Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

¶ Our life

Official YIFY movies site: YTS.MX

¶ Together

¶ Is so precious

¶ Together

¶ We have grown

¶ We have grown

¶ Although our love

¶ Is still special

¶ Let's take a chance and fly away

¶ Somewhere

¶ Alone

¶ It's been too long since we took the time

¶ No one's to blame, my, the time flies so quickly

¶ But when I see you, darling

¶ It's like we both are falling

¶ In love again

¶ It'll be just like starting over

¶ Over

¶ Starting over

¶ Over

¶ Every day we used to make love

¶ Why can't we be making love nice and easy?

¶ It's time to spread our wings and fly

¶ Don't let another day go by, my love

¶ It'll be just like starting over

¶ Over and over and over

¶ Why don't we take us alone?

¶ La de da

¶ La de da

¶ Take a trip somewhere far, far away

¶ We'll be together all alone again ¶

Alan, Alan.

Hey, what's up, Dad? Uh, you're boarding in a few minutes.

I'm gonna go find your mother. Dad, relax.

She just doesn't want us to see her crying.

So she went to the bathroom to cry in front of strangers.

How about you, Dad?

You sad to see me finally leave home?

Look, Alan, you're going aboard for the first time.

You're gonna be in a foreign country.

You might even, you know, go to Amsterdam.

And, you know, just... Just...

European women are different.

How do you know?

James Bond films, mostly, but, that doesn't...

Guys, look at mommy!

Oh, that was so cute.

Hi, honey. Hi.

Dad here was starting to get worried about you.

Oh, daddy should worry about himself.

He can't admit how much he's gonna miss you.

See, that's the difference between us.

I get it out and I let it go,

and he gets a headache.

Well, maybe I wouldn't get a headache

if you didn't get it out and let it go.

You get a headache because you don't express your feelings,

and that's why you grind your teeth.

Guys... Well, maybe I...

Can we not have this moment?

Oh, okay, sorry.

Could you take that, sweetie?

Look, I've got something for you.

It is an international beeper.

And all you have to do is press that little button,

and anywhere you are on the planet,

it will ring on my corresponding unit.

And then what? And then I'll call you.

And if you don't answer, she'll fly over.

MAN ON PA: Charter flight 178 to London

is now boarding at Gate 50-b.

All Ohio State students

should have their boarding cards ready.

So, I guess this is it.

Give your mother a big hug. She's very fragile today.

I think daddy's a wreck, okay,

so make sure you call him, okay?

Okay...

You guys take care of each other.

I was really proud of you back there.

I thought you were gonna lose it.

Yeah, so was I. I guess I'm stronger than I think.

And, look at it this way,

we have more time to ourselves now.

Just us. Just you and me,

alone in the house.

It's okay, it's okay.

I'm sorry.

You know, you should be excited about this interview.

If it goes well, we're moving to New York.

We'll have more money, and we'll have that "New York" money.

I don't want any more money, Henry.

You've been at Sellinski for 23 years.

You have a good job,

and we've lived in Ohio all our lives.

Besides, I thought you hated New York.

I only hated New York when it was hip to hate New York.

Now it's not hip to hate it anymore,

so I don't hate it. I'm in advertising.

I'm weak, and I follow the crowd.

Well, I guess we could see Susan more.

Maybe you can. She won't speak to me.

Well, yeah, I mean, you know,

when she calls up and says she's having second thoughts about med school

and you blow up at her, I mean, it's like...

I didn't blow up at her. Yes, you did, Henry.

I did not. I merely told her

that I was going to sue her.

Oh, you can't sue your own daughter for lost tuition.

You can now. You can.

No, there's that precedent.

It's Mr. Brown vs. Muffy the daughter. Oh, my God!

Yeah, hang on. Hang on one second.

Yeah, Tony, yeah, thanks.

Thanks for setting up that meeting.

I'm going, 10:00.

Tony, I can't tell Nancy I was fired.

I know.

I know, it's very caveman of me,

but that's what I've decided...

Yeah, well, you're not Nancy.

Okay, but listen, I appreciate it.

Okay, thanks, bye.

There's too much food.

No, there's not.

I could never get enough to eat when Alan was here.

Now, pass me those potatoes, baby.

This is fantastic. We never get a chance to talk.

When the kids were here, we only talked about them.

Now we get to talk about us.

I mean, this is a gab-fest.

Yak-yak-yak-yak-yak.

So...

Uh...

What's going on with you?

I have absolutely no idea what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

I can't even decide whether I should go to New York with you

for that interview. I'd just be tagging along

out of pure panic and insecurity.

You know, but it's ironic that the minute we have

time together that we, like, immediately separate.

Although, if we force ourselves to be together

instead of letting it happen naturally,

what are we proving?

Well,

I don't know what to tell you, baby.

I gotta pack.

Good morning, sir.

How are you? I'm fine, thank you.

(CAR DOORS SHUTTING)

(ENGINE STARTING)

FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Welcome aboard Tri-State Air Flight 42

to New York.

If you'd make sure your seat belts are securely fastened,

we'll be able to pull away...

Uhh! Ohh!

(CRASH)

Ohh!

Surprise!

Henry?

Henry?

Henry!

What? Are you excited I came?

What? Are you excited I came?

I'm very excited.

'Cause you don't sound excited, Henry.

I'm holding it in.

He's excited. We're all excited, okay?

Oh, Henry, you forgot your foot chums.

What? Your foot chums.

Aah!

Here, could you pass these down, please,

over there to that man?

No, that's...

Oh, and he always forgets this.

For the whole trip, he'll be complaining about his rash.

Could you pass that down? For the next two days,

it's gonna be scratch, scratch, scratch,

flake, flake, flake.

(GASPS)

MAN: Let them sit together.

Thanks.

Here we go.

Oh, uh, sorry. We're not gonna be eating. Okay.

Don't you think we should have a little something, Henry?

Baby, we're gonna be eating in one of the great hotels in the world.

You don't want to ruin that

with a moldy leftover ham and cheese sandwich.

He's sorry.

That's okay.

Besides, I'm too nervous to eat.

Why are you nervous? It's only an interview.

It's not like you don't have a job.

Well, this is different.

It's senior creative director.

It's the big time.

It'll be all right, honey.

Great city, isn't it?

All I see is fog.

PILOT: Well, folks, bad news this afternoon.

New York is completely fogged in.

We've been diverted to Logan Airport in Boston.

Boston? Boston?

We're here. I'll see if there's any flights

going anywhere near New York.

All right, and I'll get the bags.

I'll meet you at the carousel.

Okay.

Henry?

Yes, I'm still excited you came.

Bags.

Ooh!

The buses are filled until 3:00 in the morning.

The next train to New York from South Station

is in 20 minutes.

(WHISTLING)

There's a train in 20 minutes,

gets us into New York... Where are the bags?

They didn't come out.

What do you mean they didn't come out?

I can't say it any simpler than that, Henry.

They didn't come out.

What do you mean they didn't come out?

Calm down, Henry. How can I calm down?

I've got to be in New York tomorrow morning

for the most important interview of my...

Just give me the claim... The check... Give me...

Henry! Excuse me! Excuse me!

Are there any more bags up there?

We were supposed to land... Are you crazy?

Listen, I'm Henry Clark from Flight 42.

It's 3-6-4...

You're gonna get hurt!

...6-T-dash-7... Ohh!

That's not our bag!

Can you describe the bags?

Yes, I have a brown suitcase, a brown garment bag,

and three blue sportsacs.

Mr. Clark, many bags look alike.

It most cases, specific descriptions

lead to apprehending the suspect.

My bags didn't murder anyone. They just got lost.

Henry, look at this.

All right, um,

my suitcase looks something like that.

Would that be the 24- or the 26-inch model?

Gee, honey, in my rush to leave the house,

I forgot to measure my bags.

Oh, it looks a little like this.

It's kinda rough, but it'll give you an idea.

Wow! Are you an artist?

Well, I used to be in advertising with my husband.

This is a fantastic drawing.

Thank you.

Unfortunately, we don't have that bag.

Where will you be staying in the Boston area?

In the Boston area, we will be staying in New York.

Oh, Henry, calm down. There's plenty of cabs.

It's not worth getting a heart attack over.

I should have eaten.

You know how dizzy I get when I don't eat. I'm reeling.

I know. Well, there's plenty of food on the train.

You just have to go with the flow.

All right, you're right, you're right.

I'm calming down. I am going to calm down.

Good.

Thank you, thank you.

What's that taste? What taste?

Did you have peanut butter?

I don't know what you're talking about.

Where did you get peanut butter? I didn't.

