Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mr. Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Hm, I'm getting a double chin.

I've got to cut down those alfalfa snacks

when I'm watching TV.

Ed, I have got great news for you.

We're going camping this weekend

at Mammoth Lake in the High Sierras.

Me, too?

Sure, you and me and Addison.

Oh, boy. I've always wanted to get out there in the woods

and just let my beard grow.

Me, too.

I've always wanted to let my tail grow wild.

♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ Where the buffa-- ♪

Hey, did you say

old vinegar puss is coming, too?

That's right. I mean, the whole trip was his idea.

I can't figure why Addison wants me along.

He hates me.

Well, I insisted that you come.

And after all, you're my friend, my pal, my buddy.

And we needed somebody to carry the pack.

Oh, you do, huh?

Look, I'm a horse, not a red cap.

Oh, Ed, stop being temperamental.

It's not going to hurt you to carry a few provisions for us.

You've got Addison. Let the jackass carry the stuff.

All right. I'll rent another horse.

Whoa-ho-ho. Now the threats begin.

Okay, I'll go.

Atta boy, Ed. You'll have a wonderful time.

Before I take a trip,

I got to see what my horoscope says.

Get me my astrology book, huh?

Oh, you and your superstitions.

I'm Pisces, and us Pisces got to be careful.

You and your Pisces.

Wilbur, look. I just bought it.

How do you like it?

Set me back 375 bucks.

Wow, that's big.

I bet the next size comes on wheels.

Oh, boy. Any duck that gets hit with that goes first class.

Just feel the barrels.

Huh? How does it feel?

Mm, like $375.

And worth every cent of it.

Oh, by the way, Wilbur,

what type of gun will you be using?

Follow me.

Huh? How do you like it?

Which end does the cork come out?

I never miss with old Betsy.

When a duck sees me aim this at him,

he asks for a blindfold and a cigarette.

Please, do me a favor, will you?

Never point that at a bird when I'm around.

I hate to shoot a duck while it's landing.

Huh. When I pull the trigger,

it'll be laughing out of the other side of its quack-quack.

Uh, by the way, Wilbur,

did you tell Carol we were going on this hunting trip?

Sure.

What did she say when you told her

we are not taking our wives along?

Nothing. Carol's a good sport.

She knows that every now and again

us guys got to get out there in the woods

and just let our tails grow wild.

I-- I mean our beards.

How did Kay take it?

Like a trooper. Firing both barrels.

So we'll take the freeway to Ventura,

and we go to the 101, up Sepulveda Boulevard.

Go north to U.S. highway 6,

continue on to the junction of Route 395.

That will be just north of Homestead.

By the way, it's a beautiful spot.

We ought to stop up there sometime.

[coughs]

Keep on 395 to Lone Pine through Bishop.

And then, let's see,

Mammoth Lake will be about 13 miles west.

[coughs]

What's the matter, honey? You feel all right?

Oh, I'm fine. Just a little cough.

[coughs]

Coming down with a cold?

Oh, no, no, honey.

[coughs]

The doctor said it was just the air in town.

Oh, that's right. The air has been kind of pecu--

Doctor?

When did you see a doctor?

Oh, now, Wilbur, don't you worry about me.

You go and have a good time.

Honey, I'd like to take you along with us,

but you know how Roger feels.

And he's right.

I mean, honey, I think you men

should get off by yourselves every once in a while.

[coughs]

It isn't so bad.

I mean, maybe I'll get lucky, and it'll rain.

No, no, I'm not going to leave you here.

I don't care how Roger feels. You're coming along.

I'm going to tell him right now.

[coughs]

[coughs]

You're wasting your time, Camille.

I am not taking you along.

I wouldn't go if you begged me.

[phone rings]

Well, let me answer it.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Carol.

He did?

We are?

Well, I'll start packing right away.

Uh, thanks for calling, sweetie.

Oh, Addison, guess what.

Some idiot is taking his wife along on a hunting trip.

You certainly are, doll.

Oh, we'll make a perfect foursome.

That's right.

Wilbur, Carol, you, and the horse.

Oh, Addison, you're impossible.

Roger.

Roger, we have got to take Carol with us.

The poor kid is coughing her head off.

And the doctor says that it's going to get worse

unless the rains and weather clears up

and the air gets a little better.

But you know how dry it's been lately, Rog.

Well, Ed, the girls are going along with us,

so tomorrow at the crack of dawn

we'll be heading for the tall timber.

I'm not going.

What do you mean?

I thought you were excited about this trip.

I just read my horoscope, and the news is not good.

Ed, what are you talking about?

I'm a Pisces, and it says if I leave town tomorrow,

disaster will befall me.

Look, will you forget about these superstitions?

Nothing can happen to you.

Why, you walk around with four horseshoes all the time.

I wouldn't leave this barn tomorrow

for all the carrots in Kansas.

Ed, I'm surprised at you.

Don't you know that superstition is based on ignorance?

So I'm stupid,

but I'm alive.

Now, you listen to me, you cowardly Pisces.

