Original subtitles

♪♪

[ FIRE CRACKLING, DOG SNORING ]

HELLO.

MY NAME IS JOE PERA.

AND I'M SORRY THAT YOU'RE HAVING TROUBLE DOZING OFF.

THAT'S WHY I MADE YOU THIS SHOW.

BECAUSE IN MY OPINION, FALLING ASLEEP IS

ONE OF THE BEST FEELINGS THERE IS --

EVEN BETTER THAN HARMONIZING WITH YOUR BOYS.

OH, YOU LIKE MY NEW SWEATER?

I'M TRYING TO DO MORE STYLE.

ANYHOW, I FIGURED WE COULD MAYBE EXPLORE

SOME MILDLY INTERESTING SUBJECTS,

SUCH AS...

HOW COME PEOPLE DON'T CHEER AFTER EVER FIREWORK?

OR PERHAPS DO A GUIDED MEDITATION

TO HELP VISUALIZE YOURSELF AS A GRANDPARENT...

OR A WHALE.

[ WHALE CALLS ]

ANYTHING THAT WILL HELP RELAX YOU INTO SLEEP

AND KEEP YOUR MIND OFF OF THE DAY-TO-DAY WORRIES

THAT MAKE YOU ANXIOUS.

LIKE REMEMBERING TO REFILL THE ICE CUBE TRAYS

AND RACE RELATIONS.

FOR EXAMPLE,

I WAS THINKING ABOUT THIS WHILE SHOVELING EARLIER.

WHEN STEPHEN HAWKING CHEATED ON HIS WIFE,

SHE MUST'VE FELT PRETTY SAD.

IT WAS A TERRIBLE THING TO DO,

AND I DON'T WANT TO DEFEND HIM, BUT TRY THINKING ABOUT IT

FROM HIS PERSPECTIVE FOR A MOMENT.

HE SPENDS ALL DAY THINKING ABOUT THE UNIVERSE

AND HOW BIG IT IS,

HOW OUR STAR, THE SUN, IS JUST

ONE OF DOZENS OF STARS IN THE GALAXY, WHICH IS JUST

ONE OF DOZENS OF GALAXIES IN THE KNOWN UNIVERSE,

ALL SET AGAINST HANDFULS AND HANDFULS OF TIME.

[ TONES CHIME ]

IF ONE GUY CHEATS ON HIS WIFE,

WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

THINKING FURTHER DOWN THE SAME LINE OF THOUGHT,

HOWEVER, IF WE'RE SO TINY AND INSIGNIFICANT,

IF YOU'RE ABLE TO FIND ONE PERSON

IN THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE WHO CARES ABOUT YOU,

WHY WOULD YOU WANT TO DISAPPOINT THEM?

SO, LADIES,

IF WE GET MARRIED,

I PROMISE I WON'T CHEAT ON YOU.

THAT SAID, GOOD LUCK LOCKING DOWN

THIS BENGAL TIGER.

I AIN'T GOING TO THE ZOO SO EASY.

JUST KIDDING.

I CAN'T WAIT TO GO TO THE ZOO.

SPEAKING OF MARRIAGE,

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE PHRASE "TYING THE KNOT" IS

A REFERENCE TO HOW THEY USED TO USE PRETZELS

IN SWISS WEDDING CEREMONIES A WHILE AGO?

HERE'S SOME IMAGES OF PRETZELS BEING MADE THAT I LIKE TO WATCH.

♪♪

THERE ARE A LOT OF PRETZEL FACTORIES

IN CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA -- CHIPS, TOO.

THAT'S WHY IT'S OFTEN REFERRED TO AS "THE SNACK BELT."

AMONGST THE FEW COUNTIES,

THERE'S UTZ'S PRETZELS AND CHIPS,

HERR'S PRETZELS AND CHIPS,

AND, OF COURSE, SNYDER'S OF HANOVER.

[ BIRDS CHIRPING ]

ANOTHER IMPORTANT CONTRIBUTION THE PENNSYLVANIA DUTCH MADE

TO THE REGION ARE THEIR BEAUTIFUL BARNS.

