Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated:
1
00:00:09,968 --> 00:00:11,845
[news intro sting plays]
2
00:00:11,886 --> 00:00:12,846
I'm Anderson Cooper,
3
00:00:12,887 --> 00:00:14,889
and this country
is the once-popular jock
4
00:00:14,931 --> 00:00:17,183
now selling tires behind
an abandoned Pizza Hut.
5
00:00:17,225 --> 00:00:19,894
Bob Woodward has done it again,
breaking the explosive story
6
00:00:19,936 --> 00:00:22,480
that President Trump
knew in early February
7
00:00:22,522 --> 00:00:24,190
about the dangers
of coronavirus.
8
00:00:24,232 --> 00:00:25,734
Woodward's super-secret source
9
00:00:25,775 --> 00:00:28,319
was 18 extended interviews
with the President himself.
10
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:30,530
Let's listen.
11
00:00:42,751 --> 00:00:45,003
Trump hit the trail
to defend himself.
12
00:00:45,045 --> 00:00:46,463
It's so nice to be here
13
00:00:46,504 --> 00:00:49,382
in the one part of America
that's not on fire.
14
00:00:49,424 --> 00:00:51,342
Everything's going great, folks!
15
00:00:51,384 --> 00:00:54,679
Don't believe anything you see,
hear, or feel deep inside.
16
00:00:54,721 --> 00:00:57,724
Forget about these Michael Cohen
and Bob Woodward books.
17
00:00:57,766 --> 00:00:59,392
I'll give you the CliffNotes.
18
00:00:59,434 --> 00:01:01,561
I wanted to be president again
more than I wanted
19
00:01:01,603 --> 00:01:03,730
to stop this deadly pandemic.
-[cheers and applause]
20
00:01:03,772 --> 00:01:06,649
Wow. You people
will cheer for anything!
21
00:01:06,691 --> 00:01:09,694
Get this -- I knew
how bad coronavirus would be
22
00:01:09,736 --> 00:01:11,571
and then lied about it
'cause I don't give a shit
23
00:01:11,613 --> 00:01:14,574
about anyone not named Trump!
-[cheers and applause]
24
00:01:14,616 --> 00:01:17,118
Geez. I probably won't
be voting for that guy.
25
00:01:17,160 --> 00:01:20,121
Anyway, I was gonna kick this
off with my law-and-order spiel,
26
00:01:20,163 --> 00:01:22,791
but for some reason,
people aren't buying my message
27
00:01:22,832 --> 00:01:26,461
of "I alone can clean up
the shit I took on your deck."
28
00:01:26,503 --> 00:01:27,796
But mark my words.
29
00:01:27,837 --> 00:01:30,548
If Biden wins,
I will not be here
30
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:33,718
to stop the chaos
I am constantly creating!
31
00:01:33,760 --> 00:01:35,261
-[cheers and applause]
-I have to admit,
32
00:01:35,303 --> 00:01:38,431
hearing you cheer is
the weirdest part of all this.
33
00:01:38,473 --> 00:01:40,016
None of you people have masks.
34
00:01:40,058 --> 00:01:42,602
And I thought the troops
died for nothing.
35
00:01:42,644 --> 00:01:44,813
I mean, is it worth
saving everyone?
36
00:01:44,854 --> 00:01:46,523
I didn't say soldiers were bad.
37
00:01:46,564 --> 00:01:48,983
I just said they were losers.
I love the troops.
38
00:01:49,025 --> 00:01:50,527
That's why I dodged the draft --
39
00:01:50,568 --> 00:01:53,780
to give the troops more space
to shiver in foxholes!
40
00:01:53,822 --> 00:01:55,573
[sighs happily]
I'm so glad I don't have to
41
00:01:55,615 --> 00:01:58,952
go on Tapper tomorrow
and mop up this shit geyser.
42
00:01:58,993 --> 00:02:00,411
I'm using your tax dollars
43
00:02:00,453 --> 00:02:03,164
to defend myself
against rape accusations.
44
00:02:03,206 --> 00:02:05,583
Do we love it?! We love it!
45
00:02:05,625 --> 00:02:07,752
[crowd cheering
and chanting "Trump!"]
46
00:02:07,794 --> 00:02:10,547
Still a good chance white women
will fuck this one up again.
47
00:02:10,588 --> 00:02:13,299
Okay.
Bye-bye forever, nobodies!
48
00:02:13,341 --> 00:02:16,636
Dakota was the name of a girl
Jeff Epstein introduced me to.
49
00:02:16,678 --> 00:02:18,138
Ooh, forget I said that.
50
00:02:18,179 --> 00:02:20,056
-[flames crackling]
-Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!
51
00:02:20,098 --> 00:02:22,350
I'm done looking these piggies
in the snout.
52
00:02:22,392 --> 00:02:23,852
Speed-round time.
53
00:02:23,893 --> 00:02:24,811
Drain the swamp!
54
00:02:24,853 --> 00:02:26,229
They're coming for the suburbs!
55
00:02:26,271 --> 00:02:27,647
QAnon is real!
56
00:02:27,689 --> 00:02:30,233
[man in crowd] Empty
your airplane toilet on us!
57
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:32,110
Life with COVID is surreal,
but watching crowds
58
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,903
cheer the man
who brought this hell upon us
59
00:02:33,945 --> 00:02:36,239
makes me feel like
I'm floating through space.
60
00:02:36,281 --> 00:02:37,615
Your thoughts,
Vice President Biden?
61
00:02:37,657 --> 00:02:39,617
Wowee!
I might win this thing!
62
00:02:39,659 --> 00:02:41,327
This guy's
eating shit harder
63
00:02:41,369 --> 00:02:43,580
than me in sexual-harassment
training!
64
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,623
Any system that produces
these two candidates
65
00:02:45,665 --> 00:02:46,916
is clearly broken.
66
00:02:49,294 --> 00:02:52,046
[muffled]
Virus? What virus?
67
00:02:55,550 --> 00:02:57,760
[President Trump]
February 2020,
68
00:02:57,802 --> 00:02:59,929
when I was a warrior king.
69
00:02:59,971 --> 00:03:03,141
The mighty Dow Jones
was a phoenix rising
70
00:03:03,183 --> 00:03:05,727
from the ashes
of the Obama-pocalypse,
71
00:03:05,768 --> 00:03:07,812
my Herculean impeachment battle
72
00:03:07,854 --> 00:03:10,690
completely overshadowed
Black History Month,
73
00:03:10,732 --> 00:03:13,193
I reigned victorious
at the White House
74
00:03:13,234 --> 00:03:16,196
"Cute as Cupid"
Valentine's Day Beauty Pageant,
75
00:03:16,237 --> 00:03:19,908
and I was a god
to my only child who matters.
76
00:03:19,949 --> 00:03:22,160
Then I must have opened
an umbrella indoors
77
00:03:22,202 --> 00:03:24,829
because stuff
went sideways quick.
78
00:03:24,871 --> 00:03:25,955
But don't worry!
79
00:03:25,997 --> 00:03:29,542
My unhinged cult
will never abandon me!
80
00:03:29,584 --> 00:03:32,462
Come on out. Don't be shy.
81
00:03:32,503 --> 00:03:35,340
I know.
I get shy around me, too.
82
00:03:35,381 --> 00:03:38,218
[Biden] The Obama-topia.
That was pretty good, huh?
83
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:41,721
My approval rating spiked
if I took a lick of rocky road,
84
00:03:41,763 --> 00:03:43,264
when I called
for a drone strike,
85
00:03:43,306 --> 00:03:45,225
it was done
before I could even say where,
86
00:03:45,266 --> 00:03:47,393
and I inspired
the total confidence
87
00:03:47,435 --> 00:03:50,104
of the only woman
who matters -- Jill Biden.
88
00:03:50,146 --> 00:03:52,106
Now I mostly just hang out
in my basement,
89
00:03:52,148 --> 00:03:53,566
taking leaks in the drain.
