Original subtitles

[news intro sting plays]

I'm Anderson Cooper,

and this country is the once-popular jock

now selling tires behind an abandoned Pizza Hut.

Bob Woodward has done it again, breaking the explosive story

that President Trump knew in early February

about the dangers of coronavirus.

Woodward's super-secret source

was 18 extended interviews with the President himself.

Let's listen.

Trump hit the trail to defend himself.

It's so nice to be here

in the one part of America that's not on fire.

Everything's going great, folks!

Don't believe anything you see, hear, or feel deep inside.

Forget about these Michael Cohen and Bob Woodward books.

I'll give you the CliffNotes.

I wanted to be president again more than I wanted

to stop this deadly pandemic. -[cheers and applause]

Wow. You people will cheer for anything!

Get this -- I knew how bad coronavirus would be

and then lied about it 'cause I don't give a shit

about anyone not named Trump! -[cheers and applause]

Geez. I probably won't be voting for that guy.

Anyway, I was gonna kick this off with my law-and-order spiel,

but for some reason, people aren't buying my message

of "I alone can clean up the shit I took on your deck."

But mark my words.

If Biden wins, I will not be here

to stop the chaos I am constantly creating!

-[cheers and applause] -I have to admit,

hearing you cheer is the weirdest part of all this.

None of you people have masks.

And I thought the troops died for nothing.

I mean, is it worth saving everyone?

I didn't say soldiers were bad.

I just said they were losers. I love the troops.

That's why I dodged the draft --

to give the troops more space to shiver in foxholes!

[sighs happily] I'm so glad I don't have to

go on Tapper tomorrow and mop up this shit geyser.

I'm using your tax dollars

to defend myself against rape accusations.

Do we love it?! We love it!

[crowd cheering and chanting "Trump!"]

Still a good chance white women will fuck this one up again.

Okay. Bye-bye forever, nobodies!

Dakota was the name of a girl Jeff Epstein introduced me to.

Ooh, forget I said that.

-[flames crackling] -Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

I'm done looking these piggies in the snout.

Speed-round time.

Drain the swamp!

They're coming for the suburbs!

QAnon is real!

[man in crowd] Empty your airplane toilet on us!

Life with COVID is surreal, but watching crowds

cheer the man who brought this hell upon us

makes me feel like I'm floating through space.

Your thoughts, Vice President Biden?

Wowee! I might win this thing!

This guy's eating shit harder

than me in sexual-harassment training!

Any system that produces these two candidates

is clearly broken.

[muffled] Virus? What virus?

[President Trump] February 2020,

when I was a warrior king.

The mighty Dow Jones was a phoenix rising

from the ashes of the Obama-pocalypse,

my Herculean impeachment battle

completely overshadowed Black History Month,

I reigned victorious at the White House

"Cute as Cupid" Valentine's Day Beauty Pageant,

and I was a god to my only child who matters.

Then I must have opened an umbrella indoors

because stuff went sideways quick.

But don't worry!

My unhinged cult will never abandon me!

Come on out. Don't be shy.

I know. I get shy around me, too.

[Biden] The Obama-topia. That was pretty good, huh?

My approval rating spiked if I took a lick of rocky road,

when I called for a drone strike,

it was done before I could even say where,

and I inspired the total confidence

of the only woman who matters -- Jill Biden.

Now I mostly just hang out in my basement,

taking leaks in the drain.

Anyway, vote Biden!

-[knock on door] -[Officer] It's the police!

We received 90,000 calls for a wellness check.

Hiya, Gary! You got the wrong house again!

Yeah, sure. See you tomorrow.

And just so you know, it's legal to relieve myself in my drain!

I checked!

Ah, I wonder whatever happened to that Barack Obama.

Probably licensing his name to frozen food. That's my dream.

Your dream is becoming president, remember?

"President Biden's Frozen Flapjacks."

I like the sound of that!

[television surfing channels]

-Dad. We were there. -We saw it.

I told you to shove snapping turtles

in every mailbox so no one can vote.

We didn't have time because we were at your speech.

I was in the back, seeing if my balls

could fit in the cup holders.

And I was helping him with a shoehorn!

The place was empty, Dad!

Get your ass together on this COVID thing,

or you're gonna lose the election.