♪♪

LIKE THIS ONE.

AND THIS ONE.

AND THIS ONE.

AND THIS ONE.

THIS ROUND BARN, CALLED A SPRING HOUSE,

WAS DESIGNED TO KEEP MILK COOL IN THE SUMMER.

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

OKAY, OKAY, I APOLOGIZE.

I WAS JUST KIDDING.

THESE AREN'T BARNS FROM CENTRAL PENNSYLVANIA,

BUT BARNS FROM CENTRAL NEW YORK.

I TRY TO KEEP A SENSE OF HUMOR ABOUT THESE NEGLECTED BARNS,

OR I'LL GET SAD.

I CAN'T GET SAD ABOUT BARNS.

I OWE IT TO MYSELF AND TO MY CHOIR STUDENTS

TO NOT BE UPSET ABOUT BARNS.

[ CLOCK TICKING ]

ARE YOU STILL WITH ME?

ARE YOU STILL WITH ME, GUS?

[ GUS GRUMBLES ]

HUH.

GUS IS THE 32nd MOST POPULAR DOG NAME.

YOU KNOW THE 90th MOST POPULAR DOG NAME?

OREO.

[ GUS SNORING ]

I'VE ACTUALLY GOT ANOTHER IDEA.

SOMETHING THAT HELPS ME FALL ASLEEP IS LISTENING

TO VOICEMAILS I RECEIVE FROM FRIENDS AND FAMILY.

I'VE GOT A FEW HERE I'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Man: HELLO, JOE. HAPPY HALLOWEEN.

IT'S 20 MINUTES AFTER 9:00 ON HALLOWEEN EVENING.

[ SLURPS ]

WHEN YOU GET A CHANCE, GIVE US A CALL.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Woman: HI, HONEY. IT'S MOM JUST SAYING HELLO.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. BYE.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Woman #2: HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART.

I'M FINALLY GETTING AROUND TO IT TODAY.

MANY, MANY MORE, HONEY.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER. I LOVE YOU. BYE-BYE.

[ TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS, ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Charles: HEY, JOE. THIS IS CHARLES.

I'M PLAYING PHONE TAG WITH THIS GIRL,

SO, UM, I STILL HAVEN'T HEARD YET,

BUT I'M FEELING "THE FLAKE" COMING ON.

SO I WILL PROBABLY BE ABLE TO GO

TO "PHANTOM OF THE OPERA" WITH YOU.

ALL RIGHT, BYE.

HEY.

I JUST REALIZED

SHEDS ARE LITTLE BARNS.

[ ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

Elise: HEY, JOE, IT'S ELISE.

UM, IT WAS NICE GOING OUT WITH YOU AGAIN LAST NIGHT,

BUT I'VE GOT TO BE STRAIGHTFORWARD.[ RAPID FOOTSTEPS ]

[ ANSWERING MACHINE SQUEAKS]

[ CLATTER, GUS WHIMPERS ]

Joe: [ CLEARS THROAT ] UM...

[ GUS GRUMBLES ]

S-SORRY.

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO DELETE THAT ONE.

♪♪

WHEN WE WOULD GO OUT, I WOULD HAVE TO WEAR RUNNING SNEAKERS

SO THAT I COULD RUN HOME AFTER SHE GAVE ME A GOODNIGHT KISS.

IF I DIDN'T TIRE MYSELF OUT, I WOULD LIE IN BED

THE REST OF THE NIGHT WITH MY EYES LIKE THIS.

ANYHOW, AFTER I RECEIVED THAT MESSAGE,

I DID THE SAME THING I USUALLY DO WHEN STUFF LIKE THAT HAPPENS.

I WENT TO THE BATTING CAGES.