You usually don't taste like peanut butter.

That's it. I'm throwing away that lipstick.

You had peanut butter. I did not.

Yes, you did. Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

All right, I confess, okay?

I went to the vending machine

while I was waiting for the bags. Aha!

I had 75 cents.

I put it into the vending machine,

it didn't make change, and so I ate them all!

How many were there? Two.

Two? Well, I'm dizzy.

Oh, Henry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

It doesn't mean I don't love you.

I, uh, hate to interrupt, but are we going anywhere?

Oh, my God! I thought we were already moving.

South Station. We have 10 minutes to catch a train.

Oh, my God!

HENRY: Come on, come on, we can make it!

All right, all right.

Aah! Ohh!

Did we miss it?

Uh, the 3:38 to New York?

Yeah. We missed it.

This can't be happening.

Oh, Henry, if you're a little late,

they won't mind. They'll understand.

They do not give a position of responsibility

to a man who cannot get from Ohio to New York

in 24 hours.

But in the world of advertising,

I really don't think that makes any difference.

If you want to be a messenger, maybe.

Do I have time to go to the bathroom?

All the time in the world.

Okay. And don't worry, honey,

we'll get the next train to New York.

No, we'll rent a car.

They... They don't leave without you,

and they don't get diverted to Boston.

Okay. Okay, sweetie, whatever.

I'll meet you... Five minutes.

Excuse me.

MAN ON PA: Your attention, please.

The 3:38 metroliner to New York

is now leaving on track 12.

This is your final boarding call.

All aboard!

Nancy?

Nancy?

Excuse me? Excuse me?

Excuse me? Excuse me? Ohh!

Excuse me, can you tell me where the ladies' room is?

You mean the men's room.

No, I don't need the men's room, I need the ladies' room.

Over there. Ohh!

Nancy? Nancy, we can still make the train.

We can still... Uhh.

Excuse me, can you go in there and get my wife, please?

It's an emergency. She's wearing a brown coat,

she has a blue dress, uh, blonde hair,

and... Just thanks, thanks.

Henry, I got lost.

Nancy, we can still make the train.

Come on, come on, come on. Henry, I have to go...

No, no, we don't have time. It leaves in two minutes.

The train's still here?

She didn't want to come out!

This way, this way, this way! Come on, come on!

Okay.

I'll run on ahead.

Run ahead of me. I can't in these heels.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS) Oh, my God!

Hold it!

Hold it! Okay.

Oh, it's here.

All right. Okay.

Oh, on a full bladder, I made it.

Oh, I forgive you the peanut butter.

Okay. Come on, I'm exhausted.

Let's see if we can get a seat.

Ohh. Ohh.

Oh.

Excuse me,

is this the 3:38 to New York?

No, that is.

(TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS)

Oh.

Hertz, nothing, Avis, nothing, budget, nothing.

We've gotta find a car.

I know. We have to be nice, Henry.

We have to be nice. Gotta be nice.

Yeah. The guy at Avis didn't like you very much.

We were both in a bad mood. Be nice.

Hi, can I help you folks?

Well, yes, but first, how are you?

Fine. Great. Well, we'd like to rent a car.

Great. Compact, midsize, or luxury?

Ah, compacted.

Okay.

Oh, actually, we're all out of compacts.

Oh, midsize would be fine.

Okay.

Oops, actually,

we don't have any midsized vehicles either.

All we have is one luxury sedan.

Huh.

Well, I'm not sure why you asked, then,

what car we... We'll take a luxury sedan.

Okay. Sounds good.

You know, honey, they should really change this sign

to "we have car."

If I could have your credit card?

Absolutely.

I think you'll enjoy the car, sir.

It's totally state-of-the-art. Practically drives itself.

Would you like the collision insurance?

Well, if the car drives itself and we have an accident,

then it would be the car's fault, right?

¶ People all over the world

¶ World ¶ Join hands

¶ Oh, yes

¶ Start a love train ¶ Start a love train

¶ Love train ¶ Get onboard

¶ People all over the world

¶ Come on ¶ Join hands

¶ Let's ride this train

¶ Start a love train ¶ Oh, yeah

¶ Love train

¶ Mmm-mmm ¶ Love

¶ Oh, yeah

¶ Let it ride ¶

Boy, it's hot in here.

Ohh! It tells you everything about a heater

except how to shut it off. Oh, perfect.

Oh, Henry, what are we gonna do?

I'm melting out of my dress.

I don't understand. It's got an engage switch but no disengage.

It's a thousand degrees in here.

It's like a setting for a pot roast.

Honey, it's freezing! Put that up!

It feels so good.

Oh, jeez!

(HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC CHANGES)

¶ Isn't it romantic? ¶

Ohh! Mmm!

(SIGHS)

Henry, are we in a rut?

No way. I might be in a rut, but we're not in a rut.

Why are you in a rut?

Well, same thing every day,

knowing exactly what to expect.

That's a rut.

Well, I'm in more of a rut than you are,

'cause every since Alan's been gone,

every morning I wake up

and I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It's been one morning.

Well, I didn't say a long rut,

but it's a start.

So we're both in a rut.

Separately.

I might be in a rut and you might be in a rut,

but we are not in a rut,

because if we were in a rut, that would be...

That would be a real rut, Henry.

¶ Old black magic has me in its spell ¶

HENRY: Okay, there's a fork coming up.

Which way do I go?

Okay, um, do you see

a sign that says, "Cross Bronx Expressway"?

Yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.

Good.

Okay, go past that... What do you mean go past it?

Then you'll hit a sign that'll say "Triborough Bridge."

It'll take you right into Manhattan.

I already made the turn.

What do you mean you turned? I made the turn.

I didn't tell you to turn. You implied it.

I did not imply it. You did, too.

No, how can you imply a turn?

I wouldn't even know how to imply a turn.

Let me tell you, you know how to imply a turn.

Is that a map in front of you or what?

Oh, well, gee, I don't know, Henry.

I'm not a cartographer, but it looks like a map.

It's got a lot of squiggly little lines all over it.

You want to see?

Hey! That's not funny.

¶ Oh, you're the lover I have waited for

¶ You're the mate that fate had me created for ¶

Okay, just stay to the right, right up here.

Are you sure, Henry? Why don't we use that navigation system?

Honey, I'm in charge of the map now.

You just go straight across the Triborough Bridge, onto the FDR,

and we're right into the heart of Manhattan.

All right.

Is that New York City back there?

What are you talking about?

Oh, no, this is the George Washington Bridge.

This map... What do you mean, the map?

You think everything I do is from reading the map?

COMPUTER VOICE: Proceed down Grand Street.

"Proceed down Grand Street."

Oh, don't feel bad.

He's obviously been here before. He knows the city.

Well, I wouldn't have been confused at all

if we'd come into the city the right way.

Well, he is not confused.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Huh? It's French. What's that?

Here, just press this over here.

No, no, no, no, don't press it.

Why, Henry? I don't know droit.

(SPEAKING JAPANESE)

Oh, no! What did he say? What did he say?

It's Chinese or something. Find Spanish. Just find Spanish.

No, what's he saying? Find Spanish.

I can't find Spanish. I don't know how to work this thing.

(SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

I'll press... I'll press that.

Henry, do something!

Nancy, Nancy! Aah!

Turn! Turn! Turn!

Nancy, it's fish!

Oh, my God! God!

Aah!

Put on the brake! The brake!

Aah! Aah!

(COMPUTER SPEAKING FRENCH)

How's your nose, honey?

It's tender to the touch, just like me.

What's the bill? Oh, it's $2,200.

I could have bought a car for that.

Oh, I know.

Oh, look at New York.

Where?

Honey, I want to get to the hotel.

How do we get there? That's very simple.

The streets of New York

are laid out on a rigid grid.

Yeah, like somebody else I know.

You want to get there or not?

Yes, I do. All right, so we follow the rigid grid

to Park Avenue and 64th Street.

But now, all right, now wait, right now we're at...

No, don't look around at the signs.

That's how people know you're from out of town.

You don't want that.

By the way, there's a walk New Yorkers have.

They never stroll.

They always look like they have someplace,

you know, really important to go to.

Okay. It's gotta be like, uh...

It's, uh...

(LAUGHING) Henry.

You know, go ahead and make fun, you know,

but you walk like a tourist, and that's how you get in trouble.

Excuse me. I'm terribly sorry to disturb you.

I can't tell you how embarrassing this is.

I just left all my money and credit cards in a cab.

I'm late to a rehearsal. I've got a play on Broadway at the moment.

If I could borrow $5.00 for a taxi,

you can come with me to the theater.