COVID was my first genocide, Don.

We're all entitled to one mistake.

Whatever. Come on, Eric.

I think I saw an unlocked car with a sticky cupholder.

[Eric] Sick!

[Jill] You know there's a bathroom upstairs, right?

Might as well be on Everest!

I'm not going to mince words, sweetie --

you're going to lose this race if you stay in the basement.

But my campaign's doing great.

I'm showing I'd be a fine president

if the White House magically became a big basement.

Joe, you used to be everyone's racially clumsy

but well-meaning uncle.

This is how people know you now.

[voice glitching out]

Hey, hey! That guy's funny! Blap-blap, blap-blap-blap!

The first time you ran for president and lost,

I kept my lips zipped.

The second time, I bit my tongue so hard,

I got a staph infection.

Ah, geez, folks! I'm trying!

And now when people ask if you're stuck in the basement

because your ass fused to the couch cushions,

I grit my teeth so hard I've cracked three molars!

You should get a pair of horse teeth.

They never let me down.

Just get out of the basement and show everyone

the Joe Biden they know and love,

or I'm sealing up that drain.

Alright. I'm gonna go do a 35-mile jog.

[Ivanka] Sorry I couldn't make the rally.

Jar-head and I just liquidated our assets

and bought the cutest unsellable monstrosity in Washington.

I'm not sure now's a great time to buy...

666 Thorny Cock Way.

But there's plenty of bankrupting properties

in New York. Stop it, Daddy.

You are so going to win this election.

By the way, what's this rumor that you're responsible

for hundreds of thousands of deaths?

-Wow. Slow news day, huh? -Whatever.

As long as it doesn't affect your reelection chances

in the slightest, I'll always love you.

[President Trump] I want to assure Americans

worried about this pandemic

that I have heard your concerns...

and smelled your FedExed boxes of feces.

From the moment this virus threatened

our great reelection of me,

I have done everything in my power

during commercials of Judge Jeanine.

Please spend your hard-earned credibility

backing that up, Dr. Birx.

The President is correct.

The fact that she doesn't actually believe it

makes it that much sweeter.

As for Dr. Fauci, he'd love to be here,

but he's on vacation inside a snake pit.

I'll take one question.

-Mr. President! -Come on!

-Ahh...NBC, CNN... -This is madness!

Uh, let's go with OAN.

President Trump, obviously,

you are the greatest president in history...

She said it! Not me!

...but are you concerned that your reelection chances

will be affected by the country smelling of death?

Whoa! What the hell, OAN?!

Sorry. I live by a morgue,

so this whole thing affects me personally,

and therefore I now care about it.

Not OAN! Why, God?!

Who will regurgitate my bullshit?!

[sobbing wildly]

[gritted teeth] Don't roll your eyes. Don't do it.

Damn it, Debbie. Now you're a meme.

[Pelosi] You're gonna leave the basement?!

Do you have a death wish?!

This election's a layup.

Trump's faults are so obvious,

you don't even have to point them out.

We rarely do. It's beneath us.

But I'm glitchy, and Jill said I need

to get out of the basement, or she'll close up my pee drain.

Joe, stop.

Obviously we can't keep you locked in your basement.

The cops are asking questions.

I think we can do this. You have so much going for you.

Oh, boy!

You're the legendary Joe Biden. People love you!

You were Obama's vice president!

And that's just for starters.

You also, uh, uhh...

Not that. Definitely not that.

Holy Lord, not that.

Uh, y-you're the Obama guy! -Obama!

But you're gonna need that best friend of yours.

Strom Thurmond's dead.

Well, I guess we can try to Frankenstein him,

but the forecast doesn't call for lightning.

-No. Obama. -Oh, yeah. H-He's cool, too.

I took a break from packing up my office

because I heard you were sad

and I thought that would be funny to see.

It's no use, Kellyanne.

This pandemic has destroyed countless lives

and, worse, my chance of reelection.

Don't forget the economy.

I had forgotten. Thank you.

You gotta stop talking about the shared reality

and start talking about the reality

you want people to believe.

You know how I say I'm late to work

because I'm investigating staffers

for leaking to my reporter friends?

I can't believe Kudlow leaked what I told you

in those one-on-one meetings.

He didn't. I'm actually late

from having morning hate-sex with my husband.

