Original subtitles

-[Voiceover] In the beginning, there was 1967.

Casual sex was born and celebrated.

Men and women everywhere enjoyed

a new sense of sexual freedom.

But by the end of the 70s,

there was a terrible buzzkill

and the party was over for everyone.

Then came the 80s,

and casual sex suffered further under President Nancy Reagan.

-F'ing Canadian!

-[Voiceover] But that too did pass,

and the 90s brought forth another revolution,

casual sex under reprieve and a new sense of acceptance.

During this time, Al Gore invented the internet.

Electronic mail and personal advertisements

were soon targeting an unsuspecting public.

Millions began connecting with others unknown

for the sole purpose of instant personal gratification.

This modern marvel soon turned wicked.

And spawned the philandering creature,

the married man.

This is his story.

* The penis is the loneliest of animals

* Wandering here and there

* Roaming around from town to town

* Beneath a nest of hair

* You may think his life's a breeze

* Easy and carefree

* But sometimes it gets very sad

* If it's not where it should be

* It should be in a vagina

* It should be in a vagina

* Life don't get much funner yeah

* That's the way it is

-Hello?

I'm home.

Anybody?

Mom?

(speaks foreign language)

You promised!

(hushes)

(speaks foreign language)

Can you feel how happy you make me?

-Ooh la la.

-I know where we can go.

(moans of pleasure)

(speaks foreign language)

I think my brother's watching scrambled porn again.

(speaks foreign language)

Busted!

(screams)

Mom?

-You're home early!

-[Voiceover] This is Diane.

-Hello (laughs).

-[Voiceover] Married for 19 years, three kids,

all of them couldn't tell you when it was her birthday.

Diane met Phil's three requirements for casual sex,

human, alive, married.

-Which is pretty pathetic when you consider

there's eight million people in Naked City.

You'd think I could find at least one married

woman who'd want to F word.

-[Woman] I need to use the phone.

-Wait just a minute.

-Why can't you remember to lock the front door?

-I left a set with Gene in the car.

-What are you doing?

-Online.

-Playing web games again?

-No, shopping,

for your birthday.

-It's a little early to be shopping for my birthday isn't it?

-Well, Lordy Lordy, here comes 40.

-[Woman] Don't remind me.

-Who do you need to talk to so urgently?

-Look, I'm tired of competing with you

when I need to use the phone.

-I'm working on getting an upgrade.

-We must be the last family still using dial up.

-You're the one that's all about saving money.

-Then I surrender, Ok?

We need a better connection.

-How about a high speed fiber optic cable for your birthday?

Wouldn't that be romantic?

-I'll make it easy for you.

All I want is a vacation.

-Is that all?

-Yeah, get off soon Ok?

(moans)

-Everyone has an excuse.

I do.

-[Voiceover] Phil liked the applause.

-All right?

-[Voiceover] Phil liked saying yes.

-[Phil] Of course you deserve a loan without

any verifiable income.

-[Voiceover] Phil liked being appreciated

for doing what Phil was expected to do,

day after day, week after week.

-Sorry but you're much to responsible for a loan modification.

-[Voiceover] Year after year,

being the hero,

-Need a jump?

-[Voiceover] Phil was happy with his row.

For Phil, it was a fair trade for true love and

happy penis.

-Absolutely!

-[Voiceover] Then at some point the applause lessened,

appreciation waned.

But Phil was fine with this life of quiet desperation.

As long as Phil was getting laid.

-[Doctor] Please, please, have a seat.

(unclear) for the pleasure.

-What did you say?

-Easy now, just relax.

-[Phil] I think I'm gonna get a (mumbles).

-You 42?

-37.

-I think you are a little young to be in

for a prostate exam, aren't you?

-Well, I thought it'd be a good idea.

-How long have you been married?

-[Phil] 12 years.

-Long time.

Do you have regular intercourse?

-Almost always, so boring.

-That's not what I meant.

-I try to get backdoor, she always says no.

I know why now.

Are we almost done?

-Oh course, yeah, yeah.

Yep!

Do you have regular ejaculation,

like daily, weekly, monthly?

-Why are you asking me this?

-Because see your urine sample test

always indicates excessive amounts of seminal fluids.

-[Phil] What does that mean?

-It's not healthy.

See, your body constantly manufacturers sperm.

And when you don't ejaculate regularly

semens is absorbed back into the body.

This creates stress on the testes,

which in turns harms your prostate.

-English?

-Blue balls kill Phil.

Call me for a follow up.

-[Phil] Come on honey, doctor's orders.

-[Woman] I would prefer not to.

-If I don't get a blowzoe joe,

I could get prostate cancer and die.

-Prostate cancer?

You're pathetic.

-It almost killed America's favorite mayor.

It wasn't 9/11, you know.

-Go jerk instead of blowzoe joe, I'm tired.

-I love you.

-Good, then you understand.

-[Voiceover] One day, Phil realized he's made love

more times to himself this year than he had with his spouse.

-You can't turn your wife on, who can you?

-I can't go to sleep because my penis

is harder than Chinese calculus.

-Age, sex, location?

-37 and married but not dead here.

-Who's on the down low?

-Don't let your small phallus ruin your sex life.

-Barely legal student needs hot release.

-Wanna go primate?

-Wicked, wicked--

-Having a huge lovestick is easy

with a miracle herbal solution.

-Isn't this room for married people only?

-Freaks in the doctor.

-That means you, and you.

-Where are the cyber windows?

-Hey stud!

-Wrong, wrong!

-Sexy slut with big yam yams wants to drain you dry.

-Sounds inviting, wanna cyber?

-You bet hun, just cum to my website.

$39.99 per month gets you easy--

-Burn in hell!

-How about a lube job?

-You're nuts!

-[Voiceover] Gene and Phil each married about

the same time in their early 20s.

But whereas Phil volunteered for the war,

Gene was drafted.

-Isn't your wife turning 40?

I mean all the checkout magazines says

she should be getting her freak on.

-Yeah well at this stage of my marriage,

being married is like being in prison.

-No it's not amigo.

-Oh yeah, there's more sex happening in prison.

-You and Evelyn Ok?

-Well, we're good cellmates.

-I know what you're thinking, don't do it.

You can't lie.

-I can lie.

-Yeah, what's the biggest lie you ever told?

-I do.

-If you start telling yourself there's ways outside of

your marriage to find happiness then you're done.

