All language subtitles for Midnight (1939)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

The train is in.
It is Paris, madame.

Call me in the morning.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Everybody off the train!

Just when I was
getting to like
the old place, too.

(TRAIN WHISTLE CONTINUES)

Well!

So this, as they say,
is Paris, huh?

Yes, madame.

Well, from here it looks an
awful lot like a rainy night
in Kokomo, Indiana.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, let's wade in.

Can I get
your luggage?

I wish you would.

Where is it?

Municipal Pawnshop,
Monte Carlo.

So long, handsome!

Taxi, monsieur! Taxi.

Taxi. Taxi.
Taxi. Taxi.

Taxi, madame!
Taxi! Taxi.

Taxi, madame. Taxi?

No, thank you.

Taxi? Taxi?

Taxi, madame?
No.

Madame enjoys
the rain, huh?

Here's how things stand.

I could have you drive me
all around town, and then
tell you I left my purse home

on the grand piano.

There's no grand piano,
no home and the purse,

25 centimes with a hole in it.
That's what's left of
the Peabody stake.

Oh, you have
no money, huh?

That's right.

I need a taxi to
find myself a job. I need
a job to pay for the taxi.

No taxi, no job.
No job, no soap.

But if I do promote one,
I'll pay you twice what
the meter says, see?

Double or nothing.
You'll give me
the honor

of driving you around
while you look
for a job, huh?

That's it.
And for that you'll
pay me double?

Oh, and a great
big-daddy tip.

Oh, that sounds like
good business!

What do you say?

I say no.

Taxi?

Get in!

No!

Get in!

Only now you don't
get that tip.

What kind of work
do you want?

Well, at this time
of night and in
these clothes,

I'm not looking
for needlework.

It'd be easier
to drink this
than read it.

Here we are.
Nightclubs.

What are you,
a dancer?

Did you ever hear of
Eve Peabody, the famous
American blues singer?

Nope.

Confidentially,
she didn't get
to be a blues singer

till she stepped
into your cab.

Oh, let's try
the Bal Tabarin.

Oh, you have
to be pretty good
to work there.

Say,
do you always travel
in an evening dress?

No, I was wearing
this in Monte Carlo when
a nasty accident occurred.

What happened, a fire?

No.

The roulette system
I was playing
collapsed under me.

I left the casino with
what I had on my back.

Say, is that your
last cigarette?

Want it?
Thanks.

Matches?
No, I got 'em.

Monte Carlo
booby prize.

(EVE SINGING)

Well, that's
the smallest.

I guess mine is
strictly a bathtub voice.

Aren't you
wet through?

How far do you
think "through" is
for a woman these days?

Well, where to now?

Oh, no. Eighty francs
is enough, Skipper.

I'm sorry I got you
into this mess.

That's all right.
Where to now?

Back to the station.

What are you going
to do back there?

Sit in
the waiting room.

Waiting for what?

For tomorrow morning.

(PIANO MUSIC PLAYING)

This isn't
the station!
I'm going to buy you

a cheap dinner.

Listen, you lost a gamble.
You don't have to feed it.

I don't like
to think of a woman
sitting around a station

with an empty stomach!

Oh, I know! This
is the pumpkin coach

and you're
the Fairy Godmother!
Cut that stuff out.

It's raining.
Come on!
Okay, Skipper.

Oh, wait!
I forgot my hat.

I wouldn't have taken oysters,
only I thought they were on
the regular dinner, honest.

Forget it.

No, it was
a dirty trick, Skipper.

Say, what's your name?
I'm tired of calling
you Skipper.

Czerny is the name.
Tibor Czerny.

Tea what?
Tibor. Tibor Czerny.

I'm Hungarian.
Where I come from,
they'd think Eve Peabody

is a funny name.
Oh, yeah?

May I?

May I?

Oh, sure.

Taxi?

What goes on?

They're beating up
the guy that yelled taxi.

Why?
He didn't
want a taxi.

Then why did he
yell for one?

Because I paid
him 5 francs.

I'm running into money,
Mr. Czerny.

I wish you'd stop
talking about money.
I'm a rich man.

You?
Sure. I need
40 francs a day

and I make 40 francs.

What about that
rainy day when it comes?

On a rainy day,
I make double.

No bank account,
no real estate,
no possessions.

Three handkerchiefs,
two shirts, one tie,
no worries.

Oh, you're talking
like a fool.

Listen, if you want
peace of mind, get
yourself a taxicab.

(PIANO MUSIC CONTINUES)

No woman ever
found peace in a taxi.
I'm looking for a limousine.

They don't ride
any better. Sugar?

They ride better
than the subway.

I spent most
of my life in
a Bronx local.

Squeezed, trampled,
stepped on.

One day I said to myself,
"That's enough. You're
going to get somewhere."

That's why I came abroad.
I shipped to London in
a can of imported chorines.

You know, most of those gals
ended up with a lord
or something.

Is that what you call
getting somewhere?

It's a step in
the right direction.

I landed a lord,
almost.

Almost?

Well, the family
got between us.

His mother came
to my hotel and
offered me a bribe.

You threw her out,
I hope.

Well, how could I
with my hands full
of money?

You... You mean,
you took the money?

Listen, I've got
a few ideas about
peace of mind myself.

I carried that cash straight
down to Monte Carlo and
played it to win.

And lost. Serves you right
for wanting something
for nothing.

All right. It took me years
to realize you just don't
fall into a tub of butter.

You jump for it.

You're the one
that's talking
like a fool now.

No hard feelings,
Mr. Czerny?

No.

It's too bad, though.

Do you want
some more wine?

Please.

(CAR RATTLING)

Say, we need some gas.

Where's that
railroad station,
anyway?

Oh, we've passed that.
You're going to sleep
at my place.

What was that?

I said you're going
to sleep at my place.

Oh, no,
I'm not.

Listen, I've got
to drive this cab
all night.

How do you expect me
to keep my mind on
my business,

knowing you haven't
a roof over your head?

No thanks, Skipper.

Here is the key.

There's a shirt drying
over the bathtub.
You can sleep in that.

Be out by 7:00
in the morning.
Put this under the mat.

No, you'd better
keep the key.

Now, don't be a fool.

I've been
a fool too long.

Listen, back in New York,
whenever I managed

to crash a party
full of luscious,
big-hearted millionaires,

there was sure to be
some snub-faced kid in
the orchestra playing traps.

So, around 4:00 in
the morning, when the
wise girls were skipping off

to Connecticut to marry
those millionaires, I'd be
with him in some nightspot,

learning tricks
on the kettledrum.

And he always had
a nose like yours.

Is there anything
wrong with my nose?

Yes, I like it.

Do you mind?

We're no good for each other,
Skipper. We're going in
different directions.

That's what you think.

Oh, come on now.

Turn the cab around.

Nope.

(CAR RATTLING)

You'd better
feed this thing.

Your rear tire
looks bad.

Never had a puncture
in my life.

Permit me,
madame.

Very unfortunate,
this rain, madame.

It always rains
when Stephanie gives
one of her dull parties.

Even nature weeps.

Edouart,
stop scratching.

I'm not scratching,
Simone. I think I forgot
the admission cards.