I will pay you back there. You expect us to believe this?

No. No, I suppose not. I'm sorry to have bothered you.

What play? Nancy, there's no play.

Actually, it's a revival

of Jesus Christ Superstar at the Broadhurst Theater.

Do come if you get the chance.

Wait a minute. Jesus Christ Superstar?

Oh, my God. Are you Andrew Lloyd Webber?

Yes... Thank you. I...

Oh, honey, it's Andrew Lloyd Webber!

We go into previews next week, and as I said...

We love Jesus Christ Superstar.

We saw Phantom of the Opera. And Evita.

And Evita. That was so great.

And Cats... Ohhh...

Oh, honey, that was just...

It hit so home for us.

We lost a cat that year.

It didn't sing like your cats.

I'm Henry Clark, and this is my wife Nancy.

A pleasure to meet you both.

We'd be honored to lend you anything.

No. Please. You mustn't take out an open wallet in the city,

no matter how much the crime rate's dropped.

Yeah, well, I... I entered Yokelville.

Come on... Come over here. Come on.

I am so embarrassed about this.

No, don't be embarrassed. When we tell the people in Ohio

that we lent Andrew Lloyd Webber five...

Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber...

Sir. Sir... No, it's Lord.

I think he's a Lord. Sir Lord.

Sir Lord. You know Paul McCartney?

All right, shut up.

What's he like? Is he, like, fun...

Shut up. Shut up! What? Jesus!

Give me... Give it to me!

Give me the bag.

Give me the bag. Give me...

Give him the bag! Hey... Oh, my God!

Ohh! Why are you doing this?

Every show you do is a hit!

HENRY: Hey! Henry!

Henry, Andrew Lloyd Webber just stole my pocketbook!

He's not Andrew Lloyd Webber. He's just a common criminal.

Oh, Henry. I have jelly legs, honey!

Come on. Let's get outta here.

What are we gonna do, Henry?

Here. Here. Okay. Okay, watch.

What are you doing, Henry?

Credit card. I put it in my sock

when we were on the plane.

Oh! You're a genius!

Thank you, thank you. My God! You're a genius!

Put it away! We might run into Stephen Sondheim.

Hello. Hello.

Ohhh...

Oh, thank God. Look!

Look at this place.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh, it's good to be inside.

Michelle, is that a new haircut?

Yes, it is.

I think you'd better stay in the back for a while.

(DING)

Good evening. Welcome to the Grand Mark Hotel.

How may I be of service to you?

We have a reservation. Clark.

My name is Mersault, the manager of the hotel.

Yes, here we are. Mr. and Mrs. Clark.

If there's anything at all I can do

to make your stay more pleasant,

please don't hesitate to let me know.

That would be room service.

We haven't eaten since this morning.

Oh, we're starving.

Send a complimentary basket of fruit and cheese up,

along with a fine merlot?

Oh, yummy.

If I could just have an imprint of your credit card?

And then we'll have you up to your...

To... Uh, to your room... In a jiffy.

You wouldn't believe what we've been through.

First our flight was rerouted.

Then they sent us to Boston.

And then when we finally got here,

we were mugged by Andrew Lloyd Webber.

How extraordinary.

Well, I'll certainly mention it next time he stays with us.

Perhaps he's under some strain at the moment.

Ah. We have a message for you.

"We have located your luggage.

"Thanks again to Mrs. Clark for the lovely sketch.

"We will deliver to the hotel later this evening."

Oh, they're so sweet, honey.

Oh, God.

At last, some good news.

Um, I'm afraid we seem to have

a little problem with your credit card.

What kind of problem?

A financial one. Would you care to speak to them?

Yes? This is...

This is Henry Clark.

I've never had a problem with my credit card.

Have I ever had a problem with my credit card?

I don't know who you had a problem with, Henry.

No, I never purchased anything at Uncle's Stereo in Manhattan.

$800 at Sofas You Love?

Susan Clark. Yes, she's my daughter.

She's how much overdue?

I understand. Thank you.

Nancy. Nancy. You won't believe this.

Susan has stolen one of our credit cards.

What are you doing, Henry?

I'm going to call her so I can scream at someone.

The battery's dead.

May I borrow your phone?

Uh, there's a pay phone on Lexington and 64th.

Henry. Henry, I'm gonna tell you something,

but I want you to promise not to lose it.

See, she couldn't stay in the med school dorms

because that was just for enrolled students,

she was looking for an apartment

once she decided that she was gonna drop out

and become an actress, that's why I gave her the credit card.

Don't be mad at her, Henry. Be mad at me.

How about if I'm mad at both of you?

I was just trying to protect you.

Don't try and protect me.

Susan has dropped out of med school,

and you didn't tell me?

No, because when I tell you...

Sorry to interrupt,

but as the credit card company won't honor the charges,

I'm afraid I'm unable to offer you a room,

but do please come back when you have some money.

Oh... Please?

Can't you just trust us?

(CHOKING ON HIS LAUGHTER)

(ALL LAUGH)

Are you throwing us out?

Good heavens, no. No, no. Security will do that.

Oh, I don't believe this.

What do we do now?

We're going to Susan's. No. Thank you.

Henry, it's her life. It took a lot of courage to drop out.

It's easy to be courageous with daddy's credit card.

Well, it's her passion. Don't you understand passion?

Hey, I'm filled with passion.

When I was her age, I wanted to be a writer,

my father practically went berserk.

Well, isn't this the same situation?

No, because I went to him, and I discussed it with him.

Well, then we're going to Susan's,

and we're gonna discuss it with her.

Call me crazy, but somehow I'm not in the mood

to see her new furniture right now.

Eventually you're gonna have to work this out with her, Henry.

I'm supposed to work it out with her?

After she throws away $50,000 in tuition money

without even consulting me?

Maybe that's the way they do it in bizarro world,

but not in Ohio.

This is not Ohio, Henry. It's New York.

And we're hungry and homeless,

which is exactly what my parents said I'd be

if I married you. I'm going!

What am I supposed to do?

All right. I'll follow you till you get there,

but then I'm leaving!

I don't know why you're being so judgmental, Henry.

I mean, she might be a wonderful actress.

And you'd actually be very proud of her now because she's writing.

I'm glad you told me that.

I was worried there for a minute,

but if she's going to act and write...

Let's see. One...

Oh, here it is. 148.

Here it is. Clark-Guerrero.

Who's Guerrero? I don't know.

You don't know, or you're not telling me?

Because we've established there's a difference.

(BUZZ) Where is she?

Probably stuck in her new sofa.

(WHISPERING) Henry, come on. Let's go.

I'm just gonna stay outside here and be difficult.

Go for it. Come on, come on.

(GIGGLING)

(YAWNS AUDIBLY)

(LOUD KNOCKING)

Susan?

(SIGHS)

I'll write her a little note.

Don't you touch our paper.

I was just taking a little sliver off the paper.

I was gonna write a note to my daughter. She lives in 2-B.

We don't know the girl in 2-B.

Oh, she just moved in. I'm her mother.

Ask her if she has I.D. Do you have I.D.?

No, I don't have I.D. Do you have a key?

I don't have a key.

Ask how she got in here. How'd you get in?

Ask her to stop asking me questions.

I don't have to answer. I'm getting out.

Don't let her go.

Hold the lunatics' convention somewhere else,

please? I'm working here.

She was stealing our paper!

I came to see my daughter in 2-B. What's the matter with you?

Susan? Sweet girl.

You know Susan...

Professionally?

I hope not, because this is a sick woman.

(MAN SCREAMS)

Hey! You break that rack, you buy it!

It was really nice getting to know all of you.

You're not going anywhere till the cops get here.

Don't make me set corky on you.

Look, I'm really tired of this repartee.

And if you think that I'm afraid of your dog,

well, ha, ha! Hoo, hoo!

Aah! Aah!

(DOG BARKING)

(SPEAKING MANDARIN) You make an excellent point.

She wasn't home!

No, no. I...

Nancy?

Nancy?

(DOG BARKING) Oh, my God!

Nancy!

I am bustin' my butt...

Hey!

Nancy!

Ohh! Throw it!

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Aah! Ohh! Aah!

Oh, good hands, babe.

All right, honey!

Okay!

All they care about is food...

(BOTH SCREAMING)

Ohh! Ohh! This way! This way!

In there!

(BARKING)

Ohh! Ohh!

Oh, honey!

Incoming.

Croissants.

Bear claws. Sticky buns.

Let's go.

Oh, oh, oh. Um, there's no eating before the meeting.

Meeting?

Nice to see some new faces.

Sorry I'm late. It's a great group.

Sit right down. Let's begin.