It stinks. Pee-yew!

I still think Kudlow had something to do with it.

See?

You wanted to believe my story, and so you did.

Wow! Alright. I'll do it.

I'll convince America that this pandemic

is whatever I say it is

regardless of what it actually is!

I can't believe you have sex with your spouse.

What's that like?

up-tempo music plays

[President Trump] My fellow Americans,

I am vanquishing the dreaded COVID-19,

which began under Obama -- no one talks about that.

Isn't that right, my artery-clogged hype men

Sean Hannity and Rudy Giuliani?

You heard him, corona! Pack your pus and scram!

I would be very scared if I were that soggy little lung bug,

and I ain't scared of nothin'.

I once had a spa day with Lou Dobbs.

You know how small those towels are?

Like a mouse's handkerchief!

And, incidentally, during every bad part

of the last six months, Mike Pence was president.

I accept full responsibility

and the proportionate punishment --

castration by jackhammer.

[reporter] But Mike Pence wasn't president.

Damn it! My story's one loophole.

Let's still do that castration thing, though.

[Biden] Folks! Look at this, huh?

It's me -- Joe Biden!

I'm a legend, just like you remember.

Vice President of America!

Ain't that right, Barack Obama?

I selected him myself.

Actually, I put it to a vote.

Joe beat Tim Kaine five to four.

Well, I'm still the same old Joe,

with a mouthful of porcelain

and a noseful of your aunt's hairspray!

Hey, Barack, this is a big fuckin' deal!

Remember that old classic, folks?

It's my legacy! [slurps]

Oh, crap! Ice-cream headache!

I'm not supposed to eat foods above or below room temperature!

-Joe, you fucking idiot! -Ohh!

-[beep] -[narrator] And now a message

from the President of the United States.

My fellow Americans, after an exhaustive search,

our intelligence apparatus has tracked coronavirus

to the foothills of Afghanistan.

Tonight I authorized a precision airstrike

and have been assured that coronavirus

is gravely wounded and on the run.

Side note -- its virus wife is back on the market.

No one deserves to be lonely, folks.

[news intro music plays]

I'm Wolf Blitzer, and when this is all over,

I will tell my neighborhood crossing guard my true feelings.

Breaking news -- tonight's so-called "precision airstrike"

leveled an art museum, wastewater treatment plant,

and factory that makes N95 masks.

At least it's a good conversation starter

for me and my crossing guard.

[Biden] What do we do, Barack? That ice-cream headache

just reminded people of basement Biden.

Hey, whatcha got there?

Ah, it's all the greatest moments from your glory years.

I'm just looking for ideas, patterns...

something.

Hmm.

Joe, for our next appearance,

what if you tried taking a step out of the spotlight?

Back to the basement! Great!

I haven't taken a whiz in days.

Uh, you're not going in the basement, Joe.

You're going someplace completely outside

of the public eye. Right.

A true legend leaves room for mystery.

Can I still take a whiz there?

If we put you in a storm drain, you can.

[President Trump] I tried two things,

and the things didn't work. I quit.

Enough with these little lies.

We gotta go with a lie so colossal

that people couldn't imagine we'd lie that big.

Little strategy I learned from a German author.

It was Hitler.

All I know is I spent weeks on the Seth Rich case,

and when it turned out to be nothing,

I just screamed, "Case closed!"

and banged a gavel till they wheeled in a new desk.

Man, I'd have to be a real lunatic to declare victory

and knowingly put people's lives at risk.

Victory! I did it! Yay, me!

Touch your faces to completion, folks,

because this crisis is done-zo!

But don't take it from me. Take it from a doctor!

[flatly] Coronavirus has been vanquished.

I congratulate President Trump on his historic triumph.

Now, that was pained! Yummy!

I'd love to take all the credit for this victory, so I will.

Trump! Trump! -[crowd chanting] Trump! Trump!

Yay, Daddy! I can finally have

the Saudi Royal Family over for a bone-saw swap!

[jet engines rumbling]

[military march playing]

Right now, a few blocks up the road,

some folks are declaring

a premature victory over this crisis,

but that's not what leadership looks like.

Joe Biden faces challenges head on.

And he also knows the power of leading inaudibly from behind.

Isn't that right, Joe?