You wouldn't like it if she was doing it to you.

-Wow, I totally lost my erection.

-Good, 'cause there's nothing better than having someone

to love you unconditionally for the dog you are.

-Don't play moral superiority with me,

you've been there too.

-Yeah and I pray to God I never

make stupid like that again.

-Plus, there's dog in all men.

You know who gives birth to dogs?

Bitches.

-You're not listening.

-What should I do?

Buy more lotion for my hand callouses?

-You find a way to make her want to show up

and play ball with you.

-Like how?

-I don't know, flowers, massage toys,

some sort of romantic bullshit.

-I'm already married,

why should I have to keep doing that stuff?

-'Cause if you're lucky,

'til death do you part's a long ways off.

-Why wasn't the front door locked?

-Sorry, I forgot.

-You forgot?

Where's Benjamin?

-Babysitter.

-Why?

-I really need to tell you?

-Yes.

-Well, because I want to seduce my wife

and touch her inappropriately.

-Well she's married.

-Then it's a sure thing.

-Come on baby, giddy up.

-Where's the towel?

-You need one?

-Didn't you cum?

-I had an orgasm.

-There's nothing there.

-You don't have to ejaculate

in order to have an orgasm.

-You faked your orgasm?

-They're two separate things Evelyn.

It's a biological fact.

-I don't believe this.

-I had fun, didn't you?

-You know what?

Never mind.

-Why do I get the feeling you'd rather be reading a book?

-It's only because of you sex is the most

important thing in the world.

It's not with me.

-Tell me why.

-It's called life, Phil.

People change, we evolve, get grey hairs.

Tits sag, balls droop, what the F?

This is a surprise to you?

-So I'm the odd one here?

-You think I'm strange?

-No, I just want to know why

you don't find me attractive anymore?

-Here's a secret, shh, don't tell anyone Ok?

Are you ready?

You are attractive to me.

-Then why is our marital sex life such a train wreck?

-I didn't say it's not.

It's rather ordinary,

what we're working through is nothing special.

-So that's the way it has to be?

For better or for worse?

-Easy with the daddy drama, you don't have it so bad.

People living in other parts of the world,

you have bigger things to worry about.

-I don't care about that.

I only care about what's happening in my world.

You know, what's happening right now

and why you're not in it.

-God, give me a break you ass hat!

I'm the mother of your child.

-Well don't blame this on Benji.

I'm not just another chore (unclear) mom.

-Just stop, stop pushing my buttons.

It's not attractive!

-Ok.

Maybe we should see another marriage counselor.

-Again?

Good luck finding one that's not divorced.

-Don't you think we should talk to somebody, anybody?

-How is someone that we don't know gonna help our marriage?

-Yeah but maybe a stranger is exactly what we need

to figure things out.

Oh boy!

* Rewind the clock

* Tick tock erase the shock of our gang

* Change all the names

* Shift the blame

* I'm not the same girl you knew

* I'm over you all over you

* We were so blind some times

* Forward crying for romance

* No second chance at this dance

* Our circumstance was the clue

* I'm over you all over you

* But the joke is on me

* And it hurts when I laugh

* Defense is all gone

* And there's no second half to regret *

-Greetings, I'm a college graduate.

I'm unemployed, racked with debt, but hey

I can do pushups with my tongue.

-When I think of my special someone,

I think of you,

in handcuffs,

gagged,

with a butt plug in your ass!

-What do I like most in a woman?

Without a doubt, my dick!

(speaks foreign language)

-My man must be willing to urinate sitting down,

fold towels into thirds and prefer two percent milk.

-I will be your master, you will worship me

and beg for forgiveness.

But there will be only pain!

-Internet personal ads are nothing but pleas

of desperation from lazy people.

-But I found this website Love a la Carte,

it's a fancy clearinghouse for people stuck in

relationship quagmires.

-Yeah and it's not for you because, I don't know,

because you're already married?

-Don't throw away the car just 'cause the muffler's bad.

-No, I don't.

But I also didn't make a vow to a 63 Dart either.

-So by commensurating with other married women

through internet personals,

you know you're married, they're married,

and the rules are clear.

-What rules?

-Family first.

-Yeah, what's second?

-Everything else.

-Are you gonna write the ad?

-Why not it seems like a little anonymous

harmless fun to me?

A little easier now, you did it once upon a time.

You want in?

-No, I like having sex with one person.

I'm sentimental that way.

-Hold on, it's not just about getting laid.

If I wanted to buy a whore, I'd do that today.

-Yeah, for now all you can afford is me.

-I just want to know what I can do to be desirable again.

What I can do to be appreciated?

What can I do to get a little applause?

-What if Evelyn was doing the same thing,

looking for a Sancho?

-What if my ding dong grew six inches, Gene?

-Aren't you a little worried about the husbands

of these online wives?

-No, the husbands are more worried about why

their wives are cheating on them,

than who they're cheating on them with.

-You tool.

You're going to hell.

-Yep and I'm taking over, drive!

Come on, this is gonna be worth it.

Countless babes on the internet just couldn't wait

to get (mumbles).

(screams)

(grunts)

-[Voiceover] Phil's quest wasn't for any female

but a married one, therefore,

he must think smarter than a single man.

-A married man shouldn't search for dates online at home.

That's why you have the internet at work.

-[Voiceover] Phil knew most husbands

were easily replaced by science and plastic.

But with the internet,

a married man can learn a lot about how to succeed,

in the tryst trade.

So Phil visualized the prize

and created a road map to getting there.

-How can something so impersonal,

salvage a personal dilemma?

-[Voiceover] Phil new most men failed

because they sold themselves from their perspective

and not a woman's.

Phil would not make the same mistake.

-Let's be honest,

you and I both have long term commitments elsewhere.

We realize that our time on this planet is fleeting.

Like you, passion with that person has hit rock bottom.

Yet, you're not willing to roll over and play dead either.

That is why I'm hoping another married woman

will consider responding to my ad.

To her I'd say this,

"You and I are a rare breed.

"A small target market in a very complicated game.

"But if you're willing to take a chance

"at how to play that game right,

"I'm willing to discuss it with you,

"at lunch."

Now your first thought may be to quickly turn away.

But maybe tomorrow

or the next day

you'll reconsider that long neglected desire within.

Yes, yes you can have it all.

Your public moments elsewhere,

your private moments

with me.

See I don't wanna get to the end of the line

and wonder if I missed a chance for magic

while I can still pull it off.

