All language subtitles for The.Truth.About.Cats.and.Dogs.1996.720p.BluRay.x264-PSYCHD_eng

(instrumental music playing)

Thank you.

(elevator dings)

Wait, wait, wait.

Man:
Oh, great.

Thanks.

Excuse me.

Don't touch that dial.

It's not Texaco's hour
at the Metropolitan.

It's Dr. Abby Barnes
with "The Truth About Cats & Dogs"

and you're on the air.

- Woman: Hello?
- Hi.

Oh, hi. This is Charles
from San Pedro.

And, okay, my question is
I'm worried about

my basset hound, Clothilde.

- She doesn't wanna seem to eat.
- Doesn't wanna eat.

Well, you know what, Charles?

Usually, Basset hounds
don't wanna eat what they can't smell.

- Does she have a cold by any chance?
- Oh, she is coughing a little bit.

Okay. Is it a dry,
wheezing like...

(wheezing)
...type of cough,

or is it a wetter,
phlegm-based cough?

It's like the first one,
more like the wheezy one.

- Okay. Can you put her on?
- The dog? On the phone?

- Yeah.
- (laughs) Okay.

Clothilde, come here, baby!
Come here.

Okay, here she is, Doctor.

- (Clothilde coughing)
- Oh, baby!

Yeah, she's got a cold, Charles.

You're gonna have to
take her to the vet.

- Right now?
- Right away.

- Man: Yes. Hello?
- Hello?

Yes, my name is Dan, okay?
And I have a cat.

And he licked up and down my face,
and now I got this awful-lookin' rash.

You see what I'm sayin'?

- You're allergic to his saliva, Dan.
- No, no, no, I'm not.

I mean, you know,
I never have been

prior to this occasion
is what I'm talking about.

But you're saying he licked your face
and now it's all gross, correct?

- Well, yeah.
- Okay.

How long did this tongue-bath last?

Well, let's see, it started at 1:00...

(mumbling)

- About three hours.
- Oh, Dan.

No, no, it doesn't seem
to hurt him any.

Abby: Right, because that's...
he's a fur person, Dan.

He chases imaginary bugs up the wall.
Are you gonna do that, too?

- Imaginary? No.
- No, no.

Okay, this is a good time
to talk about limits.

You can love your pets,
but just don't... love your pets.

You know what I mean?
Repeat after me.

Us, them.

- (pop music playing)
- Hi, babyhead!

(cat meows)

- How are you?
- (meows)

Wanna come read with me, huh?

Sweetest of all possible
sweet cats in the world?

(meows)

- Huh? Huh, sweetie?
- (purring)

I think we're gonna paint
this weekend. Yes.

You're going to paint,
and I'll watch.

Now you can watch me read.

Well, can I have a kiss?
You didn't kiss me when I came home.

- Kiss.
- (purring)

Thank you.
Thank you, my lovely.

- (knocking at door)
- Man: Noelle?

Down the hall!

- (knocking at door)
- Come on, baby, open up.

- It's me.
- Ass. What an ass.

- You're not Noelle.
- Not today, no.

But try again tomorrow.
Who knows?

- You might get lucky.
- Is she... I mean, is she...

- (hisses)
- (sneezes)

Noelle:
Over here, Roy!

(sneezes)

Aw, man.

- Noelle: Sorry.
- It's okay.

Woman over phone: Hello.
My fish, he's depressed.

My vet said to bring in
a blood sample,

so I tranquilized him
in a 10% diazepam solution,

but he's not moving now.

And I wanna know if you think
I should take him out.

Absolutely. You're sedating him,
not poaching him.

You gotta get him out of there.

We're gonna take a little break,

and then answer
some more of your calls.

Don't go away.

- Ready?
- Bring it on.

Fan mail, fan mail, fan mail,
horse too fat.

- Oh, my God.
- Bad dog, mad dog, sad dog.

- Stinky cat problems.
- We're back in 30, Abby.

Thank you.

Oh, my gosh.

Hey, hey, Mario.
I know her.

No, you don't.
Women like that don't really exist.

Yeah-huh.
This one exists in my building.

Abby, you've got a caller on line 3
who says his dog is hysterical.

Hi, this is Dr. Abby Barnes.
You're on the air.

- (dog barks)
- This is Brian from Venice.

Hi, Brian. What's up?

(British accent)
Well, I've got a dog here

that's a bit out of sorts.

Mm-hmm.

(imitates British accent)
And what's wrong with your dog?

- This is gonna sound strange...
- (dog barking, growling)

He's wearing roller skates.

I see. And how did your dog
end up in roller skates?

Well, actually, he's not my dog.

I got him from the pound
this morning.

I'm a photographer and it's all part
of this shoot that I'm doing.

I thought you said this guy
was a professional.

Oh, no, no, no.
He is a professional.

He's just used to dealing
with Chihuahuas and poodles.

It's the dog that's unprofessional.

- (barks)
- Everyone, it's gonna be fine...

- if we all just stay calm, okay?
- (objects breaking)

You've got to help me here.

All righty, let's help the dog first,
and then we'll help you.

Right now your dog is feeling
very, very threatened,

so if you wanna get close enough
to take the skates off,

you're going to have to approach him
in the submissive position.

- I'm sorry?
- Get down on all fours.

(laughs)

You want me to help you,
you have to do what I say.

(barks)

Okay.

(growling)

Okay.

All right, now crawl toward him
with your head hanging down

and cocked to one side,
and do not make eye contact.

Don't make eye contact.
Okay.

(dog growling)

- Okay, how are you doing?
- He seems interested in me.

(snarling)

Now, you have to make him
feel comfortable.

You're gonna have to soothe him
with your voice.

You hear how I can make my voice
sound very, very soothing?

- (barks)
- Yes.

- (barks)
- Good boy.

(growling)

(barks)

Okay, now reach out your hand with
your fingers curled under like a paw

and try and touch his coat.

(dog growling)

Shit.

- (barking)
- Jesus.

Are all your digits intact, Brian?

- Yep.
- Okay, now move forward.

Just gently stroke his ears,
putting pressure at the tips.

That's an acupressure point.

Okay, just take it easy.

You're doing good.

Okay, careful.
Go for the ears.

- Go out to the tips of the ears.
- Okay.

- Gently. Okay?
- (chuckles)

- That sounds good.
- It's incredible.

Good boy.

Thank you,
but we'll be leaving now.

Oh, no, no, no.
You don't have to leave.

You've gotta understand
what these dogs are getting paid.

They're in the union now.
They're hard to work with.

- We appreciate the opportunity.
- Can you leave the child?

- No, I don't think so.
- You can't turn your back on art.

Let's get these things off you.
Who put these things on you, eh?

Brian, I'd like to take this opportunity
to congratulate you

on the newest addition
to your family.

What?
No, I can't have a dog.

- Well, why is that?
- Well...

Well, I live alone.

Trust me, you're gonna
like this a lot better.

- Maybe, but it's a big responsibility.
- Is that a bad thing?

No, not necessarily.
It just depends on what you want.

He's a big dog,
which is gonna take a lot of...

Give Eric your name,
and we're gonna send you

some pamphlets
on canine dental care.

...which I obviously
haven't got time to do if I want to...

- And, Brian?
- Yeah?

I forgive you.

Yo, come on, man, let's roll.
We're ready to roll.