90
00:03:53,608 --> 00:03:54,984
Anyway, vote Biden!
91
00:03:55,026 --> 00:03:56,569
-[knock on door]
-[Officer] It's the police!
92
00:03:56,611 --> 00:03:59,739
We received 90,000 calls
for a wellness check.
93
00:03:59,781 --> 00:04:01,699
Hiya, Gary!
You got the wrong house again!
94
00:04:01,741 --> 00:04:03,243
Yeah, sure.
See you tomorrow.
95
00:04:03,284 --> 00:04:06,996
And just so you know, it's legal
to relieve myself in my drain!
96
00:04:07,038 --> 00:04:08,289
I checked!
97
00:04:08,331 --> 00:04:11,376
Ah, I wonder whatever happened
to that Barack Obama.
98
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:15,088
Probably licensing his name to
frozen food. That's my dream.
99
00:04:15,129 --> 00:04:17,882
Your dream is becoming
president, remember?
100
00:04:17,924 --> 00:04:20,426
"President Biden's
Frozen Flapjacks."
101
00:04:20,468 --> 00:04:22,220
I like the sound of that!
102
00:04:24,889 --> 00:04:26,474
[television surfing channels]
103
00:04:26,516 --> 00:04:28,685
-Dad. We were there.
-We saw it.
104
00:04:28,726 --> 00:04:30,687
I told you to shove
snapping turtles
105
00:04:30,728 --> 00:04:32,605
in every mailbox
so no one can vote.
106
00:04:32,647 --> 00:04:34,899
We didn't have time because
we were at your speech.
107
00:04:34,941 --> 00:04:36,776
I was in the back,
seeing if my balls
108
00:04:36,818 --> 00:04:38,111
could fit
in the cup holders.
109
00:04:38,152 --> 00:04:40,571
And I was helping him
with a shoehorn!
110
00:04:40,613 --> 00:04:41,948
The place was empty, Dad!
111
00:04:41,990 --> 00:04:43,741
Get your ass together
on this COVID thing,
112
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:45,159
or you're gonna lose
the election.
113
00:04:45,201 --> 00:04:46,953
COVID was
my first genocide, Don.
114
00:04:46,995 --> 00:04:48,830
We're all entitled
to one mistake.
115
00:04:48,871 --> 00:04:50,290
Whatever.
Come on, Eric.
116
00:04:50,331 --> 00:04:53,126
I think I saw an unlocked car
with a sticky cupholder.
117
00:04:53,167 --> 00:04:54,585
[Eric] Sick!
118
00:04:54,627 --> 00:04:57,422
[Jill] You know there's
a bathroom upstairs, right?
119
00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:58,965
Might as well
be on Everest!
120
00:04:59,007 --> 00:05:01,050
I'm not going to
mince words, sweetie --
121
00:05:01,092 --> 00:05:03,761
you're going to lose this race
if you stay in the basement.
122
00:05:03,803 --> 00:05:05,430
But my campaign's
doing great.
123
00:05:05,471 --> 00:05:07,140
I'm showing
I'd be a fine president
124
00:05:07,181 --> 00:05:09,684
if the White House magically
became a big basement.
125
00:05:09,726 --> 00:05:12,895
Joe, you used to be
everyone's racially clumsy
126
00:05:12,937 --> 00:05:14,605
but well-meaning uncle.
127
00:05:14,647 --> 00:05:16,941
This is how people
know you now.
128
00:05:16,983 --> 00:05:19,068
[voice glitching out]
129
00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:22,238
Hey, hey! That guy's funny!
Blap-blap, blap-blap-blap!
130
00:05:22,280 --> 00:05:24,449
The first time you ran
for president and lost,
131
00:05:24,490 --> 00:05:26,034
I kept my lips zipped.
132
00:05:26,075 --> 00:05:28,161
The second time,
I bit my tongue so hard,
133
00:05:28,202 --> 00:05:29,495
I got a staph infection.
134
00:05:29,537 --> 00:05:31,581
Ah, geez, folks!
I'm trying!
135
00:05:31,622 --> 00:05:34,375
And now when people ask
if you're stuck in the basement
136
00:05:34,417 --> 00:05:36,711
because your ass fused
to the couch cushions,
137
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:39,672
I grit my teeth so hard
I've cracked three molars!
138
00:05:39,714 --> 00:05:41,466
You should get a pair
of horse teeth.
139
00:05:41,507 --> 00:05:42,842
They never let me down.
140
00:05:42,884 --> 00:05:45,053
Just get out of the basement
and show everyone
141
00:05:45,094 --> 00:05:47,013
the Joe Biden
they know and love,
142
00:05:47,055 --> 00:05:49,140
or I'm sealing up
that drain.
143
00:05:49,182 --> 00:05:52,477
Alright. I'm gonna
go do a 35-mile jog.
144
00:05:52,518 --> 00:05:54,020
[Ivanka] Sorry I couldn't
make the rally.
145
00:05:54,062 --> 00:05:56,356
Jar-head and I just
liquidated our assets
146
00:05:56,397 --> 00:05:59,859
and bought the cutest unsellable
monstrosity in Washington.
147
00:05:59,901 --> 00:06:02,153
I'm not sure now's
a great time to buy...
148
00:06:02,195 --> 00:06:04,155
666 Thorny Cock Way.
149
00:06:04,197 --> 00:06:06,366
But there's plenty of
bankrupting properties
150
00:06:06,407 --> 00:06:07,784
in New York.
Stop it, Daddy.
151
00:06:07,825 --> 00:06:09,786
You are so going to
win this election.
152
00:06:09,827 --> 00:06:11,662
By the way, what's this rumor
that you're responsible
153
00:06:11,704 --> 00:06:13,623
for hundreds
of thousands of deaths?
154
00:06:13,664 --> 00:06:16,000
-Wow. Slow news day, huh?
-Whatever.
155
00:06:16,042 --> 00:06:18,211
As long as it doesn't affect
your reelection chances
156
00:06:18,252 --> 00:06:20,505
in the slightest,
I'll always love you.
157
00:06:21,964 --> 00:06:23,716
[President Trump]
I want to assure Americans
158
00:06:23,758 --> 00:06:25,134
worried about this pandemic
159
00:06:25,176 --> 00:06:26,886
that I have heard
your concerns...
160
00:06:26,928 --> 00:06:29,889
and smelled your FedExed
boxes of feces.
161
00:06:29,931 --> 00:06:31,724
From the moment
this virus threatened
162
00:06:31,766 --> 00:06:33,601
our great reelection of me,
163
00:06:33,643 --> 00:06:35,686
I have done
everything in my power
164
00:06:35,728 --> 00:06:37,814
during commercials
of Judge Jeanine.
165
00:06:37,855 --> 00:06:39,774
Please spend your
hard-earned credibility
166
00:06:39,816 --> 00:06:41,359
backing that up,
Dr. Birx.
167
00:06:41,401 --> 00:06:43,069
The President is correct.
168
00:06:43,111 --> 00:06:45,405
The fact that she doesn't
actually believe it
169
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:47,031
makes it
that much sweeter.
170
00:06:47,073 --> 00:06:49,033
As for Dr. Fauci,
he'd love to be here,
171
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,910
but he's on vacation
inside a snake pit.
172
00:06:50,952 --> 00:06:52,036
I'll take one question.
173
00:06:52,078 --> 00:06:53,663
-Mr. President!
-Come on!
174
00:06:53,704 --> 00:06:56,416
-Ahh...NBC, CNN...
-This is madness!
175
00:06:56,457 --> 00:06:58,000
Uh, let's go with OAN.
176
00:06:58,042 --> 00:06:59,669
President Trump,
obviously,
177
00:06:59,710 --> 00:07:01,754
you are the greatest
president in history...
178
00:07:01,796 --> 00:07:03,172
She said it! Not me!
179
00:07:03,214 --> 00:07:05,383
...but are you concerned
that your reelection chances
180
00:07:05,425 --> 00:07:07,802
will be affected by the country
smelling of death?