Admission cards? Stephanie
will have them for her own
funeral just to keep it chic.

(CHATTERING)

(WOMAN SINGING)

Your wrap,
madam.

Oh, yes.

(SINGING CONTINUES)

(DOG BARKING)

I'm so sorry.

Is this taken?

No, madam.

Thank you.

My dear friends,

the next offering
in our little
musical program

will be Chopin's 11th �tude,
as played by our dear,
dear friend,

Prince Potopienko.

It is the 12th �tude,
ma ch�re.

Before we go any further,
I'd like your attention
one moment more.

Is there anybody
in this room named
Eve Peabody?

No?

Well, does
anyone here know
a Miss Eve Peabody?

Well, I won't trouble
the rest of you
any further.

Now, my dear.
Chopin's 11th Pr�lude.

It is the 12th
and it is an �tude.

What's the matter,
darling?

Some woman
got in here

with this pawn ticket.

Madame?

A word with you.
With me?

Yes, with you.

I thought so.

Well, all right,
let's get it
over with.

I've had my eye on you
from the moment
you came in.

And I should
have known better.

You were trying
to sneak out,
weren't you?

Well, I thought
if I went quietly...

Don't apologize. You are
not the only one. There
are three of us in rebellion

against that music.
Come on.

You do play bridge,
don't you?

Yes.

Good.

But why did you
pick on me?

You looked charming.
You looked bored.

You looked as though
you can trump your
partner's ace.

Better wipe
the rouge off
your mouth.

I've got one.

Madame Flammarion,
may I present Madame...

How do you do?
How do you do, madame?

Madame...
Czerny.

Madame Czerny?
Yes.

May I present
Jacques Picot.

One of the most
dangerous men
in the room.

Paid advertisement.

How do you do?
EVE: How do you do?

Shall we cut?

Well, is nobody
going to introduce me?

Oh, this is
Marcel Renard.

He is... How would you
describe yourself,
Marcel?

I'm a
telephone worshipper.

A what?

Whenever a day comes
without an invitation,

I pray to my telephone
as though it were
a little black god.

I beg of it to speak to me.
To ask me out somewhere.

Anywhere where
there's caviar
and champagne.

Well, what are
we playing for?

Buttons?

Our usual stakes,
5 francs a point?

5 francs?

5 francs is
a bit tepid.

If you'd care to
make them higher...

Oh, no! No.
No, it makes
no difference to me.

Jacques, are you free
tomorrow afternoon?

I am.

Jacques?

Of course, my dear.
What is it?

I saw Simone inside.
She says her autumn
collection of hats

is simply divine.

Will you go
with me?

Love to.

Two spades.
Pass.

I don't want to buy
another hat that you
don't like, my dear.

You mean the one
like a duster?
I'm against feathers.

What's your bid?
Pass.

Pass.
What?

But you can't pass
when your partner
said two spades.

That means she's got
a glorious hand.
Now it's wasted.

Now I know why you
called him dangerous.

Shall I get
you a revolver,
Madame Czerny?

I'm terribly sorry.
It's difficult to concentrate
on cards... sometimes.

Naturally, when you're
worrying about the future
of the ostrich plume.

I don't think
that's very funny.

I do.

Well, thanks.

(VIOLIN MUSIC PLAYING)

JACQUES: I'm afraid
we're down 900, partner.

EVE: Is that all?

Well, it looks like
a landslide for us.

I don't know whether
you should be flattered
or annoyed, madame.

Jacques usually plays
an excellent game.

Tennis or golf?

Madame, please.

Sorry.
How is the musical
evening progressing?

Dull as ever?

On the contrary.

You always did have
a horrid weakness
for Chopin.

Madame Czerny,
this is my husband.

How do you do?
How do you do?

This time, Chopin
was seasoned with
a pinch of Ars�ne Lupin.

A mysterious intruder
has crept in among
the guests

with the aid of
a bogus invitation.

I thought the big idea
was to get away from
this party, not into it.

You're American,
aren't you?

Yes.
One club.

Hungarian descent?

Scotch, Irish
and Choctaw.

No bid.
Czerny,
though, Czerny...

You know,
that's Hungarian.

Oh, that's
not my name.
Three clubs.

Oh, isn't it?
No, except
by marriage.

Oh, then you're
the wife of
Baron Czerny.

Pass.

Of course, you know,
the last time I saw
him in St. Moritz,

he talked about
an American girl.
Where is he now?

Oh, back in Budapest.

He's not very well.
You know, the old trouble.

Too bad! Helene, you should
see Budapest. It's the most
enchanting city.

Except, of course,
for the subway.
Did they ever finish that?

The... The streets are
still a little torn up.

Really, Georges, we're trying
to play bridge. Give the poor
Baroness a chance to recoup.

Oh, sorry, my darling.

How about pulling ourselves
together, partner?

Well, let's.

So far, we've played
like strangers. Shall we
throw caution to the wind?

That's the spirit! Come on.
Hellity-larrup, neck
or nothing.

You're wonderful.

You're magnificent.

You're talking
across the board.

JACQUES:
What's your bid?

MARCEL:
Three no-trump.
Double.

EVE: Hurray!

HELENE: Redouble.
Pass.

MARCEL: Pass.
JACQUES: Pass.

(HUMMING)

Eve! Eve, stop.

What do you mean,
annoying my wife?

Well, you don't
have to push me.

Say, I...

Stop that, sir!

Twenty-three
and six and 14.

I make it 84.

That's right.

I'm sorry, Baroness.
We had the spirit even
if we didn't have the cards.

Oh, how much?

We are down
4,200 francs.

Where's my bag?

I may not have
that much with me.

Pardon me. Is
this yours, Baroness?

Yes, thank you.

If I can be
of any service...

Oh, no, thanks.

You'll take my IOU,
won't you?

Why? I'm so foolish.
I completely forgot I went
to the bank this afternoon.

How much
did you say?

4,200 for
each of us.

Good night, Your Highness.
Thanks for
a pleasant evening.

Good night.
Good night, madame,
thank you.

- Good night.
- Good night.

Did you ever find that
Eve Peabody, Stephanie?

Finally. I had her
thrown out. She was
a horrible old woman.

Roger found her
in the powder room.

Imagine. You know,
she claimed to be the
Archduchess of Mendola.

Good night,
Stephanie, dear.

Good night,
darling.

Good night, dear.
Good night.

Good night.
Good night.

Good night.

Is your car here?

No. I had some trouble
with my chauffeur.

Then let me drop you.

We can take you,
Baroness. Can't we?

May I place at your
disposition a nice coupe
with a leak in the roof?

Over which side?
Yours!

Please. Here's
my car. I insist.

All right.
Where do you live?

At my hotel.

And that is?

I'll give you
three guesses.

The Ritz?

Right the first time!
The Ritz.

Good night!

MARCEL: Good night.

An attractive girl,
isn't she?

Odd, her coming
here alone.

I notice she didn't
go home alone.

I'm sorry, my dear.
I forgot my gloves.

Will you pardon me
a moment?

Thank you so much.
Don't bother to
see me inside.

It's terribly late.
Oh, no.

My mother taught me always
to see a lady to her door.

Good night.

Oh, no.

