Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Whoa. Whoa, Ed.

It's about time.

I don't run on gas, you know.

You can use the exercise, Ed.

You're about 50 pounds overweight.

Well, that's just baby fat.

- Wilbur, will you get me a candy bar? - No.

How about some nice water?

Water? I get it.

If it's free, it's okay.

Okay, Ed. Open your mouth.

[Man] Wilbur Post!

Why, you old son of a gun.

Karl. Karl Dickinson. I thought you were back East.

We've been out here six months now.

Bought a place over in Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

Well, that's a pretty exclusive district, huh?

Well, it's only a 14-room house.

Well, I hope you're doing all right, Wilbur,

'cause, well, if you're not,

I get jobs sometimes that are too small for me.

- I'd be glad to throw them your way. - Oh, thanks, Karl.

But I'm doing pretty well right now.

What's been happening to you?

I haven't seen you for so many years. You married?

To the most gorgeous little girl you ever wanted to see.

Two years ago, she was Miss Alabama.

Well, how about you? Married?

To the most gorgeous girl you'll ever see.

Two years ago, she was Miss Higgins.

Well, look, we ought to get together.

I'd ask you over to our house, but it's kind of a mess.

Blanche is redecorating, and I'm having the pool enlarged.

You see, it's only 40 x 60 now.

Well, you need a bigger one, don't you?

I mean, you never know

when Moby Dick may drop by for a swim.

- Very good. - Why don't you and the wife

stop over to our place for dinner tonight?

That's a great idea. Where do you live?

17230 Valley Spring. It's in the San Fernando Valley.

The Valley? That's kind of a long way to drive, isn't it?

Not when you get your pool extended.

It'll just be a short swim.

- How about 8:00? - Great.

- See you then, Wilbur. - Okay, Karl.

Come on, McTavish. [laughing]

You know, guys like him make me glad I'm a horse.

Oh, Karl's okay, Ed.

He just likes to blow his own horn a little.

A little?

He sounds like the Hollywood Freeway

at 5:30.

I'd better get home and tell Carol

that we're gonna have guests for dinner.

Okay, Ed. Giddyap.

[grunts] Hey, you kicked me.

I'm sorry, Ed. It was an accident. Forgive me?

No, not till I see the X-rays in the morning.

Suppose I did that to you.

Oh, Ed. Come on.

Honey, don't you think we ought to have place cards?

- Place cards? - Yeah. Well, these people are from Beverly Hills.

Honey, we don't need place cards.

You know him, I know you,

and who's ever left over must be her.

Darling, will you please relax?

I have a beautiful dinner prepared.

- I am relaxed. - [doorbell rings]

That's him! That's him! Now, honey, don't get calm.

Keep nervous. Karl's an old friend.

You'd think it was the King and Queen of England.

Yes... [clears throat]

It's the king. It's Karl. Karl.

- [Karl] Hello, Wilbur. - Well, come on in.

Wilbur, I'd like to have you meet my wife Blanche.

Oh, it's a pleasure.

I'd like you to meet my wife Carol.

Carol, this is Blanche.

- How do you do, Mrs. Dickinson? - Hello, there.

- This is Karl. - Hello.

Hello, Carol. Say, Wilbur, you got yourself a pretty wife.

By golly, you're right.

I understand you were Miss Alabama.

That's right, honey.

Well, I'll tell you, she should've been Miss America.

But what chance does a Southern girl have with six Yankee judges?

Who did win the title?

Oh, Miss Georgia.

- Oh, here. Let me help you. - Why, thank you.

Oh, my, what a beautiful mink stole.

Why, thank you, honey.

I was gonna buy my wife a fur coat,

but Carol says, "Who needs a fur coat in California?"

Carol who?

[Karl laughing]

She's funny.

Oh, won't you sit down, please, Blanche?

There. Karl.

Thank you.

Ooh. Um, would you care for a champagne cocktail?

Maybe later, Wilbur.

Well, since you like champagne,

may I recommend Verdon Bleu '29?

A little dry for our palates.