181
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,929
Whoa!
What the hell, OAN?!
182
00:07:09,971 --> 00:07:11,264
Sorry.
I live by a morgue,
183
00:07:11,305 --> 00:07:13,474
so this whole thing
affects me personally,
184
00:07:13,516 --> 00:07:14,934
and therefore
I now care about it.
185
00:07:14,976 --> 00:07:17,812
Not OAN! Why, God?!
186
00:07:17,854 --> 00:07:21,190
Who will regurgitate
my bullshit?!
187
00:07:21,232 --> 00:07:22,775
[sobbing wildly]
188
00:07:22,817 --> 00:07:26,571
[gritted teeth] Don't roll
your eyes. Don't do it.
189
00:07:26,612 --> 00:07:28,156
Damn it, Debbie.
Now you're a meme.
190
00:07:28,197 --> 00:07:31,242
[Pelosi] You're gonna
leave the basement?!
191
00:07:31,284 --> 00:07:32,618
Do you have a death wish?!
192
00:07:32,660 --> 00:07:34,078
This election's a layup.
193
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,705
Trump's faults
are so obvious,
194
00:07:35,746 --> 00:07:37,582
you don't even
have to point them out.
195
00:07:37,623 --> 00:07:39,625
We rarely do.
It's beneath us.
196
00:07:39,667 --> 00:07:41,502
But I'm glitchy,
and Jill said I need
197
00:07:41,544 --> 00:07:44,630
to get out of the basement,
or she'll close up my pee drain.
198
00:07:44,672 --> 00:07:46,007
Joe, stop.
199
00:07:46,048 --> 00:07:48,801
Obviously we can't keep you
locked in your basement.
200
00:07:48,843 --> 00:07:50,928
The cops are
asking questions.
201
00:07:50,970 --> 00:07:54,974
I think we can do this.
You have so much going for you.
202
00:07:55,016 --> 00:07:56,267
Oh, boy!
203
00:07:56,309 --> 00:07:59,520
You're the legendary Joe Biden.
People love you!
204
00:07:59,562 --> 00:08:01,606
You were Obama's
vice president!
205
00:08:01,647 --> 00:08:03,608
And that's just
for starters.
206
00:08:03,649 --> 00:08:05,943
You also, uh, uhh...
207
00:08:05,985 --> 00:08:08,321
Not that.
Definitely not that.
208
00:08:08,362 --> 00:08:09,906
Holy Lord, not that.
209
00:08:09,947 --> 00:08:13,159
Uh, y-you're the Obama guy!
-Obama!
210
00:08:13,201 --> 00:08:15,870
But you're gonna need
that best friend of yours.
211
00:08:15,912 --> 00:08:17,163
Strom Thurmond's dead.
212
00:08:17,205 --> 00:08:19,248
Well, I guess we can try
to Frankenstein him,
213
00:08:19,290 --> 00:08:21,167
but the forecast doesn't
call for lightning.
214
00:08:21,209 --> 00:08:24,462
-No. Obama.
-Oh, yeah. H-He's cool, too.
215
00:08:26,797 --> 00:08:28,758
I took a break from
packing up my office
216
00:08:28,799 --> 00:08:30,176
because I heard
you were sad
217
00:08:30,218 --> 00:08:32,345
and I thought that
would be funny to see.
218
00:08:32,386 --> 00:08:33,763
It's no use, Kellyanne.
219
00:08:33,804 --> 00:08:36,182
This pandemic has
destroyed countless lives
220
00:08:36,224 --> 00:08:38,518
and, worse,
my chance of reelection.
221
00:08:38,559 --> 00:08:39,894
Don't forget the economy.
222
00:08:39,936 --> 00:08:41,354
I had forgotten.
Thank you.
223
00:08:41,395 --> 00:08:43,940
You gotta stop talking
about the shared reality
224
00:08:43,981 --> 00:08:45,775
and start talking
about the reality
225
00:08:45,816 --> 00:08:47,193
you want people
to believe.
226
00:08:47,235 --> 00:08:49,028
You know how I say
I'm late to work
227
00:08:49,070 --> 00:08:50,780
because I'm
investigating staffers
228
00:08:50,821 --> 00:08:52,365
for leaking
to my reporter friends?
229
00:08:52,406 --> 00:08:54,784
I can't believe Kudlow
leaked what I told you
230
00:08:54,825 --> 00:08:56,244
in those one-on-one meetings.
231
00:08:56,285 --> 00:08:58,037
He didn't.
I'm actually late
232
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:00,039
from having morning hate-sex
with my husband.
233
00:09:00,081 --> 00:09:01,874
It stinks. Pee-yew!
234
00:09:01,916 --> 00:09:04,460
I still think Kudlow had
something to do with it.
235
00:09:04,502 --> 00:09:05,962
See?
236
00:09:06,003 --> 00:09:09,799
You wanted to believe my story,
and so you did.
237
00:09:09,840 --> 00:09:12,051
Wow!
Alright. I'll do it.
238
00:09:12,093 --> 00:09:14,387
I'll convince America
that this pandemic
239
00:09:14,428 --> 00:09:15,721
is whatever I say it is
240
00:09:15,763 --> 00:09:17,890
regardless of what
it actually is!
241
00:09:17,932 --> 00:09:19,809
I can't believe you have sex
with your spouse.
242
00:09:19,850 --> 00:09:21,561
What's that like?
243
00:09:21,602 --> 00:09:24,146
up-tempo music plays
244
00:09:24,188 --> 00:09:26,357
[President Trump]
My fellow Americans,
245
00:09:26,399 --> 00:09:29,277
I am vanquishing
the dreaded COVID-19,
246
00:09:29,318 --> 00:09:32,196
which began under Obama --
no one talks about that.
247
00:09:32,238 --> 00:09:34,240
Isn't that right,
my artery-clogged hype men
248
00:09:34,282 --> 00:09:36,075
Sean Hannity
and Rudy Giuliani?
249
00:09:36,117 --> 00:09:39,245
You heard him, corona!
Pack your pus and scram!
250
00:09:39,287 --> 00:09:41,914
I would be very scared if I were
that soggy little lung bug,
251
00:09:41,956 --> 00:09:43,374
and I ain't scared
of nothin'.
252
00:09:43,416 --> 00:09:45,501
I once had a spa day
with Lou Dobbs.
253
00:09:45,543 --> 00:09:47,378
You know how small
those towels are?
254
00:09:47,420 --> 00:09:48,963
Like a mouse's
handkerchief!
255
00:09:49,005 --> 00:09:51,007
And, incidentally,
during every bad part
256
00:09:51,048 --> 00:09:53,050
of the last six months,
Mike Pence was president.
257
00:09:53,092 --> 00:09:55,052
I accept
full responsibility
258
00:09:55,094 --> 00:09:56,887
and the proportionate
punishment --
259
00:09:56,929 --> 00:09:58,514
castration
by jackhammer.
260
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,266
[reporter] But Mike Pence
wasn't president.
261
00:10:00,308 --> 00:10:02,435
Damn it!
My story's one loophole.
262
00:10:02,476 --> 00:10:04,937
Let's still do that
castration thing, though.
263
00:10:04,979 --> 00:10:07,398
[Biden]
Folks! Look at this, huh?
264
00:10:07,440 --> 00:10:09,108
It's me -- Joe Biden!
265
00:10:09,150 --> 00:10:11,736
I'm a legend,
just like you remember.
266
00:10:11,777 --> 00:10:13,279
Vice President of America!
267
00:10:13,321 --> 00:10:15,781
Ain't that right,
Barack Obama?
268
00:10:15,823 --> 00:10:16,949
I selected him myself.
269
00:10:16,991 --> 00:10:18,451
Actually,
I put it to a vote.
270
00:10:18,492 --> 00:10:20,328
Joe beat Tim Kaine
five to four.
