face. - Really, did I?

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

TAJ: It seems there's a time and a place to hit people.

Yesterday was the wrong time and today is the right place

and here you can win points towards the Hastings Cup.

Hey, Coach, you need another player?

This guy? No way.

Oh, really?

That's one way to do it.

Welcome.

PIP: Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm sure our palates were titillated from the last selection,

but I have an even finer vintage to present to you now.

I must hand it to you, Charlotte. You've done an excellent job with the TAs.

Thank you, Provost.

It's always been my theory

that as long as you're clear with your rules and expectations,

people generally will fall in...

Excuse me one moment. Sorry.

The next cognac you'll be tasting is from a 1793 bottle from the Loire region...

(INAUDIBLE)

Of France. France.

Of France. A fine vintage, as I was saying.

TAJ: So, despite all of their money,

all those statues are actually completely worthless.

What is going on?

Field trip. We're observing the double-breasted, blue-blooded snot.

You're bird watching?

No, no, no, we're observing the behavior of British aristocracy.

Now.

BRB.

I told you to stick to the assigned curriculum.

Yes, and as I explained to you, the assigned curriculum was...

Was something I felt very strongly about.

Which is why I propose a challenge.

- Pardon me? - A challenge.

You see, I believe

that my students' academic achievements are better enhanced

through a series of field trips.

Oh, you do, do you?

Yes, and given the fact

that we have a philosophical difference in our teaching methods,

I suggest that we settle our disputes through a challenge of some sort.

That way, if I win, I can continue as planned, and if...

No! There will be no challenges.

This isn't a grade school playground, Mr. Badalandabad.

If you wish to receive your doctorate from this university,

you'll have to follow the assigned curriculum. Good night.

I figured you might be scared.

The last thing I am in this world is scared of you.

I accept your challenge, which means I get to choose the weapons.

Great. The weapons?

Charlotte, is it just me, or do these absurd paintings

bear a striking resemblance to your absurd boyfriend?

We are in Everett Hall.

Everett Hall.

Oh, please tell me it's Earl of Grey tea contained in this.

The ashes of six generations of Everetts are contained here.

Well, when it's Pip's turn, they're going to have to build a new hall

just to contain his ego.

Shall we begin?

Begin? Yes, let's begin.

Not bad, Miss Higginson, but you should know

that I extensively studied fencing at the university.

University fencing champion. Twice in a row.

I was planning on showing you some mercy, but...

(EX CLAIMS)

What the hell was that?

It's the Rathbone. My fencing teacher taught it to me.

He's quite a good swordsman.

Ah, yes. I've had a few ladies tell me that myself.

Miss Higginson, have you ever seen the movie Zorro?

I have.

Six times.

(GRUNTING)

(SHOUTS)

Nine times.

(COINS CLATTERING)

Count yourself lucky the only thing you lost were your pants.

It's a shame, Miss Higginson. You would have enjoyed the trip.

- I'll be on that field trip. - Will you?

That way, when I have you replaced, I'll be able to explain my reasons.

Good night.

(SHINEPLAYING)

On the right is the famous Tower of London,

where Queen Elizabeth I imprisoned her explorer boyfriend, Sir Walter Raleigh,

after he was found doing the freaky-deaky

with one of her ladies-in-waiting.

Presently people line up outside the tower to see the crown jewels,

which were stolen during the brutal British occupation of India.

The crown jewels are actually quite magnificent.

I don't think anyone's ever waited an hour and a half online to see mine.

Actually, there was that one time at Coolidge.

(SHINE CONTINUES PLAYING)

Now, this is the area

where Charles Dickens used to observe the injustices of London's class system.

"It was the best of times, it was the worst of times."

Write that down.

Come on, guys, let's go. Don't stop to stare, it's just an old church.

(SHINE CONTINUES PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)

On the left, in Trafalgar Square, is a statue of Admiral Horatio Nelson,

Britain's most famous war hero.

Nelson lost an arm, an eye, an ear and a leg in various battles.

Towards the end, the poor guy was nothing more

than a broomstick with a cute little admiral's hat on.

Oh, God.

That four-eyed geek's staring at us.

No, I believe he's staring at me.

Hi, is this seat taken?

What do I do?

Open your cakehole, you bleeding idiot, and tell her how you feel.

You are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life

and I'd give two years' tuition to sleep with you.

That's being a bit too honest, mate.

You're sweet. You're like a horny little Care Bear.

Okay, I think.

What's so special about this place?

The best fish and chips in all of London. Come on.

