Original subtitles

[cheery music]

- * OOH, CHRISTMASTIME

* THIS YEAR AT CHRISTMASTIME

*

* I DON'T WANT TO GO, GO, GO UNDER THE MISTLETOE *

* UNLESS YOU'RE HERE WITH ME

* DON'T WANT TO HEAR-- [feedback blares]

- ATTENTION, INMATES AND STAFF,

DUE TO FUMIGATION IN CELL BLOCK C,

TONIGHT'S DINNER IS DELAYED UNTIL 1800 HOURS.

- * CHRISTMAS CHEER WON'T CHEER ME UP *

* IF YOU'RE NOT HERE TO FILL MY CUP *

* YOU'RE NOT NEARLY NEAR ENOUGH *

* SO YOU HAD BETTER HURRY UP

- I ALWAYS GET DEPRESSED AROUND THE HOLIDAYS.

WHY IS THAT?

- AH, A LOT OF PEOPLE GET THAT WAY, PAUL,

BUT THIS YEAR I BET IT'S ON ACCOUNT

YOU'RE IN FEDERAL PRISON.

HOW'D YOU FEEL IN AUGUST?

- TERRIBLE. - YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

BET 20. - FOLD.

LOOK AT THAT.

I CAN HACK INTO THE PENTAGON,

BUT I CAN'T BEAT A BUNCH OF HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS.

- OH, YOU FELLAS ARE JUST UNDERESTIMATING

HOW MUCH FUN IT IS IN HERE.

- OH, ANY CHANCE YOU'RE MAYBE A LITTLE BIASED IN THAT RESPECT,

WARDEN?

- UM...

NO. NOT REALLY.

ALL RIGHT,

SEE YOUR 20.

RAISE YOU... 25.

- CALL.

- THREE LADIES.

- OOH.

- [sighs]

JUST AIN'T MY DAY.

- [laughs]

LOOKS LIKE YOU BEAT US AGAIN, WARDEN.

CONGRATULATIONS.

- EH, YOU TAUGHT ME WELL, NICK.

I'M SURE GONNA MISS YOU.

- WELL...

THAT ALL DEPENDS ON THE PAROLE BOARD.

- RELAX, WILL YA?

I WROTE THEM A LETTER.

- "IN SHORT, NICHOLAS DEMARCO IS THE MOST EXEMPLARY INMATE

"IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO KNOW IN ALL MY YEARS

"IN THE DEPARTMENT OF CORRECTIONS.

"I'VE EVEN NAMED HIM IN MY WILL.

"I'M NOT KIDDING.

"I THEREFORE FULLY AND WITHOUT HESITATION

"RECOMMEND HIM FOR EARLY PAROLE.

"YOURS CONFIDENTLY, JEFFREY P. MITCHELL,

WARDEN, DANFIELD CORRECTIONAL INSTITUTION."

- GOTTA LOVE THAT GUY.

- NOT PARTICULARLY BELIEVABLE.

MR. DEMARCO,

IS IT SO UNREASONABLE TO ASK WHETHER A CON MAN,

LIKE YOURSELF,

A MAN WHO WORKED AS A FULL PROFESSOR AT YALE FOR TWO YEARS,

DESPITE NEVER HAVING COMPLETED THE 11TH GRADE...

- YOU WERE EVEN ON THE TENURE TRACK, FOR GOODNESS SAKE.

- MIGHT NOT ALSO HAVE FOOLED A WARDEN

AT ONE OF OUR MINIMUM SECURITY FACILITIES?

- LOOK, I DON'T BLAME YOU FOR BEING SKEPTICAL,

MA'AM.

YES, I WAS IN THE HISTORY DEPARTMENT AT YALE

FOR TWO YEARS, BUT REST ASSURED,

THAT KIND OF ACTIVITY'S IN MY OWN PAST NOW--

AS MUCH A PART OF HISTORY AS THE CIVIL WAR

OR THE MAGNA CARTA

OR THE LIFE OF A CERTAIN CARPENTER FROM GALILEE

WHOSE BIRTH MANY OF US WILL SOON BE CELEBRATING,

BUT WHATEVER THIS BOARD DECIDES,

LET ME JUST SAY,

MERRY CHRISTMAS

AND UH...

GOD BLESS US.

EVERYONE.

- YEP.

- [sighs]

- HEY-HO.

YEAH, I'M SORRY TO SEE YOU LEAVING US, NICK.

- AH, SPOKEN LIKE A TRUE REFORMER.

- AH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

YOU'RE THE BEST COACH I EVER HAD.

YOU KNOW, WHETHER IT WAS GIN RUMMY,

CRAPS, TEXAS HOLD'EM,

MY GAME ROSE TO ANOTHER LEVEL.

- HAPPY TO BE OF SERVICE, WARDEN.

- I OWE YOU ONE, NICK.

I HOPE OUR PATHS CROSS AGAIN ONE DAY.

- HEY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT PROFESSIONALLY, HUH?

- AS LONG AS IT'S NOT PROFESSIONAL, THAT'S RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT. - AH.

- HEY.

- HEY, SIS. MERRY CHRISTMAS.

- JUST GET IN THE CAR.

- [sighing]

[classical music plays softly]

STILL DIG THE BACH, I SEE.

- IT'S MOZART, GENIUS. - I KNOW.

PINATA FOR BANJO IN LEE MAJORS, RIGHT?

[laughs]

SORRY.

THANKS FOR DOING THIS, RO.

- YEAH, WELL, THANK MOM, NOT ME.

SHE'S THE ONLY REASON I'M HERE.

- WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

- WELL, UM...

IT WAS RIGHT NEAR THE END,

AND MOM PULLED ME DOWN BY HER LIPS

AND WHISPERED IN MY EAR, "HELP NICK."

AND I WAS LIKE, "PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME."

AND SHE WAS LIKE, "I'M DYING."

AND I WAS LIKE, "REGARDLESS."

LONG STORY SHORT, SHE MADE ME PROMISE TO HELP YOU

FOR ONE MONTH OR UNTIL YOU SCREW UP AGAIN.

WHICHEVER COMES FIRST.

SMART MONEY'S ON "B," BY THE WAY.

- YOU AND MOM ARGUED ABOUT ME ON HER DEATHBED?

- FOR 25 MINUTES.

TOUGH OLD BIRD.

- [sighs] - HEY!

- AH. - DON'T TOUCH MY MUSIC.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[soothing music continues]

[plays intro to Do You Hear What I Hear?]

*

- MR. MILLER, I CAN CERTAINLY DO AN RGB CONVERSION

ON YOUR WEBSITE...

[mouths words]

BUT THE COLORS MAY NOT APPEAR CORRECT AT FIRST.

[Do You Hear What I Hear? resumes]

BECAUSE MATCHING COLORS TAKES A LITTLE BIT OF TIME, SIR.

YES, THAT GOES FOR ALL DESIGNERS.

YES, EVEN THE MEN.

CAN YOU HOLD, PLEASE?

[quietly] DEAR GOD!

[exhales]

SORRY. SALES CALL.

HOW ABOUT I EMAIL YOU SOME SAMPLES IN A COUPLE DAYS?

HOW'S THURSDAY MORNING? GREAT.

THANKS. GOOD-BYE.

[groans]

[Do You Hear What I Hear? playing softly]

*

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

[scoffs]

*

- HELLO.

- OH. [nervous laughter]

- HEY. - TAKING A LITTLE BREAK, ARE WE?

- HEY, MRS. GUTHRIE,

IT'S OUR LUNCH HOUR.

OH, WOW. IT'S 3:30, GUYS.

THAT'S QUITE A LONG LUNCH HOUR.

- HERE'S WHAT'S GOING ON, MRS. G.

ME AND THE BOYS, WE'RE SAFETY-CONSCIOUS.

YOU KNOW?

YOU START GOING TOO FAST, THAT'S WHEN ACCIDENTS HAPPEN.

I'M SURE YOU'VE HEARD THE OLD SAYING,

"MEASURE 30 TIMES AND CUT ONCE."

- ACTUALLY, THE WAY I HEARD IT WAS

"MEASURE TWICE, CUT ONCE."

- TWICE?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT DAREDEVIL YOU'VE BEEN TALKING TO.

HE'S GONNA GET SOMEBODY KILLED.

- I KNOW. RIGHT?

ASK US TO PLAY RUSSIAN ROULETTE, WHY DON'T YOU?

- FINE. WHATEVER.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE OLD SAYING IS.

I HIRED YOU TO COMPLETE A TWO-WEEK JOB

OVER FOUR WEEKS AGO,

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN HALFWAY FINISHED YET.

- WE'RE CERTAINLY TRYING OUR BEST, MA'AM.

- WELL, YOUR BEST IS TRYING MY PATIENCE, MR. HEDDISON.

NOW, IF YOU CAN'T START--

EXCUSE ME.

START HAMMERING OR MEASURING

OR DOING SOMETHING.

OKAY?

SWEETHEART?

PAGEANT'S IN A FEW DAYS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO PRACTICE SO YOU CAN BE READY?

- I DON'T CARE ABOUT A STUPID PAGEANT.

- WELL, YOU MIGHT WHEN YOU'RE UP ON STAGE

AND YOU DON'T KNOW THE CHORDS.

- IS DAD GONNA BE THERE?

- I DON'T KNOW. WE'LL SEE.

- HE'S NEVER COMING HOME, IS HE?

- BILLY, WE DISCUSSED THIS--

- IS HE?

- I DON'T THINK SO.

- [moans]

- THE COATRACK IS OVER THERE.

- [sighs]

ONE BEDROOM, HUH?

WHERE ARE YOU GONNA SLEEP? - HA.

STILL THINK YOU'RE FUNNY, HUH, NICK?

- NOT REALLY,

BUT WHAT'S MY VOICE AGAINST THE MAJORITY?

OKAY. OKAY. FAIR ENOUGH.

I'LL BE ON THE COUCH.

AND SOME OTHER GUY CAN MAKE HISTORY

BY BEING THE FIRST MAN EVER

TO SET FOOT IN ROSE DEMARCO'S BEDROOM.

- OH.

ARE YOU SAYING I HAVE NO LOVE LIFE?

- NO, I'M SAYING YOUR ONLINE PROFILE SHOULD READ:

MID-30s, CUTE, INTELLIGENT, IMPOSSIBLE.

- WRONG, NICK.

IF I WAS INTELLIGENT, I'D BE BOOTING YOU

TO THE STREET RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, I MAY YET.

YOU HURT A LOT OF PEOPLE, NICK.

- WHO?

WHO DID I HURT, RO?

- HOW ABOUT ANYONE YOU EVER LIED TO?

HOW ABOUT ANYONE YOU EVER CHEATED?

HOW ABOUT ANYONE WHO GOT THEIR HEART BROKEN

AND THEIR DREAMS CRUSHED WHEN THEY FOUND OUT

YOU WERE NOTHING MORE THAN A CON MAN?