271
00:10:20,369 --> 00:10:22,246
Well, I'm still
the same old Joe,
272
00:10:22,288 --> 00:10:23,956
with a mouthful
of porcelain
273
00:10:23,998 --> 00:10:26,584
and a noseful
of your aunt's hairspray!
274
00:10:26,626 --> 00:10:29,211
Hey, Barack, this is
a big fuckin' deal!
275
00:10:29,253 --> 00:10:31,005
Remember that
old classic, folks?
276
00:10:31,047 --> 00:10:32,923
It's my legacy!
[slurps]
277
00:10:32,965 --> 00:10:35,176
Oh, crap!
Ice-cream headache!
278
00:10:35,217 --> 00:10:39,013
I'm not supposed to eat foods
above or below room temperature!
279
00:10:39,055 --> 00:10:40,640
-Joe, you fucking idiot!
-Ohh!
280
00:10:40,681 --> 00:10:42,642
-[beep]
-[narrator] And now a message
281
00:10:42,683 --> 00:10:44,727
from the President
of the United States.
282
00:10:44,769 --> 00:10:47,647
My fellow Americans,
after an exhaustive search,
283
00:10:47,688 --> 00:10:51,025
our intelligence apparatus
has tracked coronavirus
284
00:10:51,067 --> 00:10:53,152
to the foothills
of Afghanistan.
285
00:10:53,194 --> 00:10:56,113
Tonight I authorized
a precision airstrike
286
00:10:56,155 --> 00:10:58,199
and have been assured
that coronavirus
287
00:10:58,240 --> 00:11:00,326
is gravely wounded
and on the run.
288
00:11:00,368 --> 00:11:03,037
Side note -- its virus wife
is back on the market.
289
00:11:03,079 --> 00:11:05,164
No one deserves
to be lonely, folks.
290
00:11:05,206 --> 00:11:07,375
[news intro music plays]
291
00:11:09,251 --> 00:11:11,587
I'm Wolf Blitzer,
and when this is all over,
292
00:11:11,629 --> 00:11:14,465
I will tell my neighborhood
crossing guard my true feelings.
293
00:11:14,507 --> 00:11:18,177
Breaking news -- tonight's
so-called "precision airstrike"
294
00:11:18,219 --> 00:11:21,097
leveled an art museum,
wastewater treatment plant,
295
00:11:21,138 --> 00:11:24,308
and factory
that makes N95 masks.
296
00:11:24,350 --> 00:11:26,185
At least it's a good
conversation starter
297
00:11:26,227 --> 00:11:27,770
for me
and my crossing guard.
298
00:11:27,812 --> 00:11:30,981
[Biden] What do we do, Barack?
That ice-cream headache
299
00:11:31,023 --> 00:11:33,067
just reminded people
of basement Biden.
300
00:11:33,109 --> 00:11:34,527
Hey, whatcha got there?
301
00:11:34,568 --> 00:11:37,196
Ah, it's all the greatest
moments from your glory years.
302
00:11:37,238 --> 00:11:40,616
I'm just looking
for ideas, patterns...
303
00:11:40,658 --> 00:11:42,201
something.
304
00:11:42,243 --> 00:11:43,160
Hmm.
305
00:11:43,202 --> 00:11:44,704
Joe, for our next appearance,
306
00:11:44,745 --> 00:11:47,289
what if you tried taking
a step out of the spotlight?
307
00:11:47,331 --> 00:11:49,041
Back to the basement!
Great!
308
00:11:49,083 --> 00:11:50,418
I haven't taken a whiz
in days.
309
00:11:50,459 --> 00:11:52,378
Uh, you're not going
in the basement, Joe.
310
00:11:52,420 --> 00:11:54,255
You're going someplace
completely outside
311
00:11:54,296 --> 00:11:55,381
of the public eye.
Right.
312
00:11:55,423 --> 00:11:57,508
A true legend
leaves room for mystery.
313
00:11:57,550 --> 00:11:59,135
Can I still
take a whiz there?
314
00:11:59,176 --> 00:12:01,554
If we put you
in a storm drain, you can.
315
00:12:03,723 --> 00:12:05,141
[President Trump]
I tried two things,
316
00:12:05,182 --> 00:12:06,559
and the things didn't work.
I quit.
317
00:12:06,600 --> 00:12:08,436
Enough with
these little lies.
318
00:12:08,477 --> 00:12:10,354
We gotta go with
a lie so colossal
319
00:12:10,396 --> 00:12:12,231
that people couldn't imagine
we'd lie that big.
320
00:12:12,273 --> 00:12:14,150
Little strategy I learned
from a German author.
321
00:12:14,191 --> 00:12:15,693
It was Hitler.
322
00:12:15,735 --> 00:12:17,987
All I know is I spent weeks
on the Seth Rich case,
323
00:12:18,028 --> 00:12:19,739
and when it turned out
to be nothing,
324
00:12:19,780 --> 00:12:21,449
I just screamed,
"Case closed!"
325
00:12:21,490 --> 00:12:24,410
and banged a gavel till
they wheeled in a new desk.
326
00:12:24,452 --> 00:12:27,246
Man, I'd have to be a real
lunatic to declare victory
327
00:12:27,288 --> 00:12:29,373
and knowingly put
people's lives at risk.
328
00:12:29,415 --> 00:12:33,544
Victory! I did it!
Yay, me!
329
00:12:33,586 --> 00:12:36,130
Touch your faces
to completion, folks,
330
00:12:36,172 --> 00:12:39,091
because this crisis
is done-zo!
331
00:12:39,133 --> 00:12:42,845
But don't take it from me.
Take it from a doctor!
332
00:12:42,887 --> 00:12:44,847
[flatly] Coronavirus
has been vanquished.
333
00:12:44,889 --> 00:12:48,309
I congratulate President Trump
on his historic triumph.
334
00:12:48,350 --> 00:12:50,936
Now, that was pained!
Yummy!
335
00:12:50,978 --> 00:12:53,773
I'd love to take all the credit
for this victory, so I will.
336
00:12:53,814 --> 00:12:55,983
Trump! Trump!
-[crowd chanting] Trump! Trump!
337
00:12:56,025 --> 00:12:58,194
Yay, Daddy!
I can finally have
338
00:12:58,235 --> 00:13:01,989
the Saudi Royal Family over
for a bone-saw swap!
339
00:13:02,031 --> 00:13:03,282
[jet engines rumbling]
340
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,910
[military march playing]
341
00:13:05,951 --> 00:13:08,120
Right now,
a few blocks up the road,
342
00:13:08,162 --> 00:13:09,580
some folks are declaring
343
00:13:09,622 --> 00:13:12,124
a premature victory
over this crisis,
344
00:13:12,166 --> 00:13:14,043
but that's not
what leadership looks like.
345
00:13:14,084 --> 00:13:15,920
Joe Biden faces challenges
head on.
346
00:13:15,961 --> 00:13:19,173
And he also knows the power of
leading inaudibly from behind.
347
00:13:19,215 --> 00:13:20,591
Isn't that right, Joe?
348
00:13:20,633 --> 00:13:23,302
We need a president
with his heart in the fight
349
00:13:23,344 --> 00:13:25,513
and his shoes
in your piss water!
350
00:13:25,554 --> 00:13:27,431
-[crowd cheering and whistling]
-[Obama] Vote Joe!
351
00:13:27,473 --> 00:13:30,184
Say it, or say goodbye to next
summer's Aspen Ideas Festival.
352
00:13:30,226 --> 00:13:31,560
[both] Vote Joe!
353
00:13:31,602 --> 00:13:34,480
Or I'll staple your ass
to your knee caps!
354
00:13:35,481 --> 00:13:38,275
[President Trump] Wow!
That was great, huh?
355
00:13:38,317 --> 00:13:39,860
I got so many thumbs up
from guys
356
00:13:39,902 --> 00:13:42,780
with a dozen strands of hair
that they grow 18 inches long
357
00:13:42,822 --> 00:13:45,324
and dye the color of
a freshly tarred highway!