IT'S TOUGH TO WORRY ABOUT WOMEN

WHEN YOU'RE FOCUSED ON FASTBALLS.[ PITCHING MACHINE WHIRRING ]

AND ALSO, IT FEELS GOOD TO HIT STUFF WITH A BAT.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]

HOME RUN.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]

ANOTHER HOME RUN.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

CAN I SHARE MY SECRET...[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

ABOUT THE BATTING CAGES WITH YOU?[ BAT CLACKS ]

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]YOU LET THE FIRST PITCH HIT YOU...

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]SO THAT YOUR ADRENALIN KICKS IN.

[ BAT CLACKS ]

THEN, YOU HIT THE REST OF THEM TO THE MOON.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ EXPLOSION ]

GRAND SLAM.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS ]

[ BAT CLACKS ]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS]

[ BAT CLACKS]NICE.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS]

[ BAT CLACKS]

AND ONCE YOU'RE DONE, I PROMISE YOU WILL FEEL BETTER,

UNDERSTANDING THAT SOMETIMES THINGS JUST DON'T WORK OUT.

LIKE HOW IT DIDN'T WORK OUT

FOR THE 1990 TO '93 BUFFALO BILLS,

WHO LOST FOUR SUPER BOWLS IN A ROW,

OR HOW IT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR THE BUFFALO BUFFALOS,

OR THE PASSENGER PIGEON, EITHER,

OR THE TECOPA PUPFISH,

PYRENEAN IBEX,

OR KODAK.

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR THIS OMELET

THAT WENT COLD DURING AN ARGUMENT

OR THIS UNDERWHELMING SUBMISSION TO A PUMPKIN-CARVING CONTEST.

IT DID WORK OUT FOR MY NEIGHBOR'S SON ALAN.

HE GOT AN "A."

BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT

FOR THIS CENTRAL NEW YORK BARN SURROUNDED BY CONDOS

WHEN IT USED TO BE SURROUNDED BY CORNS

OR ROBERT ADAMS, WHO REALIZED 18 YEARS TOO LATE

THAT HE SHOULD'VE SPENT MORE TIME WITH HIS SONS

INSTEAD OF GOING TO 3D MOVIES WITH HIS FRIENDS,

AND ALISON WEBB, DRESSED SO NICE,

WHO HATES BASKETBALL, BUT SPENT A WHOLE NIGHT

WATCHING IT ALONE AT THE BAR BECAUSE HER DATE NEVER SHOWED.

"SHOULD I CALL MY EX," SHE THINKS.

NO.

NO MORE SECOND CHANCES.

♪♪

AND AS WE KNOW,

IT DIDN'T WORK OUT FOR BERNIE MADOFF.

THAT'S A GOOD THING.

IF YOU BREAK THE RULES, YOU GO TO THE PENALTY BOX.

I WONDER WHAT HE'S THINKING ABOUT RIGHT NOW.

[ PITCHING MACHINE THUNKS, BAT CLACKS]

I WONDER IF HE KNOWS WE'RE THINKING ABOUT HIM.

DOES HE ENJOY FALLING ASLEEP?

AT LEAST IN HIS DREAMS, HE COULD IMAGINE HE'S NOT IN JAIL.

ANYHOW, IF YOU'VE GOT A CRUMMY DAY COMING UP TOMORROW,

YOU JUST REMIND YOURSELF THAT,

"AT LEAST I'M NOT IN JAIL LIKE BERNIE MADOFF."

UH, MAYBE -- MAYBE YOU ARE. I DON'T KNOW.

SORRY.

EITHER WAY, I HOPE YOU'RE FEELING

A LITTLE BIT MORE RELAXED

AND ARE READY TO HIT THE HAY.

I'LL JOIN YOU AS SOON AS THE FIRE DIES DOWN

AND I DOUBLE-CHECK THAT THE GAS STOVE IS OFF.

GOOD NIGHT.

♪♪

[ GUS SNORING ]

WHAT DO YOU THINK, GUS?

SHOULD WE DO A LATE-NIGHT SNACK OR A BIG EGG BREAKFAST?

[ GUS GRUMBLES ]

YEAH, I THINK SO, TOO.

♪♪

[ GUS SNORING ]