We need a president with his heart in the fight

and his shoes in your piss water!

-[crowd cheering and whistling] -[Obama] Vote Joe!

Say it, or say goodbye to next summer's Aspen Ideas Festival.

[both] Vote Joe!

Or I'll staple your ass to your knee caps!

[President Trump] Wow! That was great, huh?

I got so many thumbs up from guys

with a dozen strands of hair that they grow 18 inches long

and dye the color of a freshly tarred highway!

Yeah, yeah. It was something.

So, good news and bad news.

The good news -- the parade was a massive success,

and your poll numbers spiked higher

than during your impeachment!

Better times. Remind me to send Pelosi a Starbucks card.

What's the bad news?

The parade caused a massive coronavirus outbreak,

and now your poll numbers are in the toilet.

And not just any toilet. My toilet.

Wait a minute. That was actual bad news!

I thought you meant "bad" like "bad dude with attitude."

Hey! Don't forget to send Pelosi that Starbucks card!

Remind him later, bozo! He just said it.

Okay. There are nicer ways to phrase that.

[photographer] The camera loves you centrists!

Now smile like you just heard a Kennedy wants to primary AOC.

This is fun!

And the best part is I cannot foresee a downside.

You earned it, buddy.

You sure did, Silver Alert.

Once again the best man won! [muttered swearing]

H-Hey, I'm getting Deputy Chief of Staff

of Veterans Affairs, right?

Uh, chilly out here.

Let's go inside and take some more photographs.

Rats are gnawing on my ankle. Just gimme a sec.

Oh, you should hang back. People are just starting

to believe the legend of Joe Biden again.

The real Joe Biden would only confuse them.

Sure, yeah. I'll just be in the drain.

Let me know if you need a few decades' worth of lost frisbees.

[lights click]

[President Trump] I know many of you are concerned

about the massive coronavirus outbreak at my parade.

There must have been 80,000 people there!

[crowd member] That's a bad thing!

It's time we all stopped worrying about this pandemic.

When you think about it, isn't death actually kind of good?

Uh, yeah, no!

Either way, it's nothing to fear,

because everyone who is dead is not you.

Yeah, but everyone dies eventually, yourself included.

[gasps]

Uh, what's happening right now?

Oh, my God! Is this the first time

you've thought about your own mortality?

Jesus. Uhh... I didn't mean it, buddy.

You're not gonna die. -Oh!

And many people are calling it the biggest parade of all time!

Holy shit, dude.

-[rats squeaking] -[Biden] Dang you, rat!

Isn't there another presidential candidate

living in the storm drain you can gnaw on?

Hope you're happy, Joe. You're trending on Twitter,

and I just cracked a filling.

"Spiderweb Legend"?

So why don't I feel like a legend?

Because you're two seconds from getting bubonic plague.

Being in the storm drain

is no better than being in the basement.

When I told you to get out there, I meant above ground!

The Democrats won't let me.

They don't want me stepping in shit out there,

so they have me standing in shit down here.

Aren't those the same Einsteins that lost to Donald Trump?

-Not twice! -I've spent the last 40 years

smiling through your missteps, Joe.

If you don't win, it was all for nothing.

And when Dick Durbin's wife asks how my husband

lost to the worst president in history,

I might just frickin' lose it!

I'm on the edge, Joe! -[crack]

Shit! There goes another molar.

Alright. I'm gonna go squeeze in another 35 miles.

[Ivanka moaning loudly]

Shut your ass, Ivanka! God!

Did you see your name in alphabet soup and faint?!

-What happened? -[weakly] I've been struck down

in my prime by the dreaded coronavirus.

Uh, you were outside, and now your skin feels stingy?

It's friggin' sunburn!

Goodbye, beloved IG Live followers.

I'll always cherish the time Kylie Jenner

accidentally tuned in for like one second.

This is all my fault.

Donald Trump is but a mortal man,

defenseless against this all-powerful virus!

It's sunburn!

I believed in you, Daddy.

But now I believe in modern [muffled] medicine.

[brightly] Okay, I just felt a cold gust of air

that made me feel 100% better.

[weakly] But who knows how long that will last!

dramatic chord strikes

twinkling music playing

Holy crap! I'm president!

I have unlimited power!