358
00:13:45,366 --> 00:13:46,992
Yeah, yeah.
It was something.
359
00:13:47,034 --> 00:13:48,828
So, good news
and bad news.
360
00:13:48,869 --> 00:13:51,330
The good news -- the parade
was a massive success,
361
00:13:51,372 --> 00:13:53,165
and your poll numbers
spiked higher
362
00:13:53,207 --> 00:13:54,625
than during
your impeachment!
363
00:13:54,667 --> 00:13:57,294
Better times. Remind me to
send Pelosi a Starbucks card.
364
00:13:57,336 --> 00:13:58,838
What's the bad news?
365
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:00,798
The parade caused a massive
coronavirus outbreak,
366
00:14:00,840 --> 00:14:02,675
and now your poll numbers
are in the toilet.
367
00:14:02,716 --> 00:14:05,094
And not just any toilet.
My toilet.
368
00:14:05,135 --> 00:14:07,513
Wait a minute.
That was actual bad news!
369
00:14:07,555 --> 00:14:09,890
I thought you meant "bad"
like "bad dude with attitude."
370
00:14:09,932 --> 00:14:12,518
Hey! Don't forget to send
Pelosi that Starbucks card!
371
00:14:12,560 --> 00:14:15,187
Remind him later, bozo!
He just said it.
372
00:14:15,229 --> 00:14:18,691
Okay. There are nicer ways
to phrase that.
373
00:14:19,692 --> 00:14:21,861
[photographer]
The camera loves you centrists!
374
00:14:21,902 --> 00:14:25,573
Now smile like you just heard
a Kennedy wants to primary AOC.
375
00:14:25,614 --> 00:14:26,699
This is fun!
376
00:14:26,740 --> 00:14:29,660
And the best part is
I cannot foresee a downside.
377
00:14:29,702 --> 00:14:31,161
You earned it, buddy.
378
00:14:31,203 --> 00:14:32,830
You sure did,
Silver Alert.
379
00:14:32,872 --> 00:14:36,041
Once again the best man won!
[muttered swearing]
380
00:14:36,083 --> 00:14:38,210
H-Hey, I'm getting
Deputy Chief of Staff
381
00:14:38,252 --> 00:14:41,213
of Veterans Affairs,
right?
382
00:14:41,255 --> 00:14:42,548
Uh, chilly out here.
383
00:14:42,590 --> 00:14:44,341
Let's go inside and take
some more photographs.
384
00:14:44,383 --> 00:14:46,886
Rats are gnawing on my ankle.
Just gimme a sec.
385
00:14:46,927 --> 00:14:48,888
Oh, you should hang back.
People are just starting
386
00:14:48,929 --> 00:14:51,015
to believe the legend
of Joe Biden again.
387
00:14:51,056 --> 00:14:52,683
The real Joe Biden
would only confuse them.
388
00:14:52,725 --> 00:14:55,060
Sure, yeah.
I'll just be in the drain.
389
00:14:55,102 --> 00:14:58,272
Let me know if you need a few
decades' worth of lost frisbees.
390
00:14:58,314 --> 00:15:00,482
[lights click]
391
00:15:00,524 --> 00:15:03,402
[President Trump]
I know many of you are concerned
392
00:15:03,444 --> 00:15:06,572
about the massive coronavirus
outbreak at my parade.
393
00:15:06,614 --> 00:15:08,115
There must have been
80,000 people there!
394
00:15:08,157 --> 00:15:09,700
[crowd member]
That's a bad thing!
395
00:15:09,742 --> 00:15:12,703
It's time we all stopped
worrying about this pandemic.
396
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:15,789
When you think about it, isn't
death actually kind of good?
397
00:15:15,831 --> 00:15:17,041
Uh, yeah, no!
398
00:15:17,082 --> 00:15:19,209
Either way,
it's nothing to fear,
399
00:15:19,251 --> 00:15:21,670
because everyone who is dead
is not you.
400
00:15:21,712 --> 00:15:25,591
Yeah, but everyone dies
eventually, yourself included.
401
00:15:25,633 --> 00:15:27,259
[gasps]
402
00:15:28,135 --> 00:15:31,013
Uh, what's happening
right now?
403
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:33,098
Oh, my God!
Is this the first time
404
00:15:33,140 --> 00:15:35,768
you've thought about
your own mortality?
405
00:15:35,809 --> 00:15:39,104
Jesus. Uhh...
I didn't mean it, buddy.
406
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:40,773
You're not gonna die.
-Oh!
407
00:15:40,814 --> 00:15:45,277
And many people are calling it
the biggest parade of all time!
408
00:15:46,070 --> 00:15:47,655
Holy shit, dude.
409
00:15:47,696 --> 00:15:49,615
-[rats squeaking]
-[Biden] Dang you, rat!
410
00:15:49,657 --> 00:15:51,492
Isn't there another
presidential candidate
411
00:15:51,533 --> 00:15:53,619
living in the storm drain
you can gnaw on?
412
00:15:53,661 --> 00:15:56,080
Hope you're happy, Joe.
You're trending on Twitter,
413
00:15:56,121 --> 00:15:57,957
and I just cracked
a filling.
414
00:15:57,998 --> 00:15:59,333
"Spiderweb Legend"?
415
00:15:59,375 --> 00:16:01,418
So why don't I feel
like a legend?
416
00:16:01,460 --> 00:16:04,380
Because you're two seconds
from getting bubonic plague.
417
00:16:04,421 --> 00:16:05,714
Being in the storm drain
418
00:16:05,756 --> 00:16:07,925
is no better than being
in the basement.
419
00:16:07,967 --> 00:16:11,011
When I told you to get out
there, I meant above ground!
420
00:16:11,053 --> 00:16:12,471
The Democrats won't let me.
421
00:16:12,513 --> 00:16:14,348
They don't want me
stepping in shit out there,
422
00:16:14,390 --> 00:16:16,642
so they have me
standing in shit down here.
423
00:16:16,684 --> 00:16:19,812
Aren't those the same Einsteins
that lost to Donald Trump?
424
00:16:19,853 --> 00:16:22,272
-Not twice!
-I've spent the last 40 years
425
00:16:22,314 --> 00:16:24,358
smiling through
your missteps, Joe.
426
00:16:24,400 --> 00:16:26,652
If you don't win,
it was all for nothing.
427
00:16:26,694 --> 00:16:29,530
And when Dick Durbin's wife
asks how my husband
428
00:16:29,571 --> 00:16:31,991
lost to the worst
president in history,
429
00:16:32,032 --> 00:16:33,659
I might just frickin'
lose it!
430
00:16:33,701 --> 00:16:35,411
I'm on the edge, Joe!
-[crack]
431
00:16:35,452 --> 00:16:37,329
Shit!
There goes another molar.
432
00:16:37,371 --> 00:16:40,541
Alright. I'm gonna go
squeeze in another 35 miles.
433
00:16:40,582 --> 00:16:43,585
[Ivanka moaning loudly]
434
00:16:43,627 --> 00:16:46,005
Shut your ass, Ivanka!
God!
435
00:16:46,046 --> 00:16:49,008
Did you see your name
in alphabet soup and faint?!
436
00:16:49,049 --> 00:16:51,510
-What happened?
-[weakly] I've been struck down
437
00:16:51,552 --> 00:16:55,055
in my prime
by the dreaded coronavirus.
438
00:16:55,097 --> 00:16:58,183
Uh, you were outside, and
now your skin feels stingy?
439
00:16:58,225 --> 00:16:59,810
It's friggin' sunburn!
440
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:02,938
Goodbye, beloved
IG Live followers.
441
00:17:02,980 --> 00:17:05,691
I'll always cherish
the time Kylie Jenner
442
00:17:05,733 --> 00:17:09,028
accidentally tuned in
for like one second.
443
00:17:09,069 --> 00:17:10,696
This is all my fault.