WHY AM I SURPRISED?

YOUR FIRST WORDS AFTER "MAMA" AND "DADA"

WERE "WHAT'S IN IT FOR NICK?"

- THAT'S HARSH, RO. - OH, YEAH?

WELL, STOP ME WHEN I MAKE A MISTAKE.

ONE MORE THING, YOUR PAROLE COMES WITH CERTAIN CONDITIONS.

ONE OF THEM IS FINDING A JOB.

- AND I'M GONNA JUMP ON THAT FIRST THING TOMORROW AFTERNOON.

PINKIE-SWEAR.

- ACTUALLY, I MAY HAVE A LINE ON SOMETHING FOR YOU.

- GREAT. GREAT.

THIS IS WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR:

EXECUTIVE LEVEL, LOW SIX FIGURES,

FULL BENNIES, STOCK OPTIONS, NATURALLY.

HO, HO, HO!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HOW ARE YOU GUYS DOING, LITTLE FELLAS?

- GOOD. - YEAH?

- ALL RIGHT.

AND WHAT CAN SANTA BRING YOU FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?

- A BUMBLEBEE PILLOW SET.

- A CAPTAIN AMERICA SHIELD.

- A NEW BIKE.

- THE MILLENNIUM FALCON.

- WORLD PEACE.

- WORLD PEACE? GOOD FOR YOU.

- AND...

ONE BIG HUGS ELMO, ONE FLUTTERBYE FAIRY,

ONE NERF REBELLE HEARTBREAKER BOW BLASTER...

- A NO-FOAM CAPPUCCINO AND A HAZELNUT LATTE.

THAT'LL BE $7.55, PLEASE.

- THANKS.

SO MY LAWYER'S RECOMMENDING

WE PUT THE HOUSE UP FOR SALE IN FEBRUARY.

- YOU SPOKE TO A LAWYER? - YEAH, THIS MORNING.

HE SAID I SHOULDN'T WAIT TOO LONG TO FILE THE DIVORCE PAPERS.

- SO IT'S REALLY OVER?

- JOHN HAD A CHOICE: ME OR WHISKEY.

HE ANSWERED LOUD AND CLEAR. - I'M SO SORRY.

- JUST ONE PLAY DOC MCSTUFFINS,

ONE RAGGEDY ANNE, ANDY STATION WAGON,

ONE MAGIC GLITTER GLOW WATCH...

- OH, HE DOESN'T LOOK SO HAPPY.

- ONE CHELSEA DOLL COTTAGE, ONE EASY-BAKE OVEN,

AND ONE 48-KARAT D FLAWLESS OVAL SHAPED DIAMOND BRACELET,

AND THAT'S WHAT I WANT.

- WELL, BOY-- [chuckles]

SO DOES SANTA.

YEAH, 250 ON LULLABY LIGHTNING IN THE SIXTH.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN "PLACE THE BET MYSELF?"

HARRY, I DON'T GET OFF WORK UNTIL 5:00.

WHAT IF I DON'T MAKE IT DOWN THERE IN TIME?

[scoffs] COME ON!

WHEN HAVE I EVER STIFFED YOU BEFORE?

YEAH, BUT BESIDES THAT.

BESIDES THAT.

HARRY. HARRY!

[groans] OH, GOD.

[muttering]

WHERE'S MY HAT? WHERE'S MY HAT?

- I WILL SEE YOU TOMORROW.

OKAY, BYE.

- HEY, PAL. AH.

WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING FOR?

- A NERF GUN.

AND DON'T FORGET THE BATTERIES.

- I'LL TRY TO REMEMBER.

- LAST YEAR YOU FORGOT THE BATTERIES.

- OKAY, OKAY.

[sighs]

HEY, AND WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

- BILLY. - BILLY.

YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY, BILLY?

AND WHAT DO YOU WANT FOR CHRISTMAS THIS YEAR?

- I WANT YOU TO BRING MY MOMMY AND DADDY BACK TOGETHER.

[bells tolling]

- OH, YOU GOT IT.

- [gasps] YOU CAN REALLY DO THAT?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- REALLY?

REALLY?

- DONE AND DONE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OH! OKAY.

I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HUG IT OUT.

ALL RIGHT.

- WELL, SOMEBODY LOOKS HAPPY.

WHAT'D SANTA PROMISE YOU? LOTS OF GOOD STUFF?

- HEY, HEY!

SORRY, KIDS,

SANTA'S GOT TO GO FEED HIS REINDEER,

SO I'LL BE BACK IN FIVE.

KNOCK 'EM DEAD, AMESH.

[grunts] BOO-YA.

HEY, SIS, YOU MIND DROPPING ME OFF AT THE RACETRACK?

- ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

- OH, I'M NOT GONNA BET VERY MUCH.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT IT IS

YOU PROMISED THAT LITTLE BOY BACK THERE?

- WHAT LITTLE BOY?

- UH, THE LITTLE BOY WITH THE BLONDE CURLY HAIR

AND THE RED SHIRT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY INKLING

OF WHAT IT IS YOU JUST PROMISED HIM?

- XBOX?

- I HEARD YOU PROMISE YOU'D GET HIS PARENTS BACK TOGETHER

BY CHRISTMAS.

- PRETTY SURE IT WAS XBOX.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT'S GONNA BE WAITING FOR HIM

UNDER THE TREE ON CHRISTMAS MORNING?

IF YOU SAY "XBOX" AGAIN, SO HELP ME, NICK,

I WILL PUNCH YOU.

I WILL PUNCH YOU.

MISERY, TEARS, AND HEARTBREAK, NICK.

THAT'S WHAT'S GONNA BE WAITING FOR THAT LITTLE BOY

ON CHRISTMAS MORNING

BECAUSE OF YOU.

- LOOK, IT WAS ALMOST 5:00.

- I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

- HEY, WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME, RO?

AN APOLOGY?

OKAY, I'M SORRY.

I SHOULDN'T HAVE MADE THAT PROMISE TO THE KID.

I'M SORRY.

- THOSE ARE JUST WORDS, NICK.

THAT'S JUST...HOT AIR.

- OH, RO, COME ON. - NO, YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYBODY BUT YOURSELF.

YOU NEVER HAVE.

AND YOU'RE NEVER GONNA CHANGE.

I TRIED, MOM.

GOOD-BYE, NICK.

- WAIT, RO, HEY, HOLD ON.

ALL RIGHT. RO.

[engine turns over]

HEY.

HEY! HEY. HEY, RO, WAIT A MINUTE!

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU'RE MY RIDE HOME, RO. WAIT!

WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT!

- NOTE TO SELF:

EXPLORE PUTTING CONVERSION EXITS ON THE HOME PAGE

TO IMPROVE NAVIGATION.

BILLY, DINNER!

- WHAT ARE WE HAVING? - POT ROAST.

I KNOW IT'S NOT YOUR FAVORITE--

- I LOVE POT ROAST!

- WELL, THAT'S A SWITCH.

GO WASH YOUR HANDS.

- RIGHT AWAY!

- WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY REAL SON?

- [sighs]

[sighs]

[thunder rumbling]

[doorbell rings]

- [sighs] - HEY, CAROL.

YOU LOOK GREAT.

- YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO CALL.

- I FORGOT.

IS BILLY HERE? - HE'S SLEEPING.

YOU NEED TO LEAVE, JOHN.

- I BROUGHT YOU GUYS A TREE.

- WE HAVE A TREE,

AND I SEE YOU'RE LIT LIKE ONE.

- OKAY, I'M NOT GONNA LIE,

I MAY HAVE HAD A NIP OR TWO AT THE BAR,

BUT I DIDN'T DRIVE.

SAL TOOK ME HERE.

- THEN SAL CAN DRIVE YOU HOME.

- I AM HOME, CAROL.

OKAY, THIS IS MY HOME.

N-NOT SOME HOTEL.

THIS IS MY HOME.

- NOT ANYMORE.

- HOME IS THE SPOT WHERE THEY GOTTA TAKE YA IN, CAROL.

ROBERT FROST WROTE THAT. - RIGHT.

I GUESS YOU FORGOT THE ONE ABOUT PROMISES TO KEEP.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO READ THAT ONE AGAIN, JOHN.

GOOD-BYE.

[door shuts]

- [sighs]

[thunder rumbling]

[rain falling]

[panting]

- HEY, CAN YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

WHICH ONE OF THESE ANGELS DO YOU LIKE BETTER?

THAT ONE KIND OF LOOKS LIKE KENNY ROGERS, DON'T YOU THINK?

YOU KNOW, THE GAMBLER? [chuckles]

ONLY THING HE'S GAMBLED ON IS...

[mimics bassy voice] PLASTIC SURGERY.

AND THIS ONE-- IF YOU LOOK CLOSELY,

LOOKS LIKE MERYL STREEP.

NOW, MY SOPHIE'S CHOICE IS WHICH ONE TO USE FOR THE TREE.

GOT A PREFERENCE?

- NO.

- A MAN OF FEW WORDS, LIKE A GUNFIGHTER.

I LIKE THAT.

MAYBE THERE'S ROOM FOR BOTH.

- ARE YOU A, UH--

YOU KNOW, A PRIEST?

- [Irish accent] AYE, MY BOY!

FATHER O'FLANNIGAN.

- YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT? - [laughs]

YES, I'M JOKING.

I'M THE PASTOR.

PASTOR RUTH.

PASTOR RUTH.

PASS THE MARMALADE. I'M FAMISHED.

OH, COME ON! [chuckles]

THIS IS SOME OF MY BEST MATERIAL.

- OH. SORRY, I--

JUST NOT IN THE MOOD TO LAUGH RIGHT NOW.

- ROUGH NIGHT?

- [chuckles] YOU COULD SAY THAT.

- WELL, LUCKY FOR YOU,

I SPECIALIZE IN ROUGH NIGHTS.

IT'S PART OF MY JOB DESCRIPTION.

COME ON. LET'S SIT.

YOU PROMISED THE LITTLE BOY

THAT YOU WOULD GET HIS PARENTS BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS?

- IT WAS ALMOST POST TIME.

- [sighs]

YOU GOTTA STOP SAYING THAT.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

- TELL ME SOMETHING, NICK.

WHY'D YOU WALK IN HERE TONIGHT?

- IT WAS RAINING.

- THE RAIN STOPPED TEN MINUTES AGO,

AND YOU HAVEN'T MOVED.

YOU'RE STILL HERE.

THE GUILT IS EATING YOU UP, RIGHT?

LIKE THE CREATURE IN THE FIRST ALIEN.

REMEMBER THE FIRST ALIEN?

THE CREATURE BURST OUT OF THAT MAN'S BELLY

AND SHOT ACROSS THE ROOM.

THAT'S YOUR GUILT.

IT'S EATING YOU UP.