First of all, I'd like to welcome our new members.

If you could introduce yourselves...

Uh, my name is Nancy,

and this is my husband Henry.

ALL: Hi, Nancy and Henry.

Welcome. Hello.

Welcome. Last week, we were discussing Edward's problem.

Edward?

It's okay.

I'd like to start off by letting everyone know

how much your support has meant to me.

As you know, I've been masturbating

up to 17 times a day.

Nancy, we have to go.

Henry, Nancy,

you're giving Edward a very negative message.

Yeah? Sit down, please.

We don't want to send a negative message.

Not too close.

So, Edward, how was last week for you?

It's been really wonderful, thank you. Uh...

I've been concentrating on translating

the sexual impulse into other forms of expression.

Uh, working out regularly, going to movies,

calling friends.

Trying to integrate the urge

into a more well-rounded lifestyle.

(BURSTS OUT LAUGHING)

That's about all.

Sheena, what about you? Were you able to cut down

on your number of random sexual encounters during the week?

Well, I've had the flu, so just my doctor.

Ah. Single digits. That's great. Okay,

let's hear from the new people. What about you folks?

Actually, we just got in here by mistake.

We really came in to worship,

and this is the wrong denomination.

My husband is right. I mean,

actually, we don't really even have sex that much.

Nancy! Hmm?

Oh, so your problem is lack of sex.

Tell us more.

You know something? We're from Ohio,

and we really don't discuss sex in public.

It's sort of our state motto.

Well, actually, um... That's part of the problem,

is that we don't discuss it.

Nancy, we're from Ohio.

But we don't even really do it very much anymore.

And when you do, it's probably programmed

and lacking in spontaneity.

Exactly. It's like, um...

It's like we're two dead people.

Nancy! Ohio!

So it's not so much

the declining frequency

as the fact that you've both come to accept

this lack of physical and emotional intimacy.

This is boring. If this keeps up,

I'm gonna sleep with somebody right now.

Have you tried tying each other up with bamboo?

No. Actually, we use the club.

Oh. The time. Well, okay.

Henry, discussing it

is the first step toward solving the problem.

You know what? I don't have a problem.

I mean, I enjoy sex as much as the next guy. Euhh.

Henry, let's face it.

We haven't done it in over two months.

(GROUP EXCLAIMING)

(SOMEONE WHISTLES)

Henry, clearly, you have a problem.

Well, okay. I've been a little tense lately.

What have you been tense about?

What have I been tense about?

Yeah. Let's just say I've been tense.

Well, why have you been tense?

Why have I been tense? Why have I been tense?

I don't know.

Like, I don't have the right to be tense?

Henry, would you like to share with the group

the reason why you feel tense?

Yes. I'd love to share this with the group.

I was fired.

I got fired!

You what? I got fired.

You were fired?

This is the only interview I could get

'cause I'm 106 years old, and...

How could you not tell me?

I was gonna here alone. I was gonna get this job.

You came with me. I had to lie to you to keep it from you,

and it just creates more tension!

I would love to sleep with you, Henry.

I find failure very erotic. Or success. Doesn't matter.

Oh... Shut up, Sheena!

Ohhh... (SOBS)

Uh, I'm... I'm sorry that, uh, that we ruined your meeting,

and I hope that you can all, uh, stop having sex.

You were fired?

I don't believe it!

Not only do I hear it for the first time,

but I hear it in front of a bunch of perverts?

Oh, God! How could you not tell me?

Hey, you lied to me about Susan.

It wasn't really a lie.

It was an incremental accumulation of half truths.

Oh, really. Well, then mine wasn't a lie, either.

It was spin.

Did it ever occur to you that I could've helped you?

We were partners. We worked together.

I know a little bit about advertising.

I... I couldn't tell you. I was ashamed.

The only thing you have to be ashamed of, Henry, is not telling me.

If we can't be honest with each other,

what kind of marriage do we have?

I guess it's the kind where I don't tell you I was fired

and you don't tell me our daughter's been embezzling from us.

It's very common.

So what did Sellinski do,

just let you go after 23 years?

They're letting all the older guys run out their contracts.

Apparently, if you're over 40,

you're not cutting-edge anymore.

Well, that's ridiculous. You were never cutting-edge.

That's what I told them.

All right, we're gonna forget about Sellinski.

We're gonna forget about them,

and this is a whole new start for you.

I'm not getting this job.

Not without a shave and a clean suit

and a good night's sleep. By tomorrow morning,

I'm gonna look like Keith Richards.

Henry, now's not the time to give up.

I'm not giving up.

Giving up is when you can still get the job

and you give up. I don't have that option.

I wish I could give up.

Henry, Henry, you know what this is?

What is it?

It's a test. Here we are in the middle of our lives,

and we have a decision to make.

Are we on a... A slow march toward death,

or are we gonna embrace life?

Slow march toward death?

No! Embrace life!

I want to live! I want to feel useful!

I want to explore and experience!

I... I want to suck the marrow out of life, Henry!

What do you want?

Well, I... I definitely want to do some marrow-sucking.

Uh, but otherwise, I think I...

I just want to catch up on my reading...

And, you know, fix those kitchen cabinets that are broken.

That's it? That all you want to do

is just sit home fixing things and reading

for the rest of your life?

'Cause I don't know how I fit into that plan, Henry.

All you need is a good light and a hammer.

Maybe we have different plans.

Oh, come on, Henry.

Come on, think.

Think, honey. There must be something.

Well... Um...

I'd like to get some food. I'm hungry.

And, you know, uh... We don't have any bags.

We don't have any money, so that's a...

Bags! Oh! Henry!

The bags! Remember? When we went to Freeport?

We can't eat the bags. I know we can't eat the bags.

Remember when we went to Freeport and you told me

to put the travelers' checks inside the bag?

They're in the bag! Let's go back to the hotel and find them.

You left them in the bag? I left them in the bag.

You left... How much?

$600. $600?

It's not earning interest when it's in the bag.

Oh, stop it.

Here he is.

We're back.

Mr. and Mrs. Clark, the sequel.

Did our luggage get here yet?

I'm afraid not, but I'll let you know

the moment it arrives, if you care to write the name

of your hostel there.

Very funny.

But how very nice to see you!

Oh, thank you. You know, it's so nice to...

How was Monte Carlo?

Oh, it would not stop raining.

Damn the French!

The doorman at the curb

did not help Mrs. Wellstone out of the car. Damn the doorman.

He was helping some large, unfortunate woman

with a crated animal.

They should've both been crated.

Good point. I'll have all three of them removed immediately.

Now, that is the kind of service I expect.

And that's the kind of service you shall receive, Mr. Wellstone,

as long as I'm aboveground.

MRS. WELLSTONE: Maybe you two should get a room together.

MERSAULT: I'm here to serve.

You and me both.

Now, is there anything at all that I can get you?

MR. WELLSTONE: Just make sure that it doesn't rain while we're here.

I'll speak to housekeeping.

And, Mrs. Wellstone, I just love those shoes.

Don't break my heart

and tell me they're not real leopard.

Mmm-hmm. (LAUGHS)

Come on, come on.

MR. WELLSTONE: Off we go.

Henry, look!

I don't want to get you too excited,

but I think they have trail mix.

Buffet time, honey.

I'm gonna find a bathroom. Order me a peanut.

Thank you.

Ohhh...

(CRUNCHING LOUDLY)

(CRUNCHING) Mmm.

(CHUCKLING)

Special diet?

Mmm-hmm.

Could I get you something to drink with that?

Oh, no, thank you. I wouldn't want to impose.

Oh, no imposition.

Are you sure I couldn't get you...

Champagne.

Champagne for the lady.

Thank you.

(CRUNCHING LOUDLY)

Can I have some of those cherries, please?

Sure.

No, the whole thing. The whole thing.

Thank you. Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. Oh, thank you.

Hi. I'm... I'm Greg. I'm here from LA.

I'm an agent.

I'm on my way down to the village

to check out this new Irish playwright

for a sitcom that I packaged.

Mmm-hmm. Mmm.

Actually, I've got an extra ticket,

and I do have a limo... If you'd be interested.

Are you staying in the hotel, Greg?

Yes. Suite. 14th floor.

Mmm. Are you alone?

Just me and my expense account.

(CHUCKLES LOUDLY)

You're funny, Greg.

Hey, baby, how's it goin'?

Oh, shut up. What are you, 106?

Let's move to a table.

It won't be so noisy.

Okay. Yeah, sure.

Well.

So, do you come here often?

Only when my husband works late.

You're married. I'm sorry. I never would've...

No. Uh, actually, I think my husband's having an affair.