444
00:17:10,738 --> 00:17:13,365
Donald Trump
is but a mortal man,
445
00:17:13,407 --> 00:17:16,744
defenseless against this
all-powerful virus!
446
00:17:16,785 --> 00:17:17,870
It's sunburn!
447
00:17:17,911 --> 00:17:19,663
I believed in you, Daddy.
448
00:17:19,705 --> 00:17:23,500
But now I believe in modern
[muffled] medicine.
449
00:17:23,542 --> 00:17:25,544
[brightly] Okay, I just
felt a cold gust of air
450
00:17:25,586 --> 00:17:27,880
that made me feel
100% better.
451
00:17:27,921 --> 00:17:30,716
[weakly] But who knows
how long that will last!
452
00:17:30,758 --> 00:17:33,385
dramatic chord strikes
453
00:17:33,427 --> 00:17:36,930
twinkling music playing
454
00:17:36,972 --> 00:17:39,058
Holy crap! I'm president!
455
00:17:39,099 --> 00:17:40,809
I have unlimited power!
456
00:17:40,851 --> 00:17:43,479
It's your commander-in-chief.
End bussing now!
457
00:17:43,520 --> 00:17:45,898
[Legend of Biden] Hey!
What are you doing in my seat?
458
00:17:45,939 --> 00:17:47,775
You didn't win the election.
I won it.
459
00:17:47,816 --> 00:17:49,985
What are you talking about?
I'm Joe Biden.
460
00:17:50,027 --> 00:17:51,987
But I'm the Legend
of Joe Biden,
461
00:17:52,029 --> 00:17:54,364
the guy the people
actually voted for.
462
00:17:54,406 --> 00:17:57,284
You're just a glitchy guy
in a storm drain.
463
00:17:57,326 --> 00:18:00,412
Hey, check out my new line
of frozen food!
464
00:18:00,454 --> 00:18:03,957
Ooh! Those should be
my flapjacks!
465
00:18:03,999 --> 00:18:05,000
[whoosh]
466
00:18:05,042 --> 00:18:08,962
MY FL-A-A-APJ-A-A-ACKS!
467
00:18:09,004 --> 00:18:10,839
[President Trump]
Well, the screeching mob
468
00:18:10,881 --> 00:18:12,925
should be smashing
through the windows soon.
469
00:18:12,966 --> 00:18:16,053
I just pray they kill Don first
so I get to see it.
470
00:18:16,095 --> 00:18:18,764
That's it! I'm tipping
your ass on your ass.
471
00:18:18,806 --> 00:18:22,017
[grunting]
-Don, why are you doing that?
472
00:18:22,059 --> 00:18:24,812
Because this is just
like in every Batman
473
00:18:24,853 --> 00:18:27,439
when Batman
quits being Batman!
474
00:18:27,481 --> 00:18:29,942
It lasts 20 minutes, and
I scream at the projectionist
475
00:18:29,983 --> 00:18:31,944
till it's done
'cause it sucks!
476
00:18:31,985 --> 00:18:35,280
-I'm not Batman, Don.
-Yes, the frick you are!
477
00:18:35,322 --> 00:18:37,950
And the citizens of
Gotham-America need you,
478
00:18:37,991 --> 00:18:40,160
'cause if they don't believe
you're handling shit,
479
00:18:40,202 --> 00:18:41,620
reality sucks.
480
00:18:41,662 --> 00:18:44,581
They need a hero
who gives them hope.
481
00:18:44,623 --> 00:18:46,166
-Yeah!
-Oh, Eric, how's
482
00:18:46,208 --> 00:18:48,794
the ankle sprain from
jumping into the conversation?!
483
00:18:48,836 --> 00:18:50,546
You know
I don't have ankles!
484
00:18:50,587 --> 00:18:52,798
But the truth just hurts
my reelection chances,
485
00:18:52,840 --> 00:18:55,384
and my lies just
make coronavirus worse.
486
00:18:55,425 --> 00:18:57,302
It's kick-ass
showdown time!
487
00:18:57,344 --> 00:18:58,470
In front of the country,
488
00:18:58,512 --> 00:19:01,014
you have to actually
defeat coronavirus
489
00:19:01,056 --> 00:19:04,518
or, barring that, a guy
in a coronavirus costume.
490
00:19:04,560 --> 00:19:06,478
Which is easier --
curing coronavirus
491
00:19:06,520 --> 00:19:08,355
or buying
a coronavirus costume?
492
00:19:08,397 --> 00:19:11,525
We're about to find out.
493
00:19:11,567 --> 00:19:13,735
Okay, but can we talk
hair-and-makeup budget?
494
00:19:13,777 --> 00:19:15,737
[grunting]
Let's gooooooo!
495
00:19:15,779 --> 00:19:18,782
up-tempo folk music plays
496
00:19:23,453 --> 00:19:27,207
Barack says I'm on top now
497
00:19:27,249 --> 00:19:29,668
But I feel so low
498
00:19:29,710 --> 00:19:31,086
What happened to...
499
00:19:31,128 --> 00:19:32,337
Ow!
500
00:19:32,379 --> 00:19:34,089
...the glory days of Joe?
501
00:19:34,131 --> 00:19:37,050
C'mon, mouse!
Stop bitin' me and sing along!
502
00:19:37,092 --> 00:19:40,637
Ha-daaaiii, daii daii daii
503
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:41,930
Daii daii
504
00:19:41,972 --> 00:19:43,348
Ow! Hockey puck?!
505
00:19:43,390 --> 00:19:46,059
How are you playing those
two sports so close together?
506
00:19:46,101 --> 00:19:48,562
[Obama] Hello,
longtime associate.
507
00:19:48,604 --> 00:19:50,272
I brought you
some dry socks.
508
00:19:50,314 --> 00:19:52,441
Thanks. The rats
stole my other pair,
509
00:19:52,482 --> 00:19:54,401
and now they use them
like sleeping bags.
510
00:19:54,443 --> 00:19:56,028
Well, it's actually
pretty cute.
511
00:19:56,069 --> 00:19:59,031
Joe, I was watching Trump's
shortsighted victory parade,
512
00:19:59,072 --> 00:20:01,950
and I realized the Democratic
Party is doing that with you.
513
00:20:01,992 --> 00:20:04,119
We're declaring victory
without putting in the work.
514
00:20:04,161 --> 00:20:07,206
The absence of Joe Biden
is not gonna defeat Trump.
515
00:20:07,247 --> 00:20:08,665
The presence
of Joe Biden is.
516
00:20:08,707 --> 00:20:10,083
But I'll just mess it up!
517
00:20:10,125 --> 00:20:12,127
I'll probably say,
"Unless you vote Democrat,
518
00:20:12,169 --> 00:20:13,629
you're not Filipino."
519
00:20:13,670 --> 00:20:16,423
Trump's responsible for hundreds
of thousands of deaths.
520
00:20:16,465 --> 00:20:17,591
You got room for error.
521
00:20:17,633 --> 00:20:19,051
I also voted
for the Iraq war.
522
00:20:19,092 --> 00:20:21,053
Maybe you should
stay in the drain.
523
00:20:21,094 --> 00:20:22,721
No, no, I-I'm inspired!
524
00:20:22,763 --> 00:20:24,640
Then let's find you
a shower.
525
00:20:24,681 --> 00:20:26,600
You know what?
I'm gonna stay stinky.
526
00:20:26,642 --> 00:20:29,019
It makes me seem authentic.
Folksy, even.
527
00:20:29,061 --> 00:20:31,980
See? You had it
in you all along.
528
00:20:34,608 --> 00:20:36,902
thunderous music plays
529
00:20:39,112 --> 00:20:40,697
[grunting]
530
00:20:42,574 --> 00:20:44,409
All I'm saying
is Jerry Falwell Jr.
531
00:20:44,451 --> 00:20:46,453
is a cool guy
who likes to have fun.
532
00:20:49,039 --> 00:20:51,083
-[feedback whines]
-Testing. Testing.