Now, Ed, you're behaving like a child.

Now there is nothing--

What is my shoe doing nailed over your door?

I put it there for good luck.

Ed, you're going to have the time of your life.

Now, in the morning, I'll wake you up, feed you.

I'll put you in your little trailer.

I'll hitch you to the car, and then we're off.

Off a cliff.

[humming]

Honey, I told you there's no sense in sweeping.

That dirt goes down at least 5,000 miles.

You know, it's a lucky thing you brought us along

to keep this place clean around here.

You know, I never saw so many insects in my life?

Will you please stop spraying me?

I don't intend to bite you.

You didn't talk that way to me before we were married.

Ah. Oh, that fresh mountain air.

Nothing like it, hey, honey?

Mm, it's wonderful.

You know, you haven't coughed once since we've been up here.

No.

Or for that matter,

since you backed the car out of the garage.

[chuckles]

Yeah, how about that?

Uh, what's this?

That is a duck call.

We hunters use it to attract ducks.

Its sound is similar to the actual mating call.

[blows air]

Does it really work?

[Wilbur] That answer your question?

Silly.

Well, I think I'll wander down to the water.

I'll see if there's any high grass we can use for a blind.

You want to come along, Wilbur?

Uh, no, no, I think I better stay back here

and protect the girls from the wild animals.

Well, I don't think there are any around here.

I just saw a lot of rabbits on the way up.

Yeah, well, if they gang up on you,

they can beat you to death with their ears.

Well, you have to watch it.

Uh, be careful, doll.

If you want Mommy, just blow that mating call.

Ed, you haven't eaten a thing

since we left home this morning.

Aren't you hungry?

Nope, just scared.

You can forget about that horoscope.

We've been on the road since 6:00 this morning.

Nothing has happened to you.

So far.

- Wilbur. - What is it?

- I smell a rhinoceros. - Where?

Point, Ed, point.

Rhinoceros?

Yeah.

Ed, rhinoceros are found only in Africa.

He could be visiting a relative.

Oh, Ed.

It's only a couple hours by jet.

Ed, you are acting like a coward.

If there's anything I cannot stand--

[gunshot]

Wilbur, stop hanging on my neck.

Us cowards like to run light.

You got me nervous now.

That was just a gunshot.

I don't like any shots, not even penicillin shots.

I'm afraid of guns, Wilbur.

Take me home.

No, Ed, I will not take you home.

Doesn't it bother you that you've got a jinxed horse

who may drag you down with him?

Ah, poppycock.

No, Pisces.

Oh--

[rustling in leaves]

Shh.

What was that noise?

That was my teeth chattering.

Yes, sir.

You can have that sissified city stuff

with its comforts and its luxuries,

but give me the rude, crude pioneer litXfe every tim.

Yep, help me up and let's get going.

Hey, Davy Crockett.

How about giving me a hand back with some of these logs?

Oh, sure. I'm sorry. Sorry.

Rog, you're not still sore at me, are you,

for bring the girls along?

Not anymore.

Frankly, I think it'll do Kay a lot of good

to get a taste of this crude elemental life.

You know, she's always gotten things too easy.

Anything she wanted, she just ordered from a store.

It's a little different out here.

I mean, she can't just open a charge account with a squirrel.

♪ Oh, give me a home ♪

♪ Where the buffalo roam ♪

♪ And the deer and the antelope play ♪

♪ Where seldom is heard ♪

♪ A discouraging word ♪

♪ And the-- ♪

Boys, dinner's almost ready.

You better hurry up and shave.

Shave?

What for?

Who's coming?

Please, it'll only take a few minutes?

I don't intend to shave until we get back home.

Oh, now, come on, nature boys.

The least you can do is go down to the creek and wash up.

Yeah, please hurry.

We'll hold off lighting the candles till you get back.

Oh, we wouldn't miss that for the world,

would we, Wilbur?

Oh, no. It would ruin the trip for us.

Are you ready, Gaston?

After you, my dear Alfonse.

No, thank you.

Well, my boy, in a few more hours,

we'll be popping those big birds out of the sky.

Isn't she a beauty?

Yeah.

I'll bet when the ducks see that gun of yours

they'll be standing in line to get shot.

Yeah.

Of course, old Betsy here won't do too badly.

Oh, please. The only birds you'll get with that

are the ones flying a suicide mission.

Mm, isn't that mountain air wonderful?

Yes.

Aren't you glad the boys asked us along?

G Oh, yes.

But you know, it wouldn't hurt any

to cough once in a while, sweetie.

[coughs]

[laughs]

Dear.

Oh, look, a baby duck.

Oh, what a cute little doll.

Oh, poor little thing.

He probably got separated from its family.

Oh, how could anyone shoot a helpless little creature like this?

Oh, I know. It makes me feel just awful.

Murderers.

Wilbur, do you have to shoot duck on this trip?

Well, honey, a hunting trip isn't much fun

unless you do a little shooting.

Kay, don't let that little duckling upset you.

We'll only be shooting at the big ones.

Would you have the nerve to shoot this baby's mother?