You've got the shot.
You've got millions of shots.

No, I think this is better
than the thing with the boy.

(camera clicks)

So, what are you gonna do?
You gonna meet us over there later?

Yeah, maybe.
I don't know.

I've got to make him his dinner,
then get his bed ready,

and then I don't think
he should spend

his first night
in a strange place alone.

- Do you?
- Don't get too attached to this dog

and get weird on me, all right?

And plus,
his mouth is all juicy

like his gums sprang a leak
or something.

It's meant to be juicy.
They dribble when they're hungry.

- Hank.
- (camera clicks)

So what do you think?

What would a girl
find more romantic...

tulips or roses?

- Well...
- Forget it. Susan will know.

- A messenger just dropped this off.
- Thank you.

- And line 2's for you.
- Thank you.

- What?
- What's more romantic...

tulips or roses?

Oh, that's so cute!

This is Abby.

- Hello, this is Brian.
- Yes?

We slept together.

Me and Hank.
Did you get the picture?

Yeah, yeah.
I'm looking at it right now.

- He spent the night.
- Oh, that's so great. How's it going?

Yeah, well, he snores,
which was a problem.

- But we solved it.
- How'd you do that?

Well, he slept on my face
and I couldn't hear him anymore.

(Abby laughs)

That's a good solution.
I'm glad he decided to keep you.

Yeah, so am I.
I just wanted to say thank you.

Oh, you're welcome.
It was my pleasure.

And I'd really like
to say it in person.

How about you meet us
for a drink?

Um...

Or a walk,
a walk along the canals.

Why would I meet a listener
I know nothing about

except he puts roller skates
on his dog?

Good question, good question.

Well... I didn't want
to say this upfront,

but I've got this really bad
case of mange.

And it's terribly itchy, you know.
I just can't stop licking it.

- Oh, hmm.
- So, I was wondering if you could

recommend an ointment
or at least have a look at it.

What the hell?

Okay, how about
the Washington entrance at 5:00?

- Great. Well, I'll see you there.
- Okay. Me, too.

Great. Okay. Bye.
No, wait, wait.

I forgot to ask you
what you look like.

Why do you need to know that?

Just so I can recognize you.

Oh. What do you think
I look like?

I don't know... if the voice
is anything to go by, you look great.

I'm 5'10", blonde, thin...

hard to miss.

Okay. I'll see you there.

Okay.

No, you won't.

(violin music playing)

(meows)

- (footsteps)
- Noelle: Can we just go?

(indistinct arguing)

Roy: Just go back inside
and change your dress, please.

Noelle: I look fine.
Your friends aren't gonna complain.

Roy: What are you doing?
You look fat.

Noelle: No, come on.
Don't be like that. Let's just go.

- Noelle, shut up and get back inside.
- What are you doing?

- Get back inside.
- Look, I've already

changed my dress three times,
and I just really...

No, I know,
but you look fat in that thing.

So go in and change the dress,
and do it now!

- Roy... ahh!
- Dumb bitch!

- Did you call me?
- What?

I'm sorry, I heard "dumb bitch."
I assumed you were speaking to me.

No, I'm talking to her.

You're kidding.
Your name is Dumb Bitch, too?

No wonder I've been
getting all your mail.

Do you think we could be related?

Because there are a lot of us
dumb bitches here in LA. Hi.

Hey, cat lady,
mind your own business.

Why don't you leave
before I use this bow on you

in a way you've only imagined?

Here. Imagine that.

You know what?

You're not just a dumb bitch,
you're an ugly dumb bitch.

Oh.

And you...

later.

Wow, that was...

I don't know what that was.

- You all right?
- Yeah.

(motorcycle departing)

God, I'm sorry about the violin thing.
I'll buy you another one.

- That was your boyfriend?
- I go out with him.

The thing is he's also my manager.

You pay him 10%
to treat you like that?

15.

Hey, he says that's normal.

I don't know.
He used to be sweet.

What are you supposed to do?

I mean, you gotta have
a boyfriend, don't ya?

Otherwise it's just you and a cat,

and the next thing you know,
40 candles on your birthday cake.

- What does that mean?
- Oh, no!

- No, I didn't mean you.
- Forget it.

This is absolutely
none of my business

and I will not
be interfering again.

Sorry.

I didn't mean you.

Man: Do you have
a computer yourself?

Woman: No. My husband does.
And he's on the thing all the time.

He doesn't even play
with the kids anymore.

Man: What does he do
with the computer?

- She's right over here. Okay?
- Okay. Uh-huh.

Hi.

Did you know violin bows
were like cars?

Meaning?

Well, they go from your basic
low-end bows...

something like a Geo or a Hyundai,
which I personally drive,

all the way
to your high-performance

Porsche-like bows,
which play like the devil.

I... I got you this...

well, it's like a Toyota,

which was all I could afford.

Aw, thank you.

Just give me some time
and I'll upgrade your bow.

Don't worry about it.
It wasn't your fault.

This is really nice.

- Wow.
- Yeah. You wanna sit down?

- Can I?
- Sure.

- Promise not to laugh?
- Sure.

I'm taking
broadcasting lessons myself.

That's great!

Newscasters... you know,
they're so dignified.

They always know everything.

Yeah, it's the news.
They get the information beforehand.

No kidding.
That's why it's so cool.

You find out before everyone.

- Usually, I'm the last to know.
- Oh.

Hey, how about you play hooky

and we go score ourselves
a cappuccino?

All right.
That sounds pretty good.

These are leaking on me, though.
I'm gonna get a vase.

- I'll be right back.
- Okay.

(barks)

Come here, come here.
Let's go.

(barks)

Testing.

Good evening, Riverside.
This is the news at 5:00.

(silent)

(door opens)

- Okay.
- (barks)

Hey!

I know that dog.

I don't think he likes me.
Can you get him away?

Abby:
Come here!

Hi, sweetie!

Why do I know you?
Why do I know your sweet face?

Oh, my God.
Oh, my...

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Um, um, um...
you have to help me.

There's a guy out there
and I was supposed

to have a date with him,
and this is his dog.

And I just want you to be me
when he comes in here, okay?

(silent)

(door buzzes)

Sorry.

He ran in and then
the door was locked and...

- Sorry.
- Brian, right?

- Yeah. Hi. Abby?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi. It's lovely to meet you.

You, too.
This is my friend, Madon...

- Donna.
- Hi.

Hello.

Hank.

You didn't show up yesterday.

No, I'm sorry.

We had this emergency thing,
didn't we, Donna?

- Yeah, cat emergency.
- Dog... it was a situation.

- Feline panleukopenia.
- It happens, but it's okay now.

- What?
- Nothing. Sorry.

It's just you sound
completely different on the air.

Oh! You should hear me
in the shower.

Microphones, darling...
they work wonders.

Yeah, I've heard that.

I just didn't want you to think
that I was some weirdo.

Oh, no.

And that's why
you didn't come yesterday.

It's just that what you said
to me on the radio

was so clever and perceptive.

And if you hadn't said
what you said,

then I wouldn't
have kept Hank here.

And...

I just wanted to say thank you.

- That's so great.
- Yeah, that's great.

Thanks. I've taught him a trick.
Do you want to see it?

Mmm.

Okay. Come on, Hank.
Up you come.

Yes! Good boy.