- THE ALIEN? - ABSOLUTELY.

AND YOUR JOB IS TO LURE IT INTO THE AIR LOCK

AND SEND IT TO OUTER SPACE LIKE SIGOURNEY WEAVER.

IT'S JUST YOU AND THE ALIEN.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KILL IT?

- BY KEEPING YOUR PROMISE.

- WHAT, TO THAT KID?

I'M SUPPOSED TO GET HIS PARENTS BACK TOGETHER?

- MM-HMM.

- BY CHRISTMAS MORNING?

[chuckles]

YOU KNOW I'M NOT ACTUALLY SANTA CLAUS, RIGHT?

- THANKS FOR EDIFYING,

BUT YOU ASKED FOR MY ADVICE,

SO THERE YOU HAVE IT.

- HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO FOLLOW IT?

- NICK, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE ANSWERS,

I JUST WORK FOR THE BIG GUY.

- YEAH, LOOK, ABOUT THAT.

NO OFFENSE, BUT I'M NOT SURE I REALLY BELIEVE IN--

- [laughing] NONE TAKEN.

HE'S A GROWN-UP. HE CAN HANDLE REJECTION.

NOW, ABOUT THIS ALIEN...

- SIGOURNEY WEAVER HAD A SPEAR GUN.

WHERE'S MY SPEAR GUN?

- YOU JUST GOT OUT OF PRISON? - UH-HUH.

- WHAT WERE YOU IN FOR?

- GRIFTING.

- [gasps]

[imitates air whooshing]

- [chuckles]

- I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO.

- SORRY TO HARP ON MINOR DETAILS,

BUT HOW ARE YOU GONNA GET TWO PEOPLE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW

BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS?

- WORKIN' ON IT.

- YOU'RE WORKING SOME ANGLE HERE.

YOU HAVE TO BE.

- NO.

THIS JOB'S COMPLETELY ON THE LEVEL, RO.

WOW.

I'M GONNA NEED SOME EXPENSE MONEY, THOUGH.

AT LEAST FIVE OR SIX GRAND.

- WELL, I HAVEN'T GOT IT.

- RIGHT.

- [sighs]

BUT, YOU HAVE.

- SAY AGAIN?

- $5,800.

YOUR SHARE OF THE SALE OF MOM'S CONDO--

AFTER TAXES.

- 5,800 BUCKS?

WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THIS, RO?

- UH, WHEN I KNEW YOU WEREN'T GONNA SPEND IT ON HOOKERS,

HORSES, OR ANOTHER GAME OF CRAPS.

- YOU WERE NEVER GONNA TELL ME.

- LEVEL WITH ME, NICK.

THIS THING YOU'RE TRYING TO DO, IS IT EVEN POSSIBLE?

- WHAT KIND OF QUESTION IS THAT?

OF COURSE IT'S NOT POSSIBLE,

BUT... I HAVE TO TRY.

I NEED A WAY OF GETTING CLOSE TO THIS WOMAN AND HER EX-HUSBAND.

- HE'S NOT EX YET.

I OVERHEARD HER TALKING TO A FRIEND.

- WISH I KNEW WHAT HER NAME WAS.

- THAT I CAN HELP YOU WITH.

[babies crying]

- YEAH, GET IT UP RIGHT THERE. THAT'S GOOD.

HEY. - HI, GUYS.

- HEY. HOW'S IT GOING?

- EVERY DAY WE SAY,

"YEAH, NO, THOSE WALLS ARE COMING UP,

AND THAT WALL'S COMING UP,"

BUT I DON'T SEE THE WALLS REALLY COMING UP.

- WELL, NO. I SEE WALLS. - YEAH, WE'RE ON SCHEDULE.

- OKAY, I WANT THEM-- I WANT TWO WALLS UP TODAY.

- YOU GOT IT. - OKAY.

OKAY. - WELL, I MEAN, I WAS JUST--

- YEAH.

- WE'RE CLEAR.

[groans]

NICE.

SO MY WIFE WANTS ME TO EAT MORE FRUIT.

- COME ON, MAN. - SMART.

- I DO IT FOR HER.

- PERFECT.

[drill whirring]

- [sighs]

HEY, IT'S 10:30, GUYS.

- LUNCHTIME. - YOU KNOW IT.

- YES.

- YOU'RE BUYING. - NO.

- YES, YOU ARE. - I PAID LAST TIME.

- YEAH, BUT I--I'M GONNA PAY TWICE AFTER THAT.

SO YOU GET THE NEXT ONE.

- NO.

- [exhales]

- [sighs]

- OH, MY GOD! ARE YOU OKAY?

GOD. WHO'S IN CHARGE HERE?

- [stammering] THE WORKERS--

- NO, YOU BETTER GET FEMA DOWN HERE.

- THE WORKERS ARE AT LUNCH, AND H-HOW DID YOU GET--

- I WAS DRIVING BY AND I SAW THE DUST CLOUD.

ARE YOU THE OWNER?

- YEAH.

- OH, BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

FAULTY LANCET BEAM.

BOY, OH, BOY, OH, BOY.

TELL ME THE TRUTH, MA'AM,

IS THIS ONE OF THOSE DO-IT-YOURSELF KIND OF THINGS?

- NO, OF COURSE NOT.

I HIRED FOUR PROFESSIONALS.

- YEAH, WELL, THAT'S DEBATABLE.

YEAH, THESE LANCET SCREWS ARE SHOT.

SORRY. IT'S CONTRACTOR TALK.

- YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR?

- YEAH, JUST FOR THE LAST TEN YEARS.

- OH.

"NICK KENSINGTON CONSTRUCTION."

- YEAH, THAT NICK KENSINGTON.

THE ONE WHO BUILT THE GAZEBO BEHIND THE GOVERNOR'S MANSION.

LOOK, I'M GLAD YOU LOVE IT.

IT'S WINNING ALL KINDS OF AWARDS,

BUT I'M SICK TO DEATH OF TALKING ABOUT IT.

WHEW! ALL RIGHT.

WELL, I'M TAKIN' OFF.

YOU KNOW, THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A LOT WORSE, MA'AM.

YOU KNOW, JUST BE GRATEFUL THAT YOU DON'T HAVE ANY KIDS

RUNNING AROUND.

SO LONG.

- I HAVE A SEVEN-YEAR-OLD BOY.

- SEVEN?

IS THERE--IS THERE SOMEPLACE SAFE HE CAN GO STAY FOR AWHILE,

YOU KNOW, GRANDPARENTS, MAYBE?

- NO.

OKAY, LOOK, MR. KENSINGTON,

I KNOW THIS IS LAST-MINUTE, BUT IS THERE ANY WAY

THAT I COULD HIRE YOU TO FINISH THIS JOB?

- ME?

YOU MEAN FIT IT IN BEFORE I START DEREK JETER'S GUEST HOUSE

NEXT MONTH?

[chuckles]

WHOO.

OH, MAN.

- SHE THINKS YOU'RE A CONTRACTOR?

- START WORK TOMORROW MORNING.

- OH, THEN YOU GOT NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

TOMORROW IS MONTHS AWAY.

YOU'VE NEVER EVEN SWUNG A HAMMER IN YOUR LIFE, NICK.

HOW ARE YOU GONNA LEARN IN 12 HOURS?

- EASY-PEASY.

- SO YOU WANT TO BUILD AN ADDITION

AND NOT PAY A CARPENTER.

WELL, OLD WALTER BANFIELD'S GONNA SHOW YOU HOW.

FIRST, YOU'RE GONNA NEED A HAMMER.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED SOME NAILS.

YOU'RE GONNA NEED A STACK OF YELLOW PINE 2x4s,

AND YOU'RE GONNA NEED 12 CASES OF ROCKY SPRINGS LAGER.

OH, YEAH. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA NEED.

- SO BATHROOM'S DOWN THE HALL.

HELP YOURSELF TO WHATEVER'S IN THE FRIDGE,

AND IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, I'LL JUST BE INSIDE WORKING

MOST OF THE DAY.

- CAN I ASK WHAT YOU DO?

- WEB DESIGNER.

- SOUNDS INTERESTING. - SOME DAYS.

AND THEY LET ME WORK FROM HOME MOST OF THE WEEK SO...

- YEAH, I WORK FROM HOME TOO-- OTHER PEOPLES'.

HEY, HEY!

CONTRACTOR HUMOR.

OH, THAT'S A NICE PICTURE.

IS THAT--IS THAT YOUR HUSBAND RIGHT THERE?

- YES, THAT'S HIM IN THE PICTURE,

BUT HE'S NO LONGER, YOU KNOW, "IN THE PICTURE."

- GOT IT. - RIGHT.

SO HERE ARE THE SPECS FOR THE NEW ADDITION.

- OKAY.

MMM.

VERY NICE.

- YOU'RE LOOKING AT THEM UPSIDE DOWN.

- I KNOW.

YOUR FIRST VIEW SHOULD ALWAYS BE UPSIDE DOWN.

GIVES YOU A FRESH PERSPECTIVE ON THE DESIGN.

NOW THE FLIP.

[sucks teeth] YEP.

LOOKS GOOD THIS WAY TOO.

- ALL RIGHT, THEN.

I'LL BE IN TO CHECK ON YOU LATER TODAY.

- UH, AFRAID NOT, MRS. GUTHRIE.

I HAVE A POLICY WITH MY CLIENTS--

NO PEEKING.

- "NO PEEKING"?

- STRICTLY ENFORCED.

SUPERSTITIOUS? MAYBE.

BUT IF I MAKE AN EXCEPTION FOR YOU,

IT WOULDN'T BE FAIR TO THE GOVERNOR

OR DEREK JETER OR STAR JONES,

PHIL DONAHUE-- YOU KNOW, ANYBODY.

AS SOON AS I FINISH THE OFFICE,

YOU'LL BE THE FIRST ONE TO SEE IT.

HAVE I GOT YOUR WORD?

- WELL, I GUESS SO,

IF IT'S REALLY THAT IMPORTANT TO YOU.

- IT IS.

IT REALLY IS.

HEY, NO PEEKING! HUH?

- [giggles] - NO PEEKING.

RIGHT.

OKAY.

- NOW, YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO HOLD THE NAIL REAL STEADY.

REAL STEADY, SEE?

THEN YOU'RE GONNA BRING DOWN THE HAMMER IN A CONTROLLED ARC,

LIKE SO.

HA HA!

NOW YOU TRY IT.

BRING DOWN THE HAMMER. BRING IT DOWN!

DID YOU HIT IT?

IF NOT, HAVE ANOTHER BEER.

I BET YOU'LL HIT IT.

OH, WHATEVER YOU DO,

DON'T STRIKE THE NAIL ON THE SIDE.

IF YOU HIT IT THERE, IT COULD SHOOT OFF

AND HIT SOMETHING WICKED VALUABLE.

SOMETHING WICKED VALUABLE. YEAH?