For us it may be that it goes no further

than that lunch date.

But what a thrill,

what a thrill it would be to think

it almost did.

(cheers)

Old Mother Hubbard

-Old Mother Hubbard

-went to the cupboard

-went to the cupboard

-to fetch the poor dog a bone

-(mumbles) poor dog a bone.

-Your vibrator.

-[Voiceover] Greeting from Love a la Carte your ad was

declined, you have zero messages.

You are rejected!

-[Child] Daddy?

-and when she came there the cupboard was bare.

-And so the poor dog had none.

-How's life in the internet fast lane, any luck?

-It's early.

-What, no replies?

Poor baby.

I guess it's confirmed then, you suck.

-Just fix my car so I don't have to see you again, Ok?

-(laughs) You put so much work into creating that fantasy,

maybe you should apply some of that knowledge on your wife.

-You know what,

maybe you should lick a dog's ass until it bleeds.

-(laughs) Yeah, call me foolish

but risking so much just to have sex with someone

who means absolutely nothing

is asinine.

-You're right.

-What?

-You heard me, don't bust my balls.

-Of course I'm right.

And you're wrong, no matter what's going on in your marriage

you have the responsibility to create opportunities

to deal with problems and fix them.

-Yeah, well your point is moot

if you're the only one who thinks it's a problem.

Apparently, this is my own dilemma.

-All right, here's what you do.

You find a massage parlor that's giving happy endings

and while you're there,

have them pluck that wild hair out of your ass.

-This isn't just about the sex.

-Then it's worse than I thought.

-This marriage of mine, it's way underwater.

My wife, she's a fish

and I'm drowning.

Where's my bailout?

-Shide for it, Phil.

-I want my bailout.

-You know,

there is more than one woman out there for you

but trust me

you don't want to meet 'em, not now.

Not ever.

-Well, if Love a la Carte can't help me,

there's always alcoholism.

-Yeah but what you wanna justify is living a lie,

it's cheating.

-As long as it's not a lie to myself,

I don't see the problem.

-I'm sorry to hear that.

I wish there was something I could say to change your mind.

Or your wife's.

-Thanks but don't blame Evelyn.

It's not her fault she closed with me.

-Such a mad existence.

Living in the shadows,

the darkness is gonna come,

so will the hurt.

-Yeah, well at least I don't have company.

* I'm sick of here alone

-You look like the kind of man that could use a woman.

Am I right?

Am I?

-Yeah man, I'm really Jonesing.

-What would it take

for me to put you inside of a woman today?

-I don't know, what do you got?

-I got it all son.

Freaks in heat, Pollys wanting crackers,

what you need baby?

-Something discreet.

-Discreet?

-Yeah.

-Discreet like, "I'm legal in 34 states" or

discreet like, "This don't make me homo right?"

(laughs)

-No, discreet like she's married.

-A married woman?

Why?

-Because I'm married.

-Oh sir, you sicken me.

Have you no regard for the sanctity of marriage?

You made a promise to your wife,

to be faithful, to be honest, to cherish your relationship.

You said, "I do."

You accepted the wedding gifts.

You made a commitment to your woman before God Almighty,

'til death do you part.

Well hallelujah!

Are you ready to die?

Answer me, are you ready to die today motherfucka?

-I'm dead already.

-And the phoenix shall rise again.

-Go home Phil it's three o'clock!

(message alerts)

-[Voiceover] Greetings from Love a la Carte.

-(reads) Thank you for writing.

We love the honesty of your letter.

Very cute pic, like to hear more.

(rejoices)

-[Voiceover] Amongst humans,

the alpha male is harder to recognize.

-You're married, I'm married.

Is this nuts?

Is this the wildest thing you've ever done?

-Defecating on my husband.

Those were the days, I really miss them you know?

-[Voiceover] Due to the nature

of the sexual conquest mandate,

the human alpha male must forever remain discreet.

-You seem nervous, are you nervous?

-What if those people ask you about me?

-I'll say hey you nosy bastards,

it's just some man I hooked up with on the internet.

How's that?

-But we're also married.

-I'm not married.

-You're not?

-No, you are?

You naughty boy.

-Yes, yes that's why in my relationship status

I checked discreet, so did you.

-Yeah, that's right.

-Why?

-I never got as many dates with my ad

when I said I was single.

-[Voiceover] The prudent alpha male hunts

where conquests are plentiful and commitments are not.

Therefore, he doesn't trust anyone under 30.

-Well then, you know the situation.

Would you like to take it further?

-As far as it can go handsome.

-Let me go pay so we can leave

and I'll buy a short term spot nearby

where we could hide a few hours.

-You know Hotel Taliri?

-Yes, you know the place?

-I have a room there, when I'm providing,

I stay there during the week.

-Providing?

-Would you rather link to online account

or pay me in cash later?

-[Voiceover] In conclusion, a human alpha male

is a man who wins copulation rights

with as many women as possible

by constantly paying for and manufacturing new romances.

-I've got this.

-[Voiceover] Thereby avoiding the expectation of a

monogamous relationship and thus denying a woman

the victory of becoming his wife.

-Females.

Fee-males, oh I get it.

-Get what?

-Nothing.

-Did you know that cyanide smells like raw almonds?

-[Phil] No.

-You use (mumbles) so much,

maybe we should get you a gas mask?

-Yeah.

-When do you get your car back?

-I don't know, can't rush Gene.

-He certainly takes his sweet time

to finish what he's started.

-I guess.

-Enjoying the show?

-Saving money.

-He loves me.

(gunshot fires)

(gasps)

-You know what, the bottom line is that the egg has to have

a chicken to keep it warm so how would you not?

(stammers)

I don't know how the chicken just--

-I don't even speak English so I don't even know

what you're talking about.

-You don't speak English?

-No.

-Well just agree with me, just nod your head a lot.

-Ferrous and non-ferrous materials?

-Excuse me?

-[Phil] You must be Angela.

-Thanks for showing up, I'm Phil Anders.

-Thanks for meeting me without seeing my picture,

you're taking a big chance.

-I was?

I got to tell you, I'm a little surprised.

You're nothing like you described.

-I didn't sleep very well last night,

and my eyes must be bloodshot.

-No, it's not that, I mean, you shorted yourself.

-I had a nervous stomach this morning.

-No, you're more beautiful than you described.

I mean my God, you are (mumbles) hot!