Give me a kiss.
Give me a kiss, come on.

Come on.

Yeah, I've gotta do something
about his breath.

Anyhow, I don't suppose
you want the drink now?

- Guess again.
- Great.

How about tonight?

There's a bar on the corner
of Main and Pier.

Meet me there 7:00?

Wild horses couldn't stop me.

See you there.

- Come on, Hank. Come on.
- (barks)

You like him and he likes you.

- Don't pretend you don't.
- I don't!

Did you hear what he said to you?
I wish a guy would say that to me.

- He did say it to you.
- No, he really said it to you.

And now you've gone
and confused everything

'cause you're a scaredy-cat.

I may be somewhat
trepidatious, yes.

I'm not some big, dumb dog

that goes bounding after
the first guy she sees.

- I'm not dumb.
- I didn't mean that.

- Besides, you're the dummy.
- I am?

Yeah. A nice guy like that
with that accent, arty,

and you won't even have
a drink with him?

He has a preconceived notion: You.

Then he sees me.
Over.

I love the way you look.
You've got a pretty face.

- Oh. No.
- You're a celebrity.

I don't expect you
to understand this.

You burp and guys think
it's adorable.

You puke and they line up
to hold your hair back.

I can tell you for a fact
that's not true.

- (bicycle bell ringing)
- Whoo hoo hoo!

(car horn honking,
tires screech)

Man:
Nice trick, moron.

- What?
- "What?" Oh, my God!

Really?
Three years, no sex?

One can survive, you know.
This is the electronic age.

Noelle: But even cats have
more sex than that, don't they?

Not mine.
Are you gonna eat that?

I don't eat.

You don't eat?
You ordered it.

I love to order,
I love menus,

but I gotta keep
the calories down.

- God, how can you live like that?
- I know.

- Do you believe you are what you eat?
- I guess.

See, that's what scares me.

I don't eat anything
so I can look good on the outside.

But on the inside there's nothing.

Oh, I see.

Whereas you, on the other hand...
you're very rich.

Thank you.

(buzzing)

- Do you hear a bzzing? Bzzz?
- Just a bee.

Is that a b-bee...
bee bee bee bee!

- Aah aah!
- I'll get it.

Aah!

Hey! Hey...

What are you...
You! Stop!

(stomping)

- (buzzing stops)
- It's dead.

No kidding.

- I killed it.
- You certainly did.

You're gonna be
all right now, so...

She's fine. We're fine.

Everybody's fine, right?
Great. Thank you.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

(mouths words)

What's wrong, Abby?

Nothing that a rooftop
and an AK-47 won't take care of.

- You okay?
- Mm-hmm.

Good, good. It'll be fun.

It'll be easy. No problem.

- Hey!
- Don't want to see him.

Come on.

- It'll be fine.
- It's not gonna be fine.

It'll be just fine.

(grunts)

What is this?
Is this cat hair?

I'm shedding.
I'm extremely nervous.

Okay, just head up.
Be proud.

- Feeling good.
- Yes, sir.

This makes all the difference.
Thank you.

(music playing over dialogue)

- Hello.
- Hi.

- Remember?
- Hi.

- Donna.
- Right.

- I'm gonna go and, um, freshen up.
- Okay.

Oh, and Donna's got
this loopy story to tell you.

Actually, it's funny.

Maybe you can help her
with the punch line?

Okay.

- I'll have a J&B and a Corona.
- Okay.

Can I have a J&B
and a Corona, please?

- Sure.
- Thanks.

Of course.
Of course I would do that.

So, what's the funny story?

Oh, I don't know if it's funny
so much as interesting.

Men and women
and how they interact.

We have societal pressures
and even the media feeds into it

and we have our own insecurities,

me especially.

You have a little fuzz.

- Got it, got it, got it.
- Thanks.

- So, you're wondering why I'm here.
- No. I mean, y... no, not at all.

I mean, I think I know
why you're here.

- You do?
- Mm. And it's fine.

That's great, 'cause I was...

I think it's really nice
that you've come along

to screen me for Abby.

Abby. Right.

There's a lot
of very odd people around,

particularly the types
who phone into radio shows

and then ask the presenters
out for a drink,

which is honestly... it's not
something I normally do, but...

- I really like this woman.
- You just met her.

I know, but you know
when you speak to someone,

and then you meet them?

And then there's really no choice.

Nothing you can do about it.
You just feel it.

So what do you do, Donna?
Do you work at the radio station?

- I make cheese.
- Cheese?

- Yeah.
- Really?

I've never met a cheesemaker before.
So, what sort?

Goat cheese.

Oh, that's the stuff
that smells of vomit.

- No, that's Parmesan.
- Yeah, of course.

Mine's more of a fromage, really.

And it comes from
the south of France, the Pyrenees,

where I have acquired
a number of goats

through a freakish inheritance.

Occasionally
I'll take trips out there

and sometimes
Abby accompanies me

to check on the general health
and well-being of my goats.

- Really?
- Yeah.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Everything out in the open?

Oh, you mean about?
Yeah, sure.

Totally understandable.

You see?

She thought you'd be
all bent out of shape about it.

Not at all.

I think friends should
look out for each other.

Although, flying across the Atlantic
to check up on her goats is...

You know, when you come with me
to check on the goats

for the goat cheese
that I make for a living.

Her cheese balls make
excellent Christmas gifts.

- Here we are.
- Great.

I don't know... I was mesmerized
by his eyebrows.

They say so much
about a person.

Did they say "goat cheese" on them?
Why didn't you just tell him?

I don't know!
I was staring at him.

He was so uninterested
in staring back at me.

I don't want that kind
of disappointment.

Disappointment doesn't kill.

Right. Rejection kills,
disappointment only maims.

Brian:
Okay, here we are.

Just go through.

- This is it. Château Brian.
- Abby: Nice.

Hi, baby!

Ooh. The dog really likes Donna.

I can't seem to get ahold of him.

He's just jealous.
Dogs, they can sense... you know.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Oh, are these yours?

Yeah. Don't look at those.
They just pay the rent.

There's not a lot of art
in a catalogue shoot

unless roller-skating dogs qualify.

Dada meets Fido.

That was funny.

- Roller-skatin' dogs.
- Hey!

- I'd like to see that.
- Hey, look at these.

- These are beautiful.
- Yeah, but they don't pay the rent.

Hmm.

Brian:
What do you think?

Ask Donna. She knows more
about this arty kind of stuff.

Abby:
Brian, this is a beautiful shot.

- This one? Really?
- Yeah.

Yeah. I love those textures
right there.

- Yeah? That's one of my favorites.
- (door opens)

Yo! Can we come in?

Of course you can.
Ed, this is Abby.

- Hi, Abby. How are you doing?
- Hi. Abby.

- And Donna.
- How are ya?

Yeah, all right, all right.

Oh, this is my niece, Emily.

- (clears throat)
- What?

- (whispers)
- Oh, yeah. You can ask her yourself.

- Is it okay?
- I forgot to ask.

Ha.

Hi. What is it, sweetie?

Aah! Oh.

- I'm sorry.
- No, it's fine.

When they heard that there was
gonna be a real vet in the house,

I just assumed
they could come over.

- That's a really beautiful tortoise.
- He's got pneumonia.

- Aw.
- Ed: Yeah, we took him to the vet

and he gave us this hypodermic
full of antibiotics.