- [screams]

[screaming]

AHH! MAMA MIA!

- MR. KENSINGTON?

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- I'M FINE.

JUST WATCHING THE GAME.

KNICKS ARE LOSING.

- OH.

WELL, I HOPE YOUR TEAM

SCORES MORE BASKETS.

- THANK YOU.

[screams]

- MR. KENSINGTON?

- THE SIXERS JUST DREW A PERSONAL FOUL.

- OKAY.

[saw buzzes] - [screams]

[gasps and screams]

- HEY.

HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE?

- OH, REALLY WELL. THANKS.

- SORRY YOUR TEAM'S PLAYING SO BADLY.

- ME TOO.

- DO GAMES USUALLY LAST FIVE HOURS?

- ONLY WHEN IT GOES INTO QUADRUPLE OVERTIME.

ARE THESE ORANGES OR TANGELOS?

- UH, ORANGES, I THINK.

IS YOUR HAND OKAY? - HMM?

YEAH, YEAH. IT JUST GETS COLD A LOT.

RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

COLD LEFT HAND.

- MOM!

- IN HERE, HONEY.

MY SON. - OH.

- HEY, BILLY. THIS IS MR. KENSINGTON.

HE'S DOING WORK ON OUR HOUSE.

- HI. - HEY, BILLY.

- YOU LOOK FAMILIAR. - I DO?

WELL, I GUESS I MUST HAVE ONE OF THOSE FACES, HUH?

- AND SOUND FAMILIAR.

- AND ONE OF THOSE VOICES.

THANK YOU. - YEAH.

ANY PROGRESS?

- STILL COLLECTING INTEL.

- YEAH, WELL, I GOT SOME INTEL FOR YOU:

THEY ARE EXPECTING YOU BACK IN THE SANTA SUIT BY TOMORROW.

- I KNOW.

- AND YOU CAN'T BE IN TWO PLACES AT ONCE.

- I KNOW.

- THANKS FOR PICKING ME UP, NICK.

OH, MAN. THAT'S A NICE TRUCK.

- OH, IT'S A RENTAL. HOW YOU FEELING?

- OH, I TURNED A NEW LEAF IN THERE, MAN.

I'M FEELIN' GOOD.

I'M PUTTING ALL THE CHEATING, LYING, AND DISHONESTY BEHIND ME.

- OH, THAT'S GREAT, BUT FIRST,

I NEED YOU TO BE ME FOR A COUPLE WEEKS.

- YOU GOT IT.

BEATS BEING MYSELF.

HO, HO, HO.

WHAT CAN SANTA BRING YOU THIS CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOY?

- A NEW LAPTOP. - WHAT? THAT'S EXPENSI

[Do You Hear What I Hear? playing softly]

*

- NOTE TO SELF:

CONSIDER RETHINKING BACKGROUND PROPERTIES

AND TEXT ALIGNMENT ON THE MAIN PAGE.

BILLY, I DON'T HEAR YOU PRACTICING.

- GOT TO FIND SOME INTEL.

- MR. KENSINGTON.

- STAY BACK!

I-I SAW IT GO RUNNING IN HERE.

- SAW WHAT? - THE MOUSE.

THERE MIGHT HAVE BEEN TWO OF THEM.

YOU BETTER PUT SOME SHOES ON. WAIT!

YOUR SHOES ARE RIGHT HERE.

DON'T PUT SOME SHOES ON.

JUST STAY BACK!

- MR. KENSINGTON,

I'M NOT WORRIED ABOUT A MOUSE.

- YOU'RE NOT? - NO.

I'M JUST GONNA GIVE IT TO THE CAT.

IN FACT, SHE MIGHT EVEN THANK ME FOR IT.

IT'S FUNNY, I THOUGHT YOU WERE LOOKING AT BILLY'S MUSTANG.

- BILLY'S-- - HIS P-51 FIGHTER JET.

IT'S A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM HIS FATHER.

BILLY LOVED IT.

- YEAH, I BROKE MY SHARE OF TOYS GROWING UP TOO.

- BILLY DIDN'T DO THIS.

[cell phone rings]

UGH.

- CLIENT?

- MR. MILLER. THE MAN IS SHORTENING MY LIFE.

I HAVE TO GO TO THE OFFICE FOR A COUPLE MINUTES.

CAN I ASK YOU A HUGE FAVOR?

THANKS FOR AGREEING TO BABYSIT.

- NO PROBLEM.

- I'LL BE AN HOUR, HOUR AND A HALF TOPS.

BILLY, LISTEN TO MR. KENSINGTON. HE'S IN CHARGE.

DON'T FORGET TO MAKE HIM PRACTICE.

PAGEANT IS THREE DAYS AWAY. - WILL DO.

- THANKS.

- HEY, BUDDY. - HEY.

- I LIKE THAT SONG YOU WERE PLAYING.

DON'T YOU WANT TO KEEP PLAYING IT?

- I'M SICK OF IT NOW.

- WELL, MAYBE WE CAN MAKE IT MORE INTERESTING.

YOU GOT ANY PAPER?

OH.

IS THIS YOUR DAD?

HE SEEMS LIKE A GOOD GUY.

- HE'S THE BEST,

BUT HE DOESN'T LIVE WITH US ANYMORE,

BUT HE WILL!

SEVEN MORE DAYS.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- IT'S A SECRET.

- YOU BELIEVE IT THOUGH, HUH?

OH, OF COURSE YOU DO.

THAT'S JUST GREAT.

- MR...GUTHRIE?

- IT'S OKAY, OLIVIA. I'M EXPECTED...

TO NEVER SET FOOT IN THIS PLACE AGAIN.

- ROCKY SPRINGS JUST HAD ITS BEST NOVEMBER EVER,

AND WE ARE CRAZY ABOUT THAT SLOGAN YOU CAME UP WITH.

"NOON AT LAST"? THAT'S BRILLIANT.

- WELL, THAT WAS STEVE'S INSPIRATION.

- SOMETIMES YOU JUST GET LUCKY.

- DAMN RIGHT YOU GOT LUCKY.

TAKING CREDIT FOR MY WORK, HUH?

HUH, YOU'RE LUCKY I DON'T STRANGLE YOU.

- JOHN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- OH, CONGRATS ON THE BIG PROMOTION TOO.

HUH? YOU LITTLE VIPER.

- GET HIM OUT.

- I'M SORRY. - CALM DOWN, BUDDY.

TAKE IT EASY. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WAIT. YOU'RE EJECTING THE WRONG GUY.

- I'M SURE. - WHAT ARE YOU--

GET OFF OF ME.

- I AM SO SORRY, MR. WAXMAN.

I-- [chuckles]

- YOU KNOW, I GUESS SOME PEOPLE LIKE YOUR PRODUCT

A LITTLE TOO MUCH.

- YEAH. - THAT'S RIGHT.

both: * SAID THE SHEPHERD BOY TO THE LITTLE LAMB *

* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING

* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING

* ARE YOU SURE ABOUT YOUR FACTS, LITTLE LAMB? *

* 'CAUSE I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING *

* I DON'T HEAR A DARN THING

* IT WAS PROBABLY JUST THE WIND *

* WHISTLING THROUGH THE TREES

* AND YOU'RE JUST JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS *

* YOU'RE JUST JUMPING TO CONCLUSIONS *

* SAID THE LITTLE LAMB TO THE SHEPHERD BOY *

* IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE HERE I CAN TALK TO? *

* IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE HERE I CAN TALK TO? *

* EVEN YOUR SILLY STICK, SHEPHERD BOY *

* BECAUSE I KNOW

* I REALLY HEARD A SOUND

* AND I'M NOT JUST MAKING THIS UP *

* I'M NOT JUST MAKING THIS UP

[laughter]

[applause] - BRAVO!

- MOM, MR. KENSINGTON CHANGED THE SONG.

HE MADE IT BETTER!

- I HEARD.

- YEAH, I'M NOT SURE ROME WOULD APPROVE,

BUT AT LEAST HE KNOWS THE CHORDS NOW.

[horn honking]

- OH, THEY'RE HERE, HONEY.

GO GET YOUR BACKPACK.

HIS FRIEND. HE'S HAVING A SLEEPOVER.

NOW, BE GOOD FOR MRS. NICHOLS

AND REMEMBER TO ASK FOR SECONDS.

- HER COOKING'S NASTY, MOM.

- I KNOW, BUT WE CAN'T TELL HER THAT UNTIL WHEN?

- 2056. - [laughs]

GIVE ME A KISS. [smooches]

ALL RIGHT. OFF YOU GO.

HEY. BYE, HONEY.

DO YOU HAVE KIDS?

- UH, NOT JUST YET.

- WELL, I'M VERY IMPRESSED.

HEY, HAVE YOU HAD LUNCH?

THERE'S A DINER DOWN THE STREET, AND I'M FAMISHED.

- UH, SURE.

- OH, IF YOU'RE TOO BUSY-- - NO, NO, NO, NO.

I'M JUST WAITING FOR SOME LANCET GLUE TO DRY ON SOME 2x4s.

I HAVE TIME. - GREAT.

LET ME JUST GRAB MY KEYS.

- IS THAT MACE?

- OH, YEAH.

YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO CAREFUL.

PEOPLE AREN'T ALWAYS WHO THEY SEEM TO BE.

- RIGHT?

BILLY IS A TERRIFIC KID.

- THE BEST. [laughs]

- HOW OFTEN DOES HE SEE HIS FATHER?

- JOHN?

UM...

WHENEVER HE'S SOBER ENOUGH TO BE SEEN.

THINK WE'RE DOWN TO... TWICE A MONTH NOW.

ARE YOU MARRIED?

- ONCE,

FOR ABOUT TEN MINUTES.

IT ENDED.

- CAN I ASK WHAT HAPPENED?

STOP ME IF I'M GETTING TOO PERSONAL.

- OH, NO. YOU'RE FINE.

YOU KNOW, MOSTLY, IT WAS MY CAREER THAT BOTHERED HER.

- YOUR CAREER?

- YEAH, YEAH.

SHE SAID THAT MY BEING A CON--

TRACTOR WAS DRIVING HER CRAZY.

SO SHE WANTED ME TO QUIT, DO SOMETHING LESS DANGEROUS.

- OH.

I DIDN'T KNOW HOMEBUILDING COULD BE SO DANGEROUS.

- YEAH, IT CAN BE.

YEAH, IF--

LIGHTNING STRIKES,

NAIL GUN MISHAPS, THINGS LIKE THAT.

ANYWAY, UM...

I WOULDN'T GIVE IT UP, SO SHE WALKED.

DIVORCED ME AND GOT HITCHED TO A NICE, DEPENDABLE

SOFTWARE ENGINEER NAMED RONALD SCHLUMBERGER.

[laughter]

- SCHLUMBERGER? - I KID YOU NOT.