You can't get
rid of me as
easily as that.

How do you know
what dangers may lurk
in the hotel lobby?

I know exactly
what dangers lurk
in hotel lobbies.

Come on.

I'm going to stay
in the lobby
for a while.

I have something to do.

Telegram back home.
You see, my husband's
sick. A night letter.

Well, write
it out, Baroness.
I'll get your key.

Oh, no. Look,
don't you know
when to go home?

No.

The key for
Baroness Czerny.

It may be in
the name of Smith.

My maid sometimes...

The Baroness Czerny,
room 217, 219.

Thank you.

Where is
the telegraph desk?

You go right...

Don't bother.
I'll write it upstairs.

Good night.

"To her door,"
my mother said.

The key, please.

I'll open it
for you.

What? No nightcap?

Listen,
my mother taught me
a few things, too.

Good night.

Well, at least
I don't have to ask
for your telephone number.

I'll be pestering you.

Oh, won't you
please go?

Not until
you go in.

(GLASS SHATTERS)

Oh, don't be frightened.

They must have
given me the wrong key.

Why don't you speak?

Where's the light?

Oh, you so-and-so.

Is anybody here?

All right, fellows.
Now, I'll explain it
once more.

Each of us puts in 5 francs,
and the guy that finds her
gets the whole thing.

Say we get 1,000 of us. That's
a purse of 5,000 francs
to the winner.

But how can
you find one woman
in four million people?

Oh, that's easy. Once
they organized the taxis
of Paris to save France.

Why can't we
organize them now...

To find Czerny's girl!

She's an American girl
named Eve Peabody.

All she's got is a gold dress.
She hasn't got a cent
to her name.

So, she can't
get out of town.

Spread the word around.
Keep your eyes open.

Go to the Consulate,
the Embassy. Go to
the hotels, the nightspots.

The theatrical agents.

Come on. Each of
you fellows put in
5 francs. Come on.

Come on, fellows.
Put it in here. 5 francs.
That's it. Come on.

(PHONE RINGING)

(GROANS)

Hello.

Who?

No.

Yeah, yes. Who?

What'd you say?

I said
good morning,
Baroness.

Your luggage
has arrived.

From Monte Carlo?

What... That's
impossible. I mean...

You mean it's my luggage?

Well, there must
be some mistake.

It said for the Baroness
Czerny, madame.
I had it sent up.

Oh, yeah. All right.

Maybe I'm crazy.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

(KNOCKING CONTINUES)

Come in.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Shall I open the blinds,
madame?

Yeah. Yes, please.

Here are the keys, madame.
Shall I open it?

You mean
before Christmas?

Pardon, madame?

Oh, don't mind me.

That looks like
a negligee on top, huh?

You wish?
Yes, if you don't mind.

Madame wishes
to put it on?

Oh, no, no.
Just put it over
the bed, please.

Is there anything else,
madame?

Oh, I think that's
enough, don't you?

Oh, the tip...
Oh, no, no, no, no.

Your chauffeur took
care of that, madame.

My chauffeur?

He's waiting downstairs.

And he wishes to know
if madame wants
the car today.

Oh, he does?

He says
it's a very nice day, madame.

He says,
"There is no wind."

He says,
"The sun is warm."

He says...

He wants to know
if I want the car today.

Tell him I wouldn't
be at all surprised.

Thank you, madame.
Thank you.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(WHISTLES)

What's your name? Eve Peabody.
Where do you live?
Nowhere at present.

How old are you?
None of your business.

Well, I seem
to be all right.

GEORGES: Then how about
some breakfast?

What?

Good morning,
Baroness Czerny.

Oh, that jacket's
a little large.

I've arranged to have
a fitter here at 2:00.

So it was you.

You made a pretty good
guess at my measurements.

You know, I've always
had a weakness for size 12.

Did you arrange
for this apartment?

While you were
on your way here
with Jacques.

Neat, huh?

From the moment you
looked at me, I had
an idea you had an idea.

You remember when I asked you
if they were still working
on the Budapest subway?

Yes.

Well, the Budapest subway
was finished in 1893.

It is the oldest subway
in the world.

Monsieur, that
is playing dirty.

You also had
a third-class ticket from
Monte Carlo in your handbag.

Nice work.

You see, I use my eyes
when it comes to something
I want very badly.

Also your
bank account.

I guarantee
we will never have
any arguments about money.

That's fine.

There's just
one trouble.
I won't play.

Now... Now, don't
misunderstand me,
Miss Peabody.

Listen, when Little
Red Riding Hood spots
the long gray whiskers,

don't still insist
that you're Grandma.

But... But
suppose you hear
my proposition out.

All right, go ahead.

What...

What was your impression
of Jacques Picot?

Jacques... He seems
all right. Why?

I'm afraid I can't
agree with you.

Of course, I may be
a little prejudiced.

You see, my wife
and he think
they're in love.

Oh.

Well, that's cozy.

That, my dear,
is the devil.

Why don't you
punch him in
the nose?

Alluring but impractical.
He was top man on
the boxing team

of the University
of Brussels.

Well, where do I come in?
What you need is a lawyer.

I'll never get a divorce.
Never.

I still don't see
where I come in.

Last night for the first time,
I saw a ray of hope.

While he was laughing
with you, my wife
was in torment.

When you
drove away together,
she was fighting tears.

Who won?

Your job,
if you'll accept it,

is just beginning.

My wife...

My wife will
fight for him.

And you want me
to fight back?

I want to bring her
back to her senses.

I want you to take over
his attention before
it's too late.

You can name
your own price.

You really love her,
don't you?

Of all the crazy plans.

Perhaps not so crazy
from your point of view.

Jacques' family makes
a very superior income

from a very
inferior champagne.

You could do much worse.

We're having a weekend party
at our place in Versailles.

Jacques will be there.
You arrive tomorrow
in time for tea.

Now, wait a minute.
I haven't said yes.

Am I upsetting
some other plans?

I gathered that you
knew no one in Paris.

Did you?

Of course, if you
have some other offer...

I have.

A good one?

I'll take yours.

I'll tell my wife
I ran into you
and asked you.

The name of your chauffeur
is Ferdinand.

That's a nice name.
Isn't it?

Ferdinand, Ferdinand

You'll like the
whole arrangement.

Now, for immediate expenses,
you can draw on my bank
up to 50,000 francs.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

Here's your breakfast.
Goodbye, my dear Baroness.

Till tomorrow afternoon.

For the Baroness Czerny.

Permit me?
Oh, yes. Go ahead.

"Hosannas to the high gods
for throwing us together.
Jacques."

I rather resent that.

To my wife he only
said, "So glad we met."

Hmm.

TIBOR: Yes.

Yeah... No,
she's not Chinese!

Hey, is it too late
for me to join?

Come on, come on!

Put your 5 francs in here.
Chance of a lifetime.

8,000 francs
in the pool.
Come on.

That's it.

Get me that one
with the stuff on it
that looks like spinach.

You know that hideous thing
I made this morning.

Oh, yes,
I know. Pardon.

Surely.

Well, where in the world
did you get that hat?

It looks
positively moldy!

Well, I bought it
from you three days ago.

I don't care
where you bought it.
It's out of style.