We're supposed to give him
a shot underneath his arm,

but we can't seem to keep him
out of his shell.

So we were thinking
that you could help us out.

Sure, you can.
You can do that.

Of course.

Um, let me just go wash my hands.

Donna?

She is all that and a bag of chips.

- Who's the other one?
- She makes cheese.

- I hate needles. I hate turtles.
- Shh!

(sighs)
Why don't we just tell him now?

He was definitely into you when you
were talking about his photographs.

He's amiably tolerating my presence
till he can be alone with you.

Now, all you have to do
is grab the turtle's leg,

hold it steady,
and give the shot.

- How do I get ahold of his leg?
- Very simple.

You're gonna poke him
in the butt with your finger.

You want me to stick my finger
up a turtle's ass?

(squishing)

(grunting)

Hey, what's this?
Your palms, they're sweating.

- Malls make me nauseous.
- I did the turtle for you.

Yes, you did,
and you did a brilliant job.

You and I combined
make the perfect woman.

No, you and I combined
make the perfect political prisoner.

What we really do well
is act self-righteous and starve.

- Hello.
- Hi.

Okay.

We need the spring-bride blush

and the Absentia pore minimizer.

I'd actually like a pore maximizer
if you have one,

because sometimes you just wanna
put loose change somewhere, or keys.

There's this TV station in Riverside.

They're looking
for a weekend anchor.

They've asked me if I'd audition
for them next week.

That's so cool!
That's great.

Would you listen
to my audition piece?

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

79 people drowned
and another 200 were in...

Wait. Okay.
Just cool. Okay.

79 people drowned
and another 200 were injured

when a passenger ferry
caught fire last night

just off the coast of Scotland.

Stymied by a dense fog,
rescuer workers could only hear

the desperate screams
of the victims

as their four-mile journey
turned into a tragic and watery end.

That was good.
That was really good.

But you might wanna make
the carnage a little less upbeat.

Oh, I know.
I just get tense and I...

You're right, you're right.

No, it was great.
And you might wanna breathe more.

This is nice,
but it's a little bit smelly.

We also have this new face cream
which neutralizes the free radicals

- that attack the skin.
- Ooh.

Let me ask you...
what's your skin regime?

- My regime?
- Mm-hmm.

The regime from which
the radicals are trying to get free?

Are we selling face cream
or staging a coup?

Let me show you something.

Do you see how dry
and discolored you are?

Do you see
the irreversible sun damage?

You haven't been
taking care of your skin,

and it's only going to get worse.

(crying)
God, I can't believe it.

I can't believe
I let her do this to me.

I know exactly what she was doing.

Shit.
Do you have a tissue?

I think she might have
put one in the bag

with your gift-with-purchase.

Oh, God!

Men don't go around
buying all this expensive crap,

hoping women will want them,
you know.

If I was a guy, I think women would be
lining up to go out with me.

I'm smart,

I have a good sense of humor,
I make a great living.

I'd fuck ya.

Thank you, honey.
I know you would.

I'm just confused.

One minute she's one thing,

and the next minute
she's something else completely.

Yeah, but women
are like that, though.

No, but I mean there's something
off-balance about her.

On the radio
she's confident and articulate.

And then you get her in person,
and she's just...

I don't know... she's scatty.

- (British accent) Oh, she's scatty?
- Yeah.

Anybody that fine...
it doesn't make any difference.

- Yes, it does.
- I'm telling you, it doesn't.

You know what your problem is, right?

You're letting your brain
do too much of your thinking.

I've got something for you.

"Loser Guys and How to Spot Them."

No. "Low Self-Esteem:
Are You a Victim?"

- No.
- Wait. Question one:

"Do you feel you need to be punished
for how you look?"

I don't need to be punished.
I am punished.

That's why you can't tell Brian.
It's low self-esteem.

I don't even care about Brian.
That is history.

- I think it's more of a current affair.
- What does that mean?

Last night before we were leaving,
I told him to call me.

To call me?
You gave him my number?

- Your number.
- Why would you do that?

Why did you do that?
You like him. You like him.

- I have a boyfriend.
- Oh, right.

Who'd want Brian
when you could have Roy?

- Here you go.
- He likes you.

You know, the way you talk,
the things you say.

- You're the voice. I'm just the body.
- And what a body it is.

(laughs, snorts)

(ringing)

Hello?

Hello, this is Brian.
Could I speak to Abby, please?

(high-pitched)
This is she.

- What are you up to?
- Nothing. Just hanging.

Well, listen, I was thinking
maybe I could come round

and take you out for dinner.

How does that sound to you?

Oh, that's not possible.

Right.
Go for a walk?

Sorry. Can't do that, either.

Well, how about we just talk?

Talk. Okay.

Fine. Let's talk.

But could you talk to me
in that radio voice of yours?

Could you do that?

(normal voice)
Yeah.

- Yeah, that I can do.
- Great.

You know what kills me about him
is he just lays there

and lets me rub his stomach.

He's totally trusting,
knows I'm not gonna hurt him,

loves me unconditionally.

That kills me.
People are never that cool.

No, they hardly ever
let you pet their stomachs.

Mm-mm.

And I really like smelling
his cat breath when he yawns.

- You think that's weird?
- No, not at all.

(muffled)
I've done the very same thing...

probably... once.

Your voice is muffled.
What are you doing?

I just took my shirt off.

- Really?
- Really.

Is that portentous
or merely noteworthy?

It's rank, actually.

I went for a run earlier
and I have this remarkably manly,

animal-like, pungent stench.

Look, I know we're not
eating or walking,

but what would you say
to having a bath?

- I was shy, too.
- You're kidding.

You don't strike me as the shy type.

Brian: No, I was, really...
painfully and desperately shy.

And thinking about it, I suppose
that's why I ended up taking pictures,

as sort of a detachment thing,
you know what I mean?

Ah, yes.

- (barks)
- Oh, he knows you're talking to me.

He's probably jealous.

(laughing)
I doubt it.

Salt, pepper, granulated garlic,
mayonnaise, of course.

Of course.
Now for the important question:

Do you have a position on pickles?

It's more of a deeply held belief,
actually.

Oh, really?
A pickle conviction?

- Mm-hmm.
- Go ahead.

When it comes to tuna fish,
I am emphatically anti-pickle.

Hmm.

Do you know,
I knew I could trust you.

(violin continues)

"My mother leant herself
to the photograph.

Fearing that refusal
would turn to attitude,

she triumphed over this ordeal
of placing herself

in front of the lens
with discretion."

Now you.

So, you are?

Yes. Are you?

Yeah.

Say something.

I want to make love to you.

Sorry. Never on
the first phone call.

No, don't... don't do that.

If you do that,
we'll chicken out

and we won't do
what I think we're about to do.

Okay, just let me do one thing.

(muffled groaning)
Oh, God!

Okay, hi.

Hi.

Okay. So, where's your hand?

It's nowhere.

Where's yours?

Nowhere.

(Abby moans)

- (Brian moans)
- (grunts)

(sighs)

Wow.

Hello?

Abby?

(sighs)

Abby?

Abby? Hello?

Sorry. Sorry.
I dropped the phone.

I was afraid you'd met
somebody else.

God. Just give me a second
to collect myself.

Man.

I've never done that before.