I SEE THEM ONLINE SOMETIMES.

THEY'VE GOT A PASSEL OF TINY SCHLUMBERGERS RUNNING AROUND.

- [laughing]

- THEY LIVE IN NEBRASKA. DON'T ASK ME WHY.

THANK YOU FOR LUNCH.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

WHAT'S WRONG? - OH, I--I FORGOT MY PHONE.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK. - OKAY. I'LL GET THE CAR.

- OH, MY GOD. MISS, MISS!

I THINK MY BABY JUST SWALLOWED SOMETHING.

- OH, YEAH. - PLEASE HELP ME.

YOUR PURSE AND YOUR KEYS RIGHT NOW.

- HUH?

- MOVE IT.

AH! - NICK!

- [screaming]

SON OF A CRAB CAKE!

- HELP!

- AH! AH! - NICK, ARE YOU OKAY?

- NO, I'M NOT OKAY!

- AH. AH! - HOLD STILL.

- AH, WHAT IS THAT?

- THAT'S MILK.

IT NEUTRALIZES THE ACID.

JUST TRY NOT TO TOUCH IT.

- [groans]

- I'M REALLY SORRY.

- AH, FOR WHAT?

- I BROUGHT THE MACE. - OH, RIGHT.

I FORGOT YOU CATERED THAT LITTLE PARTY.

- YEAH.

- WELL, AT LEAST YOU KNOW IT WORKS NOW, RIGHT?

NOW YOU CAN SPRAY WITH CONFIDENCE.

- WERE YOU ALWAYS THIS FUNNY?

- OH, NO. NO, NO, NO.

COMEDY COMES OUT OF PAIN.

I'VE ONLY BEEN THIS FUNNY FOR AN HOUR.

- [laughs]

[sighs]

HEY, THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID BACK THERE.

- [chuckles]

YOUR TURN.

- MY TURN? - YEAH.

YOU KNOW ABOUT MY EX.

AH.

WHERE'D YOU MEET YOURS?

- UM...

WELL, WE MET AT DUKE.

I WAS A FINE ARTS MAJOR.

JOHN WAS ENGLISH LIT. FULL SCHOLARSHIP.

VERY PROUD, AND AN ALCOHOLIC.

USED TO PULL 3.7s HAMMERED.

HE WASN'T STUPID, JUST VERY STUPID.

WE BOTH WERE.

- WHY YOU?

- WELL, I DID MORE THAN JUST PUT UP WITH HIM.

- OH.

PARTY GIRL, HUH?

- [chuckles] YEAH.

MATCHED HIM SHOT FOR SHOT

FOR A WHILE-- SIX YEARS.

- AND THEN?

- AND THEN SOME THINGS JUST KIND OF GIVE ME UP, YOU KNOW?

BUT JOHN REFUSED TO SLOW DOWN.

HE GOT INTO ADVERTISING,

AND WHEN HIS DRINKING GOT HIM FIRED FROM ONE PLACE,

HE JUST GOT HIRED SOMEPLACE ELSE.

HE'S THAT GOOD.

- AND THEN BILLY CAME ALONG.

- AND THEN BILLY CAME ALONG.

AND THERE ARE NO CHILD SEATS IN THE FAST LANE.

I THREATENED TO WALK IF HE DIDN'T QUIT DRINKING,

AND HE DID.

DIDN'T TOUCH A DROP AFTER HIS SON WAS BORN...

UNTIL TWO MONTHS AGO.

- SOMETHING PUSH HIM OFF THE WAGON?

- UH, WORK STUFF.

I DON'T KNOW ALL THE DETAILS.

CLAIMS SOMEBODY AT THE AGENCY RIPPED HIM OFF.

DOESN'T EXCUSE HIM COMING HOME DRUNK THAT NIGHT

AND SCREAMING AT ME,

BREAKING HIS SON'S TOYS,

PUTTING HIS FIST THROUGH THE KITCHEN WALL.

THAT WAS WHEN THE POLICE CAME,

AND THAT WAS HIS LAST NIGHT HERE,

AND HIS FIRST NIGHT AT THE NAUGHTY TAVERN.

- NAUGHTY... - TAVERN.

IT'S HIS FAVORITE WATERING HOLE.

- UH, COFFEE. BLACK.

HEY, YOU MIND PUTTING THE DUKE GAME ON?

- NOPE. DEVILS DON'T PLAY TONIGHT.

NEXT GAME'S THURSDAY, 6:45.

- YOU A DUKESTER?

- RIGHT DOWN TO MY SOCKS.

- WHAT CLASS? - '03.

'03, JUST WAIT AND SEE.

[imitates explosion]

- WAIT. I-- '02.

'02, WE'RE...COMING FOR YOU. [imitates gun clicking]

POW!

WAIT A SECOND.

HOLD ON. IS YOUR NAME GUTHRIE?

JOSH GUTHRIE?

- JOHN.

- JOHN GUTHRIE. HELL YEAH.

NICK...

STACK...ENHOUSEN.

WE WERE IN ENGLISH COMP TOGETHER.

- OH, WHAT PROFESSOR? MCSHEA?

- YOU KNOW IT.

THE MICK. HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE, HUH?

- LIZ MCSHEA'S A WOMAN.

- YOU DIDN'T LET ME FINISH.

I WAS GONNA SAY,

HE WAS SOMETHING ELSE...

A WOMAN.

SHE REALLY DUG YOUR WORK, MAN.

WE ALL DID.

- THANK YOU.

HEY, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO THAT--

THAT GIRL YOU WERE SEEING?

KAREN?

- CAROL. - CAROL. RIGHT.

SHE WAS GREAT.

- I MARRIED HER.

- CONGRATULATIONS.

- SHE GAVE ME THE BOOT SIX WEEKS AGO.

- HEY, DO YOU HAVE ANY LOCAL BEERS?

- YEAH, ROCKY SPRINGS.

- I LOVE THEIR NEW SLOGAN.

"NOON AT LAST."

- WELL, THEN LOVE ME.

I WROTE IT.

- WHOA. HEY, JOHN.

- AUTHOR, AUTHOR STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF YOU.

- JOHN, ARE WE GONNA HAVE A PROBLEM HERE?

- NO. - NO, NO, NO PROBLEM.

HOW ABOUT WE GET SOME SOLID FOOD TO SOAK UP SOME OF THAT BOURBON?

- OKAY, BUT THAT'S MINE, YOU KNOW.

- I KNOW. - I DID THAT ONE.

- HEY, JOHN, WE SAID SOLID FOOD.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK ICE IS? [laughs]

- RIGHT.

- SORRY, I'M DRUNK.

- NO PROBLEM.

- IT'S ON ACCOUNT OF ALL THE ALCOHOL.

- OH, THAT SOLVES THAT RIDDLE.

- YEAH.

- HEY, TELL ME ABOUT CAROL.

YOU KNOW, WHY'D SHE GIVE YOU THE BOOT?

- WELL, SHE SAYS THAT I MADE A VOW TO STOP DRINKING,

AND SHE SAYS I BROKE THAT VOW SIX WEEKS AGO

BY DRINKING.

SHE SAYS THAT I FRIGHTENED HER

WHEN I CAME HOME ROARING DRUNK

THE NIGHT THAT JERK-FACE TOOK MY SLOGAN.

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAYS.

- WELL, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

- OH, SHE'S RIGHT.

YEAH.

- HEY, WELL, YOU KNOW,

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE IT UP,

THE BOOZIN'?

- WHY?

- MAYBE CAROL WILL HAVE YOU BACK.

- [scoffs] NO.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I-I BROKE MY PROMISE.

"PROMISES TO KEEP."

I DON'T HAVE A PRAYER WITH CAROL.

- HEY, THEN DO IT FOR YOURSELF THEN.

WE CAN GET YOU HELP.

- LOOK, MAN, I DON'T NEED YOUR HELP.

OKAY? I DON'T NEED ANYBODY'S HELP.

EXCEPT THE BARTENDER'S.

ANYBODY SEEN MY SHOES?

- [groans]

HEY, SIS.

WHAT'S THAT? A NEW BLOUSE? IT LOOKS GREAT.

HEY, YOU KNOW, MY FRIEND PAUL GREENBERG.

PAUL, RIGHT? HE'S BEEN--

- CLAUSING IT UP AT THE MALL

WHILE YOU'VE BEEN PLAYING MATCHMAKER?

- RIGHT. - YEAH. I WORK THERE TOO.

REMEMBER, NICK? - MM-HMM.

- HOW YOU DOING THERE? IT'S PAUL GREENBERG?

NICE TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- BATHROOM'S THAT WAY.

- I HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM?

- YES.

- OKAY.

- WHAT IS HE DOING HERE?

BETTER YET, WHAT IS HIS SUITCASE DOING HERE?

- HERE'S THE THING,

HE'S BEEN STAYING AT THE Y FOR THE LAST FEW DAYS,

AND WE THOUGHT HE COULD SAVE A LITTLE MONEY IF HE JUST--

- OH, SO YOU THINK I'M RUNNING A HALFWAY HOUSE

FOR YOU AND YOUR CONVICT FRIENDS.

- RO... - NO, NO, NO.

WHY DON'T WE JUST OPEN A METHADONE CLINIC

IN THE BASEMENT, AND I CAN SELL HOT TVs OUT OF THE ATTIC.

HOW WOULD THAT BE?

- I CAN SEE THAT YOU'RE UPSET.

- YEAH, LOOK, I WANT YOUR FRIEND AND HIS SUITCASE

OUT OF MY HOUSE IN THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES

OR YOU CAN BOTH LEAVE.

AND I'M NOT KIDDING.

- NICK,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOUR SISTER OWNED A YELLOWTAIL DAMSELFISH.

CHRYSIPTERA PARASEMA. I LOVE THAT SPECIES.

- YOU KNOW ABOUT TROPICAL FISH?

- DOESN'T EVERYONE?

HEY, NICK, DID YOU KNOW THAT THESE FISH ONLY FEED AT DUSK?

NOW, HOW COOL IS THAT?

- OKAY, I WANT HIM OUT BY MORNING.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

- AH, SONATA IN G MAJOR.

FRESHWATER FISH, THEY LOVE THEIR CHOPIN.

I LIKE YOUR STYLE.

[clicks tongue, chuckles]

- OKAY, I WANT HIM OUT BY THE END OF THE WEEK.

THERE'LL BE HELL TO PAY.

- CAN I FEED THEM?

[indistinct conversation]

- I CAN JUST GROW IT IN THE GARDEN.

OH, AND THIS IS NICK ON THE SOCCER TEAM IN 11TH GRADE.

HE WAS THE GOALIE.

- YOU SURE DID HAVE A LOT OF ACNE, NICK.

- THANK YOU, PAUL.

- OH, THIS IS ME IN THE SCHOOL PLAY.

WE DID OUR TOWN THAT YEAR.