533
00:20:51,124 --> 00:20:53,126
Sounds kinda tinny.
534
00:20:53,168 --> 00:20:55,295
[armor shings]
535
00:21:06,390 --> 00:21:08,433
[sword shings]
536
00:21:08,475 --> 00:21:10,602
[flames whoosh]
537
00:21:15,232 --> 00:21:17,192
[sirens wailing, horn blaring]
538
00:21:17,234 --> 00:21:21,029
[news intro music plays]
539
00:21:21,071 --> 00:21:23,490
We go now live to
the Washington Monument,
540
00:21:23,532 --> 00:21:25,075
where the President has produced
541
00:21:25,117 --> 00:21:27,160
an elaborate stage play
of some kind.
542
00:21:27,202 --> 00:21:28,662
I'm anchoring the big show,
543
00:21:28,704 --> 00:21:30,831
but you ain't getting none
of this, crossing guard.
544
00:21:30,872 --> 00:21:33,792
Who am I kidding? I want to
be with you forever, girl.
545
00:21:33,834 --> 00:21:35,961
[Hannity] Ladies...
546
00:21:36,003 --> 00:21:38,630
and, more importantly,
gentlemen!
547
00:21:38,672 --> 00:21:40,882
You are about to witness
548
00:21:40,924 --> 00:21:44,052
the most jaw-dropping,
nail-biting,
549
00:21:44,094 --> 00:21:47,806
balls-out battle royale
of all time!
550
00:21:47,848 --> 00:21:51,643
President Trump vs. Coronavirus!
551
00:21:51,685 --> 00:21:53,312
[Eric] Ivanka, look!
552
00:21:53,353 --> 00:21:54,646
Dad's avenging you!
553
00:21:54,688 --> 00:21:56,690
It's! Friggin'!
Sunburn!
554
00:21:56,732 --> 00:21:59,401
[weak shivering]
555
00:21:59,443 --> 00:22:02,404
This is it, Joe. But you're
gonna say something backwards.
556
00:22:02,446 --> 00:22:05,324
But you gotta go out there
and make Jill proud!
557
00:22:05,365 --> 00:22:06,742
[Jill] You can do this, Joe.
558
00:22:06,783 --> 00:22:08,785
Get out of the friggin'
storm drain!
559
00:22:08,827 --> 00:22:10,829
[Giuliani]
Now entering the arena,
560
00:22:10,871 --> 00:22:12,748
President Tr-u-u-u--
-[Hannity] Rudy!
561
00:22:12,789 --> 00:22:14,416
I'm the announcer!
-[Giuliani] What?
562
00:22:14,458 --> 00:22:16,293
I thought I could put
a little mustard on it.
563
00:22:16,335 --> 00:22:18,003
[Hannity]
What is with you this week?
564
00:22:18,045 --> 00:22:21,381
Please welcome President Trump!
565
00:22:21,423 --> 00:22:22,674
[metal clanging]
566
00:22:22,716 --> 00:22:25,969
[grunting]
567
00:22:27,137 --> 00:22:30,849
It is I, Beast-man Trump,
"The White Blade,"
568
00:22:30,891 --> 00:22:34,686
here to exact righteous revenge
upon Coronavirus,
569
00:22:34,728 --> 00:22:37,064
"The Low Class Lightweight."
570
00:22:37,105 --> 00:22:38,732
[crowd-cheer sound effect
on stereo]
571
00:22:38,774 --> 00:22:41,818
Time to end this
once and for all!
572
00:22:41,860 --> 00:22:44,154
Show yourself, Coronavirus!
573
00:22:44,196 --> 00:22:46,031
[Melania speaking flatly]
Help. Someone. Please.
574
00:22:46,073 --> 00:22:47,699
Yadda yadda.
But wait.
575
00:22:47,741 --> 00:22:49,701
That sounds like --
Oh, no!
576
00:22:49,743 --> 00:22:53,372
Coronavirus has captured
my one true third wife!
577
00:22:53,413 --> 00:22:55,374
Is that the President
of the United States
578
00:22:55,415 --> 00:22:56,708
in a Viking costume?
579
00:22:56,750 --> 00:22:58,418
Hurry up so I can start
circling the stuff
580
00:22:58,460 --> 00:23:01,463
you're going to buy me in the
Oscar de la Renta collection.
581
00:23:01,505 --> 00:23:02,714
[Eric] Oh, no!
582
00:23:02,756 --> 00:23:04,549
Coronavirus
kidnapped that lady
583
00:23:04,591 --> 00:23:06,968
who reads smutty books
in the dumbwaiter!
584
00:23:07,010 --> 00:23:08,678
-[laughs evilly]
-[Hannity] Oh, no!
585
00:23:08,720 --> 00:23:10,639
It's the dreaded
Coronavirus!
586
00:23:10,680 --> 00:23:13,600
-Any last words, Melania?
-I'm good.
587
00:23:13,642 --> 00:23:16,311
Die, you bast-- Wait.
Who the hell is that?
588
00:23:16,353 --> 00:23:19,981
Ugh. It's Joe Biden. And he
smells absolutely terrible.
589
00:23:20,023 --> 00:23:21,900
[Jill]
Do it, Joe! Beat his ass
590
00:23:21,942 --> 00:23:25,278
and justify our lifetime
of political maneuvering!
591
00:23:25,320 --> 00:23:27,239
Stop this malarkey!
592
00:23:27,280 --> 00:23:29,908
The Democrats want me
to camp in a storm drain
593
00:23:29,950 --> 00:23:31,868
'cause they think
the Legend of Joe Biden
594
00:23:31,910 --> 00:23:34,621
is the guy with the nicest
leather jacket at the dance.
595
00:23:34,663 --> 00:23:35,914
But guess what, Jack.
596
00:23:35,956 --> 00:23:38,250
The legendary Joe Biden
never existed.
597
00:23:38,291 --> 00:23:40,585
For 50 years, I've been
blowing in people's ears
598
00:23:40,627 --> 00:23:43,213
and entertaining dinner parties
with ethnic accents.
599
00:23:43,255 --> 00:23:45,424
But that's why everyday folks
like me,
600
00:23:45,465 --> 00:23:48,427
even though I was locking a
whole mess of 'em up in prison,
601
00:23:48,468 --> 00:23:49,970
voting to send 'em
to Iraq --
602
00:23:50,011 --> 00:23:51,596
Joe! Leave some
mystery, okay?
603
00:23:51,638 --> 00:23:54,266
Right! And that's how I'm
gonna beat Trump, folks --
604
00:23:54,307 --> 00:23:58,603
by being the incoherent everyman
who kills a lot less people.
605
00:23:58,645 --> 00:24:00,063
Not including Iraqis.
606
00:24:00,105 --> 00:24:02,691
Three times a charm,
Joey baby!
607
00:24:02,732 --> 00:24:04,443
Take that, Loretta Durbin!
608
00:24:04,484 --> 00:24:06,987
Look, Joe, we had a whole
production worked out,
609
00:24:07,028 --> 00:24:09,656
so either I'm coming at you with
this flaming sword, or Pence.
610
00:24:09,698 --> 00:24:10,782
Your call.
611
00:24:10,824 --> 00:24:13,618
Have at him!
That's what VPs are for!
612
00:24:13,660 --> 00:24:15,745
[grunting]
613
00:24:15,787 --> 00:24:18,540
Gaaah!
614
00:24:18,582 --> 00:24:19,958
[scraping]
615
00:24:20,000 --> 00:24:22,669
Oh, no. Is this
how I meet my maker --
616
00:24:22,711 --> 00:24:25,797
a bioweapons scientist
in Wuhan?
617
00:24:25,839 --> 00:24:28,133
No. It's not!
618
00:24:28,175 --> 00:24:29,384
[all gasp]
619
00:24:29,426 --> 00:24:30,969
If I vanquish Coronavirus,
620
00:24:31,011 --> 00:24:33,722
as I've proven tonight
that I easily could,
621
00:24:33,763 --> 00:24:35,724
then this exciting battle
will be over.