Oh. Yeah.

Really.

In fact, I wish he'd stay out more often.

You know. Yeah.

(CHUCKLES)

Look, I don't want to seem

like one of those successful guys

that blows in from the west coast

for a few meetings and a good time,

but if you wanted to get together anytime...

Give me the key to your room, Greg.

What?

Oh, come on. Let's not play games, Greg.

You know what we're talking about.

Ha-ha! I was wondering

if I might speak with you for a moment?

No! Creep.

I am trying to have a conversation with this gentleman. Okay?

Please stop harassing me,

or I'm gonna call the manager.

Now, go away. Just go!

Oh!

That's sick.

Yeah, I know. A guy that age trying to pick up

someone like you.

I have to leave. My adult diapers are bunching up.

He just doesn't want to leave.

He's in here every night. He's chatting me up.

It's, like, you know... It's pathetic.

Yes.

So, Greg... Mmm?

Is what I think's gonna happen gonna happen?

Mmm? 'Cause if it is,

you're in for the wildest night of your life.

I'll be back around 10:00, 10:30. Is that good?

I'll be waiting in your room.

I don't know. Um...

You don't know?

No. No, I don't.

Mmm. Too bad, Greg.

(CHUCKLES SEDUCTIVELY)

Because you don't know what you'll be missing.

Hey. Hey, look, look. Wait. Ahem.

My room number's 1402, okay?

And I'll see you there around 10:00, 10:30?

But hang on. I don't even know your name.

What's your name?

(CHUCKLES) Mrs. Robinson.

Mrs. Robinson. That's sexy.

Hey.

Nice to meet you, Mrs. Robinson.

See you later.

We'll have the lobster, the grilled salmon,

and the creme brulee, please.

And could you throw in a couple of steaks?

No dressing on the salad,

and we need this as soon as possible.

Thank you very much. Bye-bye.

You were really something at the bar tonight.

Oh, Henry, we are going to have

the best meal of all time!

I barely recognized you.

You were so animalistic. You were so hedonistic.

You were so naughty. Oh, you're so sweet, honey.

Fries! Henry, we didn't order any fries!

Like you were some cheap, tawdry sex machine.

(RATTLING) (BOTH GASP)

Mrs. Robinson?

Mrs. Robinson. You in there? Hello.

It's your agent. I want to see you.

Uh, I'll be right there...

What's his name?

...Greg!

All right. But I'm timing you

on a very expensive watch.

Honey, you have to hide.

I will not hide!

But this is his room!

I am your husband! GREG: Come on!

All right, all right, where? Here!

Here. Just get... Just scoot under the bed!

It's too small!

Get something to camouflage...

Uhh! Ooh!

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Mrs. Robinson.

Cut it... Can you see me?

Yes, I... Shh!

Pull me out. I'm stuck.

30 seconds!

Unh! Unh! Unh!

Okay. All right.

All right. All right.

Don't you let him... You know, and...

And whatever you... Don't... Don't you...

Honey, I won't! Just shut up!

Hi. Hi.

I was wondering if you'd still be here.

Oh, well, why wouldn't I be?

I don't know. Some women might find

this kind of scenario a little intimidating.

I don't find this scenario intimidating.

I find it kind of, um, dangerous

in an erotic sense.

Oh...

(LAUGHS)

I love the way you put words together.

Well, I've always been good with my mouth.

Oh. Well.

Uh... Oh.

Oh, my lucky day. Ohh!

Ooh! Uh... (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

I didn't expect to see you back so soon.

Uh, I forgot my cell phone. You did?

Yeah. Oh.

Can't be without it.

Right. You must be a very important person.

Maybe later I'll show you my phone list.

Oh, really? Ooh!

Ooh, you like that? I didn't do anything.

Oh. Really? No.

How about a little sample before I go?

All good things happen to those who wait.

Oh, really?

Yeah. And I have a really, really

big surprise for you when you get back.

Yeah? Give me a hint.

Well, you better bring a fire extinguisher.

Oh, Mrs. Robinson!

Ohh! Oh, now, don't start now.

Don't start now. If you do, I'll never stop.

(GIGGLES)

Hey ya. Hi.

"Don't start. I won't be able to stop"?

Well, I had to think of something, Henry!

Excuse me. Who's that for?

1402.

I'm 1402.

You know what think? I think you're enjoying this.

Well, maybe I am.

I knew it!

You know me. When I'm hungry, I'll seduce anyone.

Oh, that's comforting.

Did you order this?

What's he doing here?

Uh... He's my husband.

Uh, Mr. Robinson.

And how dare you try to seduce my wife!

She's twice your age! Henry!

Is this for three? I only have settings for two.

Are you crazy? I'm not paying for this!

I'll have to call the manager.

I'm gonna call the police.

Ohhh! Oh!

(DOOR SLAMS) Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey, hey!

Go! Go! Come on! Get security!

Henry, we're in trouble. What are we gonna do?

Calm down. This can't be the first time

someone seduced a guest to get his keys

so they could order a free meal and have sex in his suite.

Be careful.

Shit! Oh! Henry!

(WINDOW CLOSES)

Henry, come over here.

Ohhh! Ohh!

Henry, look, that door's open down there.

I think we can make it to the balcony.

I think we can make it to the street.

We just have to climb down the side.

Are you insane?

Henry. Henry. Watch.

Nancy! Nancy, Nancy, Nancy!

Nancy, what are you doing?

You're gonna kill yourself!

I'm telling you, they were in that room not two minutes ago.

This woman shows up, begs to be let inside.

I'm not the type of guy that's gonna turn someone away.

Ohh... Ohhh!

Nancy!

Uhh! Aah! Ohh!

Ohh!

Nancy, I'm gonna have you checked for testicles.

If anything is gone from my room, I am suing,

and no one from LA will ever stay in this hotel again!

Come on, Henry!

You can do it, honey!

Yeah, okay.

Oh, baby, oh, baby...

Step by step.

GREG: Look at what they did in here.

Look, I'm telling you the truth!

I think I'd know

if I was trying to seduce someone, okay?

Mr. Allred, would you sign this, please?

GREG: Can I ask you a question?

What is it like to be so stupid?

Come on, sweetie. Don't be scared.

I can do it. I do this all the time.

(CHANTING BUDDHIST CHANT)

Hold on, Henry. I'll be right back.

What? Where... Where you going?

(LOUD MUSIC PLAYING)

¶ Yeah

¶ Bad girl

¶ Bad girl

¶ Talkin' about the sad girl

¶ Sad girl

¶ Yeah

¶ A sad girl

¶ Sad girl

¶ Talking about a bad, bad girl, yeah

(MUSIC PLAYING)

¶ Now, don't you ask yourself

¶ Who they are

¶ Like everybody else

¶ They wanna be a

¶ Star

Whoo!

Oh, my God! Henry, Mersault is dancing

in ladies' clothes to Bad Girls.

I don't think I can get into heaven

if that's the last thing I see before I die.

Okay, hurry up. You gotta see this.

Okay. Here I come. Aah! Aah!

Oh, Nancy! Oh, Nancy! Oh, Nancy!

Henry! Ohh!

Oh, Nancy!

Over here! Swing to me, honey!

I would love to!

Okay. Henry, give me your foot!

I'm trying!

(ELECTRICAL POPPING)

¶ Oh, yeah

¶ Friday night

¶ And the strip is hot

¶ Hot ¶

Ooh! Give me your coat!

I'm trying! Aah!

Give me your coat! I got it!

Henry, come on!

Ohh!

Oh!

Come on, Henry!

Ow! Ohh! Aah! Aah!

Ohh! Ohh!

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, now what the bloody hell is going on here?

MAN: Where's the manager?

Henry.

Can't I have a moment's... (BEEPING)

I'm coming, I'm coming!

Shut up!

(BEEPING)

Ohh! All right, all right.

Don't get your knickers in a twist.

Look.

Can't a girl have some fun?

(SIGHS)

I could've danced all night.

(DOOR CLOSES)

Let's go.

Come on, let's go.

Hey! Hey, you're the manager, right?

Hello! You checked me in!

Let me tell you something.

Norman Bates could do a better job

of running this hotel than you could.

You've got scam artists waltzing into people's rooms,

morons delivering room service, and on top of that,

you can't even keep the lights on!

Huh? Well, I am an unsatisfied customer!

So you better deal with me!

Shut up!

Silly bitch!

GREG: Ohh!

Henry, walk normally.

Walk normally. Don't run. Don't run, honey.

Taxi! Taxi!

Are you crazy? We don't have any money for a cab.

Yes, we do. I took $20 from the Wellstones' room.