- YOU LOOK EXACTLY LIKE MEG RYAN RIGHT THERE.

- REALLY? - OH, YEAH.

[doorbell rings]

- YOU'RE STILL GOING TO SCHOOL.

COME ON IN.

I HOPE YOU BROUGHT YOUR FLAK JACKET.

- SANTA WASN'T LYING.

YOU'RE CALLING HIM A LIAR.

- I'M NOT.

I'M JUST SAYING HE OVERPROMISED.

SOMETIMES GROWN-UPS OVERPROMISE.

- NOT SANTA!

- BILLY.

- WHAT'S UP?

- THE MALL SANTA PROMISED HIM THAT HE'D GET ME AND HIS FATHER

BACK TOGETHER BY CHRISTMAS.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?

- WOW.

- I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF IMBECILE MAKES A PROMISE LIKE THAT

TO A LITTLE CHILD?

- RIGHT?

YOU NEVER KNOW, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT BE A BRIGHT,

FUNNY, GOOD-LOOKING GUY WHO WAS LEGITIMATELY DISTRACTED.

YOU JUST-- YOU JUST NEVER KNOW.

- NOW HE SAYS HE DOESN'T WANT TO PLAY IN THE PAGEANT TODAY.

- IT'S TODAY? - YEAH.

- DO YOU MIND IF I TALK TO HIM

MAN-TO-MAN?

- YEAH.

[knocks on door]

- HEY, CHAMP.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I HEARD ABOUT SANTA'S PROMISE AT THE MALL THE OTHER DAY.

- HE WASN'T LYING.

- I KNOW.

- YOU KNOW? - SURE.

I DON'T KNOW IF HE'LL BE ABLE TO KEEP THAT PROMISE.

YOU KNOW, SOME JOBS ARE EVEN TOO BIG FOR SANTA,

BUT HE'LL GIVE IT HIS BEST SHOT.

YOU KNOW, HE MIGHT EVEN GET YOUR DAD TO COME

TO THE PAGEANT TODAY.

- HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY A LITTLE REINDEER TOLD ME.

[chuckles]

- JUST THE MAN I'M LOOKING FOR.

- HEY, CLASS OF '02. - AH, THAT'S ME.

HEY, JOHN, YOU KNOW THAT BIG GROCERY STORE UP THE ROAD THERE?

WELL, THIS WAS ON THEIR BULLETIN BOARD.

- CHRISTMAS PAGEANT? - YEAH, IT'S TODAY.

AND SEE?

BILLY'S GONNA BE PLAYING IN IT.

- I TOLD YOU MY SON'S NAME?

- HOW ELSE WOULD I KNOW IT?

THAT MEANS CAROL'S GONNA BE THERE TOO, RIGHT?

THIS IS YOUR CHANCE TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

- [sighs]

- HEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO GET CLEANED UP,

AND WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU HAD THAT SUIT WASHED?

- YESTERDAY.

- I DON'T MEAN IN THE RAIN.

- OH. TWO MONTHS.

- MR. KENSINGTON. WHAT ARE YOU DOING--

- WELL, YOU THINK I WOULDN'T BE HERE FOR BILLY?

I'D SOONER MISS THE OSCARS.

- AW.

- HE WAS ACTUALLY GIDDY ABOUT PERFORMING TONIGHT.

WHAT'D YOU SAY TO HIM ANYWAY?

- SORRY. PRIVILEGED CONVERSATION.

MAN-TO-MAN.

- AH, OKAY. - YEAH.

- [chuckles]

[playing Silent Night on bells]

*

ANYTHING WRONG? - NO.

NO.

- [gasps] THERE HE IS.

[squeals]

[giggles]

kids: * SAID THE NIGHT WIND--

- OH, MY GOD.

kids: * DO YOU SEE WHAT I SEE?

- PLEASE SIT DOWN. PLEASE SIT DOWN.

PLEASE SIT DOWN.

I'M SORRY.

- HMM?

- [humming]

* SHEPHERD BOY

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I KNOW?

* DO-DO-DO THE SHEPHERD BOY *

* DO YOU SEE WHAT I KNOW?

NO, NO, NO. DON'T STOP.

DON'T STOP.

KEEP GOING, BUDDY. YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

DOING GREAT.

- JOHN. - SON, DON'T STOP.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT. I'LL JUST--

BE OVER HERE SOMEWHERE, OKAY?

THAT'S MY BOY BILLY UP THERE, EVERYBODY.

THAT'S MY BOY RIGHT THERE. HUH? ISN'T HE GREAT?

[claps]

LET'S GIVE HIM A BIG HAND, HUH?

BIG HAND FOR BILLY. COME ON.

WHAT-- WHAT?

WHAT--

OKAY.

[stammering]

POLICE BRUTALITY.

YOU'RE ALL WITNESSES.

WHAT?

- OH, MY GOD. HE STOLE IT.

- WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH DADDY?

- I TOLD YOU.

DADDY IS VERY SICK.

- IS HE EVER GONNA GET BETTER?

- MAYBE.

IF HE WANTS TO,

BUT RIGHT NOW HE DOESN'T WANT TO.

- HOW IS HE?

- SLEEPING. FINALLY.

HERE'S HOPING I CAN TOO, RIGHT? - YEAH.

- ARE YOU HUNGRY? CAN I FIX YOU SOMETHING?

- NO, NO.

IN FACT, I SHOULD PROBABLY GET GOIN'.

- OH, OKAY. I'LL WALK YOU OUT.

WHAT WERE YOU SORRY FOR?

- SAY AGAIN?

- WHEN JOHN WENT WOBBLING TOWARDS THE STAGE,

I THOUGHT I HEARD YOU SAY, "I'M SORRY."

WHAT WERE YOU SORRY FOR?

- I-I DON'T REMEMBER.

GUESS I WAS SORRY THAT YOU AND BILLY HAD TO SEE THAT.

- YEAH.

ME TOO.

YOU KNOW, I CAN'T HELP FEELING THAT MOST OF THIS IS MY FAULT.

I KNOW IT'S NOT RATIONAL,

BUT MAYBE I WASN'T A GOOD ENOUGH WIFE TO HIM.

- CAROL.

- NO, MAYBE I--

MAYBE I DIDN'T LOVE HIM ENOUGH.

- CAROL, LOOK AT ME.

YOU'RE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JOHN.

HE MESSED UP. NOT YOU.

HE HAS TO FACE THE CONSEQUENCES. YOU CAN'T AFFORD TO.

YOU'VE GOT BILLY TO THINK ABOUT.

HEY, YOU WERE RIGHT.

NO CHILD SEATS IN THE FAST LANE.

- YOU WANT TO STAY FOR A GLASS OF WINE?

- [sighs]

I WANT TO.

I'D LOVE TO,

BUT...

IT'S--IT'S GETTING LATE.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT BILLY.

HE'S A TOUGH KID.

- YEAH.

- ALMOST AS TOUGH AS HIS MOM.

- NICK?

NICK, I THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.

HOW'S IT GOING?

- HEY.

- WANT TO SHARE A KING-SIZED CHOCOLATE AND NOUGAT?

- NO, THANKS.

- SO WHERE ARE YOU BOUND FOR, NICK?

- MILWAUKEE.

- WHO'S IN MILWAUKEE?

- NOBODY. THAT'S ONE OF ITS CHARMS.

WHERE ARE YOU--

- WELL, ONE OF MY FLOCK

GOT HIMSELF INTO QUITE THE PICKLE.

NOT TOO FAR FROM HERE.

I GOT TO GO WHERE I'M NEEDED.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN, NICK?

WHATEVER HAPPENED WITH YOU AND THE ALIEN?

- [scoffs]

- REALLY, NICK?

SOMEPLACE ELSE YOU GOT TO BE RIGHT NOW?

- SO BECAUSE OF YOU, THE HUSBAND'S IN JAIL,

THE WIFE IS HALF IN LOVE WITH YOU,

YOU MIGHT FEEL THE SAME FOR HER AS WELL.

IS THAT THE TWEET?

- THAT'S THE TWEET.

- [laughs]

AS IF THIS SITUATION WASN'T DRAMATIC ENOUGH.

- SEE?

THIS IS WHY I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY ANYTHING.

- HMM. YOU HAD TO SPICE IT UP.

MAKE IT MORE EXCITING.

I UNDERSTAND. MM-HMM.

- YOU'RE, LIKE, THE MOST SARCASTIC CLERIC OF ALL TIME.

YOU KNOW THAT? - [laughs]

ACTUALLY... [laughs]

I'M IN DEAD HEAT WITH THOMAS AQUINAS.

BUT YOU WANT TO HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY, NICK?

- YOU MEAN FOR A CHANGE? - [laughs]

I'M HOLDING BACK ON THE SARCASM.

- WHAT ARE YOU PICKING ON ME FOR?

- BECAUSE I EXPECT MORE FROM YOU.

EH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

GOOD PEOPLE HAVE IT TOUGHER.

- WHO SAYS I'M GOOD?

- WHY'D YOU LEAVE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?

BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T WANT TO TELL ANYBODY,

AND YOU LOOK TIRED, NICK.

YOUR EYES ARE AS BLOODSHOT AS COURTNEY LOVE

ON A SUNDAY MORNING,

AND I KNOW YOU'RE STILL HAVING A HARD TIME SLEEPING.

YOU KNOW, NICK, IF YOU WEREN'T A GOOD PERSON,

NONE OF THIS WOULD BE NAGGING YOU.

- I CAN'T HELP THEM.

- MAYBE NOT.

- I'M SORRY?

- MAYBE NOT.

LISTEN, NICK,

FAMILIES BREAK APART ALL THE TIME.

MAYBE YOU CAN'T HELP THEM.

- BUT?

- BUT HAVE YOU REALLY TRIED AS HARD AS YOU CAN?

HAVE YOU DONE EVERYTHING IN YOUR POWER?

OR DO YOU HAVE JUST A LITTLE MORE GAS IN YOUR TANK?

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO RETURN THE CAR WITH AN EMPTY TANK.

THAT'S THE RULE.

- WHOSE RULE?

[chuckles]

NO, I TOLD YOU, I DON'T BELIEVE--

- AHH, NICK.

BUT HE BELIEVES IN YOU,

AND HE ALWAYS HAS.

DON'T YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

- [exhales]

STEALING A SUIT? ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW?

- I WANTED TO MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION.

- OH, GOT TO LOVE THE IRONY THERE.

- THEY WERE ASKING 1,400 BUCKS.

- WELL, MAYBE THEY'LL GIVE YOU A DISCOUNT

NOW THAT IT'S BEEN USED.

- THANKS FOR BAILING ME OUT, BUT WHY?

- WELL, LET'S JUST SAY I HAVE MY OWN REASONS

FOR WANTING TO HELP YOU.

LET'S TALK.