Me, neither.

It's almost time for breakfast.

- Yeah.
- I wish you were here.

- I wish you were here, too.
- Okay.

- (phone clicks)
- Brian?

- Brian.
- (dial tone)

Brian!

(screams)
Brian, no!

♪ Pull over the car,
pull over the car ♪

♪ I think I see a five-fister ♪

♪ Pull over the car,
pull over the car ♪

♪ My dad wants to break up
with your sister ♪

♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna,
I don't wanna, I don't wanna ♪

♪ I don't wanna, I don't wanna,
I don't wanna, I don't wanna... ♪

Abby?

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah. ♪

- Abby.
- Over here.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Look, I brought some...
some breakfast.

- Can I come up?
- No.

Why not?

Because first, it will be awkward,
and then strange,

and then weird and then awful.

- What?
- Tonight has been so perfect.

Let's wait for another night
to screw it up.

Can I at least
see your face before I go?

No. I have
a pore-minimizing mask on.

Well, then, throw something to me.

Throw something you've
been wearing, and then I'll go.

Wow, it's a Ked.

- Woman: Will you shut up?
- What's your problem?

- It's 4:00 in the morning.
- You'd better go.

Okay.

Good night, sweet Abby.

Pleasant dreams.

79 people drowned
and another 200 were injured

when a passenger ferry
caught fire last night just off...

Roy: Sleeping here, Noelle.
Can't you see I'm sleeping?

Sorry, Roy. Sorry.

Just off the coast of Scotland.

Stymied by dense fog,

rescue workers could only hear
the desperate screams...

I said shut up, Noelle!

Jesus!

- Hi.
- Hi.

I had the most amazing conversation
with Brian last night.

We spoke for about seven hours.

- And I'm telling him today.
- Seven hours.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

What? Tell me.

It turns out Roy is a loser.

Tell me something I don't know.

(sniffling)

Oh, oh, I was kidding.
I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no.
Don't cry.

Oh.

It's okay.

You are no longer allowed
to read this destructive literature.

- (laughs)
- Don't read that.

Oh, no.
Please don't cry.

You're okay.

- How are you gonna tell him?
- God, I don't know.

I was thinking about it all last night.

I just wish there was a way
I could do it

without actually
having to doing it.

- Is your show on today?
- Yeah.

I'll go to his house
and I'll turn on the radio.

And?

Have you ever noticed
how Superman and Clark Kent

are never in the same room
at the same time?

Hi.

Can I come in?

Yeah, of course.
Come in.

- Oh!
- Sorry.

- So... you came over.
- Yep.

Last night was...

- Yeah, it was, I know.
- Wasn't it?

So...

Buttons?

- What?
- Sew buttons?

- I don't... What?
- It's nothing.

It's just something
my grandmother used to say.

- Really?
- Yeah.

So... buttons...

could I get you something to eat?

- Tuna sandwich or something?
- I don't eat tuna.

- Yes, you do. You ate it last night.
- I did? I did, I did.

In the car,
on the way over, I quit.

- Dolphins.
- Dolphins. Right.

Well, there's plenty of dolphin-friendly
food in the kitchen.

- Good.
- I'll be right back.

Okay. Can I turn
some music on?

- Uh-huh.
- Okay.

- Okay. Bye.
- Bye-bye.

(radio turns on, tuning stations)

Man over radio:
"Afternoon Becomes Eccentric."

KRWW... talk radio and more.

(mellow music playing)

What do you think of that?

What do I think?

Yes.

- It's nice.
- Mm.

- It's kind of dark.
- Yes. You know,

I was in a dark mood that day
when I took that.

If you'd let me, I'd really like
to take your picture.

Maybe tonight.

Maybe.

Or whenever.

This stuff's left over
from a shoot that I did.

I hope you like sweets,
'cause that's all there is.

Oh!

I don't eat that stuff.
I order it, but I can't eat it.

Of course you can.

You take it one bite at a time
and it all goes down.

- No.
- No, really.

- Mm.
- Is that nice?

Mm.

Mmm!

Mm.

(moaning)

This is so good.

More?

- Ready?
- Mm-hmm, mm.

- (moaning)
- ♪ I know the way these things begin ♪

♪ But I don't know ♪

♪ How I would live with myself ♪

♪ What I would give of myself ♪

♪ If you don't go... ♪

- No more?
- You see what you did?

♪ It won't do ♪

♪ To dream of caramel ♪

- ♪ To think of cinnamon... ♪
- (both laughing)

I've got something for you.
I forgot.

- It's a book.
- Yeah.

It's the letters Simone de Beauvoir
wrote to Sartre.

What? You haven't
got it already, have you?

No, I don't have it already.

It's just that...

no one's ever given me a book before
that didn't have pictures in it.

(snickers)

Well, I'm glad you like it.

I love it.

Wow, I mean... it's...

- A book.
- A book!

It's funny how self-conscious
we both are, considering...

What do you mean, self-conscious?

I mean,
you have to admit

you're not the same person you were
on the phone last night.

- That's true.
- Why?

Is it because we did?

It's because I'm stupid.

Well, me, too.

Completely feeble-minded.

All you have to do is get near me
and I turn into this gibbering idiot.

You're so clever and funny
and modest and sweet.

And you're so...

You're really so bea...

I mean, my God.

Look at you.

You're an angel.

♪ You do something to me ♪

♪ Somewhere deep inside... ♪

- I can't do this. I can't.
- Just try and see what happens.

Man over radio:
Next up is Dr. Abby Barnes

with "The Truth
About Cats and Dogs."

Oh, no. No.

- I don't know what I'm doing.
- It's okay.

You've got five...
you've got five minutes.

I can get you there in time.

- It's...
- I've got...

- I've gotta tell you something.
- What?

- I'm...
- What?

I'm... I'm late.

(tires screeching)

What am I doing?

What, you think we should stop
and call or something?

- No calls!
- Okay, okay.

- I've messed up really bad.
- Well, you're only two minutes late.

It can't be that bad.
Let's just see what they're doing.

No! Let me.

- Oh!
- Give me that.

- Shit.
- Oh. I'm sorry.

It's okay, it's okay.
I can get another one.

It's all right. Leave it.
I can get another one somewhere.

I think they still sell them in Bolivia.

God, you should clean this place up.

- (thumps)
- Oh.

(tires screeching)

Thanks for the ride.

Here's your button.

Abby over radio:
So she's been licking her belly.

Is she really sensitive in that area?

- Woman: No, not really.
- She's not sensitive in her belly.

Sorry.

Hey, on Tuesday's show
I wanna talk about potbellied pigs.

- Come, come, come.
- (door buzzes)

(silent)

(door buzzes)

Noelle:
That was scary.

We started with the show on tape.

It's okay.

Uh, Abby?
You're on in 60.

Is it okay if I hang around
and watch?

Women:
No!

- You need to concentrate.
- You need to concentrate.

- (thumps)
- You... you need to concentrate.

- I need to concentrate.
- Okay, I understand.

- I'll see you later, then.
- Bye.

So I guess you didn't tell him.

Take him.
I don't want to fight.

I refuse to degenerate
into some misogynistic cliché.

Having said that,
how could you do this to me?

I was gonna tell him.
I was all set to do it.

The show was starting
and I just couldn't.

- Why not?
- Well, he wouldn't listen.