I decided this morning
that all hats should be
off the face.

That's the one.

Oh, I'm looking for
something for the weekend.
Weekend in the country.

I'll show you
some amusing models.

Yeah, not too
convulsing, please.

Pardon.

HELENE: You don't call this
a hat, Simone?

SIMONE:
Good heavens, no!

No one ever
accused me
of selling hats.

But it looks
dreadful on me.

That doesn't make
a bit of difference.
You'll take it. It's smart.

What do you think,
Jacques?

Why, never let
a man tell you
what to wear, my dear.

The minute you do,
you've lost him.

Well, it's...
Oh, I think it's
a dream on you.

You know, it
does something
for your face.

It gives you a chin.

Hello, Baroness.

Hello. Thanks
for the flowers.

They were lovely.
Were they?

How thoughtful.

Well, I thought I owed
the Baroness something
after our losses.

Here's something
for golf.

Oh, if you want it
for duck shooting,

we replace
the golf balls
with eggs.

There won't be
any duck shooting,
will there?

Where?
Oh, I forgot
to thank you.

It was darling of you
to ask me to your place
for the weekend.

My place?

Yes, I just ran
into your husband.

He invited me.

Georges seems to be
inviting everyone
this weekend.

Well, if it's going
to be a crowd, I'm sure
this will be all right.

Send it to the Ritz,
Baroness Czerny.

Why, the woman isn't human,
buying a hat without
trying it on.

Oh, I haven't time.
I'm so busy shopping.

Where's the best place
for riding boots?

Oh, Iribes.
Just around the corner.

Left, right,
or the corner
across the street?

I don't suppose
you could show me.

Well...
Do, Jacques,
by all means.

I'd hate to have you
get lost in Paris.
Thank you.

I'll send him
back as good as new.
Come, Jacques. Goodbye.

Goodbye.

Well, did you ever,
in all your life...

You poor thing. And
good men so scarce.

Who is that woman, anyway?

Why, I thought
she was a friend
of yours.

I never saw her before
last night. Did you hear
what she said about my chin?

Why, you've
got plenty of chin.
Just keep it up.

Why, hello,
Stephanie.

Oh, there you are.

Oh, hello, Helene.

Oh, dear. If ever
a woman needed
a new hat, it's I.

I'm being sued
for 50,000 francs.
No!

By whom?

By the
Archduchess of Mendola.

You know that creature
I had thrown out
last night,

and I thought it was
that Eve Peabody?

It really was
the Archduchess of Mendola.

No!
Yes.

Then the imposter
is still unaccounted for.

Yes, that's right.

Stephanie,
do you still have
that pawn ticket?

Heard any news
about Czerny's girl?

They haven't
found her, yet.

I'm going to take a look
around the Arc de Triomphe.

Win.

Pierre! They think
they saw Czerny's girl
on the Rue de Rivoli.

We're on our way.

Oh, what a day.

I could eat it
with a spoon.

Well, I hoped
there would be
a thunderstorm.

The road blocked,
the bridges washed out

and Ferdinand killed
by a falling tree.

Then a little wayside inn
with a pheasant roasting
over the fire.

Oh, no, I wouldn't have
much appetite. Not with
Ferdinand dead in a puddle.

There'll be hundreds
of people at
the Flammarion's.

We'll never see
each other alone.

Good.
What's good about it?

I'm a married woman.

Why didn't I
meet you first?

Oh, Jacques!
Come on now,
be honest.

If you had,
you'd have run
like a jack rabbit.

Well, my mother
always says...

Now, never mind
that mother of yours.

(BLOWING WHISTLE)

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

What's the idea of
bumping into my cab?

Are you implying that
we ran into you?

You heard me!

You'd better change your tone,
my friend. You're entirely in
the wrong, as I can testify.

Well, I've got
to report this to
the insurance people.

Why, this car belongs
to the Baroness Czerny.

Who?

This lady,
Baroness Czerny,
Ritz Hotel.

Drive on, Ferdinand.

Yes, madame.

I am a rich man!

Let me through.
Here.

Where is the money?
I've found her.

One cognac.
What's that you say?

Let's wait
for the cognac.

Come on, you can
talk without a cognac.

It's for you, Czerny,
when you hear what
I've got to say.

Come on!

She lives at the Ritz.

She's got a high-class car
with a chauffeur that
drives like this.

And now would you
like to know what
her name is?

Her name is
Eve Peabody.

Oh, no, it isn't.
Not now!

It's Czerny.
Czerny?

The Baroness Czerny.

Give me that cognac!

(CAR HORN BLOWING)

Good afternoon,
Monsieur Picot.
Good afternoon, madame.

Good afternoon.

JACQUES: It's rather
overpowering,
isn't it?

Oh, nonsense. You could
put it in the left wing
of the Czerny Chateau.

Oh, Monsieur Picot,
I have very good
news for you.

We found
your cuff link.
You did?

It was in
Madame Flammarion's
sitting room.

The wind probably
blew it in.

Well. Nice drive down?

We thought
you were lost.

Oh, it was so lovely
we dawdled a little.
Dawdled?

Yes. We stopped
at a little lake
and skipped pebbles.

Tomorrow, you can
roll hoops if you
feel like It.

Where are you putting
the Baroness and
Jacques, Helene?

Why, we have you
in the east wing.
You get the morning sun there.

And you, of course,
have your usual room.

In the west wing, sir.

Let me take you up,
Baroness.

Thank you.

Oh, Jacques,
you have my comb.

So I have.

Thanks.

Nice little bungalow
you've got here. I wish
I'd brought my roller skates.

Yes, it's
18th century,
my dear.

I bought it from the
15th Duke of Navarre
for a song.

A shining example
of trade over tradition.

How's it going?

All right. In fact,
a little better
than all right.

That boy ought to have
his brakes relined.

I know his speed.

Yesterday he suggested that
we cruise the Mediterranean
on his yacht,

and this morning he appeared
with an emerald as big
as a trouser button.

I'll take it out
of your salary.

Don't worry,
I refused it.

Why? Get everything
you can out of this deal.

That's what I'm doing.

You know something?
I have a crazy idea he may
ask me to divorce my husband.

And marry him?
You don't know
Jacques Picot.

You don't know
Eve Peabody.

Now, listen, we had
the windows open.

When you ride with
the windows open,

your hair gets blown
and you have to comb it.

Besides,
it's none of my business.
Why don't you say that?

All right, Helene.
Let's have a few
serious words, shall we?

I don't think you have
six serious words in you.

Oh, yes.
I could make
a very noble speech.

I could say that
we've played with fire.

That Georges is
a friend of mine,

that I don't want to
endanger a happy marriage.

Well, the truth is,

and I'm going to ask
you to face it squarely...

You're in love
with her.

I am.

What's the matter?

That's what I adore
about you.

You're behaving
like a schoolboy.

A woman walks
into the room
and looks at you,

and you lose your head.

You dawdle, and sit
by the fire and
throw pebbles.

You really are
a darling.

She's wonderful.

But you don't know
anything about her.
None of us do.

I've asked all of my friends,
and nobody's ever
heard of her.

Who is she?
Maybe her hair's dyed.