- I HAD A TON OF IDEAS FOR THAT BEER CAMPAIGN,

AND THEY WERE ALL ON MY HARD DRIVE.

- YOU THINK THIS REPPERTON GUY STOLE YOUR PASSWORD.

- OH, I KNOW HE DID.

- WHAT WAS IT?

- ROSE POGONIAS.

- "ROSE BOGONIAS"?

- POGONIAS.

IT'S A POEM BY ROBERT FROST.

- HOW DID REPPERTON GET AHOLD OF IT?

- PROBABLY BY GETTING ME DRUNK.

- I THOUGHT IT WAS ONLY AFTER HE RIPPED OFF YOUR WORK

YOU STARTED BOOZING AGAIN?

- I LIED.

BEEN OFF THE WAGON 14 MONTHS.

CAROL THINKS IT'S TWO.

YOU DON'T BELIEVE A WORD I'VE SAID ABOUT REPPERTON, DO YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW YET.

- OH, MR. REPPERTON? - YEAH.

- THESE ARE THE FIGURES THAT YOU WERE ASKING FOR.

- OH, THANK YOU,

AND I SEE SOME OTHER FIGURES I LIKE A WHOLE LOT BETTER,

SO I'M JUST THROWING IT OUT THERE.

- YEAH. - ALL RIGHT.

THROWING IT OUT THERE.

- DELIVERY FROM ROCCO'S.

- OH, GREAT. PIZZA. YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA TAKE YOU RIGHT INTO THE CONFERENCE ROOM.

- OH, OKAY. - OKAY.

PIZZA, EVERYBODY!

PIZZA. PIPIN' HOT.

- WHOA, WHOA. WHO ORDERED THAT?

- LET'S SEE HERE.

THE SLIP HERE SAYS "COMPLIMENTS OF MR. W."

- MR. W?

- OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE HOWARD WAXMAN.

HE REALLY LOVED THE SLOGAN, STEVE.

- COME ON, PHIL, YOU KNOW IT'S A TEAM EFFORT, BUDDY.

- ALL RIGHT. DIG IN, EVERYBODY.

UH-OH. OH, HOLD THE PHONE.

- HOLD THE PHONE? - OH, YEAH.

THAT EIGHT LOOKED LIKE A THREE BEFORE.

I'M AT THE WRONG ADDRESS.

- WAIT, WAIT. WHAT?

- THIS IS NOT YOUR PIZZA.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SPIT IT OUT, SIR.

COME ON. HERE YOU GO.

NO. COME ON. PLEASE. - SIR, HERE WE GO.

I'M SORRY, BIG MAN. THAT COMES OUT OF MY PAY.

- WAIT, SLOW DOWN, BUDDY.

HOW ABOUT I JUST PAY FOR THE PIZZA?

OKAY, I JUST GOT A PROMOTION. IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

I'LL HANDLE IT.

- WHAT, SO I'M LATE FOR MY NEXT DELIVERY?

NO WAY.

- LISTEN, I'LL GIVE YOU 20 BUCKS TO SAY YOU GOT STUCK IN TRAFFIC.

- I'LL MATCH IT. - WHOA.

- OKAY, OKAY, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT,

I SEE THAT YOU GOT A DART BOARD, A NERF BASKETBALL.

THIS SEEMS LIKE A SPORTING CROWD TO ME.

- YEAH. - MM-HMM.

- WHAT DO YOU SAY WE MAKE A LITTLE WAGER?

- A WAGER?

- YEAH, COST OF THE PIZZA SAYS THAT THIS MAN HERE

CAN'T COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 100 BY NINES

WHILE BALANCING A HOT CUP OF COFFEE ON THE BACK OF EACH HAND.

[laughter]

- YOU GOT TO BE KIDDING ME, BUDDY.

I COULD DO THAT ON ONE LEG.

- ALL SET? - MM-HMM.

- GO. - BY NINES, RIGHT?

- YEAH. - 100.

91.

82.

73.

64.

55. 40--

- [whispers] ROSE POGONIAS.

- WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

- JUST ANOTHER POETRY LOVER.

- TWO OUT OF THREE?

[alarm beeping]

- WE HAVE 30 SECONDS TO DISABLE THE ALARM.

- CAN YOU DO IT? - OF COURSE I CAN.

I TOLD YOU I CAN AS LONG AS IT'S NOT A FENWICK.

IT'S A FENWICK. - WHAT DO WE DO?

- WE HURRY.

[alarm speeds up]

ALL RIGHT, IF HE HACKED IN FROM THIS COMPUTER,

THERE'LL BE A RECORD OF IT.

- WHAT IF HE USED JOHN'S?

- OH, THEN WE'RE SCREWED.

GOT IT. - WHAT?

- [chuckles] HE DID HACK IN FROM HERE.

HE TRIED ENCRYPTING THE DATA, BUT EH...

- YOU'RE YOU.

- EXACTLY.

- HOW DAMNING? - OH, SMOKING GUN.

TIMES, DATES, THE WORKS. - GOOD, GOOD, GOOD.

EMAIL THE DATA TO THIS ADDRESS. - ALL RIGHT.

- WHO'S JILL STANWYCK? - THE BOSS.

[sirens blaring]

AND IF YOU COULD DO IT IN THE NEXT 40 SECONDS,

THAT'D BE GOOD TOO.

ALMOST DONE?

- YOU'RE MAKING ME NERVOUS. - SORRY.

SORRY. SORRY. SORRY. TAKE YOUR TIME.

ALMOST DONE?

- DONE. - RIGHT.

THEY'RE COMING THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR,

WHICH MEANS WE HAVE TO JUMP.

- JUMP? - YEAH. OUT THE WINDOW.

- OKAY. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

OKAY, OH, OH.

OKAY, BUT IF I DIE,

TELL YOUR SISTER I LOVED HER.

- THERE'S A FIRE ESCAPE.

- OH, YEAH, I'LL TELL HER MYSELF.

- AH, WELL, WELL, WELL,

MISS OLIVIA LOOKS HAPPY TODAY.

HAVING DREAMS ABOUT ME LAST NIGHT?

- [giggles]

MRS. STANWYCK WANTS TO SEE YOU.

YEAH.

- HEY, YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT--

YOU DON'T HAVE THE RIGHT...

TO PUSH ME.

I GOT YOU THAT JOB.

- LET'S CHECK THE COLOR VALUES

AND THE FONT WEIGHT OF THE WEBPAGE DONE 11/22.

[knocks]

HEY, COME IN.

ALMOST FINISHED HERE.

- ME TOO, ACTUALLY.

- SO WHEN'S THE BIG UNVEILING? - TOMORROW.

YOU'RE GONNA BE HOME AROUND 6:00, RIGHT?

[cell phone rings] - MM-HMM. OH.

IT'S JOHN.

HE'S CALLING ME 20 TIMES A DAY NOW.

- WELL, YOU COULD ANSWER IT.

- I DON'T ACCEPT CALLS FROM STRANGERS.

- YOU KNOW, A FRIEND OF MINE WORKS SECURITY

OVER AT STANWYCK ROLLINS.

HE SAID A GUY NAMED REPPERTON WAS FIRED YESTERDAY

FOR STEALING INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY FROM YOUR HUSBAND.

- GREAT. I'M PLEASED.

- THAT'S IT?

- WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING?

- I MEAN, I DON'T KNOW.

MORE.

- [sighs]

I'M GLAD THEY CLEARED JOHN'S NAME.

I AM.

DOESN'T CHANGE WHAT HE'S BECOME.

DOESN'T CHANGE THE FACT THAT AT THE END OF THE DAY,

HIS FAMILY'S WORTH LESS TO HIM

THAN THE PRICE OF A BOTTLE OF SCOTCH.

YOU WANT MORE, MR. KENSINGTON?

SORRY, BUT THIS IS ALL I HAVE AVAILABLE RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT IF HE GETS HELP?

- SORRY?

- THE HELP HE'S BEEN AVOIDING ALL THIS TIME.

WHAT IF HE ACCEPTED IT? ON THE LEVEL?

- I'D TAKE HIM BACK TOMORROW IF IT WAS ON THE LEVEL,

BUT HE'LL NEVER DO IT.

JOHN HAS A CHIP ON HIS SHOULDER THE SIZE OF RHODE ISLAND.

YOU DON'T KNOW HIM.

- WELL, I GUESS I'LL GO SWING BY HOME DEPOT BEFORE THEY...

IS IT SNOWING OUT?

- WHAT?

OH, NO. I DON'T THINK SO.

BUT I HEAR IT'S SUPPOSED TO CHRISTMAS NOW.

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

- INTRODUCING YOUR BODY TO A FOREIGN SUBSTANCE.

IT'S WATER. DON'T PANIC.

- HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?

- OH, IT TOOK MONTHS OF PLANNING, JOHN.

THIS PLACE IS LIKE FORT KNOX.

UH-UH. UH-UH. NO.

NOT IN FRONT OF ME. NOT ANYMORE.

NO, I DON'T THINK SO, JOHN.

I EAT SOLID FOOD. I'LL KNOCK YOU FLAT.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT?

- I WANT YOU TO HEAR SOMETHING.

- WHAT?

- THE PRAYER YOU HAVEN'T GOT.

- I'D TAKE HIM BACK TOMORROW IF IT WAS ON THE LEVEL,

BUT HE'LL NEVER DO IT.

- WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

- WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

THE QUESTION IS, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT IT?

- I ALREADY TOLD HER I WAS SORRY.

- THAT'S THE EASY PART.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'VE LEARNED OVER THE LAST FEW DAYS, JOHN?

IT'S NOT THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS.

IT'S THE DEED.

ACTIONS MATTER, JOHN.

WHAT WE DO MATTERS.

THE REST IS DECORATION.

[sighs]

- HEY, I TOLD YOU I OWED YOU ONE, NICK.

- CAN THEY REALLY GET THIS DONE IN SIX HOURS?

- WITH THE INCENTIVE I PROMISED THEM, ABSOLUTELY.

- WHAT WAS THAT?

- LUNCH AT HOOTERS.

- OH, THAT'LL DO IT.

YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO SUPERVISE THIS YOURSELF, YOU KNOW?

- NO, NO, I KNOW.

I THOUGHT IT'D GIVE US A CHANCE TO CATCH UP,

YOU KNOW, MAYBE HAVE A LITTLE TALK.

- WHAT ABOUT?

- ABOUT YOUR PLANS FOR ONE THING.

- I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT DIPPING MY TOE

INTO THE STRAIGHT AND NARROW,

SEEING WHAT THAT'S LIKE.

- YEAH, OH, YEAH, WELL, GAINFUL EMPLOYMENT

IS PRETTY GOOD FOR MOST PEOPLE.

HEY, DID I TELL YOU WE'RE BUILDING A NEW REC ROOM?

STATE OF THE ART, WIFI, OH, SATELLITES,

OH, A SATELLITE THE SIZE OF THE MOON.