How do you feel about Napa Valley '61?

Domestic stuff.

Well, the way I feel about it,

why buy French champagne to get an American hangover?

Karl honey, your friend is funny.

Dinner will be ready in a few minutes.

Oh, there's no hurry, Carol.

Say, you two have a very cozy place here.

We like it.

It's real cute. Looks just like our guesthouse.

Uh, Karl, you haven't changed.

You look the same as you did in college.

Ah, those were the days.

Remember when we played that big game against State?

I ran the opening kickoff back for a touchdown.

Yeah. You were a big hero.

Well, you made some pretty fancy runs yourself that day.

Wilbur, you never told me you were on the football team.

Oh, sure. Whenever the team called time,

he ran out with the water bucket. [laughing]

Never spilled a drop.

Same old Dippy.

Dippy?

Well, that's what the team used to call him.

He always had the water dipper in his hands.

Dippy.

Isn't that just too all precious?

Real sweet.

Well, excuse me. Dinner should be ready now.

Oh, Wilbur, would you bring in the water?

Ah, that's what he was famous for.

That was a good dinner. Your wife's a wonderful cook.

I'm glad you liked it. I'm sure your wife's a good cook, too.

Oh, she doesn't cook at all.

- No? - No.

You know, Karl, you've really done very well for yourself.

I've heard nothing but wonderful things about you.

Oh, really? Who from?

You.

Same old Dippy.

Eh...

this is where your office is?

Yeah. Come on in.

- You know, there's one thing I've always said, Wilbur-- - Shh!

[whispering] You'll wake Ed.

Ed?

That's Ed.

Who is he, your partner?

Poor Ed. I gave him quite a workout in the park today.

Why, I didn't realize this was your horse.

I thought it was some plug you'd rented.

Plug?

Ed happens to be a registered Palomino.

There isn't a finer horse in California.

Oh, you're kidding. Now, I own a horse.

Well, you saw McTavish this morning.

Oh, yes. Not a bad-looking nag.

Nag? Why, I'll have you know

that he comes from a long line of Scottish champions.

His father won the Edinburgh Sweepstakes three years in a row,

and his mother never lost a steeplechase in her whole racing career.

Well, you may not believe this,

but when I go riding with Ed,

he jumps over everything in sight--

shrubs, benches, people.

Why, he must be part registered kangaroo.

Nobody can out-jump Ed.

Come on, Dippy. A little fresh air will sober you up.

- I mean it. - [laughing]

I'm thinking of taking Ed abroad.

I want to enter him in one of those English steeplechases.

Why bother taking him abroad?

My equestrian club is giving a horse show.

The main event will be a steeplechase.

Why don't you enter your horse? It'll be on the 16th.

Oh, on the 16th?

Eh...

Wait. I just thought of something.

- A way to weasel out? - Yeah-- No.

I have a dental appointment on the 16th.

- You're going to the dentist. - The 16th.

On Sunday.

Oh. Well, I-- I usually get a toothache over the weekend.

For a minute there, you almost had me convinced

old lard belly in there could jump.

Wait a minute.

I changed my mind.

- We will enter that meet. - Good.

Now I won't have

I'll know who's coming in last.

Oh, yeah? Well, let me tell you something.

Ed could out-jump that McTavish of yours

with one foot tied behind his back.

Oh, really?

Well, would you like to make a little bet on your horse?

- How little? - Say 5 bills?

5 bills. That's a bet.

[clock alarm ringing]

[groans]

[ringing stops]

Another day, another bale of hay.

Morning, Ed.

Look, I'm sorry Karl Dickinson woke you up last night.

The nerve of that guy calling me an old plug.

Yeah. He called you old lard belly, too.

[Ed stammers]

I guess you'd do anything to get even with him, huh?

Wouldn't I?

I thought so. That's why I entered you

to compete against his horse in the steeplechase on Sunday.

[stammers] A steeplechase?

Isn't that where they jump over those big hedges?

That's right.

You entered a plug like me,

"old lard belly"?

You said you wanted to get even with him?