Maybe she's poisoned
three husbands. Maybe we'll
find out things about her.

You're jealous, Helene.

Terribly. Fun, isn't it?

Milk or lemon?

Where do you
think you're going?

Inside, to talk
to the Baroness Czerny.

The Baroness Czerny's
not ordered a taxi!

She's out of town
for the weekend.
Where?

We don't give out
any information
regarding our guests.

Where?
Move along,
my good man.

(CAR HORNS BLARING)

Stop it!
Stop at once!

Where is she?

Where is she?

The Chateau Flammarion
at Versailles.

That's all
I wanted to know.

(INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYING)

That's la conga.

Oh, come on,
everybody do la conga!

Hello, Jean.
Good evening,
Monsieur Renard.

You're rather late.
I know.

Have this luggage
taken to my room,
will you?

Could there be some mistake,
monsieur? This doesn't seem
to be your luggage.

Never mind.
Have it taken up by
the back way. Immediately.

You understand?
Yes, monsieur.

Where's Madame Flammarion?

She is dancing, sir.
Monsieur Marcel Renard.

How's it going?

Superstitious?

Don't forget,
every Cinderella
has her midnight.

Helene.

Helene.
What?

They're here.
What?

The luggage has arrived
from Monte Carlo.

I've just...
Excuse me.

Certainly.

I've just come
from the airport.

Where is it?
In my room. Come on.

Have you opened it yet?
Not yet.

I'm simply dying
of curiosity.

Isn't it enthralling?

The Secret of the Pink
Pawn Ticket or The Case
of the Mysterious Baroness.

Oh, nothing
but clothes.

MARCEL: Well,
this is her size.

We need more proof than that.
Oh, Marcel, I could cry.

Wait a moment.
Look at that third girl
from the left.

Why, it does
look like...

I think it is.

If we could
really be sure...

Well, that's her
figure, all right.

Poor Jacques!
Oh, my soul,
this is heaven.

Baroness Czerny indeed!
Of all the impudence.

The consummate
impudence!

We'll take
this with us.

Now, Helene, don't let's
hush this up, and don't
let's wait till tomorrow.

Go on, let's have
a lovely scandal!

All right, all right,
but don't interrupt.

I know you won't do it,
but let's just suppose.

Oh, sure,
I'll suppose.

Well, what if we ran
down this gravel path
to the garage,

took the car
and drove it off
just as we are?

No toothbrush?

I said don't interrupt.

The two of us
roaring down
through the night.

Let's see what time it is.
It's 20 minutes of 12:00.

We could get there
just about dawn.

You know, if it's that
little wayside inn,
let's save the gas.

Oh, no, no, no.
This is an old country
place in the woods.

We'll clatter
the great bell
beside the door. Hard.

You see,
the butler is deaf.

And upstairs, there's
a very little old lady.

I'll lead you into the room
and I'll say, "Mother..."

Oh, Mother's back again?

"Mother," I'll say,
"here she is.
I've found her."

And the dawn will be
pale behind the oaks.

It won't be
as pale as Mother.

"Mother," I'll say,
"it's this one
or no one."

Baroness Czerny, you...
You promised me a dance.

Did I?
A midnight dance.

Oh, but please,
it's not...

It's... It's midnight.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I'll be back.
I hope.

What's up?
Hush.

The ground has just
opened under our feet.

Park it.

You take it.

Well...

And me all set to jump
for that tub of butter.

We've landed in
something, all right,
but it's not butter.

Here they come.

I'll stand by you
as best I can.

Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have a word, please.

I want to tell you something
which I think will both
interest and amuse you.

Under our roof tonight,
we have, as a guest,

a person claiming one
of the oldest names in
the Almanach de Gotha.

(INCOHERENT CHATTERING)

I don't know how many
of you are familiar with
the Hungarian aristocracy,

but let me assure you
that in all middle Europe

there is no family...

MAN: Baron Tibor Czerny.

Well!

Do you know him?

Yes.

Welcome to my house,
my dear Baron.

It's been a long time
since we've met.

Oh, yes,
years and years.

I just arrived in Paris,
and they told me at the hotel

my wife was here,

so I'm trespassing on
your hospitality. I couldn't
wait to see her. Where is she?

Oh, here I am, Tibor.

What's the idea, Skipper?

I've been hungry
to see my little wife.

Excuse me.

That's enough.

Oh, Helene, I want you
to meet an old friend
of mine. Baron Czerny.

Madame Flammarion.

It's a great pleasure
to have you with us, too.
You have such a gay wife.

She's simply captivated
all my guests.

I trust you've been
behaving yourself,
darling?

Divinely! Oh, of course,
you must meet Jacques
Picot. Jacques?

I know you want
to meet the husband
of the Baroness.

How do you do?
How do you do?

They've been inseparable.

I warn you,
we Hungarians are
very jealous husbands.

Remember our honeymoon
in Copenhagen, darling?
That Danish officer?

Oh, oh, Olaf.
Oh, I never even
looked at him!

Poor fellow,
he's dead now.
Heaven forgive me.

Oh, you're
that kind of man!
How wonderful.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'll see about putting
you up.

We'll move you
to a larger room where
you can both be comfortable.

If it's just
as convenient...

Oh, of course,
of course.
Stay where you are.

We can put Czerny
on the third floor.

We prefer
Madame Flammarion's plan,
don't we, darling?

Just as you say,
Tibor.

Present the Baron
to the rest of
our guests, Georges.

Surely.

Well, Jacques?

Well, what?
I eat husbands.

Not this one.

She's in love
with him.

Are you quite sure
we were wrong?

Don't be an idiot! Georges
knows him. We nearly made
fools of ourselves.

But what about
that resemblance?

Coincidence.

We've put you in here.

Oh, what
a delightful room.

It's the bridal suite
of the chateau.

Well, in a way, this is
very like a honeymoon,
isn't it, darling?

In a way.

I feel as if I've been
hit on the head with
an old shoe.

There's a burglar alarm
there by the bed in case
of any nocturnal disturbance.

Oh, Georges,
we have no burglars!

The Czernys are tired,
we mustn't keep them up.

Good night.
Good night.

Two short rings
will rouse the house.
Thanks.

Well?

Delightful people.
I'm so glad you
ran into them.

What are you
doing here?

I flew from Budapest.

They told me at
the Ritz my wife was here.
You don't seem very pleased.

Oh, come on now,
what do you want?

Oh! I'm getting sleepy,
darling. Aren't you?

Not in the least.

You know, your sudden
disappearance upset me
quite a bit.

But now it's all right.

Stop it, Skipper.

Oh, they put my pajamas
on the wrong side of the bed.

Listen. One more
button, and I'll pull
the emergency cord.

That must be
the alarm right there.

Oh, won't you please
get out of here?

Now, is that a nice way
to talk to the man whose
name you bear?

All right,
I took your name.
So what?

I'm so delighted.

It was the first name
that came into my mind.

For a very
special reason.

No, I might have
taken any other name.

I believe in Freud and
the subconscious. You chose
the name you wanted. My name.

I suppose
you're Baron Czerny.

If you're speaking about
that diabetic idiot
in Budapest,

I'm his eighth cousin
once removed,

which makes me
more of a Baron than
you are a Baroness.