- What was he doing?
- Nothing.

Then why didn't you let him find out
when the radio show started?

Maybe it was all the cake
he fed me.

What is that?
The Twinkie defense?

He gave us a book.

Which one?

Simon somebody's letters
to John Paul somebody.

Simone de Beauvoir's letters
to Jean-Paul Sartre?

- Exactly.
- Aw!

Don't you see?
He said I was smart.

Nobody's ever said that
to me before.

I just couldn't stand
to tell him it wasn't true.

Smart and beautiful, though, right?

Okay, I've got two ideas
how we can fix this.

We find out
how he really feels about us,

but in a roundabout kind of way.

So we go over to his house,

and I just sort of casually
ask him something like:

If you were stranded
on a desert island...

- Trite!
- Okay.

If you were stranded
in that bubble thing in Arizona...

- Biosphere?
...who would you take with you?

"Time" magazine's Woman of the Year
or "Playboy"'s Playmate of the Year?

I object to those categories
on both our behalves.

What's idea number two?

We go over there, get shit-faced
and see what happens.

Okay.

(dance music playing)

Hello. What...?

- Not so fast. Hello.
- Hi.

Thanks.

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ Don't cheat yourself ♪

♪ Happiness is round the corner ♪

♪ It will come to you ♪

♪ So have faith and feel true love ♪

♪ 'Cause there's heaven up above ♪

♪ When we think
we've reached the end ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps
on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ Don't cheat yourself ♪

♪ Happiness is round the corner ♪

♪ It will come to you ♪

♪ So have faith and feel true love ♪

♪ 'Cause there's heaven up above ♪

♪ When we think
we've reached the end ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ Round and round
and don't you stop ♪

♪ Pick it up where you left off ♪

♪ Like a wheel, the world,
it keeps on turning ♪

- ♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
- ♪ The world keeps spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

- ♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah ♪
- ♪ The world keeps on spinning ♪

♪ The world keeps on spinning, yeah. ♪

(R&B music playing)

♪ You know I wonder
where I'd be if not for you ♪

♪ I'd still be wandering
through this world without a clue ♪

♪ At night I'd wake up ♪

♪ And look across the bed ♪

♪ And you'd never dream
the crazy things ♪

♪ Runnin' through my head ♪

♪ I can't imagine ♪

♪ My journey through this world
without you ♪

♪ I'm lovin' everything about you ♪

♪ I search my heart and soul ♪

♪ How could there ever be
a greater love than ours? ♪

♪ I can't imagine... ♪

- That was really good.
- No, it wasn't.

Your eyes...

um, they're extraordinary.

Thank you.
Yours, too.

I'm just gonna have
something to drink.

- It's good.
- Okay.

What about me?
My turn?

Yes. Yeah, just... swap.

♪ I can't imagine ♪

♪ Sharin' my life with any other ♪

♪ Not makin' love with you ♪

♪ I can't imagine... ♪

I've forgotten the flash cord.

♪ How could there ever be
a greater love than ours? ♪

♪ Let me tempt you and deliver ♪

♪ Let me make you feel
the ocean roar... ♪

- Hey, do you want a drink?
- ♪ I'll make your blood ♪

♪ Run like a river ♪

♪ How could a man
feel better than this ♪

♪ Or ever love you more? ♪

Got a question.

If you were trapped in Biosphere 2
for three years,

who would you bring:

"Time" magazine's Woman of the Year
or "Playboy"'s Playmate of the Year?

What?

Just a second, okay?

Abby, where are you going?

I am hammered.
I gotta go home.

Oh, I'll go home with you.

No, you're having fun.
He really likes you.

What? What about you?

No, I don't even...

- You don't what?
- Is everything okay?

Yeah. I just remembered
I have to be somewhere.

- Secret rendezvous?
- You know it.

What about you?
Are you gonna stay?

Hi. My dog, Casey-Kay,
she's getting kinda old and slow

and just not what she used to be.

And I was wondering
if there was something...

Right, so you're telling me
she's no longer young and attractive,

so you're seeking my approval
to have her put to sleep?

Well, no. Actually, I was gonna
ask about vitamins or something...

You know who I think
should be put to sleep?

People like you
who only want cute dogs.

And I hope that aesthetically
unpleasant dog of yours

bites you in the ass
and moves on.

- Wait a minute. You got the wrong...
- Next caller.

(ringing)

(over machine) Hi, this is Abby.
Please don't hang up.

I hate hang-ups.
Leave it.

(beeps)

Noelle over phone: Good evening
and welcome to the 6:00 news.

Noelle Slusarsky
suffered a major setback

in her ongoing quest
to become an adult this week

when she tried to steal
her best friend's boyfriend.

Abby, please pick up
if you're there.

There's something I need to tell you,
but not on the machine, okay?

Okay, I'm going out
of town on a job.

I'll call.

(yelling in German)

Noelle over phone:
Hi. It's me, Noelle.

Please pick up the phone, Abby.

Abby?

(sighs)

Okay, so you're not
gonna pick up the phone.

This is what I had to tell you.

I didn't sleep with him.

We started wrestling around
and kissing,

but he kept calling your name.

"Abby, Abby, oh, Abby!"

And I could hear it in his voice.
He meant it.

So, I stopped.

I told him it was all
moving too fast for me.

And I haven't called him since.

Hi. Did you ever
look in the mirror so long

that your face doesn't
make sense anymore?

It just becomes all these shapes.

Just shapes.
Not good or bad.

Remember when he took
our pictures?

You looked really good.

Did I tell you that?

I'm reading two books at the moment,
if you can believe that...

the one that Brian got us
and a dictionary

so I can understand
the one that Brian got us.

I'm avoiding a guy
who calls me "Abby"

and I'm very frightened
that I screwed up a friendship

with the nicest woman
I've ever met.

When I come home,
I'm gonna fix things.

I'm gonna fix everything.

I'm sorry.
I just miss you.

- Hello? Hello?
- (dial tone)

And deep cleanser.

Abby: I really appreciate
you taking this back.

And I really appreciate
your attitude taking this back.

Donna.

Donna. Donna.

- Donna?
- Hi.

I was calling your name.

Oh, I must be in a daze.
I didn't hear you.

Department stores.

- I get that, too.
- Yeah.

- Sorry, you were buying something.
- No, I was returning something.

Oh. Well, I just bought
a present for Abby.

Look at this.

It's a photo album
and I had her initials embossed.

See? Abby Barnes.

- Oh, that's pretty.
- Do you think she'll like it?

- I do, yeah.
- Great. Are you finished?

- Mm-hmm.
- Right. Can I walk you out?

- Yeah.
- Thank you.

(seagulls screeching)

Did she tell you that she's not
talking to me for a week?

- Is that right?
- Yeah. It's driving me mad.

You see her all the time.

I don't suppose she's mentioned
anything about...

Mm-mm, she hasn't said
a word to me.

No, of course not.

I heard her on the air today.
She was brilliant.

- (laughs) Brilliant?
- Yes.

Oh, that's a bit much,
don't you think?

Are we getting jealous?

No, trust me,
that's not even possible.

You know, before I listened
to Abby on the radio,

I never really would have
given a cat the time of day.

I think I'm beginning
to understand them a bit more.

- Or maybe not.
- Whoops.

Well, you look like a cat-lover
from way back.