It's your commander-in-chief. End bussing now!

[Legend of Biden] Hey! What are you doing in my seat?

You didn't win the election. I won it.

What are you talking about? I'm Joe Biden.

But I'm the Legend of Joe Biden,

the guy the people actually voted for.

You're just a glitchy guy in a storm drain.

Hey, check out my new line of frozen food!

Ooh! Those should be my flapjacks!

[whoosh]

MY FL-A-A-APJ-A-A-ACKS!

[President Trump] Well, the screeching mob

should be smashing through the windows soon.

I just pray they kill Don first so I get to see it.

That's it! I'm tipping your ass on your ass.

[grunting] -Don, why are you doing that?

Because this is just like in every Batman

when Batman quits being Batman!

It lasts 20 minutes, and I scream at the projectionist

till it's done 'cause it sucks!

-I'm not Batman, Don. -Yes, the frick you are!

And the citizens of Gotham-America need you,

'cause if they don't believe you're handling shit,

reality sucks.

They need a hero who gives them hope.

-Yeah! -Oh, Eric, how's

the ankle sprain from jumping into the conversation?!

You know I don't have ankles!

But the truth just hurts my reelection chances,

and my lies just make coronavirus worse.

It's kick-ass showdown time!

In front of the country,

you have to actually defeat coronavirus

or, barring that, a guy in a coronavirus costume.

Which is easier -- curing coronavirus

or buying a coronavirus costume?

We're about to find out.

Okay, but can we talk hair-and-makeup budget?

[grunting] Let's gooooooo!

up-tempo folk music plays

Barack says I'm on top now

But I feel so low

What happened to...

Ow!

...the glory days of Joe?

C'mon, mouse! Stop bitin' me and sing along!

Ha-daaaiii, daii daii daii

Daii daii

Ow! Hockey puck?!

How are you playing those two sports so close together?

[Obama] Hello, longtime associate.

I brought you some dry socks.

Thanks. The rats stole my other pair,

and now they use them like sleeping bags.

Well, it's actually pretty cute.

Joe, I was watching Trump's shortsighted victory parade,

and I realized the Democratic Party is doing that with you.

We're declaring victory without putting in the work.

The absence of Joe Biden is not gonna defeat Trump.

The presence of Joe Biden is.

But I'll just mess it up!

I'll probably say, "Unless you vote Democrat,

you're not Filipino."

Trump's responsible for hundreds of thousands of deaths.

You got room for error.

I also voted for the Iraq war.

Maybe you should stay in the drain.

No, no, I-I'm inspired!

Then let's find you a shower.

You know what? I'm gonna stay stinky.

It makes me seem authentic. Folksy, even.

See? You had it in you all along.

thunderous music plays

[grunting]

All I'm saying is Jerry Falwell Jr.

is a cool guy who likes to have fun.

-[feedback whines] -Testing. Testing.

Sounds kinda tinny.

[armor shings]

[sword shings]

[flames whoosh]

[sirens wailing, horn blaring]

[news intro music plays]

We go now live to the Washington Monument,

where the President has produced

an elaborate stage play of some kind.

I'm anchoring the big show,

but you ain't getting none of this, crossing guard.

Who am I kidding? I want to be with you forever, girl.

[Hannity] Ladies...

and, more importantly, gentlemen!

You are about to witness

the most jaw-dropping, nail-biting,

balls-out battle royale of all time!

President Trump vs. Coronavirus!

[Eric] Ivanka, look!

Dad's avenging you!

It's! Friggin'! Sunburn!

[weak shivering]

This is it, Joe. But you're gonna say something backwards.

But you gotta go out there and make Jill proud!

[Jill] You can do this, Joe.

Get out of the friggin' storm drain!

[Giuliani] Now entering the arena,

President Tr-u-u-u-- -[Hannity] Rudy!

I'm the announcer! -[Giuliani] What?

I thought I could put a little mustard on it.

[Hannity] What is with you this week?

Please welcome President Trump!

[metal clanging]

[grunting]

It is I, Beast-man Trump, "The White Blade,"

here to exact righteous revenge upon Coronavirus,

"The Low Class Lightweight."

[crowd-cheer sound effect on stereo]

Time to end this once and for all!

Show yourself, Coronavirus!