Suddenly I feel very forgiving.

Ed, you can't back out.

Don't tell me you're scared-- that you're yellow.

I don't know, but I'm in there someplace.

Ed, I know you can beat this McTavish.

Why, you're twice the horse he is.

And three times the coward.

Please, Ed. I want you to beat my friend's horse for--

well, for personal reasons.

And I wanna stay alive for personal reasons.

- [Roger] Wilbur? You in there? - Yes, Rog.

Carol tells me you're entering Mister Ed in the horse show.

That's right.

What's he gonna do,

keep the flies off the other horses?

Ed is going to be in the steeplechase.

The steeplechase?

Look, Rog, I know that Ed is not known as a jumper.

He's not even known as a walker.

Wilbur, what madness possessed you

entering old fatso in the steeplechase?

- When is this horse show? - Sunday.

Take my advice. Leave town Saturday.

"Old fatso," huh?

I'll show him.

Ed, you'll enter the steeplechase?

If you'll be the jockey, I'll be the horse.

- That's a deal. Let's shake on it. - Mmm.

- [phone ringing] - That's okay. I'll get it. Thanks.

Hello.

Hello, Wilbur. This is Karl.

Hey, how about being my guest tomorrow

at the Beverly Hills Country Club?

Golf, lunch. Everything on me.

You know, you'll be living.

Well, thanks a lot, Karl,

but I've gotta get Ed ready for the steeplechase.

I'll be working him out all day tomorrow.

Oh, you're kidding.

Your horse is no match for McTavish.

As far as I'm concerned, I'm willing to release you from our bet.

What's the matter, Karl? You getting worried?

Worried?

This is gonna be the easiest 500 bucks I ever made.

Well, see you Sunday, Dippy.

[laughing]

Dippy.

Easiest 500--

500?

Something wrong, Wilbur?

I just found out I--

I bet $500 on you to win.

500? That's a lot of hay.

Ed, do you think you stand a chance against McTavish?

Suddenly, I-- I feel like an old plug again.

Why'd you stop, Ed? Hey, we gotta get that weight off you.

You've got another 20 miles of roadwork.

Wilbur, I'm nothing but skin and bones now.

Stop complaining.

This will be the first race

where the jockey weighs more than the horse.

- You wanna back out? - No.

My mother taught me never to be a quitter.

- Attaboy, Ed. - But sometimes I wish

I'd listened to my father, Old Yellowback.

Come on, Ed. Let's go. Come on.

Okay, Ed, let's try it once more, shall we?

All right.

This thing is heavy, you know.

[Wilbur] 1, 2, 3, 4--

Ouch.

How about some chow now, Wilbur?

Not yet. We've still got 28 pounds to take off.

Let's split it.

14 pounds each.

That's enough steam, Wilbur.

I smell something cooking, and I think it's me.

You've still got 12 more pounds to lose.

I'll come out of here a pony.

[vibrating] How much longer, Wilbur.

Not till we tighten up some of that lard back there.

Tighten up?

You're turning it into butter.

Ohhh...

Now that your weight's down,

I want to show you some jumping techniques.

You really think this movie is gonna help me?

I went to a lot of trouble to rent these films.

Yeah?

I want you to study the style of these jumpers particularly.

- Uh-huh. - Once you catch on to it, it's a cinch.

- You ready? - Yeah. Are you?

- Yeah. - Roll 'em, Wilbur.

Hey, it looks like fun, doesn't it?

[Mister Ed] Yeah. Seems easy enough.

[Wilbur] See how simple it is, Ed?

You just tuck the front legs under

and let your powerful haunches lift you

lightly and gracefully over the obstacle,

clearing it neatly as you--

Ah-ah. Uh-oh.

Oh, my aching back.

I think we can turn those lights on now.

Relax, Ed. Those pileups don't happen very often.

Just once is enough, buddy boy.

Don't worry.

You've got nothing to fear but fear itself.

And I'm just loaded with that stuff.

Ed.

Ed, will you listen to me?

There's nobody in here but us chickens.