Who are you?

There's a taxi.

Hey! Hey! Taxi!

Tax... Wait, honey. Honey, wait.

Come on, come on!

(HORNS HONKING)

Oh, my God, honey!

Here! Now! Now! Now!

Oh, my God! We got it!

Whew!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Are we lucky we found you.

Second Avenue and St. Mark's Place, please.

That's Susan's apartment.

Henry, please, let's not argue about this.

Get out.

What? Excuse me?

Get out of the cab now.

I think we better get out, Henry.

Hey, we're not getting out.

He said to get out, Henry. I think we should...

Listen, I know what the rules are. He has to take us

anywhere in the five boroughs we want to go.

We're also entitled to an incense-free ride.

I'm telling you one last time, get out!

You might think we're insignificant out-of-towners from Ohio,

but I happen to know what our rights are.

In fact, I think I'm just gonna write down

your name and license number.

"Hortense Wilson."

"Hortense"? "Hortense"?

(ALARM RINGS)

What's that?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

I think... Aah!

What the hell is this? They wouldn't get out.

Oh, no. Guess what. We changed our mind.

We'd like to get out over there on the corner.

If you could just pull over, it would be...

Shut up! Yeah.

(WHIMPERS)

If you let us off at the next corner,

my wife and I give you our oath

we will not bear witness.

Nancy, tell them we will not bear witness.

No, we will not bear witness.

We don't know how to bear witness.

We've never... We've never... Shut up!

Hey! I got it! I got it!

They got the gun!

Out, Nancy! Out!

Look out! Jump! Jump! Jump!

Oh!

Oh! Ow! Jeez!

Are you okay? Are you okay, baby?

Let me catch my breath.

Are you okay?

Oh, Henry. Oh, my God.

I'm shaking.

Do you believe what just happened?

I know, honey.

Oh, my God. You're so brave.

Nah, not really. Oh, you are, honey.

You're a hero. You saved our lives.

Well, maybe just a little bit.

Come on. Are you okay? Now come on. Huh?

Henry, I saw my whole life flash before my eyes.

All I could think of was,

I'll never see my children again.

Did you think about me at all?

Oh, there was so little time.

You had time for your whole life

to pass in front of your eyes, and I wasn't in it?

Oh, Henry, please. Don't be so sensitive.

Of course I'm gonna think about the children at a time like this.

They're my kids. They need me.

I'm all they've got.

And who am I, the anonymous sperm donor?

Well, you might as well be.

You asked for that one.

What do you mean by that?

Well, the way you're treating Susan, for one, Henry.

Let me... Let me just say...

You know, we have to learn to think about each other more,

because the kids are gone, and we're all we have.

Well, you make that sound appealing.

Because unless we find some way

of relating to each other and find some common ground...

We what? You know, we...

We are gonna... What?

What, Henry? We're gonna get a divorce?

Is that what you're trying to say?

What I'm saying is that you have to learn to let go,

and you have to get over this fear

of not being able to play mommy anymore.

I want a divorce.

Nancy, that's ridiculous.

That's right. I'm ridiculous,

which is exactly what you used to like about me.

But you have become incredibly stubborn

and insensitive and set in your ways.

And after 27 years, I've had enough!

(CRYING)

Well, you have really been mistreated.

While other husbands are out getting drunk

and having sex with 18-year-olds,

what does your husband do?

He's a little boring.

He's a little insensitive.

Big deal.

I don't know how you put up with it, Madame Bovary!

Oh!

Oh!

There you are. Oh!

Oh, Henry.

Oh.

I'm sorry, honey.

Oh, how did we get here?

We just got older, that's all.

I don't mind getting older, Henry.

Neither do I. I don't.

I don't even want to be 17 again.

Neither do I.

That notion that when you're younger,

everything is perfect.

I wouldn't mind feeling like I'm 17 sometimes.

I wouldn't, either.

How do we do that?

Oh, Henry. When we were younger,

this would've been one big adventure.

Yeah, I know.

Well, I don't know.

We used to have fun.

Yeah.

Remember your grandfather's house?

We were in that little stupid motel,

and then we made love all night

'cause we were so scared.

That's where you killed my grandfather.

Oh, I did not.

Yes, you did. Henry.

You can't wear that outfit

around a man without a single open artery.

What outfit?

The one with the black tight pants

with that daffodil patch.

You remember that? Yeah.

What else? What else?

I remember you had that heart-shaped blouse

with that big heart thing.

You looked like a person who worked in a hospital.

Oh, that's sexy.

(JAZZ COMBO PLAYING)

¶ That old black magic has me

¶ In its spell

¶ That old... ¶

Where are we?

Yeah.

There's nobody here.

Hmm. Well.

You look so sexy right now.

(CHUCKLES) Thank you.

I guess it's that rolling-out-of-a-cab look you like, huh?

You smell sexy.

Oh, Henry.

Henry.

I hear music.

A kiss will do that.

Mmm.

Thank you very much. And now, ladies and gentlemen,

the Mayor of New York, the Honorable Rudy Giuliani.

Yes. Hear! Hear!

Thank you very much.

This evening would not be possible

without the generosity and perseverance

of Mrs. Florence Needleman,

who, as part of our "Light Up the City" campaign,

is dedicating a part of the park

in loving memory of her husband Manny.

Mrs. Needleman.

Manny and I shared some of our loveliest memories here in Central Park,

and my Manny would be so happy to know

that we have returned the park

to the good, law-abiding citizens of New York.

NANCY: Honey! Oh, honey!

And he'd be especially pleased

with the new monument that has been erected.

Ahh! Oh, Henry!

So, without further ado,

let's get to it.

Ahh! Ahh! Oh, Henry!

Oh.

Come on, baby! Oh, Henry!

We gotta go, baby. Come on.

This is so embarrassing. Put your pants on.

This way! This way!

NANCY: They're chasing us.

"Public fornication" won't look good on my resume.

Oh, Henry, I got grass...

Grass... Grass in my ass.

Halt!

Henry, run faster! Faster!

WOMAN ON POLICE RADIO: Looking for two suspects on foot.

A white male and female, partially disrobed.

Come on.

(OUT OF BREATH)

I think we lost them, honey.

Over here. (SIREN WAILING IN DISTANCE)

Were we nuts?

Well, we just got lost in our essence.

There's cops everywhere.

We're gonna have to lay low for a while.

There's something I never thought I'd hear myself say.

Yeah. Get down, sweetie.

Yeah, yeah. Excuse me.

Let's just stay here for a few minutes.

All right. Just for a second.

(EXHAUSTED SIGH)

Okay. Want a mint?

Where'd you get this?

I stole that, too.

From the Wellstones. Yeah. From their pillows.

You should've stole their pillows, too.

I know.

Oh, sweetie.

Well, I'm glad we finally

got more time for ourselves.

Yeah.

What time's your interview tomorrow?

10:00.

Mmm.

(URINATING)

Ahh.

Hold it. Oh, sorry.

Okay, mister.

Oh, no. This is not what it looks like.

Public exposure is what it looks like. Come on.

Nancy?

Nancy. I don't care what you call it.

Just keep it zipped up. Let's go.

Nancy!

Nancy!

Henry?

Nancy!

Henry.

This is a mistake.

If you call Dun & Bradley Advertising,

they'll tell you I have an interview there this morning.

I'm not a criminal, I'm not a degenerate,

and I don't deserve to be locked up with...

...out proper medical attention.

I have a severely sprained neck.

We'll straighten that out for you.

(LAUGHTER)

This is Sergeant Jordan at the desk at the 1-5.

When's your commanding officer gonna be back?

He's on lunch break. Oh, great.

You got some racket there. It's a long lunch break.

Great. All right. Let me give you

the information on this, all right?

The woman's name is Florence Klein,

and she's at 585 Beck Avenue. Right.

Hello.

Correct. Lady, I'm busy. Not now.

Excuse me. Yeah, okay.

I have a little bit of a problem.

My husband has a job interview in two hours,

and I need to use the phone because I have to arrange for bail.

Public phones are right down the hallway there.

I know, but that'll take at least an hour,

and I don't have that kind of time.

And if I could just use your phone,

I promise I'll call collect and I...

Lady. Give me a break, okay?

Give you a break?

Give you a break?

(DING) Hey!

Let me share something with you.

In the last 24 hours,

I have been rerouted, mugged, evicted,

chased by a dog, kidnapped,

chased by a horse,

and seen in a compromising position by the Mayor.

I just found out that my daughter

is spending us into the poorhouse

and that my husband has no job.

I'm angry, I'm tired, and I'm hungry,

and I'm running with the wolves!