Then how come
you're driving a taxi?

I climbed up to it
by easy stages.

There's nothing like
a little wife who's interested
in her husband's career.

Cut it out, Skipper.

Oh, Eve.

Please go away.

You can't run away
from what's started
between us.

I know we're right
for each other.

I know it deep down
in my bones. Don't you?

That's why I didn't accept
that room of yours.

There were no strings on that.
I was driving all night.

I know it. You said,
"Clear out before
I get back,"

but that's not the way
it would have worked out.

I'd have awakened
in the morning in that
extra shirt of yours, and...

And then I'd have
waited to thank you.

And I'd have asked you
to marry me.

I probably would have.

Oh, don't you see?
We'd have had a few grand
weeks and a lot of laughs.

I'd have darned your socks
while you bumped around
in that old taxi,

scraping our
40 francs together.

And then
all of a sudden,

the walls of that
one room would have
started crowding in on us.

Yeah, I know that one.

When you're poor,
love flies out
the window.

Well, I saw it happen
to my father and mother.

So many worries,
so many quarrels, they...
They just gave up.

They didn't even
hate each other.

I suppose love is safer
in a place like this.

Please, Skipper,
don't let's make
a mess of our lives.

We're no good
for each other,
believe me.

Oh, don't be a fool,
Eve.

No!

Get your things together,
we're starting back.

No! No, I won't go!

Oh, listen,
I've just had
a swell break.

I got in with this crowd.
Things are beginning
to work out.

There's a man... Well...
It's what I've been
waiting for all my life.

Please! Please!
We'll make some excuse
to those people downstairs

and you'll leave
in the morning.

Careful, this is
a rented suit!

HELENE: Ready for some
breakfast, darling?

GEORGES:
Yes, my dear child.

Good morning, Marcel.

Good morning, Helene.

Good morning,
Mr. Picot.

Good morning.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.

Good morning.

Oh, now.

If your face was
any longer, you could
skip rope with it.

Did you expect to
find me all smiles?

Well, I must admit
it was very pleasant
when he was in Budapest.

But you always...

The way you
spoke of him, I...
Good morning.

GEORGES: Good morning.
MARCEL: Good morning.

Everyone
sleep well?

EVE: Oh, I did.
Like a baby.

Is the Baron
coming down?

I think so.
I left him shaving.

What's your choice,
Baroness, kidneys,
omelet, chicken livers?

EVE: I'll have them all
in the order named.
I'm starving!

MARCEL:
I can't make up
my mind what to eat.

Wasn't there some animal
that starved between
two haystacks

because he
couldn't decide?

GEORGES: Yes, a jackass.

(LAUGHING)

What was that
you said before?

Good morning again, dear.
Good morning, darling.

Good morning, Baron.
Good morning.

Good morning.
I'm so sorry, darling,

I couldn't wait for you.
I was too hungry.

I'm afraid you'll have
to hurry your breakfast.

I've just had bad news.

About what?

Now... Now, don't
be alarmed, darling.
It's nothing serious, I hope.

Well, what is it?

It's about Francie.

Francie?

Yes.

Francie's our little daughter.

She's... She's
three years old.

You haven't told them
anything about Francie?

Oh, well, I... I...

I... I just had
a wire from home,
and she's very ill.

Oh, is she?

Oh, how wretched!
What is it?

Measles.

Why, that's
nothing serious.

No. Why, sometimes
that polka-dot effect
is very becoming.

And Francie's
the healthiest child
in the world.

Yes, but the strongest
are often the hardest hit.

When did you
get the wire?

Just after you came
down to breakfast.

Could I see it,
please?

Yes, certainly.

Oh, your poor mother!
She must be frightened
to death.

Where's the
nearest telephone?

In the main hall.

Why, what are you
going to do?

Telephone Budapest.

While I'm getting
the connection,

may I ask you to look up
the airplane schedule?

Trust me, my dear.

With a child dangerously ill,
the telephone will
be disconnected!

Tibor, please don't
argue with me.

I forbid you
to telephone!

My dear Baron, the day
is passed when a man
forbids his wife anything.

You keep out of this.
I will not.

Oh, please, my nerves.

What business
is it of yours?

I'm so very
fond of children.

Oh, you are!

Hello, operator.
I want long distance
to Budapest.

The name is Czerny.

It's the only Czerny
in the book. It's very
urgent. Please.

What are you
doing that for?
It won't help a bit.

Oh, Tibor, it makes
things easier for me.

I'm so sorry.

Thank you.

Could we go back
until the call
comes through?

I'd like to finish
my breakfast.
Marcel.

Well, I thought
it might distract
the Baroness.

I remember when
my poor father
fell off the yacht.

We were having Cr�pes Suzette
at the time. Well, it made
all the difference!

I'm taking that call
when it comes through.

No! No, Tibor,
I couldn't trust you.

You know,
if it's bad news,
he'll try to spare me.

Oh, darling, I know
your nerves are just
as strained as mine.

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Hello. Yes, Budapest.
Who is this speaking?

It's your mother.
Oh, yes, Mama.
How's Francie?

Well, what did
the doctor say?

Oh, good!

The baby's temperature's
gone down and the spots
have practically disappeared!

What did you say, Mother?

It isn't measles
at all.

No, dear,
it's just a plain case
of alcohol poisoning.

The baby must have had
one highball too many.

She was out all night.
We picked her up
in the gutter.

Oh, how cute of her.

Oh, she loves
it so. Yeah.

You mean
I can speak to her?

Hello, Francie darling!
Oh, it's Francie. Listen.

Hello.
Hello, Dada.

Is that you, Dada?

Yes, yes,
this is your Dada.

Send her a kiss
for me.

Dada, Dada, Dada...

Goodbye now, dear.
I'll see you soon.

Oh, isn't it
wonderful.

It was just a heat rash.
We don't have to
leave at all.

You snake.
I'll show you.

Oh, poor little Daddykins.
Oh, was he so worried?

(MUMBLING)

Aren't children terrifying?

Well, when I was a child,
I used to swallow things.

They didn't dare leave
me alone in the room
with an armchair.

Well, now that
the crisis is passed,

shall we go back and
finish our breakfast?

Of course.

Hello, Dada.

I'll talk to you
later, Francie.

Georges,
where's the Baron?

I don't think
the Baron's hungry.

Oh, he'll be
all right. He...

Tibor!

Tibor!

I'm coming, darling.

No plover's eggs, you see.
Now, you promised me
plover's eggs.

Oh, I'm sorry, Marcel.
I ordered them.

Maurice, what happened
to the plover's eggs?

They didn't arrive,
madam.

We tried to
get in touch
with the market,

but the telephone
has been out of order
ever since last night.

Nonsense.
We just telephoned
from the main hall.

The house telephone
works, madam.

We were talking
to Budapest.

There must be
some mistake,
madam.

I wasn't able to
use the telephone
10 minutes ago.

Really, Maurice,
that's impossible.

It's in perfect
working order.

The Baroness was just
talking to Budapest, and
the connection was very good,

wasn't it,
Baroness?

I'm afraid he's right,
Madame Flammarion. I wasn't
really talking to Budapest.