Come on, it's windier than hell out here.

* No longer I'm involved

* I'm no longer

-When your kids are growing and gone, so is your youth.

-Yours are eight and nine?

-Yes, how old's Benji?

-He's five.

-You have pictures, ugh!

I don't have mine with me, I left them in my other purse.

-That's Ok, next time.

-He is so handsome.

What a beautiful little boy!

Looks a lot like you.

-I know.

He's taller but I have all my teeth.

-What's this?

Oh!

Here's everybody.

-Yep, that's them, happy family.

-I can certainly see why you'd stay with your wife.

-Great!

Maybe you can explain it to me.

-I really like our play dates together.

-Yeah but don't tell anybody, Ok?

-It's like I'm a teenager again and I'm skipping class.

-(whispers) Come on.

Here we are!

-Here's what?

-The Eastern Mythology section.

-Your favorite place in the bookstore?

-It is now, it's where we had our first kiss.

(heart beating)

-Too soon for a threesome.

-I better be going.

-[Phil] I don't want you to go.

-[Blonde] Phil, I have to pick up my son from school.

And you have to get back to work.

-I'd rather be working on this.

-Phil, you're making me dizzy.

-Just dizzy?

-[Blonde] Phil, please.

-When did you decide to do this?

-I liked your ad, you sounded sincere.

-No, I mean

after so much time of putting up with your husband,

when did you decide to sub plan him?

-Sub plan him?

-Wow, now that's a nice parking spot.

We should have parked, damn!

-I'm not subplanning my husband!

I think you mean to ask me, "Why do this?"

Why would anyone do this?

-I feel like Moses.

-Moses?

-Yeah.

I mean he wandered around the desert for years.

It was hot, he was probably thirsty,

Of course he was Jewish.

I mean, I'm not Jewish but

I'm circumcised.

But don't ask me why.

-Moses?

-You and I,

it's like we're lost in a desert.

I say we make it rain.

-You've really thought about this.

-Yes, I have.

-My best answer is I'm bored as fuck with pedestrian penis.

-That's a good answer.

Angela.

Don't let me think I'm in love.

* Gotta get out of this town

* Gotta get my feet on the ground

* Small talk is cheap with the friends that I keep

* I spread a little stories around

* I gotta get out of this town

* Feeling like an old hand me down

* Paid all my dues now I'm left with the blues

* And lately all I wear is a frown

* I've been around for a year and a day *

-Well, hello stranger.

-I think your husband might need these.

-You came all the way across town just to drop off keys?

-Nah, I had other business in the ghetto.

-Yeah, what kind of business?

-None-ya business.

-None-ya business!

You're a better mechanic than you are a comedian.

* Desire is lost

* And isn't anywhere to be found

* Gotta get out of this town

* I'm getting tired of running around

-So I hear your big birthday is coming.

-[Evelyn] Don't remind me.

-What's that term?

What do they call women in their 40s?

-A MILF?

-Yeah, well we both know that's not true.

-Yeah, maybe for your wife.

(laughter)

-A cougar, that's it.

Yeah, you'll be a cougar.

-I hate those trendy demeaning terms

they come up with for women.

-I thought it was a compliment.

-That's because you're a man.

-Ooh, kitty likes to scratch.

-Really I just rather everyone

forget about my birthday.

I bet Phil's planning something special.

-You'd lose that bet.

-You know he talks about you a lot.

I mean it's obvious, he really wants you two to be happy.

-He could have fooled me.

-Well, that's just because

it requires major energy and focus for some men to

show even the simplest, loving gestures.

-And yet for some it's so easy.

-Yeah but,

Phil's your man now.

And well when you show him you

appreciate what he does for ya',

it makes him feel like he's won.

-So now, we're keeping score?

He has to feel like he's won

in order to be happy?

-All the time.

He won you.

-He won the booby prize

and it turns out,

I got second place.

What about life on my terms?

-These are the terms.

You are damsel in distress.

And he's the hero rescuing you.

-Well maybe I prefer the bad guy.

-I know it hurts.

But

what's happened in your marriage is past.

You can still be happy with Phil again, you just

you need to remember,

what all you have together.

-Is that what you tell yourself?

-Everyday Evelyn.

Everyday.

-[Phil] Did you like college?

-Yes, it was fun, I used to dance, do you dance?

-Evelyn and I haven't been dancing since

God, since the Christmas work party.

-Christmas how intolerant.

Don't you mean holiday party?

-Forgive me, infidels.

Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa -What are you, sit down!

[Phil] Happy Ramadan! -What are you doing?

What about being discreet?

-I'm sorry, I just feel so alive!

-Oh my God, my (mumbles).

-It's your fault.

-My fault?!

-Yes, you turn me on, I feel so powerful.

-Come on you're a married man--

-I hold my power.

Behold my power.

-[Blonde] Where is your off switch?

-[Phil] Behold it.

-My, you're a handful aren't you?

-There's a man crossing central

and you're holding my penis.

-We shouldn't, I mean we could get caught.

-It's a couple ordering escargot

and you're holding my penis.

-I can see my bridge room from here.

-And you're holding my penis.

-I want you so bad.

-You're turning me into somebody I don't even recognize!

-Don't mess up this (unclear).

-Ok.

(screams)

-You didn't plan this very well.

-I'll get us a room.

-There's no vacancy, I already checked!

-Serendipity at last!

-The penthouse suite.

(thunder roars)

-It's been raining.

-That is most certainly correct.

-You know those black shoe laces you got me

to replace the ones I already had?

They're too short.

-That's a shame.

I'll take them back.

-Too late.

-I suppose it is.

-I'm just being realistic about our situation.

I realize at any given moment it can all end,

no strings attached.

-You're afraid of me, why?

-Think about how we met?

Why we keep seeing each other?

Sooner or later with that kind of intimacy,

we're bound to have feelings.

I just don't want to see either one of us get hurt.

-Men, you're all a bunch of pussies!

-How did you meet your husband?

-[Angela] At work, back in college.

Remember I told you I was a dancer?

-Right, so nightclub, bartending?

-No, not like that.

He was in the front office of the pro football team.

I was on the dance squad for five years.

-You were a professional cheerleader?

-I was even in the Superbowl.

My parents said they saw a close up of me on the TV

and right before the credit card graphics rolled,

it covered my face.

We lost.

-Oh God!

I've hit the mother-load!

-You can keep that.