[kicks projector]

Honey, I was--

Wilbur, what's wrong?

Carol,

sit down.

You always tell me to sit down when there's some bad news.

I can take it standing up. What is it?

Carol, that $5.00 bet I made with Karl is $500.

No. Wilbur, how could you make such a bet?

It was a misunderstanding, and I'm stuck with it.

You're not stuck with anything.

You get right on this phone and call Karl

and tell him the bet is off.

Now go on.

Honey, I can't back out now.

Why not? You know he's gonna beat you.

Well, that was Karl's major in college-- beating Wilbur.

Everything I tried, he'd beat me.

He even beat me out of baseball, basketball, football, track.

He got everything that I wanted.

You know, if he'd known you when I did,

I'd still be a bachelor.

I would've picked you over him in a minute.

Oh, thanks, honey, but...

I probably won't win on Sunday,

but I'd like to give him a run for his money just once.

I'd like to see you do it, too, darling,

but I don't want to see either of you hurt.

Oh, no. We'll be all right.

I've been working with Ed, and he's pretty good.

- How about some dinner? - All right, Wilbur.

I love you.

Better have a light dinner

if you're gonna be on my back.

Ed!

Then you're with me?

All the way.

That big mouth has beaten you for the last time.

Oh, thanks, Ed.

A man never had a better horse.

That's true.

- One thing, Wilbur. - Yeah?

When we take that first jump, keep your eyes open

because mine are gonna be closed.

Oh, Ed.

Now, don't get sloppy.

Let's go, Ed. We'll take that first jump.

Ed, you're supposed to jump over the hedge, not eat it.

Well, it looked so high,

I thought I'd nibble it down a few feet.

Can't be more than 5 feet. I could hurdle this myself.

I got a feeling that's just what you'll be doing.

Ed, you don't feel that you can do it,

well, I'll forfeit the bet.

No, sir. I'm not gonna let that guy

push your face in the dirt anymore.

Attaboy, Ed.

All we have to do is think of a graceful way to weasel out.

- Will you make up your mind? - [hoofbeats]

Hey, here comes Karl now.

Hey, I must admit that McTavish is a beautiful horse.

He doesn't look very bright.

Hey, Wilbur,

invite Karl over for a cup of coffee.

Why?

Don't ask questions.

I've got an idea.

Go ahead.

Wilbur, what are you doing out here so early?

Oh, just checking the course.

I thought this barrier could be a little higher.

Well, the first one is always the smallest.

- They get bigger as you go along. - Oh.

How about a cup of coffee?

Good idea. I'll buy.

[clicks tongue] Come here, McTavish.

We'll just deduct it from the 500 you're gonna owe me,

Dippy, old boy.

[sputtering]

Well, thanks for the coffee, Karl.

Forget it. Well, I think I'll take McTavish

through a couple of jumps just to show you what you're up against.

Fine.

Come on, McTavish.

Ed, what did you do?

Never mind. Just don't laugh before it happens.

- Before what happens? - [whispering] Let's stand over there and just watch.

[whispering] Okay. Come on.

Let's show them a good jump, McTavish.

Ooh.

What did you do?

I got McTavish to join my club-- Cowards Anonymous.

I guess my horse got spooked at something.

I'll have to scratch him from the race.

Oh, that's a shame.

Wilbur, I'm gonna have to give you a check.

Uh, forget about it, Karl.

You really never stood a chance at all.

You see, there isn't another horse in the world like my Ed.

Remember one thing--

Dippy the water boy finally beat you.

Giddyap.

Ed, you don't have to do this, you know.

I've got to find out if I'm a jumper.

Well, okay. But be careful.

I don't want you to hurt yourself.

Hold tight now.

One of us may never come back.

Wilbur, say "giddyap."

Giddyap.

[Mister Ed whoops]

- We did it! We did it, Ed! - Yeah.

Get off, Wilbur. I think I'm gonna faint. [groans]

[Wilbur laughing]

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Serivices, Inc. Burbank, CA

[Man] This has been a Filmways television presentation.