No, but I'd like to get a few of his uncles, his aunts,

and maybe a grandfather or two.

Wilbur, are you going to join that killing party?

Are you?

Am I?

Of course you are.

We came up here to hunt, remember?

I told you not to bring the women along.

Well, if that's the way you feel,

we don't have to stay where we're not wanted.

That's right. We can sleep someplace else, Kay.

Carol, don't be foolish.

Don't you come near me, you-- you assassin.

Let them go.

Well, if you boys change your minds,

we'll be sleeping right over there.

Rog, I don't like the idea of them sleeping by themselves.

Don't worry. They'll only be a few feet away.

I know Kay. The first little noise,

she'll come jumping right into my arms.

So will I.

Honey, I love you.

I love you, too, doll,

but what are we going to do with Addison?

Yeah, what'll you do with me?

[duck whistle]

They should be flying south by now.

I would have to leave my compass home.

Have you got any idea which way south is?

Only one way to find out.

You face north. Then you turn around real quick.

I think this plug of yours is bad luck.

Did you have to bring him along?

He gets nervous by himself, Rog. It's his horoscope.

What?

Well, I mean, I figured if we got enough ducks,

he could help us carry them back.

Wilbur, look. Here they come.

Oh, boy, I've waited a whole year for this moment.

You pushed me.

No, I didn't, Rog.

All those beautiful ducks gone.

You went soft because Carol showed you that little duck.

Rog, I didn't push you. It was Ed.

Oh, please.

He's standing too close to you. I'll move him.

Yeah.

Come on, Ed.

[ducks quacking]

Wilbur, look. Here they come again.

Hundreds of them. Oh, boy, I can't miss this time.

They're gone again.

All on a count of that stupid horse.

Huh, I can see Ed isn't wanted around here.

I'll send him home.

We had our chance and missed it.

There hasn't been a sign of a duck around here for 45 minutes.

Maybe they're on their lunch hour.

Why don't you blow that duck call thing again, hm?

I'm beginning to think

this is more of a warning whistle than a mating call.

[ducks quacking]

Here they come.

Keep blowing, Rog.

It's no use, Rog. I can't make this kid an orphan.

All right, you blow the horn and let me shoot.

The girls are right, Rog.

I couldn't kill a duck with this little fellow around.

I'm going back to camp.

This gun cost me $375,

and I'm going to shoot ducks even if it breaks my heart.

Boy, did I have a job getting this catsup over me.

If this dying routine works,

I may get home safe before my luck runs out.

Oh, here he comes.

[Mister Ed] Wilbur.

[groans]

Wilbur.

[groans]

Ed.

Ed, what happened?

I've been shot by some careless hunter.

[groans]

I didn't hear any shot.

He must have used a silencer.

[groans]

Ed, you're bleeding.

I'll wipe it off for you.

No, don't touch it. It hurts.

Ed, I should never have brought you here.

I forgive you, Wilbur.

Oh, it's getting dark.

Come on back.

We came up here to shoot ducks, remember? What--

My.

W-Well, what's the matter?

Some careless hunter shot Ed.

Oh, that's too bad.

Oh, is there anything I can do?

No, I don't think so.

Yes, there is.

Take my gun and you can throw it in the lake.

I'm never going hunting again.

All right, Wilbur.

And throw yours in, too.

Oh, no, wait a minute.

My-- M-M-My gun cost $375.

Rog, if you don't throw that gun in the lake,

I'll never speak to you again.

Fine.

Oh.

Ed.

Ed, how do you feel?

Getting weaker.

Oh, no wonder.

[groans]

You're losing a lot of catsup.

Catsup?

Wilbur, yell, but don't hit.

Oh, oh, Ed.

Oh, I had a--

I'm just relieved that you're all right.

[laughs]

Oh, boy. I mean, this could've happened, you know.

Oh, Ed.

Oh, believe me. I really learned my lesson.

Okay, Ed, you can stand up now.

[grunts]

[grunts]

Oh, Ed.

Oh, you're just going to take it easy for the next few days.

Eating, sleeping, and having a ball.

[chuckles]

Carol?

Carol?

What is it, honey?

My hunting days are over.

Wilbur, do you mean that?

Roger and I have thrown our guns away.

Oh, honey, I'm so glad.

Well, I threw them in the deepest part of the lake.

What is that animal doing on its feet?

Wilbur, I-- I don't understand.

I just saw him. He was lying down.

There was blood all--

What happened?

Roger, when you witness a miracle,

you don't question it. You just accept it.

Another carrot, Ed?

Just leave it there, Wilbur.

Sorry I had to pull that trick on you.

I was on to you from the start.

You never scared me.

Well, you scared me.

You were crying so hard I thought I was really dying.

Well, I hope this proves to you, Ed,

that horoscopes don't mean a thing.

That's right.

And you'll never be superstitious again?

Never.

Ed, I don't know what you're worried about.

You're going to have a long and healthy life.

You betcha.

What was that?

I knocked on wood.

I'm not taking any chances.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.