And right now, I am one crazy bitch from Ohio!

So why don't you give me a break!

Do I dial 9 to get out?

Officer, I got the most important meeting in 2 hours.

Can't you just call somebody or spea...

What you makin' all that noise for?

Forget it. You can scream in here till you croak.

The whole damn thing gives me a headache.

I got one.

Well, take an aspirin.

Anything to shut your mouth up.

Thank you.

(SIGH)

Nobody home?

No. My daughter's not there.

My son's somewhere in London.

I don't know anybody else in New York.

Well, where are you staying?

Can't your hotel give you a loan?

Oh, my God.

The manager threw us out of the hotel.

He hates us. He wouldn't eve...

¶ Toot toot

¶ Hey

¶ Beep beep ¶

So you saw the "do not disturb" sign on the door.

Yes.

And then you knocked to see if it was supposed to be out there.

Sir. I have a call for you.

Excuse me, Howard.

I'll explain the rest of your life to you in a moment.

Thank you so much, Michelle.

Good morning. Mersault speaking.

NANCY: Mr. Mersault?

Hi. This is Nancy Clark from Ohio.

You threw us out of your hotel last night.

How are you?

Oh, I'm very well, thank you.

How nice of you to stay in touch.

I wish all our freeloaders were as conscientious.

Well, as much as I would like to chew the fat,

this really isn't a courtesy call.

I need you to do me a favor.

Mrs. Clark, let me explain.

If you are a paying guest at this hotel,

I fawn, I grovel.

I am, in fact, your very plaything.

But if you're not a guest, you do not exist.

So there is no need for me to talk to you.

Oh, I think you're definitely

gonna want to speak to me, Mr. Mersault.

Why on earth would that be?

Because last night at the hotel,

you looked so fabulous

in that wonderful full-length sable coat.

And those stiletto heels were absolutely...

Go away. Yes?

And I must tell you that I have never seen a man kick so high.

And after they send you to jail,

you can do your little act for all the prisoners.

They'll love it.

Congratulations, Mrs. Clark.

I had an intuition you'd be good at blackmail.

So, um, how may I be of service to you?

I need bail money at the 15th Precinct,

and I need it here right now.

And bring some muffins.

But, of course.

Muffins.

The presidential suite comes with the compliments of the hotel,

as, of course, does the limo.

Or should I say getaway car?

Now before we get to the hotel,

I'd just like you to sign this document, if you would,

agreeing never to discuss, disclose, or reveal

the incident at the hotel when I was, in fact,

rehearsing for the hotel employees' follies.

Thank you so much. Very good.

You look great.

Thanks, sweetie.

You look really great.

Thanks. Doesn't she look great?

Well, I wouldn't mind the blouse.

No, not the blouse. I mean, she just looks great.

(WHISPERS) She's got a great ass.

Henry?

Well, it is. It's just always there for me.

Oh.

It's been a wellspring of joy, really.

A what? What do you think?

I think it's a private, uh...

Well, come on. I mean, everybody knows.

It's the elephant in the room,

and now we're finally talking about it.

Henry, what is wrong with you?

Nothing. Uh?

I just feel frisky, that's all.

You feel frisky?

Frisky. Frisky.

Say the word "frisky."

Frisky.

Frisky. Yeah.

Say "frisky" again. Frisky, Henry.

Frisky. Say "frisky."

Say the word "frisky."

Frisky.

Frisky. Say "frisky."

Frisky.

Frisky. Say the word "frisky." it's fun.

Frisky. Yes, yes. It is rather fun.

(LAUGHING)

Say, is there a playground or something nearby,

say, maybe with swings or monkey bars?

There's a very well-equipped health club at the hotel

which you're welcome to use once you've signed...

Yecch! Yecch. Health club. Eggh!

Oh, my God. Henry.

Henry, look at me.

Your eyes look really funny.

Did you eat or drink anything in jail?

No. Mmm, you didn't?

No. I just... I had an aspirin.

Are you sure it was an aspirin?

A prisoner gave it to me.

Oh, well, if a prisoner gave it to him.

Oh!

Can you pull over? Would you pull over?

No. Don't pull over.

Don't pull over. Pullover.

Pullover. Like a sweater.

A pullover sweater.

And it's the same as "pull over."

To pull over, and yet,

it's a sweater.

¶ When the moon is in the seventh house

So could you pull over?

I mean, like... Like, right now.

¶ And Jupiter aligns with Mars

Too confining. Too confining.

Too confining. Too confining.

Henry! Henry!

Henry!

¶ And love will steer the stars

¶ This is the dawning of the Age of Aquarius

¶ The Age of Aquarius

¶ Aquarius

¶ Aquarius

¶ Harmony and understanding

Uh!

¶ Sympathy and trust abounding

Uh!

¶ No more falsehoods or derisions

Oh. Oh, honey.

Oh, look at the beautiful oneness of this tree.

What it is for us. It becomes us.

Do you feel its ontological being?

Do you feel it?

What? Nancy.

Guess whose voice I'm hearing from inside the tree?

The earth's?

I'm hearing the voice of Baba Ram Dass.

Remember Baba Ram Dass and his inspirational tape that we never listened to

because it melted in the car?

Remember how sad we were?

I know, honey. We got all our priorities all screwed up.

We do. We have our priorities so screwed up.

We have to love more, Nancy, don't we?

Don't we have to love more?

We have to give it to other people.

We have to... Grr! Henry!

Henry, no!

Come on, Nancy, let's do her.

¶ The Age of Aquarius

¶ The Age of Aquarius ¶

Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

Quack! Quack! Quack! Quack!

Excuse us.

Oh, my God. Look at this.

We have arrived.

This is the presidential suite.

Henry, no, no. Honey. Honey.

We've got 18 minutes to get you to that interview, okay?

Who needs a job if we have all this?

Henry, we have nothing!

Okay?

Now I'm gonna unpack, and I want you to think advertising.

Think advertising. All right.

I'm going to focus on advertising.

Right.

I am an advertising ma...

(MUMBLING INTO PILLOW) Henry?

Henry, no.

You have to get dressed.

All right. All right. I'm getting dressed.

Now... Think.

I have an idea, baby.

What is the most unused advertising space in the world?

What? The human tongue.

It's always hanging out.

People looking through restaurant windows and drooling

and guys looking at girls.

That's advertising space.

It'd be so easy to write on there.

So-and-so's breath mints.

And dogs. Their tongues are always hanging out.

They wouldn't mind a little tattoo that says "Alpo."

Would you write this down?

Don't worry. I never forget a good idea.

Well, say it back to me. Say it back.

Henry. It's time to take a shower.

Take a shower. All right. Yes. It's time to take a shower.

Okay, baby. Your little genius is gonna take a shower.

(SHOWER RUNS)

¶ Fly me to the moon

¶ And let me swing among the stars

Hey, baby.

I think I found some more unused advertising space.

¶ In other words

¶ I love you ¶

Oh, my God.

Ohh! Henry, no!

How nice to see you.

I'll have those pants pressed for you

the moment that you return, Mr. Clark.

Is there anything that you need at all?

A basket of fruit, perhaps? Have a nice day.

Banana?

Taxi.

Henry, put on your pants, for God's sake!

Oh!

We'll get a cab up here.

Henry, get your pants on.

I'm getting them. Taxi!

And your shoes on. I got it.

We're gonna make it.

Gonna make it.

Slow down, baby. We got plenty of time.

Gonna make it.

Okay, we're almost here.

What time is it?

We've got two minutes. It's two minutes to 10:00.

Go, go. Here it is. 590. Whoo!

Okay, go, go!

Let's go, honey.

Come on, Henry. Henry!

Henry!

Henry, this way, honey. Come on!

Sorry.

Okay, sweetie. Come on.

Come on, you look fabulous.

Honey, I got a good feeling.

I got a really good feeling you're gonna get the job.

Get the job? Yes, you are.

My coat, my coat. Okay.

You look good, sweetheart.

Okay. Button up your coat.

Okay, Henry.

We're here.

Come on, sweetie.

Henry?

This is not right.

What? Yes, it is, Henry. It is right.

This is the floor, honey.

Oh, I just can't do this.

Henry! What?

No, Henry, you're just stressed-out.

I mean, everything is fine.

Just don't mention that tongue idea.

Come on, honey. Take my hand. Okay.

Come on. All rightie.

Okay, Henry, now I want you to visualize getting off the elevator.

I'm visualizing. Okay.

Coming off the elevator.

My hand's out. That feels good. It's a different temperature.

Is it, honey? Come on.

You're gonna make it, Henry.

My hair is out. My hair.