I was gonna give you the calendar but it's not even good

for another four years.

Phil?

Surprise!

Happy Birthday!

-I'm still 39 for two more weeks.

-That's a surprise.

-Plane tickets to my sister's.

-Drink all the boxes of wine you want.

Sit in her hot tub until you prune.

-Why did you get me plane tickets?

-(internal voice) 'Cause I'm trying to get rid of you.

You said you wanted a vacation.

Why spend all of it driving?

-I don't know.

What about all that security screen now, it's brutal.

-It's not brutal, it's smart.

And if it was me going,

I'd ask them, how much for extra groping?

-Why aren't you in with us?

-You know I can't stand

being around your crazy sister for more than a weekend.

Plus, I've got to work.

-Doesn't seem right though,

living our lives in parts like this.

We should be together.

-What do you call 12 years of marriage?

-We should want to be together not because we have

a kid or a dog.

-Look, I miss ya' already.

I just thought you might like to get away

from everything that's going on around here.

Including me.

-Would you miss me if I was gone

forever?

-Wait a minute!

How did we go from happy birthday to this inquisition?

-I was checking out this woman's website,

some of the bloggers had some ideas about

what keeps a relationship fresh.

-You've been online?

-Of course, isn't everybody?

-That makes two of us if I ejaculate.

-Hey, you're gonna have a lot of free time on your hands

while I'm gone, are you gonna be a good boy?

-Of course, what else would I do?

I'm a married man.

-What are you doing?

-Marking my territory.

Give me that!

-Everyone must evacuate the building.

Go to staircase Z, (foreign language).

-What the hell was that?

-Rebel Rousers in the perimeter.

Rebel Rousers in the perimeter!

-Rebel Rousers?

-Oh snap!

-Can you see anything down there?

-Only martyrdom and glory, Phil!

Glory, hallelujah.

-Was that a Mountie?

Where is staircase Z?

What the hell is a Rebel Rouser?

-(unclear) reform now man!

-[Mountie] You there--

-Hey, hey, don't tase me bro'!

(screams)

-He pissing in his pants, he pissing himself.

Go Canada!

-Anarchy at last.

-I'm gonna need a new intern.

All these single people.

And I thought everyone was married.

-One hundred unmarried women

for every 86 unmarried men.

-Lucky for those guys that are gay.

-Yeah, and they want to be married too.

-What's the point in being gay if you're gonna be married?

You just wasted the best part of being a homo.

-Yeah, you're right.

Why should gays be allowed to sully the sanctity of a

breeders only marriage institution?

-You get to be promiscuous by default.

You've been given a pass, nobody cares.

-Are you jealous?

Or curious?

-You try being like that as a married man,

you're branded a piranha.

-I know one good thing about being married and faithful,

I'd sleep like a monkey flying baby.

-But Gene, all this power at your finger tips?

You don't like what you got, wait a day.

They'll be a hundred new ads for you to consider.

You can always trade up.

-You're never gonna be satisfied

if you're always looking for the next best thing.

-I don't see it that way.

I see dreams coming true.

Fantasies fulfilled,

wishes granted.

I can be of service

to all these unwashed,

single masses.

-Of service?

-Who am I to deny these women me?

-You're smoking now?

-I don't inhale.

-You're not a martyr, Phil.

You need to get off this power trip that you're on.

-But Gene,

this kind of power makes it your world,

not God's.

-You're only this confident because you already

got what you really want.

-Sex equity buddy, that's what I got.

-Yeah, if you were single,

you wouldn't be so sure of yourself.

LMFAO, I've been to Superbowl,

I know what I talk about?

What?

-All your bases are belong to us.

-Phil!

-Don't talk to me in all caps

because you don't have the balls to do what I'm doing.

You know guys like you,

they tell their wives to put the toilet seat down.

-Your car is finished.

So are we!

-I know you.

I know what you want.

You want

what I can be.

(laughs)

-What do you want?

-All of them!

Nice, very nice.

-All these women have seven email minimums.

That should say, responding to your single ad.

I know you most certainly aren't married.

You can see any one of them right away.

-Thanks.

You've been a great help.

-Yes, that's supposed to be this way.

-What is?

-Well, you're not playing fair.

-I'm just giving them what they want.

They have demands

and I'm the supplier.

-You must realize that

no one is the owner of their instincts?

But controlling them, that's civilization.

-You must realize they're beyond being judged by hypocrites.

(mumbles)

-These people, they don't advertise themselves

so they can get used.

They do it so they can meet somebody cool.

Somebody they can spend the rest of their lives with.

-And in the meantime, there's me.

* Did it fly away

* Where did our love go

* I gotta get it back with me someday

* Where did our love go

* I need to find it right away

* Lady where did our love go

-Wowee zowee Polly.

-Are you Canadian?

-No.

-I hate Canadians.

-I'm not Canadian.

-What's the capital of Canada?

-Arizona.

-Ok, let's go.

-Check please.

-[Voiceover] That'll be 10.70.

(screams)

-The Obama weeps!

-Daddy go make me some eggs!

(farts)

-A healthy sexual relationship combats insomnia

and relieves pain.

-So it was good for you.

-Quite the workout.

I think I just lost three pounds.

-You're welcome.

-[Voiceover] For Phil, living his life a la carte

made perfect sense.

-Now you have it all.

You've got a monogamous relationship with

four different women.

Keep it simple, keep it moving

and keep on hunting.

Remember this,

if you're the type of man that's not paying attention

to his wife,

beware the dog that will.

-[Voiceover] Phil was in the fantasy fulfillment business

and business was good.

* I look for the answers

* I look for the truth

* I sense complications

* From the remnants of you

* I'm searching for something

* And I don't ask much

* I'm longing to break free

* But I do need your touch

* And the easy life

* Is all that I'm hoping to find

* It's that easy life

* Find a man with some money

-Lordy Lordy look who's 40.

* And become his wife

* Easy life -Easy life

* Easy life -Easy life

-What's it like having sex with your husband?

-He's not your type.

-I mean, how am I different than him?

-You're not asking me how you measure up

with my husband are you?

-No, of course not.

Size doesn't matter to men, that's a myth.

-Talk about your buzzkill.

-I'm sorry.

You just seem so easy to enjoy.

I don't want to make the same mistakes

your husband made with you.

-I prefer not to answer that question

while you're still inside of me.

-Just curious that's all.

-Husband sex, ooh the humanity.