- Hi.
- I think she likes you, too.

- Do you know much about animals?
- A little bit.

Of course. You've got
all those goats, haven't you?

When you go to college,
do you have this thing in England

called the Freshman 10?

- No, we don't.
- Do they have that?

It's traditionally where most girls
who go off to college gain 10 pounds.

- Although, when I went, I gained 40.
- 40?

40 pounds, and I'm 5'1 ".

So four times the required amount?

So you can imagine how popular I was
with all the 18-year-old boys.

What has happened to me in the past
is that I meet a woman...

- Do you mind that I'm telling you this?
- No, sir.

I meet a woman I'm attracted to
and hopefully she's attracted to me.

And it's very exciting,

and then I get to know her,
and we have nothing in common.

Or the opposite happens.

There's lots in common,
fabulous woman,

but there's no excitement,
there's no sparks.

Okay, so say you meet
one of these no-sparks women

and you really take the time
to get to know her,

and then you become
intellectually stimulated by her.

You just really enjoy
her personality,

thereby igniting
all your lust and passion.

Have you ever thought about that?

Are you going to eat that?

- Are you cold?
- No, I'm fine.

You're shivering.
Here, wear my coat.

- So chivalrous.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Okay.

Seriously.
I'll just get the buttons.

- Sorry.
- It's fine.

Your hands are freezing.
Come here.

(blowing)

Put them in the pockets.

There's nothing disgusting
in there, is there?

- Who did that?
- (laughs)

Who put that piece of chocolate
in my pocket?

You're missing it.
Look.

- Brian: Are you warm enough?
- Getting there.

Do you always watch sunsets
with your eyes shut?

- Yeah, it's kind of a religious thing.
- Really?

No.

Do you know,
if you listen very carefully,

you can hear the moment
when the sun hits the hills?

Shh.

Not today, obviously.

- I'm having a...
- What?

- Nothing. I had a really nice time.
- Oh, me, too.

I gotta go.

Okay.

Okay. Thank you.

- Thanks for the walk.
- Thanks.

Bye.

- Donna?
- Yeah?

If you see Abby, tell her...

tell her I miss her face.

Yeah.

Abby? Hi.

I just need to talk to you.
10 minutes. 10 minutes.

So we can clear everything up.

5:00?

Your place.
Great, great, great.

All right. See ya. Bye.

Aah!

Jesus, you scared me.

I thought you'd be coming
from over there.

- Mm-mm, I was watching you.
- You weren't.

I was practicing looking relaxed.

- You looked relaxed.
- Did I? You look gorgeous.

- It's my job.
- Is it?

Speaking of work...

This was a little bit
too much for me.

- Was it?
- Mm.

I had to read each page,
like, three times.

I'm more of a mystery kind of girl,
or maybe a romance.

I bet you wouldn't have
guessed that about me.

No, but that's okay.

I mean, romance would be fine.

Did I ever tell you

I used to only date guys
who couldn't speak English?

I've missed you so much.

It took ages to find out
it wasn't working

'cause I couldn't understand
what they were saying.

- I speak English.
- And then I dated this guy, Roy.

- I hated everything he liked about me.
- You have the most beautiful mouth.

We have to stop.

Abby, I love you.

You love a girl I could never be.

- You don't love me.
- Yes, I do.

I don't understand what you're saying.
Just tell me what's going on.

- You need to know.
- Yes.

You do.
So make a list.

Make a list of everything
you love about me.

A list?

Oh, I gotta go.
I have an audition in 20 minutes.

- An audition?
- Yes, for the news.

I wanna read for the news.

- What about "Cats and Dogs"?
- The cats and dogs are covered.

So make a list.
Bring it.

5:00, my place.

(all reading)
79 people drowned

and another 200 were injured...

...their four-mile journey
came to a tragic and watery end.

79 people drowned
and another 200 were injured...

(blues music on radio)

(knocking at door)

- Brian: Abby?
- (knocking continues)

- Abby!
- Coming.

- (music blaring)
- Hang on, I can't hear you.

- It's me.
- (turns off radio)

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Hi.

- Donna. Where's Abby?
- She's not here.

No, what are you talking about?

I just heard her voice.
I know she's here.

Right. She's not here here.

She's in the bathroom
taking a bath.

But I will tell her
that you came by, okay?

I've got an appointment.

I don't know that that would be
a very good idea right now.

Uh, but I'll tell her
that you're here

and perhaps she will
come out... eventually.

It's Brian.
He wants to talk to you.

(high-pitched)
Tell him to come back in half an hour!

(normal voice)
I don't think he can be dissuaded.

(high-pitched)
Tell him if he doesn't come back

in half an hour,
I will call the whole thing off!

(normal voice)
You're the boss.

What did she say?
She was acting so strangely before.

- Is she all right?
- She's a little bit out of it.

- I think that she'll call you later.
- Okay.

Abby, it's me.

I wrote down the things
that you asked me to.

Listen, could you do me a favor?

She's worried
that I don't love her, so...

Sit down. You be Abby.

- I'm Abby.
- I've made this list.

It's a sort of lover's list.

Now, if I could just run it
by you once

to get a female opinion on it,

then we can make any adjustments
you think that it might need.

Sure.

One: I love the way you walk
into a room and it lights up.

Two: I love your eyes.

When they fix on mine,
they burn into me,

and I forget what it is
that I wanted to say.

Three: I love the way we think
of things at the same time.

Four: I love the way you make
a tuna fish sandwich an event.

Five: The way you talk to me
on the phone and...

- (crumples paper)
- Shit, this is ridiculous.

No, four and five aren't bad.

You know, maybe she's right.
Maybe I am rushing things.

No, I'm not.

Abby...

I love you,

because I can't stop thinking
about you for one second,

and because I stay at home
every afternoon

when I should be working,
just to hear you on the radio.

And because I want
to read you to sleep every night

and wake up to you
playing violin every morning.

And because you're so beautiful.

You forgot to say, "I love you
because you're so beautiful."

No, I didn't.

And yes, she is,
but that's not why I love her.

I love her for who she is.

And if she weren't,
it wouldn't matter.

Of course it matters.
It always matters.

- No, the truth is...
- The truth is Helen of Troy.

- What?
- Helen of Troy... men die for that shit.

The truth is you would not be
so enamored with Abby

if she looked like...
if she looked like...

What?
What are you talking about?

Look, you know how someone's
appearance can change

the longer you know them,

how a really attractive person,
if you don't like them,

can become
more and more ugly,

whereas someone you might
not even have noticed,

that you wouldn't look at
more than once,

if you love them,

can become the most beautiful thing
you've ever seen?

All you want to do is be near them.

I love Abby.

It doesn't matter
what she looks like.

(sniffling)

What's the matter?

I'm happy that you said that.

Well, I'm glad you like it,

'cause she hasn't said a word.

(thuds)

It was you on the phone that night.

Yep.

That's your window...

your violin.

Yeah.

And that's your cat.

(clears throat)

Hi.

Is this a joke?

Abby:
It was a mistake.

- Who are you?
- That's Noelle.

- Noelle?
- Slusarsky.

- Who's Donna?
- There is no Donna.

What is this?

Is this some kind of weird game
you two play for kicks?

You pick up a guy together and see
how much you can screw him up?

- No, it was just a mistake.
- A practical joke.