You weren't?

But we all heard you.

Of course you talked
to Budapest.

No, I didn't. And I'm
going to tell you something
even more surprising.

Tibor and I haven't
any daughter.

Well, what is all this,
in heaven's name?

Are you feeling
quite well, my dear?

Oh, perfectly.

I shouldn't trouble you
with my unhappy marriage.

I... Forget
what I said.

Oh, do tell us, please!
Go on, please!

It seems so disloyal
to poor Tibor.

HELENE: Well,
you can't stop now!

No. If you do,
it'll kill Marcel.

All right.

When I married,
I didn't realize that,

in the Czerny family,
there was a streak of...

Shall we
say eccentricity?

And yet
I had warning.

Why else should
his grandfather have sent me,
as an engagement present,

one roller skate
covered with Thousand
Island dressing?

What?

Of course, of course.
I'd forgotten.

The Czernys, they're all like
that. You know, I met an old
aunt. The Countess Antonia.

I thought
she was an Indian.

Turned out she used paprika
instead of face powder.

HELENE: But your husband
seems quite normal.

Oh, he is, for long stretches,
and then comes one
of his attacks.

This morning was typical.
Waking up and imagining
we had a daughter.

And a daughter
with measles, too.

One mustn't
contradict him,
of course.

Does he get
violent if you do?

Oh, yes. He breaks things
and eats them sometimes.

Well, I used
to do that.

And you have put up
with this for years?

I came to Paris
this time to get away,
but he followed me.

Once before I tried.

I was hiding in Capri.
He made a violent
entrance into the hotel,

disguised as a fisherman,
and tried to have me
shot as a spy.

At least
he has imagination.

But there are moments
when he's so sweet.

One can't help
loving him.

You're wonderful!
Isn't she?

Amazing!

(CAR HONKING)

A taxi. What's
a taxi doing here?

Oh, the driver must
have made a mistake.

You don't suppose...
Oh, no, it can't be.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We're all with you.

Let's call a doctor.
Oh, no, no, no.

That would be
the worst thing.

Well, what do you
say to this?

Why, Baron!

Do I look
like a Baron?

Tibor. Now, Tibor.

Come on,
tell them who I am.

He's not a Baron,
he's a taxi driver.

Well, isn't
that interesting.

Nothing keeps one out
in the air so much,
does it?

Except, perhaps,
being a fisherman.

How long have you
been driving a taxi?

Four years,
the Gare de Lyon district.

If one of your limousines
breaks down, you might
call on me sometime.

Tibor!
I imagine this
is the first time

your chateau has entertained
a member of the working class.

Well, times have changed,
haven't they?

Now, what would you
like for breakfast?

Nothing.

I have a few more things
to tell you, then you
can throw us out of here.

Tibor, look at me.
Look straight into
my eyes.

Let me hold
your hand.

It's too late now!

We'll make
a clean breast of things,
whether you like it or not!

Let go of that woman's hands.
You notice I didn't say,
"My wife's,"

because she's
not my wife.

Oh, Tibor.

Well, are you?

No, Tibor.

She's a spy.
A what?

She's an American gold digger
I picked up in Paris less
than a week ago.

Right?
Yes, Tibor.

Without a sou
to her name!

No, Tibor.

But there was
something about
her nose,

and the way the raindrops
trickled down it from
that newspaper.

Newspaper?
Yeah, she was wearing
one instead of a hat.

Oh, yeah.

Yes.

She twisted me
around her finger
in two minutes.

I was crazy about her.

She made me think
she felt the same
way about me

until she remembered
she had other fish to fry.

Fish like you. Goldfish!

Oh, please,
Baron Czerny!

I'm not a Baron!

Oh, I'm so sorry.
Please have a little
bite of breakfast now.

Yes.

You'd better.
We're all going to ride
cross-country this afternoon.

What's the matter
with all of you?

Why, nothing at all.

You all act
as though nothing
had happened.

Well, Tibor, what
has happened?

What's happened?

Didn't you hear what I said?
I wasn't fooling!

We're a pair of impostors!
You don't want us
around here!

They're terribly
broad-minded people, Tibor.

What are you
smirking about?
Now, stop it.

Don't talk like that
to your wife.

She's not my wife!

Haven't you heard what I said?
Are you all deaf,
or are you crazy?

You're the one
who's crazy, Czerny.
We know all about it.

Oh, so that's it.
Oh, my china.

He'll eat it!

(ALL CLAMORING)

EVE: No, no,
don't hurt him!

Don't hurt him!
Oh, no!

That's enough,
that's enough.

Oh, Tibor!

Come, my dear.

But, Jacques,
he's her husband.

Not from now on.
I'm taking care of that.

She's going to marry me.
Aren't you, darling?

He's cut!
He's bleeding! Look!

No, no, that's just
the gravy from
the kidneys.

How is he?
Fine. Pulse
like a trip-hammer.

Here, I'll do that.
No, no, no,
I'll do it. Here.

Skipper.
You know,
you better

leave the skipper to me.

I'll see he gets back
to Paris all right.

I'll give him
a few thousand francs.

He deserves it.
His performance was
extremely helpful.

Are you and Jacques
planning an autumn wedding?

Nice kind of marriage.

As we turn from the altar,
I start explaining,
I suppose.

My dear, you know it's
amazing how little one has
to explain to a man in love.

And when he stops
being in love?

Well, that's when
the alimony'll begin!

Now, don't be
soft-hearted.

Remember, every time
somebody orders champagne,

Jacques' income bubbles!

Yeah. Listen,
you've always heard
it's hard to be honest.

Let me tell you,
it's a cinch.

What's tough
is to be a good,
competent crook.

Leave me alone
with him.

All right.
I'll be outside
if you need me.

Are you feeling better?

(GROANS)

It's all right.
It's me. It's Eve.

Where are we?
In the chateau.
You got hit on the head.

Oh, yeah. You told
them I was crazy.

You'll feel better
on the way home.

Home? It'll take
two men pushing
and two men pulling

to get me
away from here.

Oh, but I'm
going with you.

Going where?

Back to Paris.

Isn't that what
you came here for?
To take me away?

What's the catch?

Oh, now,
you can't back out now.

You told me I could stay
in that apartment of yours.

Well, I'm moving in.

What's come over you?

I tried to be practical,
but it's no use.
I just can't be.

Come on, get up.

How's your head?

It's bursting,
thank you.

Oh, you poor darling.

What are you being
so sweet about?

Well, it's all my fault.

Oh, it didn't
work, huh?
What?

Your... Your little
stunt downstairs.

Come on, Skipper.
Now, are you coming?

No! It's too bad
you didn't land that
fathead Jacques Picot.

He's not a fathead.

Why, because he
found you out?

I can tell when a Baroness
has had a swift kick!

Listen, you big idiot.
Jacques Picot just
proposed to me.

(SCOFFS)

Are you surprised
somebody else wants
to marry me?

You said no,
I suppose.

I said nothing,
but if you keep on,
I'll say yes.

That's fine!
That's where
I step in.

What can you do?
Don't forget,
you're married to me!

I'm not married to you.
Jacques Picot
thinks you are.

You're in a fine mess.