-Hey hey!

(whoops up)

Who's your Easter Bunny?

(grunts)

(unclear) cowboy!

Give me the chance.

(cap gun pops)

Touchdown!

-Ugh, sorry I asked.

-You needed to know.

-Look,

I'd just like to apologize for all husbands everywhere.

-I can't accept your apology.

-Thanks.

-Sure it's not the same for your wife.

Right?

-So Evelyn, tell us about your vacation.

You went to your sister's?

-For a little more than two weeks.

-Wow, how did you maintain?

-Maintain?

-You know.

-Two weeks isn't that long.

-So what's your secret?

How are you both able to control yourselves

when you're not together?

-You're making the assumption

that we're actually having sex!

How can you possibly miss something

when it's not there anymore?

-Phil!

-Evelyn!

-Oh well maybe uh...

Honey where did you say those terrorist live?

-It's my own damn fault, this is the life I chose.

I only did what everybody else did.

I foolishly gave up myself

in exchange for a marriage Nirvana that doesn't exist.

-What?

-We're gonna need a bigger boat.

-It was unrealistic to begin with.

But I'm Ok with that now

because there is no Santa Claus.

There's no homosexuals in Iran

and there's no way out of this sexist quagmire

we call marriage.

-Are you telling me you want a divorce?

-Abandon ship?

-No, wait a minute.

You two might hear something that will help you.

We're terminal.

You still have a chance.

-How are we terminal?

-We're lazy, we're business, we're roommates.

We're tired, we're bored, we're siblings, we're lazy.

-[Evelyn] You said that all ready.

-We're married.

We're not lovers.

-That sounds like you're blaming me.

-I said, "We."

-I know what you're really saying.

I know you.

And you want an explanation.

Well here it is!

It's the quality of the connection outside of the bedroom

that makes married sex good.

Once you figure that out sex will come easier than you do.

-One hand washes the other.

-Get that hand to do more than washing honey,

-[Gene] Phil!

-then we'll talk.

-That's the woman I love.

-It's so easy to cop out to some obscure connection issue

that's typical female rationalization for being frigid.

-How hard is it for you to be a man?

Your righteous sense of entitlement makes you think

that all the answers to a healthy marriage

can be solved with an erection.

-Where did you get that idea?

-From you!

You're so focused on one part of our marriage

that you completely missed the bigger picture.

-Ok, I agree with you.

Men are pigs, what's your excuse?

-I've got swine flu.

-[Voiceover] The bed Phil laid in became uncomfortable.

-If your wife doesn't want to have sex again,

-[Voiceover] He had to change.

-why would I?

Fucking Canadian!

Ok, you were right!

-Are you listening to me?

Phil--

-[Voiceover] Phil knew that there was room

for only one female in his heart.

-You're breaking up with me?

Oh bollocks, look I can pay you in euros.

-[Voiceover] Phil would commit now to only one woman

before the only one committed was himself.

-You did all this for me?

-Thought you might enjoy it.

-It's a little more high profile

than what I'm comfortable with.

-Don't worry about it.

All right, this is for us, it's a real date.

We're out there and we deserve it.

-Wish you would have asked me first.

-Where's that coming from?

-It's nice dating like we're a legitimate couple?

That's beyond our original agreement.

-What do you mean?

-It crosses a line.

You should be here with somebody else.

-Yeah well, my wife wouldn't enjoy this.

-Maybe not, maybe one of your other girlfriends might.

-I don't have any other girlfriends.

-Phil, I kept three other personal ads running.

You wrote them all.

Same cut and paste intro from you every time.

-Why'd you do that?

-Because I'm smart.

I'm smarter than boys.

-So why didn't you say something?

Why did you let me embarrass myself like that?

-I was on vacation.

-So what?

-Relax.

-I answered some ads but I don't have another girlfriend.

-I hope you had fun.

-Why doesn't it bother you?

-Because it proves my point

that you don't believe in the fairytale monogamy either.

That's what made me choose you.

I felt honest with you.

-I suppose you'd be wanting your underwear back now.

-What I want is to keep things simple, just sex.

You're the perfect man for that.

-So you're saying I'm shallow?

-Uncomplicated.

All of this,

is complicating.

-I hoped things are different between us.

I thought we cliqued.

-We did clique, we double cliqued.

-I need more than that.

-Oh no, you didn't?

Did you?

-I did what?

-You did!

-I did what?

-We had a deal!

-What deal?

-Don't let me think I'm in love with you?

Remember?

-Yeah, I remember.

-No, you don't remember.

-Wait a minute.

(dramatic sigh)

-Goddammit Phil!

I am not going through this again with another man.

-Don't leave.

All right, I can change.

-I don't want you to change.

I don't want you to love me.

-I don't love you.

-Like hell you don't.

-I like this one.

Do you like this one (gibberish) very much.

What's this say?

What's this say?

What's this say momma?

Momma?

Momma?

-At least I still have hands.

Delete already.

All profiles?

Oh my God!

-Could you please explain why your family's

personal ads have crashed all the computers

on the 22nd floor?

-No.

-Hey Phil?

Aren't you married?

-[Phil] Yes.

-Is your wife?

(laughter)

-Our employees don't do such things.

(razzing)

-[Voiceover] This is Evelyn Anders.

And this is her story.

The following visualizations

were culled from the Anders web log.

Now defunct.

-[Voiceover] I haven't had sex in months.

Even Mother Theresa had doubts about her man.

I can't say that Phil is the problem

or any man.

My problem has no name.

-Be that as it may, you've lamented

in all of our sessions the fact

that your husband likes Bill Clinton

for all the wrong reasons?

-Yes.

But even the King of England wanted to be a tampon.

-Are you defending your marriage to him?

(exaggerated sigh)

-I prefer not to.

-You may be surprised you know,

many others share your problem.

Some studies show infidelity exists

in 60 percent of all relationships.

-Is this all?

What you dream about?

What's really there?

-So how did you find yourself a part of this

problem with no name?

* Ice cream soda pop cherry on top

* Who's your boyfriend let's find out

-[Voiceover] From the beginning,

Evelyn resented the idea that little girls

should use their happiness on a handsome prince.

-G, George is your boyfriend.

-No, not George.

-George is your boyfriend.

-Why can't I be best friends?

(unclear)

-[Voiceover] Her dissatisfaction began then too.

-The men in my life never matched

the heroes I saw in movies

or heard about in love songs.