[Melania speaking flatly] Help. Someone. Please.

Yadda yadda. But wait.

That sounds like -- Oh, no!

Coronavirus has captured my one true third wife!

Is that the President of the United States

in a Viking costume?

Hurry up so I can start circling the stuff

you're going to buy me in the Oscar de la Renta collection.

[Eric] Oh, no!

Coronavirus kidnapped that lady

who reads smutty books in the dumbwaiter!

-[laughs evilly] -[Hannity] Oh, no!

It's the dreaded Coronavirus!

-Any last words, Melania? -I'm good.

Die, you bast-- Wait. Who the hell is that?

Ugh. It's Joe Biden. And he smells absolutely terrible.

[Jill] Do it, Joe! Beat his ass

and justify our lifetime of political maneuvering!

Stop this malarkey!

The Democrats want me to camp in a storm drain

'cause they think the Legend of Joe Biden

is the guy with the nicest leather jacket at the dance.

But guess what, Jack.

The legendary Joe Biden never existed.

For 50 years, I've been blowing in people's ears

and entertaining dinner parties with ethnic accents.

But that's why everyday folks like me,

even though I was locking a whole mess of 'em up in prison,

voting to send 'em to Iraq --

Joe! Leave some mystery, okay?

Right! And that's how I'm gonna beat Trump, folks --

by being the incoherent everyman who kills a lot less people.

Not including Iraqis.

Three times a charm, Joey baby!

Take that, Loretta Durbin!

Look, Joe, we had a whole production worked out,

so either I'm coming at you with this flaming sword, or Pence.

Your call.

Have at him! That's what VPs are for!

[grunting]

Gaaah!

[scraping]

Oh, no. Is this how I meet my maker --

a bioweapons scientist in Wuhan?

No. It's not!

[all gasp]

If I vanquish Coronavirus,

as I've proven tonight that I easily could,

then this exciting battle will be over.

And nobody wants that,

besides nurses, first responders,

and other non-celebrities no one cares about.

No one's looking, Debbie. Treat yourself to an eye-roll.

Ahhhhhh. That feels so good.

Reality is terrifying.

Have you ever thought about your own mortality?

Not great.

So let's choose to believe something cooler,

that I'm the dashing hero with the diamond-cutter abs

and Coronavirus is my eternal, perpetual nemesis

who I'll never stop fighting in a string of diminishing sequels.

Sounds fun, right? We like it?

-Yes! -Yeah! Hooray, warrior Daddy!

Ivanka! You're all better!

[gasps] It's a miracle!

Is the miracle called aloe vera,

an all-natural gel commonly used to treat sunburn?!

Just to clarify, I'm not just letting Coronavirus go

because I couldn't lift my big sword.

The sword isn't even that heavy. It's like nothing to me.

[Melania] Bullshit.

Look, I had something made up for you.

[gasps] It's my dream come true!

Uh-uh-uh. You have to wait

until after you're president to sell them.

It's called the Emoluments Clause.

That stinks!

Why did you show this to me? Do you hate me?

Okay. I'm putting it away.

No, no, no, no. I'll be good. I'll be good.

Hey, I-I got you something, too.

My horse-teeth guy hooked you up real nice.

The election's still a ways away,

so you're gonna need to do a lot more grinnin' and bearin'.

Don't worry, sweetheart. I've got it down to a science.

[Ivanka] Daddy, I loved your warrior show!

You really stretched that hair-and-makeup budget.

Coronavirus may still be ravaging the country,

but my daughter respects me, and that's all that matters.

How's the house, honey?

666 Thorny Cock Way? It's got so many issues.

Did you know houses need cement foundations?

How much did this cost again?

How should I know? The Russians gave us the money.

Chip off the ol' block. That's why you're

my only child who matters. -What was that?!

I said Ivanka's my only child who matters.

-[Eric] You're funny, Dad. -[President Trump] Not joking.

['80s-style pop music plays]

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president

Is Donald Trump the president?

Yes, he is

Yes, he is, we elected him president

Is Donald Trump the president?

Yes, he is

We had a vote and elected him president

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump

He is our president

We made him president

We did it

Donald Trump is the president

We elected Donald Trump

Donald Trump is the president

Donald Trump is the president

Yeah

Trump!