And then, Winnie looked up, gazed at me over his glasses and said,

"I see you're adept at running numbers,

"but how good are you at cracking code?"

And that, children, is how I saved England.

Wait a minute. Winnie? You? You knew Winston Churchill?

Well, I'm not talking about Winnie the bleeding Pooh, am I?

- Jackie, where's that pint? - JACKIE: Coming right up.

I owe you an apology.

I completely underestimated you. You're a wonderful teacher.

Thank you.

So, I take it you had fun today.

Are you kidding me? I had a ball.

Oh, my God, the ball.

The House of Lords is still debating

the proposal on the West End theater project,

but I think that we have to come together on this

to find a viable way and move forward.

Bloody bastard!

Okay, just one man's opinion.

Oh, not you, Lord Wrightwood. My apologies.

Please excuse me.

What the hell is he doing here?

Taj is a friend and guest, Pip.

And I'd appreciate you making him feel part of this evening.

You know, Charlotte, you're right. I didn't mean to be rude.

Thanks, Pip.

"And the fire that breaks from thee then,

"a billion times lovelier,

"more dangerous,

"O, my chevalier!

"No wonder of it. Shine, and blue-bleak embers, my dear,

"Fall, gall themselves,

"and gash gold-vermillion."

Thank you, Sir Wilfred, that was a real treat.

Now, as is tradition in the literary ball,

I'd like to call on a member of our visiting faculty

to share with us his favorite British poet.

Taj Badalandabad.

To the podium, please.

Pip, this certainly comes as a surprise.

I think that it's important a visiting foreign instructor like Mr. Badalandabad

have an appreciation for the heritage and culture with which he hopes to teach.

- Have fun, Raji. - Thank you.

"There's a lady,

"who is sure that all that glitters is gold,

"because she's buying a stairway in Hampstead."

Now, she can't get no satisfaction.

No. No, no, no. No, she can't get no satisfaction, none at all,

even when she's driving in her smart car

or listening on the radio.

Or even when she's pleading with Roxanne to turn on the red light.

Damn it, Roxanne, turn on that red light,

or Maxwell's Silver Hammer will come smashing down upon your head.

Turn on that red light, you bitch, Roxanne,

or we'll all end up in a big white house with black curtains at the station.

Or would you rather live along the watchtower? No.

Then turn on the red light, Roxanne,

or I'll have my 19th nervous breakdown for real.

It's the real thing.

It's even better than the real thing.

I really want you all to want me.

I really want to take all of you higher, trust me.

Do I look like an American idiot to you?

No.

Which is why I wish you all the time of your life.

Thanks.

Jolly good show.

- You liked it? - Absolutely.

That young man's presentation

strung together the words of the poets of the street.

Not unlike the American rapper, Eminem, whom I rather dig.

TAJ: You know, I love the British limerick as well.

In fact, I read one at Kensington station just last week.

Tell me if you know it.

"There once was a woman from Heath,

"who circumcised men with her teeth."

Taj.

I'd like you to meet my parents, Martha and Richard.

And of course you know Sir Wilfred.

Hello, it's a pleasure to meet both of you.

I can certainly see where Charlotte gets her

sense of seriousness from.

You put on a very impressive exhibition tonight, young man.

You should be congratulated.

Thank you very much. I actually owe it all to my good friend Pip here,

who encouraged when others would have discouraged. Thanks, Pip.

Young man, I want you to have a drink with me.

Sure. Excuse me.

He's quite clever, isn't he?

I think I need a drink myself. Martha, would you care to join me?

Yes.

This Raj fellow...

Taj, his name is Taj.

Right, Taj, then.

I believe he's been creating quite a scuttlebutt at school as well.

Oh, he just has an original way of doing things.

Charles, you're more than old enough to make your own friends,

but it would be a pity to jeopardize your relationship with Pip.

The Everetts are a very important family.

Yes, I know, Daddy. Pip's reminded me many times.

All I'm saying is,

it's not every girl that gets the opportunity to become the wife of an earl.

I'm sure you'll make the right decision.

(JIG MUSIC PLA YING ON STEREO)

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

Are you sure we get points for this?

Seventy-five, Gethin. Winner take all.

I've run a few numbers, sir.

Their beer gut intake is almost incalculably large.

Have some faith, Gethin. There are forces of nature at work here.

Stop staring at her tits, they're fake.

(BURPING)

ROGER: They've actually moved up in the standings.

Do you think that's cause for concern?

With that lot?

The only things we've got to worry about

are communicable diseases and fashion faux pas.

I mean, really.