-Reality bites don't it?

-You're one to talk, Mister President.

-So I may have shared my bed with another

dude in my youth, big deal!

The LA winters are freggin' cold.

And the summers are hot, hot, hot!

-Fall colors in Arizona, simply beautiful.

-This is my favorite place to travel.

-How do you cope with society's opinion of

what you should be and who you really are, Black Jesus?

-I remind them that I called everyone my brother,

likes gospel music and couldn't get a fair trial.

-Just talking about it doesn't work.

-Then, get their attention somehow,

Old Testament style!

-I wish I was that brave, but I'm not.

Everyone gets married because it's a check box in life.

Anyways, I'm much too much of a coward to be

selfish and single.

Every guy that ever liked me

just long enough to get into my pants.

-Then you need to find out not why someone should get married

but why they don't get divorced.

-Thank you, I know just who to ask.

-Hey, you shook my hand.

That's a hand job, (whoops up)!

(laughter)

-So, mom, dad 42 years of marriage,

was it worth it?

-The fellatio could have been better

but all in all, I would wager it was.

-He's an ass clown but he's,

he's my ass clown.

-But you two argue all the time.

-He just gets this way around his offspring.

You know, he has to feel like he's the cock of the walk.

-Here's another hot flash grandma, I don't either.

-Why do you sleep in separate rooms?

-Why not?

-Because we can.

-It's not what you'd expect.

I mean you suppose to be married,

together.

-Our independence makes our togetherness

more bearable.

-Did you ever think about divorce?

-You mean today?

-Sure, especially when he was thinking with his dick.

-Well, why didn't you divorce back then?

-When your dad had his girlfriend,

I knew it was partly my fault.

Sex was so important to him, but not to me.

-I'd like to kick the guy who invented those

boner pills right in the nuts.

-See men can't blame themselves for why

they're cheating on their wives.

So they don't think cheating's bad,

but let their wives fool around then they'd understand.

-I remember wishing that you would have gotten a divorce,

I was so sick of being around all the arguing!

-It would have been worse on you kids

if we would have split.

You don't know it but I did you a favor.

-Why did you let him stay, mom?

-I knew I could have castrated him financially

and found somebody new

but why would I ever want to train another man?

Screw that!

-And what do you have when the shiny hotness

wear off your lover?

Just another wife?

-Plus he's this close to a slight stroke.

Maybe then he'll shut up more when I spend his retirement.

-[Dad] Cheers.

-[Voiceover] One day it was the 4369 day Evelyn was married,

-This isn't working.

-Any special requests?

-Let's just do it.

-I wanna try something different.

-Like what?

-Relax, close your eyes.

-You better not do anything weird.

I don't feel clean.

-It's Ok, really.

-What is that?

-Nothing.

-No really, what is that?

-Nothing!

It's um...

-My electric toothbrush?

-I thought you might like a toy.

-I brush my teeth with that Phillip.

-Well it is good for cavities.

-That's not even close to being funny.

-I wasn't gonna use the brush end.

I mean unless you're into the sort of thing.

-Just get the lube.

-I love when you talk sexy.

-I'm warning you.

-The great cultural anthropologist Margaret Mead once said,

"Every woman needs three husbands."

-Three husbands?

God was she drunk?

-One for youthful sex.

One for security as she raises her children

and one for the joyful companionship of old age.

Do you see all three in Phil?

-The great rock singer Meatloaf once said,

"Two out of three and bad."

-You just rolled off a bunch of your husband's faults.

Why are you protecting him now?

-Victim's remorse.

-Is why you haven't divorced?

-I don't wanna cut and run like some democrat.

Divorce feels like failure to me.

Plus the world doesn't need another single mother.

-Divorce my dear is in fact something

that takes much bravery to accomplish.

Courage you evidently lack.

-I don't wanna be older and alone

just because I'm angry now.

-If I could make a fist,

I'd punch you in the labia.

-We're both right.

Divorce is a good reason to stay married

but marriage is the number one reason for divorce.

-You're far too young to be already

waiting out the clock.

-Even still, my connection with my husband 404,

-Phil's already two of your three husbands.

Who is your third man?

* He's a preacher with an iPod

* And a WiFi for Jesus

* And he's cruising eternity

* Looking for some action

-[Voiceover] Evelyn's hero was someone full of

(unclear), mystery and surprises.

* Gotta watch out for the trap of hell

* Devil's gonna get you

* 'Cause you are in

-Hydrogen Monoxide is the primary component of acid rain.

It can cause severe burns,

cut through solid rock

and have been found in the tumors of cancer victims.

The terrorist are using dihydrogen monoxide

to this day America.

Now what are you going to do about it?

-I want my baby to be dihydrogen monoxide free.

We have to bomb all the dihydrogen monoxide

before they use it on us.

-(mumbles) vote no against their dihydrogen monoxide.

(screeching)

-The term dihydrogen monoxide means

two parts hydrogen, one part oxygen.

H2o.

Nice job guys.

You just demonized water.

-[Voiceover] For Evelyn, when the world would go insane,

her hero would know how to make her feel safe and secure.

So Evelyn queried the website, Love a la Carte

to see if it could find what she couldn't,

her whole life.

-Team work is a lot of people doing what I say.

Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule.

-It's so important that you couldn't let other things

that are more important fear it, right?

-So, since we've established a relationship

may I have sex with you now?

-[Voiceover] Filtering out the dirty old men

for Evelyn was just as easy as spotting the

slick, habitual cheaters.

But Evelyn, you're still young and attractive,

yet your husband still ignores you?

How can it be?!

-Are you Ok?

-Do you feel that?

That is the sound of your empty heart

and I'm here to replenish it.

You deserve satisfaction.

-And therefore, as a man it is my duty to service you.

No reciprocation necessary.

-Die!

No wonder whores get such good business,

they charge you because it's so much fucking work!

-Call me!

-[Voiceover] Evelyn soon realized

that while looking for Prince Charming,

she forgot to consider again the man at home.

-Why wasn't the front door locked?

-Sorry, I forgot.

-[Voiceover] But by then, it was too late.

Evelyn was the one who left her world unlocked.

Her husband simply left to find the key.

He would have to find out on his own what I know now.

Every star wants a fan.

Every player wants a cheerleader.

But the sweetest applause you'll ever receive

comes from the one that unconditionally loves you.

-Yeah, I know who you are.

-He's all yours.