You've got to get a divorce
from a man you aren't
even married to.

All right,
I'll get a divorce!

Just try it!

Watch me.

Well, is it settled?

Except for
a small formality.

Where are you going?

My address is
143 Rue Martel.

You can serve me
with the papers there!

What happened?

Nothing at all.

All we need now
is a good lawyer.

JUDGE: So thereupon
you filed an action
for divorce.

You didn't like the color
of your wife's hair,
I suppose.

Your husband forgot to put
the top on the toothpaste
tube, perhaps.

Well, that's not
what the courts
of France are for!

We don't regard marriage
as a vaudeville

that you leave
when you cease
to be amused.

This isn't the United States
of America, nor is it
the city of Nero, Nebraska.

It's France!

You've let a little matter
of personal antipathy

interfere with your duty
to your country.

Go home. Case dismissed!

I'm sorry we're
before this judge.
He's a little heavy-handed.

If he ever finds out,
I'll be disbarred.

How are your jails
in France?

Don't worry.

What if Czerny decides
not to play ball?

I came up in
the elevator with him.
He was very friendly.

Especially when I suggested
a financial arrangement if
the divorce goes through.

You shouldn't
have done that.

He's not the kind
of man you can buy.

The next case on the calendar.
Action for divorce,
Czerny against Czerny.

Everything will be
all right, darling.

I hope so.
I know it will.

In half an hour
you'll be free, and
in a week we'll be married.

You're holding up
the proceedings.

Let me see. In this action,
Madame Czerny is
represented by...

LEBON: Ma�tre Lebon.

And the defendant
Baron Czerny?

This is a Republic.
I prefer to be known
as Mr. Czerny.

Good.
Who's your lawyer?

I shall look out
for my own interests.

Among your papers,
I don't seem to find
the marriage certificate.

There is none.
But if the court wishes,

we will put on the stand
a witness from the
Chinese Consulate

to prove that the hall
of records in Shanghai

was bombed and
destroyed in April, 1937.

Married in Shanghai,
were you?

I admit the marriage.

Well, you'd hardly be
asking me to divorce you

if you'd never been
married, would you?

Your grounds for
asking this divorce are?

Mental cruelty.

Oh, that again.

Suppose you describe
this mental cruelty?

May it please the court,
my client can testify
under oath

that, in all the time
she and the defendant
have been together,

he has objected to
every one of her actions.

During that period,
he tried to break up
every friendship she formed.

He had frequent violent
attacks of jealousy.

He used abusive language
when alone with the plaintiff,

and in the presence
of others.

What language?

He... He called her
a gold digger for one thing.

Oh, I've had enough!

This is a familiar
picture to me,

and I find it deplorable
that in a time of vast
world unrest,

two grown-up people
are unable to iron out

their own
childish, finnicking,
imponderable squabbles.

There's a very healthy law
in Albania, I think it is,

that a husband may bring
his wife back to her senses
by spanking her,

not more than nine blows,

with any instrument
not larger than a broomstick.

What do you say to that?
You mean...

I say
it's a fine rule.

A husband should
have that privilege,
and no wife would resent it

if she knew
he loved her.

Did he ever say,
"I love you"?

Not once.

Not when I was ready
to give up everything

and scrub floors for him
if that was necessary.

Oh, I was wrong
in the beginning,
I admit that.

Then I came to think
he was the only thing
that mattered.

I didn't care what
he had or who he was,
a Baron or a gutter sweep.

Is that so incredible?

Wouldn't you believe
a woman if she said it?

If she stood
like a beggar
with a tin cup,

waiting for you
to drop in
three little words,

"I believe you,"
or "I love you," or
anything warm and human.

Do you know
what he said?

He said, "Is that so?"
and he said it with
a smirking, cynical grin.

Do you know
what I call that?

Mental cruelty!

Thank you,
Your Honor.

As a judge who
has been sitting on
this bench for 35 years,

I want to say that
is as sincere a plea
as I have ever heard.

My eyesight isn't
what it once was,

but I can still see
it's made by a very
beautiful woman.

She is still your wife.

Before the law
grants her,
her freedom,

you have the right
to answer her accusations.

No answer.

In other words, you're not
contesting this divorce?

I am not.

You mean you're letting
a woman like that slip
through your fingers?

Don't you want
to say something?

I just want
some water.

I'm not a waiter,
young man.

As for this divorce,
before judgment
is pronounced,

there's a formality provided
by French law.

Will the husband
and wife retire to
the reconciliation room?

The law compels them
to spend 15 minutes
alone together.

A last chance to talk
things over and reconcile
their differences.

That door over there.

It's a waste of time.

It's a confounded nuisance,
but it's the law.

Do you think she's safe
with him alone in there?

We'll hear her
if she screams.

This means the end
of Jacques as
an extra man.

Do you mind
very much, Helene?

Surprisingly little.

Well, 15 minutes to kill.

Better sit down.
I'll stand,
thank you.

You're not cross,
are you, Baroness?

You're the one that
wants this divorce,
you know?

So, you took money, huh?

I thought money didn't
matter to you. No, of course
it didn't. In small sums!

You and your principles.

I thought you were going
to fight. You practically
threw me at his head.

Well, you picked his head.

You had to pick
a fat one, too,

otherwise your nasty
little trick wouldn't work.

Well, maybe
it was a dirty trick,

but I'll make it
up to him when
I'm his wife.

Say, have you
a mirror?

Thank you.

What are you doing?

Shaving.

Here?

Well, why not?

Are you crazy?

That's what you
said, didn't you?

I left the water
outside. Pardon me.

Oh, Tibor, stop it.

I forgot the water.
I'm sorry.

Wonderful stuff.
It works just as
well with cold water.

Young man,
are you insane?

Oh, I get very cross
when people say
that to me.

I'll see you later,
Your Honor.

Essential information
has been withheld
from this court!

I want witnesses as to
the mental condition
of the defendant!

You! You!
You are his friends!
You knew this?

If it please the court,
it's not a violent case.

It is just that he thinks
he's a taxi driver or
a fisherman now and then.

(KNOCKING AT DOOR)

MAN: The judge wants
to see you at once.

Here it is.
Come on.

Quiet, everybody.

Young woman,
you almost succeeded
in wheedling this court

into what would have been
a serious miscarriage
of justice.

According to
the wise provisions
of the French law,

no divorce can be granted
where either party is
mentally unstable.

Go home with your
unfortunate husband,
young woman,

and get it out of your head
that you can ever get rid
of this man. Ever!

Divorce refused.
Case dismissed.

Don't worry, darling.

We'll get you a divorce
in Mexico or in Russia.
Anywhere.

No, Jacques.
Of course we can.
It's simple.

Jacques, you've had
a stroke of luck.

What do you mean?

You mustn't ever get married.
It would be unfair to
so many women.

You're turning me down.

No. I'm setting
you free.

Taxi?

Step right in,
just around the corner.

What?
The License Bureau.

Oh, listen, Skipper,
you'd better think it over.

I have thought it over.

I won't promise to
manage on 40 francs a day.

Who said 40?
With you around, I'll
make as much as we want.

Anything is possible.
Don't argue.

Where are you
two going?

To get married.
Oh.

What?