- A joke?
- No, no, no, not a joke.

- Not a joke funny ha-ha.
- Funny strange, if anything.

No, I get it.
You're a comedy duo.

Actually, we never met until just...

You're dumb and beautiful,
and you're smart and...

I have to go.

Brian!

Abby:
He doesn't wanna see me.

He doesn't wanna see you.

Why did you send him
back to me

when you could have had him
for yourself?

I know you wanted him.

Because I wanted my friend back.

Besides, he's got
this small personal habit

that just drives me crazy.

What's that?

He loves you.

- Well, how'd your audition go?
- It didn't.

Didn't make the cut.

Still not dignified enough
for the news.

Well...

they're looking
for someone at the station.

It's not the news,
but I think it's interesting.

- Are you serious?
- They're expecting your phone call.

- Thank you.
- You should give it a shot.

You should give it
one more shot, Abby.

Just go and talk to him,

you dumb bitch.

- I'm a dumb bitch?
- That's right.

Well, you're a dumb bitch,
too, you know.

Yeah, I know.
We're related.

- (barks)
- Hi, sweetie.

I'm glad you're here.

Hi.

- I came to return your jacket.
- Thank you.

You can just leave it
on the stool there.

I'm really sorry that I lied to you.

It's just the situation
got completely out of control.

It's mentally exhausting,

feeling really bad about something
you can't do anything about.

Right.
That explains everything.

- No, Brian...
- What? What do you want?

I want you to look at me.

I'm looking at you.

You know the conversations
that we've had

and the violin
and the radio show

and that incredible night
on the phone?

That really meant something to me.
It was really important to me.

But all of that stuff doesn't come
in a perfect package.

It comes in this one.

Why didn't you say that
in the first place?

I didn't feel confident
that you'd give me a chance.

Now we'll never know, will we?

- Okay.
- Okay.

I'm at the mechanic's
and I'm getting my tune-up,

and I look up on the wall

and there she is
looking back at me.

But you know what tipped it off

was when she was dealing
with that turtle and she was like...

That ain't professional.

You're right.

But then, we didn't have much
to compare it to.

Yeah, you're right, you're right.
But you know what?

It's not your fault, brother.
I mean, who knew?

Woman over phone:
My German shepherd

is driving me insane.

I left him home alone for one afternoon
and you know what he did?

- He peed on your bed.
- No, in my bed. He peed in my bed.

He took his teeth,
pulled back the sheets first.

That's very considerate of him,
but are you sure that's all he did?

Have you checked
inside your favorite shoes yet?

No. Hold on.

I'll go look over there right now.

(door opens)

- Woman: Oh, my God!
- (Abby laughing)

- Pinky, you're a bad, bad, bad dog!
- Listen... ok... okay, listen.

Don't worry about it.
I wanna explain something.

Dogs don't like to be left alone.

It's not like when you leave,
he goes "Great.

Time to finish writing my novel."

No. When their humans leave,
dogs get depressed and they show it.

- Yeah, in your shoes.
- Mm-hmm.

Listen, people are very good
about hiding their misery.

But your dog tearing up
your apartment...

he was trying
to tell you something.

What?

- I wanna be with you.
- You do?

- With me?
- (barking)

No, I don't wanna be with you.

Woman: What am I supposed
to do about this dog?

Am I just supposed
to put on my poo shoes

- and go out shopping?
- I have absolutely no idea.

Pinky, Pinky, you sit there
and listen to the doctor!

I have absolutely
no idea what to do.

- Wrap it up!
- Oh, wrap it up!

We're gonna wrap it up
and I will talk to everyone tomorrow.

Woman:
I've been waiting 45 minutes!

- Hi. Hi. Do you think he's here?
- I didn't see him.

He could be here, right?

- (growls softly)
- (gasps)

Okay.

- (Abby yelling)
- (Hank barking)

Stop. Please, please, please.

Oh, my God!

Whoa! Oh!

Whoa. Okay, okay.

(whistles)

Whoa!

Oh!

- It's cool, it's cool.
- Sorry. Sorry.

Okay?

- Can I take these off now?
- Yeah, of course.

Over here. I'll help you.

Thanks.

- I'm fine. Thank you.
- Right.

Ahhh!

Now, should I get down
on all fours

and then gently apply pressure
to the tips of your ears?

- I won't bite you.
- No.

So, is this humiliation on skates

staged for your amusement,
or am I missing...?

No, no, of course not.

I just wanted to get you
out here in private

to discuss a few things.

The humiliation was just a bonus.

What are we discussing?

Well, there's the issue of Hank,

who's in a terrible state
without you.

Weren't you, Hank?
Hank.

Come on, boy.
Come on.

- Terrible state.
- (groans)

- Abby: Oh! Oh.
- (barks)

No, this is beneath you.
Never stoop.

Brian:
No, really, he couldn't sleep.

And he kept me up all night,

wanting to talk about
why it took us so...

why it took me so long

to understand
what was really going on.

And then we wrote some
extraordinarily bad poetry together.

No, no, mine wasn't that bad.
Hank's was... pathetic.

And then we fought over
which one of us

got to carry your shoe around
in his mouth.

And...

Abby...

I only ever loved one woman,

and I don't want to lose her twice.

I gotta tell you something.

What?

That night on the phone?

Yeah?

I'm pregnant.

Darling...

Brian:
Are you sure it was me?

Abby: Actually, I don't know.
I made a lot of calls that night.

- (funk rock playing)
- (woman vocalizing)

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪

♪ For once I have something ♪

♪ I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ For once I can say this is mine,
you can't take it ♪

♪ As long as I know I got love,
I can make it ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Someone who needs me ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I won't let sorrow hurt me ♪

♪ Not like it's hurt me before ♪

♪ For once I have something ♪

♪ I know won't desert me ♪

♪ I'm not alone anymore ♪

♪ For once I can say this is mine,
you can't take it ♪

♪ As long as I know I got love,
I can make it ♪

♪ For once in my life ♪

♪ I have someone who needs me ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Someone needs me ♪

♪ Someone needs me. ♪

(rock music playing)

♪ She sat at the dressing-room table ♪

♪ He flicked through
the channels on cable ♪

♪ While talking of love
in low whispers ♪

♪ Voices humming
like dusty transistors ♪

♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ In concentrated tones,
they talked about love ♪

- ♪ Deep down in the bones ♪
- ♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ How it's built on pride,
they talked about love ♪

- ♪ A roller-coaster ride ♪
- ♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ This road is a lifetime long ♪

♪ Complete engagement ♪

♪ Unlimited passion ♪

♪ Searching with peace in my soul ♪

♪ She sat with her glass overflowing ♪

♪ He knew that his chances
were glowing ♪

♪ Together they danced
in the driveway ♪

♪ Lovers singing
"I did it my way" ♪

♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ In concentrated tones,
they talked about love ♪

- ♪ Deep down in the bones ♪
- ♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ How it's built on pride,
they talked about love ♪

- ♪ A roller-coaster ride ♪
- ♪ Talked about love ♪

♪ This road is a lifetime long ♪

♪ Oh, oh ♪

♪ Complete engagement ♪

♪ Unlimited passion ♪

♪ Searching with peace in my soul ♪

♪ Built without boundaries ♪

♪ Loving every single breath ♪

♪ Ready to relinquish control. ♪