-Don't flatter yourself.

-Do you know why I could have him whenever I wanted?

-Oh I can't wait!

-I am the forbidden fruit that quenches

your husband's starved libido.

-(unclear) Phil driven him out of the home to find, Evelyn.

And when I'm satisfied I don't have to hear him snore

or wash his dirty underwear,

I just send him home.

You'll make him miserable again

but he'll dream

of me.

-Suck my phoenix.

I don't feel the female version of emasculation

when a man cheats.

I see it for the weakness that it is.

That's why a husband always comes back home

to his wife.

Even a dog like Phil knows that you're not worth

what he would lose with me if I ever strayed

because it would be proof that I no longer loved him.

And they lived happily, never after.

-I figure there are many models of marriage that are viable.

Mine may not be perfect but

it'll have to do.

-In writing your blog,

the comments from anonymous souls on the internet,

it's helped you hasn't it?

-Yeah, I'm shutting it down.

-Why?

-Too maddening thinking about all the possibilities.

-The truth is you determine the life that you live.

Why do you choose to live a lie?

-There was one man who helped explain me to myself

with a framework I could finally understand.

-He connected with you.

-In more ways than he would allow me.

He that I could not have.

Still he helped me believe my vows again.

Sent me a telegram once.

-Always remember that forgiving someone

justifies your own forgiveness.

-That was it.

To me it's proof that

freedom beating heroism can still exist,

even in a struggling marriage.

* Cinderella dressed in yellow

* Went upstairs to kiss a fella

* Made a mistake and kissed a snake

* How many doctors did it take

-Princess Evelyn, you magnificent bitch!

I read your posts.

-Imagine that.

It's a small world wide web after all isn't it, Phil?

-How you felt about our marriage,

why we're not communicating,

why couldn't you tell me those things?

-I did!

I could have said more.

-But it would have been wasted?

-Probably.

-You know you really know how to stomp on a guy's ball.

I mean, bravo.

-You can appreciate that can you?

-This marriage sucks anus!

-It is not a competition, Phil!

-Yeah, well in the court of world opinion,

I lose!

How were you gonna explain this to Black Jesus?

-We could go Hindu.

-I don't know, all that curry.

-Do you think there is any way we can repair our marriage?

-Marriage by default isn't a success until death do us part.

-You first!

-What is it my love?

-I want you to be my lady friend.

-Alas, I'm married.

-Oh forsake your husband I say.

-Prey tail why?

-For he knows not how to make a wife feel loved.

I however realized what most men never learn.

-What's that my prince?

-Pussy is pussy,

they're all the same.

What matter is the person, and that's you my love.

Too many men only think of their tallywackers but

I say refuse to let my tallywacker define me anymore.

-So romantic.

-But I also want the life of least resistance.

And that mean true love and happy penis

with only one person.

So I unconditionally surrender myself to you.

-You do?

-For certain!

I have enough respect for you to know

you could do much better than I

but our differences aren't so irreconcilable.

Would you return the key to your heart once more?

-Of course, you're my hero.

-Oh sweet, precious darling, let us never quarrel again.

-(mumbles)

-[Both] Hib hib hooray!

-[Voiceover] Love a la Carte

was brought to you by

Vacation Saturn, you like our hot boobs,

you'll love our xenophobia.

And by kumquats.

And by the great nation of Mexico,

just like Canada but with a tan.

-It doesn't have to end like this Evelyn.

Please, don't let it happen.

-Every story has to have an ending, Phil.

What's it gonna be?

-Isn't it possible to forgive?

-Sure, but it's forgetting

and moving on that's the hard part.

-Yeah but we don't have to nuke our entire world.

You know there's still good reason for us to be together.

-(unclear) is the enforcement of stupid laws.

I do want to stay with you.

I often wonder exactly why.

-Well for one thing I do a lot of things mostly right?

Plus we've got the same last name,

that's got to be a bonus.

-This species aren't even the best.

Your nuisance for bread is overwhelming.

Most likely it's because neither one of us

has a better choice.

-Yeah, I can live with that.

-You're reaching for a happy ending but

out story's still being written and it's an epic,

a constant battle to try to find the reasons

that we should stay together.

-Let's write our own chapter, our chapter 13.

-Bankruptcy?

-We're broke.

Let's get solvent sexy pants.

You wanna go see a movie?

-I want to take a vacation, before I go back to work.

-You're gonna start your career again?

How serendipitous, my unemployment insurance

lasts for 13 weeks, let's do this!

-You lost your job?

So you're gonna be the one staying home?

-Gone in there and make me a damn sandwich bitch!

-Not tonight, I have a headache.

-Seriously, I want a good vacation.

-We could go to Tijuana.

We could bring back some cheap medication.

How long is your anal cavity?

-I wanna go see America, before they close it down.

-Wow, oh wow!

If I was a female you would totally be questioning

your sexuality right now.

-Keep dreaming.

-Thanks for continuing to be my wife.

I love you, I love you.

-I love you too.

-It's over.

-That's a relief.

-I don't want to be a third wheel.

-Wanna go with us instead?

-Yeah, I do.

(groans of disgust)

-Let's go amigos!

* Sometimes it stops (unclear)

* Feels like it never ceases

* And all that you found

* (unclear)

* Please Mister please play one for me

* Her man of her's

* He's learned a lesson

* Not to keep a good man second guessing

* She's gonna show him what she needs

* If you wanna be if you wanna be

* If you wanna be the love of my life

* If you wanna be if you wanna be

* If you wanna be the love of my life.

* I've had enough of it

* Right now

* I see part of you

* Wants to think about it

* But the rest of you

* Just can't be without it

-It get's better!

* If you wanna be if you wanna be

* If you wanna be the love of my life

* If you wanna be if you wanna be

* If you wanna be the love of my life

* I have an opening right now

-I was in the West End, I played Guinevere

in front of the Queen and now look at me.

This is ridiculous, I can't believe this.

Look what I've got to put up with, this one.

And these, 3 bras, it's ridiculous.

-Hey baby, what are you doing?

-Oh God, come here.

I like it really.

-Here we go, no I don't like it and action.

-No (laughter).

-I couldn't let things that were more important.

Other things that were more important.

-So it seems we've established a relationship.

May I have sex with you now?

(slurps)

Excellent!

-Is that a yes?

-Let me grab my water bottle.

-Sure.

-Sorry, sorry sorry, go ahead.