622
00:24:35,765 --> 00:24:37,184
And nobody wants that,
623
00:24:37,225 --> 00:24:39,269
besides nurses,
first responders,
624
00:24:39,311 --> 00:24:41,813
and other non-celebrities
no one cares about.
625
00:24:41,855 --> 00:24:44,065
No one's looking, Debbie.
Treat yourself to an eye-roll.
626
00:24:44,107 --> 00:24:47,694
Ahhhhhh.
That feels so good.
627
00:24:47,736 --> 00:24:49,237
Reality is terrifying.
628
00:24:49,279 --> 00:24:51,573
Have you ever thought
about your own mortality?
629
00:24:51,615 --> 00:24:52,991
Not great.
630
00:24:53,033 --> 00:24:55,035
So let's choose to believe
something cooler,
631
00:24:55,076 --> 00:24:57,996
that I'm the dashing hero
with the diamond-cutter abs
632
00:24:58,038 --> 00:25:01,249
and Coronavirus is
my eternal, perpetual nemesis
633
00:25:01,291 --> 00:25:05,170
who I'll never stop fighting in
a string of diminishing sequels.
634
00:25:05,212 --> 00:25:07,339
Sounds fun, right?
We like it?
635
00:25:07,380 --> 00:25:10,091
-Yes!
-Yeah! Hooray, warrior Daddy!
636
00:25:10,133 --> 00:25:11,843
Ivanka!
You're all better!
637
00:25:11,885 --> 00:25:14,054
[gasps]
It's a miracle!
638
00:25:14,095 --> 00:25:16,056
Is the miracle
called aloe vera,
639
00:25:16,097 --> 00:25:19,684
an all-natural gel commonly
used to treat sunburn?!
640
00:25:19,726 --> 00:25:23,146
Just to clarify, I'm not
just letting Coronavirus go
641
00:25:23,188 --> 00:25:25,106
because I couldn't lift
my big sword.
642
00:25:25,148 --> 00:25:28,026
The sword isn't even that heavy.
It's like nothing to me.
643
00:25:28,068 --> 00:25:29,319
[Melania] Bullshit.
644
00:25:29,361 --> 00:25:32,572
Look, I had something
made up for you.
645
00:25:32,614 --> 00:25:34,824
[gasps]
It's my dream come true!
646
00:25:34,866 --> 00:25:36,451
Uh-uh-uh.
You have to wait
647
00:25:36,493 --> 00:25:38,828
until after you're president
to sell them.
648
00:25:38,870 --> 00:25:40,539
It's called
the Emoluments Clause.
649
00:25:40,580 --> 00:25:41,915
That stinks!
650
00:25:41,957 --> 00:25:43,875
Why did you show this to me?
Do you hate me?
651
00:25:43,917 --> 00:25:45,252
Okay.
I'm putting it away.
652
00:25:45,293 --> 00:25:47,837
No, no, no, no.
I'll be good. I'll be good.
653
00:25:47,879 --> 00:25:50,382
Hey, I-I got you
something, too.
654
00:25:50,423 --> 00:25:52,801
My horse-teeth guy
hooked you up real nice.
655
00:25:52,842 --> 00:25:54,553
The election's
still a ways away,
656
00:25:54,594 --> 00:25:57,347
so you're gonna need to do
a lot more grinnin' and bearin'.
657
00:25:57,389 --> 00:26:01,768
Don't worry, sweetheart.
I've got it down to a science.
658
00:26:01,810 --> 00:26:04,938
[Ivanka] Daddy, I loved
your warrior show!
659
00:26:04,980 --> 00:26:07,857
You really stretched
that hair-and-makeup budget.
660
00:26:07,899 --> 00:26:10,527
Coronavirus may still be
ravaging the country,
661
00:26:10,569 --> 00:26:14,155
but my daughter respects me,
and that's all that matters.
662
00:26:14,197 --> 00:26:15,574
How's the house, honey?
663
00:26:15,615 --> 00:26:19,327
666 Thorny Cock Way?
It's got so many issues.
664
00:26:19,369 --> 00:26:22,956
Did you know houses
need cement foundations?
665
00:26:22,998 --> 00:26:24,583
How much
did this cost again?
666
00:26:24,624 --> 00:26:26,960
How should I know?
The Russians gave us the money.
667
00:26:27,002 --> 00:26:29,254
Chip off the ol' block.
That's why you're
668
00:26:29,296 --> 00:26:31,464
my only child who matters.
-What was that?!
669
00:26:31,506 --> 00:26:33,717
I said Ivanka's my only child
who matters.
670
00:26:33,758 --> 00:26:36,261
-[Eric] You're funny, Dad.
-[President Trump] Not joking.
671
00:26:36,303 --> 00:26:37,679
['80s-style pop music plays]
672
00:26:37,721 --> 00:26:40,599
Donald Trump
is the president
673
00:26:40,640 --> 00:26:44,269
Donald Trump
is the president
674
00:26:44,311 --> 00:26:46,855
Is Donald Trump
the president?
675
00:26:46,896 --> 00:26:48,440
Yes, he is
676
00:26:48,481 --> 00:26:51,276
Yes, he is,
we elected him president
677
00:26:51,318 --> 00:26:54,029
Is Donald Trump
the president?
678
00:26:54,070 --> 00:26:55,655
Yes, he is
679
00:26:55,697 --> 00:26:58,408
We had a vote
and elected him president
680
00:26:58,450 --> 00:27:03,913
Donald Trump
is the president
681
00:27:05,749 --> 00:27:07,292
Donald Trump
682
00:27:07,334 --> 00:27:10,920
He is our president
683
00:27:10,962 --> 00:27:14,215
We made him president
684
00:27:14,257 --> 00:27:16,468
We did it
685
00:27:16,509 --> 00:27:20,388
Donald Trump
is the president
686
00:27:20,430 --> 00:27:23,475
We elected Donald Trump
687
00:27:23,516 --> 00:27:27,145
Donald Trump
is the president
688
00:27:27,187 --> 00:27:30,815
Donald Trump
is the president
689
00:27:30,857 --> 00:27:34,486
Yeah
690
00:27:34,527 --> 00:27:35,904
Trump!
53034
Can't find what you're looking for?
Get subtitles in any language from opensubtitles.com, and translate them here.
Afrikaans
Akan
Albanian
Amharic
Arabic
Armenian
Azerbaijani
Basque
Belarusian
Bemba
Bengali
Bihari
Bosnian
Breton
Bulgarian
Cambodian
Catalan
Cebuano
Cherokee
Chichewa
Chinese (Simplified)
Chinese (Traditional)
Corsican
Croatian
Czech
Danish
English
Esperanto
Estonian
Faroese
Finnish
Frisian
Galician
Georgian
German
Greek
Guarani
Haitian Creole
Hausa
Hawaiian
Hebrew
Hmong
Hungarian
Icelandic
Indonesian
Irish
Italian
Japanese
Kazakh
Kinyarwanda
Kirundi
Kongo
Korean
Krio (Sierra Leone)
Kurdish
Kyrgyz
Laothian
Latin
Latvian
Lithuanian
Luganda
Luo
Luxembourgish
Macedonian
Malagasy
Malay
Maltese
Maori
Mauritian Creole
Moldavian
Mongolian
Myanmar (Burmese)
Montenegrin
Nepali
Norwegian
Pashto
Persian
Polish
Portuguese (Brazil)
Portuguese (Portugal)
Quechua
Romanian
Romansh
Russian
Samoan
Scots Gaelic
Serbian
Sesotho
Setswana
Seychellois Creole
Shona
Sindhi
Sinhalese
Slovak
Slovenian
Somali
Spanish
Swedish
Tajik
Thai
Tigrinya
Tonga
Turkish
Turkmen
Ukrainian
Uzbek
Vietnamese
Welsh
Wolof