- WARDEN, I'M NOT GONNA GET MYSELF THROWN BACK IN PRISON

JUST TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR POKER GAME.

- OH, COME ON, NICK, WILL YA?

YOU HAVEN'T EVEN LISTENED TO MY PITCH YET.

- I LOVE IT.

- IT'S WHAT I DO.

- [chuckles]

- OH, BY THE WAY, IS THIS YOURS?

IT WAS IN MY COAT POCKET.

I GUESS I ACCIDENTLY TOOK IT.

LOOKS JUST LIKE MY LANCET GAUGE.

- HMM, WONDERED WHERE THAT GOT TO.

- SO YOU'RE REALLY GONNA SELL THIS PLACE?

- TIME TO MOVE ON.

- LOOK, MOM,

IT'S A TOOTHBRUSH FILED DOWN TO A POINT.

- HUH.

- THAT'S WEIRD.

JOHN?

YOU SEEN JOHN GUTHRIE TONIGHT?

- NOPE. NOT LAST NIGHT EITHER.

- THANKS.

- HEY.

I KNOW WHERE HE IS, THOUGH.

- SORRY TO CALL YOU DOWN HERE SO LATE.

I CAME TO USE THE RESTROOM,

WHEN I NOTICED SOMETHING INCREDIBLE

YOU REALLY HAVE TO SEE.

- WOW. WHAT IS IT? - MOLDING.

- MOLDING? - LANCET MOLDING.

IT HAS AN AMAZING TEXTURE TO IT.

I CAN HAVE IT IN YOUR OFFICE NEXT WEEK IF YOU WANT.

COULD REALLY ENHANCE THE VALUE.

YOU SEE THAT? - UH-HUH.

- LOOK AT THAT CRAFTSMANSHIP.

- WOW. THAT'S REALLY SOMETHING.

- THAT'S W.P.A. FOR YOU.

- MY NAME IS JOHN, AND I'M AN ALCOHOLIC.

group: HI, JOHN.

- HELLO.

THIS IS ONLY MY SECOND NIGHT HERE, BUT...

I PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE WALKED IN TEN YEARS AGO...

BEFORE I EVER MARRIED MY BEAUTIFUL WIFE,

BEFORE OUR AMAZING SON WAS BORN,

BACK WHEN I STILL HAD A FEW EXCUSES LEFT.

I DIDN'T COME HERE TO ASK YOU FOR MY OLD JOB BACK.

- NO?

- NO, BUT AS LONG AS I'M HERE,

MAY I PLEASE HAVE MY OLD JOB BACK?

- I CAN THINK OF AT LEAST, OH, 50 REASONS

FOR TURNING YOU DOWN FLAT RIGHT NOW.

- BUT ONLY 20 REALLY GOOD ONES, THOUGH.

I'M A GREAT COPYWRITER, JILL.

- YOU'RE THE BEST, JOHN,

WHEN YOU'RE NOT DRINKING.

- YOU MAY BE IN LUCK.

- WHAT ELSE IS IN THERE BESIDES EGGNOG?

OH, TAKE IT.

- THANKS.

- HEY, BRO,

YOU KNOW WHY PHONES HAVE RINGERS?

SO WE DON'T HAVE TO LOOK AT THEM.

- YEAH, WHO'S SUPPOSED TO CALL?

- JOHN.

HE'S GONNA LET ME KNOW IF HE CONNECTS WITH CAROL.

OH.

- * BUT DO YOU RECALL

* THE MOST FAMOUS - WANT SOME HOT COCOA?

- * REINDEER OF ALL

[cell phone rings]

[sighs]

[ringing continues]

HELLO?

- OH, UH... HEY.

I'M SURPRISED YOU ANSWERED.

- ME TOO.

- I'M GLAD YOU DID, THOUGH.

- ME TOO.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY NOW.

- ME TOO.

- WHAT IF SHE WON'T TAKE HIM BACK?

- THE BEST YOU CAN DO

IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO.

- I LIKE THAT.

- BOB COSTAS. - OH.

- I WANT TO COME HOME, CAROL.

I'M--I'M READY TO COME HOME.

I MEAN, IF YOU'LL LET ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO SAY YES IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,

BUT JUST DON'T SAY NO, PLEASE.

- IT CAN'T BE TONIGHT, JOHN,

OR MAYBE EVER.

I NEED TIME TO THINK ABOUT THIS.

- I KNOW. I KNOW.

HEY, I BOUGHT BILLY A CHRISTMAS PRESENT.

CAN I GIVE IT TO YOU?

CAN WE MEET SOMEWHERE?

- WHERE?

- I'M BACK AT STANWYCK AND ROLLINS.

WE COULD MEET AT THE OFFICE.

- I'LL HAVE TO DROP BILLY OFF WITH MRS. NICHOLS.

IS 9:00 TOO LATE?

- NO, 9:00.

I'LL SEE YOU THEN.

CRAP.

- UH, LET'S SEE.

I HAVE A HOTEL ON EACH PROPERTY. YOU OWE ME 1,200.

- OH, CAN YOU LET ME SLIDE?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- [giggles]

[phone rings]

- IT'S FROM JOHN.

- WHAT DOES IT SAY? - YEAH, READ THAT.

- THEY'RE MEETING AT HIS OFFICE.

HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THERE BY 9:00,

BUT HE GOT A FLAT TIRE.

- WELL, ARE THEY GETTING BACK TOGETHER?

- HE DOESN'T KNOW.

- WELL, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO DOWN THERE.

SCOPE THINGS OUT A LITTLE.

- RIGHT.

- OH, MY.

YOU DON'T WANT THEM BACK TOGETHER, DO YOU?

- WHAT'S THE COMPLICATION?

- WHAT?

IT'S MINOR, REALLY.

HARDLY WORTH MENTIONING.

I THINK...

I'M IN LOVE WITH HER.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- [whistling]

OH.

OKAY. LET IT WORK.

PLEASE, LET IT WORK.

PLEASE, LET IT--

[laughs] YES.

[sighs]

- RO. - GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!

GET OUT! - HEY, HEY, HEY. WHOA. WHOA.

WHAT GOT YOU? WHAT GOT YOU? THE PUPPY?

- THIMBLE.

- OKAY. - GET OUT!

- I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON JOHN AND CAROL.

[alarm beeping]

[beeping stops]

- ALL RIGHT.

HERE WE GO.

[muttering indistinctly]

OOH, GIRL, NO, YOU DIDN'T

CHANGE THESE LOCKS ON ME--

OKAY. OH, OKAY.

OH, YOU-- YOU WANT TO PLAY WITH ME?

YOU WANT TO PLAY HARDBALL?

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO PLAY SOME HARDBALL.

IT'S TIME FOR SOME PLAN B.

OH, YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS?

WE GONNA RUN WITH THE BIG DOGS.

YOU WANT TO RUN WITH THE MAJORS?

WELL, WELCOME TO THE 1927 YANKEES!

THIS IS HOW WE DO IT

WHERE REPPERTON IS FROM.

SOMETIMES YOU POKE THE BEAR, AND YOU GET A CLAW--

YOU GET A CLAW IN YOUR FACE.

YOU GET MAULED, SEE? YOU GET A MAULING.

SEE, Y'ALL SAY Y'ALL WANTED TO GET MAULED.

[chuckling]

- JOHN?

JOHN?

- [grunting]

- JOHN!

JOHN?

[coughing]

JOHN? [coughing]

[gasping]

[explosion]

- CAROL?

CAROL!

- [coughing]

- [coughing]

CAROL?

- [coughing]

- [grunts]

[flames roaring]

- OH, MY GOD.

[glass shatters]

[coughs]

CAROL?

[coughs]

COME ON!

[grunts]

NO, NO.

PLEASE! HELP ME DO THIS!

[grunting]

- [coughing]

JOHN, HONEY.

NICK.

- THAT'S ME.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- YOU DON'T REMEMBER?

- I SAW JOHN COMING TO SAVE ME, AND...

- THAT'S WHAT HE DID, ALL RIGHT.

YEAH.

YEAH, I WAS DRIVING BY, AND I SAW THE SMOKE.

BY THE TIME I CAME RUNNING UP,

HE HAD ALREADY PULLED YOU CLEAR.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

THEN HE--HE TRIPPED AND HIT HIS HEAD.

KNOCKED HIMSELF COLD.

- OH, MY GOD.

- I DOUBT HE'LL REMEMBER A THING.

IT'S TIME FOR ME TO GO, CAROL.

- GO?

- YEAH.

THE HOUSE IS FINISHED NOW,

AND IT'S A GOOD HOME, CAROL.

MAYBE THE BEST HOME IN THE WORLD.

[sirens wailing]

I WANT YOU BOTH TO TAKE CARE OF IT, OKAY?

HEY. YOU PROMISE ME?

YOU PROMISE?

[sirens wailing]

[engine turns over, car starts]

- [coughing]

- [humming]

- HEY, RUNNING MAN, MIND IF WE CHECK THE TRUNK?

- * WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

- YOU KNOW WHERE THAT GOES?

WHERE'S IT GO?

YEAH, I MEAN-- OKAY, PERFECT.

- NICE. - NOW WHERE'S THIS GO?

HUH?

MAKE SURE WE HAVE A GOOD BASE.

DON'T PUSH HIM. I DON'T WANT HIM TO FALL OVER.

- AH.

- DON'T EAT THE EYES.

- WELL, IT'S OFFICIAL:

MY BROTHER IS GOING TO HEAVEN.

- HMM. I COULD HAVE TOLD YOU THAT.

- I KNOW YOU REJECT THE IDEA, NICKY, BUT DOESN'T MATTER.

YOU'RE STILL ENDING UP THERE.

- RIGHT NOW I NEED TO GO THANK SOMEBODY.

CARE TO DROP ME? - WHERE TO?

- LET'S GO TO CHURCH.

- HEY. - [chuckles]

- YEAH! - OH, NO!

I HATE THIS GAME, BUT DO IT ANYWAY!

NO! NOT THE PANTS!

- YOU SURE THIS IS THE RIGHT CHURCH?

- NICK, THIS CHURCH HAS BEEN CLOSED SINCE THE '70s.

- YEAH, COME HERE. WARM UP.

I DON'T KNOW.

- NO. NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- COLD.

HEY. NICK?

- [sighs]

- NICK, YOU OKAY?

- HUH?

YEAH.

- WELL, IS ANYBODY IN THERE?

- YEAH.

I THINK THERE IS.

- * WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

- SHOTGUN. - OH, HEY.

REALLY? WE'RE PLAYING THAT GAME?

- * WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

* GOOD TIDINGS WE BRING TO YOU AND YOUR KIN *

* GOOD TIDINGS FOR CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

* WE WISH YOU A MERRY CHRISTMAS *

* AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR

[wily upbeat music]

*

*