Good. Your foot's out.

Just put your foot out.

I just... I...

Come on. Come on, baby.

I can't do this. I can't do this. I'm just burned out.

I'm just going through the motions.

I can't get out. I know what he means.

What's your name? Paul.

We just can't do this anymore.

Henry, Henry, don't be irresponsible.

I know that you took a hallucinogenic in prison.

But this does not mean that you can't make an effort.

I can't. We can't!

You're not helping!

Henry, who are you gonna listen to,

your loving, trusting wife of 27 years or this guy?

He understands me, and you just can't handle that, can you?

We're one now.

Let's go, honey.

Yeah. Okay, good, Henry.

Let's go.

So I go, "No way." And he goes, "Oh, so way."

Excuse me.

I go, "You are totally stupid."

Excuse me.

Hold on. Can I help you?

I'm Henry Clark to see Lisa Tobin.

Oh, you're Henry Clark. I called your house in Ohio,

and I tried leaving a message at the hotel for you,

but they said you hadn't checked in.

The meeting was moved to 9:00.

Are you serious?

We didn't get that message.

There's nothing I can do.

I know, but, you know, we had trouble getting into the hotel,

we didn't get our messages.

The manager's a transvestite.

Ms. Tobin is preparing for a meeting with some clients.

Then she flies to London for a week.

Sorry.

There must be something you can do. I mean...

See, this is a sign. It's over.

Henry, don't say that.

Nancy, look out there.

It's an entire city saying, "Go home."

You know what it says on the Statue of Liberty?

"Give me your tired, give me your poor.

"Give me everybody but Henry and Nancy Clark."

Henry, you're hungry.

If I just get you a cracker,

you'll be filled with hope again.

No, I'll just be filled with cracker.

It's over. What about marrow-sucking?

What about embracing life?

Nancy, we're too old for that.

Okay.

All right, Henry.

The plane leaves at 2:30.

I'm gonna be on it.

I'm gonna go back to the hotel.

I have just enough energy to

steal some towels from the presidential suite.

(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)

Well, Henry...

I guess New York won.

New York won.

New York won?

Uh-huh. No, it's permanent.

You never have to wax again.

Excuse me. Of course it hurts.

Oh, it is so totally worth it.

I mean, what, with global warming,

you're gonna be in a bathing suit all year long.

I'm sorry. This is an emergency. If I could just...

Gimme a break, okay?

Sorry. Go ahead.

Give you a break?

Give you a break?

Hey! Listen.

In the past 24 hours, I have destroyed a car,

been thrown out of a hotel,

forced to reveal my most intimate secrets

to a group of nymphomaniacs and masturbators,

watched my wife seduce a man for dinner,

threatened with divorce,

arrested for public urination,

and drugged by Jacko, my new prison pal.

I have a house, and a mortgage,

and a son in college, and a daughter in the theater.

And I'm one of those nice, quiet Midwestern guys

that no one expects to snap,

but when we do, watch it, baby!

Come on in. Meet the team.

Bill, Rita, David, Michael, this is Henry Clark,

formally of Sellinski Advertising in Ohio.

Hi. How are you?

He was scheduled for 9:00.

9:00, huh? Still on Central Standard Time?

Well, actually, Ohio is Eastern Standard Time.

A lot of people think it's Central, but it's not.

Although Central Standard Time

is a very, very good time zone.

It's just... It's not too early, it's not too late.

It's... It's just Central.

I don't get the joke.

(CRYING)

Mr. Clark, your portfolio is terrific.

But in an hour, we have to pitch a follow-up

to the "I Love New York" campaign,

and we're having big problems.

I wish our timing had been better,

but thanks for coming up and good luck.

Oh.

Thank you.

I think we should start with New York, New York,

and then pull back...

'Cause that way, it's definitely a start.

It's big. It's bold. I see that...

Do you know what your problem is?

What did you say?

I said, "Do you know what your problem is?"

No. What's my problem?

You live here. You're jaded.

What you need is a fresh perspective

from an outsider from, say, Ohio.

Because you have forgotten

just how amazing this city is.

I have had more experiences in this city

than many people who have lived here their whole lives.

I mean, I met colorful characters.

I've taken a breathtaking cab ride through Central Park.

I climbed to the top of a luxury hotel.

Not in the elevator,

actually on the hotel.

And then, I fell...

...in love with my wife all over again

at Tavern on the Green,

on the actual green itself.

And then I had sex in front of the Mayor.

I mean, where else can something like this happen?

Only in New York!

What did you just say?

You mean the whole thing or the tag line

for your new campaign, "Only In New York"?

Which, incidentally, I copyrighted just before I came up here,

along with the visual of the Statue of Liberty

giving the high five to a family of tourists.

Oh, this guy's very good.

Can I have a doughnut?

Now, when the Princess arrives,

try not to be alarmed by her appearance, which is hideous.

Now do you have all the Clarks' luggage?

I think there's also a garment bag.

Well, if it's not here in 60 seconds,

I shall instruct the hotel nurse

to give you a lethal injection.

Mrs. Clark, good afternoon!

Your yellow chariot awaits,

and you have a glorious day for flying.

Up, up, and away.

Oh, barf.

(LAUGHS) My sentiments exactly.

If you see my husband, would you do me a favor

and give him that ticket, please?

But, of course. Such a good idea

to get a head start to the airport.

Visit those fine shops.

Get to know a Hare Krishna, perhaps.

Close the door, please.

Hey! Hey, baby, hey.

Hold it. Hold it. Hey!

Hey, baby, baby, don't go!

Go! Go! Go!

Don't go! Don't go!

Don't go! Don't go! Hey, hey!

Come here! Come here!

Henry! Come here! Come here!

What... What... What is it?

Okay. Now this is champagne, and that is the limousine,

and this is what we're celebrating.

What?

It's the key to my new office. I got the job.

Henry, you got the job!

We're New Yorkers now. We're New Yorkers now!

We're never gonna leave! We're never gonna leave!

Oh, no. Please, God, no.

And I got you something, too.

Oh, honey...

You didn't have to do this.

I know, I know, but I did. Oh, my...

Oh, you got me a spare key.

It's the key to your office.

Henry, are you still high?

They want me to bring in my own creative team.

I can hire anyone I want, and I want you.

I want my partner back.

Oh, Henry.

I mean, all the best things in my life

have happened because of you,

the marriage and the kids and work.

And this is how I'm happiest.

(LAUGHS) This is crazy!

No, no, no, no, this makes sense.

You want to know what my version of marrow-sucking is?

What?

It's being with you.

That's how I suck.

Oh, Henry.

(SIGHS)

What's it pay?

Excuse me. Are you going to the airport or not?

Why? We live here.

Oh!

Only in New York.

So, I take it you won't be checking out today.

Or perhaps ever.

Barry, get the bags.

Bags! What?

The bags! Where are they?

They're in the cab! In the cab?

My God.

I think I'm beginning to like them.

Taxi!

Why do they paint them all yellow?

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad.

(MOUTHING)

Congratulations.

She's good, isn't she?

You should be proud.

Isn't the theater magical? What?

Are those my earrings?

Bravo! Bravo!

¶ Isn't it romantic?

¶ Music in the night

¶ A dream that can be heard

¶ Isn't it romantic?

¶ Moving shadows write

¶ The oldest magic word

¶ I

¶ Hear the breezes playin'

¶ In the trees above

¶ While

¶ While all the world is sayin'

¶ You were meant for love

¶ Isn't it romantic?

¶ Mmm, merely to be young

¶ On such a night as this

¶ Isn't it romantic?

¶ Oh, every note that's sung

¶ Is like a lover's kiss

¶ Sweet

¶ Symbols in the moonlight

¶ Do you mean that I will

¶ Fall in love perchance?

¶ Isn't it romance?

¶ Isn't it romantic?

¶ Oh, yeah, yeah

¶ Merely to be young

¶ On such a night as this

¶ Oh, isn't it romantic, baby?

¶ Mmm, every note that's sung

¶ Is like a lover's kiss

¶ Sweet

¶ Sweet symbols in the moonlight

¶ Do you mean that I will

¶ Fall in love perchance?

¶ Baby, isn't it romance?

¶ Isn't it romance?

¶ Yeah, yeah

¶ Oh, so romantic

¶ So romantic, baby

¶ Isn't it romantic?

¶ Isn't it romance? Yeah

¶ Oh, isn't it, baby?

¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah

¶ So romantic

¶ That's what it is

¶ Oh, baby

¶ Hey, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

¶ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

¶ So romantic, baby

¶ Oh

¶ Hey, yeah, yeah ¶